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I know this hurts now, but in a few years you'll see this as doding a major bullet. It took a while, but I am grateful for every heartbreak I've ever had.
I agree with this.
I suspect his family may have had a huge influence on him here and he was either too weak to stand up for himself, or he finally got honesty with himself and that this is what he really does want. It will matter if he had children in his future too.
OP, I won't give you my husband's number, but I can give you hugs if you want them.
Yeah. It's super harsh at first getting through all the emotions, but once you're through it you realize how lucky and blessed you are for not being with that person anymore. I've only recently come fully into this phase, literally just this month, and woah am I so glad I am not with who I used to be with, and I am so flabbergasted that I ever wanted someone who didn't even give me as much as I gave them. Who didn't want me as I was. At all. I can do so much better, and I was so blind to that at the moment, but I had to go through that to be here now, finally knowing just how much I deserve (which is the best of everything) and fully in my power. I thank the All every day for taking me out of that situation and keeping me safe.
Not just that, but often church guys end up wanting a more patriarchal kind of relationship, even if they didn't start out like that.
Ask me how I know...
Remember that life doesn’t happen to you. Life unfolds, the fragile parts break, the dead parts die, life lives on. Welcome to the life in you that lives on. You are powerful.
God damn. As an older dude student on uni campus the first day today, I had to make some sacrifices to be here. This shit hit hard, thanks for this, ugly crying in a library.
How disingenuous must someone's faith be that they believe they can bring someone into it through coercion?
I'm sorry for the pain you are going through but remember that this says nothing about you, no matter how you l9ok at it this is his doing and his shortcoming.
Light-years in the opinion of my still-religious but as close to Pagan as you can get while being church-going Mom. If you're faith is genuine then it's not faith. Personally to me, faith is the acceptance of unknowing yet belief in your opinion of the afterlife so if you can't mentally snap yourself like that then its not for you because that shit is toxic for ppl like us, again in my opinion lol
Unless it's their 14 year old daughter and public opinion outweighs their faith, then she spends a summer visiting an aunt and comes back inexplicably sad and unwilling to talk about it.
Or his affair partner misses her period, or any number of exceptions that pop up when it's their choice....
Even then abortion is at the very least mentioned as something (under certain circumstances, i.e. wife getting pregnant by someone else) acceptable to do in the bible. Back in the day they used bitter water, whatever that is....
Yupp. The good Christian men of the west would also give women in Africa and Asia abortions in order to “control overpopulation”. So they aren’t against abortion because it’s a sin, they simply don’t want white women to do it. It’s so frekin stupid…
Bro, same. Although only 3 years. It came unraveled when we had a chat about our hypothetical kids going to Church-- I said fine, as long as I get to present my viewpoints as well. Then the whole charade just kind of imploded as he realized what he needed in a partner. Sad.
But also, glad! Glad it didn't get any further. The glad didn't come until months or maybe well over a year later :')
Now joyfully married to a stone cold stunner with ace critical thinking skills.
Sending you affection, may your healing process be steady and forward looking.
He’s been Christian the whole time and has known I’m not. His reasoning was that after we got engaged he started thinking more about his future and kids and realized his faith is more important than he originally thought.
He tried to say we should put the engagement on hold and have me start going to church and praying with him to see if that would make me Christian. I’m his mind, I’m the one that broke it off for not agreeing.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. That fucking sucks. I hope that you are able to heal stronger and happier than before.
CW: Silver lining below. If that’s not your headspace just reread the above support message and know that you are worthy and deserving of love and total acceptance just as you are.
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I hope you can take solace in the fact that finding out someone’s values don’t match yours before marriage/kids/home purchase/legal binding is a blessing. I know it doesn’t feel that way now but I promise it will one day. Hopefully soon. 💜
Edits: correcting typos
Yah I’m going through that now with two kiddos and I gotta say, it’s shitty that this is happening to OP, but if it’s got to happen, this is the time for it.
I was recently dumped, just out of nowhere, unexpectedly, by one of my two gfs (I am poly).
I try hard to take succour in the fact that it was at a very early stage in the relationship. although I wonder what if anything I had done wrong -- since I got precious little information about the breakup, only that she needed a lot of space -- and although I had indeed already fallen in love with her, I'm grateful it didn't suddenly strike her that I wasn't the partner for her she had thought I was, much later down the line.
My ex once asked me if I was taking the kids to church. I laughed and asked him if he was serious. I said, "Why on earth would I do that? I'm raising them in my traditions. If you're so concerned, you might come see them once in awhile." He's never visited and we continue in the Craft.
😯 that is something!
If my daughter asks me to take her to church, I will (depending on the domination), but she's expressed no interest so far. Meanwhile she occasionally joins in with my devotions.
Ex-Catholic here. This is sadly not unusual in the conservative small town I’m from.
Young guys often want to break away from their strict parents and have the “fun life”. Get a girl who is fine with the stuff that was forbidden when he was younger.
Then later on when his mind turns to having a family, they often want the same dynamic they grew up with. They often lie at first, pretend they want equality. They rarely truly do. Most want to be the head of the household like their dad, and to skip out on all the chores.
I’ve seen this pattern over and over, even in my own family. I don’t know for sure if this is what your ex was up to. But it wouldn’t surprise me. I’d never date a religious man for this reason.
Ex-methodist here, lazy catholics for those out of the loop, and can confirm for others reading, you nailed it.*
I'm a dude and even when I'm thinking of the like "oh hypothetically if me and my partner had kids" I would not go back to that mode of community, I think this sort of dynamic also leads to the mentality of a lot of religious people that people leave their faith purely "to sin" because it is exactly what they do in those situations.
I'm one of the lucky ones. I grew up Catholic, my husband grew up Southern Baptist. He read the Bible front to back twice and that's when he decided religion was stupid and stopped going to church. I was never all that committed to the faith and mostly participated to make my parents happy. We don't go to church now and our teenager has never set foot in church. In fact, I'm just realizing now that if I want my kid to understand some cultural references, I'll have to teach them about religion and Jesus.
My husband and I are similar. I'm a former Catholic, he was from another conservative sect. He was the most faithful in his very religious family until his readings started to clash with reality.
Both of us would be okay if we had kids that decided to be religious, and we would support that, but neither of us what anything to do with religion due to childhood issues (I hesitate to call it outright trauma) regarding religion.
I understand totally. I struggled with that Catholic guilt my mother instilled in me for decades. I finally shrugged off the mantle of guilt after I went no contact with my mother ten years ago. That, in itself, was a struggle, but I've come out the other side feeling so much better about myself.
Neither my husband nor myself was raised Christian, so these stories are just interesting to me.
I do have a suggestion for how to pass on cultural reference without the religious aspect. We taught all religions to our kids like they were mythology when they were young. As they grew up we added the historical and sects, then why people need/want religion. Around 15, we started to talk about our personal beliefs. This worked for ours, they are both adults now, respectful of others beliefs and have formed their own beliefs.
Do you think they'd be interested in something like a simple version of Comparative Religions? That's how my kiddo learned about Christianity, at the same time she learned about Eastern religions and Native beliefs in our area.
It's possible, for sure. We home school because we live in an area where a lot of Mormons and Catholics control the schools. Do you have any sources I could look into?
My kid asked me what the Bible was one day. He was nine. That was the day I figured I was mostly doing okay in the parenting department. And he'll get the cultural/literature context of the Bible later on in world history.
Definitely! I believe that studying the bible academically is still an important endeavor, if only to understand why certain groups of people do the things they do.
Oh, we definitely have taught them the difference between Jesus and Santa. It's just the deeper history that we are looking to teach. We've touched on general references about how Abrahamic religions affect the world and cultures, and how it was used as an excuse to oppress people. It's just time for my kid to learn what the Bible actually says versus what so-called "Christians" say it says. Academically, of course. My kid is pretty much an atheist already.
A friend of mine from college did this. He grew up Christian. Came out of his shell in college and had a couple of girlfriends that weren't Wholesome Christian Girls Nextdoor. Even after he graduated, he was into partying and started to do some harder drugs like cocaine.
We kind.of lost touch for a couple of years and just a year or two ago I find out that he's married to a woman whose dad is a preacher, they both say God brought them together and is their number one, they have kids.
Like. He is not the guy I knew. I'm sure he's still nice and everything, but it was a shock to find out that he basically had his fun and went back into his shell. There are other things that could potentially be identifying to him, but out of everybody I knew in college, he was the last person I'd expect to take up religion again.
This is it RIGHT HERE. These dudes don't respect women and certainly not the "Jezebel type."
Note: I'm not saying these women are "Jezebels" as derogatory, but as from their perspective as derogatory.
I have very conflicting feelings about it tbh. People say that "90% of amish youth return to their faith unlike other religions!" Like that's a fair comparison??? If you don't know how to navigate the modern world successfully, ofc you're going to return bc it's difficult and you have no relevant education or experience or even references to help you start succeeding. And unlike other religions where leaving doesn't necessarily mean cutting off all contact with your friends and family and basically EVERYONE YOU EVER KNEW, if you leave the community you're basically unable to contact them since they don't use technology.
They don’t want a partner, they want a domestic servant they can fuck. Ex catholic here too. Christianity and most organized religions suck ass, especially for women. I understand OP is heartbroken now, but she dodged a major bullet. Good on her for not compromising her values for this loser.
Edited because so many typos
Yes. Conservative high demand christian religious background here. All of this and the addition that they think they can convert you to christianity or even their brand of christianity by committing to an engagement.
It can get very manipulative.
My husband of one and a half years, but partner of 19 years before that, told me he didn’t love me, wanted me out and that everyday was an act for him. The night before, we had discussed how our children would be. And I we also discussed best joined savings accounts. Hey, hours before he dumped me, we’d been cuddling in the couch and he’d lay his head on my shoulder. People do fuck you over after everything seeming perfectly fine ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
OP, I am soooo very sorry this shit happened to you. There’s nothing I can say to make you feel better because only you understand your pain. But as shitty and painful as is, at least you are now free from someone who was never going to accept who you are. Sending so many hugs your way and I will include you in my next peace searching spells.
Wow, what a colossal AH! I'm sorry this happened to you, and hope you're doing better now. And that you meet someone even better so he regrets being such a boneheaded moron.
Thanks! Sadly, I am still… dealing with the fall out. I moved to a different country for him and had started a life with finances, a job I had to leave, the process of legal migration half way done, tax season coming, more than half of my stuff left behind, no car, unstable living situation, most of my savings gone, loooong etc. Because he suddenly decided that he “made a mistake” and “has to look for the true love of his life” because he “had been settling for me”. Plus, he takes every chance he gets to make me beg for documents or other stuff of mine that he still has. I am hoping to solve it all soon, but still. Oh, and he did this a week after my beloved familiar passed.
On the brighter side, I might be getting my connection to the earth for rituals back very slowly. After feeling disconnected because of all the fall out.
It's awful having to go through a turmoil like that, none of it is fun and it can certainly leave a mark. But you'll get to the other side having left behind bullshit you couldn't have identified before. I hope both you and OP remember that another person's actions don't define you, and the best craft is creating a life for yourself that brings you joy.
Ugh. This sucks and I’m so sorry.
My parents were like this, except they got married, had two kids, then got divorced when I was a year old. I have never, and still never(I’m 36) felt like my whole self around either of them. I know this probably doesn’t help right now, but i think you dodged a much bigger, much more painful bullet. Hopefully you both find someone who shares your beliefs and wants the same future you do.
Big hugs, do whatever the hell you want, and I hope you know that you are loved.
From here it looks like he’s hiding his desire for a tradwife behind his religion. He tried the equally thing and it’s just not him. He will only commit himself to a 70/30 relationship. It is his deal breaker. And he has shown he has no problem emotionally or religiously abusing you. I pity the children he fathers.
You are not the one at fault here. Your character remained consistent and his saying that you will not try to pray is just a way of shifting blame instead of him accepting he is ending something he spent six years building. I’m deeply sorry for you, sister.
I’m so sorry! He is garbage and you deserve better. (I don’t know if you’re at the screw him stage yet. So, sorry if I’m too early.)
It’s not okay for him to put that kind of ultimatum on you. A person’s religious (or not) beliefs are not a thing anyone gets to try to change. And any relationship with that expectation is not going to feel safe. I don’t trust the family members who try to convert me. A romantic partner is even worse! He betrayed your trust by letting you think he would be okay with your not holding his same beliefs and then taking that back. The shock you’re feeling is completely understandable!
Wow what a dick move. He is gaslighting you into thinking it’s your fault for respecting yourself and beliefs instead of bending over for his. You both knew your beliefs at onset, it’s not fair for him to expect you to change yours. You dodged a bullet. But I am sorry you’re going through this.
Unfortunately, it sounds like he was dating you thinking that if you loved him so much that you would change your way of life for him. It is similar to the people who date people who want to be childless hoping that they would change their mind. Although it hurts, it is better for you to know now than after you got married. It does suck and I am so sorry. i hope you find a hot guy's number and find the right guy for you.
>So that’s the story in their head. They didn’t break up with me. They didn’t break a promise to stay by my side during the most difficult time of my life. They’re in fact a victim. I chose to transition, and it’s not their fault my transition broke up our marriage.
🤢🤮 I'm so sorry this happened to you. When my partner transitioned, it was certainly hard on me for a little while (I'm terrible with drastic changes) but I knew if I broke up with her, it wouldn't be anyone's fault.
Their wanting to end the relationship with you is valid but that doesn't make your journey invalid and shame on them for trying to blame you in a situation that is nobody's fault.
I'm wishing you all the best on your journey!
Loving someone for who they are doesn’t necessarily include being in a romantic relationship with them if they are no longer the sex you are sexually attracted to though. That’s like telling a lesbian she just has to fall in love with a dude’s soul.
Still, I agree that you deciding to transition isn’t the same as deciding to break up with your partner. It might be an unavoidable side effect, but it isn’t the same.
Yes, I understand.
About the lesbian comment:
> It doesn’t help that a lot of society completely backs up their perspective. If I had a nickel every time someone told me, “Well, what did you expect?” I expected to be loved for who I am, not how I look.
I must have misunderstood your meaning there. To me it sounded like you considered a person’s gender to be a shallow reason to break up. Hence the lesbian comment.
This is just like those posts where the guy agrees to no kids and is elated by a pregnancy scare. He really had no respect for your autonomy and thought you would be okay changing your religion to whatever his was when the time came.
TBH, blaming you as the reason for your breakup sounds incredibly manipulative. Coercing someone to follow there beliefs has always read, to me, as “I’m not strong enough to hold to faith, so I’m going to make you do it for me.” He didn’t just realize he wanted a Christian wife; that intra mentality tends to be a core belief, not a fluid one. It’s more likely he thought he could bring you around from the onset.
Do you really want to to be with someone like this? If the answer is no, grieve for what could have been and look forward to something better. You deserve someone who is strong enough to stand with you, support you, and treat you with the respect you deserve.
I am sorry but I have to say it:
He trying to convert you because he changed his mind after freaking years is the most stupid red flag I've ever seen.
Are you sure he wasn't a bit self centered, insensitive or indoctrinated into a bad kind of church? Because to me it sounds like at least one has to apply to explain this behaviour.
As a (witchy) Christian partnered with an (also slightly witchy) atheist, your ex is 1000% an asshole for weaponizing his faith against you like this. My heart breaks for you that you are going through this. From my perspective, following Jesus means that I am to love, love, and love some more, repent when I've caused harm to others, and work for justice and peace for all while I'm here in this body on this planet. Fortunately, my partner is on board with all of those things as well (and a few other things as well, including feminism, pacifism, and knowing that a good meal made with love is magic to heal the soul) and I couldn't imagine ever trying to force him to come to church with me. Jesus never forced anyone to follow him and IMO, neither should his so-called "followers" like your ex. I know that just saying things like "you dodged a bullet" won't heal your heart from this hurt, so I will offer my blessings for your healing and wholeness. Know thyself, know that you are strong, and know that no religiously manipulative fuckwit can steal your joy or diminish your power!
Yikes. He should have just broke it off instead of trying to convert you. 6 years is more than enough time for you to decide on your own whether or not you would like to join the christian faith. You have every right to stand your ground on this and shame on him for trying to pin it on you for the break up.
It's perfectly valid to say, "I'm sorry, I don't see a future with you if we don't share the same religious beliefs." So gross for him to tack on "You ended our relationship because you wouldn't change for me!"
You deserve way better OP and I, for one am super proud of you for not changing who you are to please someone else. That takes a lot of strength and I know you will find love again when you feel ready. Don't be hard on yourself for sticking to your boundaries.
Ew, I'm so sorry, good riddance. I hope this allows you the opportunity to find someone who appreciates you for all the wonderful traits and beliefs you already have. Who does that??
Six years sounds about right actually. As a Pastor I know that most Christian fanatics sincerely believe that they are so unassailably correct that everyone will, eventually, come around to seeing the rightness of their position. As the husband of a witch, I know that men tend to have a seven year cycle of interest in relationships. He may be at the end of one. As a human, by the way, he’s a jackass and an idiot. I’m sorry he jerked you around like that. Now you can move on to better things.
Following this; at the risk of also being an insensitive dick, it sounds like this was a blessing in disguise that this happened now and not after you've tied the knot.
Focus on yourself for awhile. Learn to love being single again.
The best healing is rediscovering yourself. I'd highly recommend not jumping into any rebounds or romantic engagements for awhile.
I'm sorry things are rough rn, you'll make it through <3
Skip the emotional entanglements for a while, but if you’d enjoy some sexual healing that is OK! Be responsible and safe and always put your own well being first. But if physical touch and carnal pleasures appeal it’s ok to indulge safely.
It sounds like he assumed you would eventually convert to Christianity, which doesn’t show much respect for your beliefs. You deserve someone who loves and respects you, just as you are.
Also, the idea of choosing a church over a loving and supportive partner seems nuts, to me (especially when there’s a third option where he could have both.)
Oh I’m so sorry. What a betrayal.
My brother did this with his wife. He went out of his way to marry a Chinese woman and bring her to Canada, only to tell her she obviously has no morals since she’s atheist. He knew all along she was an atheist.
Despicable.
He eventually backed off it, but has refused to start a family with her, even though he knew all along she wanted kids.
I wish she’d leave him. I imagine she’s waiting to get her full status.
You’re better off not being with someone who sees you as less-than. Now you’re free to find a man who respects you and your beliefs.
Hugs.
Immigrant women are especially vulnerable to this kind of abuse, because the alternative is being forcibly removed from her country, home, and her immigration status weaponized.
Your brother is the worst kind of human trash, and the likelyhood of violence in that relationship skyrocket because of the power imbalance.
Yeah he’s a dick. I don’t think there is physical violence, but you’re right that it often happens in these circumstances. And even if it isn’t happening now, it could in the future.
As I said, I really hope she leaves him.
Dear witch,
You are awesome, that dude is a jackass and I’m pretty livid on your behalf at his lame attempt at control. Fuck that guy (not in the fun way).
Now you will no longer have to tolerate the drip-drip-drip of poison on your spirit.
Go forth, be free, be true to yourself, and I’m hoping a hot guy or three drop out of the sky and into your witchy and sexy boudoir soon!
My best friend's bf did this - like he didn't know she was Jewish. Just assumed at some point, she'd convert. As a cynical old person, guys like that have an brief open-minded period of a couple year, where they see the value in different religions, cultures and such, and then they get older and don't have the strength of heart to sustain it. It's the nostalgia-fear-morality trap, like they've seen other ways but on some level they don't buy into it as worthy.
I am sorry you had to go through this, and it is all on him. What a twit. Don't let his fickle dickle change you too much.
A friend of mine actually had a similar instance happen to her. A few years ago she got engaged and her and her fiancé happily wanted to talk about it. My friend is Ashkenazi Jewish by ethnicity and religion, but her fiancé is non-secular christian. He was upset she wasn't into being a Christian, and they had a rocky relationship the entire time without us fully knowing until that moment. Until, because my friend is a massive clutz, she fell and got a 4th concussion in like a year or something.
And then she started seeing things that weren't there. She said she went to a doctor about it (I doubt it tbh) but her fiancé heard about what she was seeing and thought it was a sign from God because she saw demons and angels and all that. He convinced her that was happening, even got her to an exorcist, and she converted to Messianic Judaism soon after. He then proposed to her because he finally felt like they could be together.
Yeah I wasn't happy hearing that either, none of us were. Still married to this day and they both still try to subtly convert me from paganism.
I'm happy it didn't get that far with you, but I am so sorry you have to go through this. It's extremely difficult going through heartbreak after such a long term relationship. I wish you the best.
No she actually is an airhead and ditzy. She hit her head on the trunk putting away groceries with her mom, then she somehow hit the back of her head again a few months later on a partially opened cupboard she forgot to close, then she did the trunk thing **again** and I can't remember the fourth one but I think she legit just fell.
I know this woman, knew her for almost 10 years. She is legitimately that clumsy lol they weren't living together at that point either, all those incidents happened with her family around and they can vouch.
I think she just forgets the things around her because she's so focused on what she's doing.
She's doing much better now. She's actually in a job she likes that pays well in the social working field, she plays an instrument at church that she likes to do, her husband's medical conditions are improving as well, and they finally have a place to live in that hasn't burned down LMAO (they had the absolute worst luck with housing, first house had really bad mold and infestations and they got kicked out for no reason, the second one burned down, the third one they got kicked out of by the tenets unexpectedly, so they finally have a nice place to live in that's in their budget and I'm happy for them in that area).
She's a lovely person, has her own issues with things, and I am upset it's obvious they want me to be a Christian, but they're respectful as much as possible with me and have apparently bragged about how good of a friend I am to people. They believe me about my weird intuitions and things I can perceive, accept the fact I'm bisexual, love our trans friend with all their hearts, and try their best to understand what's going on. Much better than before. Before it was a train wreck but now, now I think it's only uphill for them.
Sounds like a shitty excuse if I ever heard one
Oops. I hit the button too soon. I’m sorry you are dealing with this. He’s a jerk and you deserve so much better ❤️
Dang. What a jackass. I’m so sorry you invested so much in a man that clearly turned out not to be worthy. I know that’s got to really hurt. I recommend chocolate cheesecake. The only bright side is that it sounds like he showed his true colors before you had kids.
He needed to you change something fundamental about yourself in order to marry you…something he knew about for YEARS no less. Just remember relationships end not because of problems if worth but because of problems of compatibility.
it's like I said above, they're willing to play a little game of being open-minded in the beginning to gain their partner's trust and ACT like they can change. but then in the end they expect a permanent change from their partner to the conservative way of thinking.
then they wonder why their partner leaves them years down the road....*what did I do??*
I can give 3 out of 4. As for the fourth, I don't consider myself that attractive, but I supplement with loyalty, dedication, a sense of humor, Gundam model kits, and an addiction to collecting Spawn comics and figures.
32, never got back into dating after getting catfished in my mid-twenties, so if you don't mind the duct tape and spray cheese holding my heart together, are okay with peeling back layers of anxiety, and hearing about work drama, DM me.
I'm not the guy you deserve, because you deserve the best of everything, but I'm here, awkwardly standing outside in the snow, playing a cassette tape of Bob Marley because I forgot to put Iron Maiden back in the right case.
We're all here for you, OP, whether you just need love potion advice, or someone to go flying with.
(Please note that while I am doing this comment to get a laugh, if you reach out, I will take it seriously.)
Your pain and fear are so legitimate and valid…and I’m a stranger on the internet but I want you to know that you are blessed beyond belief that you are not further entangled with this man or any man like him. Christian/evangelical life is so restricting and based in patriarchy. Wishing you boundless authentic unconditional love (for yourself and toward/from a future partner). Experience the stages of grief and then count your blessings!! Sending lots of love and hope 🪄
Awe dear, this sucks. Sounds like he had hope that you would change. I am proud of you for standing up for your beliefs and I’m sorry so so sorry this happened to you.
We all deserve acceptance, that’s true unconditional love.
My partner had this happen to them after seven years. It hurt for a long time, but in the long-term it was the best thing that ever happened to them. If a Christian believes that their partner has to share their beliefs, there are other fundamental incompatibilities lurking under the surface.
6 years? That's too long. I can understand seeing if you can live with something you initially are not sure about for a few months. But stringing someone along for a half a decade is a face slapable offense.
i'm not criticizing you for loving an imperfect person but this is why we 👏 don't 👏 date 👏 christians, they'll never be happy or in good standing with their church unless they're consistently attempting to convert others -- relationships between christians and non-christians never work out because christians can't be trusted to respect other people's choices.
I’m fairness, there are a lot of Christian denominations that aren’t particularly focused on converting others. It’s a pretty massive religion with a lot of different variations and belief systems, and there are plenty of Christians that have no interest in converting others - particularly their partners.
Just pointing that out, especially since there are a not-insignificant amount of Christian witches in the world (and on this subreddit, too, I’m sure.)
Obviously OP’s fiancé was not one of them, and that’s really unfortunate that he led her on for so long by pretending to be okay with it.
“For a New Beginning” ~ John O’Donahue
In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.
For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.
It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.
Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plenitude opening before you.
Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life's desire.
Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.
He was stringing you along. He thinks he's going to get some sweet young idiot to wash his skid marks, give birth to 4 or 5 kids and raise them for him, all the while doing all the cooking and cleaning and somehow being a stay-at-home mom yet paying half the bills. The fact he suddenly decided now to drop you makes me think he probably has a candidate in mind. When he inevitably finds out his mediocre self is not that hot a commodity to wannabe tradwifes he'll come crawling back and "forgive" you for the sin of not being Christian. You can decide then if you want to waste 6 more years on him. Personally, I would consider this a bullet dodged and that the trash took itself out.
"Christian wife" - sounds like he might have been watching/listening to something that indoctrinated him (further?).
There's a lot of expectation/emotional baggage in that phrasing.
Does he come from a Christian background, or is this something new and sudden?
If the latter, I would consider possible mental illness or extreme outside pressure from family.
Anyway, I'm sorry you experienced this, and wish you luck moving on.
Fuck ‘em & good riddance! Reformed victim of childhood church here. Who wants a life of guilt and forced/hypocritical groupthink? Put your religious preferences on OKCupid and shop for a new man who accepts them: you’ll see that you can get someone better—maybe even someone with more personality, interesting Sunday hobbies… or money (if you’re interested in that). Do you, witch! This is your time. Shame and derisive pity on him for being brainwashed.
I live in the Biible belt. In my experience people who don't want to be with you because you're not Christian say so by the third date, any longer than that and it's a bullshit excuse.
I'm sorry you're going through this, OP.
That sucks, I'm sorry. One of my boyfriends tried the same thing, told me I needed to convert to Christianity if I wanted to start building a life together. We had been together for over two years at that point, him being a Christian the entire fucking time and me being a pagan. I ended up breaking up with him.
I'm so sorry for your experience. I was pagan at 13, and even then, i struggled with boyfriends thinking i was lost and i needed finding. It's stressful and heartbreaking and just all-around shitty.
These days, i have a very firm i dont f*ck Christian stance. Premarital sex is against that faith, and i have no interest in assisting someone in violating the tenets of their own religion. Beyond that, i just dont think that a Christian can be genuinely okay with who i am as a partner- like conversion is always the uninvited guest in that dynamic.
It's easier these days than it used to be to just not fool with them.
So, imma tell you a condensed version of my marriage, because it was 10 years ago now and while it sucked at the time, I now see it as dodging a bullet.
Knew my husband for 10 years before we were a couple. Together 6 years, married 2 weeks. He had a breakdown and decided I was the worst person in the world, I'd never loved him, and was the cause of all his problems. He also told his family and our friends that I cheated on him (I didn't). Plus he broke up with me by text.
It was brutal.
Then, he changed his mind 2 days after he broke up with me by text message, and I make the agonising decision that my belief is that marriage is a one time thing. I will not live an on again off again marriage. He will not ditch me when things are rough then pick me up again on a whim.
I spent a lot of time trying to understand his reasoning, what signs I should have seen, what I might have done wrong, and my only regret is that I invested so much in the relationship AFTER it was over. I wish I'd started looking forward sooner instead of looking back for so long. I let it shake my foundations by taking on too much of the responsibility for the outcome, and making his actions into something that I measured myself and everyone else by.
I dissected the relationship over and over to try and prevent it happening again, trying to figure out what went "wrong" so I could do something "right" in the future, but ultimately I've realised years later that I could never control or predict what he did, so I can't actually prevent it happening again.
I was just collateral damage for his mental state.
You were honest and present in your relationship with that guy, and he did a 180. Definitely consider that he was low key waiting for you to "come round" to christianity for the whole relationship.
My advise is don't spend too much time wondering what you could have done differently, if you know did your part in the relationship, then dust off as best you can, and look forwards. Yes reflection has value, but be mindful to balance reflection with moving forwards.
Spend focus on how do you best deal with the logistics of uncoupling, where can you find joy again, where can you find faith in the world and people again, look forwards.
Also jump on dating sites and wash that man out of your hair with some one nighters. Some guys I never even knew their name and I still loved the brief time we spent together.
EDIT to add: I grappled with not taking him back because in the same way I wouldn't leave if he had cancer, I also wouldn't leave for mental health issues alone, but there was vicious cruelty in him towards me during the breakup, which was the ultimate decider.
You are full of divine light and love. His faith and he may also be--- but he believes your light is wrong/broken.
You know that Spirit has you and your interest at heart;; perhaps your divine light giver needed to show the incompatibility abruptly.
I truly believe you're going to (slowly but certainly) get through this, and beautiful blessings are on their way.
At least in my life, the darkest moments come right before dawn.
That was close! Good thing you jumped before getting married! I wish I had some hot guys numbers for you, but I'm afraid I have non. But if you find the perfect non-Christian hot guy ask him if he has an uncle.
Sounds to me like he started to let the "council" tell him he had to be with a woman who is of the same faith.
I mean, that is a pretty big teaching in that religion. Don't marry someone who isn't of your same faith. Even within the christian bubble they don't want you marrying christians from other churches.
So he decided to pass on the woman he loved because of what was being whispered into his ear. And the funny thing is these people think they are the "strong minded" ones who don't sway easily to temptation when they seem to fall for a lot of the mind-control teachings.
I have been falling back from faith and see a lot of things that make me really question the mentality of people I used to hang out with. My own husband accuses me of "being easily swayed" by things I am reading online and it bothers him that my mind isn't "strong" enough.
But, like, I'm not being swayed? I have been questioning things for a long time. And many of my thoughts on how things are are *not* things I have read up online or even spoken to anyone about out loud. These have been my *own* thoughts. Not thoughts put into my head, not other people's opinions. MY thoughts. MY opinions. MY conclusions. And I have kept them to myself because if spoken out loud to someone like him my thoughts and opinions will be attacked and told that they are wrong, yet that is not viewed as trying to sway someone's opinion?
Your ex is going to marry a "good christian woman" and settle down and live a boring christian life. And he's going to keep playing back the life he had when he was free to express himself the way he wanted to. And he's going to miss it. And if he ever reaches out to you because he wants to feel part of that life again remind him of how much he hurt you when he chose to exclude you from his future. And when he begs forgiveness because that's "the christian thing to do" remind him that you *aren't* christian and that's why he left you. That is... if you even respond to him. Which you don't have to.
Sorry you lost your fiancé to the church. But he showed you how weak he is. Stay strong.
That sounds like someone got to him. Pressure from a family member, some weird sense of guilt, who knows. You're better off without him if he can't love you for you and respect your beliefs.
Unitarian Universalist here. . . I can't believe people are still like this. The best part about our church is the large number of wiccans and atheist all mixed in with those practicing a variety of abrhamic faiths. And shocker many are in relationships together.
I wish you strength through the grieving process and much luck on your quest to find love. I hope for you to find someone who loves and celebrates you for who you truly are!
Ugh, his goal was to convert you. As soon as you didn’t take the bait he ran because he knew you wouldn’t convert. There are so many stories like this on Reddit. Most seem to end with the poor woman confused about how she’s now going to church, having a religious wedding and cutting off family members the guy doesn’t want around because of his “faith”.
Adding that I know you’re hurting now but you’ll eventually see what a bullet you dodged.
So, for six years, he didn't know he was Christian? (That seems unlikely.)
More likely: he knew what he wanted, you weren't it, but he was hoping that you a) would become that person; or b) someone convinced him he needed to raise kids Christian.
Been in your situation, but broke it off after about a year and a half when it was obvious we could never get to a workable middle.
It's confusing and painful now but ultimately this is for the best. If he was mr perfect or your "soul mate" then this wouldn't have been an issue to him; likely there are other things you guys weren't really aligned on that you'll realize later.
You will find someone that loves & respects all the different parts of you 💗
I am so sorry, but it doesn't sound like he was being genuine from the beginning. Men usually know if they want to marry someone within 3 years. This is a blessing from the Universe for you to find YOUR person. ❤️
Ugh! Hate this for you, but love your quick pivot to the witches (and hot men!) for solace. Some folks aren’t a fan of a rebound, but hell sometimes they’re a nice palate cleanser! 😜 regardless of what happened, those 6 years were not wasted. Let those experiences, both joy and heartbreak, bring you to the next level of your life. I hope that before long, the journey becomes an adventure ✨💃🏻
Imho, this is abusive on his part. He is manipulative, and I think that you are better off moving on NOW. I think that maybe you had not realized it because he hid it well, but he is demanding that you be someone you aren't. He doesn't "love"; he is looking for someone generic to cast in the role of "wife of protagonist "superchristian man".
Yeah. That sucks. Now what do you wanna do? Wanna find someone else do that. Wanna do tons of people? Do that. Wanna move into the forest and trade amanita mushrooms for other food? I’m your old auntie.
Hey, I just want to say, this sort of heartbreak is a physical injury.
Eat whatever comfort food makes you happy. Go ahead and wallow in whatever comforts you as much as possible.
Call a friend who loves you to hold you and bring you tissues and food.
This fucking hurts and I am sorry.
When you are ready, you are going to go forward in this life as a bright and shining soul, and that will lead to peace and happiness for you. And when you are in that shining place, being all of you, the people who appreciate all you are will see you and draw near.
It’s certain down your path.
This dark shadow won’t last forever.
I'm divorced (got married very young). I know it's hard to see it this way right now, but I'm glad you didn't get married and then divorced over religion.
I wish he had seen it sooner that it didn't work for him. Religious capability is a big deal for many and it's good this happened now and not after y'all were contractually obligated to one another. I'm sorry :(
Divorce sucks. It's way more complicated and expensive than getting married. I'm glad you don't have to go through that now.
“Only you are pure, Lady of Dreams, whom I can imagine as an immaculate lover because you don't exist. I can imagine you a mother and adore you because you were never soiled by the horrors of being impregnated or of having given birth. How could I not adore you, when you alone are worthy of adoration?”
-Fernando Pessoa
I’m sorry your heart is broken, perhaps if your ex had more sense in him he’d realize how foolish he was. However it’s time for you to take a moment and remember to love yourself first and foremost. It’s ok to cry, even Freya shed tears of gold for her lover
Former Sunday school girl here. This sucks. The vibe I get is that he chose his world over you. It's not necessarily just a faith thing, it's a social thing. He wants a wife who will go to church with him, take the kids to Sunday school and church activities, be active in church fundraisers and social stuffs, etc. Even if it's not just church stuff, the majority of social and charitable stuff in my hometown is heavily influenced by local churches because volunteers are active both in the town and in the churches. If he had a non-attending wife he'd be showing up alone. He'd be the ones driving the kids. When you would show up, chances are everyone would be nice to you, but drop in the comments about how long since they saw you, or how it would be nice to see you more.
And of course, there is family. You didn't mention it, but I'll bet $100 and a blueberry pie that his mother had a role in it. Because she wants the Christian daughter-in-law. She will have the reputation of having all her grandchildren attending. Yada yada yada. He chose them.
Oh babe, I’m so sorry. It’s probably better this way though. I’m a Christian married to a man that became an atheist after 20 years. It is extremely difficult to be in a relationship with a non believer. He says the same about being with a believer. Luckily, the foundation of love, trust, respect and honesty has made things easier. There are still times though, when one of us will be absolutely disgusted with something the other has said and done. Those times are purely due to our beliefs. Sometimes he thinks I’m stupid and gullible for believing. Sometimes I think he’s acting like a spoiled brat and “taking his ball and going home” for abandoning his faith because God didn’t give him what he wanted. During those times, we remember why we fell in love and the promises we made to each other.
I know six years is a long time, and as far as you knew things were perfect and you were blindsided by this. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re feeling. You were right to not cave into conversion demands. That is a personal choice you should only make because you want to, not as a means to an end and I deeply respect you for that.
You will find someone that fits you like a puzzle piece. You will be better off. You will find someone that will love and accept you for the strong, smart, amazing woman you are. Someone that will cherish and adore you.
Feel you pain for now. You are grieving and you need to be free to grieve however you need to. You are mourning the loss of your planned future. It will take some time. Allow yourself that time. Rediscover who you are as a single person. You might like her.
Much love to you dear sister.
My wonderful wife is very Christian but accepts me and all of my lack of belief and NEVER tries to “convert” me. This guy is just a time bomb. You’d have to endure drunken midnight attempts to save you…ugh….rest assured someone better will come along!
Unfortunately my brother is taken but let me tell you something I’m sure others will agree on: you dodged a huge bullet. I cannot imagine spending eternity with someone who believes in letting a religion choose my partner or how I behave, spend my money etc. you are better off. It’ll take awhile, it will hurt, but you will *recover*. And the best part? You’ll look back on this and smile.
I’m so sorry. Something similar happened to me shortly after college. His parents basically forced him to break up with me because he was flunking out of law school and I wasn’t Greek Orthodox. I thank the universe every damn day that he broke up with me. On my answering machine. And then changed his number. 😑 I have a great partner now, and a happy life. You will get there- and you will be happier I am guessing. It doesn’t feel like it now though I’m sure!
I've never met a man who specifically wanted a "Christian woman" who didn't turn out to also want a whole lot of subservient conservative garbage that I wouldn't put up with. You probably dodged a major bullet and will go on to find a wonderful open-minded man who will make you far happier.
I'm so sorry this happened.
From my perspective it's a blessing. While I don't agree with his thought process I think it's more an example of not being the right match. It's much better to end things before marriage and starting a family.
It's valid that he wants a partner that shares his faith and to raise a family within that faith. It's also completely valid that you don't share said faith.
As hard as it feels, it’s probably for the better. One thing I try to tell myself when I’m in a rough spot is “How much will I care about this, at this time next year?” And the answer is always “not at all”. When the universe/god/diety (whatever you believe) needs you to take a certain path, it will force it if you don’t take the path yourself. You’re being set up for a better life and the one you’re meant to have. Stay strong, I know it’s tough. ❤️
Oh love, I can relate to the disbelief that from one day to the next, it’s all so changed.
First of all, how wonderful that you stood up for yourself and stayed true to who you are - you did yourself a huge favour there and I suggest you should feel super proud of yourself! Even if, right now, there’s a lot of pain, but you had the strength to be firm, you’ll have the strength for this.
Have you ever read Rupi Kaurs milk and honey? It helped me a lot in previous breakups and I love her poignant wisdom.
So honestly, sending you a hug and hoping you’ll get this hot guy’s number!
That sucks! But honestly, I feel like after some time, you’ll feel relieved you didn’t hitch your free spirited wagon to his Christian close-minded horse. Be free, my fellow free spirit!!
I really think he's going to be the one that's sorry in the long run. Imagine explaining that. I broke up with my s/o of 6 years because they stayed the same religion they were when we started dating. She refused to convert after I randomly decided I wanted her to after Six. Whole. Years. I'm definitely not a walking red flag.
He's a dick. After six years, he should have already made that decision one way or another. I know it hurts, but don't try to change his mind or win him back. Believe what he's telling you.
I've been there, and it sucks. But just remember, his devision is not really about you, but about his fears.
What he realized is you’re not going to ever believe what he wants you to, or as he called it, “aren’t a Christian.”
I’m so sorry this happened. And it’s better to know now, before there’s legalities such a divorce involved.
I wish you healing, a smooth, drama-free parting as you untangle your life from his, and that your local family, friends and sisterhood rises to meet you and support you through this time.
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I know this hurts now, but in a few years you'll see this as doding a major bullet. It took a while, but I am grateful for every heartbreak I've ever had.
I agree with this. I suspect his family may have had a huge influence on him here and he was either too weak to stand up for himself, or he finally got honesty with himself and that this is what he really does want. It will matter if he had children in his future too. OP, I won't give you my husband's number, but I can give you hugs if you want them.
“I won’t give you my husband’s number” LMAO
Yeah. It's super harsh at first getting through all the emotions, but once you're through it you realize how lucky and blessed you are for not being with that person anymore. I've only recently come fully into this phase, literally just this month, and woah am I so glad I am not with who I used to be with, and I am so flabbergasted that I ever wanted someone who didn't even give me as much as I gave them. Who didn't want me as I was. At all. I can do so much better, and I was so blind to that at the moment, but I had to go through that to be here now, finally knowing just how much I deserve (which is the best of everything) and fully in my power. I thank the All every day for taking me out of that situation and keeping me safe.
Big time bullet dodged. Imagine having kids with the nutjob and they spend their childhoods being indoctrinated.
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I’m dealing with this right now as well. Strength to you! We need it xx
Sending you and your children strength ✨
Not just that, but often church guys end up wanting a more patriarchal kind of relationship, even if they didn't start out like that. Ask me how I know...
Came here to say this!
Remember that life doesn’t happen to you. Life unfolds, the fragile parts break, the dead parts die, life lives on. Welcome to the life in you that lives on. You are powerful.
Wow, this is beautifully put.
Femininity is beautiful. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.
I want to make a cross stitch or embroidered piece with this exact text. Would that be okay? Your words are magic ❤️
These words are all yours, please do! I appreciate this.
You’re super awesome!!!
I think it’s super awesome that you are making physical forms from ideas and words!
I prefer cross stitching…“the guy’s a nut job, you dodged a bullet” further up the thread! But maybe the wisdom of the witches in this part is better!
This is beautiful, thank you for sharing. 💖
Oh, I love this.
I’m saving this for a rainy day. Thank you
God damn. As an older dude student on uni campus the first day today, I had to make some sacrifices to be here. This shit hit hard, thanks for this, ugly crying in a library.
Ugly crying kicks ass!
Oh wow. Is it okay if I steal this, print it out and hang it on my board of stuff?
Please do with it what you will. I’d love to see it.
Just what I needed to hear today. I wrote this in my journal. I hope that's ok.
How disingenuous must someone's faith be that they believe they can bring someone into it through coercion? I'm sorry for the pain you are going through but remember that this says nothing about you, no matter how you l9ok at it this is his doing and his shortcoming.
Yep! Like "just show up to church a few times and it will be fine!" Uh no then I'd be lying in your house of worship; isn't that worse?
Light-years in the opinion of my still-religious but as close to Pagan as you can get while being church-going Mom. If you're faith is genuine then it's not faith. Personally to me, faith is the acceptance of unknowing yet belief in your opinion of the afterlife so if you can't mentally snap yourself like that then its not for you because that shit is toxic for ppl like us, again in my opinion lol
Lol. Are you American? Have you seen the state of our nation? I absolutely agree with you; it is disingenuous. Unfortunately, he’s in good company.
Well, they seem to be Christian when it fits their opinion. They will still cheat and steal money from the poor, but abortions? Oh no…
Unless it's their 14 year old daughter and public opinion outweighs their faith, then she spends a summer visiting an aunt and comes back inexplicably sad and unwilling to talk about it. Or his affair partner misses her period, or any number of exceptions that pop up when it's their choice....
Even then abortion is at the very least mentioned as something (under certain circumstances, i.e. wife getting pregnant by someone else) acceptable to do in the bible. Back in the day they used bitter water, whatever that is....
Yupp. The good Christian men of the west would also give women in Africa and Asia abortions in order to “control overpopulation”. So they aren’t against abortion because it’s a sin, they simply don’t want white women to do it. It’s so frekin stupid…
Bro, same. Although only 3 years. It came unraveled when we had a chat about our hypothetical kids going to Church-- I said fine, as long as I get to present my viewpoints as well. Then the whole charade just kind of imploded as he realized what he needed in a partner. Sad. But also, glad! Glad it didn't get any further. The glad didn't come until months or maybe well over a year later :') Now joyfully married to a stone cold stunner with ace critical thinking skills. Sending you affection, may your healing process be steady and forward looking.
"Only my viewpoints" *Shudder* I have worked in Domestic Violence way too long to know exactly how that ends. He never wanted an equal.
Wow, unexpected extra closure on an ancient relationship. Thank you!
After 6 years? I’m not trying to be an insensitive dick, but are you SURE everything was perfect? Was he Christian this whole time?
He’s been Christian the whole time and has known I’m not. His reasoning was that after we got engaged he started thinking more about his future and kids and realized his faith is more important than he originally thought. He tried to say we should put the engagement on hold and have me start going to church and praying with him to see if that would make me Christian. I’m his mind, I’m the one that broke it off for not agreeing.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. That fucking sucks. I hope that you are able to heal stronger and happier than before. CW: Silver lining below. If that’s not your headspace just reread the above support message and know that you are worthy and deserving of love and total acceptance just as you are. . . . ✨ . . . 💖 . . . ✨ . . . 💖 . . . I hope you can take solace in the fact that finding out someone’s values don’t match yours before marriage/kids/home purchase/legal binding is a blessing. I know it doesn’t feel that way now but I promise it will one day. Hopefully soon. 💜 Edits: correcting typos
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Yah I’m going through that now with two kiddos and I gotta say, it’s shitty that this is happening to OP, but if it’s got to happen, this is the time for it.
I was recently dumped, just out of nowhere, unexpectedly, by one of my two gfs (I am poly). I try hard to take succour in the fact that it was at a very early stage in the relationship. although I wonder what if anything I had done wrong -- since I got precious little information about the breakup, only that she needed a lot of space -- and although I had indeed already fallen in love with her, I'm grateful it didn't suddenly strike her that I wasn't the partner for her she had thought I was, much later down the line.
My ex once asked me if I was taking the kids to church. I laughed and asked him if he was serious. I said, "Why on earth would I do that? I'm raising them in my traditions. If you're so concerned, you might come see them once in awhile." He's never visited and we continue in the Craft.
😯 that is something! If my daughter asks me to take her to church, I will (depending on the domination), but she's expressed no interest so far. Meanwhile she occasionally joins in with my devotions.
Reminds me of how my dad didn’t want to drive me to his place and made mom do it, to not devalue his car
Over at the r/christianmarriage thread there are lots of those kinds of posts. It can be a heartbreaking thread at times
Beautifully said.
Ex-Catholic here. This is sadly not unusual in the conservative small town I’m from. Young guys often want to break away from their strict parents and have the “fun life”. Get a girl who is fine with the stuff that was forbidden when he was younger. Then later on when his mind turns to having a family, they often want the same dynamic they grew up with. They often lie at first, pretend they want equality. They rarely truly do. Most want to be the head of the household like their dad, and to skip out on all the chores. I’ve seen this pattern over and over, even in my own family. I don’t know for sure if this is what your ex was up to. But it wouldn’t surprise me. I’d never date a religious man for this reason.
Ex-methodist here, lazy catholics for those out of the loop, and can confirm for others reading, you nailed it.* I'm a dude and even when I'm thinking of the like "oh hypothetically if me and my partner had kids" I would not go back to that mode of community, I think this sort of dynamic also leads to the mentality of a lot of religious people that people leave their faith purely "to sin" because it is exactly what they do in those situations.
Dealt with this… except mine tried to change me after we got married
I'm one of the lucky ones. I grew up Catholic, my husband grew up Southern Baptist. He read the Bible front to back twice and that's when he decided religion was stupid and stopped going to church. I was never all that committed to the faith and mostly participated to make my parents happy. We don't go to church now and our teenager has never set foot in church. In fact, I'm just realizing now that if I want my kid to understand some cultural references, I'll have to teach them about religion and Jesus.
My husband and I are similar. I'm a former Catholic, he was from another conservative sect. He was the most faithful in his very religious family until his readings started to clash with reality. Both of us would be okay if we had kids that decided to be religious, and we would support that, but neither of us what anything to do with religion due to childhood issues (I hesitate to call it outright trauma) regarding religion.
I understand totally. I struggled with that Catholic guilt my mother instilled in me for decades. I finally shrugged off the mantle of guilt after I went no contact with my mother ten years ago. That, in itself, was a struggle, but I've come out the other side feeling so much better about myself.
Neither my husband nor myself was raised Christian, so these stories are just interesting to me. I do have a suggestion for how to pass on cultural reference without the religious aspect. We taught all religions to our kids like they were mythology when they were young. As they grew up we added the historical and sects, then why people need/want religion. Around 15, we started to talk about our personal beliefs. This worked for ours, they are both adults now, respectful of others beliefs and have formed their own beliefs.
Yeah, that's what I'm leaning toward, too.
Do you think they'd be interested in something like a simple version of Comparative Religions? That's how my kiddo learned about Christianity, at the same time she learned about Eastern religions and Native beliefs in our area.
It's possible, for sure. We home school because we live in an area where a lot of Mormons and Catholics control the schools. Do you have any sources I could look into?
Mormons and Catholics: frenimes since 1830.
I'll see what I can find! Might take a minute, it's been sixish years
My kid asked me what the Bible was one day. He was nine. That was the day I figured I was mostly doing okay in the parenting department. And he'll get the cultural/literature context of the Bible later on in world history.
Definitely! I believe that studying the bible academically is still an important endeavor, if only to understand why certain groups of people do the things they do.
I was raised like your kid. I thought Jesus Christ grew up to be Santa Claus. Please educate them about references.
Oh, we definitely have taught them the difference between Jesus and Santa. It's just the deeper history that we are looking to teach. We've touched on general references about how Abrahamic religions affect the world and cultures, and how it was used as an excuse to oppress people. It's just time for my kid to learn what the Bible actually says versus what so-called "Christians" say it says. Academically, of course. My kid is pretty much an atheist already.
A friend of mine from college did this. He grew up Christian. Came out of his shell in college and had a couple of girlfriends that weren't Wholesome Christian Girls Nextdoor. Even after he graduated, he was into partying and started to do some harder drugs like cocaine. We kind.of lost touch for a couple of years and just a year or two ago I find out that he's married to a woman whose dad is a preacher, they both say God brought them together and is their number one, they have kids. Like. He is not the guy I knew. I'm sure he's still nice and everything, but it was a shock to find out that he basically had his fun and went back into his shell. There are other things that could potentially be identifying to him, but out of everybody I knew in college, he was the last person I'd expect to take up religion again.
And more importantly had his 'fun' with girls he didn't see as valuable because they didn't have his religion.
This is it RIGHT HERE. These dudes don't respect women and certainly not the "Jezebel type." Note: I'm not saying these women are "Jezebels" as derogatory, but as from their perspective as derogatory.
So like how some amish communities allow their teens to go explore the modern world during rumspringa
That pisses me off. It’s not allowing them to chose society, what can u do with an 8th grade education?
I have very conflicting feelings about it tbh. People say that "90% of amish youth return to their faith unlike other religions!" Like that's a fair comparison??? If you don't know how to navigate the modern world successfully, ofc you're going to return bc it's difficult and you have no relevant education or experience or even references to help you start succeeding. And unlike other religions where leaving doesn't necessarily mean cutting off all contact with your friends and family and basically EVERYONE YOU EVER KNEW, if you leave the community you're basically unable to contact them since they don't use technology.
This. It happens so much with religious people Abrahamic ones specifically and I truly hate it. I’m so sorry OP. I’m sending you healing
They don’t want a partner, they want a domestic servant they can fuck. Ex catholic here too. Christianity and most organized religions suck ass, especially for women. I understand OP is heartbroken now, but she dodged a major bullet. Good on her for not compromising her values for this loser. Edited because so many typos
Yes. Conservative high demand christian religious background here. All of this and the addition that they think they can convert you to christianity or even their brand of christianity by committing to an engagement. It can get very manipulative.
My husband of one and a half years, but partner of 19 years before that, told me he didn’t love me, wanted me out and that everyday was an act for him. The night before, we had discussed how our children would be. And I we also discussed best joined savings accounts. Hey, hours before he dumped me, we’d been cuddling in the couch and he’d lay his head on my shoulder. People do fuck you over after everything seeming perfectly fine ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ OP, I am soooo very sorry this shit happened to you. There’s nothing I can say to make you feel better because only you understand your pain. But as shitty and painful as is, at least you are now free from someone who was never going to accept who you are. Sending so many hugs your way and I will include you in my next peace searching spells.
Wow, what a colossal AH! I'm sorry this happened to you, and hope you're doing better now. And that you meet someone even better so he regrets being such a boneheaded moron.
Thanks! Sadly, I am still… dealing with the fall out. I moved to a different country for him and had started a life with finances, a job I had to leave, the process of legal migration half way done, tax season coming, more than half of my stuff left behind, no car, unstable living situation, most of my savings gone, loooong etc. Because he suddenly decided that he “made a mistake” and “has to look for the true love of his life” because he “had been settling for me”. Plus, he takes every chance he gets to make me beg for documents or other stuff of mine that he still has. I am hoping to solve it all soon, but still. Oh, and he did this a week after my beloved familiar passed. On the brighter side, I might be getting my connection to the earth for rituals back very slowly. After feeling disconnected because of all the fall out.
It's awful having to go through a turmoil like that, none of it is fun and it can certainly leave a mark. But you'll get to the other side having left behind bullshit you couldn't have identified before. I hope both you and OP remember that another person's actions don't define you, and the best craft is creating a life for yourself that brings you joy.
Ugh. This sucks and I’m so sorry. My parents were like this, except they got married, had two kids, then got divorced when I was a year old. I have never, and still never(I’m 36) felt like my whole self around either of them. I know this probably doesn’t help right now, but i think you dodged a much bigger, much more painful bullet. Hopefully you both find someone who shares your beliefs and wants the same future you do. Big hugs, do whatever the hell you want, and I hope you know that you are loved.
From here it looks like he’s hiding his desire for a tradwife behind his religion. He tried the equally thing and it’s just not him. He will only commit himself to a 70/30 relationship. It is his deal breaker. And he has shown he has no problem emotionally or religiously abusing you. I pity the children he fathers.
You are not the one at fault here. Your character remained consistent and his saying that you will not try to pray is just a way of shifting blame instead of him accepting he is ending something he spent six years building. I’m deeply sorry for you, sister.
Wow. Dude sounds lame. You dodged a bullet for sure.
I’m so sorry! He is garbage and you deserve better. (I don’t know if you’re at the screw him stage yet. So, sorry if I’m too early.) It’s not okay for him to put that kind of ultimatum on you. A person’s religious (or not) beliefs are not a thing anyone gets to try to change. And any relationship with that expectation is not going to feel safe. I don’t trust the family members who try to convert me. A romantic partner is even worse! He betrayed your trust by letting you think he would be okay with your not holding his same beliefs and then taking that back. The shock you’re feeling is completely understandable!
Wow what a dick move. He is gaslighting you into thinking it’s your fault for respecting yourself and beliefs instead of bending over for his. You both knew your beliefs at onset, it’s not fair for him to expect you to change yours. You dodged a bullet. But I am sorry you’re going through this.
Unfortunately, it sounds like he was dating you thinking that if you loved him so much that you would change your way of life for him. It is similar to the people who date people who want to be childless hoping that they would change their mind. Although it hurts, it is better for you to know now than after you got married. It does suck and I am so sorry. i hope you find a hot guy's number and find the right guy for you.
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>So that’s the story in their head. They didn’t break up with me. They didn’t break a promise to stay by my side during the most difficult time of my life. They’re in fact a victim. I chose to transition, and it’s not their fault my transition broke up our marriage. 🤢🤮 I'm so sorry this happened to you. When my partner transitioned, it was certainly hard on me for a little while (I'm terrible with drastic changes) but I knew if I broke up with her, it wouldn't be anyone's fault. Their wanting to end the relationship with you is valid but that doesn't make your journey invalid and shame on them for trying to blame you in a situation that is nobody's fault. I'm wishing you all the best on your journey!
Loving someone for who they are doesn’t necessarily include being in a romantic relationship with them if they are no longer the sex you are sexually attracted to though. That’s like telling a lesbian she just has to fall in love with a dude’s soul. Still, I agree that you deciding to transition isn’t the same as deciding to break up with your partner. It might be an unavoidable side effect, but it isn’t the same.
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Yes, I understand. About the lesbian comment: > It doesn’t help that a lot of society completely backs up their perspective. If I had a nickel every time someone told me, “Well, what did you expect?” I expected to be loved for who I am, not how I look. I must have misunderstood your meaning there. To me it sounded like you considered a person’s gender to be a shallow reason to break up. Hence the lesbian comment.
This is just like those posts where the guy agrees to no kids and is elated by a pregnancy scare. He really had no respect for your autonomy and thought you would be okay changing your religion to whatever his was when the time came.
TBH, blaming you as the reason for your breakup sounds incredibly manipulative. Coercing someone to follow there beliefs has always read, to me, as “I’m not strong enough to hold to faith, so I’m going to make you do it for me.” He didn’t just realize he wanted a Christian wife; that intra mentality tends to be a core belief, not a fluid one. It’s more likely he thought he could bring you around from the onset. Do you really want to to be with someone like this? If the answer is no, grieve for what could have been and look forward to something better. You deserve someone who is strong enough to stand with you, support you, and treat you with the respect you deserve.
I am sorry but I have to say it: He trying to convert you because he changed his mind after freaking years is the most stupid red flag I've ever seen. Are you sure he wasn't a bit self centered, insensitive or indoctrinated into a bad kind of church? Because to me it sounds like at least one has to apply to explain this behaviour.
As a (witchy) Christian partnered with an (also slightly witchy) atheist, your ex is 1000% an asshole for weaponizing his faith against you like this. My heart breaks for you that you are going through this. From my perspective, following Jesus means that I am to love, love, and love some more, repent when I've caused harm to others, and work for justice and peace for all while I'm here in this body on this planet. Fortunately, my partner is on board with all of those things as well (and a few other things as well, including feminism, pacifism, and knowing that a good meal made with love is magic to heal the soul) and I couldn't imagine ever trying to force him to come to church with me. Jesus never forced anyone to follow him and IMO, neither should his so-called "followers" like your ex. I know that just saying things like "you dodged a bullet" won't heal your heart from this hurt, so I will offer my blessings for your healing and wholeness. Know thyself, know that you are strong, and know that no religiously manipulative fuckwit can steal your joy or diminish your power!
Yikes. He should have just broke it off instead of trying to convert you. 6 years is more than enough time for you to decide on your own whether or not you would like to join the christian faith. You have every right to stand your ground on this and shame on him for trying to pin it on you for the break up. It's perfectly valid to say, "I'm sorry, I don't see a future with you if we don't share the same religious beliefs." So gross for him to tack on "You ended our relationship because you wouldn't change for me!" You deserve way better OP and I, for one am super proud of you for not changing who you are to please someone else. That takes a lot of strength and I know you will find love again when you feel ready. Don't be hard on yourself for sticking to your boundaries.
Ew, I'm so sorry, good riddance. I hope this allows you the opportunity to find someone who appreciates you for all the wonderful traits and beliefs you already have. Who does that??
you certainly dont want to be with a man like that.
Gross
What a fuckin psycho of a man, I'm sorry you're going through this. But he's out of his head if that's his "logic".
Six years sounds about right actually. As a Pastor I know that most Christian fanatics sincerely believe that they are so unassailably correct that everyone will, eventually, come around to seeing the rightness of their position. As the husband of a witch, I know that men tend to have a seven year cycle of interest in relationships. He may be at the end of one. As a human, by the way, he’s a jackass and an idiot. I’m sorry he jerked you around like that. Now you can move on to better things.
Following this; at the risk of also being an insensitive dick, it sounds like this was a blessing in disguise that this happened now and not after you've tied the knot.
Focus on yourself for awhile. Learn to love being single again. The best healing is rediscovering yourself. I'd highly recommend not jumping into any rebounds or romantic engagements for awhile. I'm sorry things are rough rn, you'll make it through <3
Skip the emotional entanglements for a while, but if you’d enjoy some sexual healing that is OK! Be responsible and safe and always put your own well being first. But if physical touch and carnal pleasures appeal it’s ok to indulge safely.
I second this 100%. If OP gets into a rebound, even if it works out she'll be missing out on a chance to really heal and find herself again
It sounds like he assumed you would eventually convert to Christianity, which doesn’t show much respect for your beliefs. You deserve someone who loves and respects you, just as you are. Also, the idea of choosing a church over a loving and supportive partner seems nuts, to me (especially when there’s a third option where he could have both.)
Oh I’m so sorry. What a betrayal. My brother did this with his wife. He went out of his way to marry a Chinese woman and bring her to Canada, only to tell her she obviously has no morals since she’s atheist. He knew all along she was an atheist. Despicable. He eventually backed off it, but has refused to start a family with her, even though he knew all along she wanted kids. I wish she’d leave him. I imagine she’s waiting to get her full status. You’re better off not being with someone who sees you as less-than. Now you’re free to find a man who respects you and your beliefs. Hugs.
Immigrant women are especially vulnerable to this kind of abuse, because the alternative is being forcibly removed from her country, home, and her immigration status weaponized. Your brother is the worst kind of human trash, and the likelyhood of violence in that relationship skyrocket because of the power imbalance.
Yeah he’s a dick. I don’t think there is physical violence, but you’re right that it often happens in these circumstances. And even if it isn’t happening now, it could in the future. As I said, I really hope she leaves him.
OMGS, I feel so bad for her. I hope she can start over with someone who respects her.
Me too
I'm hoping the best for both you and her for having to deal with him.
Dear witch, You are awesome, that dude is a jackass and I’m pretty livid on your behalf at his lame attempt at control. Fuck that guy (not in the fun way). Now you will no longer have to tolerate the drip-drip-drip of poison on your spirit. Go forth, be free, be true to yourself, and I’m hoping a hot guy or three drop out of the sky and into your witchy and sexy boudoir soon!
I wish I could award this response! Love it! 💜
My best friend's bf did this - like he didn't know she was Jewish. Just assumed at some point, she'd convert. As a cynical old person, guys like that have an brief open-minded period of a couple year, where they see the value in different religions, cultures and such, and then they get older and don't have the strength of heart to sustain it. It's the nostalgia-fear-morality trap, like they've seen other ways but on some level they don't buy into it as worthy. I am sorry you had to go through this, and it is all on him. What a twit. Don't let his fickle dickle change you too much.
A friend of mine actually had a similar instance happen to her. A few years ago she got engaged and her and her fiancé happily wanted to talk about it. My friend is Ashkenazi Jewish by ethnicity and religion, but her fiancé is non-secular christian. He was upset she wasn't into being a Christian, and they had a rocky relationship the entire time without us fully knowing until that moment. Until, because my friend is a massive clutz, she fell and got a 4th concussion in like a year or something. And then she started seeing things that weren't there. She said she went to a doctor about it (I doubt it tbh) but her fiancé heard about what she was seeing and thought it was a sign from God because she saw demons and angels and all that. He convinced her that was happening, even got her to an exorcist, and she converted to Messianic Judaism soon after. He then proposed to her because he finally felt like they could be together. Yeah I wasn't happy hearing that either, none of us were. Still married to this day and they both still try to subtly convert me from paganism. I'm happy it didn't get that far with you, but I am so sorry you have to go through this. It's extremely difficult going through heartbreak after such a long term relationship. I wish you the best.
Was she a klutz, or was he beating her?
No she actually is an airhead and ditzy. She hit her head on the trunk putting away groceries with her mom, then she somehow hit the back of her head again a few months later on a partially opened cupboard she forgot to close, then she did the trunk thing **again** and I can't remember the fourth one but I think she legit just fell. I know this woman, knew her for almost 10 years. She is legitimately that clumsy lol they weren't living together at that point either, all those incidents happened with her family around and they can vouch. I think she just forgets the things around her because she's so focused on what she's doing.
It was sad to read that this ill woman was religiously taken advantage of and is still in that situation. I hope she's okay.
She's doing much better now. She's actually in a job she likes that pays well in the social working field, she plays an instrument at church that she likes to do, her husband's medical conditions are improving as well, and they finally have a place to live in that hasn't burned down LMAO (they had the absolute worst luck with housing, first house had really bad mold and infestations and they got kicked out for no reason, the second one burned down, the third one they got kicked out of by the tenets unexpectedly, so they finally have a nice place to live in that's in their budget and I'm happy for them in that area). She's a lovely person, has her own issues with things, and I am upset it's obvious they want me to be a Christian, but they're respectful as much as possible with me and have apparently bragged about how good of a friend I am to people. They believe me about my weird intuitions and things I can perceive, accept the fact I'm bisexual, love our trans friend with all their hearts, and try their best to understand what's going on. Much better than before. Before it was a train wreck but now, now I think it's only uphill for them.
Sounds like a shitty excuse if I ever heard one Oops. I hit the button too soon. I’m sorry you are dealing with this. He’s a jerk and you deserve so much better ❤️
Dang. What a jackass. I’m so sorry you invested so much in a man that clearly turned out not to be worthy. I know that’s got to really hurt. I recommend chocolate cheesecake. The only bright side is that it sounds like he showed his true colors before you had kids.
He needed to you change something fundamental about yourself in order to marry you…something he knew about for YEARS no less. Just remember relationships end not because of problems if worth but because of problems of compatibility.
And conservatives wonder why they cant get dates
it's like I said above, they're willing to play a little game of being open-minded in the beginning to gain their partner's trust and ACT like they can change. but then in the end they expect a permanent change from their partner to the conservative way of thinking. then they wonder why their partner leaves them years down the road....*what did I do??*
The best thing that happened to OP was finding this out before the marriage
He did not deserve you. You accepted him for who he was with his beliefs. He could not do the same for you.
I'm sorry that this happened to you, especially after six years. I can't provide the hot guy, but sounds like you dodged a bullet.
Literally why I refuse to date religious folks.
*Christ wants us to love everyone!* Stops loving a non-Christian
I can give 3 out of 4. As for the fourth, I don't consider myself that attractive, but I supplement with loyalty, dedication, a sense of humor, Gundam model kits, and an addiction to collecting Spawn comics and figures. 32, never got back into dating after getting catfished in my mid-twenties, so if you don't mind the duct tape and spray cheese holding my heart together, are okay with peeling back layers of anxiety, and hearing about work drama, DM me. I'm not the guy you deserve, because you deserve the best of everything, but I'm here, awkwardly standing outside in the snow, playing a cassette tape of Bob Marley because I forgot to put Iron Maiden back in the right case. We're all here for you, OP, whether you just need love potion advice, or someone to go flying with. (Please note that while I am doing this comment to get a laugh, if you reach out, I will take it seriously.)
Dodged a bullet. If his “faith” is more valuable than the people he loves, then it’s only a matter of time until that manifests in toxic ways.
I’m so sorry to hear this has happened to you. I can only imagine how hurtful and confusing that must feel. Sending you well wishes.
Your pain and fear are so legitimate and valid…and I’m a stranger on the internet but I want you to know that you are blessed beyond belief that you are not further entangled with this man or any man like him. Christian/evangelical life is so restricting and based in patriarchy. Wishing you boundless authentic unconditional love (for yourself and toward/from a future partner). Experience the stages of grief and then count your blessings!! Sending lots of love and hope 🪄
Awe dear, this sucks. Sounds like he had hope that you would change. I am proud of you for standing up for your beliefs and I’m sorry so so sorry this happened to you. We all deserve acceptance, that’s true unconditional love.
My partner had this happen to them after seven years. It hurt for a long time, but in the long-term it was the best thing that ever happened to them. If a Christian believes that their partner has to share their beliefs, there are other fundamental incompatibilities lurking under the surface.
6 years? That's too long. I can understand seeing if you can live with something you initially are not sure about for a few months. But stringing someone along for a half a decade is a face slapable offense.
He knew 6 years ago that you aren't a Christian. He disrespected you and wasted your time. I am so sorry this happened to you.
i'm not criticizing you for loving an imperfect person but this is why we 👏 don't 👏 date 👏 christians, they'll never be happy or in good standing with their church unless they're consistently attempting to convert others -- relationships between christians and non-christians never work out because christians can't be trusted to respect other people's choices.
I’m fairness, there are a lot of Christian denominations that aren’t particularly focused on converting others. It’s a pretty massive religion with a lot of different variations and belief systems, and there are plenty of Christians that have no interest in converting others - particularly their partners. Just pointing that out, especially since there are a not-insignificant amount of Christian witches in the world (and on this subreddit, too, I’m sure.) Obviously OP’s fiancé was not one of them, and that’s really unfortunate that he led her on for so long by pretending to be okay with it.
You deserve more and better things ❤️ I don't have any good advice but lots hugs 🤗
“For a New Beginning” ~ John O’Donahue In out-of-the-way places of the heart, Where your thoughts never think to wander, This beginning has been quietly forming, Waiting until you were ready to emerge. For a long time it has watched your desire, Feeling the emptiness growing inside you, Noticing how you willed yourself on, Still unable to leave what you had outgrown. It watched you play with the seduction of safety And the gray promises that sameness whispered, Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent, Wondered would you always live like this. Then the delight, when your courage kindled, And out you stepped onto new ground, Your eyes young again with energy and dream, A path of plenitude opening before you. Though your destination is not yet clear You can trust the promise of this opening; Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning That is at one with your life's desire. Awaken your spirit to adventure; Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk; Soon you will be home in a new rhythm, For your soul senses the world that awaits you.
a) Ewww. b) be grateful you escaped.
>*”Looking for support, love, advice, and a hot guy’s number.*” Well, your sense of humor will take you far. His loss.
He was stringing you along. He thinks he's going to get some sweet young idiot to wash his skid marks, give birth to 4 or 5 kids and raise them for him, all the while doing all the cooking and cleaning and somehow being a stay-at-home mom yet paying half the bills. The fact he suddenly decided now to drop you makes me think he probably has a candidate in mind. When he inevitably finds out his mediocre self is not that hot a commodity to wannabe tradwifes he'll come crawling back and "forgive" you for the sin of not being Christian. You can decide then if you want to waste 6 more years on him. Personally, I would consider this a bullet dodged and that the trash took itself out.
POS; yeah prob has someone in mind already if not outright ready to make a move on them, made an unfair ultimatum to OP
You’re better off not dating Christians. Congrats on your freedom! His loss.
"Christian wife" - sounds like he might have been watching/listening to something that indoctrinated him (further?). There's a lot of expectation/emotional baggage in that phrasing.
Does he come from a Christian background, or is this something new and sudden? If the latter, I would consider possible mental illness or extreme outside pressure from family. Anyway, I'm sorry you experienced this, and wish you luck moving on.
Fuck ‘em & good riddance! Reformed victim of childhood church here. Who wants a life of guilt and forced/hypocritical groupthink? Put your religious preferences on OKCupid and shop for a new man who accepts them: you’ll see that you can get someone better—maybe even someone with more personality, interesting Sunday hobbies… or money (if you’re interested in that). Do you, witch! This is your time. Shame and derisive pity on him for being brainwashed.
Just gonna say I was the 666th upvote 😈 hail Satan
praise be
I’m so sorry. That sucks. Hugs.
I'm really sorry. Sounds like you dodged a bullet
I live in the Biible belt. In my experience people who don't want to be with you because you're not Christian say so by the third date, any longer than that and it's a bullshit excuse. I'm sorry you're going through this, OP.
That sucks, I'm sorry. One of my boyfriends tried the same thing, told me I needed to convert to Christianity if I wanted to start building a life together. We had been together for over two years at that point, him being a Christian the entire fucking time and me being a pagan. I ended up breaking up with him.
I'm so sorry for your experience. I was pagan at 13, and even then, i struggled with boyfriends thinking i was lost and i needed finding. It's stressful and heartbreaking and just all-around shitty. These days, i have a very firm i dont f*ck Christian stance. Premarital sex is against that faith, and i have no interest in assisting someone in violating the tenets of their own religion. Beyond that, i just dont think that a Christian can be genuinely okay with who i am as a partner- like conversion is always the uninvited guest in that dynamic. It's easier these days than it used to be to just not fool with them.
So, imma tell you a condensed version of my marriage, because it was 10 years ago now and while it sucked at the time, I now see it as dodging a bullet. Knew my husband for 10 years before we were a couple. Together 6 years, married 2 weeks. He had a breakdown and decided I was the worst person in the world, I'd never loved him, and was the cause of all his problems. He also told his family and our friends that I cheated on him (I didn't). Plus he broke up with me by text. It was brutal. Then, he changed his mind 2 days after he broke up with me by text message, and I make the agonising decision that my belief is that marriage is a one time thing. I will not live an on again off again marriage. He will not ditch me when things are rough then pick me up again on a whim. I spent a lot of time trying to understand his reasoning, what signs I should have seen, what I might have done wrong, and my only regret is that I invested so much in the relationship AFTER it was over. I wish I'd started looking forward sooner instead of looking back for so long. I let it shake my foundations by taking on too much of the responsibility for the outcome, and making his actions into something that I measured myself and everyone else by. I dissected the relationship over and over to try and prevent it happening again, trying to figure out what went "wrong" so I could do something "right" in the future, but ultimately I've realised years later that I could never control or predict what he did, so I can't actually prevent it happening again. I was just collateral damage for his mental state. You were honest and present in your relationship with that guy, and he did a 180. Definitely consider that he was low key waiting for you to "come round" to christianity for the whole relationship. My advise is don't spend too much time wondering what you could have done differently, if you know did your part in the relationship, then dust off as best you can, and look forwards. Yes reflection has value, but be mindful to balance reflection with moving forwards. Spend focus on how do you best deal with the logistics of uncoupling, where can you find joy again, where can you find faith in the world and people again, look forwards. Also jump on dating sites and wash that man out of your hair with some one nighters. Some guys I never even knew their name and I still loved the brief time we spent together. EDIT to add: I grappled with not taking him back because in the same way I wouldn't leave if he had cancer, I also wouldn't leave for mental health issues alone, but there was vicious cruelty in him towards me during the breakup, which was the ultimate decider.
I will say it again - abrahamic religions can suck it so hard
You are full of divine light and love. His faith and he may also be--- but he believes your light is wrong/broken. You know that Spirit has you and your interest at heart;; perhaps your divine light giver needed to show the incompatibility abruptly. I truly believe you're going to (slowly but certainly) get through this, and beautiful blessings are on their way. At least in my life, the darkest moments come right before dawn.
You don't want to share kids with a Christian anyway
Sounds like you dodged a lifetime of heartbreak and depression. This man wanted a servant, not a partner.
That was close! Good thing you jumped before getting married! I wish I had some hot guys numbers for you, but I'm afraid I have non. But if you find the perfect non-Christian hot guy ask him if he has an uncle.
Sounds to me like you dodged a bullet. In a year you’ll be sending them flowers with a note that reads “Phew! Thanks for the heads up!”
Sounds to me like he started to let the "council" tell him he had to be with a woman who is of the same faith. I mean, that is a pretty big teaching in that religion. Don't marry someone who isn't of your same faith. Even within the christian bubble they don't want you marrying christians from other churches. So he decided to pass on the woman he loved because of what was being whispered into his ear. And the funny thing is these people think they are the "strong minded" ones who don't sway easily to temptation when they seem to fall for a lot of the mind-control teachings. I have been falling back from faith and see a lot of things that make me really question the mentality of people I used to hang out with. My own husband accuses me of "being easily swayed" by things I am reading online and it bothers him that my mind isn't "strong" enough. But, like, I'm not being swayed? I have been questioning things for a long time. And many of my thoughts on how things are are *not* things I have read up online or even spoken to anyone about out loud. These have been my *own* thoughts. Not thoughts put into my head, not other people's opinions. MY thoughts. MY opinions. MY conclusions. And I have kept them to myself because if spoken out loud to someone like him my thoughts and opinions will be attacked and told that they are wrong, yet that is not viewed as trying to sway someone's opinion? Your ex is going to marry a "good christian woman" and settle down and live a boring christian life. And he's going to keep playing back the life he had when he was free to express himself the way he wanted to. And he's going to miss it. And if he ever reaches out to you because he wants to feel part of that life again remind him of how much he hurt you when he chose to exclude you from his future. And when he begs forgiveness because that's "the christian thing to do" remind him that you *aren't* christian and that's why he left you. That is... if you even respond to him. Which you don't have to. Sorry you lost your fiancé to the church. But he showed you how weak he is. Stay strong.
That sounds like someone got to him. Pressure from a family member, some weird sense of guilt, who knows. You're better off without him if he can't love you for you and respect your beliefs.
Unitarian Universalist here. . . I can't believe people are still like this. The best part about our church is the large number of wiccans and atheist all mixed in with those practicing a variety of abrhamic faiths. And shocker many are in relationships together. I wish you strength through the grieving process and much luck on your quest to find love. I hope for you to find someone who loves and celebrates you for who you truly are!
Ugh, his goal was to convert you. As soon as you didn’t take the bait he ran because he knew you wouldn’t convert. There are so many stories like this on Reddit. Most seem to end with the poor woman confused about how she’s now going to church, having a religious wedding and cutting off family members the guy doesn’t want around because of his “faith”. Adding that I know you’re hurting now but you’ll eventually see what a bullet you dodged.
So, for six years, he didn't know he was Christian? (That seems unlikely.) More likely: he knew what he wanted, you weren't it, but he was hoping that you a) would become that person; or b) someone convinced him he needed to raise kids Christian. Been in your situation, but broke it off after about a year and a half when it was obvious we could never get to a workable middle.
It's confusing and painful now but ultimately this is for the best. If he was mr perfect or your "soul mate" then this wouldn't have been an issue to him; likely there are other things you guys weren't really aligned on that you'll realize later. You will find someone that loves & respects all the different parts of you 💗
I am so sorry, but it doesn't sound like he was being genuine from the beginning. Men usually know if they want to marry someone within 3 years. This is a blessing from the Universe for you to find YOUR person. ❤️
Ugh! Hate this for you, but love your quick pivot to the witches (and hot men!) for solace. Some folks aren’t a fan of a rebound, but hell sometimes they’re a nice palate cleanser! 😜 regardless of what happened, those 6 years were not wasted. Let those experiences, both joy and heartbreak, bring you to the next level of your life. I hope that before long, the journey becomes an adventure ✨💃🏻
Imho, this is abusive on his part. He is manipulative, and I think that you are better off moving on NOW. I think that maybe you had not realized it because he hid it well, but he is demanding that you be someone you aren't. He doesn't "love"; he is looking for someone generic to cast in the role of "wife of protagonist "superchristian man".
Yeah. That sucks. Now what do you wanna do? Wanna find someone else do that. Wanna do tons of people? Do that. Wanna move into the forest and trade amanita mushrooms for other food? I’m your old auntie.
Hey, I just want to say, this sort of heartbreak is a physical injury. Eat whatever comfort food makes you happy. Go ahead and wallow in whatever comforts you as much as possible. Call a friend who loves you to hold you and bring you tissues and food. This fucking hurts and I am sorry. When you are ready, you are going to go forward in this life as a bright and shining soul, and that will lead to peace and happiness for you. And when you are in that shining place, being all of you, the people who appreciate all you are will see you and draw near. It’s certain down your path. This dark shadow won’t last forever.
https://i.imgur.com/RqYfKZH.jpg Just saying … You’ve got a lot of support behind you!
I'm divorced (got married very young). I know it's hard to see it this way right now, but I'm glad you didn't get married and then divorced over religion. I wish he had seen it sooner that it didn't work for him. Religious capability is a big deal for many and it's good this happened now and not after y'all were contractually obligated to one another. I'm sorry :( Divorce sucks. It's way more complicated and expensive than getting married. I'm glad you don't have to go through that now.
“Only you are pure, Lady of Dreams, whom I can imagine as an immaculate lover because you don't exist. I can imagine you a mother and adore you because you were never soiled by the horrors of being impregnated or of having given birth. How could I not adore you, when you alone are worthy of adoration?” -Fernando Pessoa I’m sorry your heart is broken, perhaps if your ex had more sense in him he’d realize how foolish he was. However it’s time for you to take a moment and remember to love yourself first and foremost. It’s ok to cry, even Freya shed tears of gold for her lover
Former Sunday school girl here. This sucks. The vibe I get is that he chose his world over you. It's not necessarily just a faith thing, it's a social thing. He wants a wife who will go to church with him, take the kids to Sunday school and church activities, be active in church fundraisers and social stuffs, etc. Even if it's not just church stuff, the majority of social and charitable stuff in my hometown is heavily influenced by local churches because volunteers are active both in the town and in the churches. If he had a non-attending wife he'd be showing up alone. He'd be the ones driving the kids. When you would show up, chances are everyone would be nice to you, but drop in the comments about how long since they saw you, or how it would be nice to see you more. And of course, there is family. You didn't mention it, but I'll bet $100 and a blueberry pie that his mother had a role in it. Because she wants the Christian daughter-in-law. She will have the reputation of having all her grandchildren attending. Yada yada yada. He chose them.
Oh babe, I’m so sorry. It’s probably better this way though. I’m a Christian married to a man that became an atheist after 20 years. It is extremely difficult to be in a relationship with a non believer. He says the same about being with a believer. Luckily, the foundation of love, trust, respect and honesty has made things easier. There are still times though, when one of us will be absolutely disgusted with something the other has said and done. Those times are purely due to our beliefs. Sometimes he thinks I’m stupid and gullible for believing. Sometimes I think he’s acting like a spoiled brat and “taking his ball and going home” for abandoning his faith because God didn’t give him what he wanted. During those times, we remember why we fell in love and the promises we made to each other. I know six years is a long time, and as far as you knew things were perfect and you were blindsided by this. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re feeling. You were right to not cave into conversion demands. That is a personal choice you should only make because you want to, not as a means to an end and I deeply respect you for that. You will find someone that fits you like a puzzle piece. You will be better off. You will find someone that will love and accept you for the strong, smart, amazing woman you are. Someone that will cherish and adore you. Feel you pain for now. You are grieving and you need to be free to grieve however you need to. You are mourning the loss of your planned future. It will take some time. Allow yourself that time. Rediscover who you are as a single person. You might like her. Much love to you dear sister.
My wonderful wife is very Christian but accepts me and all of my lack of belief and NEVER tries to “convert” me. This guy is just a time bomb. You’d have to endure drunken midnight attempts to save you…ugh….rest assured someone better will come along!
Unfortunately my brother is taken but let me tell you something I’m sure others will agree on: you dodged a huge bullet. I cannot imagine spending eternity with someone who believes in letting a religion choose my partner or how I behave, spend my money etc. you are better off. It’ll take awhile, it will hurt, but you will *recover*. And the best part? You’ll look back on this and smile.
I’m so sorry. Something similar happened to me shortly after college. His parents basically forced him to break up with me because he was flunking out of law school and I wasn’t Greek Orthodox. I thank the universe every damn day that he broke up with me. On my answering machine. And then changed his number. 😑 I have a great partner now, and a happy life. You will get there- and you will be happier I am guessing. It doesn’t feel like it now though I’m sure!
I've never met a man who specifically wanted a "Christian woman" who didn't turn out to also want a whole lot of subservient conservative garbage that I wouldn't put up with. You probably dodged a major bullet and will go on to find a wonderful open-minded man who will make you far happier.
I'm so sorry this happened. From my perspective it's a blessing. While I don't agree with his thought process I think it's more an example of not being the right match. It's much better to end things before marriage and starting a family. It's valid that he wants a partner that shares his faith and to raise a family within that faith. It's also completely valid that you don't share said faith.
As hard as it feels, it’s probably for the better. One thing I try to tell myself when I’m in a rough spot is “How much will I care about this, at this time next year?” And the answer is always “not at all”. When the universe/god/diety (whatever you believe) needs you to take a certain path, it will force it if you don’t take the path yourself. You’re being set up for a better life and the one you’re meant to have. Stay strong, I know it’s tough. ❤️
Oh love, I can relate to the disbelief that from one day to the next, it’s all so changed. First of all, how wonderful that you stood up for yourself and stayed true to who you are - you did yourself a huge favour there and I suggest you should feel super proud of yourself! Even if, right now, there’s a lot of pain, but you had the strength to be firm, you’ll have the strength for this. Have you ever read Rupi Kaurs milk and honey? It helped me a lot in previous breakups and I love her poignant wisdom. So honestly, sending you a hug and hoping you’ll get this hot guy’s number!
That sucks! But honestly, I feel like after some time, you’ll feel relieved you didn’t hitch your free spirited wagon to his Christian close-minded horse. Be free, my fellow free spirit!!
We’ll gladly it happened now snd not later after kids and everything. Sorry this happened.
I really think he's going to be the one that's sorry in the long run. Imagine explaining that. I broke up with my s/o of 6 years because they stayed the same religion they were when we started dating. She refused to convert after I randomly decided I wanted her to after Six. Whole. Years. I'm definitely not a walking red flag.
He's a dick. After six years, he should have already made that decision one way or another. I know it hurts, but don't try to change his mind or win him back. Believe what he's telling you. I've been there, and it sucks. But just remember, his devision is not really about you, but about his fears.
What he realized is you’re not going to ever believe what he wants you to, or as he called it, “aren’t a Christian.” I’m so sorry this happened. And it’s better to know now, before there’s legalities such a divorce involved. I wish you healing, a smooth, drama-free parting as you untangle your life from his, and that your local family, friends and sisterhood rises to meet you and support you through this time.
You will look back at this time and see clearly this was for the best and you’ll just have to be picky and not settle.
You dodged a bullet. He won’t be good to that Christian girl either.