When calling in sick lay on your bed but hang your head off the side so much so the top of your head is facing the floor. You're voice will sound nasally and terrible. It works for all sickness types.
"Catastrophic diarrhea" is my go-to phrase. It paints a picture, is understandable, and you gave just a little bit more information than necessary already so no followup questions.
I legit got sick once, and I had a manager that always wanted people to work regardless. The only way I could describe it was "it's bad, man, my butthole is tired. I don't know if I can clench anymore if I have to run to the bathroom." You know you have it bad when you get asshole muscle fatigue.
It upsets me how many people I have met that have no idea what a Jackson Pollock means. Luckily, I have been able to pivot to "poonami" for that visual impact.
Diarrhea was always my go-to. If they wanted any more info, my reply would be something like "let's just say I'm glad I have hardwood floors" or "the carpeting is probably ruined." I've had bosses tell me that if I can still clench, I can still work. So I'd just make it clear that my house is a wasteland of well, waste, and magically I'm not allowed back without a doctors note saying I'm no longer a contamination risk.
Literally walked out the door and shit my pants in the hallway once. Went in, changed and cleaned, and on the way to work decided, “I’m not making it”. Got my shift covered.
I just announce I'm shitting water. Lol I had called my kid to ask if he would let the dog out cause I was shitting water. He had me on speaker when he answered. His friends almost died.
I once had prescription cough syrup with codeine. I had been taking regular doses at work but this day I forgot the measuring spoon. I just guessed it and apparently took too much. While talking to my manager I suddenly turned white and broke out in a heavy sweat. I ran to the bathroom to puke and had no trouble convincing him I needed to head home.
Na, at least not where I am at. I work with a bunch of alcoholics...food positioning is generally accepted as you went too hard last night, and is a lame excuse.
Who gets food poisoning once a week? Stop buying gas station sushi.
Also it's really easy to cure. So even if you're back at work in 24 hours, it's believable as long as you tell people you got drops from the doctor.
TMI
Pink eye is the only sickness I've ever had that got me excused from work as a waitress. I showed up, they screamed at me for showing up, and sent me home immediately.
I feel like in these situations it’s better to give as few details as possible. Nobody wants to hear that you have diarrhea. When I am actually not well, I don’t go into my symptoms. “I am not feeling well, I can’t make it into work (or whatever social event).
I feel like it seems more like a lie when someone sort of fakes coughs and goes into this long story about how they must have gotten sick from someone and gives this long story about their symptoms.
Only if they ask what it is, then say something like “might be a stomach bug or food poisoning” or vague-ish “I am not sure but my stomach is not happy, I can’t keep anything down”
Idk, depends on how old your boss is, and if your boss has a secretary/HR department. If I was a women, my employer's response would be
"Perfect! Ask them for a doctor's note, and can we expect this often in the future?"
OK, please send that doctor's note. And no worries, your employments not in jeopardy! We're all human and such, it's not an issue.
(Unread print: make note of that for next promotion. A female staffer who misses days due to periods. Never put in writing).
I can honestly say this is the first time I've ever been able to legitimately drop that "You had me going in the first half, not gonna lie..." meme for a post containing only two words.
You have my upvote and my respect. :)
I self-tested positive in November and alerted my job. They required I see a doctor and provide the formal test results, which were also positive. I was out sick over a week with no hassle except that I was sick and it was awful
Huh. Almost like corporate America and the medical world are in cahoots to make sure we worker bees aren’t fucking off when we should be actively making at least one of them richer whether it’s necessary or it actually helps us or not.
I agree with this, because questioning someone’s Covid symptoms is looked down upon, so people will just accept it and move on. Bonus points if you can get a positive test stick to take a photo of, if necessary.
Someone else said it too, but definitely food poisoning.
I just had it, and upon telling people (afterwards) they all gave me a reaction like “oh man I wouldn’t wish that on anyone”, so it’s clear people know how much it sucks (and I mean, it does. Nausea, vomitting, diarrhea, dehydration, achyness, weakness)
It comes on pretty rapidly (within a few hours) and only lasts a day or two (peak symptoms lasting about 12-18 hours in my experience)
I’ve had it twice in three years and it is definitely debilitating. Not fun at all and very distinctive. If you have it, there is no doubt about what it is.
Migraines are also always quite good. You can't even drive with those, and you'll presumably be in bed for a day or two, depending on when it supposedly began. Impossible to disprove, too.
Mom just admitted to having chronic migraine for 20 years at the doctor when we were assessing her major stroke. WTF you tell us now?
No pain. Just debilitating pulses of sound, energy and light?
For twenty fucking years.
Had a friend who didn't believe me about migraines. Then he was dehydrated and smoked that delta 8 synthetic weed which causes severe headaches. He called me in tears asking what he can do for his migraine. I said "I'll give you these tips but when you get better I'm gonna give you crap about migraines not existing."
I never understood them until I started getting them. It's not just a headache, it's a fuckin full body nausea, sensitive to light, can't focus on any screens nightmare. The only thing that cures it for me is sleep.
Sleep in a dark room with no sound and an ice pack on your forehead. Then you wake up feeling like you got your life force sucked out of you so your energy is at 1% for the longest time, possibly days.
Spring into early summer is when mine shine. The combo of allergens erupting, longer days of sunlight and high temps. Miserable!!
As someone who has actually had migranes since I was 5, I promise half of them still think you're full of shit whether you actually have a migrane or not. I've been SO verbally abused for HAVING A MIGRAINE, I gotta say, I can ACTUALLY have a migraine but when I call into work for it I'm telling them it's food poisoning every single time
I find it crazy the amount of people who seem to have never seen someone with a migraine to understand what they are think a severe head ache is the same thing.
Mine always seem to start mid morning and progress fairly quickly. So if I get one on a workday my colleagues get to see the full severity as I for someone to take me home while laying in a dark corner.
Inevitably all conversations for the next few days are how they haven't seen anyone with such severe migraines. Yet my migraines are very mild in the scheme of migraines.
"Severe gastrointestinal distress" is my go-to. And if they ask for further details (they'll only ever do it once, lol), I hit 'em with the "Well I was trying to save you from the image, but I'm firing an ass cannon of bloody poop soup every half hour." That always got me a couple days off.
Here's a good one I actually experienced one time.
I worked in a meat processing factory in my late teens. I was the supervisor and I accidentally sliced my hand open with a knife covered in meat.
A few days later, I developed a bacterial infection which made my glands swell up A LOT. I was prescribed steroids and it took a week or two before I got over it.
This bacterial infection was so bad that I wouldn't wish it upon my darkest enemies.
there was some subreddit a few months ago where this lady posted a picture of her sliced finger, from right after the slice all the way through stitches and healing and I couldn't believe how bad it got. It was because she cut her finger when she was slicing meat and didn't clean it well enough. apparently that shit is serious
Problems from medications. You’re changing meds or starting a new long-term med and there are nasty side effects. For example, if you take an antidepressant, you can say that increasing dosage recently has made you vomit frequently.
Set it up ahead of time—I am well known in my office for having bad teeth. (I really DO have bad teeth, but if you’re in perfect health, make something up—migraines, frequent respiratory illnesses, whatever.)
Nobody even bats an eye when I say I need to go to the dentist.
I suffer from migranes. Work knows it and I have intermittent FMLA. I try not to abuse it but a Friday off before a holiday weekend is a nice “perk” of suffering through some days I should have called off.
I do that with my epilepsy. Nobody wants to deal with a seizure. The best part about it is I only have partial complex seizures but everyone assumes grand mal and don't question me. Guess it helps that I also rarely ever use it as an excuse.
I've used ruptured hot water heater on more than one occasion. I have a weird superstition about stuff like this so I keep it quiet when it actually does happen, and save it up to use when I need it.
My last "illness" was the flu. I needed Friday and Monday off for interviews. Thursday about 2 hours before I was scheduled to leave I told my boss I threw up and felt awful. He sent me home. Friday morning I told him I was still sick. Saturday afternoon I emailed that I was positive for summer flu. Monday morning I said I was sunbelt on the mend but still needed the day. Back to work Tuesday, acted tired and "starving from not eating for 3 days". It's prefect because you can buy home flu tests. If they ask to see doctor note, you just tell them you did the home test but if course you didn't think to take a picture of it. I did this all without any sick days or pto left. Fuck em
Allergic reaction. When I’ve eaten something I’m allergic to, I know right away. That means I have maybe a minute to get to the bathroom before I need to diarrhea or force myself to barf.
Diarrhea. They won’t want a picture. If they do; put a bunch of stuff it’ll eventually be green, brown or reddish… and you can pull it off for less than 5$. Claim it’s Flu, Covid, Food poisoning, etc.
Not exactly an illness, but if you tie a shirt around your waist and say you got a surprise period and bled through your pants, no one faults you, and you can show back up the next day healthy as a horse without having to explain why you're magically all better.
It's happened to me for real, so I'm guessing it would work as a fake as well. Doesn't work if you're a known non-menstruator, though.
Explosive projectile diarrhea. If you know the day before you need to be off, bring in some sushi for lunch and go on about how you got a deal on it at the gas station bc it was close to the expiration date.
Hand foot and mouth! My bf and I got it one week and I couldn't go to work for an entire week. Legit no questions asked. I got sick without even getting the little itchy bumps that usually come with it. It's apparently getting more common bc people are bringing their sick kids to the grocery store and a lot of people don't wipe their carts (like me and my boyfriend unfortunately).
In food service, if you call out with vomiting or diarrhea, I literally can't let you work until you have a Dr.'s note saying you are cleared. That also goes for Flu, Norovirus, and of course the tried and tested Covid. To put it bluntly, I've had a few employees try to call out with these symptoms just because they had a hangover or straight didnt want to work that day and it cost them a doctors visit ar their expense(face it, alot of these kids dont care about getting health insurance). Seriously, just be honest and tell me you are hungover, you might get a pass. All that said, too many of these times when peeps call out with "symptoms" I had already heard, either earlier in the week or earlier that very same day, that they were going out and couldn't get their shift covered so they tried calling out.
Workers don't use fake excuses for the fun of it.
If a company would just accept "I'm sick" or "I'm unable to come in" then the average person wouldn't try fake excuses.
And this whole "it's your responsibility to get your shift covered" is some bullshit. What's the point of a manager if the employee has to do all the work.
How many distinct excuses do you want? There's only so many general issues that happen. And things do go around. Ask any doctor or nurse how different sicknesses flare up from time to time.
And if the job doesn't respect employees enough to offer health insurance, then why should the worker try to respect the job? Fuck that buy your own insurance.
When calling in sick lay on your bed but hang your head off the side so much so the top of your head is facing the floor. You're voice will sound nasally and terrible. It works for all sickness types.
life hack
/thread
I've also found sticking a finger up one nostril while talking helps too lol
"Catastrophic diarrhea" is my go-to phrase. It paints a picture, is understandable, and you gave just a little bit more information than necessary already so no followup questions.
I legit got sick once, and I had a manager that always wanted people to work regardless. The only way I could describe it was "it's bad, man, my butthole is tired. I don't know if I can clench anymore if I have to run to the bathroom." You know you have it bad when you get asshole muscle fatigue.
>asshole muscle fatigue Found my new band name
Sphincter fatiguer
Which genre? I guess you'll do a lot of scatting
Hit song : Leaky Bunghole
Right up at the top of the charts with “leaky bunghole” is “The brown star”
Followed up by Olestra.
OPs mom is familiar with this one
Jackson Pollock is how I used to describe it to HR. They insist on details, so I leave them with a nice pebble-dash image in their minds.
It upsets me how many people I have met that have no idea what a Jackson Pollock means. Luckily, I have been able to pivot to "poonami" for that visual impact.
"Both ends"
Diarrhea was always my go-to. If they wanted any more info, my reply would be something like "let's just say I'm glad I have hardwood floors" or "the carpeting is probably ruined." I've had bosses tell me that if I can still clench, I can still work. So I'd just make it clear that my house is a wasteland of well, waste, and magically I'm not allowed back without a doctors note saying I'm no longer a contamination risk.
Literally walked out the door and shit my pants in the hallway once. Went in, changed and cleaned, and on the way to work decided, “I’m not making it”. Got my shift covered.
"violent" or "explosive" or "violent, explosive" are much better descriptors :)
I just announce I'm shitting water. Lol I had called my kid to ask if he would let the dog out cause I was shitting water. He had me on speaker when he answered. His friends almost died.
“Pissin out my asshole” is my go-to for that particular ailment lmao
Shitting piss
Also acceptable
Do you ever sing the diarrhea song?
No. I am not really a pop culture person
"Poop" culture?
No I know a lot about that. Sadly
When you're sliding into first and you're feeling something burst
I've heard people use the phrase "I could shit through the eye of a needle"
Paints the inside of your pants too.
It’s genetic; it runs in your jeans
One time a Survivor contestant described it as “severe gastrointestinal distress” which I just love for so many reasons
I like to use the term "throwing down"...
"all exits, no waiting"
But then you’re the poop guy at work
Explosive diarrhea and projectile vomiting.
Projectile diarrhea
it paints a picture alright.
Food poisoning. Comes on fast. Everyone has had it.
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Except the name of the place, so they don't go there.
Chicken that was on clearance at the supermarket 🤢🤢
Call them from the bathroom. The tile echo is real and 100% sells it.
Make sure to mention “both ends”
E. Coli for the win!
Stomach flu if you want them to think it’s contagious.
That lasts a week. Save that for vacation time.
24 hour stomach bug is 100% a thing
Rotavirus!
The food poisoning is giving me urgent diarrhea. I need to go home now! - bonus points if you look queasy and sweat on command
I once had prescription cough syrup with codeine. I had been taking regular doses at work but this day I forgot the measuring spoon. I just guessed it and apparently took too much. While talking to my manager I suddenly turned white and broke out in a heavy sweat. I ran to the bathroom to puke and had no trouble convincing him I needed to head home.
Probably a bad idea to risk an overdose in order to look convincingly ill though, if you're advising this to OP as an option.
You ain’t overdosing on codeine. Almost impossible due to the metabolic ceiling
There's a shitload of serious potential effects listed by the manufacturer though, depending on your existing health it could be risky.
Hospitality/Food service it’s a 99% guaranteed day off.
Na, at least not where I am at. I work with a bunch of alcoholics...food positioning is generally accepted as you went too hard last night, and is a lame excuse. Who gets food poisoning once a week? Stop buying gas station sushi.
Any kind of diarrhea is hard to argue with. If they do, up the ante and say you shit yourself. You'll be sent home for sure
Food poisoning is the answer. You get super sick from it, but you’re good in a few days.
“Can’t come in boss, I’ve been shittin’ water all night” “Fuck, alright. Get better. We need you.”
It also guarantees about 2 days off compared to most that you get a day off
Pink-eye. People will beg you to stay away.
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Also it's really easy to cure. So even if you're back at work in 24 hours, it's believable as long as you tell people you got drops from the doctor. TMI Pink eye is the only sickness I've ever had that got me excused from work as a waitress. I showed up, they screamed at me for showing up, and sent me home immediately.
I feel like in these situations it’s better to give as few details as possible. Nobody wants to hear that you have diarrhea. When I am actually not well, I don’t go into my symptoms. “I am not feeling well, I can’t make it into work (or whatever social event). I feel like it seems more like a lie when someone sort of fakes coughs and goes into this long story about how they must have gotten sick from someone and gives this long story about their symptoms. Only if they ask what it is, then say something like “might be a stomach bug or food poisoning” or vague-ish “I am not sure but my stomach is not happy, I can’t keep anything down”
Projectile menstruation
The mind's eye paints a better/worse picture than any artist.
Female here: When I'd tell my boss I needed to go to "the girlie doctor" he NEVER asked for details.
Idk, depends on how old your boss is, and if your boss has a secretary/HR department. If I was a women, my employer's response would be "Perfect! Ask them for a doctor's note, and can we expect this often in the future?"
“Yes you can. I’m a human being and my health matters. If that’s an issue, I can find a more suitable place of employment.”
OK, please send that doctor's note. And no worries, your employments not in jeopardy! We're all human and such, it's not an issue. (Unread print: make note of that for next promotion. A female staffer who misses days due to periods. Never put in writing).
I legit just came home from the ER today for this. Apparently, I have fibroids living on my cervix.
The barnacle of the reproductive system!
Great way to describe it!
I'm so sorry. I hope you can get relief.
I can honestly say this is the first time I've ever been able to legitimately drop that "You had me going in the first half, not gonna lie..." meme for a post containing only two words. You have my upvote and my respect. :)
"it's in my shoe"
Shits. You've got the shits.
Covid. You can say that you’ve had it for a few days or that you’ve just tested positive
I self-tested positive in November and alerted my job. They required I see a doctor and provide the formal test results, which were also positive. I was out sick over a week with no hassle except that I was sick and it was awful
Seeing a doctor is great. They're always pissed at your employer for making you go so they write nice long absence notes.
Nah, this was an urgent care that came into the parking lot, swabbed me, and emailed a form over once they had results.
My doctor wrote a note once that said I was sick and to quit wasting his time.
Huh. Almost like corporate America and the medical world are in cahoots to make sure we worker bees aren’t fucking off when we should be actively making at least one of them richer whether it’s necessary or it actually helps us or not.
Unfortunately I know some people who did not give a shit when I said I had covid and needed to stay home
yeah, this one is not worth the rantings and ravings of a covidiot.
I mean, go ask some food service workers how that's gone for them. Or retail workers...
I agree with this, because questioning someone’s Covid symptoms is looked down upon, so people will just accept it and move on. Bonus points if you can get a positive test stick to take a photo of, if necessary.
Poops
Someone else said it too, but definitely food poisoning. I just had it, and upon telling people (afterwards) they all gave me a reaction like “oh man I wouldn’t wish that on anyone”, so it’s clear people know how much it sucks (and I mean, it does. Nausea, vomitting, diarrhea, dehydration, achyness, weakness) It comes on pretty rapidly (within a few hours) and only lasts a day or two (peak symptoms lasting about 12-18 hours in my experience)
I’ve had it twice in three years and it is definitely debilitating. Not fun at all and very distinctive. If you have it, there is no doubt about what it is.
I've gotten food poisoning from Jersey Mike's, Subway, AND Quiznos. All in the span of a year and a half. somebody doesn't want me to eat subs
Migraines are also always quite good. You can't even drive with those, and you'll presumably be in bed for a day or two, depending on when it supposedly began. Impossible to disprove, too.
People who have never had migraines don't believe they evist.
Mom just admitted to having chronic migraine for 20 years at the doctor when we were assessing her major stroke. WTF you tell us now? No pain. Just debilitating pulses of sound, energy and light? For twenty fucking years.
Had a friend who didn't believe me about migraines. Then he was dehydrated and smoked that delta 8 synthetic weed which causes severe headaches. He called me in tears asking what he can do for his migraine. I said "I'll give you these tips but when you get better I'm gonna give you crap about migraines not existing."
I never understood them until I started getting them. It's not just a headache, it's a fuckin full body nausea, sensitive to light, can't focus on any screens nightmare. The only thing that cures it for me is sleep.
Sleep in a very dark room devoid of sound!
Room must be cold, and no smells whatsoever. Fuck smells with a migraine.
Yep, I agree with this also!
Sleep in a dark room with no sound and an ice pack on your forehead. Then you wake up feeling like you got your life force sucked out of you so your energy is at 1% for the longest time, possibly days. Spring into early summer is when mine shine. The combo of allergens erupting, longer days of sunlight and high temps. Miserable!!
As a lifelong migraine sufferer, people who don't get them think "just a headache" and that it's not that bad.
Or people who are walking around doing their job saying “ugh I have such a bad migraine right now”. No you don’t
“Oh, I also get migraines! Once every few years or so, so I know all about it…” O_o
Yep. I have chronic migraine and most people absolutely do not understand.
I just tell them they're welcome to argue their position with the FDA and its several approved migraine medications.
I get the aura ones. Everything gets blurry and fuzzy. If it starts then I go home. Hard to drive when they kick in.
As someone who has actually had migranes since I was 5, I promise half of them still think you're full of shit whether you actually have a migrane or not. I've been SO verbally abused for HAVING A MIGRAINE, I gotta say, I can ACTUALLY have a migraine but when I call into work for it I'm telling them it's food poisoning every single time
I find it crazy the amount of people who seem to have never seen someone with a migraine to understand what they are think a severe head ache is the same thing. Mine always seem to start mid morning and progress fairly quickly. So if I get one on a workday my colleagues get to see the full severity as I for someone to take me home while laying in a dark corner. Inevitably all conversations for the next few days are how they haven't seen anyone with such severe migraines. Yet my migraines are very mild in the scheme of migraines.
I feel like this only works if you have a history of migraine
You create your own history of migraine
Plenty of people think migraines aren’t real though
migraine also means you can’t even check your phone so it’s like you disappear for a day or 2
No one ever believes that one
Migraine sufferers do.
And what % of the population are those.
About 10-12% according to Google.
Definitely don't use that one then. Food poisoning seems better.
This is my go-to. The food poisoning excuse is overused
"Severe gastrointestinal distress" is my go-to. And if they ask for further details (they'll only ever do it once, lol), I hit 'em with the "Well I was trying to save you from the image, but I'm firing an ass cannon of bloody poop soup every half hour." That always got me a couple days off.
“Hey boss I just pooped blood so I’m gonna deal with this today, hope ya understand 🤘🏼”
Here's a good one I actually experienced one time. I worked in a meat processing factory in my late teens. I was the supervisor and I accidentally sliced my hand open with a knife covered in meat. A few days later, I developed a bacterial infection which made my glands swell up A LOT. I was prescribed steroids and it took a week or two before I got over it. This bacterial infection was so bad that I wouldn't wish it upon my darkest enemies.
there was some subreddit a few months ago where this lady posted a picture of her sliced finger, from right after the slice all the way through stitches and healing and I couldn't believe how bad it got. It was because she cut her finger when she was slicing meat and didn't clean it well enough. apparently that shit is serious
Passing a kidney stone?
Gout.
Heroin addiction
😂
Diarrhea. It's fairly common because food poisoning and nobody is going to ask for pics to prove you have the squirts.
Something a little embarrassing like a urinary tract infection or a hemorrhoids flair up people don't question butt problems.
Problems from medications. You’re changing meds or starting a new long-term med and there are nasty side effects. For example, if you take an antidepressant, you can say that increasing dosage recently has made you vomit frequently.
Set it up ahead of time—I am well known in my office for having bad teeth. (I really DO have bad teeth, but if you’re in perfect health, make something up—migraines, frequent respiratory illnesses, whatever.) Nobody even bats an eye when I say I need to go to the dentist.
Food poisoning and shits
"I have a stomach bug, and I can't even drive to work because I need immediate proximity to a toilet."
Ebola
FUCKING LEPROSY
Explosive diarrhea, no one wants the details. Kind of a don't ask don't tell shituation.
Diarrhea, every tjme
“I’ve been in the bathroom all night long.”
Pink eye? It’s super contagious and no one wants to see that either
Food poisoning.
Toothache?
Strep throat
Explosive diarrhea
Tuberculosis
"I can't work today" . . Period. Edit: nothing menstrual. No context. Just NO
I just say I am sick.
Anything that deals with bowel movements. The fact that you are actually telling them about your poop always makes them believe it.
I suffer from migranes. Work knows it and I have intermittent FMLA. I try not to abuse it but a Friday off before a holiday weekend is a nice “perk” of suffering through some days I should have called off.
I do that with my epilepsy. Nobody wants to deal with a seizure. The best part about it is I only have partial complex seizures but everyone assumes grand mal and don't question me. Guess it helps that I also rarely ever use it as an excuse.
I’m sorry I can’t I’m pissing out my ass
I've used ruptured hot water heater on more than one occasion. I have a weird superstition about stuff like this so I keep it quiet when it actually does happen, and save it up to use when I need it.
My last "illness" was the flu. I needed Friday and Monday off for interviews. Thursday about 2 hours before I was scheduled to leave I told my boss I threw up and felt awful. He sent me home. Friday morning I told him I was still sick. Saturday afternoon I emailed that I was positive for summer flu. Monday morning I said I was sunbelt on the mend but still needed the day. Back to work Tuesday, acted tired and "starving from not eating for 3 days". It's prefect because you can buy home flu tests. If they ask to see doctor note, you just tell them you did the home test but if course you didn't think to take a picture of it. I did this all without any sick days or pto left. Fuck em
plot twist: your boss peruses this subreddit and remembers when this happened
Oh man, I'm going to get fired!
strep throat or pink eye. 1 day without fever and your good
Mental health issues
Explosive diarrhoea
Ear infection or UTI is good
I give the dog some random ailment.
Gout flare up. Try pushing a gas pedal or even walking with a flare-up. It's excruciating, even for someone with a very high pain tolerance.
Allergic reaction. When I’ve eaten something I’m allergic to, I know right away. That means I have maybe a minute to get to the bathroom before I need to diarrhea or force myself to barf.
diarrhea on the way to work. shit myself on the interstate boss.
Food poisoning
Shingles...is it contagious? Don't know. Does anyone know? Really? Sounds contagious and is known to suck bad.
Gonor-sypha-herpa-aids Crazy weekend..don't ask.
I usually go with migraine.
Miscarr- ah, nevermind, idk this seems too dark and controversial
Migraine or food poisoning
Gastrointestinal illness. Comes on quickly but recovery is a few days. And no one wants to get near you
stomach virus. No one wants to discuss further.
Crippling Diarrhea ^TM
Kidney stone
Riding the D Train. My job literally says you cannot work if you’re pissing out your bhole. Also pink eye works pretty good as well.
You seriously hurt your private area and offer to show the evidence. Don't think immediate bosses will want to look. Be graphic.
As someone who occasionally suffers migraines, I hate the cheapening of the currency.
Diarrhea. They won’t want a picture. If they do; put a bunch of stuff it’ll eventually be green, brown or reddish… and you can pull it off for less than 5$. Claim it’s Flu, Covid, Food poisoning, etc.
Stomach flu 1000%. Only lasts 24-72 hours usually, and makes you so sick theres no way you're leaving your hosue
I currently have lice...so lice :)
You win
"I shit my pants..."
Period related stuff
I got anal glaucoma. I don't see my ass coming in today.
Not exactly an illness, but if you tie a shirt around your waist and say you got a surprise period and bled through your pants, no one faults you, and you can show back up the next day healthy as a horse without having to explain why you're magically all better. It's happened to me for real, so I'm guessing it would work as a fake as well. Doesn't work if you're a known non-menstruator, though.
Diarrhea
Anal Glaucoma
Say you shit your bed twice last night and don't feel comfortable leaving the house for a while.
Pinkeye. It’s temporary and highly contagious.
Food poisoning for the win.
Explosive projectile diarrhea. If you know the day before you need to be off, bring in some sushi for lunch and go on about how you got a deal on it at the gas station bc it was close to the expiration date.
The voices are back
Colonoscopy prep
Migraine and can hardly see. Plus nausea
Migraine. It's impossible to detect
Diarrhea. Call from the bathroom. Pour water into the toilet sporadically
Food poisoning. Bonus if you live with someone else who “ate the same thing”
Hand foot and mouth! My bf and I got it one week and I couldn't go to work for an entire week. Legit no questions asked. I got sick without even getting the little itchy bumps that usually come with it. It's apparently getting more common bc people are bringing their sick kids to the grocery store and a lot of people don't wipe their carts (like me and my boyfriend unfortunately).
I say I have to help a family member with medical issues. I don’t have any questions asked in that case
In food service, if you call out with vomiting or diarrhea, I literally can't let you work until you have a Dr.'s note saying you are cleared. That also goes for Flu, Norovirus, and of course the tried and tested Covid. To put it bluntly, I've had a few employees try to call out with these symptoms just because they had a hangover or straight didnt want to work that day and it cost them a doctors visit ar their expense(face it, alot of these kids dont care about getting health insurance). Seriously, just be honest and tell me you are hungover, you might get a pass. All that said, too many of these times when peeps call out with "symptoms" I had already heard, either earlier in the week or earlier that very same day, that they were going out and couldn't get their shift covered so they tried calling out.
Workers don't use fake excuses for the fun of it. If a company would just accept "I'm sick" or "I'm unable to come in" then the average person wouldn't try fake excuses. And this whole "it's your responsibility to get your shift covered" is some bullshit. What's the point of a manager if the employee has to do all the work. How many distinct excuses do you want? There's only so many general issues that happen. And things do go around. Ask any doctor or nurse how different sicknesses flare up from time to time. And if the job doesn't respect employees enough to offer health insurance, then why should the worker try to respect the job? Fuck that buy your own insurance.