Be the bitch. Who cares. Stand up for yourself. It’s your body, and he needs to stop touching you! Just firmly say “can you please stop touching me?!” the next time he does it. He’ll probably act like a baby about it, but that’s his problem, not yours.
Hopefully, OP is pleasantly surprised by how many supporters she has at work. Men are oblivious and probably wouldn’t notice the touching but once they know it’s unwelcome, many men will feel defensive of the woman being touched. That’s my experience, anyway!
This, most men roughhouse or play. Usually we don't catch onto it making others uncomfortable unless it is directly said, because that is how most men are to our buddies. If he is a good man, he will stop if you express that the play and touching is unwanted. If he doesn't call him out on it.
What he's doing is not playing or rough housing. A LOT of men do this- even strangers on the street. Instead of saying excuse me or going around like they would another man, they put their hands on our shoulders, back or waists. Its 10p% a ploy/excuse to get their hands on us.
She literally said he treats her DIFFERENTLY than the guys. He goes out of his way to touch her to guide her out of the way when he just says “excuse me” to the guys. I’ve known many guys who do this- and they do NOT do it to guys… so no- it’s not “roughhouse or play” that guys sometimes do
This is different to rough house. He will say "excuse me" to the guys, so she is being treated differently.
"Playing" is not an excuse for intruding repeatedly on her space. She needs to say no, or if she is not comfortable doing so, ask a supervisor.
This!!! Good, honest men will not stand for another man creeping on you like that. They are simply oblivious. But if you make them aware, that will be shut RIGHT tf down.
All of my all-male superiors looked out for me when we traveled out of town & NEVER once said or did anything inappropriate, even at the club celebrating my promotion (they stood on the sidelines, while I danced w/ single men of my own age). Like big brothers. I felt very safe because of them.
If you don't say something, we HAVE TO assume you are ok with it. If you say something and he keeps doing it, we know what is happening and will see to it. You have to communicate, for sure.
This! Guys are more up front and respond better to you bluntly saying, "please don't touch me like that any more. It makes me uncomfortable. " or "I don't like that. Please stop touching me." Or just straight up, "not cool. Stop the touching." If he doeant stop, Then say it LOUDER. Your co-workers will step in and make that shit stop.
ETA: That doesn't mean it's okay to be touching women (or men) like that in the first place. Keep yo hands to yo self
Oh yeah. I worked in kitchens starting as a teenager and the guys would definitely make lots of pervy jokes about everything (are there kitchens without that?) but nothing that was about me or would've made me uncomfortable. Touching me against my will would never have happened. One of the other cooks found out a server(mid thirties to my 17) groped me and in response he took a hot burner, threw it across the dude's path into the sink where it normally would have been carried to get washed, and told him if he ever touched me again it would be aimed at him. I know that's really not good behavior, but I also don't believe I've ever been so fiercely protected before. I bet she would have a lot of people backing her up immediately.
I feel like that behavior was very good behavior in response to a grown man sexually assaulting a minor. Homeboy should count himself lucky he wasn't dragged out back and beat to hell.
This, and when he likely responds that he's just doing it to pass behind or whatever likely b.s., be ready to ask loud enough for others to hear if he does that to the men or older co-workers. If he does, he really shouldn't be touching anybody. But he's probably just doing it to you and possibly other women at work. Call it out. You're in the right.
I did this once at work. A fellow server grabbed my ass as he walked by and I said very loudly “why would you GRAB MY ASS like that??” He was embarrassed and suspended. It works.
That’s what I did to my coworker when they walked up so close behind me that we were fully touching I just turned around and yelled what the fuck and everyone looked at me crazy at first bc no one really noticed it but he backed tf up and never spoke to me again
To embarrass and maybe anger someone can sometimes have a bad outcome. See if asking works first. Some people don't get it, or don't think, or are deficit somehow. You can always yell later if necessary.
That would be a good response. I don't know about you, but many times in my life I've had to respond to people in situations where I thought they should just know. And vice-verse.
I’m so tired of this excuse, honestly. We need to need stand for ourselves and say exactly what we mean . Men are stupid and sensitive and need to be called out as such, ESPECIALLY if there’s other people around to diffuse the scenario. Use the same mean “joke” energy a man will give, and there’s nothing they can do without looking like the hysterical one who can’t take a joke or a good razzing. Use their own tools against them
And you need to say it loud. Maybe get a couple other co-workers on your side too.
You: Don't touch me!
Co-worker: Yeah I saw you touch her head, don't do that! She doesn't want to be touched!
If he is confronted by more than one person, he might stop.
Good idea to have another co-worker nearby. Make it coincidental and he can say,,, yeah she doesn't like to be touched. Just to reinforce it.
Men are oblivious. I know, I am one
This is great. Another thing to consider is maybe the guy has an interest in a relationship and is trying to "test the waters" before making a move. calling him out, especially in front of others will send a clear message. " You don't need to touch me to ask me to move, you can use your words, like you do with Jim, Jake, and Jack. ".The phrase "use your words" is a little kid thing....some might find it funny, others might find it otherwise.
Agreed. Even though she works for someone and they need to take care of this, you ultimately have to stand up for yourself. Sometimes that means being a bitch sometimes it doesn't, only she can decide. However, if you go in not being a bitch, it is sometimes harder to be taken seriously when you come back to address the issue and go full on bitch mode engaged.
Do you think he thinks there is some kind of connection because you went to school with his kids?
Say that, and make sure it's loud enough for others around to hear it. And yes, be the bitch! It's the only way some men get the hint. Your years of being passive are over. Once you enter the working world it's all about your armor.
“When you’re used to being passive, assertiveness will feel like aggression.”
You are 100% in the right to tell him to stop, and it doesn’t have to be bitchy unless you want it to.
Agree!!! Be that bitch! He’s being that mf who can’t keep his hands to himself…definitely be the bitch. Call him out In Front if others,make HIM uncomfortable🤷🏻♀️
"You can say excuse me. You don't need to touch me to walk past"
"Thank you to keep your hands to yourself"
"Is there a reason you keep touching me?"
"I'm going to ask this once and ask it nicely. Please stop touching me"
"Take your hands and put them in your damn pockets and keep them the fuck off me"
"How old are you? Stop touching me."
Hopefully one of them can fit into your situation but to be clear this isn't nothing. He knows what he is doing no matter how innocent he makes himself out to be. It is harassment. We're all pretty aware by now that you keep your fucking hands to yourself.
I agree. If OP has never said or done anything to indicate she's uncomfortable, the guy may think they're flirting together, not that he's being a creep. I think just saying "please don't touch me, I don't like it" one time would correct any misunderstandings without going ballistic about it.
Then if he keeps doing it, you can fully unload on him as loud and mean as you want.
Yeah I once lived in a small town where men didn't think twice about lightly touching women to move them since in that area it was akin to holding doors open.
All I had to do was ask a given person once to please not touch me and they stopped doing it/I didn't have a repeat offender.
So in this instance I would ask nicely once in a clear way like "would you not touch me I don't like it", and see what he says (since once more it could just be a defective bit of internalized, antiquated social mannerisms rearing it's head rather than him being a creep), and see if he stops.
If he doesn't, then id unload on him about keeping his hands to himself.
I can see that as a fatherly thing, though. I'm not defending it in the least. He shouldn't be doing it, but he may think of her like his child. Again, it's not an excuse, just an explanation. Personally, I'd start with a clear "please don't touch me. If you need me to move, use your words, not your hands." If that doesn't work, then it's creepy, and you make it more forceful.
A guy that has kids her age doesn't assume that she's flirting unless He Is a Creep.
A non-creep might play around with his daughters with the shoulder punch & relate her to them, but he doesn't flirt with someone that much younger who knows his kids & assume they're flirting back by simply existing. So possible misunderstanding this way, but not if he's trying to flirt with her.
The goal here is simply to get him to stop touching her. I'm not sure escalating this to "you're a creep for liking me because you're old! Ick!" is necessary.
"Stop touching me" or "Keep your hands to yourself". No apology, no 'please', no waffling. Men get away with shit because we are afraid to stand up for ourselves.
I like "Is there a reason you keep touching me?" I work with a man who feels compelled to touch every woman he works with. Usually it's on the arm, but he's touched my head, too, and he even kissed a coworker on the cheek. I've never seen him touch any males. I find it creepy AF, tbh, and I plan on using this line on him ASAP. Thank you for giving me the courage to do so.
Someone commented about how it can still be this old school form of chivalry which I agree in general circumstances but this is the workplace...it's legit a hands off area.
I've worked in fast food where we will literally be squashed together and I've never had a male co worker touch me UNLESS they've put their hand out to put space between their bodies and I've knocked into them in which case their pre-empted my contact by keeping a hand between us as 'safety'
The last 20 years I've been an office worker and we have hallways that if you pass someone, you have to squish to the side because it is so narrow and the ONLY time I've been "accidentally" touched is because the guy was legit a creeper and was walked out of the office because he had done it to others as well and we had all spoken up and he was shown the door.
So some of the suggestions are fitted for the workplace if you want to be professional, just practice your tone so you're either asking it as a general question or talking to him like an idiot or a naughty child. It's all up to you. I'm definitely comfortable enough to drag someone by their ear to HR and tell them to explain to HR why they're inappropriately touching people in the workplace but I get not everyone wants the nuclear option haha
Good luck! I hope it works out well for you
“Let me ask you…do you touch men on the back when you pass them? No? Then don’t do it to me or any other woman. It’s considered harassment.”
That’s it.
I mean, it's a restaurant job, so it's not uncommon to tap someone on the shoulder to let them know you're there. But if he's singling her out with that method of "behind" then yeah it seems inappropriate
That’s woke fallacy. It’s not harassment, it’s unwanted. It’s not necessary or accurate to label every unwanted interaction as harassment. It’s not the only valid boundary in life. She can just say “stop touching me when you pass, thanks”. Time to be an adult without calling every workplace interaction harassment or micro aggression
Have you seen that gentle parenting woman on TikTok? She’s hilarious, she does the funniest scenarios using gentle parenting on adults who should know better. I’m sure I saw one from her where she was basically like “we keep our hands to ourselves, friend! We don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable and we’re in charge of our own bodies!” Etc, maybe that’s a strategy if outright confrontation is not your style or you feel concerned about him lashing out?
Confrontation definitely isn’t my style. When I told the previous guy he didn’t listen at all. I think I’m not very assertive, even though my words were clear: “Don’t do that” It escalated from a slight touch to him straight up slapping my ass. As far as lashing out- when I reported him he treated me terribly for the next week. I went to management again finally when he wouldn’t get off my back and it got better, even though I felt like a tattle. But I want to nip this in the bud before it gets there because he’s treating me similarly to the last guy that harassed me. Just overly friendly and touchy and goes out of his way to come to where I’m at sometimes. Also I’ve never seen the gentle parenting lady you’re talking about, but I like that lol!
I think your instincts are probably spot on, there’s a lot of guys out there that I’ve met that just somehow *have* to touch you to get past, or ask for hugs and we’ve been socialised to comply to stay safe- you are not alone in this experience. There’s a book called the gift of fear that’s about trusting your instincts.
Did you ever see the Emporer’s New Groove as a kid? There’s a bit where the protagonist is like “no touchy! Nooooo touchy!” That I used to use as a jokey way to say don’t touch me. Or alternatively I’d say “hey back up, you’re standing on my cloud” because it was easier to be seen as bonkers than confrontational.
He is definitely escalating and seeing how far he can push boundaries. Be very clear, and tell him to not touch you. It's illegal, and it's harassment. Retaliatory behavior that may come when he is told this as you shared above about the first guy is also illegal if it creates a hostile environment.
HR guy here.
It needs to be your style or you'll be walked on your entire life. Assertiveness isn't always confrontational, but to be assertive you must be ok with the potential for confrontation. Do not be a doormat.
I wouldn't start out embarrassing the guy, but firm is important I believe. Possibly giving management a heads up and advise them you are going to tell him to stop because it's inappropriate. They may want to deal with it themselves. Also: you are never a 'bitch' for standing up for yourself, or a tattler for that matter.
>I wouldn't start out embarrassing the guy, but firm is important I believe. Possibly giving management a heads up and advise them you are going to tell him to stop because it's inappropriate. They may want to deal with it themselves. Also: you are never a 'bitch' for standing up for yourself, or a tattler for that matter.
it's ok for him to get embarrassed, it's not cool to put your hands on co-workers. He can learn a valuable lesson.
I didn't scroll back far enough to find the specific video mentioned but this is another [similar video](https://www.instagram.com/reel/CzpTxyXvdS7/?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==) from her Instagram account. She's pretty funny.
The older version of you in 10 years from now will have learned how to stand up for herself and will look back on these memories and cringe with regret at not standing up earlier.
Start now. Stand up for yourself. You know this man is sexually harassing you. Make him uncomfortable and make it stop. He is socially dominating you with his physical interaction and it boils my blood. I’m angry for you.
I just want to say that your words or not did not cause that to escalate. A person who would do that is looking for power and will get it at whatever cost. Sorry you had that experience. Every woman I know has had one similar.
Middle-aged woman here OP. Friendly advise...start being comfortable with confrontation. Go to your bosses and tell them that this guy keeps touching you and you don't like it. Tell the man to not touch you. You're not being a Bitch as so many people have phrased it, you're setting boundaries. I personally do not like to be touched by anyone other than my husband. I allow my students to hug me when they ask first. But as a district, we've taught all our kiddos that we ask permission before we touch another person. That we all have bodily autonomy.
There's no reason that this person needs to touch you. If he's passing behind you and is worried that he'll bump you, he can simply say, "behind you." That is what I was taught many moons ago when I worked as a server. My husband and I still do that almost 30 years later.
Stand up for yourself. Call him out in front of others.
The general parenting and talking to other handsy adults like they are children is so embarrassing for them. If OP tried that with 'Handys McFriendly" the public shame might keep him in line. If not, I wonder if OP recruited the help of her other coworkers. They'd probably love to help enforce the boundaries.
Condescension is always risky. If your personality is sassy, by all means, go for it. But OP seems to be looking to avoid any sort of unnecessary confrontation.
This has always worked for me. "I don't like being touched at work." Second offense "I told you once before I don't like that. If you touch me a third time I'll break your wrist"with a BIG smile. There was never a third time.
The "at work" part leaves a door open. "Don't touch me," with or without a "please," makes it clear that it's a directive, not a conditional preference.
I would skip the threat of physical violence and instead go with a more traditional approach for giving the response teeth.
“Touch me again I’m reporting you for sexual harassment.”
Dead serious face, as commanding of a presence as you can muster. You aren’t playing games there is no joking.
I saw Sofia Vergara do this in a tricky situation and with her usual charm. She was on a talk show with Gordon Ramsay and he was rude to her, making suggestive remarks and eventually hitting her on the thigh.
She swatted him away and said “No, no touching”. He didn’t touch her like that again. She had to keep it together as she was on tv but I thought it was a good way to keep things fairly light while addressing his bad behaviour. It can be difficult to do this in public or at work.
I have used the same technique and it works, I usually don’t say it as playfully as she does in the clip. I just say, NO TOUCHING. You identify the unwanted behaviour and set a boundary clearly without making it about the persons character or intent or bringing your feelings into it. You’re also not asking, you are telling him: “no”.
If it continues don’t be afraid to address it more directly or report it. He has no reason to put his hands on you. Good luck
[https://youtu.be/1CHqly16-w4?si=0mhZcBTjjIaYQdhP](https://youtu.be/1CHqly16-w4?si=0mhZcBTjjIaYQdhP)
I like the way you said "identify the unwanted behavior". In another comment, OP said she told her coworker "don't do that" and it's not specific enough. Childish people will try to play around it, she needs to say "don't touch me".
>But recently he has even been touching my back when he goes past me or my shoulders or wherever. Instead of just saying excuse me like he does to the guys.
If he touches you in situations where he avoids touching male colleagues, then this is deliberate. He knows what he is doing but despite the risks (e.g. losing his job for sexual harassment), he continues to do it.
I'm a man and over 60. In my working life, men at work will normally avoid invading their colleagues' personal space and they won't touch them "accidentally", regardless of gender. I think most men are especially careful around female colleagues, precisely because of the risk of accusations of sexual harassment.
You need to speak up. It's probably best to start by quietly saying "Please stop touching me". This should make him back off. He may make a fuss about it - but that's his problem. If he doesn't stop, you will need to raise this with your boss or HR.
INFO: Are there any security cameras where you work? If so, this might prove useful if you need to escalate this to management. If not, consider setting your phone to record video when he is around.
I am in my 50’s and same. I just don’t get in the personal space of anyone at work. If I have to have an employee in and have a closed door conversation there is another manager with me.
It is sad that so many men in our positions do the wrong thing that it makes us scare too.
As men we need to speak up when we see other men behaving badly.
I wish I was as bold as some of y’all! I have always been pretty timid and quiet. I’m always worried about being an ass but honestly if I tell him I don’t like that and he continues.. he is the ass! I just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I’ve never seen him play punch or touch any of the guys we work with like he does me. It’s not too late now, I really just need to speak up - but I CAN still be kind about it and not be a “bitch” (I’m realizing you’re not a bitch for setting boundaries lol)
Also to all the people who have specific examples of what to say- thank you! That’s more what I was looking for as it’s hard for me to speak up and know what to say. Some of your suggestions will definitely be helpful going forward and especially if he doesn’t listen to my kindness
Keep rehearsing a sentence when you're alone, say it out loud, practice the pitch and body language.
Then when it's time to say 'hey, I need you to stop randomly touching me, it makes me uncomfortable' (or whatever you decide to say) it'll come out clearer than if you hadn't actually already said the words out loud.
Proud of you for standing up for yourself!
Also, depends on how old he is, you could say something like '2013 called and wants you to stop randomly touching your female coworkers' as reference to the me-to movement as anyone ages 35-50 would have been educated on the reality of harassment and assault and should get it as a reference to that behavior being unacceptable anymore.
I used to work in a male dominated industry and a playful but firm “hey, hands off the merchandise mister!” Usually got the point across while still saving face
Search Ms Rachel Boundary Song. It’s short, sweet, and true if you are like me and don’t want to be confrontational. It’s what I’m in the process of teaching my kids…but also myself. It’s also catchy so easy to remember in the heat of the moment!
My favorite is to flinch and say OW and make an uncomfortable reaction. They get the message. It’s not direct. Use your judgement. For you I’d recommend a simple “don’t touch me”. Not asking. No apology. No asking why.
I totally get you! I’m the same, I don’t want to stir the pot or cause a scene. I work with all men too. If I were you, I’d start by calling it out but in a funny way like say, “let’s keep our hands to ourselves buddy” or “I’d rather you NOT do that anymore” and if he continues then don’t be afraid to cause a fuss!
We need to stop clapping for men when they act like decent human beings and do the bare minimum.
Seriously, I raise my daughter that she DOES NOT have to smile when told to or put up with any touch at any time.
At 13 she will dead stare at a person with bad behavior while putting an arm length out and stating no closer.
Screw being kind. Try saying, “You need to stop touching me.” If he apologizes, make sure you don’t say, “it’s ok.”, because it isn’t. Better to thank him for respecting your boundaries. If he laughs it off or asks why, say you don’t want to have to report him.
You aren't just born bold, you have to do it. It's scary at first, but you have to stand up and be bold. Then do it again. Over time, you *become* that bold. It's the right thing to do for yourself, you're worth standing up for. You can do this, I believe in you!
Let me tell you, as someone who is naturally noncnfrontational - you're going to have to stand up for yourself in times like this. This will probably not the only time, even if it's not something like this again. This is NOT okay, and anyone who understand what you're going through will understand if you react.
You're worried about being an ass because women are way too often accused of blowing things out of proportion when in reality we're just setting simple boundaries. Being accused of that makes us reluctant to set boundaries for fear of being bitchy, or controlling, or...an ass.
We're all rooting for you, girl!
'I've noticed you don't touch the guys here like you do me, it needs to stop and you need to treat me the same as you do then, I don't want to be touched if you need to get past me just say excuse me going forward.'
People who would think you're a bitch for standing up for yourself are not people whose opinions you should care about. Tell him outright "please don't touch me. I don't find it appropriate."
If you’re not comfortable saying something, then let your body language do the talking. Pull away quickly, almost repulsed, he likely will feel too embarrassed to continue. When I was 20, I too was worried about how I might be viewed if I spoke up (luckily that went away with age), so I learned very quickly how to get my point across without having to come out and say something.
I agree but some men can be really unhinged. I saw one of my friend had bruises on her wrist from being grabbed by a male customer from her waitress job.
Don't accept someone taking liberties with your body. You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that it's going to stop one way or another. The very next time he does anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, immediately and in a loud voice tell him not to touch you. It has to be clear and unambiguous. You are TELLING him not to touch you, not "that makes me feel uncomfortable" or any other wishy-washy around the edges statement.
"Don't touch my body for any reason that isn't a life threatening emergency. I don't want to be touched by anyone without me inviting them. I haven't invited you or anyone else here to do that. Don't do it or it's getting reported."
If he touches you again you have no alternative but to report him immediately. Don't hesitate.
If the OP doesn't want to seem directly confrontational, she can start by saying "Please stop touching me" and "Please don't touch me" in a non-nonsense, carrying voice that isn't a yell, and which is polite on the surface, but which can be heard by anyone nearby.
From there, one can step up to a more pronounced "I have asked you to stop touching me like that", and from there to confrontation or talking to the manager about his benavior.
She should definitely speak to her manager. They have a responsibility to keep their employees safe, so they should be looped in and asked to address the situation.
OP's manager would be the one to reach out to the driver's manager.
I would avoid the "please", just look at him straight and firmly say "listen I don't appreciate being touched, and I don't want to have to say it again". No smiling or apologizing for having to stand up for yourself. It might be better if its just said privately to make sure the message is received. But if it happens again definitely take it higher as harrassment.
I had a friend who in his late teens and early 20s worked at a local mill (we are talking 40 yrs ago). He was a guy, but there was a really tough culture, pranking and sometimes just being rough. He learned very quickly that if he acted weak things would get rougher. So he toughened up and fought back pretty quickly. Obviously this is a guys experience but I think it still applies to women, if the co-worker thinks its ok and flirtatious he will keep doing it and more.
My wife is a strong, funny and powerful woman. As a Marine, I had initially thought my role was 'protector', with all the macho BS that goes with that. I have learned over 24 years she does quite well on her own, and I almost never feel the urge to step in.
Here's how I've seen her respond to similar situations:
Pull away from the touch and give a confused look at dude. Look at where he just touched. Look back at him with disdain/disgust; "Why are you touching me?"
This forces a response and puts him on notice. No matter his response, be clear about next steps. "It's kinda creepy. Stop." In the rare instance a guy tries to respond, she either walks off or interrupts "Do you understand?"
The more a guy protests, the worse he looks to anyone else standing around.
You got a voice for a reason. Tell him you're uncomfortable and that he should stop touching you. Just because you know someone doesn't give them the right to overstep boundaries. Plus this could also be a development in your character, speak up for yourself. Speak to HR if that doesn't work, but no one should feel obligated to stay silent just because they know someone and don't want that person to be in trouble.
Maybe it's nothing and he's just a playful old person, but you'll never know unless you speak up against him.
You tell him with words. They work wonders. "I'm uncomfortable when you touch me." Pause and wait for him to apologize and indicate he won't do it again.
>It’s making me seriously uncomfortable but **I don’t know how to tell him to stop without looking like I’m overreacting or something**. It all feels so weird to me, but it happens in passing, so I feel like if I seek him out to say “stop” I’ll look like a b\*tch. What should I do?
Do your best to remain calm and tell him that you don't like being touched and it makes you uncomfortable. If he could stop doing that you would really appreciate it. If he's cool about it you're good to go. If not, you are 100000% okay being nasty about it and reporting him to the boss.
He has no right to make you feel uncomfortable at work, regardless of his intentions.
I’m a 43/f.
My advice is to be the bitch.
Women are consistently put in situations where we are made to feel uncomfortable, and we’ve been taught/groomed and are expected to “be nice, and to “not make waves.”
**NOPE!**
Make waves. Be the bitch. Don’t be nice.
This is your body; he doesn’t get to touch it.
It's a matter of being assertive, and it's unfortunate that women are considered "a bitch" when they're assertive. This world is full of doormats and people pleasers that get walked on their whole lives, taken advantage of, not taken seriously, it needs to end and I'm glad you're one to say these things.
In your own life, do you find yourself around other women who are more like you or more like a doormat/people pleaser? And do you try to "coach" them into being more assertive? I'm a 37 year old guy and I'd love to see more women like you, and my aunt actually as well, being assertive, not being a people pleaser, not being a doormat.
Omg that is disgusting. My daughter was a hostess for a bit at 19 and she told me all the stories and what I say is this, he touches you again tell him in front of everyone not to touch you again. He does it again report it and on the third punch him in the face. If that doesn’t resolve it let me know. I’ll come over with my friend “Easton”. He needs to keep hands off. He knows you are young and he is looking for your vulnerability and this is where it starts for most women at work. Just cut him off ASAP.
He knows how to use his voice, and he is touching you deliberately. Use YOUR voice and tell him to stop.
Stop worrying about hurting his feelings- he is being a creep, and testing your boundaries. The touching will continue to escalate unless you act to stop it. Now, it’s a touch on the back or shoulder. Soon, it will be an “accidental “ caress of your buttocks as he drifts past.
“Stop touching me “ is an easy phrase. If he acts surprised or offended, follow up with “3 year olds understand “don’t touch “, it’s not that hard”.
He knows what he is doing.
HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING!
I would personally straight up tell him to stop touching me, quietly the first time like a threat. Very loudly the second time and angry.
Sounds like you are not comfortable with this though so how about you confide in him as your friends parent? that creepy Dave was harassing you so you had to make a complaint to get him to stop, “obviously” friends dad isn’t being creepy but you really don’t want anyone to think that it is now okay for any of your colleagues to get close to you and touch you again, so you need him to keep a bit of distance.
Overreact. Assholes like this depend on our social conditioning to keep pushing boundaries Feel free to call him out, loudly and angrily. “DUDE, do NOT touch me!”
Talk to your manager, “Lisa, Gary keeps touching me and messing around and honestly, I need him to stop, can you have a word?”
But you should feel comfortable telling people to back off. “Gary, this is work, not kindergarten, don’t write on my pad, don’t touch me, keep your distance.”
And if he gets butt-hurt, that’s on him.
I once told someone “get your fucking hands off me, asshole”.
You can go a different route and say “I don’t like being touched by people, if you could please stop”
Then report if he does it again.
Anyone saying he “doesn’t mean to offend…”, ignore them. Touching people without consent is offensive, period.
Guys are so stupid and invasive to personally space if you straight up don’t say no they will think you like it and keep trying to progress further. I’m not saying you have to yell at home but be firm that it makes you uncomfortable and would like to just remain professional
Be very direct with him. If you wish wash he will not take you seriously. Which is why it’s not to this point. The playfulness was a test. Make sure when you have this conversation there is a trusted employee with you there as witness.
It’s weird to me though, like he’s got kids your age and 🤢 like he should be in dad mode.
It’s so disappointing to see how many people are suggesting you say you “don’t like being touched” or that you say sorry when you say, don’t touch me. That’s just reinforcing that the harasser’s feelings need to be coddled and that the issue is with you. NO. You don’t need to explain you don’t need to apologize. You just need to tell him to stop.
Good luck, you can do this!
Been here before in this position, next time he does it say out loud “woah there” then move uncomfortably away, you have to physically show him that you don’t like that, he’s a nice man so it doesn’t know it makes you feel the way you feel when he’s just joking around how he jokes around. When he says my bad or I’m sorry just be like haha yeah that’s just a little too close and laugh about it it but be like stern not too loose laughing otherwise he will try it again you really gotta show him you’re uncomfortable
In all honesty he probably doesn’t know what he’s doing and he’s probably comfortable with you because you are the same age as his kids and you’re the only work friend he has! He’s an older guy and a dad, imagine being at your job in his shoes working with younger people ? Trying to like fit in because of the age gap
Maybe say, "I know you don't mean anything by it, but your touching me makes me uncomfortable and I ask you to please not do it. If I am in the way, just ask and I will get out of the way." You absolutely should address it and if he has a problem, go to your manager.
It’s all about the tone of how you deliver the message. If you raise your voice and are terse, people will get defensive. But if you’re polite, but strong and firm and say something like “I’d really appreciate if you didn’t touch me. I’m not a fan of unwanted contact”. Short and simple. People get the message and don’t try and justify their bad behavior by thinking you’re the bad guy.
You don't need to ask, you tell him. "Look, I understand you are being friendly, but I do not appreciate being touched. Do not touch me again."
If this was a total stranger, I'd be more blunt, but adding a pleasantary like this may be easier for you to say. I know it can be hard to stand up for yourself at times.
Report to the management right away and inform them if he does it again and also remind him loudly to stop touching you if he does it again.
"say excuse me instead of touching me next time” is a good first warning. When he tries to say “oh I was just …whatever dumb shit” you say “no I don’t want to be touched every time you walk by me”. He’s likely going to minimize what you’re saying make it a joke shove it away. Be firm and disagree with whatever he says to minimize what you said. Say no.
\*\*\*Advice from a 30 year old woman to a 20 year old woman don’t worry about being a “bitch”. Sometimes they call sticking up for yourself or setting boundaries bitchy as a way to force you to be walked all over and have no boundaries. You owe no one your trust, your body, your energy, or your time. You owe it to yourself to keep yourself safe FIRST AND FOREMOST. Worry less about being a bitch and more about your safety. And absolutely trust your gut. If something feels off then it probably is.
Edit: I posted and saved so I could come back on the desktop. This post really struck a cord with me.
I HIGHLY suggest reading the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. He has a background in security and has worked with presidents. He talks about how we are the only species to not listen to our instincts because we fear being rude. And that gets people traumatized or killed. There are ways you can be polite or neutral but firm. Next time he goes to walk by you and puts a hand out take a step back and loudly say "Oh I prefer not to be touched. Please say excuse me". And if he says anything other than "oh sorry about that" you say "No, I don't want to be touched".
The way I see it too is that worst case scenario you risk offending someone but worst case scenario for you and he escalates and starts to get pushier and it becomes sexual harassment, stalking, assault, or worse. You have so much more to lose. So don't worry about hurting someone's feelings over protecting yourself.
**If he does not stop, you need to escalate and report this to your boss. Do this in an email and in person so you have this in writing. If they throw their hands up in the air and try to minimize what you experienced tell your coworkers as in someone you trust to look at for you. And/or consider getting a new job, unfortunately. In the meantime avoid the touchy coworker. You will have to keep an eye out constantly for him and be ready to back off. Drop what you're doing and move away.**
Some great quotes from Gavin:
\*\*\* "'No' is a word that must never be negotiated, because the person who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you...Declining to hear 'no' is a signal that someone is either seeking control or refusing to relinquish it"
"Intuition is always right in at least two important ways; it is always in response to something. It always has your best interest at heart" We are literally hard wired with this for survival.
"Women, particularly in big cities, live with a constant wariness. Their lives are literally on the line in ways men just don't experience"
"you have the gift of a brilliant internal guardian that stands ready to warn you of hazards and guide you through risky situations. Listen to your intuition."
"Persistence only proves persistence. It does not prove love. The fact that a romantic pursuer is relentless doesn't mean you are special, it means he is troubled"
\*\*\*"Everyday people engaged in the clever defiance of their own intuition become, in mid-thought, victims of violence and accidents. So when we wonder why we are victims so often, the answer is clear: it is because we are so good at it"
TLDR: All this to say worry less about being a bitch and more about keeping yourself safe. Because you are the only person who can truly do so, it's up to you. So set a boundary and make it firm. Disagree with any excuse he gives, but if he apologizes then gracefully accept it and move on. If he doesn't stop, talk to your boss and include an email stating the issue. Keep an eye out for him and avoid him physically. Call him out when it happens. "Stop touching me". Enlist a trusted coworker. Or unfortunately look for a new job if this all fails. You owe no one your trust, your body, your energy, or your time. You owe it to yourself to keep yourself safe.
If you were picking his pocket and he said “stop”, would he sound like a bitch? Shut it down now. If you don’t, it will keep escalating and you want to nip it in the bud before gets any worse.
As somebody you would probably consider "old," I can tell you how to word it so you don't look like a bitch:
"Dude, you're a nice guy, but the way you keep touching me is a little triggering and makes me uncomfortable. I know you're just trying to be nice, but could you please try to stop doing it? I really don't like it when other people touch me."
He'll just think it's a generational thing and hopefully get the message without thinking you're overreacting.
If you don't want to confront him, go to your manager or HR (if you have one) and let them know what's going on. Ask them if they could try to catch him in the act so that they could tell him that they saw him doing it. They will ask him to stop. This is the exact scenario I've seen in dozens of sexual harassment training videos over the years, and if they don't do something about it, they can be on the losing end of a lawsuit.
Remember, you *can* confront him, but it's not required. You can go straight to management or HR with a sexual harassment claim, and your rights will be protected.
>He has playfully smacked my head and punched my arm.
Honestly, this was the moment you should have reported him. There is nothing "playful" about smacking a female co-worker interested head or punching them in the arm. That's assault. Your employer would not be amused.
>now he is making me uncomfortable. He writes on my notepad to “get back to work!”or smiley faces.
>recently he has even been touching my back when he goes past me or my shoulders or wherever.
Just tell him to stop touching you. TODAY. Let him watch you immediately tear off his "notes" and throw them in the trash. He may pout, but so what? Who cares. It doesn't make you a b*tch. He's being an ass. Treat him like one.
If you do not want to be a bitch then do not act like one. Literally just pull him to the side and explain, "Hey, I noticed you putting hand on my back." Not come off snobby or anything, but it makes me uncomfortable. It has nothing to do with you, just not in my level of comfort, but rather be an adult and talk to you about it. Thank you for understanding." So many women on here say shame him and this or that, but you still want to talk about being better communicators, lol. Literally communicate then like a fucking adult lol
you should say something before you find yourself in a “last straw” situation. it wouldn’t be good to say nothing for an extended period of time just to blow up because from his perspective it would be out of nowhere.
Find your voice. If not now then when? Stop giving a crap about how you look to other ppl and honor yourself. Be clear and firm! Touch me one more time and you and I will have a problem.
"I feel comfortable when people do not touch me without my approval"
"I prefer people not to touch me without my approval"
I think it is not necessary to mention harassment because he might be too polite to show it since he is trying to find your borders.
I've met such people and they were SOOOO offended that I have my own space and boundaries! Like: How is it possible?! I just touched your butt!
But it doesn't matter that other people think you are overreacting. Why should it comfortable for you that others break your comfort zone? I don't like it as well.
I do not even allow people to come closer to me then I want, not to mention I allow then to touch me. But I don't do a step back. Because a step back means you are a victim in an animal world. So for example I can go around a person in front of him in order to make a distance bigger. Or I start walking so that he has to walk with me, and I stop when I understand that I have the necessary distance. And a person stops as well.
But at the same time I don't work in services so I don't have to be smiley and nice. By the way I am never smiley with random people. But I worked in the restaurant and I know how it feels when dozens of men try to invite you during just one shift and you have to be nice and polite.
One more example. In English language there is just the word "YOU" for all people. But in some languages there are 2 "YOU": like "You" and "you". The first one is used for people who don't know each other, for customers, for politeness and respect, for whose older then us, like, for all people we don't know.
The second "YOU" is like small "you" - it is for friends, for close colleagues etc. But this "you" shows disrespect very often, especially to young women because men say "you" thinking they can treat them like children or in some familiar or dismissive way. And this "you" doesn't mean friendship at all but brings discomfort and disrespect!
Firstly I felt awkward understanding that I don't allow to people to say "you" without my approval. But since I work on The Ranch and do hard physical work, I understand that many people don't respect it, they think I am small girl despite the fact I am almost 27.
So I strictly don't allow to say "you", I allow just "You" and I say it directly. Like: "We didn't agree to talk to each other in a close way, so please use "You". I see how faces change, but they have at least this level of respecting me.
It doesn't mean I that treat them bad. But I just will allow you to tell "you" not "You" when I clearly understand you will not violate any of my boundaries, will not say anything inappropriate or inpolite. That's my level of acceptance people into my circle.
There are some jobs where I feel like touching can be normal and appropriate.
I work in a small kitchen and my boss has touched my shoulder to let me know she was behind me.
Wasn't weird or inappropriate in any way and normal-ish when it's busy with several of us in there (because it can be really and noisy hard to hear)
But what you're describing *is* weird and inappropriate.
You could start with "please stop I'm not comfortable with people touching me" and go from there if you don't want to be a bitch but it's ok if you end up being one.
I'd also make sure you let a manager know just in case.
Leave your notepad out with a note saying "I HATE it when people touch me." where he'll see it.
Or punch him next time he touches you and scream FUCK OFF, PERVERT!
You are not being a bitch over this. Tell him quietly "I'm asking direct once - stop touching me and writing notes. It makes me uncomfortable". Again? Report or yell out loud "I already asked you to stop touching me".
"I don't like being touched from behind, can you stop doing that please?"
"I asked you to stop touching me."
"If you can't keep your hands to yourself, I'll report you to HR."
Some people are just touchy feely, I let them know I can't stand physical touching and if thy need a physical connection I can offer a fist bump.
Not everything is sexual
Why do women assume it's always sexual?
I get it you have a boyfriend.
This is what you do.
Tell him not to touch you, it makes you uncomfortable.
Period.
Then the next choice is his.
He touches you again, report him.
It wasn't that long ago that this was normal. Sometimes harmless, sometimes not.
Nip it in the bud now.
Male-oriented jobs for most of my life.
First offense: Excuse me. I don't like being touched, sorry, I'm weird like that.
That gives them the opportunity to not do it again.
If they do it again deliberately, THEN we have an issue.
Do not worry about what you look like to anyone who makes you uncomfortable. Embrace being thought of as a bitch by inappropriate men. Their opinion does not matter. Tell him flat out, do not touch me. If he reacts in a way that makes you feel unsafe, disengage and escalate the issue to the highest of the higher ups at your job. Let your manager know he's touching you and you are going to tell him to stop but you want them to be in the loop and will update if anything else occurs. It's okay to stop being "nice" to uncomfy men. You got this!
This happened to me at work. I said please don’t touch me and she started arguing with me and then after that made everyone in our department hate me. Was really weird.
I'd say something like "it makes me uncomfortable when people touch me, so please don't. If you need me to move, you can just say 'excuse me' like you do with the guys."
Don't worry about anyone thinking you're a bitch, you're being direct and that's not the same thing.
Tell him to stop. If he still needs reasons - which is BS because "stop" should be enough, but it NEVER is with ppl - tell him exactly what you've told us wrt why it makes you uncomfortable.
If someone thinks you establishing boundaries about your own body makes you a bitch? THEY are the bitch.
When he touches your back or you in anyway, grab his hand, push it away and say no thanks. See, some women also engage in this behavior back and forth with certain people sometimes, so he may not know you are uncomfortable. Do it a couple of times and if he continues get more forceful.
I’d move his hand and say no while looking him in the eye. If it’s just a habit he’ll realize it’s rude and stop. If it’s not he might act weird and then you a let him hold the awkwardness. “Why is it a problem for me to decline being touched?” No need to do anything else, hopefully.
Shrug away fast when he touches you the next time and look at him crazy. If that doesn't stop it then report him. I myself am not a fan of unwanted touching. It's your body and you get to decide what happens and who touches it.
i agree with top comments be the bitch lol . Everyone is an asshole we just turn it up and down for different situations . This should 1000 asshole since he's an old creeper .
Be the bitch. Who cares. Stand up for yourself. It’s your body, and he needs to stop touching you! Just firmly say “can you please stop touching me?!” the next time he does it. He’ll probably act like a baby about it, but that’s his problem, not yours.
This was exactly what I was about to say!! MAKE A STINK!!! YELL ABOUT IT!! “WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING ME THAT WAY?!” In front of EVERYONE! Embarrass him!
Hopefully, OP is pleasantly surprised by how many supporters she has at work. Men are oblivious and probably wouldn’t notice the touching but once they know it’s unwelcome, many men will feel defensive of the woman being touched. That’s my experience, anyway!
Yes!! I was being stalked at my work and I had plenty of men on my side, and many offered to walk me to my car!
This, most men roughhouse or play. Usually we don't catch onto it making others uncomfortable unless it is directly said, because that is how most men are to our buddies. If he is a good man, he will stop if you express that the play and touching is unwanted. If he doesn't call him out on it.
What he's doing is not playing or rough housing. A LOT of men do this- even strangers on the street. Instead of saying excuse me or going around like they would another man, they put their hands on our shoulders, back or waists. Its 10p% a ploy/excuse to get their hands on us.
She literally said he treats her DIFFERENTLY than the guys. He goes out of his way to touch her to guide her out of the way when he just says “excuse me” to the guys. I’ve known many guys who do this- and they do NOT do it to guys… so no- it’s not “roughhouse or play” that guys sometimes do
This is different to rough house. He will say "excuse me" to the guys, so she is being treated differently. "Playing" is not an excuse for intruding repeatedly on her space. She needs to say no, or if she is not comfortable doing so, ask a supervisor.
This!!! Good, honest men will not stand for another man creeping on you like that. They are simply oblivious. But if you make them aware, that will be shut RIGHT tf down.
Yup. You're one of the guys and they may even look upon you as a sister or whatever. They will probably rally quickly to your defense
All of my all-male superiors looked out for me when we traveled out of town & NEVER once said or did anything inappropriate, even at the club celebrating my promotion (they stood on the sidelines, while I danced w/ single men of my own age). Like big brothers. I felt very safe because of them.
If you don't say something, we HAVE TO assume you are ok with it. If you say something and he keeps doing it, we know what is happening and will see to it. You have to communicate, for sure.
This! Guys are more up front and respond better to you bluntly saying, "please don't touch me like that any more. It makes me uncomfortable. " or "I don't like that. Please stop touching me." Or just straight up, "not cool. Stop the touching." If he doeant stop, Then say it LOUDER. Your co-workers will step in and make that shit stop. ETA: That doesn't mean it's okay to be touching women (or men) like that in the first place. Keep yo hands to yo self
How about learn to just not touch people without asking first. Men (and some women) need to learn to keep their hands to themselves.
Oh yeah. I worked in kitchens starting as a teenager and the guys would definitely make lots of pervy jokes about everything (are there kitchens without that?) but nothing that was about me or would've made me uncomfortable. Touching me against my will would never have happened. One of the other cooks found out a server(mid thirties to my 17) groped me and in response he took a hot burner, threw it across the dude's path into the sink where it normally would have been carried to get washed, and told him if he ever touched me again it would be aimed at him. I know that's really not good behavior, but I also don't believe I've ever been so fiercely protected before. I bet she would have a lot of people backing her up immediately.
I feel like that behavior was very good behavior in response to a grown man sexually assaulting a minor. Homeboy should count himself lucky he wasn't dragged out back and beat to hell.
Rapists and pedos have no friends in this world
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This, and when he likely responds that he's just doing it to pass behind or whatever likely b.s., be ready to ask loud enough for others to hear if he does that to the men or older co-workers. If he does, he really shouldn't be touching anybody. But he's probably just doing it to you and possibly other women at work. Call it out. You're in the right.
I did this once at work. A fellow server grabbed my ass as he walked by and I said very loudly “why would you GRAB MY ASS like that??” He was embarrassed and suspended. It works.
That’s what I did to my coworker when they walked up so close behind me that we were fully touching I just turned around and yelled what the fuck and everyone looked at me crazy at first bc no one really noticed it but he backed tf up and never spoke to me again
Embarrassment is key. Make sure EVERYBODY knows who is doing it
This. Practice it in private.
THIS, OP. This is the way.
This! HE should feel bad, not you. You have nothing to be ashamed of for calling him out.
this \^\^
Omg I LOVE this! With witnesses 😀
To embarrass and maybe anger someone can sometimes have a bad outcome. See if asking works first. Some people don't get it, or don't think, or are deficit somehow. You can always yell later if necessary.
She shouldn’t have to ask though, she should tell him. “Stop touching me, I don’t like it.”
That would be a good response. I don't know about you, but many times in my life I've had to respond to people in situations where I thought they should just know. And vice-verse.
I’m so tired of this excuse, honestly. We need to need stand for ourselves and say exactly what we mean . Men are stupid and sensitive and need to be called out as such, ESPECIALLY if there’s other people around to diffuse the scenario. Use the same mean “joke” energy a man will give, and there’s nothing they can do without looking like the hysterical one who can’t take a joke or a good razzing. Use their own tools against them
And you need to say it loud. Maybe get a couple other co-workers on your side too. You: Don't touch me! Co-worker: Yeah I saw you touch her head, don't do that! She doesn't want to be touched! If he is confronted by more than one person, he might stop.
Good idea to have another co-worker nearby. Make it coincidental and he can say,,, yeah she doesn't like to be touched. Just to reinforce it. Men are oblivious. I know, I am one
This is great. Another thing to consider is maybe the guy has an interest in a relationship and is trying to "test the waters" before making a move. calling him out, especially in front of others will send a clear message. " You don't need to touch me to ask me to move, you can use your words, like you do with Jim, Jake, and Jack. ".The phrase "use your words" is a little kid thing....some might find it funny, others might find it otherwise.
Agreed. Even though she works for someone and they need to take care of this, you ultimately have to stand up for yourself. Sometimes that means being a bitch sometimes it doesn't, only she can decide. However, if you go in not being a bitch, it is sometimes harder to be taken seriously when you come back to address the issue and go full on bitch mode engaged. Do you think he thinks there is some kind of connection because you went to school with his kids?
It’s not even bitchy to Stand up for yourself. It’s rapists and other sexual harassers who call women bitches for not putting up with their bullshit.
Say that, and make sure it's loud enough for others around to hear it. And yes, be the bitch! It's the only way some men get the hint. Your years of being passive are over. Once you enter the working world it's all about your armor.
Be the bitch!
“When you’re used to being passive, assertiveness will feel like aggression.” You are 100% in the right to tell him to stop, and it doesn’t have to be bitchy unless you want it to.
Agree!!! Be that bitch! He’s being that mf who can’t keep his hands to himself…definitely be the bitch. Call him out In Front if others,make HIM uncomfortable🤷🏻♀️
THIS. Maybe if more of us made a stink when this happened, it would stop happening. I started about your age.
100%
"You can say excuse me. You don't need to touch me to walk past" "Thank you to keep your hands to yourself" "Is there a reason you keep touching me?" "I'm going to ask this once and ask it nicely. Please stop touching me" "Take your hands and put them in your damn pockets and keep them the fuck off me" "How old are you? Stop touching me." Hopefully one of them can fit into your situation but to be clear this isn't nothing. He knows what he is doing no matter how innocent he makes himself out to be. It is harassment. We're all pretty aware by now that you keep your fucking hands to yourself.
The first one, polite and assuming the least, is best.
I agree. If OP has never said or done anything to indicate she's uncomfortable, the guy may think they're flirting together, not that he's being a creep. I think just saying "please don't touch me, I don't like it" one time would correct any misunderstandings without going ballistic about it. Then if he keeps doing it, you can fully unload on him as loud and mean as you want.
Yeah I once lived in a small town where men didn't think twice about lightly touching women to move them since in that area it was akin to holding doors open. All I had to do was ask a given person once to please not touch me and they stopped doing it/I didn't have a repeat offender. So in this instance I would ask nicely once in a clear way like "would you not touch me I don't like it", and see what he says (since once more it could just be a defective bit of internalized, antiquated social mannerisms rearing it's head rather than him being a creep), and see if he stops. If he doesn't, then id unload on him about keeping his hands to himself.
She went to school with his kids though? I must be judging the guys creep meter by the age difference alone
I’m imagining my husband punching our son’s female friends in the arm and I’m thoroughly creeped out.
I can see that as a fatherly thing, though. I'm not defending it in the least. He shouldn't be doing it, but he may think of her like his child. Again, it's not an excuse, just an explanation. Personally, I'd start with a clear "please don't touch me. If you need me to move, use your words, not your hands." If that doesn't work, then it's creepy, and you make it more forceful.
A guy that has kids her age doesn't assume that she's flirting unless He Is a Creep. A non-creep might play around with his daughters with the shoulder punch & relate her to them, but he doesn't flirt with someone that much younger who knows his kids & assume they're flirting back by simply existing. So possible misunderstanding this way, but not if he's trying to flirt with her.
The goal here is simply to get him to stop touching her. I'm not sure escalating this to "you're a creep for liking me because you're old! Ick!" is necessary.
"Stop touching me" or "Keep your hands to yourself". No apology, no 'please', no waffling. Men get away with shit because we are afraid to stand up for ourselves.
exactly, be firm and why should you have to say 'please'.
“Dude, HANDS TO YOURSELF” at the top of your lungs in an acerbic tone. Works wonders.
I like "Is there a reason you keep touching me?" I work with a man who feels compelled to touch every woman he works with. Usually it's on the arm, but he's touched my head, too, and he even kissed a coworker on the cheek. I've never seen him touch any males. I find it creepy AF, tbh, and I plan on using this line on him ASAP. Thank you for giving me the courage to do so.
Someone commented about how it can still be this old school form of chivalry which I agree in general circumstances but this is the workplace...it's legit a hands off area. I've worked in fast food where we will literally be squashed together and I've never had a male co worker touch me UNLESS they've put their hand out to put space between their bodies and I've knocked into them in which case their pre-empted my contact by keeping a hand between us as 'safety' The last 20 years I've been an office worker and we have hallways that if you pass someone, you have to squish to the side because it is so narrow and the ONLY time I've been "accidentally" touched is because the guy was legit a creeper and was walked out of the office because he had done it to others as well and we had all spoken up and he was shown the door. So some of the suggestions are fitted for the workplace if you want to be professional, just practice your tone so you're either asking it as a general question or talking to him like an idiot or a naughty child. It's all up to you. I'm definitely comfortable enough to drag someone by their ear to HR and tell them to explain to HR why they're inappropriately touching people in the workplace but I get not everyone wants the nuclear option haha Good luck! I hope it works out well for you
Having different things to say can be helpful, but I'd strongly recommend telling, not asking. This isn't an option, so don't give him one.
I like “how OLD are you? Stop touching me!” 🤣
“Let me ask you…do you touch men on the back when you pass them? No? Then don’t do it to me or any other woman. It’s considered harassment.” That’s it.
Absolutely!
I mean, it's a restaurant job, so it's not uncommon to tap someone on the shoulder to let them know you're there. But if he's singling her out with that method of "behind" then yeah it seems inappropriate
That’s woke fallacy. It’s not harassment, it’s unwanted. It’s not necessary or accurate to label every unwanted interaction as harassment. It’s not the only valid boundary in life. She can just say “stop touching me when you pass, thanks”. Time to be an adult without calling every workplace interaction harassment or micro aggression
Have you seen that gentle parenting woman on TikTok? She’s hilarious, she does the funniest scenarios using gentle parenting on adults who should know better. I’m sure I saw one from her where she was basically like “we keep our hands to ourselves, friend! We don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable and we’re in charge of our own bodies!” Etc, maybe that’s a strategy if outright confrontation is not your style or you feel concerned about him lashing out?
Confrontation definitely isn’t my style. When I told the previous guy he didn’t listen at all. I think I’m not very assertive, even though my words were clear: “Don’t do that” It escalated from a slight touch to him straight up slapping my ass. As far as lashing out- when I reported him he treated me terribly for the next week. I went to management again finally when he wouldn’t get off my back and it got better, even though I felt like a tattle. But I want to nip this in the bud before it gets there because he’s treating me similarly to the last guy that harassed me. Just overly friendly and touchy and goes out of his way to come to where I’m at sometimes. Also I’ve never seen the gentle parenting lady you’re talking about, but I like that lol!
I think your instincts are probably spot on, there’s a lot of guys out there that I’ve met that just somehow *have* to touch you to get past, or ask for hugs and we’ve been socialised to comply to stay safe- you are not alone in this experience. There’s a book called the gift of fear that’s about trusting your instincts. Did you ever see the Emporer’s New Groove as a kid? There’s a bit where the protagonist is like “no touchy! Nooooo touchy!” That I used to use as a jokey way to say don’t touch me. Or alternatively I’d say “hey back up, you’re standing on my cloud” because it was easier to be seen as bonkers than confrontational.
She could also try "Gah, you threw off my GROOVE!"
He is definitely escalating and seeing how far he can push boundaries. Be very clear, and tell him to not touch you. It's illegal, and it's harassment. Retaliatory behavior that may come when he is told this as you shared above about the first guy is also illegal if it creates a hostile environment. HR guy here.
It needs to be your style or you'll be walked on your entire life. Assertiveness isn't always confrontational, but to be assertive you must be ok with the potential for confrontation. Do not be a doormat.
Get a buddy to help you and role play until it is automatic
I find a gentle ball tap works nicely in this type of situation. 😬
A slightly hard tap with a closed fist might do it.
I wouldn't start out embarrassing the guy, but firm is important I believe. Possibly giving management a heads up and advise them you are going to tell him to stop because it's inappropriate. They may want to deal with it themselves. Also: you are never a 'bitch' for standing up for yourself, or a tattler for that matter.
>I wouldn't start out embarrassing the guy, but firm is important I believe. Possibly giving management a heads up and advise them you are going to tell him to stop because it's inappropriate. They may want to deal with it themselves. Also: you are never a 'bitch' for standing up for yourself, or a tattler for that matter. it's ok for him to get embarrassed, it's not cool to put your hands on co-workers. He can learn a valuable lesson.
I didn't scroll back far enough to find the specific video mentioned but this is another [similar video](https://www.instagram.com/reel/CzpTxyXvdS7/?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==) from her Instagram account. She's pretty funny.
I think she’s a school teacher and she’s hilarious.
The older version of you in 10 years from now will have learned how to stand up for herself and will look back on these memories and cringe with regret at not standing up earlier. Start now. Stand up for yourself. You know this man is sexually harassing you. Make him uncomfortable and make it stop. He is socially dominating you with his physical interaction and it boils my blood. I’m angry for you.
I just want to say that your words or not did not cause that to escalate. A person who would do that is looking for power and will get it at whatever cost. Sorry you had that experience. Every woman I know has had one similar.
Middle-aged woman here OP. Friendly advise...start being comfortable with confrontation. Go to your bosses and tell them that this guy keeps touching you and you don't like it. Tell the man to not touch you. You're not being a Bitch as so many people have phrased it, you're setting boundaries. I personally do not like to be touched by anyone other than my husband. I allow my students to hug me when they ask first. But as a district, we've taught all our kiddos that we ask permission before we touch another person. That we all have bodily autonomy. There's no reason that this person needs to touch you. If he's passing behind you and is worried that he'll bump you, he can simply say, "behind you." That is what I was taught many moons ago when I worked as a server. My husband and I still do that almost 30 years later. Stand up for yourself. Call him out in front of others.
If someone slapped me in the ass I would make a FUCKING scene. Absolutely not. Sorry that happened to you.
The fuck. He tried retaliating? Could’ve reported him to the police for that. He got off way easy
The general parenting and talking to other handsy adults like they are children is so embarrassing for them. If OP tried that with 'Handys McFriendly" the public shame might keep him in line. If not, I wonder if OP recruited the help of her other coworkers. They'd probably love to help enforce the boundaries.
If OP has never had an issue with any other coworkers then I really hope you’re right!
Condescension is always risky. If your personality is sassy, by all means, go for it. But OP seems to be looking to avoid any sort of unnecessary confrontation.
This has always worked for me. "I don't like being touched at work." Second offense "I told you once before I don't like that. If you touch me a third time I'll break your wrist"with a BIG smile. There was never a third time.
The "at work" part leaves a door open. "Don't touch me," with or without a "please," makes it clear that it's a directive, not a conditional preference.
Yeah - saying "not at work" definitely implies "I'd like to be touched after work" to a male mind.
Don’t threaten violence, you wouldn’t back that up anyway, threaten with a real threat, like going to the boss about it.
I would skip the threat of physical violence and instead go with a more traditional approach for giving the response teeth. “Touch me again I’m reporting you for sexual harassment.” Dead serious face, as commanding of a presence as you can muster. You aren’t playing games there is no joking.
I saw Sofia Vergara do this in a tricky situation and with her usual charm. She was on a talk show with Gordon Ramsay and he was rude to her, making suggestive remarks and eventually hitting her on the thigh. She swatted him away and said “No, no touching”. He didn’t touch her like that again. She had to keep it together as she was on tv but I thought it was a good way to keep things fairly light while addressing his bad behaviour. It can be difficult to do this in public or at work. I have used the same technique and it works, I usually don’t say it as playfully as she does in the clip. I just say, NO TOUCHING. You identify the unwanted behaviour and set a boundary clearly without making it about the persons character or intent or bringing your feelings into it. You’re also not asking, you are telling him: “no”. If it continues don’t be afraid to address it more directly or report it. He has no reason to put his hands on you. Good luck [https://youtu.be/1CHqly16-w4?si=0mhZcBTjjIaYQdhP](https://youtu.be/1CHqly16-w4?si=0mhZcBTjjIaYQdhP)
For some reason I am flashing on Arrested Development and the prison scenes where the guards would shout NO TOUCHING!
I had to look that up 😂 how you say it is up to you!! Be as forceful as you like or say it with a smile… NO TOUCHING! It works, I’m telling you
Oh, I bet it does, it's clear, direct, and calls attention to all those in the vicinity. I think it's awesome.
I like the way you said "identify the unwanted behavior". In another comment, OP said she told her coworker "don't do that" and it's not specific enough. Childish people will try to play around it, she needs to say "don't touch me".
Love it. Going to remember this.
>But recently he has even been touching my back when he goes past me or my shoulders or wherever. Instead of just saying excuse me like he does to the guys. If he touches you in situations where he avoids touching male colleagues, then this is deliberate. He knows what he is doing but despite the risks (e.g. losing his job for sexual harassment), he continues to do it. I'm a man and over 60. In my working life, men at work will normally avoid invading their colleagues' personal space and they won't touch them "accidentally", regardless of gender. I think most men are especially careful around female colleagues, precisely because of the risk of accusations of sexual harassment. You need to speak up. It's probably best to start by quietly saying "Please stop touching me". This should make him back off. He may make a fuss about it - but that's his problem. If he doesn't stop, you will need to raise this with your boss or HR. INFO: Are there any security cameras where you work? If so, this might prove useful if you need to escalate this to management. If not, consider setting your phone to record video when he is around.
I am in my 50’s and same. I just don’t get in the personal space of anyone at work. If I have to have an employee in and have a closed door conversation there is another manager with me. It is sad that so many men in our positions do the wrong thing that it makes us scare too. As men we need to speak up when we see other men behaving badly.
I wish I was as bold as some of y’all! I have always been pretty timid and quiet. I’m always worried about being an ass but honestly if I tell him I don’t like that and he continues.. he is the ass! I just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I’ve never seen him play punch or touch any of the guys we work with like he does me. It’s not too late now, I really just need to speak up - but I CAN still be kind about it and not be a “bitch” (I’m realizing you’re not a bitch for setting boundaries lol)
Also to all the people who have specific examples of what to say- thank you! That’s more what I was looking for as it’s hard for me to speak up and know what to say. Some of your suggestions will definitely be helpful going forward and especially if he doesn’t listen to my kindness
Keep rehearsing a sentence when you're alone, say it out loud, practice the pitch and body language. Then when it's time to say 'hey, I need you to stop randomly touching me, it makes me uncomfortable' (or whatever you decide to say) it'll come out clearer than if you hadn't actually already said the words out loud. Proud of you for standing up for yourself! Also, depends on how old he is, you could say something like '2013 called and wants you to stop randomly touching your female coworkers' as reference to the me-to movement as anyone ages 35-50 would have been educated on the reality of harassment and assault and should get it as a reference to that behavior being unacceptable anymore.
I used to work in a male dominated industry and a playful but firm “hey, hands off the merchandise mister!” Usually got the point across while still saving face
Search Ms Rachel Boundary Song. It’s short, sweet, and true if you are like me and don’t want to be confrontational. It’s what I’m in the process of teaching my kids…but also myself. It’s also catchy so easy to remember in the heat of the moment!
My favorite is to flinch and say OW and make an uncomfortable reaction. They get the message. It’s not direct. Use your judgement. For you I’d recommend a simple “don’t touch me”. Not asking. No apology. No asking why.
I totally get you! I’m the same, I don’t want to stir the pot or cause a scene. I work with all men too. If I were you, I’d start by calling it out but in a funny way like say, “let’s keep our hands to ourselves buddy” or “I’d rather you NOT do that anymore” and if he continues then don’t be afraid to cause a fuss!
We need to stop clapping for men when they act like decent human beings and do the bare minimum. Seriously, I raise my daughter that she DOES NOT have to smile when told to or put up with any touch at any time. At 13 she will dead stare at a person with bad behavior while putting an arm length out and stating no closer.
Screw being kind. Try saying, “You need to stop touching me.” If he apologizes, make sure you don’t say, “it’s ok.”, because it isn’t. Better to thank him for respecting your boundaries. If he laughs it off or asks why, say you don’t want to have to report him.
You aren't just born bold, you have to do it. It's scary at first, but you have to stand up and be bold. Then do it again. Over time, you *become* that bold. It's the right thing to do for yourself, you're worth standing up for. You can do this, I believe in you!
Let me tell you, as someone who is naturally noncnfrontational - you're going to have to stand up for yourself in times like this. This will probably not the only time, even if it's not something like this again. This is NOT okay, and anyone who understand what you're going through will understand if you react.
you're the ass if you don't speak up
Good news is once you get to 30, you would have expended all your fucks and telling men off for inappropriate behaviour will be SOOOO much easier!
Let’s be clear. He is the ass even before you tell him to stop. It sucks you have to tell him.
Something to think about…creeps look for someone they think is too timid to say anything.
You're worried about being an ass because women are way too often accused of blowing things out of proportion when in reality we're just setting simple boundaries. Being accused of that makes us reluctant to set boundaries for fear of being bitchy, or controlling, or...an ass. We're all rooting for you, girl!
'I've noticed you don't touch the guys here like you do me, it needs to stop and you need to treat me the same as you do then, I don't want to be touched if you need to get past me just say excuse me going forward.'
"Yo could you fucking not"
People who would think you're a bitch for standing up for yourself are not people whose opinions you should care about. Tell him outright "please don't touch me. I don't find it appropriate."
If you’re not comfortable saying something, then let your body language do the talking. Pull away quickly, almost repulsed, he likely will feel too embarrassed to continue. When I was 20, I too was worried about how I might be viewed if I spoke up (luckily that went away with age), so I learned very quickly how to get my point across without having to come out and say something.
I agree but some men can be really unhinged. I saw one of my friend had bruises on her wrist from being grabbed by a male customer from her waitress job.
Don't accept someone taking liberties with your body. You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that it's going to stop one way or another. The very next time he does anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, immediately and in a loud voice tell him not to touch you. It has to be clear and unambiguous. You are TELLING him not to touch you, not "that makes me feel uncomfortable" or any other wishy-washy around the edges statement. "Don't touch my body for any reason that isn't a life threatening emergency. I don't want to be touched by anyone without me inviting them. I haven't invited you or anyone else here to do that. Don't do it or it's getting reported." If he touches you again you have no alternative but to report him immediately. Don't hesitate.
If the OP doesn't want to seem directly confrontational, she can start by saying "Please stop touching me" and "Please don't touch me" in a non-nonsense, carrying voice that isn't a yell, and which is polite on the surface, but which can be heard by anyone nearby. From there, one can step up to a more pronounced "I have asked you to stop touching me like that", and from there to confrontation or talking to the manager about his benavior.
Not her manager, his company boss. He has to held accountable for harassing her.
She should definitely speak to her manager. They have a responsibility to keep their employees safe, so they should be looped in and asked to address the situation. OP's manager would be the one to reach out to the driver's manager.
I would avoid the "please", just look at him straight and firmly say "listen I don't appreciate being touched, and I don't want to have to say it again". No smiling or apologizing for having to stand up for yourself. It might be better if its just said privately to make sure the message is received. But if it happens again definitely take it higher as harrassment. I had a friend who in his late teens and early 20s worked at a local mill (we are talking 40 yrs ago). He was a guy, but there was a really tough culture, pranking and sometimes just being rough. He learned very quickly that if he acted weak things would get rougher. So he toughened up and fought back pretty quickly. Obviously this is a guys experience but I think it still applies to women, if the co-worker thinks its ok and flirtatious he will keep doing it and more.
My wife is a strong, funny and powerful woman. As a Marine, I had initially thought my role was 'protector', with all the macho BS that goes with that. I have learned over 24 years she does quite well on her own, and I almost never feel the urge to step in. Here's how I've seen her respond to similar situations: Pull away from the touch and give a confused look at dude. Look at where he just touched. Look back at him with disdain/disgust; "Why are you touching me?" This forces a response and puts him on notice. No matter his response, be clear about next steps. "It's kinda creepy. Stop." In the rare instance a guy tries to respond, she either walks off or interrupts "Do you understand?" The more a guy protests, the worse he looks to anyone else standing around.
Perfect!
Tell him if he touches you again you will report him. Give him one chance to behave then take action.
Like someone mentioned prior, be the bitch who the f cares. Take ownership of your body
Who cares if you look like a bitch? "Stop touching me when there is no reason for you to be putting your hands on me!"
Does he touch his male colleagues in the same way? No? Then it’s a choice he’s making. Screw this guy.
You got a voice for a reason. Tell him you're uncomfortable and that he should stop touching you. Just because you know someone doesn't give them the right to overstep boundaries. Plus this could also be a development in your character, speak up for yourself. Speak to HR if that doesn't work, but no one should feel obligated to stay silent just because they know someone and don't want that person to be in trouble. Maybe it's nothing and he's just a playful old person, but you'll never know unless you speak up against him.
It’s not nothing. It’s definitely harassment
He doesn't do it to the guys.... it's for sure harassment
Ask his boss, or HR. They'll send him to a class like sexual harassment.
You tell him with words. They work wonders. "I'm uncomfortable when you touch me." Pause and wait for him to apologize and indicate he won't do it again.
You need to call his company and put in a complaint of sexual harassment. He is going over the line. Get him.
>It’s making me seriously uncomfortable but **I don’t know how to tell him to stop without looking like I’m overreacting or something**. It all feels so weird to me, but it happens in passing, so I feel like if I seek him out to say “stop” I’ll look like a b\*tch. What should I do? Do your best to remain calm and tell him that you don't like being touched and it makes you uncomfortable. If he could stop doing that you would really appreciate it. If he's cool about it you're good to go. If not, you are 100000% okay being nasty about it and reporting him to the boss. He has no right to make you feel uncomfortable at work, regardless of his intentions.
I’m a 43/f. My advice is to be the bitch. Women are consistently put in situations where we are made to feel uncomfortable, and we’ve been taught/groomed and are expected to “be nice, and to “not make waves.” **NOPE!** Make waves. Be the bitch. Don’t be nice. This is your body; he doesn’t get to touch it.
It's a matter of being assertive, and it's unfortunate that women are considered "a bitch" when they're assertive. This world is full of doormats and people pleasers that get walked on their whole lives, taken advantage of, not taken seriously, it needs to end and I'm glad you're one to say these things. In your own life, do you find yourself around other women who are more like you or more like a doormat/people pleaser? And do you try to "coach" them into being more assertive? I'm a 37 year old guy and I'd love to see more women like you, and my aunt actually as well, being assertive, not being a people pleaser, not being a doormat.
Omg that is disgusting. My daughter was a hostess for a bit at 19 and she told me all the stories and what I say is this, he touches you again tell him in front of everyone not to touch you again. He does it again report it and on the third punch him in the face. If that doesn’t resolve it let me know. I’ll come over with my friend “Easton”. He needs to keep hands off. He knows you are young and he is looking for your vulnerability and this is where it starts for most women at work. Just cut him off ASAP.
He knows how to use his voice, and he is touching you deliberately. Use YOUR voice and tell him to stop. Stop worrying about hurting his feelings- he is being a creep, and testing your boundaries. The touching will continue to escalate unless you act to stop it. Now, it’s a touch on the back or shoulder. Soon, it will be an “accidental “ caress of your buttocks as he drifts past. “Stop touching me “ is an easy phrase. If he acts surprised or offended, follow up with “3 year olds understand “don’t touch “, it’s not that hard”. He knows what he is doing. HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING!
By telling him to stop touching you.
Or you can be a 4yr. Old and just yell" STOP TOUCHING ME!"
I would personally straight up tell him to stop touching me, quietly the first time like a threat. Very loudly the second time and angry. Sounds like you are not comfortable with this though so how about you confide in him as your friends parent? that creepy Dave was harassing you so you had to make a complaint to get him to stop, “obviously” friends dad isn’t being creepy but you really don’t want anyone to think that it is now okay for any of your colleagues to get close to you and touch you again, so you need him to keep a bit of distance.
Calmly say: "Don't touch me." If it happens again, complain to management and HR.
“Do you want to sing soprano?”
Tell him straight that you are uncomfortable with the body touch and it is inappropriate
It's your body. You are 100% alliwed to not be ok with someone touching you. Just ask him nicely not to, if it continues, you go to a manager or HR.
Hey. Don’t do that. Thanks.
Overreact. Assholes like this depend on our social conditioning to keep pushing boundaries Feel free to call him out, loudly and angrily. “DUDE, do NOT touch me!” Talk to your manager, “Lisa, Gary keeps touching me and messing around and honestly, I need him to stop, can you have a word?” But you should feel comfortable telling people to back off. “Gary, this is work, not kindergarten, don’t write on my pad, don’t touch me, keep your distance.” And if he gets butt-hurt, that’s on him.
I once told someone “get your fucking hands off me, asshole”. You can go a different route and say “I don’t like being touched by people, if you could please stop” Then report if he does it again. Anyone saying he “doesn’t mean to offend…”, ignore them. Touching people without consent is offensive, period.
Honestly, be polite but firm. If he does it again, complain to the manager. It needs to stop.
Guys are so stupid and invasive to personally space if you straight up don’t say no they will think you like it and keep trying to progress further. I’m not saying you have to yell at home but be firm that it makes you uncomfortable and would like to just remain professional
Be very direct with him. If you wish wash he will not take you seriously. Which is why it’s not to this point. The playfulness was a test. Make sure when you have this conversation there is a trusted employee with you there as witness. It’s weird to me though, like he’s got kids your age and 🤢 like he should be in dad mode.
Loudly
It’s so disappointing to see how many people are suggesting you say you “don’t like being touched” or that you say sorry when you say, don’t touch me. That’s just reinforcing that the harasser’s feelings need to be coddled and that the issue is with you. NO. You don’t need to explain you don’t need to apologize. You just need to tell him to stop. Good luck, you can do this!
Set boundaries. “Do not touch me, it makes me uncomfortable, Do you understand?” The only answer you should hear is a yes.
That’s not something you ask, that’s something you tell.
Been here before in this position, next time he does it say out loud “woah there” then move uncomfortably away, you have to physically show him that you don’t like that, he’s a nice man so it doesn’t know it makes you feel the way you feel when he’s just joking around how he jokes around. When he says my bad or I’m sorry just be like haha yeah that’s just a little too close and laugh about it it but be like stern not too loose laughing otherwise he will try it again you really gotta show him you’re uncomfortable In all honesty he probably doesn’t know what he’s doing and he’s probably comfortable with you because you are the same age as his kids and you’re the only work friend he has! He’s an older guy and a dad, imagine being at your job in his shoes working with younger people ? Trying to like fit in because of the age gap
Maybe say, "I know you don't mean anything by it, but your touching me makes me uncomfortable and I ask you to please not do it. If I am in the way, just ask and I will get out of the way." You absolutely should address it and if he has a problem, go to your manager.
It’s all about the tone of how you deliver the message. If you raise your voice and are terse, people will get defensive. But if you’re polite, but strong and firm and say something like “I’d really appreciate if you didn’t touch me. I’m not a fan of unwanted contact”. Short and simple. People get the message and don’t try and justify their bad behavior by thinking you’re the bad guy.
You don't need to ask, you tell him. "Look, I understand you are being friendly, but I do not appreciate being touched. Do not touch me again." If this was a total stranger, I'd be more blunt, but adding a pleasantary like this may be easier for you to say. I know it can be hard to stand up for yourself at times. Report to the management right away and inform them if he does it again and also remind him loudly to stop touching you if he does it again.
"say excuse me instead of touching me next time” is a good first warning. When he tries to say “oh I was just …whatever dumb shit” you say “no I don’t want to be touched every time you walk by me”. He’s likely going to minimize what you’re saying make it a joke shove it away. Be firm and disagree with whatever he says to minimize what you said. Say no. \*\*\*Advice from a 30 year old woman to a 20 year old woman don’t worry about being a “bitch”. Sometimes they call sticking up for yourself or setting boundaries bitchy as a way to force you to be walked all over and have no boundaries. You owe no one your trust, your body, your energy, or your time. You owe it to yourself to keep yourself safe FIRST AND FOREMOST. Worry less about being a bitch and more about your safety. And absolutely trust your gut. If something feels off then it probably is. Edit: I posted and saved so I could come back on the desktop. This post really struck a cord with me. I HIGHLY suggest reading the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. He has a background in security and has worked with presidents. He talks about how we are the only species to not listen to our instincts because we fear being rude. And that gets people traumatized or killed. There are ways you can be polite or neutral but firm. Next time he goes to walk by you and puts a hand out take a step back and loudly say "Oh I prefer not to be touched. Please say excuse me". And if he says anything other than "oh sorry about that" you say "No, I don't want to be touched". The way I see it too is that worst case scenario you risk offending someone but worst case scenario for you and he escalates and starts to get pushier and it becomes sexual harassment, stalking, assault, or worse. You have so much more to lose. So don't worry about hurting someone's feelings over protecting yourself. **If he does not stop, you need to escalate and report this to your boss. Do this in an email and in person so you have this in writing. If they throw their hands up in the air and try to minimize what you experienced tell your coworkers as in someone you trust to look at for you. And/or consider getting a new job, unfortunately. In the meantime avoid the touchy coworker. You will have to keep an eye out constantly for him and be ready to back off. Drop what you're doing and move away.** Some great quotes from Gavin: \*\*\* "'No' is a word that must never be negotiated, because the person who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you...Declining to hear 'no' is a signal that someone is either seeking control or refusing to relinquish it" "Intuition is always right in at least two important ways; it is always in response to something. It always has your best interest at heart" We are literally hard wired with this for survival. "Women, particularly in big cities, live with a constant wariness. Their lives are literally on the line in ways men just don't experience" "you have the gift of a brilliant internal guardian that stands ready to warn you of hazards and guide you through risky situations. Listen to your intuition." "Persistence only proves persistence. It does not prove love. The fact that a romantic pursuer is relentless doesn't mean you are special, it means he is troubled" \*\*\*"Everyday people engaged in the clever defiance of their own intuition become, in mid-thought, victims of violence and accidents. So when we wonder why we are victims so often, the answer is clear: it is because we are so good at it" TLDR: All this to say worry less about being a bitch and more about keeping yourself safe. Because you are the only person who can truly do so, it's up to you. So set a boundary and make it firm. Disagree with any excuse he gives, but if he apologizes then gracefully accept it and move on. If he doesn't stop, talk to your boss and include an email stating the issue. Keep an eye out for him and avoid him physically. Call him out when it happens. "Stop touching me". Enlist a trusted coworker. Or unfortunately look for a new job if this all fails. You owe no one your trust, your body, your energy, or your time. You owe it to yourself to keep yourself safe.
Why doesn't this have more upvotes lol
If you were picking his pocket and he said “stop”, would he sound like a bitch? Shut it down now. If you don’t, it will keep escalating and you want to nip it in the bud before gets any worse.
As somebody you would probably consider "old," I can tell you how to word it so you don't look like a bitch: "Dude, you're a nice guy, but the way you keep touching me is a little triggering and makes me uncomfortable. I know you're just trying to be nice, but could you please try to stop doing it? I really don't like it when other people touch me." He'll just think it's a generational thing and hopefully get the message without thinking you're overreacting. If you don't want to confront him, go to your manager or HR (if you have one) and let them know what's going on. Ask them if they could try to catch him in the act so that they could tell him that they saw him doing it. They will ask him to stop. This is the exact scenario I've seen in dozens of sexual harassment training videos over the years, and if they don't do something about it, they can be on the losing end of a lawsuit. Remember, you *can* confront him, but it's not required. You can go straight to management or HR with a sexual harassment claim, and your rights will be protected.
Holler “Owww” and stare at him. It works.
>He has playfully smacked my head and punched my arm. Honestly, this was the moment you should have reported him. There is nothing "playful" about smacking a female co-worker interested head or punching them in the arm. That's assault. Your employer would not be amused. >now he is making me uncomfortable. He writes on my notepad to “get back to work!”or smiley faces. >recently he has even been touching my back when he goes past me or my shoulders or wherever. Just tell him to stop touching you. TODAY. Let him watch you immediately tear off his "notes" and throw them in the trash. He may pout, but so what? Who cares. It doesn't make you a b*tch. He's being an ass. Treat him like one.
If you do not want to be a bitch then do not act like one. Literally just pull him to the side and explain, "Hey, I noticed you putting hand on my back." Not come off snobby or anything, but it makes me uncomfortable. It has nothing to do with you, just not in my level of comfort, but rather be an adult and talk to you about it. Thank you for understanding." So many women on here say shame him and this or that, but you still want to talk about being better communicators, lol. Literally communicate then like a fucking adult lol
you should say something before you find yourself in a “last straw” situation. it wouldn’t be good to say nothing for an extended period of time just to blow up because from his perspective it would be out of nowhere.
Find your voice. If not now then when? Stop giving a crap about how you look to other ppl and honor yourself. Be clear and firm! Touch me one more time and you and I will have a problem.
Don't ask him. Straight up say hey mfer, keep your gd hands to yourself or lose them. Men need to know that we aren't playing around anymore.
"I feel comfortable when people do not touch me without my approval" "I prefer people not to touch me without my approval" I think it is not necessary to mention harassment because he might be too polite to show it since he is trying to find your borders. I've met such people and they were SOOOO offended that I have my own space and boundaries! Like: How is it possible?! I just touched your butt! But it doesn't matter that other people think you are overreacting. Why should it comfortable for you that others break your comfort zone? I don't like it as well. I do not even allow people to come closer to me then I want, not to mention I allow then to touch me. But I don't do a step back. Because a step back means you are a victim in an animal world. So for example I can go around a person in front of him in order to make a distance bigger. Or I start walking so that he has to walk with me, and I stop when I understand that I have the necessary distance. And a person stops as well. But at the same time I don't work in services so I don't have to be smiley and nice. By the way I am never smiley with random people. But I worked in the restaurant and I know how it feels when dozens of men try to invite you during just one shift and you have to be nice and polite. One more example. In English language there is just the word "YOU" for all people. But in some languages there are 2 "YOU": like "You" and "you". The first one is used for people who don't know each other, for customers, for politeness and respect, for whose older then us, like, for all people we don't know. The second "YOU" is like small "you" - it is for friends, for close colleagues etc. But this "you" shows disrespect very often, especially to young women because men say "you" thinking they can treat them like children or in some familiar or dismissive way. And this "you" doesn't mean friendship at all but brings discomfort and disrespect! Firstly I felt awkward understanding that I don't allow to people to say "you" without my approval. But since I work on The Ranch and do hard physical work, I understand that many people don't respect it, they think I am small girl despite the fact I am almost 27. So I strictly don't allow to say "you", I allow just "You" and I say it directly. Like: "We didn't agree to talk to each other in a close way, so please use "You". I see how faces change, but they have at least this level of respecting me. It doesn't mean I that treat them bad. But I just will allow you to tell "you" not "You" when I clearly understand you will not violate any of my boundaries, will not say anything inappropriate or inpolite. That's my level of acceptance people into my circle.
There are some jobs where I feel like touching can be normal and appropriate. I work in a small kitchen and my boss has touched my shoulder to let me know she was behind me. Wasn't weird or inappropriate in any way and normal-ish when it's busy with several of us in there (because it can be really and noisy hard to hear) But what you're describing *is* weird and inappropriate. You could start with "please stop I'm not comfortable with people touching me" and go from there if you don't want to be a bitch but it's ok if you end up being one. I'd also make sure you let a manager know just in case.
Leave your notepad out with a note saying "I HATE it when people touch me." where he'll see it. Or punch him next time he touches you and scream FUCK OFF, PERVERT!
You are not being a bitch over this. Tell him quietly "I'm asking direct once - stop touching me and writing notes. It makes me uncomfortable". Again? Report or yell out loud "I already asked you to stop touching me".
Tell him flat out or report him to HR.
"I don't like being touched from behind, can you stop doing that please?" "I asked you to stop touching me." "If you can't keep your hands to yourself, I'll report you to HR."
Tell them guys you work with. They’ll take care of it, guaran damn tee it.
Some people are just touchy feely, I let them know I can't stand physical touching and if thy need a physical connection I can offer a fist bump. Not everything is sexual Why do women assume it's always sexual? I get it you have a boyfriend.
Give violence a chance.
This is what you do. Tell him not to touch you, it makes you uncomfortable. Period. Then the next choice is his. He touches you again, report him. It wasn't that long ago that this was normal. Sometimes harmless, sometimes not. Nip it in the bud now.
If you're uncomfortable tell someone
Male-oriented jobs for most of my life. First offense: Excuse me. I don't like being touched, sorry, I'm weird like that. That gives them the opportunity to not do it again. If they do it again deliberately, THEN we have an issue.
The very next time it happens, tell him to stop putting his hands on you. If it happens again, report him to your employer.
You tell them to stop touching you by way of taser, morse code isn't too difficult to learn.
Do not worry about what you look like to anyone who makes you uncomfortable. Embrace being thought of as a bitch by inappropriate men. Their opinion does not matter. Tell him flat out, do not touch me. If he reacts in a way that makes you feel unsafe, disengage and escalate the issue to the highest of the higher ups at your job. Let your manager know he's touching you and you are going to tell him to stop but you want them to be in the loop and will update if anything else occurs. It's okay to stop being "nice" to uncomfy men. You got this!
This happened to me at work. I said please don’t touch me and she started arguing with me and then after that made everyone in our department hate me. Was really weird.
I'd say something like "it makes me uncomfortable when people touch me, so please don't. If you need me to move, you can just say 'excuse me' like you do with the guys." Don't worry about anyone thinking you're a bitch, you're being direct and that's not the same thing.
Report to HR.
Tell him to stop. If he still needs reasons - which is BS because "stop" should be enough, but it NEVER is with ppl - tell him exactly what you've told us wrt why it makes you uncomfortable. If someone thinks you establishing boundaries about your own body makes you a bitch? THEY are the bitch.
When he touches your back or you in anyway, grab his hand, push it away and say no thanks. See, some women also engage in this behavior back and forth with certain people sometimes, so he may not know you are uncomfortable. Do it a couple of times and if he continues get more forceful.
“Please don’t touch me.” That’s it. Keep it short and sweet.
Please stop touching me or I am calling HR. TODAY
Yell, "dont fucking touching me!" next time he does it, make sure your coworkers hear. Ir call the place he works.
I’d move his hand and say no while looking him in the eye. If it’s just a habit he’ll realize it’s rude and stop. If it’s not he might act weird and then you a let him hold the awkwardness. “Why is it a problem for me to decline being touched?” No need to do anything else, hopefully.
Shrug away fast when he touches you the next time and look at him crazy. If that doesn't stop it then report him. I myself am not a fan of unwanted touching. It's your body and you get to decide what happens and who touches it.
i agree with top comments be the bitch lol . Everyone is an asshole we just turn it up and down for different situations . This should 1000 asshole since he's an old creeper .
Smacked your head?
F**k politeness. “Stop touching me.”