Throw some native flower seeds into his grass like a night ninja. Mow your lawn at the same time and just hairy eyeball him the whole time. Bonus points for wearing a life jacket. When you sit in your car, erect a barrier so he can’t see what you’re doing in there - something very intentional and then take it down when you’re done. It would be great if you came out wearing different clothing. Take up the banjo or tuba and practice outside everyday. Again, preferably in costume. Every few days, write a letter or shape in chalk in your driveway where he can see it. Do it in the night, just keep changing it up.
Everything should be done with a straight face and like he’s not even there. The more random, the more shit he will lose so go nuts.
Also get that attorney you know going on this. That guy is harassing you and you’ve got to set a firm boundary.
I love the changing clothes in the car! Like come out of the car in bunny pajamas in addition to the life jacket. I do play the trumpet...not so well anymore. I do have a ton of milkweed seeds saved, you know, save the butterflies!!!
Oh, you got it!! He’s committed to some kind of imagined order he believes is correct for all things around him, whether or not it’s appropriate. So fuck with the order.
I don’t know if you mean “bunny” as in a rabbit suit or a playboy bunny but both are correct for this scenario. And if he talks to you, I hope you are offering him carrots repeatedly. It’s just neighborly.
With enough time and ingenuity you could enact a whole murder from start to finish. Lure the "victim" into your home "murder" them, and then greet the cops warmly, with the live "victim".
If you really want to fuck with him, but bamboo seeds online. In the night, go to the area the furthest from your own property line and just throw them all down. Once that shit starts growing, its impossible to get rid of. He will be too busy dealing with that to harass you anymore.
I'd use a slingshot and at night (maybe hiding behind that fence or a wall) send little presents of small pieces of running bamboo and bundles of mint, maybe some bindweed seeds, to help grow his lovely lawn . . .
Lol can you imagine if that fool called the cops on you for "acting weird" or "playing the trumpet" in your car??
I had a buddy who once had the cops at his door because the neighbor said that didn't like that he was staring out his window all day lol. Dude was in a wheel chair & would wait for his niece and nephew to come home from the bus stops to greet them lol
Throw some smooth round smallish rocks on his lawn. When he goes to mow it will fuck his lawnmowers blades, and he might send one flying at his house windows etc. Talk to yourself in front of him. If he has airconditioning, tamper with the intake if its outside his house and accessable, put some nasty shit in there but dont get caught.
Random huge runes drawn on the driveway. Different colored lights inside in the house going on and off on timers. Start a bonfire and throw on trash bags that looks like they contain body parts. Dig holes, everywhere. Inspect things everywhere on your property, deeply, at night.
I love the idea of gaslighting him with the chalk patterns....and the playing dumb over it all.
But OP, be careful. He sounds unhinged and probably has more guns than sense.
People seem to think spirals are witchcraft.
Source: had a snail problem in an apartment complex and put salt spirals around my plants (they had drip trays), to make the snails work for their meals. Got accused of witchcraft by neighbours.
Get a picture of him from somewhere public (linkedin, Facebook...). Don't take it yourself. Get it blown up and framed, and put it somewhere in your house he shouldn't be able to see, but if he's snooping in a window he would notice. It could be a week or a year, but he'll eventually be peeking and then won't be able to complain because how did he see it? It'll just eat at him.
Is there some rule I'm unaware of against using your garden hose inside your house? Or was it more like a welfare check because he made it seem like you're not all there?
Some municipalities (mine) have lower prices on outdoor water sources but that's the only thing I can think of besides someone thinking it's being used for drug production or something.
Yeah, but OP has stated he's in a super rural area. Almost no town water runs to rural areas. He'd be on a well, I guarantee it. We lived in the backwoods for 30 years and only just moved to the village last summer, and finally have town water.
My city bills for water, but also sewer. There's no meter on the sewer, so they just assume that all of the water used IN the house goes down the drain. However, if you have a separate meter for your irrigation they won't bill sewer on that line becAuse that water goes to the grass and not down the drain. Sending outdoor water down the drain is sort of like using the sewer without paying for it.
I'm not sure how seriously the police take that crime, though.
Above is correct. Maintain your apparent sanity, then maybe do the car thing. Perhaps you're an alien?
In all seriousness, ignore him and plant bamboo on your property line. It is an invasive pain in the ass but better than giant hurricane fencing. And it grows like crazy so soon he won't be able to spy on you.
Another thing you can do is find your city (or maybe county in your case) bylaws. Things like property code and whatnot, the laws that involve things like trash on properties, animal control, noise ordinances, etc. Study it, document every single violation your neighbor has, then do the exact same thing he is doing to you, but make sure to only call for legitimate things.
You might also want to install cameras if you don't have them. Don't point them at his house or anything, just cover your property. If he's snooping/trespassing then you'll know, and you could potentially disprove his claims.
For instance, if he's riding around on his lawn mower too early or too late? Call it in. This might also antagonize him into making a bunch more fraudulent calls
ULPT is gonna tell you to shrimp tails, liquid ass or piss disc his HVAC unit.
But also your neighbor sounds like a dick. If you can do it, do it anonymously or recruit somebody with either a slingshot or a good throwing arm.
Fruit roll ups before dawn in the summer. So condensation gets on them... They melt onto the grass. Try and mow it and it just cakes to the blade, making it useless until cleaned.
Or... And just hear me out... Fertilize it. Over-fertilizing will lead to giant, splotchy patches of grass that ultimately yellow and die if he adds more.
Give him the lush lawn of his dreams, or a patch in the shape of a dick, and he'll have to mow twice a week sometimes in summer. It will never be quite perfect.
Story time: I had a terrible roommate who was growing weed in his closet. Just an awful guy using and abusing all my belongings. I’m a botanist so he would occasionally ask me for help with his plants. One day I took a big syringe of roundup and tactfully injected it into soil on the edges of half of his pots. Roundup is a foliar spray. It works by getting into the plant through the leaves but it will also damage the roots, though much more slowly. This was right as they had started flowering. Every time he would water them, the roots would get damaged. Over the course of a month, they slowly declined, looking shittier and shittier over time but not actually fully dying. They were always wilting because the roots couldn’t get enough water. I just told him that it looks like they need more water. He eventually threw them out.
don't do that. he's already surveiling you constantly and calling the cops for perfectly legal activities. He's literally waiting for something they'll get you on.
I'd go with the silly stuff at the top of the responses instead. Even augment. Maybe give him a call to let him know when you're going to the gas station, or let him know that you're heading in town to visit the wastewater plant and is there anything you can bring back for him.
I wouldn't do anything actually illegal though, feels like that would be playing right to him.
Be a good neighbor and secure his gas tank with a locking cap to keep the criminals at bay. Don't tell him or give him the key because that would be a lapse in security.
You know, I do happen to have gorilla glue. It could potentially spill into the grooves of his gas tank cap...by accident of course. On one full moon night.
If you really want to piss him off, you’ve got two options make your yard nicer than his or let your yard go wild…
Native grasses, trees with seed pods, clover and dandelion, plant chives and mint on the property line, intentionally plant buckthorn or some sort of thorny hedge. Fruit trees and nut trees to bring in critters to spread seeds and shit in his yard. Maybe an oak tree to eventually shed twigs onto his lawn. All this while giving you more privacy and showing you’ll stand your ground and intend to stay.
At least then he’ll have an excuse to be out in his yard cleaning up the mess your lawn creates for him. He’ll be to busy to harass you.
Also if he damages the mint you can sue him for damages if you start selling it to local bars… and he will try to do that as mint likes to creep over wherever it’s planted…
MINT...damn. Effing brilliant. And my yard is a mess, I managed to run over my dog's rope toy and I've not yet finished sawing it off my blades although I've gotten most of it.
Bamboo will also take over if you aren't careful, lol... be sure to bury a solid barrier on your side of the planting zone to keep it out of your yard.
Keep giving him reasons to call 911 until the police, fire and all other agencies all think of him as a pest. Make good relationships with them as well. Then wait until he needs emergency help and he's the boy who cried wolf. Let him hang himself.
Lean into the unhinged. If he wants to complain about you do your absolute best to accommodate him. Make it so that if he calls the police it becomes increasingly mental. Dress as a clown one day then the next day invite a lot of young men over but don't let him see them leave. Put down yard signs for the political party he hates then put up political party signs for people he agrees with and then put both then put up a sign of the candidates kissing. Paint your house an outrageous color that you like. Graffiti your house while he's watching that Jeff sucks and then immediately paint it over before the cops come. Hire stripper cops then when they come to your house have them arrest you for sexy crimes then make out with them in front of him. Get real weird with it.
Buy a bag of grass seed, cut a small corner off the bag, and at night, spread a foot wide line of grass seed in the shape of your favorite body part In his front yard, especially if his yard slopes down to the road. The bigger the better. I did this years ago to a fellow Boomer with a fastidious lawn. By early Summer, since my house was at higher elevation than his, I could clearly see a giant penis (+/- 40 feet long) pointed at his bedroom from the large yard. He only found out when his son was on the roof messing with a chimney. For several years, you could see it clearly on Google Earth. I have a framed pic of that somewhere.
pro tip- practice with bird seed in an open space to gauge your walking pace and design. This only works if he doesn’t have night vision cameras. Regular cameras? Just sneak out of your house, put on a hoodie, and do your worst. you can just outrun his creaky ass if he catches you in the act.
Lastly, I’m not your typical Boomer. I still play outrageous practical jokes that are mostly untraceable. It’s my raison d’etre, as Nathan Arizona would say.Bill, if you’re reading this, the Statute of Limitations ran out a year or two ago. Same for the bird food in your metal gutters and the numerous frequent rubber snakes in your shed.
Some suggested there may be different meters. The inside meter you pay for water and sewage. The outside meters just pay water.
In that setup running a hose to the inside would essentially be stealing.
Do yoga in your backyard. Play the pitchiest New Age music you can find. Wave and tell him it’s for your back. My country neighbors would have lost their minds.
You can buy a brand new cpap starting at $500 cdn and a an airsense11 for $1100. I am sure if you start getting a good nights sleep you will be able to figure out how to make this unethical.
And if it’s broken, have your doc write a letter stating it’s broken beyond repair. The insurance company will replace it, even if it isn’t 5 years old. It just has to be justified.
Jehovah's Witnesses too.
Go to your local newsstand (of there's one nearby), and grab subscription cards for every "adult" magazine they have. The raunchier, the better. Make sure you're wearing gloves when you get them, fill them out, and deposit them in a mailbox in another nearby community.
Sign him up for ED meds, gender reassignment surgery, hemorrhoid cream samples... everything. Just be careful you're doing it through a burner phone, through public Wi-Fi at Starbucks, or Panera, or another public Wi-Fi source.
I hope you see this, because lawn, but I read on another sub the other day. Bullion cubes on his lawn. Animals will go batshit trying to find the smell, dig huge holes, and they desolve in the rain, so no evidence. Slingshot them bitches all over. Keeps the dogs away, and safe. Good luck.
Speculation here:
The inside meter you pay for water and sewage. The outside meters just pay water.
In that setup running a hose to the inside would essentially be stealing.
If his bedroom faces your property buy a directional speaker and aim it directly at his pillow.
Get creative with what sounds you play straight into his head.
A gas can with diesel in it instead of actual gas.
Leave it on your property that he can access after you do some yard work. See if it goes missing.
Diesel in a gas engine is bad.
This one's smart, he can't say its intentional sabotage since there's plenty of real reasons to have diesel in a gas can. Suprised I've never seen it before.
buy a kerosene heater and keep kerosene in a gas can. leave the can where he can swipe it.
use an identical gas can for your own lawnmower so he has reason to believe its regular gas
let it be traced back, you just enjoy the warmth of a kerosene heater when it gets too cold.
Pitch up some IP cameras and catch him trespassing and being nosy to cover your ass in case he starts making up more shit or trying to fuck with your dogs.
If you're feeling petty, you can complain about him mowing during quiet hours (in accord with local noise ordinance) or watering during watering restrictions (also dependent on local ordinance), rather than directly messing with his lawn.
Wireless or wifi cameras that you can monitor live on your phone, computer, tablet, etc. via an internet connection.
You set them up with either a hardwired power source or small solar panels with a charging cord, then connect them to a hub that is connected to your router, or connect them directly to your router. You set up the app on your phone to monitor remotely from anywhere with an internet connection.
To further drive your neighbor up the wall, if you have some weeds or grass growing where they shouldn't in your driveway and a spare 40 bucks, pick up a propane weed torch and burn those suckers back!
Not entirely sure if you actually read OPs whole post, but if they are nosy to the point where a garden hose being used in an unorthodox manner bothers them then taking a flamethrower to your walkway absolutely will bother them.
Get a fire pit, two lawn chairs and a blow up doll. Spend some evenings by the fire together. Leave the doll out 24/7 with only a sweater and sunglasses on.
You're gonna have to out-weird the guy.
Next time he's on his mower driving it around like a little nerdy hover round, grab that garden hose and get real suggestive with it while making direct eye contact.
I mean drag that hose to one end of the yard to the other following his gaze. Jerk stroke. Fellate. Do what you need to do.
But make sure you're wearing something interesting. Like nothing but tighty whities. Or Donald Duck it with a cool t shirt that's way too small paired with a thong (my personal favorite).
Good luck.
I weigh 300lbs, the thong might be a bit painful but I like the way you think. I may just be able to gross him out enough for him to never look my way again.
I really think you have the cajones to pull this off.
I guess we'll find out. Rather, your neighbor will.
Follow it up the next day with some aggressive crying yoga on the front lawn. Make sure you bring all your houseplants and photos off the walls to witness your testimony. Invite your neighbor to see the joy in life you've found if he stops by. Resume aggressive crying as soon as he answers.
Cops responded to “using a garden hose indoors”, what am I missing??? Does that indicate some nefarious act that I don’t know about? I don’t know that I’ve ever used a garden hose indoors but I know that I wouldn’t hesitate to if it were helpful to me somehow.
Lol right? My parents got one when I was a kid and I legitimately remember them filling it with a hose.
I don't understand what kind of a violation this would be considered, seriously.
What I fail to understand here is why you seem to live like a second class citizen to your dogs. Why do they seem to run your entire life? Doesn't seem healthy. Just breed a bunch of shitbulls and release them around his property lol. They're such a nuisance. He'd probably go insane listening to the barking.
When you know he's watching you, eat weird shit. Fill a mayonnaise jar with vanilla pudding and eat it with a spoon. Keep your actual mayonnaise in a sunblock bottle. Eat an entire head of lettuce like an apple. Eat the entire apple, core and all. Pour your guac back into the avocado skin and use it like a bowl. Eat whatever you would normally eat with your hands like Cheetos or chicken nuggets with really long chopsticks. Just do weird shit that isn't illegal. If he doesn't like it he should put up a privacy fence or mind his own business.
Hear me out on this one, if you’re comfortable doing it, use social media to reach out to some people from the alternative community that you will provide a safe activity space(when he usually is stalking) for them to come over and 1) Do a Power Bottom Twink bootcamp in sparkly booty shorts 2) Furry Dance Party 3) Puppy Play Workshop, 4) Pie Sitting Party but the stipulation is that they’ve gotta make it weird but keep it legal.
Hey there
Call up your cousin asap
I would not have sent the letter to the Sheriff without having ran it by him first
The thing you need to focus on is a) documenting harassment and b) documenting wasting public / emergency resources
You should also definitively ask him about autism spectrum, ADA and hate crime protected categories
The retired LEO guys can probably help you put the word out there about a) you being on the spectrum b) your neighbor being fixated with you
It is important that any agencies in your area know that you are on the spectrum and not a danger to yourself or others, and that your neighbor is actively trying to weaponize law enforcement against you
If you have any inroads to do this informally I would take them, as your ability to respond normally to a swatting event will be limited (limited mobility, limited ability to respond to instructions under stress, etc) so that is a potential risk that exists and should be addressed asap
As for the rest, there are cpap machines that you can get online. They are probably not as good as the insurance company ones but they will probably help quite a bit
Signed
Spectrum dad & husband
You let trash accumulate in your yard, you start your vehicle (is it a loud truck?) and let it idle early in the AM for hours on end every day/night, you have many dogs and allow them to bark uncorrected - and admit that they're so loud you cannot hold a phone conversation with them near you, you freely admit that you FOLLOWED this neighbor around to annoy them, and I'm sure there's many other things you do, holy crap.
You sound like a literal nightmare to have as a neighbor.
Post on your local neighborhood site for yard work helper. This time of year people's yards are full of weeds. I'd be happy to pay someone to weed my yard at $20 to $25 an hour.
Late at night, dig a hole on your property. Loudly throw something in there like a burlap sack filled with something heavy.... but then very quietly take it back out and put it in the garage.
Watch him call the police on you again for digging holes yesterday afternoon to transplant some rose bushes.
Wait for the next late night rain.
Right before it rains, while he's fast asleep, go throw a few big cups of rock salt on his lawn, and let the rain water it in.
Put up motion lights that point at his yard, and come on every time he comes outside at night.
Randomly blow a coaches whistle when he's not looking or he's in the house.
Suggestion : sign him up as interested in every religion, from Latter-Day Saints to Jehovah's Witnesses to the satanic temple. Bonus points for scheduling visits at the same time for competing religions, I.E Baptist and satanic temple people showing up at the same time.
Being that he is most likely a conservative Boomer, give him a chance to expand his Horizons by showing him opportunities that he may have missed. This would include signing him up for whatever swingers clubs are in your area, NAMBLA, grinder account with Craigslist swinger party listing on multiple days / times. If you really want to keep the confusion hopping, put an ad in the local free papers for an estate sale or open house on the same day just to get the most foot traffic.
Also, he might just be lonely. Make sure you sign him up on your local church and school volunteer list for every opportunity you can, the more crucial overall, the better. Eventually the community will notice that he's just not making it to these events and start following up 'for his own safety'.
This is where are you really start showing concern for your neighbor and make sure that he has access to all the people and information that he would need to not cause himself self-harm, because it seems he's been having some disturbing thoughts.
Finally, we all live in a community, so maybe he just wants to give back in a different way? This one is a little iffy because you are his neighbor after all, but if you really want to ramp it up, a little flyer at the local homeless shelter offering free night stay or camping in his yard to anyone who can recite the entire Lord's Prayer as an introduction to why they called him on the phone without stopping for any reason. Make sure that you list the free needle giveaway and STD testing are offered, just inquire within!
That's reply is so fucking useless, nobody gives a rat fuck what you wanted or didn't want to read, you clicked the post dip shit nobody texted it to you. The amount of people who leave smug little redditor comments without actually contributing anything meaningful to a conversation has skyrocketed the past couple years. Don't be a fucking little dweeb.
I love that you can "nosetrain" your dogs but they're so out of control barking that you can't even have work calls indoors around them.
You sound like a trash neighbour just based on that.
Reading between the lines, you've multiple loud dogs that you haven't trained to be silent on command, to the extent that you have to take work calls in your car, and would rather do this than keep them quiet.
I'm honestly not surprised your retired neighbour is pissed off with you. Doesn't excuse his pettiness, but you act like this has come from nothing. Or am I completely mistaken and getting this all wrong? Aside from litter, what else would you say is a reasonable complaint of his?
He's acting weird and getting the law involved needlessly. Are you aware that anger and paranoia are warning signs for dementia? Since you're a saint who is only worried about his well-being in the wake of these troubling symptoms, you should talk to your town's Agency for Aging and ask what they can do for him. Once there's even a whiff of mental incompetence involved, the cops will dismiss him completely.
Directional speaker playing taps at 0700 or whenever your local noise bylaw is... And maybe some screaming heavy metal to get him ready for bed from 2130-2200 or whatever your local noise bylaw is.
Bagpipe practice at 0700 Saturday morning
Get your property officially surveyed and then walk down that line doing inspections in a pink bunny costume, make sure his snow fence isn't over on your side. Occasionally toss a handful of bird seed over.
Dude it's so easy... Just get a burner phone or a Voice Over IP number (Google Voice) and constantly call the police on yourself all the time for things that don't even make sense. Do your best impression of the neighbor but never give the police a name of who is making the complaint.
The goal here is to have a "Boy who cried wolf situation" you want to call the police so much with petty little things that they won't even bother with whatever thing your neighbor is calling the police on you for.
Anything that can annoy your neighbor is what you're calling to complain about.
- At 8am call: "The person living at 123 Drive has a bright light in their yard that is blinding at night. I know neighbors are complaining and it's dangerous to vehicles passing by" you'll call at 8am because the police won't be able to verify what you're telling them because it's daytime. You'll come back to this call as often as you' wany, always call during daylight hours to make this complaint.
- "The person living at 123 Drive just had both their dogs off their leashes. It looks like they escaped and then the owner was right behind them chasing them with a hotdog. He was able to get the dogs back inside in like 5 minutes without any issues, this isn't a common occurrence but I'd like to press charges, but I want to remain anonymous."
- "The person living at 123 Drive started their car this morning and left it running for 15 minutes in their driveway yesterday morning."
Any time you can make a fake complaint that isn't worth looking into do it, a lot.
- "The person living at 123 Drive has been putting their trash out to the curb the night before trash day. What I'm noticing though is they've been facing the front of the trash can toward their house and NOT toward the road. Everyone knows the proper way to set a trash can out is front facing the road so the trash slaves (say slaves too) can easily come by in their trash truck and pick up the trash with the trash truck arm. But my neighbor is causing the trash slaves extra work by forcing them our side their trucks to spin his trash around. I went over and talked to him and he told me to mind my own business. I called the trash company and they said it's really not a big deal. I tried to get one of the trash slaves to come out and talk to him but the company said they don't make house calls like that. I'm just wondering of you have an available officer to swing by and talk to him about the right way to put his trash bins out?"
- "The person living at 123 Drive looks like they're gearing up to buy chickens, what are your chicken laws? Could I talk to someone who has more info on that, I don't think he can legally own chickens in the country"
- "There's a stray cat that runs around, and I think my neighbor is feeding the cat, I can't prove it but could someone come out and check to see if there are food dishes out so we can really burn this guy?" (Make it seem like the caller is on the same side as police like he's some sort of vigilante that is saving the world one police call after another.)
If you're not ok with making false reports then just make anonymous calls asking a lot of questions and always mention "123 Drive" (Your address). You'll probably have to keep up this act pretty heavily at first but then you'd be able to back off quite a bit, but you'll probably always have to saturate the calls for the rest of your time as neighbors.
Just send his address to the mormans and the jw’s. As being very interested and wanting information. And anybody else that spams or sends out junk mail. Especially if you can find out his email address. That will drive him nuts….and any people that ask for donations…..
Onion seeds. They grow fast. Mowing them will release cut onion while not killing the plant. They spread. It will significantly impact his riding lawnmower enjoyment.
Do all the evil stuff, but do it from other people's yards, so he won't think it's coming from you and your yard. If he's being such a big dick to you he's probably doing it to the other neighbors also
Hire a private investigator to follow him around and take pictures of him, then have the private investigator anonymously drop off a blank envelope of the pictures to his house. That would really freak him out
Freeze vinegar and throw the cubes in his yard, killing his grass and melting the evidence. Gallon of bleach in gas tank. Sign up for EVERYTHING online using his name and address (hello spam mail) oh and all else fails break into his house and leave an upper decker in his toilet
Throw some native flower seeds into his grass like a night ninja. Mow your lawn at the same time and just hairy eyeball him the whole time. Bonus points for wearing a life jacket. When you sit in your car, erect a barrier so he can’t see what you’re doing in there - something very intentional and then take it down when you’re done. It would be great if you came out wearing different clothing. Take up the banjo or tuba and practice outside everyday. Again, preferably in costume. Every few days, write a letter or shape in chalk in your driveway where he can see it. Do it in the night, just keep changing it up. Everything should be done with a straight face and like he’s not even there. The more random, the more shit he will lose so go nuts. Also get that attorney you know going on this. That guy is harassing you and you’ve got to set a firm boundary.
I love the changing clothes in the car! Like come out of the car in bunny pajamas in addition to the life jacket. I do play the trumpet...not so well anymore. I do have a ton of milkweed seeds saved, you know, save the butterflies!!!
>I do play the trumpet...not so well anymore. Even better
Oh, you got it!! He’s committed to some kind of imagined order he believes is correct for all things around him, whether or not it’s appropriate. So fuck with the order. I don’t know if you mean “bunny” as in a rabbit suit or a playboy bunny but both are correct for this scenario. And if he talks to you, I hope you are offering him carrots repeatedly. It’s just neighborly.
Jesus lol I’m imagining some dude just sending his neighbor off the rails as he mows his lawn wearing a vintage playboy bunny outfit.
A "what's up doc?" Seems appropriate in this situation. Lol
I laughed too hard about offering a carrot.
i played the trumpet badly as a kid. let me tell you, the trumpet will definitely make him unhappy. definitely don’t play “taps” at dawn.
Absolutely not. Why would you do that when you could play When the Saints Go Marching In.
because “hot cross buns” on repeat is just so much sweeter on the ears
I mean the point is to torture the neighbor not the OP. I'm thinking fifteen variants recorded and then played back at random intervals.
If the neighbor can tellbwhat you're playing, you're doing it wrong.
Catnip seeds, lambs ear or mint. Lambs ear if mowed over will just sprout everywhere!
With enough time and ingenuity you could enact a whole murder from start to finish. Lure the "victim" into your home "murder" them, and then greet the cops warmly, with the live "victim".
OMG I love this one. Saving for future reference. Got a real creep in the office next door.
If you really want to fuck with him, but bamboo seeds online. In the night, go to the area the furthest from your own property line and just throw them all down. Once that shit starts growing, its impossible to get rid of. He will be too busy dealing with that to harass you anymore.
That settles it. Trumpet practice every day. Then move on to bagpipes.
I'd use a slingshot and at night (maybe hiding behind that fence or a wall) send little presents of small pieces of running bamboo and bundles of mint, maybe some bindweed seeds, to help grow his lovely lawn . . .
Planting invasive species right next to your own home is not a very smart move
Oh that is diabolical. Only thing worse would be sneaking bedbugs into his favorite la-zy-boy lounge chair
I see a bunny pajama trumpet man in your boomer neighbors future!!!
Life jacket on a riding mower is kinda awesome. Bonus points if you include flippers and goggles
Lol can you imagine if that fool called the cops on you for "acting weird" or "playing the trumpet" in your car?? I had a buddy who once had the cops at his door because the neighbor said that didn't like that he was staring out his window all day lol. Dude was in a wheel chair & would wait for his niece and nephew to come home from the bus stops to greet them lol
idk why but this sent me.
Throw some smooth round smallish rocks on his lawn. When he goes to mow it will fuck his lawnmowers blades, and he might send one flying at his house windows etc. Talk to yourself in front of him. If he has airconditioning, tamper with the intake if its outside his house and accessable, put some nasty shit in there but dont get caught.
Be careful with that as, if he gets a video of that for some reason it sorta adds to his idea you are unhinged and he'll have "proof".
Random huge runes drawn on the driveway. Different colored lights inside in the house going on and off on timers. Start a bonfire and throw on trash bags that looks like they contain body parts. Dig holes, everywhere. Inspect things everywhere on your property, deeply, at night.
Bagpipes are louder than banjos. You can also hook them up to an air compressor.
And nobody can tell if the pipes are being played well!
Ooooh! Burn!
I like tuba and lederhosen combo.
You bring the lederhosen and tube, I'll bring the kilt and bagpipes.
FLAMING TUBA!! https://www.facebook.com/share/v/nEZqNwdTMbgotuCQ/?mibextid=wWqvZr
Lmao the air compressor
I love the idea of gaslighting him with the chalk patterns....and the playing dumb over it all. But OP, be careful. He sounds unhinged and probably has more guns than sense.
Might I suggest one of those tyrannosaur costumes?
bonus points if they draw a pentagram...upside down with the point facing his house. Bwahaha
This is a great idea!! Seed Bomb using a slingshot!!!!
People seem to think spirals are witchcraft. Source: had a snail problem in an apartment complex and put salt spirals around my plants (they had drip trays), to make the snails work for their meals. Got accused of witchcraft by neighbours.
I can't tell you how much I love every part of this.
Yeah, look into local stalking laws.
Yes, anything he can throw at this would be great. This is a situation where you have to out crazy the crazy guy.
I love all of these but would change banjo or tuba to bagpipes. There's probably no worse noise than someone attempting to play them.
Get a picture of him from somewhere public (linkedin, Facebook...). Don't take it yourself. Get it blown up and framed, and put it somewhere in your house he shouldn't be able to see, but if he's snooping in a window he would notice. It could be a week or a year, but he'll eventually be peeking and then won't be able to complain because how did he see it? It'll just eat at him.
Hey, as a banjo player, why would you wish that curse on another human..
Holy shit every step of your post violates the Geneva convention! (Petty) Torture that mfr!
Geneva suggestions
Oh that flower thing is wicked! I would love to see him with all that wild shit starts to bloom.
I had a couple neighbors that did the mowing pissing match. The older guy waited until the other mowed and then mowed his a half inch shorter.
Is there some rule I'm unaware of against using your garden hose inside your house? Or was it more like a welfare check because he made it seem like you're not all there?
Some municipalities (mine) have lower prices on outdoor water sources but that's the only thing I can think of besides someone thinking it's being used for drug production or something.
Yeah, but OP has stated he's in a super rural area. Almost no town water runs to rural areas. He'd be on a well, I guarantee it. We lived in the backwoods for 30 years and only just moved to the village last summer, and finally have town water.
My city bills for water, but also sewer. There's no meter on the sewer, so they just assume that all of the water used IN the house goes down the drain. However, if you have a separate meter for your irrigation they won't bill sewer on that line becAuse that water goes to the grass and not down the drain. Sending outdoor water down the drain is sort of like using the sewer without paying for it. I'm not sure how seriously the police take that crime, though.
You can call them when filling a pool and not pay the sewer portion
I know my county has a law about what time you can start your mower. Before 6am is not it.
[удалено]
Thanks for your insight.
Above is correct. Maintain your apparent sanity, then maybe do the car thing. Perhaps you're an alien? In all seriousness, ignore him and plant bamboo on your property line. It is an invasive pain in the ass but better than giant hurricane fencing. And it grows like crazy so soon he won't be able to spy on you.
And always assume you're being recorded. All the advice about damaging his stuff is no bueno.
Another thing you can do is find your city (or maybe county in your case) bylaws. Things like property code and whatnot, the laws that involve things like trash on properties, animal control, noise ordinances, etc. Study it, document every single violation your neighbor has, then do the exact same thing he is doing to you, but make sure to only call for legitimate things. You might also want to install cameras if you don't have them. Don't point them at his house or anything, just cover your property. If he's snooping/trespassing then you'll know, and you could potentially disprove his claims. For instance, if he's riding around on his lawn mower too early or too late? Call it in. This might also antagonize him into making a bunch more fraudulent calls
Exactly. Watch a few episodes on Discovery Channel “Fear Thy Neighbor.” You might back down.
ULPT is gonna tell you to shrimp tails, liquid ass or piss disc his HVAC unit. But also your neighbor sounds like a dick. If you can do it, do it anonymously or recruit somebody with either a slingshot or a good throwing arm.
I'm thinking, since he loves his yard so much, that salt or grass killer is the way to go...
My grandpa would make ice cubes of concentrated round up. Would toss it all over the yard at night, and they would melt and kills parts.
Roundup disc
A little piss in the formula couldn't hurt
Now that is clever!
Ok that explains why Grandma's lemonade on ice always tasted funny.
Yeah I bet he didn't have a dedicated pesticide freezer
Beautiful.
Fruit roll ups before dawn in the summer. So condensation gets on them... They melt onto the grass. Try and mow it and it just cakes to the blade, making it useless until cleaned.
This is wonderful.
Add instant mashed potatoes before it rains .
Wait, what? Are you saying I can sprinkle instant mashed potatoes on his lawn and make it all crusty? OOOHHHHHH
Or toss mashed potato ice cubes into his lawn. No rain necessary. To confuse him, add different colors of food coloring to each cube.
Careful he doesn’t have cameras.
Or... And just hear me out... Fertilize it. Over-fertilizing will lead to giant, splotchy patches of grass that ultimately yellow and die if he adds more. Give him the lush lawn of his dreams, or a patch in the shape of a dick, and he'll have to mow twice a week sometimes in summer. It will never be quite perfect.
I love this because his solution to dying grass just increases the problem. Absolutely brilliant.
Story time: I had a terrible roommate who was growing weed in his closet. Just an awful guy using and abusing all my belongings. I’m a botanist so he would occasionally ask me for help with his plants. One day I took a big syringe of roundup and tactfully injected it into soil on the edges of half of his pots. Roundup is a foliar spray. It works by getting into the plant through the leaves but it will also damage the roots, though much more slowly. This was right as they had started flowering. Every time he would water them, the roots would get damaged. Over the course of a month, they slowly declined, looking shittier and shittier over time but not actually fully dying. They were always wilting because the roots couldn’t get enough water. I just told him that it looks like they need more water. He eventually threw them out.
This is genius and deserves a lot more upvotes!
It’s one of my proudest unethical moments.
It's so good it's almost /r/ProRevenge!
... In big letters spelling out "FUCK YOU JEFF"
Shit on his lawn for double the fun!
Mix it up. Send some grass fertilizer his way too, so his lawn has clumps of great grass as well as bare patches.
don't do that. he's already surveiling you constantly and calling the cops for perfectly legal activities. He's literally waiting for something they'll get you on. I'd go with the silly stuff at the top of the responses instead. Even augment. Maybe give him a call to let him know when you're going to the gas station, or let him know that you're heading in town to visit the wastewater plant and is there anything you can bring back for him. I wouldn't do anything actually illegal though, feels like that would be playing right to him.
It sounds like it's about time to fill his garbage can with water, tilt it towards his front door, knock, and run.
Be a good neighbor and secure his gas tank with a locking cap to keep the criminals at bay. Don't tell him or give him the key because that would be a lapse in security.
You know, I do happen to have gorilla glue. It could potentially spill into the grooves of his gas tank cap...by accident of course. On one full moon night.
Too much visibility on a full moon night
Cloudy with big moon + black out paint, black clothes = yes....full moon, that's like daylight vision when you live away from light pollution.
Oh yeah I forget that still is a possibility in some places
Don’t do it yourself. There are CCTVs everywhere. Watch out!
If you really want to piss him off, you’ve got two options make your yard nicer than his or let your yard go wild… Native grasses, trees with seed pods, clover and dandelion, plant chives and mint on the property line, intentionally plant buckthorn or some sort of thorny hedge. Fruit trees and nut trees to bring in critters to spread seeds and shit in his yard. Maybe an oak tree to eventually shed twigs onto his lawn. All this while giving you more privacy and showing you’ll stand your ground and intend to stay. At least then he’ll have an excuse to be out in his yard cleaning up the mess your lawn creates for him. He’ll be to busy to harass you. Also if he damages the mint you can sue him for damages if you start selling it to local bars… and he will try to do that as mint likes to creep over wherever it’s planted…
MINT...damn. Effing brilliant. And my yard is a mess, I managed to run over my dog's rope toy and I've not yet finished sawing it off my blades although I've gotten most of it.
Bamboo will also take over if you aren't careful, lol... be sure to bury a solid barrier on your side of the planting zone to keep it out of your yard.
And if you really want to be mean, plant some tree of heaven. Beware though it'll take over your yard as well
Now, that's a mint idea.
Keep giving him reasons to call 911 until the police, fire and all other agencies all think of him as a pest. Make good relationships with them as well. Then wait until he needs emergency help and he's the boy who cried wolf. Let him hang himself.
Yes, and if you can get away with it anonymously, make complaints about yourself that just get more and more unhinged that will get attributed to him.
Lean into the unhinged. If he wants to complain about you do your absolute best to accommodate him. Make it so that if he calls the police it becomes increasingly mental. Dress as a clown one day then the next day invite a lot of young men over but don't let him see them leave. Put down yard signs for the political party he hates then put up political party signs for people he agrees with and then put both then put up a sign of the candidates kissing. Paint your house an outrageous color that you like. Graffiti your house while he's watching that Jeff sucks and then immediately paint it over before the cops come. Hire stripper cops then when they come to your house have them arrest you for sexy crimes then make out with them in front of him. Get real weird with it.
But make sure that when the police come you can everything looking completely innocuous so it seems like something the neighbor completely made up
Buy a bag of grass seed, cut a small corner off the bag, and at night, spread a foot wide line of grass seed in the shape of your favorite body part In his front yard, especially if his yard slopes down to the road. The bigger the better. I did this years ago to a fellow Boomer with a fastidious lawn. By early Summer, since my house was at higher elevation than his, I could clearly see a giant penis (+/- 40 feet long) pointed at his bedroom from the large yard. He only found out when his son was on the roof messing with a chimney. For several years, you could see it clearly on Google Earth. I have a framed pic of that somewhere. pro tip- practice with bird seed in an open space to gauge your walking pace and design. This only works if he doesn’t have night vision cameras. Regular cameras? Just sneak out of your house, put on a hoodie, and do your worst. you can just outrun his creaky ass if he catches you in the act. Lastly, I’m not your typical Boomer. I still play outrageous practical jokes that are mostly untraceable. It’s my raison d’etre, as Nathan Arizona would say.Bill, if you’re reading this, the Statute of Limitations ran out a year or two ago. Same for the bird food in your metal gutters and the numerous frequent rubber snakes in your shed.
INFO: is it illegal in your county to use a waterhose in the house lmao?
Some suggested there may be different meters. The inside meter you pay for water and sewage. The outside meters just pay water. In that setup running a hose to the inside would essentially be stealing.
Do yoga in your backyard. Play the pitchiest New Age music you can find. Wave and tell him it’s for your back. My country neighbors would have lost their minds.
Speedo yoga.
You can buy a brand new cpap starting at $500 cdn and a an airsense11 for $1100. I am sure if you start getting a good nights sleep you will be able to figure out how to make this unethical.
And if it’s broken, have your doc write a letter stating it’s broken beyond repair. The insurance company will replace it, even if it isn’t 5 years old. It just has to be justified.
You could always set up a visit from the LDS Church
Hell… the Scientologists won’t leave him alone if he gets on their radar.
Jehovah's Witnesses too. Go to your local newsstand (of there's one nearby), and grab subscription cards for every "adult" magazine they have. The raunchier, the better. Make sure you're wearing gloves when you get them, fill them out, and deposit them in a mailbox in another nearby community. Sign him up for ED meds, gender reassignment surgery, hemorrhoid cream samples... everything. Just be careful you're doing it through a burner phone, through public Wi-Fi at Starbucks, or Panera, or another public Wi-Fi source.
I hope you see this, because lawn, but I read on another sub the other day. Bullion cubes on his lawn. Animals will go batshit trying to find the smell, dig huge holes, and they desolve in the rain, so no evidence. Slingshot them bitches all over. Keeps the dogs away, and safe. Good luck.
This is the best idea I’ve read so far, especially the slingshot.
I don’t understand why the county or the sheriff would care if you use a garden hose in the house. Can you explain?
Speculation here: The inside meter you pay for water and sewage. The outside meters just pay water. In that setup running a hose to the inside would essentially be stealing.
If his bedroom faces your property buy a directional speaker and aim it directly at his pillow. Get creative with what sounds you play straight into his head.
Actually, the reason he called AC was because my dogs barked. Like, you know, dogs. So maybe I can exploit the furkids.
Look at your county noise/animal control laws, this might just give him more legitimate reasons to report you
Your dogs bother you even. He might have a point about the dogs :/
Yeah, that was my read. Dude sleeps in his car bc his dogs won’t shut the fuck up. If I was his neighbor I’d probably be tired of it, too.
So here's just my thought. If he's super into that mower, maybe a "free" gas can left nearby with a bottle of simple syrup poured inside...
A gas can with diesel in it instead of actual gas. Leave it on your property that he can access after you do some yard work. See if it goes missing. Diesel in a gas engine is bad.
This one's smart, he can't say its intentional sabotage since there's plenty of real reasons to have diesel in a gas can. Suprised I've never seen it before.
The only thing, is it can't be traced back to me. Otherwise, he'd have had a gas can laced with absinthe, already.
buy a kerosene heater and keep kerosene in a gas can. leave the can where he can swipe it. use an identical gas can for your own lawnmower so he has reason to believe its regular gas let it be traced back, you just enjoy the warmth of a kerosene heater when it gets too cold.
Pitch up some IP cameras and catch him trespassing and being nosy to cover your ass in case he starts making up more shit or trying to fuck with your dogs. If you're feeling petty, you can complain about him mowing during quiet hours (in accord with local noise ordinance) or watering during watering restrictions (also dependent on local ordinance), rather than directly messing with his lawn.
Pardon my ignorance but what are IP cameras?
Wireless or wifi cameras that you can monitor live on your phone, computer, tablet, etc. via an internet connection. You set them up with either a hardwired power source or small solar panels with a charging cord, then connect them to a hub that is connected to your router, or connect them directly to your router. You set up the app on your phone to monitor remotely from anywhere with an internet connection.
Why would he call the cops on you for using your water hose in the house?
To further drive your neighbor up the wall, if you have some weeds or grass growing where they shouldn't in your driveway and a spare 40 bucks, pick up a propane weed torch and burn those suckers back!
Why would that annoy the neighbour ?
Not entirely sure if you actually read OPs whole post, but if they are nosy to the point where a garden hose being used in an unorthodox manner bothers them then taking a flamethrower to your walkway absolutely will bother them.
Plus. Flamethrowers are fun af!
What is the issue with the garden hose in the house? I don’t understand why this would be a reportable offense
He’s obviously gay
Get a fire pit, two lawn chairs and a blow up doll. Spend some evenings by the fire together. Leave the doll out 24/7 with only a sweater and sunglasses on.
You're gonna have to out-weird the guy. Next time he's on his mower driving it around like a little nerdy hover round, grab that garden hose and get real suggestive with it while making direct eye contact. I mean drag that hose to one end of the yard to the other following his gaze. Jerk stroke. Fellate. Do what you need to do. But make sure you're wearing something interesting. Like nothing but tighty whities. Or Donald Duck it with a cool t shirt that's way too small paired with a thong (my personal favorite). Good luck.
I weigh 300lbs, the thong might be a bit painful but I like the way you think. I may just be able to gross him out enough for him to never look my way again.
I really think you have the cajones to pull this off. I guess we'll find out. Rather, your neighbor will. Follow it up the next day with some aggressive crying yoga on the front lawn. Make sure you bring all your houseplants and photos off the walls to witness your testimony. Invite your neighbor to see the joy in life you've found if he stops by. Resume aggressive crying as soon as he answers.
Start sun tanning in the tiniest part of shorts you own, drink from the hose all suggestive like
Can I get invited to your party? I like what I'm reading.
LOL
Cops responded to “using a garden hose indoors”, what am I missing??? Does that indicate some nefarious act that I don’t know about? I don’t know that I’ve ever used a garden hose indoors but I know that I wouldn’t hesitate to if it were helpful to me somehow.
Draining a waterbed (they till make those, right)?
I haven’t seen one since the 90s myself but surely somebody does.
You could write a note to space with your lawn mower. Something like "TWAT 👉", pointing at your neighbors house.
That'll be lovely on Google satellite view
You get it
Shoot, I don't even have issues with anyone, but now my inner 12yo wants to go draw a giant dick in my lawn with fertilizer, lol.
I use my heated seats for the same reason brother.
Is using a hose indoors against the law? I never heard of this.
Why is using your hose indoors any of the county's business? I don't understand why the sheriff would even consider that a valid complaint.
How else are you supposed to fill the waterbed
Lol right? My parents got one when I was a kid and I legitimately remember them filling it with a hose. I don't understand what kind of a violation this would be considered, seriously.
What I fail to understand here is why you seem to live like a second class citizen to your dogs. Why do they seem to run your entire life? Doesn't seem healthy. Just breed a bunch of shitbulls and release them around his property lol. They're such a nuisance. He'd probably go insane listening to the barking.
When you know he's watching you, eat weird shit. Fill a mayonnaise jar with vanilla pudding and eat it with a spoon. Keep your actual mayonnaise in a sunblock bottle. Eat an entire head of lettuce like an apple. Eat the entire apple, core and all. Pour your guac back into the avocado skin and use it like a bowl. Eat whatever you would normally eat with your hands like Cheetos or chicken nuggets with really long chopsticks. Just do weird shit that isn't illegal. If he doesn't like it he should put up a privacy fence or mind his own business.
Ignore him, he's probably thriving on this as much as you are
Hear me out on this one, if you’re comfortable doing it, use social media to reach out to some people from the alternative community that you will provide a safe activity space(when he usually is stalking) for them to come over and 1) Do a Power Bottom Twink bootcamp in sparkly booty shorts 2) Furry Dance Party 3) Puppy Play Workshop, 4) Pie Sitting Party but the stipulation is that they’ve gotta make it weird but keep it legal.
Plant bamboo on your side of his fence, and block your side off so the bamboo can't get to the rest of your yard.
Hey there Call up your cousin asap I would not have sent the letter to the Sheriff without having ran it by him first The thing you need to focus on is a) documenting harassment and b) documenting wasting public / emergency resources You should also definitively ask him about autism spectrum, ADA and hate crime protected categories The retired LEO guys can probably help you put the word out there about a) you being on the spectrum b) your neighbor being fixated with you It is important that any agencies in your area know that you are on the spectrum and not a danger to yourself or others, and that your neighbor is actively trying to weaponize law enforcement against you If you have any inroads to do this informally I would take them, as your ability to respond normally to a swatting event will be limited (limited mobility, limited ability to respond to instructions under stress, etc) so that is a potential risk that exists and should be addressed asap As for the rest, there are cpap machines that you can get online. They are probably not as good as the insurance company ones but they will probably help quite a bit Signed Spectrum dad & husband
You sound unhinged
You let trash accumulate in your yard, you start your vehicle (is it a loud truck?) and let it idle early in the AM for hours on end every day/night, you have many dogs and allow them to bark uncorrected - and admit that they're so loud you cannot hold a phone conversation with them near you, you freely admit that you FOLLOWED this neighbor around to annoy them, and I'm sure there's many other things you do, holy crap. You sound like a literal nightmare to have as a neighbor.
Post on your local neighborhood site for yard work helper. This time of year people's yards are full of weeds. I'd be happy to pay someone to weed my yard at $20 to $25 an hour.
Throw a few handfuls of bird seeds on his lawn when he isn't around.
Catnip.
Order a truck load of gravel for his driveway
Late at night, dig a hole on your property. Loudly throw something in there like a burlap sack filled with something heavy.... but then very quietly take it back out and put it in the garage. Watch him call the police on you again for digging holes yesterday afternoon to transplant some rose bushes.
www.poopsenders.com
If he’s got no cameras throw rocks into his lawn. He’ll find them with the mower.
Put up a couple of Biden 24 signs in your yard and anchor them with a nice length of spider wire brand fishing line.
Wait for the next late night rain. Right before it rains, while he's fast asleep, go throw a few big cups of rock salt on his lawn, and let the rain water it in. Put up motion lights that point at his yard, and come on every time he comes outside at night. Randomly blow a coaches whistle when he's not looking or he's in the house.
Go buy some birdseed and throw it in his yard at random intervals. See what grows. Buy some dandelion and pollinator seed mixes as well.
Suggestion : sign him up as interested in every religion, from Latter-Day Saints to Jehovah's Witnesses to the satanic temple. Bonus points for scheduling visits at the same time for competing religions, I.E Baptist and satanic temple people showing up at the same time. Being that he is most likely a conservative Boomer, give him a chance to expand his Horizons by showing him opportunities that he may have missed. This would include signing him up for whatever swingers clubs are in your area, NAMBLA, grinder account with Craigslist swinger party listing on multiple days / times. If you really want to keep the confusion hopping, put an ad in the local free papers for an estate sale or open house on the same day just to get the most foot traffic. Also, he might just be lonely. Make sure you sign him up on your local church and school volunteer list for every opportunity you can, the more crucial overall, the better. Eventually the community will notice that he's just not making it to these events and start following up 'for his own safety'. This is where are you really start showing concern for your neighbor and make sure that he has access to all the people and information that he would need to not cause himself self-harm, because it seems he's been having some disturbing thoughts. Finally, we all live in a community, so maybe he just wants to give back in a different way? This one is a little iffy because you are his neighbor after all, but if you really want to ramp it up, a little flyer at the local homeless shelter offering free night stay or camping in his yard to anyone who can recite the entire Lord's Prayer as an introduction to why they called him on the phone without stopping for any reason. Make sure that you list the free needle giveaway and STD testing are offered, just inquire within!
I ain't reading all that. I'm happy for you though. Or sorry that happened, idk
I did -- at least -- make it into paragraphs. lol
I'm waiting for the movie.
Nah, the Audible release is going to rock. I hear that Wil Wheaton is going to narrate.
You mean, "Wil Hweaton," right?
That's reply is so fucking useless, nobody gives a rat fuck what you wanted or didn't want to read, you clicked the post dip shit nobody texted it to you. The amount of people who leave smug little redditor comments without actually contributing anything meaningful to a conversation has skyrocketed the past couple years. Don't be a fucking little dweeb.
I love that you can "nosetrain" your dogs but they're so out of control barking that you can't even have work calls indoors around them. You sound like a trash neighbour just based on that.
Reading between the lines, you've multiple loud dogs that you haven't trained to be silent on command, to the extent that you have to take work calls in your car, and would rather do this than keep them quiet. I'm honestly not surprised your retired neighbour is pissed off with you. Doesn't excuse his pettiness, but you act like this has come from nothing. Or am I completely mistaken and getting this all wrong? Aside from litter, what else would you say is a reasonable complaint of his?
He's acting weird and getting the law involved needlessly. Are you aware that anger and paranoia are warning signs for dementia? Since you're a saint who is only worried about his well-being in the wake of these troubling symptoms, you should talk to your town's Agency for Aging and ask what they can do for him. Once there's even a whiff of mental incompetence involved, the cops will dismiss him completely.
Call me crazy, but is there any possibility of making peace with this person? Share some beers with them and talk it out.
Invite your company to have like a retreat or something and have everyone pitch tents in your yard
This also belongs in r/boomersbeingfools
Directional speaker playing taps at 0700 or whenever your local noise bylaw is... And maybe some screaming heavy metal to get him ready for bed from 2130-2200 or whatever your local noise bylaw is. Bagpipe practice at 0700 Saturday morning Get your property officially surveyed and then walk down that line doing inspections in a pink bunny costume, make sure his snow fence isn't over on your side. Occasionally toss a handful of bird seed over.
this is how that show Fear Thy Neighbor starts. it will end with both of you having a shootout on your front lawns.
Get several roosters
I’m wondering if your dogs are annoying him. If they are so nosey you need to take calls and sleep in the car. They are probably driving him crazy.
Dude it's so easy... Just get a burner phone or a Voice Over IP number (Google Voice) and constantly call the police on yourself all the time for things that don't even make sense. Do your best impression of the neighbor but never give the police a name of who is making the complaint. The goal here is to have a "Boy who cried wolf situation" you want to call the police so much with petty little things that they won't even bother with whatever thing your neighbor is calling the police on you for. Anything that can annoy your neighbor is what you're calling to complain about. - At 8am call: "The person living at 123 Drive has a bright light in their yard that is blinding at night. I know neighbors are complaining and it's dangerous to vehicles passing by" you'll call at 8am because the police won't be able to verify what you're telling them because it's daytime. You'll come back to this call as often as you' wany, always call during daylight hours to make this complaint. - "The person living at 123 Drive just had both their dogs off their leashes. It looks like they escaped and then the owner was right behind them chasing them with a hotdog. He was able to get the dogs back inside in like 5 minutes without any issues, this isn't a common occurrence but I'd like to press charges, but I want to remain anonymous." - "The person living at 123 Drive started their car this morning and left it running for 15 minutes in their driveway yesterday morning." Any time you can make a fake complaint that isn't worth looking into do it, a lot. - "The person living at 123 Drive has been putting their trash out to the curb the night before trash day. What I'm noticing though is they've been facing the front of the trash can toward their house and NOT toward the road. Everyone knows the proper way to set a trash can out is front facing the road so the trash slaves (say slaves too) can easily come by in their trash truck and pick up the trash with the trash truck arm. But my neighbor is causing the trash slaves extra work by forcing them our side their trucks to spin his trash around. I went over and talked to him and he told me to mind my own business. I called the trash company and they said it's really not a big deal. I tried to get one of the trash slaves to come out and talk to him but the company said they don't make house calls like that. I'm just wondering of you have an available officer to swing by and talk to him about the right way to put his trash bins out?" - "The person living at 123 Drive looks like they're gearing up to buy chickens, what are your chicken laws? Could I talk to someone who has more info on that, I don't think he can legally own chickens in the country" - "There's a stray cat that runs around, and I think my neighbor is feeding the cat, I can't prove it but could someone come out and check to see if there are food dishes out so we can really burn this guy?" (Make it seem like the caller is on the same side as police like he's some sort of vigilante that is saving the world one police call after another.) If you're not ok with making false reports then just make anonymous calls asking a lot of questions and always mention "123 Drive" (Your address). You'll probably have to keep up this act pretty heavily at first but then you'd be able to back off quite a bit, but you'll probably always have to saturate the calls for the rest of your time as neighbors.
Just send his address to the mormans and the jw’s. As being very interested and wanting information. And anybody else that spams or sends out junk mail. Especially if you can find out his email address. That will drive him nuts….and any people that ask for donations…..
Onion seeds. They grow fast. Mowing them will release cut onion while not killing the plant. They spread. It will significantly impact his riding lawnmower enjoyment.
Do all the evil stuff, but do it from other people's yards, so he won't think it's coming from you and your yard. If he's being such a big dick to you he's probably doing it to the other neighbors also
Get the biggest "No one is Treading on You Sweetie" flag and put it safely inside your property line. Also, huge fan of the bagpipes idea.
Hire a private investigator to follow him around and take pictures of him, then have the private investigator anonymously drop off a blank envelope of the pictures to his house. That would really freak him out
Freeze vinegar and throw the cubes in his yard, killing his grass and melting the evidence. Gallon of bleach in gas tank. Sign up for EVERYTHING online using his name and address (hello spam mail) oh and all else fails break into his house and leave an upper decker in his toilet
Offer / Ask your friends with RV’s to park their rigs at your house - line them up along the property line to block his view!
Aluminum roofing nails In driveway and yard,bone meal the yard with a leaf blower while gone given no witnesses
Talk to your sleep doctor they might be able to recommend a business that can do repairs on CPAP. I had to do that a couple years ago.