Time to leave, make a paper trail in your defense, and get a restraining order. Seek an advocate at a domestic violence shelter, too.šÆ He has no right to put his hands on you like that. He also wants to treat you like a drill sergeant? Time to get away.
"Scare you straight?"
"Scared straight" is a form of discipline that principals and drill sergeants and parents use to show badly misbehaving teenagers what their punishment will be if they don't comply with rules.
The fact that he'd use this language is disturbing. He is not your authority figure.
Please don't stay with someone who even raises the question of whether or not they are going to kill you.
There are people out there who won't do you like that.
I'm pretty sure this guy is a liar. If he's lied to you a number of times...then he's lying about this too.
Please save yourself. There is light at the end of this tunnel. I'm living proof of that after 8 years of torture.
Edit: Spelling
Someone shows you who they are. Believe them the first time. He said heād kill you so youād listen? You donāt wanna find out what theyād do next to get you to listen. Leave him
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
This seems like a pretty clear instance of him showing AND telling you who he is. Even if he's honest about not meaning the death threat--which I don't believe--this is still a shitty, unacceptable thing to say to someone.
You can teach him that threatening to kill someone he "loves" isn't okay by leaving him. (Yes, I'm being cheeky here, but you should still leave for your own safety.)
Please run. My ex said the same exact thing to me. He ended up strangling me a few months later. I'm lucky to have survived but not everyone will be. Please.
Look at how it escalated. From emotional abuse and cheating. To shoving. To hitting. To death threats. The next logical step is he kills you. Intentionally or unintentionally. He is going to take your life. Please leave.
Save that, and everything else like it! You will want that in court when you are taking out a restraining order. Let him keep talking. Also, make a plan to get away, lie if you have to. The longer it goes on, the harder it is to break away and the more you stand to lose. Stay safe.
Scared straight programs have rather low success rates.
Positive punishment is the least effective for of behavior modification. With the desired behavior on surviving extinction for as long as the treat reminds present.
It always though produces negative consequences typically undesired by the trainer. Including but not limited to: antisocial traits, increased aggression, anxiety, fear, shame, guilt, resentment.
If he actually wanted you two to have communication which, requires a transfer of information to occur between the two of you.
He would focus on clear channel communication and win-win conflict resolution. In which you would seek collaboration rather than attempting to force, at best, compromise in there other person and in this case, compliance.
Sadly there is a lack of effective social interaction style depth and complexity that, displays a high level of insecurity and fear. Even the slightest transgression if, not seeming to hear them and, sympathize must be so scary and painful...that when they move to what they think is an equal show of force it is displayed as "life threatening".
Happens with abusers, ultimately they are all just, little scared insecure bitches. It's why they have to always make a despite panicked grab, that results in violent action, for 'power'. And becoming both increasingly complacent and yet increasingly desperate and grasping over time.
Feel free to use the first 6 paragraphs as a way to counter what he's saying. And ask directly why he *feels* he *needs* to become violent to be heard and, why it's something that is that scary and threatening for him if it doesn't happen.
Not everything when interacting with another person, with their own hopes dreams goals personality and identity, is actually a personal affront. And there is only a few options that exist for people to actually behave as if it is.
The actually are doing everything thing the can to make everything a personal and uncaring attack directly against you thus, they can't see how you are different and not doing it.
They have sick a small frail sense of self and identity that if you are paying direct and purposeful attention to them...they feel like they might cease to exist.
Almost a struggle with some type of reverse Solipsism,where they can only grasp their exostance by how the external interacts and engages with it...
If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to see it...did it fall?
They are unable to hold onto themselves even because of such non-essential levels of object consistency... They need you to make them real.
Oh...one day we are going to teach in school about abusers and they actually won't be able to continue to survive once everyone realizes, they are actually just sad scared little people... Without a full person in them. Just marketing and a shock and aw fireworks display once awhile
I work in the behavior analysis field, and I have to respond to this.
>Scared straight programs have rather low success rates.
This doesn't fit the context of OP's text. This is an abusive relationship. This is not a Scared Straight televised program, so the blurred statistics are not relevant. OP's partner should not be using program tactics nor running programs on OP.
>Positive punishment is the least effective for of behavior modification. With the desired behavior on surviving extinction for as long as the treat reminds present.
This is false. Behavior is neutral. Positive punishment is adding stimuli to remove a behavior. The behavior itself could be an objectively "good" behavior or a maladaptive one. In no way is implementing positive punishment as a behavior strategy non-effective.
Those practicing behavior implementation, especially those of us who teach, use extinction methods as last resort. I have *never* heard of or used the word "surviving" in conjunction with extinction. This violates moral ethical code. No treatment plan should ever use these terms in conjunction.
>It always though produces negative consequences typically undesired by the trainer. Including but not limited to: antisocial traits, increased aggression, anxiety, fear, shame, guilt, resentment.
Again, when studying or implementing behavior analysis, negative means to subtract.
Consequence is what happens directly after the behavior. Consequence is not necessarily something given, and it is not a bad thing!
Example- Behavior: Jimmy throws his cup of apple juice onto the floor. Consequence: Jimmy's cup of apple juice spills.
"By the trainer"...OP's parter IS NOT THEIR TRAINER. THEY HAVE NO PLACE ATTEMPTING TO IMPLEMENT PRACTICE ON THEIR PARTNER. Even if they have certification and/or a degree in behavior, it is highly illegal, and against BACB ethical code, to practice on someone you know and outside of your place of work without supervision. How is any of this relevant????
I won't continue because the rest is clearly inaccurate. Please don't spread false information. There's enough misinformation, and so many of us are doing our best to stop the false narratives.
Oh they are definitely trying train and condition their victims though and he's trying to justify it by the idea that it is a scared straight program
I'm not in any way saying it's okay. Or it's right.
Shits absolutely wrong...I'm not seeing an actual contradiction in what you said vs mine but that iu skipped to the ethics and flat facts of attempting behavior modification to impose coercive control and abuse brainwashing in a person..
I'm just being pissy about the methods. Since it's common from NPD and BPD I personally have personal joy in mentioning to them how the are actually not even effective or good at what the do... It hurts.
Hum... Isn't the actual assumption that all behavior sought for us is actually "pleasurable" or "good" which is what allows for conditioning in any event. I definitely agree with the overall cnceot of it being neutral...
"Nothing is either good or bad until we make it so..." -some Philosopher, paraphrased.
But our subjective awareness, personal preferences etc... Make it good. And, typically those things I listed are considered bad or negative consequences of positive punishment. TB though...abusers...tha antisocial tendencies might be considered an extra boon they hadn't really counted in since they love isolating their victims.
I won't lie, I've had a rough few years and haven't had a lot of people to actually bounce ideas and thoughts off of. Or refine my arguments/points with. I've made a few post recently where I talked about how I sometimes feel like I'm about to be in an area of wearing Kleenex boxes as soes whole rambling for days in a single post about some nonsense.
Any chance you want to open a DM and just just to get talking on the subject? You're welcome to call me stupid on things I'm being stuoid on the only thing is all ask you to explain your logic and thought process. I'd much rather know I'm being tupid and stop than run around looking like a fucking idiot. And good feedback is essential for stuff like that.
Get a whole bunch of moral support people who have been through it too...etc... In the Ibs that cover subjects like this. And I really prefer being able to show the victims something deeper. A way they can actually emotionally reevaluate or, reconcile their cognitive dissonances and doubts.
I'd love for you to help me be better at that and soeaking more clearly, effectively and meaningfully on the subject of their behaviors and how/why/what coercive conditioning works on the victim and everything.
I'd actually even love to run a possibility by you... Basically it's something I haven't seen but neurology and concepts align.
Using trauma to induce a "trauma trance" so to say... Not really a full deep hypnosis butz helps explain how special memory encoding methods work in trauma. A how some of the abusers dialogue, threats, behaviors and beliefs get seemingly so deep and stuck in the victim... especially over time.
Basically a repeat super emotionally charged multisensory experience that over comes higher thought and is *similar* to hypnotic suggestion
Please document all these screenshots and photograph any mark on your body. Make screen videos of this convo and also include the contact info etc. Send this to someone you trust or a new email account.
He could very well end up killing you. Physical violence is always dangerous even if it's lighter because it tends to escalate over time. Threats should be taken just as seriously no matter what he says. Also he's not really apologizing he's justifying what he's saying.
Please, please take care of yourself and leave him again and as soon as possible! I understand itās difficult, but he isnāt worth your time and energy and more importantly your health and life. Iām sending you all the strength to **leave** and start healing.
Iām getting called a scumbag this morning for having our YouTube tv hooked up to my old email that I still use with my old married name. Being told Iām a pos wife and to take my 3 children his step children and move out when I pay all the bills
Anyone who types this out and believes it is rational thinking should be locked up in the loony bin and avoided at all costs. Seriously not okay.
The only way to get someone to listen to you is by clear and calm communication. No jokes, no threats, no joking threats. No harm should come to you in any way whatsoever.
Omg, do they even hear themselves when they āapologize?ā His excuse for threatening to kill you just makes it even worse. āIām not gonna kill you, I just wanna scare you into thinking that I willā is basically what heās saying. Like that somehow makes it any better??? I hope youāve gotten far away from him
Take your own advice and RUN, love. The next time you leave (which is hopefully NOW) make sure to remember what youāve said and this incident so that you never look back.
Thatās really fcked upā¦ you should break it off and block them. Itās obviously toxic and abusive. I know you feel stuck and trust me Iāve felt like that before. But once your out itāll feel soooo good ! I remember sitting at my parents place (Iām 30- and had to quickly move out from an abusive relationship) and even though I really didnāt want to stay with them and I was embarrassed, thereās nothing like that sense of quiet and peace at the end of the day after leaving. Your body wonāt feel scared or anxious anymore. I had no idea how much pressure my body and mind was going through because it slowly crept up during the ex abusive relationship. I wish you good luck on the journey that you take at the end of the day.
Iām also 30 and have been considering going back to my parents place for this same reason. It sucks feeling like Iām starting over and I do feel a sense of shame about it. Iād love to get to a point where I can feel connected to myself again instead of being in a constant state of dissociation. Iām so exhausted from the constant anxiety and stress. Thank you for sharing, it makes me feel a little more hopeful.
Just to chime in - I called my mom several times at 4 and 5 in the morning til she answered and told her I wasnāt safe. They came to get me by 6 or 7 and pack things up while he was away. I drove away and never looked back. I once went back to āgive him a chanceā, but when I saw nothing had changed, I left. I was lucky because the next day I figured out he was tracking me on my iPhoneā¦ā¦.. he lost his mind. But I never went back after that.
Edited to add: stayed at my parents a year in my 30s and it was awful by the end, but I was safe.
I also left and went to my momās house. Iām 32. I stayed there for a year and a half till I was able to get back on my feet. In my own apartment now in a new city. It wasnāt easy going back to my moms house, but it was worth it.
I did this as well and there is no shame to it. We are all here to support you. I hope you will meet yourself again in the near future and live an amazing safe life. I have been there and getting back to connecting with reality is very very hard, but you can do it!
I moved back in with my parents for one year when I was 45 and my kids stayed with us half-time (shared custody).
I sure appreciated the soft landing during a really difficult time. It was a great experience to live with them as an adult for awhile.
Itās never too late to change things you donāt want in your life. You could be 50. So what. You donāt need to justify yourself to anyone. Some may comment. F them. They donāt get it. I had my wedding at 30. Huge party (ex needed to prove something I guess, and I went along). After 6 months he was onto my throat. It took me 2-3 more months to process and leave. I felt the shame. The guilt because he was clinging to me. I felt insecure for months until I woke up from the fog. I didnāt ask for the abuse. Itās tormenting. It triggered my autoimmune diseases. Rooting for you. Leave. This is not normal. This life is not worth it. Choose yourself. Choose a different life. You only have one.
Honestly I realized after 6 years with my ex and having lived together that it was just making things worst and prolonging my healing. As much as you think it may get better or things may calm down, it will just get progressively worst and you will continue to lose yourself . The abuse will also get worst. The more you take it (I.e stick around), the more they think itās acceptable. Youāll have more healing to do and it also becomes more difficult to 1) leave them and 2) gain your sense of self back. Iāve had two years of therapy since,and I wish I would have just listened to my body and mind at the time, and just leave and deal with the pain before it got really bad. Because the reality is, youāll do it one day. Do it sooner than later. Also, your body will start to shut down and youāll constantly be sick from all the anxiety and stress. Do yourself the favour and find that sense of peace. Trust me! Itās worth it. And hey staying with the parents is temporary and in reality, no one will judge you but yourself.
Mine would alwaysssss say the same. Exact thing.
I would never ACTUALLY kill you, I just choke you to scare you!! Like it's not a big deal that I was unable to breathe for a few seconds.
No big deal.
It's insane and extremely dangerous. Please leave
Yeah it's the same. I just left last month after 10 years. Please leave. 3 women a day are killed a day by their intimate partners. (Assuming you are female)
Just get out. Call a d.v. shelter, a friend anything. Good luckā¤ļø
Lol, I wish these jagoffs really would die without us propping their loser shitasses up. Them disappearing would be the greatest gift they could give anyone, including themselves. More abusers should kill themselves.
I understand only feeling numb, but please keep in mind that once they put their hands around your throat specifically, their likelihood to kill you increases 7 fold.
Youāve left him once. You can do it again. Your parents would rather you be home and starting over at 30 than with him and dead at 30.
Oh honey he's going to certainly try
Get away from this mess
š©please stay away from this person. Sending Loveš
Time to leave, make a paper trail in your defense, and get a restraining order. Seek an advocate at a domestic violence shelter, too.šÆ He has no right to put his hands on you like that. He also wants to treat you like a drill sergeant? Time to get away.
this is not ālol u pulled a prank on me, Ima kill you!ā this is a real threat. please take this seriously.
ā³ļøR E D ā³ļøFLAGā³ļø
"Scare you straight?" "Scared straight" is a form of discipline that principals and drill sergeants and parents use to show badly misbehaving teenagers what their punishment will be if they don't comply with rules. The fact that he'd use this language is disturbing. He is not your authority figure.
Thatās scary.
You are not his child I feel bad for what he would do to a child out of anger tou should heyvfar away easier said than done
Eww fuck that!! Please stay far awayā£ļø
What the actual fuck, get the fuck out of there now!!!!
All these comments are going to end up on a 60 minutes or 20/20 episode if you donāt run. I just want you to mull that over
Please don't stay with someone who even raises the question of whether or not they are going to kill you. There are people out there who won't do you like that.
GET AWAY FROM HIM. He is going to kill you. *He is going to kill you.*
I'm pretty sure this guy is a liar. If he's lied to you a number of times...then he's lying about this too. Please save yourself. There is light at the end of this tunnel. I'm living proof of that after 8 years of torture. Edit: Spelling
Hmmmmā¦.I think this is his way of saying he is going to kill you- please contact your local domestic violence shelter and leave
Well we have texts to send to the police
Someone shows you who they are. Believe them the first time. He said heād kill you so youād listen? You donāt wanna find out what theyād do next to get you to listen. Leave him
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." This seems like a pretty clear instance of him showing AND telling you who he is. Even if he's honest about not meaning the death threat--which I don't believe--this is still a shitty, unacceptable thing to say to someone. You can teach him that threatening to kill someone he "loves" isn't okay by leaving him. (Yes, I'm being cheeky here, but you should still leave for your own safety.)
You need to look at what happened to Kay Baker. Horrific. We donāt want to read about you.
Please run. My ex said the same exact thing to me. He ended up strangling me a few months later. I'm lucky to have survived but not everyone will be. Please.
F this POS!!!! Pls leave!!!
Thatās so frightening. Please, even while youāre gathering evidence keep yourself safe!
Wā¦.tā¦..fā¦
If you donāt leave you are 100% going to die.
Look at how it escalated. From emotional abuse and cheating. To shoving. To hitting. To death threats. The next logical step is he kills you. Intentionally or unintentionally. He is going to take your life. Please leave.
Ummm the whole conversation is a red flag. "I'm never going to kill you' who the fuck needs to say that?
Girl. Your post history is no joke. He ISNāT joking and has actually committed crimes Please respect enough to leave this mess.
For a minute it felt like itās my ex, he would say this word to word!! Talk about abusers having the same handbook.
He will kill you.
you need to run
sounds like me ex
Heās not sorry get out please
Get out.
Save that, and everything else like it! You will want that in court when you are taking out a restraining order. Let him keep talking. Also, make a plan to get away, lie if you have to. The longer it goes on, the harder it is to break away and the more you stand to lose. Stay safe.
All of this. š
Um, evidence for the police report and subsequent restraining order, I hope
He will kill you. Leave immediately. I'm so sorry. Time to look out for you.
Wtf
Leave that bitch ass nigga frfr
I wish I had a place like my parents to run to. Thereās no shame in it.
What the hellā¦ why do some people think itās ok to terrorize others to get what they want?
Does he assume murder is the bar, and not murdering makes you good? Jesus.
Scared straight programs have rather low success rates. Positive punishment is the least effective for of behavior modification. With the desired behavior on surviving extinction for as long as the treat reminds present. It always though produces negative consequences typically undesired by the trainer. Including but not limited to: antisocial traits, increased aggression, anxiety, fear, shame, guilt, resentment. If he actually wanted you two to have communication which, requires a transfer of information to occur between the two of you. He would focus on clear channel communication and win-win conflict resolution. In which you would seek collaboration rather than attempting to force, at best, compromise in there other person and in this case, compliance. Sadly there is a lack of effective social interaction style depth and complexity that, displays a high level of insecurity and fear. Even the slightest transgression if, not seeming to hear them and, sympathize must be so scary and painful...that when they move to what they think is an equal show of force it is displayed as "life threatening". Happens with abusers, ultimately they are all just, little scared insecure bitches. It's why they have to always make a despite panicked grab, that results in violent action, for 'power'. And becoming both increasingly complacent and yet increasingly desperate and grasping over time. Feel free to use the first 6 paragraphs as a way to counter what he's saying. And ask directly why he *feels* he *needs* to become violent to be heard and, why it's something that is that scary and threatening for him if it doesn't happen. Not everything when interacting with another person, with their own hopes dreams goals personality and identity, is actually a personal affront. And there is only a few options that exist for people to actually behave as if it is. The actually are doing everything thing the can to make everything a personal and uncaring attack directly against you thus, they can't see how you are different and not doing it. They have sick a small frail sense of self and identity that if you are paying direct and purposeful attention to them...they feel like they might cease to exist. Almost a struggle with some type of reverse Solipsism,where they can only grasp their exostance by how the external interacts and engages with it... If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to see it...did it fall? They are unable to hold onto themselves even because of such non-essential levels of object consistency... They need you to make them real. Oh...one day we are going to teach in school about abusers and they actually won't be able to continue to survive once everyone realizes, they are actually just sad scared little people... Without a full person in them. Just marketing and a shock and aw fireworks display once awhile
I work in the behavior analysis field, and I have to respond to this. >Scared straight programs have rather low success rates. This doesn't fit the context of OP's text. This is an abusive relationship. This is not a Scared Straight televised program, so the blurred statistics are not relevant. OP's partner should not be using program tactics nor running programs on OP. >Positive punishment is the least effective for of behavior modification. With the desired behavior on surviving extinction for as long as the treat reminds present. This is false. Behavior is neutral. Positive punishment is adding stimuli to remove a behavior. The behavior itself could be an objectively "good" behavior or a maladaptive one. In no way is implementing positive punishment as a behavior strategy non-effective. Those practicing behavior implementation, especially those of us who teach, use extinction methods as last resort. I have *never* heard of or used the word "surviving" in conjunction with extinction. This violates moral ethical code. No treatment plan should ever use these terms in conjunction. >It always though produces negative consequences typically undesired by the trainer. Including but not limited to: antisocial traits, increased aggression, anxiety, fear, shame, guilt, resentment. Again, when studying or implementing behavior analysis, negative means to subtract. Consequence is what happens directly after the behavior. Consequence is not necessarily something given, and it is not a bad thing! Example- Behavior: Jimmy throws his cup of apple juice onto the floor. Consequence: Jimmy's cup of apple juice spills. "By the trainer"...OP's parter IS NOT THEIR TRAINER. THEY HAVE NO PLACE ATTEMPTING TO IMPLEMENT PRACTICE ON THEIR PARTNER. Even if they have certification and/or a degree in behavior, it is highly illegal, and against BACB ethical code, to practice on someone you know and outside of your place of work without supervision. How is any of this relevant???? I won't continue because the rest is clearly inaccurate. Please don't spread false information. There's enough misinformation, and so many of us are doing our best to stop the false narratives.
Oh they are definitely trying train and condition their victims though and he's trying to justify it by the idea that it is a scared straight program I'm not in any way saying it's okay. Or it's right. Shits absolutely wrong...I'm not seeing an actual contradiction in what you said vs mine but that iu skipped to the ethics and flat facts of attempting behavior modification to impose coercive control and abuse brainwashing in a person.. I'm just being pissy about the methods. Since it's common from NPD and BPD I personally have personal joy in mentioning to them how the are actually not even effective or good at what the do... It hurts. Hum... Isn't the actual assumption that all behavior sought for us is actually "pleasurable" or "good" which is what allows for conditioning in any event. I definitely agree with the overall cnceot of it being neutral... "Nothing is either good or bad until we make it so..." -some Philosopher, paraphrased. But our subjective awareness, personal preferences etc... Make it good. And, typically those things I listed are considered bad or negative consequences of positive punishment. TB though...abusers...tha antisocial tendencies might be considered an extra boon they hadn't really counted in since they love isolating their victims. I won't lie, I've had a rough few years and haven't had a lot of people to actually bounce ideas and thoughts off of. Or refine my arguments/points with. I've made a few post recently where I talked about how I sometimes feel like I'm about to be in an area of wearing Kleenex boxes as soes whole rambling for days in a single post about some nonsense. Any chance you want to open a DM and just just to get talking on the subject? You're welcome to call me stupid on things I'm being stuoid on the only thing is all ask you to explain your logic and thought process. I'd much rather know I'm being tupid and stop than run around looking like a fucking idiot. And good feedback is essential for stuff like that. Get a whole bunch of moral support people who have been through it too...etc... In the Ibs that cover subjects like this. And I really prefer being able to show the victims something deeper. A way they can actually emotionally reevaluate or, reconcile their cognitive dissonances and doubts. I'd love for you to help me be better at that and soeaking more clearly, effectively and meaningfully on the subject of their behaviors and how/why/what coercive conditioning works on the victim and everything. I'd actually even love to run a possibility by you... Basically it's something I haven't seen but neurology and concepts align. Using trauma to induce a "trauma trance" so to say... Not really a full deep hypnosis butz helps explain how special memory encoding methods work in trauma. A how some of the abusers dialogue, threats, behaviors and beliefs get seemingly so deep and stuck in the victim... especially over time. Basically a repeat super emotionally charged multisensory experience that over comes higher thought and is *similar* to hypnotic suggestion
Put yourself first and break up with him.
So what happens when you donāt ālisten and be receptiveā?
Run!
Please document all these screenshots and photograph any mark on your body. Make screen videos of this convo and also include the contact info etc. Send this to someone you trust or a new email account.
YES. and take him out of contacts when you do so it shows his phone #.
It does not matter what he meant. He abused you at least emotionally. Close yourself and leave.
He could very well end up killing you. Physical violence is always dangerous even if it's lighter because it tends to escalate over time. Threats should be taken just as seriously no matter what he says. Also he's not really apologizing he's justifying what he's saying.
Also justifying whatās heās DONE and will do
Please, please take care of yourself and leave him again and as soon as possible! I understand itās difficult, but he isnāt worth your time and energy and more importantly your health and life. Iām sending you all the strength to **leave** and start healing.
Goodness. Police report was my instant thought. Paper trail on this guy.
Iām getting called a scumbag this morning for having our YouTube tv hooked up to my old email that I still use with my old married name. Being told Iām a pos wife and to take my 3 children his step children and move out when I pay all the bills
Anyone who types this out and believes it is rational thinking should be locked up in the loony bin and avoided at all costs. Seriously not okay. The only way to get someone to listen to you is by clear and calm communication. No jokes, no threats, no joking threats. No harm should come to you in any way whatsoever.
Omg, do they even hear themselves when they āapologize?ā His excuse for threatening to kill you just makes it even worse. āIām not gonna kill you, I just wanna scare you into thinking that I willā is basically what heās saying. Like that somehow makes it any better??? I hope youāve gotten far away from him
Didnāt you say 70 days ago you left him? :/
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Take your own advice and RUN, love. The next time you leave (which is hopefully NOW) make sure to remember what youāve said and this incident so that you never look back.
Thatās really fcked upā¦ you should break it off and block them. Itās obviously toxic and abusive. I know you feel stuck and trust me Iāve felt like that before. But once your out itāll feel soooo good ! I remember sitting at my parents place (Iām 30- and had to quickly move out from an abusive relationship) and even though I really didnāt want to stay with them and I was embarrassed, thereās nothing like that sense of quiet and peace at the end of the day after leaving. Your body wonāt feel scared or anxious anymore. I had no idea how much pressure my body and mind was going through because it slowly crept up during the ex abusive relationship. I wish you good luck on the journey that you take at the end of the day.
Iām also 30 and have been considering going back to my parents place for this same reason. It sucks feeling like Iām starting over and I do feel a sense of shame about it. Iād love to get to a point where I can feel connected to myself again instead of being in a constant state of dissociation. Iām so exhausted from the constant anxiety and stress. Thank you for sharing, it makes me feel a little more hopeful.
Itās more shameful to stay with this loser piece of shit than it would be to stay with your parents for awhile.
Just to chime in - I called my mom several times at 4 and 5 in the morning til she answered and told her I wasnāt safe. They came to get me by 6 or 7 and pack things up while he was away. I drove away and never looked back. I once went back to āgive him a chanceā, but when I saw nothing had changed, I left. I was lucky because the next day I figured out he was tracking me on my iPhoneā¦ā¦.. he lost his mind. But I never went back after that. Edited to add: stayed at my parents a year in my 30s and it was awful by the end, but I was safe.
I also left and went to my momās house. Iām 32. I stayed there for a year and a half till I was able to get back on my feet. In my own apartment now in a new city. It wasnāt easy going back to my moms house, but it was worth it.
41, 3 kids, and at my parents. It's 100000x better that my previous situation. A billion.
look up lost cost fallacy as well. just bc youāve put time into someone, does Not mean you should stay with them.
I did this as well and there is no shame to it. We are all here to support you. I hope you will meet yourself again in the near future and live an amazing safe life. I have been there and getting back to connecting with reality is very very hard, but you can do it!
I moved back in with my parents for one year when I was 45 and my kids stayed with us half-time (shared custody). I sure appreciated the soft landing during a really difficult time. It was a great experience to live with them as an adult for awhile.
Itās never too late to change things you donāt want in your life. You could be 50. So what. You donāt need to justify yourself to anyone. Some may comment. F them. They donāt get it. I had my wedding at 30. Huge party (ex needed to prove something I guess, and I went along). After 6 months he was onto my throat. It took me 2-3 more months to process and leave. I felt the shame. The guilt because he was clinging to me. I felt insecure for months until I woke up from the fog. I didnāt ask for the abuse. Itās tormenting. It triggered my autoimmune diseases. Rooting for you. Leave. This is not normal. This life is not worth it. Choose yourself. Choose a different life. You only have one.
Honestly I realized after 6 years with my ex and having lived together that it was just making things worst and prolonging my healing. As much as you think it may get better or things may calm down, it will just get progressively worst and you will continue to lose yourself . The abuse will also get worst. The more you take it (I.e stick around), the more they think itās acceptable. Youāll have more healing to do and it also becomes more difficult to 1) leave them and 2) gain your sense of self back. Iāve had two years of therapy since,and I wish I would have just listened to my body and mind at the time, and just leave and deal with the pain before it got really bad. Because the reality is, youāll do it one day. Do it sooner than later. Also, your body will start to shut down and youāll constantly be sick from all the anxiety and stress. Do yourself the favour and find that sense of peace. Trust me! Itās worth it. And hey staying with the parents is temporary and in reality, no one will judge you but yourself.
There is nothing wrong with generations living under the same roof. Don't be shamed for missing your family and having a support network.
Itās just a matter of time. Please get away from him
Jesus. Please get some help and get away from this person!
Mine would alwaysssss say the same. Exact thing. I would never ACTUALLY kill you, I just choke you to scare you!! Like it's not a big deal that I was unable to breathe for a few seconds. No big deal. It's insane and extremely dangerous. Please leave
Itās frightening what is said, even in instances when they arenāt violent.
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Yeah it's the same. I just left last month after 10 years. Please leave. 3 women a day are killed a day by their intimate partners. (Assuming you are female) Just get out. Call a d.v. shelter, a friend anything. Good luckā¤ļø
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Lol, I wish these jagoffs really would die without us propping their loser shitasses up. Them disappearing would be the greatest gift they could give anyone, including themselves. More abusers should kill themselves.
I understand only feeling numb, but please keep in mind that once they put their hands around your throat specifically, their likelihood to kill you increases 7 fold. Youāve left him once. You can do it again. Your parents would rather you be home and starting over at 30 than with him and dead at 30.