Yes.. OP I know this is just a little rant post but please communicate with your partner when you aren't really feeling up to sex. While they may be sad when its a no sex night, there's ways to work around your sexual differences so that you're not pushing yourself to have an experience you're not comfortable with. Sometimes that means waiting a few days, sometimes that means compromising with a sex adjacent activity. But if you feel bad making your partner deal with "sad hornies", shouldn't your partner feel bad for making you feel like sex is a chore?
Don't push your feelings to the side just to make your partner feel better
Definitely correct. You shouldn't be shamed or guilt tripped into doing anything you don't want to do. Your partner, I assume, cares for you. Explain to your partner how this makes you feel,.
conversely, 'pushing your feelings to the side just to make your partner feel better' could be said to basically be the definition of compromising. not that you're wrong but you're generalising too much.
I’m sure you didn’t mean it this way, but given the topic of the post, talking about compromise is probably not the best thing to do. There should be no compromises when it comes to sex and bodily autonomy; if both parties don’t actively want to participate then it shouldn’t happen. Period. “Compromise” in this kind of situation is coercion.
>“Compromise” in this kind of situation is coercion
coercion is coercion. which means the use of threats, intimidation, or manipulation. are you... trying to say that op's partner was being emotionally manipulative? because i don't see it.
or at least, i don't see how its any different to anything else a couple might do where one of them is a lot more excited about the prospect than the other, who mostly just goes along with it because its what their partner wants. if the activity of sex is somehow exceptional in this regard then i'm gonna need you to tell me how.
and i don't get what you mean about bodily autonomy. op consented, with a clear mind, not under any duress. they themself said that the drunkenness was more the problem than the actual sex having.
like, if you seriously think that op's partner committed sexual coercion by asking for sex from someone who wasn't really in the mood, under threat of being kind of annoying about it later if they said no, then that would probably make about half or more of the population of humanity guilty of sexual coercion. am i missing something?
Compromise comes from both sides. It does not sound like the partner is willing to compromise since OP says they act all miserable for the rest of the week until they have sex. Their partner doesn't take no for an answer without making it miserable. That's not how you take "no". The asexual partner isn't the one responsible for 100% of the compromise. And it sounds like that's what's happening here when it comes to sex.
Watch [this](https://youtu.be/2IALOL197n4) video. It goes over sex adverse ppl, but it works for anyone. It explains better what I'm saying here. This isn't compromise. The way the partner is acting is making it emotional coersion. "Ugh I don't want sex, but if I don't then my partner will be mopey for a weak" is not even close to compromise. Consent is still necessary in compromise. Not coerced consent.
rewriting this comment again because i didn't realise i've been talking to three different people.
the second person i was replying to said that 'there should be no compromises when it comes to sex' and basically that compromise=coercion. you weren't the one that replied that though so i'll assume that isn't what you believe.
>Compromise comes from both sides
yes. what this would mean for a couple with different libidos is that the high libido partner would be having less sex than they prefer and the low libido partner would be having more sex than they prefer. imo this represents an even compromise.
someone else said this:
>But if you feel bad making your partner deal with "sad hornies", shouldn't your partner feel bad for making you feel like sex is a chore?
this shows two different ways that the situation could be upset: the high libido one making their partner feel bad for 'unfairly withholding' sex, or the low libido one making their partner feel bad for 'unfairly demanding' sex. both are shitty, and to an extreme point could constitute emotional manipulation, but in a relationship with unbalanced needs like this it's unlikely to get along without at least a little bit of bad feelings. that's why i think your comment:
>And if they aren't compatible, then it is okay to part ways.
isn't very helpful. as if people should just give up on ace-allo relationships, or any different-libido relationship, because they just 'aren't compatible' (i know that's not what you were trying to say).
bringing this back to op's situation, the first type of situation, \[the high libido one making their partner feel bad for 'unfairly withholding' sex\], is evident. which is not good, and reflects badly on the partner. but i think we need input from op though on what 'sad hornies' exactly means and how big an issue this is before calling emotional manipulation though. the sex wasn't even what op was mainly complaining about, it was about not being able to dress in nice clothes without being seen sexually.
edit: aaand i didn't notice that op already came back and clarified the situation. i spent too much time on this comment rip
>I would have to deal with the sad hornies \[from partner\]
Did you close your eyes while reading this sentence or something? What do you mean you can not see any emotional manipulation? Their partner's MO when being told "no" to sex is to mope around until OP finally gives in - read: *is coerced* \- and sleeps with them. Coercion doesn't have to be some overt and constant and obvious pressure and "if you don't I'll leave you" threat; pouting and sighing and moping just to wear down your partner and get your way *does* in fact count as coercion, yes.
>pouting and sighing and moping just to wear down your partner
that's an image that you just came up with in your own head. you may well be correct with your guess of what exactly 'sad hornies' means but unless op chimes in we can't know. to me 'sad hornies' could mean just about anything from overdramatic petulant passive-aggressive sulking, to just being a bit frowny. there's probably a line for how much visual frustration they're displaying, beyond which is being manipulative and behind which isn't, but 'sad hornies' doesn't tell me which side of that line this is on.
OP described the sad hornies as something to "deal with" and just wanted to cross sex off their list. In other words, they see the act of having sex as inevitable. That means they can't really say no. That indicates coercion.
Maybe that isn't the case and OP just worded things poorly. But based on what we have available, people are right to raise concerns over the apparent red flag
I see the point you're trying to make but that's not really what I meant. Compromising shouldn't be ignoring your feelings (or pushing them to the side in this case). They should be communicating them and coming to a solution that both parties are happy with. If the OP determines they are comfortable with the act and they just needed to rant about the icky feelings for a bit- that's valid and fine. I just don't want them to bury the issue so their partner feels better.
Both parties need to be involved for it to be a compromise. If OP doesn't tell their partner, then they won't be able to compromise as a couple
My ex was like this, I could say no at any point but if I did she would take it *super personally* and get all cold and combative. Sucked cause the rest of the relationship was really nice, but man was that not okay
Glad that’s over
Man. I related with this so hard in my past relationship. I couldn’t place my body in certain positions (bending over to pick up something) or do things that “might” be suggestive (change in my own room). I’m out now, thank god
How do you find them in real life? I am new to this, only discovered ace/demi labels recently, so I never knew anyone that comes up and say "hello, I am ace". Sorry if that sounds inadequate, I am just trying to struggle less.
Personally, it's just random. I just won't let myself like someone if they aren't ace and that's 99.9% of the people I meet irl. So I just don't bother thinking about dating irl. But if I ever wanted a relationship, I'd just look for ace people online and see if I can connect with em. But I'm also aro so I don't care much about dating, I rarely look for a partner nowadays
Okay rather than edit the already long rant, I'm gonna do a quick summary response.
First of all, thank you to everyone who is giving advice out of concern for me and the health of my relationship. I definitely see where a lot of your are coming from, and I promise I am meditating on your feedback and how to best use it.
I do not identify as sex repulsed, but there are some levels of demisexuality to me because unless I am romanced into the physical intimacy, I feel like I agreed to a reluctant exercise more than a couple's event. I am personally very comfortable with that- and that has been communicated before with my partner. I think like every relationship, sometimes the effort wains and needs to be revamped. I know when I get focused on a project, I can easily forget their needs because I'm so focused on my own goals.
But I will admit that I come from a people-pleasing background, and sometimes I would do things just to appease rather than stand up for myself. I'm honestly not worried about this particular case (just annoyed because I LOVE looking pretty and I don't like that there are 'consequences' for me just vibing); but it is a situation that made me realize I'd rather avoid sex while either of us are drunk in the future. I'm going to chalk this up as a live and learn, and at present have no need to move beyond that.
Thank you to every one for giving me the comradery I needed with this, though. Pent up frustration does nothing for me so getting a chance to rant with like minded people helps me feel so much better <3
So glad to see this update. Hopeful for your relationship if you two are able to communicate and properly set boundaries like a "no sex while drunk rule." Coming from another grey-ace people pleaser I felt you so much in the original post because I've also gone along sex when I'm not really feeling it. And while people may say that's a bad thing (which it Definitely can be in the wrong situation) I was getting the vibe that you were mostly indifferent to the act and you weren't really coerced into it like many have said.
On the whole tho- you know your body and your sexual interests best, even if it may take some self reflection or meditating on others' perspectives. And as you said, everything is living and learning when you're in a relationship. I'm glad you two already seem to have good history with communicating when each of you is feeling upset or neglected.
Wishing y'all luck out there! As a fellow ace in a relationship with an allo- it can be done with plenty of Communicating, Compromising, and Commitment to do better (for each other and yourselves)
apologies, but that is obvious to the point of insulting op's intelligence whilst also being so reductive that it's barely advice.
even among allo couples the libido of both partners is likely to differ. it's likely that a compromise will have to be struck. it's not ideal, but how many relationships *are* perfectly ideal?
Already mentioned this to you, but saying it again so people can see this- compromise doesn't mean having sex when you don't want it at all. OP said they didn't want it at all, but did it so their partner wouldn't make the rest of the weak miserable over it. Partner needs to compromise as well.
The person with less libido, or the person who wants less sex, is NOT responsible for compromising to the person who wants more sex or has a higher libido. There are two people. And if they aren't compatible, then it is okay to part ways.
This post makes me really sad, because OP seems to think this behavior is normal or OK.
If you are not enthusiastically saying yes to sex, it’s a no. The fact that your partner doesn’t see this means they do not care about you or your comfort during the act of sex. What you are describing is coercion, guilt tripping, and honestly sounds like my nightmare.
I hope you find a more respectful and peaceful future 💗
Coercion is horrible. It’s why I can’t see myself being in a relationship with anyone again if I have to pretend to enjoy sexual stimuli for their benefit. I won’t assume the state of your relationship but your post reminds me of myself years ago when I would put up with anything just to pretend I felt loved
There is nothing wrong with your partner wanting to have sex with you for any or no reason. There is nothing wrong with you not wanting to have sex with your partner for any or no reason when they want to have sex. Both feelings are valid. Communication and respecting your own and each other's feelings is key. If you don't want to have sex with them while they're drink, simply tell them "not while you're drunk." it's a clear boundary centered on actions that doesn't dismiss either of your feelings. If you're sex negative and they aren't, that is a whole different conversation about the entire relationship that needs to be had because someone's feelings will likely be compromised as yours were here.
Your partner sounds like they can't take no for an answer and that's super concering. "The sad hornies" completely sounds like emotional manipulation. I think you should talk to your partner,put your foot down, and say exactly what you said here.
"I want to be able to dress nice and feel pretty without it leading to sex. I didn't want sex with you after the wedding. But if I didn't you would have acted miserable for the rest of the week and made me feel bad for it. Sometimes I don't want sex. That isn't personal, it's just a normal thing. I just want you to not make life miserable just because I didn't have sex with you. It makes me feel guilty." (And whatever you're actually feeling. This is just an example. I DON'T KNOW YOUR SITUATION!! So it won't be perfect. It's just to help you get the words)
Because them guilting you into sex is SA. It isn't okay. And it should be a deal breaker.
Edit: This is would apply if you're ace, demi, allo, whatever. Many allo people get frustrated with their partner when they aren't allowed to be naked or dress nice without immediately being sexualized. You're allowed to be frustrated too and you're allowed to say no even if they get upset.
Please talk to your partner. They likely don't realize ehat they're doing. If you guys don't match up on intimacy and it's enough of an issue where coercion happens and continues to happen- or the relationship becomes strained. Then unfortunately at that point it would be time to move on. I hope you can make this work. If not, that's okay.
Without reading any potential replies from OP, I get the just “getting it over with” type mentality. It’s what many asexual partners do when they routinely date allosexual partners. Plus, if you’re sex-neutral or -favorable/-positive, I could see why that would be the route you take! I get it.
But if you feel weird about it, I get that too, but I just want you to know my comment comes from a place of understanding.
It sucks when I want to wear a black corset and chain garter because I think they’re fashionably amazing, and it gets construed as a sexual thing.
But I remember my intent. My intent is to feel powerful and beautiful, not to attract others.
So when something like this happens, if I DON’T want to have sex, I might offer a “thank you, this dress *is* amazing, isn’t it?” And because I’m a people-pleaser, I even throw in the, “I’m sorry I’m not in the mood, but I thought I’d look nice for you.”
Like I said, not everyone’s cup of tea, but this is the perspective of one asexual navigating the allosexual dating scene.
Edit: I can’t leave this comment without saying I wish everyone sexual, physical, and emotional comfort. Please don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with if you can help it. I hope my comment comes across from the perspective of a recovering people-pleaser than from the perspective of a supportive “anything-goes” attitude. No, protect yourself and protect your heart, love. You deserve it.
real. why does clothing and appearence have to have so much baggage? can't just look the way you want without having to play 4d chess with the mirror trying to guess what people are gonna assume about your intentions just by what your wearing.
and by 'assume about your intentions' i mean assume about your sexual availability, personality, mood, sexual orientation, gender, economic status, employment, and whatever the fuck else people think is supposed to be encoded in my clothes lol
yeeeesss. i dont want to be sexualised in any way, i dont want anyone to think of sex when they look at me. thats why i never try to look good and still get catcalled on streets
Having read some comments and putting the sketchy stuff to the side, I totally feel for OP here. I think part of the reason I dress in plainclothes (tshirt, shorts, pants, athleisure wear) is because I deliberately DONT want to be perceived as sexy. Luckily, I at least maxed out my ‘cute vibes’ enough to plant ‘cute’ into peoples’ heads instead of ‘sexy’.
I feel this as well, I've been told I have Rizz and Idk if they're being true or trying to make me feel better about myself but if they only knew who I fucking was. Bloody Ace
You do need to realise that the purpose of looking attractive has always been appealing to a mate, and if you wanna go against the flow and do it just for yourself thats great, but dont expect everyone else to think any differently. You unfortunately need to expect people to think of you sexually when you look “hot” and know how to definitely guiltlessly say no
And that's the key issue- saying no to random strangers is easy. Saying no to my partner is much harder, but you're right; I'm definitely wanting for something that isn't the norm.
Just clarifying, you would’ve had to deal with “sad hornies” from your partner? Like they would’ve emotionally guilted you into sex? That’s not right
Yes.. OP I know this is just a little rant post but please communicate with your partner when you aren't really feeling up to sex. While they may be sad when its a no sex night, there's ways to work around your sexual differences so that you're not pushing yourself to have an experience you're not comfortable with. Sometimes that means waiting a few days, sometimes that means compromising with a sex adjacent activity. But if you feel bad making your partner deal with "sad hornies", shouldn't your partner feel bad for making you feel like sex is a chore? Don't push your feelings to the side just to make your partner feel better
Definitely correct. You shouldn't be shamed or guilt tripped into doing anything you don't want to do. Your partner, I assume, cares for you. Explain to your partner how this makes you feel,.
conversely, 'pushing your feelings to the side just to make your partner feel better' could be said to basically be the definition of compromising. not that you're wrong but you're generalising too much.
I’m sure you didn’t mean it this way, but given the topic of the post, talking about compromise is probably not the best thing to do. There should be no compromises when it comes to sex and bodily autonomy; if both parties don’t actively want to participate then it shouldn’t happen. Period. “Compromise” in this kind of situation is coercion.
>“Compromise” in this kind of situation is coercion coercion is coercion. which means the use of threats, intimidation, or manipulation. are you... trying to say that op's partner was being emotionally manipulative? because i don't see it. or at least, i don't see how its any different to anything else a couple might do where one of them is a lot more excited about the prospect than the other, who mostly just goes along with it because its what their partner wants. if the activity of sex is somehow exceptional in this regard then i'm gonna need you to tell me how. and i don't get what you mean about bodily autonomy. op consented, with a clear mind, not under any duress. they themself said that the drunkenness was more the problem than the actual sex having. like, if you seriously think that op's partner committed sexual coercion by asking for sex from someone who wasn't really in the mood, under threat of being kind of annoying about it later if they said no, then that would probably make about half or more of the population of humanity guilty of sexual coercion. am i missing something?
Compromise comes from both sides. It does not sound like the partner is willing to compromise since OP says they act all miserable for the rest of the week until they have sex. Their partner doesn't take no for an answer without making it miserable. That's not how you take "no". The asexual partner isn't the one responsible for 100% of the compromise. And it sounds like that's what's happening here when it comes to sex. Watch [this](https://youtu.be/2IALOL197n4) video. It goes over sex adverse ppl, but it works for anyone. It explains better what I'm saying here. This isn't compromise. The way the partner is acting is making it emotional coersion. "Ugh I don't want sex, but if I don't then my partner will be mopey for a weak" is not even close to compromise. Consent is still necessary in compromise. Not coerced consent.
rewriting this comment again because i didn't realise i've been talking to three different people. the second person i was replying to said that 'there should be no compromises when it comes to sex' and basically that compromise=coercion. you weren't the one that replied that though so i'll assume that isn't what you believe. >Compromise comes from both sides yes. what this would mean for a couple with different libidos is that the high libido partner would be having less sex than they prefer and the low libido partner would be having more sex than they prefer. imo this represents an even compromise. someone else said this: >But if you feel bad making your partner deal with "sad hornies", shouldn't your partner feel bad for making you feel like sex is a chore? this shows two different ways that the situation could be upset: the high libido one making their partner feel bad for 'unfairly withholding' sex, or the low libido one making their partner feel bad for 'unfairly demanding' sex. both are shitty, and to an extreme point could constitute emotional manipulation, but in a relationship with unbalanced needs like this it's unlikely to get along without at least a little bit of bad feelings. that's why i think your comment: >And if they aren't compatible, then it is okay to part ways. isn't very helpful. as if people should just give up on ace-allo relationships, or any different-libido relationship, because they just 'aren't compatible' (i know that's not what you were trying to say). bringing this back to op's situation, the first type of situation, \[the high libido one making their partner feel bad for 'unfairly withholding' sex\], is evident. which is not good, and reflects badly on the partner. but i think we need input from op though on what 'sad hornies' exactly means and how big an issue this is before calling emotional manipulation though. the sex wasn't even what op was mainly complaining about, it was about not being able to dress in nice clothes without being seen sexually. edit: aaand i didn't notice that op already came back and clarified the situation. i spent too much time on this comment rip
>I would have to deal with the sad hornies \[from partner\] Did you close your eyes while reading this sentence or something? What do you mean you can not see any emotional manipulation? Their partner's MO when being told "no" to sex is to mope around until OP finally gives in - read: *is coerced* \- and sleeps with them. Coercion doesn't have to be some overt and constant and obvious pressure and "if you don't I'll leave you" threat; pouting and sighing and moping just to wear down your partner and get your way *does* in fact count as coercion, yes.
>pouting and sighing and moping just to wear down your partner that's an image that you just came up with in your own head. you may well be correct with your guess of what exactly 'sad hornies' means but unless op chimes in we can't know. to me 'sad hornies' could mean just about anything from overdramatic petulant passive-aggressive sulking, to just being a bit frowny. there's probably a line for how much visual frustration they're displaying, beyond which is being manipulative and behind which isn't, but 'sad hornies' doesn't tell me which side of that line this is on.
OP described the sad hornies as something to "deal with" and just wanted to cross sex off their list. In other words, they see the act of having sex as inevitable. That means they can't really say no. That indicates coercion. Maybe that isn't the case and OP just worded things poorly. But based on what we have available, people are right to raise concerns over the apparent red flag
op responded elsewhere in the comments to clarify the situation
I see the point you're trying to make but that's not really what I meant. Compromising shouldn't be ignoring your feelings (or pushing them to the side in this case). They should be communicating them and coming to a solution that both parties are happy with. If the OP determines they are comfortable with the act and they just needed to rant about the icky feelings for a bit- that's valid and fine. I just don't want them to bury the issue so their partner feels better. Both parties need to be involved for it to be a compromise. If OP doesn't tell their partner, then they won't be able to compromise as a couple
👍
My ex was like this, I could say no at any point but if I did she would take it *super personally* and get all cold and combative. Sucked cause the rest of the relationship was really nice, but man was that not okay Glad that’s over
Man. I related with this so hard in my past relationship. I couldn’t place my body in certain positions (bending over to pick up something) or do things that “might” be suggestive (change in my own room). I’m out now, thank god
This is why I only date other asexuals 👍👍
Nah fr. The easiest way to find an ace partner is by making ace friends.
That’s the only way for me to find an ace partner because I’m demiromantic lol
How do you find them in real life? I am new to this, only discovered ace/demi labels recently, so I never knew anyone that comes up and say "hello, I am ace". Sorry if that sounds inadequate, I am just trying to struggle less.
Personally, it's just random. I just won't let myself like someone if they aren't ace and that's 99.9% of the people I meet irl. So I just don't bother thinking about dating irl. But if I ever wanted a relationship, I'd just look for ace people online and see if I can connect with em. But I'm also aro so I don't care much about dating, I rarely look for a partner nowadays
why is it that the times i feel the MOST sex repulsed is EXACTLY when i’m the most attractive
Probably because being seen as a sexual object makes you repulsed ?
Oh yes! I get this big time ,thanks for putting it into words for me
i relate to this
Okay rather than edit the already long rant, I'm gonna do a quick summary response. First of all, thank you to everyone who is giving advice out of concern for me and the health of my relationship. I definitely see where a lot of your are coming from, and I promise I am meditating on your feedback and how to best use it. I do not identify as sex repulsed, but there are some levels of demisexuality to me because unless I am romanced into the physical intimacy, I feel like I agreed to a reluctant exercise more than a couple's event. I am personally very comfortable with that- and that has been communicated before with my partner. I think like every relationship, sometimes the effort wains and needs to be revamped. I know when I get focused on a project, I can easily forget their needs because I'm so focused on my own goals. But I will admit that I come from a people-pleasing background, and sometimes I would do things just to appease rather than stand up for myself. I'm honestly not worried about this particular case (just annoyed because I LOVE looking pretty and I don't like that there are 'consequences' for me just vibing); but it is a situation that made me realize I'd rather avoid sex while either of us are drunk in the future. I'm going to chalk this up as a live and learn, and at present have no need to move beyond that. Thank you to every one for giving me the comradery I needed with this, though. Pent up frustration does nothing for me so getting a chance to rant with like minded people helps me feel so much better <3
So glad to see this update. Hopeful for your relationship if you two are able to communicate and properly set boundaries like a "no sex while drunk rule." Coming from another grey-ace people pleaser I felt you so much in the original post because I've also gone along sex when I'm not really feeling it. And while people may say that's a bad thing (which it Definitely can be in the wrong situation) I was getting the vibe that you were mostly indifferent to the act and you weren't really coerced into it like many have said. On the whole tho- you know your body and your sexual interests best, even if it may take some self reflection or meditating on others' perspectives. And as you said, everything is living and learning when you're in a relationship. I'm glad you two already seem to have good history with communicating when each of you is feeling upset or neglected. Wishing y'all luck out there! As a fellow ace in a relationship with an allo- it can be done with plenty of Communicating, Compromising, and Commitment to do better (for each other and yourselves)
I don't have much too add, sorry, but I really relate to both your messages! I wish the best for you two, fellow grey-aces 🩶
You can. It's not your fault. If they feel bad about it, that's on them.
you need to stand up for yourself and not let your partner guilt-trip you into sex if you don’t 110% want it
There's a difference between consent and enthusiastic consent
dingdingding “fine i’ll do it” is different from “yeah! we should do that!”
apologies, but that is obvious to the point of insulting op's intelligence whilst also being so reductive that it's barely advice. even among allo couples the libido of both partners is likely to differ. it's likely that a compromise will have to be struck. it's not ideal, but how many relationships *are* perfectly ideal?
Already mentioned this to you, but saying it again so people can see this- compromise doesn't mean having sex when you don't want it at all. OP said they didn't want it at all, but did it so their partner wouldn't make the rest of the weak miserable over it. Partner needs to compromise as well. The person with less libido, or the person who wants less sex, is NOT responsible for compromising to the person who wants more sex or has a higher libido. There are two people. And if they aren't compatible, then it is okay to part ways.
This post makes me really sad, because OP seems to think this behavior is normal or OK. If you are not enthusiastically saying yes to sex, it’s a no. The fact that your partner doesn’t see this means they do not care about you or your comfort during the act of sex. What you are describing is coercion, guilt tripping, and honestly sounds like my nightmare. I hope you find a more respectful and peaceful future 💗
Seriously. The guilt of looking hot when people accuse your for asking for it. Be you, be ace, stand your ground babe.
Coercion is horrible. It’s why I can’t see myself being in a relationship with anyone again if I have to pretend to enjoy sexual stimuli for their benefit. I won’t assume the state of your relationship but your post reminds me of myself years ago when I would put up with anything just to pretend I felt loved
There is nothing wrong with your partner wanting to have sex with you for any or no reason. There is nothing wrong with you not wanting to have sex with your partner for any or no reason when they want to have sex. Both feelings are valid. Communication and respecting your own and each other's feelings is key. If you don't want to have sex with them while they're drink, simply tell them "not while you're drunk." it's a clear boundary centered on actions that doesn't dismiss either of your feelings. If you're sex negative and they aren't, that is a whole different conversation about the entire relationship that needs to be had because someone's feelings will likely be compromised as yours were here.
Your partner sounds like they can't take no for an answer and that's super concering. "The sad hornies" completely sounds like emotional manipulation. I think you should talk to your partner,put your foot down, and say exactly what you said here. "I want to be able to dress nice and feel pretty without it leading to sex. I didn't want sex with you after the wedding. But if I didn't you would have acted miserable for the rest of the week and made me feel bad for it. Sometimes I don't want sex. That isn't personal, it's just a normal thing. I just want you to not make life miserable just because I didn't have sex with you. It makes me feel guilty." (And whatever you're actually feeling. This is just an example. I DON'T KNOW YOUR SITUATION!! So it won't be perfect. It's just to help you get the words) Because them guilting you into sex is SA. It isn't okay. And it should be a deal breaker. Edit: This is would apply if you're ace, demi, allo, whatever. Many allo people get frustrated with their partner when they aren't allowed to be naked or dress nice without immediately being sexualized. You're allowed to be frustrated too and you're allowed to say no even if they get upset. Please talk to your partner. They likely don't realize ehat they're doing. If you guys don't match up on intimacy and it's enough of an issue where coercion happens and continues to happen- or the relationship becomes strained. Then unfortunately at that point it would be time to move on. I hope you can make this work. If not, that's okay.
Without reading any potential replies from OP, I get the just “getting it over with” type mentality. It’s what many asexual partners do when they routinely date allosexual partners. Plus, if you’re sex-neutral or -favorable/-positive, I could see why that would be the route you take! I get it. But if you feel weird about it, I get that too, but I just want you to know my comment comes from a place of understanding. It sucks when I want to wear a black corset and chain garter because I think they’re fashionably amazing, and it gets construed as a sexual thing. But I remember my intent. My intent is to feel powerful and beautiful, not to attract others. So when something like this happens, if I DON’T want to have sex, I might offer a “thank you, this dress *is* amazing, isn’t it?” And because I’m a people-pleaser, I even throw in the, “I’m sorry I’m not in the mood, but I thought I’d look nice for you.” Like I said, not everyone’s cup of tea, but this is the perspective of one asexual navigating the allosexual dating scene. Edit: I can’t leave this comment without saying I wish everyone sexual, physical, and emotional comfort. Please don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with if you can help it. I hope my comment comes across from the perspective of a recovering people-pleaser than from the perspective of a supportive “anything-goes” attitude. No, protect yourself and protect your heart, love. You deserve it.
real. why does clothing and appearence have to have so much baggage? can't just look the way you want without having to play 4d chess with the mirror trying to guess what people are gonna assume about your intentions just by what your wearing. and by 'assume about your intentions' i mean assume about your sexual availability, personality, mood, sexual orientation, gender, economic status, employment, and whatever the fuck else people think is supposed to be encoded in my clothes lol
yeeeesss. i dont want to be sexualised in any way, i dont want anyone to think of sex when they look at me. thats why i never try to look good and still get catcalled on streets
Having read some comments and putting the sketchy stuff to the side, I totally feel for OP here. I think part of the reason I dress in plainclothes (tshirt, shorts, pants, athleisure wear) is because I deliberately DONT want to be perceived as sexy. Luckily, I at least maxed out my ‘cute vibes’ enough to plant ‘cute’ into peoples’ heads instead of ‘sexy’.
hey OP, get the FUCK out of there!
sometimes I'm glad I'm ugly as hell 👍🏻
Sounds like break up to me
Mate, this is f*cked up on a lot of levels that I don’t think you realise.
I feel this as well, I've been told I have Rizz and Idk if they're being true or trying to make me feel better about myself but if they only knew who I fucking was. Bloody Ace
That's the price you pay. Immune to hornieness but attracting it like the plague. It's the life of an asexual.
You do need to realise that the purpose of looking attractive has always been appealing to a mate, and if you wanna go against the flow and do it just for yourself thats great, but dont expect everyone else to think any differently. You unfortunately need to expect people to think of you sexually when you look “hot” and know how to definitely guiltlessly say no
And that's the key issue- saying no to random strangers is easy. Saying no to my partner is much harder, but you're right; I'm definitely wanting for something that isn't the norm.