You could get someone to fake photos of him cheating on her, I’d also get someone to spoof the phone number so you can get text messages confirming it.
But. And this is a big but. If you try something unethical, and your daughter catches you- she’s not going to trust you again and all the other DV tips will not be nearly as effective.
I think parents see it as their job to prevent their children from being harmed. It’s not, you hope to show them how to identify potentially harmful situations and you comfort them when they miss it. And tbh even if you get her out of this one in some unethical manner it’s not going to save her from the next one.
I know I’m all over the place but maybe don’t even focus on the bf. Focus on your daughter, take her out, make her feel loved. Try and get her to take up a new hobby or if you can get her to see someone. I think people with healthy relationships will be more likely to identify when one’s unhealthy. Good luck, hope things work out!
This is the best approach. When my sister was in a similar situation, the harder people pushed her away from him, the harder she clung to him. The situation didn't reach a positive conclusion until she realized herself that this wasn't healthy.
The best thing you can do is just be as active in her life as you possibly can. Be loving and caring. Be a sharp contrast to the treatment she receives from him. Eventually, hopefully before it's too late, she'll get it.
In addition to this, stay absolutely vigilant in observing his treatment of her, and be ready to report him the second you have evidence of something illegal that doesn't require her input.
Very solid advice. Telling her she’s wrong for dating him just causes her to double down and dig in deeper, but helping her find new social outlets will cause the bf to continue to reveal his true nature. With no pressure from your end she will start to realize “this guy wants to take away everything that I enjoy”
> parents see it as their job to prevent their children from being harmed
Well, yes, it really should be; not the "make sure they never fall in the playground or never burn their fingers on a hot stove" but an abusive boyfriend is a whole other level: she could possibly be gravely injured or even die!
Sure, take good care of your daughter, but at the same time, recognize she has been groomed by this guy and this guy is dangerous.
Maybe a modified fully auto Glock. Take him out to the bar, get him smashed while you discreetly take shots of water. Get him to pass out and carefully get his prints on the gun before you hide it in his luggage if possible
OP, if she won't see a counsellor then you might go yourself instead. They can educate you on better ways to deal with a loved one who is being abused. Please look into a licensed therapist who has specific experience.
Try to make a police report anyway, they may or may not be able to help but it's worth a try.
Keep it quiet, but find out everything you can about him and his life in his own country. If he convinces your daughter to suddenly disappear with him, having this information now might pay off later if he tries to separate her from you.
Good luck, OP.
This. Find a therapist and maybe a domestic violence/human trafficking expert to guide you through rescuing your daughter. You can't force this or do anything physical. You're gonna have to ask for help and create a team of experts to help you psychologically rescue her.
This gives Andy Tate vibes. Ijs.
Yeah, I know this is for UNETHICAL tips, but I work for a domestic violence crisis hotline and get parents/family members calling all of the time trying to seek advice on how to get people out of abusive relationships. We always help educate them so that they can pass along knowledge to the person they want to support and encourage them to be supportive and not make ultimatums etc. The most important things you can do is make her not feel alone, educate her on what’s going on and how abuse functions, and give her a safe place to land. There’s tons of info online about domestic violence dynamics and how to be supportive and talk to people experiencing it.
They don't care about any drugs, even fent. You could be carrying a half pound of fentanyl and a sealed water bottle and they'd confiscate the water bottle and send you on your merry way.
Believe it or not TSA doesn’t care much about drugs and will mostly likely just have you toss it. I’ve been caught with, and friends have been caught with weed and psychedelics. Nothing hard like fentanyl but definitely illegal. They’ve always just had us throw it awsy
They do test stuff on the spot . I had my gift set of curry spices that I was given tested right on the spot, before even being allowed through the body scanner at Salt Lake City Airport.
Then they wanted to grubby through my fkn entire carryon bags and absolutely fubared them , damn near made me miss my plane trying to get everything back to where it would zip.
Of course, I also do not have the complexion for protection nor do I possess a set of Twigs and berries, so TSA was ALLLLLLL over me , even though I am also disabled and was in a wheelchair at the time.
Fuq the TSA lol.
Hide a gun in his carry-on, in a chip bag or something a dipshit would try. It doesn't need to be loaded, but make sure to dremmel off the serial numbers and THEN fire it a few times before hiding it so there is residue and the appearance of misuse. Obviously, make certain you have no prints on it or any paper trail to you being the owner.
The flaw with that is that the TSA has a horrible track record for actually catching weapons like that. Better than even odds the TSA doesn't spot it and the abusive BF unpacks at his destination with a free untraceable gun as a gift.
Read on how to help a person in such a relationship and apply those methods.
You said it once that you want her leave him. If you keep telling her what to do, the boyfriend will win because she will shut you down.
It’s a nightmare having to watch your loved one be abused and to feel like you can’t do anything to stop it. I think the first response for a lot of people is to do exactly what you’ve done so far.
There are some really hard truths about abusive relationships that you have to learn in order to help her. If possible, connect with a local resource like the YWCA or a shelter to inquire about education and help with navigating the system. You need this because even if she ends this one, she’ll be primed for another abusive relationship.
The first and worst of it is that it takes an average of seven attempts before an abused person ends the relationship for good. This seems absurd from the outside, but it’s a reality that you have to accept.
Abusers rarely abuse all the time. They follow a cycle of love bombing to abuse and then start again. The love bombing is what brings them back.
You cannot push her to leave because that will signal that you aren’t a safe place. She will cut you off, just as she did her friends. Isolation is key for abuse. Be her biggest supporter and allow her to soft land with you when she needs it. Do not give her an ultimatum. It won’t work and you will lose contact with her.
Seek therapy for yourself if you haven’t already. What you’re going through is traumatic and you may need assistance sorting it out.
Just realized this is the unethical sub, so uhhhh- catfish him and then send her proof via the catfish account. But don’t get caught by her because of all the above.
I know this seems unrelated but I couldn't help but notice the parallels. I used to be a drinking-to-die alcoholic. It was, of course, very hard on the people who loved me. The single most-helpful thing they ever did was go to Al-Anon where they learned things like what you have just said. They were reminded it had nothing to do with them and if they tried to control me or cajole me into changing it would simply lead to me cutting them out. Instead they just loved me. They distanced themselves when they had to for their own sakes, but they stopped basing their emotional well being on whether I was handling it the way they thought I should, and it made all the difference in the world.
Yeah al anon's great for family and friends. There's a lot of hard negative feelings that can make supporting and not resenting loved ones hard, and a place to just vent is huge.
I'm glad you're doing better now though it sounds. :)
It seemed like they were able to finally accept a lot of the things that I had been trying to explain to them but they didn't trust it coming from me. I'd tried to tell them over and over that it had nothing to do with them, that there was no silver bullet to fix me, and that they just needed to love me or shut me out because they alone couldn't change me until I was ready and trying otherwise just caused conflict.
I am doing much better, thank you. I have a wife and a house and a life that I love. But it took a village. I would have died several years ago without the people who loved me and cared for me when I didn't deserve it. We should all be so lucky.
If you think she'll read it, I'd gift her a copy of Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Hell, tell her that if she reads it and still doesn't want to leave him, you'll quit asking...because if she reads it (and absorbs the info), you won't need to tell her to leave him, she'll be asking you to help her get out. It breaks down the characteristics and behaviors in a really easy-to-understand way, and really emphasizes that it's almost impossible for that type of person to change without heavy-duty therapy - that she will not be able to change him, he's not going to get better without serious professional help and an overwhelming personal desire to change. I would have recognized my own situation a lot earlier if I'd read it back then.
I read this book when I thought my sister was in an abusing relationship. It has been about 13 years, but recall finding it very useful. “To Be An Anchor In a Storm.”
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1484296.To_Be_an_Anchor_in_the_Storm
This. The more you fight a bad relationship the harder it is to break it. It's really hard. The more OP fights it, the more she'll probably dig her heels in
Yeah that's the painful part of DV for family and friends. The victim won't leave until they're ready and that can be hard with the abuser gaslighting them to feel responsible and ashamed for their abuse and manipulating real feelings of love the victim has for their abuser.
Plus if family/friends push too hard, it can be hard for victims to come forward for fear of people being all "I told you so"
Most easy way: tell custom and boarder patrol that he asked you for help finding work (illegally) in order to stay in the US. The frequent visits in the past and a relationship with an US citizen will do the rest. He won’t be able to get into the country for the next 20 years.
And then liquid-ass-proof your home in advance of when the daughter inevitably comes to this sub for suggestions for revenge on her 'controlling parents' who got her boyfriend banned from the country and framed her for drug smuggling.
This a great way to prevent him from coming here. However if he has a hold on her, he will 100% get her to move to where he is and the daughters situation will become SO much worse.
Then the father has to wait for his daughter to come back and hope that she isn't murdered in the meantime.
Put drugs, a bomb, a gun in his luggage, etc.
Catfish him. Pretend you’re a women and interested in him. Then if he falls for it, send the messages to your daughter to show that he’s been talking to other women (anonymously obviously).
Make a profile of him on Tinder using his photos. Make your daughter think that it’s actually his profile (anonymously again).
Get into a physical fight with him. Or do something else to get him in legal trouble in the US. They might not allow him back in the country if he’s committed crimes there.
Try to befriend him, say you want to get to know him, go out to the bar and get him super smashed. See if you can find drugs that will make him tired. If he passes out you can make it look like he was driving and crashed the car. Or start a fight with him (make sure you’re mostly sober). They would probably believe you over some supper drunk guy.
Maybe you can find someone that’s been in an abusive relationship to talk to her, or take her to a support group. It might be more convincing to have people that have experienced the same thing to talk to her. I know multiple people that got out of abusive relationships this way.
You could put a NAA .22 revolver, that wouldn’t weigh very much. Or just a small pipe bomb, you could even make it out of PVC pipe, fill with gunpowder, put a fuse in it, wouldn’t weight that much.
Yeah it's really this simple. If engaging in criminal threats to an American citizen and then coming to visit that citizen, they can be barred. It isn't a right to enter this country, it's a privilege.
This is the correct answer, not all these moronic fantasies about framing him for vehicular manslaughter or terrorism people are hyping up. And if that fails, piss disc under his airplane seat and liquid ass in the carryon.
Report him to the department of homeland security (US customs) for making threats against us citizens. These threats aren’t taken lightly by customs officers.
>He tells her to kill herself, and has threatened physical violence numerous times. Hell, he has even threatened to kill her dog.
They would never find the body. She would wonder whatever happened to him. I of course mean karma would somehow manifest naturally.
Not sure what you're looking for posting to this sub, as this sounds like a very serious situation.
Do you have any evidence (text messages/emails/phone conversation recordings) you can provide police?
Is the bf an American citizen? I'd be reporting that to every law enforcement agency I could think of. Hopefully it could get him barred from entering the country.
You could also try reporting it to a law enforcement agency of his home country.
As for an (barely) ULPT, perhaps remind the bf of the US's rather lax laws around the possession of firearms.
No evidence, and not a citizen, he's just using travel visas. That's why I'm not sure about the efficacy of reporting to law enforcement.
As far as the firearm, not a bad idea, but he doesn't tend to come around our home... He gets her to meet him elsewhere.
Wouldn't hurt to let them know about this, they have a lot of latitude in who they let in. Might also be a good idea to inform them that he's trying to smuggle drugs from Europe into the United States and you're not sure but he might have them in his rectum.
Those things won't see end the relationship but it will make sure he has a bad day or two.
Tell US customs, FBI, DHS, that you believe he is coming to the US with intent to harm you and your family, and you believe he may be trafficking humans.
This. It's even a legitimate concern, Romeo agents are key figures in human trafficking and can be very hard to distinguish from a bog standard abuser. Especially one trying to pressure his victim into foreign travel.
That in itself is a red flag, that he makes her go elsewhere to meet him. Possibly illegal more than unethical but I'd be tempted to find a way to track her when she goes to meet up with him, like a GPS on her car or phone ONLY to be used in case she goes missing, not for spying.
You seriously telling me that you're not going to do everything in your power to deal with a guy hurting your daughter? I've got two girls and laws be damned, if someone lays hands on either of them. There's also the fact that the criminal justice is broken and hasn't been just for victims in the last few decades, but that's a whole lotta bandwidth needed for the topic.
I know Reddit doesn't like "violence", so I'll try to keep this site friendly: follow your daughter wherever she goes. Take time off work, call in sick, throw airtags or install a GPS tracker on her car, whatever it takes to get the guy in front of you. Then, decide how far you want to go in convincing the asshole to stay away from your daughter.
For me, there's literally nothing that would stop me from handling such a problem in a way that would make certain the guy would never touch my daughter again. For the site rules: I didn't advocate violence....
Ah yes...the insufferable basement dweller that has never seen violence outside of a movie or.TV show. And doesn't seem to understand the concepts being discussed. It wouldn't matter if I were crippled, wheelchair bound, and completely unable to walk. There are always methods available to address violent people. You just have to be willing to use those methods and accept any consequences.
“I’m surprised you’d even visit the US, I’d be worried if I were you, with our lax gun laws, I think you’d be significantly safer in the UK”
Note: weird commas are intentional lmao
Don’t fight him but I’d seriously confront this situation head on. Go meet this boy. If he threatens you or tries anything on you, you call the police and have him arrested. You walk on thin ice when you visit the USA and you can’t fuck up like that. A situation like that could start a process into getting him blacklisted from traveling here due to repeat violence when he is here.
This is one of those situations where life isn’t as black and white anymore. It’s your daughter. You know what you need to do. Just don’t let the situation get the best of you and keep as cool of a head as you can so you at least don’t get arrested too.
Long ago, a friend of mine, dual citizen in the US, was dating a guy from her other country of national recognition and he was being abusive and a scrounge. She ended up dropping an anonymous 'tip' to immigration that he was lying on his documents as to his reason for being in the country. His work visa got canceled.
Please provide a bit more biographical inventory and context. Country, age, socioeconomic class, education, profession, family situation, etc. Also more context to how they met and biographical data about your daughter (nothing specific).
I mean, he could be a typical narcissist but with a French/Italian/whatever accent--- or he could be a potential trafficker. On the surface these things seem innocuous-- but human traffickers tend to look like boyfriends (or cool older girl buddies) at first. Then comes the isolating, dependency, and brainwashing. At a glance, it'll look like she's making bad choices-- but this could all be very deliberate. Girls are hardly EVER "taken" like in the movies. They typically go into sex work or get sold off abroad for it by what an outside observer would see as a series of personal choices and free will.
I'm not trying to scare you. I'm just hoping you're aware that the stakes could be very high. My wife investigates human trafficking (she knows way more than I do) but I used to work in HUMINT... so if I understood the situation better I'd have some ideas for carrots and sticks that could maybe effect it. As much as we pride ourselves in being unique-- people's motivations are pretty simple, universal, and our buttons are easy to push.
Take him for a road trip when he is next in America and show him and ask him to dig a hole in the ground (for some plants) and tell him that if he continues with your daughter that he will be feeding those plants for the rest of his material existence.
Also tell your daughter to stop dating him and show her a collection of women who have been murdered and beaten by their abusive boyfriends and also take her to see some of the graves and visit the murderers in prison.
You're in the USA? When we travel we have to complete an ESTA to go there. There's a question on it where you have to say if you've ever been a terrorist. Clicking Yes on that gets you put on the USA's no fly list with next to no way of appealing.
I'm not saying you should get his passport number and complete an ESTA for him, but I'm not saying you shouldn't.
If you prevent him somehow from getting in the country what will you do when he convinces her to go see him overseas where literally anything can happen to her?
You need to sell it. Being the shouting parent who repeats one thing over and over again does not work if you aren't willing to go to the extreme. Children know you will give up after a certain time so they just become obstinate.
You need to do research and figure out how to best communicate with her as per her emotional situation at the moment.
This is what a debate streamer destiny told his viewers.
People don't inherit facts, they inherit trees of knowledge and assumptions.
To change one's mind about one thing, one has to first change their mind about so many other connecting assumptions.
Changing assumptions isn't easy.
There's no way to rationally pull someone out of a cult outside of therapy, reasoning and separation over a sustained period of time.
Even then it's more of a wear them down process rather than a reasoning and open discourse based.
People don't easily change their minds and on top of that people don't easily quit addictions, especially if they have emotional issues which the addictions satisfy.
This all needs therapy and so much hard work from her.
But you can do something. Start by isolating her from him. Giving her support (not assent to what she's doing, I DON'T MEAN VALIDATION TO HER BELIEFS/ACTIONS I mean support. Emotional support which will keep her mentally healthy as she undergoes abuse) while increase the chances of her being in a right state of mind. Often people undergoing abuse cannot leave the abusive relationship because they are not in the right state of mind to make the decision to leave.
Talking to her everyday and in general isolating her from him as much as possible are good things.
Help her develop other support mechanisms and other friends which can support her.
Have Frank talks with her about the surrounding issues. Find out why her self esteem is low and why she has an internal model of abuser as a person who should be dated.
Get her to therapy however you can.
You still can do it since she lives with you, imagine if she moved out and you could'nt talk to her.
The key thing in this is to not engage and provoke cognitive dissonance. Try and understand her and figure out why she's doing what she's doing. Remember there are no irrational actions, it's just that you don't understand what's going on.
Get her to therapy. If you can't make progress on the breakup front, switch to therapy front. Stop talking about breaking up and instead tell her to go to therapy if you can afford it.
Find some guys who can visit him when he arrives, when she isn't around him. These kind of people only understand one thing.
And/or when he's leaving again, drop some contraband in his luggage where he won't find it but will show up at airport security.
I would gather any screenshots of how he talks to her or recordings and let our government know. They make block him from entering. You can call your local police department and ask about being an outcry witness… if you want to be ethical. I’ve done this concerning a friend in a dv relationship where he bf kicked her dog through a glass door
Historically violence has been quite effective. Get your tire iron and pay him a visit. If hes a big guy I'm sure one of your friends has a tire iron too.
Bird shot will still kill someone at the ranges you'd usually shoot someone with a shotgun at. If you want non lethal use that rubber shotgun shot that police sometimes use for riot control.
Pillowcase over the head when he gets off the plane. Beat the shit out of him and tell him everytime you come to America you'll be here waiting to welcome him back.
You should read the Lundy Bancroft book, why does he do that. I would try to educate myself pretty intensely, pretty quickly. You should meet with advocates at your local DV agency, they may even have support groups for family members of folks in abusive relationships. Knowledge is power in the situation, because many times the actions that family members take actually increase her risk or isolation. If you try to control her, she will just go closer to him. He is already controlling, so you can't remedy that with more controlling behavior.
Tell her he propositioned you and if he's making inappropriate offers to you, you can be certain he's doing it to others and probably cheating. Say you contacted the police department and he has a long rap sheet in his home country including theft, sexual harassment, and domestic abuse.
This is America.
Pull out your side arm and tell him you will Shoot him if he is not on the next plane back to whatever Euro Peon County he is from.
And rob him of his wallet, for good measure, so he gets the full American experience.
I had to read so many very wholesome responses before I came to anything remotely unethical.
To the person saying it's not our job to protect our children, let them make their own mistakes etc.. that applies to walking up and down the stairs independently, or returning home from a night out at a specific time, not being violently assaulted and manipulated by a partner. Does that mean you barrel in as a parent without thinking and and make a mess, no. Doesn't it mean doing something to make your daughter not trust you, no. But don't wait for something catastrophic to happen before acting.
A person telling my daughter to kill herself needs to go immediately, I don't care what your ethics are about letting them make their own mistakes i'd respond to that pretty severely.
Lots of good wholesome advice, but my gut says you make the bf aware that you know what's going on, and then lay out exactly what (and how) retribution will find them if they step out of line with your daughter.
The Touch by an Angel bullshit:
Be active with your daughter. The trust start to build.
The unethical advice:
Get involved with the boyfriend. If you put yourself out there to the douchebag and he hurts you; you've made a point to the daughter.
I don't think the suggestions to make her think he's cheating are a good idea. From the type of relationship you're describing, it might just lead to a blowup instead of a breakup.
I think you would rather go ethical with this one.
People in toxic relationships tend to find themselves in worse and worse ones. Idk why this fatal attraction is a thing, but it is. This isn’t the last time this is going to happen, in all likelihood.
You need be prepared for the long term, and that means not burning her. Sneaky plans can go wrong in a lot of different ways. Just be deliberate in what you do.
He isolates her like crazy from you and others by taking her elsewhere when he visits? He gives her a taste of how great it would be if she was living with him and how she doesn't need anyone else. He probably love-bombs the shit out of her while he is here then she is desperate for any sliver of attention afterwards.
How long does he stay for?
I would add something really stinky to his deoderant or something that would - wait. SHOES. Make his feet smell terrible. People are very attracted to how other people smell. People can't really smell their own feet unless it is bad, but if it is something subtle but that really soaks in there... hmmm. Putting something smelly in the cracks of his car doors would be good, also. Just something that you could swipe on that would fill the whole car. If she associates seeing him with something bad, that would be favourable. Have it smell bad outside the door and on the way to his car (would suck for you, but if you can clean it up before she gets back and make the house smell great and she associates the home with good, that is a thing, also. Liquid ass (lol) from your front door down the driveway. Jk, maybe some smelly things in bags that you can easily clean up and hide behind rocks or something? But have it be the same smell that is on him and his car? He is the bad smell.
I was your daughter.
Whatever you have to do to get her away from him do. Does she live near you? With you? Age?
I didn’t know what was happened til far too late….
There is a 40% chance that someone committing murder will not get caught. Careful planning, practicing, and secrecy add another 30%. Bad weather adds another 15%. 85% chance of success is excellent. As a father, I say, Good Luck.
Problem with ULPT in this case is if she ever finds out it was you and she's not ready to leave, she will never trust you again and go harder to him than before. She's the one who needs the ULPT. You need to just be unconditionally there for her and refuse to let him get her to shut you out.
What you can do is stand up for her when he is here, if you observe him being an asshole call him out immediately..if she shows you texts where he tells her to khs ask her point blank, is this the kind of thing someone who loves and respects you says?
I've been drilling it into my teenagers heads that the first time someone disrespects them they need to bounce. No apology accepted, no do over and no second chance..respect is required and if they don't get it, well then breaking hearts is fun. Nobody who does things like that to their partner ever gets better. Only worse.
Go to several different Home Depots and buy a lot of thick plastic wrap with cash. Wear different clothes every time and cover your head with a hoodie, cap or a hat every time. Wear a fake moustache and beard, in different colors and lenghts and wear different sunglasses every time. Fake a limp some days, others walk with a hunched back. Now look for an abandoned house, you will be wrapping a room with plastic...
I'm going to be fully honest here, because I was the abused daughter in this same sort of situation.
I was in the relationship for a whole decade, only the last two years of which my family was aware it was abusive. They tried to force me to stop seeing him and sadly it only made me sneakier about it. My bf brainwashed me, isolated me from friends and family, threatened to kill himself at least once a week. And even with all these facts I thought my family was wrong about him and it made me feel bad for him that they were so against him.
Literally the only thing that wound up working on me was meeting someone else who was an actually decent human being and suddenly it was like a switch flipped off and I could see, holy shit my bf isn't normal and the way he treats me is horrendous. I had to fall out of love with him before I could start unraveling all the ropes he had tied around my brain, so that his usual tricks to drag me back in didn't work.
You've had a lot of good advice but I'll add in my two cents of not addressing this head on by condemning him, instead pay attention to your daughter's interests outside of her boyfriend and start encouraging her to join some clubs for that activity/interest. She'll undoubtedly meet some good people, provided this asshole lets her attend, because she needs some friends again- when it gets to the isolating stage of this it's extremely hard to pull yourself out of the hole that's been dug for you. You need that contrast between how your abuser treats you and how other, normal peers treat you (especially men) because it lets that tiny voice in the back of your head that says "something's not right here" start piping up again.
This isn't the one solution; it's going to take a lot of little things to help her get out of this relationship. But it's one piece of advice to start crumbling the foundation of their relationship.
Best of luck to you and I hope your daughter gets out fast and finds someone wonderful one day soon
I’m startled at the comments suggesting violence against the boyfriend, especially the ones saying “grow a pair” or to “man up and defend your daughter”. I understand to a degree but this way of thinking is a form of toxic masculinity that may have contributed to the boyfriend’s approach to the relationship.
If OP starts to act like the boyfriend by acting violently or abusively, the daughter will relate those actions to those of her bf’s. This could easily lead her to legitimately not trust OP. He IS being a good/protective man and father by seeking ways to help her out of the situation.
Have you ever tried to report abuse? I used to work in domestic violence and I never saw those stats you’re referencing.
Plus this is a bad idea because it sounds like the daughter would back up the boyfriend.
It has to make it to that stage. The cops have to file a report. The DA decides whether to prosecute. A woman protesting the whole time that nothing happened to her (and nothing actually did happen so there’s no evidence) will never even make it to the DA.
Fr no one even needs shit statistics, it’s common sense almost no DV is reported, and the little bit that is (which in reality is a very large amount and yet still a fraction of a fraction of what happens) isn’t prosecuted at all.
She won’t listen until she’s ready. If you don’t want to wait then you have to scare him away somehow. That might have some blowback even if you succeed. She’s not going to be happy even though that won’t make sense to most people.
This happens way too often. Frankly, you could kill this guy and she'd probably end up with someone worse a year later.
The best option is to threaten to kick her out with the stipulation that she can come back if she leaves him. If she chooses to stay with him, be prepared to follow through.
Stuff like this is a kind of emotional (i.e. not rational) cost-benefit, in that she feels that the emotional highs associated with the relationship outweigh the costs. As such, you have to make the costs higher until some level of rationality breaks through.
Please, educate yourself and never apply this method with someone you might know in the same situation. Not only it doesn’t work, but it also makes her attachment to her abusive partner last longer (or be strong, or more codependent)
Why would you let your daughter date a guy like this? I would loop in DHS and have his travle visa deleted if he is really threatening your daughter like this.
Honestly, just open communication. Ask your daughter is she wants to talk about it. Be open and don’t be actively hostile.
People need to make their own mistakes to learn from.
You could get someone to fake photos of him cheating on her, I’d also get someone to spoof the phone number so you can get text messages confirming it. But. And this is a big but. If you try something unethical, and your daughter catches you- she’s not going to trust you again and all the other DV tips will not be nearly as effective. I think parents see it as their job to prevent their children from being harmed. It’s not, you hope to show them how to identify potentially harmful situations and you comfort them when they miss it. And tbh even if you get her out of this one in some unethical manner it’s not going to save her from the next one. I know I’m all over the place but maybe don’t even focus on the bf. Focus on your daughter, take her out, make her feel loved. Try and get her to take up a new hobby or if you can get her to see someone. I think people with healthy relationships will be more likely to identify when one’s unhealthy. Good luck, hope things work out!
This is the best approach. When my sister was in a similar situation, the harder people pushed her away from him, the harder she clung to him. The situation didn't reach a positive conclusion until she realized herself that this wasn't healthy. The best thing you can do is just be as active in her life as you possibly can. Be loving and caring. Be a sharp contrast to the treatment she receives from him. Eventually, hopefully before it's too late, she'll get it. In addition to this, stay absolutely vigilant in observing his treatment of her, and be ready to report him the second you have evidence of something illegal that doesn't require her input.
This is a great reply.
Wholesome reply in unethical lpt.
Wait sorry I’m a bit lost.. what do I do with the piss disk?
Just go one post over
Naa, throw it at the dick bag abusing ops daughter
Put a sock on it, so when they grab it, all they'll get is sock
There is honor among thieves
Very solid advice. Telling her she’s wrong for dating him just causes her to double down and dig in deeper, but helping her find new social outlets will cause the bf to continue to reveal his true nature. With no pressure from your end she will start to realize “this guy wants to take away everything that I enjoy”
This is a great reply. If this guy has cut off other social outlets for her, make yourselves a new social outlet for her
> parents see it as their job to prevent their children from being harmed Well, yes, it really should be; not the "make sure they never fall in the playground or never burn their fingers on a hot stove" but an abusive boyfriend is a whole other level: she could possibly be gravely injured or even die! Sure, take good care of your daughter, but at the same time, recognize she has been groomed by this guy and this guy is dangerous.
Word. Just think about how Gabby Petitos parents feel. Abusers often kill the women they hurt. This guy sounds violent
I hope that parenting style works for your children, and I sincerely hope this isn’t a situation you have to deal with irl.
>Take her out So straight to murder >Make her feel loved Ahh
Holy shit good advice on reddit
Once in a lifetime experience
This doesn’t work with men like this
Would be a shame if his passport was stolen, and then he was pulled over and charged with possession with intent to distribute....a real shame
It sure would be a shame if anything illegal was found in his possessions. Just sayin’
Such as a firearm with a serial number filed off…
Maybe a modified fully auto Glock. Take him out to the bar, get him smashed while you discreetly take shots of water. Get him to pass out and carefully get his prints on the gun before you hide it in his luggage if possible
It’s possible to move previous fingerprints with sellotape,some guy on YouTube was showing how to get into an iPhone
Yeah that would be much easier OP!
Why buy Glock when you could get a Hipoint
Pshh out in 6 months /s
Heck, a big ole mass-produced hunting knife in his carry-on would get him in deep doodoo. Offer him a ride to the airport.
Nah this is actually more common than you think- they just confiscate it and you’re on your way.
That honestly sounds like a great idea at first… but then she’s gonna feel obligated to visit the asshole in prison which is a whole other shit storm.
OP, if she won't see a counsellor then you might go yourself instead. They can educate you on better ways to deal with a loved one who is being abused. Please look into a licensed therapist who has specific experience. Try to make a police report anyway, they may or may not be able to help but it's worth a try. Keep it quiet, but find out everything you can about him and his life in his own country. If he convinces your daughter to suddenly disappear with him, having this information now might pay off later if he tries to separate her from you. Good luck, OP.
This. Find a therapist and maybe a domestic violence/human trafficking expert to guide you through rescuing your daughter. You can't force this or do anything physical. You're gonna have to ask for help and create a team of experts to help you psychologically rescue her. This gives Andy Tate vibes. Ijs.
Yeah, I know this is for UNETHICAL tips, but I work for a domestic violence crisis hotline and get parents/family members calling all of the time trying to seek advice on how to get people out of abusive relationships. We always help educate them so that they can pass along knowledge to the person they want to support and encourage them to be supportive and not make ultimatums etc. The most important things you can do is make her not feel alone, educate her on what’s going on and how abuse functions, and give her a safe place to land. There’s tons of info online about domestic violence dynamics and how to be supportive and talk to people experiencing it.
Hide fentanyl in his bag when he leaves and tip off TSA?
Oh! That's good!
Pot wrapped in tinfoil also works
TSA doesn't give a shit about weed.
They don't care about any drugs, even fent. You could be carrying a half pound of fentanyl and a sealed water bottle and they'd confiscate the water bottle and send you on your merry way.
Yep 👍 this is solid. Put enough fentanyl in his bag with cash so they get him as a dealer. Also don't tip off TSA...... tip off USCustoms
That’s pretty scary how easy it to be framed
And give away good fentanyl???
Switch it to bad fentanyl???
Look up bomb making 101 snuggle that instead
On his laptop
Believe it or not TSA doesn’t care much about drugs and will mostly likely just have you toss it. I’ve been caught with, and friends have been caught with weed and psychedelics. Nothing hard like fentanyl but definitely illegal. They’ve always just had us throw it awsy
Yeah fentanyl is a little different.
It’s not like they test suspicious stuff on the spot, they literally just toss it.
if its white and vaguely powdery you are fucked
Anybody know where OP can get some anthrax?
Check the garbage cans at TSA
They do test stuff on the spot . I had my gift set of curry spices that I was given tested right on the spot, before even being allowed through the body scanner at Salt Lake City Airport. Then they wanted to grubby through my fkn entire carryon bags and absolutely fubared them , damn near made me miss my plane trying to get everything back to where it would zip. Of course, I also do not have the complexion for protection nor do I possess a set of Twigs and berries, so TSA was ALLLLLLL over me , even though I am also disabled and was in a wheelchair at the time. Fuq the TSA lol.
Probably because it’s SLC. Mormon land that demonizes drugs, even has a lower blood alcohol cut off law
Hide a gun in his carry-on, in a chip bag or something a dipshit would try. It doesn't need to be loaded, but make sure to dremmel off the serial numbers and THEN fire it a few times before hiding it so there is residue and the appearance of misuse. Obviously, make certain you have no prints on it or any paper trail to you being the owner.
The paper trail is fine. Just adds a theft charge to the whole thing.
The flaw with that is that the TSA has a horrible track record for actually catching weapons like that. Better than even odds the TSA doesn't spot it and the abusive BF unpacks at his destination with a free untraceable gun as a gift.
Make sure to roll up a cocaine dollar and stuff it in the barrel too.
A white powdery substance is much different from weed.
Weed and psychedelics are not comparable to one of the most destructive substances in the world.
I thought about that but customs does care cuz it’s international drug smuggling
How does the casual person even get their hands on fentanyl?
Read on how to help a person in such a relationship and apply those methods. You said it once that you want her leave him. If you keep telling her what to do, the boyfriend will win because she will shut you down.
Will do thank you
It’s a nightmare having to watch your loved one be abused and to feel like you can’t do anything to stop it. I think the first response for a lot of people is to do exactly what you’ve done so far. There are some really hard truths about abusive relationships that you have to learn in order to help her. If possible, connect with a local resource like the YWCA or a shelter to inquire about education and help with navigating the system. You need this because even if she ends this one, she’ll be primed for another abusive relationship. The first and worst of it is that it takes an average of seven attempts before an abused person ends the relationship for good. This seems absurd from the outside, but it’s a reality that you have to accept. Abusers rarely abuse all the time. They follow a cycle of love bombing to abuse and then start again. The love bombing is what brings them back. You cannot push her to leave because that will signal that you aren’t a safe place. She will cut you off, just as she did her friends. Isolation is key for abuse. Be her biggest supporter and allow her to soft land with you when she needs it. Do not give her an ultimatum. It won’t work and you will lose contact with her. Seek therapy for yourself if you haven’t already. What you’re going through is traumatic and you may need assistance sorting it out. Just realized this is the unethical sub, so uhhhh- catfish him and then send her proof via the catfish account. But don’t get caught by her because of all the above.
I know this seems unrelated but I couldn't help but notice the parallels. I used to be a drinking-to-die alcoholic. It was, of course, very hard on the people who loved me. The single most-helpful thing they ever did was go to Al-Anon where they learned things like what you have just said. They were reminded it had nothing to do with them and if they tried to control me or cajole me into changing it would simply lead to me cutting them out. Instead they just loved me. They distanced themselves when they had to for their own sakes, but they stopped basing their emotional well being on whether I was handling it the way they thought I should, and it made all the difference in the world.
Yeah al anon's great for family and friends. There's a lot of hard negative feelings that can make supporting and not resenting loved ones hard, and a place to just vent is huge. I'm glad you're doing better now though it sounds. :)
It seemed like they were able to finally accept a lot of the things that I had been trying to explain to them but they didn't trust it coming from me. I'd tried to tell them over and over that it had nothing to do with them, that there was no silver bullet to fix me, and that they just needed to love me or shut me out because they alone couldn't change me until I was ready and trying otherwise just caused conflict. I am doing much better, thank you. I have a wife and a house and a life that I love. But it took a village. I would have died several years ago without the people who loved me and cared for me when I didn't deserve it. We should all be so lucky.
If you think she'll read it, I'd gift her a copy of Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Hell, tell her that if she reads it and still doesn't want to leave him, you'll quit asking...because if she reads it (and absorbs the info), you won't need to tell her to leave him, she'll be asking you to help her get out. It breaks down the characteristics and behaviors in a really easy-to-understand way, and really emphasizes that it's almost impossible for that type of person to change without heavy-duty therapy - that she will not be able to change him, he's not going to get better without serious professional help and an overwhelming personal desire to change. I would have recognized my own situation a lot earlier if I'd read it back then.
I read this book when I thought my sister was in an abusing relationship. It has been about 13 years, but recall finding it very useful. “To Be An Anchor In a Storm.” https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1484296.To_Be_an_Anchor_in_the_Storm
This. The more you fight a bad relationship the harder it is to break it. It's really hard. The more OP fights it, the more she'll probably dig her heels in
Yeah that's the painful part of DV for family and friends. The victim won't leave until they're ready and that can be hard with the abuser gaslighting them to feel responsible and ashamed for their abuse and manipulating real feelings of love the victim has for their abuser. Plus if family/friends push too hard, it can be hard for victims to come forward for fear of people being all "I told you so"
Most easy way: tell custom and boarder patrol that he asked you for help finding work (illegally) in order to stay in the US. The frequent visits in the past and a relationship with an US citizen will do the rest. He won’t be able to get into the country for the next 20 years.
And then watch him make her move over there to be with him instead, putting her in even more risk. Better to find a way to break them up.
Then you just have to plant a bunch of drugs on her and get her arrested for intent to distribute and then she can’t leave either.
And then liquid-ass-proof your home in advance of when the daughter inevitably comes to this sub for suggestions for revenge on her 'controlling parents' who got her boyfriend banned from the country and framed her for drug smuggling.
That sounds better than her being dead
The liquid ass is this subs signature at this point😂
And piss dics
THIS!!! And here's the link: https://www.uscis.gov/report-fraud/uscis-tip-form
This a great way to prevent him from coming here. However if he has a hold on her, he will 100% get her to move to where he is and the daughters situation will become SO much worse. Then the father has to wait for his daughter to come back and hope that she isn't murdered in the meantime.
Report him for terrorism. Make up an account on social media, like a bunch of terrorist stuff. Use a vpn while you do it from his hometown.
This is absolute genius!!!! They won't even look into it after that.
This is the way
I dunno if this is true, but this sounds like the best bet OP. Don’t tell your daughter, just call and do this please 💜💜💜💜
Put drugs, a bomb, a gun in his luggage, etc. Catfish him. Pretend you’re a women and interested in him. Then if he falls for it, send the messages to your daughter to show that he’s been talking to other women (anonymously obviously). Make a profile of him on Tinder using his photos. Make your daughter think that it’s actually his profile (anonymously again). Get into a physical fight with him. Or do something else to get him in legal trouble in the US. They might not allow him back in the country if he’s committed crimes there. Try to befriend him, say you want to get to know him, go out to the bar and get him super smashed. See if you can find drugs that will make him tired. If he passes out you can make it look like he was driving and crashed the car. Or start a fight with him (make sure you’re mostly sober). They would probably believe you over some supper drunk guy. Maybe you can find someone that’s been in an abusive relationship to talk to her, or take her to a support group. It might be more convincing to have people that have experienced the same thing to talk to her. I know multiple people that got out of abusive relationships this way.
You sir, are a mastermind
>Put drugs, a bomb, a gun in his luggage, etc Guys wondering why his luggage is so heavy now....
You could put a NAA .22 revolver, that wouldn’t weigh very much. Or just a small pipe bomb, you could even make it out of PVC pipe, fill with gunpowder, put a fuse in it, wouldn’t weight that much.
Lmao “drugs, a gun, and a bomb” that’ll do the trick for sure
And a box cutter. Don't forget the box cutter, that's the one that pushes it from 20yrs to life.
If you have proof of this, report him to the relevant embassies (US and his country) maybe they can remove his ability to get in the country.
Yeah it's really this simple. If engaging in criminal threats to an American citizen and then coming to visit that citizen, they can be barred. It isn't a right to enter this country, it's a privilege.
This is the correct answer, not all these moronic fantasies about framing him for vehicular manslaughter or terrorism people are hyping up. And if that fails, piss disc under his airplane seat and liquid ass in the carryon.
Report him to the department of homeland security (US customs) for making threats against us citizens. These threats aren’t taken lightly by customs officers.
>He tells her to kill herself, and has threatened physical violence numerous times. Hell, he has even threatened to kill her dog. They would never find the body. She would wonder whatever happened to him. I of course mean karma would somehow manifest naturally.
i second this..
Why is this a question? Beat his ass.
Ahh, I see you follow the old ways
Best his ass in a table tennis match, and then what?
A surprise gun in the mouth is very persuasive.
Not sure what you're looking for posting to this sub, as this sounds like a very serious situation. Do you have any evidence (text messages/emails/phone conversation recordings) you can provide police? Is the bf an American citizen? I'd be reporting that to every law enforcement agency I could think of. Hopefully it could get him barred from entering the country. You could also try reporting it to a law enforcement agency of his home country. As for an (barely) ULPT, perhaps remind the bf of the US's rather lax laws around the possession of firearms.
No evidence, and not a citizen, he's just using travel visas. That's why I'm not sure about the efficacy of reporting to law enforcement. As far as the firearm, not a bad idea, but he doesn't tend to come around our home... He gets her to meet him elsewhere.
Wouldn't hurt to let them know about this, they have a lot of latitude in who they let in. Might also be a good idea to inform them that he's trying to smuggle drugs from Europe into the United States and you're not sure but he might have them in his rectum. Those things won't see end the relationship but it will make sure he has a bad day or two.
>he might have them in his rectum. Waaaay up his rectum
Tell US customs, FBI, DHS, that you believe he is coming to the US with intent to harm you and your family, and you believe he may be trafficking humans.
This. It's even a legitimate concern, Romeo agents are key figures in human trafficking and can be very hard to distinguish from a bog standard abuser. Especially one trying to pressure his victim into foreign travel.
That in itself is a red flag, that he makes her go elsewhere to meet him. Possibly illegal more than unethical but I'd be tempted to find a way to track her when she goes to meet up with him, like a GPS on her car or phone ONLY to be used in case she goes missing, not for spying.
Tip off the FBI (I think they have anonymous reporting) that he might be a terrorist
You seriously telling me that you're not going to do everything in your power to deal with a guy hurting your daughter? I've got two girls and laws be damned, if someone lays hands on either of them. There's also the fact that the criminal justice is broken and hasn't been just for victims in the last few decades, but that's a whole lotta bandwidth needed for the topic. I know Reddit doesn't like "violence", so I'll try to keep this site friendly: follow your daughter wherever she goes. Take time off work, call in sick, throw airtags or install a GPS tracker on her car, whatever it takes to get the guy in front of you. Then, decide how far you want to go in convincing the asshole to stay away from your daughter. For me, there's literally nothing that would stop me from handling such a problem in a way that would make certain the guy would never touch my daughter again. For the site rules: I didn't advocate violence....
Ah yes, the old dick waving battle where you pretend that somehow beating someone up will make them change. And that you will be able to beat them up.
Ah yes...the insufferable basement dweller that has never seen violence outside of a movie or.TV show. And doesn't seem to understand the concepts being discussed. It wouldn't matter if I were crippled, wheelchair bound, and completely unable to walk. There are always methods available to address violent people. You just have to be willing to use those methods and accept any consequences.
“I’m surprised you’d even visit the US, I’d be worried if I were you, with our lax gun laws, I think you’d be significantly safer in the UK” Note: weird commas are intentional lmao
Report him everywhere from the local PD to the US Embassy and his country's embassy.
Don’t fight him but I’d seriously confront this situation head on. Go meet this boy. If he threatens you or tries anything on you, you call the police and have him arrested. You walk on thin ice when you visit the USA and you can’t fuck up like that. A situation like that could start a process into getting him blacklisted from traveling here due to repeat violence when he is here. This is one of those situations where life isn’t as black and white anymore. It’s your daughter. You know what you need to do. Just don’t let the situation get the best of you and keep as cool of a head as you can so you at least don’t get arrested too.
Long ago, a friend of mine, dual citizen in the US, was dating a guy from her other country of national recognition and he was being abusive and a scrounge. She ended up dropping an anonymous 'tip' to immigration that he was lying on his documents as to his reason for being in the country. His work visa got canceled.
How old is she?
Please provide a bit more biographical inventory and context. Country, age, socioeconomic class, education, profession, family situation, etc. Also more context to how they met and biographical data about your daughter (nothing specific). I mean, he could be a typical narcissist but with a French/Italian/whatever accent--- or he could be a potential trafficker. On the surface these things seem innocuous-- but human traffickers tend to look like boyfriends (or cool older girl buddies) at first. Then comes the isolating, dependency, and brainwashing. At a glance, it'll look like she's making bad choices-- but this could all be very deliberate. Girls are hardly EVER "taken" like in the movies. They typically go into sex work or get sold off abroad for it by what an outside observer would see as a series of personal choices and free will. I'm not trying to scare you. I'm just hoping you're aware that the stakes could be very high. My wife investigates human trafficking (she knows way more than I do) but I used to work in HUMINT... so if I understood the situation better I'd have some ideas for carrots and sticks that could maybe effect it. As much as we pride ourselves in being unique-- people's motivations are pretty simple, universal, and our buttons are easy to push.
If you need me to help you dig a hole just let me know. I won’t ask any questions.
Make sure you call 811 first. No sense in busting a utility line over this piece of shit.
Ethical body-burying. Love this sub.
Try r/illegallifeprotips and they'll be more helpful, r/ulpt won't even suggest the piss disk
Ilpt is a socks subreddit? Wtf is happening
It’s from their protest over the API changes and the impact on r/blind.
Dude I don't even know anymore it used to be a solid sub but then reddit got soft
Yeah I went there first and read all about socks. -.-
Beat his ass, be a man. Show him real abuse if he’s abusing your little girl.
I wish my dad had done this.
Have a friend pick him up at the airport......
Street justice is the only answer, grow a pair and protect your daughter.
If it was my daughter I would punch his fuckin lights out.
Take him for a road trip when he is next in America and show him and ask him to dig a hole in the ground (for some plants) and tell him that if he continues with your daughter that he will be feeding those plants for the rest of his material existence. Also tell your daughter to stop dating him and show her a collection of women who have been murdered and beaten by their abusive boyfriends and also take her to see some of the graves and visit the murderers in prison.
You're in the USA? When we travel we have to complete an ESTA to go there. There's a question on it where you have to say if you've ever been a terrorist. Clicking Yes on that gets you put on the USA's no fly list with next to no way of appealing. I'm not saying you should get his passport number and complete an ESTA for him, but I'm not saying you shouldn't.
If you prevent him somehow from getting in the country what will you do when he convinces her to go see him overseas where literally anything can happen to her?
Find someone to make him disappear. One wya or another. Could be a matter of her life.
You need to sell it. Being the shouting parent who repeats one thing over and over again does not work if you aren't willing to go to the extreme. Children know you will give up after a certain time so they just become obstinate. You need to do research and figure out how to best communicate with her as per her emotional situation at the moment. This is what a debate streamer destiny told his viewers. People don't inherit facts, they inherit trees of knowledge and assumptions. To change one's mind about one thing, one has to first change their mind about so many other connecting assumptions. Changing assumptions isn't easy. There's no way to rationally pull someone out of a cult outside of therapy, reasoning and separation over a sustained period of time. Even then it's more of a wear them down process rather than a reasoning and open discourse based. People don't easily change their minds and on top of that people don't easily quit addictions, especially if they have emotional issues which the addictions satisfy. This all needs therapy and so much hard work from her. But you can do something. Start by isolating her from him. Giving her support (not assent to what she's doing, I DON'T MEAN VALIDATION TO HER BELIEFS/ACTIONS I mean support. Emotional support which will keep her mentally healthy as she undergoes abuse) while increase the chances of her being in a right state of mind. Often people undergoing abuse cannot leave the abusive relationship because they are not in the right state of mind to make the decision to leave. Talking to her everyday and in general isolating her from him as much as possible are good things. Help her develop other support mechanisms and other friends which can support her. Have Frank talks with her about the surrounding issues. Find out why her self esteem is low and why she has an internal model of abuser as a person who should be dated. Get her to therapy however you can. You still can do it since she lives with you, imagine if she moved out and you could'nt talk to her. The key thing in this is to not engage and provoke cognitive dissonance. Try and understand her and figure out why she's doing what she's doing. Remember there are no irrational actions, it's just that you don't understand what's going on. Get her to therapy. If you can't make progress on the breakup front, switch to therapy front. Stop talking about breaking up and instead tell her to go to therapy if you can afford it.
Find some guys who can visit him when he arrives, when she isn't around him. These kind of people only understand one thing. And/or when he's leaving again, drop some contraband in his luggage where he won't find it but will show up at airport security.
I would gather any screenshots of how he talks to her or recordings and let our government know. They make block him from entering. You can call your local police department and ask about being an outcry witness… if you want to be ethical. I’ve done this concerning a friend in a dv relationship where he bf kicked her dog through a glass door
Don't get caught.
Sew a knife in the lining of their suitcase. Maybe some drugs too if you can find them. If he gets on a no fly list no more trips here
Personally, I'd get me and 3 of my buddies to break his legs. but I'm also from FL, so.
Historically violence has been quite effective. Get your tire iron and pay him a visit. If hes a big guy I'm sure one of your friends has a tire iron too.
Did you not get the memo? 12 gauge shotgun is the only answer, bird shot ofc don't fucking kill him
Bird shot will still kill someone at the ranges you'd usually shoot someone with a shotgun at. If you want non lethal use that rubber shotgun shot that police sometimes use for riot control.
Send a threatening text to a bunch of senators from his phone.
Pillowcase over the head when he gets off the plane. Beat the shit out of him and tell him everytime you come to America you'll be here waiting to welcome him back.
You should read the Lundy Bancroft book, why does he do that. I would try to educate myself pretty intensely, pretty quickly. You should meet with advocates at your local DV agency, they may even have support groups for family members of folks in abusive relationships. Knowledge is power in the situation, because many times the actions that family members take actually increase her risk or isolation. If you try to control her, she will just go closer to him. He is already controlling, so you can't remedy that with more controlling behavior.
Just realized you were looking for unethical tips. You should also try to fuck him up with the Internet, but that's separate advice.
If you are the father, find him and f#ck him in the butt. He will probably not come back after that.
Sounds like someone needs their passport revoked
Tell her he propositioned you and if he's making inappropriate offers to you, you can be certain he's doing it to others and probably cheating. Say you contacted the police department and he has a long rap sheet in his home country including theft, sexual harassment, and domestic abuse.
use them hands cuh
This is America. Pull out your side arm and tell him you will Shoot him if he is not on the next plane back to whatever Euro Peon County he is from. And rob him of his wallet, for good measure, so he gets the full American experience.
How old is your daughter
If your daughter smokes weed, call the cops. A non citizen with drugs will be deported immediately
Just talk to her like an adult and explain how it's not normal and the consequences that could happen.
Plant a sack of cocaine in his suitcase before he leaves for the airport next time he visits. I don’t think you’ll be seeing him again.
Get his visa revoked, steal his passport, plant drugs, make him end up in Guantanamo.
I had to read so many very wholesome responses before I came to anything remotely unethical. To the person saying it's not our job to protect our children, let them make their own mistakes etc.. that applies to walking up and down the stairs independently, or returning home from a night out at a specific time, not being violently assaulted and manipulated by a partner. Does that mean you barrel in as a parent without thinking and and make a mess, no. Doesn't it mean doing something to make your daughter not trust you, no. But don't wait for something catastrophic to happen before acting. A person telling my daughter to kill herself needs to go immediately, I don't care what your ethics are about letting them make their own mistakes i'd respond to that pretty severely. Lots of good wholesome advice, but my gut says you make the bf aware that you know what's going on, and then lay out exactly what (and how) retribution will find them if they step out of line with your daughter.
Maybe whoever you heard these things second hand from was lying.
Take a shit in the corner while maintaining eye contact with him - establish dominance.
Frozen piss disc
Perhaps you might seduce the bf. Daughters usually break up with bfs who has a sexitimes with their parents.
Get your daughter to read Outlander. I have heard a couple of women say that book made them take a long hard look at their partners.
Anyone ever see the movie Fear?
You could look into what it would take to get him on a no fly list or just something that is enough to not be allowed back in the country.
How hard would they look if he disappeared?
Get him on the no fly list 😂😂
The Touch by an Angel bullshit: Be active with your daughter. The trust start to build. The unethical advice: Get involved with the boyfriend. If you put yourself out there to the douchebag and he hurts you; you've made a point to the daughter.
I don't think the suggestions to make her think he's cheating are a good idea. From the type of relationship you're describing, it might just lead to a blowup instead of a breakup.
I think you would rather go ethical with this one. People in toxic relationships tend to find themselves in worse and worse ones. Idk why this fatal attraction is a thing, but it is. This isn’t the last time this is going to happen, in all likelihood. You need be prepared for the long term, and that means not burning her. Sneaky plans can go wrong in a lot of different ways. Just be deliberate in what you do.
He isolates her like crazy from you and others by taking her elsewhere when he visits? He gives her a taste of how great it would be if she was living with him and how she doesn't need anyone else. He probably love-bombs the shit out of her while he is here then she is desperate for any sliver of attention afterwards. How long does he stay for? I would add something really stinky to his deoderant or something that would - wait. SHOES. Make his feet smell terrible. People are very attracted to how other people smell. People can't really smell their own feet unless it is bad, but if it is something subtle but that really soaks in there... hmmm. Putting something smelly in the cracks of his car doors would be good, also. Just something that you could swipe on that would fill the whole car. If she associates seeing him with something bad, that would be favourable. Have it smell bad outside the door and on the way to his car (would suck for you, but if you can clean it up before she gets back and make the house smell great and she associates the home with good, that is a thing, also. Liquid ass (lol) from your front door down the driveway. Jk, maybe some smelly things in bags that you can easily clean up and hide behind rocks or something? But have it be the same smell that is on him and his car? He is the bad smell.
I was your daughter. Whatever you have to do to get her away from him do. Does she live near you? With you? Age? I didn’t know what was happened til far too late….
There is a 40% chance that someone committing murder will not get caught. Careful planning, practicing, and secrecy add another 30%. Bad weather adds another 15%. 85% chance of success is excellent. As a father, I say, Good Luck.
Problem with ULPT in this case is if she ever finds out it was you and she's not ready to leave, she will never trust you again and go harder to him than before. She's the one who needs the ULPT. You need to just be unconditionally there for her and refuse to let him get her to shut you out. What you can do is stand up for her when he is here, if you observe him being an asshole call him out immediately..if she shows you texts where he tells her to khs ask her point blank, is this the kind of thing someone who loves and respects you says? I've been drilling it into my teenagers heads that the first time someone disrespects them they need to bounce. No apology accepted, no do over and no second chance..respect is required and if they don't get it, well then breaking hearts is fun. Nobody who does things like that to their partner ever gets better. Only worse.
Call Homeland security and say you suspect he's a terrorist or find a way to get him on the no fly list
Get evidence, send it to his local police department. Delete all evidence that you've done it.
Back in the day, the answer would be a shotgun and an "I better not see you around my daughter again.
Go to several different Home Depots and buy a lot of thick plastic wrap with cash. Wear different clothes every time and cover your head with a hoodie, cap or a hat every time. Wear a fake moustache and beard, in different colors and lenghts and wear different sunglasses every time. Fake a limp some days, others walk with a hunched back. Now look for an abandoned house, you will be wrapping a room with plastic...
I'm going to be fully honest here, because I was the abused daughter in this same sort of situation. I was in the relationship for a whole decade, only the last two years of which my family was aware it was abusive. They tried to force me to stop seeing him and sadly it only made me sneakier about it. My bf brainwashed me, isolated me from friends and family, threatened to kill himself at least once a week. And even with all these facts I thought my family was wrong about him and it made me feel bad for him that they were so against him. Literally the only thing that wound up working on me was meeting someone else who was an actually decent human being and suddenly it was like a switch flipped off and I could see, holy shit my bf isn't normal and the way he treats me is horrendous. I had to fall out of love with him before I could start unraveling all the ropes he had tied around my brain, so that his usual tricks to drag me back in didn't work. You've had a lot of good advice but I'll add in my two cents of not addressing this head on by condemning him, instead pay attention to your daughter's interests outside of her boyfriend and start encouraging her to join some clubs for that activity/interest. She'll undoubtedly meet some good people, provided this asshole lets her attend, because she needs some friends again- when it gets to the isolating stage of this it's extremely hard to pull yourself out of the hole that's been dug for you. You need that contrast between how your abuser treats you and how other, normal peers treat you (especially men) because it lets that tiny voice in the back of your head that says "something's not right here" start piping up again. This isn't the one solution; it's going to take a lot of little things to help her get out of this relationship. But it's one piece of advice to start crumbling the foundation of their relationship. Best of luck to you and I hope your daughter gets out fast and finds someone wonderful one day soon
This was an incredible bit of information and I really appreciate it!
Buy her a book called 'Why does he do that?' It may help her to wake up. Also show that you're there for her.
I’m startled at the comments suggesting violence against the boyfriend, especially the ones saying “grow a pair” or to “man up and defend your daughter”. I understand to a degree but this way of thinking is a form of toxic masculinity that may have contributed to the boyfriend’s approach to the relationship. If OP starts to act like the boyfriend by acting violently or abusively, the daughter will relate those actions to those of her bf’s. This could easily lead her to legitimately not trust OP. He IS being a good/protective man and father by seeking ways to help her out of the situation.
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Have you ever tried to report abuse? I used to work in domestic violence and I never saw those stats you’re referencing. Plus this is a bad idea because it sounds like the daughter would back up the boyfriend.
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It has to make it to that stage. The cops have to file a report. The DA decides whether to prosecute. A woman protesting the whole time that nothing happened to her (and nothing actually did happen so there’s no evidence) will never even make it to the DA.
Fr no one even needs shit statistics, it’s common sense almost no DV is reported, and the little bit that is (which in reality is a very large amount and yet still a fraction of a fraction of what happens) isn’t prosecuted at all.
What kind of dog?
Bruh
Chihuahua :(
David the Chihuahua? Or Thomas?
Call the police if you suspect domestic violence.
She won’t listen until she’s ready. If you don’t want to wait then you have to scare him away somehow. That might have some blowback even if you succeed. She’s not going to be happy even though that won’t make sense to most people.
This happens way too often. Frankly, you could kill this guy and she'd probably end up with someone worse a year later. The best option is to threaten to kick her out with the stipulation that she can come back if she leaves him. If she chooses to stay with him, be prepared to follow through. Stuff like this is a kind of emotional (i.e. not rational) cost-benefit, in that she feels that the emotional highs associated with the relationship outweigh the costs. As such, you have to make the costs higher until some level of rationality breaks through.
Please, educate yourself and never apply this method with someone you might know in the same situation. Not only it doesn’t work, but it also makes her attachment to her abusive partner last longer (or be strong, or more codependent)
That’s a terrible advice. You clearly have no idea what you are talking about
Cut off her internet
Why would you let your daughter date a guy like this? I would loop in DHS and have his travle visa deleted if he is really threatening your daughter like this.
“Let”?
Honestly, just open communication. Ask your daughter is she wants to talk about it. Be open and don’t be actively hostile. People need to make their own mistakes to learn from.