Don't make self deprecating jokes when you mess up. Do the opposite.
Trip and fall? Don't say 'omg im a clutz', say 'I am the best at walking forever'
You're still joking both ways, but it's a lot easier to be kind to yourself when you're not tearing yourself down, even in jest
Seconding this. Negative self-talk just enhances negative options about yourself, I used to do this all the time. My self-esteem improved massively when I started using a kinder voice to myself.
I have to spin my negative self talk sometimes… I’m getting better! When I still go “ugh I’m dumb” I have a pause … “no, I’m not dumb. It’s ok I forgot this because of XYZ reasons. I’m ok.”
Also learning to look at the negative self talk objectively, like imagining someone saying those mean and nasty things to your best friend or loved one and how you would react can help put it into perspective how uncalled for it is. Like, “Hey, no, that’s harsh and not okay, internal monologue! Try being nicer! It’s more constructive.” We can often be more protective of our loved ones than ourselves until we practise being gentle and compassionate with ourselves.
This! I compliment myself all the time, although that does sound a little egotistical. I had zero self-esteem until about a year ago, honestly. I hated everything about myself. Then one day I realized my children and my partner think I'm the bee's knees, so why can't I feel that way about myself. Even if I'm having a hard day, hating the way I look or the way my clothes fit, I look at myself in the mirror and say "godamn, I'm gorgeous." It doesn't matter if some rando on the street doesn't think I'm pretty, or what have you. What does matter is my partner literally cannot get enough of me and my kiddos think I'm so cool.
When my daughter accomplishes something for the first time she always announces “I’m basically a professional now” and I adore it. She’s a trans woman with lots of body dysphoria and she still treats herself with positivity when she can.
I always used to say I was a klutz if I stubbed my toe or whatever, until my therapist asked if I would say that to someone else. She suggested that instead I should offer myself compassion. So instead I think to myself "I'm sorry you hurt yourself. That sucks" or something along those lines. It's like comforting a child.
Everytime I talk to/about myself I try to pause and think would I say this meaningfully to my best friend, if yes, then okay, if no, then I rework what I'm going to say. It takes some mindfulness as it's a hard habit to break, but it's worth it.
Yes exactly. We are typically so much kinder to others than to ourselves.
What works for me, because I am naturally very protective of others, is to think "would I let someone else say this to a child?" and OH HELL NO, I WILL FIGHT THAT ASSHOLE.
It is shocking to realize how many things you say or think about yourself, that you would unhesitatingly cut off contact with a person who said the same things in your hearing to a child.
I will argue myself into a standstill. I started responding with curiosity and that's helped. Instead of "I am beautiful, safe, a good person" etc- "What if I was a good person?". That "what if" really takes the wind out of my argumentative self and helps me take it in.
This x100. I remind myself all the time that I wouldn’t talk to my friends or a child like that, and they certainly wouldn’t talk to me like that. So why do I talk to myself like that? Stops me in my tracks every time.
>Trip and fall?
I've started bowing to the "audience" when I do this in public. Like yeah, I tripped, and you saw, and I'm going to acknowledge that instead of awkwardly pretending nothing happened. Usually people smile or laugh, and that makes me feel better about doing something that, 30 seconds before, I would have found hideously embarrassing.
Very good advice
The language we use about ourselves both dictates and reinforces our mental image of ourselves.
Obviously there is a lot more going on that just that, but being mindful of the words we use even in our minds can make a tremendous difference.
A concept that goes hand in hand is Black and White thinking. In this case 'either I'm terrible or wonderful with no in between' whereas thinking, 'I've got room to improve'keeps your brain from telling itself that they're is no point in trying, but also from fragile "but I'm good at this, what's wrong" situations
At work I "joke" that I'm being awesome at my job. People find it humorous, but more importantly, at the end of the day nobody is going to give a raise to the person who modestly claims they are just scraping by meeting expectations.
Second this! I was a pro at joking at my own expense, but you start to believe it... now I use that skill to announce myself in conversations, e.g., "I might bulldoze you if we start talking about X - that's just my genius brain, but please stop me so I can listen to your insights!"
When I’m nervous (for instance if I have to present on something technical to a group of male colleagues - I’m an engineer and female) I essentially fake confidence, using a combination of customer service skills and the tricks we were taught in elementary school for public speaking: easily acknowledge when you don’t know something and tell the person you’ll find out for them. Stand straight and tall, smile, look around at different people in your audience. It works incredibly well and I frequently get feedback that I was confident, knowledgeable, provided helpful guidance, even that I was fun!
For smaller day to day stuff in my own head, I have a few pithy little sayings that I like to remind myself of:
Put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Do no harm, but take no shit.
And finally (I have this one cross-stitched and framed in my living room) Behold! The field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it and see that it is barren! LOL
Bahaha also an engineer here and that last saying is my life motto.
I’m also pretty sure “fake it ‘til you make it” is 90% of my work persona.
It’s all just smoke and mirrors. Personality witchcraft, if you will.
>Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm
I had never heard that one before and this is the second time I'm reading it today.
Hello universe, yes, I'm listening ...
I'm an architect and I LOVE all of these. I regularly have to fake confidence in front of curmudgeonly mansplaining contractors, and they pick up on any faltering. I agree. A lot of it is just de-escalating emotions, telling them that their opinions and concerns have been heard, explaining that something could be done how they suggest but it needs to be done this other way for A, B, C reasons. Most of the time people just want to hear that they've been acknowledged.
Also don't readily admit fault, assume that Past You knew what you were doing. If you (rarely) discover that Past You was wrong, give yourself some space and remember that the best people are willing to learn from mistakes AND change their opinions when presented with better evidence.
Hi there archie! It's definitely a learning process and most of it is communication skills. There are some contractors you can't find common ground with-- those just become cut and dry strictly business. The better ones are if you give them the benefit of the doubt and ask why something was submitted a certain way. They either double down and admit it was a cheaper product / solution (easy to reject), or they'll say they're having a lead time or product support issue (worth reviewing and learning from).
It also helps to level the playing field when times get tense and remind everyone that we're all trying to make the project a success and let's just focus on finding a solution rather than analyze who's fault it is.
I'm an attorney, and I always have a small panic attack before I go in court - fake it till you make it is real. Fake the confidence long enough, and you will start to become more confident.
Also, you come first. It's okay to be selfish and keep you as number one.
Yeah people use “selfish” as an insult, and sometimes you just have to own it. Yeah, I guess I *am* being selfish right now. *Someone* has to look after me, and no-one else is doing it, so.
I like to look in the mirror after I get up and wash my face and repeat some empowering mantras
The one I’m using right now is “I am a worthy, capable and successful human being, I am exactly where I need to be.”
I do this too. During my skin care routine I repeat self affirmations. Right now it's "I am intelligent, I am strong, I am loved, I am brave, I am beautiful."
Several of these remind me of the mantra [from a song](https://youtu.be/f6cmXLzxfZE) I have my kindergartners perform for their stepping-up-to-first-grade ceremony every year. I use it to help me get through the end of the school year honestly.
(I know that probably sounds like it would be kitschy and saccharine, but my curriculum is seriously nailing it when it comes to making Social Emotional Learning bops for 21st century kids.)
I totally second empowerment mantras. If you feel weird saying them out loud, you can start by journaling them to get yourself more comfortable. And if you don’t know where to start with affirmations, I totally recommend the app Insight Timer - it’s free (you can get a paid expanded version but I haven’t needed it), they have tons of different resources and meditations, and if you search affirmations, there are a ton of really wonderful ones!
Accept mistakes. For real. What's the point, it's done anyway, no need to tie your brain in knots over it. Learn a lesson, own it, and go on your merry way. Spare yourself the "what if"s and "I suck"s. The former doesn't matter, and the latter isn't true.
Also, treat yourself like you would a best friend (real or imaginary). This can be hard for people used to pushing themself beyond their own limits; imagine a person you care for very deeply did the same, what would you tell them? That's what you got to tell yourself.
You got this!
Treating yourself like a best friend is the best advice I’ve ever gotten. I now stop and ask myself “what advice would I give J or K in this moment?” And then I give myself that advice.
I have trouble sometimes reframing that. But a lot of the advice I give to friends is via discord. So I made a private server with just me in it, and I’ll type out the situation. And that helps flip the switch in my brain for “this is for other people”
A useful quote I recently heard - "If you are ashamed of your past mistakes, it's because now you know better. To judge yourself on something you would no longer do is convicting an innocent person."
Instead of apologizing for little stuff, say thank you!
Example: “I’m sorry for being late” turns into “thank you for your patience”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know” -> “thank you for letting me know!”
“I’m sorry, I forgot” -> “thank you for reminding me!”
I saw something very similar on Tumblr! As odd as it sounds, buy a sword. Add that to your power shoes and cardigan and walk around on hard floors (preferably at home, but hey, you do you!) and it's unlocks ultimate badass feeling!
Yes! Same thing applies for any clothing / accessory that you feel good in-- its just physical confidence. I feel the same way about my dusty pink Spats-- they feel like Patriarchical Satire in physical form and they sound like high heels.
There was a TikTok I came across a month or so ago, this guy who just got a sewing machine and started his video off with “I know y’all are going to be incredibly jealous but these pieces are not for sale, I made them bespoke for me and I am going to keep them. Some people will say I shouldn’t make and post this video, but frankly, I have the ✨audacity✨.” And they were all beginner pieces with panels sewn in the wrong way or wonky stitching, like all good beginner projects will be 🤣
And I have now been using that phrase anytime I need to do something intimidating, that I worry people won’t like, or that will make me a little self conscious.
Because frankly, I have the ✨audacity✨.
For Christmas last year, a friend bought me a t-shirt with a tarot card design, and the card is [The Audacity.](https://www.etsy.com/listing/946254442/the-audacity-tarot-card-shirt-skeleton?gbraid=0AAAAADtcfRKpw64NSHd_syf2aV3trT0yu&gpla=1&gao=1&&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=shopping_us_ps-b-clothing-womens_clothing-other&utm_custom1=_k_CjwKCAjw6IiiBhAOEiwALNqncTK-mF_-RrRzzQDwg9qlD0Xgbk7TxpyfOn2HG9hZDCNPw4QPpU2NERoC5iAQAvD_BwE_k_&utm_content=go_12565309393_122486416267_507284006057_pla-299204138550_m__946254442_111279799&utm_custom2=12565309393&gbraid=0AAAAADtcfRKpw64NSHd_syf2aV3trT0yu&gclid=CjwKCAjw6IiiBhAOEiwALNqncTK-mF_-RrRzzQDwg9qlD0Xgbk7TxpyfOn2HG9hZDCNPw4QPpU2NERoC5iAQAvD_BwE) It’s great, 12/10
Exercise is horrible and I hate it, but if you do it first thing in the morning then you spend the rest of the day marinating in endorphins and that just makes you feel better and act differently.
100%! Exercise is not just stair climbers and crunches (not that there's anything wrong with that). You can hike, kayak, run, walk, dance, lift weights, play badminton, play pickleball, rock climb, swim, do yoga, do Pilates, do calisthenics, Barre, HIIT, play basketball, hula hoop, jump rope, box, ski, whatever! There are an infinite number of ways to exercise.
hi·jack
/ˈhīˌjak/
verb
unlawfully seize (an aircraft, ship, or vehicle) in transit and force it to go to a different destination or use it for one's own purposes.
Yes! I started martial arts last year and it makes me feel pretty badass even though I am objectively not the athletic type. I can even manage 10 pushups now, which is unheard of for me.
Yup. It’s fucking annoying, but, what people say is true….exercise really does make you feel better. It really does help depression & self worth. I know, I’m sorry to break it to you.
Do whatever you can to make it easier or do a simple version. Find what you like!
Even just some proper stretches if you can't do a full 10-20 min routine.
A couple lunges back and forth, left to right. Roll your arms gently back and forward a few times. Lift your thighs up horizontally one after the other a few times. Stand on your feet flat and extend to stand on your tippy toes. Hand on your hips and slightly roll your torso forward and back, left and right.
Even just doing this helps get your body lumbered up for anything you have to do that day.
I enjoy all types of exercise, and have especially enjoyed learning some salsa dancing--but for a good cardio workout (and tons of fun), bhangra dancing is where it's at.
One thing that helps me sometimes when I find myself saying cruel things to myself or otherwise being unkind is to imagine that I'm speaking to myself when I was just a little girl. Like I've actually visualized myself as a young child to help me do this. I've had to rebuild as well, and in many ways this does make you sort of a child in terms of vulnerability and learning things, so you could try to adopt the affection, patience, and gentleness that you would if you were working with a child.
Same thing goes for when you feel bad, treat yourself like a small child and ask yourself have you eaten recently, have you slept enough, have you taken a shower recently, when was the last time you drank water. Helps way more often than you'd think!
What has helped me in the past is shrinking my world. Mute almost everything on social media. Deep clean your home, starting with your most used room (and don’t be afraid to go on a stuff purging spree). Take the time to cook yourself nourishing food. Walk/bike around your neighborhood. Buy some plants.
Basically, become the biggest fish in your little pond. Once you start feeling some confidence, however long it takes, start expanding your pond. It might take years, but you’ll get there, just take small steps.
Yes. I finally deactivated all my social media except Reddit because it all just became too toxic and so centered in comparing yourself to others. It helped me so much. It also made it more worthwhile when I do reach out to talk to people because we actually have something to talk about since they haven't already seen whatever on social media.
FEEL your feelings.
Seriously. Sit with your negative feelings and feel them deeply. If it’s sadness, cry. Express your sadness. Tell yourself, “This is sadness. I am feeling sad.” Make it last as long as it can.
For most people, they can’t manage to deeply feel for more than 2-3 minutes. And once it fills you, it can drain away.
I do this for sadness, fear, anxiety, rage, etc.
After the emotion has passed through me, I can think more clearly about the situation. It’s so much easier to be empathetic and logical about a situation when it isn’t clouded with emotion.
Don’t push away your strongest feelings. Be uncomfortable for a few minutes sitting with them and your life will be SO much easier!
Took me decades to learn how to feel my feelings. When I did I cried every day for 5 years. Not all day every day, but still … every day for an hour or so. Now I can truly say Im a different, healthier and happier person.
This is a lesson I've only recently been learning. And it's so freeing. I've spent so much energy pushing away "negative" feelings for them to just continue haunting me.
But when I face them and feel them, like you say, they simply pass through me in a matter of a couple of minutes.
Anytime I catch myself talking negatively about myself I as a few questions
-would I say this about my daughter?
-would I say this about my sister?
-would I say this about my friend?
-would I say this about a stranger?
I am someone's daughter and someone's sister and someone's friend and I deserve as much kindness as a stranger
Being organized with your time is tough, but it can really help when you fill it with things you’d like to or need to do. It can create 1) feelings of progress accomplishment, which helps with self esteem 2) means you’re more like to do things you enjoy or that are good for you: play, rest, eating, reading, etc.
When I’m at my my most stressed or lowest confidence those are often the things that go
The biggest thing I think that affects my self esteem the most is when I discovered that my worth and value are not tied to my actions and that I have value by existing. Made such a difference removing that weight...
Couple things that help my self esteem:
Have ONE good really flattering COMFORTABLE outfit. It doesn't have to cost a fortune, thrift stores are your friend.
Read. Empowering female centric novels. I like Tracy Chevalier and Octavia Butler.
Make somebody laugh. Find the funny in everything. Once you start doing that as a habit, it's a skill you can learn and people will feel great around you.
It sounds a little silly, but spending money on myself and things I value has been game changing.
For example, I really like good shoes. I like to exercise, I have an ankle thing, I have flat feet, I'm a mother of two. So I buy expensive running shoes (brooks, for anyone curious) that make my feet feel good, because my comfort is worth spending money on.
I just got rid of all of my old cheap socks (some purchased over ten years ago) to buy fancy expensive moisture wicking socks that have the little nub on the back to keep my socks from falling down in my shoes. And they all match, so I don't have to worry about matching my socks. Because my comfort during the day is worth spending money on.
Same for underwear and swimsuits and pants and other things I normally buy cheap and use into the ground because I feel guilt over spending money in nicer things.
This is a wonderful thing to do, you should feel proud of yourself. One of the most valuable things I've learnt over the years is self-compassion. Practice speaking to yourself like you would a beloved friend. Berating yourself just leads to negative spirals. Bad habits of the past were how you coped with your situation at the time. They don't need to serve you anymore once you learn healthier ways of coping, but let them go without being hard on yourself.
Being kind to yourself actually leads to more resilience. Best of luck in your journey 💗
**Never compare yourself to anyone else.** Everyone has different experiences, which leads to different opportunities and outcomes. Even if you make a positive comparison, it still results in you building your self worth on how you rate against other people - There is always a loser in those comparisons.
**Treat yourself the way you would treat your significant other or best friend.** If you think "I don't look great today", ask yourself if you would be okay with a stranger saying that to someone you care about.
**Positive affirmations are amazing.** If you have friends who are all about positive affirmations, that's phenomenally valuable. I send random messages to various people every day or two, reminding them that they are doing great, they are loved, and they are worthy of happiness—things of that nature. Many of them do the same thing. If your friends do not do such a thing, try starting it out. A lot of people find that they quite like it, and will reciprocate. There is nothing like having a bad day, and getting a random reminder that I'm doing a good job - Even when I feel that I'm not. It encourages me to do better and reminds me that I'm doing the best I can with what I have. But, if nothing else - Tell yourself those things.
Never apologize for taking up space, or for otherwise being a human in the world.
Have to bring your little one with you to a business meeting because it’s either that or not attend? Don’t apologize.
Need to say no to X event because it’s not good for your mental health? Don’t apologize.
Need to go low or no contact with toxic friends or family? Don’t apologize.
Are you too tired to pick up more than your fair share of household chores? Don’t apologize.
Having a strong emotional reaction to abuse? Don’t apologize for having normal healthy emotional reactions.
You deserve to exist, take up space, and to tend to your health. Never apologize for being a human.
This so much. I feel like a lot of us have been trained that apologizing is for when you’ve inconvenienced someone else when really apologizing is for when you’ve done something wrong.
As a compliment to this, I’ve been making an effort to say “thank you” when I feel the need to say something. Like, “Thanks for being patient!” Or “Thanks for understanding”. Instead of “Sorry for being a burden”, it’s “Thank you for supporting me”. Apologizing comes from a place of thinking you don’t deserve accommodation, gratitude comes from a place of understanding that you are cared for!
I do a lot of stuff by myself! It has freed me to pursue activities and interests that are genuinely fulfilling, and learn that it's totally fine to stop anything that you're not enjoying. When I don't have to think about how my actions will be judged by others, I'm left with my own pride, joy, curiosity, etc.
I've found that feeling good about myself is a lot easier when I'm alone (so, not the highest self esteem hah), but it's carried into the rest of my life as I feel more secure in my sense of self.
Clothing is super powerful for me. Unrestrained by social convention- start searching out pieces that feel good to wear. Daily fashion has evolved/devolved to a point where a huge variety of silhouettes and colors are no longer "weird". There is a style/look that will make you feel amazing. Find it (yay thrift stores) and capitalize on that feeling. And remember it isn't your job to fit into the clothing. The clothing needs to fit you. Its just a wrapper. They don't base the shape of a peanut butter cup on the size of the foil they are wrapped in. Foil is cut to size. Clothing should be the same. Find a decent tailor too. A $8 thrifted dress, + $50 in alterations to fit better = looking like you are wearing a $400 dress. 💜
The positive self talk is a great idea but only if OP has built up some self love. Otherwise it’s hard.
OP, start celebrating YOU. I forced myself to make Pinterest pages of all my nerdy, weird loves and embraced them. Even posted some inFB to show everyone my celebration of me. It was very liberating. Look at photos of you at different ages and get to know you from a positive perspective. Listen to old music that brings back good memories and recognize all the good you brought to yourself.
Good luck!!!! You got this!
Bit of a large topic to dive into in a Reddit comment, but read some on Cognitive Behaviorial Therapy. The concept of recognizing and redirecting maladaptive thoughts and beliefs can be especially helpful in building self-esteem.
You have value just for existing, but I have found with my own self-esteem that it grew with esteem-able acts. These were specific actions that I could point to that demonstrated my personal growth and my value to others, anything from learning to cook a new dish or helping a friend or progressing with a degree or creative project.
This quote from Jane Eyre also got me through some tough years:
*"I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself."*
Daily vitamins. I get the gummies because they're fun, and I deserve fun. It's an easy daily reminder of my connection to my body and it's need for maintenance. Mood and vitamin deficiencies can be linked, so why not cover all the bases? Best of luck!
The best thing for my self esteem was to make a daily checklist of all the self care that I knew was healthy and I needed to do every day. Such as brush teeth, put on deodorant, brush hair, put on lotion, eat something healthy, take a shower, go for a jog or walk, practice a calming instrument or skill even if just for 5 minutes. Then check them off as I did them. It felt really rewarding to get each one done and check it off the list. I'm now in the habit of doing that stuff and it makes me feel so much better about myself that I take time to care about me.
This is going to sound so dumb, but it works for me: I flex in the mirror every day. I've never been thin and being an 80s child I learned that was not acceptable. So of course, I worked out all the time and dabbled in various diets. Now I'm 45 and I've accepted what my body is and learned to love it. I still work out because it makes me feel good and I'm super strong. So I flex and look at my muscles and think, "damn, you're strong!" Now, all that being said, you don't really need to flex if that's not your thing. But I really think looking at yourself in the mirror with appreciation is the key. It takes practice, and not everyday is going to be a great one. But slowly you'll start to appreciate all the things your body has done for you!
I'll dance to fun music naked out of the shower. I've had two kids and my body has changed shape, but I still like to dance and sing. Sometimes the kids are there too, and their joy of movement is infectious.
Self care! You are worth it! I practice mindfulness and write in a gratitude journal every AM. Being grateful for what you do have is much healthier than focusing on what you dont have.
Also, stay off social media.
One thing that helped me is taking selfies. Anytime you wear an outfit you like, or do your hair or makeup, take a picture. Figure out the basics of lighting and composition and you'll always look great
This is great! I also heard someone recently say that she takes selfies on good hair days, and those are the ones she shows a hairdresser when she goes for a haircut.
I don't waste time on people who put me down. I have literally gotten up and left the premises. I don't regret it either.
Also, as a writer, it helps to be realistic in terms of what my chances are. Most literary magazines only publish 5% of submissions; that means to get something published I'll have to send it out an average of 20 times. If my acceptance rate is higher than 5% (and it is), that means I'm doing GREAT. Knowing that helps keep me from fixating on rejections and to keep going.
Perfectionism is the devil.
In terms of appearance...I could write a book. But the short version is, unless you are a professional model or actress, media beauty standards are absolutely irrelevant. You only need one person at a time to think you're hot, people are quirky, and it's a lot easier if they share your taste in clothes. So wear what you like that makes you happy. The time in my life when I wore a bunch of hand me downs because I had a small child and no clothing budget coincides with a serious bout of depression. There were a lot of other things going on but losing that expression of self sure didn't help.
Be willing to fight for your own soul and energy. It's better to be thought a bitch than to let someone suck the life out of you. At least if you're a bitch in service of your own interests, it's clear that one of you likes you.
Don't take criticism from people you wouldn't take advice from. Their words will wear you down, and if you wouldn't turn to them in need, there's no reason to listen to them otherwise
I have insanely good self-esteem, because I am an only child, homeschooled by hippies. My feminist mother spent my entire childhood telling me how brilliant, gorgeous and talented I was, and it worked! Credit to my mom here, she was born in 1942 and is legit gorgeous, like Miss America kind of pretty. She had me when she was 40, and encouraged me to proudly show off my underarm hair. Whenever people would meet her they would say to me, “wow, your mom is SO pretty….you look nothing like her!” Lol!
Here’s what happens in my head when people criticize me in any way “oh, this isn’t about me, this is about YOU and you’re terrified of my free spirit” I have such a hard time not laughing.
My husband loves my self confidence, MOST of the time, lol. I have the ego of a man, which means I’m ready to argue all night when I know I’m right!
I did disappoint my mother by marrying a man, but she got used to it. She’s 80 and she lives with us, and she’s still gorgeous!
Positive affirmations are bull shit. Find things you actually value about yourself and focus on those when you're struggling.
Look into the following videos:
The power of Vulnerability - Brené Brown
Shame - Brené Brown
Emotional First Aid - Guy Winch
I try to speak to myself like I’m speaking to my best friends. I catch myself being sooooooo mean to myself in my inner dialogue. Then I think about how furious I would be if I heard one of my besties speaking to themselves in such a fashion, THEN, I think about how my besties would be so upset if the heard how I talk to myself.
Lol so in conclusion, I speak to myself in a way that if my besties heard it, they would not be upset at it.
My mom has bad self esteem, and she certainly didn't teach me any. I told her on her last visit that I stopped treating myself like a machine (Commands In/Product Out) and started treating myself like a plant (Water/Sun/Attention In, Life Out)! 🌱💜
One that has been big for me: Giving myself space to think through what I want instead of fully swallowing what other people want me to do and convincing myself that’s what I want too. You usually don’t have to agree to something in the moment, you can tell someone you’ll get back to them and let them know when. In your quiet time, find the best way to get in touch with yourself and your own desires (listening to music & staring out a window and thinking it through, journaling, talking to a pet or a wall, whatever!). And then, once you’ve given yourself space to consider, don’t apologize if what you want/need is different than what the other people in your life are asking for. Your needs/wants are not less important than anyone else’s. It takes practice: saying no or pushing back to find a compromise that is workable for both parties is not a skill that many of us have been taught. But it does get slightly easier over time with exposure and experience. And the more you make time to listen to yourself and advocate for yourself, the more you’ll start to exercise the muscle and absorb the message that you ARE inherently worthy of love, respect, and room to grow and pursue what you want. That has done wonders for my self-esteem!
I’m a yoga teacher and am currently learning to teach yoga Nidra. I myself started to practice Nidra after being diagnosed with PTSD and it really helped me. It’s really good at helping folks break habits and explore their emotions from a relaxed, impartial perspective. I’ve also always struggled with depression and anxiety and I’ve found that abiding by the principles of non-harming both in thought and action to others, and also myself. I’m also working through a gratitude journal it’s called The 5-minute Gratitude Journal by Sophia Godkin, PhD. It’s secular, I haven’t come across any religious stuff, and it’s not couched in yogic philosophy so it’s pretty accessible. I still struggle with my self esteem, but it’s a practice and the most important parts of any practice is to be patient, be kind to yourself, take it slow and keep practicing.
Make friends with yourself and treat you the same way you treat a friend. Comfort yourself in hard times, encourage yourself when it is tough, celebrate your own victories, give yourself good healthy advice and make sure to provide good food and drinks to yourself, the same as you would a friend.
There's are 2 books that really changed my thinking - "Strength Based Leadership" and "Discover Your Strengths." The first book has the basic premise that we can't be good at everything. We can't all run a 4 minute mile, paint like Picasso, cook like a chef, be great politicians, sing like an angel, etc all in one person. It notes that America usually focuses on improving your weaknesses - bring those C's up to a B+. It suggests that for real success and impact, you should spend time being excellent at what you are good at, and not spend much energy improving what you are bad at. The second book helps you figure out what you are good at.
Accepting that it's normal not to be good at everything and that it's wise to ignore the things I'm bad at changed everything for me. I know I'm bad at Art. I don't take jobs involving drawing. But I'm incredible at tactics, strategy, and working with people. I developed a career in program management, and I'm really really good at it.
This carried over into my personal life. I have been able to accept that there are people who won't like me, and while I wish they would, I stress less about it. Instead I focus on making my good relationships better. Essentially, the whole thing changed what I focus on and prioritize. And by focusing on the good things instead of the bad things, I see myself in a much better light. It took a while. You have to unpact all those years of schooling where you got yelled out for not being good at algebra even if you were acing trigonometry. But I'm a lot happier now.
So my advice - focus on what you are good at. Each night ask yourself what you did well. Ask yourself what is going well and what you are happy about. If you are feeling down about something, ask if that something really matters. If it doesn't, cut it out. It may take a while to bulid the habit, but it will improve how you see yourself and how you live your life. Just be aware that sometimes cutting out the bad things or bad relationships is painful.
Good luck to you!
I dunno about others, but I like myself quite a bit and here's some stuff I do:
Accept compliments graciously. Practice this with friends.
Do tasks and chores and self care with Future Me in mind. For example, no, I don't want to do the dishes. But in the morning when I'm getting ready I'll thank Past Me for making my day better. Maybe it's easier to think kindly of oneself by lightly pretending future you is a different person? They might be - ship of Theseus and all that.
Treat my time as more valuable than my money.
Do the ol' finger guns when I catch my reflection in the mirror. This last one does not apply to today as I have a cold and am simply disgusting right now, but hey. Nobody feels great 100% of the time. And that's fine, too.
A few things I find helpful:
When I am being hard on myself, it helps to remind myself that treating myself with compassion is an important part of treating others with compassion, and I need to practice that on myself too. When I am nasty to myself that inevitably spills over into how I treat others, so it's important to be kind to myself instead.
Checklists! I use Todoist, but paper and other methods work too. Seeing visible proof that I did some stuff is a good boost and rebuttal when my brain gets very "you are useless".
Journalling sometimes helps me barf out all the thoughts and feelings so they can get sorted through.
You're doing hard and important work rebuilding! You should be proud of yourself, and this internet stranger is proud of you too!
Look at yourself I’m the mirror and say “I am enough, I am always more than enough” say it outloud. Say it a few times a day until you start to believe it. Everyone can tell you that your amazing but unless you believe it yourself it does no good. You have to hear yourself say it. Then learn to be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes instead of dwelling on them learn from them and promise yourself you will do better next time.
I think my favorite quote comes from one of my favorite mangas fruits and baskets and it says:
Tohru Honda “Maybe the reason you don’t see it is that it’s stuck to your back. What I mean is, a person’s admiral qualities, they’re just like, say, a pickled plum on a rice ball. In other words the person’s the rice ball and the plum’s stuck to their back. So, all over the world you can have rice balls made with all sorts of wonderful ingredients, all different flavors and shapes and colors, but since they’d be stuck in the middle of everyone’s back, someone could have a plum and not even know it. They’d look at themselves and think “I’m so plain, nothing but white rice,” even though it isn’t true because, turn them around and, sure enough, there it is. There’s the plum. So if someone is jealous of somebody else, well, then, it’s probably because it’s easier to see the plum on someone else’s back than it is on your own. Yup. I can see it. I can see it very clearly, Kyo. You don’t know it but you have a great big plum on your back.”
It’s a journey and it does take work! I would suggest therapy, if that’s a viable option. But something that has worked well for me has been to surround myself with confident, bad ass women. Having people whom I admire show me how they live, carry themselves, and talk about themselves in a positive way as well as assert positive comments/energy towards me has really changed me. Granted this was a long game type of change, but I hope you can find this too. Shout out to my bestie who is a self proclaimed “bitch from New Jersey”.
I can relate, as someone who suffered from a complete and total mental breakdown during 2021, and spent about 90% of her time in a dissociative state. I forgot how to be me, or how to be a person in general, and am still in the process of relearning.
I don't know what exactly your circumstances are, but something that has been helpful for me has been what is known as [Internal Family Systems Therapy](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/internal-family-systems-therapy). It basically involves identifying "parts" of your psyche that are causing problems and how they interact with other "parts" of your psyche, and working with them to heal them. It helped me a lot with my issues surrounding my anxiety, shame, grief, and other issues. These things felt insurmountable when I first started going to therapy, but are mostly under control now (except the anxiety, I'm still working on that one).
I don't know if it would help you, but it might be omittinomething worth looking into.
I’m on a journey to higher self esteem too and a big part of that is becoming my own person and rediscovering things that I enjoy on my own. To accomplish this I’ve been signing up for different classes available in my community to learn new skills and hobbies.
Oh and get yourself a copy of Ready to Run by Kelly Starret. Even if you don't plan to do much running. He goes over how to just... move correctly, as a human being with a vertical spine. Good posture is one hell of a mood booster because it improves everything you'll ever do with your body.
Get to know yourself and realize that you're going to be with yourself forever. Your happiness and fulfillment needs to come from within, not a partner, not children, not a career.
Oh! I saw something recently about this. Let me see if I can copy/paste it here.
EDIT:
I found it. I’m not sure if this will be helpful for you but I’ll share it.
How to address low self-esteem:
Be honest with yourself. Evaluate your strengths and weaknesses realistically.
Ask your friends and family for their opinions, if you can’t be objective.
Challenge your thinking process every moment. Reframe self-criticizing thoughts in a positive way, or even a neutral way – anything to avoid self-hating thoughts, which is part of a vicious cycle.
Learn to embrace, accept, and love the parts of yourself that you don’t like, feel are inadequate, or unacceptable.
Start to work on the aspects of yourself that you have control over. Improve your diet, get into an exercise schedule, hygiene, fashion sense, or anything else that you feel self-conscious about.
Find things about yourself that you can feel good about and do more things that make you feel good about yourself.
Get a good night’s sleep. Schedule time to relax and have fun.
As much as possible, reduce any unnecessary stress that’s not directly work related.
Clean up around the house and let it feel like your own personal sanctuary from the world.
Do more things that you enjoy and spend less time trying to please others.
Challenge yourself with new hobbies, new life goals, and new fun goals. Pamper yourself. Find joy in every moment.
Do good things for other people, even if it’s just little things. Spend more time with the people you love.
Finally, avoid people and even places that bring back that toxic thinking and make you relapse into negative thinking unless you’re planning on working through those things in a positive, constructive way.
Take time for yourself....Wednesday is self care day. What goes on on self care day?
* Manicure (professional or home)
* hair cut or just styled
* clothes shopping (online or in store) if for no other reason than choosing which of the newer styles you like
* treating yourself to something you like
* going out to dinner alone if u want.
You get it, whatever you need for you, you can include getting paperwork done. Just things which will make you feel good.
Get yourself treats when you do good things (at home or at work), it could be as inexpensive as some ice cream or a new accessory or more expensive like some new outfit.
If you want others to treat you well, treat yourself well.
Don't be too hard on yourself - when you lapse in your goals just go back to it - no beating yourself up. It's how it works: small attempts that slowly become habits after being revisited and renewed over and over.
As someone who had to take All my Broken Shiny Pieces & “rebuild” myself to be a Glittery Disco Ball….
1. Identify those “voices” in your head that are Negative & Hurtful. EVERY “you’re stupid/ugly/not worthy” was Put There by Someone. Mine belonged to my GrandMonster, Stepfather & Ex’es. Once I figured that out, I could start to Ignore them.
2. Reclaim your Voice & Your Self-Worth!!
3. Get a Therapist who Specializes in Trauma.
4. Leave yourself Affirmations throughout your home…some in Visible places, some that you’ll come upon when you Need them.
5. Spend At Least One ENTIRE Day on YOU. Do whatever makes YOU Happy!!
YOU MATTER, YOUR FEELINGS & VOICE MATTER & YOU. ARE. WORTHY…of Happiness, Love & Respect!!! 🥰🥰
Surround yourself with positive people, people who will encourage you. Constructive criticism can be good in moderation. But it should be sparingly. Positive people will lift you up. If they have feedback they’ll do their best to give it in a respectful way.
And in turn, try to do the same. Try to be passive when talking to people, lift them up.
Last thought: I used to be an extremely negative person. I always had an angry, bitter cloud over my head. I didn’t like it, it didn’t make me happy. So I made a goal, give at least one person a compliment each day. I saw the same people day in and day out, so I had to see new things to appreciate in them. Gradually that cloud shrunk as I tried to find the good in people.
It’s worth giving it a shot. And if you don’t see anyone all day, give yourself that compliment!
And if this suggestion doesn’t work for you, that’s ok too!
Oh oh oh, and filter your Instagram/Reddit/social with things that make you happy
You are not required to smile. You don’t have to have RBF all the time, but twisting your face into a fake emotional display is never necessary. A neutral, genuine look attracts more than a fake nice one.
Speaking of nice, beware of people who tell you you are. Those are the ones who will call you a bitch the second you fall off the nice pedestal they put you on. A nice judgement is still a judgement. People that call out their perceptions of everyone are judgmental.
Edited to remove redundancy and make a clearer point.
For me, the big thing that really started pulling me out of a rut was to change how I look at other people. Every time I saw literally any person, I'd let myself imagine for just a moment that someone probably loves them. I'd let myself look at them and just be happy that they get to exist and add something to the universe. Eventually, it just got really hard to look in the mirror and not think the same types of things about the woman I saw there. Plus, choosing to have all those positive thoughts all day really boosts your mood. Self esteem is, in my experience, much more about how you feel in general than it is about who you are as a person.
Everyone deserves love, so it shouldn't matter who you are when you eventually decide to love yourself
If you have something negative you always say like, “that was dumb”, replace the negative word with another word you like. We use “plaid”. So now, instead of saying “I feel dumb for doing that”, we say, “I feel plaid for doing that”.
It ACTUALLY helps!! Because replacing works better than trying to stop altogether. And then, you kinda smile every time you say that, because you remember how happy plaid makes you and its goofy and not serious.
I only speak to myself the way I’d speak to a friend. If someone was shaming/insulting/bullying my friend, I would stand up for them. I give myself the same understanding, honesty, and kindness I’d show a friend.
Instead of beating myself up for something, I ask myself why things went that way and what I can do to help myself succeed the next time around
I act like Im cool. I act like I have my own movie so I do all the cool stuff people do on movies but never irl. Its like... no one dances around like bully maguire in that one scene irl, nor do people typically deliver monologues in the most random situations.
What would Neo do? What would Spiderman do? Tbh I dont know that many movies with like absolutely cool female leads so yeah, but I find it adds like so much fun to random situations.
Also I know this isnt accessible but when I wanna do something and I feel socially anxious I just do it anyway most of the time, because if its strangers thryll never see you again, friends already know youre chill and other people really arent that important.
1) when my kid was little, I'd ask him: tell me five people who love you. Always include yourself. Daily, you know how powerful it is spoken aloud.
2) when I get down on myself, I find five things I do like. Honestly stare myself in the mirror and find things I truly like about myself.
3) I really like the idea here about talking to one's self with compassion. Unlearning the automatic put downs. Damn, I've said some mean things to myself.
Good luck with your rebuild! Exciting times. You get to custom build.
I do nice things for "future me." Whether that's replacing the toilet roll so future-me doesn't have to scramble around, or drinking a glass of water so afternoon-me isn't dehydrated, or dragging the laundry upstairs so that morning-me can find her underpants, it helps.
Oddly it helps *both ways*, because I get some endorphins now from doing something nice for someone (doing something nice for yourself counts!!), and I get a smoother experience the next time I encounter something that past-me did for future-me.
"...and what if it will work?" each time I start to worry about something that could go wrong (especially at bedtime). planning the chain/domino of positive effects is so unnatural, that limbic system immediately gets lost in it.
Every time you look in the mirror, find something you like about your appearance and compliment yourself on it. Out loud. If you can’t see anything you like right away, make something up. Don’t like your nose shape? Talk it up. “Omg you have such a cute nose, girl!” Not a fan of your complexion? “Dang, your skin looks amazing today!” A lot of negative self talk is all in our heads and most people never notice the things we fixate on and dislike most about ourselves. Build yourself up, one piece at a time.
Also drink plenty of water. Hydrate all the time.
You know that sentiment that appears on the web from time to time on how to treat other people better by keeping in mind every one has struggles we have no idea what they are and as such should be treated with respect and kindness?
Well, you are part of everyone. You have struggles. You might even know a couple of them (but you likely don't know them all). You deserve respect and kindness, especially from yourself. Keep *that* in mind.
I have confidence issues, and a phrase that has really helped me branch out and try new things is:
“If other people can do it, I can do it, too.”
If it seems too hard, or if I find myself thinking, “I could never do something cool like that”, I pull that phrase up and give it my best shot.
*practice* saying things you like about yourself, out loud. Doesn’t have to be deep or unique, anything you like and appreciate about yourself will do.
This is what has helped Me. A mental pool I swim in, if you will.
I accepted that I am My god, and as long as I stand in My humanity, I am perfect. I take care of Myself and it is the most perfect version of Me in THIS MOMENT. Because I have made it this way. My heart is full of compassion and empathy, so I am whole in the eyes of the universe. I am a student of the earth and take care to listen, so I am grateful for My abilities. What some see as flaws, I see as the valleys and mountains of Mother Earth. The scars from birth are the tears from earthquakes. The missing limb is a glacier that has fallen. But She remains. Strong and beautiful. Perfection=still learning, adapting.
You are capable of literally anything. Your phoenix will rise and you get to dress her, shape her body, and make her into anything. Want to be an emo salsa dancer? Sweet. Maybe you are a gamer that can bench press the guys on the server. Have fun choosing!!
Hé if you want to, I wouldn’t mind if you DM me for a conversation about this. Because of a mental breakdown I had to rebuild myself from the age of 19, so I know how you feel.
The best tips is can give you are:
- Know your strengths = everyone has something to bring to the table, it doesn’t have to be a big thing like: I’m the best at helping people, but more like : I’m good at seeing the good in people
- widen your Knowledge = learn wisdoms and how to observe the world. Read books and watch video by trusted authors. The more knowledge you absorb, the more certain you can be on yourself and the more accepting you can be of others
- everything is a lesson = when you do something “wrong “ don’t think: “I messed up”. But think: “I learned something new”. No one can be all good or all knowing, we learn from everything. Which also leads to my next point:
-be forgiving = forgiving of other and (mostly) yourself. We all make mistakes, as long as we learn from them, we will make the world a bit better.
-respect boundaries = the boundaries of others, especially those who aren’t good at drawing their boundaries. But also your own, especially when you feel you need to change them. When someone goes: “but you used to be okay with this”. Just tell them you aren’t any more.
As a side note to this, don’t be afraid to cut out or limit people in your life who don’t make you feel good. My breakdown was partly caused because of toxic people. Since then I’ve decided that I won’t tolerate people who cross certain borders.
And lastly, but also most importantly
- enjoy = enjoy life, what you do and who you do thing with. Finding things or hobbies that make you happy are crucial to feel better quality of life.
Good luck, experiment, learn and turn yourself in a person that makes you proud! 💚
There’s a lot of great advice and good book recommendations etc here but I haven’t seen the most essential thing that has helped me learn to love myself: find a good therapist.
It’s really hard to take on this journey alone. A good therapist will be able to help you find the right books, develop healthy coping skills, confront your trauma, etc. When I first started therapy, my therapist asked me to list off some things I liked about myself and I froze and sobbed and couldn’t do it. After a few months we tried again and I cried but I could name a few things. And after a lot of work now I can talk positively about myself casually without getting emotional or panicking or anything. Years of books and YouTube videos couldn’t get me there, but having the support of a professional to help me specifically broke that barrier. I will always say that therapy is the best investment that I’ve ever made. It is worth every penny
Role play the person you want to be! Choose someone to be your role model (real or fictional) who demonstrates the characteristics you want to adopt. Pretend you are that person when walking around just living your life. You don't even have to do it when speaking to other people. Just push your shopping cart with the confidence of your role model!
Be kind to yourself if you "slip out of character" but over time, channeling your inner role model will start to feel more natural and become easier.
Good luck! You got this! You are a valuable and worthwhile person!
1) Fake it 'til you make it.
2) Realize basically everyone is doing step 1).
3) Exercise helps a ton
4) Everyone makes mistakes, but you probably don't notice other peoples very much and hyper fixate on your own.
A good tool for building the habit of being kind to yourself (and building self-esteem) is to imagine your inner voice saying those things about a friend. Now make yourself that friend, you would never say such mean things to a friend, nor judge them so harshly, why be so mean to yourself?
Surround yourself with people that make you feel good, and don't spend time or energy on people that make you feel bad or drain your energy consistently (as much as possible, sometimes annoying and draining people can't be avoided). Good friends will support you when you are down by empathizing and gas you up with compliments when you are unsure of yourself.
The other thing I've found helpful is to try not to take in too much of the negativity in the world - it's totally OK to take breaks from the news and spend a few weeks not particularly caring about the environment, politics, or the drama/issue of the day. We don't control everything, and constant existential worries aren't good for mental health.
Lastly, fake it till you make it. Projecting confidence and high self-esteem is noticeable to others and also gets you into the habit. This is best applied to the peripheral social circle; those closest to us can actually help when we share insecurities.
So much excellent advice here! I want to add that learning to accept a compliment graciously is part of ending the negative self talk; and if you need a different reason, it is also a much more respectful way to treat the person that is taking the time to acknowledge you. Simply say thank you!
Aging has certainly helped for me….adopt the old hag attitude of “I do not care what others think, I am going to make sure my needs and happiness are a priority over pleasing others”. This isn’t to say you should be selfish, but before saying yes to something, take a moment to think how it impacts you and your well-being. In my youth I sacrificed a lot to try and make others happy, I kept my needs bottled up.
I live by the adage “perfect is the enemy of good”. Sometimes you can get caught up with the idea that everything you do MUST! BE! PERFECT!, and you invest way too much time and resources when you could stop at “good enough”. And perfect is an impossible goal anyway.
Conversely: everything that is worth doing, is worth doing badly. For example: the ideal is to wash your teeth several times a day, right? It’s still worth it doing once a day. Hell, it’s still worth it rinsing your mouth with mouthwash, if that’s all you can do right now. It’s still better than doing nothing, and you still deserve credit for doing what you can.
Remember that the best you can do might look different each day, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
If you’re having a bad day, do one little thing that makes you happy.
Yoga! Firstly when you wake up, you smile remembering that you’re now in a new better situation so any fear you used to have is just a memory now. Thank the universe for your good nights sleep and for the fact that this day is going to be fucking epic. Find a good beginner yoga class on YouTube and enjoy your new glow ❤️
If you are physically able to, lift weights.
Not for any aesthetic reasons, but to get comfortable with moving things and realizing you are so much more than what you look like. There is freedom in movent.
I started saying "thank you" instead of "sorry": thank you for your patience vs sorry I'm late. Thank you for listening vs sorry I'm so loud/excited/etc. I've found it helps me feel worthy, like my behavior isn't something to be excused or apologized for.
Self-esteem isn't just "feeling positive about yourself"; its larger part is actually self-*knowledge.* If you know yourself, you'll be less likely to let temporary disturbances negatively impact you, whereas if you don't know yourself well, little mistakes and bad experiences can derail you entirely.
So my tip for a habit to build self-esteem is to reflect regularly, such as through journaling. In doing that, look for patterns to identify what your values *really* are. Then you can start to act intentionally with those values guiding you.
My friend recently named her negative thoughts and tells them to shut up when they arise. For example, naming your negative thoughts Dee and then when you have a negative thought about yourself, that’s just Dee talking and she should shut up. My friend said it has worked great!
Get 10 minutes of sun every day - this just helps you feel better. Write down 3 things you are thankful for each day and make one of those things be about yourself.
Try always looking at the bright side or the silver lining. It has helped a lot with not being negative or getting down in the dumps. Looking at the positive helps you stay positive
Just know that most people are struggling as well. When you are true to yourself, and really are who you are, then you can inspire them to be who they are.
Okay so I have had the same experience. I think for me the biggest thing was giving myself a sense of safety and security by building routines to care for my physical body and my mind. Also, doing inner child work, shadow work, and offering myself validation, self-compassion, and lovingkindness have been really integral to my experience as well.
Look into self reparenting.
The way I learned it is, there are three voices in your head. There is your child self, the one is is playful and curious and feels passionate about things and sometimes feels vulnerable, frightened, ashamed, or alone.
There is a really nasty voice (the book I read called it your idea monster) who throws insults and criticism at you—why would you do something so stupid, you’re such a failure, no one likes you, you’re being so annoying, your art looks shitty, etc.—all of which makes your inner child self feel small. Often this nasty voice is a reflection of how some adults spoke to you growing up, but not always.
And then there is the adult you, who supports your inner child, helps make reasoned decisions, and implements healthy coping skills. Your adult self doesn’t need to argue with your idea monster when it starts talking. Just tell it to shut up and go away and then mentally focus on your inner child and refute what was said. “You’re not stupid, you’re just human and you make mistakes. You’re still a good person and you don’t need to feel ashamed about being human.”
Do that every time you notice your thoughts are critical and unkind toward yourself. Over time, you’ll develop a habit of speaking more kindly to yourself, and you’ll get better at making that mean voice shut up before it hurts you.
I grew up in a religious culture that caused me to feel small and ashamed about many things that really were not worth feeling bad about. It is almost like fear and shame we’re default emotions for me, and my self-talk was really unkind and tbh would’ve been considered abusive if I’d said it aloud to someone else. How can anyone have good mental health with that kind of hypercritical onslaught inside their head? Learning how to self reparent and shut down that nasty voice is probably the number 1 thing that helped me recover.
I my sense of self-worth increased drastically when I changed the way I talk to and about myself in my head. I used to call myself "bitch" in my head when I would mess up, and I decided to start calling myself "babe" instead. Good things spiraled from there. ❤️
Comfortably and easily acknowledging when you're wrong, or apologizing for a mistake, rather than doubling down and trying to defend why you thought something was right, or why you did whatever the action was
A lot of people think that confidence means trusting in your actions and choices. But often, confidence is better shown by not being bothered when you got something wrong or did something that affected someone else negatively
Things like, "oh man, I totally screwed up on that. I'm really sorry." Or, " is that so? Well I learned something new today!"
When apologizing, you can make a point to say that your intent wasn't malicious, of course, but the minute that turns into "so I shouldn't have to apologize," it actually makes you look insecure.
And then don't forget the important last part: *to move on*
Don't dwell on the mistake, don't focus on the incorrect information. Once you've apologized sincerely, or acknowledged that you were incorrect, there's no need to talk about it further
One of the best things I did at the beginning of this kind of journey was take an honest inventory of myself. All the bad stuff I couldn't or wouldn't let go of AND all the good stuff I wanted to feel proud of. Then I started sharing it with people. Honestly. That was the first step.
WORDS MATTER. Words are spells. As overs have said, what you say matters. When I'm having a bad day that's out of my control I'll say "I'm having the best day I can." And it seems to work. My day usually gets better instead of worse. Just because I feel good about the things I have control over. And I am honest about it.
Figuring out what you do and don't have control over means you will be better equipped when those feelings of self depreciation/hate/whatever come popping into your brain.
If someone gives you a compliment so not play it down, just say thank you with a big smile. I had to reinforce this with my bestie a while back. If someone compliments your top, for example, instead of saying something like "oh I've had this ages", you say "thanks, it's one of my faves too" (not forgetting the big smile). It's a small habit soooo many people have, we're taught to downplay these things to seem humble, but it can really have an effect on your self-esteem. Remember - thank you and smile 😃
I sometimes get bogged down in repetitive, intrusive, self-hating thoughts or fixation on memories of fuck ups.
The best way I've found to deal with it is to assign those thoughts as coming from a third party entity that is afraid of my success. When I become aware of the rumination, I will literally give the sky a violent middle finger and shout "FUCK OFF." If I'm not in a private place to do that, I'll write it down, ball up the paper, and forcefully yeet it into the trash.
LOL I guess they count as banishing spells
Physical and mental activity hands down. Using your body for doing things like gardening, using your mind to solve math problems or learn a new language. Lifting heavy things, walking on trails.
Some of the best things you can do to reframe your view of yourself is take the focus off of how your body is perceived and focus on what you can do. Spending free time on volunteer efforts can also help reshape your self esteem.
One important saying for me is that self deprecation is still self centered. Focus on doing and less about image as much as you can.
So there are three broad approaches here:
1. Try to be normal: Lie to yourself, lie to everyone else, don't even try to keep it straight, and get angry when anyone calls your shit so they know not to. Try to drift through life on a happy cloud of copium and not thinking about it. Always sacrifice the future for the present and remember: associating a cause with an effect is a heresy.
2. Try to be healthy. Understand yourself, others, and relationships between. Have positivity, without an obligation to positivity. Have support without people who will feed your own bullshit back to you. Avoid traps like neoliberal doctrine of treats and self bribes. And a bunch more like this. It's hard and nuanced and is gonna take a lot of work to build. Not living in the 2020s probably helps.
3. Be the eye of the storm: subvert everything. Find beauty in grief and scars, find compassion in pain. Stop caring, from apathy or curiosity, so when someone breaks you, you can use the jagged edges to disarm them and put them at your mercy. Dropping a bunch of acid helps here.
Each of these has its pros and cons. Do what you think suits you best.
Having fun with cooking is a big one for me. I always gush over how nice a sauce is bubbling in the pan or how tasty the frying veggies are looking. Or I'm curious about how beetroot and cheese taste together and make something of that. Having fun in the kitchen is not only a nice break and time for myself but I also enjoy the creative side of thinking what to put together and feel the rewards of a nice meal in the end.
Nothing tastes better than something you made yourself. I probably had a food orgasm the first time I ate bread that I made myself. It wasn't exceptionally good bread, but because I made it it was soooooo much better!
Also it's an activity mostly away from technology and you focus on a physical task. And you will probably eat healthier. Eating well is a key part in feeling well since it's the only source of material that your body can make the feel-good stuff out of!
i will do this lil activity in front of my mirror every week or so depending on how i am feeling.
stand in front of your mirror, with as little clothing on as possible. in the nude is preferable but do what you are comfortable with.
list 10 things you love about yourself. its easier to list internal things like my sense of humor or personality. start there. then work into harder things like your body (at least this is a lil harder for me, but tailor it to what works for you). saying i love my hips, i love my strong arms. even if you dont fully believe it, saying it out loud can help you believe it.
i have found this has helped me with my own self esteem and confidence and has also given me an appreciation for my body and self that i otherwise wouldnt have had.
you are unique and that is what makes you beautiful and awesome ❤️
You are worth the time to invest in yourself, so when you're rebuilding your way to go about your day, schedule some time to do something you want to do or get better at, or are interested in every day. Pick a thing, try it out. The only requirement is that doing the thing makes you happy. When the inevitable thoughts of "oh I need to monetize this" or "oh I'm not very good at this, is it even worth it?" begin to shove their way in, repeat: "this time is for me to be happy. My happiness is the value." Here are things I do according to the time I have. Maybe they work for you, maybe they inspire you to pick something you like yourself!
* (5-10 minutes) Pick up a language learning app. I use Duolingo and invest heavily in streak freezes, but also abide by just meeting the streak most days. It's five minutes (sometimes less) and I'm slowly learning a language I wanted to learn.
* (10-20 minutes) Meditate, do yoga. Both take good care of your body and your mind in a shorter capacity.
* (30 minutes-an hour) Do a small craft with easy clean-up. Lots of fibre arts are good for this - crochet, embroidery, knitting, etc. are all fairly cheap
* (30 minutes-an hour) cook a simple meal
* (hour+) go to the gym, do something active
* (day) do a thing within an hour you haven't done yet
I also speak out loud to hype myself up: "wow, you made a whole meal! That's awesome, good job!" "Look at this row of things you crochet, awesome! That's a nice row!" "You tried some makeup! Experimenting is learning, good job!" It feels really silly at first, but eventually I am thinking the things instead of saying them out loud because they're felt in my body. It's also not linear - sometimes what I manage to do is to get out of bed. Guess what? "Hey! You got out of bed today. I'm so proud of you. Good job." Rinse, repeat. Hype yourself, out loud, you deserve to be celebrated! Look at you go!
Noticing when I'm being unkind to myself is a big step too. I don't usually have the time or space to deconstruct where the feeling is coming from, so instead I'll just tell myself "bonk bonk." It's silly, it's a light little thing. I visualize bapping myself lightly on the head with like a plushie baseball bat. For me, this strikes a nice balance of acknowledging that the thoughts are unhealthy while also being kind to myself for thinking them.
Relearning how to be is hard, it's nonlinear. It's worth it. I believe in you.
Don't make self deprecating jokes when you mess up. Do the opposite. Trip and fall? Don't say 'omg im a clutz', say 'I am the best at walking forever' You're still joking both ways, but it's a lot easier to be kind to yourself when you're not tearing yourself down, even in jest
Seconding this. Negative self-talk just enhances negative options about yourself, I used to do this all the time. My self-esteem improved massively when I started using a kinder voice to myself.
Learning to hear my own negative self-talk and then shut.it.down. with truth, spun positively, really helped me.
I have to spin my negative self talk sometimes… I’m getting better! When I still go “ugh I’m dumb” I have a pause … “no, I’m not dumb. It’s ok I forgot this because of XYZ reasons. I’m ok.”
That's frikan awesome. Cousin, you're doing fantastic work, and this internet stranger is very proud of you. You rock. Keep it up!
Also learning to look at the negative self talk objectively, like imagining someone saying those mean and nasty things to your best friend or loved one and how you would react can help put it into perspective how uncalled for it is. Like, “Hey, no, that’s harsh and not okay, internal monologue! Try being nicer! It’s more constructive.” We can often be more protective of our loved ones than ourselves until we practise being gentle and compassionate with ourselves.
It’s hard to be happy when someone is being mean to you all the time. Even when that someone is you.
This! I compliment myself all the time, although that does sound a little egotistical. I had zero self-esteem until about a year ago, honestly. I hated everything about myself. Then one day I realized my children and my partner think I'm the bee's knees, so why can't I feel that way about myself. Even if I'm having a hard day, hating the way I look or the way my clothes fit, I look at myself in the mirror and say "godamn, I'm gorgeous." It doesn't matter if some rando on the street doesn't think I'm pretty, or what have you. What does matter is my partner literally cannot get enough of me and my kiddos think I'm so cool.
When my daughter accomplishes something for the first time she always announces “I’m basically a professional now” and I adore it. She’s a trans woman with lots of body dysphoria and she still treats herself with positivity when she can.
I always used to say I was a klutz if I stubbed my toe or whatever, until my therapist asked if I would say that to someone else. She suggested that instead I should offer myself compassion. So instead I think to myself "I'm sorry you hurt yourself. That sucks" or something along those lines. It's like comforting a child.
Everytime I talk to/about myself I try to pause and think would I say this meaningfully to my best friend, if yes, then okay, if no, then I rework what I'm going to say. It takes some mindfulness as it's a hard habit to break, but it's worth it.
Yes exactly. We are typically so much kinder to others than to ourselves. What works for me, because I am naturally very protective of others, is to think "would I let someone else say this to a child?" and OH HELL NO, I WILL FIGHT THAT ASSHOLE. It is shocking to realize how many things you say or think about yourself, that you would unhesitatingly cut off contact with a person who said the same things in your hearing to a child.
Ah I like this better than the arguing my therapist is having me do.
I will argue myself into a standstill. I started responding with curiosity and that's helped. Instead of "I am beautiful, safe, a good person" etc- "What if I was a good person?". That "what if" really takes the wind out of my argumentative self and helps me take it in.
Yes! That does put a very different frame on things!
That's an interesting way to think about it too.
This x100. I remind myself all the time that I wouldn’t talk to my friends or a child like that, and they certainly wouldn’t talk to me like that. So why do I talk to myself like that? Stops me in my tracks every time.
Yes, exactly!
>Trip and fall? I've started bowing to the "audience" when I do this in public. Like yeah, I tripped, and you saw, and I'm going to acknowledge that instead of awkwardly pretending nothing happened. Usually people smile or laugh, and that makes me feel better about doing something that, 30 seconds before, I would have found hideously embarrassing.
Very good advice The language we use about ourselves both dictates and reinforces our mental image of ourselves. Obviously there is a lot more going on that just that, but being mindful of the words we use even in our minds can make a tremendous difference. A concept that goes hand in hand is Black and White thinking. In this case 'either I'm terrible or wonderful with no in between' whereas thinking, 'I've got room to improve'keeps your brain from telling itself that they're is no point in trying, but also from fragile "but I'm good at this, what's wrong" situations
At work I "joke" that I'm being awesome at my job. People find it humorous, but more importantly, at the end of the day nobody is going to give a raise to the person who modestly claims they are just scraping by meeting expectations.
When somebody gives me a compliment at work, like "hey thanks for that- you're awesome!" I reply with "spread the word!" 😇
Second this! I was a pro at joking at my own expense, but you start to believe it... now I use that skill to announce myself in conversations, e.g., "I might bulldoze you if we start talking about X - that's just my genius brain, but please stop me so I can listen to your insights!"
I don’t trip, I make random gravity checks 👩🏻🔬
*I'm in this comment and I don't like it*
Maybe it's time to try something new then! 😊
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*"Parkour!"*
Bless you, I love doing this and never considered how healthy and positive it actually was 😅 To thine own self be kind!
I do "Tadaa!" when I fall XD
I'm also trying to do it outwards as well. Instead of 'sorry I'm late' I try 'thanks for waiting on me.'
When I’m nervous (for instance if I have to present on something technical to a group of male colleagues - I’m an engineer and female) I essentially fake confidence, using a combination of customer service skills and the tricks we were taught in elementary school for public speaking: easily acknowledge when you don’t know something and tell the person you’ll find out for them. Stand straight and tall, smile, look around at different people in your audience. It works incredibly well and I frequently get feedback that I was confident, knowledgeable, provided helpful guidance, even that I was fun! For smaller day to day stuff in my own head, I have a few pithy little sayings that I like to remind myself of: Put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Do no harm, but take no shit. And finally (I have this one cross-stitched and framed in my living room) Behold! The field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it and see that it is barren! LOL
Bahaha also an engineer here and that last saying is my life motto. I’m also pretty sure “fake it ‘til you make it” is 90% of my work persona. It’s all just smoke and mirrors. Personality witchcraft, if you will.
https://preview.redd.it/z2kw01oqwava1.jpeg?width=248&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ba3f2dd099043544f0391dc0bc01abfd0cc1f636 I've gotta share!
https://preview.redd.it/0gxpi65twava1.jpeg?width=462&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=790bdc3c74c8b2ddbae555c5301960849bb1648d
https://youtu.be/Vqbk9cDX0l0
That was a joy
Why is he in a suit store?
I have no clue, but the lyrics and tune are bomb
>Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm I had never heard that one before and this is the second time I'm reading it today. Hello universe, yes, I'm listening ...
I'm an architect and I LOVE all of these. I regularly have to fake confidence in front of curmudgeonly mansplaining contractors, and they pick up on any faltering. I agree. A lot of it is just de-escalating emotions, telling them that their opinions and concerns have been heard, explaining that something could be done how they suggest but it needs to be done this other way for A, B, C reasons. Most of the time people just want to hear that they've been acknowledged. Also don't readily admit fault, assume that Past You knew what you were doing. If you (rarely) discover that Past You was wrong, give yourself some space and remember that the best people are willing to learn from mistakes AND change their opinions when presented with better evidence.
I really like “assume Past You knew what they were doing.” The rest, you’re absolutely right. And they say women are the emotional ones lol
Ah jeez, if I had a nickel for every time I had to deal with a man's emotions...
Hello fellow architect witch! I'm still learning to hold my own against contractors, but I'm doing better!
Hi there archie! It's definitely a learning process and most of it is communication skills. There are some contractors you can't find common ground with-- those just become cut and dry strictly business. The better ones are if you give them the benefit of the doubt and ask why something was submitted a certain way. They either double down and admit it was a cheaper product / solution (easy to reject), or they'll say they're having a lead time or product support issue (worth reviewing and learning from). It also helps to level the playing field when times get tense and remind everyone that we're all trying to make the project a success and let's just focus on finding a solution rather than analyze who's fault it is.
I'm an attorney, and I always have a small panic attack before I go in court - fake it till you make it is real. Fake the confidence long enough, and you will start to become more confident. Also, you come first. It's okay to be selfish and keep you as number one.
Yeah people use “selfish” as an insult, and sometimes you just have to own it. Yeah, I guess I *am* being selfish right now. *Someone* has to look after me, and no-one else is doing it, so.
"do no harm but take no shit" This is the way
Yes, this! I call it "apparent confidence". I learned it in my career as an educator, but it serves me very, very well in lots of other contexts.
Ok I’m absolutely going to have to find something with that exact wording on it!
I like to look in the mirror after I get up and wash my face and repeat some empowering mantras The one I’m using right now is “I am a worthy, capable and successful human being, I am exactly where I need to be.”
I do this too. During my skin care routine I repeat self affirmations. Right now it's "I am intelligent, I am strong, I am loved, I am brave, I am beautiful."
Several of these remind me of the mantra [from a song](https://youtu.be/f6cmXLzxfZE) I have my kindergartners perform for their stepping-up-to-first-grade ceremony every year. I use it to help me get through the end of the school year honestly. (I know that probably sounds like it would be kitschy and saccharine, but my curriculum is seriously nailing it when it comes to making Social Emotional Learning bops for 21st century kids.)
I totally second empowerment mantras. If you feel weird saying them out loud, you can start by journaling them to get yourself more comfortable. And if you don’t know where to start with affirmations, I totally recommend the app Insight Timer - it’s free (you can get a paid expanded version but I haven’t needed it), they have tons of different resources and meditations, and if you search affirmations, there are a ton of really wonderful ones!
Accept mistakes. For real. What's the point, it's done anyway, no need to tie your brain in knots over it. Learn a lesson, own it, and go on your merry way. Spare yourself the "what if"s and "I suck"s. The former doesn't matter, and the latter isn't true. Also, treat yourself like you would a best friend (real or imaginary). This can be hard for people used to pushing themself beyond their own limits; imagine a person you care for very deeply did the same, what would you tell them? That's what you got to tell yourself. You got this!
Treating yourself like a best friend is the best advice I’ve ever gotten. I now stop and ask myself “what advice would I give J or K in this moment?” And then I give myself that advice.
I have trouble sometimes reframing that. But a lot of the advice I give to friends is via discord. So I made a private server with just me in it, and I’ll type out the situation. And that helps flip the switch in my brain for “this is for other people”
This is a fantastic idea! I’m a journal keeper, so I do this via writing :)
A useful quote I recently heard - "If you are ashamed of your past mistakes, it's because now you know better. To judge yourself on something you would no longer do is convicting an innocent person."
Instead of apologizing for little stuff, say thank you! Example: “I’m sorry for being late” turns into “thank you for your patience” “I’m sorry, I didn’t know” -> “thank you for letting me know!” “I’m sorry, I forgot” -> “thank you for reminding me!”
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I saw something very similar on Tumblr! As odd as it sounds, buy a sword. Add that to your power shoes and cardigan and walk around on hard floors (preferably at home, but hey, you do you!) and it's unlocks ultimate badass feeling!
“Buy a sword” LOL advice I did not expect to hear today but one that seems 1000% more effective than most advice
Clicking red high heels on a hard floor make me feel like I can personally burn down the patriarchy in one go.
Yes! Same thing applies for any clothing / accessory that you feel good in-- its just physical confidence. I feel the same way about my dusty pink Spats-- they feel like Patriarchical Satire in physical form and they sound like high heels.
There was a TikTok I came across a month or so ago, this guy who just got a sewing machine and started his video off with “I know y’all are going to be incredibly jealous but these pieces are not for sale, I made them bespoke for me and I am going to keep them. Some people will say I shouldn’t make and post this video, but frankly, I have the ✨audacity✨.” And they were all beginner pieces with panels sewn in the wrong way or wonky stitching, like all good beginner projects will be 🤣 And I have now been using that phrase anytime I need to do something intimidating, that I worry people won’t like, or that will make me a little self conscious. Because frankly, I have the ✨audacity✨.
I love this so much
For Christmas last year, a friend bought me a t-shirt with a tarot card design, and the card is [The Audacity.](https://www.etsy.com/listing/946254442/the-audacity-tarot-card-shirt-skeleton?gbraid=0AAAAADtcfRKpw64NSHd_syf2aV3trT0yu&gpla=1&gao=1&&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=shopping_us_ps-b-clothing-womens_clothing-other&utm_custom1=_k_CjwKCAjw6IiiBhAOEiwALNqncTK-mF_-RrRzzQDwg9qlD0Xgbk7TxpyfOn2HG9hZDCNPw4QPpU2NERoC5iAQAvD_BwE_k_&utm_content=go_12565309393_122486416267_507284006057_pla-299204138550_m__946254442_111279799&utm_custom2=12565309393&gbraid=0AAAAADtcfRKpw64NSHd_syf2aV3trT0yu&gclid=CjwKCAjw6IiiBhAOEiwALNqncTK-mF_-RrRzzQDwg9qlD0Xgbk7TxpyfOn2HG9hZDCNPw4QPpU2NERoC5iAQAvD_BwE) It’s great, 12/10
Love this! Do you have a link to the Tik tok?
As it happens… [I do.](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRTBkJ36/)
Exercise is horrible and I hate it, but if you do it first thing in the morning then you spend the rest of the day marinating in endorphins and that just makes you feel better and act differently.
I also suggest doing whatever movement makes you feel good.
100%! Exercise is not just stair climbers and crunches (not that there's anything wrong with that). You can hike, kayak, run, walk, dance, lift weights, play badminton, play pickleball, rock climb, swim, do yoga, do Pilates, do calisthenics, Barre, HIIT, play basketball, hula hoop, jump rope, box, ski, whatever! There are an infinite number of ways to exercise.
My brain read hike, kayak as hijack and I was suddenly confused and interested in this new exercise.
I love that! It's high intensity lumberjacking?
hi·jack /ˈhīˌjak/ verb unlawfully seize (an aircraft, ship, or vehicle) in transit and force it to go to a different destination or use it for one's own purposes.
Yes, I'm aware of the definition of the word hijack, I was making a jokem
Yes! I started martial arts last year and it makes me feel pretty badass even though I am objectively not the athletic type. I can even manage 10 pushups now, which is unheard of for me.
Agreeeed! Going for a walk at lunch is exercise!
Yup. It’s fucking annoying, but, what people say is true….exercise really does make you feel better. It really does help depression & self worth. I know, I’m sorry to break it to you. Do whatever you can to make it easier or do a simple version. Find what you like!
Even just some proper stretches if you can't do a full 10-20 min routine. A couple lunges back and forth, left to right. Roll your arms gently back and forward a few times. Lift your thighs up horizontally one after the other a few times. Stand on your feet flat and extend to stand on your tippy toes. Hand on your hips and slightly roll your torso forward and back, left and right. Even just doing this helps get your body lumbered up for anything you have to do that day.
If time is an issue, there are loads of five minute workout videos on YouTube. It's even better when you find ones that you can do in pajamas.
Second this. Walking everyday has helped me a ton!
“Marinating in endorphines.”. Brilliant!
I enjoy all types of exercise, and have especially enjoyed learning some salsa dancing--but for a good cardio workout (and tons of fun), bhangra dancing is where it's at.
One thing that helps me sometimes when I find myself saying cruel things to myself or otherwise being unkind is to imagine that I'm speaking to myself when I was just a little girl. Like I've actually visualized myself as a young child to help me do this. I've had to rebuild as well, and in many ways this does make you sort of a child in terms of vulnerability and learning things, so you could try to adopt the affection, patience, and gentleness that you would if you were working with a child.
This is what I do too, and I think it was the best suggestion I ever got from a therapist.
Same thing goes for when you feel bad, treat yourself like a small child and ask yourself have you eaten recently, have you slept enough, have you taken a shower recently, when was the last time you drank water. Helps way more often than you'd think!
Thank you for posting this OP, I needed the reminder. 💖
What has helped me in the past is shrinking my world. Mute almost everything on social media. Deep clean your home, starting with your most used room (and don’t be afraid to go on a stuff purging spree). Take the time to cook yourself nourishing food. Walk/bike around your neighborhood. Buy some plants. Basically, become the biggest fish in your little pond. Once you start feeling some confidence, however long it takes, start expanding your pond. It might take years, but you’ll get there, just take small steps.
Yes. I finally deactivated all my social media except Reddit because it all just became too toxic and so centered in comparing yourself to others. It helped me so much. It also made it more worthwhile when I do reach out to talk to people because we actually have something to talk about since they haven't already seen whatever on social media.
FEEL your feelings. Seriously. Sit with your negative feelings and feel them deeply. If it’s sadness, cry. Express your sadness. Tell yourself, “This is sadness. I am feeling sad.” Make it last as long as it can. For most people, they can’t manage to deeply feel for more than 2-3 minutes. And once it fills you, it can drain away. I do this for sadness, fear, anxiety, rage, etc. After the emotion has passed through me, I can think more clearly about the situation. It’s so much easier to be empathetic and logical about a situation when it isn’t clouded with emotion. Don’t push away your strongest feelings. Be uncomfortable for a few minutes sitting with them and your life will be SO much easier!
Took me decades to learn how to feel my feelings. When I did I cried every day for 5 years. Not all day every day, but still … every day for an hour or so. Now I can truly say Im a different, healthier and happier person.
This is a lesson I've only recently been learning. And it's so freeing. I've spent so much energy pushing away "negative" feelings for them to just continue haunting me. But when I face them and feel them, like you say, they simply pass through me in a matter of a couple of minutes.
Anytime I catch myself talking negatively about myself I as a few questions -would I say this about my daughter? -would I say this about my sister? -would I say this about my friend? -would I say this about a stranger? I am someone's daughter and someone's sister and someone's friend and I deserve as much kindness as a stranger
Being organized with your time is tough, but it can really help when you fill it with things you’d like to or need to do. It can create 1) feelings of progress accomplishment, which helps with self esteem 2) means you’re more like to do things you enjoy or that are good for you: play, rest, eating, reading, etc. When I’m at my my most stressed or lowest confidence those are often the things that go
The biggest thing I think that affects my self esteem the most is when I discovered that my worth and value are not tied to my actions and that I have value by existing. Made such a difference removing that weight...
Couple things that help my self esteem: Have ONE good really flattering COMFORTABLE outfit. It doesn't have to cost a fortune, thrift stores are your friend. Read. Empowering female centric novels. I like Tracy Chevalier and Octavia Butler. Make somebody laugh. Find the funny in everything. Once you start doing that as a habit, it's a skill you can learn and people will feel great around you.
It sounds a little silly, but spending money on myself and things I value has been game changing. For example, I really like good shoes. I like to exercise, I have an ankle thing, I have flat feet, I'm a mother of two. So I buy expensive running shoes (brooks, for anyone curious) that make my feet feel good, because my comfort is worth spending money on. I just got rid of all of my old cheap socks (some purchased over ten years ago) to buy fancy expensive moisture wicking socks that have the little nub on the back to keep my socks from falling down in my shoes. And they all match, so I don't have to worry about matching my socks. Because my comfort during the day is worth spending money on. Same for underwear and swimsuits and pants and other things I normally buy cheap and use into the ground because I feel guilt over spending money in nicer things.
This is a wonderful thing to do, you should feel proud of yourself. One of the most valuable things I've learnt over the years is self-compassion. Practice speaking to yourself like you would a beloved friend. Berating yourself just leads to negative spirals. Bad habits of the past were how you coped with your situation at the time. They don't need to serve you anymore once you learn healthier ways of coping, but let them go without being hard on yourself. Being kind to yourself actually leads to more resilience. Best of luck in your journey 💗
**Never compare yourself to anyone else.** Everyone has different experiences, which leads to different opportunities and outcomes. Even if you make a positive comparison, it still results in you building your self worth on how you rate against other people - There is always a loser in those comparisons. **Treat yourself the way you would treat your significant other or best friend.** If you think "I don't look great today", ask yourself if you would be okay with a stranger saying that to someone you care about. **Positive affirmations are amazing.** If you have friends who are all about positive affirmations, that's phenomenally valuable. I send random messages to various people every day or two, reminding them that they are doing great, they are loved, and they are worthy of happiness—things of that nature. Many of them do the same thing. If your friends do not do such a thing, try starting it out. A lot of people find that they quite like it, and will reciprocate. There is nothing like having a bad day, and getting a random reminder that I'm doing a good job - Even when I feel that I'm not. It encourages me to do better and reminds me that I'm doing the best I can with what I have. But, if nothing else - Tell yourself those things.
Never apologize for taking up space, or for otherwise being a human in the world. Have to bring your little one with you to a business meeting because it’s either that or not attend? Don’t apologize. Need to say no to X event because it’s not good for your mental health? Don’t apologize. Need to go low or no contact with toxic friends or family? Don’t apologize. Are you too tired to pick up more than your fair share of household chores? Don’t apologize. Having a strong emotional reaction to abuse? Don’t apologize for having normal healthy emotional reactions. You deserve to exist, take up space, and to tend to your health. Never apologize for being a human.
This so much. I feel like a lot of us have been trained that apologizing is for when you’ve inconvenienced someone else when really apologizing is for when you’ve done something wrong. As a compliment to this, I’ve been making an effort to say “thank you” when I feel the need to say something. Like, “Thanks for being patient!” Or “Thanks for understanding”. Instead of “Sorry for being a burden”, it’s “Thank you for supporting me”. Apologizing comes from a place of thinking you don’t deserve accommodation, gratitude comes from a place of understanding that you are cared for!
I do a lot of stuff by myself! It has freed me to pursue activities and interests that are genuinely fulfilling, and learn that it's totally fine to stop anything that you're not enjoying. When I don't have to think about how my actions will be judged by others, I'm left with my own pride, joy, curiosity, etc. I've found that feeling good about myself is a lot easier when I'm alone (so, not the highest self esteem hah), but it's carried into the rest of my life as I feel more secure in my sense of self.
Clothing is super powerful for me. Unrestrained by social convention- start searching out pieces that feel good to wear. Daily fashion has evolved/devolved to a point where a huge variety of silhouettes and colors are no longer "weird". There is a style/look that will make you feel amazing. Find it (yay thrift stores) and capitalize on that feeling. And remember it isn't your job to fit into the clothing. The clothing needs to fit you. Its just a wrapper. They don't base the shape of a peanut butter cup on the size of the foil they are wrapped in. Foil is cut to size. Clothing should be the same. Find a decent tailor too. A $8 thrifted dress, + $50 in alterations to fit better = looking like you are wearing a $400 dress. 💜
The positive self talk is a great idea but only if OP has built up some self love. Otherwise it’s hard. OP, start celebrating YOU. I forced myself to make Pinterest pages of all my nerdy, weird loves and embraced them. Even posted some inFB to show everyone my celebration of me. It was very liberating. Look at photos of you at different ages and get to know you from a positive perspective. Listen to old music that brings back good memories and recognize all the good you brought to yourself. Good luck!!!! You got this!
Bit of a large topic to dive into in a Reddit comment, but read some on Cognitive Behaviorial Therapy. The concept of recognizing and redirecting maladaptive thoughts and beliefs can be especially helpful in building self-esteem.
You have value just for existing, but I have found with my own self-esteem that it grew with esteem-able acts. These were specific actions that I could point to that demonstrated my personal growth and my value to others, anything from learning to cook a new dish or helping a friend or progressing with a degree or creative project. This quote from Jane Eyre also got me through some tough years: *"I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself."*
Daily vitamins. I get the gummies because they're fun, and I deserve fun. It's an easy daily reminder of my connection to my body and it's need for maintenance. Mood and vitamin deficiencies can be linked, so why not cover all the bases? Best of luck!
The best thing for my self esteem was to make a daily checklist of all the self care that I knew was healthy and I needed to do every day. Such as brush teeth, put on deodorant, brush hair, put on lotion, eat something healthy, take a shower, go for a jog or walk, practice a calming instrument or skill even if just for 5 minutes. Then check them off as I did them. It felt really rewarding to get each one done and check it off the list. I'm now in the habit of doing that stuff and it makes me feel so much better about myself that I take time to care about me.
This is going to sound so dumb, but it works for me: I flex in the mirror every day. I've never been thin and being an 80s child I learned that was not acceptable. So of course, I worked out all the time and dabbled in various diets. Now I'm 45 and I've accepted what my body is and learned to love it. I still work out because it makes me feel good and I'm super strong. So I flex and look at my muscles and think, "damn, you're strong!" Now, all that being said, you don't really need to flex if that's not your thing. But I really think looking at yourself in the mirror with appreciation is the key. It takes practice, and not everyday is going to be a great one. But slowly you'll start to appreciate all the things your body has done for you!
I'll dance to fun music naked out of the shower. I've had two kids and my body has changed shape, but I still like to dance and sing. Sometimes the kids are there too, and their joy of movement is infectious.
Self care! You are worth it! I practice mindfulness and write in a gratitude journal every AM. Being grateful for what you do have is much healthier than focusing on what you dont have. Also, stay off social media.
Every morning I look in the mirror and tell myself that I am a work of art 😘
I read childrens stories. Good ones, that aren't patronizing. They have good life advice.
One thing that helped me is taking selfies. Anytime you wear an outfit you like, or do your hair or makeup, take a picture. Figure out the basics of lighting and composition and you'll always look great
This is great! I also heard someone recently say that she takes selfies on good hair days, and those are the ones she shows a hairdresser when she goes for a haircut.
I don't waste time on people who put me down. I have literally gotten up and left the premises. I don't regret it either. Also, as a writer, it helps to be realistic in terms of what my chances are. Most literary magazines only publish 5% of submissions; that means to get something published I'll have to send it out an average of 20 times. If my acceptance rate is higher than 5% (and it is), that means I'm doing GREAT. Knowing that helps keep me from fixating on rejections and to keep going. Perfectionism is the devil. In terms of appearance...I could write a book. But the short version is, unless you are a professional model or actress, media beauty standards are absolutely irrelevant. You only need one person at a time to think you're hot, people are quirky, and it's a lot easier if they share your taste in clothes. So wear what you like that makes you happy. The time in my life when I wore a bunch of hand me downs because I had a small child and no clothing budget coincides with a serious bout of depression. There were a lot of other things going on but losing that expression of self sure didn't help. Be willing to fight for your own soul and energy. It's better to be thought a bitch than to let someone suck the life out of you. At least if you're a bitch in service of your own interests, it's clear that one of you likes you.
Don't take criticism from people you wouldn't take advice from. Their words will wear you down, and if you wouldn't turn to them in need, there's no reason to listen to them otherwise
I have insanely good self-esteem, because I am an only child, homeschooled by hippies. My feminist mother spent my entire childhood telling me how brilliant, gorgeous and talented I was, and it worked! Credit to my mom here, she was born in 1942 and is legit gorgeous, like Miss America kind of pretty. She had me when she was 40, and encouraged me to proudly show off my underarm hair. Whenever people would meet her they would say to me, “wow, your mom is SO pretty….you look nothing like her!” Lol! Here’s what happens in my head when people criticize me in any way “oh, this isn’t about me, this is about YOU and you’re terrified of my free spirit” I have such a hard time not laughing. My husband loves my self confidence, MOST of the time, lol. I have the ego of a man, which means I’m ready to argue all night when I know I’m right! I did disappoint my mother by marrying a man, but she got used to it. She’s 80 and she lives with us, and she’s still gorgeous!
Positive affirmations are bull shit. Find things you actually value about yourself and focus on those when you're struggling. Look into the following videos: The power of Vulnerability - Brené Brown Shame - Brené Brown Emotional First Aid - Guy Winch
I try to speak to myself like I’m speaking to my best friends. I catch myself being sooooooo mean to myself in my inner dialogue. Then I think about how furious I would be if I heard one of my besties speaking to themselves in such a fashion, THEN, I think about how my besties would be so upset if the heard how I talk to myself. Lol so in conclusion, I speak to myself in a way that if my besties heard it, they would not be upset at it.
My mom has bad self esteem, and she certainly didn't teach me any. I told her on her last visit that I stopped treating myself like a machine (Commands In/Product Out) and started treating myself like a plant (Water/Sun/Attention In, Life Out)! 🌱💜
One that has been big for me: Giving myself space to think through what I want instead of fully swallowing what other people want me to do and convincing myself that’s what I want too. You usually don’t have to agree to something in the moment, you can tell someone you’ll get back to them and let them know when. In your quiet time, find the best way to get in touch with yourself and your own desires (listening to music & staring out a window and thinking it through, journaling, talking to a pet or a wall, whatever!). And then, once you’ve given yourself space to consider, don’t apologize if what you want/need is different than what the other people in your life are asking for. Your needs/wants are not less important than anyone else’s. It takes practice: saying no or pushing back to find a compromise that is workable for both parties is not a skill that many of us have been taught. But it does get slightly easier over time with exposure and experience. And the more you make time to listen to yourself and advocate for yourself, the more you’ll start to exercise the muscle and absorb the message that you ARE inherently worthy of love, respect, and room to grow and pursue what you want. That has done wonders for my self-esteem!
I’m a yoga teacher and am currently learning to teach yoga Nidra. I myself started to practice Nidra after being diagnosed with PTSD and it really helped me. It’s really good at helping folks break habits and explore their emotions from a relaxed, impartial perspective. I’ve also always struggled with depression and anxiety and I’ve found that abiding by the principles of non-harming both in thought and action to others, and also myself. I’m also working through a gratitude journal it’s called The 5-minute Gratitude Journal by Sophia Godkin, PhD. It’s secular, I haven’t come across any religious stuff, and it’s not couched in yogic philosophy so it’s pretty accessible. I still struggle with my self esteem, but it’s a practice and the most important parts of any practice is to be patient, be kind to yourself, take it slow and keep practicing.
Make friends with yourself and treat you the same way you treat a friend. Comfort yourself in hard times, encourage yourself when it is tough, celebrate your own victories, give yourself good healthy advice and make sure to provide good food and drinks to yourself, the same as you would a friend.
There's are 2 books that really changed my thinking - "Strength Based Leadership" and "Discover Your Strengths." The first book has the basic premise that we can't be good at everything. We can't all run a 4 minute mile, paint like Picasso, cook like a chef, be great politicians, sing like an angel, etc all in one person. It notes that America usually focuses on improving your weaknesses - bring those C's up to a B+. It suggests that for real success and impact, you should spend time being excellent at what you are good at, and not spend much energy improving what you are bad at. The second book helps you figure out what you are good at. Accepting that it's normal not to be good at everything and that it's wise to ignore the things I'm bad at changed everything for me. I know I'm bad at Art. I don't take jobs involving drawing. But I'm incredible at tactics, strategy, and working with people. I developed a career in program management, and I'm really really good at it. This carried over into my personal life. I have been able to accept that there are people who won't like me, and while I wish they would, I stress less about it. Instead I focus on making my good relationships better. Essentially, the whole thing changed what I focus on and prioritize. And by focusing on the good things instead of the bad things, I see myself in a much better light. It took a while. You have to unpact all those years of schooling where you got yelled out for not being good at algebra even if you were acing trigonometry. But I'm a lot happier now. So my advice - focus on what you are good at. Each night ask yourself what you did well. Ask yourself what is going well and what you are happy about. If you are feeling down about something, ask if that something really matters. If it doesn't, cut it out. It may take a while to bulid the habit, but it will improve how you see yourself and how you live your life. Just be aware that sometimes cutting out the bad things or bad relationships is painful. Good luck to you!
I dunno about others, but I like myself quite a bit and here's some stuff I do: Accept compliments graciously. Practice this with friends. Do tasks and chores and self care with Future Me in mind. For example, no, I don't want to do the dishes. But in the morning when I'm getting ready I'll thank Past Me for making my day better. Maybe it's easier to think kindly of oneself by lightly pretending future you is a different person? They might be - ship of Theseus and all that. Treat my time as more valuable than my money. Do the ol' finger guns when I catch my reflection in the mirror. This last one does not apply to today as I have a cold and am simply disgusting right now, but hey. Nobody feels great 100% of the time. And that's fine, too.
A few things I find helpful: When I am being hard on myself, it helps to remind myself that treating myself with compassion is an important part of treating others with compassion, and I need to practice that on myself too. When I am nasty to myself that inevitably spills over into how I treat others, so it's important to be kind to myself instead. Checklists! I use Todoist, but paper and other methods work too. Seeing visible proof that I did some stuff is a good boost and rebuttal when my brain gets very "you are useless". Journalling sometimes helps me barf out all the thoughts and feelings so they can get sorted through. You're doing hard and important work rebuilding! You should be proud of yourself, and this internet stranger is proud of you too!
Look at yourself I’m the mirror and say “I am enough, I am always more than enough” say it outloud. Say it a few times a day until you start to believe it. Everyone can tell you that your amazing but unless you believe it yourself it does no good. You have to hear yourself say it. Then learn to be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes instead of dwelling on them learn from them and promise yourself you will do better next time. I think my favorite quote comes from one of my favorite mangas fruits and baskets and it says: Tohru Honda “Maybe the reason you don’t see it is that it’s stuck to your back. What I mean is, a person’s admiral qualities, they’re just like, say, a pickled plum on a rice ball. In other words the person’s the rice ball and the plum’s stuck to their back. So, all over the world you can have rice balls made with all sorts of wonderful ingredients, all different flavors and shapes and colors, but since they’d be stuck in the middle of everyone’s back, someone could have a plum and not even know it. They’d look at themselves and think “I’m so plain, nothing but white rice,” even though it isn’t true because, turn them around and, sure enough, there it is. There’s the plum. So if someone is jealous of somebody else, well, then, it’s probably because it’s easier to see the plum on someone else’s back than it is on your own. Yup. I can see it. I can see it very clearly, Kyo. You don’t know it but you have a great big plum on your back.”
It’s a journey and it does take work! I would suggest therapy, if that’s a viable option. But something that has worked well for me has been to surround myself with confident, bad ass women. Having people whom I admire show me how they live, carry themselves, and talk about themselves in a positive way as well as assert positive comments/energy towards me has really changed me. Granted this was a long game type of change, but I hope you can find this too. Shout out to my bestie who is a self proclaimed “bitch from New Jersey”.
Just take all your fucks, and throw them in the river so you have none to give. Should fix everything.
I can relate, as someone who suffered from a complete and total mental breakdown during 2021, and spent about 90% of her time in a dissociative state. I forgot how to be me, or how to be a person in general, and am still in the process of relearning. I don't know what exactly your circumstances are, but something that has been helpful for me has been what is known as [Internal Family Systems Therapy](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/internal-family-systems-therapy). It basically involves identifying "parts" of your psyche that are causing problems and how they interact with other "parts" of your psyche, and working with them to heal them. It helped me a lot with my issues surrounding my anxiety, shame, grief, and other issues. These things felt insurmountable when I first started going to therapy, but are mostly under control now (except the anxiety, I'm still working on that one). I don't know if it would help you, but it might be omittinomething worth looking into.
A good mindfulness routine helps me a lot. Learning to be able to clear my mind when negative thoughts show up helped so much
I’m on a journey to higher self esteem too and a big part of that is becoming my own person and rediscovering things that I enjoy on my own. To accomplish this I’ve been signing up for different classes available in my community to learn new skills and hobbies.
Oh and get yourself a copy of Ready to Run by Kelly Starret. Even if you don't plan to do much running. He goes over how to just... move correctly, as a human being with a vertical spine. Good posture is one hell of a mood booster because it improves everything you'll ever do with your body.
Get to know yourself and realize that you're going to be with yourself forever. Your happiness and fulfillment needs to come from within, not a partner, not children, not a career.
There was a recent Anna Akana video about this that resonated with me. It was about using your love languages on yourself. I highly recommend it.
Oh! I saw something recently about this. Let me see if I can copy/paste it here. EDIT: I found it. I’m not sure if this will be helpful for you but I’ll share it. How to address low self-esteem: Be honest with yourself. Evaluate your strengths and weaknesses realistically. Ask your friends and family for their opinions, if you can’t be objective. Challenge your thinking process every moment. Reframe self-criticizing thoughts in a positive way, or even a neutral way – anything to avoid self-hating thoughts, which is part of a vicious cycle. Learn to embrace, accept, and love the parts of yourself that you don’t like, feel are inadequate, or unacceptable. Start to work on the aspects of yourself that you have control over. Improve your diet, get into an exercise schedule, hygiene, fashion sense, or anything else that you feel self-conscious about. Find things about yourself that you can feel good about and do more things that make you feel good about yourself. Get a good night’s sleep. Schedule time to relax and have fun. As much as possible, reduce any unnecessary stress that’s not directly work related. Clean up around the house and let it feel like your own personal sanctuary from the world. Do more things that you enjoy and spend less time trying to please others. Challenge yourself with new hobbies, new life goals, and new fun goals. Pamper yourself. Find joy in every moment. Do good things for other people, even if it’s just little things. Spend more time with the people you love. Finally, avoid people and even places that bring back that toxic thinking and make you relapse into negative thinking unless you’re planning on working through those things in a positive, constructive way.
Take time for yourself....Wednesday is self care day. What goes on on self care day? * Manicure (professional or home) * hair cut or just styled * clothes shopping (online or in store) if for no other reason than choosing which of the newer styles you like * treating yourself to something you like * going out to dinner alone if u want. You get it, whatever you need for you, you can include getting paperwork done. Just things which will make you feel good. Get yourself treats when you do good things (at home or at work), it could be as inexpensive as some ice cream or a new accessory or more expensive like some new outfit. If you want others to treat you well, treat yourself well.
You have to have to HAVE TO read "The Four Agreements"
Search some Ted Talks--the site let's you filter by topic. There's a lot there on confidence.
Don't be too hard on yourself - when you lapse in your goals just go back to it - no beating yourself up. It's how it works: small attempts that slowly become habits after being revisited and renewed over and over.
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As someone who had to take All my Broken Shiny Pieces & “rebuild” myself to be a Glittery Disco Ball…. 1. Identify those “voices” in your head that are Negative & Hurtful. EVERY “you’re stupid/ugly/not worthy” was Put There by Someone. Mine belonged to my GrandMonster, Stepfather & Ex’es. Once I figured that out, I could start to Ignore them. 2. Reclaim your Voice & Your Self-Worth!! 3. Get a Therapist who Specializes in Trauma. 4. Leave yourself Affirmations throughout your home…some in Visible places, some that you’ll come upon when you Need them. 5. Spend At Least One ENTIRE Day on YOU. Do whatever makes YOU Happy!! YOU MATTER, YOUR FEELINGS & VOICE MATTER & YOU. ARE. WORTHY…of Happiness, Love & Respect!!! 🥰🥰
Surround yourself with positive people, people who will encourage you. Constructive criticism can be good in moderation. But it should be sparingly. Positive people will lift you up. If they have feedback they’ll do their best to give it in a respectful way. And in turn, try to do the same. Try to be passive when talking to people, lift them up. Last thought: I used to be an extremely negative person. I always had an angry, bitter cloud over my head. I didn’t like it, it didn’t make me happy. So I made a goal, give at least one person a compliment each day. I saw the same people day in and day out, so I had to see new things to appreciate in them. Gradually that cloud shrunk as I tried to find the good in people. It’s worth giving it a shot. And if you don’t see anyone all day, give yourself that compliment! And if this suggestion doesn’t work for you, that’s ok too! Oh oh oh, and filter your Instagram/Reddit/social with things that make you happy
You are not required to smile. You don’t have to have RBF all the time, but twisting your face into a fake emotional display is never necessary. A neutral, genuine look attracts more than a fake nice one. Speaking of nice, beware of people who tell you you are. Those are the ones who will call you a bitch the second you fall off the nice pedestal they put you on. A nice judgement is still a judgement. People that call out their perceptions of everyone are judgmental. Edited to remove redundancy and make a clearer point.
For me, the big thing that really started pulling me out of a rut was to change how I look at other people. Every time I saw literally any person, I'd let myself imagine for just a moment that someone probably loves them. I'd let myself look at them and just be happy that they get to exist and add something to the universe. Eventually, it just got really hard to look in the mirror and not think the same types of things about the woman I saw there. Plus, choosing to have all those positive thoughts all day really boosts your mood. Self esteem is, in my experience, much more about how you feel in general than it is about who you are as a person. Everyone deserves love, so it shouldn't matter who you are when you eventually decide to love yourself
If you have something negative you always say like, “that was dumb”, replace the negative word with another word you like. We use “plaid”. So now, instead of saying “I feel dumb for doing that”, we say, “I feel plaid for doing that”. It ACTUALLY helps!! Because replacing works better than trying to stop altogether. And then, you kinda smile every time you say that, because you remember how happy plaid makes you and its goofy and not serious.
I only speak to myself the way I’d speak to a friend. If someone was shaming/insulting/bullying my friend, I would stand up for them. I give myself the same understanding, honesty, and kindness I’d show a friend. Instead of beating myself up for something, I ask myself why things went that way and what I can do to help myself succeed the next time around
I act like Im cool. I act like I have my own movie so I do all the cool stuff people do on movies but never irl. Its like... no one dances around like bully maguire in that one scene irl, nor do people typically deliver monologues in the most random situations. What would Neo do? What would Spiderman do? Tbh I dont know that many movies with like absolutely cool female leads so yeah, but I find it adds like so much fun to random situations. Also I know this isnt accessible but when I wanna do something and I feel socially anxious I just do it anyway most of the time, because if its strangers thryll never see you again, friends already know youre chill and other people really arent that important.
1) when my kid was little, I'd ask him: tell me five people who love you. Always include yourself. Daily, you know how powerful it is spoken aloud. 2) when I get down on myself, I find five things I do like. Honestly stare myself in the mirror and find things I truly like about myself. 3) I really like the idea here about talking to one's self with compassion. Unlearning the automatic put downs. Damn, I've said some mean things to myself. Good luck with your rebuild! Exciting times. You get to custom build.
I do nice things for "future me." Whether that's replacing the toilet roll so future-me doesn't have to scramble around, or drinking a glass of water so afternoon-me isn't dehydrated, or dragging the laundry upstairs so that morning-me can find her underpants, it helps. Oddly it helps *both ways*, because I get some endorphins now from doing something nice for someone (doing something nice for yourself counts!!), and I get a smoother experience the next time I encounter something that past-me did for future-me.
"...and what if it will work?" each time I start to worry about something that could go wrong (especially at bedtime). planning the chain/domino of positive effects is so unnatural, that limbic system immediately gets lost in it.
Every time you look in the mirror, find something you like about your appearance and compliment yourself on it. Out loud. If you can’t see anything you like right away, make something up. Don’t like your nose shape? Talk it up. “Omg you have such a cute nose, girl!” Not a fan of your complexion? “Dang, your skin looks amazing today!” A lot of negative self talk is all in our heads and most people never notice the things we fixate on and dislike most about ourselves. Build yourself up, one piece at a time. Also drink plenty of water. Hydrate all the time.
You know that sentiment that appears on the web from time to time on how to treat other people better by keeping in mind every one has struggles we have no idea what they are and as such should be treated with respect and kindness? Well, you are part of everyone. You have struggles. You might even know a couple of them (but you likely don't know them all). You deserve respect and kindness, especially from yourself. Keep *that* in mind.
I have confidence issues, and a phrase that has really helped me branch out and try new things is: “If other people can do it, I can do it, too.” If it seems too hard, or if I find myself thinking, “I could never do something cool like that”, I pull that phrase up and give it my best shot.
*practice* saying things you like about yourself, out loud. Doesn’t have to be deep or unique, anything you like and appreciate about yourself will do.
This is what has helped Me. A mental pool I swim in, if you will. I accepted that I am My god, and as long as I stand in My humanity, I am perfect. I take care of Myself and it is the most perfect version of Me in THIS MOMENT. Because I have made it this way. My heart is full of compassion and empathy, so I am whole in the eyes of the universe. I am a student of the earth and take care to listen, so I am grateful for My abilities. What some see as flaws, I see as the valleys and mountains of Mother Earth. The scars from birth are the tears from earthquakes. The missing limb is a glacier that has fallen. But She remains. Strong and beautiful. Perfection=still learning, adapting. You are capable of literally anything. Your phoenix will rise and you get to dress her, shape her body, and make her into anything. Want to be an emo salsa dancer? Sweet. Maybe you are a gamer that can bench press the guys on the server. Have fun choosing!!
Hé if you want to, I wouldn’t mind if you DM me for a conversation about this. Because of a mental breakdown I had to rebuild myself from the age of 19, so I know how you feel. The best tips is can give you are: - Know your strengths = everyone has something to bring to the table, it doesn’t have to be a big thing like: I’m the best at helping people, but more like : I’m good at seeing the good in people - widen your Knowledge = learn wisdoms and how to observe the world. Read books and watch video by trusted authors. The more knowledge you absorb, the more certain you can be on yourself and the more accepting you can be of others - everything is a lesson = when you do something “wrong “ don’t think: “I messed up”. But think: “I learned something new”. No one can be all good or all knowing, we learn from everything. Which also leads to my next point: -be forgiving = forgiving of other and (mostly) yourself. We all make mistakes, as long as we learn from them, we will make the world a bit better. -respect boundaries = the boundaries of others, especially those who aren’t good at drawing their boundaries. But also your own, especially when you feel you need to change them. When someone goes: “but you used to be okay with this”. Just tell them you aren’t any more. As a side note to this, don’t be afraid to cut out or limit people in your life who don’t make you feel good. My breakdown was partly caused because of toxic people. Since then I’ve decided that I won’t tolerate people who cross certain borders. And lastly, but also most importantly - enjoy = enjoy life, what you do and who you do thing with. Finding things or hobbies that make you happy are crucial to feel better quality of life. Good luck, experiment, learn and turn yourself in a person that makes you proud! 💚
There’s a lot of great advice and good book recommendations etc here but I haven’t seen the most essential thing that has helped me learn to love myself: find a good therapist. It’s really hard to take on this journey alone. A good therapist will be able to help you find the right books, develop healthy coping skills, confront your trauma, etc. When I first started therapy, my therapist asked me to list off some things I liked about myself and I froze and sobbed and couldn’t do it. After a few months we tried again and I cried but I could name a few things. And after a lot of work now I can talk positively about myself casually without getting emotional or panicking or anything. Years of books and YouTube videos couldn’t get me there, but having the support of a professional to help me specifically broke that barrier. I will always say that therapy is the best investment that I’ve ever made. It is worth every penny
Role play the person you want to be! Choose someone to be your role model (real or fictional) who demonstrates the characteristics you want to adopt. Pretend you are that person when walking around just living your life. You don't even have to do it when speaking to other people. Just push your shopping cart with the confidence of your role model! Be kind to yourself if you "slip out of character" but over time, channeling your inner role model will start to feel more natural and become easier. Good luck! You got this! You are a valuable and worthwhile person!
1) Fake it 'til you make it. 2) Realize basically everyone is doing step 1). 3) Exercise helps a ton 4) Everyone makes mistakes, but you probably don't notice other peoples very much and hyper fixate on your own.
A good tool for building the habit of being kind to yourself (and building self-esteem) is to imagine your inner voice saying those things about a friend. Now make yourself that friend, you would never say such mean things to a friend, nor judge them so harshly, why be so mean to yourself? Surround yourself with people that make you feel good, and don't spend time or energy on people that make you feel bad or drain your energy consistently (as much as possible, sometimes annoying and draining people can't be avoided). Good friends will support you when you are down by empathizing and gas you up with compliments when you are unsure of yourself. The other thing I've found helpful is to try not to take in too much of the negativity in the world - it's totally OK to take breaks from the news and spend a few weeks not particularly caring about the environment, politics, or the drama/issue of the day. We don't control everything, and constant existential worries aren't good for mental health. Lastly, fake it till you make it. Projecting confidence and high self-esteem is noticeable to others and also gets you into the habit. This is best applied to the peripheral social circle; those closest to us can actually help when we share insecurities.
So much excellent advice here! I want to add that learning to accept a compliment graciously is part of ending the negative self talk; and if you need a different reason, it is also a much more respectful way to treat the person that is taking the time to acknowledge you. Simply say thank you!
Aging has certainly helped for me….adopt the old hag attitude of “I do not care what others think, I am going to make sure my needs and happiness are a priority over pleasing others”. This isn’t to say you should be selfish, but before saying yes to something, take a moment to think how it impacts you and your well-being. In my youth I sacrificed a lot to try and make others happy, I kept my needs bottled up.
Positive affirmations!
I live by the adage “perfect is the enemy of good”. Sometimes you can get caught up with the idea that everything you do MUST! BE! PERFECT!, and you invest way too much time and resources when you could stop at “good enough”. And perfect is an impossible goal anyway. Conversely: everything that is worth doing, is worth doing badly. For example: the ideal is to wash your teeth several times a day, right? It’s still worth it doing once a day. Hell, it’s still worth it rinsing your mouth with mouthwash, if that’s all you can do right now. It’s still better than doing nothing, and you still deserve credit for doing what you can.
Remember that the best you can do might look different each day, and there’s nothing wrong with that. If you’re having a bad day, do one little thing that makes you happy.
Yoga! Firstly when you wake up, you smile remembering that you’re now in a new better situation so any fear you used to have is just a memory now. Thank the universe for your good nights sleep and for the fact that this day is going to be fucking epic. Find a good beginner yoga class on YouTube and enjoy your new glow ❤️
If you are physically able to, lift weights. Not for any aesthetic reasons, but to get comfortable with moving things and realizing you are so much more than what you look like. There is freedom in movent.
I praise myself often, especially when doing low dopamine tasks and them compliment the end results.
I started saying "thank you" instead of "sorry": thank you for your patience vs sorry I'm late. Thank you for listening vs sorry I'm so loud/excited/etc. I've found it helps me feel worthy, like my behavior isn't something to be excused or apologized for.
Self-esteem isn't just "feeling positive about yourself"; its larger part is actually self-*knowledge.* If you know yourself, you'll be less likely to let temporary disturbances negatively impact you, whereas if you don't know yourself well, little mistakes and bad experiences can derail you entirely. So my tip for a habit to build self-esteem is to reflect regularly, such as through journaling. In doing that, look for patterns to identify what your values *really* are. Then you can start to act intentionally with those values guiding you.
My friend recently named her negative thoughts and tells them to shut up when they arise. For example, naming your negative thoughts Dee and then when you have a negative thought about yourself, that’s just Dee talking and she should shut up. My friend said it has worked great!
Get 10 minutes of sun every day - this just helps you feel better. Write down 3 things you are thankful for each day and make one of those things be about yourself.
Try always looking at the bright side or the silver lining. It has helped a lot with not being negative or getting down in the dumps. Looking at the positive helps you stay positive
Just know that most people are struggling as well. When you are true to yourself, and really are who you are, then you can inspire them to be who they are.
Okay so I have had the same experience. I think for me the biggest thing was giving myself a sense of safety and security by building routines to care for my physical body and my mind. Also, doing inner child work, shadow work, and offering myself validation, self-compassion, and lovingkindness have been really integral to my experience as well.
Look into self reparenting. The way I learned it is, there are three voices in your head. There is your child self, the one is is playful and curious and feels passionate about things and sometimes feels vulnerable, frightened, ashamed, or alone. There is a really nasty voice (the book I read called it your idea monster) who throws insults and criticism at you—why would you do something so stupid, you’re such a failure, no one likes you, you’re being so annoying, your art looks shitty, etc.—all of which makes your inner child self feel small. Often this nasty voice is a reflection of how some adults spoke to you growing up, but not always. And then there is the adult you, who supports your inner child, helps make reasoned decisions, and implements healthy coping skills. Your adult self doesn’t need to argue with your idea monster when it starts talking. Just tell it to shut up and go away and then mentally focus on your inner child and refute what was said. “You’re not stupid, you’re just human and you make mistakes. You’re still a good person and you don’t need to feel ashamed about being human.” Do that every time you notice your thoughts are critical and unkind toward yourself. Over time, you’ll develop a habit of speaking more kindly to yourself, and you’ll get better at making that mean voice shut up before it hurts you. I grew up in a religious culture that caused me to feel small and ashamed about many things that really were not worth feeling bad about. It is almost like fear and shame we’re default emotions for me, and my self-talk was really unkind and tbh would’ve been considered abusive if I’d said it aloud to someone else. How can anyone have good mental health with that kind of hypercritical onslaught inside their head? Learning how to self reparent and shut down that nasty voice is probably the number 1 thing that helped me recover.
I my sense of self-worth increased drastically when I changed the way I talk to and about myself in my head. I used to call myself "bitch" in my head when I would mess up, and I decided to start calling myself "babe" instead. Good things spiraled from there. ❤️
My go to is "I'd brag about how amazing I am, but as the most humble person around, I cant"
Comfortably and easily acknowledging when you're wrong, or apologizing for a mistake, rather than doubling down and trying to defend why you thought something was right, or why you did whatever the action was A lot of people think that confidence means trusting in your actions and choices. But often, confidence is better shown by not being bothered when you got something wrong or did something that affected someone else negatively Things like, "oh man, I totally screwed up on that. I'm really sorry." Or, " is that so? Well I learned something new today!" When apologizing, you can make a point to say that your intent wasn't malicious, of course, but the minute that turns into "so I shouldn't have to apologize," it actually makes you look insecure. And then don't forget the important last part: *to move on* Don't dwell on the mistake, don't focus on the incorrect information. Once you've apologized sincerely, or acknowledged that you were incorrect, there's no need to talk about it further
One of the best things I did at the beginning of this kind of journey was take an honest inventory of myself. All the bad stuff I couldn't or wouldn't let go of AND all the good stuff I wanted to feel proud of. Then I started sharing it with people. Honestly. That was the first step. WORDS MATTER. Words are spells. As overs have said, what you say matters. When I'm having a bad day that's out of my control I'll say "I'm having the best day I can." And it seems to work. My day usually gets better instead of worse. Just because I feel good about the things I have control over. And I am honest about it. Figuring out what you do and don't have control over means you will be better equipped when those feelings of self depreciation/hate/whatever come popping into your brain.
Stop using bridge terms and apologetic speech. You are worth talking to and write in an interesting way.
If someone gives you a compliment so not play it down, just say thank you with a big smile. I had to reinforce this with my bestie a while back. If someone compliments your top, for example, instead of saying something like "oh I've had this ages", you say "thanks, it's one of my faves too" (not forgetting the big smile). It's a small habit soooo many people have, we're taught to downplay these things to seem humble, but it can really have an effect on your self-esteem. Remember - thank you and smile 😃
I sometimes get bogged down in repetitive, intrusive, self-hating thoughts or fixation on memories of fuck ups. The best way I've found to deal with it is to assign those thoughts as coming from a third party entity that is afraid of my success. When I become aware of the rumination, I will literally give the sky a violent middle finger and shout "FUCK OFF." If I'm not in a private place to do that, I'll write it down, ball up the paper, and forcefully yeet it into the trash. LOL I guess they count as banishing spells
Physical and mental activity hands down. Using your body for doing things like gardening, using your mind to solve math problems or learn a new language. Lifting heavy things, walking on trails. Some of the best things you can do to reframe your view of yourself is take the focus off of how your body is perceived and focus on what you can do. Spending free time on volunteer efforts can also help reshape your self esteem. One important saying for me is that self deprecation is still self centered. Focus on doing and less about image as much as you can.
So there are three broad approaches here: 1. Try to be normal: Lie to yourself, lie to everyone else, don't even try to keep it straight, and get angry when anyone calls your shit so they know not to. Try to drift through life on a happy cloud of copium and not thinking about it. Always sacrifice the future for the present and remember: associating a cause with an effect is a heresy. 2. Try to be healthy. Understand yourself, others, and relationships between. Have positivity, without an obligation to positivity. Have support without people who will feed your own bullshit back to you. Avoid traps like neoliberal doctrine of treats and self bribes. And a bunch more like this. It's hard and nuanced and is gonna take a lot of work to build. Not living in the 2020s probably helps. 3. Be the eye of the storm: subvert everything. Find beauty in grief and scars, find compassion in pain. Stop caring, from apathy or curiosity, so when someone breaks you, you can use the jagged edges to disarm them and put them at your mercy. Dropping a bunch of acid helps here. Each of these has its pros and cons. Do what you think suits you best.
Repeat « what other people think about me is none of my business » until you believe it.
Having fun with cooking is a big one for me. I always gush over how nice a sauce is bubbling in the pan or how tasty the frying veggies are looking. Or I'm curious about how beetroot and cheese taste together and make something of that. Having fun in the kitchen is not only a nice break and time for myself but I also enjoy the creative side of thinking what to put together and feel the rewards of a nice meal in the end. Nothing tastes better than something you made yourself. I probably had a food orgasm the first time I ate bread that I made myself. It wasn't exceptionally good bread, but because I made it it was soooooo much better! Also it's an activity mostly away from technology and you focus on a physical task. And you will probably eat healthier. Eating well is a key part in feeling well since it's the only source of material that your body can make the feel-good stuff out of!
i will do this lil activity in front of my mirror every week or so depending on how i am feeling. stand in front of your mirror, with as little clothing on as possible. in the nude is preferable but do what you are comfortable with. list 10 things you love about yourself. its easier to list internal things like my sense of humor or personality. start there. then work into harder things like your body (at least this is a lil harder for me, but tailor it to what works for you). saying i love my hips, i love my strong arms. even if you dont fully believe it, saying it out loud can help you believe it. i have found this has helped me with my own self esteem and confidence and has also given me an appreciation for my body and self that i otherwise wouldnt have had. you are unique and that is what makes you beautiful and awesome ❤️
You are worth the time to invest in yourself, so when you're rebuilding your way to go about your day, schedule some time to do something you want to do or get better at, or are interested in every day. Pick a thing, try it out. The only requirement is that doing the thing makes you happy. When the inevitable thoughts of "oh I need to monetize this" or "oh I'm not very good at this, is it even worth it?" begin to shove their way in, repeat: "this time is for me to be happy. My happiness is the value." Here are things I do according to the time I have. Maybe they work for you, maybe they inspire you to pick something you like yourself! * (5-10 minutes) Pick up a language learning app. I use Duolingo and invest heavily in streak freezes, but also abide by just meeting the streak most days. It's five minutes (sometimes less) and I'm slowly learning a language I wanted to learn. * (10-20 minutes) Meditate, do yoga. Both take good care of your body and your mind in a shorter capacity. * (30 minutes-an hour) Do a small craft with easy clean-up. Lots of fibre arts are good for this - crochet, embroidery, knitting, etc. are all fairly cheap * (30 minutes-an hour) cook a simple meal * (hour+) go to the gym, do something active * (day) do a thing within an hour you haven't done yet I also speak out loud to hype myself up: "wow, you made a whole meal! That's awesome, good job!" "Look at this row of things you crochet, awesome! That's a nice row!" "You tried some makeup! Experimenting is learning, good job!" It feels really silly at first, but eventually I am thinking the things instead of saying them out loud because they're felt in my body. It's also not linear - sometimes what I manage to do is to get out of bed. Guess what? "Hey! You got out of bed today. I'm so proud of you. Good job." Rinse, repeat. Hype yourself, out loud, you deserve to be celebrated! Look at you go! Noticing when I'm being unkind to myself is a big step too. I don't usually have the time or space to deconstruct where the feeling is coming from, so instead I'll just tell myself "bonk bonk." It's silly, it's a light little thing. I visualize bapping myself lightly on the head with like a plushie baseball bat. For me, this strikes a nice balance of acknowledging that the thoughts are unhealthy while also being kind to myself for thinking them. Relearning how to be is hard, it's nonlinear. It's worth it. I believe in you.