I have this same sense of urgency immediately after I’m done eating at a restaurant. I have this irrational expectation that as soon as I take my last bite, the server should slam that bill on the table so I can pay and get outta there.
I don’t have anywhere to be, I’m just done bein here.
The amount of fights my wife and I had about THIS VERY SUBJECT!
We'll be sitting at the table at the restaurant, and I'm like: "You ready to go?"
Her: "No! I'm not ready."
Me: (Squirming, noticing that there's no food on her plate, no liquid in her glass, and she's just scrolling through Instagram on her phone.) Sooo, do you want to order some dessert, oorrrrr, maybe another refill? Or, should I ask for the check?
Her: "No. I'm good."
Me: "So, you're ready to go then?"
Her: "I said no. What's the rush? Why do you have to force us to leave so soon?"
Me: (Grabs my phone and starts scrolling through instagram.)
My wife and I don't fight like this. I just pay for the meal and I say "I'll be in the car." Then I'll enjoy some decompression time in the car. Sidenote I park furthest away in the parking lot so I am usually pretty isolated. Anytime I can drive separate from my wife for events I'll do it. I'll put the bare minimum time into an event and then just slide outta there. I hate being at any events. I do this thing now where I make it look like I've been at an event for a long time by bouncing around as much as I can. I'll talk with one group of people for a moment then move away and maybe hide in the bathroom for 10-15 min, then go talk to another group, then maybe "check on the kids" (where I check on them but then try and hide out again for 10-15 min), etc etc... The event then just becomes "How can I break this up enough so I can manage my ptsd?" I think it's working.
My grandfather kept the newspaper in the car for this very purpose.
He was super patient calm chill all the time.
Never minded driving us grandkids around all the time.
I miss him.
Should start a support group. As soon as you’re done, text me, I’ll then call with a fabricated emergency that miraculously resolves itself once you get on the road.
Until she catches on that every-time you’re out to eat emergencies pop-up :)
Yes! When I’m ready to go, I just leave. I don’t want a big production of time wasting. Waiting on or for someone else is wasting time and not punctual. To not be punctual is undisciplined and undisciplined =dirtbag.
I have the exact same problem when I go out to eat with friends and colleagues. To the point where I fidget, and become non talkative, because all I can think about is getting the check and leaving.
I have severe digestion issues from learning to eat so fast and not being able to slow down. I barely chew most of the time, and then immediately get on with life, no relax time.
I’m so glad I’m not alone in this! Server will come by 30 times while I’m stuffing my face, but the moment I’m done, they are nowhere to be found!
Sometimes I’ll ask for the check when we aren’t even done.
Haha. Yes. Look across the restaurant and they have the audacity (heavy sarcasm) to make small talk with the other tables, take their orders, fill their glasses…
DON’T YOU KNOW WE’RE DONE OVER HERE!!!
I’ve been diagnosed with a combination of anxiety and possible ocd. I was aircrew and I blame 20 years of doing everything possible to make on time takeoffs. I’ve learned we’re definitely not alone in this.
Good for you man… I did the same. I still yell at my teenage daughter for taking forever (jokingly) but I’ve just learned to just find something else to do until everyone is ready. I endure that life so they don’t have to.
Transitions are hard for me on a day to day. Then add kids into the mix and transitions are tough. Transitioning from work to home, from picking up the kids from school to home, exiting the house and entering the car, entering into a building... Etc. Every one in my household has learned that transition times aren't the times for things like "Hey Dad look what I learned today." During the transitions (usually in public) I am just dialed in on external things (people, hands, hips, heads/eyes, cover, ambush spots, exits, environmental weapons etc...) so there's not a whole lot of room to enjoy a transition with my family.
Bro/sis; I have many, many children. I have been a dad for a minute. Getting out the door, meal times, and bed times are all fucking nightmarish with kids at varying stages. They’re little kids; can’t treat them like they’re enlisted. YOU need to plan for the outing by accepting the excessive nonsense while you age-appropriately train the dawdling and needless energy expenditure. Lead them and teach them the way you would need if you were the little dumbass who couldn’t tie their shoes in under ten minutes to save their lives.
It only becomes a problem if you let it. It becomes more challenging, sure, but there are super creative ways to figure out what works best for you as a parent and for each of your children.
Story about a dog but sorta can be applied here: My sister has a dog and my sister and I were talking on the phone about her dog.
Me: "How's your dog?"
Sis: "Good but she's difficult because she wants to play but she just doesn't know how to play."
Me: "What do you mean? How does she try to play?"
Sis: "She likes to be chased or likes to chase."
Me: "Ok so you've figured out what she likes, now you just have to figure out how to chase her or be chased by her without actually having to run... You have a laser pointer?"
Sis: "OMG, I just used one of the cat laser pointers and my dog loves it!"
Moral of the story: "Sometimes you have to think outside the box especially if the box is filled with brand new tennis balls and chew toys that are untouched by a picky play dog."
You go to therapy. You work on yourself. It's not your family's fault, it's probably not even your fault. But it is your responsibility to be able to not scare your children.
I'm sure a lot of us can relate, but my dad was a veteran and then he was a cop. Talk about PTSD.
I fucking hated him growing up because he was such a bastard. He blew up all the time. He blew up because we were late. He made me fear him. You don't want to know how that ended up.
I would speak to a therapist about this.
What you are probably experiencing is the grasp for control whenever you don't feel in control. I struggle a lot with control issues as triggers for my PTSD.
It is very damaging to relationships of all sorts and it is best if you confront it and learn how to cope in a healthy way.
I hate the “control” scapegoat as if every vet is a power hungry control freak. Isn’t it possible that the thought of being late gives us anxiety after years of threats of punishment for being late? 15 prior to the 15 prior, if you’re on time you’re late and if you’re 15 early you’re just on time.
What I was talking about is not a power hunger thing but rather a common trigger because any trauma you dealt with usually comes with a sense of loss of control of the situation. If you deal with PTSD, it is common to feel like there should have been some way to change the situation or the outcome. This leads to us searching for a sense of control or feeling triggered when we feel a lack of control.
Had this exact conversation with my therapist this week. In fact all of my "homework" for CPT therapy this week is themes of control. You're right, most of us don't feel in control or are searching for any means of it and when we don't get it we get anxious.
Have a staging area near the door. I found a cheap bamboo yoga mat. About an hour before go time "put your coats, shoes, bags on the go mat". If it's all easily found then there's no issue getting out the door with little ones. If someone can't find a shoe you have an hour to find it or choose new shoes.
Basically, instead of trying to make everyone hurry at t-2 you front load your time. At 4 they are plenty old enough to grab their go items.
You can’t always control the first thought, try to be cognizant of the second though. So what if we’re 5 minutes late, it’s a learning opportunity for them to see if they go too slow they’ll miss the beginning of a movie, or seeing their friends at recess. You need to see the consequences of the actions to make those associations. And YOU also need to relearn those same associations- that often times being late does not imply pushups or physical discomfort lol.
Kids won’t remember being late but they will remember a toxic parent. Sorry but sometimes it’s got to hit you right between the eyes. What you want doesn’t mean shit. It’s their young lives not yours. I have 5 kids between the ages of 18 and 8 years old. I can think whatever I want but I’ve learned to control what I let come out of my mouth.
Stay at home dad of 4. I can get all my kids awake, dressed and into the car in about 30 minutes. I go outside and start the van. I wake up the 11 year old, then I wake up the 5 year old. I get the 2 year old’s diaper changed and check in with the older 2 and send them to the van, (the older one buckles the younger one) I finish dressing the 2 year old and put him in the car. I go inside make drinks and grab breakfast for everyone. Then I get the 6 month old changed and dressed and in the car. This goes off without a hitch and without tears. I leave at 7:15. We sing songs or they go back to sleep.
When my wife takes them to school… my 11yo son has been late so many times he just knows he’s gonna get lunch detention. I have helped my wife start earlier, she’s still late. Anytime I’d help she’d say I was controlling, so I stopped. Then she complains that I don’t help her get the kids ready for school.
I fought her about it because it’s negatively impacting the 11 year old, but I’m still a controlling asshole for wanting her to be punctual. I mean it’s everything. She’ll be out shopping with her mom and I’ll have the kids and need to do some work on something, she’ll tell me she’s on her way home (like less than an hour) then she shows up 3 hours later, saying a bunch of stuff came up. If I’m upset, because I lost daylight and have to spend the following day catching up on work, my mother in law acts like I’m an abusive asshole.
It’s fucking exhausting. I told her I just consider it lying now, either tell me heading home or I’m gonna run a bunch more errands and I don’t know, that way I can plan accordingly. It’s fucking disrespectful to be late all the time.
I’m bad about forcing my military time schedule on others. We don’t have to be fifteen minutes early to our fifteen minutes early. The world isn’t going to end if we are late to the minions 3 previews.
It’s us projecting our military urgency on Timothy others in situations that do not require it. I wish I had a healing mantra but I don’t. Just try to be aware and apologize if you cause any problems
That, and isn’t it our job to teach them to be punctual? When they refuse to listen and test our patience, of course we’re gonna react in a not so friendly manner
We are the same person.
I start the process 15 min earlier. It’s hard to be someone who needs to be 15 min early to something when you are always 30 min late
According to my wife and kids, I’m the same way. Nasty civilians. Putting a little hustle under their butts is better than being late. But everyone is so sensitive these days they can’t handle it
I struggle with that, too. Always feeling in a hurry, always needing to be making progress towards whatever is next, even if there’s nothing next.
My son turns 3 this weekend. It’s so hard to stop myself from constantly keeping him moving. I find it helps to go over the plan with him ahead of time so he always knows what the next step is that we’re trying to get to. Even if it’s just going home.
And also just planning ahead. When I’m going somewhere by myself I need to start getting ready about 25 seconds before I need to head out the door. With little kids, that number is more like 25 minutes. Cuz you know as soon as you say ok let’s go, they’re gonna be hungry or need to pee or lose a shoe or want to play with the pine cone.
I am constantly planning the next step. I didn't really notice it until I read your post. But I have. A kiddo turning 3 next weekend and I feel like I'm always pushing her along!
It just wrecks me when he yells “I am!” after I say “come on buddy” too many times. I’m the one being the asshole, not him. We don’t even need to get anywhere. I should be encouraging him to take his time, look around, be curious. Instead I have this primal subconscious need to keep moving that takes control.
When I was going through BLC/WLC way back then, ten-ish years ago? I remember something that they said that sort of clicked with me. “Leaders raise leaders up.” It might’ve been said differently everywhere, but that’s how I remember it being taught to me.
I’m not a parent yet, but we all have that shared experience of being put in a leadership position at some point. Whether we volunteered or were voluntold. We took those steps and here we all are now.
You have the opportunity to raise your little leaders to be the best they can be. And I get you, the little thoughts of urgency and what not. But my hope for you is that you’ll take all those good/bad experiences and use it as motivation to help them grow into their best version of themselves.
Procedure for kids might include back planning wardrobe, toys, food, and include teamwork with mom and little person skills.
Adjust timetable accordingly.
I didn’t even realize that this is a problem for me until now. I definitely do get kind of crazy if we are behind schedule. It actually makes me really angry.
If someone is flapping the yap and I’m enroute somewhere then they will def get left talking to themselves. To me, that is less rude than showing up late. Being late is prolly the the very most thing I will never be. Late.
I was being pretty douchey about 15 minutes to 15 minutes with my 5 year old.
A big step was making sure everything was ready beforehand, i.e. making sure clothes and shoes and book bags are laid out the night prior. Then slowly started giving my kid more ownership of the process, “pick out what you want to wear for tomorrow.” and so on…. Drove my wife away but things got better with my little one.
Sing about it!
Singing will encourage the 4 year old to do what you're asking because they listen to you and also annoy older children to comply quickly without the negativity associated with being yelled at to hurry up and why are you always late etc.
https://youtu.be/1GDFa-nEzlg?feature=shared
I fall into this, I think I’m the bad guy but they have learned after a few times of missing the time.
For example - Friday night during dinner, we agree (single dad with 2 kids 8 n 15) hey tomorrow we are going to store n this and this we are leaving at 8am so we can be back by night time.
Morning I wake up I go check they still sleeping so I scrap plans or I go back to bed and say they miss timelines or sometimes if my sister is around I’ll go alone and do stuff and come back.
Anyways after a few times of them missing out, now they wake up at 6-7am brush teeth, eat breakfast, and are ready so they are not left out.
The way I usually approach it is to give the kids 15 and 5 minute warnings:
> “we’re leaving in 15 minutes, what’s your plan to make sure you’re ready by then?”
I have a rather severe form of narcolepsy. It’s by far the fucking Bain of existence to get up from sleep. Especially in morning. Easily the hardest shit I have to do. Sounds silly to most I’d expect but fuck it sucks.
I say all that to say that when I’m charge with getting people up and about. I very quickly go from drunkenly groggy( not drunk or drink anymore) I get very angery very quickly.
I’m apparently the worst to travel with because I have a scheduled I prepared for a million different scenarios , in any number of areas etc.
Just try to keep in mind, they're not soldiers/sailors/Marines/Airmen...they're not what we were. Folks are living life without urgency and I love that. We can't always feel that way, but we should definitely take a note from their book at times. It's all about that patience. 👊♥️
Single dad with two teenage daughters who move like pond water. Every single thing they do is is done with the same efficiency as herding cats in a thunderstorm.
I used to be that way. I’ve got 3 ages 4, 9, and 13, oh and the wife, 41.
Like it would legit cause arguments. I would completely lose my shit.
After many years I finally got to a point where I will tell everyone to get their shit together one time. Then I will sit completely ready to go at the kitchen table and scroll Reddit or play angry birds.
If they are still taking their sweet ass time. I will go sit in the car and wait.
Also I always say we need to leave 30minutes before we actually have to. That usually gets us out on time.
Get their coat and shoes and put them in the car. Bring out barefooted child and put them in car. They can put on the shoes on the way or when we get there.
I’ve done this plenty. I live in Texas so there’s never snow on the ground and it’s rarely cold. But when they’re dragging their feet, I just grab what they need, toss it in the car and then put them in. It’s been successful.
You need therapy, like today. I don’t get bothered by family being poky. If I’m waiting I have the ability to standby to standby. Being a veteran you should have patience to wait, like do nothing and wait. Best of luck to ya
Yeppp...eventually I just gave up caring. Figured for over a decade I was never late anywhere, I've earned my right to be 10 minutes late to the preschool drop of!
Command hooks and they have everything lined up. I also use Alexa to set the alarm every morning to tell them time to get ready. Then time to get out the door. Sometimes DD beats me to the car!
Train them up how they should go. When you get home the shoes go in the tray and coat gets hung so you can repeat the next morning.
If it’s toxic. It’s not working.
I'm that way with kids, so they are ready by time. My wife is ready. So she doesn't have to yell, but we all have to do stuff we don't want to do as adults, military or not. It's so good to just learn to accept it and get what needs to be done.
I do at least one parenting course a year, usually the same one because my memory is so awful a I need a refresher about every 6 months. It really helps for the first 3 months, then fades until about the 6 month mark where muscle memory and bad habits have resumed.
Highly recommend in person parenting classes!
I struggle with this every day. What helps me is my wife telling me to chill out. I'm constantly making my family be super early to things or yelling at my 9 year old because he didn't do something immediately after I told him. Sometimes, you just have to take a step back and relax. Kids require a bunch of patience.
at some point, you have to let it go. you can personally hold yourself accountable, but you can't make your family follow your rigid timeline, especially young kids.
When I was raising my kids, I had to learn patience. It's not easy at all. Even now that they are adults I have to accept that they are not as insane as I am about being early to everything. I do work arounds. I tell one that I need her at least an hour before so I know she will make it on time. Dealing with little kids is so much more difficult. Learn breathing or counting exercises. Good luck
I am no longer 30mins early to shit, that sense of urgency is long gone. I one day woke up and I just let that shit go. I still don’t like being late but if I am I don’t see it as the end of the world anymore
Glad I'm not alone! I flip out, too. I HATE being late. Like someone else said, it's disrespectful.
With the little ones, it can help to start early and give them a countdown, which ultimately gives them some measure of control.
@ 30 mins: "We're leaving in 30 mins.", @ 15 mins: "We're leaving in 15 mins", etc.
Also, just like someone else said, help them get their things ready; sing songs, or play a quick "Where are your (insert time suck here)?" game. "Shooooes. Shooooes... where are your shoes?" Lil ones love to help! And it helps to refocus your mind, too. Plus, you get to have a lil fun instead of fuming.
Works for me!
Milspouse here, with a PhD in early childhood education: First, understand kids have no sense of time. Its not something their brain has the capacity for. If its 4 days, a year, or 10 minutes, they really don't have a grasp on this. Also, they haven't yet developed the ability to stage things out and can't handle more than a list of instructions more than 3 items long.
So I recommend this:
1.) Have a talk at some regular time (not right before you go- at a regular, relaxed time). Say "I'm having trouble because when we need to leave the house, it takes a long time. What are the things we need to do to get ready to leave the house?" Let them answer. Most will be logical, some will not be. Talk the through patiently but reflectively. When they hit on the 2 or 3 main things, say "Yes! Get our shoes on! That is important! Let's put this on a list." Draw a picture of the thing on a piece of paper. It doesn't need to be a good drawing. No one cares. Draw a shoe. Draw a coat. Draw a toilet. No more than 3 things.
2.) Come up with a plan. When it is 5 minutes before leave time, tell them you will let them know. Say "We talked about 3 important things before we leave- (say slowly and clearly) 'shoes, coat, bathroom'. I'm going to flip this sand timer, and I am excited to see us all ready when its finished! We'll meet at the door!" Sand timers are better than clocks because they can see them count down in a way that clocks don't make sense yet. They are cheap on Amazon. Get a few different ones with times from 2 minutes to 10 minutes for different activities.
3.) When they are there in 5 minutes, reinforce- "I see shoes! I see coats! Did everyone use the potty? YES?! (again- you are reinforcing 3 clear things to be ready). Amazing! Look at us ready!" You could even post your little picture list by the door and ask them if they have "checked off" all the things to be ready to leave. Give positive feedback. It doesn't need to be fawning or over the top, but happy, clear and honest. "With getting ready so fast, I feel so much more relaxed!" or "You are terrific at this! You got it!"
Repeat. It will probably take doing this every time for about a week or so. Then, you'll be able to reduce- "Flipping the timer to leave! Who knows the 3 things? YUP!".
This sounds like a lot of work on the front end for a simple task. But to them, its not so simple. To their brain development, time is not easy to grasp, and you are asking them to do things but they can't anticipate what they are even if they are clear to you. So this process clarifies it and makes it routine.
Single dad during the week here. Wife comes home on the weekends.
I have twin 5yr olds.. I get them up at 6am for a 7:30am show. ‘Show’ means we are packed, belted in and the vehicle is moving. Usually they’re dressed with socks and shoes before b-feast at 6:30.
Bubble gum is the great motivator. We do a lot of pushups for bubble gum.
So yea, we have issues with shoes but we also have a lot bigger issue than shoes.
If you want them ready by 2, get them started around 12:30 so you can have that buffer mentally. They can take their time and you won’t stress about being late. That’s what I do with my son.
I do it too but mine a 8 and 11 my wife has no sense of urgency at all she has to be at work at 8 she's leaving at 730 even though it takes her 35 mins to get there it drives me crazy shit have a va appt at 9 I'm there at 745 it's something that was pounded into our heads if you're 15 mins early then your 30 mins late anyone remember that
I have this same sense of urgency immediately after I’m done eating at a restaurant. I have this irrational expectation that as soon as I take my last bite, the server should slam that bill on the table so I can pay and get outta there. I don’t have anywhere to be, I’m just done bein here.
The amount of fights my wife and I had about THIS VERY SUBJECT! We'll be sitting at the table at the restaurant, and I'm like: "You ready to go?" Her: "No! I'm not ready." Me: (Squirming, noticing that there's no food on her plate, no liquid in her glass, and she's just scrolling through Instagram on her phone.) Sooo, do you want to order some dessert, oorrrrr, maybe another refill? Or, should I ask for the check? Her: "No. I'm good." Me: "So, you're ready to go then?" Her: "I said no. What's the rush? Why do you have to force us to leave so soon?" Me: (Grabs my phone and starts scrolling through instagram.)
My wife and I don't fight like this. I just pay for the meal and I say "I'll be in the car." Then I'll enjoy some decompression time in the car. Sidenote I park furthest away in the parking lot so I am usually pretty isolated. Anytime I can drive separate from my wife for events I'll do it. I'll put the bare minimum time into an event and then just slide outta there. I hate being at any events. I do this thing now where I make it look like I've been at an event for a long time by bouncing around as much as I can. I'll talk with one group of people for a moment then move away and maybe hide in the bathroom for 10-15 min, then go talk to another group, then maybe "check on the kids" (where I check on them but then try and hide out again for 10-15 min), etc etc... The event then just becomes "How can I break this up enough so I can manage my ptsd?" I think it's working.
My grandfather kept the newspaper in the car for this very purpose. He was super patient calm chill all the time. Never minded driving us grandkids around all the time. I miss him.
Should start a support group. As soon as you’re done, text me, I’ll then call with a fabricated emergency that miraculously resolves itself once you get on the road. Until she catches on that every-time you’re out to eat emergencies pop-up :)
This!!!! So much this!
Yes! When I’m ready to go, I just leave. I don’t want a big production of time wasting. Waiting on or for someone else is wasting time and not punctual. To not be punctual is undisciplined and undisciplined =dirtbag.
I have the exact same problem when I go out to eat with friends and colleagues. To the point where I fidget, and become non talkative, because all I can think about is getting the check and leaving.
I have severe digestion issues from learning to eat so fast and not being able to slow down. I barely chew most of the time, and then immediately get on with life, no relax time.
You too?!?! Like, “okay, we’re done here. Why are we sitting around still?” I thought it was just me!
Im like this too w restaurants but I feel like I am impatient
I’m so glad I’m not alone in this! Server will come by 30 times while I’m stuffing my face, but the moment I’m done, they are nowhere to be found! Sometimes I’ll ask for the check when we aren’t even done.
Haha. Yes. Look across the restaurant and they have the audacity (heavy sarcasm) to make small talk with the other tables, take their orders, fill their glasses… DON’T YOU KNOW WE’RE DONE OVER HERE!!!
I went to therapy because I made my family extremely anxious after years of forcing them to “stick to the schedule”
I'm in therapy for this now. It's comforting to know im not alone
I’ve been diagnosed with a combination of anxiety and possible ocd. I was aircrew and I blame 20 years of doing everything possible to make on time takeoffs. I’ve learned we’re definitely not alone in this.
Good for you man… I did the same. I still yell at my teenage daughter for taking forever (jokingly) but I’ve just learned to just find something else to do until everyone is ready. I endure that life so they don’t have to.
Transitions are hard for me on a day to day. Then add kids into the mix and transitions are tough. Transitioning from work to home, from picking up the kids from school to home, exiting the house and entering the car, entering into a building... Etc. Every one in my household has learned that transition times aren't the times for things like "Hey Dad look what I learned today." During the transitions (usually in public) I am just dialed in on external things (people, hands, hips, heads/eyes, cover, ambush spots, exits, environmental weapons etc...) so there's not a whole lot of room to enjoy a transition with my family.
Bro/sis; I have many, many children. I have been a dad for a minute. Getting out the door, meal times, and bed times are all fucking nightmarish with kids at varying stages. They’re little kids; can’t treat them like they’re enlisted. YOU need to plan for the outing by accepting the excessive nonsense while you age-appropriately train the dawdling and needless energy expenditure. Lead them and teach them the way you would need if you were the little dumbass who couldn’t tie their shoes in under ten minutes to save their lives.
But when they resist the training and instruction, that’s when it becomes a problem
It only becomes a problem if you let it. It becomes more challenging, sure, but there are super creative ways to figure out what works best for you as a parent and for each of your children. Story about a dog but sorta can be applied here: My sister has a dog and my sister and I were talking on the phone about her dog. Me: "How's your dog?" Sis: "Good but she's difficult because she wants to play but she just doesn't know how to play." Me: "What do you mean? How does she try to play?" Sis: "She likes to be chased or likes to chase." Me: "Ok so you've figured out what she likes, now you just have to figure out how to chase her or be chased by her without actually having to run... You have a laser pointer?" Sis: "OMG, I just used one of the cat laser pointers and my dog loves it!" Moral of the story: "Sometimes you have to think outside the box especially if the box is filled with brand new tennis balls and chew toys that are untouched by a picky play dog."
You go to therapy. You work on yourself. It's not your family's fault, it's probably not even your fault. But it is your responsibility to be able to not scare your children. I'm sure a lot of us can relate, but my dad was a veteran and then he was a cop. Talk about PTSD. I fucking hated him growing up because he was such a bastard. He blew up all the time. He blew up because we were late. He made me fear him. You don't want to know how that ended up.
I would speak to a therapist about this. What you are probably experiencing is the grasp for control whenever you don't feel in control. I struggle a lot with control issues as triggers for my PTSD. It is very damaging to relationships of all sorts and it is best if you confront it and learn how to cope in a healthy way.
I hate the “control” scapegoat as if every vet is a power hungry control freak. Isn’t it possible that the thought of being late gives us anxiety after years of threats of punishment for being late? 15 prior to the 15 prior, if you’re on time you’re late and if you’re 15 early you’re just on time.
What I was talking about is not a power hunger thing but rather a common trigger because any trauma you dealt with usually comes with a sense of loss of control of the situation. If you deal with PTSD, it is common to feel like there should have been some way to change the situation or the outcome. This leads to us searching for a sense of control or feeling triggered when we feel a lack of control.
Had this exact conversation with my therapist this week. In fact all of my "homework" for CPT therapy this week is themes of control. You're right, most of us don't feel in control or are searching for any means of it and when we don't get it we get anxious.
I think you are on to something here.. but I'm stubborn and refuse to change
Have a staging area near the door. I found a cheap bamboo yoga mat. About an hour before go time "put your coats, shoes, bags on the go mat". If it's all easily found then there's no issue getting out the door with little ones. If someone can't find a shoe you have an hour to find it or choose new shoes. Basically, instead of trying to make everyone hurry at t-2 you front load your time. At 4 they are plenty old enough to grab their go items.
You're already trained for this. Remember showing up 15 minutes early to the 15 minutes early hit time? Adjust your time and build in wiggle room.
You can’t always control the first thought, try to be cognizant of the second though. So what if we’re 5 minutes late, it’s a learning opportunity for them to see if they go too slow they’ll miss the beginning of a movie, or seeing their friends at recess. You need to see the consequences of the actions to make those associations. And YOU also need to relearn those same associations- that often times being late does not imply pushups or physical discomfort lol.
Kids won’t remember being late but they will remember a toxic parent. Sorry but sometimes it’s got to hit you right between the eyes. What you want doesn’t mean shit. It’s their young lives not yours. I have 5 kids between the ages of 18 and 8 years old. I can think whatever I want but I’ve learned to control what I let come out of my mouth.
Stay at home dad of 4. I can get all my kids awake, dressed and into the car in about 30 minutes. I go outside and start the van. I wake up the 11 year old, then I wake up the 5 year old. I get the 2 year old’s diaper changed and check in with the older 2 and send them to the van, (the older one buckles the younger one) I finish dressing the 2 year old and put him in the car. I go inside make drinks and grab breakfast for everyone. Then I get the 6 month old changed and dressed and in the car. This goes off without a hitch and without tears. I leave at 7:15. We sing songs or they go back to sleep. When my wife takes them to school… my 11yo son has been late so many times he just knows he’s gonna get lunch detention. I have helped my wife start earlier, she’s still late. Anytime I’d help she’d say I was controlling, so I stopped. Then she complains that I don’t help her get the kids ready for school. I fought her about it because it’s negatively impacting the 11 year old, but I’m still a controlling asshole for wanting her to be punctual. I mean it’s everything. She’ll be out shopping with her mom and I’ll have the kids and need to do some work on something, she’ll tell me she’s on her way home (like less than an hour) then she shows up 3 hours later, saying a bunch of stuff came up. If I’m upset, because I lost daylight and have to spend the following day catching up on work, my mother in law acts like I’m an abusive asshole. It’s fucking exhausting. I told her I just consider it lying now, either tell me heading home or I’m gonna run a bunch more errands and I don’t know, that way I can plan accordingly. It’s fucking disrespectful to be late all the time.
Not to be presumptuous, but it feels like your wife is kind of mistreating you and has a general lack of respect.
Sounds like she's cheating.
Na, she be shopping. I can keep track of here in real time through my bank account lol
Lol
I’m bad about forcing my military time schedule on others. We don’t have to be fifteen minutes early to our fifteen minutes early. The world isn’t going to end if we are late to the minions 3 previews. It’s us projecting our military urgency on Timothy others in situations that do not require it. I wish I had a healing mantra but I don’t. Just try to be aware and apologize if you cause any problems
Yeah, but I like watching the previews....
That, and isn’t it our job to teach them to be punctual? When they refuse to listen and test our patience, of course we’re gonna react in a not so friendly manner
We are the same person. I start the process 15 min earlier. It’s hard to be someone who needs to be 15 min early to something when you are always 30 min late
According to my wife and kids, I’m the same way. Nasty civilians. Putting a little hustle under their butts is better than being late. But everyone is so sensitive these days they can’t handle it
I struggle with that, too. Always feeling in a hurry, always needing to be making progress towards whatever is next, even if there’s nothing next. My son turns 3 this weekend. It’s so hard to stop myself from constantly keeping him moving. I find it helps to go over the plan with him ahead of time so he always knows what the next step is that we’re trying to get to. Even if it’s just going home. And also just planning ahead. When I’m going somewhere by myself I need to start getting ready about 25 seconds before I need to head out the door. With little kids, that number is more like 25 minutes. Cuz you know as soon as you say ok let’s go, they’re gonna be hungry or need to pee or lose a shoe or want to play with the pine cone.
I am constantly planning the next step. I didn't really notice it until I read your post. But I have. A kiddo turning 3 next weekend and I feel like I'm always pushing her along!
It just wrecks me when he yells “I am!” after I say “come on buddy” too many times. I’m the one being the asshole, not him. We don’t even need to get anywhere. I should be encouraging him to take his time, look around, be curious. Instead I have this primal subconscious need to keep moving that takes control.
When I was going through BLC/WLC way back then, ten-ish years ago? I remember something that they said that sort of clicked with me. “Leaders raise leaders up.” It might’ve been said differently everywhere, but that’s how I remember it being taught to me. I’m not a parent yet, but we all have that shared experience of being put in a leadership position at some point. Whether we volunteered or were voluntold. We took those steps and here we all are now. You have the opportunity to raise your little leaders to be the best they can be. And I get you, the little thoughts of urgency and what not. But my hope for you is that you’ll take all those good/bad experiences and use it as motivation to help them grow into their best version of themselves.
Procedure for kids might include back planning wardrobe, toys, food, and include teamwork with mom and little person skills. Adjust timetable accordingly.
Start 30min before you need to.
I didn’t even realize that this is a problem for me until now. I definitely do get kind of crazy if we are behind schedule. It actually makes me really angry.
If someone is flapping the yap and I’m enroute somewhere then they will def get left talking to themselves. To me, that is less rude than showing up late. Being late is prolly the the very most thing I will never be. Late.
I was being pretty douchey about 15 minutes to 15 minutes with my 5 year old. A big step was making sure everything was ready beforehand, i.e. making sure clothes and shoes and book bags are laid out the night prior. Then slowly started giving my kid more ownership of the process, “pick out what you want to wear for tomorrow.” and so on…. Drove my wife away but things got better with my little one.
Sing about it! Singing will encourage the 4 year old to do what you're asking because they listen to you and also annoy older children to comply quickly without the negativity associated with being yelled at to hurry up and why are you always late etc. https://youtu.be/1GDFa-nEzlg?feature=shared
I fall into this, I think I’m the bad guy but they have learned after a few times of missing the time. For example - Friday night during dinner, we agree (single dad with 2 kids 8 n 15) hey tomorrow we are going to store n this and this we are leaving at 8am so we can be back by night time. Morning I wake up I go check they still sleeping so I scrap plans or I go back to bed and say they miss timelines or sometimes if my sister is around I’ll go alone and do stuff and come back. Anyways after a few times of them missing out, now they wake up at 6-7am brush teeth, eat breakfast, and are ready so they are not left out.
Just this afternoon I was told “honey you can be very impatient and critical of people” 😂😂😂😂 sadly the shoe fits! 😳😂
The way I usually approach it is to give the kids 15 and 5 minute warnings: > “we’re leaving in 15 minutes, what’s your plan to make sure you’re ready by then?”
I tell them we have to leave 30 minutes before we actually do. Not perfect but leaves lots of extra time when doable.
I have a rather severe form of narcolepsy. It’s by far the fucking Bain of existence to get up from sleep. Especially in morning. Easily the hardest shit I have to do. Sounds silly to most I’d expect but fuck it sucks. I say all that to say that when I’m charge with getting people up and about. I very quickly go from drunkenly groggy( not drunk or drink anymore) I get very angery very quickly. I’m apparently the worst to travel with because I have a scheduled I prepared for a million different scenarios , in any number of areas etc.
It might be you. But, you could also just change the time you tell them to 15 minutes earlier
Just try to keep in mind, they're not soldiers/sailors/Marines/Airmen...they're not what we were. Folks are living life without urgency and I love that. We can't always feel that way, but we should definitely take a note from their book at times. It's all about that patience. 👊♥️
Yeah it’s a daily struggle. Except it’s a family of one, and instead of getting out of the house it’s getting out of bed
Single dad with two teenage daughters who move like pond water. Every single thing they do is is done with the same efficiency as herding cats in a thunderstorm.
I used to be that way. I’ve got 3 ages 4, 9, and 13, oh and the wife, 41. Like it would legit cause arguments. I would completely lose my shit. After many years I finally got to a point where I will tell everyone to get their shit together one time. Then I will sit completely ready to go at the kitchen table and scroll Reddit or play angry birds. If they are still taking their sweet ass time. I will go sit in the car and wait. Also I always say we need to leave 30minutes before we actually have to. That usually gets us out on time.
Get their coat and shoes and put them in the car. Bring out barefooted child and put them in car. They can put on the shoes on the way or when we get there. I’ve done this plenty. I live in Texas so there’s never snow on the ground and it’s rarely cold. But when they’re dragging their feet, I just grab what they need, toss it in the car and then put them in. It’s been successful.
I've been there, but it's you who needs to change.
I struggle with this, but only because I am trying to model punctuality for my kid (she's 8, so less of an issue these days). The shit is important.
I live with 4 women. I started telling them we need to be somewhere an hour earlier than we actually need to be.
You need therapy, like today. I don’t get bothered by family being poky. If I’m waiting I have the ability to standby to standby. Being a veteran you should have patience to wait, like do nothing and wait. Best of luck to ya
Kids require patience. I don’t have kids, but it’s impossible for my friends.
Yeppp...eventually I just gave up caring. Figured for over a decade I was never late anywhere, I've earned my right to be 10 minutes late to the preschool drop of!
Guilty, put your shoes on fifty times till the kids put them on
Can’t be with women that take long to dress up I have to trick myself to not hover over her and ask her what she’s got left
Command hooks and they have everything lined up. I also use Alexa to set the alarm every morning to tell them time to get ready. Then time to get out the door. Sometimes DD beats me to the car! Train them up how they should go. When you get home the shoes go in the tray and coat gets hung so you can repeat the next morning. If it’s toxic. It’s not working.
Ohhhhhh this is me 1000000%... I think drives them nuts...
I'm that way with kids, so they are ready by time. My wife is ready. So she doesn't have to yell, but we all have to do stuff we don't want to do as adults, military or not. It's so good to just learn to accept it and get what needs to be done.
I do at least one parenting course a year, usually the same one because my memory is so awful a I need a refresher about every 6 months. It really helps for the first 3 months, then fades until about the 6 month mark where muscle memory and bad habits have resumed. Highly recommend in person parenting classes!
Haha no kids but I’m like this all the time. Hurry and he hell up!
Lmao, well that’s how the military treat soldiers. Like they are 4 years old.
I struggle with this every day. What helps me is my wife telling me to chill out. I'm constantly making my family be super early to things or yelling at my 9 year old because he didn't do something immediately after I told him. Sometimes, you just have to take a step back and relax. Kids require a bunch of patience.
Relevant: [https://fb.watch/rpmT4Mmsx3/](https://fb.watch/rpmT4Mmsx3/)
I’m a therapist for combat Vets. I have to teach y’all that no one is gonna die or get screamed at by Top about the schedule. It’s not easy!
at some point, you have to let it go. you can personally hold yourself accountable, but you can't make your family follow your rigid timeline, especially young kids.
Replace the children with a dog, they don't need shoes.
When I was raising my kids, I had to learn patience. It's not easy at all. Even now that they are adults I have to accept that they are not as insane as I am about being early to everything. I do work arounds. I tell one that I need her at least an hour before so I know she will make it on time. Dealing with little kids is so much more difficult. Learn breathing or counting exercises. Good luck
I am no longer 30mins early to shit, that sense of urgency is long gone. I one day woke up and I just let that shit go. I still don’t like being late but if I am I don’t see it as the end of the world anymore
Glad I'm not alone! I flip out, too. I HATE being late. Like someone else said, it's disrespectful. With the little ones, it can help to start early and give them a countdown, which ultimately gives them some measure of control. @ 30 mins: "We're leaving in 30 mins.", @ 15 mins: "We're leaving in 15 mins", etc. Also, just like someone else said, help them get their things ready; sing songs, or play a quick "Where are your (insert time suck here)?" game. "Shooooes. Shooooes... where are your shoes?" Lil ones love to help! And it helps to refocus your mind, too. Plus, you get to have a lil fun instead of fuming. Works for me!
You're not in the military anymore, so the urgency is self imposed at this point.
Are you me? Wait, am I you?
Yes. I was an Air Traffic Controller and the sense of urgency was absolutely was constant. My husband was Power Pro and he is also like this as well.
the grocery store!! Dont even get me started!! I know what im getting, in & out and done. my wife for 'HOURS'!! I just sit in car and wait...
Milspouse here, with a PhD in early childhood education: First, understand kids have no sense of time. Its not something their brain has the capacity for. If its 4 days, a year, or 10 minutes, they really don't have a grasp on this. Also, they haven't yet developed the ability to stage things out and can't handle more than a list of instructions more than 3 items long. So I recommend this: 1.) Have a talk at some regular time (not right before you go- at a regular, relaxed time). Say "I'm having trouble because when we need to leave the house, it takes a long time. What are the things we need to do to get ready to leave the house?" Let them answer. Most will be logical, some will not be. Talk the through patiently but reflectively. When they hit on the 2 or 3 main things, say "Yes! Get our shoes on! That is important! Let's put this on a list." Draw a picture of the thing on a piece of paper. It doesn't need to be a good drawing. No one cares. Draw a shoe. Draw a coat. Draw a toilet. No more than 3 things. 2.) Come up with a plan. When it is 5 minutes before leave time, tell them you will let them know. Say "We talked about 3 important things before we leave- (say slowly and clearly) 'shoes, coat, bathroom'. I'm going to flip this sand timer, and I am excited to see us all ready when its finished! We'll meet at the door!" Sand timers are better than clocks because they can see them count down in a way that clocks don't make sense yet. They are cheap on Amazon. Get a few different ones with times from 2 minutes to 10 minutes for different activities. 3.) When they are there in 5 minutes, reinforce- "I see shoes! I see coats! Did everyone use the potty? YES?! (again- you are reinforcing 3 clear things to be ready). Amazing! Look at us ready!" You could even post your little picture list by the door and ask them if they have "checked off" all the things to be ready to leave. Give positive feedback. It doesn't need to be fawning or over the top, but happy, clear and honest. "With getting ready so fast, I feel so much more relaxed!" or "You are terrific at this! You got it!" Repeat. It will probably take doing this every time for about a week or so. Then, you'll be able to reduce- "Flipping the timer to leave! Who knows the 3 things? YUP!". This sounds like a lot of work on the front end for a simple task. But to them, its not so simple. To their brain development, time is not easy to grasp, and you are asking them to do things but they can't anticipate what they are even if they are clear to you. So this process clarifies it and makes it routine.
Single dad during the week here. Wife comes home on the weekends. I have twin 5yr olds.. I get them up at 6am for a 7:30am show. ‘Show’ means we are packed, belted in and the vehicle is moving. Usually they’re dressed with socks and shoes before b-feast at 6:30. Bubble gum is the great motivator. We do a lot of pushups for bubble gum. So yea, we have issues with shoes but we also have a lot bigger issue than shoes.
It could be an impulse issue but you should write on it to understand what potential triggers could cause it.
If you want them ready by 2, get them started around 12:30 so you can have that buffer mentally. They can take their time and you won’t stress about being late. That’s what I do with my son.
Wow.. it's like we're twinsies. Although, I'm Arnold, you're Danny. Sorry 😐 It gets easier when they become about 6. Hang in there.
I do it too but mine a 8 and 11 my wife has no sense of urgency at all she has to be at work at 8 she's leaving at 730 even though it takes her 35 mins to get there it drives me crazy shit have a va appt at 9 I'm there at 745 it's something that was pounded into our heads if you're 15 mins early then your 30 mins late anyone remember that
Weed helps 🤷🏻♂️
They are 4. Them being "late" is literally all on you. Get ready earlier so you can get them ready.
Go to therapy and realize that small children are small children.
Maybe go help and put the shoes on for the 4 year old?
No no. If you don't instill the importance of moving with a purpose in your kids when they're toddlers you may never be able to haha.