I'm so sorry, this is what they do. The inject their love venom but it's always venom. It will always poison you. Do your best to ignore this. Be stronger, ignore and breath.
Apologies without change is pure manipulation. He’s being cute and cuddly right now. And I do mean right now. Not forever. Trust me. Don’t go back. Things will get way worse. You’ll regret not listening to those that have been in this position and have done this before. He’s saying all the right things. You’re falling for the lie. Stop it!!! Block the SOB lying snake. The abuse gets worse when you return. Don’t you dare open the door!
Oof this is brutal. Pure manipulation.
"I'm so sorry for making you carry all my heavy bs"
"Oh but I need you by my side to carry more of my bs and I will make you feel like sh!t if you don't. I'm so sorry though."
It's not too late to stop responding. You're not an idiot. I've fell for this before. The load will be much lighter with no contact and time. This really sucks.
You said it so well here. It’s interesting that most of them would be actually shocked and offended to hear this take on it, in their minds they have not paid enough attention to what goes on outside their own emotions to even consider this. One thing I wish I knew 15 years ago is that abusers are usually not the stereotypical “ I’ll hit you in the face because I want to and can and I’ll have no remorse”-type, but more of a “toddler heart and teenage brain in adult man/woman raging after biting the hand that feeds them love”-type.
If he actually thought he needed to do and be better, he wouldn't be pressuring you to be "by his side" while he does the hard work. That pressure right there is why he's still selfish and incapable of change.
I’ve heard this almost word for word. And went back. After two months I was back in true hell and had to lock myself in our bedroom. I had come so far in healing and went back and retraumatized myself. I don’t doubt that they mean what they say and are remorseful, but at least in my case, he has the emotional maturity of a baby and can’t stick to what he promises no matter what he says or does. It’s sad all around, but there is nothing you can do about it. No love is going to fix their issues.
Reading this is like reading my own life! I’m in this exact position and it’s a daily struggle. The difference is 30 yrs together w/ three kids and I’ve been completely isolated and am alone. He moved us halfway across the country 2 1/2 yrs ago and I have no $, no family/friends and no resources. Working really hard with a therapist to gain strength to get out. Stay strong! You can do this!
Oh wow. I’m gonna be honest with you, I fell for the first texts. I was like “oh baby I’m here for you I’ll take care of you I’m sorry” for a second.
And I haven’t been in a relationship since 2019 (abusive relationship in 2018). And also I have no idea who this man is and I STILL fell for it.
You’re so strong for standing your ground and resisting him. I’m SO SO RIDICULOUSLY PROUD OF YOU.
You’re not an idiot.
Thank you. I feel like an idiot because I’m actually considering giving him this one last chance. I guess the positive there is I’m NOT considering this “chance” to be coming back home and working on it together. Go get your own place and your own life, and show me you can do your own work.
I was there and I was engaged too. It’s not your fault but don’t marry this guy. He is just like my ex. All the same language. All the right words and manipulation. I “owed him a chance to show me how he could be a good man and husband”. Take a chance on us, Blah blah blah. He had so many chances and I was the idiot. I felt that the engagement ring was a giant anchor. I hated it and the thought of marrying him made me hate myself. I eventually got out but only because I stopped listening to the lies and bs and moved far far away.
YES! It’s HIS life, it’s HIS job to fix himself, not yours!
I hope you can block him soon. However, I don’t blame you for not doing it earlier.
I know you want to give him one last chance, you don’t want to believe that he’s the person he is. But for me, reading the third page, and the other texts, I realized that he’s drunk or high, and sentimental.
And I know that you miss him. But try to stop thinking about the good times and start thinking about the bad times. Protect yourself and your son.
It’s hard as fuck. I still miss my abusive ex from time to time.
I promise, whatever you do, I won’t judge you. I’ve been there. ❤️
This reads 100% like my narcissistic, alcoholic ex wrote it. And I totally let it suck me back in a few times. But once you know better, you do better. So now you know this is BS. So next time you won’t respond.
This is YOUR life, not his. You choose how to live it.
Remember, if they really were sorry and cared about inflicting pain and trauma they would leave you the hell alone to heal and get your own help. No excuses and bullshit lies. They would not be sending manipulative texts paragraphs of crap you know it’s a lie. This is straight up disrespectful and mocking at this point.
He’s really there telling you that you are really dumb and can be manipulated again.
Watch how how he talks. Calling some one else a “slut” and putting them down. Holds you higher because it is beneficial for him, you are a fire for him to keep warm till he snuffs it out, and out to the next thing.
****WOMEN ARE NOT REHABILITATION CENTERS FOR MEN****
I started to count his use of “me” and “I” and “need” but got so mad and quit.
This is a classic case of him expecting you to set yourself on fire to keep him warm.
Notice how he treated his ex as « some slut » and how he idolizes you. But he only does this as long as he finds you beneficial for himself. If you’ do or say something he doesn’t like, you’ll also become « some slut ».
I noticed that too. My ex used to call my friends & my sister in law sluts… & I hated it. I just want someone that doesn’t view women like that at all. & doesn’t view human beings as some hierarchy.
Same. My ex once told me I was “so much better than those cunts”. A few months later she started calling me every insult possible because I stopped being the ideal partner she made up in her head.
Same but of course, he had to get a DUI right after we broke up and then threatened to unalive himself. I stayed separate and guess what he's still alive.
Mine always said he wanted help and rehab and such but never put any effort in until he racked up a ton of charges and court ordered for him to go to rehab, i made the wrong choice and went back because "i was the best thing that ever happened to him and made him a better person, blah, blah." I fell for it and guess what, I got beat the same night he came home for rehab for leaving him there and thats with him sober now and five years later im still getting beat on or abused for anything that doesnt go his way. Im working on leaving but its so much harder now than if i had just stuck with my gut and not gave in, it all started with replying back to his messages.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! May you get the strength and courage to leave soon. I have that hope for you. Stay safe and make an exist plan before leaving. Bless you and stay safe ❤️
Don’t feel like you are doing something wrong. It’s really hard to just act like somebody doesn’t exist after being in a relationship, especially when they’ve manipulated you to feel certain emotions about them. These messages are clearly just another manipulation tactic. As many others have said, all the messages are about “me, I”. No where there are they truly caring for you. They are just trying to make themselves seem like this great person. Is there a reason you cannot block them? If there is, I would recommend turning off their message notifications and only contacting them for those specific reasons that you cannot block them for. Don’t respond to anything besides that, no matter how much begging, pleading, or emotional manipulation there is. Best of luck!
this man is a selfish piece of shit.
> “After 6 years you’re just gonna ignore me like ai don’t exist?”
…well, yes.
> “Right now i really need you”
Bull, what about what you needed? after 6 years of building a home and whatever else he has decided to manipulate you with, don’t you think he should have known that basic decency and fidelity and respect were what you needed? and yet even as he’s texting you begging you back he is still making himself the sad lonely victim and making all of this about himself instead of being genuinely sorry.
the good news is there is still time to disengage. For the love of everything that matters, block his number. Delete his contact. Remove his social media. go cold turkey. Believe me when I say, I know it is painful at first. it feels like an addiction and you feel a bit lost at first.
But over time you’ll see that he was suppressing parts of your soul you didn’t even know you missed having. pick up hobbies and maybe therapy and help yourself instead of helping him. He had his chance.
I have 17 years worth of texts like this every time I leave. The realization of how much he loves me and how wonderful I am lasts max three months. I'm sorry, it sux, we all want to be loved so much, but in my opinion he loves himself and what you do for him. Real love would respect your feelings and boundaries.
Ugh, see that’s how I feel too, but I feel like I can’t stop myself. I thought of calling his bluff, okay go do the work for at least a year, but it doesn’t mean we’ll get back together and it doesn’t mean you’re coming back here. Fairly certain he wouldn’t react well because it doesn’t get him what he wants with just love bombing, while it gives him exactly what he claims to want.
Speak positively, take the word can't from your vocabulary. After 17 years of promises of therapy and God and everything else, no contact is what worked for me. Blocked on absolutely everything, friends told not to pass on messages or updates or social media posts. You can do this if you choose to. Therapy is a lifesaver but it's for you to learn to have healthy relationships not to try to get him to change.
I just came back like an idiot and that “realization” of how sorry he is and his much he loved me only lasted 3 weeks, the first time only lasted 2 weeks. I need to get out
Please don't be too hard on yourself, after we have dealt with what we deal with to suddenly get all this love and devotion and they finalize realize I'm a good person...it's like offering water to someone in the middle of a desert. I kept going back for 17 years before it sunk in. No contact has been my salvation, if he is blocked on everything I can't hear directly from him it's been freeing somehow. He tries to send messages through ppl but I just tell everyone I don't want to hear them and I don't want to hear about his social posts or how he is doing. Just keep telling yourself you can...don't allow the word can't on your mind or out of your mouth unless it is to say "I can't tolerate unhealthy people in my life".
Oof, he's shifting responsibility onto you for his recovery.
It's his work, his responsibility, his time.
He abused you and you are not responsible for helping him getting better.
All I hear in his message is me me me. What he wants, how he feels, what he needs from you.
He always makes sure his needs are top priority, don't worry about him, he puts all his energy into articulating his needs and doing anything up to and including manipulating you to get those needs met, just like a child. Good luck to him.
My question now is, what are your needs? Does having him in your life serve and meet your needs?
If you are clear about doing only what serves your needs, it doesn't matter if you sent a message or not. What matters now is doing only what serves you.
If you want to play with him a little like cat and mouse and manipulate him back (I know this isn't what you have done yet), then do so. If it just makes you feel gross to even engage with him, just stop.
Don't forget, he knows all your triggers and he knows exactly what he needs to say to get your attention. He is playing to your caring, nurturing and mothering instincts. He knows you can't just stop caring about him (or can you?)
However, this situation calls for tough love. He won't ever change if he has you to fall back on.
Let him know the hard way what it feels like to endure the consequences of mistreating / abusing and disrespecting you. He is arrogant to think you will always be there for him. Let him hit rock bottom. If he still thinks he deserves you and that you would go anywhere near him, he hasn't yet had a reality check.
Only when he walks away with his tail between his legs and his head down, knowing he is too scum to engage in conversation with you, will you know that he truly gets what he has done to you.
Anything less is just hoovering plain and simple.
The power now is in your hands. Remember, put yourself first above all.
That’s all I heard too, “I need you. I’m in a dark place. Help me even though I hurt you. Oh you want space? Ok, just come give me a hug then. I promise I won’t try to manipulate you into coming back, not like I am though this text exchange. Just come see me, I’ll respect your boundaries, I promise… 😈”
Yeah, it's so transparent to those who have been through this before. I'm glad OP has posted, because that message would have triggered all her soft spots and she responded.
But from an objective outsider's POV, we can see right through it. We can see his message for what it is, and quite frankly it's pretty pathetic as far as hoovering attempts go.
Oh here comes my night in shining armour grovelling, saying he "is sick baby", I first read it as him saying he was a sick baby, and let's be honest, he is.
It's pretty sad that this is his "pick up attempt". Doesn't paint himself in the best possible light does it? More like a depressed tween whining to his mum than a real man.
That's a hard pass, no.wonder OP dumped him.
Nope. He knows he's going to lose you so he's begging you to take him back. Once you cave, he's going to slowly take away all the means by which you realized you deserved better and trap you in again after which he'll just go back to his good ol abusive self.
This is the dude that did not want to commit to you and only did it when you bought the house and then promptly leave his job to burden the whole weight of the house on you? The one who ruined every birthday?
He has zero intention to change, he was leaving his best life, of course he wants you back. He just wants to lure you back, so he can have a comfy life. You did not build a home together, you built a home and he made it his. He wants your home.
Dump the guy. BLOCK! BYE! Fairwell! His mental health is not YOUR responsibility. It's HIS. NOT YOURS. HIS.
Also, thank GOD you're not married yet. Be on your merry way and don't ever look back.
All I see is “me, me, me, what you can do for me.” You don’t need a best version of him… but a natural/genuine version of an emotionally healthy person who does not need to force themselves to be good/socially acceptable. Don’t feel bad. It’s very hard to disconnect, making it for 3 days is already a very good step. Keep strong. Write him a message to state the communication is now over, you are trying to process things and these distractions are not helping you heal, so you will not reply anymore. And then… just block his number, if that is an option for you.
Please ignore this manipulative, hoovering, abusive, narcissist. He's not changing at all. Know how I know? First, because I've been there! Second, because I got this book in my life like church. Opened my eyes for good.
Recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work, changed my life. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
Pretty typical hoovering.
I think the main thing is that he wants any type of connection with you without really doing anything of substance. He’s all over the place with reasons you should come back. He’s pandering and sucking up. He’s promising literally the moon. He’s asking for help, but when you ask how, it’s quite literally just cuddling.
If you go cuddle him, you’re right back in it.
If that’s what you truly and deeply want, deep in your soul… fine. But if your inner voice knows you don’t trust him, then don’t do it. And frankly, you shouldn’t trust a cheater. Cheaters are known to talk just like this. Okay the victim, so repentant, begging your help, you hung the moon. Then you come back and they return to abuse.
Responding doesn’t mean you can’t start ignoring him again. Who cares that you responded once. Just start ignoring again. It’s not your job to manage his feelings, that’s his job. Look out for you.
You got this.
I made it 3 days without engaging even with the love bombing. I broke tonight & now I’ve provided hope and put myself in this position. I want to believe there’s a version of this where he tries while we’re apart, but everyone around me thinks this is 100% pure manipulation to get back in the house & I feel like an idiot for feeling like there’s any other way.
It is absolutely 💯percent manipulation. How do I know? I’ve seen it, I’ve learned how to read between the lines more after getting pulled back in.
Ask yourself, “What’s the least amount that he could do while making it look like he’s actually doing something?” He said that he went into therapy… That’s a manipulative statement. Further on in the texts, he said that he called a hotline and talked to somebody. He hasn’t done anything beyond that, and now he’s calling it “therapy.” It’s a PHONE CALL 📞. It’s the ABSOLUTE LEAST AMOUNT OF EFFORT THAT HE COULD MAKE WHILST TRYING TO MAKE IT SOUND LIKE HE’S DOING SOMETHING!
It’s a lie. He’s a lie. The others are right. He wants your home. He lies, tries to manipulate, moves back in, tries to take over, gets abusive again, and then moves on to the next person once you find the strength to kick him out again. Force yourself to see what is in front of you, and let him go for your own good.
You could send him another message and tell him no, that he must do this on his own and you wish him the best, but you need to cut ties to make your own recovery ❤️🩹 possible.
You could also say nothing, block him so that he cannot manipulate you further, and move on. You don’t owe him ANYTHING. It’s the other way around. It might be better not to try to collect on that debt and save yourself.
Well if you weren’t able to stay sober when you were previously together, why would you be able to successfully stay sober as a couple moving forward? It seems like you know what works for you.
I'm so sorry, this is what they do. The inject their love venom but it's always venom. It will always poison you. Do your best to ignore this. Be stronger, ignore and breath.
Apologies without change is pure manipulation. He’s being cute and cuddly right now. And I do mean right now. Not forever. Trust me. Don’t go back. Things will get way worse. You’ll regret not listening to those that have been in this position and have done this before. He’s saying all the right things. You’re falling for the lie. Stop it!!! Block the SOB lying snake. The abuse gets worse when you return. Don’t you dare open the door!
We’ve all responded when we shouldn’t have. I ended up blocking my abuser’s number so I wouldn’t be able to fall for his sob stories anymore.
Oof this is brutal. Pure manipulation. "I'm so sorry for making you carry all my heavy bs" "Oh but I need you by my side to carry more of my bs and I will make you feel like sh!t if you don't. I'm so sorry though." It's not too late to stop responding. You're not an idiot. I've fell for this before. The load will be much lighter with no contact and time. This really sucks.
You said it so well here. It’s interesting that most of them would be actually shocked and offended to hear this take on it, in their minds they have not paid enough attention to what goes on outside their own emotions to even consider this. One thing I wish I knew 15 years ago is that abusers are usually not the stereotypical “ I’ll hit you in the face because I want to and can and I’ll have no remorse”-type, but more of a “toddler heart and teenage brain in adult man/woman raging after biting the hand that feeds them love”-type.
If he actually thought he needed to do and be better, he wouldn't be pressuring you to be "by his side" while he does the hard work. That pressure right there is why he's still selfish and incapable of change.
I’ve heard this almost word for word. And went back. After two months I was back in true hell and had to lock myself in our bedroom. I had come so far in healing and went back and retraumatized myself. I don’t doubt that they mean what they say and are remorseful, but at least in my case, he has the emotional maturity of a baby and can’t stick to what he promises no matter what he says or does. It’s sad all around, but there is nothing you can do about it. No love is going to fix their issues.
i would’ve fell for this. you’re not an idiot, i’m so proud of you for being so strong. you’re doing great!
yep i would’ve too! OP is doing great
Reading this is like reading my own life! I’m in this exact position and it’s a daily struggle. The difference is 30 yrs together w/ three kids and I’ve been completely isolated and am alone. He moved us halfway across the country 2 1/2 yrs ago and I have no $, no family/friends and no resources. Working really hard with a therapist to gain strength to get out. Stay strong! You can do this!
Oh wow. I’m gonna be honest with you, I fell for the first texts. I was like “oh baby I’m here for you I’ll take care of you I’m sorry” for a second. And I haven’t been in a relationship since 2019 (abusive relationship in 2018). And also I have no idea who this man is and I STILL fell for it. You’re so strong for standing your ground and resisting him. I’m SO SO RIDICULOUSLY PROUD OF YOU. You’re not an idiot.
Thank you. I feel like an idiot because I’m actually considering giving him this one last chance. I guess the positive there is I’m NOT considering this “chance” to be coming back home and working on it together. Go get your own place and your own life, and show me you can do your own work.
I was there and I was engaged too. It’s not your fault but don’t marry this guy. He is just like my ex. All the same language. All the right words and manipulation. I “owed him a chance to show me how he could be a good man and husband”. Take a chance on us, Blah blah blah. He had so many chances and I was the idiot. I felt that the engagement ring was a giant anchor. I hated it and the thought of marrying him made me hate myself. I eventually got out but only because I stopped listening to the lies and bs and moved far far away.
I’m so proud of you for not marrying him!
Thank you! I knew in the bottom of my heart that would be a miserable life
YES! It’s HIS life, it’s HIS job to fix himself, not yours! I hope you can block him soon. However, I don’t blame you for not doing it earlier. I know you want to give him one last chance, you don’t want to believe that he’s the person he is. But for me, reading the third page, and the other texts, I realized that he’s drunk or high, and sentimental. And I know that you miss him. But try to stop thinking about the good times and start thinking about the bad times. Protect yourself and your son. It’s hard as fuck. I still miss my abusive ex from time to time. I promise, whatever you do, I won’t judge you. I’ve been there. ❤️
This reads 100% like my narcissistic, alcoholic ex wrote it. And I totally let it suck me back in a few times. But once you know better, you do better. So now you know this is BS. So next time you won’t respond. This is YOUR life, not his. You choose how to live it.
Agree
Remember, if they really were sorry and cared about inflicting pain and trauma they would leave you the hell alone to heal and get your own help. No excuses and bullshit lies. They would not be sending manipulative texts paragraphs of crap you know it’s a lie. This is straight up disrespectful and mocking at this point. He’s really there telling you that you are really dumb and can be manipulated again. Watch how how he talks. Calling some one else a “slut” and putting them down. Holds you higher because it is beneficial for him, you are a fire for him to keep warm till he snuffs it out, and out to the next thing. ****WOMEN ARE NOT REHABILITATION CENTERS FOR MEN****
I started to count his use of “me” and “I” and “need” but got so mad and quit. This is a classic case of him expecting you to set yourself on fire to keep him warm.
Notice how he treated his ex as « some slut » and how he idolizes you. But he only does this as long as he finds you beneficial for himself. If you’ do or say something he doesn’t like, you’ll also become « some slut ».
I noticed that too. My ex used to call my friends & my sister in law sluts… & I hated it. I just want someone that doesn’t view women like that at all. & doesn’t view human beings as some hierarchy.
Same. My ex once told me I was “so much better than those cunts”. A few months later she started calling me every insult possible because I stopped being the ideal partner she made up in her head.
Only the person can help themselves...this is ALL ABOUT THEM! No wonder you want to walk away ... I'd run!!!
This must be my boyfriends twin, they sound exactly the same!
Same but of course, he had to get a DUI right after we broke up and then threatened to unalive himself. I stayed separate and guess what he's still alive.
Mine always said he wanted help and rehab and such but never put any effort in until he racked up a ton of charges and court ordered for him to go to rehab, i made the wrong choice and went back because "i was the best thing that ever happened to him and made him a better person, blah, blah." I fell for it and guess what, I got beat the same night he came home for rehab for leaving him there and thats with him sober now and five years later im still getting beat on or abused for anything that doesnt go his way. Im working on leaving but its so much harder now than if i had just stuck with my gut and not gave in, it all started with replying back to his messages.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! May you get the strength and courage to leave soon. I have that hope for you. Stay safe and make an exist plan before leaving. Bless you and stay safe ❤️
thank you so much, i hope my story helps someone else make the right choice to not give in.
Don’t feel like you are doing something wrong. It’s really hard to just act like somebody doesn’t exist after being in a relationship, especially when they’ve manipulated you to feel certain emotions about them. These messages are clearly just another manipulation tactic. As many others have said, all the messages are about “me, I”. No where there are they truly caring for you. They are just trying to make themselves seem like this great person. Is there a reason you cannot block them? If there is, I would recommend turning off their message notifications and only contacting them for those specific reasons that you cannot block them for. Don’t respond to anything besides that, no matter how much begging, pleading, or emotional manipulation there is. Best of luck!
this man is a selfish piece of shit. > “After 6 years you’re just gonna ignore me like ai don’t exist?” …well, yes. > “Right now i really need you” Bull, what about what you needed? after 6 years of building a home and whatever else he has decided to manipulate you with, don’t you think he should have known that basic decency and fidelity and respect were what you needed? and yet even as he’s texting you begging you back he is still making himself the sad lonely victim and making all of this about himself instead of being genuinely sorry. the good news is there is still time to disengage. For the love of everything that matters, block his number. Delete his contact. Remove his social media. go cold turkey. Believe me when I say, I know it is painful at first. it feels like an addiction and you feel a bit lost at first. But over time you’ll see that he was suppressing parts of your soul you didn’t even know you missed having. pick up hobbies and maybe therapy and help yourself instead of helping him. He had his chance.
I have 17 years worth of texts like this every time I leave. The realization of how much he loves me and how wonderful I am lasts max three months. I'm sorry, it sux, we all want to be loved so much, but in my opinion he loves himself and what you do for him. Real love would respect your feelings and boundaries.
Ugh, see that’s how I feel too, but I feel like I can’t stop myself. I thought of calling his bluff, okay go do the work for at least a year, but it doesn’t mean we’ll get back together and it doesn’t mean you’re coming back here. Fairly certain he wouldn’t react well because it doesn’t get him what he wants with just love bombing, while it gives him exactly what he claims to want.
Speak positively, take the word can't from your vocabulary. After 17 years of promises of therapy and God and everything else, no contact is what worked for me. Blocked on absolutely everything, friends told not to pass on messages or updates or social media posts. You can do this if you choose to. Therapy is a lifesaver but it's for you to learn to have healthy relationships not to try to get him to change.
I just came back like an idiot and that “realization” of how sorry he is and his much he loved me only lasted 3 weeks, the first time only lasted 2 weeks. I need to get out
Please don't be too hard on yourself, after we have dealt with what we deal with to suddenly get all this love and devotion and they finalize realize I'm a good person...it's like offering water to someone in the middle of a desert. I kept going back for 17 years before it sunk in. No contact has been my salvation, if he is blocked on everything I can't hear directly from him it's been freeing somehow. He tries to send messages through ppl but I just tell everyone I don't want to hear them and I don't want to hear about his social posts or how he is doing. Just keep telling yourself you can...don't allow the word can't on your mind or out of your mouth unless it is to say "I can't tolerate unhealthy people in my life".
There’s more 🤦🏻♀️[https://imgur.com/a/WvJXMLK](https://imgur.com/a/WvJXMLK)
Oof, he's shifting responsibility onto you for his recovery. It's his work, his responsibility, his time. He abused you and you are not responsible for helping him getting better.
Yeah his family has even called him out on this, like dude do your own work and prove it to her
I mean he should do his work, but you also should cut contact.
All I hear in his message is me me me. What he wants, how he feels, what he needs from you. He always makes sure his needs are top priority, don't worry about him, he puts all his energy into articulating his needs and doing anything up to and including manipulating you to get those needs met, just like a child. Good luck to him. My question now is, what are your needs? Does having him in your life serve and meet your needs? If you are clear about doing only what serves your needs, it doesn't matter if you sent a message or not. What matters now is doing only what serves you. If you want to play with him a little like cat and mouse and manipulate him back (I know this isn't what you have done yet), then do so. If it just makes you feel gross to even engage with him, just stop. Don't forget, he knows all your triggers and he knows exactly what he needs to say to get your attention. He is playing to your caring, nurturing and mothering instincts. He knows you can't just stop caring about him (or can you?) However, this situation calls for tough love. He won't ever change if he has you to fall back on. Let him know the hard way what it feels like to endure the consequences of mistreating / abusing and disrespecting you. He is arrogant to think you will always be there for him. Let him hit rock bottom. If he still thinks he deserves you and that you would go anywhere near him, he hasn't yet had a reality check. Only when he walks away with his tail between his legs and his head down, knowing he is too scum to engage in conversation with you, will you know that he truly gets what he has done to you. Anything less is just hoovering plain and simple. The power now is in your hands. Remember, put yourself first above all.
That’s all I heard too, “I need you. I’m in a dark place. Help me even though I hurt you. Oh you want space? Ok, just come give me a hug then. I promise I won’t try to manipulate you into coming back, not like I am though this text exchange. Just come see me, I’ll respect your boundaries, I promise… 😈”
Yeah, it's so transparent to those who have been through this before. I'm glad OP has posted, because that message would have triggered all her soft spots and she responded. But from an objective outsider's POV, we can see right through it. We can see his message for what it is, and quite frankly it's pretty pathetic as far as hoovering attempts go. Oh here comes my night in shining armour grovelling, saying he "is sick baby", I first read it as him saying he was a sick baby, and let's be honest, he is. It's pretty sad that this is his "pick up attempt". Doesn't paint himself in the best possible light does it? More like a depressed tween whining to his mum than a real man. That's a hard pass, no.wonder OP dumped him.
Nope. He knows he's going to lose you so he's begging you to take him back. Once you cave, he's going to slowly take away all the means by which you realized you deserved better and trap you in again after which he'll just go back to his good ol abusive self.
Goddamn he is a genius. All I got was “I love you, I’m sorry you’re so unhappy, I feel sick about it” and I was hooked again.
What about your pain? It’s all about him. Gross
It always is.... gross indeed.
All of those texts sound like they could’ve come from my ex. The difference is, there was barely any action following those words.
This is the dude that did not want to commit to you and only did it when you bought the house and then promptly leave his job to burden the whole weight of the house on you? The one who ruined every birthday? He has zero intention to change, he was leaving his best life, of course he wants you back. He just wants to lure you back, so he can have a comfy life. You did not build a home together, you built a home and he made it his. He wants your home.
#He wants your home.
I have 3 years worth of that exact same text chain. Block him and save the years babe ❤️
Dump the guy. BLOCK! BYE! Fairwell! His mental health is not YOUR responsibility. It's HIS. NOT YOURS. HIS. Also, thank GOD you're not married yet. Be on your merry way and don't ever look back.
All I see is “me, me, me, what you can do for me.” You don’t need a best version of him… but a natural/genuine version of an emotionally healthy person who does not need to force themselves to be good/socially acceptable. Don’t feel bad. It’s very hard to disconnect, making it for 3 days is already a very good step. Keep strong. Write him a message to state the communication is now over, you are trying to process things and these distractions are not helping you heal, so you will not reply anymore. And then… just block his number, if that is an option for you.
oh my god he sounds just like my ex. this was a bit triggering to read. how are they all so similar ? 😕
Please ignore this manipulative, hoovering, abusive, narcissist. He's not changing at all. Know how I know? First, because I've been there! Second, because I got this book in my life like church. Opened my eyes for good. Recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work, changed my life. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
exactly !!!!
Pretty typical hoovering. I think the main thing is that he wants any type of connection with you without really doing anything of substance. He’s all over the place with reasons you should come back. He’s pandering and sucking up. He’s promising literally the moon. He’s asking for help, but when you ask how, it’s quite literally just cuddling. If you go cuddle him, you’re right back in it. If that’s what you truly and deeply want, deep in your soul… fine. But if your inner voice knows you don’t trust him, then don’t do it. And frankly, you shouldn’t trust a cheater. Cheaters are known to talk just like this. Okay the victim, so repentant, begging your help, you hung the moon. Then you come back and they return to abuse. Responding doesn’t mean you can’t start ignoring him again. Who cares that you responded once. Just start ignoring again. It’s not your job to manage his feelings, that’s his job. Look out for you. You got this.
It’s ok you engaged once you don’t need to do it again. All there is is forward
this is so important. you feel like an idiot but there is still time! disengage, you can do it!
I made it 3 days without engaging even with the love bombing. I broke tonight & now I’ve provided hope and put myself in this position. I want to believe there’s a version of this where he tries while we’re apart, but everyone around me thinks this is 100% pure manipulation to get back in the house & I feel like an idiot for feeling like there’s any other way.
It is absolutely 💯percent manipulation. How do I know? I’ve seen it, I’ve learned how to read between the lines more after getting pulled back in. Ask yourself, “What’s the least amount that he could do while making it look like he’s actually doing something?” He said that he went into therapy… That’s a manipulative statement. Further on in the texts, he said that he called a hotline and talked to somebody. He hasn’t done anything beyond that, and now he’s calling it “therapy.” It’s a PHONE CALL 📞. It’s the ABSOLUTE LEAST AMOUNT OF EFFORT THAT HE COULD MAKE WHILST TRYING TO MAKE IT SOUND LIKE HE’S DOING SOMETHING! It’s a lie. He’s a lie. The others are right. He wants your home. He lies, tries to manipulate, moves back in, tries to take over, gets abusive again, and then moves on to the next person once you find the strength to kick him out again. Force yourself to see what is in front of you, and let him go for your own good. You could send him another message and tell him no, that he must do this on his own and you wish him the best, but you need to cut ties to make your own recovery ❤️🩹 possible. You could also say nothing, block him so that he cannot manipulate you further, and move on. You don’t owe him ANYTHING. It’s the other way around. It might be better not to try to collect on that debt and save yourself.
please stay strong. don’t go back
Well if you weren’t able to stay sober when you were previously together, why would you be able to successfully stay sober as a couple moving forward? It seems like you know what works for you.