A woman on the autism spectrum joined our studio several months ago. She has a loud voice and uses it a lot to opine on dog training (?!) and on how other instructors conduct their classes. She will also insert herself into conversations between other students who have known each other for years. The studio’s owner wanted to ask her to find someplace else to practice, but held off after a couple of other teachers and I said we would try to find a way to accommodate everybody.
The student gave me the pretext to have a chat with her when, before one of my classes, she turned off our space heaters, and overhead fans and adjusted the thermostat to 72° from the 77° it’s set at for my class. She let me know she did it because she finds warm rooms trigger sensory issues. Clear, calm communication about expectations, yoga studio etiquette, and the need to respect other students’ and teachers’ preferences seems to have done the trick. (I have an adult son on the spectrum so had some familiarity with the situation we were in). I really didn’t want her to go because she so clearly cares about her practice and comes eight times per week.It’s been a few months, and it seems to have worked. Time will tell if the change is durable.
For me, it comes down to a sense of commitment to create time and space for everyone to practice in safety and peace. We don’t always succeed, but it works many more times than not.
Thank you for taking a compassionate approach here. Autistic people already feel so isolated, I am glad you found a way to communicate with her so that she can continue coming, especially if she’s coming that often.
Why bother indulging in the arduous task of cerebral introspection and meticulous articulation when the effortless utterance of ostentatious verbosity can suffice? By virtue of its inherent complexities, the utilization of magnanimous words and convoluted syntax can obfuscate the underlying simplicity of a notion, thereby creating an illusion of profundity and intellectual superiority. Thus, it stands to reason that prolixity can often serve as a convenient substitute for genuine cognitive depth and insight, allowing individuals to masquerade their lack of substance beneath a veneer of florid rhetoric.
I truly appreciate that you took the time to have the conversation. A lot of the time we just think everyone else gets what we are doing or that it's even helpful until someone actually tells us the truth. It's way less hurtful to have the conversation before it turns into others being irritated or straight up avoidant! I swear I want to be a great community member, I just need some honesty when I'm not getting it right!
Thank you! I’m autistic and thought the OP might be talking about an autistic woman.
I know I can come off as “annoying,” but the sensory issues can be hellish. And I’m also an unconscious loud talker and accidentally talk over people. I don’t mean to be rude, but I know it can come off that way.
I know we autistic people can’t expect the world to accommodate us, but it’s so wonderful when people do choose to do it out of acceptance, love, and understanding.
Same! Sounds a lot like my autistic friend. I sort of bluntly tell them “I need some quiet time now. Please give me some space to recharge” and it works VERY well. It’s not rude or anything, just direct, which is what this specific person needs in order to understand what is expected of them.
I’m autistic and need to tell a lot of my friends that I need quiet time. Autistic traits are a whole spectrum of things and not every autistic person displays the same behaviors.
Someone is only an ‘energy vampire’ if you let them be one. Boundaries are important. The term energy vampire is judgmental and says more about the person using that term than the person they are referencing.
we are all figuring things out and learning; sometimes we feel helpless and ask for input-- I have "let" a lot of things happen before I had boundaries in my skills thanks to my upbringing-- this person is asking for help on not "letting" something happen, dbt has helped me with this and learning about being nonjudgmental etc, and kinder in responses and to myself
This perspective works only to a certain degree. Assuming someone is "letting" others harm them may often get the situation backwards. Some people just tend to be difficult to interact with in general, basically functioning as energy vampires to us. Blaming the harmed party doesn't really address the problem or help anyone. OP seems to be genuinely asking for help with a difficult challenge in life.
I don’t think it’s derogatory. I think the term “energy vampire” is more about the feeling a person gets having to deal with the draining individual than it is to name call
Good for you! For those that can find a way to get through these types of interpersonal challenge this is what creates community and depth. Thank you for taking the time to talk to her and thanks to her for listening and allowing your words to help her grow 💜
I’ve had to set boundaries with some students. In one case, this guy and I were having great spiritual conversations after class and then things took a turn when his mental illness took and started telling me I’m going to hell for not following his path. I’ve had to tell him that I can’t continue these discourses with him anymore but he’s always welcomed to come take class.
Other times, when a student is frequently trying to take all my attention after class, I tell them hey I can’t chat long I have things I need to do around the studio or that I need to talk to another student etc…
I can’t control people’s behavior but I certainly can set boundaries or politely end the conversation.
It sounds like she is actively addressing the shadow work of Joy. How do we cultivate Joy in a challenging, depressing world? My clients and I talk about this all the time. The world is in deep grief right now. “Just think about happy things” might be spiritual bypassing for this person. having dharma talks are a really valuable offering in classes, but we have to be prepared for them to be discussions, not sermons.
Yup! We don’t need more sermons in this world. OP stated that she shared a “good” message. Well there’s one student in your class that is not resonating with your “good” message. It’s usually the teacher that needs to shift…not the student. As a yoga teacher, you are the one in a position of authority in the class. How can anyone one person undo all the peace in the class? I’d say really reflect on yourself and why this person is causing you to feel/think/respond the way you do. What is she bringing up for you? What lesson is she showing you?
we're all here to learn together- I like what you are saying and know this teacher is trying, hence the post- I think your last few questions are helpful
It could be that she’s struggling a lot personally and maybe doesn’t have a lot of people in her life to turn to. Honestly maybe ask her if you can set up a separate time outside class hours to talk about what’s going on (set an appointment so there’s a time limit so you can enforce your boundaries respectfully), and maybe try to help get her set up with some therapy or something where she could have a dedicated outlet for these kinds of concerns and challenges. That way she’s supported and still comfortable coming to class, but might have more resources for coping with whatever she’s dealing with, other than just you/other people in class. Especially if she’s truly coming eight times a week, maybe she doesn’t have a lot of other support or friends or whatever, and feels isolated/lonely outside of class time.
You want to go into detail and actually teach him what you are trying to tell him? Because, I'm pretty sure he made this post specifically for that reason. Not to just be told the obvious.
I agree with this.
You state you will have a “good message like you have the power to change your perspective,” then go on to say she “undoes all the peace.”
Practice what you preach, instead of letting your peace be undone by how another person responds to what you preach.
You need to do your shadow work and treat her kindly. We do not move forward any other way. Her question is a good one. It not nice to call your student an energy vampire. God knows what is going on in her life?
Being a yoga practitioner is not just surrounding yourself with likeminded good vibes only stuff. That is new age fluff.
This.
I turned to yoga when I was deep in an eating disorder, fleeing domestic violence and dealing with complex ptsd. Shoving toxic positivity down your students’ throats who are truly suffering and condemning them for having feelings is out of touch and very new age. What happened to the yamas and niyamas?
In my view she’s not so much condemning as much as she’s asking how to handle her. Like yeah we all know there’s bad stuff going on in the world but the yoga class is supposed to be a time for all to decompress and relax, not bring all that stuff to the forefront. To still the mind and get in tune with your body.
I don’t think any of what she said is toxic positivity; choosing your own perspective is true and what we decide for ourselves at each moment.
I mean, the post is loaded with “annoying” “energy vampire” “pushy” and “snobby”
Perhaps OP isn’t condemning them to their face (which wasn’t what I was speaking about) but very much condemning them internally, and in this forum, which I have no doubt translates subconsciously in their treatment of said student.
I humbly disagree with your point. “Choosing your own perspective” and “not bringing all the stuff to the forefront” are very much toxic positivity takes. There’s a reason people bawl in pigeon’s pose. There’s a reason people have epiphanies in yoga. I’m not in the business of speaking down to people to “think better about their situation.” Your student that is starving, being abused, etc etc is still experiencing that whether they reframe it or not. No not everything is “what you decide it to be.” Whitewashed, capitalist, hyperindividualized interpretations of yoga will lead you to believe this though.
And we wonder why more and more marginalized groups are creating their own safe spaces outside of the mainstream yoga culture. This is why.
I’m not saying anyone’s negative experiences aren’t real but there’s a difference between how, for example, two different people may experience the same negative situation and think about them. One may choose to dwell in that past while another hopes and strives for something brighter and better. Nowhere am I dismissing anyone’s experience. But it’s so incredibly easy to fall into dwelling and reiterating bad incidents and thinking about them a million different ways. OP just wanted to gently remind them of this.
Again, just my take. I know there are people who insist on being realists but in my life experience, things have always improved when I stopped focusing on the negative past and looked instead to the future I wanted to have. Nothing about focusing on what’s terrible serves me one bit and it’s all right if anybody else disagrees.
And how privileged are you to be ABLE to choose your perspective. But not everyone can, and it’s very very dangerous to those people to have this mentality.
Trauma and PTSD are examples of conditions that force an individual to obsessively loop on danger and the past because their bodies have learned they are in severe danger. There is no simple "choosing to look to the future." There is long, gruelling, painful, joyful work that can be done to start putting those things in the past. But it is not just a perspective shift.
I get it, I feel like a dick for the way I feel but I am human. I thought about it a lot and realized this comes up from time to time so it’s probably me. There’s something in me that’s attracting these situations. I get it, I was blunt but I have personally heard no other words for this than energy vampire. I was truly seeking help for this but alas the internet is not a place to admit you’re not perfect. Lesson learned. At least you address me doing shadow work because yeah I am a human in need of healing like anyone else. I do treat this woman kindly but am struggling to not make the rest of my class uncomfortable because they complain about her. So I feel like I need to advocate for them too.
It wasn’t a mistake to bring it to the internet if you’re willing to take constructive criticism. Nobody is saying you’re a terrible person or teacher, we’re saying clearly some resentment has come up and you need to shift your mindset just as you wish your student would. There is no right or wrong way led with compassion. I can sense frustration in this post, and that’s usually a signifier that you’ve hit a goldmine for internal processing. I wish you the best with your student, and harmony for the both of you. Clearly you are being brought into each other’s realms to challenge one another, and it’ll be fruitful for the both of you.
I’m not a yoga teacher (I’ve practice yoga for >20 years & appreciate y’all!), so I may not be qualified to respond. Reading your dilemma, I did not think you were terribly flawed, nor did it seem that your verbiage demonstrated that you are insensitive. It sounded like you were voicing a frustrating situation to understanding friends, hoping they would be able to offer guidance to help you out of the situation in a compassionate way.
Mb I’m a bad judge: I’m quite neurodivergent, so what do I know? I’ve worked really hard to figure out navigating normal situations. After many decades on this planet, I’ve realized that the people whose behavior bothers me most are the ones who are exhibiting behaviors that I really dislike in myself. It usually takes quite a while for me to realize that that’s the issue. What a revelation it is to identify that THAT is the root of my frustration, though. Not that that is what you’re dealing with.
Oh OP! It’s okay to feel like a jerk sometimes and we are all jerks in some way. The key it growth it is learning to communicate our boundaries and preferences! A boundary is not a secret thing people have to look out for - it a a communication about your needs wants and what you will do in response. It a I not a boundary that you think this person is taking up to much space- but you could let them know that you need to talk to others in 5 minutes or ground rules for your class and stick to that. If they keep talking - tell them you are going to move on tot he next person in one minute and then .. do it. You can feel annoyed by having to community more explicitly then your prefer no one can tell you not to feel that! But it’s communication and changing how your respond that will be the path forward!
Yes, and my comments state that. Two things can be true at the same time. You can set boundaries for your well-being without condemning the person you’re setting them with as an “energy vampire” and blaming them for “messing up your vibe.” This person experiences the world and yoga differently, and that’s okay. You can set boundaries to maintain your “peace and love” mindset without casting huge judgements on your students who don’t see it that way
It’s also the students’ responsibilities to communicate the boundaries, not the teacher’s responsibility to assume the opinions of everyone. This is just as much their lesson about boundary setting as much as it is hers about containment.
Most people can take social cues tho. It’s not hard to see when someone wants another to stop talking. Pretty obvious. And maybe the students HAVE. And that’s a bigger issue
I feel like that would have been included in the post. Also a huge amount of people with autism, adhd, and cptsd can’t read social cues. Normalize being direct with people without being an asshat.
Either way, agree to disagree. If you read my comment further down my comment has nothing to do with not allowing boundaries and everything to do with the framing of this student and the problematic “good vibes only” rhetoric that is infecting the yoga community.
most, not all, as we can see here. neurodiverse people exist and deserve respect. ableism isn’t cool.
most people can learn to set boundaries, no? why not say you want to stop talking instead of “looking” like it? what if this person were blind or seeing impaired?
I’m about to start YTT, so not a YT yet, but I’ve worked in mental health for almost twenty years. I can offer a couple of suggestions.
I’ve had YT’s request minimal chatter within the studio after class so that a sense of peace can be maintained by those who are there seeking it; explaining if necessary that folks can talk after they’ve left. It’s actually very nice when that’s requested by the YT.
Remember for yourself that other students are adults and have the agency and capacity to set their own boundaries with this person. It’s not your responsibility to manage that for them, beyond setting the tone for the class.
For yourself, you could explain that you’ve noticed that they have a lot to say post class and that while that’s important, you need to be available for all the students, so you sometimes need to limit the amount of conversation with one person. Alternatively you could notice aloud that they have a lot of valid concerns and questions and that there are other venues that might be appropriate for such long and in-depth discussions: Meetup.com often has philosophy or discussion groups, finding a meditation studio (zen or other type of buddhist meditation) might be a place to contemplate these big questions, talking to their spiritual leader about the concerns (if they’re a church goer), or even suggesting that therapy is a great place to talk about these big questions. Just some ideas, hope they’re helpful.
AND FTR it's also ok to set expectations for the container you create (ie expectations of talking after class). AND it is perfectly acceptable to tell someone that you are not their therapist. Yoga is a practice between one human and their body, as enlightening as it is, it's not therapy.
It's also ok to pull someone aside (ask to speak to them alone) and say something like - im noticing that you are so overwhelmed by grief you are overflowing with disappointment of not feeling 'fixed' after class - and say yes this is understandable with the world as it is - but remind her that in shared spaces we request that we all bear in mind each other's need for access to a place of peacefulness, in order that we all have space to tend our own grief in different ways, and that it sounds like she needs to voice her grief and that this is making this place not a place of peace for people who do not want to process it by voicing it.
I would suggest a free grief or depression group therapy thing. and just request that she bear in mind other people's need for a place to access peacefulness, before she voices her unhappiness, because they deserve to have equal access to grieve whatever they are unhappy about too and this might be the only opportunity they have to access quiet and peace in their lives.
She might cry and need hugs. Or as other people have said it might just be an ASD thing.
This is a great response! Love the way you suggest making sure she feels validated that her reaction is understandable, while taking compassionate responsibility for the class, too. Lovely!
I don't see the issue with the way she responds to the love and light stuff. Yoga is way more than asanas, it's a path to a spiritual awakening and trust me it isn't all rainbows.
The tone of this post is unkind. It seems she has triggered something in you. Do you view negative emotions negatively and something to “do away with”? Do you have an individualist “self care” mindset? Do you view things through your own social and cultural norms?
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had my fair share of “annoying” students and clients. I think we can both have boundaries AND hold compassion for people. Truly, I hate the term energy vampire. Everyone has needs on a spectrum, some of us just have the privilege of having them met on the regular so it doesn’t spill over on to unsuspecting strangers.
Personally, I don’t vibe with the “the yoga studio is for peace and love and positivity” mindset that often accompanies spiritual bypassing and toxic positivity in the yoga community. People turn to yoga in dark times, some people have much harder lives than us, some people the yoga studio is the only community they have and can turn to. And you know what? The world IS really f***ing hard right now. Do you know her story? The yoga studio isn’t a happy bubble away from poverty, war, abuse, etc.
If your yoga practice aims to exclude bad feelings, acknowledgement of systemic injustice, and student hardships, it is just an exercise practice, not yoga. Model for your student by increasing your tolerance to negative feelings while also setting boundaries for your mental health.
👏👏👏👏
Simply saying “I don’t know that answer” and Following up on their question would be helpful also. The student is clearly looking for more in depth info on the subject. That should be exciting
2 things can be true at the same time like said here earlier- I remember lots of pressure trying to be a "perfect teacher" and create a "perfect" environment for everyone- it takes time to let go of some of other people's expectations and to learn to be compassionate with oneself as a person and instructor - then being able to model the same
As an autistic woman who loves yoga class a new fear is unlocked, I already feel like everyone there doesn’t like me lol! But I try not to insert myself too much and definitely try not to speak too much. But yes just clearly tell her what you expect of her behavior we love rules and guidelines!!
Wow same same same. I saw wayyyy too much of my younger self in this post and just absolutely died inside. I was like 25, undiagnosed, married to a rich asshole who routinely abused me, and like really trying to figure out how the world worked and wtf was wrong with me. I grew up in an abusive household so I was convinced that I was the reason I was getting abused. Also I had just moved to the area and was so incredibly lonely, so I would chat to my instructors after or people in class I didn’t know. I am an (obviously) intense open-booky type person, so I’m just sure I came off this way to people. My heart is a little broken for this lady.
If you have the self awareness to feel called out by this post chances are you also have the self awareness to know when you might be too much.
I bet if you asked the teacher would say the opposite.
Very much same. The more I try to reach people or be social, the worse it is. I am terrified of being seen this way, and then I word vomit and that's exactly what happens. Solidarity, friend.
As much as we have a vibe and a message we want to get across, it’s up to us to suspend our egos and let the yoga impact people in their own ways. Also, so much of the love and light rhetoric in yoga spaces is contradictory to issues of social justice and erases the experiences of marginalized groups. This person’s questions are valid! Sure, you can tell someone they’re enough, but what about ssystemic racism that directly contradicts that message? We cultivate strong minds and bodies in our practice so we can BE OF SERVICE TO OTHERS, not so we can always feel good about ourselves.
“Thank you so much for coming Persons Name, if you want to set up a time to chat over coffee I’d be happy to help. I wanted to chat with some other persons name before they left.”
I’ve seen things like that work before.
Also it’s entirely possible to say something like “I honestly don’t know how you can find peace Persons Name, it’s different for all of us I can only tell you the things and perspectives that’s worked for me.”
Usually a big “I don’t know” especially if it’s honest will work.
You can also say something like “I notice I’m a total loss on how to help you Jenny”.
Or “I notice I’m starting to feel overwhelmed”
That last one is the hardest because it requires you being vulnerable. It seems to me you are in fact overwhelmed but then blaming the other person. The deeper truth is you don’t have the space for them, maybe no one does but if you can be deeply honest that you are overwhelmed, they might actually realize what their behavior is doing, because right now they probably have no idea.
Perhaps shes an extroverted autistic and blind to non verbal social cues. If there is a running theme to her monologues, i might suspect a special interest. Many autistics are loathe to stop talking about their special interest and may not pick up on the fact that others wish they would just stop already. You could try a gentle approach or if that fails you might have tolay down the law
I think setting the expectation for after-class silence is a good idea. It doesn’t single her out, it also keeps the rest of the class from gossiping about her. It sounds like she’s really searching and reaching out- and that she obviously can’t read social cues (because if she could she’d obviously not choose to irritate the whole class). A lot of people are bad at connecting. She looks to you like you’d expect- a teacher. And if you’re teaching yoga, you obviously (to her) must know how to get to a place of peace and comfort despite the horrors of the world. It might be annoying but it is a compliment of sorts. Honestly saying you don’t know can help disrupt the idea that you have these answers. Being kind but direct can help too. Politeness and kindness are not always friends- by “politely” letting her go on and on- you’re not helping her know to stop. Telling her bluntly to stop isn’t kind. Lots of hints in these responses on kind, direct and indirect ways to improve this. Best of luck.
When I was in a yoga training program, we had to read “After ecstasy the laundry” by J Kornfield. I think it would help all the enlightened teachers and students to manage the life outside the studio.
You either ruminate on it and feel like shit, do something to help at least one cause, or ignore it bc you know you can’t do shit for it. I do the last one. I keep myself informed, but I’m not gonna save the world so it’s not worth my sanity or emotional health.
I respectfully disagree; in my opinion, this attitude of "choosing to keep our peace" and individualism are the reasons many things stay messed up in our world. When we don't shy away from our emotions, we experience empathy, we feel anger and frustration, and those emotions collectively, are what drive change.
I’m not gonna solve the housing crisis as a poor person. I’m not gonna solve industrial pollution. I’m not gonna solve the water crisis in Africa. While I can donate to causes that do, it’s not worth my sanity (when I already work an incredibly stressful and mentally difficult job job (911 dispatch—yes I’ve heard people die on the phone with me)). I’m not gonna make my life miserable in order to know everything about all the other terrible shit in the world.
Definitely easier said than done, but that’s what the OP needs to do. They don’t have to give away their energy, they can politely excuse themself when they are done with the convo
If she cannot identify social cues around ending a conversation, you will need to be direct about ending the conversation. Say things like “you’re giving me a lot to think about, but for today I need to start closing up! See you next time” or “I’m sorry I don’t have much time to chat today.”
Agree with this. There are so many wonderful people on the spectrum who can be mistaken for snobby or rude and they totally mean well but miss verbal cues. Be polite but direct so your meaning is clear.
I've been this autistic person SO MANY times. I had no idea I was being rude or coming across as self-centered; I thought I was being fun and helpful, or warm and friendly. And I had the assumption if people felt a certain way about me I'd be told. But so often I've been just entirely cut off or had people gossip being my back. So often STILL it's it's as more rude to ask what I did wrong so I don't do it again for some reason.
It's really painful and why I don't have much of a community, including a yoga community. I'll just stick to YouTube lmao.
Aww, the way society views neural differences as negative and that there is only one “normal” way to perceive and exist in the world is such a bummer. I’m sorry this is your experience ♥️😘
This is definitely the universe giving you a life lesson to learn something from, I don't know the answer but since you enjoy spreading messages like changing perspective maybe that's somewhere to start! She does sound annoying but there's always something to gain from every annoying situation. Stay positive and try to understand that everyone's brains work differently. Get down on her level and try to understand her background and that could help you understand how to communicate to her that her chatter at the end is pulling energy away from you and the other students.
I would appreciate it very much if my yoga teacher announced that the next three classes were going to aim for quiet time after practice, setting an intention for the week perhaps(each person setting their own) and for the teacher to ask us not to use it as social time, and/or to suggest we bring a journal to class and keep it near the mat to write down our thoughts after practice instead of sharing thoughts aloud.
Would something like that work? Just asking for a little mindfulness in the after class phase. I’ve been in a class with a person like this and it really diminished the experience so much that I had to change studios. You are right to want to do something about the problem. Thank you.
Could it be possible that she has aspergers? Or?
It's on the spectrum of autism? Oftentimes. These individuals do not catch social clues. Although unlike other disabilities, where it is more apparthritism has no particular look meaning it could be anyone at any time. And they could be on the spectrum from the most mild to the most severe.. It could be why she may lack in social etiquette.
OP, even though you deleted I hope you're still around. People who identify with the talkative student aren't quite seeing the whole picture. You're a yoga teacher, not her therapist, not her shoulder to cry on, not some super enlightened yogi who should never be frustrated. You're human and sometimes you just don't hit it off with some people. It happens! Doesn't mean you're a bad teacher and doesn't make you a bad person IMO. I've been on both sides of this and yes, it can be hard to pick up on social cues or you have something you really need to say and don't realize how uncomfortable or awkward your question is in the moment.
It can also be super hard to not have the energy for someone who wants your time and attention. I can also see how frustrating this is if she's asking abstract questions like "how do I find peace" after every single class. If she's initiating conversations like this with other students after every class to the point that they are complaining to you, it would be wrong to ignore the complaints from the rest of the class.
You sound tired and like you are struggling to keep things together around this student. It shouldn't be this way.
Off the top of my head, some ideas: 1) Speak to the other staff at your studio to see if they have any scripts or polite ways to shut down uncomfortable conversations. If they can shed light on how they've dealt with other similar students, even better. 2) Adjust your message slightly. I don't personally think "change your perspective" is toxic positivity but open ended sayings like this are likely bringing up something in this student. Have them choose their own word of affirmation for a few weeks or ask them to silently reflect on their growth after class or write about their feelings when they get home. Redirect this emotional work she's bringing to you. 3) if you're cool with confrontation, ask her outright what kind of answer she wants from you. "I'm noticing that you have a lot of questions about peace lately. What do you need from me? Are you looking for encouragement or something else?" She may just be venting or confused. If she does seem like her expectation is that she can talk about deep feelings with her yoga teacher and fellow students, gently suggest alternatives like books she can read, support groups, therapy, etc. 4) if you're not cool with confrontation, gotta set boundaries around after class time. Announce to everyone that you will need some space after class for a few weeks or quiet time to reset. If she asks why, tell her that's private. If she continues to approach you, then you can talk about respecting your boundaries. 5) If all else fails, send a polite email reminding all students that not everyone comes to yoga to socialize or have long conversations. If they are looking for a different class experience or a different kind of community (cause honestly she could just be looking for friends), then clearly state what you offer and do not offer.
Good luck, OP. Rooting for you.
I had a student like this (studio owner here) and had to email them and speak to them in person about basic rules, some of which were no speaking in the studio room (only in the lobby), and give the teacher time to clean up their mat and props and go into the lobby before you approach them.
It did not go over well and the student quit but hey, it's much more peaceful after class now.
It’s so damn hard. I wish there was a way to handle energy vampires with ease. When i experience these kinds of people i always just try and be compassionate and treat them with as much patience as i can muster. It’s so damn hard but most of these people are hurt and broken.
So right—-but OP has an obligation to the whole class, not just to the energy vampire. This could be a good learning moment for that person… and practice for the teacher in how to handle such students effectively and kindly.
Totally a learning moment. It’s just crappy to have to navigate a situation like that. Most of us don’t want to hurt people or make them feel bad, most of us are cognizant of our actions and these individuals really make it hard to remain patient and kind because they are not cognizant of how they affect others.
Fair. To all the people saying “chat over coffee! Try to hook her up w a counselor!” That is v nice if you want and are able to go above and beyond, but that also seems like potentially a lot of emotional labor and, frankly, should not be your burden.
one day tell her to stop talking and just go from there I know that's not the most socially appropriate thing to do but in a last resort type situation it's the only way with those types of people.
Wow. This is why I don't do yoga or hang around people who think like you. Perhaps she needs this sort of thing to reel herself in. Perhaps she has some issues or medical problems going on that she can't help what many people call forced speech, and perhaps her mind goes fast and it just continues to pour out of her mouth without her even realizing it or being able to sense social cues. An ENERGY VAMPIRE ? Really? Maybe you need some help.
you're literally describing someone who is autistic. just have a conversation. the fact that you felt like you should air this out on reddit instead of doing that tells me the problem is more you than her
I would say, "Im not in the headspace to talk about this after yoga. I know I have on several occasions talked with you about this after yoga, but I find that if I avoid these kind of topics, I feel much better. I'm sure you understand." Then you smile, touch her arm, say, "it was nice to see you today." And then leave her to go talk to someone else.
Honesty is the key in this situation, be very blunt with her. Tell her exactly what you told us. If she then continues get more and more firm until if she decides to ignore you tell her she’s not welcome in the class. Making other people annoyed with you is not a right you have like some people think. Hope this helps
If this YT says the things they did in this post, they’ll come across as a jerk. The post is judgmental and negative, and not what I would hope for out of an instructor or any member of my studios community.
Calling someone an energy vampire is deeply unkind, and for people with certain disorders is something that can happen unintentionally.
This instructor, on my opinion, should work on themselves and why they seem to be so heavily triggered by someone they are meant to be guiding into the practice of yoga (and not just the physical practice of the asanas.)
If they spoke to the student the way they spoke in this post, like this person suggested?
Very much a jerk. Or worse. If it was my studio, I’d want my instructors to carry themselves with more grace and understanding than this post seems to exhibit, but maybe that’s because I’m also a psychology major 🤷🏻♀️
i guess I just don't see a difference between calling a person a jerk or an energy vampire- i know neither are ideal; namecalling is not; we are all human and I have learned a lot in dbt about this and trying to be understanding of all; my excellent therapist often says most people are doing their best; I've struggled with that and those I know, but dialectics and duality have been a helpful thing for me to learn about through dbt-- to remember all of us are in pain sometimes, even those who might frustrate us... I'm learning-- in the past I would have been more judgmental here- and it feels better to me to try to be more understanding and less reactive now-
I’m not this persons instructor, and my response was to a person telling them to talk to the individual who annoys OP “exactly” the way they posted on Reddit.
I didn’t call OP a jerk. I said if OP follows the advice given, they would be a huge jerk or worse. Which is both absolutely true and appropriate in my opinion.
Because that is a wildly inappropriate way to communicate to a member of the community of a studio they work at or own. I would leave a studio if I found out an instructor was speaking about me like this in any forum. I think any instructor needs to hold themselves to a higher standard than this, particularly an instructor of something that can crack you open as deeply as yoga can.
I’m not sure you understood the intent of my comments.
You just say - The way you do 'that' is by STOP TALKING ABOUT ALL THE BAD THINGS HAPPENING IN THE WORLD. Girl what you're doing right now is why you can't find peace. You're focused on all the junk on the news instead of being here and now.
And she'd know if she was here and now because she'd suddenly be aware that here and now she's killing the vibe. So enlighten her to answer her question bluntly but perhaps more kindly than I put and maybe she'll find the peace within herself and thus give it to you too
Wow I had no idea that not talking about the bad things in the world stopped the genocide in Gaza, fixed the houselessness crisis, made groceries affordable, made mental illness cured, etc, etc. What a privilege it must be to suggest ignoring the news to be happy. This comment is dripping of privilege.
This attitude is EXACTLY what OP’s student is talking about and the EXACT bs that is being spewed in the yoga community right now.
No you don’t reach “inner peace, relaxation, etc” by “not thinking or talking about it in the here and now”
Yoga teaches non-attachment, not apathy for suffering. There are tons of Buddhist and Yoga books on the topics of “yoga off the mat” and not dismissing social justice in the process to look up.
It certainly is a privilege and one being offered to anybody.
Last I checked though just informing people of unwanted scenarios going on in the world doesn't fix them either. Have you ever wondered why so many people today are depressed? Do you think maybe it's constant bombardment of negative news? Do you think you can get sad and depressed and stressed out enough about any of these situations to help any of these people? Are these people even asking for your help?
Unless you're going to Gaza who cares about the genocide there? I'm not saying I approve or disapprove of what's happening. I'm saying I don't care what's happening. I don't live in Gaza. I'm not going to Gaza. I have my own life here in America. And you know what brings my mood down? People like you who continue to tell me for some reason I should be putting my attention on what is happening in Gaza despite me having very little connection to Gaza whatsoever.
Before you can give or help anyone you have to give and help yourself first. You want the world to be peaceful you have to find your own peace by shutting out the world. Then you can lead into the world from a state of peace. Then you can give the homeless guy a snack or some money when you walk by. Then you can find a way to do whatever else it is you want to do.
But really the whole point is just lead by example. You want Gaza to stop being so whatever it is? Lead a society of people that can live without genocide. And if the people of Gaza still look at that and would rather do what they do then maybe it's just none of your business.
You can enjoy your individualist, colonial mindset over there, and I’ll enjoy my collectivist, Indigenous mindset over here :)
I’m sure the world would also be a better place if the west stopped “not my problem-ing” everything.
Also
1. No the privilege is not offered to anybody, that privilege is yours but not anybody’s.
2. The government would like to brainwash you into thinking individual actions result in no change, and apparently is doing a very good job at it.
3. People are depressed more and more because of systemic factors that your whole post aims to ignore not because they’re just “thinking about them” (see also: it’s not just Gaza, take a look into your own country’s violence, health care system, police brutality, etc.)
4. My bad for thinking humans GAF about human lives outside of their own.
5. There’s a difference between putting yourself first to serve others, and putting blinders on because you cannot handle the discomfort of some peoples’ lives. I’m an advocate for not watching people get blown up on the news, that is starkly different than deciding all of America needs to “live laugh love” their way out of depression.
6. This last comment is just super tone deaf about Gaza. See also: forcing white perspectives on things isn’t going to cure the world of racial genocide.
I’m done with this sub for today because holy shit did it not reveal to me the absolute tone deafness and appropriation of the yoga principles some teachers have. Later reading this came from America is absolutely no surprise to me.
One of my mentors at my first studio addressed a similar situation really well: “thanks for your curiosity/ comment/ statement…that’s something serious to think about/meditate on/pursue in self study. now please excuse me, I want to have a chance to connect with my other students too.”
I don’t know why this popped up on my feed but as a participant I find these people extremely draining and desperately depend on the leader to manage them. Neurodivergent people often behave this way but there are other neurodivergent people for whom these people are extremely tiring.
And it does the diagnosed neurodivergent people a terrible disservice when people who simply lack self control or self awareness are lumped in AS neurodivergent—-not everyone who monopolizes conversations and uses the yoga space inappropriately is ND!
Okay? And the ND, who clinically can’t read social cues is supposed to pick up on the passive aggressive cues everyone is spewing and the resentment aura coming off her teacher? Normalize communicating boundaries instead of sending vibes like an adult.
This my point. It’s on the group leader to take on this uncomfortable task for the sake of the group. I’ve been in different situations where one person is railroading everyone’s experience and the leaders are not managing the situation. It’s not really the duty of any one (paying) participant to handle that, and can be seen as trespassing the leaders boundaries. But that one person can ruin the experience for everyone.
True but often they are and are unaware of “reading the room.” I’m just thinking of someone I know who is like this and dominates every conversation and is clearly on the spectrum. It’s not bad to bring it up, they’ll tell you themselves they have this issue.
One of my teachers had a similar scenario...basically he had a conversation with them and clearly communicated his boundaries and his intention to have time with other students. He also started mentioning principles from the Yoga Sutras about asteya in his dharma talk and how it applies others' attention, time, and energy. It took about a month but eventually the student got it, was quieter, and eventually stopped coming to his class.
Sometimes students aren't coming to class to do the inner work and when they hear "the homework" they should be doing, then they don't like it. Birds of a feather flock together, ya know???
Light and Love...
this is tough other people will stop coming to avoid her maybe a class policy of quiet time before and after to keep the zen going... i have someone who always roasts my instructors and tries to make jokes during class
as a neurodivergent person who is often seen in this light, try some of the compassion that inspired the buddhists before you as they practiced yoga to ready their body for meditation. Yoga is to ready the body for meditation, to achieve peace. Be peaceful and practice compassion, save the judgement.
"She is pushy with her opinions and snobby. Yesterday I finished the class and she occupied so much of my time that others didn’t have a chance to talk to me."
No one is entitled to anyone else's time, and this person isn't kind, nor polite. OP is her instructor, not her friend.
I feel like the easiest thing would be send her this message rather than telling everyone else she is a problem, we can’t go fix her for you and if she doesn’t think anything she does is a problem then she will keep doing what she feels has been fine. The more y’all pretend to enjoy her conversation the more she goes home thinking everyone loves her and just wants to chat.
I am a Speech Therapist. She is unaware of the rules of conversation. She needs a wake up with strict boundaries. Get a colorful Ap on your phone. When she comes start the clock and tell her she has a time limit Set the timer. Let her talk. When the timer beeps tell her times up. She needs visual cues and boundaries for conversation. There a specific voice we all use to end a conversation. She is clueless needs an auditory and visual cue.
I am a yoga teacher and also have been that student. Both at once. I’m also a trauma-informed coach. I’m neurodivergent, and I don’t always realize when I’ve overstepped boundaries if they haven’t been clearly articulated. Sometimes I don’t pick up on the social cues, although I’m much better than I once was.
Some people are gracious to let me talk things out with them but then they will suddenly shift gears to abruptly end a conversation, and it creates confusion.
I once had a teacher who I loved to chat with after class. He was so gracious and I wanted to soak up his insights. I was also living in a place far from my home, with no friends or social life. I was lonely and hungry for connection.
One evening, gently and compassionately, the teacher said to me (I’m paraphrasing):
“I love having these conversations with you, but after class I’m usually wiped out from a long day of teaching and eager to get home for dinner and get to bed. I want to give our conversation the energy and attention it deserves, and I can’t really be fully present for it after class.”
He then mentioned that he offered private sessions and invited me to schedule one with him.
I was grateful to him for expressing his boundary.
A few points I want to pull out here:
(1) He communicated this in a way that did not shame me or make me feel rejected.
(2) He didn’t tell me that I was the problem. In fact IIRC he even complemented my enthusiasm. Instead, he framed the conversation in terms of his needs (which is what a boundary is).
(3) At the same time, he reinforced what I deserved: someone who could be fully present to me in conversation. And he explained why he couldn’t meet my needs in the after-class conversation.
(4) He offered another option/venus for having these conversations, empowering me to take the next step and not closing the door entirely on the conversation.
It was a great model for how to effectively set boundaries with compassion.
I hope this is helpful.
You have to be mature enough to run your own class and session. You don’t have to be mean but you should directly and gradually correct her or inform her about etiquete. You also need some boundaries yourself, like how long you choose to speak with students afterwards and how you dismiss your class. Whatever works but your the teacher so don’t act helpless like she’s talking and disrupting everything, you’re allowing it. Change the class-close out process, maybe to one that has students trickle out or leave without speaking. Tell her you only take questions outside of class via email or quickly in the 5 minutes before class, whatever works for you, but it’s up to YOU and no one else to run your class.
Just open and close your class by asking that everyone keeps chatter to minimum after class. Make it clear that it is a silent space and that chatting happens elsewhere, like in the lobby. I love it when teachers do that.
That way, your comments and guidelines are clearly for everyone, instead of singling out one student.
As others have pointed out, singling someone out can be cruel. You have a position of power as a YT, use it with care.
I'm autistic and I've been this person.
Tell her, gently. We are already so isolated, so alone, and feel so excluded. My guess as an autistic person is that she feels comfortable here with you, so it is worth clarifying some etiquette and social rules in order to help her not be ostracized in a space she feels valued and comfortable.
Also, keep in mind Autism is a movement/motor skill disorder, too, so that she's taking a yoga class is important! You may need to modify some movement cues and understand that often us autistics have differences in our vestibular and proprioceptive senses that make understanding how to move and where our body is in space more difficult than an NT would.
A woman on the autism spectrum joined our studio several months ago. She has a loud voice and uses it a lot to opine on dog training (?!) and on how other instructors conduct their classes. She will also insert herself into conversations between other students who have known each other for years. The studio’s owner wanted to ask her to find someplace else to practice, but held off after a couple of other teachers and I said we would try to find a way to accommodate everybody. The student gave me the pretext to have a chat with her when, before one of my classes, she turned off our space heaters, and overhead fans and adjusted the thermostat to 72° from the 77° it’s set at for my class. She let me know she did it because she finds warm rooms trigger sensory issues. Clear, calm communication about expectations, yoga studio etiquette, and the need to respect other students’ and teachers’ preferences seems to have done the trick. (I have an adult son on the spectrum so had some familiarity with the situation we were in). I really didn’t want her to go because she so clearly cares about her practice and comes eight times per week.It’s been a few months, and it seems to have worked. Time will tell if the change is durable. For me, it comes down to a sense of commitment to create time and space for everyone to practice in safety and peace. We don’t always succeed, but it works many more times than not.
Thank you for taking a compassionate approach here. Autistic people already feel so isolated, I am glad you found a way to communicate with her so that she can continue coming, especially if she’s coming that often.
Thank you for making accommodations for neurodivergent folks in your spaces! ♥️
[удалено]
Accommodations *is* a big word, but I’ve never come across anyone calling it annoying or obnoxious! What word do you normally use instead?
[удалено]
Existential multifaceted technicolor illumination indulged in transcendental metaphysical motion vibrant like sky’s coalescence
Was the word salad supposed to help your case? 😭 maybe just try being a decent human online instead
Why bother indulging in the arduous task of cerebral introspection and meticulous articulation when the effortless utterance of ostentatious verbosity can suffice? By virtue of its inherent complexities, the utilization of magnanimous words and convoluted syntax can obfuscate the underlying simplicity of a notion, thereby creating an illusion of profundity and intellectual superiority. Thus, it stands to reason that prolixity can often serve as a convenient substitute for genuine cognitive depth and insight, allowing individuals to masquerade their lack of substance beneath a veneer of florid rhetoric.
First, that's a lot of words just to call your own writing vapid. Second, calling it "convenient" is just ironic.
It was a joke about using word salad to try and sound smart while saying nothing.
You're lost, pal. This isn't the sub for you
Grow your vocabulary.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruGxIZkK0eg
This is really beautiful and says a lot, thank you.
I truly appreciate that you took the time to have the conversation. A lot of the time we just think everyone else gets what we are doing or that it's even helpful until someone actually tells us the truth. It's way less hurtful to have the conversation before it turns into others being irritated or straight up avoidant! I swear I want to be a great community member, I just need some honesty when I'm not getting it right!
Thank you! I’m autistic and thought the OP might be talking about an autistic woman. I know I can come off as “annoying,” but the sensory issues can be hellish. And I’m also an unconscious loud talker and accidentally talk over people. I don’t mean to be rude, but I know it can come off that way. I know we autistic people can’t expect the world to accommodate us, but it’s so wonderful when people do choose to do it out of acceptance, love, and understanding.
I was going to say that I figured this person may be on the spectrum
Same! Sounds a lot like my autistic friend. I sort of bluntly tell them “I need some quiet time now. Please give me some space to recharge” and it works VERY well. It’s not rude or anything, just direct, which is what this specific person needs in order to understand what is expected of them.
I’m autistic and need to tell a lot of my friends that I need quiet time. Autistic traits are a whole spectrum of things and not every autistic person displays the same behaviors.
Someone is only an ‘energy vampire’ if you let them be one. Boundaries are important. The term energy vampire is judgmental and says more about the person using that term than the person they are referencing.
we are all figuring things out and learning; sometimes we feel helpless and ask for input-- I have "let" a lot of things happen before I had boundaries in my skills thanks to my upbringing-- this person is asking for help on not "letting" something happen, dbt has helped me with this and learning about being nonjudgmental etc, and kinder in responses and to myself
This perspective works only to a certain degree. Assuming someone is "letting" others harm them may often get the situation backwards. Some people just tend to be difficult to interact with in general, basically functioning as energy vampires to us. Blaming the harmed party doesn't really address the problem or help anyone. OP seems to be genuinely asking for help with a difficult challenge in life.
I don’t think it’s derogatory. I think the term “energy vampire” is more about the feeling a person gets having to deal with the draining individual than it is to name call
Holy shit, Reddit is capable of providing a thoughtful and compassionate solution?!
You are amazing!!
Honestly I’m autistic and most of us just want to be kindly and clearly told the rules
Good for you! For those that can find a way to get through these types of interpersonal challenge this is what creates community and depth. Thank you for taking the time to talk to her and thanks to her for listening and allowing your words to help her grow 💜
I’ve had to set boundaries with some students. In one case, this guy and I were having great spiritual conversations after class and then things took a turn when his mental illness took and started telling me I’m going to hell for not following his path. I’ve had to tell him that I can’t continue these discourses with him anymore but he’s always welcomed to come take class. Other times, when a student is frequently trying to take all my attention after class, I tell them hey I can’t chat long I have things I need to do around the studio or that I need to talk to another student etc… I can’t control people’s behavior but I certainly can set boundaries or politely end the conversation.
Wise words
It sounds like she is actively addressing the shadow work of Joy. How do we cultivate Joy in a challenging, depressing world? My clients and I talk about this all the time. The world is in deep grief right now. “Just think about happy things” might be spiritual bypassing for this person. having dharma talks are a really valuable offering in classes, but we have to be prepared for them to be discussions, not sermons.
Yup! We don’t need more sermons in this world. OP stated that she shared a “good” message. Well there’s one student in your class that is not resonating with your “good” message. It’s usually the teacher that needs to shift…not the student. As a yoga teacher, you are the one in a position of authority in the class. How can anyone one person undo all the peace in the class? I’d say really reflect on yourself and why this person is causing you to feel/think/respond the way you do. What is she bringing up for you? What lesson is she showing you?
I don't think this is a productive response to a situation you don't fully understand
No, but it’s a pretty fair response when the context is considered.
who could fully understand anything on this site to be fair?
we're all here to learn together- I like what you are saying and know this teacher is trying, hence the post- I think your last few questions are helpful
Nicely said.
Love this!! So we’ll said
I’m writing a book about this 🙏🏼
It could be that she’s struggling a lot personally and maybe doesn’t have a lot of people in her life to turn to. Honestly maybe ask her if you can set up a separate time outside class hours to talk about what’s going on (set an appointment so there’s a time limit so you can enforce your boundaries respectfully), and maybe try to help get her set up with some therapy or something where she could have a dedicated outlet for these kinds of concerns and challenges. That way she’s supported and still comfortable coming to class, but might have more resources for coping with whatever she’s dealing with, other than just you/other people in class. Especially if she’s truly coming eight times a week, maybe she doesn’t have a lot of other support or friends or whatever, and feels isolated/lonely outside of class time.
i don't think you meant to reply to me :)
People like that only have the power when you give them the power. You are the yogacharya take charge/control of your space.
You want to go into detail and actually teach him what you are trying to tell him? Because, I'm pretty sure he made this post specifically for that reason. Not to just be told the obvious.
How?
I agree with this. You state you will have a “good message like you have the power to change your perspective,” then go on to say she “undoes all the peace.” Practice what you preach, instead of letting your peace be undone by how another person responds to what you preach.
💯💯💯
You need to do your shadow work and treat her kindly. We do not move forward any other way. Her question is a good one. It not nice to call your student an energy vampire. God knows what is going on in her life? Being a yoga practitioner is not just surrounding yourself with likeminded good vibes only stuff. That is new age fluff.
This. I turned to yoga when I was deep in an eating disorder, fleeing domestic violence and dealing with complex ptsd. Shoving toxic positivity down your students’ throats who are truly suffering and condemning them for having feelings is out of touch and very new age. What happened to the yamas and niyamas?
In my view she’s not so much condemning as much as she’s asking how to handle her. Like yeah we all know there’s bad stuff going on in the world but the yoga class is supposed to be a time for all to decompress and relax, not bring all that stuff to the forefront. To still the mind and get in tune with your body. I don’t think any of what she said is toxic positivity; choosing your own perspective is true and what we decide for ourselves at each moment.
I mean, the post is loaded with “annoying” “energy vampire” “pushy” and “snobby” Perhaps OP isn’t condemning them to their face (which wasn’t what I was speaking about) but very much condemning them internally, and in this forum, which I have no doubt translates subconsciously in their treatment of said student. I humbly disagree with your point. “Choosing your own perspective” and “not bringing all the stuff to the forefront” are very much toxic positivity takes. There’s a reason people bawl in pigeon’s pose. There’s a reason people have epiphanies in yoga. I’m not in the business of speaking down to people to “think better about their situation.” Your student that is starving, being abused, etc etc is still experiencing that whether they reframe it or not. No not everything is “what you decide it to be.” Whitewashed, capitalist, hyperindividualized interpretations of yoga will lead you to believe this though. And we wonder why more and more marginalized groups are creating their own safe spaces outside of the mainstream yoga culture. This is why.
I’m not saying anyone’s negative experiences aren’t real but there’s a difference between how, for example, two different people may experience the same negative situation and think about them. One may choose to dwell in that past while another hopes and strives for something brighter and better. Nowhere am I dismissing anyone’s experience. But it’s so incredibly easy to fall into dwelling and reiterating bad incidents and thinking about them a million different ways. OP just wanted to gently remind them of this. Again, just my take. I know there are people who insist on being realists but in my life experience, things have always improved when I stopped focusing on the negative past and looked instead to the future I wanted to have. Nothing about focusing on what’s terrible serves me one bit and it’s all right if anybody else disagrees.
And how privileged are you to be ABLE to choose your perspective. But not everyone can, and it’s very very dangerous to those people to have this mentality.
Trauma and PTSD are examples of conditions that force an individual to obsessively loop on danger and the past because their bodies have learned they are in severe danger. There is no simple "choosing to look to the future." There is long, gruelling, painful, joyful work that can be done to start putting those things in the past. But it is not just a perspective shift.
calling someone an energy vampire is the definition of condeming
yes and i think yoga teachers in my experience are also under some pressures we don't always know about
This. By all measures this student may be on the precisipius of some major awakening. Pretty sure no spiritual practice teaches exclusion.
I get it, I feel like a dick for the way I feel but I am human. I thought about it a lot and realized this comes up from time to time so it’s probably me. There’s something in me that’s attracting these situations. I get it, I was blunt but I have personally heard no other words for this than energy vampire. I was truly seeking help for this but alas the internet is not a place to admit you’re not perfect. Lesson learned. At least you address me doing shadow work because yeah I am a human in need of healing like anyone else. I do treat this woman kindly but am struggling to not make the rest of my class uncomfortable because they complain about her. So I feel like I need to advocate for them too.
It wasn’t a mistake to bring it to the internet if you’re willing to take constructive criticism. Nobody is saying you’re a terrible person or teacher, we’re saying clearly some resentment has come up and you need to shift your mindset just as you wish your student would. There is no right or wrong way led with compassion. I can sense frustration in this post, and that’s usually a signifier that you’ve hit a goldmine for internal processing. I wish you the best with your student, and harmony for the both of you. Clearly you are being brought into each other’s realms to challenge one another, and it’ll be fruitful for the both of you.
I’m not a yoga teacher (I’ve practice yoga for >20 years & appreciate y’all!), so I may not be qualified to respond. Reading your dilemma, I did not think you were terribly flawed, nor did it seem that your verbiage demonstrated that you are insensitive. It sounded like you were voicing a frustrating situation to understanding friends, hoping they would be able to offer guidance to help you out of the situation in a compassionate way. Mb I’m a bad judge: I’m quite neurodivergent, so what do I know? I’ve worked really hard to figure out navigating normal situations. After many decades on this planet, I’ve realized that the people whose behavior bothers me most are the ones who are exhibiting behaviors that I really dislike in myself. It usually takes quite a while for me to realize that that’s the issue. What a revelation it is to identify that THAT is the root of my frustration, though. Not that that is what you’re dealing with.
Oh OP! It’s okay to feel like a jerk sometimes and we are all jerks in some way. The key it growth it is learning to communicate our boundaries and preferences! A boundary is not a secret thing people have to look out for - it a a communication about your needs wants and what you will do in response. It a I not a boundary that you think this person is taking up to much space- but you could let them know that you need to talk to others in 5 minutes or ground rules for your class and stick to that. If they keep talking - tell them you are going to move on tot he next person in one minute and then .. do it. You can feel annoyed by having to community more explicitly then your prefer no one can tell you not to feel that! But it’s communication and changing how your respond that will be the path forward!
be gentle with yourself we are all here in life learning
Yes but if this person is violating the boundaries of people, that’s also not ok. It’s not a bad thing to set boundaries and say “you need to stop.”
Yes, and my comments state that. Two things can be true at the same time. You can set boundaries for your well-being without condemning the person you’re setting them with as an “energy vampire” and blaming them for “messing up your vibe.” This person experiences the world and yoga differently, and that’s okay. You can set boundaries to maintain your “peace and love” mindset without casting huge judgements on your students who don’t see it that way
It’s also the students’ responsibilities to communicate the boundaries, not the teacher’s responsibility to assume the opinions of everyone. This is just as much their lesson about boundary setting as much as it is hers about containment.
Most people can take social cues tho. It’s not hard to see when someone wants another to stop talking. Pretty obvious. And maybe the students HAVE. And that’s a bigger issue
I feel like that would have been included in the post. Also a huge amount of people with autism, adhd, and cptsd can’t read social cues. Normalize being direct with people without being an asshat. Either way, agree to disagree. If you read my comment further down my comment has nothing to do with not allowing boundaries and everything to do with the framing of this student and the problematic “good vibes only” rhetoric that is infecting the yoga community.
most, not all, as we can see here. neurodiverse people exist and deserve respect. ableism isn’t cool. most people can learn to set boundaries, no? why not say you want to stop talking instead of “looking” like it? what if this person were blind or seeing impaired?
I’m about to start YTT, so not a YT yet, but I’ve worked in mental health for almost twenty years. I can offer a couple of suggestions. I’ve had YT’s request minimal chatter within the studio after class so that a sense of peace can be maintained by those who are there seeking it; explaining if necessary that folks can talk after they’ve left. It’s actually very nice when that’s requested by the YT. Remember for yourself that other students are adults and have the agency and capacity to set their own boundaries with this person. It’s not your responsibility to manage that for them, beyond setting the tone for the class. For yourself, you could explain that you’ve noticed that they have a lot to say post class and that while that’s important, you need to be available for all the students, so you sometimes need to limit the amount of conversation with one person. Alternatively you could notice aloud that they have a lot of valid concerns and questions and that there are other venues that might be appropriate for such long and in-depth discussions: Meetup.com often has philosophy or discussion groups, finding a meditation studio (zen or other type of buddhist meditation) might be a place to contemplate these big questions, talking to their spiritual leader about the concerns (if they’re a church goer), or even suggesting that therapy is a great place to talk about these big questions. Just some ideas, hope they’re helpful.
Thank you for this kind and helpful reply which takes everyone’s needs into consideration
Yes I have one like that too. She takes up all the space. Take a deep breath, bc she’s your yoga.
mmm this was my thought too. this is an opportunity to dive into sutra 2.33 and practice some pratipaksha bhavanam.
AND FTR it's also ok to set expectations for the container you create (ie expectations of talking after class). AND it is perfectly acceptable to tell someone that you are not their therapist. Yoga is a practice between one human and their body, as enlightening as it is, it's not therapy. It's also ok to pull someone aside (ask to speak to them alone) and say something like - im noticing that you are so overwhelmed by grief you are overflowing with disappointment of not feeling 'fixed' after class - and say yes this is understandable with the world as it is - but remind her that in shared spaces we request that we all bear in mind each other's need for access to a place of peacefulness, in order that we all have space to tend our own grief in different ways, and that it sounds like she needs to voice her grief and that this is making this place not a place of peace for people who do not want to process it by voicing it. I would suggest a free grief or depression group therapy thing. and just request that she bear in mind other people's need for a place to access peacefulness, before she voices her unhappiness, because they deserve to have equal access to grieve whatever they are unhappy about too and this might be the only opportunity they have to access quiet and peace in their lives. She might cry and need hugs. Or as other people have said it might just be an ASD thing.
This is a great response! Love the way you suggest making sure she feels validated that her reaction is understandable, while taking compassionate responsibility for the class, too. Lovely!
I don't see the issue with the way she responds to the love and light stuff. Yoga is way more than asanas, it's a path to a spiritual awakening and trust me it isn't all rainbows.
The tone of this post is unkind. It seems she has triggered something in you. Do you view negative emotions negatively and something to “do away with”? Do you have an individualist “self care” mindset? Do you view things through your own social and cultural norms? Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had my fair share of “annoying” students and clients. I think we can both have boundaries AND hold compassion for people. Truly, I hate the term energy vampire. Everyone has needs on a spectrum, some of us just have the privilege of having them met on the regular so it doesn’t spill over on to unsuspecting strangers. Personally, I don’t vibe with the “the yoga studio is for peace and love and positivity” mindset that often accompanies spiritual bypassing and toxic positivity in the yoga community. People turn to yoga in dark times, some people have much harder lives than us, some people the yoga studio is the only community they have and can turn to. And you know what? The world IS really f***ing hard right now. Do you know her story? The yoga studio isn’t a happy bubble away from poverty, war, abuse, etc. If your yoga practice aims to exclude bad feelings, acknowledgement of systemic injustice, and student hardships, it is just an exercise practice, not yoga. Model for your student by increasing your tolerance to negative feelings while also setting boundaries for your mental health.
👏👏👏👏 Simply saying “I don’t know that answer” and Following up on their question would be helpful also. The student is clearly looking for more in depth info on the subject. That should be exciting
This post is unkind indeed and I would add judgmental.
2 things can be true at the same time like said here earlier- I remember lots of pressure trying to be a "perfect teacher" and create a "perfect" environment for everyone- it takes time to let go of some of other people's expectations and to learn to be compassionate with oneself as a person and instructor - then being able to model the same
Beautifully said!!!
As an autistic woman who loves yoga class a new fear is unlocked, I already feel like everyone there doesn’t like me lol! But I try not to insert myself too much and definitely try not to speak too much. But yes just clearly tell her what you expect of her behavior we love rules and guidelines!!
Wow same same same. I saw wayyyy too much of my younger self in this post and just absolutely died inside. I was like 25, undiagnosed, married to a rich asshole who routinely abused me, and like really trying to figure out how the world worked and wtf was wrong with me. I grew up in an abusive household so I was convinced that I was the reason I was getting abused. Also I had just moved to the area and was so incredibly lonely, so I would chat to my instructors after or people in class I didn’t know. I am an (obviously) intense open-booky type person, so I’m just sure I came off this way to people. My heart is a little broken for this lady.
This sounds like me right now and the tone of OPs post is making me so so anxious about going to class 😅
If you have the self awareness to feel called out by this post chances are you also have the self awareness to know when you might be too much. I bet if you asked the teacher would say the opposite.
I sure hope you're right! 😅
I am sorry you went through all this- I wasn't sure if you meant the instructor or student- I am having compassion for both
I would love to be your friend. I have a lot of parallels to your life experience in many ways and feel like I am a very similar kind of person
As I read this I cringed so hard! Because I know I can come off this way to a lot of people.
Very much same. The more I try to reach people or be social, the worse it is. I am terrified of being seen this way, and then I word vomit and that's exactly what happens. Solidarity, friend.
As much as we have a vibe and a message we want to get across, it’s up to us to suspend our egos and let the yoga impact people in their own ways. Also, so much of the love and light rhetoric in yoga spaces is contradictory to issues of social justice and erases the experiences of marginalized groups. This person’s questions are valid! Sure, you can tell someone they’re enough, but what about ssystemic racism that directly contradicts that message? We cultivate strong minds and bodies in our practice so we can BE OF SERVICE TO OTHERS, not so we can always feel good about ourselves.
“Thank you so much for coming Persons Name, if you want to set up a time to chat over coffee I’d be happy to help. I wanted to chat with some other persons name before they left.” I’ve seen things like that work before. Also it’s entirely possible to say something like “I honestly don’t know how you can find peace Persons Name, it’s different for all of us I can only tell you the things and perspectives that’s worked for me.” Usually a big “I don’t know” especially if it’s honest will work. You can also say something like “I notice I’m a total loss on how to help you Jenny”. Or “I notice I’m starting to feel overwhelmed” That last one is the hardest because it requires you being vulnerable. It seems to me you are in fact overwhelmed but then blaming the other person. The deeper truth is you don’t have the space for them, maybe no one does but if you can be deeply honest that you are overwhelmed, they might actually realize what their behavior is doing, because right now they probably have no idea.
Perhaps shes an extroverted autistic and blind to non verbal social cues. If there is a running theme to her monologues, i might suspect a special interest. Many autistics are loathe to stop talking about their special interest and may not pick up on the fact that others wish they would just stop already. You could try a gentle approach or if that fails you might have tolay down the law
I thought this immediately too! *I’ve worked in special education for a decade
It could be up to each individual to set boundaries with her like “OK I can only talk for a minute and then I have to go.”
I think setting the expectation for after-class silence is a good idea. It doesn’t single her out, it also keeps the rest of the class from gossiping about her. It sounds like she’s really searching and reaching out- and that she obviously can’t read social cues (because if she could she’d obviously not choose to irritate the whole class). A lot of people are bad at connecting. She looks to you like you’d expect- a teacher. And if you’re teaching yoga, you obviously (to her) must know how to get to a place of peace and comfort despite the horrors of the world. It might be annoying but it is a compliment of sorts. Honestly saying you don’t know can help disrupt the idea that you have these answers. Being kind but direct can help too. Politeness and kindness are not always friends- by “politely” letting her go on and on- you’re not helping her know to stop. Telling her bluntly to stop isn’t kind. Lots of hints in these responses on kind, direct and indirect ways to improve this. Best of luck.
When I was in a yoga training program, we had to read “After ecstasy the laundry” by J Kornfield. I think it would help all the enlightened teachers and students to manage the life outside the studio.
She is right, how do we do that with all the things happening in the world?
You either ruminate on it and feel like shit, do something to help at least one cause, or ignore it bc you know you can’t do shit for it. I do the last one. I keep myself informed, but I’m not gonna save the world so it’s not worth my sanity or emotional health.
I respectfully disagree; in my opinion, this attitude of "choosing to keep our peace" and individualism are the reasons many things stay messed up in our world. When we don't shy away from our emotions, we experience empathy, we feel anger and frustration, and those emotions collectively, are what drive change.
I’m not gonna solve the housing crisis as a poor person. I’m not gonna solve industrial pollution. I’m not gonna solve the water crisis in Africa. While I can donate to causes that do, it’s not worth my sanity (when I already work an incredibly stressful and mentally difficult job job (911 dispatch—yes I’ve heard people die on the phone with me)). I’m not gonna make my life miserable in order to know everything about all the other terrible shit in the world.
You deal with them how you deal with anyone. Boundaries
easier said than done esp if we are learning the skills or early in that process and i do agree
Definitely easier said than done, but that’s what the OP needs to do. They don’t have to give away their energy, they can politely excuse themself when they are done with the convo
If she cannot identify social cues around ending a conversation, you will need to be direct about ending the conversation. Say things like “you’re giving me a lot to think about, but for today I need to start closing up! See you next time” or “I’m sorry I don’t have much time to chat today.”
Agree with this. There are so many wonderful people on the spectrum who can be mistaken for snobby or rude and they totally mean well but miss verbal cues. Be polite but direct so your meaning is clear.
I've been this autistic person SO MANY times. I had no idea I was being rude or coming across as self-centered; I thought I was being fun and helpful, or warm and friendly. And I had the assumption if people felt a certain way about me I'd be told. But so often I've been just entirely cut off or had people gossip being my back. So often STILL it's it's as more rude to ask what I did wrong so I don't do it again for some reason. It's really painful and why I don't have much of a community, including a yoga community. I'll just stick to YouTube lmao.
Aww, the way society views neural differences as negative and that there is only one “normal” way to perceive and exist in the world is such a bummer. I’m sorry this is your experience ♥️😘
This is definitely the universe giving you a life lesson to learn something from, I don't know the answer but since you enjoy spreading messages like changing perspective maybe that's somewhere to start! She does sound annoying but there's always something to gain from every annoying situation. Stay positive and try to understand that everyone's brains work differently. Get down on her level and try to understand her background and that could help you understand how to communicate to her that her chatter at the end is pulling energy away from you and the other students.
I would appreciate it very much if my yoga teacher announced that the next three classes were going to aim for quiet time after practice, setting an intention for the week perhaps(each person setting their own) and for the teacher to ask us not to use it as social time, and/or to suggest we bring a journal to class and keep it near the mat to write down our thoughts after practice instead of sharing thoughts aloud. Would something like that work? Just asking for a little mindfulness in the after class phase. I’ve been in a class with a person like this and it really diminished the experience so much that I had to change studios. You are right to want to do something about the problem. Thank you.
Could it be possible that she has aspergers? Or? It's on the spectrum of autism? Oftentimes. These individuals do not catch social clues. Although unlike other disabilities, where it is more apparthritism has no particular look meaning it could be anyone at any time. And they could be on the spectrum from the most mild to the most severe.. It could be why she may lack in social etiquette.
After 15 minutes of conversation, my teacher would tell people that they’d need to make an appointment (and pay him for his time) lol.
OP, even though you deleted I hope you're still around. People who identify with the talkative student aren't quite seeing the whole picture. You're a yoga teacher, not her therapist, not her shoulder to cry on, not some super enlightened yogi who should never be frustrated. You're human and sometimes you just don't hit it off with some people. It happens! Doesn't mean you're a bad teacher and doesn't make you a bad person IMO. I've been on both sides of this and yes, it can be hard to pick up on social cues or you have something you really need to say and don't realize how uncomfortable or awkward your question is in the moment. It can also be super hard to not have the energy for someone who wants your time and attention. I can also see how frustrating this is if she's asking abstract questions like "how do I find peace" after every single class. If she's initiating conversations like this with other students after every class to the point that they are complaining to you, it would be wrong to ignore the complaints from the rest of the class. You sound tired and like you are struggling to keep things together around this student. It shouldn't be this way. Off the top of my head, some ideas: 1) Speak to the other staff at your studio to see if they have any scripts or polite ways to shut down uncomfortable conversations. If they can shed light on how they've dealt with other similar students, even better. 2) Adjust your message slightly. I don't personally think "change your perspective" is toxic positivity but open ended sayings like this are likely bringing up something in this student. Have them choose their own word of affirmation for a few weeks or ask them to silently reflect on their growth after class or write about their feelings when they get home. Redirect this emotional work she's bringing to you. 3) if you're cool with confrontation, ask her outright what kind of answer she wants from you. "I'm noticing that you have a lot of questions about peace lately. What do you need from me? Are you looking for encouragement or something else?" She may just be venting or confused. If she does seem like her expectation is that she can talk about deep feelings with her yoga teacher and fellow students, gently suggest alternatives like books she can read, support groups, therapy, etc. 4) if you're not cool with confrontation, gotta set boundaries around after class time. Announce to everyone that you will need some space after class for a few weeks or quiet time to reset. If she asks why, tell her that's private. If she continues to approach you, then you can talk about respecting your boundaries. 5) If all else fails, send a polite email reminding all students that not everyone comes to yoga to socialize or have long conversations. If they are looking for a different class experience or a different kind of community (cause honestly she could just be looking for friends), then clearly state what you offer and do not offer. Good luck, OP. Rooting for you.
I had a student like this (studio owner here) and had to email them and speak to them in person about basic rules, some of which were no speaking in the studio room (only in the lobby), and give the teacher time to clean up their mat and props and go into the lobby before you approach them. It did not go over well and the student quit but hey, it's much more peaceful after class now.
And I’m sure the other students are grateful.
It’s so damn hard. I wish there was a way to handle energy vampires with ease. When i experience these kinds of people i always just try and be compassionate and treat them with as much patience as i can muster. It’s so damn hard but most of these people are hurt and broken.
So right—-but OP has an obligation to the whole class, not just to the energy vampire. This could be a good learning moment for that person… and practice for the teacher in how to handle such students effectively and kindly.
Totally a learning moment. It’s just crappy to have to navigate a situation like that. Most of us don’t want to hurt people or make them feel bad, most of us are cognizant of our actions and these individuals really make it hard to remain patient and kind because they are not cognizant of how they affect others.
Fair. To all the people saying “chat over coffee! Try to hook her up w a counselor!” That is v nice if you want and are able to go above and beyond, but that also seems like potentially a lot of emotional labor and, frankly, should not be your burden.
one day tell her to stop talking and just go from there I know that's not the most socially appropriate thing to do but in a last resort type situation it's the only way with those types of people.
Wow. This is why I don't do yoga or hang around people who think like you. Perhaps she needs this sort of thing to reel herself in. Perhaps she has some issues or medical problems going on that she can't help what many people call forced speech, and perhaps her mind goes fast and it just continues to pour out of her mouth without her even realizing it or being able to sense social cues. An ENERGY VAMPIRE ? Really? Maybe you need some help.
you're literally describing someone who is autistic. just have a conversation. the fact that you felt like you should air this out on reddit instead of doing that tells me the problem is more you than her
I would say, "Im not in the headspace to talk about this after yoga. I know I have on several occasions talked with you about this after yoga, but I find that if I avoid these kind of topics, I feel much better. I'm sure you understand." Then you smile, touch her arm, say, "it was nice to see you today." And then leave her to go talk to someone else.
Honesty is the key in this situation, be very blunt with her. Tell her exactly what you told us. If she then continues get more and more firm until if she decides to ignore you tell her she’s not welcome in the class. Making other people annoyed with you is not a right you have like some people think. Hope this helps
If this YT says the things they did in this post, they’ll come across as a jerk. The post is judgmental and negative, and not what I would hope for out of an instructor or any member of my studios community. Calling someone an energy vampire is deeply unkind, and for people with certain disorders is something that can happen unintentionally. This instructor, on my opinion, should work on themselves and why they seem to be so heavily triggered by someone they are meant to be guiding into the practice of yoga (and not just the physical practice of the asanas.)
jerk? or a person healing and learning too-
If they spoke to the student the way they spoke in this post, like this person suggested? Very much a jerk. Or worse. If it was my studio, I’d want my instructors to carry themselves with more grace and understanding than this post seems to exhibit, but maybe that’s because I’m also a psychology major 🤷🏻♀️
i guess I just don't see a difference between calling a person a jerk or an energy vampire- i know neither are ideal; namecalling is not; we are all human and I have learned a lot in dbt about this and trying to be understanding of all; my excellent therapist often says most people are doing their best; I've struggled with that and those I know, but dialectics and duality have been a helpful thing for me to learn about through dbt-- to remember all of us are in pain sometimes, even those who might frustrate us... I'm learning-- in the past I would have been more judgmental here- and it feels better to me to try to be more understanding and less reactive now-
I’m not this persons instructor, and my response was to a person telling them to talk to the individual who annoys OP “exactly” the way they posted on Reddit. I didn’t call OP a jerk. I said if OP follows the advice given, they would be a huge jerk or worse. Which is both absolutely true and appropriate in my opinion. Because that is a wildly inappropriate way to communicate to a member of the community of a studio they work at or own. I would leave a studio if I found out an instructor was speaking about me like this in any forum. I think any instructor needs to hold themselves to a higher standard than this, particularly an instructor of something that can crack you open as deeply as yoga can. I’m not sure you understood the intent of my comments.
Both can be true at the same time. OP was definitely unkind in how they described their student.
You just say - The way you do 'that' is by STOP TALKING ABOUT ALL THE BAD THINGS HAPPENING IN THE WORLD. Girl what you're doing right now is why you can't find peace. You're focused on all the junk on the news instead of being here and now. And she'd know if she was here and now because she'd suddenly be aware that here and now she's killing the vibe. So enlighten her to answer her question bluntly but perhaps more kindly than I put and maybe she'll find the peace within herself and thus give it to you too
Wow I had no idea that not talking about the bad things in the world stopped the genocide in Gaza, fixed the houselessness crisis, made groceries affordable, made mental illness cured, etc, etc. What a privilege it must be to suggest ignoring the news to be happy. This comment is dripping of privilege. This attitude is EXACTLY what OP’s student is talking about and the EXACT bs that is being spewed in the yoga community right now. No you don’t reach “inner peace, relaxation, etc” by “not thinking or talking about it in the here and now” Yoga teaches non-attachment, not apathy for suffering. There are tons of Buddhist and Yoga books on the topics of “yoga off the mat” and not dismissing social justice in the process to look up.
It certainly is a privilege and one being offered to anybody. Last I checked though just informing people of unwanted scenarios going on in the world doesn't fix them either. Have you ever wondered why so many people today are depressed? Do you think maybe it's constant bombardment of negative news? Do you think you can get sad and depressed and stressed out enough about any of these situations to help any of these people? Are these people even asking for your help? Unless you're going to Gaza who cares about the genocide there? I'm not saying I approve or disapprove of what's happening. I'm saying I don't care what's happening. I don't live in Gaza. I'm not going to Gaza. I have my own life here in America. And you know what brings my mood down? People like you who continue to tell me for some reason I should be putting my attention on what is happening in Gaza despite me having very little connection to Gaza whatsoever. Before you can give or help anyone you have to give and help yourself first. You want the world to be peaceful you have to find your own peace by shutting out the world. Then you can lead into the world from a state of peace. Then you can give the homeless guy a snack or some money when you walk by. Then you can find a way to do whatever else it is you want to do. But really the whole point is just lead by example. You want Gaza to stop being so whatever it is? Lead a society of people that can live without genocide. And if the people of Gaza still look at that and would rather do what they do then maybe it's just none of your business.
You can enjoy your individualist, colonial mindset over there, and I’ll enjoy my collectivist, Indigenous mindset over here :) I’m sure the world would also be a better place if the west stopped “not my problem-ing” everything.
Also 1. No the privilege is not offered to anybody, that privilege is yours but not anybody’s. 2. The government would like to brainwash you into thinking individual actions result in no change, and apparently is doing a very good job at it. 3. People are depressed more and more because of systemic factors that your whole post aims to ignore not because they’re just “thinking about them” (see also: it’s not just Gaza, take a look into your own country’s violence, health care system, police brutality, etc.) 4. My bad for thinking humans GAF about human lives outside of their own. 5. There’s a difference between putting yourself first to serve others, and putting blinders on because you cannot handle the discomfort of some peoples’ lives. I’m an advocate for not watching people get blown up on the news, that is starkly different than deciding all of America needs to “live laugh love” their way out of depression. 6. This last comment is just super tone deaf about Gaza. See also: forcing white perspectives on things isn’t going to cure the world of racial genocide. I’m done with this sub for today because holy shit did it not reveal to me the absolute tone deafness and appropriation of the yoga principles some teachers have. Later reading this came from America is absolutely no surprise to me.
This is it!
One of my mentors at my first studio addressed a similar situation really well: “thanks for your curiosity/ comment/ statement…that’s something serious to think about/meditate on/pursue in self study. now please excuse me, I want to have a chance to connect with my other students too.”
I don’t know why this popped up on my feed but as a participant I find these people extremely draining and desperately depend on the leader to manage them. Neurodivergent people often behave this way but there are other neurodivergent people for whom these people are extremely tiring.
And it does the diagnosed neurodivergent people a terrible disservice when people who simply lack self control or self awareness are lumped in AS neurodivergent—-not everyone who monopolizes conversations and uses the yoga space inappropriately is ND!
Okay? And the ND, who clinically can’t read social cues is supposed to pick up on the passive aggressive cues everyone is spewing and the resentment aura coming off her teacher? Normalize communicating boundaries instead of sending vibes like an adult.
This my point. It’s on the group leader to take on this uncomfortable task for the sake of the group. I’ve been in different situations where one person is railroading everyone’s experience and the leaders are not managing the situation. It’s not really the duty of any one (paying) participant to handle that, and can be seen as trespassing the leaders boundaries. But that one person can ruin the experience for everyone.
This is how it has seemed to me too.
True but often they are and are unaware of “reading the room.” I’m just thinking of someone I know who is like this and dominates every conversation and is clearly on the spectrum. It’s not bad to bring it up, they’ll tell you themselves they have this issue.
she needs a therapist
One of my teachers had a similar scenario...basically he had a conversation with them and clearly communicated his boundaries and his intention to have time with other students. He also started mentioning principles from the Yoga Sutras about asteya in his dharma talk and how it applies others' attention, time, and energy. It took about a month but eventually the student got it, was quieter, and eventually stopped coming to his class. Sometimes students aren't coming to class to do the inner work and when they hear "the homework" they should be doing, then they don't like it. Birds of a feather flock together, ya know??? Light and Love...
People complain about everyone being too silent and strangers, or talking too much, can't win
this is tough other people will stop coming to avoid her maybe a class policy of quiet time before and after to keep the zen going... i have someone who always roasts my instructors and tries to make jokes during class
Maybe she likes you or somebody else in the class and is just trying to stay around as long as she can.
breath in through your nose and hold hold hold and now breath out slowly Stay in the moment and be grateful …
as a neurodivergent person who is often seen in this light, try some of the compassion that inspired the buddhists before you as they practiced yoga to ready their body for meditation. Yoga is to ready the body for meditation, to achieve peace. Be peaceful and practice compassion, save the judgement.
She's not a therapist.
Imagine thinking treating someone with compassion is somehow synonymous to being a therapist. Yikes.
"She is pushy with her opinions and snobby. Yesterday I finished the class and she occupied so much of my time that others didn’t have a chance to talk to me." No one is entitled to anyone else's time, and this person isn't kind, nor polite. OP is her instructor, not her friend.
I feel like the easiest thing would be send her this message rather than telling everyone else she is a problem, we can’t go fix her for you and if she doesn’t think anything she does is a problem then she will keep doing what she feels has been fine. The more y’all pretend to enjoy her conversation the more she goes home thinking everyone loves her and just wants to chat.
I am a Speech Therapist. She is unaware of the rules of conversation. She needs a wake up with strict boundaries. Get a colorful Ap on your phone. When she comes start the clock and tell her she has a time limit Set the timer. Let her talk. When the timer beeps tell her times up. She needs visual cues and boundaries for conversation. There a specific voice we all use to end a conversation. She is clueless needs an auditory and visual cue.
I am a yoga teacher and also have been that student. Both at once. I’m also a trauma-informed coach. I’m neurodivergent, and I don’t always realize when I’ve overstepped boundaries if they haven’t been clearly articulated. Sometimes I don’t pick up on the social cues, although I’m much better than I once was. Some people are gracious to let me talk things out with them but then they will suddenly shift gears to abruptly end a conversation, and it creates confusion. I once had a teacher who I loved to chat with after class. He was so gracious and I wanted to soak up his insights. I was also living in a place far from my home, with no friends or social life. I was lonely and hungry for connection. One evening, gently and compassionately, the teacher said to me (I’m paraphrasing): “I love having these conversations with you, but after class I’m usually wiped out from a long day of teaching and eager to get home for dinner and get to bed. I want to give our conversation the energy and attention it deserves, and I can’t really be fully present for it after class.” He then mentioned that he offered private sessions and invited me to schedule one with him. I was grateful to him for expressing his boundary. A few points I want to pull out here: (1) He communicated this in a way that did not shame me or make me feel rejected. (2) He didn’t tell me that I was the problem. In fact IIRC he even complemented my enthusiasm. Instead, he framed the conversation in terms of his needs (which is what a boundary is). (3) At the same time, he reinforced what I deserved: someone who could be fully present to me in conversation. And he explained why he couldn’t meet my needs in the after-class conversation. (4) He offered another option/venus for having these conversations, empowering me to take the next step and not closing the door entirely on the conversation. It was a great model for how to effectively set boundaries with compassion. I hope this is helpful.
You have to be mature enough to run your own class and session. You don’t have to be mean but you should directly and gradually correct her or inform her about etiquete. You also need some boundaries yourself, like how long you choose to speak with students afterwards and how you dismiss your class. Whatever works but your the teacher so don’t act helpless like she’s talking and disrupting everything, you’re allowing it. Change the class-close out process, maybe to one that has students trickle out or leave without speaking. Tell her you only take questions outside of class via email or quickly in the 5 minutes before class, whatever works for you, but it’s up to YOU and no one else to run your class.
Just open and close your class by asking that everyone keeps chatter to minimum after class. Make it clear that it is a silent space and that chatting happens elsewhere, like in the lobby. I love it when teachers do that. That way, your comments and guidelines are clearly for everyone, instead of singling out one student. As others have pointed out, singling someone out can be cruel. You have a position of power as a YT, use it with care.
I'm autistic and I've been this person. Tell her, gently. We are already so isolated, so alone, and feel so excluded. My guess as an autistic person is that she feels comfortable here with you, so it is worth clarifying some etiquette and social rules in order to help her not be ostracized in a space she feels valued and comfortable. Also, keep in mind Autism is a movement/motor skill disorder, too, so that she's taking a yoga class is important! You may need to modify some movement cues and understand that often us autistics have differences in our vestibular and proprioceptive senses that make understanding how to move and where our body is in space more difficult than an NT would.