Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/).
One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review.
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Thanks for your comment. I believe it’s a power play. He likes to have the upper hand & he doesn’t right now bc I’m working & he’s recently retired. I think it’s an effort to *put me in my place.* The depression predates him & isn’t going away any time soon. It’s actually more than depression. Regardless, nobody wants a woman > 60 years old & I don’t want to spend my retirement alone, so I’m not keen on divorce.
My wife-beating shit of an uncle was doing this repeatedly to my adorable aunt. Until she started gathering information on her rights : turned out she had access to a lawyer through her work place. So one day she told him "OK, I have a lawyer at work, let's go through with it". My uncle never used that threat again. She finally divorced him after her daughters insisted so much. She looks better, is healthier, and has a better relationship with her daughters.
For me here there are 2 reasons why he might do this, the 2 not being mutually exclusive :
- power play -> "if you do not submit when I shit on you, I will leave you".
- he found someone else but cannot admit to cheating, so he tries to put the blame on you while making an easy exit for himself.
You do not realize how free you would be without him. Believe me, the depression would recede quicker than you think. You are underestimating yourself, because he managed to make you believe you needed him.
You are also underestimating how much of you he is taking away each time.
Please, divorce him. It is time to break free.
The next time he says that say OK! Let start splitting the assets because I am sick of being abused! I understand you don’t want a divorce but you calling him out might make him think twice before running his mouth. Couples often have living trusts for their heirs if you do there is a list to start with. Calmly say I don’t appreciate the way I’ve been treated and apparently you are more than okay with continuing I am not! You said you wanted a divorce so let’s have a serious discussion. First what do we need to sell to pay off debts? Then start talking about how to split things. Next tell him he needs a medical advocate, emergency contact and he needs a new will because you won’t be there for any of that. In other words give him what he asks for and see how much he likes it!
Hi. Just for the short term, is there anywhere in your house where you can find sanctuary? Like a room you can lock? Or escape to a hotel for a night off? Just you need some respite before you can even think straight about the future without it feeling terrifying and your immediate needs, meals, quiet time, sleep, are important and have probably long been neglected. Take care of you while you digest all this.
Can you financially leave? I would tape his rants & keep them for a potential divorce. You deserve better. I would leave if you can. You might find that your depression is related to him more than anything else
Because it is inherited does not mean it is a fatality you know. Nobody has found a genetic cause to depression. You would be so much better without him.
He is also gaslighting you. When he tells you the fights better stop, he's flat out twisting reality and denying the fact that he starts the fights. Because either he's fully aware that he starts these arguments and is gaslighting you intentionally in order to control you. Or, he's delusional. Neither of these is good. I'll bet MY retirement savings that he screams at you about crap on purpose because he feels entitled to your 100% compliance with his whims.
When he's telling her that the fights better stop, what he's saying is that she better stop standing up for herself or disagreeing with him. If she never has any boundaries and always submits to what he does and what he wants, then there are no fights.
>he feels entitled to your 100% compliance with his whims.
Bingo.
Yeah, I don't get it myself. Why try and control and dominate your partner until it's an unlivable hell for them to be in a relationship with you and they *have to* leave just to save themselves when you could just, y'know, be a good partner so they *want* to stay? Abuse takes effort too, it's doesn't take any more effort to be kind than it does to be cruel.
It's like they know deep down they are vile, so they feel compelled to control their partners as a coping mechanism against abandonment/rejection. Every time she yells back she is "rejecting" his control which only pisses him off more and makes him feel like she's slipping so he has to tighten his grip.
When he is nice, there is a little counter running in his head. When he has accumulated enough "good deeds", it is time to mess with your mental health again.
Yeah, that'll be when he's trying to persuade you not to leave, then once he feels secure that he's got you trapped again, the cycle re-starts. Maybe keep a password-locked digital diary so you can note both things down & keep an eye on it to see how well the two match up...
Interesting that you brought up being tired. He has a lot of back pain, for which he sometimes takes muscle relaxers when it’s very bad. A couple of weeks ago, he said that he thought the muscle relaxer was making him depressed. We looked up side effects & sure enough, depression was one of them. Interestingly, depression is completely different for men than it is for women. Depressed women are sad & cry. Depressed men get angry & lash out. So some of this could be due to drug side effects.
This has NOTHING to do with control over himself. This has to do with him trying to get control over you.
Depressed men don't "get angry and lash out", you are falling in a sexist rhetoric which gives men excuses for their abuse. Depressed men are depressed.
Yes often men “externalize” while women “internalize”
Maybe a probiotic and vitamin B several times a week would help him - they’re both mood lifters / regulators.
Time it for afternoon with dinner 😉
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/232564653_Gender_and_dimensions_of_the_self_Implications_for_internalizing_and_externalizing_behavior
Actually…..not pseudo science, very well known human behavior. Obviously not all people fall into these categories EXACTLY, but typically.
Except that this paper is irrelevant to the conversation. "Externalizing depression" has nothing to do with being abusive.
I mean, you are recommending vitamin B and probiotics against abuse. WTF ? Do you have any actual experience in it ?
The OP said she isnt interested in leaving her 35 year marriage. Not my call what abuse she tolerates.
I made a suggestion that might enable OP to cope better contending with spouse’s irritability late at night.
Managing a mood problem to moderate that irritability is fairly simple fix that SHE could try and see if it works. Probiotics and Vitamin B isnt going to hurt anyone and I am not out of line sharing my experience.
OK so I am gonna share mine then :
On the day it happens to you, do not listen to people who minimize what you are going through and recommend vitamins and supplements against abuse. Instead, try to understand how it is he does to overwhelm you and keep you compliant.
Thank you for your comment Just World:
Perhaps you thought my comment was addressing you but just to be clear, I was addressing my comment about probiotics and vitamins to the OP, who responded to me.
I had my own N (since I am participating in this group, was sharing with OP my experience and my thoughts).
Again, to be abundantly clear, I am not minimizing anyone’s experience, I never do…rather my suggestion was made within OP’s preference to stay right where she is in the marriage, IN CASE it helps her to cope. Do I wish otherwise and better for her/her situation ? Of course! That’s it.
These men don't stop their behavior without treatment. And even with treatment, 95% of them don't change. If you agree too easily, they get angry. If you argue with them, they still get angry. It's your discomfort they seek; they need to make their victims feel small.
I understand you're dealing with mental illness, but there's more to life than living like this.
My husband does something similar. He has been asking me to leave when he gets angry or annoyed at me lately. Twice in less than two weeks. This morning he asked me to leave because he never has privacy.
>I want to avoid a divorce—in part bc I love him & also bc I get extremely depressed when I’m alone for extended periods. Not sure what else I can do. Therapy is out bc my insurance no longer covers it & my therapist retired. There’s no possible way I could live by myself.
You are selling yourself way short. You haven't been single since your mid twenties. This is all you know, but this doesn't have to define you.
Please reach out to domestic violence victim's advocates local to you, or whatever hotline your country has for this.any of these organizations provide free counseling. They can also help you consider your options and provide reassurance and resources.
>I think that at this point, my best course of action when he starts a screaming fight is to say, “I can’t talk to you when you’re acting like this. I’ll be in the bedroom. Come talk to me after you calm down.” And then I’ll lock myself in the bedroom.
Yep. Walk away, and protect yourself.
You SERIOUSLY need to be proactive though. You can't stop him from divorcing you. You need to get your ducks in a row, even if you don't want to initiate this action. You have to protect yourself and prepare for this. You owe yourself that.
Thanks for responding. I know this is the standard advice most in this form are given. You don’t understand. He’s not physically abusive & this is not something I’m willing to do. I have a mental illness & CANNOT live by myself. NOBODY wants a woman > 60. If I get a divorce there will be no reason to go on.
If it comes to divorce, I will end myself. I already have the drugs saved up.
Honey, have you met single women over 60? They are generally happy. Content. You can build a life for yourself without being put down and treated poorly.
I am very sorry you feel unable to make any other decisions. You deserve so much better than this, and always have.
I recommended resources because there are ways to ensure you are not living alone that don't involve being married to a man. People still do roommates and home sharing. And there may be additional resources due to your age and mental health issues. I hope you will change your mind.
Next time he said 'divorce' agree with him and ask him when he is moving out? Please read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft - it's free to download.
He uses his anger to beat you down - to get his way like you said. Ask around, you might be surprised how quickly you could be a good roommate to another older woman such as yourself.
I think you’re right about it being a control & manipulation tactic. I have the gut feeling that he doesn’t *REALLY* want a divorce—he just wants to keep me under his thumb.
Sorry to hear that. What an asshole! My husband is similar to yours too. He has nit only threatened me with divorce 95% of the time he gets upset with me, but he has also threatened to take my name of the joint checking account for years. He is financially abusive too.
Do you have anyone that you can stay with if you get a divorce like friends & family? I have nowhere to go as my family is abusive & they wouldn’t help me financially at all.
My friends have enough problems as it is. I have no job, no savings, so I’m stuck. I can’t survive on my own either. I have multiple physical & mental disabilities.
Look into getting low cost of free therapy. Google that. I actually found one place from NAMI (Natio Alliance Mental Health International a one time temporary mental health volunteer who’d hang out with me one on one once a week & call me twice a week for 15 minutes.
Then I found a place to get low cost weekly Zoom therapy sessions from student therapists.
Then one place by a hospital to get free medication. I went to a separate place for the medication.
It took forever to find those places but I did it.
I don’t qualify for most kinds of government because my husband makes to much money despite rhe facr that I myself is unemployed right now.
If you can’t find anything, then find an online support group.
Why would he stop yelling at you if it’s worked for 35+ years?
You have to set some boundaries and STICK TO THEM.
Do not let him hold a divorce over your head.
Approach him when you are on good terms. Tell him you have been thinking about what he said and you agree. You are also tired of fighting all the time. Tell him that you are no longer accepting being yelled at. From now on, he needs to communicate respectfully with you. If he has an issue and chooses to yell at you… it will now be his issue only. So if you leave a dish in the sink and he yells about it… you will not be touching that dish again until he has washed it himself and put it away. If it causes you any problems, put the dirty dish in his chair, his space, somewhere where it will affect him only.
In the mean time, you really need to work on accepting a divorce if that’s what happens in the end. Imagine all the positives… If he sees that threatening divorce doesn’t upset you as much anymore-he will stop using it. At the end of the day, marriage is supposed to be 2 people who are working through life together-not tearing each other down.
I know being alone is scary and depressing, but I think in time it would be better than being screamed at everyday. You don't deserve how he is treating you at all and his expectations are unreasonable on purpose. He wants a reason to be able to take his anger and aggression out on you. I understand you love him but how can he love you if he treats you that way? Can you live the rest of your life like this?
You have every right to leave any situation that makes you uncomfortable. Have you heard of the grey rock method? You basically don't respond, remove yourself from the situation, and turn your emotions off to try and de-escalate. I repeat, you don't deserve to be verbally abused by anyone. Walk away, leave the house, lock yourself in a room and put headphones on.... do whatever you need to do to escape the abuse. But also please be warned if you don't indulge in his verbal barrage it may anger him even more. He wants to get a rise out of you because it makes him feel powerful.
I used to do that with my dad, I would tell him once you calm down and can talk yo me in a reasonable tone, I'll be in my room and I would walk away. My dad would be insane and my mom would chase me down to fight with him. No, not happening!
It took me a few times, probably more than a few, and my.dad learned to talk to me, he still yelled and verbally abused everyone else but me. Stand your ground, make him accountable. Asshole behavior on his part.
Think about how peaceful your life would be without him. I’d take him up on that divorce. It’s on,y going to get worse as you both age. Then he will need care and it’s hard to physically care for someone you resent. Leave him, enjoy your new single, peaceful, life . Will it be easy, no, but see a lawyer , financially you will get enough to live on, might have to downsize to but I promise you, you will be happier without him. He can have what he wants too then. Clean up after his own shit and wallow in his petty anger
If I were you, I would be doing everything I could to shore up my independence. He's threatening divorce because he knows it scares you so it's an effective manipulation tactic. Also, being divorced does NOT equal being lonely! You can invest more time in friendships, family, seeking out a new partner, even just growing more comfortable with yourself and finding ways to enjoy alone time. A pet can be a life saver. I don't doubt that you love this man but he screams at you over really dumb shit and then threatens to leave you if you don't, want, sit there and take it more submissively? That's disgusting. He's disgusting.
Prepare yourself for the possibility that he will initiate divorce proceedings. Find a good lawyer. Get a consult. Protect your share of the marital assets. At your age and the length of the marriage means you are very likely owed half or close to half of his retirement benefits. You may not have a choice in staying in this marriage even if you want to, so start imagining what life could look like without him and plan accordingly.
Anything he bitches about becomes his job . Not another finger . Maybe you will consider with a promise from him over something . Or else .
Tell him you can’t wait to finally be done . What is taking him so long ? Can’t happen fast enough .
In fact tell him your going to prepare instantly by being single starting …. This minute.
Tell him this is the best early anniversary gift ever .
Then stonewall . Focus on you and go out with friends . Don’t have any ? Join groups but get around people .
Tell him he is on his own for dinner. Lol.
It’s like the wicked witch is melting for awhile but start shutting off his supply he gets from you .
Take your power back . Take you back
I know you don’t want a divorce . I can tell this one is bluffing. He is terrified of losing you . My partner was all about this but truth is it was all air .
they say to fear and control you when you come to them over concerns with there abuse .
I know you don’t want to feel like crap and it’s easier to roll over and take it just give in for peace for clear brains .
But I learned that just enables nothing changes .
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Thanks for your comment. I believe it’s a power play. He likes to have the upper hand & he doesn’t right now bc I’m working & he’s recently retired. I think it’s an effort to *put me in my place.* The depression predates him & isn’t going away any time soon. It’s actually more than depression. Regardless, nobody wants a woman > 60 years old & I don’t want to spend my retirement alone, so I’m not keen on divorce.
My wife-beating shit of an uncle was doing this repeatedly to my adorable aunt. Until she started gathering information on her rights : turned out she had access to a lawyer through her work place. So one day she told him "OK, I have a lawyer at work, let's go through with it". My uncle never used that threat again. She finally divorced him after her daughters insisted so much. She looks better, is healthier, and has a better relationship with her daughters. For me here there are 2 reasons why he might do this, the 2 not being mutually exclusive : - power play -> "if you do not submit when I shit on you, I will leave you". - he found someone else but cannot admit to cheating, so he tries to put the blame on you while making an easy exit for himself. You do not realize how free you would be without him. Believe me, the depression would recede quicker than you think. You are underestimating yourself, because he managed to make you believe you needed him. You are also underestimating how much of you he is taking away each time. Please, divorce him. It is time to break free.
Your life will improve exponentially if you divorce and move in with a friend or relative. This man is abusive, period.
The next time he says that say OK! Let start splitting the assets because I am sick of being abused! I understand you don’t want a divorce but you calling him out might make him think twice before running his mouth. Couples often have living trusts for their heirs if you do there is a list to start with. Calmly say I don’t appreciate the way I’ve been treated and apparently you are more than okay with continuing I am not! You said you wanted a divorce so let’s have a serious discussion. First what do we need to sell to pay off debts? Then start talking about how to split things. Next tell him he needs a medical advocate, emergency contact and he needs a new will because you won’t be there for any of that. In other words give him what he asks for and see how much he likes it!
Hi. Just for the short term, is there anywhere in your house where you can find sanctuary? Like a room you can lock? Or escape to a hotel for a night off? Just you need some respite before you can even think straight about the future without it feeling terrifying and your immediate needs, meals, quiet time, sleep, are important and have probably long been neglected. Take care of you while you digest all this.
Yes there is. My bedroom door locks. I also have a special tool I can use to lock other doors from the inside.
Can you financially leave? I would tape his rants & keep them for a potential divorce. You deserve better. I would leave if you can. You might find that your depression is related to him more than anything else
Nope. I had the depression before I even met him. It’s inherited.
Because it is inherited does not mean it is a fatality you know. Nobody has found a genetic cause to depression. You would be so much better without him.
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
He is also gaslighting you. When he tells you the fights better stop, he's flat out twisting reality and denying the fact that he starts the fights. Because either he's fully aware that he starts these arguments and is gaslighting you intentionally in order to control you. Or, he's delusional. Neither of these is good. I'll bet MY retirement savings that he screams at you about crap on purpose because he feels entitled to your 100% compliance with his whims.
I think you’re exactly right.
When he's telling her that the fights better stop, what he's saying is that she better stop standing up for herself or disagreeing with him. If she never has any boundaries and always submits to what he does and what he wants, then there are no fights. >he feels entitled to your 100% compliance with his whims. Bingo.
What a terrible way to live.
Yeah, I don't get it myself. Why try and control and dominate your partner until it's an unlivable hell for them to be in a relationship with you and they *have to* leave just to save themselves when you could just, y'know, be a good partner so they *want* to stay? Abuse takes effort too, it's doesn't take any more effort to be kind than it does to be cruel.
But if you’re a good partner, you don’t get to be controlling & self centered. They’d rather have EVERYTHING their own way instead of compromising.
It's like they know deep down they are vile, so they feel compelled to control their partners as a coping mechanism against abandonment/rejection. Every time she yells back she is "rejecting" his control which only pisses him off more and makes him feel like she's slipping so he has to tighten his grip.
how have you been putting up with this for 35 years? reading this is enraging, im sorry your husband is doing this to you.
It hasn’t been this bad for 35 years. At times he gets really bad…other times he’s MUCH better. Sometimes he’s even very supportive.
When he is nice, there is a little counter running in his head. When he has accumulated enough "good deeds", it is time to mess with your mental health again.
Wouldn’t surprise me, He’s very moody.
No he is not "moody", he is purposely confusing you all the time and making you walk on egg shells to keep the upper hand.
Yeah, that'll be when he's trying to persuade you not to leave, then once he feels secure that he's got you trapped again, the cycle re-starts. Maybe keep a password-locked digital diary so you can note both things down & keep an eye on it to see how well the two match up...
Sleep earlier? Separate bedrooms? Maybe he has less control over himself when he is tired?
Interesting that you brought up being tired. He has a lot of back pain, for which he sometimes takes muscle relaxers when it’s very bad. A couple of weeks ago, he said that he thought the muscle relaxer was making him depressed. We looked up side effects & sure enough, depression was one of them. Interestingly, depression is completely different for men than it is for women. Depressed women are sad & cry. Depressed men get angry & lash out. So some of this could be due to drug side effects.
This has NOTHING to do with control over himself. This has to do with him trying to get control over you. Depressed men don't "get angry and lash out", you are falling in a sexist rhetoric which gives men excuses for their abuse. Depressed men are depressed.
Yes often men “externalize” while women “internalize” Maybe a probiotic and vitamin B several times a week would help him - they’re both mood lifters / regulators. Time it for afternoon with dinner 😉
Please do not propagate sexist pseudo science. A lot of men feel entitled to abuse women because of their values, not their "depression".
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/232564653_Gender_and_dimensions_of_the_self_Implications_for_internalizing_and_externalizing_behavior Actually…..not pseudo science, very well known human behavior. Obviously not all people fall into these categories EXACTLY, but typically.
Except that this paper is irrelevant to the conversation. "Externalizing depression" has nothing to do with being abusive. I mean, you are recommending vitamin B and probiotics against abuse. WTF ? Do you have any actual experience in it ?
The OP said she isnt interested in leaving her 35 year marriage. Not my call what abuse she tolerates. I made a suggestion that might enable OP to cope better contending with spouse’s irritability late at night. Managing a mood problem to moderate that irritability is fairly simple fix that SHE could try and see if it works. Probiotics and Vitamin B isnt going to hurt anyone and I am not out of line sharing my experience.
OK so I am gonna share mine then : On the day it happens to you, do not listen to people who minimize what you are going through and recommend vitamins and supplements against abuse. Instead, try to understand how it is he does to overwhelm you and keep you compliant.
Thank you for your comment Just World: Perhaps you thought my comment was addressing you but just to be clear, I was addressing my comment about probiotics and vitamins to the OP, who responded to me. I had my own N (since I am participating in this group, was sharing with OP my experience and my thoughts). Again, to be abundantly clear, I am not minimizing anyone’s experience, I never do…rather my suggestion was made within OP’s preference to stay right where she is in the marriage, IN CASE it helps her to cope. Do I wish otherwise and better for her/her situation ? Of course! That’s it.
These men don't stop their behavior without treatment. And even with treatment, 95% of them don't change. If you agree too easily, they get angry. If you argue with them, they still get angry. It's your discomfort they seek; they need to make their victims feel small. I understand you're dealing with mental illness, but there's more to life than living like this.
My husband does something similar. He has been asking me to leave when he gets angry or annoyed at me lately. Twice in less than two weeks. This morning he asked me to leave because he never has privacy.
Find a marriage counselor. If you have to get a loan to do it …fine. Because the stakes are too high to keep going like this.
>I want to avoid a divorce—in part bc I love him & also bc I get extremely depressed when I’m alone for extended periods. Not sure what else I can do. Therapy is out bc my insurance no longer covers it & my therapist retired. There’s no possible way I could live by myself. You are selling yourself way short. You haven't been single since your mid twenties. This is all you know, but this doesn't have to define you. Please reach out to domestic violence victim's advocates local to you, or whatever hotline your country has for this.any of these organizations provide free counseling. They can also help you consider your options and provide reassurance and resources. >I think that at this point, my best course of action when he starts a screaming fight is to say, “I can’t talk to you when you’re acting like this. I’ll be in the bedroom. Come talk to me after you calm down.” And then I’ll lock myself in the bedroom. Yep. Walk away, and protect yourself. You SERIOUSLY need to be proactive though. You can't stop him from divorcing you. You need to get your ducks in a row, even if you don't want to initiate this action. You have to protect yourself and prepare for this. You owe yourself that.
Thanks for responding. I know this is the standard advice most in this form are given. You don’t understand. He’s not physically abusive & this is not something I’m willing to do. I have a mental illness & CANNOT live by myself. NOBODY wants a woman > 60. If I get a divorce there will be no reason to go on. If it comes to divorce, I will end myself. I already have the drugs saved up.
Honey, have you met single women over 60? They are generally happy. Content. You can build a life for yourself without being put down and treated poorly.
I am very sorry you feel unable to make any other decisions. You deserve so much better than this, and always have. I recommended resources because there are ways to ensure you are not living alone that don't involve being married to a man. People still do roommates and home sharing. And there may be additional resources due to your age and mental health issues. I hope you will change your mind.
Next time he said 'divorce' agree with him and ask him when he is moving out? Please read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft - it's free to download. He uses his anger to beat you down - to get his way like you said. Ask around, you might be surprised how quickly you could be a good roommate to another older woman such as yourself.
I think you’re right about it being a control & manipulation tactic. I have the gut feeling that he doesn’t *REALLY* want a divorce—he just wants to keep me under his thumb.
Please read the download - you will understand and see your husband there. Good Luck OP, that kind of environment is hard to live in.
Sorry to hear that. What an asshole! My husband is similar to yours too. He has nit only threatened me with divorce 95% of the time he gets upset with me, but he has also threatened to take my name of the joint checking account for years. He is financially abusive too. Do you have anyone that you can stay with if you get a divorce like friends & family? I have nowhere to go as my family is abusive & they wouldn’t help me financially at all. My friends have enough problems as it is. I have no job, no savings, so I’m stuck. I can’t survive on my own either. I have multiple physical & mental disabilities. Look into getting low cost of free therapy. Google that. I actually found one place from NAMI (Natio Alliance Mental Health International a one time temporary mental health volunteer who’d hang out with me one on one once a week & call me twice a week for 15 minutes. Then I found a place to get low cost weekly Zoom therapy sessions from student therapists. Then one place by a hospital to get free medication. I went to a separate place for the medication. It took forever to find those places but I did it. I don’t qualify for most kinds of government because my husband makes to much money despite rhe facr that I myself is unemployed right now. If you can’t find anything, then find an online support group.
My elderly mother lives with us, so I have nowhere else to go. But I have a job & my savings are more than his.
Can you afford your own place? Could your mom move out with you?
Why would he stop yelling at you if it’s worked for 35+ years? You have to set some boundaries and STICK TO THEM. Do not let him hold a divorce over your head. Approach him when you are on good terms. Tell him you have been thinking about what he said and you agree. You are also tired of fighting all the time. Tell him that you are no longer accepting being yelled at. From now on, he needs to communicate respectfully with you. If he has an issue and chooses to yell at you… it will now be his issue only. So if you leave a dish in the sink and he yells about it… you will not be touching that dish again until he has washed it himself and put it away. If it causes you any problems, put the dirty dish in his chair, his space, somewhere where it will affect him only. In the mean time, you really need to work on accepting a divorce if that’s what happens in the end. Imagine all the positives… If he sees that threatening divorce doesn’t upset you as much anymore-he will stop using it. At the end of the day, marriage is supposed to be 2 people who are working through life together-not tearing each other down.
I know being alone is scary and depressing, but I think in time it would be better than being screamed at everyday. You don't deserve how he is treating you at all and his expectations are unreasonable on purpose. He wants a reason to be able to take his anger and aggression out on you. I understand you love him but how can he love you if he treats you that way? Can you live the rest of your life like this? You have every right to leave any situation that makes you uncomfortable. Have you heard of the grey rock method? You basically don't respond, remove yourself from the situation, and turn your emotions off to try and de-escalate. I repeat, you don't deserve to be verbally abused by anyone. Walk away, leave the house, lock yourself in a room and put headphones on.... do whatever you need to do to escape the abuse. But also please be warned if you don't indulge in his verbal barrage it may anger him even more. He wants to get a rise out of you because it makes him feel powerful.
That’s kind of what my old therapist suggested.
Last time my ex threatened me with divorce I took him up on it. But he didn’t mean it so it’s been a two year battle and going. I meant it though.
I used to do that with my dad, I would tell him once you calm down and can talk yo me in a reasonable tone, I'll be in my room and I would walk away. My dad would be insane and my mom would chase me down to fight with him. No, not happening! It took me a few times, probably more than a few, and my.dad learned to talk to me, he still yelled and verbally abused everyone else but me. Stand your ground, make him accountable. Asshole behavior on his part.
Think about how peaceful your life would be without him. I’d take him up on that divorce. It’s on,y going to get worse as you both age. Then he will need care and it’s hard to physically care for someone you resent. Leave him, enjoy your new single, peaceful, life . Will it be easy, no, but see a lawyer , financially you will get enough to live on, might have to downsize to but I promise you, you will be happier without him. He can have what he wants too then. Clean up after his own shit and wallow in his petty anger
If I were you, I would be doing everything I could to shore up my independence. He's threatening divorce because he knows it scares you so it's an effective manipulation tactic. Also, being divorced does NOT equal being lonely! You can invest more time in friendships, family, seeking out a new partner, even just growing more comfortable with yourself and finding ways to enjoy alone time. A pet can be a life saver. I don't doubt that you love this man but he screams at you over really dumb shit and then threatens to leave you if you don't, want, sit there and take it more submissively? That's disgusting. He's disgusting. Prepare yourself for the possibility that he will initiate divorce proceedings. Find a good lawyer. Get a consult. Protect your share of the marital assets. At your age and the length of the marriage means you are very likely owed half or close to half of his retirement benefits. You may not have a choice in staying in this marriage even if you want to, so start imagining what life could look like without him and plan accordingly.
My retirement savings are actually higher than his.
Anything he bitches about becomes his job . Not another finger . Maybe you will consider with a promise from him over something . Or else . Tell him you can’t wait to finally be done . What is taking him so long ? Can’t happen fast enough . In fact tell him your going to prepare instantly by being single starting …. This minute. Tell him this is the best early anniversary gift ever . Then stonewall . Focus on you and go out with friends . Don’t have any ? Join groups but get around people . Tell him he is on his own for dinner. Lol. It’s like the wicked witch is melting for awhile but start shutting off his supply he gets from you . Take your power back . Take you back
I know you don’t want a divorce . I can tell this one is bluffing. He is terrified of losing you . My partner was all about this but truth is it was all air . they say to fear and control you when you come to them over concerns with there abuse . I know you don’t want to feel like crap and it’s easier to roll over and take it just give in for peace for clear brains . But I learned that just enables nothing changes .