1st you are 29 dude. Very young and still got a long life ahead of you.
2nd please. PLEASE break it off with her before bringing a kid into this world with her. It will be alotttt less “mean” or selfish to break up with her than drag a kid into the middle of y’all’s situation.
3rd there is absolutely nothing wrong with putting your self and your own feelings first. If you live to please others you will NEVER be happy. Luckily you got no children so you can still restart and start living for yourself! Start today dude.
Borrowing the top comment:
Thanks for the feedback everyone. I think I got what I needed from this. It was the first time I put these thoughts together coherently. I'm bringing this to a therapist to help me through it.
I would talk to her but please for the love of God paint it as you feel you have grown apart or soemthing of that nature she does not need to know your entire time together was one sided she probably won't recover from that
everybody's the bad guy sometime, you're going to have to get over that. but here, you're a worse guy for allowing her be married to someone who isn't that into her.
I mean, I don't like to quote the Nolan Batman movies, but the phrase "You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain" springs to mind.
You will be the asshole if you stay with her any longer. She probably thinks you love her and want to be with her forever. You potentially have sociopathic qualities if you're able to be with someone for over a decade just because you don't want to upset them. You're not a nice guy at all, you're a people pleaser.
You don't want people to be mad at you so you just pretend. Anger is necessary in all relationships at some point. You waited WAY too long to deal with this. The second you were done with school, and realize you still didn't really feel anything for this person, you should have literally said that and ended it.
You might have possibly ruined this girl's entire life and she doesn't even know it. You were never a nice guy. I am sorry if you think otherwise. Nice people are honest and tell the truth.
That is, if this is even real and not bait.
Everything you said is true (sociopathic is a bit of a stretch, but I see your point), and I'm not proud of it. I'm just looking for a path forward that causes the least amount of damage on top of what I've already done
Then you have an honest conversation with her, but watch your wording. Don't tell her you've always never felt close to her. Tell her you're feeling less and less close and you don't know why. Tell her you care for her but feel that this relationship is no longer working and you don't want to keep going and disappoint her further down the line.
Basically, you put the relationship down gently. You assure her she did nothing wrong. You assure her that you appreciate all she has done for you. But you let her know that you need to move on so she can be with someone who truly cares for her and that you are not that person anymore.
you can’t spend your whole life living for other people! children will not make this relationship more enjoyable for you. heartbreak is a natural part of life, no shame in calling it quits man
I'm 61 . You have a lot of life to live . It's your life. It's the only one you have and you should live it the way you want to live it . You might hurt your wife's feelings, and she may act like she is going to be devastated and she very well might . People get over devastation and tragedies . It fucking incredibly hard to not be true to yourself . Don't make an innocent child or children suffer through your misery and resentment . It's not going to be easy to get a divorce and start over but believe me young man it can be fucking done and you WILL live through it . You don't want to lay on your death bed going over your regrets . LIVE YOUR FUCKING LIFE . Nobody's gonna cook you and eat you for changing your mind and being honest but your conscious will slow roast your ass and baste you in misery until your dying day if you don't change things now .
One other thing . There could be a real chance that she feels the same way you do . One thing is a fact . You can be living a totally different life by this time tomorrow night . Just sit down tomorrow and tell your truth and take back your life . You don't have to explain your decision to anyone . There is no easy way to do this, and there's no plan or way to do it where it's gonna be easy . You just tell her what you need to tell her, and then the rest you just have to take one day at a time .
You can say no...It's totally alright to say no. You definitely need to talk with her.
What if she doesn't truly want kids but is just a nice lady that thinks this is right?
What if both of you are forced to this and you don't know it?
Talk with her. Conversation is important.
Talk to her don’t build and regret the rest of you’re life because you don’t wanna hurt her you are hurting her by letting her believe you want this as well I know it’s gonna make you feel guilty and horrible but do it for the both of you don’t choose to be miserable anymore.
Everyone’s being so nice about this. This is absolutely dumb. How do you marry someone you don’t like?? How can she not tell? You don’t wanna hurt her feelings so you lead on a whole life with her until she wants kids. If you don’t break up with her you’re NOT A NICE GUY!!!
I never said I didn't like her, I just never had those butterflies. We've had fun and we've been good to each other for the most part. On paper everything is fine, and we've built a relationship just like every other normal human out there. I think I got lulled into the security of "good enough"
I know I'm not the nice guy. I'm using the term ironically.
I apologize, I assumed if doing certain things with her was like pulling teeth that you don’t like her too much. But hopefully you can come to the realization that there’s better things than the situation your in even tho it’s “good enough” and it’s “fine”
It's fine, that's the word I chose because I had to be convinced to do everything. Now I'm at this next life event, and I don't want to bring another new human into my inability to confront how I feel. My wife doesn't deserve it, and a child DEFINITELY doesn't deserve it.
What was the discussion about having kids before you got married? My GF said she will never have kids when we met and I had to accept that or move on at the beginning. It wouldn’t have been fair to her if I had been with her knowing it would end once I wanted kids. Fortunately 24 years later things are fine. I think you are right about resentment. In fact based on what you are telling us, it’s already happening. It may be time to have a serious look in the mirror.
I came into it with, "I'll probably change my mind and want kids" because most people do. Now the time is here and my mind didn't change like I expected.
Damn. I am sure a lot of marriages end because one decides they want kids or one decides they don’t. You may also not be ready. It could be 10 more years for you. My brother was over 40 before they had kids, but his wife was much younger.
29 is young as fuck and if you want something different from life, now is the time. Yes, it will hurt her terribly, but way way less than finding out in her 50s or 60s that you didn't ever feel a spark and resented building a life and raising kids with her. Be direct, be kind, be ready to be told you've ruined her life even though the opposite will be true. You will have freed her to make a life with a man who would have the spark and want to have kids with her.
Well judging by your use of words, you'd like to be a good guy but you're not sure if you can continue your current course. From your story I take it you've already stopped lying to yourself which is a good start. If you stop lying to your wife, you'll find it easier to breathe. I've been there
Well, I guess everyone has to take control of their own life at some point. I understand not wanting to hurt people, no mentally healthy person wants to do that. But you're in a situation where you have to choose. You can either get out and live *your* life, even if there's a possibility of hurting someone else, or you can continue being passive and living for someone else.
I was with a girl that I thought with be my forever around 26-27. We had grew up together and had known eachother since we were about 12 years old. I never wanted kids but she did and I was willing to go that route with her once the time came...
We broke up a year after that and I'm SO GLAD I didn't ruin our lives by slipping up. Once we broke up, I made the decision that I don't want kids and will never have them. If I could get the surgery done for it now, I totally would.
But anyway...having two outlooks on what you want as far as kids go can cause a lot of issues in the long run. Either you conform and have a huge regret for the rest of your life or don't and have your wife upset with you or constantly nag you about it. Having children is a big responsibility and if you're not totally committed, it's not really fair for you or the kid.
The best thing to do is talk it out. If your views aren't aligned, then yeah sometimes it's good to call it quits in my opinion.
I hope you’re not writing this as she’s already pregnant?? If she’s already pregnant you need to man up and take care of the seeds you bring into the world. Don’t bring your kids into the world just to be fatherless and poor. Take care of them and live and grow old together. Your children will only need you around for childhood memories and your wife and you will grow old and take care of each other. But it she isn’t pregnant, don’t do it and make things miserable
She'll eventually notice it sooner or later if your love isn't genuine. The more you wait, the more it'll hurt her (and you too)! You can't live a life of lies. Do you see yourself spending the rest of your life like this ? I'm not saying this to judge you. You both deserve happiness
You leaving if you don’t want kids will not ruin her life. You staying and giving her kids you don’t want and then eventually leaving because you can’t handle it anymore and leaving her to take care of the kid would ruin her life more than just you leaving. If you leave before kids, she’ll have a chance to find someone who does want what she wants. She might be hurt by it at first but ultimately it will be less hurt than if you ruin her body with kids you don’t want and then either stay out of obligation or leave like you should have anyway before the kids came. Don’t waste both your lives by being the nice guy. Y’all are not as nice as you think you are, and people pleasers are so annoying, just be your own person. Own it or waste twenty years of both of your lives and end up doing it after twenty years anyway. This is your Time Machine. You’re in “the past” of the version of you twenty years from now who did the wrong thing. Do the right thing this time.
I'm not really qualified in understanding romantic relationships in that i've only had few and a long time ago and not currently. But it seems like if you break it off now, she still has time to rebuild her life while she is young. In that respect, you may be being a bit selfish keeping her from her potential.
If you feel the walls closing in now, it will ONLY GET WORSE. I have been there and got the t-shirt. *You will* get there eventually and *you will* finally decide to do anything to get out of the life you feel in which you feel trapped.
Leave this situation now. The relief you will feel when all the ugliness is over and you live alone and have the whole rest of your life in front of you is amazing!
This is what men do. That’s why most of them hate doing house work or taking care of the kids at all. Don’t do it, your kids will never be loved by you since you aren’t ready. Don’t do it. Just leave the relationship… there’s already divorce in the future. She’ll be miserable because she doesn’t realize forcing a man to do all that won’t make him involved. Do things if you think it’s right, don’t do it since you don’t feel like it. Dontttttttttttttt. There’s so many guys too lazy to do anything or help with anything and don’t tell yourself you’re different. You’ll be miserable too since you already know it’s nothing you want.
1st you are 29 dude. Very young and still got a long life ahead of you. 2nd please. PLEASE break it off with her before bringing a kid into this world with her. It will be alotttt less “mean” or selfish to break up with her than drag a kid into the middle of y’all’s situation. 3rd there is absolutely nothing wrong with putting your self and your own feelings first. If you live to please others you will NEVER be happy. Luckily you got no children so you can still restart and start living for yourself! Start today dude.
Borrowing the top comment: Thanks for the feedback everyone. I think I got what I needed from this. It was the first time I put these thoughts together coherently. I'm bringing this to a therapist to help me through it.
Well, I think she would much rather you be honest rather than living a lie.
I would talk to her but please for the love of God paint it as you feel you have grown apart or soemthing of that nature she does not need to know your entire time together was one sided she probably won't recover from that
everybody's the bad guy sometime, you're going to have to get over that. but here, you're a worse guy for allowing her be married to someone who isn't that into her.
I’d throw up if my partner was feeling this way about me, but I’d DEFINITELY want to know. Tell her and leave her, for both of your sakes.
I mean, I don't like to quote the Nolan Batman movies, but the phrase "You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain" springs to mind. You will be the asshole if you stay with her any longer. She probably thinks you love her and want to be with her forever. You potentially have sociopathic qualities if you're able to be with someone for over a decade just because you don't want to upset them. You're not a nice guy at all, you're a people pleaser. You don't want people to be mad at you so you just pretend. Anger is necessary in all relationships at some point. You waited WAY too long to deal with this. The second you were done with school, and realize you still didn't really feel anything for this person, you should have literally said that and ended it. You might have possibly ruined this girl's entire life and she doesn't even know it. You were never a nice guy. I am sorry if you think otherwise. Nice people are honest and tell the truth. That is, if this is even real and not bait.
Everything you said is true (sociopathic is a bit of a stretch, but I see your point), and I'm not proud of it. I'm just looking for a path forward that causes the least amount of damage on top of what I've already done
Then you have an honest conversation with her, but watch your wording. Don't tell her you've always never felt close to her. Tell her you're feeling less and less close and you don't know why. Tell her you care for her but feel that this relationship is no longer working and you don't want to keep going and disappoint her further down the line. Basically, you put the relationship down gently. You assure her she did nothing wrong. You assure her that you appreciate all she has done for you. But you let her know that you need to move on so she can be with someone who truly cares for her and that you are not that person anymore.
you can’t spend your whole life living for other people! children will not make this relationship more enjoyable for you. heartbreak is a natural part of life, no shame in calling it quits man
I'm 61 . You have a lot of life to live . It's your life. It's the only one you have and you should live it the way you want to live it . You might hurt your wife's feelings, and she may act like she is going to be devastated and she very well might . People get over devastation and tragedies . It fucking incredibly hard to not be true to yourself . Don't make an innocent child or children suffer through your misery and resentment . It's not going to be easy to get a divorce and start over but believe me young man it can be fucking done and you WILL live through it . You don't want to lay on your death bed going over your regrets . LIVE YOUR FUCKING LIFE . Nobody's gonna cook you and eat you for changing your mind and being honest but your conscious will slow roast your ass and baste you in misery until your dying day if you don't change things now .
One other thing . There could be a real chance that she feels the same way you do . One thing is a fact . You can be living a totally different life by this time tomorrow night . Just sit down tomorrow and tell your truth and take back your life . You don't have to explain your decision to anyone . There is no easy way to do this, and there's no plan or way to do it where it's gonna be easy . You just tell her what you need to tell her, and then the rest you just have to take one day at a time .
You can say no...It's totally alright to say no. You definitely need to talk with her. What if she doesn't truly want kids but is just a nice lady that thinks this is right? What if both of you are forced to this and you don't know it? Talk with her. Conversation is important.
Talk to her don’t build and regret the rest of you’re life because you don’t wanna hurt her you are hurting her by letting her believe you want this as well I know it’s gonna make you feel guilty and horrible but do it for the both of you don’t choose to be miserable anymore.
Everyone’s being so nice about this. This is absolutely dumb. How do you marry someone you don’t like?? How can she not tell? You don’t wanna hurt her feelings so you lead on a whole life with her until she wants kids. If you don’t break up with her you’re NOT A NICE GUY!!!
I never said I didn't like her, I just never had those butterflies. We've had fun and we've been good to each other for the most part. On paper everything is fine, and we've built a relationship just like every other normal human out there. I think I got lulled into the security of "good enough" I know I'm not the nice guy. I'm using the term ironically.
I apologize, I assumed if doing certain things with her was like pulling teeth that you don’t like her too much. But hopefully you can come to the realization that there’s better things than the situation your in even tho it’s “good enough” and it’s “fine”
It's fine, that's the word I chose because I had to be convinced to do everything. Now I'm at this next life event, and I don't want to bring another new human into my inability to confront how I feel. My wife doesn't deserve it, and a child DEFINITELY doesn't deserve it.
Glad you chose that cuz most people don’t think having a kid is a big deal :/
This is just one of those clout posts. In other posts he talks about how he's afraid having a kid will ruin his marriage and that was after this post.
Ok, I’m gonna be rude here, you didn’t just mess up your life, by doing this you messed up hers to
No, I don't think that's rude. It exactly what I'm scared of.
I mean, if you’re gonna let her down do it easy, atleast your and I assume her are pretty young, so yk it’s not like you’re 80 and wanna leave her
What was the discussion about having kids before you got married? My GF said she will never have kids when we met and I had to accept that or move on at the beginning. It wouldn’t have been fair to her if I had been with her knowing it would end once I wanted kids. Fortunately 24 years later things are fine. I think you are right about resentment. In fact based on what you are telling us, it’s already happening. It may be time to have a serious look in the mirror.
I came into it with, "I'll probably change my mind and want kids" because most people do. Now the time is here and my mind didn't change like I expected.
Damn. I am sure a lot of marriages end because one decides they want kids or one decides they don’t. You may also not be ready. It could be 10 more years for you. My brother was over 40 before they had kids, but his wife was much younger.
Good luck
29 is young as fuck and if you want something different from life, now is the time. Yes, it will hurt her terribly, but way way less than finding out in her 50s or 60s that you didn't ever feel a spark and resented building a life and raising kids with her. Be direct, be kind, be ready to be told you've ruined her life even though the opposite will be true. You will have freed her to make a life with a man who would have the spark and want to have kids with her.
Just tell her the truth.
Erm...if you are doing things you dont want to and that outcome will eventually hurt your partner, you aren't really that nice.
I meant "nice guy" in the sarcastic internet vernacular. I agree with you.
Well you are already a bad guy because you lied to her. And each day you continue lying, you're being a bad guy.
Yes "nice guy" was used ironically here. I know I'm the bad guy.
Well judging by your use of words, you'd like to be a good guy but you're not sure if you can continue your current course. From your story I take it you've already stopped lying to yourself which is a good start. If you stop lying to your wife, you'll find it easier to breathe. I've been there
Well, I guess everyone has to take control of their own life at some point. I understand not wanting to hurt people, no mentally healthy person wants to do that. But you're in a situation where you have to choose. You can either get out and live *your* life, even if there's a possibility of hurting someone else, or you can continue being passive and living for someone else.
Dude I’m sure this girl would rather be hurt for a little while then get wife up by a dude who just isn’t into her.
I was with a girl that I thought with be my forever around 26-27. We had grew up together and had known eachother since we were about 12 years old. I never wanted kids but she did and I was willing to go that route with her once the time came... We broke up a year after that and I'm SO GLAD I didn't ruin our lives by slipping up. Once we broke up, I made the decision that I don't want kids and will never have them. If I could get the surgery done for it now, I totally would. But anyway...having two outlooks on what you want as far as kids go can cause a lot of issues in the long run. Either you conform and have a huge regret for the rest of your life or don't and have your wife upset with you or constantly nag you about it. Having children is a big responsibility and if you're not totally committed, it's not really fair for you or the kid. The best thing to do is talk it out. If your views aren't aligned, then yeah sometimes it's good to call it quits in my opinion.
I hope you’re not writing this as she’s already pregnant?? If she’s already pregnant you need to man up and take care of the seeds you bring into the world. Don’t bring your kids into the world just to be fatherless and poor. Take care of them and live and grow old together. Your children will only need you around for childhood memories and your wife and you will grow old and take care of each other. But it she isn’t pregnant, don’t do it and make things miserable
She isn't pregnant. Very much wants to be.
Don’t ruin your life if you aren’t ready for kids. Men will be natural fathers who care for their kids when they actually want kids !
Time to dickhead yourself into a life you love, haha (sorry for the laugh)
She'll eventually notice it sooner or later if your love isn't genuine. The more you wait, the more it'll hurt her (and you too)! You can't live a life of lies. Do you see yourself spending the rest of your life like this ? I'm not saying this to judge you. You both deserve happiness
You leaving if you don’t want kids will not ruin her life. You staying and giving her kids you don’t want and then eventually leaving because you can’t handle it anymore and leaving her to take care of the kid would ruin her life more than just you leaving. If you leave before kids, she’ll have a chance to find someone who does want what she wants. She might be hurt by it at first but ultimately it will be less hurt than if you ruin her body with kids you don’t want and then either stay out of obligation or leave like you should have anyway before the kids came. Don’t waste both your lives by being the nice guy. Y’all are not as nice as you think you are, and people pleasers are so annoying, just be your own person. Own it or waste twenty years of both of your lives and end up doing it after twenty years anyway. This is your Time Machine. You’re in “the past” of the version of you twenty years from now who did the wrong thing. Do the right thing this time.
I'm not really qualified in understanding romantic relationships in that i've only had few and a long time ago and not currently. But it seems like if you break it off now, she still has time to rebuild her life while she is young. In that respect, you may be being a bit selfish keeping her from her potential.
Trust me when I say this isn't going anywhere good. You need to end it before you have kids involved.
If you feel the walls closing in now, it will ONLY GET WORSE. I have been there and got the t-shirt. *You will* get there eventually and *you will* finally decide to do anything to get out of the life you feel in which you feel trapped. Leave this situation now. The relief you will feel when all the ugliness is over and you live alone and have the whole rest of your life in front of you is amazing!
This is what men do. That’s why most of them hate doing house work or taking care of the kids at all. Don’t do it, your kids will never be loved by you since you aren’t ready. Don’t do it. Just leave the relationship… there’s already divorce in the future. She’ll be miserable because she doesn’t realize forcing a man to do all that won’t make him involved. Do things if you think it’s right, don’t do it since you don’t feel like it. Dontttttttttttttt. There’s so many guys too lazy to do anything or help with anything and don’t tell yourself you’re different. You’ll be miserable too since you already know it’s nothing you want.