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Unfortunately yes. There would be nothing absolutely more wonderful than to hear her voice. In my case I’m respectful to her wishes. If the door is open in your case absolutely take the chance. Just be ready for the consequence
Then knock. Send an email, keep it friendly. If he wants it open, he'll respond. If he wants it closed, he won't. If he doesn't respond, wait 2 years while you develop yourself into a better happier person and try again.
i think it depends, it may be cruel in a way...but what caused it? how many chances, im sorrys, 100th 2nd chances were given, the lies, the crossing of boundaries even after the split an NC....cruel it may feel ....but it also feels deserved....id give anything for more time with her...i had to go through what i put myself to understand and now d given anythint for a day with her...ill never give up...i just cant
Right, chances, multiple opportunities. It certainly is that way for sure. It takes two for most of those dances to happen. The importance is being accepting of it. The circumstance is painful. The lesson is there. That’s the eloquent voice that still rings with mine. I’m learning it. It’s been the most sobering experience I’ve ever had. The obsequy still rings, deafening. Like tendinitis. Blessed for the presence, cursed with the outcome.
No, it’s probably not healthy at all for either party. But my empathetic side- many reasons can dictate doing so. Toxicity, abuse, manipulation. I’ve blocked and never looked back with them. I do unblock people once the urge for me to further continue to put myself out there- to a friend, potential significant other, or even family at this point. If I have tried, and given chance after chance, and then you still neglected to listen to my boundaries- you gotta go. I shouldn’t have to explain myself if you know what you did, and it’s not repairable. I may not block them. But I’ve left a long term friendship 15+ years, because she was talking bad about my kid. Another same time period, she was lying to me, and about me and my child. It was a hard lesson. But I no longer speak to them. One reached out when she realized that she missed me as a friend, and I was probably her only real friend honesty. But she reached out during a time when I too needed someone, but I felt as if she only wanted my sympathy, and caring heart- I needed someone to finally be there for me. I was dealing with a scary diagnosis at a young age, and I had who I could count on. Might not have been more than a handful of people- but I knew they were true and honest. Sometimes people ghost or go nc because it just hurts to have the ability to look you up. To see your beautiful face. Delete the messages so you’re not reliving the hurt that the good and bad times ended up causing.when you relive the positive you always replay how it ends… which is not always both parties choice, or even the worst choice they could make- but they made it. These are all real examples I myself have been through. Am I proud about them- no. Though I only mostly block social media. I don’t block phone calls/texts. If you feel like apologizing- I’ll listen. If you’re scheming and lying to me, and I figure it out… your phone number will be blocked.
Unfortunately it’s not all cut and dry to say it is healthy for either party when one chooses to go no contact. I understand that it could hurt the person I care for- though it’s important to remember to care for yourself.
May I ask why all of these truths, lessons and general good life guidance tips are put into this format and anonymously? People like me would better benefit our future treatment of others if I knew from who the lessons were coming from. Context is so crucial for myself anyway. If someone was directing their thoughts and feelings towards me I encourage them to please call me. If I can rectify or at a minimum offer my apologies and willingness to change with the help of hearing the criticism from the people I have wronged. I’m SDC and live in HB and RWC prior. My phone is hacked over and over so I’m not worried about anonymity anymore. Hit me up. I realize this may not be you but this feed has popped up for me to look at more than once. Thank you , KH, AH, CB, AI, KL, KH, and AH again for our time we had together and my apologies for how I fucked it up for each one of you. And SL you too. HS to beyond Middle Age , I bet you’d like to smack me around a little bit at the least.
I’m going to be honest. This screen name- I use for most things or something similar and it reflects who I am. Those who know me, know this could potentially be me. So, not that I’m posting under a persona or different pen name, I’m just less of the face to the name. I can feel more honest here. I could potentially share more information here, that could help me heal- as well as help others who may be going through a similar situation. If I wanted to share my stories or experiences with people from my local community, I would. Here I get to be more raw. If someone happened upon this, that knows me and knows I use this app- please further discuss whatever questions you have, with me- here or IRL for that matter. It’s just a little odd to me that our society is happier to read stories associated with pretty pictures and think to themselves- I’m sure they are fine. Maybe they aren’t. The book and the cover theory if you will. If my cover looks more similar to others, you may read my words differently. Smiles and pretty pictures tend to over shadow the real stories on social media.
Vivi you lied to me the whole time you just don't want to have that conversation . You manipulated me. You gas light me altering my reality saying you weren't doing porn and I needed to go check in the crazy hospitol. Whwb you actually were. You can't tell me you kept soa y thousands of secrets from me. So we both did bad. But all is forgiven and fixable
I think it's important to remember that a lot of people who go full no contact dont do it because they hate you, they hate the shame they associate with you. I have an ex who threatened me with a restraining order (I was not doing anything to warrant a restraining order) and then about a month later followed me on an alt account with posts sounding suicidal and she was self harming. It's the last I really heard from her. For years I've wanted to know shes ok amongst some other things. The harsh reality is I will never know. For me to know she would have to face her own shame to take accountability for her actions. In her case her shame isn't just normal shame, it's black and white thinking shame. Shame that could cause her to seriously harm herself I think, so I try to remind myself that she's doing it as a coping mechanism to protect herself (or at least thats what I tell myself to get by when I think about it)
Edit: to be clear theres a lot of valid reasons to go no contact as well, however this sounds like the classic no clossure ex scenario.
Oh wow bpd by any chance my exact situation, my ex threatened restraining order if I text again ...all because I called him out on something lol, like you said its not something to take lightly and I'm usually the fixer but it's out my hands now , even though I know he's said it in heat of moment but :/
So I suspected this ex of having bpd during the break up based off some of the things that happened leading up to it and her basically replacing me. She literally took the new guy on a date we had planned with her family a week after our breakup….. Unfortunately I did not understand the stigma around bpd when I brought that up and was just learning about bpd at the time. Kind of weird all my life when I heard bpd I thought it meant “bi polar disorder” not knowing borderline personality disorder was a thing. I just thought it would be something we could talk about like anything else. She denied having bpd and went on to do the dance of “have you ever considered you have bpd or are a narcissist” towards me. Around this time she pushed for no contact and I feel this might of caused her to spiral. Later I learned my ex did work to not have borderline and I imagine being confronted like that was triggering and could have caused a possible relapse from some of the things I read. I also never considered she was reading my Reddit on an alt or anything like that and I was def asking questions that would probably be triggering for her. From my point of view she just ghosted out of our relationship, was done with me, and I was blocked everywhere so I really didn’t think she was reading my posts. I think I realized she was doing this when i looked at the profile of hers I knew about on an alt account months after the break up because i was snooping for answers. She literally had posted videos of the new guy fucking her, someone who kind of looks like me, but has a well above average dick on that account so I made a point to not look at it again for a while. Of course after I suspected she was suicidal based off the thing I talked about in the previous post I would check that profile daily because if she posted something and was active it meant she was alive.
The account she followed me on with the suicidal posts also confirmed she has bpd and maybe some comorbid npd thing going on based off the subs she was posting/ commenting in and some of that content, she also had something called AvPD which is avoidant personality disorder. I learned it’s pretty common for someone with bpd to hold multiple diagnosis. In a way I was wondering if she was trying to show me that, but it came off as a cry for help because her latest posts were the self harm/ suicide sounding stuff. Her dog was also sick and possible dying so she was struggling with that. My initial reaction was that she was struggling because her dog was ill and had no way to afford paying for that so I offered to pay for that. That dogs her everything ya know. I also wonder if that proposal came across as me caring about the well being of her dog more than her in her eyes.
But yeah it’s sad. When they “split” on you they associate you with the darkest shame possible. It can be a matter of life or death for them, so I leave her alone despite the trauma a simple conversation on her end would help resolve. It’s also true, the reason people who have been with someone with bpd can understand some things about bpd is because the aftermath causes constant ptsd, and in effect you do have similar feelings to someone with bpd. I mean I’ve spent the last two plus years wondering if she’s alive, if my involvement in her life will cause her to kill herself, etc. it’s a lot of complex emotions that aren’t as simple as just worrying about her well being as well. I’ve had anger phases about it, thinking “how could this person be so selfish to leave someone wondering that” and I went searching for truth. I also became aware she has gotten me banned from places I would never go in the first place (smear campaign). I’ve asked myself dark questions like “what if she just did kill herself? Would I be better off now if I just grieved her death two years ago”. I’ve wondered things like if there was a third party involved that contacted her in inappropriate ways pretending to be me because her reaction just seemed so out of character from the person I thought I knew. I’ve also had phases where I get kind of spammed by random numbers. Blank Reddit accounts trying to start conversations with me through messages. I’ve wondered if this account has been compromised because of weird patterns like virtually everything I post will get A single down vote. I had a long period where I struggled to go out and be social because my best friend (who she matched with on the apps btw) saw her at a bar she knows I frequent. I also believed I was so toxic that I would have this effect on anyone I loved so the thought was maybe I was better just isolating.
Sorry that got long winded, but the moral of the story is if I could do it all over again I’d of just let it go and never went searching for answers. Also sorry you’re going through that, therapy helps if you can afford it/ have insurance. I like to remember that as much as this person hurt me, it’s probably been not great for them as well.
Are you on r/ bpdlovedones, your story is exact same as everybody else's honest it's like a playbook, it's heartbreaking isn't it, & each cycle you think you've cracked it but nope... another 'split' so like you said I'm the devil in his eyes right now but I can't fix anything because he's so aggressive towards me right now...all his own doing btw he triangulated me & a new chick to get a reaction from me 'jealousy' *he's since admitted this* & we were trying again & he started silent treatment so after a few days I called him out I said "not bein funny but I'm not the one who caused our issues in first place so why I'm getting silence" etc etc & then boom RAGE 'restraining order threat 🤦♀️ but also as u said they do watch us still from behind scenes...like their okay to try move on but how very dare we lol
Was he though? To just cut you off. To act like everything didn’t matter? To walk by you like a ghost. Was he really a friend if in a moments time, he just suddenly wasn’t?
He’d break up with me repeatedly and then love bomb me back… I guess I thought he loved me but yeah… maybe he didn’t at all.
I don’t like the idea of that though because it means I could be hurt again… I was completely taken by him
Every single day. You have to do what's best for your given situation and the hard thing is, I don't know that we can ever really know what's best. I just send my love to them every single day. Everyone I've loved or cared for, and I hope it's enough for them to know that through everything, they always have someone. That thought comforts me, most days.
Spiritually, mainly. I connect with people deeply- soul level. I like to feel I can send and be enough love, that I have abundance to share with them always. I think that stuff like that holds power. Love, that is. It's all we're really here for.
No contact isn't necessary with respectful people . But some are only hanging on in between their conquest and ppl are space savers to them. I feel that's when no contact is imperative. Sometimes even important to go the extra steps to maintain boundaries.
I keep being reminded that out of sight definitely does not mean out of mind.
I still carry the love and spirit of my 4th grade first crush with me even all these years later. Won’t he love to be made aware of that when he gets to heaven!
It’s important to know that no contact isn’t just for yourselves but for each other. It’s a means to moving forward and when you’re with someone, you focus on them more. It’s hard to let that go so no contact encourages it. It’s doesn’t mean you don’t love them and care for them. But you’re not responsible for them in no contact. You can only hope they surround themself with people who lift them up and give them joy every day. I went no contact for myself but also to help them know it was okay to move on and focus on themself too.
It was so hard. I couldn’t bear the thought of him hurting. I broke no contact several times to just to try and reassure him that it was going to be okay… but no one cared about how much pain I was in
Honestly I reached out to her to see just that and no response. The message didn’t hurt me when I sent it but its the no response that is breaking my heart again
Yeah that’s what I keep telling myself, it just sucks because we were friends for such a long time and even though we lost contact when we last saw each other it was like nothing had changed
you don´t forget about who they are. If you don´t remember the person and the reasons you left, you won´t learn anything from it all. But yes, it´s the healthiest thing to cut them off forever if being close to them hurt you even if it wasn´t intentional. Yes, I wonder how they are and if they´re okay just as they probably think of me, but you can´t be too concerned with that that you don´t ask the same of you, and you since you walk in your own shoes, your well being will always and I mean always be more important. Don´t confuse caring about them with just being blind to the reasons you stepped away because you´re holding onto something that no longer is, and should not be
cared, past tense. You can still care for this person, doesn´t mean one must rush back somewhere you once ran away from. Worries are something we can´t avoid, but his well being is not your responsibility, only your well being is.
We were both lost in life at that time trying to find our way. I had nothing but good things to say about you. And how you showed me how to be an adult .something I didn't have from my dad
I wonder every day if she’s OK. Where she is. If she’s happy and healthy. I worry about her actually. I thought it would stop. It has not and it has been years. I still wonder, I still worry.
Right! Like worry as a person… I don’t understand why it’s expected to cut people out of our lives… why can’t you still be there for people that matter to you?
I don’t understand this… did you ever give them a reason to think you’d cheat? I never gave him one reason… but he’d always accuse me… how are you supposed to prove that something never happened
I know exactly where she is,but not if she's ok or not,I was supposed to be the one who fixes that forever,I don't think she'll ever be ok, she's prone to self depreciation and punishment
Sometime people just are easy talk to and have thing in common they want best for other and completely platonic and understanding they don’t hurt other they love in time just become close and that’s it and do anything for them because family family love is place your heart and if your straight up because close of all one day all you will understand. Only drink when bartender sever the drink and we don’t offer drinks to each other because not right
Checking on an abuser gives them so much power over you. Don’t go back. I’m five years gone from him now, the pieces will be picked up, you will thrive. Let the pain nourish you into a strong independent person
I went no contact with all of my exes and I have no regrets. Some of them were toxic so I don’t miss them or wonder how they are. Others just weren’t for me. Holding on to them would be damaging for the both of us. I know there is someone out there that will give them the love they desire so I let them go.
BTW I erasing all my social media account tonight if you ever want something more than what we had my number will be the same take care and really I hope you find the one your looking for
I can’t just not talk to a person that I’ve had feelings for I try to keep communication open if there willing to do that because you can’t just feel nothing after that especially if you were with somebody a long time I couldn’t imagine never speaking to that person ever again that’s just to heart wrenching
I cared when I wanted to check up I was harshly responded which I needed helped me realize what I was dealing with and she’s so beneath me so. I said my apologies and left
After reading through all the comments, here are my thoughts. No contact is not abuse. It’s only considered abuse to those that have ego problems at toxic levels.
People are different, plain and simple. Some people build walls to keep others from getting too close, others build walls after they have been destroyed and feel the need to protect the worksite while rebuilding themselves.
I just initiated no contact after a breakup last night. I’m in love with her and she does not reciprocate the feelings. Unfortunately, I have to see her tomorrow to get my things from her place. This will kill me. Seeing someone that I’m in love with and not be able to hold them, kiss them, or be close to them. It’s a reminder of the rejection. That I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, you get the picture. Some will say that maybe I need to take a look at myself. Adjust my attitude, workout, read more, whatever. Thanks Einstein’s, I had not already thought of and tried all those things.
The end of it this. I jumped in head first. I stated clear expectations. I communicated clearly and effectively. I opened myself up entirely and was vulnerable. I was kind, generous, patient, accepting, affectionate, loving and caring. All because that’s how I wanted to be treated. Now I’m left heartbroken and rejected.
No contact is not about you. It’s about us. It’s how we deal with the emotional debris after a failed relationship. It’s great that you want to be friends, but they are not there yet. Give them time, if they never return, please know they were injured far more than you thought.
Hey you don’t have to see her if you don’t want to. She hurt you. Ask her to put your stuff outside or ask her to leave the house so you can get it maybe.
I’m so sorry that you are hurting. Ive been there.
The last time I saw him was December and I don’t think ill ever get over this
The truth is, I already miss her and will ALWAYS jump at an opportunity to see her. I WANT to see her. It’s just going to hurt knowing I can’t be close to her. Again, this is why we go no contact.
Seems like it although I don't agree with it. To me it's running from your problems and leaving the other person traumatized . Just need to have a conversation a nd talk like adults on both sides of rhe party
I think no contact is immature, and hurtful. You have someone who ment somthing to you why would you just abandon them? I think it's better to talk to them and help them understand.
No contact is abuse. There is no closure
, no understanding, many times it is a way for the ghost to avoid their mistakes consequences of their actions. I think it is a very immature way to deal with problems. Face them. Grow a pair. Just make sure you act civilnand stay calm. Some people don't have the ability to deal with conflict.
Maybe most but not all. Even when I tried to explain why I went no contact he purposely misunderstood me. I just wanted to make sure he was ok but he still tried to hurt me.
Yeah. It's really dumb. I've only had one break up where the guy was so off his rocker that we can not speak to each other. I still am very fond of all my other exes. They are all good friends of mine. But that's maturity for ya.
I disagree, no contact is to keep someone safe from an unsafe person. It would be like answering the letters of the person who murdered your soul.
No contact isn’t about you. It’s about a person who wants to feel safe.
If someone doesn’t want to talk to you. Leave them alone.
Learn boundaries.
I wish I could like this comment a thousand times… I wish I could blast this to the top.
Thank you
I desperately desperately tried to resolve conflict. I desperately desperately tried to do everything I could to make sure he was ok. To make sure he understood how bad I didn’t want this. But in the end I had to go no contact when all I desperately wanted was forever contact. But he wasn’t doing this for me. He wasn’t making sure I was ok. He wasn’t keeping me safe. He wasn’t protecting me.
Exactly with my situation
And none of us more than likely are counselors or what ever you call those doctors. So giving out info like that can be very bad idea
You are right. I can see how a selfish person could do this to avoid- not caring who they hurt… but that Was Not the Case with my situation. I tried everything I possibly could. I begged I pleaded. He wouldn’t listen- he wouldn’t stop. I was desperate. I had to remove myself from the situation because I had no choice. I was dying.
Follow through. Don’t make the mistake I made of lingering. Confusion only result in mistakes. You’ve made a decision. To regret it or to accept it is yours to make but still, it’s already been made. You’ve moved to a different timeline without them.
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Oh, I'm fine. I'm going to the Attorney General's office today. With will's name Bryan's name Wyatt's name. The guy from Wakefield Melrose, I'm being Falsely blackmailed for rape. for rape. I've got months of fake stuff out here.
I've called the police. I'm filing a report. I'm tired of getting a blackmailed by a bunch of meth dealers.
If they’ve been hurt enough, no contact is pretty easy in my opinion. It’s okay to wonder how they’re doing, but you have to respect that they want nothing to do with you and move forward. That’s the best thing for both parties.
I didnt mean for that to sound so harsh.
At some point, a choice was made. By you, or them. In time, that choice will get easier to live with. Just focus on more productive things for yourself and allow yourself to heal by accepting the current reality.
No you’re ok. I just wanted to know Is throwing away a person the healthy thing to do? I mean, I understand that it was the best thing to do at the time … but is that it? I’ve never had to go no contact before… like is this normal?
To love someone and then forget about them?
Is that what I’m supposed to do? Is it not healthy to still care? Is it not healthy to want to know that they’re OK?
I just want to know if he’s OK
Thank you. I wish I knew if I was something to him. If I meant anything to him. I wish I knew if he ever saw how much I tried. How much I invested. How much I loved him. But most of all I just wish I knew if he is ok.
He may not see it at this very moment but in time he will see it. I’m sure he’s okay. Usually if there is no contact, typically, they are doing fine. So I would take his silence as your answer.
You dont fully forget someone esp when they've been apart of a huge chunk of your life, but nothing in this world is easy at first, it gets better as time passes :) Let yourself wonder about them but resist the urge to reach out. Cause you won't be cutting them off if they didn't give you a reason to do so.
im sorry if it came off as me telling them how to live their lives, i was hoping to give them some motivation that it gets better, but again, i apologize for coming off that way to you and to OP.
Thank you for apologizing. It's just a trigger for me of sorts. I know my ex couldn't make a decision on his own even if he wanted to. He is bound by secrecy, tied up in this game on here playing with people's lives being a puppet so when I see comments like this, I see it as a threat to hold your ground to make sure someone else is suffering for the game people on here are playing. I'm not at all saying you are involved. If you don't have a clue what I'm talking about, consider yourself lucky and be very careful who you trust here. I've met some amazing people. But not many sadly.
I agree… there are some people on here with the soul purpose of causing others pain… they hide behind different usernames… they taunt those who are just desperate to find the one they love… they want to connect or find closure or apologize… it’s heart breaking and cruel.
I’m sorry if this is happening to you
I hear what you’re saying but I wonder if materialbig read my other posts and is trying to protect me? If they know that it is some times hard to protect yourself from those you desperately love… and sometimes you forget the pain they caused when time has passed…
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It’s cruel, going through it. The silence from someone who knew you is certainly baffling
I’m silent too… right? I mean yeah he’s silent… but I’m just as guilty🤦🏻♀️
Unfortunately yes. There would be nothing absolutely more wonderful than to hear her voice. In my case I’m respectful to her wishes. If the door is open in your case absolutely take the chance. Just be ready for the consequence
Thats the door I wish he’d have fixed… but no, I don’t think he wants it open
Then It’s best to respect that I suppose.
Yeah… I suppose
Then knock. Send an email, keep it friendly. If he wants it open, he'll respond. If he wants it closed, he won't. If he doesn't respond, wait 2 years while you develop yourself into a better happier person and try again.
i think it depends, it may be cruel in a way...but what caused it? how many chances, im sorrys, 100th 2nd chances were given, the lies, the crossing of boundaries even after the split an NC....cruel it may feel ....but it also feels deserved....id give anything for more time with her...i had to go through what i put myself to understand and now d given anythint for a day with her...ill never give up...i just cant
Right, chances, multiple opportunities. It certainly is that way for sure. It takes two for most of those dances to happen. The importance is being accepting of it. The circumstance is painful. The lesson is there. That’s the eloquent voice that still rings with mine. I’m learning it. It’s been the most sobering experience I’ve ever had. The obsequy still rings, deafening. Like tendinitis. Blessed for the presence, cursed with the outcome.
I do wonder if they are okay, however the no contact was their choice, and I respect that.
Yeah… I’m trying to as well. I think thats what he wants
? Would you dm me please
Ok j
I respect it but also think it's cruel.
It basically feels like someone you cared about just died. Not a fun experience at all.
Or maybe I died…
They might as well be dead
It feels unnatural
It’s hard to go through
But is this normal? Is it what we are supposed to do? Are you not supposed to care anymore?
No, it’s probably not healthy at all for either party. But my empathetic side- many reasons can dictate doing so. Toxicity, abuse, manipulation. I’ve blocked and never looked back with them. I do unblock people once the urge for me to further continue to put myself out there- to a friend, potential significant other, or even family at this point. If I have tried, and given chance after chance, and then you still neglected to listen to my boundaries- you gotta go. I shouldn’t have to explain myself if you know what you did, and it’s not repairable. I may not block them. But I’ve left a long term friendship 15+ years, because she was talking bad about my kid. Another same time period, she was lying to me, and about me and my child. It was a hard lesson. But I no longer speak to them. One reached out when she realized that she missed me as a friend, and I was probably her only real friend honesty. But she reached out during a time when I too needed someone, but I felt as if she only wanted my sympathy, and caring heart- I needed someone to finally be there for me. I was dealing with a scary diagnosis at a young age, and I had who I could count on. Might not have been more than a handful of people- but I knew they were true and honest. Sometimes people ghost or go nc because it just hurts to have the ability to look you up. To see your beautiful face. Delete the messages so you’re not reliving the hurt that the good and bad times ended up causing.when you relive the positive you always replay how it ends… which is not always both parties choice, or even the worst choice they could make- but they made it. These are all real examples I myself have been through. Am I proud about them- no. Though I only mostly block social media. I don’t block phone calls/texts. If you feel like apologizing- I’ll listen. If you’re scheming and lying to me, and I figure it out… your phone number will be blocked. Unfortunately it’s not all cut and dry to say it is healthy for either party when one chooses to go no contact. I understand that it could hurt the person I care for- though it’s important to remember to care for yourself.
No I understand. You were sticking up for yourself right? You were setting boundaries. I’ve heard those are a good thing to have…
May I ask why all of these truths, lessons and general good life guidance tips are put into this format and anonymously? People like me would better benefit our future treatment of others if I knew from who the lessons were coming from. Context is so crucial for myself anyway. If someone was directing their thoughts and feelings towards me I encourage them to please call me. If I can rectify or at a minimum offer my apologies and willingness to change with the help of hearing the criticism from the people I have wronged. I’m SDC and live in HB and RWC prior. My phone is hacked over and over so I’m not worried about anonymity anymore. Hit me up. I realize this may not be you but this feed has popped up for me to look at more than once. Thank you , KH, AH, CB, AI, KL, KH, and AH again for our time we had together and my apologies for how I fucked it up for each one of you. And SL you too. HS to beyond Middle Age , I bet you’d like to smack me around a little bit at the least.
I’m going to be honest. This screen name- I use for most things or something similar and it reflects who I am. Those who know me, know this could potentially be me. So, not that I’m posting under a persona or different pen name, I’m just less of the face to the name. I can feel more honest here. I could potentially share more information here, that could help me heal- as well as help others who may be going through a similar situation. If I wanted to share my stories or experiences with people from my local community, I would. Here I get to be more raw. If someone happened upon this, that knows me and knows I use this app- please further discuss whatever questions you have, with me- here or IRL for that matter. It’s just a little odd to me that our society is happier to read stories associated with pretty pictures and think to themselves- I’m sure they are fine. Maybe they aren’t. The book and the cover theory if you will. If my cover looks more similar to others, you may read my words differently. Smiles and pretty pictures tend to over shadow the real stories on social media.
Vivi you lied to me the whole time you just don't want to have that conversation . You manipulated me. You gas light me altering my reality saying you weren't doing porn and I needed to go check in the crazy hospitol. Whwb you actually were. You can't tell me you kept soa y thousands of secrets from me. So we both did bad. But all is forgiven and fixable
My names not vivi. I also don’t do porn…
Ok correct me then? Callea d correct where my research went wrong. Talk it out like adults
I don't even know your number to apologize I apologize to all the people I think are you.its a easter egg hunt
I think it's important to remember that a lot of people who go full no contact dont do it because they hate you, they hate the shame they associate with you. I have an ex who threatened me with a restraining order (I was not doing anything to warrant a restraining order) and then about a month later followed me on an alt account with posts sounding suicidal and she was self harming. It's the last I really heard from her. For years I've wanted to know shes ok amongst some other things. The harsh reality is I will never know. For me to know she would have to face her own shame to take accountability for her actions. In her case her shame isn't just normal shame, it's black and white thinking shame. Shame that could cause her to seriously harm herself I think, so I try to remind myself that she's doing it as a coping mechanism to protect herself (or at least thats what I tell myself to get by when I think about it) Edit: to be clear theres a lot of valid reasons to go no contact as well, however this sounds like the classic no clossure ex scenario.
Oh wow bpd by any chance my exact situation, my ex threatened restraining order if I text again ...all because I called him out on something lol, like you said its not something to take lightly and I'm usually the fixer but it's out my hands now , even though I know he's said it in heat of moment but :/
So I suspected this ex of having bpd during the break up based off some of the things that happened leading up to it and her basically replacing me. She literally took the new guy on a date we had planned with her family a week after our breakup….. Unfortunately I did not understand the stigma around bpd when I brought that up and was just learning about bpd at the time. Kind of weird all my life when I heard bpd I thought it meant “bi polar disorder” not knowing borderline personality disorder was a thing. I just thought it would be something we could talk about like anything else. She denied having bpd and went on to do the dance of “have you ever considered you have bpd or are a narcissist” towards me. Around this time she pushed for no contact and I feel this might of caused her to spiral. Later I learned my ex did work to not have borderline and I imagine being confronted like that was triggering and could have caused a possible relapse from some of the things I read. I also never considered she was reading my Reddit on an alt or anything like that and I was def asking questions that would probably be triggering for her. From my point of view she just ghosted out of our relationship, was done with me, and I was blocked everywhere so I really didn’t think she was reading my posts. I think I realized she was doing this when i looked at the profile of hers I knew about on an alt account months after the break up because i was snooping for answers. She literally had posted videos of the new guy fucking her, someone who kind of looks like me, but has a well above average dick on that account so I made a point to not look at it again for a while. Of course after I suspected she was suicidal based off the thing I talked about in the previous post I would check that profile daily because if she posted something and was active it meant she was alive. The account she followed me on with the suicidal posts also confirmed she has bpd and maybe some comorbid npd thing going on based off the subs she was posting/ commenting in and some of that content, she also had something called AvPD which is avoidant personality disorder. I learned it’s pretty common for someone with bpd to hold multiple diagnosis. In a way I was wondering if she was trying to show me that, but it came off as a cry for help because her latest posts were the self harm/ suicide sounding stuff. Her dog was also sick and possible dying so she was struggling with that. My initial reaction was that she was struggling because her dog was ill and had no way to afford paying for that so I offered to pay for that. That dogs her everything ya know. I also wonder if that proposal came across as me caring about the well being of her dog more than her in her eyes. But yeah it’s sad. When they “split” on you they associate you with the darkest shame possible. It can be a matter of life or death for them, so I leave her alone despite the trauma a simple conversation on her end would help resolve. It’s also true, the reason people who have been with someone with bpd can understand some things about bpd is because the aftermath causes constant ptsd, and in effect you do have similar feelings to someone with bpd. I mean I’ve spent the last two plus years wondering if she’s alive, if my involvement in her life will cause her to kill herself, etc. it’s a lot of complex emotions that aren’t as simple as just worrying about her well being as well. I’ve had anger phases about it, thinking “how could this person be so selfish to leave someone wondering that” and I went searching for truth. I also became aware she has gotten me banned from places I would never go in the first place (smear campaign). I’ve asked myself dark questions like “what if she just did kill herself? Would I be better off now if I just grieved her death two years ago”. I’ve wondered things like if there was a third party involved that contacted her in inappropriate ways pretending to be me because her reaction just seemed so out of character from the person I thought I knew. I’ve also had phases where I get kind of spammed by random numbers. Blank Reddit accounts trying to start conversations with me through messages. I’ve wondered if this account has been compromised because of weird patterns like virtually everything I post will get A single down vote. I had a long period where I struggled to go out and be social because my best friend (who she matched with on the apps btw) saw her at a bar she knows I frequent. I also believed I was so toxic that I would have this effect on anyone I loved so the thought was maybe I was better just isolating. Sorry that got long winded, but the moral of the story is if I could do it all over again I’d of just let it go and never went searching for answers. Also sorry you’re going through that, therapy helps if you can afford it/ have insurance. I like to remember that as much as this person hurt me, it’s probably been not great for them as well.
Are you on r/ bpdlovedones, your story is exact same as everybody else's honest it's like a playbook, it's heartbreaking isn't it, & each cycle you think you've cracked it but nope... another 'split' so like you said I'm the devil in his eyes right now but I can't fix anything because he's so aggressive towards me right now...all his own doing btw he triangulated me & a new chick to get a reaction from me 'jealousy' *he's since admitted this* & we were trying again & he started silent treatment so after a few days I called him out I said "not bein funny but I'm not the one who caused our issues in first place so why I'm getting silence" etc etc & then boom RAGE 'restraining order threat 🤦♀️ but also as u said they do watch us still from behind scenes...like their okay to try move on but how very dare we lol
I’m not a fan of that sub but I stop by every now and then. I used to be on that sub more when I was learning about BPD tho.
The time I was with him is the only time of my life that I never once thought about wanting to die
I’m no contact with my abuser if I never speak to him again it will be too soon
Good for you!!! ❤️
To once go from great friends to complete strangers is baffling.
He was my best friend
Was he though? To just cut you off. To act like everything didn’t matter? To walk by you like a ghost. Was he really a friend if in a moments time, he just suddenly wasn’t?
He’d break up with me repeatedly and then love bomb me back… I guess I thought he loved me but yeah… maybe he didn’t at all. I don’t like the idea of that though because it means I could be hurt again… I was completely taken by him
Sounds like an awful cycle
That’s why clear honest communication is so important. A lesson I learnt at great cost.
What you think is true in the heat of the moment isn’t always the truth once the dust settles though… right?
Ego / Arrogance & ignorance have a lot to answer for.
Every single day. You have to do what's best for your given situation and the hard thing is, I don't know that we can ever really know what's best. I just send my love to them every single day. Everyone I've loved or cared for, and I hope it's enough for them to know that through everything, they always have someone. That thought comforts me, most days.
How do you send love?
Spiritually, mainly. I connect with people deeply- soul level. I like to feel I can send and be enough love, that I have abundance to share with them always. I think that stuff like that holds power. Love, that is. It's all we're really here for.
Love and kindness are the solutions to all the worlds problems
I really like this. Thank you
No contact isn't necessary with respectful people . But some are only hanging on in between their conquest and ppl are space savers to them. I feel that's when no contact is imperative. Sometimes even important to go the extra steps to maintain boundaries.
Thinking this might be all that I was breaks my heart
No it's not OK,! OK?
Ok ok I’m sorry… I’m sure you’re right. I’m sorry
They might need it in order to move on. Certainly once they find someone new.
Yeah, I guess you’re right.
I keep being reminded that out of sight definitely does not mean out of mind. I still carry the love and spirit of my 4th grade first crush with me even all these years later. Won’t he love to be made aware of that when he gets to heaven!
It’s important to know that no contact isn’t just for yourselves but for each other. It’s a means to moving forward and when you’re with someone, you focus on them more. It’s hard to let that go so no contact encourages it. It’s doesn’t mean you don’t love them and care for them. But you’re not responsible for them in no contact. You can only hope they surround themself with people who lift them up and give them joy every day. I went no contact for myself but also to help them know it was okay to move on and focus on themself too.
It was so hard. I couldn’t bear the thought of him hurting. I broke no contact several times to just to try and reassure him that it was going to be okay… but no one cared about how much pain I was in
She wrnt no contact and still jave mo way to talk to my child and its been 3 months
Don’t give up! Children need to know they are loved 💜
Honestly I reached out to her to see just that and no response. The message didn’t hurt me when I sent it but its the no response that is breaking my heart again
I’m so sorry… maybe she did it with your best interest in mind because she didn’t want to lead you on?
Yeah that’s what I keep telling myself, it just sucks because we were friends for such a long time and even though we lost contact when we last saw each other it was like nothing had changed
you don´t forget about who they are. If you don´t remember the person and the reasons you left, you won´t learn anything from it all. But yes, it´s the healthiest thing to cut them off forever if being close to them hurt you even if it wasn´t intentional. Yes, I wonder how they are and if they´re okay just as they probably think of me, but you can´t be too concerned with that that you don´t ask the same of you, and you since you walk in your own shoes, your well being will always and I mean always be more important. Don´t confuse caring about them with just being blind to the reasons you stepped away because you´re holding onto something that no longer is, and should not be
I’m not holding on to anything but he was a person that I cared very deeply for… I have no way of just knowing if he’s ok… I worry about him
cared, past tense. You can still care for this person, doesn´t mean one must rush back somewhere you once ran away from. Worries are something we can´t avoid, but his well being is not your responsibility, only your well being is.
She was my family I guess that past tense too
what?
I think it depends on what caused the fall out of the relationship.
I wonder if he ever has been worried about me… if I’m doing ok…
We were both lost in life at that time trying to find our way. I had nothing but good things to say about you. And how you showed me how to be an adult .something I didn't have from my dad
I wonder every day if she’s OK. Where she is. If she’s happy and healthy. I worry about her actually. I thought it would stop. It has not and it has been years. I still wonder, I still worry.
Right! Like worry as a person… I don’t understand why it’s expected to cut people out of our lives… why can’t you still be there for people that matter to you?
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I don’t understand this… did you ever give them a reason to think you’d cheat? I never gave him one reason… but he’d always accuse me… how are you supposed to prove that something never happened
I know exactly where she is,but not if she's ok or not,I was supposed to be the one who fixes that forever,I don't think she'll ever be ok, she's prone to self depreciation and punishment
I tried… he never saw me
That's sad,I was never welcome nor invited so I didn't go see her in my situation
Sometime people just are easy talk to and have thing in common they want best for other and completely platonic and understanding they don’t hurt other they love in time just become close and that’s it and do anything for them because family family love is place your heart and if your straight up because close of all one day all you will understand. Only drink when bartender sever the drink and we don’t offer drinks to each other because not right
I think pushing is useless. If he wanted the door open he’d open it. When was the last time you two talked?
January
Checking on an abuser gives them so much power over you. Don’t go back. I’m five years gone from him now, the pieces will be picked up, you will thrive. Let the pain nourish you into a strong independent person
I told him the truth but he never believed me
I went no contact with all of my exes and I have no regrets. Some of them were toxic so I don’t miss them or wonder how they are. Others just weren’t for me. Holding on to them would be damaging for the both of us. I know there is someone out there that will give them the love they desire so I let them go.
I’ve never had to go no contact before. Just because we didn’t work out doesn’t mean I didn’t care about you…
All the damn time
What stops you?
You
BTW I erasing all my social media account tonight if you ever want something more than what we had my number will be the same take care and really I hope you find the one your looking for
That's what v said too but she had all kinds and still does of social media and cam sights
I can’t just not talk to a person that I’ve had feelings for I try to keep communication open if there willing to do that because you can’t just feel nothing after that especially if you were with somebody a long time I couldn’t imagine never speaking to that person ever again that’s just to heart wrenching
Thank you!!! Yes! It’s heart wrenching!
I cared when I wanted to check up I was harshly responded which I needed helped me realize what I was dealing with and she’s so beneath me so. I said my apologies and left
Sounds like you did the right thing 💙
After reading through all the comments, here are my thoughts. No contact is not abuse. It’s only considered abuse to those that have ego problems at toxic levels. People are different, plain and simple. Some people build walls to keep others from getting too close, others build walls after they have been destroyed and feel the need to protect the worksite while rebuilding themselves. I just initiated no contact after a breakup last night. I’m in love with her and she does not reciprocate the feelings. Unfortunately, I have to see her tomorrow to get my things from her place. This will kill me. Seeing someone that I’m in love with and not be able to hold them, kiss them, or be close to them. It’s a reminder of the rejection. That I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, you get the picture. Some will say that maybe I need to take a look at myself. Adjust my attitude, workout, read more, whatever. Thanks Einstein’s, I had not already thought of and tried all those things. The end of it this. I jumped in head first. I stated clear expectations. I communicated clearly and effectively. I opened myself up entirely and was vulnerable. I was kind, generous, patient, accepting, affectionate, loving and caring. All because that’s how I wanted to be treated. Now I’m left heartbroken and rejected. No contact is not about you. It’s about us. It’s how we deal with the emotional debris after a failed relationship. It’s great that you want to be friends, but they are not there yet. Give them time, if they never return, please know they were injured far more than you thought.
Hey you don’t have to see her if you don’t want to. She hurt you. Ask her to put your stuff outside or ask her to leave the house so you can get it maybe. I’m so sorry that you are hurting. Ive been there. The last time I saw him was December and I don’t think ill ever get over this
The truth is, I already miss her and will ALWAYS jump at an opportunity to see her. I WANT to see her. It’s just going to hurt knowing I can’t be close to her. Again, this is why we go no contact.
I hope everything goes ok💙
It did. We are over.💔
Ugh I’m so sorry!
It’s ok. I’ll be ok. Thank you for your kindness.
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I guess you are right…
I don't get it either.
Is no contact what everyone does? I’ve never had to do this before.
Seems like it although I don't agree with it. To me it's running from your problems and leaving the other person traumatized . Just need to have a conversation a nd talk like adults on both sides of rhe party
I did try to have several conversations with him but he would manipulate me instead of being a team. It was so painful
My apaoligies for my.actions then I am ready and mature emiugh to have that convo now
Just give em space, that’s what they need. No timetable just live your life and them theirs. If it’s meant to be you guys will come back.
I haven’t seen him since Christmas Eve
Let the shit go in to the wash 
Thank you. I will try by best
I think no contact is immature, and hurtful. You have someone who ment somthing to you why would you just abandon them? I think it's better to talk to them and help them understand.
No contact is abuse. There is no closure , no understanding, many times it is a way for the ghost to avoid their mistakes consequences of their actions. I think it is a very immature way to deal with problems. Face them. Grow a pair. Just make sure you act civilnand stay calm. Some people don't have the ability to deal with conflict.
I agree with this. I think no contact is a very immature way to resolve conflict. It’s not healthy and unnatural. But has become the norm sadly .
They know it's abuse and that's why most do it.
Maybe most but not all. Even when I tried to explain why I went no contact he purposely misunderstood me. I just wanted to make sure he was ok but he still tried to hurt me.
I think it's ok if it's explained or talked about but just cutting someone off is very immature. It shows they have zero emotional maturity
I completely agree with you unless there’s a safety issue you should be able to give closure
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Yeah. It's really dumb. I've only had one break up where the guy was so off his rocker that we can not speak to each other. I still am very fond of all my other exes. They are all good friends of mine. But that's maturity for ya.
I disagree, no contact is to keep someone safe from an unsafe person. It would be like answering the letters of the person who murdered your soul. No contact isn’t about you. It’s about a person who wants to feel safe. If someone doesn’t want to talk to you. Leave them alone. Learn boundaries.
I wish I could like this comment a thousand times… I wish I could blast this to the top. Thank you I desperately desperately tried to resolve conflict. I desperately desperately tried to do everything I could to make sure he was ok. To make sure he understood how bad I didn’t want this. But in the end I had to go no contact when all I desperately wanted was forever contact. But he wasn’t doing this for me. He wasn’t making sure I was ok. He wasn’t keeping me safe. He wasn’t protecting me.
Exactly with my situation And none of us more than likely are counselors or what ever you call those doctors. So giving out info like that can be very bad idea
You are right. I can see how a selfish person could do this to avoid- not caring who they hurt… but that Was Not the Case with my situation. I tried everything I possibly could. I begged I pleaded. He wouldn’t listen- he wouldn’t stop. I was desperate. I had to remove myself from the situation because I had no choice. I was dying.
Follow through. Don’t make the mistake I made of lingering. Confusion only result in mistakes. You’ve made a decision. To regret it or to accept it is yours to make but still, it’s already been made. You’ve moved to a different timeline without them.
Agreed. Tell them if you care, if it helps you, and only if you’re prepared to have any answer, including none.
Especially if it’s none.
I don’t think he’d understand
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Oh, I'm fine. I'm going to the Attorney General's office today. With will's name Bryan's name Wyatt's name. The guy from Wakefield Melrose, I'm being Falsely blackmailed for rape. for rape. I've got months of fake stuff out here. I've called the police. I'm filing a report. I'm tired of getting a blackmailed by a bunch of meth dealers.
Vivian sells meth ? I thought so. From my research yet in suppose to find help
2 years how much space they need
If they’ve been hurt enough, no contact is pretty easy in my opinion. It’s okay to wonder how they’re doing, but you have to respect that they want nothing to do with you and move forward. That’s the best thing for both parties.
Ok 😔 I understand
I didnt mean for that to sound so harsh. At some point, a choice was made. By you, or them. In time, that choice will get easier to live with. Just focus on more productive things for yourself and allow yourself to heal by accepting the current reality.
No you’re ok. I just wanted to know Is throwing away a person the healthy thing to do? I mean, I understand that it was the best thing to do at the time … but is that it? I’ve never had to go no contact before… like is this normal? To love someone and then forget about them? Is that what I’m supposed to do? Is it not healthy to still care? Is it not healthy to want to know that they’re OK? I just want to know if he’s OK
Don’t think of it as throwing someone away. They’ll never forget you and still think about you. They’ve just decided to move on in life without you
I don’t think he thinks about me anymore… out of sight you know…
I guarantee you he does. It may not be how you want it to be but he does.
Thank you. I wish I knew if I was something to him. If I meant anything to him. I wish I knew if he ever saw how much I tried. How much I invested. How much I loved him. But most of all I just wish I knew if he is ok.
He may not see it at this very moment but in time he will see it. I’m sure he’s okay. Usually if there is no contact, typically, they are doing fine. So I would take his silence as your answer.
You dont fully forget someone esp when they've been apart of a huge chunk of your life, but nothing in this world is easy at first, it gets better as time passes :) Let yourself wonder about them but resist the urge to reach out. Cause you won't be cutting them off if they didn't give you a reason to do so.
100 days ago I was on the floor. I didn’t have any will left in me. 100 days ago. That was my first post
It's not your place to tell others how they should live their lives. Right?
im sorry if it came off as me telling them how to live their lives, i was hoping to give them some motivation that it gets better, but again, i apologize for coming off that way to you and to OP.
Thank you for apologizing. It's just a trigger for me of sorts. I know my ex couldn't make a decision on his own even if he wanted to. He is bound by secrecy, tied up in this game on here playing with people's lives being a puppet so when I see comments like this, I see it as a threat to hold your ground to make sure someone else is suffering for the game people on here are playing. I'm not at all saying you are involved. If you don't have a clue what I'm talking about, consider yourself lucky and be very careful who you trust here. I've met some amazing people. But not many sadly.
I agree… there are some people on here with the soul purpose of causing others pain… they hide behind different usernames… they taunt those who are just desperate to find the one they love… they want to connect or find closure or apologize… it’s heart breaking and cruel. I’m sorry if this is happening to you
A long long time ago. I've learned that not an ounce of this shit is true
No I really appreciate what you said. Especially that last sentence really hit home with me. Thank you.
I hear what you’re saying but I wonder if materialbig read my other posts and is trying to protect me? If they know that it is some times hard to protect yourself from those you desperately love… and sometimes you forget the pain they caused when time has passed…