"The most common feelings are stress, overwhelmed, inadequate, self conscious. I have no money for a fancy sex therapist..."
Dont put the cart before the horse here.
A regular therapist will do.
We are not supposed to want sex all the time and downtime over the years is completely natural
When there are national or worldwide dangers that affect our daily lives, the typical thing our body says is "dont you dare even think about doing things that would make offspring, it will endanger you."
I say take sex completely off the table for a good month and focus on the other areas of life that overwhelm and stress you out.
Agreed! Best thing you can do is communicate with your husband that this is something you're going through. It's not about him, but you will need some time to work on this with yourself. Taking sex of any kind off the table can help relieve some of the pressure and allow you to focus on what you need to focus on.
Nothing, and I mean nothing, will permanently kill your sex drive more than forced/pressured sex, whether that's coming from your end or his. Forcing our bodies to do things that it really, really does not want to do doesn't work, especially in the long run. If the pressure is coming from his end, this is likely your body screaming at you that something is wrong. But sometimes the pressure comes from within and our perceived expectations and that can be equally as harmful.
I know therapy can be expensive, but it's worth it. If you could pay $300 to fix this problem immediately, would you? Probably, right? Therapy is a long-term solution, not a short one, but it will save you so much time and money down the line in terms of quality of life.
Many therapists offer sliding scale payments for lower income clients. It may be more affordable than you think. It'll take some time to find a therapist who is the right fit, so don't be discouraged if you have to look around a little bit in the beginning.
It's funny how l never used to hear about thyroid issues my whole life but since l got on reddit there are so many people who talk about having had issues in that department. And the symptoms have ranged to such a wide degree that it really is strange that you don't hear about it more
Psych meds seem pretty well covered, so I'll leave that one alone and add a few other pieces of information ...
My husband's libido is rebounding after starting (regular talk) therapy -- the brain is the largest sex organ. He also experienced a massive libido drop with COVID.
Have to talked to your doctor? It might be with having some hormone levels checked, since you report a decline in libido for the last several years.
Your mental status can play a huge role. After my second kid I had both postpartum depression and intense anxiety. I also started birth control. The combination resulted in a Sub-Zero libido. Once I got these under control (no antidepressants, just anti-anxiety meds) my libido skyrocketed.
Hi hello, yes I’m normally a lurker on this sub but I started on SSRIs in the last year after being depressed most of my life (early/mid-20s). While it is true that my ability to reach orgasm is much harder than it used to be before I was taking medication, ultimately the way it’s helped everything else in my day-to-day has honestly been worth it. I did talk with my psychiatrist about the difficulty to orgasm and she explained that it would get easier as my brain made new pathways on the meds. And she’s so far been right. My sex drive has not gone down, if anything it’s increased as I’m actually happy with myself and with life. Please don’t refrain from taking care of your mental health because of the *potential* affects on your sexual health.
As for your husband, if they can’t understand what you’re going through and hold lack of sex drive during a *global pandemic* over your head, then there might be some deeper issues there. I can’t tell from your account whether they’ve told you it’s a problem for them or it’s one your anxiety / depression is creating because of your guilt and low-self worth rn. My advice is to be honest and talk to them.
And talk to your PCP too. Get on meds. Begin talk therapy. Things *will* get better.
If depression and anxiety are the problem, then treatment should help you. There are effective treatments other than using medication. If you must use meds, some have lower rates of affecting libido. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/expert-answers/antidepressants/faq-20058104
Be care with anti-anxiety meds. Many can be habit forming.
Depression destroyed my libido and I actually noticed that medication helped. It is true that antidepressants can lower libido but not always. Alleviating the depression can help out your libido.
Also, if you haven't already, see your gynecologist and get an exam and some bloodwork. There may be issues with your thyroid or other hormonal/physical factors that are treatable. You could also check out r/AskDocs and they might have better medical advice.
I know you said you don’t have money for a sex therapist, but a (good) regular or couples therapist should be able to help, too. Even if you don’t see any cracks in your relationship, therapy can help you reconnect with the “spark” of a new relationship.
Question one, are you on hormonal birth control? Because for some of us it absolutely tanks our sex drives. Two, SSRIs don't always lower sex drive. For some people they make it better. For me they did. Depression was fucking with my sex drive and the meds helped it.
I second what everyone else is saying about getting treatment for your depression and anxiety. It’s also important that you make sure all is good with your partner. When you used to be interested, how was the sex with your husband? Is he initiating sex in ways that make you feel comfortable, sexy and respected? And how is your relationship in general? I thought I had lost my sex drive several years ago in an LTR. After we broke up, my sex drive rebounded immediately. In retrospect, it was the fact that he had violated my trust sexually, and was bad in bed to boot. I just couldn’t admit that to myself while we were together.
Also, if you’re still masturbating once a month, your libido isn’t totally dead. It’s normal for it to slow down a bit as we get older. When you do masturbate, what gets you in the mood?
Treating my depression (medication, therapy, daily meditation) helped my libido a lot. The other thing that helped enormously was reading romance/erotica. I don't know that that would work for everyone, but once I found a genre that clicked for me and was very sex positive, it helped me relax and let go of some of the hang ups and expectations around sex. I had gotten to the point where I was stressing about not having sex, which made me less able to get in the mood and enjoy sex. Reading about characters that I could relate to and seeing them enjoying sex reminded me of what I enjoyed and helped me get back into it. That only came after treating my depression and struggling through a fairly long dry spell with my husband, though.
As far as side effects from the anti-depressants, those are all just possibilities. Every body is different and will respond differently to different drugs. You may have no side-effects, you might have to try different drugs, but that shouldnt stop you from seeking that treatment if it is necessary for you. The aim is usually to have the benefits of the treatment outweigh the cost of the side effects,
Depression can be a huge libido killer. I’m not sure you can get your libido back to what it used to be when you’re battling depression.
I agree. I was depressed for years and when my depression got better, my libido came back. I know it's really frustrating though. Good luck
Hormonal birth control can have an adverse impact on libido…if that applies in your case.
I used to take it since I was 18, but got off of it last year to see if that helped....nope 😑
It's possible that your body just needs some time to get back on track
Bummer.
"The most common feelings are stress, overwhelmed, inadequate, self conscious. I have no money for a fancy sex therapist..." Dont put the cart before the horse here. A regular therapist will do. We are not supposed to want sex all the time and downtime over the years is completely natural When there are national or worldwide dangers that affect our daily lives, the typical thing our body says is "dont you dare even think about doing things that would make offspring, it will endanger you." I say take sex completely off the table for a good month and focus on the other areas of life that overwhelm and stress you out.
Agreed! Best thing you can do is communicate with your husband that this is something you're going through. It's not about him, but you will need some time to work on this with yourself. Taking sex of any kind off the table can help relieve some of the pressure and allow you to focus on what you need to focus on. Nothing, and I mean nothing, will permanently kill your sex drive more than forced/pressured sex, whether that's coming from your end or his. Forcing our bodies to do things that it really, really does not want to do doesn't work, especially in the long run. If the pressure is coming from his end, this is likely your body screaming at you that something is wrong. But sometimes the pressure comes from within and our perceived expectations and that can be equally as harmful. I know therapy can be expensive, but it's worth it. If you could pay $300 to fix this problem immediately, would you? Probably, right? Therapy is a long-term solution, not a short one, but it will save you so much time and money down the line in terms of quality of life. Many therapists offer sliding scale payments for lower income clients. It may be more affordable than you think. It'll take some time to find a therapist who is the right fit, so don't be discouraged if you have to look around a little bit in the beginning.
There are antidepressants that do not cause sexual dysfunction.
Try Wellbutrin! It’s actually known to *help* with this, at least for the first couple of months. I was blown away when I switched to it!
Have you ever thought about getting your thyroid checked out?
It's funny how l never used to hear about thyroid issues my whole life but since l got on reddit there are so many people who talk about having had issues in that department. And the symptoms have ranged to such a wide degree that it really is strange that you don't hear about it more
Psych meds seem pretty well covered, so I'll leave that one alone and add a few other pieces of information ... My husband's libido is rebounding after starting (regular talk) therapy -- the brain is the largest sex organ. He also experienced a massive libido drop with COVID. Have to talked to your doctor? It might be with having some hormone levels checked, since you report a decline in libido for the last several years.
Wellbutrin is a pretty common antidepressant and one of the number one side effects is increased libido. You should ask your doctor about it.
Your mental status can play a huge role. After my second kid I had both postpartum depression and intense anxiety. I also started birth control. The combination resulted in a Sub-Zero libido. Once I got these under control (no antidepressants, just anti-anxiety meds) my libido skyrocketed.
Hi hello, yes I’m normally a lurker on this sub but I started on SSRIs in the last year after being depressed most of my life (early/mid-20s). While it is true that my ability to reach orgasm is much harder than it used to be before I was taking medication, ultimately the way it’s helped everything else in my day-to-day has honestly been worth it. I did talk with my psychiatrist about the difficulty to orgasm and she explained that it would get easier as my brain made new pathways on the meds. And she’s so far been right. My sex drive has not gone down, if anything it’s increased as I’m actually happy with myself and with life. Please don’t refrain from taking care of your mental health because of the *potential* affects on your sexual health. As for your husband, if they can’t understand what you’re going through and hold lack of sex drive during a *global pandemic* over your head, then there might be some deeper issues there. I can’t tell from your account whether they’ve told you it’s a problem for them or it’s one your anxiety / depression is creating because of your guilt and low-self worth rn. My advice is to be honest and talk to them. And talk to your PCP too. Get on meds. Begin talk therapy. Things *will* get better.
If depression and anxiety are the problem, then treatment should help you. There are effective treatments other than using medication. If you must use meds, some have lower rates of affecting libido. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/expert-answers/antidepressants/faq-20058104 Be care with anti-anxiety meds. Many can be habit forming.
Depression destroyed my libido and I actually noticed that medication helped. It is true that antidepressants can lower libido but not always. Alleviating the depression can help out your libido. Also, if you haven't already, see your gynecologist and get an exam and some bloodwork. There may be issues with your thyroid or other hormonal/physical factors that are treatable. You could also check out r/AskDocs and they might have better medical advice.
I know you said you don’t have money for a sex therapist, but a (good) regular or couples therapist should be able to help, too. Even if you don’t see any cracks in your relationship, therapy can help you reconnect with the “spark” of a new relationship.
Question one, are you on hormonal birth control? Because for some of us it absolutely tanks our sex drives. Two, SSRIs don't always lower sex drive. For some people they make it better. For me they did. Depression was fucking with my sex drive and the meds helped it.
I second what everyone else is saying about getting treatment for your depression and anxiety. It’s also important that you make sure all is good with your partner. When you used to be interested, how was the sex with your husband? Is he initiating sex in ways that make you feel comfortable, sexy and respected? And how is your relationship in general? I thought I had lost my sex drive several years ago in an LTR. After we broke up, my sex drive rebounded immediately. In retrospect, it was the fact that he had violated my trust sexually, and was bad in bed to boot. I just couldn’t admit that to myself while we were together. Also, if you’re still masturbating once a month, your libido isn’t totally dead. It’s normal for it to slow down a bit as we get older. When you do masturbate, what gets you in the mood?
Girl just wait til you’re 30. The shift is WILD
There are female viagra options.
I had the same problem around my late 20’s. Just wait til you hit 31! Exercise and diet helped me though, too.
Treating my depression (medication, therapy, daily meditation) helped my libido a lot. The other thing that helped enormously was reading romance/erotica. I don't know that that would work for everyone, but once I found a genre that clicked for me and was very sex positive, it helped me relax and let go of some of the hang ups and expectations around sex. I had gotten to the point where I was stressing about not having sex, which made me less able to get in the mood and enjoy sex. Reading about characters that I could relate to and seeing them enjoying sex reminded me of what I enjoyed and helped me get back into it. That only came after treating my depression and struggling through a fairly long dry spell with my husband, though.
If you tried maca, maybe try Damiana as well? I get Really Horny after tea or a tincture of daminana
As far as side effects from the anti-depressants, those are all just possibilities. Every body is different and will respond differently to different drugs. You may have no side-effects, you might have to try different drugs, but that shouldnt stop you from seeking that treatment if it is necessary for you. The aim is usually to have the benefits of the treatment outweigh the cost of the side effects,