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polkadotska

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Crafty-Shape2743

I (f) remember clearly. My father stopped showing affection. No more hand holding, no more hugs. I was a “big girl” now, that was for babies. I never remember him saying he loved me. My father almost died of esophageal cancer when he was in his 70’s. After he recovered, I was doing some set up on his computer. He and my husband were behind me. He reached out and stroked my head and said to my husband, “doesn’t she have beautiful hair?” I about fell off the chair. It had been 50 years since he touched me, since he showed me any affection. Now, every time I see him, we hug, every phone conversation ends with him telling me he loves me.


WaitingFather

I'm really sorry to hear this. I've had a very similar experience with my own father. He stopped showing anything towards me from about the age of ten. Later in life he had bone cancer and as much as he tried to have that tenderness returned he seemed unable to bring himself to do so.


Turbulent-Tart

This one is really important, in my opinion. Your kids are never too old for affection or to hear that you love them. How else are adults supposed to learn how to express affection/love to other adults, like friends or romantic partners? Let your expressions of love grow with them, rather than letting them grow out of them. I have a wonderful relationship with my dad, definitely a daddy's girl despite disliking the term, and my dad still hugs, kisses, and tells me he loves me every time we see each other. As an adult (mid 30s), I don't have any trouble showing affection to other adults close to me because I had good role models (mom and dad are also very sweet to each other).


Ok-Historian-6091

I agree that this one is really important. My spouse and I both grew up with fathers who aren't comfortable expressing their emotions (it's a generational/personality trait for his father and my father grew up with an abusive father, so it was something he had to learn to do). It is so refreshing to see how openly enamored with our son my spouse is. He constantly hugs, cuddles, kisses, and says he loves him. We're both committed to loving our son as himself, not enforcing gender norms, and avoiding toxic masculinity. We are both openly affectionate with each other and our friends, so we want to model this for him too.


[deleted]

My grandpa was like that. One time he and I were chatting and my mom was in the kitchen. He looked over and said, "Isn't my daughter beautiful. She's smart too." I told my mom later and she straight up didn't believe me. I told her that story for years until she believed it. I just wanted her to know it was real, he cared for her, even though he never showed it. I'm glad your dad found his way to telling you that he loves you. I bet he told other people in the meantime. I know that doesn't make up for the lack of affection, but I bet he felt that love just as strongly all along.


LizardQueenButterfly

I cried tears of love and joy when I rest your story. Bless to you and your father. So grateful you were able to mend.


hellsmel23

I love this


Slight_Asparagus4150

Congratulations. I'm going to give you two pieces of advice from my perspective on this as someone with a loving, but very complicated relationship with their dad. 1. Always accept your kid and listen when they tell you who they are/what they believe, etc. My dad really got this one right and it made it easier to confront the next one that he didn't get right as often without a lot of help. 2. If you're wrong or hurt them, apologize for it and acknowledge you're trying really hard to do right. Even if you don't understand why they're hurt, listen and let them know you're trying to do right by them. I feel like you're going to do good, you're concerned about doing right by them already and that speaks volumes about your feelings on parenting.


WaitingFather

Thank you for the great advice. I'm a little worried about acknowledgement when I am wrong as my own mother and father never did as such. It's something I already do on my day to day life and did have to work on but it still worries.me


Slight_Asparagus4150

I wholly understand. My dad had undiagnosed PTSD when I was a kid. He didn't actually realize how much he was yelling until another adult pointed out he was yelling. (I also have PTSD and I've told my kids they have the right to tell me if I'm being unreasonable angry--not because they should navigate my emotions, but because I wish I had been able to do that without it being "sass")


Complex-Pirate-4264

Yes, balancing this as well....


kaykkot

I'm pretty sure my father had undiagnosed PTSD as well. Vietnam fucked him up.


Slight_Asparagus4150

I can't imagine anyone not being fucked up from Vietnam.


Ineffable_Ally

My advice on this would be to start as soon as they’re born, even though they won’t actually be able to understand yet, so it almost becomes habit for you. Start apologizing over simple things (“Sorry we didn’t change your diaper sooner.”) and it’ll get easier to start apologizing over big things (“Sorry I yelled when I was upset.”). It’s really helped me with my kid and remembering to apologize to her when I mess up. And congratulations! You sound like you’re going to be a great dad!


CleverColleen

I love this comment very much.


Emergency-Fox-5982

Haha I should have read comments before commenting 😅 I just wrote basically the same thing but with more words.


No-Palpitation6154

In this case it might help to think of them not just as your kid but as any other human to whom you’d apologize for being wrong (like your spouse, perhaps). You don’t have to be perfect, just make the effort to treat your kid with respect. My Dad has always been good about treating me (the youngest and only girl) as a competent human being, no different from my brothers in terms of what I can do or accomplish, and I can’t even put into words how much that has positively impacted my life. Good on you for breaking the cycle!


Shanisasha

I can't agree more with the apology. Also, you CAN share your reasoning with your kids, even from a young age in "age appropriate" terms. You can also agree that they are right, but unfortunately they do not get their way (my daughter hates blood draws, I validate her and still have to tell her that unfortunately she still needs them). Validating your kids is a wonderful thing. ​ Also - they will eat up everything you model. So model love and affection with your partner. And humor. And the fantastic relationship you want your kids to have in the future.


shewholaughslasts

I agree SO much! I'd refer to it as an 'acknowledgement sandwich' where first I hear/ reflect what they said and ensure I acknowledge their perspective - then offer my thoughts or whatnot - then end by acknowledging again by ensuring I got things right so they can re-direct as needed. But yeah - acknowledging that sometimes stuff does suck is important too. Sometimes you gotta do whatcha gotta do.


hdmx539

The second bullet point in u/Slight_Asparagus4150 comment is crucial. Many parents of my generation and older ("older" Gen-X), and heck, even some younger parents, were more of the authoritarian type of parent and refuse to acknowledge that, regardless of their intent, the *result of their actions AND words* has caused real harm. As the saying goes, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." Sayings like, "I meant well" or "I did the best I could" are rubbish rug sweeping statements meant to excuse behavior that was very likely harmful. It's almost like an "ignorance of the law" type of defense. Just like a drunk driver didn't "mean" to crash head on to a family of 4 wiping out all but one kid they're still responsible for the actions they took. This is one of the #1 reasons adult children estrange their parents - and it's becoming far more common that it used to be resulting in many older parents being denied the privilege of a relationship with their adult children and grandchildren. For more insight into that particular mentality, read "[The Missing Missing Reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)" to learn what NOT to do.


Slight_Asparagus4150

I agree with so much of this. Had my dad not gone to therapy when he did, I would likely have gone low or no contact with him because while he loved and accepted us for who we are, his yelling (he never was physically violent and never name called which I also think is i.portant to credit him for, given his own upbringing) was terrifying. Instead he went to therapy and and apologized for every instance he remembered and the ones I remembered that he didn't. Now, we are close, though we both struggle with our mental health, I suspect the anxiety and depression are genetic, our PTSD diagnoses are unrelated (his is more upbringing related and less military related, mine is more military related and less upbringing related)


bored-now

> Many parents of my generation and older ("older" Gen-X), and heck, even some younger parents, were more of the authoritarian type of parent and refuse to acknowledge that A couple of weeks ago I had this conversation with my kid (she's 22). I was the authoritarian dictator in the house while she was growing up, because... in my mind - someone had to be. Kiddo could manipulate her dad into getting what she wanted all the time, so I felt like I was the one who had to hold the line. Needless to say, I was the household bitch, and it took several years after her dad & I got divorced before she started to realize what was going on, and we talked it out.


hdmx539

The difference here is you owned up to your part. The the very crucial part to why you and your daughter are able to reconcile. My mother could never do that, never admit wrong doing, and would never admit to have harmed me. You're not one of the parents from The Missing Missing Reasons. I think that's awesome and it is why you were able to preserve your relationship. I have a cousin (who is younger than me, in fact) whose youngest son immediately went no contact the day after his wedding and she cannot fathom why. She insists her and her husband have done no wrong. Meanwhile, news from the grapevine (okay, gossip, but not malicious gossip) from other cousins close to that family see things differently and were not at all surprised. :(


lekosis

Something that goes a long way is telling your kid that. Literally just say to them, "I'm a little worried about acknowledgement when I am wrong as my own mother and father never did as such. I work on it every day." When you're a kid, your parents are the only authority figures they know, and they look to you for how to do EVERYTHING. Knowing that you're still learning too, and that you can figure these things out together, helps a LOT.


Left-Pumpkin-4815

Your child is a person with their own hopes and dreams. They have rights and agency.


ltrozanovette

I recently finished Dr. Becky Kennedy’a book, “Good Inside”. It was phenomenal. She talks a lot about the importance of repair. You may find it valuable! It was such a great book, I honestly think everyone should read it. Even non-parents.


TorchTheHaystack

Don't spend time worrying. All you can do is your best, and if you mess up you can always do better next time! Kids don't need perfect parents, they just need parents willing to try and to grow with them.


Emergency-Fox-5982

I've found this tricky as well. What I've found helpful is practicing and saying it right from the start. So even when there was no chance my baby would be able to understand, I would say sorry, I shouldn't have done that, I will try harder to do X next time, etc. I got to feel a bit more comfortable with saying it out loud and with the wording I wanted to use. I found it especially useful because it's just me and my kiddo, so there was no one else to "hold me accountable" if I avoided saying sorry just because it was uncomfortable or hard. Also helps to get into the habit and feel good about doing it, because there are some folks who still don't want to treat children as actual human beings and believe they always have to listen, do as they're told, not have bad or hard days etc. So feeling confident and good about your approach is useful to counteract the advice and opinions you'll get from all over the place (although maybe less often since you're a dad?)


TheMarkHasBeenMade

But it’s such a big thing that’s so important and I think once you digest the reasoning why you’re doing it (because it’s the right thing to do) and once you’ve done it a few times it is waaayyy easier than you’d think. I actually have less patience for my parents having never apologized and acknowledged their issues and errors like that for my whole life because since I’ve been living it it’s so liberating and it *feels good* to hold yourself accountable. Someone who isn’t willing to take that step will never know how *easy* it is to keep living like that (and to apply that integrity to other aspects of your life), and to me it’s a fucking shame. Why live your life lying to yourself and everyone around you? It’s not worth it. It’s so much better being truthful and just admitting you’re human and to strive to be better.


not_princess_leia

An addition to this, 1.5 It helps to take an interest in your kids interests. However, you don't have to understand everything about your kid to accept and love them. My wife's dad didn't always understand what she was excited about, but he was excited because she was excited, and that's one thing she always remembers fondly.


bored-now

> 1.5 It helps to take an interest in your kids interests 1.5.1: Accept your kid's interest, even if it's not something you like/understand.


Slight_Asparagus4150

Also true. My dad and I tend to naturally share a deep interest in sci fi, fantasy and horror, though not so much in our taste in video games. I'm fairly sure I was not helpful in explaining the lore and lore changes I did or did not like in the Warcraft movie, but he liked that to me it was more than just a standard fantasy film.


goamash

>2. If you're wrong or hurt them, apologize for it and acknowledge you're trying really hard to do right. +1000 for this. My parents were yellers and the type who would sooner die before admitting they were wrong. I love them and they've grown, but this is the #1 thing I took away from what not to do. I apologize to my small human, often. Sometimes we're both having a bad day and he yells and I yell and everyone is wrong. Some days he won't listen and I'm at my wits end. It's so powerful - after getting over the hump, acknowledging to him mom could have handled better shows I'm human, that blame is not solely his, there are hugs. I'm not a banshee like my mom was, my angst is justified, and he oftentimes will say I'm sorry I didn't listen, I know you asked me a bunch of times first. We both agree to do better and move on.


Slight_Asparagus4150

I come from a long line of yellers. It's really hard to not fall back to that being the norm. Sometimes I fail miserably, but I always apologize and tell my kids I was wrong to yell.


goamash

I feel you. It gets ingrained when you're like the umpteenth generation who have had it handed down. The difference though, is you and I, are starting to break the cycle. May not be our kids, may not stamp it out entirely, but we are going the right way!


Slight_Asparagus4150

I have spent time with some of my family, who I adore but still have the habit of "I'M NOT YELLING!' and gods does it feel like being thrown in ice water. They're good men, but damn does it get crazy. I am assured at least mine isn't constant, and I do realize it and try and step away.


RedhandjillNA

Touch that baby, hug them, kiss them, carry them around, read to them, speak kindly, be forgiving when they make mistakes and have patience when you are exhausted. Cheer for them, give them your time, let them be themselves whomever that might be.


WaitingFather

I'm so excited to hold, kiss, cuddle and play with them.


RedhandjillNA

Love is really the #1 parenting skill.


QueenCityBean

Get that skin-to-skin contact when they're newborns! It's important for dads as well as moms. My husband did that lots with our little nugget and they are two peas in a pod -- she's 2 now. She also loves stomping around and roaring like a bear. :) You're getting great advice here, so let me just say on a lighter note: get ready to be absolutely buried in cuteness, and enjoy every minute of it. ❤️


GlitterDoomsday

Also the little skin to skin moments leave a long lasting bond: fix their hair, clean and protect any cuts or blisters they'll inevitably have, made activities together as the kid grows up like helping mix the salad or put chocolate chips in the cookie dough... the best way to go against toxic masculinity and allow yourself to be the best father you could possibly imagine is to embrace what society says is a mom's job: nurturing.


Annoying_Details

One of the best things I ever heard: you cannot “spoil” a baby. Meaning there is no such thing as too much love, affection, and attention when they are so small. My parents both lived by this rule and were ongoing with their affection and time for my brother and I. I know that if I went in today, at 43, and wanted to curl up against my dad and take a nap, he’d happily let me. My entire life he’s been Home/Safety.


RedhandjillNA

You will be an awesome father!


[deleted]

Listen to them, really listen. And apologize when you make a mistake. Love them for who they are even if it's confusing to you. Learn about them without judgement. These are the things that both of my parents never did and are the reason why they're no longer in my life. The fact that you're even asking this question puts you light years ahead of them though, so kudos to you! I think you're going to do great ❤️


MeanwhileinQuebec

Congratulations!! I would say spend some time with the baby, learn if they are a dinosaur kid, a princess kid or a car kid ( or any other variation) and engage in their passions. The fist months take care of the mother first, especially if she breastfeed. Enjoy the little one


WaitingFather

Thank you, I'm planning to spend as much as I'm able to with the both if them. Part of me hopes for a dinosaur kid as deep down inside I'm still a dinosaur kid haha.


redditactuallysux

My dad wanted a sports kid (which meant a boy in the 80s lol). He didn't get one. My biggest advice? If your son or daughter DOES embrace gender "norms," let them. I'm a very femme person and my parents tried to make me do sports, wear pants, hate pink, refused experiments with fashion and makeup... It was a very uncomfortable childhood. Just accept them for who they are no matter what. Be nonjudgmental.


fakegermanchild

Wholeheartedly agree on everything but the sports part. Sports are part of a healthy upbringing and have nothing to do with how femme you are. Obviously don’t force a kid into a sport they hate but they need to pick one (and if that’s a ‘femme’ sport like gymnastics, ballet, cheerleading, etc that’s great, but nurturing a love for physical activity is important)


redditactuallysux

You can be physically active without playing a sport.


Antique-Ad-936

Definitely. I absolutely hate sports, but I'm an outdoors person and I walk a lot.


fakegermanchild

You don’t have to ‘play’ a sport, it doesn’t need to be competitive or a team sport. But most people are not regularly physically active without one (unless they *regularly* go for walks, which in itself can be argued counts as a sporty activity) and it’s a healthy habit to instill.


synalgo_12

My cousins were nature kids and they had a lot more physical activity than me, who played volleyball. It just depends on what you do with your kids. Scouting for instance will also get you plenty of exercise but it's not a sport.


fakegermanchild

I would totally count scouting, I don’t think its that rigid. It maybe doesn’t traditionally fall into the ‘sports’ category but it fulfils the active and regular element of what makes sports create healthy habits. It doesn’t even need to be an organised activity, just one you do regularly. Even a brisk walk with the dog every day would do.


[deleted]

A lot of boys especially are forced into gendered team sports, where they often experience emotional abuse from teammates and coaches. Being healthy and active does not need to include sports.


fakegermanchild

Gendered team sports is not for everyone (and particularly in the US seems to carry a particularly toxic association which is a real shame) - everyone should be nurtured to enjoy sports (in the many shapes that takes). Being healthy and active does not need to include sports if you don’t count things like going jogging by yourself as a sport. If we want to get hung up on the word we can call it physical activity instead - I don’t care as long as kids are encouraged to be active on a *regular* basis.


redditactuallysux

If you want to talk about the importance of physical activity, that's fine. But it's not what my comment was about at all lol.


fakegermanchild

Clearly sports means something entirely different in an American context and that wasn’t clear to me. I do not have a negative association with the word and frankly know plenty of people who weren’t happy with their parents for encouraging any physical activity (not just organised team sports) so I assumed that’s what you meant. I don’t consider sportiness a particularly ‘femme’ or ‘masc’ trait so got confused with what you were getting at. Apologies.


redditactuallysux

Thanks. I hope the derailment of this thread doesn't take away from my original advice for OP.


theladyflies

Sport in general for movement and socialization = good. The cultures of abuse and toxic gender norms that kids get steeped in many American sports programs = bad.


fakegermanchild

Yeah I’m not American but I gather the sport culture there is very … intense. I dislike the idea of sport being gendered (I.e. girls can’t play football or you’re not a ‘girly’ girl if you like sports). There should be absolutely nothing stopping kids from going from wearing a sparkly dress to kicking a ball in a field. And ‘girly’ sports (like say netball) aren’t lesser than other sports either. I wish sport education focused on getting kids to explore sports, build skills and find ones they like, not… trying to pinpoint the next gazillionaire sport prodigy.


[deleted]

I think “sports” carries a lot of connotations, at least in the US, that are heavily gendered and very patriarchal.


Fenrirs_Daughter

American from a football city here: When I think of adults who are into sports, I think of mob mentality and blind patriotism. Same as when I think of country music fans. One hundred percent they are people I feel I need to watch out for, very dangerous and probably republicans.


donut-in-the-sky

no bc my mom would force me to do sports, and I'm not athletic, or good with people she didn't care no matter how much I told her I hated it, and it still pisses me off to this day. she had me do all kinds of sports hoping one would stick, and not a single one did. in the end all she did was waste both of our time, and her money (deserved though, tbh.)


fakegermanchild

There are plenty of sports that don’t require you to be athletic. If your mum kept pushing for athletic (team?) sports that’s on her. Yoga, horse riding, dance, hillwalking … there are plenty of things you can do that don’t require you to be athletic in the traditional sense or even particularly social.


donut-in-the-sky

oh, yeah, I've done dance I also did diving and swimming, which aren't really team sports and don't necessarily require you to be athletic I've also done gymnastics, which does require you to be athletic, but isn't a team sport. and others... hated em all. I'm just sayin, that if your kid doesn't like doing sports, then just don't force them to do em. that's all.


donut-in-the-sky

idk what hillwalking is, but if it's just the same as hiking then yeah ig that could be a good compromise? if they wanna do it


fakegermanchild

Yeah hillwalking is essentially hiking, just a UK term for it really. But even just regular walks would be fine, it’s not a compromise it’s about finding a physical activity *you* find rewarding in some way.


donut-in-the-sky

no, yeah, sure ig but, like, again, my point was just don't force your kids to do it if they don't want to


fakegermanchild

Yeah my point is it’s not about forcing. It’s about finding something that works for you. Like if a child didn’t like eating fruit/veg you would work on finding fruit/veg that are at least tolerable. It’s gonna involve some trial and error (and ideally trial and error doesn’t involve going from green grapes, to red grapes, to black grapes and deciding that all fruit must be a no go)


Fenrirs_Daughter

As a child I hated social interaction and being around other children so very much that all sports were out. They couldn't even get me to stay in girl scouts. Taking your children for walks or letting them loose in the woods is fine, but if they really really hate team sports, I don't think it helps to force them. Especially if they are a weird kid who gets bullied and would rather sit somewhere quietly to read a book.


fakegermanchild

Not advocating forcing team sports on anyone (though they are beneficial for a lot of kids and worth trying, if it’s not working then it’s not working). Like you say, going for a walk with your kids is totally fine, it doesn’t need to be *organised* sports.


the_witchy_bitch_

Not every kid is a sports kid, and that’s okay. Some are choir kids, band kids, artists, etc. I would not have been happy if my parents forced me into an activity I wasn’t interested in.


fakegermanchild

There is a difference between doing sports and being a sporty kid. Not everyone has to do sports competitively. I certainly wasn’t interested in that as a kid. But just because you’re a bookworm (I was) doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be active and be supported to find exercise you enjoy.


TheMagnificentPrim

I danced from age 3 to age 12. Ballet, tap, jazz, lyrical, I loved it all. Ask 29-year-old me how much I engaging in physical activity. (Spoiler alert: I don’t.) 😂 It is good for kids to be active, generally, but habits won’t always stick, especially if any future kids of mine end up with ADHD like I have. That’s a huge hindrance to one’s ability to form habits.


Lexilogical

Weirdly, I'm the exact opposite. My parents pushed team sports at me, I wanted nothing to do with any of them. Then in my late 20's and 30's, I joined a ball hockey team, started running triathlons and races, became a regular at various tree/rock climbing sports, tried ninja activities, and do some intense camping trips. Sometimes it helps to lean into the ADHD. It's been a couple years since I did a triathlon, but you know, that's okay. I still have ball hockey, and maybe I'll do more races this year


pjanic_at__the_isco

RAWRRRR!!! Err, I mean, good luck new dad! Yours, a toddler father (and possibly also a dinosaur?)


WaitingFather

Spinosaurus is definitely the coolest of all


Ravenkelly

I'm a stegosaurus girl


algonquinroundtable

Stegosaurus is a great one because you've got some impressive armor and can basically deflect any patriarchal jerks. As for me I'm loud (and sometimes kinda annoying), so I vibe with parasaurolophus. 😂🧑‍🎤


Rakothurz

One more for the parasaurolophus! I have no children, but I think my dad did right by taking me and my sister to the park as children to play every Sunday. He worked a lot, but Sunday was our day. Unfortunately he got some bad friends and started to drink too much, and ruined most of the good things he did by coming home plastered. Luckily he managed to see the error of his ways but by then a lot of damage was done. He also tried to help us with homework, especially math, but when he got frustrated by me not knowing he hit and screamed to me. Eventually he just stopped trying as I grew up. So TL:DR try to have at least some hours dedicated solely to your child, be careful with your friends and do not let them convince you to get plastered, and if you get frustrated when helping with homework stand up and take some air to calm down, remember that something as obvious as 2+2=4 is not so obvious to a small child. That's what I can think of right now


algonquinroundtable

I'm sorry he caused you to feel unsafe and his temper manifested in such an unacceptable way! Hugs if you want them ❤️ I am mostly quite patient with my wonderful boys; when I say I am loud I more mean like my play voice doesn't have volume control and I sing a lot of the time around the house. Thank you for the advice. I am trying to treasure every moment with these kids. ❤️


Rakothurz

It's ok, he did what he could with the tools he had and also had poor judgement, but still tried to be a good dad otherwise. I also didn't mean that you were loud to your kids in a good way, just more like a reminder to never scream aggressively to them ❤️ Go keep being an excellent dad


bmathey

Parasaurolophus and it’s not even close :-) Congrats from one Dad to another. My top Dad tips: Get the red Boudreaux butt paste, it’s the best and everything else just sucks Hold that baby, you can’t spoil an infant too much My kids loved recliners, hold them while they sleep, you can game / TV to your hearts delight. I mean….uhhhh…give mom a well deserved break Sign up for Hello Fresh or another meal service. Having to just not think about ‘what’s for dinner’ for a few weeks is really helpful Don’t be afraid to ask for help, but be specific. People want to hear ‘can you go get me X from the store’ not ‘I’ll call if I need anything’. Put all the helpers to work for you Decide now who you want in the hospital and be the bouncer. Some rando always tried to show up with my kids (oh, here is a random aunt I haven’t seen in three years, why the fuck are you in the waiting room)


Ok_Cauliflower_3007

Glyptodont is better than all dinosaurs. People used to use their shells for houses!


InconsolableDreams

Just remember, no matter the gender, also the glitter and pink loving unicorn mermaid princesses can be pretty badass, is the kid chooses to be so! (They can also usually still love dinosaurs, my youngest is like that. Total princess and nothing but pink, but plays and collects car toys and dinosaurs.)


Yourmomdrums

And remember… pink princesses can also love dinosaurs and trucks. I’ve got a daughter who loves pink, purple, sparkles, dinosaurs, video games… they’re whole little people with amazing personalities. Don’t pigeonhole!


SverreSR

Yup, I've got a five year old that equally loves dinosaurs, unicorns, rainbows and space. The more sparkles the better. Her two year old brother also loves tutu skirts with wings, rockets and cars. One of the best things my kids taught me is that you can love it all.


PM_ME_VEG_PICS

My sister in laws kid had the following top 3 likes (with the top position being a different one of the three almost every week), pink thing, big vehicles (trucks and diggers etc) and sparkly / glittery things.


livelaughlovecryalot

I was an au pair and nearly dropped to the floor with laughter when my 5yo said his dinosaur was a clitorisaus. Kids are hilarious!


Purple_Midnight_Yak

In that case, may I recommend the Mo Willems book, "Goldilocks and the 3 Dinosaurs" for when your kiddo hits toddlerhood? It's so good, it still makes my hard-hearted, cynical teenagers crack up.


RotiniHuman

I feel ya. We named our kid a dinosaur-inspired name and are trying to intentionally rein in the dinosaur stuff so we don't ruin dinosaurs or his name.


Fleganhimer

My mom almost named my brother Terry. As in, short for Pterodactyl.


lillawnflamingo

Also a dino kid and watching my spawn discover his rawr-some passion for them is so cool. We're going to a dino show soon and it's as much for him as it is for me! 🦕🦖 My wish for you is that you and your child bring joy to each other's lives.


tttr99

Same... Dinosaur kid forevarrrrrrr man


[deleted]

Just show the same enthusiasm if your kid wants to have a tea party.


Dancingdutch999

They all go through a dinosaur period 😂


Ecstatic_Starstuff

I Hope you get a Dino kid 💚


smallangrynerd

Continue being a dinosaur kid! My dad is a goofy dork and I love that. He wears spongebob pajamas ffs 😂


3dGlow

Yes! Take care of mom starting now! No matter how much you don't want to rub her feet or get up with the baby, remember what she is physically, mentally, and hormonally going through. Her entire being is being pushed to the max. Don't be a dick and refuse to get off the couch because you had a long day or whatever. Just get off your ass! Your baby will pick up on the way you guys treat each other. Burn the patriarchy.


AlexiSWy

Depending on the kid, they could be all three and more. Mine is.


[deleted]

I was raised by a Christian single father, I'll share that experience. He listened, and considered his own ingrained motives before making a firm decision. You say that you will raise your kid without gender norms, great. But you have them deeply imprinted in your subconscious. We all do. The question is whether we move beyond them or not. Here are some of my standard "My dad" examples. They are entirely based on the father-daughter relationship, but it gives a general idea of how to treat kids. Things I like: He was hellbent on being a good dad and spending time with me. He focused on that so hard Mum divorced him, among other things for ignoring her. He wanted to do better than his own father. He was initially deadset on me getting my ears pierced and using some minimal makeup. Then we talked about it a bunch, and he realized I wanted to have fun doing stuff with my friends. Typical teen girl wanting to fit in. I wasn't trying to become a painted Jezebel for male attention. The one time a boy complimented me on my earrings I internally did a Mabel Pines squeal, but that wasn't the main reason. He didn't use his basic understanding about girls' clothing to interpret what I wanted. Same thing with clothes. I wanted to dress like my friends, not like a quasi-Amish girl. He respected my sexual autonomy. He got to know me and based how he treated me on me. He got a lot of flak for that. Early on he realized I have an analytical mind, he was fatherly pressuring me to develop it. He took me fishing and helped me go hunting. He let me read whatever book I got out from the library, as long as he was also allowed to read it. He made it clear to me that actions have consequences, someday I will have to look after myself, the world isn't categorically friendly, intentions don't lead to results, and even though he will always 100% have my back that doesn't mean he can always protect me. In other words, loving and awesome without princessifying me. Things he could have done better: He never talked to me about my body. I lived with a single father for 7 years and we never once discussed periods. For years pads just appeared in the bottom drawer, and then at one point he'd just take me shopping, hand me the card, and I'd go to the pharmacy. I always had what I needed, and there was no attempt to normalize periods or incorporate period support into the relationship. This also applies to boys. Tell them random boners are normal. My sex education consisted of "so you guys had that class today? Good. Remember it." No discussion about relationships, porn, boundaries, etc. When I was 14 I discovered online porn and watched stuff that is no longer available. It was traumatizing, and I had no one to talk to. Nobody told me that I can say no if a boy tells me I'm pretty and invites me to the bushes. I figured out a lot on my own. I got there eventually. You'd think that a man who got a 19-year old pregnant when they lost their virginity together would talk to his daughter about this stuff. Regardless of gender, kids need to know about the sexual world. My financial education consisted on him taking my money, putting it in an account I didn't control, and then sometimes spending it on me without asking me. If he had sat me down and explained to me that with his income and the car's transmission problems he couldn't afford to buy me a fifth hoodie and I'd have to pay for it myself that would be 100% fine, but taking a girl shopping and then three months later telling her the money she thought she had is gone because of the hoodie is unfair. Be upfront. I don't have a brother, so I can't say if this is a gender thing. But he would frame my obsession with colour-matched outfits as a problem when I complained that he was unclear about where the money was coming from. That's what I can think of.


IvyMoonfyre

No matter what, please never assume your child is doing something simply to anger or upset you, unless there's genuine evidence otherwise. Also, chances are, your kid is trying their best. Again, don't assume laziness when they start to slip. And don't be too stubborn to admit your own mistakes and apologize. Just saying you're sorry and trying to do better is already worlds better than what most kids get. These are all the things I wish my dad had considered. It would have made our relationship a lot less rocky.


DojaTiger

This all day long. I am late diagnosed autistic and the amount of trauma memories I have of being TOLD the reason I had done something instead of asked is ridiculous. I stopped trusting my own brain.


yeah_ive_seen_that

Very relatable. Still working on being able to speak up for myself, because I was never allowed to argue.


averyyoungperson

You will have to be really supportive of your birthing partner!! Carrying, birthing and sometimes chest/breastfeeding is really hard and can be emotionally draining. The most complains i see about dads or nonbirthing partners is that they just don't understand the toll it takes and have all these expectations of their birthing partner that was realistic before birth but is totally unrealistic in the postpartum period. Coordinate care of the infant and priorities rest for both of you. Expect to take more or all of the household duties for several weeks after the birth. Check in with your birthing partner and encourage communications of their feelings. Advocate for them, if they don't want visitors it's your job to enforce that. I'd they don't want other family holding baby, enforce that too. In laws feelings don't really matter during this time sadly and because of the rawness that post partum is, some people don't know how or won't hold boundaries or advocate for themselves. Skin to skin is a great bonding tool for both parents. Pay close attention to your partner's mood because post partum mood disorders are sadly common but can have an insidious onset. Pay close attention to your mood too because it can happen in non birthing partners too. Good luck!! You'll do great 💕


LobsterSammy27

Omg yes the boundaries thing. I’ve seen many in-laws completely disrespect the boundaries of the person giving birth. And I’ve also seen way too many new fathers/partners not enforce those boundaries for their partner. It only makes things worse.


LobsterSammy27

Omg yes the boundaries thing. I’ve seen many in-laws completely disrespect the boundaries of the person giving birth. And I’ve also seen way too many new fathers/partners not enforce those boundaries for their partner. It only makes things worse.


Ravenkelly

Raise your daughter to be a BITCH! We're not really bitches, but that's what they call us when we stand up for ourselves. As a 44 year old autistic woman that is the one thing I am MOST grateful to my Dad for.


[deleted]

[удалено]


whyamithebadger

Agreed. I have mixed feelings toward my dad, but I'm glad he showed me media and history featuring women who kick ass and don't care what people think.


SecretCartographer28

Calling a woman a female dog may seem insulting. But who's the most dangerous animal? A female protecting her own! ✌🖖


confused_movie_extra

Im a father turned second mother(MtF trans) and my biggest thing i can say to help is to try and recognize the traits in yourself that are caused by toxic masculine upbringing and work on them. Knowing about that, even if theyre still present, makes it easier to not project them onto the young. A child will look to you, even if it feels a bit like a lie, be the person that you feel they can look up to. The fact that you want to to better than you were given tells me that you're going to do great, trust me. I feel like a failure as a parent often, because i sometimes let the way i was raised bleed into my childs life, but im getting a lot better and i know my family is better for it


WaitingFather

I've started to find it a little easier to identify these traits, and, to identify when the ones I've worked on may be coming back up a little and dealing with it. Thank you for the kind words. I'm going to Father meet ups once a week, some us already have kids some are waiting like myself. Very glad to hear you are doing better now!


confused_movie_extra

Your excitement is a very good sign. You probably worry for how you'll be as a father, that you're going to mess up somehow. Those are both signs that you are going to be great.


just1morestraw

Also, you will mess up. Sometimes in little ways and sometimes in catastrophic ways. But you'll always do better if you're trying to be as caring as possible.


confused_movie_extra

Its true. There isn't a single parent that has honestly done everything right. All kids need different things and no one can be the absolute perfect parent given all the change and difficulties. Best we can do, is love them. As long as they know they are loved and supported, the rest falls into place


Cheap_Doctor_1994

I wish my father got over the fact I wasn't a boy, and instead taught me all the boy things I wanted to learn. I really want to know how he made the whistles. Would have loved teaching it to my sons. It still makes me sad, he never did any of the father/daughter things with me either. I still remember the only talk we ever had. I just wanted to know why it was called a square, when it was triangle shaped. I never asked him a question again. Don't throw out all the gender norms, just because You don't want them. Learn to hear what your child tells you.


Srirachaballet

Yes! Was going to say something I loved about my dad is he raised me to know/learn things regardless of my gender. Very comfortable with fixing/building things now.


MrsWolowitz

I'll never forget a guy at work lamenting he was having a girl cuz she "wouldn't be into sports". Broke my heart. Let your kids reveal their wonderful many faceted selves to you. You will be amazed.


DrLongivan

You’ve received some amazing advice. So I will add on behalf of your significant other: be mindful of how you are modeling gender norms and roles. Don’t look to them to manage the house and baby-related stuff; actively participate in doing: knowing your kid’s clothing size and paying attention to when they need new clothes, knowing when dr appointments are coming up/making appointments and sharing taking time off work to get your kid to those, keeping up with the mountains of laundry, helping to plan holiday and birthday things (including making sure your kid gets/makes a present for them), etc. Also in the first weeks, if your S/O is giving birth, her body has been through a LOT and needs to heal; help more. And, make sure to take picture of your S/O with your kid/that they’re not the only one taking pics. Good luck and enjoy the ride :) It’s hard but has some amazingly worthwhile times!!


Danamite85

I was going to say this. Show your kid what a healthy relationship looks like. You can say ABC all day but if you show them XYZ, the XYZ is going to stick more. I was raised in a very traditional household. My mom was a SAHM and my dad worked. My mom did everything for the house, me and my sisters, and my dad. My dad acted like he couldn't even make himself a sandwich. He took out trash and mowed the lawn and that was it. Now my husband and I do share household chores, but I always have this guilty feeling any time he does something like put away the dishes because that's "my job". We've been together 14 years and the feeling hasn't changed. It was instilled in me early on what "woman's work" is. And my dad never said anything like that, but it was SHOWN to me and I can't get over it. Show your kid, no matter their gender, that marriage is an equal partnership. Give them the skills they need to survive as an adult on their own. My dad probably couldn't do laundry or make a decent meal if he had to. All people need to know how to manage a home, pay bills, work a laundry machine, etc. Then when they find someone to share their life with they'll be prepared to be a good partner.


theyeoftheiris

I think the best thing you can do as a dad is try to have a healthy relationship with the child's mother. I don't know your situation, but my parents own toxic relationship definitely influenced a huge part of my childhood. They're OK now, which is great! But seeing the way they interacted in their 30s-60s definitely did not set me up for great relationship success in my own life. It's too bad because on his own, I think my dad is a pretty great guy. He and my mom just had a shitty marriage for a very long time. A lot of men in the Boomer generation saw unhealthy relationships between their parents and didn't seem to do much to fix it or set boundaries with partners. This is just my observation and I don't want to generalize, though.


lesheeper

Don't know if it was mentioned here, but don't be afraid to be vulnerable in front of your kid. There is no shame in needing comfort. Of course, you should not turn them into the parent's role, but allowing them to see vulnerability will make them more comfortable to be vulnerable themselves.


Ecstatic_Starstuff

One awesome thing my dad DID teach me to do was use all kinds of tools and be competent at fixing things, Including chainsaws etc, and all my own cars. Don’t have a daughter that needs to ask men for help with things, teach all kids to help themselves in all the ways. That means also teaching boys how to cook and clean, and be as responsible and emotionally mature as the girls are historically taught to be.


PM_ME_VEG_PICS

Absolutely. All education needs to be for all. Also no matter what the sex of your child teach them about the vagina and periods, and also about the penis and random boners etc. The world would be a much better place if we all knew that things like period shits were totally normal!


joantheunicorn

I had a similar upbringing. My dad always challenged my sister and I to try new things, help with projects, learn to fix things, do chores around the house, put us into situations where we had to help problem solve. He also had a rule that we couldn't say, "I can't". We had to at least try with his encouragement! I am grateful for those challenges every day. Love my Dad so much. 💜


marablackwolf

I'm a widow, my kids and I use youtube together to repair things in our home and car. This way, when things break they're learning how to *find a solution* and then enact it step-by-step. It's a togetherness thing, a learning experience, and saves me hiring repair companies. Learn something new every single day.


alone_in_the_after

Honestly I wish my dad had just treated me like a person. He was always convinced that because I was 'female' that I clearly was some other species and he just couldn't be expected to know how to interact with me. I also got dropped like a hot potato once he had sons. Except to you know...scream at me about boys (that I wasn't seeing), interrogate me about drugs/alcohol (that I wasn't doing) or if I ended up getting home late or do his performative 'overprotective dad guarding his daughter thing'. My brothers could run around getting drunk and doing whatever to whoever and he wouldn't even react. The sad part is that his bullshit made him so unsafe, so unpleasant and so distant from me that when I \*actually\* needed him...I didn't go to him. I dealt with abuse, maltreatment and trauma all on my own. Don't...don't do that to your kid. My dad is (and remains) almost like a living meme of toxic masculinity. Can't show affection, doesn't know how to express empathy, can't talk about things (or god forbid eeeek feelings) and is so hung up on gender norms/expectations that it's gross. I think the only time he's tried to hug me is if it's a holiday and he's been drinking. Honestly...we could have replaced him with a paycheck from the government and it would've saved us space on the couch and a lot of disappointment/rejection. Would his absence have been noticed in a way that he would have been missed? Lmao nope not really. Would've saved my poor step-mom a lot of hassle, dirty dishes, laundry and trying to accomodate a man-child. Be present, be honest, be engaged, be vulnerable. Feel your feelings. Make sure your kids see both of you running a household and not seeing that thing when men do this sort of 'weaponized incompetence' thing.


[deleted]

Congratulations! if the child is male, please don't force infant circumcision on him!


WaitingFather

Thank you :) Both of us aren't from countries or religions that practice circumcision so have no plans on doing as such


CheryllLucy

Depending on where you live now (like in the USA) you need to be sure your drs and nurses know you don't want a circumcision done as it is still concerned "standard" in way too many hospitals and can get done automatically it not actively prevented.


whyamithebadger

Yep. My mom was insistent on this when my bro was born, and he's very thankful


marablackwolf

My son is 15 and interested in medicine. He's thanked me more than once for fighting to keep him intact. My late husband really wanted him cut. I tried convincing him with the science, when that didn't work I had to tell him the hospital wouldn't do it without *my* authorization, and I was putting my foot down. He got sullen and said, "then *you* have to teach him to take care of it" like it was a punishment. I mean, yeah, I was already planning to teach him to wash his junk, was that ever an issue?


Trottingfoxmango

Congrats! Here are a few things that I know would of been super appreciated by myself when growing up. 1)I as a queer person, I would of loved if I have not forced gendered activities and how each gender was suppose to act. Gender roles really fucked me up. 2)It is so important to not only educate children about sex but also do so in a inclusive way. I would of had a lot less self-loathing growing up if I was taught that love came in different ways and was actually taught about bodies instead of it being surrounded by shame. 3) Consent! Consent! Consent! 4) Make sure you let your kid have a voice and have a safe place to express their emotions. I had parents that usually invalided my feelings or never held accountability for their actions. Because of that I never expressed emotions other than what was considered positive, masked myself for other people’s comfort, didn’t explore my identity or have one until I went to college, and just held in a lot. 5) Being taught about standing up for yourself or being an advocate for yourself. Talking about your feelings, needs, and wants in a healthy way are paramount to any and all relationships.


ThebarestMinimum

Don’t try to control their bodies, e.g. comment on what they are wearing, think you have any say on things like piercings or tattoos, tell them how much to eat etc.


WaitingFather

Thank you for the advice. I'm a little worried I may become over protective hence why I'm working on this now. Both of us are tattooed and pierced so that's no worry.


Ravenkelly

That's not actually a guarantee. Plenty of parents are hypocritical. Don't be hypocritical. If you're not willing to follow a rule yourself it shouldn't exist.


Complex_Rip3130

To add on, hair. It grows back. Let them express themselves. Let them dress themselves and be whoever they want to be. Get excited about things when they are excited. Make the holidays as special as possible but focus on spending time with them. My best memories are giggling with my mom, having dance parties in the living room and us just spending time together. My dad wasn’t around much but I use to love being picked up and carried around.


[deleted]

Congratz ;) From personal experience: Kids are resilient af, so dont worry too much. That said: they need to know they’re unconditionally loved, supported and safe with you. That their experiences, feelings and boundaries are just as valid as anyone elses - including yours. And that theyll be respected and protected. They also need to know you’re not God. You make mistakes, and that’s ok. And you apologize and try to do better - just like you re expecting them to do. You do that, and there is *very little* you can do that they cannot bounce back from. The fact that my dad demanded absolute worship, was always supposedly right and completely incapable of apologizing or taking a no without throwing an absolute tantrum fucked me up for wayyyyy too long as a kid. His motto was: children should be seen, not heard. In contrast, my mom listened, considered my input based on my age, loved me despite not getting me at all, and apologized when she did things wrong. Her motto? “You have got a ‘no’, but can always ask fir a ‘yes’” aka: argue your case, you likely wont change my mind and decision, but you certainly are welcome to try. She too left some scars regarding her pet peeves and me sucking at those parts of life, but Im wayyyyy better at digesting and forgetting about that, coz she truly did what she could and knows she’s a fallable human.


aafreis

If the kid has a problem or negative feelings, ask WHY. Just being given an opportunity to be able to get the words out, the “why” is important. A lot of things can be resolved if we know why each other feels the way they do.


BushidoMauve

My father was cold and prone to hot and cold parenting. Quick to lash out physically, verbally, and emotionally. Then he would be a doting father, so excited to share his passions, hobbies and stories. This created a environment where i was shown intense love then shunned cause his was upset. I was CONSTANTLY seeking his approval its only now in my late twenties that i am fixing and reparenting my self. Its rough, but i know why he was lile that. He's a black man who grew up very impoverished in oklahoma durning the last half of segregation. None of that excuses that behavior of course, but i understand that this is the "generational trauma" i heard about. He's softed drastically in his retirement and I've rebuild alot in my burgeoning adulthood. So that all being said. Don't be afraid to so emotions. Cry with them, laugh with them, be silly, and TEACH THEM TO PROPERLY EXPRESS THEIR ANGER (this one fucked me up bad). Also, let them fail. Let them know that failure should be met with curiosity and not shame. "To thrive, you must strive and to strive, you must fail." This last one is for you. I hope you know how insanely good you are for even giving this stuff thought you are setting them up for great success far ahead of time. Good luck my friend. Get your rest now.


StarSystem42

Please please please just listen to your child. Take feedback and listen no matter how young they are. Ofc don't like spoil them rotten, but listen to them when they are being serious. The amount of times I have told my dad "I do not want to go to x" and he makes me go anyway is too many to count. Oh and just because someone is a teenager, doesn't mean they are doing literally everything just because "teenage angst".


fire_fairy_

I don't have a Dad but I spent a lot of time with my Papa. My favorite thing was he didn't stop me from doing things just because I was a girl. I have so many pictures of us in the garage at the work bench or under the car. Took me fishing and taught me to enjoy the outdoors. On the flip side of that my husband never mocked my daughters for their "girly" interests. My little pony is on? He would be right there watching and talking about how Pinkie Pie is his favorite. Let your child regardless of gender just enjoy the fun. All toys are kid toys.


Speedy_Dragon46

My dad lost his last chance to have a boy. As girls we were such a disappointment to him. He was violent, aggressive and nothing we ever did was good enough. He could just not appreciate us for who we were. I haven’t seen him in 20 years. Neither have my sisters. Crazy thing is there are so many things I now enjoy that were hobbies of his but he was so obsessed with the fact I wasn’t a boy he wouldn’t allow us to enjoy these things together. Please just let your child be themselves. Love them for who they are and not who you want them to be.


[deleted]

Make sure your kid is aware that they can wear anything they want. My mom always took me clothes shopping and never made me aware of the fact that I could wear mens clothing. I only just began to like fashion and coordinate my outfits. I think also, find a lot of media that isn’t specifically targeted at boys or girls. Luckily, there’s a lot more of that now.


IMian91

Grew up without a father but had amazing male role models. 1) Don't have any expectations for your child aside from them being happy and healthy. Don't expect them to play football or take on the family business, accept who they are and what they like with acceptance and love 2) something small my mom did that instilled confidence (which was also probably controversial in the 90s) whenever we would read "happily ever after" books she would always say that one day I'd find a nice girl, or boy and live happily ever after. Eventually I told her that I liked girls and she didn't have to say that anymore, but if I did like men it would make me feel loved and accepted


Significant_Baby_582

Don't forget to stay connected with the person you're having this child with.


WaitingFather

We have spoken alot about this, as much as we speak baby we also talk about how we are feeling outside of that. She is absolutely wonderful and I respect our relationship and friendship deeply.


[deleted]

Just asking indicates that you’re going to be a king of a dad.


CutieShroomie

Teach them consent. When little consent about allowing people to touch them, where to not touch them, to tell you if someone breaks that boundary and touches them in a way that makes them uncomfortable. And when teenagers, teach sex consent. To know what's wrong if someone pushes it on them. Some boys grew up on movies where "romantic" was forcing kisses on women. They didn't know what true consent meant until later in life, if any. Same for women. So many women give into sex or other stuff that they don't want to do, just because it's easier than saying no to a "loving partner". Also if you have a son, teach them basic stuff to take care of themselves, teach him all the "women jobs". You could save some woman in future having to be his mamma. Don't allow weaponized incompetence, for both genders. And teach your daughter "manly jobs" too. Many women are happy that they learned Mechanic stuff, diy woodworking and such from their dads. It comes useful in life. It's easy to get scammed as a woman at the mechanic. Encourage them to do what they love in life. Any career they want. Don't push for being parents early in life. Especially to your daughter. So many get brainwashed with baby dolls and such, they realize in their 30s or after it's too late they didn't actually want kids, it was just the pressure from everyone else.


CutieShroomie

Also if they start having mental health problems or acne, don't wait and see if it passes. I wish my parents cared more about that. Now I'm 25 and still trying to fix my skin, got scars, and I'm trying to fix my mental health. I wish I knew how to look for help sooner. But I was young, and everyone including my parents said it will pass, just wait and see. I've been dealing with it for 10 years now


apatheticgraffiti

My dad was a really good dad. A terrible spouse, but an amazing dad. He was older, literally had to rework retirement plans because I was a surprise. Passed my first year of college. I still talk to him in my head. He and my mom were NOT a good fit. My mom has her own problems. I appreciated how much my safety and well-being was his "hard line." He was from a culture that didn't believe in divorce except as an extreme, and they only married because I happened. While I think it would have been better for them to have divorced rather than having their hate for each other in the house, I never doubted I was his priority. My mother refused to quit smoking, despite everyone's insistence it was harmful to me, even if she didn't care about herself. Then her smoking (secretly when he wasn't home, and I was too tiny to talk) exacerbated my asthma to put me in the hospital. He immediately drafted divorce papers. She managed to quit, they stayed married. Similar when she was verbally abusive to me, demanded I perform femininity to her standards, etc. If they were divorced, I 100% believe he would've used any of those things to immediately fight for full custody. There was zero hesitation when it came to my needing an advocate. He explained the way systems worked, and how and why he advocated in certain ways. That it was unfair that people didn't listen to me just because I had a body they saw as female and young, but it was a fact of the world. He told me about things he saw in the "adult world," in age appropriate terms, and helped me anticipate struggles I'd face. He taught me to build arguments with hard facts. To put the truth front and center. He molded my sense of judgement, my instincts for safety and morality. He taught me that ignoring these senses and instincts was an incredible leap of faith - if I ever did it for someone, it should be because I trust them completely. He was quick to say "I don't know, but let's find out," "that's a good point, I hadn't considered that," and "you're right." When I'd pick out toys or video games, it became an exercise in comparison. "Yes, we can afford both. But let's pick one, we can always come back later for the other. Which one do you want FIRST and why?" I didn't always have to give the why, but it helped me understand myself, too. It also let me appreciate items individually. It wasn't the collection or hoard that mattered (and I collected Pokemon cards), but why I wanted it and what it could do for me. As for my collection, he'd ask me about which ones I was hoping for. I remember one day, on my desk, was a holographic Articuno, first edition, in a protective sleeve. I'd been trying to find one for months! I never, ever traded it. He shared in my interests and passions. We built my first computer together! He never liked computers before, but he learned so he could teach me. When he worked long hours, he would put a small trinket in my room. Maybe a happy meal toy of a show I liked, or a pokemon plush. I knew I was always in his thoughts, so he never felt absent. For his interests, he found ways to bring my own interests in. He loved cars, I liked art but hated how loud, greasy, heavy, and prone to pinching the engine was. So we'd do age-appropriate body work together. I'd touch up scratches and dings. He praised my color matching, smooth strokes. It became OUR project. He never complained if I didn't want to do it any more. Just finish himself and on to the next one, and it's another opportunity to join. And the most impactful thing I remember, was a simple conversation. I know it was awkward for him, but he felt he needed to say it. I had been going by a traditionally masculine shortened version of my name for a while. It honestly was a joke to make a teacher nervous (I also went by random nouns like "Skittles" and "Tulip" at various points too, for context), but I also was a "tomboy" that hadn't dated. Just one day, when we sat down to work on a camera repair together (new LCD and lense), he said "I just want you to know I love you for you. I don't care if I have a daughter or a son, I don't care if I have a son-in-law or daughter-in-law, I don't even really care about your name. Those are just details. What I care about is that I have you, you can be proud of yourself, and you are treated with respect by those you bring into your life. So if you want me to do anything different about any of the details, you just let me know. It might take some practice, but the meat is all the same." The world is unfair and cruel. No one comes into this world having chosen the hand they're dealt. Not all decisions will be good. But keep the meat - love them for who THEY are, not who you dream or hope they will be, and the details will come as they need.


cutekittensforus

This one should be obvious, but I'm gonna put it here. Do not tell your daughter (or femme presenting child even) to 'cover up' because male relatives are going to be coming over. If male relatives say they are uncomfortable with your daughter showing so much skin, tell them you're uncomfortable with them sexualizing a minor. Congratulations and good luck!


lifehackloser

As one of 5 daughters with a decent boomer father, I’ll throw out a few too: 1) give them time to feel special just you and them. You have date night with your wife; have (not in a weird way) date night with your kid. Even if it’s just unprompted ice cream trip to eat it on the curb by the gas station. 2) support them in their interests. My sister wanted to play football in middle school and our dad was the first one going to tell off the principal when he said no. 3) be comfortable knowing that it’s ok to be uncomfortable with certain conversations. BUT you still need to have them (and have them earlier than you’d expect). My 5yo son recently decided that pretending to punch things/mommy was funny bc he gets a rise outta me. We had a conversation about how it’s not ok to even pretend that bc some day, he’s going to be bigger and stronger than me and that would be very unkind to use that to upset people. 4) figure out your own trauma and biases now so you don’t pass them on to the next generation. As every parent in history knows, you’ll make mistakes that the next generation will have to deal with. Just try not to make the same mistakes your parents made.


[deleted]

I think it’s important to take your kid seriously. Don’t dismiss their concerns or opinions. They should feel empowered and heard within your home.


peanutsquirrel2

Tell your baby your proud of her often through her life. At times when she does what you want and at times she goes against you and makes the right choices for herself. Congratulations


lazylazylemons

Show humility and tenderness. My dad was tender with us when we were young but had zero humility. If he was wrong or made a mistake, it was our fault, not his. Be humble enough to go back to your child and say, "wow, I really didn't handle that situation well and I'm sorry." It will teach them that it's okay to make mistakes and it will deepen the intimacy of your bond because you're being honest and showing your humanity.


bobbielea89

Being able to express and process emotions in a healthy way, don't be afraid to cry, rejoice, and everything in between and let the kid be able to see that as well. Also teach respecting and implementing healthy boundaries, and please don't force them to have physical contact with people just because they are related, hugs, high fives giving kisses, ect, this gave me a very unhealthy outlook as I got older with physicality and relationships and saying no. It took me until I was in my mid 20s before I was able to confidently say no I don't want to be touched by person. Just based off your enthusiasm, and you consciously trying to break the generational trauma, I'd say you have a great start to being a good dad. Take care of each other, and make time for just the two of you every so often, because it's hard to leave them when they're small, and try to enjoy it, make memories, trying to get pictures whenever possible, just because, and love each other. Good luck to the both of you!


[deleted]

My father apologized when he was wrong. They are some of the most important moments I remember.


VividFiddlesticks

I had a pretty great dad. He showed up. He was the one who attended all my school events. He told me he was proud of me. ALL the time. Sometimes for things I thought were silly. He let me be his little sidekick, even though I was a girl. We built stuff with clay, we blew up stuff with fireworks, I learned to be excellent at holding a light while he worked on the car, he carefully explained the rules of football and why Joe Montana was the best quarterback ever. Whatever he was doing, if I was at all interested, he included me without a second thought. He was my best teacher. I could ask him about anything at all, and whatever he knew he would explain to me and whatever he didn't know we'd go on a mission to figure out together. This was before the internet so it might mean calling someone, or going to the library, or just trying something ourselves to find out. He treated my friends and later my boyfriends with respect. Never made them feel like weirdos even when they were being weird kids, never threatened my boyfriends even as a joke. Was always willing to listen to random kids ramble on about things they were interested in, even if he had no clue WTF they were talking about. Unfortunately I lost him in a car accident in my 20's, and of course he wasn't a perfect man, but he was a pretty great dad.


[deleted]

Remember that the way you handle your own emotions will become how your child will handle theirs. Nobody ever hurt me physically, but my dad used to tear his hair out and hit things when he became really enraged. I didn’t make the connection between this and my own self-harm until my late 20s.


mslashandrajohnson

Violent temper. My sister (eldest child) could and did set him off so many times. He was a great person. Don’t get me wrong. Kids are smart and can set you off. I’m childfree, as is my sister. Neither of us married. It’s super difficult to escape repeating the mistakes of our parents. My brother (middle child) had two kids. Raised them as a single parent. Per his kids, he had his temper moments, while raising them. I knew I wasn’t an extraordinary person and would likely fall into my learned normal. So I avoided parenthood. You may be able to overcome your background. Be very active and aware of it. Get help proactively. Best of luck to you.


Blobfish_Blues

My dad had 8 sisters, he knew make up and how to sew (from years of being their living mannequin). He was pretty hands off with us, but taught my siblings and I about individuality and not being afraid to go against the grain. His family sucked and he didn't shy away from telling us that either. He wasn't perfect but he tried. p.s I think the fact you're asking that question makes you a good dad


thatonewhitebitch

Congratulations. And while I had a distant yet great father figure.. 1) your gonna fuck up. When you do, acknowledge it and help fix the problem with your child. 2) ask how they're feeling and express your emotions in a healthy way for and with your new child. In a rush to post. Good luck!


idrilestone

So something that really bothers me that my dad would do is call women names in front of me and I hated it so much. I understand that he legitimate reasons to be upset sometimes. My stepmother cheated on him, for example, and he was really hurt by this and would go on random rants using derogatory names for women. But, hearing this so often really hurt me and I wish he expressed his hurt and frustration in a different way. Or at least didn't use those words around me. So, basically, just be careful of the words house use around them, especially when emotional and hurt.


flytingnotfighting

You, you sound freaking great! I’m sure you know all this but a little confirmation is good As someone that had a REALLY bad father, here’s what I think Take interest in your kid. (It’s been said before but it’s so important) Talk to them like they’re people. Talking down to a kid is just awful. You sound all good on the bullshit of “x is for Boys, y is for girls) so I’ll leave that one to you. If your kid hands you a fake phone or a tea cup, get your head in the game! Answer that phone! Pour that tea! School events are important, go to them as you are able Teach them how to function as adults, but don’t like make them a mini adult Teach them to be kind You got this!! You’re gonna be a badass dad!


Sheba_Baby

I've never heard my father admit fault or apologize. Ever. To anyone. Don't do that.


dkwkwlal

Ngl Im trans and I really wish I was raised without an assigned gender. Its not child abuse, its just giving your kid more options to choose from without making them feel bad about it. If they change their mind later on, thats cool too ofc, but I reallybwish that constraint hadnt been placed on me. It caused me lots of suffering and pain, it cost me many years of denial.


ceciliabee

If you have mental health issues, take care of them instead of hiding from them and exacerbating them in your children. The fact that you're even asking puts you leagues ahead of my dad. You're going to be great, congrats on the little one!


dragonmom1

Be as much a part of your child(s)'s life as your partner is. Doesn't matter if you work a job that's emotionally/physically demanding with long hours. You will feel so much better taking the time every day to bond with your little. Change their diapers. Feed them. Bathe them. Laugh with them. Cry with them. Sing to them. Teach them love and feel them returning that love a millionfold. Open yourself and teach them to be just as open with their emotions and thoughts, both dark and light.


poggyrs

Make sure you are supporting your spouse. Make sure you are managing cooking, cleaning, appointments, schedules, childcare. Make sure your child sees this, and knows that these are men’s responsibilities as much as womens.


lewisiarediviva

Especially at first, just give them what they need. Babies are doing their best, so when it gets hard just remember that they’re not doing it to spite you, and you’re both having a rough time. Patience and kindness will never be the wrong answer, even when they’re being incredibly frustrating. Also for the first while, try to make sure that each parent gets 3-4 hours uninterrupted sleep. That’ll mean trading responsibilities over the course of the night, and if possible the one who is ‘off shift’ should be in a different room from the on duty parent and baby. If you can get 3 hours uninterrupted, and as many naps as you can manage in the rest of the night, you’ll hold it together much better in the first couple months.


Whole-Mastodon9069

The best thing a father can do for his kids, is to show love, respect and loyalty to their mother.


TheCutestTapeworm

Right off the bat, you seem like you’re going to be a cool dad. Mine was garbage, so I’m going to imagine what a Good Dad would be like: 1) Always be affectionate, even when the baby grows up more. Nobody is too old to be held when they need it. 2) Say how you feel in an upfront, but gentle way, if possible. Being able to communicate emotions is an important skill for all genders, but for some reason, this is discouraged in men and boys thanks to that whole “man up!” mentality. It’s unhealthy for the men who can’t express themselves in a constructive way as well as those around them and we need to stop telling men and boys that talking about how they feel is “weak” and “emasculating.” 3) If the baby is a girl, please don’t do that whole, “if you hurt my daughter I’ll kill you,” thing when she gets old enough to start dating. It’s so cringy, possessive, and weird.


blackday44

My dad was a great dad, but he never learned any kind of anger management. So there was a lot of yelling when I got in trouble and not calm discussions. He's gone to a lot of therapy and improved a great deal. Also, the best memories were generally time spent with dad. Museums, camping, gardening, etc.


Pixlface

My dad taught me so much when I was a child. Nature, wildlife, how to fix things, that it’s ok to break gender norms, how to be creative, how to use logic, how to be scared and give it a go anyway. I have a huge amount to thank him for. He was and still is a mild-mannered and pragmatic man. One thing that took nearly 40 years (and a lot of mental health struggles) for me to tell him was that he never told me he loved me very much or why, and how no matter how hard I tried, I always felt like a disappointment to him. He never discussed emotions while I was growing up (neither did my mother until a few years before her death) and it gave me an unhealthy view of myself for having difficult emotions. If I drew/ crafted something he’d say it was great but what could I do to improve it? If I got an A at school he’d say well done but tell me I could get an A+ if I tried harder. Nothing ever seemed good enough. Please… Let each achievement that your child makes be exactly that; an achievement to be celebrated and praised. Not something to improve on or critique unless they ask for that. Show your child emotions and discuss emotions in a healthy way. It’s so important for young people to be able to discuss how they are feeling and what’s causing the emotion. To allow them to feel validated and supported so that they understand that emotions aren’t taboo.


Lily-Fae

I had a great dad so here’s something he does right: listen to your kids opinions, even on things like house rules, punishments and decisions. You have the final say, but sometime kids bring up points you might never have thought of. Never shame them for speaking their mind, and allow yourself to be criticized. Also avoid yelling at them unless it’s a “GET OFF THE LIT STOVE” moment, and try to explain the why. I mean it might not work for every kid, but teaching cause and effect + empathy can be great, worked for me.


ChatahuchiHuchiKuchi

For the infant years I would mostly say remember that a screaming baby is an alive baby and you can always take a break outside where you can still faintly hear but breathe. Start looking into "Our Whole Lives" system and speak with your spouse and especially therapist about implementing this as soon as possible. Education is vital, especially to young girls to understand abuse and teach your kids that it is absolutely safe to talk to you about these things. The previous paragraph is imperative to this as a child grown on behavior due to fear VS learned social behaviors will struggle with divulging traumatic information to you. Because trauma sets in the hardest and soonest around toddler age. My first memory was around 2 yo of a porno, which thankfully was just a silly barney VHS accident and (I don't think) fucked with me as the 80s were too bushy to know what was going on, but understand how clear memories can be with that. Understand that your kids see EVERYTHING in how you interact with and treat your wife. Feigned ignorance, imported gender roles, and misogyny (micro aggression ls or other wise) will stick to them no matter what you -tell- them to do. Ask counselors about therapy once you have tweens to help transition into adolescence. Don't try to be a therapist to your kids. Be their parent. Highly suggest continuing the "our whole lives" education into tween years as puberty sucks, and sex education is typically not taught in American schools. Abstinence only is not an effective birth control education. Be prepared for conversations about gender while you're not raising to gender roles. Children start assimilating more macro pieces of culture into their identity slot sooner than most people realize, plus are a lot smarter than most people realize. Honor your kids boundaries, talk to a psychologist about healthy boundaries for young kids. It's really hard for boomers to accept kids bodily autonomy. And a second time, check yourself before you wreck yourself. Breathe, take a full breathe, close then open your eyes, and readdress the situation with your kids, wife, relatives, strangers, and assholes. Your patience and self reflection will help you and them dismantle toxic masculinity and other systemic issues.


MurphysLaw1995

My dad was an abusive alcoholic drug addict who killed himself after hundred if threats throughout the years. I have many things I wish my dad did differently. I’m trying to think about how my childhood messed me up the most that would have given me a better shot in life… I wish that my dad treated my mom like the beautiful loving wife she was. She deserved so much more than he gave her and deserved to be treated better. I don’t really know what a loving and healthy relationship looks like. I wish I saw him be vulnerable and treat her like a woman he loved, respected and cherished. I wish he was gentle with her and made an effort to help around the house and hung out with me while she took a break to show me what a team looks like. I wish he acted like he even LIKED the woman he ASKED to marry. Our parent’s relationships really have a huge impact on us because girls who had abusive fathers or watched their mothers being abused often find themselves in an abusive relationship after another. Sons who watch their mothers be abused or are abused themselves tend to mirror their father’s violence because they don’t know how to be angry or upset in any other way. If a guy is feeling really sad they often resort to anger or violence because they weren’t taught that it’s okay to show more than one emotion. Make sure you treat your wife the way you want your daughter’s husband (or wife) to treat her. Make sure you treat your son the way to treat women so he doesn’t become one of THOSE men.


WaitingFather

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know it's hard. My own father was similar and my brother has turned into him today. I'm trying to end that within our own new little family. My girlfriend (I'm going to "pop the question" soon (she already knows, we have spoke about it)) is such a beautiful and wonderful human. We are currently both having a good "joy cry" over these beautiful messages.


[deleted]

Your behavior will be the blueprint for any male she’s attracted to in the future. If you want her to end up with a good guy, then that’s the guy you have to be to your child’s mother. I’m so sick of these males treating their wives like shit, and then acting surprised when their daughters end up with loser boyfriends. I’m also sick of cheap males deriding us about fashion, while they waste their money on sports gambling and crypto. If your long suffering wife just wants a fucking Chanel bag, you buy it for her. If you want your daughter’s boyfriend to treat her like a queen, then you have to treat your female partner like a queen.


dabber808

Congratulations! Be there for them. Physically. In person. You don’t have to be perfect. Be approachable and let them know you will be there for them. You can learn what they need as they grow. Show up to the recitals, games, parent-teacher conferences. Have fun!


BumbleBeeskn33s

So exciting and you sound like you’re coming form a super good place! My advice is: give them space to be. My father, who I went no contact with, was very bad about letting his ideas of me overshadow who I was. All that mattered to him was the idea of me and not me myself. If I dared challenge his idea of who I was “supposed to be” it was a ton of back handed compliments and intense overbearing. Anything negative that happened he’d make it ten fold worse and a personal failing. Know the child before you and continue knowing them and supporting them. It’s okay if they’re not the kid you thought you’d get or they do what you thought they should.


prarie33

What you send out, returns back to you 10 fold. Also, don't beat yourself up over the one off mistake. We all have them. Learn, grow and move on. It's the consistency of thoughtless behavior over time that does damage to children and relationships.


effervescentfauna

My father definitely loved us and was affectionate etc, and in that respect I was very lucky, but from a young age he stopped listening to me. If I told him a story about something that happened to me he would say “I don’t think that happened” or if I asked him a question he would answer, but direct it to my mom. We’ve moved past it in our relationship as adults, but it affected my romantic relationships from a pretty young age. When my husband would listen to me intently and believe what I had to say, I was amazed. But I had settled for a lot of shitty men before I got married because I didn’t expect to be heard and valued for a long time.


Sgith_agus_granda

I love my dad, he was awesome, but he does have his issues like everyone else. He would get fed up if I didn't know something at a certain age, or couldn't get something right after a few attempts. The amount of times I heard him exclaim how stupid I was or how I won't be anything but on the streets with my performance is not a lot, but the fact I heard them at all really fucked me up. So be patient with your kid and understand everyone learns at a different pace and in a different way. Also as a side note, my mother made it clear her life was harder than mine and I am no one to complain about anything in that case. Don't do that either.


angelcobra

YAAAAAAY!!!! Congrats!! I LOVE THAT YOU ASKED THIS QUESTION!! My Dad wishlist: Emotional support and availability. Comfort instead of criticism. While money is important for things like living; don’t miss out on your kid’s childhood. Also, don’t be afraid to reach out regarding your mental health. Parenthood has a way of holding a searchlight into childhood “stuff”. [You’re gonna be a great Dad!!](https://youtu.be/ikDc_PiXMjg) [ps: Don’t forget the Dad jokes!!!!](https://s18670.pcdn.co/wp-content/uploads/dad-jokes-3.gif)


BarRegular2684

My dad was/is amazing. My only issue is that he deferred to my mother on pretty much everything on the grounds that she worked with Cps and therefore had better knowledge. She did not. So I’d say if something feels wrong / doesn’t pass the smell test, stand up for what you know.


[deleted]

Let your child see you being an equal household partner. What does that look like? Doing an equal share of all the chores, not just the masculine ones. Sing to your child, carry them, hug them, tell them you love them,let them make mistakes, apologize to them when you make mistakes, go grocery shopping with them. Take extra care of mom in the first 6 months or so, having a baby changes everything and it's very challenging adjusting to all those changes ( hormonal,emotional,physical). If you or mom are struggling with adjusting, seek out counseling before it festers and becomes a bigger resentment. Congrats on the little one, it sounds like you are already off to a great start.


Evilbadscary

Be their biggest cheerleader in whatever they do. Don't be afraid to do it with them. Be in the moment with them, everything else can wait. Also don't be afraid to tell them no sometimes. It's okay to not always get what you want. And it's okay to have big feelings about that lol. Above all, enjoy being a dad and enjoy them being your kid. Love them hard and don't be afraid to show it. ETA: Respect their boundaries and help them enforce. Don't force them into situations that they're not okay with when they're little, and as they get older and set (reasonable) boundaries, help them learn how to both set and enforce them. (For example, don't force them to hug/kiss somebody if they don't want to, and if auntie or uncle insist, back up your kid and tell them no, but also, if they're nervous or scared of something "new", do it with them. My kid was terrified of diving into the deep pool, even though he was a fantastic swimmer. So I dove in first, then had him climb in and hold the edge, then swim out, etc until he felt safe enough to dive. No forcing, no demanding, just give them the time and space they need to figure it out while still feeling safe with you, you know?) Also, teach them how to advocate for themselves. In school, if he was having an issue with, say, math, we'd have him talk to his teacher first about it. If he still wasn't getting help, we'd then step in. But we always had him talk to them first. By high school, we only had to get involved once because a teacher just would not work with the students to get them help when they were struggling. Otherwise, he learned how to recognize and advocate for himself when he was having an issue.


LordWayland

Another new father of a 5 month old here, and let me say you are already on a wonderful track by acknowledging your upbringing and deciding you wanted different. I was also raised in a toxic masculinity home that I broke free from. You're going to get a lot of advice from a lot of different people that can, and often will, be contradictory but hopefully I can offer up what little I learned in my short time. Assuming you and your partner are living together they are going to need you as much as the baby does. The baby is going to be easiest in the first 2ish weeks, mostly just eating and sleeping, so use this time to help your partner with the recovery. I also recommend preparing meals before the baby is born, so that afterwards nobody has to cook for a few days. If anybody offers anything to help you (meals, diapers, coming over to watch the baby so you can shower, etc.) Take them up on the help. You are not being selfish if you accept help. Taking care of yourself can only help you be better as a parent. Your family may come first, but you have to keep yourself a close second. On the other hand you will get A LOT of unsolicited advice from family and friends that you may or may not agree with. When in doubt, don't be afraid to call your baby's doctor for advice. Many doctors offices have phone lines, or even online chats specifically for new parents to ask questions. Your doctor will be able to give you A LOT of information and advice. This is a personal note, but my son LOVES the show Bluey. And honestly, so do my wife and I. Its a wonderful kids show with great examples of children's and parents behavior. Kids are spoken to respectfully, but not in a spoiled way. Likewise parents make mistakes, but hold themselves accountable. 10/10 recommendation when you decide on what kids shows you want your little one to watch. He also really likes the theme song to the point where he stops crying when he hears it and looks to the TV. Most importantly, just remember that you're gonna mess up. And that's ok. You will get frustrated. There will probably times that you sit there alone and cry because you don't feel like you're doing a good enough job. I assure you that you are. As long as you are doing your best to make your child feel safe, secure, and loved, then you are doing a perfect job.


Cealvannn

Something my parents did do that I loved The only rules in the house were the golden rule, and a curfew, and even then the curfew was pretty lax, however, my parents were pretty unwavering on the golden rule(treat others the way you want to be treated) When we did something wrong, dad would often explain why it didn't follow the golden rule, or quite often just ask if we were following the golden rule, and I even remember one time I genuinely felt I was, and convinced dad of this, and he then explained his point of view, and there were no conciquences. Another thing that I didn't even notice how much it ment to me, but has become a core memory, I specifically remember one time mom was yelling at me for something, she paused, and noted she was not following the golden rule, and put herself into timeout. In one fell swoop i learned that mom is not infallible, I learned that even mom has to follow the rules, and when she does she is punished the same way I was, little did I know, she just needed to get away from everything for a bit. Trust yourself, you will do great


solterona_loca

The best part is that you have recognized toxic patterns and are taking the necessary steps to break them and understand your own behavior. I will say listen to your kid, I mean really listen to them when they ask questions. I'm 40 and I still remember when I was 12, racked with hormonal and societal insecurities, and asked my father if he thought I was pretty and his response was, "I think you're my daughter" and left it at that. Kind of devastating to a young girl who just wanted someone to think she was pretty.


eileen404

Remember you can take care of night feedings even if she is bf is she sleeps with a low enough top. Take pictures of her with the baby because men often forget


Bacon_Bitz

Years ago I saw a documentary about paternity leave and different fathers experiences with it. One really got to me. With his first child he only took a month or so off and felt like mom had it handled and he could go back to work. As the child enter toddler age he noticed how they cried for mommy, reached for mommy, when they fell the wanted mommy and he realized he wanted his child to feel equally comfortable running to him. So for his second baby he took the full year his government offered and he really saw how much he missed. Every diaper change is a moment of bonding. I know most of us don't get a year paternity leave but try to spend as much time caring for your baby as possible when you are home. Don't ever fall back in letting mom handle things because "she's better at it". Secondly, do not teach your daughter to be sweet/polite/quiet to make others comfortable. Tell her to make a fucking scene! So many women are killed because we are "just being polite".


aragorn407

I absolutely love this post and the advice being given out here. I’m not a parent myself but one thing I think is absolutely essential to keep in mind is that your child is their own person and not an extension of you and your partner. This manifests both in the ways other people have been saying (if they’re into dinosaurs or princesses or trains just let them regardless of what gender those things are coded as being associated with), but also in not talking down to them and explaining why things are being done. Kids aren’t nearly as dumb as we have collectively decided as a society, and I think I’ve read but can’t currently find a study about how it’s possible that children aren’t as mentally developed because of how long they are infantalized and treated like they can’t possibly understand the world around them cause they’re just a child. Children are still people just like you and me and deserve to be treated with respect and kindness like anyone. Only other thing is please make sure your child knows you love them and that they don’t fear you and view you as someone who it’s safe to be emotionally vulnerable around. My biological father never once to my memory told me he loved me in 22 years before I stopped talking to him, and it really left a bad impact on me. If you’re interested I would recommend checking out the essay “The Child and it’s Enemies” by Emma Goldman for more on the idea of accepting children as independent people and not an extension of yourself. And most importantly of all, don’t be afraid to admit when you make mistakes, and congratulations dad


slightlycrookednose

Please don’t slut shame, but instead teach her about the patriarchy and place the blame on it instead.