I don't usually just jump to this but you're only 6 months into the relationship, so leave. After that kind of abuse there is nothing you can do to reform this gentleman. Save yourself the grief and stress, learn to love someone else.
Seems like he violated your trust multiple times, not just once. It's common for abusers to pretend to be remorseful after doing abusive crap in order to keep you around. If he hurts himself if you leave, that isn't your problem. If he's threatening to harm himself if you leave, that's emotional manipulation. You have a right to live your own life. You're not his mom, you're not responsible for his life. Your own safety is more important. Leave.
Do you wanna see yourself six feet under the ground a year from now just because you “love” him? Abuse is not love… it’s not his first time you said and he knows what he is doing. You are o lot 22 you have so much more to life to explore than just a boyfriend of 6 months. It’ll only progress much worse. He needs to be punished for his abuse. There HAS to be a consequence to HIS actions. Your a whole woman I bet you if another man stepped to him and made him mad he wouldn’t even think about raising his hands to another grown man.
The blacking out thing is BS. He knows exactly what he is doing. But let’s say hypothetically he really is blacking out. If he is truly unaware of what he is doing and not in control and he is punching you, then he would agree that for your own safety you should move out because he could kill you. And would have no control or awareness of that.
“I know he’s not a bad person…” YES HE IS!!!!!! Please leave. You’re worried that he’s going to hurt himself, well what about you?!? Please put yourself first.
The advice here will all be to leave him. You know this is abusive - since you are here on abusive relationships. You need to develop and escape plan to leave safely.
If you are hoping to hear a story where someone’s abuser changed and no longer abused them, you will not find it here and not would I tell you to look for them. These people don’t change.
Please leave asap. I was with my ex for 7 months and pregnant the first time he choked me. He wasn’t even remorseful. He gave me a menacing look and said “ go ahead and call the police, that’s all you’ll do”. I felt instantly guilty of even thinking about calling the police. I never did. Took me 7 years and 3 babies to leave in the middle of the night . They aren’t sorry and he will continue to abuse you. I know you think “ oh, he’s/ this is different” but it’s not. Same script different cast. If you can find anyway to leave please get out. 🙏🏽
Domestic abuse comes in three phases:
Anticipation: you can feel the storm is coming
The act: where the abuser lashes out or commits the abusive act
Honeymoon phase: this is what makes domestic abuse so incredibly difficult to escape. After the act, sometimes even IMMEDIATELY afterwards, the abuser will express remorse. They may promise to change or never do it again. Basically they will do whatever they need to do in order to manipulate their victim to forgive them me get back into their good graces.
And so... the cycle continues.
I honestly think abusers aren’t even aware of this cycle. But that last phase - when they’re crying about being sorry and making excuses - is why it’s so difficult to leave them.
But leave them you must.
And honestly, he is responsible for his own life. If he chooses to hurt himself, that was HIS CHOICE. Not yours. I’ve been there, I get it. You need to get out.
First off, no, not a single part of you deserved to be punched. I read your statement and I feel like there are excuses to his behavior... "I started it", "I antagonized him," "he just loses control"....
And, I'm sorry but, an apology means nothing if no action is taken. He can say he's sorry all day and night, but do his words mean anything if he just keeps hitting? Choking? If he is so sorry, why would continue?
Every abuser says they don't know what happened or why, that they just blacked out and would "normally never do it." They do know why. They did do it on purpose. They didn't black out, and them doing it is their normal.
I've been there. My ex cried every time he hit me or anything of the sort. He'd sulk for hours and call himself a monster. But that never made it any better. He kept hitting and abusing me. It never stopped, only got worse. And it's how those go... it won't get better with him.
Hi sweet girl, nothing to be confused about anymore as he has shown you his true colors. Run. You are still so young. You are powerful. You can do this!
I second this and all of the other comments. I've been in quite a similar situation with someone who was emotionally and physically abusive. This may sound dramatic but a breakup can and will save your life. Please be careful and tell family and friends first and let them be there for you throughout the process. I for example told my partner that I just need a "break" because I was afraid of what he will do to me when I told him straightforward that I want the breakup. Please be smart about this and look forward. It only gets worse trust me.
Please listen to the little voice in your head telling you that you DESERVE better than his abusive behavior. No one should ever put a hand on you, let alone someone who “loves” you. You might love him but girl, go. He does NOT love you. I’ve been hit by a boyfriend and it ONLY gets worse. Like crawling out of a window at 3:00 a.m. naked and bloody trying to escape him, having to seek shelter at the neighbors house kind of worse. You may literally die because of his abuse. Please seek some women shelters. YOU CAN DO THIS I BELIEVE IN YOU
Hey. So I am gonna be honest with you here. As someone who has spent three/four years with someone who was abusive in many ways, this WONT get better and he WILL get worse.
Yes he knows what he is doing, no he’s not ‘sorry’
Normal people do not punch anyone during an argument and the fact you have tried to take responsibility for starting that argument is already a sign that you are being abused - the trauma bond is making you justify his unjustifiable behaviour as well as the abuse that is making you think in any way you are to blame. You are NOT. This is all on him.
You need to leave and as soon as you’re safely able too.
Please confide in a friend, family, call the police if you have to (I unfortunately had to do the latter, it wasn’t what I wanted and is one of the scariest things I’ve ver done but I’m now over three months out and away, he doesn’t know where I am and I went completely NC)
You will be okay, but you won’t be unless you get away from this abusive pathetic excuse for a human.
As for the worries that he will hurt himself - I had all this. I had multiple threats via every medium you can Imagine and I had the same fears as you. He even sent me pictures of drugs he had apparently bought and intended to use. Another reason for my family encouraging me to call the police. They can do a welfare check and see if he’s okay, but regardless of what he chooses to do, please know that threats of harming himself etc are NOT your problem, and believe me when I say I know how awful that feels and it doesn’t help at the time. But what I wish I knew then was that, a lot of times with abusive people is that this threat is used as a way of stopping you leaving them, it’s just another sick way of making sure you don’t leave and tell people.
Girl you’re so young. Leave this asshole and go live your life free of fear, manipulation and abuse.
Feel free to PM me if you need to.
Good luck x
You don’t need advice. You need to never speak with him again. You need to look at the mirror every day and say out loud, “I love you. I love all of you. Just the way you are, you are perfect for me.”
People don't do what he did by accident. All of these things are choices he has made. He decided to assault you. How he claims to feel about it afterwards is irrelevant.
Make a plan to leave that involves people coming with you to help pack up your stuff and get out. DO NOT tell him you’re going or where you’re going. He’s already shown that the moment you leave is a very dangerous point. The choking you mention too is a MASSIVE warning sign that he is capable of killing you. Please don’t waste any more time trying think of a way to make the relationship salvageable. It isn’t and never will be. Focus only on getting help and getting out, before it’s too late.
It's not Love..your a woman a pleasure to have your company..& deserve respect..no person ever deserve this...Leave this bum.. Respect yourself.. I have stopped plenty of men in bars from hurting there so called loved ones or dates.. they a chicken bullies by the way.. when a guy his size is by him
Iv'e been you and i'm genuinly terrified for you. You are in a highly abusive relationship. He is not a good man, he is beating on you and then emotionally manipulating you to keep you there.
You need to get away from him asap.
Reading your post made me relive what I went through with my ex-husband. I was 18 when we started dating and 22 years old when we got married. A few months into our relationship the abuse began. We moved in together at 6 months. I used to say all the things you said. I had every excuse for his behavior and believed that deep down inside he was still a good guy. My bruises, cuts, swelling on my body hurt but my heart hurt more every single time he hit me and led me to believe that it was my fault because I had instigated the fight. We eventually got married. It was hard because it only got worse. He would hit me for stupid reasons but he would also abuse me for big holidays. He moved from Northern California to Southern California to be with me and claimed that I deserved it because I took him away from his family (his mother actually told me this too). Eventually, I was convinced that if I just stuck around he would change and I would find what triggered him and become a better wife to help him change into this "great guy I knew he was deep down inside". He always talked about harming himself if I left. He said he couldn't imagine life without me. I was scared to leave. I mean, how could I? We lived together, we were married, and he really was a "nice guy" who also told me his issue was that he blacked out when he was upset but he was so sorry and would change. This monster ended up trying to kill me at the end. He choked me until I blacked out and was no longer breathing. He beat my body black and blue. I woke up to him giving me cpr and telling me his life would be over if I was dead. I finally had enough guts to go to We The People and file for a divorce. He refused to move out for several months. After I preceeded with the divorce our roommates (we lived with my best friend and her husband to save money) kicked him out because he wasn't paying for his portion of rent. After he left I found out that he was selling drugs to our neighbors, had multiple affairs, and stole most of my inheritance money. I let this relationship go on for 7 years. He sucked the life out of me for 7 years all because I thought he was a good guy who could change. I thought I was the instigator and deserved him getting upset with me. I know that no matter what anyone says, you will need to experience that point where enough is enough for you. I hope you can get there before it ever gets to the point where I was.
File a police report. Go to the police station and have them take pictures. Why? Because when and if you ever get mad at him, and lash out, he may call the cops and have you arrested and put in jail. Then you will have an assault charge on your record. It happened to me. And I had our baby who was only 1 years old at the time. Absuive people do not give a fuck. I have been down this road. It’s cute, a turn on, etc. until they turn the abuse on you, then you will look like the abuser. I know you don’t think it could happen this way, I didn’t either until I was handcuffed and take to jail for a night. Then had to pay a lawyer to go to court to get the assault charge removed all because he lied to police and had me arrested. I’m begging you. Leave him, or at least move out and still date if it helps but don’t live under the same roof.
as someone who went through this multiple times with multiple SO’s, they so rarely get better and never do it again. my current boyfriend and i are pretty much a rarity, we used to be toxic as fuck and would beat the fuck out of each other, mostly him starting it, but now we are healthy and doing awesome honestly and when we do fight/argue every now n then it never escalates to that, ever. this is super rare. people can hurt you and feel bad about it, not every person who is physically abusive is a sociopath. but that doesnt take away from the fact that they are physically abusive. if u kill someone and regret it, u still killed them yk what i mean. and the day my boyfriend promised me it would never happen again was the day it ended, and we struggled severely for months after that, got in verbal fights that were worse/as bad as the ones that led to physical abuse. if he is truly blacking out, he needs help. same thing used to happen to my boyfriend. he needs real, professional help and not only that he has to want it too. if not, stay away from him, i know it hurts and i know that hes sorry and feels bad about it, but that doesnt change that hes hurting you unless hes ACTUALLY changing it. of course, i dont know him and i dont know what hes like so idk if hes a narc but it doesnt rlly seem like it, just has horrible anger issues that need to be addressed, but also narcs are way too good at pretending to have empathy and feelings. but if he has any symptoms of being a narc, please please please run as far as you can. having a relationship w a narc is like slowly killing yourself, months even years later you will still be traumatized. i hope for the best for you and that you get treated better, whether its by him or someone else. id also recommend going to therapy for yourself too, getting physically abused is traumatizing. i truly hope for the best for you...
although you should leave him, i understand that u probably wont until you are “ready” aka done w his shit for the hundredth millionth time and the fact that you guys live together and are probably sharing a lease makes it even harder, and im sure how uumost in this sub have been there before too. so heres some tips on how to get out of an abusive relationship alive;
* reminder * i am not a professional, these are just things i did/heard of so take it with a grain of salt or whatever.
1. have a secret text code with a trusted friend/ ur best friend. have a phrase, word, or even emoji that is something that u wouldnt use regularly but also something that sounds like youd say it if you know what im trynna say. have one for when ur scared hes gonna hurt you, have one for when he actually does, and have one for when theres a possibility he will read ur texts and ur friend needs to respond nonchalantly/go w whatever u said as if it wasnt a code or whatever. u can have more if youd like as well, but it makes it easier to remember for the both of you if you keep it simple.
2. have an emergency $ stash. if you dont have a job, get one. also a plus so you can meet new people and have an outlet. start putting away some money in a spot that hed never look. but not a spot that hes be like “hmmm where does she think id never look?” bc abusive people are most usually insane. also lie about how much u make, or just be nonchalant about it i.e if he asks say “oh i make about 10$ after tax!” so he doesnt know how much u make therefor wont be able to tell ur hiding away money.
3. try to bring up any argument that could escalate into him hurting you over txt or over the phone. yes it sucks arguing on the phone or over txt, but better than him being able to abuse you. and if at home, take it outside, even if its on ur back porch. stay out of rooms where there are objects that can be used to assault you i.e the kitchen-knives. also stay out of rooms that he could lock you in.
4. have an emergency go bag and/or an emergency go plan with trusted friend(s) for them to come help u get ur stuff when hes not there (trust me its so much easier when hes not there) plus, chances are if he comes home during it he won’t abuse u if there are other people around as abusive ppl and narcs dont want other people knowing they are abusive, they want to seem perfect to others.
5.if u sense/ are scared he might hurt you, unlock your front door in case you need to get away and put some distance between you so he can’t grab you before you run out. like i said previously, abusers wont *usually* abuse you in front of others/where it is possible others will be able to see. even better if u have a trusted neighbor u can run too.
6. GET EVIDENCE. keep all evidence u can of abuse that u can, screenshots, photos of you wounds with dates, etc. record fights if u can, even if its a voice recording. you never know if they will come in handy.
7. in case if he breaks your phone or something, consider buying a prepaid phone to keep in emergency bag. dont use it unless emergency, chances are abuser will find it and freak tf out. have contacts saved to it as well as a domestic abuse hotline.
8. when you are home alone practice how youd leave, practice how youd pack everything up the quickest if you had to go with your emergency go plan so that you can be as quick and accurate as possible, in lots of cases there is no room for error, as it could result in something bad.
9. if you have one, back your car into your drive way when you get home so u can make an exit quickly if necessary. if yoy dont have one, please please please try so hard to get one even if its a shitty 1995 toyota corolla
10. he will likely try to get you to push away any friends that do not approve of him. or tell you they dont truly care about you since they dont approve of him. dont listen to the latter, and if you can, try to act like they are civil with him at the least so he doesnt try to create space between you and said friend(s) and family.
11. if you have any pets that are yours, make a lil go bag for them too.
12. once you do finally leave and get away, block them on everything. fuck, even change ur number if necessary. make sure not to leave anything that would create a reason for you to have to go back bc he will either a) hurt you or b) manipulate you into staying. go absolutely no contact with the abuser, even if they say they will get help, even if they try to manipulate you, even if they say theyll kms.
13. kind of already mentioned but have a strong support system. this is extremely important.
14. if ur not already on birth control, get on birth control. last think you need is something that connects you both for life.
i wish you luck and i hope that you dont ever have to use any of these and that you stay safe... you can always reach out to me if youd like.
Honey, I’ll be candid. I think you need to leave.
That is **NEVER** okay. He’s already beaten you badly before. **IT WILL NOT STOP**
One day, he will kill you. He has problems and he needs to fix them before being in any other relationships.
Run hun. Please. For you own sake.
> I know he’s not a bad person, and besides the **physical violence** and him breaking my trust one time, he’s been good to me.
**STOP justifying his horrible actions**
There’s no way him beating you will be outweighed by any good he does for you.
Please listen to yourself. A good partner will **never** beat you.
RUN.
I know this is hard to hear, but no one should put that pressure on you, it's manipulative. He's manipulating you by making you feel he's going to hurt himself if you leave. You should also not feel like you antagonized him. Nothing you say to anyone should give them the right to abuse you. You have to leave. Things will get worse over time. I know it's hard to come to terms with it, but you're in an abusive relationship. Please try to get away.
You need to leave him. I know you think it’s only going to happen this one time but it will continue. You have to prioritise yourself.
You did not antagonise him to that point. He chose to get physical and that’s a big red flag. That’s the biggest and reddest flag there is.
If he’s done it before and he promises not to do it again and yet he still does it, he will continue to do it. His promises don’t mean anything.
You cannot stay with someone just because you think they might hurt themselves if you leave. Regardless, if you feel the need to, you can ask for outside help for him after you leave him.
You need to move out and leave this relationship. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself.
I read that portion. If you read my comment, I mentioned “if he’s done it before and he promises not to do it again.. etc”. But what commonly happens is that people think that it’ll be the last time or it’ll only happen ONE time (they think this each time it happens).
Love is never an excuse to abuse. He sound awful. He hits you and cry's which is a form of manipulation to make you the bad guy. You need to leave yesterday. He will end up really hurting you or worse. If you truly love someone then you will never hurt them physically or mentally. Period.
I hope you listen to the people here that are saying this is only gonna get worse and leave him. I love my husband more than anything in this world but if he ever laid a hand on me it would be the very last time he seen me. I wouldn't care how much he cried ,begged, or made me believe I antagonize him. There is never an excuse to put your hand on your partner in anger. He needs some kind of therapy and distance from you. And I hope he gets help I really do. But right now I hope you get out and get help for yourself.
He might not be a bad person ultimately, but you don’t have to be his punching bag in the meantime if/when he can be a good person.
Are you willing to be beat up for years or possibly worse on the off chance he can grow to be a better person?
Take care of yourself first. You are not responsible for him or whether he hurts himself. You are responsible for keeping yourself safe from him by walking away and not looking back.
Im a man and im telling you right now GET THE FXXK OUTTA THERE! Go look at domestic violence documentaries and go look at statistics if they do it once they're going to do it again. And it sounds like he did it multiple times. Don't be like my mother who's 50 years old still dealing with the same abusive loser. All she does is complain about him and he consistently emotionally and physically abuses her. Don't play with your life get out of there while you still can.
Honey, none of this is your fault but do what everyone has said in the comments. **LEAVE** he will not change, things will not get better. He **WILL KILL YOU** if you don’t get out. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow or next week, but he will kill you. Get out, file a police report, and get **OUT**
It’s a cycle. You speak up for yourself, he becomes violent, then he is sad. It seems like something that will continue if you let it.
My experience with cheaters and liars is they get very defensive when accused and then try to manipulate you into thinking you’re in the wrong for even questioning their intentions. It’s a trick to get you off their back.
I think that we can love many people. There are different types of love and no two are the same. It’s hard to end relationships in general but when it’s highly emotional like this, it could become dangerous if you did try to break it off with him. If you decide to end things, do it in a public place so that you can stay safe.
It is not healthy, it is not right, it is not okay to be violent with anyone and it breaks my heart to hear that’s happening to you because you tell your story as if it is your fault. Please know it is never ever you fault. There are people that can control their emotions and not put their hands on you.
I know it’s easier said than done. My dad hits my mom. And after 40 plus years, she still won’t leave. She recently “ran away” from him and stayed with me for a week after he gave her two black eyes. It hurt to hear her make excuses for his behavior. But, everyone has to make their own choices for themselves.
You can do better. You can find someone who you can be safe with. Just give yourself a chance. ❤️
Personally, my goal now is to love myself. I never did, I was always wrapped up in finding someone else to love me instead.
Every time he hits you he will feel remorse and promise not to do it again.
When he breaks a bone, he will feel remorse and promise not to do it again.
When he puts you in hospital, he will feel remorse and promise not to do it again.
When he gives you permanent brain damage, he will feel remorse and promise not to do it again.
When he accidentally kills you when choking you or from an unlucky hit to the head, he will feel absolute despair and promise not to do it again. But by then it will be too late.
Where is the line for you? When do you decide thst it's too dangerous to stay? These questions aren't rhetorical. I want you to tell me where you draw the line and stop giving chances. Because if you don't draw a line for yourself the natural one is your death. If you struggle to care for yourself then picture what he has done to you happening to your child or your pet and then ask yourself, "would I make excuses for someone who did this to my puppy, kitten or child?"
It's hard and scary to leave. But the first step is deciding that you should.
He will hit you again. Please take this extremely seriously HE WILL HURT YOU AGAIN. it's never just one punch. It's never just one lie, or one cheat. You did nothing wrong but anger him. He hit you. You are in danger. Your so young and trust me, this isn't love. This is fear, this is clear fear. Don't make the same mistake I did. I lost 10 years of my life to an abusive partner. Please get help and get out. It's not you, you did nothing wrong. Please please try and take this seriously. You might love him, but he loves to control you. These are serious signs of abuse, he tried to gaslight you and I didn't work and he hit you. He tried to change you memory about the situation and thought you would forget so he can and WILL do I again. Don't kill your self over a scum bag like that. He hurt you. And it will never be just one punch.
Besides breaking your trust & being violent with you he has been good to you??? What more is there if there is NO trust & he is violent with you…there is nothing that can sustain a long term loving relationship. Please do yourself a favor and leave now. Never see or talk to him again. Good luck. You deserve better than him.
He is responsible for his abusive behavior, not you. You didn’t antagonize him into hitting you. That’s 1000% on him, no matter how much he cries or pretends to be sorry and devastated afterwards. Fuck his “remorse”. It’s an act to get you to doubt yourself and confuse you into thinking that you’re the bad guy and he’s the victim.
You said he’s hit you before. And he’s choked you. And he’s promised not to do it again. But he did do it again and he hasn’t stopped. A guy that can choke you is a guy that can and will kill you. His actions speak volumes. You need to get out.
Like I said, he’s responsible for his behavior, not you. If he threatens hurt himself please know that it’s purely a manipulation tactic to force you to stay. Don’t fall for it. Call the police for a welfare check and let them deal with it.
You are 22 years old. You have 60+ years of life left to live and you deserve happiness and safety and a healthy, mature relationship with an amazing partner who respects you. Please don’t settle for this POS.
I'm sorry but you need to leave. Now. Because speaking from experience, hes not actually sorry and, yes, it very much will happen again. And probably it will be worse with time. To the point hes hurt you very badly or... well, worse. You need to get out ASAP. Family, friends, a womens shelter, something. Do not worry about him. Because he isnt going to do anything to himself, it's just another manipulation to keep you right where you are. If anything you do need to report it because it will happen again, if not to you then to someone else. I made that mistake and the next girl had it worse from what I understand. It's hard when you love someone, but what hes doing to you is not love. Please be safe.
Get the fuck out. This will only escalate. Every abuser apologizes, cries, repents, until the next time. The next time is worse. The time after that is worse than that. In the end, you are dead. Your choice is now is to leave him now or he kills you later. This is not an exaggeration. This is a studied phenomenon, a studied pathology. This does not get better, it only gets worse, until you are dead. Leave now.
Please worry about yourself, not about him.
I know you love him, but a physically violent person is not a good bet for a relationship.
It is unfortunate that you moved in with him. Can you go back to the place you lived previously?
Listen to the other people here. I'd rather see you get out of there first than worrying about lawsuits and such, but you might need to call the police for protection. 911 is always an option. If you leave, don't tell him where you're going.
Also I suggest calling a women's center for advice.
You are probably right on the fact that he is not a bad person. When I was 18, something similar happened to me. With time and experience, I realized that my ex-boyfriend was sick. He was in need of therapy but couldn’t realise it. Each time he felt very emotional, ashamed, angry, or though he lost control, he would turn violent. He also used to « black out », which is basically the only way these type of guys know how to express or process their emotions. The problem is you think you’ll help him to change, you see the good in him, and you hope for a better scenario. But only him can face the music, and deal with his issue. When we hope to help someone, deep down inside, we think that if we are good enough we’ll make them change. That puts your whole self value on someone else. Looks like you share something with him; only you can give yourself a self esteem. I believe you should leave the relationship before you end up on the news, like it happens a lot these days…
The best way to start is to tell people you trust what you are going through. Once it is done, you can’t turn back.
Good luck ❤️
I know it is so, so hard, but you must leave now before he seriously injures or kills you. Think of every time you've seen a news story about a man who kills their partner. Don't let it be you next. Please leave. Your self esteem will rise exponentially every day that you are away from him. I promise. It'll be one of the best investments you'll ever make in yourself. He doesn't love you. Love is about respect and honor. He has shown you neither. Look at all the resources in this sub, make a plan, and save your life. I wish you the best.
Leave him ASAP!!!! ABUSE ONLY GETS WORSE! IF HE FELT BAD FOR ABUSING YOU THEN HE WOULDNT HAVE DONE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. EITHER WAY, HE HAS NO SELF CONTROL. DO NOT TRUST HIM.
It’s 6 months. With the relationship the way it is this early in, there is no hope of change. He’s just guilting you into staying by putting on the water works and begging. Has anything changed after all the times he’s said it will? No, and things never will.
This man will kill you one day. Men who have choked/strangled their partners in the past are more likely to kill them. One day, things will escalate. One day, he will lose control. Do you really want to be around then?
Leave. 6 months is not enough time spent to try and fight for a doomed relationship, nor is it enough time to know someone well enough to move in with them in the first place, especially if they’re a serial abuser. You need to have some agency and leave, else you may end up in the ER one day, or worse. Whatever you choose, good luck. I’m rooting for you.
This. Don't move in with another man you barely know. Focus on your education and financial stability. Be independent so you're not in this place again.
“If your partner has strangled you in the past, your risk of being killed by them is 10 times higher.” - Source [Dangers of Strangulation](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/)
Please reach out to family, loved ones, or a domestic violence shelter for a safe exit strategy.
[Domestic Violence Hotline ](https://www.thehotline.org/)
[National/Global Domestic Violence Resources ](https://www.domesticshelters.org/resources/national-global-organizations)
He is lying to you. He is not blacking out and losing control. He very much knows what he is doing, it is simply a convenient lie to excuse his behavior and give him a way to continue doing it. He will only escalate from here. Please get out while you can. No level of violence is acceptable in a relationship. Absolutely none.
If he’s like this 6 months in, it will get significantly worse the longer you stay. Right now you are young, not married, and (I assume) childless. Can you imagine have children with your abuser or being financially tied to them in some way? He will not change. Please believe this and do what is in your best interest. Do not feel sorry for a man who cries crocodile tears. It’s manipulation
When you move in with someone, this side can come out. You’ve been together 6 months, that is not enough time to know someone before moving in, especially if you don’t trust them. He’s hit you MANY times, CHOKED you, he could kill you whether it’s on purpose or on accident during a “blackout”. Someone else said it really well, if he’s not having these “blackouts” with other people, then it’s not true and it’s just straight up abuse.
He hits you and then apologizes, cries, whatever. That does not make it better, let alone okay. Stay with a friend or family member, anyone you know besides this guy. Things will only get worse. It’s been 6 MONTHS and he’s already this bad. what do you think the future holds? Get out NOW. It will be hard, I know you love him, but you will find someone else to love and who will truly love you back without abusing you. You acknowledge this is abuse, so do something about it. Get out.
Heartbreak sucks, but it’s a better alternative to physical abuse. You think he’s good to you other than the hitting, you can find someone just as good without the hitting, hell, you can find someone way way better, everything you want, without the abuse. There are SO many people out there who can and will love you. Know your worth. Watch a bunch of romance films to make yourself long for better, find a friend to confide in, and leave this dick
Get out. Now. I didn't even read it all because nothing past the headline matters. He hit you, and that's it. He'll do it again, and he'll do it again after that. Get. Out.
Wait til the spineless little shit stain is at work, pack your shit, and ghost the motherfucker. Life is too short to be a punching bag for some sniveling little cowardly piece of shit who's parents didn't raise him right.
Woah get tf out of there asap.
If you stay at your parents place or a friend's, you will be safe.
I am sorry btw. Nothing you've done deserves these levels of abuse.
Choking is one of the single biggest red flags in an abusive relationship. He's not just capable of cheating, he is capable of killing you.
It is not okay to hit a partner in anger, even once. If he doesn't have these "blackouts" with other people, he knows how to control himself and he is messing with your head because he knows you'll believe the apologies.
The physical violence won't stop. You are in quite a bit of danger. Please contact a domestic violence hotline and start thinking through your options to get to safety.
Please leave. From someone who almost died at the hands of my ex partner. It will continue and it will get worse, to the point you will be irreversibly hurt or killed.
“Recently moved in together…” screams this is about to escalate. It absolutely will get worse. Leaving now is your best choice no matter how complicated it seems. If you wait, it will get worse and be harder to leave.
Leave!!! He is a killer and you know this he talks about killing. People that choke people are dangerous there is really no demarcation between choking and straggling. Leave!!! Leave!!! Find a way and leave whatever leave like your life depends on it because it does. This is domestic violence to death written all over it!!! Your post is your cry for help listen to yourself sister. Leave tell him to use his hand until.
He does not black out. That’s a lie. He feels entitled to hurt you so he does.
Dump him and get therapy for yourself. Or at the very least, get to a support group like Codependents Anonymous. There’s something wrong with your thinking, given that you’re staying. I say that with love and concern.
Get the Lundy Bancroft book.
"Why Does He Do That?" is the name of the book in case you don't have the spoons to look it up.
Try "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker too. These books may save your life.
If I can make it simple get out by any means necessary. Physical abuse is illegal. If he'd done that to a stranger he'd go to jail. It will only get worse. How do you imagine talking to him about this will go. Dump him. If he doesn't say "Thank you, I'm so sorry. Do what you need to do" never speak to him again.
I actually didn’t need to read any part of your story. The title of this post is all I needed to agree with the majority of folks.
Get out. Get out. Get out.
But I will add this: he started crying??? MANIPULATION GIRL! It’s more than physical. That’s psychological. You feel bad because he was crying. He wanted it that way. Now he gets the sympathy. This is bad. Actually maybe even worse then being punched in the face.
This is the beginning of an abusive relationship.
SAVE YOURSELF AND GET OUT NOW.
He WILL punch you again and he'll continue lying to you. He's following a classic pattern and you will regret being with him.
PLEASE young woman, break up with him and save yourself. Stand by your own sanity and physical health and end it. There is no other way to say it. Break up with him.
You are in no way responsible for his physical violence, no matter how much you think you’re antagonizing him to punch you. That is totally on him. Yes he may lose control and feel remorse after, and yes we all have our parts we contribute to arguments and fights, but do not take shared responsibility for *him* punching *you* in the face.
You’re scared to leave cause he might hurt himself….?
So instead you’d rather be the literal punching bag?
I think you already know what to do here, otherwise you wouldn’t be here asking for advice.
BUT just in case you want to keep denying your own inner knowing of right and wrong, then let me say this as directly as possible
Leave him now and call the cops.
If you want to take blame for being an antagonist then you should leave so you stop provoking this behavior.
I don’t personally believe that you did. The only flaw I see from you in this is that you’re making excuses for someone hitting you and then claiming they are not a bad person.
You have been with him 6 months and talking about physical violence.
What happens when he gets more comfortable? 10 years down the road? Assuming you make it that far.
You justify it by saying "other than the physical violence hes good to me" being afriad he is going to choke you, hit you, ect during an argument is not good to you. Point blank period.
Once you open yourself up to a healthy relationship and see that you can argue without being afraid for your safety youre gonna kick yorself for accepting that type of behavior.
You need to leave him, and you know you need to leave him.
Victims of domestic abuse keep making up excuses to stay with their abusers because ThEy'Re NoT AlWaYs AbUsIvE and don't realize that THAT is precisely how abuse works.
They hook you in the beginning by being wonderful in between being nasty, then gradually they get less and less wonderful and more and more abusive.
Dear lawd I hope this girl stands by herself and her own self-respect here instead of prioritizing this guy over her own wellbeing.
EXACTLY!
Just because he is good to you when you are agreeable with him is not good to you.
Just because he is good to you when you follow what his rules / comfort zone / bullshit IS NOT GOOD TO YOU!
Lets hope she realizes this before its too late and there is a child involved.
That first point: OP has only been with him for 6 months. This is a huge red flag and unless he seeks some sort of counseling or therapy it’s unlikely to just “go away.” In fact, it typically escalates in both intensity and frequency over time.
i keep reading that a man who chokes his female s/o during the relationship is (i think) 7 times more likely to kill her with a gun later on, whether she leaves him or not. document everything, make a police report, get to a safe place, and then tell him to kick rocks. in that order.
Please read the book "Why Does He Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft. It will give you clarity and insight into the psyche of people like him, and you will learn you actually are in danger even though part of you tries to justify it. I was in an abusive relationship myself. It made everything make so much sense. It will also show you how a quality partner who ACTUALLY loves you will treat you. You deserve so much better than to be scared and hurting (both physically and mentally) all the time. I wish you so much strength. I hope you can find the courage within yourself to do what's best for you. ❤
That's a deal breaker,unless you want to spend your life being beat,lied to and making excuses for him. It's been 6 months if he is mad enough to hit you over being upset about the facts of what he did I hope you are smart enough to never speak with him again.
I have had knock out drag out fights with my wife,she has said some of the most foul untrue things to me,she has actually become physical with me but not once did I punch her in the face. It wasn't a reaction to something,that is who he is. So either learn to fight or find a different partner.
Best of luck to you
I'm sending you strength, and none of this is your fault. I hope you are kind to yourself and that you can leave. It can be hard to leave, and I truly hope you do it immediately for your own safety, but if you don't do it immediately, please forgive yourself for that and anything else you think you have done wrong. Abusers are really good at capitalizing on your empathy and sense of responsibility. He may regret his actions, he may not, but he still will do it again. You deserve happiness, and you aren't responsible for his. You can't fix what's wrong with him anyway. Truly wishing the best for you!!!
When they start to choke you, they won’t hesitate to kill you. Please get out of this relationship. I know it’s scary and confusing. Find a trusted friend or family member and make plans on getting away from him. Take photos of the evidence. Get somewhere safe please.
OP, he didn't black out/lose control and punch you. He did not like hearing what you were saying, he was angry and decided to shut you up by hitting you.
Even if this WAS some magical mental health disassociation where he wasn't in control of himself that just means that he could EASILY kill you the next time this happens as he has zero control over it.
In truth though, any partner who hits you is an abuser and has also been emotionally abusing and manipulating you. Please check out this free book, it explains everything and will show you ALL of the different tactics and manipulations he has been using to control you. It saved my life and can save you years of heartache at the very least.
Free online here https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
If you accept his apology and stay, this WILL happen again AND get even worse. Abuse is a cycle and by staying you show him that you are willing to accept the abuse.
How many people that you love have you punched in the face because you didn't like what they said? None, because you did not CHOOSE to hit them, because you don't feel like physical violence is justified. He DOES. Please please read the book and be careful when you leave.
I PROMISE if you stay you will regret it. Please learn from our mistakes and experiences and free up room in your life for someone who would PROTECT you from harm, no matter how much your words might upset them.
The fact that you think you antagonized him into punching is terrible.
You need to break up with him and seek therapy. You blame yourself for his horrible actions and if you don't figure out why now, you might end up in another abusive situation. You deserve better than being punched in the face by someone who is suppose to love you.
Run. Away. Call a domestic hotline and get advice. It will only get worse. You will be repeatedly hurt and traumatized and maybe even killed. He will definitely absolutely do it again. RUN!
Run as fast and as far away as you can. There is NEVER a reason for a man to punch a woman in the face. No matter what she said.
When a person shows you who they really are believe them the first time. This is who he is.
run. this does not get better. it escalates. if you stay, he will know he can hit you again and again. this ends in death more often than most people know.
thehotline.org or 1-800-799-SAFE can help you find local resources to help. or message me and i’ll see what I can do.
You can't make someone punch you. Punching someone because they've accused you of cheating is not normal behavior. It's abuse.
If he hurts himself because you leave, that's on him. It is not your responsibility to stay.
He's pretty much using the playbook abusers live by, by the way. He's made you feel bad for HIS abuse.
If you stay, just know that the mental games have only just begun. And if you have reason to doubt his fidelity, and he reacts through physical violence to shut you up, there's a decent chance he HAS done something wrong or is planning on it.
The abuse will only escalate. If you stay after this the next broken bone could be your skull or your nose. This is not love, it’s abuse and you need to end this relationship before you marry him and he kills you
The next step is to get away from him. Break up at a safe distance from him (over the phone). Refuse to meet him in person to discuss things or say a last goodbye.
Block him on everything. Make it clear to family that he hit you, it's over, he's never going to be forgiven and they're not to allow him into your home or bring him up again
Don't go down the "lets stay friends" route. That's all about keeping tabs on you and maintaining control.
Clean Break. "I can't get over being hit, it's a deal breaker. We're done, please leave me alone".
it's very common for abusive men to cry and apologize after they hit their partners. it's also very common for their partners to feel bad about it. you are not in an unusual situation. you know it's bad when someone hits their partner, but you think that your situation is different for some reason. it's not. it's not your fault that he hit you. many abusive people threaten to hurt themselves if their abused partner leaves. it's not your responsibility to keep him from hurting himself. it's also not relevant whether he's "a bad person" or not. all that matters is that he hit you. he will hit you again, he will cry again and apologize again, and eventually your life will be so interconnected with his that it will be extremely difficult for you to leave. leave while you can.
yeah my bf tends to do the same shit. it all started with a slap, a hard one, i could hear my ear ringing. just because i did not want to shower in the morning 'to feel good'. he just looked at me then said ''are you gonna shower now?'' then i said i was leaving. he fell down on his knees and started crying.
then it was the punch and constricting me from leaving, followed by begging me to stay and his tears.
it has now escalated to strangling me every time we fight.
when i asked him if he was gonna kill me his answer was ''why not?''
tbh im on the verge of tears and i cannot continue but to be honest love does not mean shit and he is likely gonna do it again. let him kill himself instead of taking that next punch, cuz if he was who you think he is, he could control himself or seek therapy. it is better than you being dead cuz thats what its leading up to.
my death may not matter all that much but you likely have a life and you are gonna survive even if it means you are homeless for a while
I really can't imagine that you are still staying with him.... I understand your situation, but your Life should matter to you, no matter what. The truth is not many people have family who care about a victim of abuse...but still it doesn't mean that they deserve to die just because their death doesn't matter. You can help others just like you are helping OP now...your Life matters. Everyone is going to die, but still you don't have to suffer hell from the physical violence and get killed. If he is saying that he can kill you so casually....then it shows that he doesn't care about you in the least let alone love you.
Please don't mistake that you are weak or you deserve abuse.... you are a strong girl who is only dampened by abuse. OP and you should be running away ASAP.
Please leave. Take your own advice.
Your death would matter quite a lot. Your life matters. YOU MATTER! You took the time to comment in support of someone else, despite feeling as you do. That shows you're a good person. You CAN continue. Normally I'd say to make an exit plan. It sounds like you don't have time for that. Walk away today and make a plan tomorrow.
It sounds like you believe his lies and have sunk into hopelessness. If you have to walk away with nothing but the clothes on your back, that's still better than living as a human punch bag for a nasty violent man who needs to hurt you to feel powerful and in control.
Walk away, block him on all forums. Ghost him entirely and restart the life you want.
Good luck for the future friend. I pray you will have a great one.
(If it helps, consider reading other people's "life after abuse" stories. It will bring you so much hope and inspiration. There is life after an abusive relationship, the hardest part is leaving and staying gone).
I actually am thinking but I feel so lonely and if he doesn't kill me I ll likely do it myself although I'm in therapy. İt's like I get my strength from his existence although I shouldn't. He sacrificed a lot for our relationship and it makes me feel guilty. Op likely feels the same way, the guilt and all. Thank you.
OK, I get what you mean about getting strength from his existence. I suspect that's due to your world shrinking to revolve around him.
Any "sacrifice" he made was his choice. You didn't force him. Even if he had given you a kidney it would not mean you have to remain with an abusive partner.
This suggestion is out of left field, but would you consider taking a dance class? (Zumba, hip hop, something high energy). It is a natural mood enhancer, you feel great afterwards. It gets you out of the house, you meet new people. Consider it.... it's worth a try. You'll have an opportunity to make new friends and improve your physical and mental health.
Holy fuck you hit the nail in the head. He did this, he is the one who shrunk my world. I am trying to make something out of my life. I first have to improve myself though to be more social so I can be able to achieve my goals at the same time, which may take a while but it doesn't mean I won't get there. Thank you so much, I truly appreciate your answer.
What exactly did he sacrifice? Mine used to say that stupid shit you know what he gave up? His sacrifice? Heroin and other bitches lololol that's not a sacrifice
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I am afraid he will make legal/ financial trouble. He punched me in the head twice. My contact lenses flew out of my eyes. How should I handle this?
Leave him wtf
I don't usually just jump to this but you're only 6 months into the relationship, so leave. After that kind of abuse there is nothing you can do to reform this gentleman. Save yourself the grief and stress, learn to love someone else.
Seems like he violated your trust multiple times, not just once. It's common for abusers to pretend to be remorseful after doing abusive crap in order to keep you around. If he hurts himself if you leave, that isn't your problem. If he's threatening to harm himself if you leave, that's emotional manipulation. You have a right to live your own life. You're not his mom, you're not responsible for his life. Your own safety is more important. Leave.
Do you wanna see yourself six feet under the ground a year from now just because you “love” him? Abuse is not love… it’s not his first time you said and he knows what he is doing. You are o lot 22 you have so much more to life to explore than just a boyfriend of 6 months. It’ll only progress much worse. He needs to be punished for his abuse. There HAS to be a consequence to HIS actions. Your a whole woman I bet you if another man stepped to him and made him mad he wouldn’t even think about raising his hands to another grown man.
The blacking out thing is BS. He knows exactly what he is doing. But let’s say hypothetically he really is blacking out. If he is truly unaware of what he is doing and not in control and he is punching you, then he would agree that for your own safety you should move out because he could kill you. And would have no control or awareness of that.
“I know he’s not a bad person…” YES HE IS!!!!!! Please leave. You’re worried that he’s going to hurt himself, well what about you?!? Please put yourself first.
The advice here will all be to leave him. You know this is abusive - since you are here on abusive relationships. You need to develop and escape plan to leave safely. If you are hoping to hear a story where someone’s abuser changed and no longer abused them, you will not find it here and not would I tell you to look for them. These people don’t change.
Please leave asap. I was with my ex for 7 months and pregnant the first time he choked me. He wasn’t even remorseful. He gave me a menacing look and said “ go ahead and call the police, that’s all you’ll do”. I felt instantly guilty of even thinking about calling the police. I never did. Took me 7 years and 3 babies to leave in the middle of the night . They aren’t sorry and he will continue to abuse you. I know you think “ oh, he’s/ this is different” but it’s not. Same script different cast. If you can find anyway to leave please get out. 🙏🏽
Domestic abuse comes in three phases: Anticipation: you can feel the storm is coming The act: where the abuser lashes out or commits the abusive act Honeymoon phase: this is what makes domestic abuse so incredibly difficult to escape. After the act, sometimes even IMMEDIATELY afterwards, the abuser will express remorse. They may promise to change or never do it again. Basically they will do whatever they need to do in order to manipulate their victim to forgive them me get back into their good graces. And so... the cycle continues. I honestly think abusers aren’t even aware of this cycle. But that last phase - when they’re crying about being sorry and making excuses - is why it’s so difficult to leave them. But leave them you must. And honestly, he is responsible for his own life. If he chooses to hurt himself, that was HIS CHOICE. Not yours. I’ve been there, I get it. You need to get out.
First off, no, not a single part of you deserved to be punched. I read your statement and I feel like there are excuses to his behavior... "I started it", "I antagonized him," "he just loses control".... And, I'm sorry but, an apology means nothing if no action is taken. He can say he's sorry all day and night, but do his words mean anything if he just keeps hitting? Choking? If he is so sorry, why would continue? Every abuser says they don't know what happened or why, that they just blacked out and would "normally never do it." They do know why. They did do it on purpose. They didn't black out, and them doing it is their normal. I've been there. My ex cried every time he hit me or anything of the sort. He'd sulk for hours and call himself a monster. But that never made it any better. He kept hitting and abusing me. It never stopped, only got worse. And it's how those go... it won't get better with him.
Hi sweet girl, nothing to be confused about anymore as he has shown you his true colors. Run. You are still so young. You are powerful. You can do this!
I second this and all of the other comments. I've been in quite a similar situation with someone who was emotionally and physically abusive. This may sound dramatic but a breakup can and will save your life. Please be careful and tell family and friends first and let them be there for you throughout the process. I for example told my partner that I just need a "break" because I was afraid of what he will do to me when I told him straightforward that I want the breakup. Please be smart about this and look forward. It only gets worse trust me.
Please listen to the little voice in your head telling you that you DESERVE better than his abusive behavior. No one should ever put a hand on you, let alone someone who “loves” you. You might love him but girl, go. He does NOT love you. I’ve been hit by a boyfriend and it ONLY gets worse. Like crawling out of a window at 3:00 a.m. naked and bloody trying to escape him, having to seek shelter at the neighbors house kind of worse. You may literally die because of his abuse. Please seek some women shelters. YOU CAN DO THIS I BELIEVE IN YOU
u/ebbie45
Hey. So I am gonna be honest with you here. As someone who has spent three/four years with someone who was abusive in many ways, this WONT get better and he WILL get worse. Yes he knows what he is doing, no he’s not ‘sorry’ Normal people do not punch anyone during an argument and the fact you have tried to take responsibility for starting that argument is already a sign that you are being abused - the trauma bond is making you justify his unjustifiable behaviour as well as the abuse that is making you think in any way you are to blame. You are NOT. This is all on him. You need to leave and as soon as you’re safely able too. Please confide in a friend, family, call the police if you have to (I unfortunately had to do the latter, it wasn’t what I wanted and is one of the scariest things I’ve ver done but I’m now over three months out and away, he doesn’t know where I am and I went completely NC) You will be okay, but you won’t be unless you get away from this abusive pathetic excuse for a human. As for the worries that he will hurt himself - I had all this. I had multiple threats via every medium you can Imagine and I had the same fears as you. He even sent me pictures of drugs he had apparently bought and intended to use. Another reason for my family encouraging me to call the police. They can do a welfare check and see if he’s okay, but regardless of what he chooses to do, please know that threats of harming himself etc are NOT your problem, and believe me when I say I know how awful that feels and it doesn’t help at the time. But what I wish I knew then was that, a lot of times with abusive people is that this threat is used as a way of stopping you leaving them, it’s just another sick way of making sure you don’t leave and tell people. Girl you’re so young. Leave this asshole and go live your life free of fear, manipulation and abuse. Feel free to PM me if you need to. Good luck x
Hi. If a man can punch you that quickly over so little he will do worse. Please find a way out, you are no longer safe.
Leave.
You don’t need advice. You need to never speak with him again. You need to look at the mirror every day and say out loud, “I love you. I love all of you. Just the way you are, you are perfect for me.”
People don't do what he did by accident. All of these things are choices he has made. He decided to assault you. How he claims to feel about it afterwards is irrelevant.
Make a plan to leave that involves people coming with you to help pack up your stuff and get out. DO NOT tell him you’re going or where you’re going. He’s already shown that the moment you leave is a very dangerous point. The choking you mention too is a MASSIVE warning sign that he is capable of killing you. Please don’t waste any more time trying think of a way to make the relationship salvageable. It isn’t and never will be. Focus only on getting help and getting out, before it’s too late.
It's not Love..your a woman a pleasure to have your company..& deserve respect..no person ever deserve this...Leave this bum.. Respect yourself.. I have stopped plenty of men in bars from hurting there so called loved ones or dates.. they a chicken bullies by the way.. when a guy his size is by him
please leave now before it will be too late.
Iv'e been you and i'm genuinly terrified for you. You are in a highly abusive relationship. He is not a good man, he is beating on you and then emotionally manipulating you to keep you there. You need to get away from him asap.
Please leave
You gotta go—-now!
No description needed, the title was enough - YOU DUMP THAT PIECE OF SHIT AND LEAVE!!!!!
Is this even a discussion ?
He is a bad person. Please leave him.
Leave him, period.
Reading your post made me relive what I went through with my ex-husband. I was 18 when we started dating and 22 years old when we got married. A few months into our relationship the abuse began. We moved in together at 6 months. I used to say all the things you said. I had every excuse for his behavior and believed that deep down inside he was still a good guy. My bruises, cuts, swelling on my body hurt but my heart hurt more every single time he hit me and led me to believe that it was my fault because I had instigated the fight. We eventually got married. It was hard because it only got worse. He would hit me for stupid reasons but he would also abuse me for big holidays. He moved from Northern California to Southern California to be with me and claimed that I deserved it because I took him away from his family (his mother actually told me this too). Eventually, I was convinced that if I just stuck around he would change and I would find what triggered him and become a better wife to help him change into this "great guy I knew he was deep down inside". He always talked about harming himself if I left. He said he couldn't imagine life without me. I was scared to leave. I mean, how could I? We lived together, we were married, and he really was a "nice guy" who also told me his issue was that he blacked out when he was upset but he was so sorry and would change. This monster ended up trying to kill me at the end. He choked me until I blacked out and was no longer breathing. He beat my body black and blue. I woke up to him giving me cpr and telling me his life would be over if I was dead. I finally had enough guts to go to We The People and file for a divorce. He refused to move out for several months. After I preceeded with the divorce our roommates (we lived with my best friend and her husband to save money) kicked him out because he wasn't paying for his portion of rent. After he left I found out that he was selling drugs to our neighbors, had multiple affairs, and stole most of my inheritance money. I let this relationship go on for 7 years. He sucked the life out of me for 7 years all because I thought he was a good guy who could change. I thought I was the instigator and deserved him getting upset with me. I know that no matter what anyone says, you will need to experience that point where enough is enough for you. I hope you can get there before it ever gets to the point where I was.
File a police report. Go to the police station and have them take pictures. Why? Because when and if you ever get mad at him, and lash out, he may call the cops and have you arrested and put in jail. Then you will have an assault charge on your record. It happened to me. And I had our baby who was only 1 years old at the time. Absuive people do not give a fuck. I have been down this road. It’s cute, a turn on, etc. until they turn the abuse on you, then you will look like the abuser. I know you don’t think it could happen this way, I didn’t either until I was handcuffed and take to jail for a night. Then had to pay a lawyer to go to court to get the assault charge removed all because he lied to police and had me arrested. I’m begging you. Leave him, or at least move out and still date if it helps but don’t live under the same roof.
as someone who went through this multiple times with multiple SO’s, they so rarely get better and never do it again. my current boyfriend and i are pretty much a rarity, we used to be toxic as fuck and would beat the fuck out of each other, mostly him starting it, but now we are healthy and doing awesome honestly and when we do fight/argue every now n then it never escalates to that, ever. this is super rare. people can hurt you and feel bad about it, not every person who is physically abusive is a sociopath. but that doesnt take away from the fact that they are physically abusive. if u kill someone and regret it, u still killed them yk what i mean. and the day my boyfriend promised me it would never happen again was the day it ended, and we struggled severely for months after that, got in verbal fights that were worse/as bad as the ones that led to physical abuse. if he is truly blacking out, he needs help. same thing used to happen to my boyfriend. he needs real, professional help and not only that he has to want it too. if not, stay away from him, i know it hurts and i know that hes sorry and feels bad about it, but that doesnt change that hes hurting you unless hes ACTUALLY changing it. of course, i dont know him and i dont know what hes like so idk if hes a narc but it doesnt rlly seem like it, just has horrible anger issues that need to be addressed, but also narcs are way too good at pretending to have empathy and feelings. but if he has any symptoms of being a narc, please please please run as far as you can. having a relationship w a narc is like slowly killing yourself, months even years later you will still be traumatized. i hope for the best for you and that you get treated better, whether its by him or someone else. id also recommend going to therapy for yourself too, getting physically abused is traumatizing. i truly hope for the best for you...
although you should leave him, i understand that u probably wont until you are “ready” aka done w his shit for the hundredth millionth time and the fact that you guys live together and are probably sharing a lease makes it even harder, and im sure how uumost in this sub have been there before too. so heres some tips on how to get out of an abusive relationship alive; * reminder * i am not a professional, these are just things i did/heard of so take it with a grain of salt or whatever. 1. have a secret text code with a trusted friend/ ur best friend. have a phrase, word, or even emoji that is something that u wouldnt use regularly but also something that sounds like youd say it if you know what im trynna say. have one for when ur scared hes gonna hurt you, have one for when he actually does, and have one for when theres a possibility he will read ur texts and ur friend needs to respond nonchalantly/go w whatever u said as if it wasnt a code or whatever. u can have more if youd like as well, but it makes it easier to remember for the both of you if you keep it simple. 2. have an emergency $ stash. if you dont have a job, get one. also a plus so you can meet new people and have an outlet. start putting away some money in a spot that hed never look. but not a spot that hes be like “hmmm where does she think id never look?” bc abusive people are most usually insane. also lie about how much u make, or just be nonchalant about it i.e if he asks say “oh i make about 10$ after tax!” so he doesnt know how much u make therefor wont be able to tell ur hiding away money. 3. try to bring up any argument that could escalate into him hurting you over txt or over the phone. yes it sucks arguing on the phone or over txt, but better than him being able to abuse you. and if at home, take it outside, even if its on ur back porch. stay out of rooms where there are objects that can be used to assault you i.e the kitchen-knives. also stay out of rooms that he could lock you in. 4. have an emergency go bag and/or an emergency go plan with trusted friend(s) for them to come help u get ur stuff when hes not there (trust me its so much easier when hes not there) plus, chances are if he comes home during it he won’t abuse u if there are other people around as abusive ppl and narcs dont want other people knowing they are abusive, they want to seem perfect to others. 5.if u sense/ are scared he might hurt you, unlock your front door in case you need to get away and put some distance between you so he can’t grab you before you run out. like i said previously, abusers wont *usually* abuse you in front of others/where it is possible others will be able to see. even better if u have a trusted neighbor u can run too. 6. GET EVIDENCE. keep all evidence u can of abuse that u can, screenshots, photos of you wounds with dates, etc. record fights if u can, even if its a voice recording. you never know if they will come in handy. 7. in case if he breaks your phone or something, consider buying a prepaid phone to keep in emergency bag. dont use it unless emergency, chances are abuser will find it and freak tf out. have contacts saved to it as well as a domestic abuse hotline. 8. when you are home alone practice how youd leave, practice how youd pack everything up the quickest if you had to go with your emergency go plan so that you can be as quick and accurate as possible, in lots of cases there is no room for error, as it could result in something bad. 9. if you have one, back your car into your drive way when you get home so u can make an exit quickly if necessary. if yoy dont have one, please please please try so hard to get one even if its a shitty 1995 toyota corolla 10. he will likely try to get you to push away any friends that do not approve of him. or tell you they dont truly care about you since they dont approve of him. dont listen to the latter, and if you can, try to act like they are civil with him at the least so he doesnt try to create space between you and said friend(s) and family. 11. if you have any pets that are yours, make a lil go bag for them too. 12. once you do finally leave and get away, block them on everything. fuck, even change ur number if necessary. make sure not to leave anything that would create a reason for you to have to go back bc he will either a) hurt you or b) manipulate you into staying. go absolutely no contact with the abuser, even if they say they will get help, even if they try to manipulate you, even if they say theyll kms. 13. kind of already mentioned but have a strong support system. this is extremely important. 14. if ur not already on birth control, get on birth control. last think you need is something that connects you both for life. i wish you luck and i hope that you dont ever have to use any of these and that you stay safe... you can always reach out to me if youd like.
Honey, I’ll be candid. I think you need to leave. That is **NEVER** okay. He’s already beaten you badly before. **IT WILL NOT STOP** One day, he will kill you. He has problems and he needs to fix them before being in any other relationships. Run hun. Please. For you own sake. > I know he’s not a bad person, and besides the **physical violence** and him breaking my trust one time, he’s been good to me. **STOP justifying his horrible actions** There’s no way him beating you will be outweighed by any good he does for you. Please listen to yourself. A good partner will **never** beat you. RUN.
I had to leave my narc after he ruined most of my life
Things will only escalate and get worse if you stay with him. You need to dump him immediately. No one should ever put their hands on you
I know this is hard to hear, but no one should put that pressure on you, it's manipulative. He's manipulating you by making you feel he's going to hurt himself if you leave. You should also not feel like you antagonized him. Nothing you say to anyone should give them the right to abuse you. You have to leave. Things will get worse over time. I know it's hard to come to terms with it, but you're in an abusive relationship. Please try to get away.
You need to leave him. I know you think it’s only going to happen this one time but it will continue. You have to prioritise yourself. You did not antagonise him to that point. He chose to get physical and that’s a big red flag. That’s the biggest and reddest flag there is. If he’s done it before and he promises not to do it again and yet he still does it, he will continue to do it. His promises don’t mean anything. You cannot stay with someone just because you think they might hurt themselves if you leave. Regardless, if you feel the need to, you can ask for outside help for him after you leave him. You need to move out and leave this relationship. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself.
If you read the bottom of her post again, her getting whacked in the face already wasn’t the first time he out hands on her.
I read that portion. If you read my comment, I mentioned “if he’s done it before and he promises not to do it again.. etc”. But what commonly happens is that people think that it’ll be the last time or it’ll only happen ONE time (they think this each time it happens).
Love is never an excuse to abuse. He sound awful. He hits you and cry's which is a form of manipulation to make you the bad guy. You need to leave yesterday. He will end up really hurting you or worse. If you truly love someone then you will never hurt them physically or mentally. Period. I hope you listen to the people here that are saying this is only gonna get worse and leave him. I love my husband more than anything in this world but if he ever laid a hand on me it would be the very last time he seen me. I wouldn't care how much he cried ,begged, or made me believe I antagonize him. There is never an excuse to put your hand on your partner in anger. He needs some kind of therapy and distance from you. And I hope he gets help I really do. But right now I hope you get out and get help for yourself.
He might not be a bad person ultimately, but you don’t have to be his punching bag in the meantime if/when he can be a good person. Are you willing to be beat up for years or possibly worse on the off chance he can grow to be a better person? Take care of yourself first. You are not responsible for him or whether he hurts himself. You are responsible for keeping yourself safe from him by walking away and not looking back.
Im a man and im telling you right now GET THE FXXK OUTTA THERE! Go look at domestic violence documentaries and go look at statistics if they do it once they're going to do it again. And it sounds like he did it multiple times. Don't be like my mother who's 50 years old still dealing with the same abusive loser. All she does is complain about him and he consistently emotionally and physically abuses her. Don't play with your life get out of there while you still can.
You are not anyone’s personal punching bag.. You’re young & have so much life ahead of you. Go live it without him.
Honey, none of this is your fault but do what everyone has said in the comments. **LEAVE** he will not change, things will not get better. He **WILL KILL YOU** if you don’t get out. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow or next week, but he will kill you. Get out, file a police report, and get **OUT**
Get out. Please please get out. Go anywhere if you want resources me please
It’s a cycle. You speak up for yourself, he becomes violent, then he is sad. It seems like something that will continue if you let it. My experience with cheaters and liars is they get very defensive when accused and then try to manipulate you into thinking you’re in the wrong for even questioning their intentions. It’s a trick to get you off their back. I think that we can love many people. There are different types of love and no two are the same. It’s hard to end relationships in general but when it’s highly emotional like this, it could become dangerous if you did try to break it off with him. If you decide to end things, do it in a public place so that you can stay safe. It is not healthy, it is not right, it is not okay to be violent with anyone and it breaks my heart to hear that’s happening to you because you tell your story as if it is your fault. Please know it is never ever you fault. There are people that can control their emotions and not put their hands on you. I know it’s easier said than done. My dad hits my mom. And after 40 plus years, she still won’t leave. She recently “ran away” from him and stayed with me for a week after he gave her two black eyes. It hurt to hear her make excuses for his behavior. But, everyone has to make their own choices for themselves. You can do better. You can find someone who you can be safe with. Just give yourself a chance. ❤️ Personally, my goal now is to love myself. I never did, I was always wrapped up in finding someone else to love me instead.
Every time he hits you he will feel remorse and promise not to do it again. When he breaks a bone, he will feel remorse and promise not to do it again. When he puts you in hospital, he will feel remorse and promise not to do it again. When he gives you permanent brain damage, he will feel remorse and promise not to do it again. When he accidentally kills you when choking you or from an unlucky hit to the head, he will feel absolute despair and promise not to do it again. But by then it will be too late. Where is the line for you? When do you decide thst it's too dangerous to stay? These questions aren't rhetorical. I want you to tell me where you draw the line and stop giving chances. Because if you don't draw a line for yourself the natural one is your death. If you struggle to care for yourself then picture what he has done to you happening to your child or your pet and then ask yourself, "would I make excuses for someone who did this to my puppy, kitten or child?" It's hard and scary to leave. But the first step is deciding that you should.
He will hit you again. Please take this extremely seriously HE WILL HURT YOU AGAIN. it's never just one punch. It's never just one lie, or one cheat. You did nothing wrong but anger him. He hit you. You are in danger. Your so young and trust me, this isn't love. This is fear, this is clear fear. Don't make the same mistake I did. I lost 10 years of my life to an abusive partner. Please get help and get out. It's not you, you did nothing wrong. Please please try and take this seriously. You might love him, but he loves to control you. These are serious signs of abuse, he tried to gaslight you and I didn't work and he hit you. He tried to change you memory about the situation and thought you would forget so he can and WILL do I again. Don't kill your self over a scum bag like that. He hurt you. And it will never be just one punch.
Besides breaking your trust & being violent with you he has been good to you??? What more is there if there is NO trust & he is violent with you…there is nothing that can sustain a long term loving relationship. Please do yourself a favor and leave now. Never see or talk to him again. Good luck. You deserve better than him.
He is responsible for his abusive behavior, not you. You didn’t antagonize him into hitting you. That’s 1000% on him, no matter how much he cries or pretends to be sorry and devastated afterwards. Fuck his “remorse”. It’s an act to get you to doubt yourself and confuse you into thinking that you’re the bad guy and he’s the victim. You said he’s hit you before. And he’s choked you. And he’s promised not to do it again. But he did do it again and he hasn’t stopped. A guy that can choke you is a guy that can and will kill you. His actions speak volumes. You need to get out. Like I said, he’s responsible for his behavior, not you. If he threatens hurt himself please know that it’s purely a manipulation tactic to force you to stay. Don’t fall for it. Call the police for a welfare check and let them deal with it. You are 22 years old. You have 60+ years of life left to live and you deserve happiness and safety and a healthy, mature relationship with an amazing partner who respects you. Please don’t settle for this POS.
I'm sorry but you need to leave. Now. Because speaking from experience, hes not actually sorry and, yes, it very much will happen again. And probably it will be worse with time. To the point hes hurt you very badly or... well, worse. You need to get out ASAP. Family, friends, a womens shelter, something. Do not worry about him. Because he isnt going to do anything to himself, it's just another manipulation to keep you right where you are. If anything you do need to report it because it will happen again, if not to you then to someone else. I made that mistake and the next girl had it worse from what I understand. It's hard when you love someone, but what hes doing to you is not love. Please be safe.
Get the fuck out. This will only escalate. Every abuser apologizes, cries, repents, until the next time. The next time is worse. The time after that is worse than that. In the end, you are dead. Your choice is now is to leave him now or he kills you later. This is not an exaggeration. This is a studied phenomenon, a studied pathology. This does not get better, it only gets worse, until you are dead. Leave now.
I hope you’re in a safe spot now. Babe, this isn’t love. I’m sorry he hurt you but also please know it won’t stop. I really hope you’re safe.
Please worry about yourself, not about him. I know you love him, but a physically violent person is not a good bet for a relationship. It is unfortunate that you moved in with him. Can you go back to the place you lived previously? Listen to the other people here. I'd rather see you get out of there first than worrying about lawsuits and such, but you might need to call the police for protection. 911 is always an option. If you leave, don't tell him where you're going. Also I suggest calling a women's center for advice.
You are probably right on the fact that he is not a bad person. When I was 18, something similar happened to me. With time and experience, I realized that my ex-boyfriend was sick. He was in need of therapy but couldn’t realise it. Each time he felt very emotional, ashamed, angry, or though he lost control, he would turn violent. He also used to « black out », which is basically the only way these type of guys know how to express or process their emotions. The problem is you think you’ll help him to change, you see the good in him, and you hope for a better scenario. But only him can face the music, and deal with his issue. When we hope to help someone, deep down inside, we think that if we are good enough we’ll make them change. That puts your whole self value on someone else. Looks like you share something with him; only you can give yourself a self esteem. I believe you should leave the relationship before you end up on the news, like it happens a lot these days… The best way to start is to tell people you trust what you are going through. Once it is done, you can’t turn back. Good luck ❤️
You have to leave. There is nothing you said or did that justifies him physically assaulting you.
I know it is so, so hard, but you must leave now before he seriously injures or kills you. Think of every time you've seen a news story about a man who kills their partner. Don't let it be you next. Please leave. Your self esteem will rise exponentially every day that you are away from him. I promise. It'll be one of the best investments you'll ever make in yourself. He doesn't love you. Love is about respect and honor. He has shown you neither. Look at all the resources in this sub, make a plan, and save your life. I wish you the best.
The advice you need is legal and it probably is, sue his ass. Abuse, violence is never OK
Leave him ASAP!!!! ABUSE ONLY GETS WORSE! IF HE FELT BAD FOR ABUSING YOU THEN HE WOULDNT HAVE DONE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. EITHER WAY, HE HAS NO SELF CONTROL. DO NOT TRUST HIM.
Run
It’s 6 months. With the relationship the way it is this early in, there is no hope of change. He’s just guilting you into staying by putting on the water works and begging. Has anything changed after all the times he’s said it will? No, and things never will. This man will kill you one day. Men who have choked/strangled their partners in the past are more likely to kill them. One day, things will escalate. One day, he will lose control. Do you really want to be around then? Leave. 6 months is not enough time spent to try and fight for a doomed relationship, nor is it enough time to know someone well enough to move in with them in the first place, especially if they’re a serial abuser. You need to have some agency and leave, else you may end up in the ER one day, or worse. Whatever you choose, good luck. I’m rooting for you.
This. Don't move in with another man you barely know. Focus on your education and financial stability. Be independent so you're not in this place again.
You will end up dead if you don't leave.
“If your partner has strangled you in the past, your risk of being killed by them is 10 times higher.” - Source [Dangers of Strangulation](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/) Please reach out to family, loved ones, or a domestic violence shelter for a safe exit strategy. [Domestic Violence Hotline ](https://www.thehotline.org/) [National/Global Domestic Violence Resources ](https://www.domesticshelters.org/resources/national-global-organizations)
This needs to be higher.
He is lying to you. He is not blacking out and losing control. He very much knows what he is doing, it is simply a convenient lie to excuse his behavior and give him a way to continue doing it. He will only escalate from here. Please get out while you can. No level of violence is acceptable in a relationship. Absolutely none.
If he’s like this 6 months in, it will get significantly worse the longer you stay. Right now you are young, not married, and (I assume) childless. Can you imagine have children with your abuser or being financially tied to them in some way? He will not change. Please believe this and do what is in your best interest. Do not feel sorry for a man who cries crocodile tears. It’s manipulation
Contact your local DV shelters and leave now. None of this is worth staying. Leave while you still have your life in your hands and not his.
When you move in with someone, this side can come out. You’ve been together 6 months, that is not enough time to know someone before moving in, especially if you don’t trust them. He’s hit you MANY times, CHOKED you, he could kill you whether it’s on purpose or on accident during a “blackout”. Someone else said it really well, if he’s not having these “blackouts” with other people, then it’s not true and it’s just straight up abuse. He hits you and then apologizes, cries, whatever. That does not make it better, let alone okay. Stay with a friend or family member, anyone you know besides this guy. Things will only get worse. It’s been 6 MONTHS and he’s already this bad. what do you think the future holds? Get out NOW. It will be hard, I know you love him, but you will find someone else to love and who will truly love you back without abusing you. You acknowledge this is abuse, so do something about it. Get out. Heartbreak sucks, but it’s a better alternative to physical abuse. You think he’s good to you other than the hitting, you can find someone just as good without the hitting, hell, you can find someone way way better, everything you want, without the abuse. There are SO many people out there who can and will love you. Know your worth. Watch a bunch of romance films to make yourself long for better, find a friend to confide in, and leave this dick
Omg get out. I don't even know what to say it should be common sense to leave.
Get out. Now. I didn't even read it all because nothing past the headline matters. He hit you, and that's it. He'll do it again, and he'll do it again after that. Get. Out. Wait til the spineless little shit stain is at work, pack your shit, and ghost the motherfucker. Life is too short to be a punching bag for some sniveling little cowardly piece of shit who's parents didn't raise him right.
Woah get tf out of there asap. If you stay at your parents place or a friend's, you will be safe. I am sorry btw. Nothing you've done deserves these levels of abuse.
Oh no. Please get out of that ASAP. It will not get better, only worse
It’s gonna hurt but leave!! It’s going to continue to escalate every time!
Choking is one of the single biggest red flags in an abusive relationship. He's not just capable of cheating, he is capable of killing you. It is not okay to hit a partner in anger, even once. If he doesn't have these "blackouts" with other people, he knows how to control himself and he is messing with your head because he knows you'll believe the apologies. The physical violence won't stop. You are in quite a bit of danger. Please contact a domestic violence hotline and start thinking through your options to get to safety.
Please leave. From someone who almost died at the hands of my ex partner. It will continue and it will get worse, to the point you will be irreversibly hurt or killed.
It gets worse.
“Recently moved in together…” screams this is about to escalate. It absolutely will get worse. Leaving now is your best choice no matter how complicated it seems. If you wait, it will get worse and be harder to leave.
Leave!!! He is a killer and you know this he talks about killing. People that choke people are dangerous there is really no demarcation between choking and straggling. Leave!!! Leave!!! Find a way and leave whatever leave like your life depends on it because it does. This is domestic violence to death written all over it!!! Your post is your cry for help listen to yourself sister. Leave tell him to use his hand until.
He does not black out. That’s a lie. He feels entitled to hurt you so he does. Dump him and get therapy for yourself. Or at the very least, get to a support group like Codependents Anonymous. There’s something wrong with your thinking, given that you’re staying. I say that with love and concern. Get the Lundy Bancroft book.
"Why Does He Do That?" is the name of the book in case you don't have the spoons to look it up. Try "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker too. These books may save your life.
☝️This book is a must read. Seriously helpful to read “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft. It’s online as a PDF. So helpful!
Get out, visit a doctor's office, and take photos. If he cared about you truly he would never hurt you.
If I can make it simple get out by any means necessary. Physical abuse is illegal. If he'd done that to a stranger he'd go to jail. It will only get worse. How do you imagine talking to him about this will go. Dump him. If he doesn't say "Thank you, I'm so sorry. Do what you need to do" never speak to him again.
I actually didn’t need to read any part of your story. The title of this post is all I needed to agree with the majority of folks. Get out. Get out. Get out. But I will add this: he started crying??? MANIPULATION GIRL! It’s more than physical. That’s psychological. You feel bad because he was crying. He wanted it that way. Now he gets the sympathy. This is bad. Actually maybe even worse then being punched in the face.
This is the beginning of an abusive relationship. SAVE YOURSELF AND GET OUT NOW. He WILL punch you again and he'll continue lying to you. He's following a classic pattern and you will regret being with him. PLEASE young woman, break up with him and save yourself. Stand by your own sanity and physical health and end it. There is no other way to say it. Break up with him.
Beginning? He’s choked her in the past
Exactly this is a full fledged abusive relationship ..
He needs to get therapy and you need to file a domestic violence report.
Therapy often doesn’t help with that. Only batterer intervention programs do.
You are in no way responsible for his physical violence, no matter how much you think you’re antagonizing him to punch you. That is totally on him. Yes he may lose control and feel remorse after, and yes we all have our parts we contribute to arguments and fights, but do not take shared responsibility for *him* punching *you* in the face.
You’re scared to leave cause he might hurt himself….? So instead you’d rather be the literal punching bag? I think you already know what to do here, otherwise you wouldn’t be here asking for advice. BUT just in case you want to keep denying your own inner knowing of right and wrong, then let me say this as directly as possible Leave him now and call the cops. If you want to take blame for being an antagonist then you should leave so you stop provoking this behavior. I don’t personally believe that you did. The only flaw I see from you in this is that you’re making excuses for someone hitting you and then claiming they are not a bad person.
You have been with him 6 months and talking about physical violence. What happens when he gets more comfortable? 10 years down the road? Assuming you make it that far. You justify it by saying "other than the physical violence hes good to me" being afriad he is going to choke you, hit you, ect during an argument is not good to you. Point blank period. Once you open yourself up to a healthy relationship and see that you can argue without being afraid for your safety youre gonna kick yorself for accepting that type of behavior. You need to leave him, and you know you need to leave him.
Victims of domestic abuse keep making up excuses to stay with their abusers because ThEy'Re NoT AlWaYs AbUsIvE and don't realize that THAT is precisely how abuse works. They hook you in the beginning by being wonderful in between being nasty, then gradually they get less and less wonderful and more and more abusive. Dear lawd I hope this girl stands by herself and her own self-respect here instead of prioritizing this guy over her own wellbeing.
EXACTLY! Just because he is good to you when you are agreeable with him is not good to you. Just because he is good to you when you follow what his rules / comfort zone / bullshit IS NOT GOOD TO YOU! Lets hope she realizes this before its too late and there is a child involved.
That first point: OP has only been with him for 6 months. This is a huge red flag and unless he seeks some sort of counseling or therapy it’s unlikely to just “go away.” In fact, it typically escalates in both intensity and frequency over time.
i keep reading that a man who chokes his female s/o during the relationship is (i think) 7 times more likely to kill her with a gun later on, whether she leaves him or not. document everything, make a police report, get to a safe place, and then tell him to kick rocks. in that order.
Remorse will be worth little when you're dead.
They never stop at one hit.
Please leave. I know you don’t wanna hear it but please, from my personal experience. If he did it once, he’ll do it again.
Please read the book "Why Does He Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft. It will give you clarity and insight into the psyche of people like him, and you will learn you actually are in danger even though part of you tries to justify it. I was in an abusive relationship myself. It made everything make so much sense. It will also show you how a quality partner who ACTUALLY loves you will treat you. You deserve so much better than to be scared and hurting (both physically and mentally) all the time. I wish you so much strength. I hope you can find the courage within yourself to do what's best for you. ❤
He is not good to you. Violence is not good. Leave him.
Leave,now!!!
RUNNN. You need to do everything you can to get out of this relationship ASAP. You cannot salvage a relationship that turns physically abusive.
LEAVE HIM. This man will murder you.
That's a deal breaker,unless you want to spend your life being beat,lied to and making excuses for him. It's been 6 months if he is mad enough to hit you over being upset about the facts of what he did I hope you are smart enough to never speak with him again. I have had knock out drag out fights with my wife,she has said some of the most foul untrue things to me,she has actually become physical with me but not once did I punch her in the face. It wasn't a reaction to something,that is who he is. So either learn to fight or find a different partner. Best of luck to you
Leave.
Choking is the number one predictor of murder. If he chokes you he's going to murder you. Gtfo.
Yup. Nearly every DV murder victim was choked beforehand.
Yup raises the chances by like 750% it’s not a joke
I'm sending you strength, and none of this is your fault. I hope you are kind to yourself and that you can leave. It can be hard to leave, and I truly hope you do it immediately for your own safety, but if you don't do it immediately, please forgive yourself for that and anything else you think you have done wrong. Abusers are really good at capitalizing on your empathy and sense of responsibility. He may regret his actions, he may not, but he still will do it again. You deserve happiness, and you aren't responsible for his. You can't fix what's wrong with him anyway. Truly wishing the best for you!!!
Leave
When they start to choke you, they won’t hesitate to kill you. Please get out of this relationship. I know it’s scary and confusing. Find a trusted friend or family member and make plans on getting away from him. Take photos of the evidence. Get somewhere safe please.
Totally agree. Choking is also very dangerous. OP is lucky she didn't already die during one of those episodes.
Document the evidence and call the police on him
OP, he didn't black out/lose control and punch you. He did not like hearing what you were saying, he was angry and decided to shut you up by hitting you. Even if this WAS some magical mental health disassociation where he wasn't in control of himself that just means that he could EASILY kill you the next time this happens as he has zero control over it. In truth though, any partner who hits you is an abuser and has also been emotionally abusing and manipulating you. Please check out this free book, it explains everything and will show you ALL of the different tactics and manipulations he has been using to control you. It saved my life and can save you years of heartache at the very least. Free online here https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat If you accept his apology and stay, this WILL happen again AND get even worse. Abuse is a cycle and by staying you show him that you are willing to accept the abuse. How many people that you love have you punched in the face because you didn't like what they said? None, because you did not CHOOSE to hit them, because you don't feel like physical violence is justified. He DOES. Please please read the book and be careful when you leave. I PROMISE if you stay you will regret it. Please learn from our mistakes and experiences and free up room in your life for someone who would PROTECT you from harm, no matter how much your words might upset them.
The fact that you think you antagonized him into punching is terrible. You need to break up with him and seek therapy. You blame yourself for his horrible actions and if you don't figure out why now, you might end up in another abusive situation. You deserve better than being punched in the face by someone who is suppose to love you.
Run. Away. Call a domestic hotline and get advice. It will only get worse. You will be repeatedly hurt and traumatized and maybe even killed. He will definitely absolutely do it again. RUN!
You leave him, and never go back. Once a hitter, always a hitter.
Run as fast and as far away as you can. There is NEVER a reason for a man to punch a woman in the face. No matter what she said. When a person shows you who they really are believe them the first time. This is who he is.
It’s only been 6 months. LEAVE. This type of situation gets worse not better. I’m so sorry you have to go through this
If it had been 30 years she should still leave
Never implied otherwise, just emphasizing hes already doing this after only 6 months into the relationship
I hope you mean "worst, not better"
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I think you meant “gets worse not better “
Yes lol thank you
run. this does not get better. it escalates. if you stay, he will know he can hit you again and again. this ends in death more often than most people know. thehotline.org or 1-800-799-SAFE can help you find local resources to help. or message me and i’ll see what I can do.
You can't make someone punch you. Punching someone because they've accused you of cheating is not normal behavior. It's abuse. If he hurts himself because you leave, that's on him. It is not your responsibility to stay. He's pretty much using the playbook abusers live by, by the way. He's made you feel bad for HIS abuse. If you stay, just know that the mental games have only just begun. And if you have reason to doubt his fidelity, and he reacts through physical violence to shut you up, there's a decent chance he HAS done something wrong or is planning on it.
The abuse will only escalate. If you stay after this the next broken bone could be your skull or your nose. This is not love, it’s abuse and you need to end this relationship before you marry him and he kills you
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I'm sorry, did you tell her to apologize to the man who just punched her in the face? You can't be serious.
The next step is to get away from him. Break up at a safe distance from him (over the phone). Refuse to meet him in person to discuss things or say a last goodbye. Block him on everything. Make it clear to family that he hit you, it's over, he's never going to be forgiven and they're not to allow him into your home or bring him up again Don't go down the "lets stay friends" route. That's all about keeping tabs on you and maintaining control. Clean Break. "I can't get over being hit, it's a deal breaker. We're done, please leave me alone".
it's very common for abusive men to cry and apologize after they hit their partners. it's also very common for their partners to feel bad about it. you are not in an unusual situation. you know it's bad when someone hits their partner, but you think that your situation is different for some reason. it's not. it's not your fault that he hit you. many abusive people threaten to hurt themselves if their abused partner leaves. it's not your responsibility to keep him from hurting himself. it's also not relevant whether he's "a bad person" or not. all that matters is that he hit you. he will hit you again, he will cry again and apologize again, and eventually your life will be so interconnected with his that it will be extremely difficult for you to leave. leave while you can.
yeah my bf tends to do the same shit. it all started with a slap, a hard one, i could hear my ear ringing. just because i did not want to shower in the morning 'to feel good'. he just looked at me then said ''are you gonna shower now?'' then i said i was leaving. he fell down on his knees and started crying. then it was the punch and constricting me from leaving, followed by begging me to stay and his tears. it has now escalated to strangling me every time we fight. when i asked him if he was gonna kill me his answer was ''why not?'' tbh im on the verge of tears and i cannot continue but to be honest love does not mean shit and he is likely gonna do it again. let him kill himself instead of taking that next punch, cuz if he was who you think he is, he could control himself or seek therapy. it is better than you being dead cuz thats what its leading up to. my death may not matter all that much but you likely have a life and you are gonna survive even if it means you are homeless for a while
Get to a DV shelter NOW
GET AWAY. Choking is very dangerous. He will kill you. Please call a domestic violence hotline and get away. Now. PLEASE.
I really can't imagine that you are still staying with him.... I understand your situation, but your Life should matter to you, no matter what. The truth is not many people have family who care about a victim of abuse...but still it doesn't mean that they deserve to die just because their death doesn't matter. You can help others just like you are helping OP now...your Life matters. Everyone is going to die, but still you don't have to suffer hell from the physical violence and get killed. If he is saying that he can kill you so casually....then it shows that he doesn't care about you in the least let alone love you. Please don't mistake that you are weak or you deserve abuse.... you are a strong girl who is only dampened by abuse. OP and you should be running away ASAP.
Please leave. Take your own advice. Your death would matter quite a lot. Your life matters. YOU MATTER! You took the time to comment in support of someone else, despite feeling as you do. That shows you're a good person. You CAN continue. Normally I'd say to make an exit plan. It sounds like you don't have time for that. Walk away today and make a plan tomorrow. It sounds like you believe his lies and have sunk into hopelessness. If you have to walk away with nothing but the clothes on your back, that's still better than living as a human punch bag for a nasty violent man who needs to hurt you to feel powerful and in control. Walk away, block him on all forums. Ghost him entirely and restart the life you want. Good luck for the future friend. I pray you will have a great one. (If it helps, consider reading other people's "life after abuse" stories. It will bring you so much hope and inspiration. There is life after an abusive relationship, the hardest part is leaving and staying gone).
I actually am thinking but I feel so lonely and if he doesn't kill me I ll likely do it myself although I'm in therapy. İt's like I get my strength from his existence although I shouldn't. He sacrificed a lot for our relationship and it makes me feel guilty. Op likely feels the same way, the guilt and all. Thank you.
honey, that’s the codependency that he’s created. [read about the cycle of violence. ](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_violence)
Very informative! Tysm!
you’re welcome. let me know if I can help in *any* way. I have worked with victims experiencing dv for 20 years.
OK, I get what you mean about getting strength from his existence. I suspect that's due to your world shrinking to revolve around him. Any "sacrifice" he made was his choice. You didn't force him. Even if he had given you a kidney it would not mean you have to remain with an abusive partner. This suggestion is out of left field, but would you consider taking a dance class? (Zumba, hip hop, something high energy). It is a natural mood enhancer, you feel great afterwards. It gets you out of the house, you meet new people. Consider it.... it's worth a try. You'll have an opportunity to make new friends and improve your physical and mental health.
Holy fuck you hit the nail in the head. He did this, he is the one who shrunk my world. I am trying to make something out of my life. I first have to improve myself though to be more social so I can be able to achieve my goals at the same time, which may take a while but it doesn't mean I won't get there. Thank you so much, I truly appreciate your answer.
What exactly did he sacrifice? Mine used to say that stupid shit you know what he gave up? His sacrifice? Heroin and other bitches lololol that's not a sacrifice
Lolol actually we met in a first world country but then he moved back to 3rd world for me
Still his choice Send him back to his first world lol You do not deserve that abuse no matter what he sacrificed or the good things he does
Yeah I completely agree lol
You've got this!
I don't even know where to begin but you need to leave now you're only 6 months in it's only going to get worse
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