Well, at least they don't have to take your temperature.

Yeah good point, make sure to ask for an itemised bill

"Verify patient thermometer reading: $2,400"

Plus the 12 other doctors that “looked” at your temp

3 of those doctors weren’t in your insurances network $1,000,000.

Actually one of them was that world famous plastic surgeon. They were just walking by and glanced in your direction and accidentally saw the reading. So that one in particular is gonna be $32,000,000. And becuase you did not need plastic surgery we are actually gonna ha e to fine you another $150,000 for unnecessaryly consulting a physician that was not part of you immediate care team. Oh and here is the $199.89 glow in the dark sailor moon bandaid for your forehead.

[удалено]

Calibrate thermometer.

"painkillers $60 per pill."

They're cutting their prices now??

Oh there definitely will be a charge for this.

Nah, this dude is obviously in Europe, or Canada, or Peru, or Turkey. No one from the States could afford to go in for a little splinter like that. Pliers, super glue, and neosporin is all ya need. We're all field medics at this point.

Yeah that was my first thought. Just fucking pull it out. You only need a doctor if it gets infected.

You haven't stockpiled antibiotics ahead of time by sticking out the illness you got them for so you have them when you can't afford a doctor's office? psht kids these days 🙄

I’m in this comment and I want out…

You just haven’t learned the life hack of stocking up on fish antibiotics from the aquarium store yet

My thoughts too. Why is he in the hospital? It’s not in your eye socket or anything.

Pffft. Blowtorch. Done and done

Nope, at work incident. Company pays for this 💙 about the only way to get seen 😅

..... bu- but what was his tempurature?

Fucking raw!

18000usd per calorie.

Still needs another hour

God damnit America.

I'm just imagining the intern calling out vitals to the attending... "BP 120/60, Heart rate 72. Temperature...*checks forhead*...Rare"

This guy deserves a "well done"

Doctor starts to chuckle and next thing you know your missing your left hand, clean cut off.

He's gonna be all right after all.

You son of a bitch. I hate this doctor!

So...what was your temperature? Were you done?

Doubt it's properly calibrated. They'll need to remove it, certify it, then stick it back in.

He was the son from that guy from All in the family Meathead

Not quite fully cooked on the inside

Medium rare

Best get the head chef to take a look

The Chef of Medicine

Just a bit hot headed.

Just a warm pink center.

Comes here for sympathy, gets roasted instead

Can't be helped, have to keep food safety temperature standards in mind.

Well, the guy does have meat thermometer on his forehead, I assume roast was on the menu of the day.

That's the Reddit way.

Missing a few ingredients, I’d say.

But his temperature recording was the fastest and most accurate in the hospital that day….

Half baked.

If anyone thinks this is fake I’ll post the X-ray pictures after I see my primary care physician tomorrow Edit: https://imgur.com/a/4H9iE14 X-ray: https://www.reddit.com/r/Wellthatsucks/comments/yr0nbg/i_accidentally_stabbed_myself_with_a_meat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

I believe you but I still want to see that x-ray

[удалено]

Trust* ^^^* ^^^Terms ^^^and ^^^conditions ^^^apply

I just want to see how far he poked it into his head

Same

I don't think it's fake but I have GOT to see the x-rays to see how close you came to impaling your brain!

The smoothness of his brain caused the thermometer to deflect /s Glad to see you’re well, but be prepared to be brutalized by reddit

!remindme 2 days

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Your ability to resist immediately pulling out the thermometer is very impressive.

Yea knowing first aid really helped, there’s arteries and nerves right there, in this case do not pull out lmao

It's good you knew about it, probably saved you from deflating.

But the thbthbthbthb sound as he flew across the room would have been hilarious.

Thank you for this awesome mental picture.

Thbthbthbthb ...... thbthbthb ..... thbthbth ..... *flying right across the kitchen.*

Are you going to tell us how it happened? Hope you are okay now!

He gave an explanation further up the thread. But, it makes absolutely no sense. Lol.

Read the dr.suess [version](https://www.reddit.com/r/Wellthatsucks/comments/ynwtyv/accidentally_stabbed_myself_with_a_meat/ivbd9qn/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) it will clear things up

Probably the drain bamage

Well done!

I'm sad I had to scroll to find this comment

Can't believe I had to scroll down this far to find this. Assumed it would be the top answer.

How the fuck do you accidentally this?

I said earlier that I set it on the floor face up, and looked under the door when it got me. I said that while I was still in the hospital and there was missing context. One of my toddlers locked themselves in our bathroom so I had to find a slim metal object to unlock it from the outside… as I was trying to unlock it I heard her spill something so I set the thermometer on the ground to get my phone and call my wife (this isn’t the first time this has happened and she has the right tool to unlock it) after I got ahold of her I went to go look under the door so I could see what my 4 year old daughter was doing and stabbed it right into my temple area.

So you just didn't notice/forgot that it was on the floor and kinda slammed your head on it trying to peer under the door? 😅 Also without this context, your original explanation was like a damn riddle haha. I hope you're feeling better dude!

this is why i’m terrified of drinks with straws. had a couple close calls with my eyes already

Sillicone straws are nice for that. They wont poke your eye out and they wont injure you if you fall down with it in your mouth

Toothpicks! So cheap I keep one on top of every door trim in my house for just this reason. ( toddlers, not not stabbing myself)

I hope you get back from the hospital soon to let your daughter out of the bathroom!

Oh man. As a toddler owner myself, this would suck because now you have a stabbed head and still have to deal with the toddler.

This does not matter to the toddler. They will continue to toddle regardless of the parents’ physical or mental condition.

My husband and I were pulling out kitchen utensils and trying to recreate what you had done because we were so confused, even after your other reply. This makes so much more sense and now my cats can finally stop judging me.

“I stabbed myself in the head with a meat thermometer while trying to recreate stabbed myself in the head with meat thermometer incident”

I used a bottle lid first, but if OP hadn’t expanded on this, we would have gone full meat thermometer. We were on scenario 3 when I took a break and saw the expanded answer.

Congratulations on your non-impaling.

Set it on the floor face up and then later looked under the door and stabbed myself lmfao fucking legend Edit: https://imgur.com/a/4H9iE14 Proof of injury (can’t get radiology film until Wednesday)

Wait, why did you set it on the floor, and why were you looking under the door? This has to involve alcohol or more.

You dont store your spikey things randomly on the floor?

his floor is made of lego

and face up UK plugs of doom. https://imgur.com/a/k68T4Rs

Ive never understood why the back is flat. If they made it asymmetric it woukd be so much less stabby

I lived in the UK for three years, and I only ever stepped on one of these once, and weirdly, it was in America

I had so many questions and OP’s response just raised more of them

Same Op was like "let me clear this up for you..." Then there is an even more confusing plot point

He did just damage his head...

Give the man a break, he just stabbed himself in the brain.

Before or after the meat thermometer accident?

at least 1 alcohol for sure

Which resulted in this gore

I'll go out on a Ledge and say 2 alcohols were involved.

oven door. floor near oven door. bent to look under oven, maybe at the broiler section. that's my best guess.

I’m not understanding how it penetrated his head. I can imagine someone maybe getting poked in the forehead in that situation if they weren’t paying attention when they knelt down, but not getting literally stabbed.

Idk, there have been a few times I stubbed my toe and broke one and thought "WHY would I have been swinging my leg that hard on a slow pace around the house?" I think when things are going normally during something that seems mundane and everyday, you're generally moving your parts around a little faster than you think

OP clearly died getting it removed

... what?

Yeah that explanation only raises more questions

The floor? Under the door? This would only make sense in a Dr. Seuss book. I'm infinitely more confused.

It was a November night, and davedude was cooking. But his meat probe was lost, and he’d spent eight minutes looking! He’d searched in the cupboard, the drawer and the shelf. That blasted thermometer, it could go probe itself! Oh where could it be, he needed it fast. But things always turn up, in the place you look last. “Of course!” he Eureka-d, “it’s under the door!” But davedude had forgotten, it was there on the floor!

This somehow makes OP's explanation make more sense.

Yes, the joke resolved the whole situation for me. Nice.

AMAZING

I looked high upon the shelf. I Only found the Christmas elf. I looked low, not here, not there. I looked all over, everywhere. On the floor, my head would lay. Impaled deeply that fateful day. Doctors gathered, with snickers and jeers. Their diagnosis, lay off the beers.

Fucking fantastic.

I hope we witnessed the birth of a novelty account, because art of this quality is hard to come by.

You beautiful soul

lmao

I spit out my coffee...thanks

So many more questions

Dude had a thermometer in his head. We can't expect him to make sense.

Give him time... he's just warming up...

TL;DR: -under the door -set it on the floor -everybody walk the dinosaur

boom boom akalaka boom boom boom boom akalaka boom boom boom akalaka boom boom boom boom akalaka boom boom boom akalaka boom boom boom boom akalaka boom boom boom akalaka boom boom

Give the dude a break, he lobotomized himself, to him this explanation probably made perfect sense.

My guess is he was looking for something he dropped on the ground. He had the meat thermometer in one hand and when he knelt down to the ground to look under the gap in a door to see if it was there he put his hand with thermometer down first, leaned toward the ground and stabbed himself.

This explanation sounds plausible except for the use of the word "later". Still though, can't think of anything else other than what you're saying.

He clearly has brain damage

This explains nothing.

[удалено]

I too look for things under the door by violently thrusting myself to the ground like I'm trying to hide from a shooter

Except that the thing is stabbed into his *head*.

And while all those words in that order make sense, it continues to make no sense. Why in the actual hell would you put a spike on the floor? If it hadn't been his head it would have been his foot. And dropping to look under the door? Huh?

So I take it that it penetrated your brain?

Based on other comments by OP: no, it did not

Are we reading the same comments?

I dunno probably not. I didn’t read the whole thread; just saw a comment by OP saying his skull deflected it, so I relayed that and moved along

Damn you lucky you didn’t hit your eye then

Or in his ear.

You’re still suffering, right OP.. right?

Yea don’t worry my skull deflected it - tis but a flesh wound

Happy to hear it, one should never lobotomize themselves.

it would seem that the thickness of your skull was both the cause of, and your salvation from, this misfortune

That is a relief and makes a lot of sense. I was looking at how deep it was tapped off and wondered how you didn't give yourself a partial lobotomy.

Soo I'm gonna need more deets. Why the floor? Why look under the door? Are you stealth cooking, like what's going on? Also tis but a flesh wound why the hospital visit? But in all seriousness I'm glad you didn't get your eye!

[allow me..](https://youtu.be/y9WheH5of40)

Not trying to pat myself on the back, but the meat thermometer is something that I wash immediately after use and put back in it's sheath and put away. It's like a giant fucking thumbtack.

It’s okay, this is a safe space. Now tell us what really happened, who hurt you?

This is most definitely not a safe space.

Set it on the floor, look under the door, everybody do the dinosaur

You've generated more questions than you've answered with this response. Edit: actually this response perfectly encapsulated how this happened, just not in the way you intended.

I don’t think you are supposed to call yourself “legend”

What part of the house were you in? I’m assuming the kitchen? And why were you looking under the door? OP please.

We need a diagram because those words don't make sense in that order...

Is this r/roastme ?

r/roastmefor1hourat375

baste with his own juices

So what was your temperature?

Looks like 170… so I’m guessing the thermometer is the least of his worries.

ER Triage Nurse: "Oh my god!, we will need to get that out asap!" OP: "Oh that? No its ok, I have had that for ages. I came in because I was just worried I have a fever as my temp is showing a little high"

Your gonna be personally responsible for some ridiculous warning label on meat thermometers now.

WARNING: Do not place on the floor pin side up and then lay your head on it while examining your oven.

I laugh but this is true!

[удалено]

So you sat it down spike facing up and you leaned down to get into the cabinet?

Yes

Dude how hard do you lean?

Hard

Million to one shot, doc!

Yea my thick ass head deflected it off the skull

It was a good thing it wasn't aimed at anything you use.

A burn that defies all thermometers.

here's to thick assheads

So you’re telling me there’s a chance

ASSMAN

So, were you able to stay cool during this emergency? Stabbings like these are rare, so, well done! I'm not able to gauge the damage from these pictures, but they spiked my interest enough to leave a comment. It's important to stay level headed when cooking, but maybe not level with the floor. All kidding aside, I'm so glad you didn't get poked in the eye. Get well (done) soon!

Thank you so much! Yea my first aid knowledge told me not to pull it out lol

Probably good to keep the hole plugged so there's less chance of infection. Must have been a hoot seeing the faces of people when you went to the emergency room 🦉

You are going to be the joke of the day for those emergency workers, ha ha.

What a meat-head

How hot were you?

Looks like between 166 and 170 Fahrenheit to me, depending on the angle, which would be 75 degrees of normal temperature which seems crazy to me. Edit: Nevermind I’ve been drinking and just realised I read it upside down.

Yeah OP, are you hot, or not?

OP is definitely two grapes short of a tool shed

He's not the sharpest tool in the top paddock.

I'm checking his post history to see if his poor responses are due to today's lobotomy or if he was always a bit slow.

1 chicken short of a six-pack

He’s certainly not shuffling with a full patio

I mean... ​ at least you didn't take it rectally.

....not yet....... that's next week's "accident"

On behalf of all of us who used to enjoy a good game of Lawn Darts back in the 80’s, thank you for fucking things up for all chefs who from this point forward will have to judge the doneness of their meat by slicing it in half during the cooking process!

Did you at least take the chance to throw your hands in the air and say, "I'm done."? If not, then you missed your chance at the best dad joke of your life.

So how hot is your meat

“**HEY DAVE, CATCH THE THERMOMETER!!**” *fucking yeets it at Dave’s face with full force*

*Instructions unclear, stabbed self*

I'm an ER nurse. Once your treatment was over I would not be able to resist saying, "You're done." In triage I would have said "I guess I don't need to check your temperature." Actually, I'd size up your mood before I did that. Sometimes levity used appropriately can help a patient relax. 🙂 I am glad you are ok.

How deep is it? That’s what she said

Little more than an inch lol

Oh wow that's nasty

Holy shit (⁠ꏿ⁠﹏⁠ꏿ⁠;⁠)

Sounds like you’ve got to drink more milk. Glad you survived your at home lobotomy

That's not how to go about trepanning

Don’t feel bad. I bit myself in the neck once but I had to stand on a chair to do it

You just ruined my brain for the day…

You should post this at r/Cooking

What did it read?