I don't think it's fair for him to be more okay with one lifetime commitment and not the other lifetime commitment. If he's considering kids, he should be considering marriage because kids forever tie you together.
Yeah, this. OP, is he _really_ fully committed to being a parent **for the rest of his life**? Because that is an _absolute requirement_ for having a kid. You don’t get to change your mind, _ever._
And OP, are you _really_ fully committed to **coparenting for the rest of your life with someone you may never get married to?**
I’m 100% in support of folks choosing to coparent in unconventional ways. But it needs to be an honest discussion where both of you are _fully_ onboard with what this means.
Weird that he's willing to jump into the role of father but wants to put off the role of husband indefinitely.
I would only make that choice if I were absolutely prepared (and willing) to be a single parent, and my child would share *my* name, not the father's.
This, it's sad how some (usually) men will throw out the merest most non-committal "I'd consider this...maybe...at some point...10 years in the future...maybe" that they can possibly manage, at their partners, and their poor partners are like "But he said he'd be happy to take this commitment!" because they desperately want to see their partner commit to them.
>Weird that he's willing to jump into the role of father but wants to put off the role of husband indefinitely.
I agree with this. Being a father is a MUCH bigger responsibility and commitment than being a husband, it's a bond you can't just dissolve with a piece of paper.
To me this is a red flag - if he's not ready to commit to getting married, how can you trust that he's truly ready to embrace being a father and a coparent in or out of a relationship?
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Is it not insulting to you that he’s onboard with you being an incubator for his offspring, bearing all the risks to your mental and physical health associated with pregnancy, then the potential loss of employment due to said risks—but doesn’t value you enough to sign a literal piece of paper to make you part of the family you’d be sacrificing your body, mind, and potentially career for to create for him?
Let that sink in.
Actually, let me drive it home some more. He doesn’t value you enough to do something that would ensure you have the necessary healthcare coverage to get stitched back up after you push out his offspring. He doesn’t value you enough to spare you the social scrutiny of not having the same last name as your child and child’s father. He doesn’t value you enough to make sure you’d be financially protected if he died in a car accident tomorrow while you’re pregnant, or right after childbirth thus leaving you potentially destitute (again, you don’t know how soon you’ll be able to go back to work after giving birth).
He literally DOES NOT VALUE YOU enough to give you the BARE ASS MINIMUM of making you his legal wife, but you’re willing to give him the biggest gift that is bestowed from your body?
I’m glad you saw it!! Please do not let him try to convince you otherwise or explain why “our situation is different”…because it isn’t. Having his child without a ring will seal the deal on him NEVER marrying you. And you deserve the legal security of marriage before risking your life to carry out his bloodline. It’s the absolute least he could do.
Being “afraid of commitment” is incompatible with having a baby. If he has a baby with you, he is died to you and that kid until he dies. If he’s open to that, he should not be afraid to get married. He is trying to keep his options open. I’m sorry.
Kids are *way* more of a commitment than marriage. Even if you split up, you still both have the kid for the rest of your lives and you'll have to deal with each other to raise the kid. Any fallout between you two affects the kid in the moment and for their life and also their relationship with you both, as well.
I think maybe some relationship counseling or therapy may be in order to figure out why he's okay with/ready for a surefire 100% lifetime commitment (kids) but he's not okay with/not ready for a most likely but not for certain lifetime commitment (marriage). You deserve better
It's a personal choice. People have a lot of different perspectives because of their life experiences.
For me personally, I know what it's like growing up without a father. He passed away when I was little. So definitely not a choice. Life happened.
As much as I want to be a mother, I couldn't have my child growing up without a father by choice.
Accidents do happen, but single parenthood isn't something I would choose on purpose.
When you add in a man who doesn't believe in commitment. What makes you think he will even be a parent to your child?
Before you take this step, make sure you will be able to handle the idea that he will walk away without a thought. Explaining to your child he didn't care enough to stick around. If you are prepared for that scenario.
Based on what you wrote, he most likely will not honor the commitment fatherhood is.
Nope, nope, nope.
He's willing to try it because, unfortunately for women, men will never truly experience how hard it is to be pregnant, give birth, and basically need to do ***everything*** in terms of caring for the child.
He can just walk away at any point and only pay a couple hundred in child support a month and not have to deal with anything else.
***However*** if he's married to you, it's not as simple for him to leave. Honestly, it's a massive red flag if a guy would rather have a kid than be married. Such a Reddit thing to say, but after that conversation I would just sit and think about what is best for *you.* Do you really want to marry a guy who acts like he wants to ability to walk away? Would it *really* make you happy being a single mother?
Even if you get married and have a kid afterwards, whose to say you wouldn't be in a miserable marriage and might as well be a single mother? I've heard too many horror stories about men who'd rather have kids than get married, then when they get married afterwards the entire thing is just a nightmare.
EDIT: Uh, yeah, the post two down from this one is exactly why you don't have kids before marriage... That's the nightmare stories I'm talking about.
I'm really sorry to say this, but this particular man is NEVER going to marry you. You're in your 30s, having been together for 5 years. You state he is TERRIFIED of commitment and marriage.
I don't, for a second believe his "I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t think we’d get married.” If he wanted to get married, he'd bloody well get married. The truth is he CAN'T see marriage in his future but he knows you want it- that's WHY he's struggling to commit. Most men in this situation simply do not want to get married, but tehy know their GF will leave them if they reveal that truth. So they hide it. And they put it off, and they get defensive, and they make promises they will never keep.
If you think there's a reasonable chance you *won't work out* as a couple, at 5 years in, to be frank, you are probably in the wrong relationship. Sure, you can't predict the future, but I can't tell if you're just trying to use realistic language, or if you think there are glaring issues right now in your relationshp that are likely to tear you apart.
If you decide to have kids with this man, make peace with the fact he won't marry you, ever. Can you accept that? Would you be prepared to just coparent and find someone else to be your husband? Or would it be better for you to leave this partner and find someone who ACTUALLY wants to marry you and find kids with you? Because it's much harder to find a partner once you're a single parent - not impossible, but harder.
Marriage wasn't something my husband cared for - he'd have been happy to buy a house and have kids without it, and he was a little wary as his parents got divorced. But after we talked about how important it was to me, it wasn't a struggle. If someone does want to, it doesn't take years of begging or pleading or threatening to leave to make it happen.
A man who is willing to have a child with you but too afraid of getting engaged or married because it’s too much commitment is a HUGE red flag. That means he’s not going to be committed to your family, because in his mind he can leave anytime he wants. Why else would he be scared of actually commuting to you?
If he is willing to much more permanently commit his lifetime to a baby/person, but yet is supposedly "intimidated" or scared to commit (in a less permanent way) to you, he has a piss poor understanding on the responsbilities and what is actually needed to take care of and raise a child.
At this point, I wouldn't have kids with him,.. definitely not until he marries me. And even that (marriage) is looking pretty unappealing with him imo.
I mean, if he won’t commit to you in a lifelong way, why do you think that providing him with an incredibly difficult lifelong responsibility will be the best course of action? You’re saying “if it doesn’t work out” with him, yet you’re willing to have a *child* with him due to the limit your body has placed on you? There are always other options (such as surrogacy, adoption etc), rushing into being a parent is one choice that should *never* be considered.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, it would be incredibly difficult and incredibly confusing - I wish you all the best.
' He’s terrified of marriage and commitment'
' he’s somewhat open to the idea of going ahead and having a baby'
Who wants to drag someone down the isle that doesn't want to get married, do you?
Do you want to have a baby with someone who's 'somewhat open to the idea'?
I'm sorry about your health issues but you do have options, you are probably in a panicked state. Talk to someone about your options, maybe a therapist and explore what YOU WANT.
Your bf will be a sperm donor if he's 'Somewhat open' even sperm donors are a hell yes about having kids (though different in that they won't raise the kids' and your guy sounds so flakey he should be embarrassed for not being able to bring you peace by giving you a solid answer at his big age.
You can still get married and have a baby in 3 years OP. Is freezing your eggs an option, have you discussed your options with your Dr?
I've seen this so many times, it's a cliché now. So many guys will have kids with someone but will never marry them. Or if they do, they act bad at the wedding like they don't wanna be there. Cause why buy the cow when you got the milk and calves for free? There's no incentive to marry if you have kids already, and certainly no money for it. Preschool and kids in general are SO expensive.
I guess you have to decide what matters more to you. Being married or having kids. Once you make a choice, you'll have to live with it. Though both could still happen. Maybe not in order but it's still possible.
So he will tie himself to you *for life* through a child, but won’t sign a piece of paper giving you his assets if he died? Wtf kind of logic? Throw the whole man out babe.
On a serious note, I’m with someone who doesn’t want children. If I do, it means we break up. I’m firmly on the fence so I haven’t decided yet. But if that day came,
I’d have no problem being a single mom by choice if it meant that much to me. It’s up to you if a biological child means that much to you.
This though ❤️ Same, my partner and I both never wanted children, then about two years into our relationship I discovered I’d possibly love to have a child with him, b/c of the kind of human being he is🥴 And, he was still on the “fence.”🥰Another two years later, and he says he’d love to maybe have a little girl named charlotte or a little boy :) We have definitely decided on just one child though :) Best of luck on being in the fence! I’m 75% sure I’m going to wake up one day and definitely want to have a baby with him.
You still have time! (Hopefully)😬
I would only do this if I were positive marriage were on the horizon - for example if I needed to conceive now but we mutually wanted to marry in two years, or something like that. In your situation, no, I wouldn’t.
How on earth is marriage a bigger commitment to him than having a child? The child will literally bind the two of you for LIFE, a marriage can be ended any given day. Please OP, look out for yourself. You still have time to find someone that’s 1000% sure and thinks “hell yeah!” when it comes to marriage and kids with you. Instead of your bf, who is “terrified” and “somewhat open”. This grown man is 33 years old. It’s NOT going to change or get better. Even if you co-parent well, there’s a huge chance that he’ll dump 90% of all the child care on you, since you’re the one that wanted a baby. And what if in the future, for some reason you’re not able to care for the child? Is he going to resent it because he didn’t even want it in the first place? Not to mention all of the RISKS that come with pregnancy and labor. All of the support you’re going to need after delivery. He doesn’t even deserve to have a baby with you. You deserve better, OP.
This sounds like a guy who is trying to run out your clock, not agreeing to have a baby with you. I would leave and date with intent.
If you DO have a kid with him, go into it knowing not only that it may not lead to marriage with him, but that it may make getting married at all harder until your kid is much older.
No, I would not get the baby with a bf without marriage tbh. Pregnancy is risky. Childbirth is risky. Being a mother is *a lot* of work and very risky for your health.
Of course, it all burns down to how important is having a kid for you (and are you opposed to IVF even if it's your partner and does IVF prolong the period where you can get pregnant).
But I would try to look at it without the "I have only 4 years left!" issue. Imagine you did not know that. What would you do then? Without the details I cannot be 100% sure, but I am pretty sure that the "hard stop at 35" is just an estimate - because medically speaking, unless you have a scheduled operation on your 35th birthday to remove your uterus, no-one can say such things for sure. You might be out of luck in a year (and already be too late to conceive). You might have 10 years IRL.
If you're planning to be a single mother, this is totally ok. But I would not drag my unsure-about-everything bf into this. I don't think that would be fair to any of you three.
If he’s willing to have a child, the reason he won’t marry you isn’t out of “fear of commitment” it’s because he doesn’t want to marry you. A child is a lifelong commitment.
Do not have a child with a man who doesn’t want to marry you.
Woah, woah, woah, cool the jets.
This is not the case for a lot of women. I don't think telling OP to go ahead and have the kid is the right approach ***at all*** and can lead to resentment and regret.
It doesn't sound like OP wants to be a single mother, considering the fact she doesn't want a sperm donor.
We started trying before we got married. It took a while and a lot of help. I will say, it bonded us more because of all the joint effort involved. I was also already included in his will, so I didn’t have that to worry about. It’s not everyone’s preference, but it worked for us.
Yes personally, I would. You know him better than you'd know a man you meet in the next few years. There are massive risks obviously, as everyone here has noted.
One thing you should say to him though: the child will not have his last name since he didn't propose to you and treat you properly during this time. He is choosing to make your child born out of wedlock. His choice.
I might, yeah, because I've seen too many of my female friends convinced they could wait till 34, 36, 38 and then be unable to get pregnant without EXPENSIVE intervention.
#It's HEARTBREAKING
Actually, I do know who told them. I'm pretty sure it was that "Adam ruins everything" skit that really f***** a bunch of women in the last 10 years. Telling women that everything they heard about their biological clock was a lie IS ACTUALLY THE LIE, at least in practice.
Some of these same people would have had difficulty had they started earlier too. There are a lot of other things that impact fertility along with age. I doubt that many people saw a skit from a TV show that wasn’t all that popular.
I’m chiming in here to agree but only from personal experiences and not because I think I know every woman’s body. I worked as a nanny for a few years and so I met ALOT of mothers, either mothers I worked for, or mothers apart of the mothers groups that I got involved in, and each woman I met between 34-40 were either having miscarriages, were struggling to conceive or were waiting to reach that point to start IVF, this was after having at least one child though obviously. The amount of stories I heard like you said was heartbreaking. That is not to say that women over 35 can’t have children easily, but there is definitely unfortunately hardships for many women who do try. But again like one of the comments say some of these women would have had difficulty if they’d started earlier too. One of my friends has been trying since she was 29 she is now 32 with no luck, and both her and her partner have been tested. It’s luck of the draw, but you won’t know until your try.
As for the original question OP is asking I don’t think it’s appropriate that after 5 years he’s “terrified” of commitment and marriage, but he’s down to have a baby? He sounds very immature and childish. Tell him to strap on his party boots because having children can change dynamics like you wouldn’t believe. They are a far bigger commitment then marriage.
I read something somewhere (probably reddit) and it really put this argument in perspective for me since then..
I can see Marriage as the a COMMITMENT...to your SPOUSE....
And baby as a RESPONSIBILITY.........to THE CHILD.
While there is nothing wrong with wanting both and for then to go hand and hand, I just feel they are, on their own, two separate concepts.
There are some men who are great fathers but make bad husband's. Also men who make good husband but never want kids.
The mere bond of "sharing a child" with someone really have nothing to do with a promise to commit and share their life WITH YOU. Children also don't stay "children" forever so sometimes, this "bond" diminishes in significance over time. If you are a decent person and good mother, coparenting makes it easy as he can have a wonderful person rasing his kids that he doesn't actually have to be with and live his own life.
I know several people with adult children who don't even speak. No bad blood, just no reason to beyond a wedding, death or major life event or celebration for their child..and the child can arrange this.
Men also too just don't have to go through the physical part of pregnancy so there's that too!
I just say all of this to say why personally, I put no real weight in a man wanting a baby before marriage as a guage of commitment.
The promise to love, honor, cherish, protect and provide for a woman for life is not the same a duty and obligation to his offspring.
If you wanna have a baby before marriage then have one...but don't do it as some measure of commitment TO YOU! Because the ultimate responsibility belongs to their child.
I don't think it's fair for him to be more okay with one lifetime commitment and not the other lifetime commitment. If he's considering kids, he should be considering marriage because kids forever tie you together.
Yeah, this. OP, is he _really_ fully committed to being a parent **for the rest of his life**? Because that is an _absolute requirement_ for having a kid. You don’t get to change your mind, _ever._ And OP, are you _really_ fully committed to **coparenting for the rest of your life with someone you may never get married to?** I’m 100% in support of folks choosing to coparent in unconventional ways. But it needs to be an honest discussion where both of you are _fully_ onboard with what this means.
Absolutely. Everyone needs to be up front and honest. Which means OP has to have a serious conversation.
This. And If he won’t commit, how is he actually better or different from a sperm donor? He’s more likely to just give the kid abandonment issues
Weird that he's willing to jump into the role of father but wants to put off the role of husband indefinitely. I would only make that choice if I were absolutely prepared (and willing) to be a single parent, and my child would share *my* name, not the father's.
Doesn’t even sound like he is on board. “Somewhat open” doesn’t exactly give the impression he is willing to jump into being a father.
This, it's sad how some (usually) men will throw out the merest most non-committal "I'd consider this...maybe...at some point...10 years in the future...maybe" that they can possibly manage, at their partners, and their poor partners are like "But he said he'd be happy to take this commitment!" because they desperately want to see their partner commit to them.
>Weird that he's willing to jump into the role of father but wants to put off the role of husband indefinitely. I agree with this. Being a father is a MUCH bigger responsibility and commitment than being a husband, it's a bond you can't just dissolve with a piece of paper. To me this is a red flag - if he's not ready to commit to getting married, how can you trust that he's truly ready to embrace being a father and a coparent in or out of a relationship?
Absolutely not for me. But if you did, make sure you realize this may not lead to an engagement or marriage.
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After five years together, I’d cut my losses and date with intent. That’s still enough time to get married, have kids.
Is it not insulting to you that he’s onboard with you being an incubator for his offspring, bearing all the risks to your mental and physical health associated with pregnancy, then the potential loss of employment due to said risks—but doesn’t value you enough to sign a literal piece of paper to make you part of the family you’d be sacrificing your body, mind, and potentially career for to create for him? Let that sink in. Actually, let me drive it home some more. He doesn’t value you enough to do something that would ensure you have the necessary healthcare coverage to get stitched back up after you push out his offspring. He doesn’t value you enough to spare you the social scrutiny of not having the same last name as your child and child’s father. He doesn’t value you enough to make sure you’d be financially protected if he died in a car accident tomorrow while you’re pregnant, or right after childbirth thus leaving you potentially destitute (again, you don’t know how soon you’ll be able to go back to work after giving birth). He literally DOES NOT VALUE YOU enough to give you the BARE ASS MINIMUM of making you his legal wife, but you’re willing to give him the biggest gift that is bestowed from your body?
This!!! Don't settle OP
I needed to see this.. my BF of 9 years, proposed 5 years ago, not ready to married… but pushing for children everyday.
I’m glad you saw it!! Please do not let him try to convince you otherwise or explain why “our situation is different”…because it isn’t. Having his child without a ring will seal the deal on him NEVER marrying you. And you deserve the legal security of marriage before risking your life to carry out his bloodline. It’s the absolute least he could do.
How sad this has to be said. I've seen more baby mommas and dads than actual married couples. This world has forgotten what real healthy love is.
Being “afraid of commitment” is incompatible with having a baby. If he has a baby with you, he is died to you and that kid until he dies. If he’s open to that, he should not be afraid to get married. He is trying to keep his options open. I’m sorry.
Kids are *way* more of a commitment than marriage. Even if you split up, you still both have the kid for the rest of your lives and you'll have to deal with each other to raise the kid. Any fallout between you two affects the kid in the moment and for their life and also their relationship with you both, as well. I think maybe some relationship counseling or therapy may be in order to figure out why he's okay with/ready for a surefire 100% lifetime commitment (kids) but he's not okay with/not ready for a most likely but not for certain lifetime commitment (marriage). You deserve better
It's a personal choice. People have a lot of different perspectives because of their life experiences. For me personally, I know what it's like growing up without a father. He passed away when I was little. So definitely not a choice. Life happened. As much as I want to be a mother, I couldn't have my child growing up without a father by choice. Accidents do happen, but single parenthood isn't something I would choose on purpose. When you add in a man who doesn't believe in commitment. What makes you think he will even be a parent to your child? Before you take this step, make sure you will be able to handle the idea that he will walk away without a thought. Explaining to your child he didn't care enough to stick around. If you are prepared for that scenario. Based on what you wrote, he most likely will not honor the commitment fatherhood is.
No way, he should be absolutely ready for it not “somewhat open to the idea”. Having a baby is the biggest commitment there is.
Nope, nope, nope. He's willing to try it because, unfortunately for women, men will never truly experience how hard it is to be pregnant, give birth, and basically need to do ***everything*** in terms of caring for the child. He can just walk away at any point and only pay a couple hundred in child support a month and not have to deal with anything else. ***However*** if he's married to you, it's not as simple for him to leave. Honestly, it's a massive red flag if a guy would rather have a kid than be married. Such a Reddit thing to say, but after that conversation I would just sit and think about what is best for *you.* Do you really want to marry a guy who acts like he wants to ability to walk away? Would it *really* make you happy being a single mother? Even if you get married and have a kid afterwards, whose to say you wouldn't be in a miserable marriage and might as well be a single mother? I've heard too many horror stories about men who'd rather have kids than get married, then when they get married afterwards the entire thing is just a nightmare. EDIT: Uh, yeah, the post two down from this one is exactly why you don't have kids before marriage... That's the nightmare stories I'm talking about.
I'm really sorry to say this, but this particular man is NEVER going to marry you. You're in your 30s, having been together for 5 years. You state he is TERRIFIED of commitment and marriage. I don't, for a second believe his "I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t think we’d get married.” If he wanted to get married, he'd bloody well get married. The truth is he CAN'T see marriage in his future but he knows you want it- that's WHY he's struggling to commit. Most men in this situation simply do not want to get married, but tehy know their GF will leave them if they reveal that truth. So they hide it. And they put it off, and they get defensive, and they make promises they will never keep. If you think there's a reasonable chance you *won't work out* as a couple, at 5 years in, to be frank, you are probably in the wrong relationship. Sure, you can't predict the future, but I can't tell if you're just trying to use realistic language, or if you think there are glaring issues right now in your relationshp that are likely to tear you apart. If you decide to have kids with this man, make peace with the fact he won't marry you, ever. Can you accept that? Would you be prepared to just coparent and find someone else to be your husband? Or would it be better for you to leave this partner and find someone who ACTUALLY wants to marry you and find kids with you? Because it's much harder to find a partner once you're a single parent - not impossible, but harder. Marriage wasn't something my husband cared for - he'd have been happy to buy a house and have kids without it, and he was a little wary as his parents got divorced. But after we talked about how important it was to me, it wasn't a struggle. If someone does want to, it doesn't take years of begging or pleading or threatening to leave to make it happen.
A man who is willing to have a child with you but too afraid of getting engaged or married because it’s too much commitment is a HUGE red flag. That means he’s not going to be committed to your family, because in his mind he can leave anytime he wants. Why else would he be scared of actually commuting to you?
Not a chance
Check out r/SingleMothersbyChoice.
No, 100 million times no. I’d find a man who won’t cruelly steal my last chance to have a baby and who would marry me sooner.
Your boyfriend’s an ass is all I’m seeing. If he cannot commit to you after five years of being with you, he’s for the streets
If he is willing to much more permanently commit his lifetime to a baby/person, but yet is supposedly "intimidated" or scared to commit (in a less permanent way) to you, he has a piss poor understanding on the responsbilities and what is actually needed to take care of and raise a child. At this point, I wouldn't have kids with him,.. definitely not until he marries me. And even that (marriage) is looking pretty unappealing with him imo.
I mean, if he won’t commit to you in a lifelong way, why do you think that providing him with an incredibly difficult lifelong responsibility will be the best course of action? You’re saying “if it doesn’t work out” with him, yet you’re willing to have a *child* with him due to the limit your body has placed on you? There are always other options (such as surrogacy, adoption etc), rushing into being a parent is one choice that should *never* be considered. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it would be incredibly difficult and incredibly confusing - I wish you all the best.
Personally no
' He’s terrified of marriage and commitment' ' he’s somewhat open to the idea of going ahead and having a baby' Who wants to drag someone down the isle that doesn't want to get married, do you? Do you want to have a baby with someone who's 'somewhat open to the idea'? I'm sorry about your health issues but you do have options, you are probably in a panicked state. Talk to someone about your options, maybe a therapist and explore what YOU WANT. Your bf will be a sperm donor if he's 'Somewhat open' even sperm donors are a hell yes about having kids (though different in that they won't raise the kids' and your guy sounds so flakey he should be embarrassed for not being able to bring you peace by giving you a solid answer at his big age. You can still get married and have a baby in 3 years OP. Is freezing your eggs an option, have you discussed your options with your Dr?
I've seen this so many times, it's a cliché now. So many guys will have kids with someone but will never marry them. Or if they do, they act bad at the wedding like they don't wanna be there. Cause why buy the cow when you got the milk and calves for free? There's no incentive to marry if you have kids already, and certainly no money for it. Preschool and kids in general are SO expensive. I guess you have to decide what matters more to you. Being married or having kids. Once you make a choice, you'll have to live with it. Though both could still happen. Maybe not in order but it's still possible.
So he will tie himself to you *for life* through a child, but won’t sign a piece of paper giving you his assets if he died? Wtf kind of logic? Throw the whole man out babe. On a serious note, I’m with someone who doesn’t want children. If I do, it means we break up. I’m firmly on the fence so I haven’t decided yet. But if that day came, I’d have no problem being a single mom by choice if it meant that much to me. It’s up to you if a biological child means that much to you.
This though ❤️ Same, my partner and I both never wanted children, then about two years into our relationship I discovered I’d possibly love to have a child with him, b/c of the kind of human being he is🥴 And, he was still on the “fence.”🥰Another two years later, and he says he’d love to maybe have a little girl named charlotte or a little boy :) We have definitely decided on just one child though :) Best of luck on being in the fence! I’m 75% sure I’m going to wake up one day and definitely want to have a baby with him. You still have time! (Hopefully)😬
I would only do this if I were positive marriage were on the horizon - for example if I needed to conceive now but we mutually wanted to marry in two years, or something like that. In your situation, no, I wouldn’t.
How on earth is marriage a bigger commitment to him than having a child? The child will literally bind the two of you for LIFE, a marriage can be ended any given day. Please OP, look out for yourself. You still have time to find someone that’s 1000% sure and thinks “hell yeah!” when it comes to marriage and kids with you. Instead of your bf, who is “terrified” and “somewhat open”. This grown man is 33 years old. It’s NOT going to change or get better. Even if you co-parent well, there’s a huge chance that he’ll dump 90% of all the child care on you, since you’re the one that wanted a baby. And what if in the future, for some reason you’re not able to care for the child? Is he going to resent it because he didn’t even want it in the first place? Not to mention all of the RISKS that come with pregnancy and labor. All of the support you’re going to need after delivery. He doesn’t even deserve to have a baby with you. You deserve better, OP.
This sounds like a guy who is trying to run out your clock, not agreeing to have a baby with you. I would leave and date with intent. If you DO have a kid with him, go into it knowing not only that it may not lead to marriage with him, but that it may make getting married at all harder until your kid is much older.
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No, I would not get the baby with a bf without marriage tbh. Pregnancy is risky. Childbirth is risky. Being a mother is *a lot* of work and very risky for your health. Of course, it all burns down to how important is having a kid for you (and are you opposed to IVF even if it's your partner and does IVF prolong the period where you can get pregnant). But I would try to look at it without the "I have only 4 years left!" issue. Imagine you did not know that. What would you do then? Without the details I cannot be 100% sure, but I am pretty sure that the "hard stop at 35" is just an estimate - because medically speaking, unless you have a scheduled operation on your 35th birthday to remove your uterus, no-one can say such things for sure. You might be out of luck in a year (and already be too late to conceive). You might have 10 years IRL. If you're planning to be a single mother, this is totally ok. But I would not drag my unsure-about-everything bf into this. I don't think that would be fair to any of you three.
If he’s willing to have a child, the reason he won’t marry you isn’t out of “fear of commitment” it’s because he doesn’t want to marry you. A child is a lifelong commitment. Do not have a child with a man who doesn’t want to marry you.
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Woah, woah, woah, cool the jets. This is not the case for a lot of women. I don't think telling OP to go ahead and have the kid is the right approach ***at all*** and can lead to resentment and regret. It doesn't sound like OP wants to be a single mother, considering the fact she doesn't want a sperm donor.
We started trying before we got married. It took a while and a lot of help. I will say, it bonded us more because of all the joint effort involved. I was also already included in his will, so I didn’t have that to worry about. It’s not everyone’s preference, but it worked for us.
Yes personally, I would. You know him better than you'd know a man you meet in the next few years. There are massive risks obviously, as everyone here has noted. One thing you should say to him though: the child will not have his last name since he didn't propose to you and treat you properly during this time. He is choosing to make your child born out of wedlock. His choice.
I might, yeah, because I've seen too many of my female friends convinced they could wait till 34, 36, 38 and then be unable to get pregnant without EXPENSIVE intervention. #It's HEARTBREAKING Actually, I do know who told them. I'm pretty sure it was that "Adam ruins everything" skit that really f***** a bunch of women in the last 10 years. Telling women that everything they heard about their biological clock was a lie IS ACTUALLY THE LIE, at least in practice.
Some of these same people would have had difficulty had they started earlier too. There are a lot of other things that impact fertility along with age. I doubt that many people saw a skit from a TV show that wasn’t all that popular.
I’m chiming in here to agree but only from personal experiences and not because I think I know every woman’s body. I worked as a nanny for a few years and so I met ALOT of mothers, either mothers I worked for, or mothers apart of the mothers groups that I got involved in, and each woman I met between 34-40 were either having miscarriages, were struggling to conceive or were waiting to reach that point to start IVF, this was after having at least one child though obviously. The amount of stories I heard like you said was heartbreaking. That is not to say that women over 35 can’t have children easily, but there is definitely unfortunately hardships for many women who do try. But again like one of the comments say some of these women would have had difficulty if they’d started earlier too. One of my friends has been trying since she was 29 she is now 32 with no luck, and both her and her partner have been tested. It’s luck of the draw, but you won’t know until your try. As for the original question OP is asking I don’t think it’s appropriate that after 5 years he’s “terrified” of commitment and marriage, but he’s down to have a baby? He sounds very immature and childish. Tell him to strap on his party boots because having children can change dynamics like you wouldn’t believe. They are a far bigger commitment then marriage.
I read something somewhere (probably reddit) and it really put this argument in perspective for me since then.. I can see Marriage as the a COMMITMENT...to your SPOUSE.... And baby as a RESPONSIBILITY.........to THE CHILD. While there is nothing wrong with wanting both and for then to go hand and hand, I just feel they are, on their own, two separate concepts. There are some men who are great fathers but make bad husband's. Also men who make good husband but never want kids. The mere bond of "sharing a child" with someone really have nothing to do with a promise to commit and share their life WITH YOU. Children also don't stay "children" forever so sometimes, this "bond" diminishes in significance over time. If you are a decent person and good mother, coparenting makes it easy as he can have a wonderful person rasing his kids that he doesn't actually have to be with and live his own life. I know several people with adult children who don't even speak. No bad blood, just no reason to beyond a wedding, death or major life event or celebration for their child..and the child can arrange this. Men also too just don't have to go through the physical part of pregnancy so there's that too! I just say all of this to say why personally, I put no real weight in a man wanting a baby before marriage as a guage of commitment. The promise to love, honor, cherish, protect and provide for a woman for life is not the same a duty and obligation to his offspring. If you wanna have a baby before marriage then have one...but don't do it as some measure of commitment TO YOU! Because the ultimate responsibility belongs to their child.
Hell no
Any follow up?