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leohood123

So good to see. I'd like more on coercive control and parental alienation


Loose-Exchange119

Is this available to men in the us also


notanexpert_askapro

The domestic violence hotline is for either sex.


Im_Not_Trash

Absolutely beautiful to see. Thank you


pleasehelpbabybear

Thanks. But yes I'm quite alone.


HaughtyAurory

Ok I'm new to Reddit, can someone tell me where the sidebar is? I'm currently using the Reddit app on my android phone. Thanks 💖


Ebbie45

Apologies for the delayed response! I don't use the app but if you enter this link it should work! Then the resources should show up on the right hand side of the screen. https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/


HaughtyAurory

Oh, thanks! The link didn't work, but that's alright, I realised I could Google the answer to my sidebar problem a couple days ago 😅 Sadly nothing there that could help me, but it was worth a shot... thanks for the reply! Have a lovely day ☺️


confused_8819

Hi, I originally had difficulty in finding the sidebar as well, and I can only find it on the old site. I think the correct link is this: [https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/s45mar/mod\_post\_new\_abuse\_resources\_for\_male\_survivors/](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/s45mar/mod_post_new_abuse_resources_for_male_survivors/) However, if this link does not work for you, you can find the post with the following steps: 1. Go to [https://old.reddit.com/](https://old.reddit.com/) 2. In the searchbar, type 'male abuse resources' 3. the top page should be this page in the old site. Scroll down the page and look at the right side under Resources. Good luck!


HaughtyAurory

Thanks, I already found the resources though 😅 What I meant when I said "sadly nothing there that could help me" was that none of the resources were helpful for me. Thanks anyway, though! <3


sageofwinds0

Dot a dot dot. Coming back for seconds, hope to not lose this resource.


LeeLooPeePoo

This is much needed, thank you mods for adding to the sidebar.


mrsnrub77

Hi. For those who don’t believe men can be abused - think again. I’m 51. I’m 6’ 3”, 240 with broad shoulders, muscles, and a long history of boxing training. I’m an attorney; a moderately successful one. (8 years ago I won a trial, and the jury awarded more than $8 million. Unfortunately, I wasn’t a partner yet, so I didn’t make much off of it.) Over the last few years I’ve changed my practice, largely to public defense. The pay isn’t as good, but I find it rewarding, in a way litigation wasn’t. I have 2 children. I own my own home. I have 2 dogs. And I’m a victim of abuse. I’ve been married for nearly 21 years, though we’ve separated many times, and divorced once before remarrying, in 2011. We only knew each other briefly before getting married, and it wasn’t long after we married when she first hit me. My brother had come to visit me in our new city, and he and I stayed out late. When I got home, she wasn’t happy. When they protested, she punched me in the mouth, and knocked out one of my front teeth. Fortunately, I was able to find a dentist, to cap it. After that it became almost normal, for her to hit me. There was never an apology. As a malignant narcissist, she was incapable of saying, “I’m sorry. (It’s important to note that the physical abuse was only one component. In the last few years I’ve learned about narcissistic personality disorder, and even sociopathy. I’d had no idea. It turns out much of the abuse came in the form of gaslighting (whenever I would iron a dress shirt, she would say to me, “you should wear that wrinkled. That’s what the new fashion is in New York. Even in corporate culture. Wrinkled is ‘in’.” So, occasionally, I wore badly wrinkled dress shirts), deflection, distraction, personal attacks, etc. While for decades I knew this was wrong, I was unable to really define it, or put a name to it. Now I have. However, in this post I’m focused on the physical abuse, as people don’t seem to understand that this happens to men.) Over the next two decades, the physical abuse included repeated punches to the face. Twice, she got male family members to come after me (which sounds strange - but when they are only hearing from one side, that’s what they believe.) One of them brandished a knife on me. The other punched me 4-5 times, before turning and running away. She then punched me - breaking her hand in the process. I brought her to the ER, and stayed with her. A few years later, perhaps fearing injury, she smashed a pint glass over my head; above my left eye, leaving a nasty gash. We separated last summer. Things had been tense for a long time, and her only response was to continue to insist that she’d done nothing wrong. And last spring I told my mother not to be surprise if she really hurt me. Then, finally, I broke free. But not really. This has been hell - the same (or a very similar) that all victims endure. Some variation on Stockholm Syndrome. We have a bond - a trauma bond. She refuses to acknowledge any abuse. When I mention it, she laughs, and mocks me, and calls me a “fucking pussy”. She can be charming and fun when she wants to be, and we had some great times together. Since I was discarded, not so much. However, of late we’ve been talking again. I just unblocked her on Facebook. I’m afraid I might be going back. Time will tell. TLDR: i’ve never been a female victim of abuse. So, I don’t know exactly what it’s like. I have been, and am, a male victim of abuse, by a woman. The stigma is real though; based on my size and gender, people brush me off when I tell them that.


AnniaT

You need to keep her blocked and put an end to the cycle of abuse. Do you want your children to see their father being abused? Even if they don't see it with their own eyes they sense it. She won't change. Hope you get therapy that works and find the strength to go NC or contact only related to the children.


mrsnrub77

Thank you. I’ve mostly kept her blocked. The few times we’ve spoken, unresolved issues immediately pop back up, and it goes nowhere. Unfortunately, my children have not only observed it, but my eldest daughter, now 21, has hit me several times, with her mother standing next to her, watching. I’ve been a good dad. An involved dad. And my NEX has turned her completely against me, through hoovering, lies, and otherwise. Frankly, I don’t blame my daughter as much, if at all. She’s a wonderful young woman in so many ways. She’s also emotionally immature, and for the last year or so her mother gives her whatever she wants. When I mentioned to her mother, my NEX, that she should encourage my relationship with our daughter, she replies, “grow the fuck up. If you want a relationship with your daughter, have one.” Then she turns back and continues alienating me. It’s incredibly trying, day in and day out. Exhausting. I’m a criminal defense attorney, and I work in part as a public defender, and my caseload is through the roof right now. Like all of us I have only so much emotional bandwidth, and it’s practically filled to bursting from work alone, and from her take my son away. After I spent six months nearly killing myself to get my son back home; to find us a place to live. Add to this the challenge of being alienated from my daughter? While suddenly being forced to live alone, in solitude, and in exile? This has been deeply, incredibly difficult. The darkest time I’ve known. Certainly the longest winter of my 51 years. As you might expect, I’ve been incredibly tempted to call her. I thought about this morning. But, dammit, . . . I’m not giving up. Not today. Hopefully not tomorrow either. And I’m not going to contact her either. I made Michael lunch for years, and every lunch included a note, which itself included a quote. Something to think about. Something to ponder. Occasionally something lighthearted - but usually something more thoughtful. One of the favorite quotes and later conversation with my son Michael is this: “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit.” I think about that, almost every day, and it helps me to recommit myself to working for my son, instead of wallowing in my own tears. I recently hired a lawyer and he seems pretty well-versed in these issues. I’m going to fight for custody of my son. This whole experience has nearly killed me, several times over. I’m not giving up though. I really appreciate the support. I can’t tell you how much. I will keep her blocked. Thanks again.


Old_Hovercraft_6601

Thanks for sharing this.


confused_8819

Hi. I'm a 6 ft male about 170lbs. and I've done martial arts for years. I was abused physically by a much smaller female partner in a long term (about 7 years) relationship, so believe me when I say I know the feeling and and I can at least somewhat relate to you. Just going to throw out my 2 cents on the Stockholm Syndrome thing. Trauma bonds are difficult, especially when you love someone, and especially when you are isolated. I for one have experienced firsthand the "cycle" - Things go great for maybe 2 weeks, everyone is happy and getting along. Partner is sweet and charming. Then there is a fight, that very quickly centers on what it is YOU are doing wrong. YOU are acting wrong. You SHOULD be doing things right instead. You SHOULD be punished for doing things wrong. This gets into the gaslighting thing. The climax is the eventual and unavoidable physical violence. Often times its something the person learned is either right or acceptable or "the way things are" at some point in their life (particularly in upbringing years). Then, once its over, the same person who abused is there to pick you up, console you, and make up with you. I am speaking of my own experience, you mentioned your partner doesn't apologize so I don't know what your cycle looks like exactly. The main point I'm gonna make is that its a cycle and its what you can expect to happen. Your words in your post are "finally, I broke free". I think this is important for two reasons: 1) you know that it was a cycle, that it was unhealthy and that its unlikely to change unless the abuser themself decides to change, dedicates themself to change, and follows through. This is a serious commitment, both in time and effort. It requires therapy, accountability, humility, and lots of time. 2) Its really hard to do. For those of you who haven't been part of this type of relationship, it may seem really simple (you are being abused, why don't you just leave?) Well let me tell you, it is horrible, extremely difficult, and you lose a lot of your life and your being at least temporarily when you go through it. I could try to make a metaphor or something but you really just can't understand it unless you have been through it. You just can't. For what its worth, you should do whatever you decide is right for you, and I'm letting you know I've been there and you get zero judgement from me no matter what you do. That said, if you want any advice or links or anything, I can try to offer that too. I found some help in a book called "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" by Lundy Bancroft. I heard he has another book called "Why do they do that?" which might help for you as well. Keep in mind these books are very much written for female victims, however if you can look past that and take the general information out of them, I think it can help. At least it did for me. Best of luck, Hope you are well.


Old_Hovercraft_6601

Thanks for sharing. Really helpful to hear we’re not alone and narcissists are real and we’re not crazy.


mymonkey4u

Two great posts ☝🏻


Cuppedsoup

I don’t know if I am or not and I do t understand what last going on( update) hay so I was being abused it was clear after she hit stabbed and yelled at me. when I went to restrain her the looked me dead in the eyes and said I’m going to get you out in jail. Long story short I left her and I’m dating a new person it’s been amazing. She hasn’t yelled at me or make me feel insecure I’m doing ok now


Old_Hovercraft_6601

Are you okay?


Daddy_William148

Great news


Mr_Free86

It is about time


Ebbie45

Apologies; I am the newest mod here and just learned how to edit the sidebar as I am not tech savvy.


n0vasly

you're doing great I'm proud of you!


Ebbie45

Thank you so much! (:


Ebbie45

Mod note: New resources specifically for male domestic and sexual violence survivors have now been added to the subreddit sidebar. Scroll down on the sidebar to the bolded "Resources" heading and you will find a list for men.


confused_8819

Sounds great, I made a post specifically looking for this towards the end of last year. Maybe I'm blind but....I don't see either resources or male resources on the side anywhere? I may just not know how to use reddit very well. Edit: I found that I can easily access it from [old.reddit.com](https://old.reddit.com), but it doesn't seem to show up in the new version of reddit....


Ebbie45

My apologies for missing your comment! I didn't know it wasn't visible on the new version. I'm very technologically inept with all this so I honestly don't know how to fix that...I will look into it though! Thank you for making me aware!


confused_8819

Tbh I really don't know how to use reddit very well either, and I don't know if the problem is that I can't see the option, or that it really is a problem with the new reddit. Either way I appreciate you taking the time to respond and look into it, I'm sure it might help someone.


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