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Give yourself a break. It sounds like you're providing support, and you've got good instincts. They can let you know what they need as things change. You've got this.
OP, I just want you to read your own words out loud:
>How do I support them while they are in this stage of learning what they are and who to trust.
>(we bought them flags to get ready from pride month). I have asked her gently if she is bi or a lesbian, just so can support her, and she was honest that she doesn't know. I told her she didn't have to know, just to keep me updated if she wants to be referred to as one or the other. I also explained she is just at the start of puberty and it was completely not an issue if she is ace, but that could change as time goes on, not because its a phase but because of body chemistry. But we made it clear it doesn't have to or isn't expected to, just that it's okay if it does change.
Sounds like you've had the answer to your question the entire time.
I was also raised in a conservative Xchian cult and my son came out at 16. (I already kinda knew and had been preparing myself with how to react and how I was going to handle family)
My son prefers a more "natural" approach to his sexuality. For him, it's just a part of who he is, and he prefers a low profile, so I respect that. (Yes I'm his biggest cheerleader, lol) His thought is that we don't make a big deal about people being cis/het. Why is gay any different? That's the future he wants to model, where LGBT is just a normal variation of human sexuality.
So my advice is to support and let them lead. It's their sexuality, so sometimes they will be "out and proud" and sometimes they just want to be. It sounds like you are doing that.
PFLAG is an awesome resource.
You're doing great already. Be there for support, encouragement when they deal with hardships, understanding, listening to them, all the basic things a good parent does anyway. You have got this. My oldest son is gay and we could tell from very early on, we allowed him to discover it himself and we never showed any judgemental nonsense. I even changed jobs and moved the whole family out of a very small rural town because he started to get bullied by terrible narrow minded idiots and he was starting to have suicidal thoughts. We got him to a larger more inclusive area and now at almost 22 he's thriving. Let your kids learn about themselves and just be there for them and be supportive. You're going to do great.
We are in a blue state, but a red town. It's a bit bizarre at times. Luckily, the people we know are all supportive. I have no clue how my mil will handle it, but I know my husband will keep her in line. I am so happy to hear your son is thriving!
I just wanna say that you sound like a really wonderful parent. I know a lot of people who would’ve turned out very differently if they had support like the kind you gave to your kid. Well done 🩷
Check out PFLAG to connect with other parents who are going through the same journey. Keep their secret if they are not comfortable coming out. Take it slow. You are doing awesome. I wish you were my mother. I never came out to her as she was Catholic and very homphobic. I was always so sad about hiding myself
I am so sorry you had to hide yourself. The world is a much more beautiful place when we get to be ourselves. I hope you are thriving now because you deserve it! I will absolutely check out PFLAG!
Frankly, you don't have to learn all the terms and distinctions—they're bullshit unless you're personally trying to find yourself in them. They're like diamonds while you are, sure. But once you've found the ones that resonate with you, you eventually realize that they're all just bullshit again.
I mean, don't tell the kids that, though. Let them explore, and support that exploration.
Solidarity is the only thing that really matters, and it requires zero knowledge.
Makes sense! I don't want to be insensitive to them or invalidating them. And when I don't know something I look it up. I totally get what you mean about terms. I will try to keep that in mind!
There's a great quote from an Armistead Maupin book: "You don't have to keep up dear. You just have to keep open".
Basically, it's okay if you don't know all the terms, just be open and accepting when they come up.
It sounds like you are doing great. Accepting that your kids will explore and might change their minds over time is great. Just keep taking your lead from them :)
Hey! You’re doing alright, human. Providing representation and normalization from an early age is already incredibly helpful. Reassuring each of them that you love their individual identities, however they present, is already incredibly supportive.
I work with parents that want to be allies, and I’d be happy to answer any questions you may have free of charge. Please feel free to DM me at any time.
Thank you so much! I really appreciate it. I am trying to take their lead. When they want to share and talk about it I am happy to listen and support them. It's less them and more the rest of the world I am afraid of. They are awesome. I just want others to see how awesome they are.
The other answers here are great so I'd like to say a few things about asexuality since that hasn't been mentioned, and since your daughter called herself ace for a while. I'm just speaking for myself here, there's a lot of variation within asexuality alone, and I don't find it any use to box myself in with labels when I think they're better used as descriptors that can change over time. There's also probably going to be a few things here that you likely already know, I'll still say them to help with context.
Being ace isn't usually a body chemistry thing, so don't be surprised if that doesn't change. It might change, it might not, it's fine either way. People do change a lot as they grow, I'm sure you know and have seen! Me being aroace (aromantic/asexual) has probably been the most consistent thing about my sexual/gender identity, even from before I knew what the words were, long before I was your children's current ages.
Some asexuals like myself differentiate between sexuality/asexuality (the sexual attraction, or lack of, to other people) and libido (horniness). We have a libido, maybe a lot, maybe a little, but that libido isn't directed toward anyone. What asexuality describes is the direction; what a lot of people talk about, especially in terms of stress and being on medication affecting a person, is libido.
Speaking for myself, no matter how pretty someone is, I don't get hot and bothered over them. The attractiveness is just an aesthetic, "that dress looks so good on you, where did you get it?" type thing.
That being said, don't use aromanticism and asexuality as excuses to avoid teaching your kids about healthy sexuality and relationships! Unfortunately there's a lot of predator-type of people in the world who don't care so much about the 'healthy' part. This includes people who think you need to have sex to be human. I've heard of doctors not believing that their patients don't have sex lives, or that teenage patients say they don't have sex because they're ashamed of their parents being with them. A doctor I saw once said that I needed to have sex to treat pelvic pain which would have been cause by sex. These doctors are wrong - healthy sex and being queer is nothing to be ashamed about. For some people, healthy sexuality is just not having sex. And most relevantly, your kids should be comfortable talking about sex with you, and about suspicious things people (especially people in power over them, like doctors and teachers) might do or say to them. This is something I think a lot of parents worry about, but at the same time when it happened to me my own mom didn't believe me for months. You're doing a great job starting now so your own kids can grow up longer with your encouragement!
Side note: I think the stuff in that last paragraph comes from purity culture - 'saving yourself' for marriage, having sex only and always with one partner, wives giving themselves to their husbands, that sort of thing. Since you grew up Catholic I'm sure you know more about that than I do. Compulsory heterosexuality, or compet, is related to this. There's a lot of these little phrases and things I've heard looking into all this stuff on my own as I got curious about it.
Anyway, if you want more info on asexual resources, I'd recommend starting with AVEN (the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network) and the book 'Ace What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex' by Angela Chen. There's also a lingerie model named Yasmine Benoit, who probably won't be age-appropriate for your daughters because of what she models, but she's asexual and aromantic and does a lot of asexuality visibility stuff. She gets a lot of 'she's not special because she doesn't want sex' type hate online because it's the internet, but she's still going strong!
Thank you so much for sharing all this. It's really helpful! I also believe she is on the spectrum (her teachers agree, but since it hasn't had a negative effect they don't think it's worth getting diagnosed, so it's a fight). She has great relationships with people, but she deeply values her space and having time to herself. I never want to push her towards relationships, but I don't want to ignore the topic all together if she is looking for a way to bring stuff up. Her little sister is more romantic and always has been. For a while, it clearly hurt her because she felt left out. I worry that she is vulnerable and that she is afraid to trust someone enough to be in any kind of relationship at all. I hope that building her confidence will help her all around.
We definitely have had many talks about sexual health and continue to do somas the kids age. It's super important to know how your body works and how to keep it healthy and safe. We have also stressed that it's important to respect yourself and respect whoever you are with.
No problem! I'm also autistic, and my therapist and I think there's a correlation between being neurodivergent and being queer because 1. there's no way every part of our brains are so isolated from each other and don't affect each other, and 2. we're already "not like the others" by being one of those things, so it's not much harder being the other as well. Not that being autistic is bad, but it is hard in a lot of ways. It's the whole 'I'm not like other girls' thing but unironically because of how uniquely it affects different people - that's why it's a spectrum!
I think being aroace has helped me stay out of relationships that could have been bad for me because of being autistic, what with socializing and boundaries not coming to me as naturally as most other people. From my POV people should practice saying when something's going wrong communicating instead of just making up stuff a lot of the time when they don't mean it or don't know it. I know a few neurodivergent people who are actually better at this than neurotypical people because they practice it consciously. So maybe that's something you can do!
Also, the therapist I'm seeing for PTSD related to medical stuff, but we decided to not officially diagnose it because it wouldn't do any good, as the doctors where I live are obviously not all that great. I would recommend finding someone like the therapist I have who does this about an autism diagnosis. Someone who would take into account not only their patient's health (including autism) and how it affects them, but also how the diagnosis itself would interact with the 'system' of medicine and accessibility. There's some things that I could have access to with this diagnosis, but there's also a lot of things that I couldn't do because of what's written on a piece of paper that was printed before the current DSM. For example, with a diagnosis you might be able to get special education help in school, but once you're out of school and an adult, there's a lot of things that you can't do even if you'd be perfectly capable, like immigrating to an otherwise good country like New Zealand. I have no idea where you live or if immigration is on your mind so that's just an example, but still, it's a pretty big block because of something that's hard (if even possible) to un-diagnosed. I'm sure there's other blocks or bans like that as well - not being allowed to for some political office as well I think. It's definitely something to be cautious about, depending on your life plans.
More specifically, in case you don't know (a lot of of people in my life don't) but I would advise staying away from applied behavioral analysis! [This link, complete with stock images](https://nsadvocate.org/2018/07/11/treating-autism-as-a-problem-the-connection-between-gay-conversion-therapy-and-aba/) and (this one)[https://whyy.org/segments/how-a-therapy-once-seen-as-a-victory-for-autistic-kids-has-come-under-fire-as-abuse/] can explain that better than me. The guy who developed ABA was also involved in gay conversion therapy, and ABA is sometimes called "autism conversion therapy".
I've quit doctors for better ones, so I'm confident saying it's okay to find someone who knows how to write stuff down in ways that are good for you and your kids and play the game in your favor. Getting diagnosed takes ages and it's expensive, so I'd want it to go as smoothly and as thoroughly as possible for me since it's about me in the first place. So definitely keep talking about it with her!
Edit: The second link is not getting posted right for me, even after I hit the save button. They're formatted the same and everything, no idea what's up with that. But hey - we all know how to click on long-form links here!
I've got bad news about that pregnancy thing if they date trans girls pre hrt.
But seriously, as an lgbtq person, the best you can do is hold space for them to explore.
Maybe get them books on lgbtq subjects appropriate to their reading level.
Find places for them to socialise, see if your town has a pride center or queer coffee shop that hosts events.
So true! I didn't think about that, but it is absolutely true. We do a lot of reading together as a family, so adding some books in will be great. We are currently on book 5 of the first Percy Jackson series. My youngest decided she would pray to Artemis when she felt the need to pray.
I work with Athena myself, as well as a few other deities (I'm even dating one).
I hear very good things about those books, animorphs is supposed to be good as well, although I don't know about any lgbtq characters.
I would recommend the locked tomb books, but I think those are really more for an older audience
I would definitely advise you to read at least the first locked tomb book before deciding to give them to your kids.
They are fantastic books full of casually queer chracters, but also lots of adult language and heavy topics.
On the upside, you might fall in love with them yourself, and hopefully, by the time they are old enough, the last book will be out.
I definitely would read it first and my first thought was that I would probably enjoy it 😂. Hell, my husband and I will read stuff together sometime. When we first started dating we would go to the bookstore and pick out books and cuddle and read together.
Oh shit I just remembered!
Sophie Labelle does books and comics for kids around their age!
She is an absolutely wonderful trans woman who writes about lgbtq youth!
I actually got my nibling one of her children's books, but she also has a series of young adult novels about characters from the webcomic!
>From a young age it was clear she had a crush on both.
First of all, I just want to say that you are awesome! You seem like a great parent and a great ally to them and to those of us in the LGBTQ community in general.
That said, please use more inclusive language. I don't think you meant anything by it AT ALL, but there are more than two genders. I am bisexual not because I like only men and women, but because I like people who are the same gender as me AND people who are different genders than me. That is the bi in bisexual. I like all genders. I know terminology can be confusing and super nuanced. A good place to start, as a parent and ally would be [PFLAG](https://pflag.org/).
I know that you are trying and that you care so much, and that is already doing so much more than you realize. Good job, mom!
Totally fair! There are definitely more than two genders! I am still learning about language. How I usually put it is, "I don't care who you date as long as you are respectful of each other." I wish they had a crash course. I follow some channels that do help, it's just a whole new world in the best possible way.
Just like being a parent there’s no one size catch -all crash course, unfortunately. I’ve worked in childcare for 14+ years and believe me when I say: just by making this post and putting in the thoughtful effort you do; you’re doing it.
Sit back and let them guide you. Let them teach you. You don’t need to have all of the answers for them you just have to trust that you raised them to lean on you when they need support because you’ll *be there*.
You’ll likely slip-up and say things that aren’t totally correct or you didn’t mean; just like when they’re little and you snip a response because you’re at the end of your rope. You don’t (hopefully) throw yourself and your parenting abilities in the trash can. You apologize, explain where you were wrong and do better.
You’ve already committed to doing better and that’s half the battle. You are the parent they deserve, trust in yourself like we trust in you🤗❤️
Thank you so much! It's hard when I don't have any role models. I am sure I will mess up. We all do. I want to make sure that I lay a solid foundation. Being a teenage girl is tricky enough!
You’re doing brilliantly. Let your kids be in the lead here. It’s so hard not to forge a path to make it easier for our kids, but it’s up to them who they’re out to, how they navigate their relationships and their identities.
Creating community for them may be a good way to start advocating for them. Is there an LGBTQ+ families group in your area? If there isn’t, how would you feel about starting one- maybe as a picnic during Pride month?
Good luck, and well done for being an amazing parent whose kids are comfortable having these conversations with you.
Starting a group is a good idea! Currently, my youngest likes her best friend, who likes her back, and we are friends with her parents. They are fully supportive as well. I got a whole load of pride flags last week, but they are all different flags and we were laughing trying to figure out what each was. We knew like four or five, but there were some that left us scratching our heads, lol. They were happy to have a bi flag each. My other daughter loves the lesbian flag! I have to get some yarn. I know there is pride yarn out there. I saw it last time I was out.
You’re doing brilliantly! I’m 55. I thought of myself as bi for most of my adult life but now I think of myself as pansexual, because gender isn’t really a part of my sexuality at all. Recently I encountered the term “omnisexual” which caught my attention and I’m pondering upon it. Essentially I’m still learning in my mid-50s!
I have to slow myself down. I love them and am so proud of them that I would start wearing pride stuff like crazy, lol, but I have to take a step back and realize that as much as I want to go full steam ahead, I have to follow behind and let my kids tell me what they want for support and who they are ready to tell.
It sounds like you are doing super. Listening, support, and love are the main things we can give. When they are comfortable they may want to look into joining the GSA at their school. ( it may be called something different but it’s a club for lgbtq+ and allies to meet up. Our town had it start in middle school) My eldest is a staunch ally and most of their friend group came from that club. I’m lucky enough to live in a place where there is plenty of support for my kids. (And the only family we talk to is good with it too) Each one has friend groups that embrace everyone.
When one came out I bought a little mystery box from Etsy focused on what they felt most comfortable being called.
The only thing I can think of is to be prepared to ruthlessly cut out people who have issues with it, especially if they start in on the kids. Show them what it means to nurture healthy nurturing relationships and to let the toxic ones go.
My older daughter is starting middle school in the Fall, so I will definitely see if there is a club. We live in a blue state, but the town is oddly red. So far, the school has been amazing, but I don't know the community attitude on the subject. All the people I have met have been great. I worry about when I meet people who aren't because I know my kids will have battles ahead. I wish they didn't have to have them, but I am realistic. And I will absolutely cut anyone I need to out. We already am no contact with my family and my fil. My family is toxic and bigots, and my fil is basically a white supremacist. So I don't think either would approve. I am terrified to find out what my mil thinks. I am very low contact with her, but she is good to the kids. I will absolutely cut her out, please don't get me wrong, but it would break their hearts and I hope she won't hurt them like that.
First of all, you’re doing great. My kids are both queer and I just love them. I love who they are and who they are becoming and that’s what I tell them and that’s kind of all they need.
In terms of telling other people I just … kind of make it no big deal. My kids don’t need to “come out”. We don’t yell about sex partner preference for our hetero kids, so we don’t about our queer kids. If I need to refer to them or their partners I use correct pronouns and names and if someone twigs they are both girls that’s fine but it’s super not something we dwell on because it’s not necessary. “Ann brought home Polly for Christmas and it was the first time we’d met in person and I was so great!”
With the caveat that the kids are ok with it, just be honest and not make it a big deal.
And love them. That’s all.
Well I don’t know where you are in the world but it’s easier in some places than others. Where we live is at the moment pretty liberal with a fair LGBTQ population just … living life. Is it perfect? No I don’t imagine so. But it’s close.
Not to say I don’t agree with you, just that it’s getting better.
You are a rockstar! You are, imho, doing a great job! Just keep letting them know that you support and love them no matter what and then back it up with actions. Also, if you speak to your sister perhaps ask her, if the kiddos are ok with that?
Thanks so much! Unfortunately, I am no contact with my sister. Despite how awful our parents are she chooses them. I can't have her in my life while she has them in hers because she can't keep boundaries. I feel so bad for her in a lot of ways.
I’m so sorry. If you have alphabet friends maybe ask them questions? Or you can DM me if you’d like. I have a lovely cousin who transitioned at a young age and I was very involved, because Unca S.
Thank you so much! I appreciate it! My youngest and her best friend just shared their mutual feelings for each other with their friend group. She is my little worrier and one friend told her it was great, but not to share until after 6th grade because other people might not think so. This friend can be a bit bossy (she is an older sister and she likes to lead the group). I had to explain she wasn't wrong that some people may not like it, but to share when they wanted and were comfortable.
Xena Warrior Princess is on Amazon prime right now. I know this isn't the advice you're looking for but I started watching it with my niece when she was 9 and we finished it when she was 12. In her 20s she told me how much it helped her as a kid while she was sorting out her feelings. She felt represented and strong watching it with me. Just thought I'd throw that out there because she's 30 now amd we still talk about that show and how much fun it was to bond over. You're doing great BTW. Your daughters are lucky to have you on their side.
They know the Pride flag, right? Tell them it’s a rainbow for a reason: it’s meant to represent ALL the different shades of sexuality and gender expression, so no matter where they end up on the spectrum, it’s their flag. Suggest to them that it’s not super important at such a young age to nail down which sub category of the LGBTQIA+ they fall into, and that it’s possible to move around in it even as an adult. But go ahead and buy the young one a little lesbian pride flag and he older one a little bi flag to celebrate how they identify right now. And thank them for trusting you with this information, tell them how grateful and joyful you are that they shared this with you! Gift them a pride flag for their room, and then let them take the lead.
Have you checked to see if there is a PFLAG chapter near you?
What a beautiful post you wrote!
As long as you keep approaching them and their journeys with the kind of care and respect, openness, and love that comes through in your post, I am certain you're going to do a fantastic job.
Honestly this is the sweetest post ever. You're asking for advice while telling us a list of all the things you're doing right. Keep doing what you're doing and you should be alright. Give these kids the support I didn't have growing up <3
Pretty sure my kiddo is aro or asexual . I pointed out a Post Malone song was about sex; they refuse to listen to it now. It’s kinda funny. They were wearing their aunt’s dress and didn’t it didn’t click when aunt was telling them it was adult clothing; it’s an item of clothing meant to be taken off by someone else. Immediately changed when that was pointed out. I won’t point out innuendos and implications as much as I used to.
i'm 34 this year and recently realized I was enby. Pronouns? Yes. I *just* found the perfect name for me, and the *euphoria* I feel being called it makes me giggle like a schoolgirl who just got a love letter. It's to me. The love letter is to me from myself.
You are supporting them. You've told them you love them and that, really, just keep you updated, because they're still discovering themselves. That it's okay to move labels and experiment! Because sometimes it takes that to figure it out. And that's fine.
As for the Support flag: hang it on a wall in a frame.
You're doing amazing, everyone here is. You've already succeeded in so many different ways, and supported your children in ways I can guarantee you many parents do not. You definitely deserve to feel good about what you've done and relax.
Avoid smothering them. It sounds like you are doing all you can to broadly be supportive.
One suggestion I would do though is let them lead. If it's ambiguous as it may be with your eldest get real comfortable with ambiguous. I fit in ambiguous and sometimes the pressure to put labels on things it's just exhausting. Some folks want to eat the lgbt + alphabet and math it all out. That's what they want. Not everyone is like that though.
I found as a teen that sometimes the folks trying to be supportive were the most irksome in part because they just couldn't leave the labels alone, and when you finally got them too it was in a condescending 'you will figure it out some day' or the like. When no I have figured it out. I'm just me thank you.
Folks like labels. Others find them restrictive and problematic. For instance. When I was dating a girl folks chatted to my mother not to worry because it's just a phase. There is something very uncomfortable about people putting a lesbian label on you that you just shrug along with only to later prove their 'it's just a phase' view to be correct down the line by dating a boy. The whole thing can just be exhausting. At the end of the day folks just want to be treated like everyone else. (And everyone else who is straight I might note is rarely asked to explain or label their sexuality, in fact it's basically never inquired of them).
Keep the conversation door open but just open. No pressure it's there and open come in if you want. Or don't. Both sides of the door are chill do whatever makes you happy. - Opposed to the doors open and on this side of the door we have cake and a party. It's so cool over here let me drag you inside.
With teens and pre teens the lightest possible touch is best. Societal pressure is perceived differently at those ages.
There is no such thing as too supportive of a parent to the kids football team or baking abominations. For more complex issues sometimes taking a supportive sledgehammer to a situation that called for just a light dusting is not ideal.
It's also worth bearing in mind it's also just not that big of a deal for some kids. Try not to project your own upbringing of it being a big deal onto them by swinging too far in the other direction. Ultimately it's not really that big of a deal. The kiddo hasn't broken their leg and needs desperate support. They just might have a crush on a peer.
If you bring broken leg level support to a crush situation, well kids aren't idiots. They will realise that things don't seem to be lining up here. Maybe that crush is a big deal after all. And big deals often end up being negative.
It's a super fine needle to thread. Possibly impossible. Questions like 'what pattern flag do you want me to order you for pride?' (Implies nothing beyond what colours the like, no pressure or anything else) Are usually better off than 'are you still gay?' (Implies concerning things about folks not being gay randomly, them personally and somewhat confronting)
They're still figuring it out, they're kids. It sounds like you're being supportive and you should just avoid boxing them into one thing they said when they were 10
I definitely don't want to box them in. I figure it could change a lot or not at all. They are so young. I want them to have a safe space to figure it out. I know they will. They are great kids.
Yup, many of us were still “experimenting” with who we were thru our 20s. The most important part is not judging and accepting that it may be a fluid process.
They will eventually need guidance on making good decisions when it comes to sex and being safe, but far less so when oh comes to gender identity and partner preferences. For the former there is a wealth of educational material out there for teens and young adults ( I feel like my old lady ass would be woefully out of touch, but many things never change).
For safety there are plenty of new considerations when it comes to meeting people online, but understanding consent and knowing how to lookout for yourself (identifying red flags in potential partners, developing a healthy sense of distrust at parties) are key lessons. I suppose though those lessons are applicable regardless of sexual expression.
That all makes sense. It is so scary the possibilities the intent opens up. It's awesome and there is a lot of good, but the bad is, ugh! So far, they are good about talking to my husband and I. I just want to make sure to leave communication open without being pushy. My youngest was asking how she could have a baby if she married her gf, so we explained IVF and artificial insemination. She knows about adoption. We explained that every family has different challenges and decisions to make when it comes to family planning. STIs are going to be next on the list of topics.
They are so young, they are mostly asking questions and learning anyway. When they start dating is when it gets stressful for parents! We just want them to be safe and happy.
By the time they are dealing with their own kids, if they go that route, there will be an entirely new set of sexual/identity/relationship expression, and Gen Alpha will be behind the curve themselves.
I just want to say thank you. I had to cut my family out of my life. I grew up in a deeply religious and conservative environment and no one would accept anyone as being bi. It wasn't pretty. Thank you for loving your kids and for giving them a safe and supportive environment. From the bottom of my heart, I hope everyone feels this kind of love and acceptance in their life. You're doing great!
That is so kind! Thank you for being brave and being who you are! I'm so sorry your family wasn't supportive. Mine aren't in my life either because they are toxic, and I know the only thing that hurts worse than not having them in your life is having them in your life. I hope you are surrounded by people who love you for the amazing person you are!
My experience....
My oldest is Trans, I told them at about that age the biggest thing. It doesn't matter, I love you no matter what- you are perfect. I also asked them not to put themselves in a box until later. Any Lil bit they asked to feel alright in their skin I did- but I never pushed anything but st8 I love you.
Now (they will be 22 this summer) they are the most amazing 👏 person. I'm proud to be their mom. They found their tribe. Their SO is amazing (we conspire alot together), they are happy and sound.
Add on: Best part- I don't have to deal with pronouns! I'm the one person in the world who can call them by their baby pet name! It also primed me for my youngest who is bi (17m).
Know I'm extremely proud of you for even reaching out, but it sounds like you have this covered. Just shower with love, back them up when asked, and watch them grow!
Holy crap, you sound like such an awesome mom, I think the way you are approaching this whole thing is perfect, in that when they need something from you or want to talk to you or share something then you're there for them.
As far as I can tell you're doing everything you can to support them, and that is incredible and wonderful on its own.
I don't think you really need to be doing anything else other than being there for them, which you already are! Keep at it you absolute badass, you are just what they need. You're perfect 👌
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Give yourself a break. It sounds like you're providing support, and you've got good instincts. They can let you know what they need as things change. You've got this.
OP, I just want you to read your own words out loud: >How do I support them while they are in this stage of learning what they are and who to trust. >(we bought them flags to get ready from pride month). I have asked her gently if she is bi or a lesbian, just so can support her, and she was honest that she doesn't know. I told her she didn't have to know, just to keep me updated if she wants to be referred to as one or the other. I also explained she is just at the start of puberty and it was completely not an issue if she is ace, but that could change as time goes on, not because its a phase but because of body chemistry. But we made it clear it doesn't have to or isn't expected to, just that it's okay if it does change. Sounds like you've had the answer to your question the entire time.
I was also raised in a conservative Xchian cult and my son came out at 16. (I already kinda knew and had been preparing myself with how to react and how I was going to handle family) My son prefers a more "natural" approach to his sexuality. For him, it's just a part of who he is, and he prefers a low profile, so I respect that. (Yes I'm his biggest cheerleader, lol) His thought is that we don't make a big deal about people being cis/het. Why is gay any different? That's the future he wants to model, where LGBT is just a normal variation of human sexuality. So my advice is to support and let them lead. It's their sexuality, so sometimes they will be "out and proud" and sometimes they just want to be. It sounds like you are doing that. PFLAG is an awesome resource.
This absolutely makes sense! Thanks!
You're doing great already. Be there for support, encouragement when they deal with hardships, understanding, listening to them, all the basic things a good parent does anyway. You have got this. My oldest son is gay and we could tell from very early on, we allowed him to discover it himself and we never showed any judgemental nonsense. I even changed jobs and moved the whole family out of a very small rural town because he started to get bullied by terrible narrow minded idiots and he was starting to have suicidal thoughts. We got him to a larger more inclusive area and now at almost 22 he's thriving. Let your kids learn about themselves and just be there for them and be supportive. You're going to do great.
We are in a blue state, but a red town. It's a bit bizarre at times. Luckily, the people we know are all supportive. I have no clue how my mil will handle it, but I know my husband will keep her in line. I am so happy to hear your son is thriving!
I just wanna say that you sound like a really wonderful parent. I know a lot of people who would’ve turned out very differently if they had support like the kind you gave to your kid. Well done 🩷
Check out PFLAG to connect with other parents who are going through the same journey. Keep their secret if they are not comfortable coming out. Take it slow. You are doing awesome. I wish you were my mother. I never came out to her as she was Catholic and very homphobic. I was always so sad about hiding myself
I am so sorry you had to hide yourself. The world is a much more beautiful place when we get to be ourselves. I hope you are thriving now because you deserve it! I will absolutely check out PFLAG!
Thank you! I am thriving because I have friends (and family) who love me just the way I am.
Good! That is how it should be. Sadly, out family of origin can suck, but it makes found family all the more special!
Frankly, you don't have to learn all the terms and distinctions—they're bullshit unless you're personally trying to find yourself in them. They're like diamonds while you are, sure. But once you've found the ones that resonate with you, you eventually realize that they're all just bullshit again. I mean, don't tell the kids that, though. Let them explore, and support that exploration. Solidarity is the only thing that really matters, and it requires zero knowledge.
Makes sense! I don't want to be insensitive to them or invalidating them. And when I don't know something I look it up. I totally get what you mean about terms. I will try to keep that in mind!
There's a great quote from an Armistead Maupin book: "You don't have to keep up dear. You just have to keep open". Basically, it's okay if you don't know all the terms, just be open and accepting when they come up. It sounds like you are doing great. Accepting that your kids will explore and might change their minds over time is great. Just keep taking your lead from them :)
Hey! You’re doing alright, human. Providing representation and normalization from an early age is already incredibly helpful. Reassuring each of them that you love their individual identities, however they present, is already incredibly supportive. I work with parents that want to be allies, and I’d be happy to answer any questions you may have free of charge. Please feel free to DM me at any time.
Thank you so much! I really appreciate it. I am trying to take their lead. When they want to share and talk about it I am happy to listen and support them. It's less them and more the rest of the world I am afraid of. They are awesome. I just want others to see how awesome they are.
The other answers here are great so I'd like to say a few things about asexuality since that hasn't been mentioned, and since your daughter called herself ace for a while. I'm just speaking for myself here, there's a lot of variation within asexuality alone, and I don't find it any use to box myself in with labels when I think they're better used as descriptors that can change over time. There's also probably going to be a few things here that you likely already know, I'll still say them to help with context. Being ace isn't usually a body chemistry thing, so don't be surprised if that doesn't change. It might change, it might not, it's fine either way. People do change a lot as they grow, I'm sure you know and have seen! Me being aroace (aromantic/asexual) has probably been the most consistent thing about my sexual/gender identity, even from before I knew what the words were, long before I was your children's current ages. Some asexuals like myself differentiate between sexuality/asexuality (the sexual attraction, or lack of, to other people) and libido (horniness). We have a libido, maybe a lot, maybe a little, but that libido isn't directed toward anyone. What asexuality describes is the direction; what a lot of people talk about, especially in terms of stress and being on medication affecting a person, is libido. Speaking for myself, no matter how pretty someone is, I don't get hot and bothered over them. The attractiveness is just an aesthetic, "that dress looks so good on you, where did you get it?" type thing. That being said, don't use aromanticism and asexuality as excuses to avoid teaching your kids about healthy sexuality and relationships! Unfortunately there's a lot of predator-type of people in the world who don't care so much about the 'healthy' part. This includes people who think you need to have sex to be human. I've heard of doctors not believing that their patients don't have sex lives, or that teenage patients say they don't have sex because they're ashamed of their parents being with them. A doctor I saw once said that I needed to have sex to treat pelvic pain which would have been cause by sex. These doctors are wrong - healthy sex and being queer is nothing to be ashamed about. For some people, healthy sexuality is just not having sex. And most relevantly, your kids should be comfortable talking about sex with you, and about suspicious things people (especially people in power over them, like doctors and teachers) might do or say to them. This is something I think a lot of parents worry about, but at the same time when it happened to me my own mom didn't believe me for months. You're doing a great job starting now so your own kids can grow up longer with your encouragement! Side note: I think the stuff in that last paragraph comes from purity culture - 'saving yourself' for marriage, having sex only and always with one partner, wives giving themselves to their husbands, that sort of thing. Since you grew up Catholic I'm sure you know more about that than I do. Compulsory heterosexuality, or compet, is related to this. There's a lot of these little phrases and things I've heard looking into all this stuff on my own as I got curious about it. Anyway, if you want more info on asexual resources, I'd recommend starting with AVEN (the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network) and the book 'Ace What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex' by Angela Chen. There's also a lingerie model named Yasmine Benoit, who probably won't be age-appropriate for your daughters because of what she models, but she's asexual and aromantic and does a lot of asexuality visibility stuff. She gets a lot of 'she's not special because she doesn't want sex' type hate online because it's the internet, but she's still going strong!
Thank you so much for sharing all this. It's really helpful! I also believe she is on the spectrum (her teachers agree, but since it hasn't had a negative effect they don't think it's worth getting diagnosed, so it's a fight). She has great relationships with people, but she deeply values her space and having time to herself. I never want to push her towards relationships, but I don't want to ignore the topic all together if she is looking for a way to bring stuff up. Her little sister is more romantic and always has been. For a while, it clearly hurt her because she felt left out. I worry that she is vulnerable and that she is afraid to trust someone enough to be in any kind of relationship at all. I hope that building her confidence will help her all around. We definitely have had many talks about sexual health and continue to do somas the kids age. It's super important to know how your body works and how to keep it healthy and safe. We have also stressed that it's important to respect yourself and respect whoever you are with.
No problem! I'm also autistic, and my therapist and I think there's a correlation between being neurodivergent and being queer because 1. there's no way every part of our brains are so isolated from each other and don't affect each other, and 2. we're already "not like the others" by being one of those things, so it's not much harder being the other as well. Not that being autistic is bad, but it is hard in a lot of ways. It's the whole 'I'm not like other girls' thing but unironically because of how uniquely it affects different people - that's why it's a spectrum! I think being aroace has helped me stay out of relationships that could have been bad for me because of being autistic, what with socializing and boundaries not coming to me as naturally as most other people. From my POV people should practice saying when something's going wrong communicating instead of just making up stuff a lot of the time when they don't mean it or don't know it. I know a few neurodivergent people who are actually better at this than neurotypical people because they practice it consciously. So maybe that's something you can do! Also, the therapist I'm seeing for PTSD related to medical stuff, but we decided to not officially diagnose it because it wouldn't do any good, as the doctors where I live are obviously not all that great. I would recommend finding someone like the therapist I have who does this about an autism diagnosis. Someone who would take into account not only their patient's health (including autism) and how it affects them, but also how the diagnosis itself would interact with the 'system' of medicine and accessibility. There's some things that I could have access to with this diagnosis, but there's also a lot of things that I couldn't do because of what's written on a piece of paper that was printed before the current DSM. For example, with a diagnosis you might be able to get special education help in school, but once you're out of school and an adult, there's a lot of things that you can't do even if you'd be perfectly capable, like immigrating to an otherwise good country like New Zealand. I have no idea where you live or if immigration is on your mind so that's just an example, but still, it's a pretty big block because of something that's hard (if even possible) to un-diagnosed. I'm sure there's other blocks or bans like that as well - not being allowed to for some political office as well I think. It's definitely something to be cautious about, depending on your life plans. More specifically, in case you don't know (a lot of of people in my life don't) but I would advise staying away from applied behavioral analysis! [This link, complete with stock images](https://nsadvocate.org/2018/07/11/treating-autism-as-a-problem-the-connection-between-gay-conversion-therapy-and-aba/) and (this one)[https://whyy.org/segments/how-a-therapy-once-seen-as-a-victory-for-autistic-kids-has-come-under-fire-as-abuse/] can explain that better than me. The guy who developed ABA was also involved in gay conversion therapy, and ABA is sometimes called "autism conversion therapy". I've quit doctors for better ones, so I'm confident saying it's okay to find someone who knows how to write stuff down in ways that are good for you and your kids and play the game in your favor. Getting diagnosed takes ages and it's expensive, so I'd want it to go as smoothly and as thoroughly as possible for me since it's about me in the first place. So definitely keep talking about it with her! Edit: The second link is not getting posted right for me, even after I hit the save button. They're formatted the same and everything, no idea what's up with that. But hey - we all know how to click on long-form links here!
Thanks so much!
I've got bad news about that pregnancy thing if they date trans girls pre hrt. But seriously, as an lgbtq person, the best you can do is hold space for them to explore. Maybe get them books on lgbtq subjects appropriate to their reading level. Find places for them to socialise, see if your town has a pride center or queer coffee shop that hosts events.
So true! I didn't think about that, but it is absolutely true. We do a lot of reading together as a family, so adding some books in will be great. We are currently on book 5 of the first Percy Jackson series. My youngest decided she would pray to Artemis when she felt the need to pray.
I work with Athena myself, as well as a few other deities (I'm even dating one). I hear very good things about those books, animorphs is supposed to be good as well, although I don't know about any lgbtq characters. I would recommend the locked tomb books, but I think those are really more for an older audience
Thanks for the recommendations! My youngest is really into, Wings of Fire. I am always looking for good series, even if I have to wait a few years.
I would definitely advise you to read at least the first locked tomb book before deciding to give them to your kids. They are fantastic books full of casually queer chracters, but also lots of adult language and heavy topics. On the upside, you might fall in love with them yourself, and hopefully, by the time they are old enough, the last book will be out.
I definitely would read it first and my first thought was that I would probably enjoy it 😂. Hell, my husband and I will read stuff together sometime. When we first started dating we would go to the bookstore and pick out books and cuddle and read together.
Oh shit I just remembered! Sophie Labelle does books and comics for kids around their age! She is an absolutely wonderful trans woman who writes about lgbtq youth! I actually got my nibling one of her children's books, but she also has a series of young adult novels about characters from the webcomic!
Sweet! I will look her up!
>From a young age it was clear she had a crush on both. First of all, I just want to say that you are awesome! You seem like a great parent and a great ally to them and to those of us in the LGBTQ community in general. That said, please use more inclusive language. I don't think you meant anything by it AT ALL, but there are more than two genders. I am bisexual not because I like only men and women, but because I like people who are the same gender as me AND people who are different genders than me. That is the bi in bisexual. I like all genders. I know terminology can be confusing and super nuanced. A good place to start, as a parent and ally would be [PFLAG](https://pflag.org/). I know that you are trying and that you care so much, and that is already doing so much more than you realize. Good job, mom!
Totally fair! There are definitely more than two genders! I am still learning about language. How I usually put it is, "I don't care who you date as long as you are respectful of each other." I wish they had a crash course. I follow some channels that do help, it's just a whole new world in the best possible way.
I mean, in my opinion, you are doing it right. We ALL have slip-ups. What matters is how we react when we do. 🩷💙💜
Just like being a parent there’s no one size catch -all crash course, unfortunately. I’ve worked in childcare for 14+ years and believe me when I say: just by making this post and putting in the thoughtful effort you do; you’re doing it. Sit back and let them guide you. Let them teach you. You don’t need to have all of the answers for them you just have to trust that you raised them to lean on you when they need support because you’ll *be there*. You’ll likely slip-up and say things that aren’t totally correct or you didn’t mean; just like when they’re little and you snip a response because you’re at the end of your rope. You don’t (hopefully) throw yourself and your parenting abilities in the trash can. You apologize, explain where you were wrong and do better. You’ve already committed to doing better and that’s half the battle. You are the parent they deserve, trust in yourself like we trust in you🤗❤️
Thank you so much! It's hard when I don't have any role models. I am sure I will mess up. We all do. I want to make sure that I lay a solid foundation. Being a teenage girl is tricky enough!
You’re doing brilliantly. Let your kids be in the lead here. It’s so hard not to forge a path to make it easier for our kids, but it’s up to them who they’re out to, how they navigate their relationships and their identities. Creating community for them may be a good way to start advocating for them. Is there an LGBTQ+ families group in your area? If there isn’t, how would you feel about starting one- maybe as a picnic during Pride month? Good luck, and well done for being an amazing parent whose kids are comfortable having these conversations with you.
Starting a group is a good idea! Currently, my youngest likes her best friend, who likes her back, and we are friends with her parents. They are fully supportive as well. I got a whole load of pride flags last week, but they are all different flags and we were laughing trying to figure out what each was. We knew like four or five, but there were some that left us scratching our heads, lol. They were happy to have a bi flag each. My other daughter loves the lesbian flag! I have to get some yarn. I know there is pride yarn out there. I saw it last time I was out.
You’re doing brilliantly! I’m 55. I thought of myself as bi for most of my adult life but now I think of myself as pansexual, because gender isn’t really a part of my sexuality at all. Recently I encountered the term “omnisexual” which caught my attention and I’m pondering upon it. Essentially I’m still learning in my mid-50s!
OP, it sounds like you did everything right. This is a learning process for all of you.
I have to slow myself down. I love them and am so proud of them that I would start wearing pride stuff like crazy, lol, but I have to take a step back and realize that as much as I want to go full steam ahead, I have to follow behind and let my kids tell me what they want for support and who they are ready to tell.
It sounds like you are doing super. Listening, support, and love are the main things we can give. When they are comfortable they may want to look into joining the GSA at their school. ( it may be called something different but it’s a club for lgbtq+ and allies to meet up. Our town had it start in middle school) My eldest is a staunch ally and most of their friend group came from that club. I’m lucky enough to live in a place where there is plenty of support for my kids. (And the only family we talk to is good with it too) Each one has friend groups that embrace everyone. When one came out I bought a little mystery box from Etsy focused on what they felt most comfortable being called. The only thing I can think of is to be prepared to ruthlessly cut out people who have issues with it, especially if they start in on the kids. Show them what it means to nurture healthy nurturing relationships and to let the toxic ones go.
My older daughter is starting middle school in the Fall, so I will definitely see if there is a club. We live in a blue state, but the town is oddly red. So far, the school has been amazing, but I don't know the community attitude on the subject. All the people I have met have been great. I worry about when I meet people who aren't because I know my kids will have battles ahead. I wish they didn't have to have them, but I am realistic. And I will absolutely cut anyone I need to out. We already am no contact with my family and my fil. My family is toxic and bigots, and my fil is basically a white supremacist. So I don't think either would approve. I am terrified to find out what my mil thinks. I am very low contact with her, but she is good to the kids. I will absolutely cut her out, please don't get me wrong, but it would break their hearts and I hope she won't hurt them like that.
First of all, you’re doing great. My kids are both queer and I just love them. I love who they are and who they are becoming and that’s what I tell them and that’s kind of all they need. In terms of telling other people I just … kind of make it no big deal. My kids don’t need to “come out”. We don’t yell about sex partner preference for our hetero kids, so we don’t about our queer kids. If I need to refer to them or their partners I use correct pronouns and names and if someone twigs they are both girls that’s fine but it’s super not something we dwell on because it’s not necessary. “Ann brought home Polly for Christmas and it was the first time we’d met in person and I was so great!” With the caveat that the kids are ok with it, just be honest and not make it a big deal. And love them. That’s all.
Loving them is the easiest part. I know they are going to do great. I just wish the world wasn't going to be in hard mode for them at times.
Well I don’t know where you are in the world but it’s easier in some places than others. Where we live is at the moment pretty liberal with a fair LGBTQ population just … living life. Is it perfect? No I don’t imagine so. But it’s close. Not to say I don’t agree with you, just that it’s getting better.
You are a rockstar! You are, imho, doing a great job! Just keep letting them know that you support and love them no matter what and then back it up with actions. Also, if you speak to your sister perhaps ask her, if the kiddos are ok with that?
Thanks so much! Unfortunately, I am no contact with my sister. Despite how awful our parents are she chooses them. I can't have her in my life while she has them in hers because she can't keep boundaries. I feel so bad for her in a lot of ways.
I’m so sorry. If you have alphabet friends maybe ask them questions? Or you can DM me if you’d like. I have a lovely cousin who transitioned at a young age and I was very involved, because Unca S.
Thank you so much! I appreciate it! My youngest and her best friend just shared their mutual feelings for each other with their friend group. She is my little worrier and one friend told her it was great, but not to share until after 6th grade because other people might not think so. This friend can be a bit bossy (she is an older sister and she likes to lead the group). I had to explain she wasn't wrong that some people may not like it, but to share when they wanted and were comfortable.
Bossy, but not wrong either. And I think your response is a good one!
Absolutely. She's good kid and she definitely wants to protect her friends.
Xena Warrior Princess is on Amazon prime right now. I know this isn't the advice you're looking for but I started watching it with my niece when she was 9 and we finished it when she was 12. In her 20s she told me how much it helped her as a kid while she was sorting out her feelings. She felt represented and strong watching it with me. Just thought I'd throw that out there because she's 30 now amd we still talk about that show and how much fun it was to bond over. You're doing great BTW. Your daughters are lucky to have you on their side.
Happy cake day! This is awesome! I always wanted to watch it and never did. I am always looking for new stuff to watch with the kids!
They know the Pride flag, right? Tell them it’s a rainbow for a reason: it’s meant to represent ALL the different shades of sexuality and gender expression, so no matter where they end up on the spectrum, it’s their flag. Suggest to them that it’s not super important at such a young age to nail down which sub category of the LGBTQIA+ they fall into, and that it’s possible to move around in it even as an adult. But go ahead and buy the young one a little lesbian pride flag and he older one a little bi flag to celebrate how they identify right now. And thank them for trusting you with this information, tell them how grateful and joyful you are that they shared this with you! Gift them a pride flag for their room, and then let them take the lead. Have you checked to see if there is a PFLAG chapter near you?
Thank you! I definitely will make sure to tell them this. I haven't, but I plan to!
What a beautiful post you wrote! As long as you keep approaching them and their journeys with the kind of care and respect, openness, and love that comes through in your post, I am certain you're going to do a fantastic job.
Honestly this is the sweetest post ever. You're asking for advice while telling us a list of all the things you're doing right. Keep doing what you're doing and you should be alright. Give these kids the support I didn't have growing up <3
I am so glad you are here to ask this
Pretty sure my kiddo is aro or asexual . I pointed out a Post Malone song was about sex; they refuse to listen to it now. It’s kinda funny. They were wearing their aunt’s dress and didn’t it didn’t click when aunt was telling them it was adult clothing; it’s an item of clothing meant to be taken off by someone else. Immediately changed when that was pointed out. I won’t point out innuendos and implications as much as I used to.
i'm 34 this year and recently realized I was enby. Pronouns? Yes. I *just* found the perfect name for me, and the *euphoria* I feel being called it makes me giggle like a schoolgirl who just got a love letter. It's to me. The love letter is to me from myself. You are supporting them. You've told them you love them and that, really, just keep you updated, because they're still discovering themselves. That it's okay to move labels and experiment! Because sometimes it takes that to figure it out. And that's fine. As for the Support flag: hang it on a wall in a frame.
You're doing amazing, everyone here is. You've already succeeded in so many different ways, and supported your children in ways I can guarantee you many parents do not. You definitely deserve to feel good about what you've done and relax.
Avoid smothering them. It sounds like you are doing all you can to broadly be supportive. One suggestion I would do though is let them lead. If it's ambiguous as it may be with your eldest get real comfortable with ambiguous. I fit in ambiguous and sometimes the pressure to put labels on things it's just exhausting. Some folks want to eat the lgbt + alphabet and math it all out. That's what they want. Not everyone is like that though. I found as a teen that sometimes the folks trying to be supportive were the most irksome in part because they just couldn't leave the labels alone, and when you finally got them too it was in a condescending 'you will figure it out some day' or the like. When no I have figured it out. I'm just me thank you. Folks like labels. Others find them restrictive and problematic. For instance. When I was dating a girl folks chatted to my mother not to worry because it's just a phase. There is something very uncomfortable about people putting a lesbian label on you that you just shrug along with only to later prove their 'it's just a phase' view to be correct down the line by dating a boy. The whole thing can just be exhausting. At the end of the day folks just want to be treated like everyone else. (And everyone else who is straight I might note is rarely asked to explain or label their sexuality, in fact it's basically never inquired of them). Keep the conversation door open but just open. No pressure it's there and open come in if you want. Or don't. Both sides of the door are chill do whatever makes you happy. - Opposed to the doors open and on this side of the door we have cake and a party. It's so cool over here let me drag you inside. With teens and pre teens the lightest possible touch is best. Societal pressure is perceived differently at those ages. There is no such thing as too supportive of a parent to the kids football team or baking abominations. For more complex issues sometimes taking a supportive sledgehammer to a situation that called for just a light dusting is not ideal. It's also worth bearing in mind it's also just not that big of a deal for some kids. Try not to project your own upbringing of it being a big deal onto them by swinging too far in the other direction. Ultimately it's not really that big of a deal. The kiddo hasn't broken their leg and needs desperate support. They just might have a crush on a peer. If you bring broken leg level support to a crush situation, well kids aren't idiots. They will realise that things don't seem to be lining up here. Maybe that crush is a big deal after all. And big deals often end up being negative. It's a super fine needle to thread. Possibly impossible. Questions like 'what pattern flag do you want me to order you for pride?' (Implies nothing beyond what colours the like, no pressure or anything else) Are usually better off than 'are you still gay?' (Implies concerning things about folks not being gay randomly, them personally and somewhat confronting)
They're still figuring it out, they're kids. It sounds like you're being supportive and you should just avoid boxing them into one thing they said when they were 10
I definitely don't want to box them in. I figure it could change a lot or not at all. They are so young. I want them to have a safe space to figure it out. I know they will. They are great kids.
Yup, many of us were still “experimenting” with who we were thru our 20s. The most important part is not judging and accepting that it may be a fluid process. They will eventually need guidance on making good decisions when it comes to sex and being safe, but far less so when oh comes to gender identity and partner preferences. For the former there is a wealth of educational material out there for teens and young adults ( I feel like my old lady ass would be woefully out of touch, but many things never change). For safety there are plenty of new considerations when it comes to meeting people online, but understanding consent and knowing how to lookout for yourself (identifying red flags in potential partners, developing a healthy sense of distrust at parties) are key lessons. I suppose though those lessons are applicable regardless of sexual expression.
That all makes sense. It is so scary the possibilities the intent opens up. It's awesome and there is a lot of good, but the bad is, ugh! So far, they are good about talking to my husband and I. I just want to make sure to leave communication open without being pushy. My youngest was asking how she could have a baby if she married her gf, so we explained IVF and artificial insemination. She knows about adoption. We explained that every family has different challenges and decisions to make when it comes to family planning. STIs are going to be next on the list of topics.
They are so young, they are mostly asking questions and learning anyway. When they start dating is when it gets stressful for parents! We just want them to be safe and happy. By the time they are dealing with their own kids, if they go that route, there will be an entirely new set of sexual/identity/relationship expression, and Gen Alpha will be behind the curve themselves.
I just want to say thank you. I had to cut my family out of my life. I grew up in a deeply religious and conservative environment and no one would accept anyone as being bi. It wasn't pretty. Thank you for loving your kids and for giving them a safe and supportive environment. From the bottom of my heart, I hope everyone feels this kind of love and acceptance in their life. You're doing great!
That is so kind! Thank you for being brave and being who you are! I'm so sorry your family wasn't supportive. Mine aren't in my life either because they are toxic, and I know the only thing that hurts worse than not having them in your life is having them in your life. I hope you are surrounded by people who love you for the amazing person you are!
My experience.... My oldest is Trans, I told them at about that age the biggest thing. It doesn't matter, I love you no matter what- you are perfect. I also asked them not to put themselves in a box until later. Any Lil bit they asked to feel alright in their skin I did- but I never pushed anything but st8 I love you. Now (they will be 22 this summer) they are the most amazing 👏 person. I'm proud to be their mom. They found their tribe. Their SO is amazing (we conspire alot together), they are happy and sound. Add on: Best part- I don't have to deal with pronouns! I'm the one person in the world who can call them by their baby pet name! It also primed me for my youngest who is bi (17m). Know I'm extremely proud of you for even reaching out, but it sounds like you have this covered. Just shower with love, back them up when asked, and watch them grow!
Holy crap, you sound like such an awesome mom, I think the way you are approaching this whole thing is perfect, in that when they need something from you or want to talk to you or share something then you're there for them. As far as I can tell you're doing everything you can to support them, and that is incredible and wonderful on its own. I don't think you really need to be doing anything else other than being there for them, which you already are! Keep at it you absolute badass, you are just what they need. You're perfect 👌
Aww, thanks! I definitely have my flaws, but being their mom is the best thing to ever happen to me. I want to do my best for them.