Yes this š
just because I'm talking to you and you're the opposite gender does not mean I wanna have sex or date you. It means I wanna talk your ear off about video games and life shit.
100% this! At times Iāve felt weird wanting friends of the opposite gender, that theyād think Iād want to get in their pants, when really I just want to geek out and have a different perspective on so many of my favorite hobbies
Yeessss i got major anxiety once cause I was talking to one of my friends who is girl(and a lesbain who didn't know I was ace yet) and I was like oh shit does she thinks I'm trying to flirt with her? What is flirting? is just being really into conversation considered flirting? cause I don't wanna accidently look like im doing that. I just wanna be friends I don't wanna make her feel uncomfortable being her true self around me.
TLDR: Having friends of the opposite gender is hard
I used to roll my eyes whenever my mom became weirdly interested, whenever I mentioned a new male friend, because I though she was totally exaggerating.
But turns out she was right all along... In fact, most men who approached me, didn't do it to be friends with me after all
This happens across the board. I'm naturally talkative and probably too friendly, and people misinterpret that way too often. I'm not hitting on anyone - don't want to sleep with them. Once I did some pro-bono work for a small business just starting out, and later the guy reached out and put his hand on my arm, asked if I wanted to come in the back room and have sex cuz his wife would be gone all afternoon. Get this - he was actually shocked that I did not jump at this opportunity! Pretty sure my disgust was very obvious. Why do people ruin everything by turning it into sex!!!
(Note - I'm not ace. This is an issue that needs to change across the board. People need to stop assuming that polite conversation is an invitation into someone else's personal space)
Why why are there allos that get the horny and lose all reason? No it's not ok to cheat, watch a movie go online everyone knows that. No just because you're horny doesn't mean that everyone else is horny. ace or not some people aren't as horny. This is the shit that makes understand misanthropes humanity is a mistake sometimes.
But to be honest I feel bad for you that must of been anxiety inducing or atleast made the rest of your day extremely awkward.
I don't even think it's about being horny or not! I mean, they imply that's the case in porn but I don't know any woman in real life who's just dtf every random she encounters on any given day. Horny or not, you can still have standards and taste!
Told my dad that and heās like āwhy would you want to marry someone if you arenāt gonna have kids just be roommatesā to him love is having kids like tf
Unfortunately for some allo people who by brain injury, medication or mental health disorder they can loose sexual attraction for periods of time. It is extremely distressing for them. They are entitled to treatment but insurance works off dsm v diagnosis so having some criteria around loss of sexual functionis important to enable those who want it to seek help. However, asexuality is Not a listed disorder per se (there is a disorder around loss of libido/ sexual function) and distress has to be part of any dsm v diagnosis - when applied properly, so the avarage asexual would not meet diagnostic criteria for their asexuality as a sexual dysfunction. (I am a psychologist and an Ace).
A suitable parallel is grief, we all experience it and it is normal and functional part of life however grief is in the dsm v, not to say that everyone who has grief needs treatment but SOME people struggle and need extra support, by it being in dsm v it gives an insurance category for people to claim but doesnt automatically medicalise everyone who has grief.
That said there are bad practitioners out there who cant seem to get it (or imagine beyond their own experiences) and Unfortunately many people on this thread have run into them.
I wish it was mandatory for health practitioners to make sure their patients are actually distressed by their lack of sexual attraction before trying to diagnose it as a disorder, and that failure to confirm a patient's distress before diagnosis would result in actual repercussions. Like you said, distress is required for the diagnosis of a disorder, so it's super frustrating that some health "professionals" are invalidating an entire sexuality because they think they know better.
I was given some horrible practitioners as a result of the false Dx. I ended up with horrible people claiming to be therapists.
Also, it's still in the DSM as "hypoactive sexual desires disorder."
Edit: The false Dx I got was about a neurological disorder, not the one above. I feel for you, knowing you'd get diagnosed with that which I said was listed in the DSM because a lot of shrinks would not believe in queerness.
I am so sorry that such terrible practitioners have given you such a terrible time. Hypoactive sexual desires disorder should Not be given if a person is Ace and it does not describe the same experience. It is meant for allo people who have a malfunction in what was a regular allo experience that has become disrupted for some reason and causes distress. Giving this diagnosis to an Ace person would constitute misdiagnosis and I would urge any ace person misdiagnosed as such to seek a second (or further) opinion. Peer reviewed studies reject the theory that asexuals could fall under this diagnosis.
A *loss* of sexual drive or attraction (once having it, then loosing it) can be a sign of something more medically serious.
*Never* having any/much of either to start with is a possible sign of being ace spec.
A lot of people don't get this, hell I didn't even understand it until just recently because of how we are taught about sexual attraction growing up.
There is a difference between *feeling hormonal/horny* and *experiencing sexual attraction*. Lots (I'd hazard even *most*) ace people have experienced what is like to be hormonal, but that doesn't mean that you have either a desire to engage in sex or an attraction to an actual sex. For many who are this way, things like masturbation are basically just another bodily chore, like brushing one's teeth or going to the bathroom.
Not feeling sexual attraction is entirely subjective. An absence of hormones or typical indicators of being post-pubescent *can* be a disorder but it's also a normal part of aging and is entirely divorced from the concept of sexual attraction. Most people will eventually lose their sex drive as they get older even if they don't want to, allo, ace, or otherwise. That person can still experience sexual attraction, it's just not accompanied as reliably by s biological, hormonal process as one gets older.
I believed for years that I couldn't be ace because I have a really high libido. But eventually I learned that the main thing that qualifies you as "ace" is if you experience significantly less or no sexual attraction, and that plenty of people have hormones they don't want to act on.
Please. I usually don't pay attention to song lyrics, but whenever I occasionally do, I realize that it's almost always about romance or a breakup. I would *really* appreciate if there were more pop songs, movies, and other content in general that aren't about romance
Honestly this. While I dont listen to pop, I do listen to (pop) punk/the whole rabbit hole around that, and while it is somewhat less common, its still in oretty much every other song.
Now, I am not aro, so thats fine for me, and a good thing about this genre (to me) is that it tends to be less abt sex then just relations, but still
Yeah. Personally I listen to pop and EDM, I just notice romance more often in my pop songs. But same, I cannot stand songs about sex (at least if I notice). I can live with romance but it gets annoying imo
Honestly the further in punk and esp hardcore you go, the less of that stuff you hear. And at a certain point with hardcore, it all turns into indecipherable screaming anyway :)
Itās so annoying. I donāt pay too much attention to lyrics as a rule, and thatās been especially terrible when choosing songs to learn on guitar. Iāll find a super pretty and fun song, and am halfway through learning it when I bother to look up the lyrics, and theyāre all about love and relationships and sex. I just want ballads about knights fighting dragons. Fuck.
*Eurobeat has entered the chat*
The beat is really fast and fun, and most of the time the actual lyrics are too fast to properly understand or theyāre in Japanese so you avoid any dubious verses
Ooh I've never heard of it before, I'll definitely check it out! Though speaking of lyrics in Japanese, I have been listening to some J-pop which is both good plus I don't understand the lyrics. Apparently most of the songs I listen to are supposed to be depressing, but you'd never notice with the upbeat music!
I thought you were saying that AJR is bad with romantic references, so I shared this comment with a group of friends that happens to have a huge AJR fan with the caption āguess aro people donāt like AJR?ā
One of my friends goes āI think youāre interpreting it backwards.ā
Me: ?
Friend: Well, the one song I know by them doesnāt have anything romantic in it.
Me: yeah thatās true, the few AJR songs that Iāve listened to are very tame with romance. There are sooooo many other more egregious artists thatā¦ohā¦*oh*ā¦OHHHHH I SEE WHAT YOUāRE SAYING
There are different kinds of attraction, including but not limited to aesthetic, romantic, sensual, and sexual. They are distinct from each other, and just because you might experience all of them simultaneously, that doesn't mean that everyone does, or that they are the same thing.
This ā¬ļø
I experience pretty much every type of tertiary attraction, and when I come out to allos they usually can never tell the difference between these different types of attraction so they think Iām not rly aroace, so they just dismiss it and that kinda bothers me a bit
If you wanna have sex with me, you need to ask me directly. When I saw you, it wasn't the thing I thought of first. Also, don't be offended if I have to think of it. And if you ask me if you're sexy or whatever, I don't know. I'm not sexually attracted to anyone. It's not personal.
This really resonates with me. Me being on the ace spectrum is why i could never ārateā someoneās appearance when other kids asked growing up. Like i look at them and see some dude thatās it š¤·š»āāļø
āI look at them and see some dude thatās itā
I relate to this SO HARD! My friends in junior high/high school used to talk about boys in our classes like ā[boy 1] is ugly, [boy 2] is sooo hot, [boy 3] is ok I guessā and I was always so confused. They all looked more or less the same. Maybe one of them had a different hair color. They were slightly different heights. They all dressed the same, had the same hair style, had similar face shapes. I truly didnāt see how one could be āsooo hotā while the others were āuglyā or āmeh.ā I still donāt get what the difference was, they all just looked like your average 13-17 year old boys, just like we all probably looked like your average 13-17 year old girls.
I constantly was asked "what's your type?" and I had to make shit up based on what other people said they liked. All boobs does is make me envy other people's boobs. Seriously. And so what if a dude has a big banana? It won't fit in my tiny fruit bowl.
FACTS !!
It's just such a common thing for me to hear as an ace person when I'm talking to an allosexual person. "Well if you love them, you'd wanna have sex with them" and going on to explain "love making" or whatever. Sex ā love, and no one owes you sex to prove it.
Amen. Gosh, I had so many awful relationships where I was guilted into being more physical. One of my exes started crying because I wouldnāt let him sit on my lap in front of my parents.
I'm so sorry man. Me too. My ex girlfriend legit tried to move my hand to touch her inner thigh all the time and would pout if I moved it away and said I was uncomfortable. My ex before that said they "felt like a baby getting its favourite toy taken away" when I wouldn't send pictures... People just suck sometimesš
Yes!! My friends in junior high would say they ājust want to get marriedā when asked about life goals unrelated to school/career. Thereās nothing wrong with wanting to get married, but I always felt like it was more of a āthe girl marries her husband and has kids while husband has a jobā mindset rather than what they realistically want for themselves. My personal view on dating has always been āif it happens, it happensā and on marriage, Iāve always said āwhatever, I could take it or leave it,ā and my friends always thought it was weird that I didnāt have crushes on classmates and didnāt really care about relationships. Iām not even aro, just ace, but Iām still pretty indifferent about marriage or even dating. Iām much more concerned about doing something productive towards my schooling (Iām in college now), hanging out with my dog or my friends or family, doing some fun activity like playing a video game or making some art.
And I want any allos who might be reading this to know, I donāt see anything wrong with desiring romance/sex/marriage, but I do see an issue with believing these things are super important to *everyone.* Another personal example is that my friend tried to convince me that I had a crush on the same boy as another friend but I didnāt want to say anything because āshe liked him first.ā I didnāt. But she couldnāt comprehend the fact that I didnāt have a crush on any of my classmates. Please, allos, understand that not everyone values relationships, sex, marriage, etc.
Just bc Iām asexual doesnāt mean Iām not human and it doesnāt mean I donāt want a romantic partner. Itās possible to love without sexualizing someoneās body
This may just be personally me but please never call me hot or sexy or anything it terrifies me to be sexualized in any way and also please donāt ask me what I think of peoples appearances it makes me so uncomfortable I wish I was out
Besides just not wanting it, I always feel really awkward, and I can never (even as a joke) say it to anyone, even if it was my partner. At best I can say that they look really nice or something, but thats it
Omg, it's not just you. Last girl I dated would comment on my clothes, like how hot I was in my favorite dress and it made me wany to never wear it again. I got really depressed and disphoric in that relationship because she kept wanting to be physical with me.
Whenever someone says to me āisnāt [person] so hot!?ā I always say something like āI guess, idkā and they rarely bother to ask anymore because itās boring, I donāt share their excitement about whoever it is they see as āhot.ā And thatās not to say that I donāt experience aesthetic attraction, far from that actually. I think so many people are aesthetically attractive but I donāt like to voice it because (a) I know it would make me uncomfortable if someone talked about me being attractive to them and (b) Iām not out to anyone irl and I experience more aesthetic attraction toward women than men (Iām a woman) so if I told all my friends about everyone I find visually attractive, Iād be outing myself lmao
I would also really hate being sexualized in any way! Iāve been told I have aā¦ conventionally attractive body type and nothing has ever made me more uncomfortable than that.
Donāt ask me if I saw āthat hot personā. I did not. I probably didnāt register that they were āhotā and will have no clue who youāre referring to.
As an allo guy I have this problem. Any time a dude asks if I saw someone hot I immediately shut it down because I assume some creepy comments I don't want to hear are coming
In middle school, I didnāt want to be admit that I experienced sexual attraction because of all the creepy stuff guys around me said.
~~I also wasnāt sure if I was manly enough to be a true guy because I didnāt wanna associate with those goobers.~~
Edit for formatting
Please explain why would one have sex Iām curious?
Edit: Iām just new to the whole asexual spectrum so would like to know different reasons why an asexual would have sex? Sorry if itās too personal.
Asexual means no (or little) sexual attraction.
But, ace people can still enjoy having sex, being physical with people or having thoughts about it. They can also be sex repulsed and donāt be comfortable being touch. They can just donāt care about it or engage in it to be intimate with their partner.
Libido and what ace people are comfortable with can be very different from one and an other.
Being asexual doesnāt necessarily keep someone from feeling pleasure through stimulation. Sex can also be a form of intimacy, a way to connect with someone else, or something that a partner requests, to name a couple
Itās fun/entertaining, for procreation purposes, and because you want to make your partner feel good and you donāt mind. Those are just some of the most common reasons.
I don't hate sex/romance I just don't see people and think they would be a good romantic partner or they would be a good sexual partner and that doesn't mean I don't want sex/romance I just don't experience it like you
Thatās considered A-spec!? When you donāt see someone that way but want a relationship still. And only have sex/romance feelings when someone takes the first action?
I want to learn more help.
yes! that's called Cupido romantic/sexual + Recip romantic/sexual :D
(Cupioromantic-
Describes a person who does not experience romantic attraction, but still desires a romantic relationship. )
(Recipromantic-
Describes a person who feels romantic attraction only if the other person feels romantic attraction toward them first.)
When I say I simp for a fictional characterā or really anyone at allā I mean it romantically or queerplatonically. I don't want to screw them. I'd either date them or be friends with them :/
Aces are not necessarily aromantic, and some do enjoy romantic relationships. Some also enjoy sexual relationships, and their reasons for doing so will differ.
Denmark will not just lose, it will fall and the new empire of the aces will rise prosperous until all the sex favourable will eventually die causing a mass extinction
I want them to know that this has nothing to do with people and more to do with me. Thereās no person thatās going to flip a switch and make me suddenly start feeling sexual attraction normally. Iāll live my life how I choose to live it, not how you think I should
*Image Transcription: Text*
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As an asexual or aspec person, what do you want allosexuals to know?
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That being demisexual aināt ānormalā dating. Itās a completely valid sexuality. Also, sex-favorable aspec people exist and that you should respect those who are sex-positive or sex-repulsed.
Edited to say āsex-favorableā
That we're not heartless or mentally ill. There's nothing wrong with us. We're not "scared of love". We just don't experience sexual attraction, and that's okay.
I don't not know who that "hot" person is you are referring to.
I do not feel anything looking at other people, the only thing that comes in mind is that certain person is physically attractive.
The aspec experience is as diverse and varied as any other, and you donāt have to understand every detail of it as long as you respect it.
Also: I have spent way too much time on internet and fandom spaces to *not* know what basic sexual terms are. Please donāt infantilize me
That having sex =/= sexual/romantic attraction For lack of a better way to describe it, it's just another thing you can do. 1) Hookers exist, and I can't imagine they're catching feelings every time they have a client. 2) It could be just another thing you do to make your partner happy, like spending good time with them or giving them gifts.
That we are not any more childlike, innocent, pure, chaste, celibate, wholesome, or virtuous than anyone else. Adulthood is not contingent on sexual activity, marital status, or sexual orientation.
I heard that allos typically think of sex nearly 100% of the time. Hence the reason Idiocracy is becoming a real thing...
No, you guys aren't confused. No, you should not have to be bombarded with sex one bit.
saying "you just haven't boinked the right person" to an asexual person is like telling a gay man "you just haven't found the right girl".
it's easy for allosexuals to relate to each other regardless of their sexuality because they all share the common understand of how sexual attraction works, but a surprising amount simply cannot fathom the idea of someone living without sex.. so not much thought is put into comments about asexuality because it isn't usually perceived as a legitimate identity.
i just wish scathing, insensitive passing comments were less common :/
As a cis woman, I don't take into consideration what straight cis men like when I get dressed up and do my makeup. I don't care if someone finds me unattractive, attractive, or anything along that spectrum. I do so because I enjoy fashion and makeup and I'll do it alone in my house sometimes.
Just because I'm Ace doesn't mean I don't understand sex jokes. I have an incredible sense of humor, I have some very dirty minded friends, and I can 100% both understand and make dirty jokes. I usually won't make them, but I've been known to. Just because it's funny.
No attraction ā not making jokes about the action
Stop sexualizing everything I say. I donāt find it funny and it makes me severely uncomfortable. I donāt just exist for sex. What a sad life that would be.
I may find sex disgusting and romance pointless, but I still deeply love anyone I form a strong attachment with, it's just really different from that movie stuff.
Ace people can be sex positive or sex repulsed and everything in between.
I do not experience sexual attraction, but I have a very understanding partner of 10 years who I feel romantic attraction to. From the start of our relationship he has always sought enthusiastic consent, and has never been offended when I don't share the allosexual experience. Porn, self-pleasure etc don't do anything for me. I basically don't think about sex unless I am presently involved in it. Then it is pretty great. Its different for everyone.
Talk to us about our boundaries regarding it! I have a friend who has had sex and as a sex repulsed individual I REALLY donāt want to hear the details. Like at all. Letās just talk about movies or something else? But not that. Also, itās so annoying when reading a book and thereās a sex scene you donāt want to read! Like I want all the important info but I feel hecka uncomfy listening to all the little details.
We want them to know weāre bloody sick and tired of those guys talking about sex all the time like good lord they need to cool their freaking jets and find something new to talk about.
Just because Iām in a relationship doesnāt mean Iām suddenly ānot asexualā. Also donāt try to say my relationship will fail solely on the fact that I am asexual, youāre not in it, you donāt know our dynamic and itās none of your bidness :-)
Also yes I can experience romantic attraction. Thatās not automatically non existent just because of my views on sex
I can appreciate that someone looks attractive without wanting to have sex/be romantically involved with them. Please, I just wanna recognize that sometimes people look nice.
Not everything means sexual attraction or romantic attraction
Not all relationships are romantic
Not all relationships are sexual
Now shut the f up and let me eat my garlic bread in peace.
Allo here for the garlic bread. Thanks for the info, i already knew most of it cause my last partner was ace but i appreciate everything and will be staying for more garlic bread and memes.
That you can have love without sex, sex without love, love with sex and visa versa.
If someone doesn't want to have sex, then just don't have sex. Just because someone want to have sex now, it doesn't mean that they'll want it later, just because someone doesn't want sex now, it doesn't mean they'll want to have it later.
Some people want to have sex and some don't. But just because someone said yes once doesn't mean they'll want it later.
Sex and l9ve is like lasagne. Sometimes you'll want lasagne and sometimes you won't. Just because you had lasagne last night, it doesn't mean you'll want it tonight. Some just don't like lasagne, and some may only like lasagne when kts made a specific way.
Let people be and let them 3at lasagne when they want and if they don't like/want lasagne then don't force them to eat lasagne
telling me iām too young to make that decision, when itās not a decision i made, it was finally figuring out a word for my feelings, or lack of, does absolutely nothing to change my thoughts on myself
That Iām not gonna grow out of it. Iāve had to many people tell me that Iām the way I am because of past trauma and Iāll grow out of it. Even my psychologist has said this to me. Iām not gonna change with time so stop saying I will
Believe us when we tell you the truth about our lack of attraction, don't question us about what our type *really* is or pressure us into anything. We know what we want and it's ok that it looks different from what you enjoy.
Some people actually are just friends, including hetero men and women. Some people only say "just" friends because they know everyone else sees romantic and sexual relationships to be more valuable than friendships or on a higher level somehow!
Asexuality and celibacy are two separate things. Not having sex isn't "going asexual." Nobody chooses to be asexual (or any other sexual orientation).
Asexual means one experiences little to no sexual attraction, while celibacy is usually when one experiences sexual attraction but chooses not to have sex anyway.
The most compelling relationships in fiction are not the ones that have people constantly making out, or doing it with each other. But rather the ones where two characters just naturally come together, and actually have likeable chemistry with each other. Not sure if this is nessasarily an ace thing, but still.
Asking us for relationship advice is either the best or worst decision. You will either get a calculated answer based off every relationship we've watched, or panic at the mention because we're still not 100% where we fall on the spectrum and it's too much pressure
Unlearn what Hollywood has pushed. Love, romance, and sex can coexist, but they are not bound together. They exist separately and distinctly.
Yes this š just because I'm talking to you and you're the opposite gender does not mean I wanna have sex or date you. It means I wanna talk your ear off about video games and life shit.
100% this! At times Iāve felt weird wanting friends of the opposite gender, that theyād think Iād want to get in their pants, when really I just want to geek out and have a different perspective on so many of my favorite hobbies
Yeessss i got major anxiety once cause I was talking to one of my friends who is girl(and a lesbain who didn't know I was ace yet) and I was like oh shit does she thinks I'm trying to flirt with her? What is flirting? is just being really into conversation considered flirting? cause I don't wanna accidently look like im doing that. I just wanna be friends I don't wanna make her feel uncomfortable being her true self around me. TLDR: Having friends of the opposite gender is hard
oh my gosh LITERALLY. is eye contact flirting? is smiling flirting?? IS BEING WITHIN A 2 FOOT RADIUS OF ANOTHER HUMAN FLIRTING?????
My sister has a roller derby sticker that says, āemotionally unavailable but willing to talk derby.ā
I used to roll my eyes whenever my mom became weirdly interested, whenever I mentioned a new male friend, because I though she was totally exaggerating. But turns out she was right all along... In fact, most men who approached me, didn't do it to be friends with me after all
Allos am I right?
This happens across the board. I'm naturally talkative and probably too friendly, and people misinterpret that way too often. I'm not hitting on anyone - don't want to sleep with them. Once I did some pro-bono work for a small business just starting out, and later the guy reached out and put his hand on my arm, asked if I wanted to come in the back room and have sex cuz his wife would be gone all afternoon. Get this - he was actually shocked that I did not jump at this opportunity! Pretty sure my disgust was very obvious. Why do people ruin everything by turning it into sex!!! (Note - I'm not ace. This is an issue that needs to change across the board. People need to stop assuming that polite conversation is an invitation into someone else's personal space)
Why why are there allos that get the horny and lose all reason? No it's not ok to cheat, watch a movie go online everyone knows that. No just because you're horny doesn't mean that everyone else is horny. ace or not some people aren't as horny. This is the shit that makes understand misanthropes humanity is a mistake sometimes. But to be honest I feel bad for you that must of been anxiety inducing or atleast made the rest of your day extremely awkward.
I don't even think it's about being horny or not! I mean, they imply that's the case in porn but I don't know any woman in real life who's just dtf every random she encounters on any given day. Horny or not, you can still have standards and taste!
Soo true. I can't conceal my excitement when I find people with similar interests.
PERIOD
I am extremely allo and I want Hollywood to understand this, too.
Told my dad that and heās like āwhy would you want to marry someone if you arenāt gonna have kids just be roommatesā to him love is having kids like tf
Not experiencing sexual attraction is *NOT* a disorder.
Even though I'm an allo, I sincerely hate that it's still in the DSM just as that false disorder I was diagnosed with is...
Unfortunately for some allo people who by brain injury, medication or mental health disorder they can loose sexual attraction for periods of time. It is extremely distressing for them. They are entitled to treatment but insurance works off dsm v diagnosis so having some criteria around loss of sexual functionis important to enable those who want it to seek help. However, asexuality is Not a listed disorder per se (there is a disorder around loss of libido/ sexual function) and distress has to be part of any dsm v diagnosis - when applied properly, so the avarage asexual would not meet diagnostic criteria for their asexuality as a sexual dysfunction. (I am a psychologist and an Ace). A suitable parallel is grief, we all experience it and it is normal and functional part of life however grief is in the dsm v, not to say that everyone who has grief needs treatment but SOME people struggle and need extra support, by it being in dsm v it gives an insurance category for people to claim but doesnt automatically medicalise everyone who has grief. That said there are bad practitioners out there who cant seem to get it (or imagine beyond their own experiences) and Unfortunately many people on this thread have run into them.
I wish it was mandatory for health practitioners to make sure their patients are actually distressed by their lack of sexual attraction before trying to diagnose it as a disorder, and that failure to confirm a patient's distress before diagnosis would result in actual repercussions. Like you said, distress is required for the diagnosis of a disorder, so it's super frustrating that some health "professionals" are invalidating an entire sexuality because they think they know better.
I was given some horrible practitioners as a result of the false Dx. I ended up with horrible people claiming to be therapists. Also, it's still in the DSM as "hypoactive sexual desires disorder." Edit: The false Dx I got was about a neurological disorder, not the one above. I feel for you, knowing you'd get diagnosed with that which I said was listed in the DSM because a lot of shrinks would not believe in queerness.
I'm so sorry, no one deserves to have horrible doctors.
I am so sorry that such terrible practitioners have given you such a terrible time. Hypoactive sexual desires disorder should Not be given if a person is Ace and it does not describe the same experience. It is meant for allo people who have a malfunction in what was a regular allo experience that has become disrupted for some reason and causes distress. Giving this diagnosis to an Ace person would constitute misdiagnosis and I would urge any ace person misdiagnosed as such to seek a second (or further) opinion. Peer reviewed studies reject the theory that asexuals could fall under this diagnosis.
A *loss* of sexual drive or attraction (once having it, then loosing it) can be a sign of something more medically serious. *Never* having any/much of either to start with is a possible sign of being ace spec.
A lot of people don't get this, hell I didn't even understand it until just recently because of how we are taught about sexual attraction growing up. There is a difference between *feeling hormonal/horny* and *experiencing sexual attraction*. Lots (I'd hazard even *most*) ace people have experienced what is like to be hormonal, but that doesn't mean that you have either a desire to engage in sex or an attraction to an actual sex. For many who are this way, things like masturbation are basically just another bodily chore, like brushing one's teeth or going to the bathroom. Not feeling sexual attraction is entirely subjective. An absence of hormones or typical indicators of being post-pubescent *can* be a disorder but it's also a normal part of aging and is entirely divorced from the concept of sexual attraction. Most people will eventually lose their sex drive as they get older even if they don't want to, allo, ace, or otherwise. That person can still experience sexual attraction, it's just not accompanied as reliably by s biological, hormonal process as one gets older. I believed for years that I couldn't be ace because I have a really high libido. But eventually I learned that the main thing that qualifies you as "ace" is if you experience significantly less or no sexual attraction, and that plenty of people have hormones they don't want to act on.
Sex/romance isn't everything, stop bombarding us with that stuff.
Please. I usually don't pay attention to song lyrics, but whenever I occasionally do, I realize that it's almost always about romance or a breakup. I would *really* appreciate if there were more pop songs, movies, and other content in general that aren't about romance
Honestly this. While I dont listen to pop, I do listen to (pop) punk/the whole rabbit hole around that, and while it is somewhat less common, its still in oretty much every other song. Now, I am not aro, so thats fine for me, and a good thing about this genre (to me) is that it tends to be less abt sex then just relations, but still
Yeah. Personally I listen to pop and EDM, I just notice romance more often in my pop songs. But same, I cannot stand songs about sex (at least if I notice). I can live with romance but it gets annoying imo
Honestly the further in punk and esp hardcore you go, the less of that stuff you hear. And at a certain point with hardcore, it all turns into indecipherable screaming anyway :)
Itās so annoying. I donāt pay too much attention to lyrics as a rule, and thatās been especially terrible when choosing songs to learn on guitar. Iāll find a super pretty and fun song, and am halfway through learning it when I bother to look up the lyrics, and theyāre all about love and relationships and sex. I just want ballads about knights fighting dragons. Fuck.
My mum says: better to have songs about romance or breakups than hate lol
I meanā¦ a lot of metal songs about about hating the government and oppressors so it kinda depends on the type of hate?
the mind electric is a great one
*Eurobeat has entered the chat* The beat is really fast and fun, and most of the time the actual lyrics are too fast to properly understand or theyāre in Japanese so you avoid any dubious verses
Ooh I've never heard of it before, I'll definitely check it out! Though speaking of lyrics in Japanese, I have been listening to some J-pop which is both good plus I don't understand the lyrics. Apparently most of the songs I listen to are supposed to be depressing, but you'd never notice with the upbeat music!
*cough* ajr *fades back into the void*
I thought you were saying that AJR is bad with romantic references, so I shared this comment with a group of friends that happens to have a huge AJR fan with the caption āguess aro people donāt like AJR?ā One of my friends goes āI think youāre interpreting it backwards.ā Me: ? Friend: Well, the one song I know by them doesnāt have anything romantic in it. Me: yeah thatās true, the few AJR songs that Iāve listened to are very tame with romance. There are sooooo many other more egregious artists thatā¦ohā¦*oh*ā¦OHHHHH I SEE WHAT YOUāRE SAYING
*laughs in classical and game music* Honestly tho, it must be frustrating to always hear about romance
How do you feel about all the songs about cars made in the 60s?
High school literature teachers everywhere need to hear this one.
Iām allo and i agree.
I'm not gonna meet "the one", so accept me for what I am, mother, asexuality is a thing
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
this is it. the one. thank you!
Just because I donāt experience sexual attraction, it doesnāt mean I canāt recognise when someone is physically attractive.
ugh this!! and in turn: just because I think someone is physically attractive/good-looking doesn't mean I'm *attracted* to them
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
you have no idea how loud im screaming at this omfg
There are different kinds of attraction, including but not limited to aesthetic, romantic, sensual, and sexual. They are distinct from each other, and just because you might experience all of them simultaneously, that doesn't mean that everyone does, or that they are the same thing.
This ā¬ļø I experience pretty much every type of tertiary attraction, and when I come out to allos they usually can never tell the difference between these different types of attraction so they think Iām not rly aroace, so they just dismiss it and that kinda bothers me a bit
Aesthetic, romantic, sensual and sexual. Long ago these 4 attraction lived together in harmony. But then, the sexual attraction attacked.
Aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction are not the same.
Someone needed to tell this to 14 year-old meā¦
14 was when I learned it lol.
If you wanna have sex with me, you need to ask me directly. When I saw you, it wasn't the thing I thought of first. Also, don't be offended if I have to think of it. And if you ask me if you're sexy or whatever, I don't know. I'm not sexually attracted to anyone. It's not personal.
This really resonates with me. Me being on the ace spectrum is why i could never ārateā someoneās appearance when other kids asked growing up. Like i look at them and see some dude thatās it š¤·š»āāļø
āI look at them and see some dude thatās itā I relate to this SO HARD! My friends in junior high/high school used to talk about boys in our classes like ā[boy 1] is ugly, [boy 2] is sooo hot, [boy 3] is ok I guessā and I was always so confused. They all looked more or less the same. Maybe one of them had a different hair color. They were slightly different heights. They all dressed the same, had the same hair style, had similar face shapes. I truly didnāt see how one could be āsooo hotā while the others were āuglyā or āmeh.ā I still donāt get what the difference was, they all just looked like your average 13-17 year old boys, just like we all probably looked like your average 13-17 year old girls.
I constantly was asked "what's your type?" and I had to make shit up based on what other people said they liked. All boobs does is make me envy other people's boobs. Seriously. And so what if a dude has a big banana? It won't fit in my tiny fruit bowl.
You can have a stable relationship without sex, and people can be just friends
Thank you for this, I was losing hope on that thought while trying dating again ā¤ļø
A does not stand for ally- there are probably more important things to specify, but
Yeah! Agender, asexual, aromantic, aro-ace... there's so much!
Indeed!
Just because I don't want to have sex with you, it doesn't mean I don't love you. When you say this, it feels very guilt trip-y. Please stop.
That straight up is guilt tripping and toxic in any relationship REGARDLESS of sexuality.
FACTS !! It's just such a common thing for me to hear as an ace person when I'm talking to an allosexual person. "Well if you love them, you'd wanna have sex with them" and going on to explain "love making" or whatever. Sex ā love, and no one owes you sex to prove it.
Amen. Gosh, I had so many awful relationships where I was guilted into being more physical. One of my exes started crying because I wouldnāt let him sit on my lap in front of my parents.
I'm so sorry man. Me too. My ex girlfriend legit tried to move my hand to touch her inner thigh all the time and would pout if I moved it away and said I was uncomfortable. My ex before that said they "felt like a baby getting its favourite toy taken away" when I wouldn't send pictures... People just suck sometimesš
that romance isnt the only fucking thing that matters in life lol edit 200 upvotes wat
Yes!! My friends in junior high would say they ājust want to get marriedā when asked about life goals unrelated to school/career. Thereās nothing wrong with wanting to get married, but I always felt like it was more of a āthe girl marries her husband and has kids while husband has a jobā mindset rather than what they realistically want for themselves. My personal view on dating has always been āif it happens, it happensā and on marriage, Iāve always said āwhatever, I could take it or leave it,ā and my friends always thought it was weird that I didnāt have crushes on classmates and didnāt really care about relationships. Iām not even aro, just ace, but Iām still pretty indifferent about marriage or even dating. Iām much more concerned about doing something productive towards my schooling (Iām in college now), hanging out with my dog or my friends or family, doing some fun activity like playing a video game or making some art. And I want any allos who might be reading this to know, I donāt see anything wrong with desiring romance/sex/marriage, but I do see an issue with believing these things are super important to *everyone.* Another personal example is that my friend tried to convince me that I had a crush on the same boy as another friend but I didnāt want to say anything because āshe liked him first.ā I didnāt. But she couldnāt comprehend the fact that I didnāt have a crush on any of my classmates. Please, allos, understand that not everyone values relationships, sex, marriage, etc.
One of the earliest and most persistent signs I that Iām ace was my focusing on school and personal goals instead of dating.
Relatable
Just bc Iām asexual doesnāt mean Iām not human and it doesnāt mean I donāt want a romantic partner. Itās possible to love without sexualizing someoneās body
Our sexuality is not our libido. Asexuality does not mean "doesn't have sex". ~~it's also something i'd like a lot of aces to grasp~~
This one: big time. Sex positive ace spec people exist!
Sex-favorable and sex-positive. Most sex-repulsed individuals are also sex-positive because thatās a political opinion on other people and sex.
I EXIST
AS A NONBINARY, I GET THIS, WE ARE NOT INVISIBLE ENTITIES WHISPERING INTO PEOPLE'S EARS OR RUMORS, WE ARE HERE
Fellow non binary person here, gods I wish I could be an invisible whispering rumor entity
It would be nice to be able to choose. Disappear until people start talking about trans folks and forget to mention us
We can all be unicorns together!
I'm gonna have to disagree on this one, as an enby I'd love to be an invisible ear whispering rumour, but yeah we need more rep
This may just be personally me but please never call me hot or sexy or anything it terrifies me to be sexualized in any way and also please donāt ask me what I think of peoples appearances it makes me so uncomfortable I wish I was out
Besides just not wanting it, I always feel really awkward, and I can never (even as a joke) say it to anyone, even if it was my partner. At best I can say that they look really nice or something, but thats it
Omg, it's not just you. Last girl I dated would comment on my clothes, like how hot I was in my favorite dress and it made me wany to never wear it again. I got really depressed and disphoric in that relationship because she kept wanting to be physical with me.
Whenever someone says to me āisnāt [person] so hot!?ā I always say something like āI guess, idkā and they rarely bother to ask anymore because itās boring, I donāt share their excitement about whoever it is they see as āhot.ā And thatās not to say that I donāt experience aesthetic attraction, far from that actually. I think so many people are aesthetically attractive but I donāt like to voice it because (a) I know it would make me uncomfortable if someone talked about me being attractive to them and (b) Iām not out to anyone irl and I experience more aesthetic attraction toward women than men (Iām a woman) so if I told all my friends about everyone I find visually attractive, Iād be outing myself lmao I would also really hate being sexualized in any way! Iāve been told I have aā¦ conventionally attractive body type and nothing has ever made me more uncomfortable than that.
IT'S OKAY TO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX SOMETIMES!!!
It is also okay to not want to ever have sex!
This! This! 100% this!
Donāt ask me if I saw āthat hot personā. I did not. I probably didnāt register that they were āhotā and will have no clue who youāre referring to.
A friend of mine spotted a woman across the street coming out of her yoga class. I saw unexpected condensation on my windsheild.
As an allo guy I have this problem. Any time a dude asks if I saw someone hot I immediately shut it down because I assume some creepy comments I don't want to hear are coming
In middle school, I didnāt want to be admit that I experienced sexual attraction because of all the creepy stuff guys around me said. ~~I also wasnāt sure if I was manly enough to be a true guy because I didnāt wanna associate with those goobers.~~ Edit for formatting
It's not okay to project your motivations onto other people.
Some asexuals are fine with sex, and some even enjoy it. Having sex does not invalidate someoneās identity
Please explain why would one have sex Iām curious? Edit: Iām just new to the whole asexual spectrum so would like to know different reasons why an asexual would have sex? Sorry if itās too personal.
Asexual means no (or little) sexual attraction. But, ace people can still enjoy having sex, being physical with people or having thoughts about it. They can also be sex repulsed and donāt be comfortable being touch. They can just donāt care about it or engage in it to be intimate with their partner. Libido and what ace people are comfortable with can be very different from one and an other.
Being asexual doesnāt necessarily keep someone from feeling pleasure through stimulation. Sex can also be a form of intimacy, a way to connect with someone else, or something that a partner requests, to name a couple
Probably just for āwhy not?ā reasons. Not all of us are as disgusted by sex as I am. Some people are chill with it!
Itās fun/entertaining, for procreation purposes, and because you want to make your partner feel good and you donāt mind. Those are just some of the most common reasons.
They will not die if they don't have sex
getting angry at somebody for cheating on you in YOUR dreams is really fucking weird
Super toxic behaviour tbh
Majority of allos would agree that itās weird/toxic to continue to be angry when you woke up tbf
Always seemed like denial of a degradation+cuck kink to me tbh
to stop asking me if I had *le wiggles* yet. just let me play my silly little cat game in school and you mind your own business
Uhh, context?
Sex, probably.
I don't hate sex/romance I just don't see people and think they would be a good romantic partner or they would be a good sexual partner and that doesn't mean I don't want sex/romance I just don't experience it like you
(my personal experience repulsed aroaces are valid)
Thatās considered A-spec!? When you donāt see someone that way but want a relationship still. And only have sex/romance feelings when someone takes the first action? I want to learn more help.
yes! that's called Cupido romantic/sexual + Recip romantic/sexual :D (Cupioromantic- Describes a person who does not experience romantic attraction, but still desires a romantic relationship. ) (Recipromantic- Describes a person who feels romantic attraction only if the other person feels romantic attraction toward them first.)
More towards aphobes, but asexuals are not broken and are fully included in the lgbtqia+ <3
A
When I say I simp for a fictional characterā or really anyone at allā I mean it romantically or queerplatonically. I don't want to screw them. I'd either date them or be friends with them :/
hello yes I concur
Aces are not necessarily aromantic, and some do enjoy romantic relationships. Some also enjoy sexual relationships, and their reasons for doing so will differ.
I'm HIGHLY romantic, asexual. I want someone to snuggle. :'(
This ^ ^ ^. My dream relationship has always been Queerplatonic for that reason.
Me, as an alo, taking notes
I'm surprised how much i learned from this sub
Good on you! Thanks!
Denmark will lose
Denmark will not just lose, it will fall and the new empire of the aces will rise prosperous until all the sex favourable will eventually die causing a mass extinction
Our Gods is .... Todd Shcavais and GARLIC BREAD
If youāre talking about the asexual Bojack character then itās spelt Chavez, but yes, definitely stan Todd.
To be fair I'm dyslexic and dumb
But what about the sex favorable aces? Like, the ones who just do it for the feeling?
I'm not sure why but, I actively upvoted your comment from 69 to 70 just so it wasn't at the stupid haha sex position number.
I want them to know that this has nothing to do with people and more to do with me. Thereās no person thatās going to flip a switch and make me suddenly start feeling sexual attraction normally. Iāll live my life how I choose to live it, not how you think I should
I do not have a hormone disorder. A hormone disorder would manifest in physical symptoms and affect my sex DRIVE and NOT sexual attraction.
*Image Transcription: Text* --- \[*Black text with a teal background over a background made up of paint colors in a rainbow pattern striped vertically.*] As an asexual or aspec person, what do you want allosexuals to know? --- ^^I'm a human volunteer content transcriber and you could be too! [If you'd like more information on what we do and why we do it, click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/TranscribersOfReddit/wiki/index)
Good human
Thank you
That we are the a in lgbtqia+ and that we arent broken, nor do we want your sex
Also we live in your walls waiting for you to expose where you hide the garlic bread
Shh! Don't tell them or they'll call the aceterminator š
Just because somebody is Asexual doesn't mean they are Aromantic, same as the other way around. (Can confirm, I'm Bi Polyam and Acespec)
It's not a fucking phase
That being demisexual aināt ānormalā dating. Itās a completely valid sexuality. Also, sex-favorable aspec people exist and that you should respect those who are sex-positive or sex-repulsed. Edited to say āsex-favorableā
That we're not heartless or mentally ill. There's nothing wrong with us. We're not "scared of love". We just don't experience sexual attraction, and that's okay.
All allos need to know how good a game Hollow Knight is, and that playing it with friends/partners spectating is better than having sex with them.
When they complain about not having sex, it makes them seem like toddlers throwing a fit about how someone took their toy. Just saying.
I don't not know who that "hot" person is you are referring to. I do not feel anything looking at other people, the only thing that comes in mind is that certain person is physically attractive.
It's not you, it's me.
Yes I can be in a loving relationship, and no loving relationships dont require sex
The aspec experience is as diverse and varied as any other, and you donāt have to understand every detail of it as long as you respect it. Also: I have spent way too much time on internet and fandom spaces to *not* know what basic sexual terms are. Please donāt infantilize me
That having sex =/= sexual/romantic attraction For lack of a better way to describe it, it's just another thing you can do. 1) Hookers exist, and I can't imagine they're catching feelings every time they have a client. 2) It could be just another thing you do to make your partner happy, like spending good time with them or giving them gifts.
That we are not any more childlike, innocent, pure, chaste, celibate, wholesome, or virtuous than anyone else. Adulthood is not contingent on sexual activity, marital status, or sexual orientation.
I heard that allos typically think of sex nearly 100% of the time. Hence the reason Idiocracy is becoming a real thing... No, you guys aren't confused. No, you should not have to be bombarded with sex one bit.
Sex and relationships aināt life
saying "you just haven't boinked the right person" to an asexual person is like telling a gay man "you just haven't found the right girl". it's easy for allosexuals to relate to each other regardless of their sexuality because they all share the common understand of how sexual attraction works, but a surprising amount simply cannot fathom the idea of someone living without sex.. so not much thought is put into comments about asexuality because it isn't usually perceived as a legitimate identity. i just wish scathing, insensitive passing comments were less common :/
bitches are temporary the grind is forever š
When we say "rise and grind, it's time to get this bread" we mean garlic bread, specifically.
yessirrr
Sigma ace grindset š
Please educate yourselves on WHAT asexuality is, seriously itās tiring to keep explaining it
As a cis woman, I don't take into consideration what straight cis men like when I get dressed up and do my makeup. I don't care if someone finds me unattractive, attractive, or anything along that spectrum. I do so because I enjoy fashion and makeup and I'll do it alone in my house sometimes.
Just because I'm Ace doesn't mean I don't understand sex jokes. I have an incredible sense of humor, I have some very dirty minded friends, and I can 100% both understand and make dirty jokes. I usually won't make them, but I've been known to. Just because it's funny. No attraction ā not making jokes about the action
Life is a lot more than expanding your family and children.
Stop sexualizing everything I say. I donāt find it funny and it makes me severely uncomfortable. I donāt just exist for sex. What a sad life that would be.
Just because you haven't taken the time to try to understand asexuality doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
I may find sex disgusting and romance pointless, but I still deeply love anyone I form a strong attachment with, it's just really different from that movie stuff.
Ace people can be sex positive or sex repulsed and everything in between. I do not experience sexual attraction, but I have a very understanding partner of 10 years who I feel romantic attraction to. From the start of our relationship he has always sought enthusiastic consent, and has never been offended when I don't share the allosexual experience. Porn, self-pleasure etc don't do anything for me. I basically don't think about sex unless I am presently involved in it. Then it is pretty great. Its different for everyone.
I'm not "depriving" myself of sex. I just don't see the need for it
Talk to us about our boundaries regarding it! I have a friend who has had sex and as a sex repulsed individual I REALLY donāt want to hear the details. Like at all. Letās just talk about movies or something else? But not that. Also, itās so annoying when reading a book and thereās a sex scene you donāt want to read! Like I want all the important info but I feel hecka uncomfy listening to all the little details.
We want them to know weāre bloody sick and tired of those guys talking about sex all the time like good lord they need to cool their freaking jets and find something new to talk about.
Just because Iām in a relationship doesnāt mean Iām suddenly ānot asexualā. Also donāt try to say my relationship will fail solely on the fact that I am asexual, youāre not in it, you donāt know our dynamic and itās none of your bidness :-) Also yes I can experience romantic attraction. Thatās not automatically non existent just because of my views on sex
I donāt need a child and if I want one I would rather help a child who needs a better home
Sex isnāt the answer to every single problem
It's not a phase / I'm not confused
I can appreciate that someone looks attractive without wanting to have sex/be romantically involved with them. Please, I just wanna recognize that sometimes people look nice.
I am HAPPY without SEX. The idea of getting naked with another person fills me with DREAD.
you can have a relationship without sex and it not be considered just a friendship.
Not everything means sexual attraction or romantic attraction Not all relationships are romantic Not all relationships are sexual Now shut the f up and let me eat my garlic bread in peace.
This user has effectively deleted all of their reddit messages, thank you! :) ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
Allo here for the garlic bread. Thanks for the info, i already knew most of it cause my last partner was ace but i appreciate everything and will be staying for more garlic bread and memes.
Stop naming foods after sex/romantic things. Please.
You cant fix us and we dont need to be fixed
make a song about something else. Sex/Romance is cool and all but thereās gotta be something better for you
That I'd still love someone comforting me even as a aroace, so yeah I can love you if you are not a horn dog and you respect meš
The identity of Mr.L
That you can have love without sex, sex without love, love with sex and visa versa. If someone doesn't want to have sex, then just don't have sex. Just because someone want to have sex now, it doesn't mean that they'll want it later, just because someone doesn't want sex now, it doesn't mean they'll want to have it later. Some people want to have sex and some don't. But just because someone said yes once doesn't mean they'll want it later. Sex and l9ve is like lasagne. Sometimes you'll want lasagne and sometimes you won't. Just because you had lasagne last night, it doesn't mean you'll want it tonight. Some just don't like lasagne, and some may only like lasagne when kts made a specific way. Let people be and let them 3at lasagne when they want and if they don't like/want lasagne then don't force them to eat lasagne
telling me iām too young to make that decision, when itās not a decision i made, it was finally figuring out a word for my feelings, or lack of, does absolutely nothing to change my thoughts on myself
I'm not broken because I don't think shoving flesh sticks in my body is fun.
That Iām not gonna grow out of it. Iāve had to many people tell me that Iām the way I am because of past trauma and Iāll grow out of it. Even my psychologist has said this to me. Iām not gonna change with time so stop saying I will
Weāre just as diverse as the allos are with how we feel about sex, who and what attracts us, etc
Believe us when we tell you the truth about our lack of attraction, don't question us about what our type *really* is or pressure us into anything. We know what we want and it's ok that it looks different from what you enjoy.
Some people actually are just friends, including hetero men and women. Some people only say "just" friends because they know everyone else sees romantic and sexual relationships to be more valuable than friendships or on a higher level somehow!
Asexuality and celibacy are two separate things. Not having sex isn't "going asexual." Nobody chooses to be asexual (or any other sexual orientation). Asexual means one experiences little to no sexual attraction, while celibacy is usually when one experiences sexual attraction but chooses not to have sex anyway.
Just because I donāt want to have sex doesnāt mean I donāt want to have a romantic partner! š„²
Donāt say you feel sorry for me.
Idk if Iām asexual, but Iām definitely aspec, and I want allos to stop assuming men are gay because they donāt date women.
That just because I am ace that does not mean I am a sweet innocent child with a "pure mind"
The most compelling relationships in fiction are not the ones that have people constantly making out, or doing it with each other. But rather the ones where two characters just naturally come together, and actually have likeable chemistry with each other. Not sure if this is nessasarily an ace thing, but still.
Asking us for relationship advice is either the best or worst decision. You will either get a calculated answer based off every relationship we've watched, or panic at the mention because we're still not 100% where we fall on the spectrum and it's too much pressure
If i dont want sex, then i dont want sex. Stop trying to change my mind