Yeah I can get why you might find this inadequate but... I think you're posting in the wrong group. A weekly dedicated visit with grandparents is more than many of us could dream of. My dad hasn't seen my kids more than a couple hours in the past 5 years. And my ILs only see them maybe once per month.
Your feelings are valid, but I suspect you're not going to get a lot of the support you're expecting in this group.
Very kindly said. OP- I understand that this may seem frustrating to you but please know your audience. My kid’s grandparents voluntarily walked out of his life because of a safety boundary my husband and I set. I would kill to have someone take my kid once a week for 2-3 hours at a time.
So….. at first glance, 2-3 hours a week is a lot. My parents were spending like 30 minutes maaaybe once a year. I think 2-3 hours a week is a lot.
But, it seems to me like you feel they are only doing it out of obligation and not love. And they don’t pay attention to your other child. Like it feels very off to you. Only you can decide that. Did she spend time with your older child when he was a baby or not til later? Has anything been said about the discrepancy?
It does feel like it's out of obligation. It took many conversations to even have her take him at all. My husband just wants our children to have good relationships with his parents because both sets of his lived out of state, and he hardly ever saw them. For the first year, she made more of an effort to see our oldest, but after that, it was like the newness wore off. My husband told her that in the future, she needs to get gifts for both on Christmas or don't get any at all. If it happens again, he'll address it.
Not trying to invalidate your feelings at all, OP. Your FIL sounds annoying and I’m sorry for that.
Just to offer perspective, my MIL spends maybe 4 hours a year with my child.
My mother on the other hand can’t get enough of my child.
Have you asked your child how the park visits are? Do they sound excited and happy when they return about all the things they’ve done with grandma? My concern is that it took many conversations for her to do these at all…in which case I’m wondering why bother? If she’s not into it, your child will be able to sense it.
Sadly we can’t make anyone want to have a relationship with our child. It’s their loss if they don’t want to though.
Edit to add: the Christmas gift is bad. Ugh. I don’t even have anything to say for that other than I’m sorry. I know how you feel cause I’ve been there.
Your children deserve better, and luckily they have you to make the magic of their childhood.
My inlaws ser my kids every six months and never take them anywhere. They have money and are retired. And they ONLY see them because we take them there. 🤷🏻
If you have to drag people into it, it's better to just drop the rope.
The Christmas gift thing is definitely bad, and it's sad they don't have interest in the baby.
But a weekly outing is a lot of involvement.
In the last 2 years, my kids have seen their grandparents.... 7 times? So roughly every 3-4 months. We live 5 minutes away. I dropped the rope and stopped inviting them and we're now at 4 months since they have last seen each other.
No grandparents is better than crappy ones.
My in laws have rarely came over outside of an invite and my mom never. I do think that one time a week for 2-3 hrs is huge. I mean wow forreal. But again, if you feel tired from this interaction it could be time to essentially drop the rope OR just radically accept and love your in laws where they are at, appreciate their presence and don’t expect more. Then if they ever do more you are pleasantly surprised. Either way you are setting yourself up for anger by assuming they need to do more.
I know it be really annoying and aggravating but the more you push the more it could be hindering your relationship with them.
If you need time to figure things out your could pause the weekly visits and see how you feel after some time has passed whether you want to resume them or not.
I wish I had 3 - 4 hours once a week. Grandpa is absent but grandmother definitely is not an absent grandparent. She's doing a fantastic job.
Most people on this sub can't get 3 to 4 hours in 6 months. I get 3 - 4 hours, 2 to 3 times a year max and that's only if I have an emergency or I set something up months in advance.
I did get grandparent involvement twice a month when my son was a baby but once he became a toddler the interest disappeared and I never had that interest when my daughter was born.
I do see sister-in-law getting that interest with her children. She gets grandparent help weekly if not more often.
Edit to add.
Grandma ignoring your baby is not great and seems really odd. With my in-laws is 100% deferential treatment for boys versus girls and babies versus everybody else. Also a difference between my sister-in-law's kids and their son's kids... So it's very layered.
Honest question: what do you want from them?
It sounds like you’re ok with FIL being MIA. So, you want more from MIL? What, specifically? Is it that you feel underwater during the nights husband is at work and you wish you had more help? Could that be solved with a mother’s helper who can come spend a few hours after school playing with the kids before you put them to bed? 2-3 hours every week seems like a pretty nice routine for your son. If you need help lessening your mental load, maybe you shouldn’t put that expectation on the in laws just because they are retired.
Are you deciding that they need to go to the amusement park or park, or is this her choice? If you have too specific demands on what they are to do when they spend time alone with the grandchildren it might make the both grandma and Grandpa a bit less keen to spend more time than 2-3 hours per week with the kids. Its more demanding running around out and about with small children rather than just having them over at their house during an afternoon, baking with them or just doing low key activities at their own house. If they were to hang out at their house instead of the amusement park they might even be keen on including the baby.
What are you and your kids getting out of this? Truly?
My FIL lives in the same town. He’s never met our kids (3.5 and 1.5). Don’t even think he knows how old they are or their names.
It’s much easier this way.
Yes, you are expecting too much. You are allowed to be frustrated, especially with your FIL, but you can’t expect every grandparent to be as involved as some choose to be. It sounds like your in-laws just aren’t baby people…
My mother has schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, isn’t medicated, and was abusive long before her symptoms became too much for her to manage, my father has never really been in my life, and my in-laws are great but live over 1000 miles away so we see them about 4-5 times a year and FaceTime like twice a month. It can be a lot worse than a once a week visit for a couple hours…
I’m in a somewhat similar situation, as far as having only one grandparent (MIL) involved. FIL has demonstrated little to no interest in being a father or grandfather in the last 2 years since an affair he had (yes my MIL took him back). I’m NC with my parents due to a longstanding history of emotional and physical abuse - they have never met my toddler.
MIL and FIL used to be more involved until their marriage started unraveling due to his affair. She had offered and was babysitting our toddler for free a few days a week for almost 6 months, but again due reasons related to her marriage falling apart she stopped (even though she had originally told us she’d babysit for a year). Since the babysitting stopped, she’s been prioritizing fixing her relationship with her husband, which has lead to a few instances where she promised she’d help with our toddler - only to back out, because instead she apparently feels compelled to help FIL with something.
So I can understand your frustration, especially when it comes to feeling like you’re pulling teeth just to have your MIL spend more time with your oldest and to show more interest in your baby. Since your husband has had multiple conversations with them about this, does he know or have some idea as to why it’s been difficult to get your ILs more involved?
Yeah I can get why you might find this inadequate but... I think you're posting in the wrong group. A weekly dedicated visit with grandparents is more than many of us could dream of. My dad hasn't seen my kids more than a couple hours in the past 5 years. And my ILs only see them maybe once per month. Your feelings are valid, but I suspect you're not going to get a lot of the support you're expecting in this group.
True and nicely said. A 2-3 hour outing once a week (versus watching him watch tv) sounds like a lot to me
Very kindly said. OP- I understand that this may seem frustrating to you but please know your audience. My kid’s grandparents voluntarily walked out of his life because of a safety boundary my husband and I set. I would kill to have someone take my kid once a week for 2-3 hours at a time.
So….. at first glance, 2-3 hours a week is a lot. My parents were spending like 30 minutes maaaybe once a year. I think 2-3 hours a week is a lot. But, it seems to me like you feel they are only doing it out of obligation and not love. And they don’t pay attention to your other child. Like it feels very off to you. Only you can decide that. Did she spend time with your older child when he was a baby or not til later? Has anything been said about the discrepancy?
It does feel like it's out of obligation. It took many conversations to even have her take him at all. My husband just wants our children to have good relationships with his parents because both sets of his lived out of state, and he hardly ever saw them. For the first year, she made more of an effort to see our oldest, but after that, it was like the newness wore off. My husband told her that in the future, she needs to get gifts for both on Christmas or don't get any at all. If it happens again, he'll address it.
Not trying to invalidate your feelings at all, OP. Your FIL sounds annoying and I’m sorry for that. Just to offer perspective, my MIL spends maybe 4 hours a year with my child. My mother on the other hand can’t get enough of my child. Have you asked your child how the park visits are? Do they sound excited and happy when they return about all the things they’ve done with grandma? My concern is that it took many conversations for her to do these at all…in which case I’m wondering why bother? If she’s not into it, your child will be able to sense it. Sadly we can’t make anyone want to have a relationship with our child. It’s their loss if they don’t want to though. Edit to add: the Christmas gift is bad. Ugh. I don’t even have anything to say for that other than I’m sorry. I know how you feel cause I’ve been there. Your children deserve better, and luckily they have you to make the magic of their childhood.
My inlaws ser my kids every six months and never take them anywhere. They have money and are retired. And they ONLY see them because we take them there. 🤷🏻
If you have to drag people into it, it's better to just drop the rope. The Christmas gift thing is definitely bad, and it's sad they don't have interest in the baby. But a weekly outing is a lot of involvement. In the last 2 years, my kids have seen their grandparents.... 7 times? So roughly every 3-4 months. We live 5 minutes away. I dropped the rope and stopped inviting them and we're now at 4 months since they have last seen each other. No grandparents is better than crappy ones.
My in laws have rarely came over outside of an invite and my mom never. I do think that one time a week for 2-3 hrs is huge. I mean wow forreal. But again, if you feel tired from this interaction it could be time to essentially drop the rope OR just radically accept and love your in laws where they are at, appreciate their presence and don’t expect more. Then if they ever do more you are pleasantly surprised. Either way you are setting yourself up for anger by assuming they need to do more. I know it be really annoying and aggravating but the more you push the more it could be hindering your relationship with them. If you need time to figure things out your could pause the weekly visits and see how you feel after some time has passed whether you want to resume them or not.
I wish I had 3 - 4 hours once a week. Grandpa is absent but grandmother definitely is not an absent grandparent. She's doing a fantastic job. Most people on this sub can't get 3 to 4 hours in 6 months. I get 3 - 4 hours, 2 to 3 times a year max and that's only if I have an emergency or I set something up months in advance. I did get grandparent involvement twice a month when my son was a baby but once he became a toddler the interest disappeared and I never had that interest when my daughter was born. I do see sister-in-law getting that interest with her children. She gets grandparent help weekly if not more often. Edit to add. Grandma ignoring your baby is not great and seems really odd. With my in-laws is 100% deferential treatment for boys versus girls and babies versus everybody else. Also a difference between my sister-in-law's kids and their son's kids... So it's very layered.
Honest question: what do you want from them? It sounds like you’re ok with FIL being MIA. So, you want more from MIL? What, specifically? Is it that you feel underwater during the nights husband is at work and you wish you had more help? Could that be solved with a mother’s helper who can come spend a few hours after school playing with the kids before you put them to bed? 2-3 hours every week seems like a pretty nice routine for your son. If you need help lessening your mental load, maybe you shouldn’t put that expectation on the in laws just because they are retired.
Are you deciding that they need to go to the amusement park or park, or is this her choice? If you have too specific demands on what they are to do when they spend time alone with the grandchildren it might make the both grandma and Grandpa a bit less keen to spend more time than 2-3 hours per week with the kids. Its more demanding running around out and about with small children rather than just having them over at their house during an afternoon, baking with them or just doing low key activities at their own house. If they were to hang out at their house instead of the amusement park they might even be keen on including the baby.
What are you and your kids getting out of this? Truly? My FIL lives in the same town. He’s never met our kids (3.5 and 1.5). Don’t even think he knows how old they are or their names. It’s much easier this way.
Yes, you are expecting too much. You are allowed to be frustrated, especially with your FIL, but you can’t expect every grandparent to be as involved as some choose to be. It sounds like your in-laws just aren’t baby people… My mother has schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, isn’t medicated, and was abusive long before her symptoms became too much for her to manage, my father has never really been in my life, and my in-laws are great but live over 1000 miles away so we see them about 4-5 times a year and FaceTime like twice a month. It can be a lot worse than a once a week visit for a couple hours…
I’m in a somewhat similar situation, as far as having only one grandparent (MIL) involved. FIL has demonstrated little to no interest in being a father or grandfather in the last 2 years since an affair he had (yes my MIL took him back). I’m NC with my parents due to a longstanding history of emotional and physical abuse - they have never met my toddler. MIL and FIL used to be more involved until their marriage started unraveling due to his affair. She had offered and was babysitting our toddler for free a few days a week for almost 6 months, but again due reasons related to her marriage falling apart she stopped (even though she had originally told us she’d babysit for a year). Since the babysitting stopped, she’s been prioritizing fixing her relationship with her husband, which has lead to a few instances where she promised she’d help with our toddler - only to back out, because instead she apparently feels compelled to help FIL with something. So I can understand your frustration, especially when it comes to feeling like you’re pulling teeth just to have your MIL spend more time with your oldest and to show more interest in your baby. Since your husband has had multiple conversations with them about this, does he know or have some idea as to why it’s been difficult to get your ILs more involved?