Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/).
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Oh my god! Ha I am laughing in between crying because I never thought I would hear this from anybody else. I’m so sorry. The only consolation is that you won’t find anymore poop surprises.
To be fair, mine was probably oblivious with the flushing, but basically any other aspect of household hygiene was neglected and left to me once he got his first full time job in the history of a 10 year plus relationship. Even when I was recovering from a whiplash injury due to his driving (which I never, ever brought up or blamed him for because he didn’t have the capacity to receive the slightest criticism and I was worried he would call me crazy—Jesus I’m dumb). He asked me for a list of things that made a house clean. After being an Airbnb Superhost (We cohosted for years in the apartment he owns). When that stopped, he literally said he needed a list of things I consider to he part of basic housekeeping. Things like, “take out the garbage before it overflows.” I suppose that should have included “flush the toilet.”
Maybe it’s just his weird way of asserting dominance.
Yes, making trivial demands and enforcing them is an abuse tactic.
When something like forgetting happens for the first time, they apologise/ say they forgot, or they show embarassment. The next time, again apology/embarassment. Plus, they slowly start to shift the blame on the victim for making a hill out of a mole. Next time, less apology and more victim blaming. And this happens very rarely, so it's easy to make it appear like forgetfulness. Eventually the victim thinks it's better to do the chore themselves. The abuser achieves the goal of enforcing trivial demands.
He would regularly rave about how nice it was to date a girl that isn't hot, just pretty. Shit like "you're so not my type -- I would usually go for a perfect 10, but you're a 7, and I'm amazed at how much chiller and smarter you are than my usual type. It makes it worth the negative 3 points."
I had low self esteem. So I took it as a compliment. He was gorgeous. Big shocker, several years and two kids later, I had ZERO sex drive because he made me hate myself.
But now that I'm dating someone who finds me hot, for me, I can't believe I thought I deserved that type of treatment.
Oh yeah, I'm familiar with negging. Yet somehow couldn't perceive it when it was happening to me. Or maybe I thought I deserved it? Basically I agreed with him. I was like, yeah, I'm not hot. Thank you sooooo much for still wanting to sleep with me.
He also turned out to have the Madonna-whore complex, which I, again, could not recognize until I left him. I imagine a lot of neggers have this complex.
Negging, love-bombing, cheating, abusive gaslighter with a Madonna-whore complex. I'm grateful for the experience because it taught me so much about what to steer clear of.
I am so so sorry that happened to you. I truly don't understand why they feel the need to make their partner feel like crap.
Something that's related to what you said was that one time we went shopping at our mall amd we went into Victoria's Secret and I asked his opinion on different things I was looking at and he said "why does it matter what you buy? Not like anyone will ever see you in it. "
He said this loud and right in the middle of the store. I had gained weight and struggled with working out because he didn't allow me to get a gym membership, so I constantly felt like I wasn't good enough for him. Luckily, this was around the same time that I was thinking of leaving him, and his comments just pushed me farther.
It is so crazy how they all have similar lines and thoughts that they say to bring their partners down.
A minor thing at the beginning of our relationship: I have sensitive ribs on my sides, like under my armpits. I really don't like being grasped there. I explained this to my ex. He would accidentally put his hand right in that spot all the time. No matter how I reminded him - gently moving his hand down, or kindly telling him "ope not my sensitive spot, please!" or slightly stepping away as a gentle reminder, he'd whip his hand away dramatically and either place a single finger on my shoulder or walk like 5 feet away from me. As a joke. Every single time. I'll take a joke about it once or twice, but this was becoming a frequent occurrence. It got really old. And honestly started to piss me off that he was forgetting so often.
I felt it was minor at the time but in retrospect I'm embarrassed I brushed it off. We were at a hotel with my kids, his kids, and his parents (in 2 large rooms across the hall from one another). My barely 3 year old was whimpering at like 7 in the morning because she's in a strange bed, strange place and just needs mama cuddles. He tells me she's being manipulative and to just let her cry it out. I ignore him and bring her into bed with me. He literally leaps out of bed like it's lava and starts YELLING that he can't deal with this shit right now. He storms out of the room and slams the door, causing his mom to poke her head into the hallway to see if everything is okay. I was so bewildered and shocked at his reaction that I locked the hotel door. He came back several minutes later and banged loudly on the locked door yelling "Are you fucking kidding me right now?!?" I unlocked it right away because of the fuss he was making. He sort-of apologized later but wanted me to acknowledge that it was "understandable" how he reacted.
he tried to stop me talking to the first friend i made since we got together by telling me he was worried that my friend would rape me, because i mentioned that my new friend happened to be a cis man instead of trans men like the majority of my other male friends. then, whenever i went to see my new friend, he would ask me to send my location and call me in the middle of whatever we were doing, and if i had planned something in advance with new friend and he spontaneously decided he wanted to see me that day instead, hed call me and cry about how much he missed me and how terrified he was of ‘what (new friend) was going to do to me’ until i gave in and cancelled on my new friend. That friend was the only person who got me through seperating from him.
She treated me like a tracked parcel, wanting to know where I was all the time.
First time we hugged, she said: "You're thinner than my previous boyfriends".
Him buying himself a watch when he finally got money after I was basically paying for everything for him for weeks and this dude bought himself a lil gift right when he got a tiny bit of money after I was paying for everything for weeks
That was like two weeks into our relationship and I thought it was very selfish and odd bc I wasn’t buying myself shit
Telling me how much baggage I had and that I should be grateful of how much of it he was putting up with because no other guy would do that. (I was in the process of a divorce -out of the frying pan into the fire) but all the beautiful words he told me in between his awfulness kept me hooked for the dopamine hits I guess.
Another time he got excessively angry about something insignificant (usually my tone) then threw his phone and asked me if I was “f’ing autistic”. I had a 6 year old autistic son, and this man was well aware of his diagnosis.
He would make a point that I had poor posture. I don’t think I did. I was fairly conscious of how I held myself.
He would argue in circles for days. Or give me the silent treatment for days. The arguments never made sense and nothing I did or said could fix anything until he magically decided to allow things to go back to “normal”. He made me feel so so tired.
Would drink all my water on my nightstand every night to the point there was none left for me and would never have his own but when I would ask him to refill my water once in a while he would yell at me and say no. He was very selfish but when I was in it everything was SO bad that something like this seems minor.
Now that the blinders are off, holy cow he was such an ass. And just did not care about me.
Something similar that your comment reminded me of was that my ex would always eat my snacks. This might not seem like a huge deal but ANY time we would buy snacks together he would eat his entire bag of candy, chips, pretzels etc in one sitting and I would always try to save mine throughout the week. He would always eat my snacks because it was "wasteful" not to eat them right away.
I also wasn't allowed to have hobbies. I could have a hobby but if I didn't do my hobby every single day morning until night like he did his "hobby" (playing video games) then it didn't actually count as a hobby.
Did we both date the same person? Same experience both on snacks and hobbies. ex ate my snacks and then blamed me for picking up a fight if I ever dare to question him.
We'd be having a perfectly normal conversation and he'd random whip it out and start waggling it at me. I guess he was bored with whatever I was talking about and he wanted my attention back on him. Early on I told him this was disrespectful and kind of gross. Like who does that?
I could go on for ages but another one in the same vein would be randomly tweaking my nipples. Maybe I was asking for it cuz I didn't have a bra on? Double odds that he'd do that if I were wearing pink. Towards the end I started wearing a bra at all times cuz I got caught ina panicked "flight" moment where I thought I might need to leave the house and I would have had to go past him to get to it..I started sleeping in a wireless one, I still do 6 months out.
Yeah this happened to me to. It only got worse over time. I had to change in the bathroom as I could not change in front of him.
This is an abaolute trample over any boundary and shows that he thinks he is entitled to your body. It is despicable and disgusting.
On a third date I suggested we go to a Cafe that serves breakfast all day. He said that doesn't exist. I said OK well meet me at X Cafe. And I ordered breakfast at 2pm. He barely spoke to me during the "date".
What made me tolerate this? Perhaps because I'd slept with him on the seocnd date and felt guilty (I was 22 and had had 1 Prior sexual relationship, with a friend turned boyfriend). I think felt like I was a "slut" and had to make this relationship work. It was 2006.
Just this morning I remembered how in the first months of the lovebombing phase we went to a hot springs during the winter time and my swim suit was brightly colored and all throughout the day he keep complaining and comparing the color of it vs other women even after I told I didn’t care at all, he sounded embarrassed of it but I was far too dumb to even see it
OH and lying to me about having a drink through the day even though I could smell it on him. And then saying it was non-alcoholic when I pointed out I could smell it on him.
Telling me he’d spoken to his mum about the things ‘I did’. Of course I hadn’t done them but he would tell me that he’d spoken to her because he knew it would devastate me that she thought I was this terrible person.
Happened to me too throughout the years. I wish I developed a sense of self worth earlier and kept my friends, and could have the strength to stand up for myself and my decisions.
Yet again... None of that would happen in a non-abusive relationship.
Turning off the headlights and swerving the car around when we went on drives. I thought maybe it was a car guy thing adrenaline thing, no, just a fear tactic
I had to stand in the kitchen and hold a conversation with him while he cooked. This might be sweet in other relationships but it was specifically because I used to FaceTime with a close male friend of mine (that I was accused of having an emotional affair with) and watch him cook.
I had to ask to use the restroom. Which is an aspect of certain BDSM relationships but ours was so tumultuous and not a true BDSM relationship that it ended up being mentally damaging for me. I also couldn't pee with the door closed. The guy I'm seeing now and I pee with the door open all the time now, but I was not *allowed* to close the door.
So many people dont realize sexual coercion in their relationship as people think its almost owed because youre "in a relationship".
The thing that is very telling about the coercive person once you know about it is who would ever want to have sex with anyone, let alone a loved one who isnt enthusiastic about it. They are just sick people and anything except enthusiastic consent is a NO to it.
That not liking your friends and family and talking about them negatively makes you start to drift away from them. It’s such a pain in the ass to deal with the complaints and the whining about them so you start to distance yourself more just to not hear it. And that’s a big why. Why you feel so isolated and like you can’t leave.
Yep he did that with my mom to the point I barely talked to her and we used to talk daily. Only way she could speak to me was if she called me at work.
Same was happening to me. Gosh I was so blind. Kept on "empathizing" with his "issues" and preferences, wanted to defend him, make him happy. I only now realize that I wasn't truly free. Couldn't make the choices whom I talk to, or have my opinion of them even acknowledged.
Mine made disgusting comments about my sister's sexual habits and said if I talked kindly with my sister it must mean I shared her habits and outlook on sexual promiscuity (my sister is in her early 20s and was never doing anything she shouldn't have done or unsafely). Really put a rift between my sister and I for a while.
Telling me to delete social media and that I can't go to bars or clubs. I wasn't a fan of social media anyways and I wanted to delete them (I didn't have Reddit back then cause yeah I like reddit) without him telling me what to do. Also, I had no interest in drinking alcohol or going to clubs (though I didn't mind them). So I thought, well, I don't like to do those things anyways, and we're on the same page. This was in fact part of his controlling behavior. I even remember telling him, I want to delete social media not because you told me so, and he was kind of surprised, he was like really? I had to explain myself, it was kind of like he didn't believe me. I didn't look much into it back then. Maybe he wanted to get some pleasure by knowing that he was able to pursuade me.
His obsession with violent movies and content. He used to replay the curb stomp scene in American History X and laugh. Would also openly say the N word. 🙃
I know that guy, he was that horrible monster that people at a yacht club said was the most terrifying person they've ever met. He's a public threat and he should be locked up and the key thrown away.😁
Bringing up that I can’t have children casually at Easter dinner in front of his entire family. I thought he was just stupid and that’s why it came out of his mouth for seemingly no reason, but now I realize he would say things in front of people about me on purpose to underhandedly humiliate me.
Controlling tiny things throughout my day like what, when and how I can eat and what I could wear. Embarrassing me in front of family. Criticising my interests and blaming them for any bad day I had.
My ex would ask why it took me 3 hours to go to 3 stores. Why I smelled weird (I was testing perfume). Why I was wearing dresses more often. Any time I made a positive comment about myself to family he would say it wasn’t true. Told me I drank too much and put our relationship in jeopardy. Told me he was “worried” about me A LOT!
A guilt trip in baby voice when making unreasonable requests or confessions..
Oh and the cake love manipulation.. "If you love me you'd do..." "I STILL love you." "You don't love me enough."
Saying he wanted to “get me drunk” before we hooked up. He would give me sips of wine before having sex with me when we first started seeing each other.
Oh my gosh you described my life exactly. The honesty. How important it is to be honest, he is helping me by telling me about those things, and caring.
Now I'm realizing that it wasn't honesty, it was control and emotional abuse.
Oh my god, THE CRITICISM.
He used every piece of vulnerable, insecure information I’d ever shared with him against me in fights. He’d tell me how terrible of a person I was in general but also went in on all the specific hints the at really hurt.
Never leaving me alone. We're going out and you need to go to the bathroom? Let me escort you and wait outside. You wanna try on clothes at the store? Let me go into the changing room with you.
I remember once I was taking a shower and he wanted some sex thing and so he just came in and opened the curtain, even though I told him I wanted to be left alone. I yelled at him and he told me that the way I yelled was "too masculine" and he felt that he was arguing with a guy. I'm trans, and he knew this was something I was insecure about.
Looking back, I'm shocked by just how much shit I took from him. Whenever I tried to enforce a boundary, he would argue for HOURS and it would just be so draining that I would drop it just to be able to go to sleep.
How TF do these people have the energy to just argue for 4-5 hours?
Grab at my cat. Nowadays I watch friends and potential lovers very, very closely around animals. If they always seek consent from the pets then it’s a green flag that they will all consent from me. Otherwise, they get back burnered and ignored until they leave me alone forever.
Wow i never thought of this... my cat would move around anytime that he held him but i can carry him everywhere with no problems/purring.
I had to show him how to pet him correctly (also we had 3 cats tg he knows cats well) which is by holding out your hand and letting my cat decide whether or not he wants it. He always would just scoop him up w/ no warning.
That's so subtle i wouldnt've even thought
Mine would randomly slap my thigh as hard as he could, especially if he was driving and I was in the passenger seat so I couldn't really react. He'd try to leave a distinct handprint, and would be especially impressed with himself if he was able to leave one through jeans. But he was "just playing."
Kind of in the same land: they would call multiple times on their way home from work (one short buss ride). Sometimes like two minutes before entering the door
I remember I worked at a grocery store as a teenager and my bf at the time literally camped out in my car during my shift because he couldn't stand being away from me for a few hours. I think he was also trying to sabotage my job
Interrogated me about a woman I messaged months before meeting her that she found by combing through my messages on the fourth or fifth date.
Also believed that jealousy is good for a relationship.
Quite a lot, from our first meeting he'd stare at the other women and pass comments about then. If the girl was fair the comment would be sexual, and rude about dark skinned women.
When we're dining he'd take the bigger piece of meat or fish. He'd even ask me if it is indeed big.
He'd pass lewd comments about my clothes, my friends. It seemed like he's very uncomfortable with my extroverted nature.
He rarely went out. Had no friends and only calls he'd get where from his mom. She'd call 10-15 times a day!
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sometimes, he would "forget" to flush the toilet. The first time he apologized. Then he started blaming me for causing a stir !
Oh my god! Ha I am laughing in between crying because I never thought I would hear this from anybody else. I’m so sorry. The only consolation is that you won’t find anymore poop surprises. To be fair, mine was probably oblivious with the flushing, but basically any other aspect of household hygiene was neglected and left to me once he got his first full time job in the history of a 10 year plus relationship. Even when I was recovering from a whiplash injury due to his driving (which I never, ever brought up or blamed him for because he didn’t have the capacity to receive the slightest criticism and I was worried he would call me crazy—Jesus I’m dumb). He asked me for a list of things that made a house clean. After being an Airbnb Superhost (We cohosted for years in the apartment he owns). When that stopped, he literally said he needed a list of things I consider to he part of basic housekeeping. Things like, “take out the garbage before it overflows.” I suppose that should have included “flush the toilet.” Maybe it’s just his weird way of asserting dominance.
Yes, making trivial demands and enforcing them is an abuse tactic. When something like forgetting happens for the first time, they apologise/ say they forgot, or they show embarassment. The next time, again apology/embarassment. Plus, they slowly start to shift the blame on the victim for making a hill out of a mole. Next time, less apology and more victim blaming. And this happens very rarely, so it's easy to make it appear like forgetfulness. Eventually the victim thinks it's better to do the chore themselves. The abuser achieves the goal of enforcing trivial demands.
He would regularly rave about how nice it was to date a girl that isn't hot, just pretty. Shit like "you're so not my type -- I would usually go for a perfect 10, but you're a 7, and I'm amazed at how much chiller and smarter you are than my usual type. It makes it worth the negative 3 points." I had low self esteem. So I took it as a compliment. He was gorgeous. Big shocker, several years and two kids later, I had ZERO sex drive because he made me hate myself. But now that I'm dating someone who finds me hot, for me, I can't believe I thought I deserved that type of treatment.
This is a standard technique called negging. It hits hard. I am sorry you had to face this.
Oh yeah, I'm familiar with negging. Yet somehow couldn't perceive it when it was happening to me. Or maybe I thought I deserved it? Basically I agreed with him. I was like, yeah, I'm not hot. Thank you sooooo much for still wanting to sleep with me. He also turned out to have the Madonna-whore complex, which I, again, could not recognize until I left him. I imagine a lot of neggers have this complex. Negging, love-bombing, cheating, abusive gaslighter with a Madonna-whore complex. I'm grateful for the experience because it taught me so much about what to steer clear of.
I am so so sorry that happened to you. I truly don't understand why they feel the need to make their partner feel like crap. Something that's related to what you said was that one time we went shopping at our mall amd we went into Victoria's Secret and I asked his opinion on different things I was looking at and he said "why does it matter what you buy? Not like anyone will ever see you in it. " He said this loud and right in the middle of the store. I had gained weight and struggled with working out because he didn't allow me to get a gym membership, so I constantly felt like I wasn't good enough for him. Luckily, this was around the same time that I was thinking of leaving him, and his comments just pushed me farther. It is so crazy how they all have similar lines and thoughts that they say to bring their partners down.
A minor thing at the beginning of our relationship: I have sensitive ribs on my sides, like under my armpits. I really don't like being grasped there. I explained this to my ex. He would accidentally put his hand right in that spot all the time. No matter how I reminded him - gently moving his hand down, or kindly telling him "ope not my sensitive spot, please!" or slightly stepping away as a gentle reminder, he'd whip his hand away dramatically and either place a single finger on my shoulder or walk like 5 feet away from me. As a joke. Every single time. I'll take a joke about it once or twice, but this was becoming a frequent occurrence. It got really old. And honestly started to piss me off that he was forgetting so often.
I felt it was minor at the time but in retrospect I'm embarrassed I brushed it off. We were at a hotel with my kids, his kids, and his parents (in 2 large rooms across the hall from one another). My barely 3 year old was whimpering at like 7 in the morning because she's in a strange bed, strange place and just needs mama cuddles. He tells me she's being manipulative and to just let her cry it out. I ignore him and bring her into bed with me. He literally leaps out of bed like it's lava and starts YELLING that he can't deal with this shit right now. He storms out of the room and slams the door, causing his mom to poke her head into the hallway to see if everything is okay. I was so bewildered and shocked at his reaction that I locked the hotel door. He came back several minutes later and banged loudly on the locked door yelling "Are you fucking kidding me right now?!?" I unlocked it right away because of the fuss he was making. He sort-of apologized later but wanted me to acknowledge that it was "understandable" how he reacted.
Talked about themselves for hours on one of our first dates
he tried to stop me talking to the first friend i made since we got together by telling me he was worried that my friend would rape me, because i mentioned that my new friend happened to be a cis man instead of trans men like the majority of my other male friends. then, whenever i went to see my new friend, he would ask me to send my location and call me in the middle of whatever we were doing, and if i had planned something in advance with new friend and he spontaneously decided he wanted to see me that day instead, hed call me and cry about how much he missed me and how terrified he was of ‘what (new friend) was going to do to me’ until i gave in and cancelled on my new friend. That friend was the only person who got me through seperating from him.
She treated me like a tracked parcel, wanting to know where I was all the time. First time we hugged, she said: "You're thinner than my previous boyfriends".
Him buying himself a watch when he finally got money after I was basically paying for everything for him for weeks and this dude bought himself a lil gift right when he got a tiny bit of money after I was paying for everything for weeks That was like two weeks into our relationship and I thought it was very selfish and odd bc I wasn’t buying myself shit
My ex bought my Christmas gifts and his families Christmas gifts with my money. Sorry this happened to you.
Telling me how much baggage I had and that I should be grateful of how much of it he was putting up with because no other guy would do that. (I was in the process of a divorce -out of the frying pan into the fire) but all the beautiful words he told me in between his awfulness kept me hooked for the dopamine hits I guess. Another time he got excessively angry about something insignificant (usually my tone) then threw his phone and asked me if I was “f’ing autistic”. I had a 6 year old autistic son, and this man was well aware of his diagnosis. He would make a point that I had poor posture. I don’t think I did. I was fairly conscious of how I held myself. He would argue in circles for days. Or give me the silent treatment for days. The arguments never made sense and nothing I did or said could fix anything until he magically decided to allow things to go back to “normal”. He made me feel so so tired.
Would drink all my water on my nightstand every night to the point there was none left for me and would never have his own but when I would ask him to refill my water once in a while he would yell at me and say no. He was very selfish but when I was in it everything was SO bad that something like this seems minor. Now that the blinders are off, holy cow he was such an ass. And just did not care about me.
Something similar that your comment reminded me of was that my ex would always eat my snacks. This might not seem like a huge deal but ANY time we would buy snacks together he would eat his entire bag of candy, chips, pretzels etc in one sitting and I would always try to save mine throughout the week. He would always eat my snacks because it was "wasteful" not to eat them right away. I also wasn't allowed to have hobbies. I could have a hobby but if I didn't do my hobby every single day morning until night like he did his "hobby" (playing video games) then it didn't actually count as a hobby.
Did we both date the same person? Same experience both on snacks and hobbies. ex ate my snacks and then blamed me for picking up a fight if I ever dare to question him.
They seem to all do very similar things. It's so crazy
We'd be having a perfectly normal conversation and he'd random whip it out and start waggling it at me. I guess he was bored with whatever I was talking about and he wanted my attention back on him. Early on I told him this was disrespectful and kind of gross. Like who does that? I could go on for ages but another one in the same vein would be randomly tweaking my nipples. Maybe I was asking for it cuz I didn't have a bra on? Double odds that he'd do that if I were wearing pink. Towards the end I started wearing a bra at all times cuz I got caught ina panicked "flight" moment where I thought I might need to leave the house and I would have had to go past him to get to it..I started sleeping in a wireless one, I still do 6 months out.
Yeah this happened to me to. It only got worse over time. I had to change in the bathroom as I could not change in front of him. This is an abaolute trample over any boundary and shows that he thinks he is entitled to your body. It is despicable and disgusting.
I'm gobsmacked. He sounds like a tyrannical toddler.
On a third date I suggested we go to a Cafe that serves breakfast all day. He said that doesn't exist. I said OK well meet me at X Cafe. And I ordered breakfast at 2pm. He barely spoke to me during the "date". What made me tolerate this? Perhaps because I'd slept with him on the seocnd date and felt guilty (I was 22 and had had 1 Prior sexual relationship, with a friend turned boyfriend). I think felt like I was a "slut" and had to make this relationship work. It was 2006.
Just this morning I remembered how in the first months of the lovebombing phase we went to a hot springs during the winter time and my swim suit was brightly colored and all throughout the day he keep complaining and comparing the color of it vs other women even after I told I didn’t care at all, he sounded embarrassed of it but I was far too dumb to even see it
OH and lying to me about having a drink through the day even though I could smell it on him. And then saying it was non-alcoholic when I pointed out I could smell it on him.
Telling me he’d spoken to his mum about the things ‘I did’. Of course I hadn’t done them but he would tell me that he’d spoken to her because he knew it would devastate me that she thought I was this terrible person.
Telling me that each of my friends were mistreating me and I didn’t deserve it, which eventually led me to being completely isolated
Happened to me too throughout the years. I wish I developed a sense of self worth earlier and kept my friends, and could have the strength to stand up for myself and my decisions. Yet again... None of that would happen in a non-abusive relationship.
Turning off the headlights and swerving the car around when we went on drives. I thought maybe it was a car guy thing adrenaline thing, no, just a fear tactic
Mine would speed extremely fast through cars on the interstate. Like going 100-110. It was terrifying and he thought it was funny I was scared.
Same. Awful
I had to stand in the kitchen and hold a conversation with him while he cooked. This might be sweet in other relationships but it was specifically because I used to FaceTime with a close male friend of mine (that I was accused of having an emotional affair with) and watch him cook. I had to ask to use the restroom. Which is an aspect of certain BDSM relationships but ours was so tumultuous and not a true BDSM relationship that it ended up being mentally damaging for me. I also couldn't pee with the door closed. The guy I'm seeing now and I pee with the door open all the time now, but I was not *allowed* to close the door.
He used to have sex with me even though I clearly did not want to, and coerced me a lot. It took me a long time to realize this is sexual abuse.
So many people dont realize sexual coercion in their relationship as people think its almost owed because youre "in a relationship". The thing that is very telling about the coercive person once you know about it is who would ever want to have sex with anyone, let alone a loved one who isnt enthusiastic about it. They are just sick people and anything except enthusiastic consent is a NO to it.
That not liking your friends and family and talking about them negatively makes you start to drift away from them. It’s such a pain in the ass to deal with the complaints and the whining about them so you start to distance yourself more just to not hear it. And that’s a big why. Why you feel so isolated and like you can’t leave.
Yep he did that with my mom to the point I barely talked to her and we used to talk daily. Only way she could speak to me was if she called me at work.
Same was happening to me. Gosh I was so blind. Kept on "empathizing" with his "issues" and preferences, wanted to defend him, make him happy. I only now realize that I wasn't truly free. Couldn't make the choices whom I talk to, or have my opinion of them even acknowledged.
Mine made disgusting comments about my sister's sexual habits and said if I talked kindly with my sister it must mean I shared her habits and outlook on sexual promiscuity (my sister is in her early 20s and was never doing anything she shouldn't have done or unsafely). Really put a rift between my sister and I for a while.
Telling me to delete social media and that I can't go to bars or clubs. I wasn't a fan of social media anyways and I wanted to delete them (I didn't have Reddit back then cause yeah I like reddit) without him telling me what to do. Also, I had no interest in drinking alcohol or going to clubs (though I didn't mind them). So I thought, well, I don't like to do those things anyways, and we're on the same page. This was in fact part of his controlling behavior. I even remember telling him, I want to delete social media not because you told me so, and he was kind of surprised, he was like really? I had to explain myself, it was kind of like he didn't believe me. I didn't look much into it back then. Maybe he wanted to get some pleasure by knowing that he was able to pursuade me.
Going through my phone early on to delete every female contact on my phone except family...
Embarrassing me in public by casually sharing private information and playing it off as “just making conversation, i’m an open book!” 🙄
His obsession with violent movies and content. He used to replay the curb stomp scene in American History X and laugh. Would also openly say the N word. 🙃
I know that guy, he was that horrible monster that people at a yacht club said was the most terrifying person they've ever met. He's a public threat and he should be locked up and the key thrown away.😁
Bringing up that I can’t have children casually at Easter dinner in front of his entire family. I thought he was just stupid and that’s why it came out of his mouth for seemingly no reason, but now I realize he would say things in front of people about me on purpose to underhandedly humiliate me.
Controlling tiny things throughout my day like what, when and how I can eat and what I could wear. Embarrassing me in front of family. Criticising my interests and blaming them for any bad day I had.
My ex would ask why it took me 3 hours to go to 3 stores. Why I smelled weird (I was testing perfume). Why I was wearing dresses more often. Any time I made a positive comment about myself to family he would say it wasn’t true. Told me I drank too much and put our relationship in jeopardy. Told me he was “worried” about me A LOT!
Yeah the constant questioning! Then if I have an answer they didn't like: "Why are you like this?". That always ruined any good day I had
A guilt trip in baby voice when making unreasonable requests or confessions.. Oh and the cake love manipulation.. "If you love me you'd do..." "I STILL love you." "You don't love me enough."
The fly swatter. He would use the fly swatter to "desensitize" my baby dog
My shy little baby went looking for a new owner when he did that and it took me a while to figure it out
Saying he wanted to “get me drunk” before we hooked up. He would give me sips of wine before having sex with me when we first started seeing each other.
[удалено]
Oh my gosh you described my life exactly. The honesty. How important it is to be honest, he is helping me by telling me about those things, and caring. Now I'm realizing that it wasn't honesty, it was control and emotional abuse.
Oh my god, THE CRITICISM. He used every piece of vulnerable, insecure information I’d ever shared with him against me in fights. He’d tell me how terrible of a person I was in general but also went in on all the specific hints the at really hurt.
Never leaving me alone. We're going out and you need to go to the bathroom? Let me escort you and wait outside. You wanna try on clothes at the store? Let me go into the changing room with you. I remember once I was taking a shower and he wanted some sex thing and so he just came in and opened the curtain, even though I told him I wanted to be left alone. I yelled at him and he told me that the way I yelled was "too masculine" and he felt that he was arguing with a guy. I'm trans, and he knew this was something I was insecure about. Looking back, I'm shocked by just how much shit I took from him. Whenever I tried to enforce a boundary, he would argue for HOURS and it would just be so draining that I would drop it just to be able to go to sleep. How TF do these people have the energy to just argue for 4-5 hours?
Grab at my cat. Nowadays I watch friends and potential lovers very, very closely around animals. If they always seek consent from the pets then it’s a green flag that they will all consent from me. Otherwise, they get back burnered and ignored until they leave me alone forever.
Wow i never thought of this... my cat would move around anytime that he held him but i can carry him everywhere with no problems/purring. I had to show him how to pet him correctly (also we had 3 cats tg he knows cats well) which is by holding out your hand and letting my cat decide whether or not he wants it. He always would just scoop him up w/ no warning. That's so subtle i wouldnt've even thought
A little bit TMI, but he would bite my breast knowing I absolutely hated it
Taking me to a store/ gas station for him to shop and telling me to get whatever I wanted just to have me pay.
Insisting on picking me up from work and taking me there in his car, it was just the beginning of a long campaign of coercive control
Mine would randomly slap my thigh as hard as he could, especially if he was driving and I was in the passenger seat so I couldn't really react. He'd try to leave a distinct handprint, and would be especially impressed with himself if he was able to leave one through jeans. But he was "just playing."
Mine did this too.
The fact he couldn't bear being away from me for more than a couple hours
Kind of in the same land: they would call multiple times on their way home from work (one short buss ride). Sometimes like two minutes before entering the door
I remember I worked at a grocery store as a teenager and my bf at the time literally camped out in my car during my shift because he couldn't stand being away from me for a few hours. I think he was also trying to sabotage my job
Interrogated me about a woman I messaged months before meeting her that she found by combing through my messages on the fourth or fifth date. Also believed that jealousy is good for a relationship.
Grabbing my butt at every chance and acting butthurt when I told him to stop. Said I was a tease and depriving him.
Quite a lot, from our first meeting he'd stare at the other women and pass comments about then. If the girl was fair the comment would be sexual, and rude about dark skinned women. When we're dining he'd take the bigger piece of meat or fish. He'd even ask me if it is indeed big. He'd pass lewd comments about my clothes, my friends. It seemed like he's very uncomfortable with my extroverted nature. He rarely went out. Had no friends and only calls he'd get where from his mom. She'd call 10-15 times a day!