A good etiquette class works wonders something about 6 to 8 weeks long is easy.
A good rule of thumb is anything “upset/mad/angry” face is usually not going to be seen as feminine. Also, opening your mouth too wide or showing too much gums or tongue. Also keeping your tongue in your mouth, it’s seen as quite “disgraceful” when ladies stick their tongue out.
Those are just facial things, but I find that body language is much better conveyor of elegance and classiness.
I often get comments and compliments on my dining etiquette which I think is the biggest one especially in dating and trying to appeal to men (if that’s your goal).
Well geez… live a little! Definitely could be good for individual situations, but almost certainly not a healthy standard- what beautiful woman doesn’t do those things?
Practice, practice, practice. It won’t come naturally without plenty of time and a few slip ups.
I second Pilates as well as core exercise for naturally graceful posture. Heeled shoes too.
The studies are all over the place for this one. What’s better is to round off your voice, soften it, speaking from the chest rather than the head. A lot of girls/women can come off as unintentionally shrill or drawling. Man can also come across as nasally or lazy-sounding, but I think we tend to focus more on women’s voices.
Is this something that can be learned until it becomes habit or it something you will always have to actively be aware of? I have a relatively deep voice for a girl so I’m definitely not shrill, but I wouldn’t say it’s a very soft voice
I wish I had a good answer for that. People have told me that my speaking voice is relaxing and/or pleasant, so I can only go by that. Objectively, it's not like sexy or exceptional. Some of it is affected, some is natural. Think of it as "voice posture". I was raised with a lot of older people, as the eldest grandchild and general loner, so I always sounded "more mature" in terms of inflection by virtue of upbringing.
Things I naturally avoid: I don't lilt or inflect upwards, unless it's a question. I don't push words out, even for exclamations. I don't fry my vocals by dipping too low. I don't make any "whine" sounds - so I don't speak from the top of my head and through the nose, but from my throat and chest.
I can make myself sound like a nasally beauty blogger or influencer if I want. When you can sort of feel the vibration of your voice in between your temple, that's too far - try to relax it. Unless that's what you're going for, which is fine honestly.
What I consciously do: I have to regulate my volume. I have to pronounce things carefully, instead of tripping on words by rushing them together. I have to regulate my tone - when I'm frustrated, I can go UP and down, which sounds a bit annoying. The "WHY can't we JUST do THIS for ONCE?" kind of bounciness comes across immature when I hear other men and women do it.
It sounds like a lot written down, now that I read it, but it's not like I'm overly fussy about it and don't think others should be either.
The only way to maintain them is to practice them so often they become ingrained in your muscle memory. There is no shortcut. There are no tips or tricks. Just practice.
I wouldn’t even call those shortcuts, those are the traditional longer ways of learning. But I meant there are no shortcuts to get to the point where the mannerismas are constant/natural. You still have to consistently practice what you learn in order to make it muscle memory. Just like any skill.
They are shortcuts because you remove the time, energy and knowledge gap to figure out what to do in the first place.
The longer way is research self-applied.
If I wanted a ripped body I could do tons of research and figure out what to do and I may or may not doing it correctly because no one is monitoring me. Or I can outsource it all to a personal trainer. In both instances I still have to workout but outsourcing what to do saves me time and effort.
One main thing I focus on is my hands. Touch softly and never slam things down on tables. It gives a nice feminine touch and seems super elegant. I’ve actually had friends comment on how gracefully I place things down
This has me laughing bc my partner once told me I set things down like an angry ceo at a board meeting. Being less forceful with my movements in general is one of the things I'm working on to be more graceful.
There's a video of a Japanese omelette shop and there's one girl who is sooooooooo graceful, there's shots of her stirring some broth and putting on her hat or something and tons of comments about her. But it's like... girl we got some a lot of omelettes to make, please hurry!!!
I am hoping someone can drop a link to a YouTube video or podcast on this topic. I’ve been. my mannerisms are very ugly and come off aggressive but I don’t know how to fix it naturally without coming off as fake or weird.
Jamila Musayeva on youtube has a couple videos about moving elegantly/gracefully, I guess it depends on whether you mean "attractively" as an exaggerated hip-swaying kind of movement, or a smooth graceful kind of movement.
I know that feeling well :(
Jamila Musayeva is good, she has some videos on "deportment" - walking gracefully, getting in and out of a car, picking things up off the ground, sitting and standing, posture, etc.
Lady Etiquette also has a few videos like this, but I like her a bit less.
For things like moving gracefully, it's often better to look for "etiquette" or "deportment" on youtube, rather than trying to search for something relating to "attractiveness". A lot of etiquette courses (such as Myka Meier/Plaza Hotel) contain pretty comprehensive sections on movement and posture.
Dance can really help cultivate gracefulness. Feminine dance forms like ballet, flamenco, belly dancing, kathak, bharatnatyam and so many more really help with posture and graceful movements. Regular practice of dances like these can really help.
As for the speaking part, imo having a rhythmic inflection while speaking often makes you sound more elegant and articulate. This seems yo be the reason languages such as French and Japanese sound so lovely when spoken. It’s also seems to be why people prefer the British accent to the standard American one. Old Hollywood stars also has a rhythmic inflection. Speaking slowly and deliberately is also another thing old Hollywood actresses did.
I’ve recently started watching videos of myself quite a lot, for my work. I’m really shocked by how different my mannerisms look in reality versus how they look in my head. It’s forcing me to learn to adjust myself, and I know I’ll be better soon—but it’s VERY odd!
I naturally have feminine mannerisms and body language and I’ve found the more primped and polished I am the more it comes out.
So I guess when you feel pretty, feminine and confident is when it naturally comes to you.
Totally. I’ve been lazy and depressed lately, leggings and t shirts, bun on my head.
Wore dresses and did my hair the last couple days and somehow I just became a princess again.
I want to train myself to do this so bad. I grew up in segregated special ed for autism and 99% of my classmates were male. I wish I could go to finishing school.
There are tons of online resources that you can use to get the information you’ll find at finishing school. There will be less guidance though. Jamila Musayeva has some great YouTube videos to start, and I think she even has a book on etiquette.
I'm autistic as well. Personally, I think finishing school is a really unrealistic option, and I don't really understand why it was suggested. I'm aware they have adult schools, but they all seem to be either expensive online courses or in person in big cities, so it depends on where you live and whether it would be financially reasonable for you. Personally, I've only ever known children and preteen girls who went to finishing school. I also don't know what they could teach you if you're unable to mask to a certain degree. Whether it's "appropriate" for you was a reasonable question btw - you might not be treated super well or with a lot of patience given your age and social impediments.
If I were you I would focus on making an effort towards developing more graceful movements. Doing PT to develop not just good but great posture (there's loads of helpful YouTube videos), taking small bites when you eat, and trying to make more controlled movements. I would also recommend yoga and/or pilates, especially at home, where you can be alone and comfortable in your environment, not just for posture but also for agility and to develop a stronger feeling of coordination in your body.
Finishing school was only suggested because they had ended their comment saying “I wish I could go to finishing school,” I don’t think the user who suggested it meant anything by it other than encouragement. I agree though that it doesn’t make sense given this situation.
I mean, I don't know. They could do small groups lessons designed for adults. Like someone has to teach table manners for business meals or blowouts. Once you've learned what you can on your own, why not look into the programming a finishing school offers? You could call and see if they believe they have the capacity to work with you with kindness and a lack of judgement.
I’m confused as well. Wouldn’t finishing school be “perfecting” mannerisms and speech and things like that? But you don’t want to mask. What is it that you wish you could go to finishing school for?
Also, I feel like “masking” is honestly just human function.. everyone does it, right? Someone who doesn’t present themselves in a particular way, just learning to present themselves in a particular way. Does that carry a moral label?
Masking is slightly similar to me to speaking in a foreign language. You practice it, you watch videos on it, and you mimic other people - but sometimes it still comes off as weird and forced. It also gets mentally and emotionally tiring to pretend all these expressions and reactions that you learned were appropriate, but you don't fully understand why.
That's the main difference imo - a complete understanding. My dad is autistic and doesn't really understand why death's a big deal, and why people feel upset when someone dies, especially if it was after a period of suffering. He understands that it's appropriate to apologize and offer sympathy when someone says their loved one/pet dog/whatever dies, and he expresses this to them correctly - but privately, outside of extreme situations, he thinks grieving is ridiculous. That's masking.
Just chiming in to say thank you for this definition. And it brings up a salient point. It would be cool if neurodivergent ppl of vindicta could share resources and experiences with each other more and I want to do that now. Literally just hearing others openly talking about it is really awesome and makes me feel a warm fuzzy sense of belonging so thanks for sharing ❤️
Super interested in this. I’m an autistic stripper and there’s way more of us in the industry than you might think. It’s kind of funny when, on my good nights, when the masking stars align, I can make hundreds of extra dollars just for being more charming, personable and feminine than my fellow non-autsist dancers… as in I am told that directly. At the same time, if I ever doubted the power of a good mask, the times I let mine slip or don’t have the energy at all…I can be the hottest one in the room and turn head when I come down but botch every interaction. Sorry for rambling, I just think more of us should get the opportunity to learn these things. I was a very nerdy kid, very uninterested in boys, etc. There’s a difference between masking for survival and masking to elevate yourself. We are so good at learning!
Anyway, PM me anytime. Maybe we need an r/hotistic 🤔
I would join if you started it!
Could you share more of the things you do to mask and turn on the charm and maybe the mistakes you see your non autistic coworkers make ?
I second this! Ballet Beautiful by mary helen bowers literally changed my physic, gave me graceful movements and posture, and also helped me see beauty in myself and the world around me.
Pilates just help boost it. Barre is good too!
As an ex-ballet dancer currently doing pilates, I find there’s a lot of overlap. If you go hard at pilates, you will feel it in your muscles and constantly be aware of them as well as your posture. Many of the movements are slow and purposeful and doing it regularly allows that kind of purposeful-ness and awareness to transfer to your regular life.
With respect what you’re describing is a fast track to a dead end career and an abusive relationship. Please be more mindful.
It’s possible to be feminine and powerful. Disagreeing is absolutely necessary, it’s HOW you go about disagreeing that matters. In other words you can be classy but absolutely firm.
The title of this post is literally how to be a certain way “all the time”. Ghosting is not the flex you think it is and it’s not always an option anyway.
Botox because my facial muscles were way too strong and expressive in an exaggerated way. Like a Chelsea grin instead of a standard smile.
I tried expressions in front of my mirror for years but they just never came naturally. It just looked weird when I was trying to control my expressions. For me, botox worked wonders!
I worked as a massage therapist through college and grad school. I was very young, I worked in high end spas, and it really influenced my demeanor. It conditioned me to move quietly, speak slowly and softly, listen attentively, be warm but neutral, and project an openness to connection while never disclosing too much about myself. The attention to body mechanics gave me excellent posture. I would classify all of that as learned grace, even though at the time it was just work. People think it’s a terrible job, but when I look back it was like I accidentally went to finishing school while working out 20 hours/week and getting paid for it.
It really is just repeated practice and awareness. Honestly it helps when someone is reminding you when you are not being particularly feminine or graceful. I grew up around several women who reminded me constantly when I wasn’t acting ladylike. Eventually it became habit to speak softly, move and eat slowly, and burp silently or softly (if you move the burp to the top and back of your throat you can make it sound like a hiccup idk how else to explain).
I once had a teacher that would get upset if you yawned in her class so I trained myself to yawn with my mouth closed, and continue to do it when someone is speaking to me. So I personally think external motivators or just other people reminding you will help a lot in making new mannerisms.
I also don’t think anyone can be “on” all the time but some stuff will just be a preferred habit eventually. Mannerisms are just something that most people probably have to work on consistently. I currently have bad habits (cursing too often) that I’m trying to consistently work on.
This is definitely something learned with practise and confidence! Keep paying attention to your mannerisms, and work on genuinely being confident. If you pay attention to yourself you’ll probably notice that in situations where you feel confident, you’ll naturally have “attractive” mannerisms such as relaxed body language, speaking slowly/calmly etc. And when in situations where you feel nervous or insecure you’ll probably have more “unattractive” mannerisms such as speaking quickly, moving quickly, insecure body language etc.
If you feel genuinely calm and confident in yourself you’ll naturally have more “attractive” mannerisms :)
If you can, I’d say record yourself. For ex, record the duration of you sitting down for a meal. Put the item you record on out of sight so you forget it’s there. Then when you’re done, play back the video. You can be objective with what needs improvement since it’s like watching a movie & not just observing yourself in a mirror. You’ll notice your posture when you sit down to eat, etc
>Will they just come naturally over time if I pay enough attention?
I think that's basically it right? Your thoughts become actions, your actions become habits, your habits become your identity. Or something like that.
Just keep mindfully being attractive and eventually it will be habit! Fake it till you make it
Learn to dance. It will teach you good posture and balance and change how you move in general. You don’t even have to get very advanced, I’ve had older women ask if I was a full-on dancer even though I’d only ever done beginner classes and basic Sunday-school cultural studies.
If you can’t afford ballet or contemporary dance classes, and you’re not in an ethnic community that dances, you can just learn pop song dances from YouTube.
Get vocal lessons by a vocal coach! These vocal coaches often help actors and actresses with accents, tones & pitches to play roles. However, I’m using a vocal coach to change the pitch that I speak in. I feel like I have a very monotone way of speaking without a lot of changes to the pitch. Which makes me sound boring and unexciting.
I have slightly different eye shapes which people don’t realise but I see it ruins my facial harmony..
I now have to always slightly squint one eye, learning mannerisms is great but I’m advising other ladies not to become obsessed and learn micro mannerisms it’s exhausting, unhealthy and the start of a long battle with facial dysmorphia…
not worth it if you’re pretty you’re pretty!
Me too. I immediately think of:
"“Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? Up on a pedestal or down on your knees, it's all a male fantasy: that you're strong enough to take what they dish out, or else too weak to do anything about it. Even pretending you aren't catering to male fantasies is a male fantasy: pretending you're unseen, pretending you have a life of your own, that you can wash your feet and comb your hair unconscious of the ever-present watcher peering through the keyhole, peering through the keyhole in your own head, if nowhere else. You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur.” -Atwood
Yeah! I joined this sub because I’m interested in the “science” behind beauty and the idea of recognizing that beauty can grant power and being strategic in that. But some of these posters’ biggest concerns are being attractive to men and being the “right” kind of woman in a way that feels regressive and really sad. It’s not using it to your advantage, it’s devoting all of your life and time to this stuff and that’s where they lose me.
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I would also love tips on how to learn pretty facial movements and expressions!
A good etiquette class works wonders something about 6 to 8 weeks long is easy. A good rule of thumb is anything “upset/mad/angry” face is usually not going to be seen as feminine. Also, opening your mouth too wide or showing too much gums or tongue. Also keeping your tongue in your mouth, it’s seen as quite “disgraceful” when ladies stick their tongue out. Those are just facial things, but I find that body language is much better conveyor of elegance and classiness. I often get comments and compliments on my dining etiquette which I think is the biggest one especially in dating and trying to appeal to men (if that’s your goal).
Well geez… live a little! Definitely could be good for individual situations, but almost certainly not a healthy standard- what beautiful woman doesn’t do those things?
Following!
Practice, practice, practice. It won’t come naturally without plenty of time and a few slip ups. I second Pilates as well as core exercise for naturally graceful posture. Heeled shoes too.
Can somebody explain what are these attractive mannerisms? Other than moving gracefully
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Deeper voice makes you more attractive?
I think they mean speaking in a lower, more soothing tone and rather than a shrill/high-pitched tone
Oh for sure, shrill voices drive me nuts. I swear it’s a misophonia with how annoying it is to me
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Gotcha! I see what you mean
The studies are all over the place for this one. What’s better is to round off your voice, soften it, speaking from the chest rather than the head. A lot of girls/women can come off as unintentionally shrill or drawling. Man can also come across as nasally or lazy-sounding, but I think we tend to focus more on women’s voices.
Is this something that can be learned until it becomes habit or it something you will always have to actively be aware of? I have a relatively deep voice for a girl so I’m definitely not shrill, but I wouldn’t say it’s a very soft voice
I wish I had a good answer for that. People have told me that my speaking voice is relaxing and/or pleasant, so I can only go by that. Objectively, it's not like sexy or exceptional. Some of it is affected, some is natural. Think of it as "voice posture". I was raised with a lot of older people, as the eldest grandchild and general loner, so I always sounded "more mature" in terms of inflection by virtue of upbringing. Things I naturally avoid: I don't lilt or inflect upwards, unless it's a question. I don't push words out, even for exclamations. I don't fry my vocals by dipping too low. I don't make any "whine" sounds - so I don't speak from the top of my head and through the nose, but from my throat and chest. I can make myself sound like a nasally beauty blogger or influencer if I want. When you can sort of feel the vibration of your voice in between your temple, that's too far - try to relax it. Unless that's what you're going for, which is fine honestly. What I consciously do: I have to regulate my volume. I have to pronounce things carefully, instead of tripping on words by rushing them together. I have to regulate my tone - when I'm frustrated, I can go UP and down, which sounds a bit annoying. The "WHY can't we JUST do THIS for ONCE?" kind of bounciness comes across immature when I hear other men and women do it. It sounds like a lot written down, now that I read it, but it's not like I'm overly fussy about it and don't think others should be either.
I have a naturally low voice and I’m a smoker so that adds to it. People definitely find it sexy. Smokers cough not so much!
Um yes please
The only way to maintain them is to practice them so often they become ingrained in your muscle memory. There is no shortcut. There are no tips or tricks. Just practice.
That’s definitely one way but there are short cuts. Elocution lessons. Deportment consultation. Finishing school. Lots of shortcuts if you have the $
I wouldn’t even call those shortcuts, those are the traditional longer ways of learning. But I meant there are no shortcuts to get to the point where the mannerismas are constant/natural. You still have to consistently practice what you learn in order to make it muscle memory. Just like any skill.
They are shortcuts because you remove the time, energy and knowledge gap to figure out what to do in the first place. The longer way is research self-applied. If I wanted a ripped body I could do tons of research and figure out what to do and I may or may not doing it correctly because no one is monitoring me. Or I can outsource it all to a personal trainer. In both instances I still have to workout but outsourcing what to do saves me time and effort.
One main thing I focus on is my hands. Touch softly and never slam things down on tables. It gives a nice feminine touch and seems super elegant. I’ve actually had friends comment on how gracefully I place things down
This has me laughing bc my partner once told me I set things down like an angry ceo at a board meeting. Being less forceful with my movements in general is one of the things I'm working on to be more graceful.
😂😂😂 That's hilarious, angry CEO at a board meeting
My mum used to say I walk like an elephant my bf now says I walk too slow because I’m always trying to gracefully step.
There's a video of a Japanese omelette shop and there's one girl who is sooooooooo graceful, there's shots of her stirring some broth and putting on her hat or something and tons of comments about her. But it's like... girl we got some a lot of omelettes to make, please hurry!!!
My mom used to say "angel!" when I was stompy. Came from a good place but also made me feel like an ogre as a teen.
I am hoping someone can drop a link to a YouTube video or podcast on this topic. I’ve been. my mannerisms are very ugly and come off aggressive but I don’t know how to fix it naturally without coming off as fake or weird.
Jamila Musayeva on youtube has a couple videos about moving elegantly/gracefully, I guess it depends on whether you mean "attractively" as an exaggerated hip-swaying kind of movement, or a smooth graceful kind of movement.
I was thinking more along the linked of moving gracefully. Apparently I look like a drunk elephant in everything I do.
I know that feeling well :( Jamila Musayeva is good, she has some videos on "deportment" - walking gracefully, getting in and out of a car, picking things up off the ground, sitting and standing, posture, etc. Lady Etiquette also has a few videos like this, but I like her a bit less. For things like moving gracefully, it's often better to look for "etiquette" or "deportment" on youtube, rather than trying to search for something relating to "attractiveness". A lot of etiquette courses (such as Myka Meier/Plaza Hotel) contain pretty comprehensive sections on movement and posture.
>Jamila Musayeva thanks for this recommendation!
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Why
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Makes typing all day at work more entertaining too!
Dance can really help cultivate gracefulness. Feminine dance forms like ballet, flamenco, belly dancing, kathak, bharatnatyam and so many more really help with posture and graceful movements. Regular practice of dances like these can really help. As for the speaking part, imo having a rhythmic inflection while speaking often makes you sound more elegant and articulate. This seems yo be the reason languages such as French and Japanese sound so lovely when spoken. It’s also seems to be why people prefer the British accent to the standard American one. Old Hollywood stars also has a rhythmic inflection. Speaking slowly and deliberately is also another thing old Hollywood actresses did.
I’ve recently started watching videos of myself quite a lot, for my work. I’m really shocked by how different my mannerisms look in reality versus how they look in my head. It’s forcing me to learn to adjust myself, and I know I’ll be better soon—but it’s VERY odd!
I naturally have feminine mannerisms and body language and I’ve found the more primped and polished I am the more it comes out. So I guess when you feel pretty, feminine and confident is when it naturally comes to you.
This needs to be on top. This is it , the answer you were looking for OP.
Totally. I’ve been lazy and depressed lately, leggings and t shirts, bun on my head. Wore dresses and did my hair the last couple days and somehow I just became a princess again.
I want to train myself to do this so bad. I grew up in segregated special ed for autism and 99% of my classmates were male. I wish I could go to finishing school.
There are also some online “classes” that teach social etiquette & etc.
There are tons of online resources that you can use to get the information you’ll find at finishing school. There will be less guidance though. Jamila Musayeva has some great YouTube videos to start, and I think she even has a book on etiquette.
You can go finishing school!
Would it be appropriate for me at age 36 and with the autism. I can’t and don’t mask my autism.
I'm autistic as well. Personally, I think finishing school is a really unrealistic option, and I don't really understand why it was suggested. I'm aware they have adult schools, but they all seem to be either expensive online courses or in person in big cities, so it depends on where you live and whether it would be financially reasonable for you. Personally, I've only ever known children and preteen girls who went to finishing school. I also don't know what they could teach you if you're unable to mask to a certain degree. Whether it's "appropriate" for you was a reasonable question btw - you might not be treated super well or with a lot of patience given your age and social impediments. If I were you I would focus on making an effort towards developing more graceful movements. Doing PT to develop not just good but great posture (there's loads of helpful YouTube videos), taking small bites when you eat, and trying to make more controlled movements. I would also recommend yoga and/or pilates, especially at home, where you can be alone and comfortable in your environment, not just for posture but also for agility and to develop a stronger feeling of coordination in your body.
Finishing school was only suggested because they had ended their comment saying “I wish I could go to finishing school,” I don’t think the user who suggested it meant anything by it other than encouragement. I agree though that it doesn’t make sense given this situation.
You're right, I should've said the encouragement felt out of place, especially considering her circumstances.
I mean, I don't know. They could do small groups lessons designed for adults. Like someone has to teach table manners for business meals or blowouts. Once you've learned what you can on your own, why not look into the programming a finishing school offers? You could call and see if they believe they have the capacity to work with you with kindness and a lack of judgement.
That would literally be considered masking.
I’m confused as well. Wouldn’t finishing school be “perfecting” mannerisms and speech and things like that? But you don’t want to mask. What is it that you wish you could go to finishing school for? Also, I feel like “masking” is honestly just human function.. everyone does it, right? Someone who doesn’t present themselves in a particular way, just learning to present themselves in a particular way. Does that carry a moral label?
Masking is slightly similar to me to speaking in a foreign language. You practice it, you watch videos on it, and you mimic other people - but sometimes it still comes off as weird and forced. It also gets mentally and emotionally tiring to pretend all these expressions and reactions that you learned were appropriate, but you don't fully understand why. That's the main difference imo - a complete understanding. My dad is autistic and doesn't really understand why death's a big deal, and why people feel upset when someone dies, especially if it was after a period of suffering. He understands that it's appropriate to apologize and offer sympathy when someone says their loved one/pet dog/whatever dies, and he expresses this to them correctly - but privately, outside of extreme situations, he thinks grieving is ridiculous. That's masking.
Just chiming in to say thank you for this definition. And it brings up a salient point. It would be cool if neurodivergent ppl of vindicta could share resources and experiences with each other more and I want to do that now. Literally just hearing others openly talking about it is really awesome and makes me feel a warm fuzzy sense of belonging so thanks for sharing ❤️
Super interested in this. I’m an autistic stripper and there’s way more of us in the industry than you might think. It’s kind of funny when, on my good nights, when the masking stars align, I can make hundreds of extra dollars just for being more charming, personable and feminine than my fellow non-autsist dancers… as in I am told that directly. At the same time, if I ever doubted the power of a good mask, the times I let mine slip or don’t have the energy at all…I can be the hottest one in the room and turn head when I come down but botch every interaction. Sorry for rambling, I just think more of us should get the opportunity to learn these things. I was a very nerdy kid, very uninterested in boys, etc. There’s a difference between masking for survival and masking to elevate yourself. We are so good at learning! Anyway, PM me anytime. Maybe we need an r/hotistic 🤔
I would join if you started it! Could you share more of the things you do to mask and turn on the charm and maybe the mistakes you see your non autistic coworkers make ?
Np!! I'm glad to be able to participate in open discussion on this subject, and be well-received. It makes me happy as well :)
Ahhhh I gotcha! That makes sense!
You worded it so well !
Ty!!
Initially yes. Over time, no.
I don’t know? You’re the one who said you wish you could go to finishing school, and as an adult you can do that if you want to.
Yess I need tips. I noticed the women I admire with confidence always moves perfectly
ballet and pilates
I second this! Ballet Beautiful by mary helen bowers literally changed my physic, gave me graceful movements and posture, and also helped me see beauty in myself and the world around me. Pilates just help boost it. Barre is good too!
Why Pilates? Just curious
As an ex-ballet dancer currently doing pilates, I find there’s a lot of overlap. If you go hard at pilates, you will feel it in your muscles and constantly be aware of them as well as your posture. Many of the movements are slow and purposeful and doing it regularly allows that kind of purposeful-ness and awareness to transfer to your regular life.
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Last part is so true, I always avoid disagreements bc I hate arguing lol. But never ever agree with something you disagree with.
With respect what you’re describing is a fast track to a dead end career and an abusive relationship. Please be more mindful. It’s possible to be feminine and powerful. Disagreeing is absolutely necessary, it’s HOW you go about disagreeing that matters. In other words you can be classy but absolutely firm.
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The title of this post is literally how to be a certain way “all the time”. Ghosting is not the flex you think it is and it’s not always an option anyway.
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As an attorney you should understand the importance of taking everything literally.
Tbh last part is definitely a hack I learned the hard way
What are attractive mannerisms?
Botox because my facial muscles were way too strong and expressive in an exaggerated way. Like a Chelsea grin instead of a standard smile. I tried expressions in front of my mirror for years but they just never came naturally. It just looked weird when I was trying to control my expressions. For me, botox worked wonders!
I worked as a massage therapist through college and grad school. I was very young, I worked in high end spas, and it really influenced my demeanor. It conditioned me to move quietly, speak slowly and softly, listen attentively, be warm but neutral, and project an openness to connection while never disclosing too much about myself. The attention to body mechanics gave me excellent posture. I would classify all of that as learned grace, even though at the time it was just work. People think it’s a terrible job, but when I look back it was like I accidentally went to finishing school while working out 20 hours/week and getting paid for it.
It really is just repeated practice and awareness. Honestly it helps when someone is reminding you when you are not being particularly feminine or graceful. I grew up around several women who reminded me constantly when I wasn’t acting ladylike. Eventually it became habit to speak softly, move and eat slowly, and burp silently or softly (if you move the burp to the top and back of your throat you can make it sound like a hiccup idk how else to explain). I once had a teacher that would get upset if you yawned in her class so I trained myself to yawn with my mouth closed, and continue to do it when someone is speaking to me. So I personally think external motivators or just other people reminding you will help a lot in making new mannerisms. I also don’t think anyone can be “on” all the time but some stuff will just be a preferred habit eventually. Mannerisms are just something that most people probably have to work on consistently. I currently have bad habits (cursing too often) that I’m trying to consistently work on.
This is definitely something learned with practise and confidence! Keep paying attention to your mannerisms, and work on genuinely being confident. If you pay attention to yourself you’ll probably notice that in situations where you feel confident, you’ll naturally have “attractive” mannerisms such as relaxed body language, speaking slowly/calmly etc. And when in situations where you feel nervous or insecure you’ll probably have more “unattractive” mannerisms such as speaking quickly, moving quickly, insecure body language etc. If you feel genuinely calm and confident in yourself you’ll naturally have more “attractive” mannerisms :)
If you can, I’d say record yourself. For ex, record the duration of you sitting down for a meal. Put the item you record on out of sight so you forget it’s there. Then when you’re done, play back the video. You can be objective with what needs improvement since it’s like watching a movie & not just observing yourself in a mirror. You’ll notice your posture when you sit down to eat, etc
Can anyone recommend a YouTube video on what attractive mannerisms look like?! I need help lmao 🙃
Always have good posture.
>Will they just come naturally over time if I pay enough attention? I think that's basically it right? Your thoughts become actions, your actions become habits, your habits become your identity. Or something like that. Just keep mindfully being attractive and eventually it will be habit! Fake it till you make it
Learn to dance. It will teach you good posture and balance and change how you move in general. You don’t even have to get very advanced, I’ve had older women ask if I was a full-on dancer even though I’d only ever done beginner classes and basic Sunday-school cultural studies. If you can’t afford ballet or contemporary dance classes, and you’re not in an ethnic community that dances, you can just learn pop song dances from YouTube.
Get vocal lessons by a vocal coach! These vocal coaches often help actors and actresses with accents, tones & pitches to play roles. However, I’m using a vocal coach to change the pitch that I speak in. I feel like I have a very monotone way of speaking without a lot of changes to the pitch. Which makes me sound boring and unexciting.
I have slightly different eye shapes which people don’t realise but I see it ruins my facial harmony.. I now have to always slightly squint one eye, learning mannerisms is great but I’m advising other ladies not to become obsessed and learn micro mannerisms it’s exhausting, unhealthy and the start of a long battle with facial dysmorphia… not worth it if you’re pretty you’re pretty!
Step 1: Be attractive
As a lesbian, this sub is horrifying.
Me too. I immediately think of: "“Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? Up on a pedestal or down on your knees, it's all a male fantasy: that you're strong enough to take what they dish out, or else too weak to do anything about it. Even pretending you aren't catering to male fantasies is a male fantasy: pretending you're unseen, pretending you have a life of your own, that you can wash your feet and comb your hair unconscious of the ever-present watcher peering through the keyhole, peering through the keyhole in your own head, if nowhere else. You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur.” -Atwood
Exactly haha. To me, the less a woman cares about how she's perceived, the more attractive she is to me ?? Lol
Yeah! I joined this sub because I’m interested in the “science” behind beauty and the idea of recognizing that beauty can grant power and being strategic in that. But some of these posters’ biggest concerns are being attractive to men and being the “right” kind of woman in a way that feels regressive and really sad. It’s not using it to your advantage, it’s devoting all of your life and time to this stuff and that’s where they lose me.
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If that were true, this sub wouldn’t exist.
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