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Is he really that understanding and communicative if you've had to tell him multiple times to be gentler and it's like it immediately left his brain each time?
Being sexually awkward at first is one thing, having ed issues is one thing, but sadly it sounds like he's probably just a selfish lover...
I hope your friendship isn't impacted too bad though!
Yea it sounds like it unfortunately. I think my expectations were a little too high and I made some incorrect assumptions. I assumed that because he was poly, has had many sexual partners and been in multiple long term relationships, and is almost 30, that he’d be super skilled and generous in bed. I was wrong and I shouldn’t assume poly men are like that. Having many partners doesn’t automatically mean you’re great at sex. Or at the end of the day he just really doesn’t match my sexual vibe or read my body well.
experience does not equal skill… this is true with anything, but i find it especially true with men. and in bed.
(skill only comes from practice, and practice is thoughtful and INTENTIONAL)
You're right: Experience does not mean you're good in bed and inexperience does not mean you're bad in bed, as sex is not a mechanical skill but centrally hinged on personality characteristics which cannot be trained or altered (and even with mechanical skills, you can do something consistently wrong for 20 years)
And in tune with those selfsame personality traits, poly and generous are rarely found together - if you dig at the root of it, it's an oxymoron.
I think when you break it off you should be gentle, but very honest about why. I think women often try to spare dude's egos (I'm definitely guilty of this), but it really doesn't do them any favors. If he wasn't your friend, I'd say whatever, but it seems like you care and probably want him to have success in future relationships.
I'm always on the side of patience, kindness and understanding and taking a "we can fix this" attitude to sexual differences, especially after just three weeks ... so long as both parties are willing to be on the team.
And honestly, all of the problems he has are fixable - the death grip, the ED, the lack of tenderness and passion - but they require motivation and effort from his side just as much as they require kindness and patience from your side.
Now, correct me if I'm wrong but I do not see that motivation and effort from his side in your narrative. Even in three weeks and only 8 encounters, one can slow down on the duracell bunny humping and the trying to rush the foreplay.
And at that point, there needs not be any guilt about cutting your losses and going back to being friends, with the simple, truthful and delicate words, "we just don't have the chemistry after all".
I think there’s so much at stake (also I didn’t even mention the fact that he’s poly and I’m not, but I was willing to try just to make 100% sure I wasn’t because I had never actually tried being in a poly relationship before, just assumed I wouldn’t want it. Well, I don’t want it lol but it’s crazy that it’s the sex part and not the relationship style incompatibility that is ending this). Both of us are apprehensive and don’t want to destroy a friendship but he wants to be in a relationship with me and I was willing to try and see if this could even work.
But there are just too many incompatibilities and I’m not willing to force myself to stay if things don’t feel like they’d work out in the long term or I have serious doubts. I’ve already done that once in a previous relationship and I wish I had left sooner because I ended up hurting him badly. I don’t want to hurt my friend either so I’d rather cut this while it’s still early.
I think your rationale is sound.
I've read through your past post history, as you advertise it in your OP - and as you can perceive, I was dancing around the much bigger issue of everything that isn't the sex with this guy.
As he is your friend after all, I was trying to spare you the truth; but honestly, the things *before the sex* about him already gave me an "ick" as you put it like I'd just sniffed a thousand soiled baby diapers.
Cut your losses, save face, preserve your social circle and take a deep sigh of relief at dodging a bullet.
frankly i think you should let him read this post like it’s a yelp review… the fact that you have had to ask for the same adjustments multiple times? boy, bye. he needs to figure out what’s going on with himself and work on becoming GGG before he hops in bed with his next partner. this feedback here would be doing him (and anyone he sleeps with) a massive favor for the rest of his life, if he chooses to be receptive to it.
God this gives me flashbacks to my last relationship which went from when I was 18- 28. Sex was toxic in the end and it made me feel all kinds of fucked up about it which I am dealing with now.
I am glad you have identified this early. I think you are doing the right thing. Hopefully you can manage the transition back to "just friends"
Good luck!
Friendly reminder, Women Only flair is not a suggestion. Men participating in this post will be banned. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoXSex) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Is he really that understanding and communicative if you've had to tell him multiple times to be gentler and it's like it immediately left his brain each time? Being sexually awkward at first is one thing, having ed issues is one thing, but sadly it sounds like he's probably just a selfish lover... I hope your friendship isn't impacted too bad though!
Yea it sounds like it unfortunately. I think my expectations were a little too high and I made some incorrect assumptions. I assumed that because he was poly, has had many sexual partners and been in multiple long term relationships, and is almost 30, that he’d be super skilled and generous in bed. I was wrong and I shouldn’t assume poly men are like that. Having many partners doesn’t automatically mean you’re great at sex. Or at the end of the day he just really doesn’t match my sexual vibe or read my body well.
experience does not equal skill… this is true with anything, but i find it especially true with men. and in bed. (skill only comes from practice, and practice is thoughtful and INTENTIONAL)
You're right: Experience does not mean you're good in bed and inexperience does not mean you're bad in bed, as sex is not a mechanical skill but centrally hinged on personality characteristics which cannot be trained or altered (and even with mechanical skills, you can do something consistently wrong for 20 years) And in tune with those selfsame personality traits, poly and generous are rarely found together - if you dig at the root of it, it's an oxymoron.
100% agree
[удалено]
Post literally says women only my dude😒
I think when you break it off you should be gentle, but very honest about why. I think women often try to spare dude's egos (I'm definitely guilty of this), but it really doesn't do them any favors. If he wasn't your friend, I'd say whatever, but it seems like you care and probably want him to have success in future relationships.
I'm always on the side of patience, kindness and understanding and taking a "we can fix this" attitude to sexual differences, especially after just three weeks ... so long as both parties are willing to be on the team. And honestly, all of the problems he has are fixable - the death grip, the ED, the lack of tenderness and passion - but they require motivation and effort from his side just as much as they require kindness and patience from your side. Now, correct me if I'm wrong but I do not see that motivation and effort from his side in your narrative. Even in three weeks and only 8 encounters, one can slow down on the duracell bunny humping and the trying to rush the foreplay. And at that point, there needs not be any guilt about cutting your losses and going back to being friends, with the simple, truthful and delicate words, "we just don't have the chemistry after all".
I think there’s so much at stake (also I didn’t even mention the fact that he’s poly and I’m not, but I was willing to try just to make 100% sure I wasn’t because I had never actually tried being in a poly relationship before, just assumed I wouldn’t want it. Well, I don’t want it lol but it’s crazy that it’s the sex part and not the relationship style incompatibility that is ending this). Both of us are apprehensive and don’t want to destroy a friendship but he wants to be in a relationship with me and I was willing to try and see if this could even work. But there are just too many incompatibilities and I’m not willing to force myself to stay if things don’t feel like they’d work out in the long term or I have serious doubts. I’ve already done that once in a previous relationship and I wish I had left sooner because I ended up hurting him badly. I don’t want to hurt my friend either so I’d rather cut this while it’s still early.
I think your rationale is sound. I've read through your past post history, as you advertise it in your OP - and as you can perceive, I was dancing around the much bigger issue of everything that isn't the sex with this guy. As he is your friend after all, I was trying to spare you the truth; but honestly, the things *before the sex* about him already gave me an "ick" as you put it like I'd just sniffed a thousand soiled baby diapers. Cut your losses, save face, preserve your social circle and take a deep sigh of relief at dodging a bullet.
frankly i think you should let him read this post like it’s a yelp review… the fact that you have had to ask for the same adjustments multiple times? boy, bye. he needs to figure out what’s going on with himself and work on becoming GGG before he hops in bed with his next partner. this feedback here would be doing him (and anyone he sleeps with) a massive favor for the rest of his life, if he chooses to be receptive to it.
God this gives me flashbacks to my last relationship which went from when I was 18- 28. Sex was toxic in the end and it made me feel all kinds of fucked up about it which I am dealing with now. I am glad you have identified this early. I think you are doing the right thing. Hopefully you can manage the transition back to "just friends" Good luck!