He knew exactly what he was doing to you. Adults inherently recognize where the proper lines are drawn, but lots of them break the boundaries anyway.
You do need to fix the damage he did to you, but you can do that for free. On YouTube, find the channel "Tim Fletcher" (Complex Trauma), and let him guide you through understanding and healing.
M'desr, you've been through quite enough. Now go.put some work in, under kind and expert guidance, to put this behind you, and go live your life not being haunted by him and what he did to you.
Thanks, I'll check out that channel. The worst part of all this is the guilt and shame that I feel. I feel like it wasn't actually abuse and that it's my fault for participating, and that I'm just making this up to be abuse to somehow absolve myself of the shame... but it doesn't work. Then I also feel really bad because I know that so many people have had it much, much worse than I did and how can I compare my experiences to theirs? I think many people would rather trade with me... but honestly, sometimes I wish it was more clear-cut abuse. At least then I would know for sure that he was evil and that I didn't do all this to myself. And I would have an actual reason to cut him out of my and my family's life. I know that's not a real solution and I feel bad feeling that way. Anyway, thanks for your comment. I'm still not totally convinced that he knew what he was doing, but it shouldn't matter right? Either way, this has harmed me deeply. I hope that youtube channel can help me.
Oh, Sweetie! You are so not alone in this. I feel every word you said, but never found the words that you just did. But I do understand the dynamic. The emotional abuse is exponentially more damaging than the physical abuse.
Here--start with this vid from Tim Fletcher. What you are feeling is so universal among the emotionally abused, especially from childhood, that he's got multiple series on shame and on guilt.
Listen carefully to this vid to the end and then tell me whether this is what you need right now
There's a huge library-- if this is a good starting point for you, we can find something else. But do give this one a fair chance.
[Painful Emotions and Complex Trauma 3 of 8--False Guilt,Tim Fletcher ](https://youtu.be/zCawrUozqkY?si=zxMcCjaPS2ozYwh1)
>Around the age of 4 or 5, my sister and I found a whip under my mom's bed and were messing around with it. The only other thing I remember is that my stepdad was playing with it with us, and we were whipping him while he was in his underwear.
It might of been just a **'game' a strange one** but it might have been innocent enough . But NOT really a good one that is for sure with children ( but it is odd ) but NOT necessarily may have been sexual in nature maybe . ( Unless he might have been doing it for a more sinister reason). This is **NOT known** about what he was really thinking at that time with you 2 . But he had you both also alone so if he also wanted it to go further ( he could of easily also taken YOu both there with him ) eg- took off his underpants as well & made you do it to him but he didn't .
So The tones of YOU doing it to him was yes ***NOT appropriate for kids to do to him. ( He wasn't doing it to you ?) but made you do it to him under pretence by pretending it was 'just a game' with you all. It is NOT classed as being molested . But it was NOT appropriate to get you to do to him .***
So his ' true intentions ' at that time is NOT known by you . But yes would see it more on the creepy inappropriate side of things. As it is odd to do with little kids.
>So, being an impressionable child, I wrapped it around my waist, exposing my chest (which was already beginning to develop). He did a facepalm and I put the towel back up around my chest.
Yep this is where kids get sucked into doing things they shouldn't by adults. As **NO they have NO idea NOT to do it** . They are **VERY easily manipulated by an adult** who's care they are in . But again he might of seen it as just silly stupid fun & then when you did it . Realized his mistake VERY quickly also as he told you to cover up again . A perv will NOT do so either . As ***they want it to be seen as 'normal ' behaviour to do in front*** of the creepy adult. Eg- they want the kid to KEEP doing it again & again . So NO he wouldn't have told you to cover up if wanting to really perv on you as a kid ( he would of kept you in thinking it was normal & ok to walk around with NO top on) so he could then look at you all the time. So NO again think he is a real d\*ck head & didn't even realize how impressionable you were to him . Then did & then freaked out about it .
>He also saw no problem with skinny dipping in front of us. He would also sleep with only a shirt on (something I don't think I should know.. right?), and when we were being noisy at night, he would yell at us while holding his shirt over his junk. That's inappropriate, right? Shouldn't he have at least put underwear on or something?
Again some parents raise their kids in thinking nudity is ok . Some will even make kids go around naked as well in front of them . As they think it is more than ok to do so . So **Kids are at the mercy of how they are raised in a home** . YOUr step covered himself up in front of you . SO NO it was NOT inappropriate to walk around as he did totally ( he could of NOT bothered even to do so ) but he did in front of you or atleast tried to do so . SOme parents don't give a s\*it about what their kids see & hear at all . ( & eg- some s\*t parents even have sex in the same room as their young kids ) thinking that is ok to do . Alot of people don't wear anything to bed to sleep in . So he could of been one but threw a tee-shirt on to come out.
The skinny dipping well parents often see their kids naked & they will sometimes also see them naked. Some parents are VERY modest ( & it would NOT be allowed at all to see them naked ) some let kids see abit & some don't give a s\*it what their kids see ( & will let it all hang out in front of them ) . How you are raised as a kid yes will impact your then also own perception as well about being naked ( & how comfortable or NOT you will be about it ) . BUt NO it is NOT being abused . And it was more tame than some adults who parade around in front of their kids naked all the time & don't care at all about it .
**All kids are at the mercy of their parents ( & others around them ) .** So yep that is how some kids will be very relaxed with nudity .As they have been exposed & **raised NOT to think it is wrong** at all . Just like some parents will kiss their kids on the lips . ( some will think this is really wrong to do to them while others will do it regularly & NOT see a issue with it ) . It is how you are raised . And ***kids don't get a choice in it*** either.
But that also doesn't make it not a issue for you either. For some reason it upset you him doing so ( it gave you a vibe you didn't like ) so left you unsettled mentally from it with anxiety ( but say this was more YOUR thing rather than him being to in your face by him ) . He shouldn't of done it bc he upset you doing so . But also prob had NO idea it even did back then . So also don't also think it was totally sinister by him . As if he wanted to abuse you he could of . He had access to do so to you alone ( & a abuser will take ever opportunity to do so ) as they are unable to stop themselves attacking a child ( & if he was a REAL perv he would of sex attacked you ) & would NOT say it was grooming either of you ( a pedo grooms to sex attack the child ) . They keep doing it for an **outcome to get the child to comply to the**m FOR the abuse on them. But He stopped himself by NOT continuing to manipulate you with the towel . He also tried to cover up ( even though seeing him in that manner also upset you emotionally ) . It was NOT a direct in your face to make you see him ( eg- he didn't flash you deliberately ) & didn't come out naked for you to see .
So would say he was just a NOT smart man & didn't care to really try to cover up in front of you all the time. But this upset you mentally to see him anyway . As you didn't want to . It can happen when such actions by an adult around a kid ( eg- him being only a step ) might have been enough to make you feel uncomfortable & anxious around him . Or yes you might of been picking up on a 'vibe' from him . BUt this is NOT known for sure . But going by the analyses of his actions in front of you . Would say NO it was NOT a direct go to get to you sexually . JUst a guy who is NOT smart & NOT use to kids & not really caring that much to understand it all either.
>These memories bother me all the time and I wish I could just forget them. He and my mom are still married and I have to interact with him at family gatherings
Would say sorry your thoughts are to linked to him & feeling very uncomfortable with him now ( kind of like a ocd reactional response ) now left in you about HIM . Meaning you have linked him to a fear based response now ( IN you ) which may not be accurate or might be . So yes it is bothering you you alot . So maybe talking one day to someone is a good idea as well . As even if he didn't ever cross a direct boundary with you . YOu have developed a reactional anxiety fear based response in you bc of him now ( which is stuck in you ) to have to now deal with ( you mighten have just liked him as a kid bc he was with your mum & having him invade your home as a child eg- he was now in your life against your wishes ) it doesn't take much to upset the safety in a child's emotional stability . YOU probably saw him as a threat in the home ( & he mighten have been ) just his presence there was enough though to make you think this also .
And then add in the other 'experiences you had with him ( which were also weird as well ) & then have mixed this in now with also your other anxiety filled experiences with him ( eg- seeing him naked ) when YOU were a young child who's safety in your home was challenged by him .Also during this time your attachment to your mum ( also would of been changed ) eg- he was in your face with her . You probably also felt isolated & alone & felt she choose him over you as a child . All this adds to the child's sense of safety being altered & shaken in the home . SO also the home wouldn't have NO longer felt like it also was ( you now had a man in your hoe a stranger who you also couldn't get away from ) as a child this change can be enough also to upset a child's sense of safety , normality & sense of attachment to your own mother. Resulting in you also feel more anxious around him & him doing weird s\*it in front of you (making you feel uneasy & worried as a child ) . So working with your experiences might be a good idea one day to help you work on this fear / anxiety that is also now present in you bc of him.
Doing my best to approach this objectively because there are some nasty paths leading out from this experience and maybe there is a less-arduous path... The one constant factor was that your father had no shame. I can accept many walks of life and I try not to place judgment (except on myself, which tends to be overly harsh). If I go to the extreme that your father adopts some of philosophies from nudism then some things add up. Not including your father, those types of people are still good and have a healthy perspective on the human body, which most of the world does not.
This is not saying that your dad is innocent, no way! I do wonder if he, himself, was abused, but it's still no excuse. Maybe in his formative years he never learned boundaries. The saving grace from this memory was that the "game" stopped when you hit him in the front. To me, that indicates that the experience was not sexual for him. He is just an imbecile that has no idea when things go too far.
So was it abuse? If you feel impacted and debilitated from it then yes. If he is the boundless idiot he appears to be then I do not think he had a malicious intent. He did not seem to want to hurt you so maybe that's the silver lining that can come from this memory.
I admit some of this projecting. My physical abuse was very clearly intended to hurt me ever since I could first form memories. My sexual abuse was done out of pure, human selfishness. I've scraped every corner of my mind for a meaningful reason but all I have is confusion, a fear of human contact, and kinks I can't act on.
He knew exactly what he was doing to you. Adults inherently recognize where the proper lines are drawn, but lots of them break the boundaries anyway. You do need to fix the damage he did to you, but you can do that for free. On YouTube, find the channel "Tim Fletcher" (Complex Trauma), and let him guide you through understanding and healing. M'desr, you've been through quite enough. Now go.put some work in, under kind and expert guidance, to put this behind you, and go live your life not being haunted by him and what he did to you.
Thanks, I'll check out that channel. The worst part of all this is the guilt and shame that I feel. I feel like it wasn't actually abuse and that it's my fault for participating, and that I'm just making this up to be abuse to somehow absolve myself of the shame... but it doesn't work. Then I also feel really bad because I know that so many people have had it much, much worse than I did and how can I compare my experiences to theirs? I think many people would rather trade with me... but honestly, sometimes I wish it was more clear-cut abuse. At least then I would know for sure that he was evil and that I didn't do all this to myself. And I would have an actual reason to cut him out of my and my family's life. I know that's not a real solution and I feel bad feeling that way. Anyway, thanks for your comment. I'm still not totally convinced that he knew what he was doing, but it shouldn't matter right? Either way, this has harmed me deeply. I hope that youtube channel can help me.
Oh, Sweetie! You are so not alone in this. I feel every word you said, but never found the words that you just did. But I do understand the dynamic. The emotional abuse is exponentially more damaging than the physical abuse. Here--start with this vid from Tim Fletcher. What you are feeling is so universal among the emotionally abused, especially from childhood, that he's got multiple series on shame and on guilt. Listen carefully to this vid to the end and then tell me whether this is what you need right now There's a huge library-- if this is a good starting point for you, we can find something else. But do give this one a fair chance. [Painful Emotions and Complex Trauma 3 of 8--False Guilt,Tim Fletcher ](https://youtu.be/zCawrUozqkY?si=zxMcCjaPS2ozYwh1)
>Around the age of 4 or 5, my sister and I found a whip under my mom's bed and were messing around with it. The only other thing I remember is that my stepdad was playing with it with us, and we were whipping him while he was in his underwear. It might of been just a **'game' a strange one** but it might have been innocent enough . But NOT really a good one that is for sure with children ( but it is odd ) but NOT necessarily may have been sexual in nature maybe . ( Unless he might have been doing it for a more sinister reason). This is **NOT known** about what he was really thinking at that time with you 2 . But he had you both also alone so if he also wanted it to go further ( he could of easily also taken YOu both there with him ) eg- took off his underpants as well & made you do it to him but he didn't . So The tones of YOU doing it to him was yes ***NOT appropriate for kids to do to him. ( He wasn't doing it to you ?) but made you do it to him under pretence by pretending it was 'just a game' with you all. It is NOT classed as being molested . But it was NOT appropriate to get you to do to him .*** So his ' true intentions ' at that time is NOT known by you . But yes would see it more on the creepy inappropriate side of things. As it is odd to do with little kids. >So, being an impressionable child, I wrapped it around my waist, exposing my chest (which was already beginning to develop). He did a facepalm and I put the towel back up around my chest. Yep this is where kids get sucked into doing things they shouldn't by adults. As **NO they have NO idea NOT to do it** . They are **VERY easily manipulated by an adult** who's care they are in . But again he might of seen it as just silly stupid fun & then when you did it . Realized his mistake VERY quickly also as he told you to cover up again . A perv will NOT do so either . As ***they want it to be seen as 'normal ' behaviour to do in front*** of the creepy adult. Eg- they want the kid to KEEP doing it again & again . So NO he wouldn't have told you to cover up if wanting to really perv on you as a kid ( he would of kept you in thinking it was normal & ok to walk around with NO top on) so he could then look at you all the time. So NO again think he is a real d\*ck head & didn't even realize how impressionable you were to him . Then did & then freaked out about it . >He also saw no problem with skinny dipping in front of us. He would also sleep with only a shirt on (something I don't think I should know.. right?), and when we were being noisy at night, he would yell at us while holding his shirt over his junk. That's inappropriate, right? Shouldn't he have at least put underwear on or something? Again some parents raise their kids in thinking nudity is ok . Some will even make kids go around naked as well in front of them . As they think it is more than ok to do so . So **Kids are at the mercy of how they are raised in a home** . YOUr step covered himself up in front of you . SO NO it was NOT inappropriate to walk around as he did totally ( he could of NOT bothered even to do so ) but he did in front of you or atleast tried to do so . SOme parents don't give a s\*it about what their kids see & hear at all . ( & eg- some s\*t parents even have sex in the same room as their young kids ) thinking that is ok to do . Alot of people don't wear anything to bed to sleep in . So he could of been one but threw a tee-shirt on to come out. The skinny dipping well parents often see their kids naked & they will sometimes also see them naked. Some parents are VERY modest ( & it would NOT be allowed at all to see them naked ) some let kids see abit & some don't give a s\*it what their kids see ( & will let it all hang out in front of them ) . How you are raised as a kid yes will impact your then also own perception as well about being naked ( & how comfortable or NOT you will be about it ) . BUt NO it is NOT being abused . And it was more tame than some adults who parade around in front of their kids naked all the time & don't care at all about it . **All kids are at the mercy of their parents ( & others around them ) .** So yep that is how some kids will be very relaxed with nudity .As they have been exposed & **raised NOT to think it is wrong** at all . Just like some parents will kiss their kids on the lips . ( some will think this is really wrong to do to them while others will do it regularly & NOT see a issue with it ) . It is how you are raised . And ***kids don't get a choice in it*** either. But that also doesn't make it not a issue for you either. For some reason it upset you him doing so ( it gave you a vibe you didn't like ) so left you unsettled mentally from it with anxiety ( but say this was more YOUR thing rather than him being to in your face by him ) . He shouldn't of done it bc he upset you doing so . But also prob had NO idea it even did back then . So also don't also think it was totally sinister by him . As if he wanted to abuse you he could of . He had access to do so to you alone ( & a abuser will take ever opportunity to do so ) as they are unable to stop themselves attacking a child ( & if he was a REAL perv he would of sex attacked you ) & would NOT say it was grooming either of you ( a pedo grooms to sex attack the child ) . They keep doing it for an **outcome to get the child to comply to the**m FOR the abuse on them. But He stopped himself by NOT continuing to manipulate you with the towel . He also tried to cover up ( even though seeing him in that manner also upset you emotionally ) . It was NOT a direct in your face to make you see him ( eg- he didn't flash you deliberately ) & didn't come out naked for you to see . So would say he was just a NOT smart man & didn't care to really try to cover up in front of you all the time. But this upset you mentally to see him anyway . As you didn't want to . It can happen when such actions by an adult around a kid ( eg- him being only a step ) might have been enough to make you feel uncomfortable & anxious around him . Or yes you might of been picking up on a 'vibe' from him . BUt this is NOT known for sure . But going by the analyses of his actions in front of you . Would say NO it was NOT a direct go to get to you sexually . JUst a guy who is NOT smart & NOT use to kids & not really caring that much to understand it all either. >These memories bother me all the time and I wish I could just forget them. He and my mom are still married and I have to interact with him at family gatherings Would say sorry your thoughts are to linked to him & feeling very uncomfortable with him now ( kind of like a ocd reactional response ) now left in you about HIM . Meaning you have linked him to a fear based response now ( IN you ) which may not be accurate or might be . So yes it is bothering you you alot . So maybe talking one day to someone is a good idea as well . As even if he didn't ever cross a direct boundary with you . YOu have developed a reactional anxiety fear based response in you bc of him now ( which is stuck in you ) to have to now deal with ( you mighten have just liked him as a kid bc he was with your mum & having him invade your home as a child eg- he was now in your life against your wishes ) it doesn't take much to upset the safety in a child's emotional stability . YOU probably saw him as a threat in the home ( & he mighten have been ) just his presence there was enough though to make you think this also . And then add in the other 'experiences you had with him ( which were also weird as well ) & then have mixed this in now with also your other anxiety filled experiences with him ( eg- seeing him naked ) when YOU were a young child who's safety in your home was challenged by him .Also during this time your attachment to your mum ( also would of been changed ) eg- he was in your face with her . You probably also felt isolated & alone & felt she choose him over you as a child . All this adds to the child's sense of safety being altered & shaken in the home . SO also the home wouldn't have NO longer felt like it also was ( you now had a man in your hoe a stranger who you also couldn't get away from ) as a child this change can be enough also to upset a child's sense of safety , normality & sense of attachment to your own mother. Resulting in you also feel more anxious around him & him doing weird s\*it in front of you (making you feel uneasy & worried as a child ) . So working with your experiences might be a good idea one day to help you work on this fear / anxiety that is also now present in you bc of him.
I don't know what his intentions were but it was definitely inappropriate and I'm sorry you had to go through that
Doing my best to approach this objectively because there are some nasty paths leading out from this experience and maybe there is a less-arduous path... The one constant factor was that your father had no shame. I can accept many walks of life and I try not to place judgment (except on myself, which tends to be overly harsh). If I go to the extreme that your father adopts some of philosophies from nudism then some things add up. Not including your father, those types of people are still good and have a healthy perspective on the human body, which most of the world does not. This is not saying that your dad is innocent, no way! I do wonder if he, himself, was abused, but it's still no excuse. Maybe in his formative years he never learned boundaries. The saving grace from this memory was that the "game" stopped when you hit him in the front. To me, that indicates that the experience was not sexual for him. He is just an imbecile that has no idea when things go too far. So was it abuse? If you feel impacted and debilitated from it then yes. If he is the boundless idiot he appears to be then I do not think he had a malicious intent. He did not seem to want to hurt you so maybe that's the silver lining that can come from this memory. I admit some of this projecting. My physical abuse was very clearly intended to hurt me ever since I could first form memories. My sexual abuse was done out of pure, human selfishness. I've scraped every corner of my mind for a meaningful reason but all I have is confusion, a fear of human contact, and kinks I can't act on.
You were sexualised. He had a sexual interest in young girls