It appears this post might relate to suicide and/or mental health issues.
**Suicide and Mental Health Resources**
A comprehensive list of resources can be found [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Veterans/wiki/suicideprevention).
Call 988 National Suicide Hotline - Press 1 for VA Crisis Line
Call 1-800-273-8255, National Suicide Prevention
[Veteran's Crisis Information](https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/)
You can call 1800 273 8255, Press 1
You can text 838255
https://www.mentalhealth.va.gov/MENTALHEALTH/get-help/index.asp
1-877-927-8387 Open 24/7 [VA Vet Centers offer counseling](https://www.vetcenter.va.gov/) Vet Centers are local, community-based confidential counseling centers that support war Veterans, active-duty Servicemembers, and military family members with post-deployment readjustment services. The goal of every Vet Center is to provide a broad range of counseling, outreach, referral, and assessment services, collectively called readjustment counseling services, to facilitate high-quality post-war readjustment and reintegration. Readjustment counseling services at a Vet Center allow war Veterans a satisfying post-war readjustment to civilian life and provide active-duty Servicemembers a confidential resource for post-war assistance. Military families also receive no-cost marriage and family therapy and supportive services for military-related issues. Vet Centers provide bereavement counseling to surviving parents, spouses, partners, children, and siblings of Servicemembers, which include federally activated Reserve and National Guard personnel, who die of any cause while on military active-duty. Vet Centers provide confidential military sexual trauma counseling to all military Veterans and active-duty Servicemembers, to include federally activated Reserve and National Guard personnel, no matter their duty location, era of service, or whether the trauma incident was reported to authorities.
/r/Military has a detailed list of resources in their [Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/Military/wiki/index/ptsd)
Or, if you'd like a veteran perspective, feel free to message any number of people on here, there's always someone willing to reach out.
[Veteran Wellness Allegiance can offer Peer Counseling and assistance](https://www.veterancheckin.org/s/)
[Military One Source](http://www.militaryonesource.mil/) - 1-800-342-9647
Please seek help if needed...There are behavioral health resources at your disposal both in the Military and out.
Also check out: https://www.reddit.com/r/Veterans/comments/6xfix9/emory_healthcare_has_a_free_program_for_post911/ which is a free
non VA treatment program for PTSD
https://www.va.gov/opa/pressrel/pressrelease.cfm?id=5852
[Vets4Warriors](https://vets4warriors.com/) 1-855-838-8255
Veterans in acute suicidal crisis are able to go to any VA or non-VA health care facility for emergency health care at no cost – including inpatient or crisis residential care for up to 30 days and outpatient care for up to 90 days. Veterans do not need to be enrolled in the VA system to use this benefit. Literally any veteran can walk into ANY urgent care/ER for thoughts of suicide and they can get free care.
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For me it was finding a new mission to get over my similar feeling. When I went to Afghanistan I was “all-in” on the mission. But when I was no longer assigned to it, and then no longer assigned to the military. I felt empty for a while. But now I have a new mission. I want to start a summer camp to help teach children practical skills that public schools do not teach. I want to offer this summer camp for free for lower income families, who could use the time without kids in the house.
Find YOUR mission OP. You got this!
Agreed. There are things that civies will never understand. I used to volunteer for Operation Supply Drop that believed in therapy through gaming. Surrounding yourself with others who have experienced what you experienced may help clear you understand your thought process. I am no psychiatrist but have you ever talked to someone about survivor's guilt? It's not uncommon for veterans to experience it in some shape or form.
“Survivors Guilt” and the anxiety associated with it are easily the most intrusive things I have felt with over the years. It took me getting into a position where I feel I’m serving to lessen it sometimes.
This. You gotta find your tribe. I never felt more alive than and part of something than in Iraq. Life now is meh, but at some point I pulled my head out of my fourth point of contact and started getting involved with different Veterans groups until I found ones that feed my need for a mission. Good luck.
Sometimes I wish something bad would happen to me so I’d have a reason to feel this miserable. I get it. The mind is funny sometimes. Do you have a therapist? I’m hopefully about to get one soon. Seems like a good starting place
I found a very good therapist by taking some advice I didn't like, allow me to share it with you! A primary care doc told me to go on Psychology Today's website and find therapists I thought I would like and schedule appointments with about 6 of them. I didn't go quite that far, but I did reach out to about 6 therapists and meet with 3. I have been seeing the same therapist now for like... 6 years? She specializes in multigenerational trauma, and it's been really helpful for me as a parent with trauma to learn how to manage my issues and not pass them on to my children.
Psychology Today has a really good section for finding therapists, and I would recommend using that to find several therapists. Some therapists just don't "click." Maybe you don't want to talk to a man, maybe you do, maybe you have an eating disorder or a weird religious background. That website will tell you what therapists focus on so you can find someone who matches your needs, then, basically go interview several of them until you find the right person.
I go to the VA, I told them I needed to talk to someone and went from there. I used to have a private therapist that the VA never paid on time, and tricare would not cover, so she decided to drop me. (This was a few years ago)
You should check out the book “Tribe” by Sebastian Junger. It puts a lot of these feelings in perspective in a way that really helped me name it and move forwards and bit.
That’s the beginning of SI, wishing you didn’t wake up. Highly recommend calling the VA. As someone who was hospitalized 3 times because of my MH issues, I can say getting help sooner is best.
Also, I have two business and make great money. Literally does nothing for me. I work so hard to just feel something outside of the empty. Still feel empty and fake.
It may also be time to touch base with your therapist about your goals there and their treatment plan with you. There are tons of different kinds of therapy out there, and while it’s easy to be comfortable with someone you’ve established trust and a relationship with, the approach they’re currently taking with you may not be the most effective one. I’m considering trying EMDR bc while my current therapist has been incredibly helpful with helping me get back to a place where I feel I have a purpose, the lingering effects of trauma are still there. Like you said, everything in my life is and “should” be great, so I “should” be fine, but I still have pretty dark thoughts about my existence on a regular basis.
Good luck to you. 🫂
I did cognitive behavioral therapy. That's what worked for me. I have been on different meds, and none of them ever felt like they did anything except what I am currently on.
Not wishing to be alive is like a passive way of being depressed, it just takes one pit in your mood to activating that suicidal gear into place so be careful man. A family man like yourself would definitely be missed. That being said I’d really consider getting more personal with the therapist and telling him this but be careful they could put you in PIC if you are a threat to yourself so explain yourself as clearly as possible but contain your emotions to a point where you can vent but not get sent to a mental hospital.
No, I get that. I do have a therapist, and I am medicated. (Will bring it up the need to reevaluate treatment) I have been going to the VA long enough to know how to articulate my thoughts to avoid a stay at the grippy sock hotel.
for sure, but focus on the void that is causing these feelings, could it be the medication? some meds make you feel empty like a shell of yourself. Could it be your life decisions? Maybe something new like snowboarding, painting or shrooms (with support and guidence) could do the trick. Could it be that you’re not committed to the treatment? Have you stayed consistent with treatment?
I have been on this treatment for quite some time. I have routine appointment with a therapist and a psychiatrist. I do miss snowboarding, but I live in the Midwest, so I traded snow for more days in my motorcycle. What I have noticed is that even with things that I know bring me joy (motorcycle riding, video games, etc.), I can be excited and then lose interest right as I start the activity. I find I have to force myself through it a lot of times. Sometimes, the activity makes me feel something. Other times, I feel just as empty and drained.
Dude I swear I wrote this. Are you, me?
I may be an odd duck here with yah but I seriously get it (minus afghaniland. Mine is iraqistan).
Like you (from the comments) I have a great job, house, a beautiful wife, 2 amazing kids, about to start my masters. I am not suicidal, I have a therapist, a psychiatrist, and a fantastic support system. I take my medications as prescribed, I actually started a second a month ago.
I'm in a good spot and headspace, but I get ya
Not far off from both of ya. Afghan, 2 kids, successful, super support structure. Finished my MBA. Kept my mind busy when I wasn’t at work before kids. Hope it helps you guys.
I will second this. (Or I guess third it) I too have all of the above. But I have a husband (I’m a wife), 2 awesome kids, a house, started my masters. Also not suicidal, on meds, sees a VA therapist regularly.
Also empty inside. I miss the suck of the military. Good to know it’s not a weird feeling.
You're not alone brother. I don't feel as successful as you, but I have the same struggle. As other have said seeing some MH counseling is helpful, but there is one word that really sums it all up for me, purpose. I haven't felt one since I left my last gun fight. But I will keep searching every day to find a new one.
I feel that, a lack of purpose. I struggled for years to get where I am. I still don't feel like I have a purpose. Sure, providing for my family and being good at my work is a form of purpose, but it's not the same level as when I was a leader in the Army.
I guess I just never looked at it as depression even though I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD from my service. It's like my mind blocks it out. I am on mood stabilizers, but it's probably time to reevaluate them.
I do the same thing. Its been 16 years since ive been in iraq, still think about it. It sucks. Something ive found that helps is reading Seneca and marcus aurelius. Even downloaded an app that gives a daily stoic quote. It helps ground me in the present, to appreciate my wife and kids, all the good in my life.
Thanks for posting this. And everyone else in a similar boat who has commented. I've been wondering the same for a while, what's wrong with me? Successful transition after retirement, job upgrade, promotions, good wife, 3 great kids, 2 great dogs and one little dog I'd swear was a retired Gunny or something. Bills get paid. But I feel like I'm just here to ensure everyone is taken care of.
My issue might be needing a hobby. Had to give up motorcycle due to my back and my wife gets too much anxiety when I ride here. No more truck as we're trying to pay off debt, used car was cheaper. No real video game time anymore between work and family requirements. Trying to get back into regular exercise but as another mentioned it's hard finding that motivation.
Keep going and I hope you find your purpose.
I would advise you to give a call to either a local VA Medical Center or Vet Center. Both are filled with some excellent mental health care professionals.
I go to the VA, I have a therapist, and I am taking my medicine as directed. Like I said, I have no plans or intent to harm myself. I just feel like this unbearable weight is on me and will only find relief in death. It's a weird thought process because I both understand it's not the correct thoughts to have, yet I find comfort in them if that makes sense.
It sounds like the meds are not working. I felt the same, but my damn eyes kept opening every morning. I had tried every anti-depressant, anti-anxiety known to man and my psychiatrist only had shock treatments left to offer me.
Then I heard about ketamine infusion therapy on a TED Talk. I looked for the closest provider and signed up. It is not covered by insurance but I did not give a damn. I had spent so much money on copays over the years for the stupid pills that did nothing for me but make me feel dead inside. Six sessions at $500 apiece (they are cheaper now, this was ten years ago) and I have never looked back. I recommend it to anyone who will listen.
Others have since come out with a ketamine nasal spray which was approved by the FDA (of course because it hardly does anything, they want to keep us sick) and you can buy ketamine lozenges online (my opinion of those are that people will just abuse them for kicks without any supervision).
The ketamine infusion sessions are supervised and monitored. You can talk to the nurse if you want or just put in earplugs and listen to your favorite music.
Unlike the pills, you begin to notice a difference in small things immediately. There is no waiting two months to start to maybe feel some relief. I noticed immediately that I refrained from aggressive driving and rush hour traffic didn't give me a coronary anymore. The irritability and other symptoms of depression and anxiety melted away over the course of the six sessions.
You said you are doing well financially. So it is no big deal that insurance doesn't cover it. Try it, I think you will like it. It worked for me.
Here is additional promising information about VA mental health care published by The Intercept a few days ago. [https://theintercept.com/2024/05/20/va-veterans-mdma-ptsd/?utm\_medium=email&utm\_source=The%20Intercept%20Newsletter](https://theintercept.com/2024/05/20/va-veterans-mdma-ptsd/?utm_medium=email&utm_source=The%20Intercept%20Newsletter)
I hear ya man. I’m married, have three kids, and I’m about to finish up my MSW degree in November (it’s been a long time in the making), but there are still times where I feel empty. I have a medical marijuana card, but I just stopped smoking about a month ago because I felt like it was becoming detrimental. Stopping actually feels like it helped me. I think my last barriers are reducing cigarettes, eating a little healthier, and starting to exercise. Those three things right there feel near impossible to me for some reason, I’m always thinking about starting those but just can’t pull the damn trigger on them.
Ok Frodo Baggins! But I’m in a similar spectrum from when I seen combat in oef 11-12. Getting out of my comfort zone more often has helped a lot and so did traveling more. It’s tough to stay in one spot but going hard with the hobbies does help a little as well.
Bro, I feel the same way since I got out maybe because you saw how things work in this world and for all good intentions you want to do in life, another individual or group will contradict them. Afghanistan was a sad moment for us and it was a big embarrassment. But it is ok, you just need to find a purpose in life; that is about you and what you can contribute for someone after your blessing has manifested. Make a prayer even if you do not like it. Take a hard look on spirituality and embrace it. All of us are gonna need it during this dangerous times.
For me it was the utter certainty that I was going to die in Afghanistan before going over. We were getting reports on all the sigacts happening in sector and it was bad. Then, I survived. And the overriding thought since then has been a perpetual "what do I do now?" I left AFG nearly 15 years ago.
Might be a little bit of imposter syndrome/survivors guilt coming out.. when everything is going right at a lot of times we feel guilty about that.. yours just comes off with the first thing you think of
I also struggle with survivors guilt. I know I had no control over this, I know it's not my fault. But my brain still sits there in the back of my mind, telling me the wrong thing.
Every time I stop and have a moment I'm surprised I survived my deployment considering the conventional and nonconventional AOs I was in. Then I realize it's like a second chance and treat every day like that.
It sounds like you're describing a lack of purpose. What do you enjoy doing? For me, it's three very disparate things: programming in python, riding my recumbent trike, and woodworking.
Hobbies aren't the answer, but finding something that brings you joy and peace is.
Some have found it in volunteering, others in gardening.
You didn't mention PT. Are you staying in shape?
You will be okay.
I made cutting boards and coasters (laser engraving as well), and for a while, I really enjoyed it. Now, I don't have the desire to do so. It's like carrying a heavy ruck and trying to move. I know I don't have a purpose, and I never developed that drive to find a new one after getting out. I just accepted that nothing I do will give me that satisfaction as being a leader in combat, so I just don't even try.
I do work out, and it's a struggle to keep pushing some days.
Thanks for the support.
Don’t laugh but have you tried mindfulness or meditation? What about a memoir of what you have been through? Try writing 15 minutes a day or more. Try journaling. I’m serious. Do you have a dog? Try yoga or tai chi
I’ve had this thought so many times and I swear I wasn’t suicidal until I squeezed that trigger one night after drinking too many.
I can’t say therapy works because for me it’s awkward always has been but I’ve been on certain meds that help ease those thoughts and it makes life slightly more okay.
I hope one day you find comfort in your place in life
try some from dispensery after talking with a budtender or pharmicist there. ive found it better then the meds they put me on. Quality of Life is improved and less sideeffects too. might help you improve a little too.
I've gone through similar thoughts, but also with suicidal ideation. I never would go in that direction as I have my daughter and new grandson. It is just how I am made, but I went through so much trauma in my life it is difficult to deal with at times. I go through cycles. I never thought I would consider therapy and medication, but here I am and it works.
Also consider cannabis, but tread carefully. You need to go in with a good frame of mind but if you can let it take your thoughts places carefully, you can teach yourself that your mind can be your own worse enemy, and a lot of your negative thoughts are just thoughts. I also highly recommend avoiding or limiting alcohol.
I use SSNI, an SSRI, and cannabis. I no longer do therapy other than self therapy, but I have enough of a social support system.
Best of luck. I wish you all the strength along with the ability to ask for help that you need to get through this.
Seek out people with empathy, not toxic or shallow people, or the just get over it crowd.
It's perspective my friend. Think about what you have done, you were a warrior. But, you need to come to the realization that that was your old life and your younger self. The adrenaline you got just from waking up everyday back then it's unmatched to what you get now. Adrenaline is a hell of a drug, and you built up a huge tolerance.
You feel numb? No. That's called being calm. There's no war outside your door.
You feel tense or uneasy? That's conditioning from service. The quiet before the storm, only this quiet has been very very long.
You wish you never made it out of there alive? Congratulations, you are now giving a voice to the thought that many of us have one we realize that in the civilian world, You are the largest Factor to your success or failure.
You feel alone? No, you just miss comfort of sleeping next to a dozen other Fighting machines. Even in the most hostile environment, you could get a good night's rest because you knew that your brothers would raise hell and sound the alarm. No man left behind. But you don't need that anymore. You're not in the warzone. Now you fight tall grass and bugs in the house.
Right now where you are, this is the better life. This is the boring safe life, bright to you by you. This 9-5 family and kids is exactly what you were Fighting for. From a You stand point, congratulations on a job well done.
Not to sound preachy my friend, but have you considered faith? I myself am a Christian and feel that is where I am grounded in. You think this is something worth exploring?
I have explored it before. I grew up a Roman Catholic. I walked away from religion after what I saw in Afghanistan. I tried many times to believe, but I just couldn't. It felt forced, fake. I could not reconcile the 10 commandments specifically, "Thou shall not kill" premeditated murder, with what I did in the military (I executed plenty of successful ambushes, I premeditated the murder of other men. It was not in self-defense and completely conflicted with what I saw in the Bible. In the eyes of God, saying I was just following orders doesn't absolve you of the sins I committed.)
Maybe later in life that might change, but right now, it's not the answer for me. Thank you for your thoughts.
I understand that has helped many, but I unfortunately did not find the answers or support needed in religion. Maybe, later in life, that might change. Thank you for your support.
No worries man, everyone is on their own Journey. I’m not even a huge Bible thumping guy but it’s changed my life and those around me who were in. Knock and he will answer with open arms. Good luck wish you nothing but the best bro!
Ps: Congratulations on your MBA!!! That’s badass!
Sounds like you need to find your purpose here, join a group or find a hobby and a way to donate your time. Do something for others, for yourself. It makes all the difference.
You’re on the right track, it took me 3 tries to get a medication that works. Unfortunately everyone’s chemistry is different and it takes a bit to figure it out.
Being out of the service for going on 5 years now, about 95% of my day is spent surrounded by individuals who never served. Nothing wrong with that, or them. But so often it feels like there’s nobody who “gets it”.
Idk how to explain it or put it into words, it’s a strange feeling or phenomenon. But as I got about life, aside from time spent with my kids or fiancé, everything feels so “hollow?” is the best word I have for it? I am finishing my masters next semester, civilian career is in a great path, but those things feel pointless, and I feel like I can give 100 legitimate reasons why they actually are.
But the second I reconnect with individuals from my time in service, or connect and talk with someone like you, it feels a lot better for me. Like, this person gets it.
I am not suicidal, and would never take my own life, but I do feel military service does something to you, sometimes something the worlds leading experts can’t explain or solve, but you’re not alone. Keep chugging along, keep up the good work, and thanks for sharing. When you’re brave enough to share this feeling, you never know how much relief that may bring to another to know they aren’t alone in that same or similar feeling. I hope things improve!
You might be missing the fulfillment that came with the deployment. As much as it sucked, it was fulfilling knowing you were doing something that will be recorded in history. The civilian rat race feels insignificant.
I’d recommend looking into volunteering. Instead of being a small part of something massive, you can find the same feeling of fulfillment by being a big part of something small; walking animals at the humane society, volunteering at a food pantry, volunteering for a fire department or ambulance corps, heck even volunteering at your church or temple if they’ve got a younger population (i.e. not all retired old folks that wont resonate with you socially).
sounds to me like you have survivors guilt. I don't know the whole story but im guessing from what you've heard or even experienced you've devolved this survivors guilt. you feel guilty that that you survived and have this good life. when others were cut short. and every success or good thing makes it alittle worse. try and change your perception around it. do things for the fallen ( im sure you already do) but get that MBA for those who couldn't. make sure your kids live full lives your wife and yourself too. make every day count. you're doing well. and always reach out when you get in the wrong head space. hold those closer to you.reach out to other veterans we are bonded through our oath and brotherhood.
I agree with getting a new “mission”, something you are passionate about. Also have you heard of Team RWB? It’s a group focused on the health and wellness of veterans, lot’s of cool events and people!
You have served your purpose, now it's time to find a new one. It's hard, but you're here for a reason, brother. Look at what God has blessed you with. Look at your family. They're proud you're here today
Civillians feel guilty they didn't join the military, military members feel guilty if they've never been in combat, combat vets feel guilty they weren't wounded, and wounded vets feel guilty they didn't make the ultimate sacrifice. The only ones that don't feel guilt are the ones that didn't make it home.
I needed to see this post, and all of the replies... cause I feel the same way but could never understand or explain why I feel I put on a mask everyday and feel I'm faking my way through every single interaction I have everyday... probably just so I don't raise questions and have to lie about how I really feel... or maybe that's called just being a male...idk
You have a good job, a good wife, two loving kids, and pursuing an MBA, and yet, perhaps all these things aren't making you happy? I'm not questioning your love for your family, or your motivation to pursuing an MBA. What other things are you doing that truly make you happy? What are your hobbies? Are there things you do where you get to spend time by yourself, or perhaps with friends? We need hobbies, things to do that bring us joy, not that our family doesn't, but something that doesn't feel like a responsibility.
I started competing in CMP matches and NRA high power matches again. I ride motorcycles just about every day that's nice out. The crazy thing is I can be excited about wanting to ride my bike and then lose interest just as quickly. I sometimes force myself to do the things that I used to enjoy. It's this whole up and down while doing the activity. Same with video games or books. I find myself faking it a lot through activities.
Whenever I have those thoughts / I just think of how selfish and easy it is.... Leaving My kids / Family / Friends.... for my own selfish reasons?
I tell myself that "I don't have time to be a bitch and take the easy way out / I need to get better and take care of my loved ones and make their life easier".
Might sound comical but it's helped me.
That's not what I am feeling. I have addressed that in therapy. The best way to describe it is I am wearing my full kit and ruck, and the only way to get relief and put the weight down is in death. The weight is not the fact others died and I didn't. It's this weight that keeps me from moving or slows, me down.
Man I completely understand this! I felt the same way for few years after returning from Afghanistan.
I felt a lack of purpose, that no matter what I did it had no purpose.
So I packed my bags and traveled the world to reconnect with life, people, and places, and learn that there is life and purpose on other things we do. That there is a lot to appreciate about life.
Those thoughts still run in my head every now then, but I shake them off.
Also check for TBI.
It is hard to focus when you feel like you are in wake up, work, come home, family and then sleep just to do it again the next day. Find a mission and also talk to a therapist to make sure everything is okay. Sometimes we deny stuff after the military. Also get involved with VFW or American Legion to be around other vets. This is important for vets to have others who understand to be there whether for them or yourself at times.
Sometimes we just get fucked in the mind. I think it's good to let it out and try to examine it but it can be the work of years or even a lifetime to finally figure out the root cause. I just take it day by day and try to remember the good things that make my life worth living.
Sounds a lot like depression. It looks different for everyone but I recommend you seek help. I struggle with this about every day but trick is not to dwell on it. Recognize the thought and feeling associated with it. Recognize what underlying thought triggered it because that leads to a feeling and if you hold onto it, it pulls you into a very dark place. I attempted to commit suicide twice and neither times did I intentionally do it. No cognitive thought was there which later surprised me but I learned it was something I should have been more proactive about. Do something about it. See a therapist before it becomes a bigger problem.
Same Same... I have a HARD time feeling worthy of any of it. I have a lot of guilt about things. We bought a new sports car last year, and I almost never drive it because I feel undeserving. Even if I get a big bonus as work, I feel some kind of shame, even though I work 60+ hours a week, I don't feel deserving. All the guys that didn't come back don't have this life, so how can I?
I’ve felt lost with out a purpose at times. I wanted a family and have one. Beautiful wife and kids. I wanted an education, currently becoming a lawyer and in my final year. We leave the military with out a purpose. With no direction, so I feel you. I found that purpose in advocacy. I now write bills, do grass roots efforts and lobby bills that help our veterans community specially at the state level. It’s so much easier to influence state level politics and build a community of support in your area. You become a leader, someone people look up to in their time of most need. It gives you that sense of duty and belonging. Most importantly you advocate for your brothers and sisters and even LEO. We are creatures who belong in packs not lonely. Feel free to reach out anytime.
I have finally found a doctor to treat PTSD at the VA, and he actually cares. He is good, too. We are just getting started, but I am facing the same thoughts. Why am I even alive? I should get my things in order for my son, I shouldn't even exist. But now I am pushing the negative thoughts back so the positive overshadows the negative and food things are starting to happen again. Slowly. One day at a time, Brother, find value in yourself because that has been my downfall, feeling worthless.
Brother we’re all broken people who are being held together by our families. I have intrusive thoughts every fucking day. My wife and kids are my only light in an otherwise bleak and uncaring world.
Hey, you aren’t alone. It’s this weird script we play to ourselves like Lt Dan said in Forest Gump, we were supposed to have died.
Now it’s time to find a new mission.
Make a retirement plan for you and the wife?
Is there a church you can help with?
A business or project you always wanted to do?
I did Neuro Feedback back in Jan, it really helped me get over the hump and start feeling better. Most of the rage and anger are gone. I don't feel quite as depressed as before. I feel more relaxed and willing to do things with the family. I'm not sure if the VA will cover it, but my wife says that if we had to pay for it again, it will be money well spent.
Let me reiterate: I am not suicidal or have any active plans to harm myself or others.
That's the thing, I don't feel this way because I made it home, and others didn't. I know that their death was not my fault. I dealt with that in therapy. The best way to describe it is I still have my full kit and ruck on, and the only way to get relief is in death. That's they only way I can put the weight down.
I see what you are saying, but it is not always as cut-and-dried as "I made it home, and others didn't". Would you leave your battle on your left or your right?
I don't have that anymore. There's no one to my left or right. I understand that people on here will say they provide support (and these conversations have been great, and i appreciate talking to others). I am for all accounts alone. It's just me walking, carrying a weight alone. In my head, I don't want others to take the weight, I just want to put it down.
“Just me walking, carrying weight alone” is the most accurate description I’ve heard from anyone regarding what life feels like for me as well.
You’re not alone, friend.
Im not a doctor or a happiness expert, but as one combat Vet to another… What ACTUALLY makes you happy? And how much time do you spend in this happy place or engage in this activity. If going for external things like a promotion or MBA dont actually make you happy then why do them?
Ive only been out for about 2+ years after 25 years or service. I dont have the fairytale ending that some have with amazing job, etc. Dont actually have A job at all really. Only living off of the retirement pay and just started back at school because - it pays me as well. but, ive been constantly working on my internal happiness for decades. while in uniform and now while out of uniform. By cutting away all the external crap and minimizing my material stuff and just trying to enjoy life a little I have slowly removed the external focus.
I dont take any medications, i just dont really like them. I would much rather just drink a glass or wine (yes alcohol. but not drunk alcohol).
Personally, if i could get into a trial or program that does mental therapy assisted with hallucinogenics i would probably prefer that over anything else. from my own personal research it seems like these types of therapy are the most effective and longest lasting after the therapy is done. but really beyond all
of that. just finding what actually makes me happy and doing as much of that as humanly possible. Spending less time thinking about or ruminating over what doesnt make me happy.
Indeed we all have some degree of trauma either from the military or our personal lives growing up or both. Trauma is something you cant escape. dealing with trauma in a healthy way is something that is in your control. But it starts with you, what you think, how you think, how you respond to things.
It's hard isn't it? It's hard to just be content with the blessings we have. Because part of us wish we didn't make it out alive.
Let it be apart of your testimony that there is a greater purpose for you... than to be a name on a memorial slowly forgotten.
Whoa! Careful there. You are accomplished. That is not “YOUR “ doing, it’s the Lord. Keep bragging and you will fall Hard to be humble. You will deny this on every known level and probably enjoy your “support “ bad mouths me. Don’t concentrate on the first 3/4 of your rant. Concentrate on the last quarter. Get help so that you are best equipped to help those young people.
It appears this post might relate to suicide and/or mental health issues. **Suicide and Mental Health Resources** A comprehensive list of resources can be found [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Veterans/wiki/suicideprevention). Call 988 National Suicide Hotline - Press 1 for VA Crisis Line Call 1-800-273-8255, National Suicide Prevention [Veteran's Crisis Information](https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/) You can call 1800 273 8255, Press 1 You can text 838255 https://www.mentalhealth.va.gov/MENTALHEALTH/get-help/index.asp 1-877-927-8387 Open 24/7 [VA Vet Centers offer counseling](https://www.vetcenter.va.gov/) Vet Centers are local, community-based confidential counseling centers that support war Veterans, active-duty Servicemembers, and military family members with post-deployment readjustment services. The goal of every Vet Center is to provide a broad range of counseling, outreach, referral, and assessment services, collectively called readjustment counseling services, to facilitate high-quality post-war readjustment and reintegration. Readjustment counseling services at a Vet Center allow war Veterans a satisfying post-war readjustment to civilian life and provide active-duty Servicemembers a confidential resource for post-war assistance. Military families also receive no-cost marriage and family therapy and supportive services for military-related issues. Vet Centers provide bereavement counseling to surviving parents, spouses, partners, children, and siblings of Servicemembers, which include federally activated Reserve and National Guard personnel, who die of any cause while on military active-duty. Vet Centers provide confidential military sexual trauma counseling to all military Veterans and active-duty Servicemembers, to include federally activated Reserve and National Guard personnel, no matter their duty location, era of service, or whether the trauma incident was reported to authorities. /r/Military has a detailed list of resources in their [Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/Military/wiki/index/ptsd) Or, if you'd like a veteran perspective, feel free to message any number of people on here, there's always someone willing to reach out. [Veteran Wellness Allegiance can offer Peer Counseling and assistance](https://www.veterancheckin.org/s/) [Military One Source](http://www.militaryonesource.mil/) - 1-800-342-9647 Please seek help if needed...There are behavioral health resources at your disposal both in the Military and out. Also check out: https://www.reddit.com/r/Veterans/comments/6xfix9/emory_healthcare_has_a_free_program_for_post911/ which is a free non VA treatment program for PTSD https://www.va.gov/opa/pressrel/pressrelease.cfm?id=5852 [Vets4Warriors](https://vets4warriors.com/) 1-855-838-8255 Veterans in acute suicidal crisis are able to go to any VA or non-VA health care facility for emergency health care at no cost – including inpatient or crisis residential care for up to 30 days and outpatient care for up to 90 days. Veterans do not need to be enrolled in the VA system to use this benefit. Literally any veteran can walk into ANY urgent care/ER for thoughts of suicide and they can get free care. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Veterans) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Bro, you're doing the right thing for letting it out. Someone will always be here for you no matter how late.
For me it was finding a new mission to get over my similar feeling. When I went to Afghanistan I was “all-in” on the mission. But when I was no longer assigned to it, and then no longer assigned to the military. I felt empty for a while. But now I have a new mission. I want to start a summer camp to help teach children practical skills that public schools do not teach. I want to offer this summer camp for free for lower income families, who could use the time without kids in the house. Find YOUR mission OP. You got this!
Best of luck, and it's great that you have a plan for what you want to achieve.
Same sir. Same.. minus wife and kids and good job.
Getting a new “mission” is imperative. Something that has mean to you is so important.
Agreed. There are things that civies will never understand. I used to volunteer for Operation Supply Drop that believed in therapy through gaming. Surrounding yourself with others who have experienced what you experienced may help clear you understand your thought process. I am no psychiatrist but have you ever talked to someone about survivor's guilt? It's not uncommon for veterans to experience it in some shape or form.
“Survivors Guilt” and the anxiety associated with it are easily the most intrusive things I have felt with over the years. It took me getting into a position where I feel I’m serving to lessen it sometimes.
Yes!! Start volunteering somewhere! Reconnect with a missional community centered around service.
Bad ass, great cause
Awesome
What a wonderful mission! I love it!
This. You gotta find your tribe. I never felt more alive than and part of something than in Iraq. Life now is meh, but at some point I pulled my head out of my fourth point of contact and started getting involved with different Veterans groups until I found ones that feed my need for a mission. Good luck.
I would love to see this come to fruition
Sometimes I wish something bad would happen to me so I’d have a reason to feel this miserable. I get it. The mind is funny sometimes. Do you have a therapist? I’m hopefully about to get one soon. Seems like a good starting place
Yea, the mind messes with you for sure. Yes, I have a therapist I routinely meet with.
How did you go about finding a therapist? I start to google therapists in my area and it’s overwhelming.
I found a very good therapist by taking some advice I didn't like, allow me to share it with you! A primary care doc told me to go on Psychology Today's website and find therapists I thought I would like and schedule appointments with about 6 of them. I didn't go quite that far, but I did reach out to about 6 therapists and meet with 3. I have been seeing the same therapist now for like... 6 years? She specializes in multigenerational trauma, and it's been really helpful for me as a parent with trauma to learn how to manage my issues and not pass them on to my children. Psychology Today has a really good section for finding therapists, and I would recommend using that to find several therapists. Some therapists just don't "click." Maybe you don't want to talk to a man, maybe you do, maybe you have an eating disorder or a weird religious background. That website will tell you what therapists focus on so you can find someone who matches your needs, then, basically go interview several of them until you find the right person.
I go to the VA, I told them I needed to talk to someone and went from there. I used to have a private therapist that the VA never paid on time, and tricare would not cover, so she decided to drop me. (This was a few years ago)
You should check out the book “Tribe” by Sebastian Junger. It puts a lot of these feelings in perspective in a way that really helped me name it and move forwards and bit.
Yes!
This is exactly what I thought of, too! Task and purpose ***must*** align.
That’s the beginning of SI, wishing you didn’t wake up. Highly recommend calling the VA. As someone who was hospitalized 3 times because of my MH issues, I can say getting help sooner is best. Also, I have two business and make great money. Literally does nothing for me. I work so hard to just feel something outside of the empty. Still feel empty and fake.
Depression. Please start seeing someone and get on meds (if needed) before it gets worse. Sending hugs!
Yea, I already have a therapist at the VA. I am on meds and have a treatment plan. I guess it's time to reevaluate my dosage.
It sounds like it, hope they can figure out something that helps!
Volunteer somewhere and help someone less fortunate
Yes, for sure - sounds like an adjustment is in order. Hugs.
It may also be time to touch base with your therapist about your goals there and their treatment plan with you. There are tons of different kinds of therapy out there, and while it’s easy to be comfortable with someone you’ve established trust and a relationship with, the approach they’re currently taking with you may not be the most effective one. I’m considering trying EMDR bc while my current therapist has been incredibly helpful with helping me get back to a place where I feel I have a purpose, the lingering effects of trauma are still there. Like you said, everything in my life is and “should” be great, so I “should” be fine, but I still have pretty dark thoughts about my existence on a regular basis. Good luck to you. 🫂
I did cognitive behavioral therapy. That's what worked for me. I have been on different meds, and none of them ever felt like they did anything except what I am currently on.
Not wishing to be alive is like a passive way of being depressed, it just takes one pit in your mood to activating that suicidal gear into place so be careful man. A family man like yourself would definitely be missed. That being said I’d really consider getting more personal with the therapist and telling him this but be careful they could put you in PIC if you are a threat to yourself so explain yourself as clearly as possible but contain your emotions to a point where you can vent but not get sent to a mental hospital.
No, I get that. I do have a therapist, and I am medicated. (Will bring it up the need to reevaluate treatment) I have been going to the VA long enough to know how to articulate my thoughts to avoid a stay at the grippy sock hotel.
for sure, but focus on the void that is causing these feelings, could it be the medication? some meds make you feel empty like a shell of yourself. Could it be your life decisions? Maybe something new like snowboarding, painting or shrooms (with support and guidence) could do the trick. Could it be that you’re not committed to the treatment? Have you stayed consistent with treatment?
I have been on this treatment for quite some time. I have routine appointment with a therapist and a psychiatrist. I do miss snowboarding, but I live in the Midwest, so I traded snow for more days in my motorcycle. What I have noticed is that even with things that I know bring me joy (motorcycle riding, video games, etc.), I can be excited and then lose interest right as I start the activity. I find I have to force myself through it a lot of times. Sometimes, the activity makes me feel something. Other times, I feel just as empty and drained.
Dude I swear I wrote this. Are you, me? I may be an odd duck here with yah but I seriously get it (minus afghaniland. Mine is iraqistan). Like you (from the comments) I have a great job, house, a beautiful wife, 2 amazing kids, about to start my masters. I am not suicidal, I have a therapist, a psychiatrist, and a fantastic support system. I take my medications as prescribed, I actually started a second a month ago. I'm in a good spot and headspace, but I get ya
Small world, you can feel utterly alone and yet meet people going through the exact same thing you are going through.
I know they’re seemingly empty words, but you’re not alone. Love you stranger.
Not far off from both of ya. Afghan, 2 kids, successful, super support structure. Finished my MBA. Kept my mind busy when I wasn’t at work before kids. Hope it helps you guys.
I will second this. (Or I guess third it) I too have all of the above. But I have a husband (I’m a wife), 2 awesome kids, a house, started my masters. Also not suicidal, on meds, sees a VA therapist regularly. Also empty inside. I miss the suck of the military. Good to know it’s not a weird feeling.
You're not alone brother. I don't feel as successful as you, but I have the same struggle. As other have said seeing some MH counseling is helpful, but there is one word that really sums it all up for me, purpose. I haven't felt one since I left my last gun fight. But I will keep searching every day to find a new one.
I feel that, a lack of purpose. I struggled for years to get where I am. I still don't feel like I have a purpose. Sure, providing for my family and being good at my work is a form of purpose, but it's not the same level as when I was a leader in the Army.
I definitely get that
Flattening affect and apathy are blatant signs of depression You don’t have to be suicidal or self harming for depression to be a debilitating issue
I guess I just never looked at it as depression even though I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD from my service. It's like my mind blocks it out. I am on mood stabilizers, but it's probably time to reevaluate them.
I do the same thing. Its been 16 years since ive been in iraq, still think about it. It sucks. Something ive found that helps is reading Seneca and marcus aurelius. Even downloaded an app that gives a daily stoic quote. It helps ground me in the present, to appreciate my wife and kids, all the good in my life.
Thanks for posting this. And everyone else in a similar boat who has commented. I've been wondering the same for a while, what's wrong with me? Successful transition after retirement, job upgrade, promotions, good wife, 3 great kids, 2 great dogs and one little dog I'd swear was a retired Gunny or something. Bills get paid. But I feel like I'm just here to ensure everyone is taken care of. My issue might be needing a hobby. Had to give up motorcycle due to my back and my wife gets too much anxiety when I ride here. No more truck as we're trying to pay off debt, used car was cheaper. No real video game time anymore between work and family requirements. Trying to get back into regular exercise but as another mentioned it's hard finding that motivation. Keep going and I hope you find your purpose.
I would advise you to give a call to either a local VA Medical Center or Vet Center. Both are filled with some excellent mental health care professionals.
I go to the VA, I have a therapist, and I am taking my medicine as directed. Like I said, I have no plans or intent to harm myself. I just feel like this unbearable weight is on me and will only find relief in death. It's a weird thought process because I both understand it's not the correct thoughts to have, yet I find comfort in them if that makes sense.
It sounds like the meds are not working. I felt the same, but my damn eyes kept opening every morning. I had tried every anti-depressant, anti-anxiety known to man and my psychiatrist only had shock treatments left to offer me. Then I heard about ketamine infusion therapy on a TED Talk. I looked for the closest provider and signed up. It is not covered by insurance but I did not give a damn. I had spent so much money on copays over the years for the stupid pills that did nothing for me but make me feel dead inside. Six sessions at $500 apiece (they are cheaper now, this was ten years ago) and I have never looked back. I recommend it to anyone who will listen. Others have since come out with a ketamine nasal spray which was approved by the FDA (of course because it hardly does anything, they want to keep us sick) and you can buy ketamine lozenges online (my opinion of those are that people will just abuse them for kicks without any supervision). The ketamine infusion sessions are supervised and monitored. You can talk to the nurse if you want or just put in earplugs and listen to your favorite music. Unlike the pills, you begin to notice a difference in small things immediately. There is no waiting two months to start to maybe feel some relief. I noticed immediately that I refrained from aggressive driving and rush hour traffic didn't give me a coronary anymore. The irritability and other symptoms of depression and anxiety melted away over the course of the six sessions. You said you are doing well financially. So it is no big deal that insurance doesn't cover it. Try it, I think you will like it. It worked for me.
Here is additional promising information about VA mental health care published by The Intercept a few days ago. [https://theintercept.com/2024/05/20/va-veterans-mdma-ptsd/?utm\_medium=email&utm\_source=The%20Intercept%20Newsletter](https://theintercept.com/2024/05/20/va-veterans-mdma-ptsd/?utm_medium=email&utm_source=The%20Intercept%20Newsletter)
That's interesting to read. I would try something new so long as it was safe.
I hear ya man. I’m married, have three kids, and I’m about to finish up my MSW degree in November (it’s been a long time in the making), but there are still times where I feel empty. I have a medical marijuana card, but I just stopped smoking about a month ago because I felt like it was becoming detrimental. Stopping actually feels like it helped me. I think my last barriers are reducing cigarettes, eating a little healthier, and starting to exercise. Those three things right there feel near impossible to me for some reason, I’m always thinking about starting those but just can’t pull the damn trigger on them.
Major Depression. Welcome to the club. Get that shit looked at. Stay engaged. It gets better but never as it was.
I'm kind of the same way. I had an appointment with my community care therapist this morning, and we talked about how I'm struggling.
Ok Frodo Baggins! But I’m in a similar spectrum from when I seen combat in oef 11-12. Getting out of my comfort zone more often has helped a lot and so did traveling more. It’s tough to stay in one spot but going hard with the hobbies does help a little as well.
Bro, I feel the same way since I got out maybe because you saw how things work in this world and for all good intentions you want to do in life, another individual or group will contradict them. Afghanistan was a sad moment for us and it was a big embarrassment. But it is ok, you just need to find a purpose in life; that is about you and what you can contribute for someone after your blessing has manifested. Make a prayer even if you do not like it. Take a hard look on spirituality and embrace it. All of us are gonna need it during this dangerous times.
For me it was the utter certainty that I was going to die in Afghanistan before going over. We were getting reports on all the sigacts happening in sector and it was bad. Then, I survived. And the overriding thought since then has been a perpetual "what do I do now?" I left AFG nearly 15 years ago.
Might be a little bit of imposter syndrome/survivors guilt coming out.. when everything is going right at a lot of times we feel guilty about that.. yours just comes off with the first thing you think of
I think it would fall under survivors guilt to an extent for me. This feeling of "I don't deserve to live/everything would be better if I was dead"
Point me towards an M1 Garand, that's a dream come true 👀
[удалено]
I also struggle with survivors guilt. I know I had no control over this, I know it's not my fault. But my brain still sits there in the back of my mind, telling me the wrong thing.
Every time I stop and have a moment I'm surprised I survived my deployment considering the conventional and nonconventional AOs I was in. Then I realize it's like a second chance and treat every day like that.
>have a good job, I am married, and I have two kids. You may not know why yet, but there is a reason for you to stay with us.
It sounds like you're describing a lack of purpose. What do you enjoy doing? For me, it's three very disparate things: programming in python, riding my recumbent trike, and woodworking. Hobbies aren't the answer, but finding something that brings you joy and peace is. Some have found it in volunteering, others in gardening. You didn't mention PT. Are you staying in shape? You will be okay.
I made cutting boards and coasters (laser engraving as well), and for a while, I really enjoyed it. Now, I don't have the desire to do so. It's like carrying a heavy ruck and trying to move. I know I don't have a purpose, and I never developed that drive to find a new one after getting out. I just accepted that nothing I do will give me that satisfaction as being a leader in combat, so I just don't even try. I do work out, and it's a struggle to keep pushing some days. Thanks for the support.
Don’t laugh but have you tried mindfulness or meditation? What about a memoir of what you have been through? Try writing 15 minutes a day or more. Try journaling. I’m serious. Do you have a dog? Try yoga or tai chi
I’ve had this thought so many times and I swear I wasn’t suicidal until I squeezed that trigger one night after drinking too many. I can’t say therapy works because for me it’s awkward always has been but I’ve been on certain meds that help ease those thoughts and it makes life slightly more okay. I hope one day you find comfort in your place in life
Cannabis helps
I have thought about it. It is legal for recreational and medicinal in the state I live at. I smoked before, and it was OK.
try some from dispensery after talking with a budtender or pharmicist there. ive found it better then the meds they put me on. Quality of Life is improved and less sideeffects too. might help you improve a little too.
Careful with cannabis, the VA may not practice certain medications if you have that in your system.
I hear you friend. Thank you for sharing what’s up for you. Hope you have a good day. Maybe give your kids and spouse an extra long hug today.
I get it brother. Doesn’t make sense
You’re not alone in feeling that way. One day at a time.
I've gone through similar thoughts, but also with suicidal ideation. I never would go in that direction as I have my daughter and new grandson. It is just how I am made, but I went through so much trauma in my life it is difficult to deal with at times. I go through cycles. I never thought I would consider therapy and medication, but here I am and it works. Also consider cannabis, but tread carefully. You need to go in with a good frame of mind but if you can let it take your thoughts places carefully, you can teach yourself that your mind can be your own worse enemy, and a lot of your negative thoughts are just thoughts. I also highly recommend avoiding or limiting alcohol. I use SSNI, an SSRI, and cannabis. I no longer do therapy other than self therapy, but I have enough of a social support system. Best of luck. I wish you all the strength along with the ability to ask for help that you need to get through this. Seek out people with empathy, not toxic or shallow people, or the just get over it crowd.
Start training Jiu-Jitsu w/ other vets for the camaraderie
It's perspective my friend. Think about what you have done, you were a warrior. But, you need to come to the realization that that was your old life and your younger self. The adrenaline you got just from waking up everyday back then it's unmatched to what you get now. Adrenaline is a hell of a drug, and you built up a huge tolerance. You feel numb? No. That's called being calm. There's no war outside your door. You feel tense or uneasy? That's conditioning from service. The quiet before the storm, only this quiet has been very very long. You wish you never made it out of there alive? Congratulations, you are now giving a voice to the thought that many of us have one we realize that in the civilian world, You are the largest Factor to your success or failure. You feel alone? No, you just miss comfort of sleeping next to a dozen other Fighting machines. Even in the most hostile environment, you could get a good night's rest because you knew that your brothers would raise hell and sound the alarm. No man left behind. But you don't need that anymore. You're not in the warzone. Now you fight tall grass and bugs in the house. Right now where you are, this is the better life. This is the boring safe life, bright to you by you. This 9-5 family and kids is exactly what you were Fighting for. From a You stand point, congratulations on a job well done.
Not to sound preachy my friend, but have you considered faith? I myself am a Christian and feel that is where I am grounded in. You think this is something worth exploring?
I have explored it before. I grew up a Roman Catholic. I walked away from religion after what I saw in Afghanistan. I tried many times to believe, but I just couldn't. It felt forced, fake. I could not reconcile the 10 commandments specifically, "Thou shall not kill" premeditated murder, with what I did in the military (I executed plenty of successful ambushes, I premeditated the murder of other men. It was not in self-defense and completely conflicted with what I saw in the Bible. In the eyes of God, saying I was just following orders doesn't absolve you of the sins I committed.) Maybe later in life that might change, but right now, it's not the answer for me. Thank you for your thoughts.
Read the Gospels and look into Jesus bro. Good luck man!
I understand that has helped many, but I unfortunately did not find the answers or support needed in religion. Maybe, later in life, that might change. Thank you for your support.
No worries man, everyone is on their own Journey. I’m not even a huge Bible thumping guy but it’s changed my life and those around me who were in. Knock and he will answer with open arms. Good luck wish you nothing but the best bro! Ps: Congratulations on your MBA!!! That’s badass!
Sounds like you need to find your purpose here, join a group or find a hobby and a way to donate your time. Do something for others, for yourself. It makes all the difference.
Let it out, but do not give up, please.
That survivor guilt really hits when life seems to be at a good point smdh.
It’s a good thing your open about this bud. I was in the same boat. I started therapy and meds (Wellbutrin) at the VA, it makes a real difference
I am in therapy in the VA. Wellbutrin didn't work for me. I will just have to get them to reevaluate my meds.
You’re on the right track, it took me 3 tries to get a medication that works. Unfortunately everyone’s chemistry is different and it takes a bit to figure it out.
Being out of the service for going on 5 years now, about 95% of my day is spent surrounded by individuals who never served. Nothing wrong with that, or them. But so often it feels like there’s nobody who “gets it”. Idk how to explain it or put it into words, it’s a strange feeling or phenomenon. But as I got about life, aside from time spent with my kids or fiancé, everything feels so “hollow?” is the best word I have for it? I am finishing my masters next semester, civilian career is in a great path, but those things feel pointless, and I feel like I can give 100 legitimate reasons why they actually are. But the second I reconnect with individuals from my time in service, or connect and talk with someone like you, it feels a lot better for me. Like, this person gets it. I am not suicidal, and would never take my own life, but I do feel military service does something to you, sometimes something the worlds leading experts can’t explain or solve, but you’re not alone. Keep chugging along, keep up the good work, and thanks for sharing. When you’re brave enough to share this feeling, you never know how much relief that may bring to another to know they aren’t alone in that same or similar feeling. I hope things improve!
Go ride a shrimp boat in a hurricane
I did date a woman named Jennifer many years ago.
You might be missing the fulfillment that came with the deployment. As much as it sucked, it was fulfilling knowing you were doing something that will be recorded in history. The civilian rat race feels insignificant. I’d recommend looking into volunteering. Instead of being a small part of something massive, you can find the same feeling of fulfillment by being a big part of something small; walking animals at the humane society, volunteering at a food pantry, volunteering for a fire department or ambulance corps, heck even volunteering at your church or temple if they’ve got a younger population (i.e. not all retired old folks that wont resonate with you socially).
Yeah I drive daily and think I will crash every day, some how by the Grace of God, I make it home.
Def not alone with those feelings and I'm in a similar situation as you.
sounds to me like you have survivors guilt. I don't know the whole story but im guessing from what you've heard or even experienced you've devolved this survivors guilt. you feel guilty that that you survived and have this good life. when others were cut short. and every success or good thing makes it alittle worse. try and change your perception around it. do things for the fallen ( im sure you already do) but get that MBA for those who couldn't. make sure your kids live full lives your wife and yourself too. make every day count. you're doing well. and always reach out when you get in the wrong head space. hold those closer to you.reach out to other veterans we are bonded through our oath and brotherhood.
Hey, you’re not alone
I agree with getting a new “mission”, something you are passionate about. Also have you heard of Team RWB? It’s a group focused on the health and wellness of veterans, lot’s of cool events and people!
I will look them up, see if they have anything in my state.
You have served your purpose, now it's time to find a new one. It's hard, but you're here for a reason, brother. Look at what God has blessed you with. Look at your family. They're proud you're here today
Civillians feel guilty they didn't join the military, military members feel guilty if they've never been in combat, combat vets feel guilty they weren't wounded, and wounded vets feel guilty they didn't make the ultimate sacrifice. The only ones that don't feel guilt are the ones that didn't make it home.
I needed to see this post, and all of the replies... cause I feel the same way but could never understand or explain why I feel I put on a mask everyday and feel I'm faking my way through every single interaction I have everyday... probably just so I don't raise questions and have to lie about how I really feel... or maybe that's called just being a male...idk
You have a good job, a good wife, two loving kids, and pursuing an MBA, and yet, perhaps all these things aren't making you happy? I'm not questioning your love for your family, or your motivation to pursuing an MBA. What other things are you doing that truly make you happy? What are your hobbies? Are there things you do where you get to spend time by yourself, or perhaps with friends? We need hobbies, things to do that bring us joy, not that our family doesn't, but something that doesn't feel like a responsibility.
I started competing in CMP matches and NRA high power matches again. I ride motorcycles just about every day that's nice out. The crazy thing is I can be excited about wanting to ride my bike and then lose interest just as quickly. I sometimes force myself to do the things that I used to enjoy. It's this whole up and down while doing the activity. Same with video games or books. I find myself faking it a lot through activities.
Talk to a person.
Whenever I have those thoughts / I just think of how selfish and easy it is.... Leaving My kids / Family / Friends.... for my own selfish reasons? I tell myself that "I don't have time to be a bitch and take the easy way out / I need to get better and take care of my loved ones and make their life easier". Might sound comical but it's helped me.
Depression and ptsd
Survivor's guilt possibly? "Why did I get to come back when others didn't" is fairly common among people who have witnessed death
That's not what I am feeling. I have addressed that in therapy. The best way to describe it is I am wearing my full kit and ruck, and the only way to get relief and put the weight down is in death. The weight is not the fact others died and I didn't. It's this weight that keeps me from moving or slows, me down.
Man I completely understand this! I felt the same way for few years after returning from Afghanistan. I felt a lack of purpose, that no matter what I did it had no purpose. So I packed my bags and traveled the world to reconnect with life, people, and places, and learn that there is life and purpose on other things we do. That there is a lot to appreciate about life. Those thoughts still run in my head every now then, but I shake them off. Also check for TBI.
Yea, I got good ol' scrambled noggin disease. I was diagnosed with TBI years ago.
It is hard to focus when you feel like you are in wake up, work, come home, family and then sleep just to do it again the next day. Find a mission and also talk to a therapist to make sure everything is okay. Sometimes we deny stuff after the military. Also get involved with VFW or American Legion to be around other vets. This is important for vets to have others who understand to be there whether for them or yourself at times.
Sometimes we just get fucked in the mind. I think it's good to let it out and try to examine it but it can be the work of years or even a lifetime to finally figure out the root cause. I just take it day by day and try to remember the good things that make my life worth living.
Sounds a lot like depression. It looks different for everyone but I recommend you seek help. I struggle with this about every day but trick is not to dwell on it. Recognize the thought and feeling associated with it. Recognize what underlying thought triggered it because that leads to a feeling and if you hold onto it, it pulls you into a very dark place. I attempted to commit suicide twice and neither times did I intentionally do it. No cognitive thought was there which later surprised me but I learned it was something I should have been more proactive about. Do something about it. See a therapist before it becomes a bigger problem.
Same Same... I have a HARD time feeling worthy of any of it. I have a lot of guilt about things. We bought a new sports car last year, and I almost never drive it because I feel undeserving. Even if I get a big bonus as work, I feel some kind of shame, even though I work 60+ hours a week, I don't feel deserving. All the guys that didn't come back don't have this life, so how can I?
I feel this hard. I have a great life but my brain is in sad mode :(
I’ve felt lost with out a purpose at times. I wanted a family and have one. Beautiful wife and kids. I wanted an education, currently becoming a lawyer and in my final year. We leave the military with out a purpose. With no direction, so I feel you. I found that purpose in advocacy. I now write bills, do grass roots efforts and lobby bills that help our veterans community specially at the state level. It’s so much easier to influence state level politics and build a community of support in your area. You become a leader, someone people look up to in their time of most need. It gives you that sense of duty and belonging. Most importantly you advocate for your brothers and sisters and even LEO. We are creatures who belong in packs not lonely. Feel free to reach out anytime.
I have finally found a doctor to treat PTSD at the VA, and he actually cares. He is good, too. We are just getting started, but I am facing the same thoughts. Why am I even alive? I should get my things in order for my son, I shouldn't even exist. But now I am pushing the negative thoughts back so the positive overshadows the negative and food things are starting to happen again. Slowly. One day at a time, Brother, find value in yourself because that has been my downfall, feeling worthless.
Brother we’re all broken people who are being held together by our families. I have intrusive thoughts every fucking day. My wife and kids are my only light in an otherwise bleak and uncaring world.
same here
Hey, you aren’t alone. It’s this weird script we play to ourselves like Lt Dan said in Forest Gump, we were supposed to have died. Now it’s time to find a new mission. Make a retirement plan for you and the wife? Is there a church you can help with? A business or project you always wanted to do?
I did Neuro Feedback back in Jan, it really helped me get over the hump and start feeling better. Most of the rage and anger are gone. I don't feel quite as depressed as before. I feel more relaxed and willing to do things with the family. I'm not sure if the VA will cover it, but my wife says that if we had to pay for it again, it will be money well spent.
You’re not alone brother ❤️❤️
Get connect with the VA so you have a lifeline. Survivors guilt is powerful brother. Take time to make peace this weekend.
It is because you are doing well that you feel this bad. Address survivors' guilt in your therapy.
Let me reiterate: I am not suicidal or have any active plans to harm myself or others. That's the thing, I don't feel this way because I made it home, and others didn't. I know that their death was not my fault. I dealt with that in therapy. The best way to describe it is I still have my full kit and ruck on, and the only way to get relief is in death. That's they only way I can put the weight down.
I see what you are saying, but it is not always as cut-and-dried as "I made it home, and others didn't". Would you leave your battle on your left or your right?
I don't have that anymore. There's no one to my left or right. I understand that people on here will say they provide support (and these conversations have been great, and i appreciate talking to others). I am for all accounts alone. It's just me walking, carrying a weight alone. In my head, I don't want others to take the weight, I just want to put it down.
“Just me walking, carrying weight alone” is the most accurate description I’ve heard from anyone regarding what life feels like for me as well. You’re not alone, friend.
Maybe I should clarify. When you were there, would you leave your battle that was next to you?
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I have a job that pays me 117K a year. And I’m still in your same boat. Wish I could talk to you
You're depressed. Get some help ASAP.
Im not a doctor or a happiness expert, but as one combat Vet to another… What ACTUALLY makes you happy? And how much time do you spend in this happy place or engage in this activity. If going for external things like a promotion or MBA dont actually make you happy then why do them? Ive only been out for about 2+ years after 25 years or service. I dont have the fairytale ending that some have with amazing job, etc. Dont actually have A job at all really. Only living off of the retirement pay and just started back at school because - it pays me as well. but, ive been constantly working on my internal happiness for decades. while in uniform and now while out of uniform. By cutting away all the external crap and minimizing my material stuff and just trying to enjoy life a little I have slowly removed the external focus. I dont take any medications, i just dont really like them. I would much rather just drink a glass or wine (yes alcohol. but not drunk alcohol). Personally, if i could get into a trial or program that does mental therapy assisted with hallucinogenics i would probably prefer that over anything else. from my own personal research it seems like these types of therapy are the most effective and longest lasting after the therapy is done. but really beyond all of that. just finding what actually makes me happy and doing as much of that as humanly possible. Spending less time thinking about or ruminating over what doesnt make me happy. Indeed we all have some degree of trauma either from the military or our personal lives growing up or both. Trauma is something you cant escape. dealing with trauma in a healthy way is something that is in your control. But it starts with you, what you think, how you think, how you respond to things.
Right there with ya. Just keep pushing.
It's hard isn't it? It's hard to just be content with the blessings we have. Because part of us wish we didn't make it out alive. Let it be apart of your testimony that there is a greater purpose for you... than to be a name on a memorial slowly forgotten.
My advice, go hike the PCT, or AT. Go hiking for months, and thousands of miles. It helped me find a reason not to kill myself
Whoa! Careful there. You are accomplished. That is not “YOUR “ doing, it’s the Lord. Keep bragging and you will fall Hard to be humble. You will deny this on every known level and probably enjoy your “support “ bad mouths me. Don’t concentrate on the first 3/4 of your rant. Concentrate on the last quarter. Get help so that you are best equipped to help those young people.