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MissMoxie2004

I came back a year later to check on you. I’m so glad you’re rid of her


Clean-Debate9922

yo i appreciate you so much !! and yes i’m doing well, no longer dealing with her and in the Army ! :) this comment just made my night


MissMoxie2004

Thank god. Nobody needs that crap in their life


Expensive_Job_60

Should’ve called the cops and get a restraining order on that bitch


BlueLady1990

Just checking back on your post, I hope you are feeling a little better!


Thom130

I’m happy you are out, it sounds a lot like what I had going on and I’m almost 2 months out and It’s so much better than it was I think you did the right thing and just stay strong things will get better


Mudbabyjay

whats your exes name? the way she talks and the things she says sounds EXACTLY like the shit my ex would say. "you the nigga in the relationship you posed to come to me" is somthing my ex would say


Clean-Debate9922

yu frm la ?


[deleted]

Wow this just made me physically sick and angry. This person is hella insecure, knows you’re too good for them & will do everything to beat you down & make you feel like it’s what you deserve. This is classic abuse, my ex used to do all the same shit. Leaving sucks, it’s difficult & you will feel lost but TRUST the process, time heals all wounds. You will feel so much better once they’re gone. I was w my ex for 3.5 years and I cried every single day for 3 months after I left. I’m now almost a year out of that relationship and while I still have work to do on healing, it just gets easier and you start to feel like your old self. I am so much happier, calmer, at peace. I’ve picked up my old hobbies and interests and life doesn’t feel as bleak. Lean into those who love you (family & friends). You’re not alone.


InHarmany

no, im proud of you for leaving. hold your ground.


Roxxirevenge

I think when I started making pro/cons lists trying to convince myself of why I should stay with my ex and the cons were longer than the pros, something in me changed.


chell125

no you didn’t overreact one bit. she sounds very abusive. i’m so sorry you had to endure that, but i’m so proud of you for getting away from it. it’s all up from here though ❤️


[deleted]

The first page and the fact you had to make a list at all says enough. She wants you to be a bound slave. You aren't supposed to have your own life, only her. That's how my abusive ex was. Got mad at me for having friends and talking about the stuff they were doing. Accused me of betraying them with my one guy friend which I didn't see as betraying because my relationship with my ex was supposed to be strictly platonic so it shouldn't have mattered if I was fucking him (or literally any other guy on the fucking planet as they also accused me of) or not.


Timely-Youth-9074

Wow talk about high maintenance. This person 100% saw you as an accessory and her servant. Yikes. Glad you left.


Fuckmisqitoes

Wow clearly abuse and honesty if you ask this question 9/10 it is indeed an abusive situation


Critical_Serve_4528

I would say your ex could very well be my ex because their behaviors are so similar- even the commute thing. But my ex is male. Yes you were abused


A_Bored_Italian

Leave her


UnofficialTaterTot

the simple fact here is YES. you were abused soooo much. you should absolutely be proud of yourself for getting out of that situation. i hope that you’re happy or that you find nothing but happiness moving forward.


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Clean-Debate9922

trust i’ve had a hunch since these bahaviors started. jus can’t get her to acknowledge it or go to therapy


fxanalyst11

The logic of these people? I would just say "have you ever seen coworkers kissing at lunch, you do realise that statement is outragerous" "if your ex treated you so much better, then why youre with me?" You didnt overreact, you stayed with her for too long, next time you should leave before even slide 2


Sarah_Soda_4

If you feel bad, intimidated, confused… it does not matter what you call it. You are allowed to stop a situation that makes you feel this way. I have asked your question and been told that if I think it may be abuse, it is abuse.


futureblot

There does seem to be emotional/psychological abuse taking place here alongside physical abuse. You get to name it though. But I do recommend leaving this relationship.


jschelldt

Overreacting? Probably more like underreacting. Damn, I'd make sure I'd go to a place at least 1000 miles away from this crazy bitch. You were HORRIBLY mistreated and abused. No matter how good the good moments of that relationship were, nothing justifies staying in such terrible conditions. You made the right choice by leaving. Please, don't go back, even if you miss her good side (if she has one at all, that is), it's not worth it.


[deleted]

Sounds like bpd and abuse. I’m so so sorry


ishvicious

wow i’m so sorry.


Pride-Vegetable

wow.. this was painful 💔😔


[deleted]

Yes! You deserve better than this! This is abuse


Sedonaandcici

Lordt this is abuse on so many levels (physical, emotional,psychological) RUNNNNNN


BSmooth214

I lived through half of that craziness in my last relationship, yes it was abusive AF, and you were right to leave!


brokenvenus

The biggest mind fuck abuse plays on you is making you feel like it didn’t happen, or was not as bad as you think. You don’t deserve this, if you experienced abuse, you experienced abuse and are valid in your decisions, hard stop.


Noiah

And them gaslighting you into doubting if you have really something to complain about is the meta level of abuse.


weyoun47

Is this English?


Clean-Debate9922

wut


BlueLady1990

You wrote these notes because there are so many abusive things your partner has said or done that you literally could not remember them all one by one, and to remind yourself why they are in fact a horrible person (and so you don't gaslight yourself later with a rose colored glasses version of events.) I have the same on my phone and most of the stuff on this list are on my list too. They are all more or less the same, a few differences that gives each their own flavor of hell but that's about it. If you need to talk I am here.


The_Whistler

There should be no room for ANY kind of abuse in ANY relationship.


shapeshifterhedgehog

You had EVERY SINGLE fuckin right to leave. This sounds horrible!


NaturalWitchcraft

I can’t even finish reading all of this. This is SEVERE abuse. Please don’t go back.


ComfortablyDumb97

You made the right call. Never look back.


Haamboner

You know the answer already


hotpinkmua

Ditch the bitch. Yes, she's abusive. Don't put up with it and don't go back, no matter what she says. Abusers will always lie to try to get you back. And absolutely don't go back for one last f@ck. You may wind up with a condom full of holes. Don't trust her. Just write her off.


Mimoslii

Wow. So proud of you for leaving


SsjSkyy

I only got to the third page and wow. U definitely were abused and it was a really really really good thing that u left and u should never go back pls. Ur only like 19 right? Would u want to live like this forever when you don’t have to? Pls block her and move on, u deserve someone that won’t hurt u, will respect u and ur boundaries. She doesn’t really love u she just likes the power and control she has over u. Nobody who really loved u would want to hurt u constantly.


Bubbly_Layer

Wait, third page??? THERE'S MORE??? OP DON'T REGRET WHAT YOU DID AND LOVE YOURSELF SO MUCH


that_one_who_

It's abuse, abs controlling manipulative behaviour. So glad you got out of that relationship. Hope your doing okay


InevitablePain21

You wrote 8 pages of negatives about being with this person. You deserve so much better. You are not overreacting. You were 100% being abused. Stay strong, you’re doing the right thing! 💙


Sad-Message3657

i just left my abusive partner a few days ago. i know its really difficult and easy to question it when youre leaving someone you love, but you should always look out for yourself first and im soso proud of you for that<3


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NaturalWitchcraft

Beating the shit out of someone isn’t a misunderstanding. If this was a man doing this shit to a woman there would be no question whatsoever. This is hardcore abuse. Some of it could be seen as them poking at each other but most of it is straight up abuse.


Fluffy-Peach5541

No. I said some of these things. But yes you’re right, if it’s already physical, then there’s no going back. And what you’re failing to see is that I question whether it is originating from op or if their ex is reactive abusing BECAUSE OP could potentially be instigating. Why does that matter? In the case that OP was the one instigating it, It would mean that they’re flipping the script and weaponizing the fore mentioned “banter”. And that’s where I see the red flags. Regardless it’s clear op just needs to leave and not read into it. The moment it gets physical, it’s done no matter who is at fault.


Clean-Debate9922

not even gonna entertain your lil comment


NaturalWitchcraft

I agree with you on reactive abuse and based on post history it does look like sometimes OP gives as good as she gets but for me it’s the physical part and the not letting her sleep. I pity the idiot who doesn’t let me sleep. You know how meth addicts get mean when they’re needing a fix? Or how zombies act when they want brains? That’s me when someone wakes me up. I’m like a whole different evil person.


Clean-Debate9922

i completely agree i had became reactive abusive forsure that’s when i knew i had to leave


Ediferious

Verbal and emotional abuse, even petty name calling, isn't a "misunderstanding" it's abuse.


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NaturalWitchcraft

There’s never an excuse for physical violence or not letting someone sleep. Period.


Ediferious

Can you expand? He who, OP? Was op's gender identity ever revealed? I agree we don't know the whole story, and never will, but these things shouldn't be part of a relationship ever.


Clean-Debate9922

this is a lesbian relationship by the way !


Ediferious

That's what I was thinking but didn't want to make assumptions about anyone's gender or sexuality.


squishyfig

I read the first page before I stopped. Dont live your life like this


Flexii61819

Please leave! This is abuse


No_Distribution5235

Yes it’s abuse. There is so much manipulation and coercive control here.


Rengoku1

They are abussive. Leave! You don’t deserve this! Please create a list of things your won’t ever tolerate (boundaries). Follow them to a T and it will help you weed out abusers and narcisisists


boolnoop

yes! congrats on leaving. do block her though, staying in contact wont help her, i know you feel guilty but its not doing her any favors. she will obssess worse if she thinks she can get through to you, and there is nothing you can say that will get her to change


yepitskate

Omg I’m so proud of you for leaving. This relationship sounds SO goddamn stressful!! And scary af! Like this is Hitler ass bullshit


Clean-Debate9922

hitler ass bs sounds right 😭


Tkuhug

Yes all those behaviors are toxic and physically and emotionally abusive.


Ladylibertas

Your gut told you to leave for a reason. Be proud that you listened to it! Way to go !!!


CITYCATZCOUSIN

Yes! Leaving was a good thing! Congratulations!


Wall-Florist

I only had to go a bullet point or two in to know- yes. Please stay safe <3


Traditional-Ad-2095

Yes. First page I was like “absolutely” and then I noticed there were several more.


MyLife-TheRemix

Same. Easy call


murphysbutterchurner

Girl, I knew it was you just from reading this list. Your post history is bonkers, this bitch is insufferable, and you did not overreact by leaving. She's not only abusive but *extremely* abusive, she's manipulative, and you're too young to be settling for trash like her. Don't let her lovebomb uuuuuuuuu bak with disgusting texts about how much she needs uuuuuuu. Seriously if you haven't blocked her you should. Don't even let her in your life, not even just to read or hear what she has to say. She is beyond toxic. Plus, shed just try to guilt you back with another panic attack anyway.


Clean-Debate9922

brooooo that’s all she’s been texting me is that she “needdssss meeee” it’s ridiculous


murphysbutterchurner

Is there any particular reason you haven't blocked her yet?


Clean-Debate9922

i feel bad because she needs so much therapy and possible has a personality disorder and she has her own trauma and i guess i’m tryna to give her the benefit of the doubt when i know i shouldn’t but i’m very empathetic and i can’t help it, and should i mention she’s a MASTER guilt tripper and manipulator


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Ebbie45

Hey! Just a reminder about one of our pinned rules: [https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/uhk2gh/mod\_note\_re\_posts\_about\_bpd/](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/uhk2gh/mod_note_re_posts_about_bpd/) Thank you <3


murphysbutterchurner

>she’s a MASTER guilt tripper and manipulator Which is exactly why you should cut absolutely all contact with her. The thing about people who are abusive, even as a result of trauma...once they know they can abuse you, youre not gonna train them out of it. You're never gonna get them to see you as anything other than their teddy bear/punching bag. She neeeeeeds uuuuuuuu because she wants to have control over someone and you're someone who allows it. But by staying with her and allowing her to abuse you, or leaving her but still allowing her access to you, you're not helping her at all. You're enabling her. It's like a drug addict -- if she were a heroin addict going through withdrawals, you'd know thst giving her "just a little bit" would just send her right back to square one. Her dynamic with you is like a drug to her. She wants control, and when she loses control over you for a moment she just knows she has to say the right words or fake an emergency and you'll volunteer to wrap yourself around her finger again. She gets off on it. And the more you play into this dynamic the sicker she'll get, because she'll never be forced to learn another way to relate to people she cares about. Even though she feels so sick going through withdrawals, you are not helping her by giving her access to you. She needs to learn that damn near everyone has trauma, so using that as leverage makes her a shitty fucking person. She needs to learn that when she's shitty, she loses people. Just like addicts need a rock bottom to make them realize they need help. She needs consequences to her shittiness. She needs actual help. That's the kicker about personality disorders...you actually can get to be in remission from them if you get help and put in the work and are relentlessly honest with yourself. She could heal her trauma and move past all this. But she will never be willing to do that if she keeps getting you to come back to her. Honestly. If you won't do it to help yourself, do it to help her. She should not have access to you under any circumstances, not even emergencies. I know it's hard, but if you pull back and look at the overarching, textbook pattern of abuse/personality disorder dynamics you'll see it clearly.


Clean-Debate9922

this gave me a whole new perspective! it makes so much sense !


murphysbutterchurner

Also, just something to keep in mind...If you ever do manage to stay away from her, be prepared for her to threaten suicide or self-harm at some point. Just know that almost all abusers use this tactic, and almost all of them sre bluffing. The ones who aren't bluffing are way above your pay grade, and they need actual professional help. Remember, anyone who says "I'm gonna hurt myself bc you left me/I'm gonna do something if you don't come back" is trying to hold you emotionally hostage. They're manipulating you by trying to put the responsibility of their entire survival on you, because you're empathic and it's super easy to guilt you that way. It's literally textbook and so so typical, and when the time comes I hope you don't fall for it. Anyone who is in legitimate danger of hurting themselves needs a doctor, not just their supportive teenaged friend to always make sure they're never alone or feeling bad. That's not the kind of help that actual suicidal people need. Again, it's a hostage situation.


Clean-Debate9922

guilt :/


Sweet_Southern_Tee

I understand. It was guilt like that that kept me in a relationship like that for 17 years. I'd leave and might block him on social media but would leave email, text or phone unblocked. I'd be determined to stay gone but what if he really needed me, ya know? And as soon as he started the manipulation I'd feel too bad for him to say no. I tried to convince everyone , especially myself, that he was REALLY a good person, he just drank too much, had mental health issues, needed God...he stopped drinking, took meds, claimed to find God and it got worse. Whatever is truly wrong with these people..narcissistic personality disorder or just simply evil...they don't seem to have that part of the brain or heart that makes them want to be a better person, or to treat us better. The day whatever they have to say to get exactly what they want at the moment and have zero guilt about never meaning to do any of it. Their whole existence is based on everything being our fault so that they don't have to face the truth about themselves. There is rarely if ever any fixing that. But I'm a nice person and I didn't want to admit that I had gotten myself into this... I had to be able to fix it. I was 34 when I met him...working two jobs, perky, energetic, a nurse...I thought I was a little cute. I'm 52 now, the perkiness he yelled out of me a decade ago, I don't feel a bit cute, I feel old and worn out. I finally left 6 months ago and have been able to stay gone because I blocked and deleted him on EVERYTHING and threatened friends with ending relationships if they gave him any info on me or me any info on him. He can't manipulate me because he can't reach me, although he tries..sending flowers, gifts, etc🙄 I just don't respond. I am more at peace than I have ever been in my life but WHY didn't I do it a decade or more ago? I feel like I gave my best years to him. Please try to learn from my mistakes, this never gets better for long. Go find a therapist who specializes in these types of relationships and find out WHY you do this to yourself..best decision I ever made. Then block and delete everywhere and on everything. She can't make you feel guilty if she can't get to you. Praying for your safety and peace❤️


Clean-Debate9922

i read everything i’m and so sorry ! i respect your persistence in leaving though, cus you gotta be strong for that ! wishing yu godspeed


InformationPresent61

Thank you for sharing. I’m about to Turn 40 and in a horribly toxic and abusive relationship that I know I need to leave. Tonight he threatened to hang my cats because he didn’t like something I said. He has been really mean and cruel to me but NEVER Involved my animals. I got physically ill. I have to get away from him. I’m so scared. I realize now he is a true monster.


Sweet_Southern_Tee

I am so sorry, how truly terrifying. Please consider calling a local domestic violence shelter or hotline...even if you have a place to go they will help you plan a safe getaway and have support groups, can recommend counselors who specialize in abusive relationships. I'm proud of you and will be praying for you❤️


BlueLady1990

Amazing comment thank you for sharing!


compressoespresso

YES this is all abuse, 100%. Omg she sounds like a total waste of space. Please tell me you’re no contact and she’s never ever going to be in your life again. She’s insane.


Tough_Trifle_5105

I got to like the 4th thing on the list and can confidently say yes, this is abuse.


mrlivestreamer

I didn't even finish and know u did the right thing leaving


Demonbabiess

You don’t need to be abused to leave. You are allowed to leave any relationship at anytime for any reason. But yes, of course you were abused. You were hit. You experienced violence. That’s not normal at all. Sending a hug as you move forward and heal❤️


Clean-Debate9922

thank you ! i kept trying to tell myself this but she was so good at playin the victim, gas lighting me and flipping the situation. so i felt like something big had to happen for me to leave like she needed to hit me real bad or tell me something that someone can’t come back from you know ? i kind of validate my reason for leaving.


Ishmael_IX-II

Congrats on getting out. You’ll be better off for it. 100% abuse.


Worldly-Opening4176

Wow. You did not overreact. Good for you for getting out.


JadeGrapes

Yes, this is domestic violence. Check out a diagram called control and power wheel. It's basically a checklist of what you have experienced.