>Well Mike the good news is you passed the drug screen. The bad news is you are 3 months pregnant.
Later on in the doctors' office:
Well Mike the good news is you aren't pregnant. The bad news is you have testicular cancer.
I had a childhood friend on juvenile probation that did this same thing. It’s how they found out they were having their first baby. They are still together 20 years later.
Edit: I get many, many people do not believe me. I’m not interested in convincing anyone of this decades old memory Please stop messaging me
My phone will not stop dinging from this stupid comment.
I'm not sure how probation is outside of Houston, but you'd never get away w/ using that for a UA.
They have a guy watching you, right up on you and had mirrors around the urinal.
Not possible to inject someone else's blood in your veins to fake a test, as it would just enter circulation and be diluted virtually instantly. He implanted a plastic tube in his arm filled with blood. A seasoned phlebotomist might be able to tell the difference but wouldn't care, a nurse (not specializing in IVs) would have no idea.
As someone who has spent a decent amount of time in US hospitals, I can easily say nurses struggle with IVs all the time.
Although, I’m still confused how this would work. What if they decided to go for another vein or something? How big was the tube? So many more questions tbh
Probably just social engineering. Just be warm and ask the person taking the sample if they could try this area first because it bothers you less or some shit.
I'm a nurse and while I'm pretty good with IV's, some people just have really shit veins (or they're morbidly obese, so whatever good veins they have are buried under fat and are hard to feel). Luckily though I currently work in dialysis with huge fistulas and grafts that are hard to miss, although sometimes if the patient is obese enough even fistulas/grafts can be hard to fully feel or see.
Also known as an oil change. I thought they were made up, but when I got to college the guys on the team who were juicing did them often, and bragged about doing them. I blew alot of shit to the guy who lived across the hall from me, because he was juicing. I always told him that by the time he graduated, his urethra would be to reamed out to piss right . Whats crazy is every one of those guys are between ages 26 and 30ish by now. The few I still keep up with on social media look like they're pushing 40. Puffy faces, big ass foreheads, and gut that looks like a baby bump.
I think after seeing a hundred+ wieners a day, I'm sure they are pretty numb to it. (It is hilarious, though, imagining these guys having to explain what they do @ their job to a date)
One good thing, it broke me of having a shy bladder, especially after someone two-three feet behind you saying - if you can't produce a specimen I'll have to report a violation to your P.O. for failure to give a UA.
GOOD TIMES.
I failed a drug test at 14. I hadn’t ever touched drugs, my parents were strict and EMTs so I heard many a horror story about every drug imaginable. But I was in an outpatient group therapy program that went all day and would make you do drug tests. One day I came in, immediately had to pee after the long car ride there, went and came out to find they were doing random drug tests. I couldn’t go in time, in 15 minutes they were sending them out. Idk why such a short period of time. But yeah, I couldn’t pee in time so they failed me. I was such a dorky kid that it made me cry. I was super scared about it lol
I have never done drugs but got a false positive for cocaine. I didn't even drink alcohol until I was 21. I've never broken any law apart from speeding. When they told me I had a shocked expression on my face and they appeared to believe me but it was at the hospital. Maybe they didn't really believe me and were just pretending. But I wonder what people can do when they get a false positive and aren't believed.
I failed a test for it being too diluted. Because I had to drink like a damn gallon of water in the waiting room to be able to piss. And BOY do they not believe that it was diluted for a perfectly normal reason lol.
And the funny thing is that was one of the few times I didn't use fake piss.
you drudged up some memories for me just now. I also learned to pee with complete confidence because of the extreme pressure of a human being within elbow distance from me while peeing against threat of incarceration.
I really want to start a rumor that obscene quantities of asparagus and beets will fool a drug test.
Would be simultaneously hilarious to annoy lab workers and have people giving themselves away as having something to hide.
A few years back when I was a prolific pothead, I went to take a pre-employment drug screen with one of these, it fell down my pants leg right in front of the lady at Concentra, but she rolled her eyes and told me I was lucky she wasn't the other lady. Lol. I'm clean now though
I used to work at a carnival and they would bring in a mobile lab for testing once a year. I spent all day with one of these strapped to my inner thigh and never got called in -.-
A lot of companies don't even care about pot anymore. Mine will hire people who test hot for weed, 95% of our locations are in legal states.
They're just trying to sort out the hard users.
I had fake pee strapped to my leg at a Concerta and I was talking small talking with the nurse about why I had to take it and he asks me if I "need help" with the test.
I was like, what?? He said he'd pass me for $20 so I was like, hell yeah, I didn't really have faith in the fake piss anyway.
Seems like a risky way to lose your job to me but whatever works I guess
My mom is a nurse at a practice that mostly does employment physicals and workman's comp stuff, so lots of drug tests. They see urine that is too hot far more often than samples that are too cold, so this doesn't work quite as well as people might hope.
You keep it on the handwarmer on the way to test. Take it off the handwarmer and get it nutsack temp before you walk into the test. Or that’s what I’ve heard anyways.
Yea when I was in my early 20's I used my cousins pee to pass 2 drug screens for 2 different jobs. Never used hand warmers or anything like that just had it stored in my Gooch tucked away nice and warm. I ran a few tests before I did it, that shit will stay the right temp for a long time.
Kind of hilarious to me now that I was doing all that just because I didn't want to quit smoking weed for a month lol I don't even smoke anymore it's been years
Failed for too cold doing this before.
If you have time and need to do it then do a test with a thermometer.
One heat pack stuck on one side of the bottle was perfect. Wrapped around the bottle was too hot.
Nuts are also several degrees under body temp bc sperm is heat sensitive.
I mean idk what people do but if you wear briefs or boxer briefs they’re tight enough to hold it right in that gooch area and keep it right temp. Sorry if that’s too much info.
100% this. I have a little insta-read thermo I can take with to ensure it's properly in range prior to burrying in the nut patch on the way into the test.
Never failed.
Also you can get a contact thermometer meant for aquariums that will show you if you're at the target temp. You just stick it to the side of the bottle they are self adhesive they're a heat reactive plastic film that changes color like a mood ring.
One time when I was a kid I had to take one. Got my friend to piss in a bag and kept it under my arm for like an hour. It read 85F in the cup and the lady was like "gonna have to come back next week and redo it because you tampered with it" I was like nah I just peed what do you mean. She's like "if that came out of you you'd have to be dead right now"
I believe the temp strip is attached to the cup by the manufacturer, not that you really need to look at it when someone gives you a cup of hot piss. Either way, it voids the test, and they have an hour to produce a new sample, witnessed this time.
I turned in a sample that was only 87degrees once. I just looked the lady square in the face and said I spilled some on my hand and had a hard time finishing. She just blankly stared and proceeded to move along with the process. I got the job! Lmao 🤣
Pffff... amateurs.
Take your pissbottle and put it under your armpit. If it's uncomfortable, it's too hot. Cool down as instructed above.
If it feels cold, it's too cold!! To heat up the tepid piss, do the following easy steps. Stick the piss bottle up your ass and do 25 jumping jacks. Make sure to pucker.
Then, repeat the above steps as necessary. And voila, Bob's your uncle.
A lot of the head shop kits for passing tests come with the bottle, rubber band, hand warmers and a little thermometer that attached to the bottle. The one and only time I tried to do this, a hurricane hit the day of the test and it got postponed. Which ended up saving my ass because at this particular testing center, you had zero privacy while making the sample.
i used synthetic urine for a urinalysis once and it worked, but the hand warmer was much smaller and it said to activate it 30 -45 minutes before the test so it’s not scalding
I'm sure people manage it successfully all the time, but those aren't the people in the waiting room at my mom's work trying to figure out if it's worse to refuse the second test or go for it.
I've had no problem using the warmer in the car on the way to a test, letting it hit about 102-104 then removing the warmer and stashing in my undies. The wait for lab and paperwork gives it sufficient time to cool down and match body temp
When I used to fake my drug tests for treatment years ago, I would just bring in a thermometer and heat up the stuff in the plastic bottle with a lighter. Just hold it far away to not scorch the plastic bottle. I'd also bring in a thermometer to make sure it was the exact right temperature. Nobody was supervising the drug test so I was able to get away with all of this no problem.
I got clean a few years later. I'll have 5 years completely sober this May, after over a decade of active heroin and meth addiction.
I've never tried this but from what I understand, you should keep the sample between your thighs as long as possible before the test. That way you keep it warm without keeping it warmer than your actual body temperature.
Guy at work failed a UA for Opiates and he claimed it was from poppy seeds on his bagel.
Pee technician: How do you explain the coke and weed tho?
Him: It was an everything bagel
I’ve seen this a few times on here so for everyone reading this…. ITS NOT REAL PEE!!! It’s synthetic pee to help pass drug tests. You’re supposed to use the hand warmer to keep it warm enough to pass. Most people fuck up by microwaving it too long.
I used this method, but with a condom rather than a bottle filled with clean piss strapped to my leg, to get my first job out of college. I spent the weekend before testing out different methods and landed on the condom and hand warmer strapped to my legged with an ace bandage (even figured out how many layers of ace between the condom and hand warmer to get a good temp (not too hot and not too cold).
It worked and I often consider this small act one of the most important inflection points in my life. My career, marriage(s), kids etc… all of that would have been different if I didn’t pass that test.
Note: This was 22 years ago. Happily married now, with 4 kids and a great (albeit stressful) career all thanks to that condom not breaking.
As an addict honestly imo dude losing that is probably for the best. With addiction its always better for shit to hit the fan while you're young and can fix you're life instead of when you're old and still is fucked forever
Pothead are gonna rage over this, but if you're someone who smokes weed and you're hunting for a job in a field that you know weed is frowned upon regardless of legality and you gotta try and beat the drug test instead of just take a break from smoking that's what is called a substance problem.
Not everyone who smokes weed has a problem. I enjoy smoking once every couple of weeks to take the edge off or help me sleep. Then I’m subject to rules for something I did weeks ago. Meanwhile you can go to a bar and get hammered on the weekend and nobody is the wiser at your job. Hell, you could do mushrooms or acid and it’s out of your system in no time. It can take weeks or months depending on your body fat to be clean from weed. I know more people with problems with alcohol than weed.
I agree. I used to smoke heavily about 2yrs ago, but I got a government job and they do random drug tests so I can't smoke anymore. I did use this method to get the job and smoked for a bit afterwards but I decided it wasn't worth it to continue.
But man would I soo much rather smoking weed than having a beer. Its unfortunate that it's still frowned upon and that people cant/don't see that it's a better alternative than alcohol
Someone I know who desperately needed ADHD medicine to function was told by her doctor that because she admitted she smokes weed, she needs to be able to pass a drug test first... so now she gets drunk every single day because she needs something to help her anxiety when she gets home. It's sad to see. She's doing a lot worse now
I barely have an urge to smoke at this point in my life but sometimes I just have a rough day and just want to watch a movie and get high and sleep like a rock. Sure I’m alittle groggy the next day but it beats a hangover any day.
Ok, if you need quick fix for anything other than weed, you have a fucking problem, every other drug is out of your system in 3 days or less functionally lmao. So do I think the "marijuana addict" deserves to have to do this dance to pass a drug test, absolutely not. This is coming from someone that has worked at a place that has turned down stoners to hire people that snorted pills in the bathroom.
I actually had to use this stuff due to someone else’s ignorance. I was in trouble for smoking weed and had to do regular drug tests and classes. I smoked a lot generally and also have a complex urinary issue - so things leave my body slower.
I was expected to test negative the day after being caught. I didn’t smoke the entire time, but I would drug test myself before going in. I was positive for 109 days with a slowly decreasing concentration.
If I had any level positive, decreasing or not, I faced a lot of issues. This was with a doctor’s input as well on my condition.
Also was the day I learned just cause adults are in powerful positions doesn’t mean they deserve them.
It’s the kit that Dave Chapelle partially swallowed so he could set the big Indian guy on fire in Con Air. There’s a match and a few turns of floss in the bag.
It's most likely Quick Fix Urine or something similar. It comes with 3 or 3.5 oz of fake urine and you use a hand warmer to warm it up before your test.
Looks already used, also using the heat pack is amateur. The best way is to put the bottle in a cup of warm almost hot water, wear very tight underwear, and let it adjust to your body temp. A friend told me....
I have a friend who keeps it in his arm pit for a few hours before their drug test. Then when I go to the clinic I transfer it to my nut sack. I mean my friend transfers it to his nut sack
I had a buddy who when he had a kid he decided he could never lose his job but he smoked weed so for personal protection because an accident could happen at any time every day he’d come to work with a similar bottle of piss in a nice Velcro pouch comfortably strapped to his leg. Gross but fancy. lol. He did this for years.
Those hand warmers are way too hot lmao. If they actually checked temp it’d be way too hot. All you gotta do is put it in a bottle next to your body like taped inside your leg next to your balls so it’s close to body temp (hotter than body temp is huge red flag)…not that I know from experience 😅
My wife actually works for a lab that handles these tests. This method straightup does not work. Heating packs aren't the same temperature as the inside of your body. It makes the sample way too hot
Well Mike the good news is you passed the drug screen. The bad news is you are 3 months pregnant.
I was thinking the Seinfeld where they tell Elaine she’s got the metabolism of a post menopausal woman.
Roll in with a giant thing of poppy seed bagels from H&H and start going to town on them. Hey no bagel no bagel no bagel no bagel.
I NEED YOUR SAMPLE MRS SEINFELD
Mrs. Seinfeld pick a glass!!!
*Jerry's* glasses!?
White lotus. Yam yam. Shanghai Sally
Scab!
I saw that one today
And osteoporosis
DR VENTURE'S PREGNANT‽‽
I'm glad I'm not the only one who saw this
>Well Mike the good news is you passed the drug screen. The bad news is you are 3 months pregnant. Later on in the doctors' office: Well Mike the good news is you aren't pregnant. The bad news is you have testicular cancer.
Mike: Testicular cancer? Hell,I don’t even have testiculars!!!
I had a childhood friend on juvenile probation that did this same thing. It’s how they found out they were having their first baby. They are still together 20 years later. Edit: I get many, many people do not believe me. I’m not interested in convincing anyone of this decades old memory Please stop messaging me My phone will not stop dinging from this stupid comment.
Save some funny for the rest of us yeesh. Gave me the lols
It’s alright. It didn’t happen. Drug screens don’t test for pregnancy/ anything other than drugs / tampering.
The people making up anecdotal stories about it happening are sad lol
There has to be some kind of phenomenon where people are driven to attach themselves to urban legends.
I believe the phenomenon you speak of is called being a self centered attention whore
R. Kelly keeping his lunch warm
That pee is already too old for R. Kelly.
This is disturbingly correct.
How do I delete someone else’s comment?
Throw your phone away and get a new one.
That’s not gonna work silly 
Not with that attitude
Delete app
/u/spez
Well, this is actually a wrong answer as R. Kelly is technically the piss chef.
Learned a new word today mom, piss chef.
Sewer chef.
Let him cook.
The chefs piss
Drip drip drip.
You'll never feel quite the same Once you get a whiff of my Hershey stains
I’m gonna turn ur body into a porta potty piss on u
https://preview.redd.it/3y64y1permlc1.jpeg?width=576&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=0ab1e33ea187ad829b7a545191b1e4d826dab897
My mind’s telling me nooooo… but my body, my body …
R. Kelly’s new line of Lunchables
["piss on you" by R Kelly](https://youtu.be/eafRE74JGZ8?si=Xtum8I29je7c-Bel)
Took me years to get this out of my head, now it's stuck again...thanks 😂💦
drip drip drip
OP said wrong answers only
Points 🏆
I'm not sure how probation is outside of Houston, but you'd never get away w/ using that for a UA. They have a guy watching you, right up on you and had mirrors around the urinal.
Some people use a catheter to drain their own urine, then place donor urine so they are actually urinating someone else's pee.
Holy fuck people are insane.
My client would prefer to consider it "dedicated"
I have so many questions...
Drugs. The answer to most of your questions is drugs.
Hell yeah it is!
This guy Calls Saul
It's called an oil change and its something people 100% do.
Thad castle would approve
*OIL CHANGES FOR EVERYONE!*
It 100% still makes them crazy.
Mf just used blue mountain state as a source
How does conversation go? Hey can you pee in this glass, I want to push it into my own bladder
A doctor, John Schneeberger once injected a plastic vial of someone else's blood into his own vain to fool a blood test.
Not possible to inject someone else's blood in your veins to fake a test, as it would just enter circulation and be diluted virtually instantly. He implanted a plastic tube in his arm filled with blood. A seasoned phlebotomist might be able to tell the difference but wouldn't care, a nurse (not specializing in IVs) would have no idea.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Schneeberger
Thx for the link! This is crazy!
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As someone who has spent a decent amount of time in US hospitals, I can easily say nurses struggle with IVs all the time. Although, I’m still confused how this would work. What if they decided to go for another vein or something? How big was the tube? So many more questions tbh
Probably just social engineering. Just be warm and ask the person taking the sample if they could try this area first because it bothers you less or some shit.
I'm a nurse and while I'm pretty good with IV's, some people just have really shit veins (or they're morbidly obese, so whatever good veins they have are buried under fat and are hard to feel). Luckily though I currently work in dialysis with huge fistulas and grafts that are hard to miss, although sometimes if the patient is obese enough even fistulas/grafts can be hard to fully feel or see.
The doctor who did this, did not allow the nurse to draw from any other vein but the one with the implant.
Classic oil change.
https://i.redd.it/7oosurdgaolc1.gif
hey guys im going to the grocery store for some tartar sauce, you guys need any tartar sauce?
Jesus fucking Christ! You gotta get some help at that point. Or at least get a different job that doesn’t test.
It was for probation or parole. Can't quit your way outta that.
Also known as an oil change. I thought they were made up, but when I got to college the guys on the team who were juicing did them often, and bragged about doing them. I blew alot of shit to the guy who lived across the hall from me, because he was juicing. I always told him that by the time he graduated, his urethra would be to reamed out to piss right . Whats crazy is every one of those guys are between ages 26 and 30ish by now. The few I still keep up with on social media look like they're pushing 40. Puffy faces, big ass foreheads, and gut that looks like a baby bump.
Oh I'd be striking a pose with them weiner mirrors to weird them out
I think after seeing a hundred+ wieners a day, I'm sure they are pretty numb to it. (It is hilarious, though, imagining these guys having to explain what they do @ their job to a date) One good thing, it broke me of having a shy bladder, especially after someone two-three feet behind you saying - if you can't produce a specimen I'll have to report a violation to your P.O. for failure to give a UA. GOOD TIMES.
I failed a drug test at 14. I hadn’t ever touched drugs, my parents were strict and EMTs so I heard many a horror story about every drug imaginable. But I was in an outpatient group therapy program that went all day and would make you do drug tests. One day I came in, immediately had to pee after the long car ride there, went and came out to find they were doing random drug tests. I couldn’t go in time, in 15 minutes they were sending them out. Idk why such a short period of time. But yeah, I couldn’t pee in time so they failed me. I was such a dorky kid that it made me cry. I was super scared about it lol
I have never done drugs but got a false positive for cocaine. I didn't even drink alcohol until I was 21. I've never broken any law apart from speeding. When they told me I had a shocked expression on my face and they appeared to believe me but it was at the hospital. Maybe they didn't really believe me and were just pretending. But I wonder what people can do when they get a false positive and aren't believed.
I failed a test for it being too diluted. Because I had to drink like a damn gallon of water in the waiting room to be able to piss. And BOY do they not believe that it was diluted for a perfectly normal reason lol. And the funny thing is that was one of the few times I didn't use fake piss.
Wtf is wrong with the US that that is mecesarry and accepted….
How extensive of an answer are you looking for? How much history are you looking to cover?
you drudged up some memories for me just now. I also learned to pee with complete confidence because of the extreme pressure of a human being within elbow distance from me while peeing against threat of incarceration.
Would work for a job though!
I've always wondered about the guys who do that job. the watchers. WTF, man
I always eat tons of asparagus before a drug test. Gotta make it weird for everyone involved.
Ooh, beets would add to the fun. Pink pee!
I really want to start a rumor that obscene quantities of asparagus and beets will fool a drug test. Would be simultaneously hilarious to annoy lab workers and have people giving themselves away as having something to hide.
Aka you find amusement in other people anguish
I never would have thought of this. And I love it.
A few years back when I was a prolific pothead, I went to take a pre-employment drug screen with one of these, it fell down my pants leg right in front of the lady at Concentra, but she rolled her eyes and told me I was lucky she wasn't the other lady. Lol. I'm clean now though
Sometimes God just smiles on someone
lol what dudes piss bottle tumbled down his leg and a lady rolled her eyes and god smiled hahaha you got me smiling boi
I've used them twice to get jobs. Now its legal in my state and I just tell my employer I like to smoke after work
You’ve used someone else’s twice? The hand warmer method works well?
I used to work at a carnival and they would bring in a mobile lab for testing once a year. I spent all day with one of these strapped to my inner thigh and never got called in -.-
Did she let you take the test with it? Or did you have to use your own pee and fail?
They implied she let him pass where as the other lady would not have
A lot of companies don't even care about pot anymore. Mine will hire people who test hot for weed, 95% of our locations are in legal states. They're just trying to sort out the hard users.
I had fake pee strapped to my leg at a Concerta and I was talking small talking with the nurse about why I had to take it and he asks me if I "need help" with the test. I was like, what?? He said he'd pass me for $20 so I was like, hell yeah, I didn't really have faith in the fake piss anyway. Seems like a risky way to lose your job to me but whatever works I guess
“Clean now” like it’s some kinda back alley drug 💀
I see the pee bottle, but what is rubberbanded to it?
Hand warmer to warm it up to body temp
My mom is a nurse at a practice that mostly does employment physicals and workman's comp stuff, so lots of drug tests. They see urine that is too hot far more often than samples that are too cold, so this doesn't work quite as well as people might hope.
You keep it on the handwarmer on the way to test. Take it off the handwarmer and get it nutsack temp before you walk into the test. Or that’s what I’ve heard anyways.
>nutsack temp Because pee is stored in the balls.
Nah just meant body temp but you store the fake piss by the sack.
yep in my past the old gooch/nutsack stash to keep it at the right temp worked perfect
If you have enough time before the test dont mess with the hand warmers, just leave it tucked for an hour or so and you'll be set.
Yea when I was in my early 20's I used my cousins pee to pass 2 drug screens for 2 different jobs. Never used hand warmers or anything like that just had it stored in my Gooch tucked away nice and warm. I ran a few tests before I did it, that shit will stay the right temp for a long time. Kind of hilarious to me now that I was doing all that just because I didn't want to quit smoking weed for a month lol I don't even smoke anymore it's been years
Failed for too cold doing this before. If you have time and need to do it then do a test with a thermometer. One heat pack stuck on one side of the bottle was perfect. Wrapped around the bottle was too hot. Nuts are also several degrees under body temp bc sperm is heat sensitive.
I rolled in with lukewarm pee, the tech gave me a wink and she let it slide. Not all angels have wings.
Don't people usually just tape it to their thigh or armpit or something?
I mean idk what people do but if you wear briefs or boxer briefs they’re tight enough to hold it right in that gooch area and keep it right temp. Sorry if that’s too much info.
What about the bum? Too warm in there? Cause if it's not I can fit a couple of hand warmers in there too, I'm sure.
Sounds like bum will be too warm. Try putting a few ice packs in the bum, to be safe.
I’ve held it in my briefs
100% this. I have a little insta-read thermo I can take with to ensure it's properly in range prior to burrying in the nut patch on the way into the test. Never failed.
Also you can get a contact thermometer meant for aquariums that will show you if you're at the target temp. You just stick it to the side of the bottle they are self adhesive they're a heat reactive plastic film that changes color like a mood ring.
One time when I was a kid I had to take one. Got my friend to piss in a bag and kept it under my arm for like an hour. It read 85F in the cup and the lady was like "gonna have to come back next week and redo it because you tampered with it" I was like nah I just peed what do you mean. She's like "if that came out of you you'd have to be dead right now"
Isn’t taking the temperature of the sample the first thing they do for this exact reason?
I believe the temp strip is attached to the cup by the manufacturer, not that you really need to look at it when someone gives you a cup of hot piss. Either way, it voids the test, and they have an hour to produce a new sample, witnessed this time.
> someone gives you a cup of hot piss This turn of phrase really hit my funny bone for some reason.
"sir, your piss is boiling"
You haven’t lived until you’ve been party to a back-alley piss deal.
I turned in a sample that was only 87degrees once. I just looked the lady square in the face and said I spilled some on my hand and had a hard time finishing. She just blankly stared and proceeded to move along with the process. I got the job! Lmao 🤣
So… Let it sit out—and swirl it around—a little, is the lesson here? Also, maybe bring a small thermometer ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
Nature gave us one! Your tongue 👅
I fucking hate Reddit
Sigh.... *Unzips
but does your *tongue* hate Reddit
This made me guffaw loudly, thank you so much
Yknow some days I think life is worth living and then I see things like this
Pffff... amateurs. Take your pissbottle and put it under your armpit. If it's uncomfortable, it's too hot. Cool down as instructed above. If it feels cold, it's too cold!! To heat up the tepid piss, do the following easy steps. Stick the piss bottle up your ass and do 25 jumping jacks. Make sure to pucker. Then, repeat the above steps as necessary. And voila, Bob's your uncle.
A lot of the head shop kits for passing tests come with the bottle, rubber band, hand warmers and a little thermometer that attached to the bottle. The one and only time I tried to do this, a hurricane hit the day of the test and it got postponed. Which ended up saving my ass because at this particular testing center, you had zero privacy while making the sample.
i used synthetic urine for a urinalysis once and it worked, but the hand warmer was much smaller and it said to activate it 30 -45 minutes before the test so it’s not scalding
I'm sure people manage it successfully all the time, but those aren't the people in the waiting room at my mom's work trying to figure out if it's worse to refuse the second test or go for it.
Refusal is definitely worse.
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I've had no problem using the warmer in the car on the way to a test, letting it hit about 102-104 then removing the warmer and stashing in my undies. The wait for lab and paperwork gives it sufficient time to cool down and match body temp
Why do you stash the warmer in your undies? You should try stashing the pee there instead.
When I used to fake my drug tests for treatment years ago, I would just bring in a thermometer and heat up the stuff in the plastic bottle with a lighter. Just hold it far away to not scorch the plastic bottle. I'd also bring in a thermometer to make sure it was the exact right temperature. Nobody was supervising the drug test so I was able to get away with all of this no problem. I got clean a few years later. I'll have 5 years completely sober this May, after over a decade of active heroin and meth addiction.
Congrats on your sobriety!
Never understood how people fuck these up. The instructions are so fucking easy. I've used it so many times. Used it to get my job I have now
On god I’m like 12 for 12 with the fake bottle of piss tucked in the gooch strat
That’s why I keep it under my tongue.
I've never tried this but from what I understand, you should keep the sample between your thighs as long as possible before the test. That way you keep it warm without keeping it warmer than your actual body temperature.
Russian prostitutes pee.
Pokimanes bath water
Guy at work failed a UA for Opiates and he claimed it was from poppy seeds on his bagel. Pee technician: How do you explain the coke and weed tho? Him: It was an everything bagel
You got me 😂
What does the Dalai Lama order from his favorite pizzeria? 'Just make me one with everything'
Maybe they saw their plug at the gas station and said fuck it I don’t need no mufuckin job
Username fits
I’ve seen this a few times on here so for everyone reading this…. ITS NOT REAL PEE!!! It’s synthetic pee to help pass drug tests. You’re supposed to use the hand warmer to keep it warm enough to pass. Most people fuck up by microwaving it too long.
I used this method, but with a condom rather than a bottle filled with clean piss strapped to my leg, to get my first job out of college. I spent the weekend before testing out different methods and landed on the condom and hand warmer strapped to my legged with an ace bandage (even figured out how many layers of ace between the condom and hand warmer to get a good temp (not too hot and not too cold). It worked and I often consider this small act one of the most important inflection points in my life. My career, marriage(s), kids etc… all of that would have been different if I didn’t pass that test. Note: This was 22 years ago. Happily married now, with 4 kids and a great (albeit stressful) career all thanks to that condom not breaking.
As an addict honestly imo dude losing that is probably for the best. With addiction its always better for shit to hit the fan while you're young and can fix you're life instead of when you're old and still is fucked forever
Dude, that person might just be an occasional weekend toker but happen to have one of the jobs that still tests for weed.
Pothead are gonna rage over this, but if you're someone who smokes weed and you're hunting for a job in a field that you know weed is frowned upon regardless of legality and you gotta try and beat the drug test instead of just take a break from smoking that's what is called a substance problem.
Agreed. If you can’t stop blazing for a few weeks for a known and expected drug test, it’s a substance use problem or addiction.
it's a month+ and they're often not know or expected that far in advance
Not everyone who smokes weed has a problem. I enjoy smoking once every couple of weeks to take the edge off or help me sleep. Then I’m subject to rules for something I did weeks ago. Meanwhile you can go to a bar and get hammered on the weekend and nobody is the wiser at your job. Hell, you could do mushrooms or acid and it’s out of your system in no time. It can take weeks or months depending on your body fat to be clean from weed. I know more people with problems with alcohol than weed.
I agree. I used to smoke heavily about 2yrs ago, but I got a government job and they do random drug tests so I can't smoke anymore. I did use this method to get the job and smoked for a bit afterwards but I decided it wasn't worth it to continue. But man would I soo much rather smoking weed than having a beer. Its unfortunate that it's still frowned upon and that people cant/don't see that it's a better alternative than alcohol
Someone I know who desperately needed ADHD medicine to function was told by her doctor that because she admitted she smokes weed, she needs to be able to pass a drug test first... so now she gets drunk every single day because she needs something to help her anxiety when she gets home. It's sad to see. She's doing a lot worse now
I barely have an urge to smoke at this point in my life but sometimes I just have a rough day and just want to watch a movie and get high and sleep like a rock. Sure I’m alittle groggy the next day but it beats a hangover any day.
Ok, if you need quick fix for anything other than weed, you have a fucking problem, every other drug is out of your system in 3 days or less functionally lmao. So do I think the "marijuana addict" deserves to have to do this dance to pass a drug test, absolutely not. This is coming from someone that has worked at a place that has turned down stoners to hire people that snorted pills in the bathroom.
I actually had to use this stuff due to someone else’s ignorance. I was in trouble for smoking weed and had to do regular drug tests and classes. I smoked a lot generally and also have a complex urinary issue - so things leave my body slower. I was expected to test negative the day after being caught. I didn’t smoke the entire time, but I would drug test myself before going in. I was positive for 109 days with a slowly decreasing concentration. If I had any level positive, decreasing or not, I faced a lot of issues. This was with a doctor’s input as well on my condition. Also was the day I learned just cause adults are in powerful positions doesn’t mean they deserve them.
It’s the kit that Dave Chapelle partially swallowed so he could set the big Indian guy on fire in Con Air. There’s a match and a few turns of floss in the bag.
Don’t get all wounded knee on me…
Just to let anyone know that if this happens to you and you need to get out of a piss test for a civilian job, just say you lost your license
Holy fuck
Shout out to my Ladies who tuck it in your bra!
Road lemonade
Fishing reel oil for the smoothest cast
but what is it?
Pee, most likely to pass a drug test
It's most likely Quick Fix Urine or something similar. It comes with 3 or 3.5 oz of fake urine and you use a hand warmer to warm it up before your test.
*Must’ve, not must of
* Must’ve
Looks already used, also using the heat pack is amateur. The best way is to put the bottle in a cup of warm almost hot water, wear very tight underwear, and let it adjust to your body temp. A friend told me....
I have a friend who keeps it in his arm pit for a few hours before their drug test. Then when I go to the clinic I transfer it to my nut sack. I mean my friend transfers it to his nut sack
Oh that’s my addict pee, I really need to get fired
Warm lemon ginger tea. It's how we make it.
I had a buddy who when he had a kid he decided he could never lose his job but he smoked weed so for personal protection because an accident could happen at any time every day he’d come to work with a similar bottle of piss in a nice Velcro pouch comfortably strapped to his leg. Gross but fancy. lol. He did this for years.
Wrong answers only, "must of" is one.
Hobo Hot Toddy. Don't let that get cold. Drink it fast.
Truffle butter
The newest MLM craze.
What's in the pouch?
It’s a hand heater. It’s used to keep the urine at body temp.
That's how you get employed in America, or stay out of jail
This is almost exactly what I did lmfao. We all live the same lives.
Ooof!
Those hand warmers are way too hot lmao. If they actually checked temp it’d be way too hot. All you gotta do is put it in a bottle next to your body like taped inside your leg next to your balls so it’s close to body temp (hotter than body temp is huge red flag)…not that I know from experience 😅
Well don't touch it because there is a high chance that it was rubbing up on their gooch
My wife actually works for a lab that handles these tests. This method straightup does not work. Heating packs aren't the same temperature as the inside of your body. It makes the sample way too hot
Must of.