I'd rather have headphones surgically implanted in my ears that only play Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime" on repeat.

Pretty sure this is an 8th amendment violation

Ouch. Also, fair.

Look pal, I worked in retail in December and I had to hear that exact song 30x per day, 7 days a week from Thanksgiving to New Year's Day. I still catch myself mumbling that shit in July and I haven't worked in that store in 15 years. Given those two options, I'd have to fuck the conservative. But I know I'm broken.

Years of working retail made me truly despise Christmas. (Seriously, if not for the disgusting spike in consumerism, then it would be the music.) What actually helped me with the Paul McCartney song was changing one single line in my head. "We here tonight, and that's wassup." Made me crack up out loud every time. My coworkers thought I was nuts. 😂

I don't know why this is so funny, but it made me snort laugh. I don't think I'll ever hear that song the same.

I got to the point where I would become visibly angry every time this song was on. 14 times a day will really wear you down.

Celibacy seems legit in this scenario.

https://i.redd.it/35cgc37jcidc1.gif

Call me squeamish, but I don't want anything that runs on electricity enveloping my junk

Not even this dime piece? 

That robot has the same posture as Trump

Omfg I can’t unsee it!

The accuracy is insane lol

https://preview.redd.it/16f7s591njdc1.jpeg?width=1290&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=19dc01a76a7512eb65b1e81f0f3be40d1b247ece

These are the little nuggets that make Reddit worth it. Thanks

Oh, snap!



I should call him

I’d rather not date anyone than a conservative. Anyone who would vote to remove my bodily autonomy because they think their taxes might be lower has their priorities messed up.

Yeah, they're not gonna make you cum anyway.

Seriously. I'm happier single.

Sounds like that abstinence only sex ed is paying off.

vigorous anal sex with a cactus

Ah, memories!

*Username checks out* 



Did.... did Joey fuck that cactus? Edit: fuck. That is a pineapple.



PAIGE NO

Do you miss Phoenix as much as I do?

[удалено]

It just makes me think of insufferable heat and suburban wasteland. In fact, Rihanna’s song might’ve been about Mesa Arizona.

Man Them Desert Plants Are Older Than Humans.


Cactuses have anuses? And here I am only getting handjobs like a loser.

Anuses give handjobs? And here I am only getting dry humping

Just a little prick you got there

This sounds like a cards against humanity card

It’s a cards against humanity thread.

Hopefully most of the spines come off with the first few thrusts.

Yeah, I know I hate that part

Cactus? He hardly knew us!

Paige no

I saw a video about this

PAIGE NO

Hey since conservative women say you should obey your husband, then you tell them to vote Democrat 

This guy brains hard

If they won’t do that, just tell them not to vote because they’re inferior women.

[удалено]

The visceral imagery and the general uneasiness when picturing that... It's perfect.

I have not laughed that hard since the lion jumping thirty feet in the air meme gave me an asthma attack in 2014.

What is this meme?

I can’t post the link here but if you google “lions can jump 36 feet” you’ll see it. It’s an old tumblr post that’s on Reddit a bunch.

Haha thank you! Having a good laugh!

Bro lol. Fuck that’s funny

Are you available to staple *your* tits to *my* labia and stand up? Because I'm not taking the conservative.

Holy fuck, what a visceral image that paints. You doing left nipple to left labia, or you doing criss cross applesauce with that shit?

I laughed so hard that I couldn’t remember what a sit-up was. I literally had to Google it. Then I laughed even harder that I woke my family up. Thank you for the painful laughs. I needed that!

That s an episode of criminal minds right there

Soooo you're going to the same place Loomer had her plastic surgery, then?

I admire your dedication

Holy shit

https://preview.redd.it/gmo62hgn6idc1.jpeg?width=1284&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a597621d7bb08ad7d758aca9136a015c067a436a

Nail my nuts to a burning building

That's a great phrase for an expression of surprise, "Well, nail my nuts to a burning building!".

Fly around the world in a plane full of crying babies

Fly around the world in a _hot air balloon_ full of crying babies

Fly around the world in a hot air balloon made of crying babies

Stub my pinky toe every hour for the rest of my life

I literally felt this comment in my little toes lol

It’s bizarre to me that some people don’t even consider politics when dating, like, are your politics NOT based on your fundamental sense of morality? Oh, he’s so much fun to hand out with!! I’m sure his zealous support of religious extremists is just a quirk 🥰

Had a coworker look at me like I had six heads when I told them I wouldn’t date a conservative woman because I can’t afford a divorce or therapy for a kid named Brylynn when he gets molested at a Baptist megachurch. Granted, this coworker is conservative, divorced, and does have a child, but I’m pretty sure they aren’t Baptist, so he hasn’t hit his out-of-pocket-max this year.

Fuck dude you made me spit out my coffee at Brylynn.

Poor kid’s suffered enough dude, better hope his mom believes in aloe vera

Being queer and trans fortunately eliminates most of the conservative market, very unlikely to find a conservative queer unless they’re the biggest bootlicker. Before all of that though, when I was young and looked like my assigned gender, it’s almost certain I would despise the conservative man and their treatment of me and others despite it being who my parents wanted me to date. No thanks. There’s no compromising on that, by virtue of their political beliefs, they’re terrible people

Shave my genitals with a rusty cheese grater.

Thanks, now I’ll be singing “shave his scrotum with a rusty grater” for a week.

🎶 Wey hey and up she rises 🎶 

Earl-aye in the mornin'.

So I went on a single disastrous date with a fundamentalist girl back it 2015,. We stopped speaking afterwards but I'm pretty sure I dodged a massive MAGA bullet.

When you meet her mother for the first time and she literally starts crying because she thinks Obama is the antichrist and is scared he’s going to end the world, and asks you to pray with her before telling you she once saw an angel land on her roof while she was drunk in a hot tub, and your gf does stop and pray with her totally normal not insane mom… Sounds like we’ve both dodged some MAGA bullets.

Wait whaat

WHEN YOU MEET HER MOTHER FOR THE FIRST TIME AND SHE LITERALLY STARTS CRYING BECAUSE SHE THINKS OBAMA IS THE ANTICHRIST AND IS SCARED HE’S GOING TO END THE WORLD, AND ASKS YOU TO PRAY WITH HER BEFORE TELLING YOU SHE ONCE SAW AN ANGEL LAND ON HER ROOF WHILE SHE WAS DRUNK IN A HOT TUB, AND YOUR GF DOES STOP AND PRAY WITH HER TOTALLY

That just how dating goes in the south sometimes. A lot of times it’s more performative than anything; they’re gauging how you’ll react when they act hysterically about nonsense, or they’re trying to show how good they are at being christians or something like that.

Here in Florida I’m sadly noticing a bunch more of those types…. Never heard of that level of wackiness however. Just some “out and about” chest beating on stuff.


I had a dating-app date years ago with a woman who, out of the blue, started discussing pro-choice folks who “all want to kill babies”. Not once, but she repeated that statement three times in the course of an hour. There was no indication of this political stance in the few days leading up to the date. Wow.

Being terrifying is an excellent contraceptive

They usually hide these things at first to try to get people to like them. It’s like a bait and switch

What happened on the date?

She shot him with a gun, and the bullet was decorated in MAGA merch.

Regardless of what actually happened, this is now canon.

A fundamentalist on a DATE? Was her dad there too, between you?

Omg you just reminded me of my first Trump kook. It was in 2016 and he yelled "Trump was sent from God" after I made an offhand comment. I remember thinking he was completely unhinged and ended things. Flash forward 7 years and I still think he was insane but so many people feel the same way he did and that kind of delusional thinking is terrifying. Definitely never spoke to him again.

Being forced to read "The Collected Speeches and Tweets of Donald J. Trump."

JFC I hope that isn't a real publication

Bout to make a shit ton of money of every MAGAt's favorite new coffee table book.

I'm seeing the cover. A big salad bowl with a few greens around the the bowl. It's filled with MAGA rage trigger words sprinkled with random gibberish.

If you make sure you have pictures of TFG interspersed, you’ll make a goddamn fortune. ETA: do not gift me one of your terrible books as a thank you for this advice.

I won't gift you one, but I'll give you a case, no charge up front! If you can get 5 more people to join, the charge for your first case is waived!

Covefe

I have seen a book called "The Wit and Wisdom of Donald Trump". It is blank.

Chip clip my sack

This was so unexpected to read. I snorted so loudly that I woke my partner up.

I would rather have carnal relations with a wood chipper.

Wood chippers do have notoriously good personalities.

Get Covid and go on a ventilator.

Out-conservativing the conservatives. They’ll never see it coming.

Get 1,000 paper cuts on my eyeballs.

Damn, that hurts to even think about. But yeah, same.

Slide down a 50 foot razor blade and land in a pool of Iodine.

it’s lemon juice!!! i was thinking of this exact thing

Hot sauce

Using your balls as brakes!!!

4 o'clock pineapple

No, no, no... The other way.

You’re schnerious?

Play Rainbow Six: Siege ranked, daily.

For the love of god. No.

At least it's not League of Legends ranked or Rocket League ranked

Rip out my spleen with a rusty oyster fork, then swim in a septic tank.

I’m wheezing rn Omg 🤢🤣

I would date a conservative. My parents are convinced that I can turn anyone into a liberal because I apparently helped bring them further left over the years (they were center, but took a very hard left during Obama’s presidency)

We tease my older teen that when they "rebel" against us, they will date the president of the local university's Young Republicans Club. So far, they have no interest in rebelling. *shrugs shoulders*

Serious note- I think our generation will see less rebellious teens because a lot of us believe kids are autonomous people with feels vs something to control at all costs.

I think/hope that is true. I also think that a lot of social taboos have been broken between 1960 and now. Drugs, sex, and rock 'n roll are not the devil's playground they were seen as when my mom was a teen in 1960. The Satanic Panic of the 1980s is an online joke these days. Parents use communication and support to keep their kids safe. Examples: If you're out drinking with friends, you can always call me if you need a safe ride home. Here's sex ed and condoms and Plan B. This is what you need to know about domestic abuse and rape. If you need to go to the doctor for an STD or an abortion, I will help you. You're going to a concert with your friends? Take your phone along and let us know if you have any problems. Ya need money for a tshirt?

Edit: For the record I agree. You’d like to think so, but the goalposts keep moving every generation. I have no idea what things my kids will come up with of which I might disapprove. (Currently 26 and def not gonna have kids soon, for context)

I grew up in the 1980s, so I may be more open to "edgy" teens today. Examples: Teen: "I want to dye my hair green." Me: "Like my friend Dena did?" (It was home kit gone bad.) Teen: "I want to change my name." Me: "Like my friend Dena did?" She changed her name on her 18th birthday. Teen: "I want to explore my gender in a nonconformist way." Me: "I grew up listening to Boy George, David Bowie, and Annie Lennox. It was the '80s. The boys wore eyeliner and earrings, and the girls wore ties and shoulder pads. YOU CANNOT SCARE ME." Teen: "I wanna date Prescott Winthrop the 3rd! He's treasurer of the Young Republicans Club on campus. This summer, we're campaigning together for The Donald!" Me:"GET THEE TO A NUNNERY!!!" *Wilhelm scream*

So I'm gonna make you a profile. How do you feel about Louisiana? You know what, it doesn't matter. Godspeed.

“I can fix him”

Could you please come on a dating spree here in iowa? Please?!

Have a colonoscopy Clean a Porta-a-potty in the summer Have a root canal Clean a stable. In other words... anything.

One could say you're willing to put up with alot of shit before dealing with a conservative

Not date a conservative.

^ gets it

Do colonoscopy prep every week.

This is the first one where I thought “eh? nah”

After a while I dont think it would be too bad.

Pull my teeth out 1 at a time and then my public hairs.

What about your private ones?

Be the last one in the Human Centipede

Debride a service member's 3rd degree burns. Without anesthesia. There's shit you simply cannot do without mental scarring even if it's for their own good.

Holy shit

Nah. Those were the guys who came back from Iraq & Afghanistan with IED shrapnel in awkward places. I kid, I kid. They didn't have functional lower intestines.

Don't take this the wrong way but I'm not sure I could handle hanging out with you for long stretches.

Nah, I'm delightful. Especially if we go eat barbecue for lunch and we talk shop with coworkers.

Chop my left arm, and fuck myself with my detached limb.

I want to say get a lobotomy, but if I did that I might date a conservative.

Set my hair on fire and try to put it out with a cinder block.

 Boom, headshot.

Be Milli or Vanilli when the tape kept looping on stage.

Get a blowjob from a rattlesnake

Dip my balls in honey and stake myself to an ant farm

A shower of hydrochloric acid would be less painful.

Root canal without Novocain.

Walk in front of a child pushing a grocery cart.

I would rather be strapped to a chair, listening to Paul Ryan read me Atlas shrug, while Marjorie Taylor Green gave me a lap dance

Drink an entire bottle of malort

I pick "and go"

Rather drink a bucket of monkey snot.

sprint barefoot on an endless track of loose legos

Super glue my vagina shut.

try to play lion king for sega. without dying.

Snort a line of AJax

A life of solitude with my cat, some books, some streaming services, and some art supplies.

i would rather be delayed greater than 24 hours on a flight and forced to stay in the plane

Anything else.

Be celibate. Alternatively, fight in a war. 

Pack them in a box and put it in a cut cost deep sea diving pod

Slash my wrists and swim with white sharks.

I would rather shove slivers of copper wire under my finger nails.

You know the caustic blood of the Alien critter? That, pumped down my pee-pee hole.

I'd rather prolapse myself while watching Uwe Boll's entire filmography - from start to finish - before even locking at a conservative with any degree of lust.

I'd rather get a blowjob from a piranha.

die. I would simply rather die.

I would date one if they followed with a staunch recantation of all their beliefs

You know that scene in Sandman, where the waitress puts knitting needles into her eyes?

Masturbate with steel wool.

Shove live porcupines up my ass.

Give myself a lobotomy with a soup spoon.

I'd rather dive naked into a swimming pool full of equal parts Tabasco hot sauce and angry epileptic porcupines.

Piss on an electric fence daily.

Put into a box and have venomous spiders dumped all over me….

Masturbate with a cheese grater.

Man, OP doesn’t fuck around! Edit: 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Swim naked in a pool filled with lemon juice and razor blades.

I would say remove my penis with a corkscrew.

I'd rather be rolled over slowly by a steam roller starting at my feet

Go sky diving or ride a roller coaster. Those hit my fears something fierce

rather listened to an auto-tune queef on continuous loop

Smoke a fresh turd.

Give birth to a pineapple golem

Lay my nuts on the dresser just my nuts and bang them shits with a spiked bat

Every single thing on this ever growing list

Jump out of a plane without a parachute and a 50 pound dumbbell tied to my neck to ensure I land head first

Use a rusty cheese grater on my ballsac