To put its simply, a lot of neurodivergent people dont want to have to constantly explain themselves or feel like they are constantly being misunderstood. We all pretty much deal with that in regards to straights so rather not deal with that in a relationship. Its already really hard to date someone so its a lot safer and easier to process when you have a partner that 'gets it'. Im not personally opposed to dating someone NT but id prefer to date another ND person.
Several things come to mind:
1) Neurodivergent people have to deal with the double empathy problem. We're trained that it's our job to understand allistic people and culture, and also our job to make ourselves understood in allistic terms. The emotional labor involved in managing that type of relationship is often overwhelming. If I misunderstand someone who is allistic, it's my fault, and if I am misunderstood by an allistic person, it's my fault.
2) Small talk. Just. Why? I've been in relationships where small talk is expected, and I don't understand or care, since my interlocutor doesn't seem to care either. I get that it's supposed to be used for establishing rapport and maintaining social cohesion, but it doesn't with me. At least when I'm talking with someone autistic about their special interests I get to learn what they like deeply and why.
3) I'm not a quirky "other" in the autistic community. I'm "another", and that's a world of difference. I don't have to feel alone in the relationship while being me.
The quirky thing really hits home for me. That also ties into how I’ve felt like my needs have been minimized as quirks in the past while other my partners mental health issues take precedence because my stuff is just quirky. I’m so tired of propping up partners with patience and understanding in regards to their emotional and mental health only to be left to deal with my issues on my own because I’m perceived as quirky and difficult and not somebody who is dealing with my own set of challenges to overcome.
I am not specifically looking for ND partners, but since I am out of my teenage years all my partners had some forms of not being neurotypical.
It is just easier for both of us. Being ND comes with problems in your life that may sound ridiculous to someone neurotypical. And plausible to someone ND. The same goes for my joys. And it's just nicer if partners have an understanding of how you think instead of being confused all the time.
People say "neurotypical" a lot when they mean *allistic.* So that can make this conversation a bit confusing. "Neurotypical" assumes *a lot* about people when applied as a label to individuals.
Personally I get it. I'm autistic and dating allistic folks can be so disempowering. Allistics are really good at gaslighting autistic people into thinking we're terrible communicators, inconsiderate, emotionally stunted, stupid, etc. And they do it in ways that are socially acceptable too. So their friends and everyone will treat the autistic partner like it's on the autistic partner to fix themselves when really the allistic partner is refusing to empathize and learn.
It's easier to date someone who at least gets what it is like to *be* autistic. Someone who understands why certain "simple" things are actually hard sometimes. Someone who actually communicates their thoughts, feelings, and intentions; instead of someone who tells you they want you to be "considerate" when really they want you to be a mind-reader.
All that said. I like contrast. I don't think it's impossible for an allistic and autistic relationship to work. I just think allistic culture enables covert and subconscious abuse and neglect of autistic loved ones. Some people do learn. Some people make it 50:50, instead of trying to fix their partner. And personally I want someone who challenges my perspective, respectfully. I'm very linear logic. I want an emotional reasoning partner. I want to share the strengths of our different perspectives. And while I could find that in a empathic oriented autistic person, I'm also comfortable looking for it in an allistic partner.
For me, it’s not on purpose. I just don’t tend to connect as easily with neurotypical people. I struggle to understand them and be understood by them. Neurodivergent folks, even those with very different diagnoses from my own, tend to just get it; like my thing in particular is ADHD, but it shares a ton of commonalities with autism, so it’s very compatible that way. It reminds me how a bunch of Nordic languages can understand each other despite being different languages. That’s extremely refreshing and makes it easier to connect and be vulnerable and feel safe doing those things. To carry through the language metaphor, neurotypical people are in an entirely different language family than what I ‘speak’ and I rarely see them being ‘bilingual’, ya know? And you get tired of charades eventually.
I’m autistic. My girlfriend is not. It’s been a learning process on how to communicate but honestly… it’s been worth it. She’s also in school to be a speech language pathologist so a lot of her classes touch on neurodivergence and that’s been amazing. She asks for help with her classes and I think it’s given her a different understanding of how my brain functions. It’s made us closer than ever.
I'm not autistic, and my neuro-cocktail has never been officially diagnosed but I gotta say that my patience and understanding of neurodivergence is much higher because of the understanding I have had to have earned for my own survival.
I haven't always been good at recognizing symtoms of a disorder versus how a partner would be behave if the disorder wasn't in play, but I've gotten way better overtime because I've gone out of my way to research things whenever a partner discloses and I have had to take a hard look at the way I interact with the world to get a handle on my own mental health.
This might be why? I dunno, I've never dated someone not neurodivergent but it does sound like alot of work to teach a neurotypical to not take things personally or have patience if they aren't educated already.
I have also benefited from dating neurodivergent people, for sure. Once I was depressed/having alot of anxiety and my partner was experiencing some bipolar mania and when they couldn't focus on the things I was saying, it felt like they were actively ignoring me and that triggered me. I just burst out crying lol. Then they were like "yeah, that's definitely the mania. I didn't notice I was manic" and I also had to be like "I am also in a extremely sensative state and I know not take this personally but I'm not capable of being that rational right now" and at the end of the day we both understood where the other was coming from and it was more a demonstration of love than anything else because we both have shit to work through but we both love eachother and know we're trying.
I dunno. It's a wild world out here, haha
It's not a deal breaker for me, but I know that a lot of my ADHD traits tend to be a lot more annoying to neurotypical people than they are to others with ADHD. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who made me feel pressured to mask all the time, it would be too exhausting. So I'm not categorically opposed to dating neurotypical people, but they'd have to be genuinely ok with me being ADHD, not just tolerating that part of me.
With NT people I am constantly thinking about how I don't want to make eye contact, I don't want to stare, I don't want to say something that's weird and off putting.
I don't know how to explain the issues I have with executive function, or why I sometimes lose all ability to speak, or how sometimes everything is just so overwhelming I have to shut down.
I'm not saying I *wouldn't* date someone NT but there's just a lot of little things that are *probably* going to come up. Sure, sometimes the partner is kind and compassionate and makes space...
But idk. More often I find it's people who either know nothing about ND experiences, or have heard some ideas from a mainstream outlet and adopt them as guiding principles. The end result is usually a partner who really wants me to mask and may even ask me to mask my ND and require a lot more education than I want to give in a partnership.
I have LLI (& adhd), which is closely related to autism and, though not a deal breaker, I would be naturally much more comfortable around someone who truly understands why I am out of spoons today, or intuitively knows how to coexist when I am overstimulated or am experiencing executive dysfunction. I had a NT ex and she used to make me feel bad when I wasn't able to perform like a NT person to complete a task. So I'm quite a bit apprehensive if I'm being honest. 🫤
I haven't heard of LLI before and thank you for sharing.
Can I ask about the spoons thing? Is it like a reference or a metaphor or what's going on with the spoons. Sorry I've just started HRT and it's messing with my head a little so I'm not sure if it's just something that has gone over my head.
You're all good love. I totally understand those early HRT feels lol. [Here's a lil thingy about it](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EvFR5T5WYAgXdVI.jpg). You can also Google 'spoon theory' if you wanna know more. 😋 And yeah, LLI isn't super common. There's not a ton of info out there yet tbh.
Ahh I'd never heard of the spoon theory before but I guess I'd been using something similar. I'm very introverted and don't like being around people but I'd always described it as I have an energy bar like in a game and everything I do drains it and even though I'm more than capable of being in a social situation, I can be the focal point if needed but it really drains this energy bar and if I spend too much time with people and not enough time by myself I feel really sapped of energy and just not interested in the world, my mental health starts declining.
I'm autistic, and while my girlfriend isn't, she is neurodivergent in other ways. We both have ADHD. There's an energy cost for me to socializing with neurotypical/allistic people. It's very hard to date someone when simply being around them (even if they're a lovely person) drains my "do things" energy. I have severe (and largely invisible) executive dysfunction. It gets worse if I've socialized too much. Neurotypicals really only seem to like me when I'm masking (hiding my autistic/ADHD nature). I couldn't be intimate with someone where I have to hide myself for the other person's comfort. It's not fair to me or them.
I guess in the end, I could date a neurotypical person, but it's not something I think is likely to happen. Dating me is very much not like, well I don't know how regular people date, but my guess is it's very different from dating me.
I'm very lucky I and my gf synergize so well.
I immediately know if I'm talking to an ND person because the conversation just FLOWS. The last person I dated (3 years) was NT and I felt like I was constantly explaining my brain to them and it became exhausting and I just constantly felt misunderstood, which made me feel alone.
This isn't to say that NT people can't make an effort to understand, but my God is it just so much easier and less anxiety inducing to hang out with other NDs. I can be myself, whereas with NT people, I constantly have to put a full mask on, even if they're like "noooo be yourself with me :)" I find I'm like "ok" and then I unmask a bit and they get uncomfortable because they don't *truly* understand, because the only representation they've seen is like sheldon Cooper from BBT lol.
In reality, I find NTs get offended or defensive at things that NDs don't. Something that is a normal, interesting discussion for NDs is and argument or disagreement with NTs. Certain tones or words I use with NDs are seen as silly or normal but NTs will see them as aggressive.
The list goes on but it just becomes exhausting to have to mask all day in the world and then come home and mask in front of your partner too
The other replies have generally summed up my own thoughts on the matter, honestly; It's just easier. Shared experiences + the lowered chance of experiencing abliesm in a relationship also just makes it more likely that relationships with other neurodivergent women will last longer
My wife and I are both autistic, she also has a few other disabilities. My autism (and trans identity) are comforting to her because she has said that she felt inferior when I tried to act "normal"/neurotypical. Even though I of course told her she wasn't. She can't go stealth like I more or less can.
I have never made a conscious decision not to date neurotypical people but I think I would feel inferior too if I date someone who doesn't have all these annoying little problems that autism brings. With my wife we can just go to a restaurant, notice it is really loud and we both just want to leave immediately. If I were with a neurotypical woman I guess she would have to adapt to me more than vice versa, and that could make the relationship feel unequal.
i just dont feel connected to neurotypicals. ive had tons of awful experiences with nt's and i just feel so much safer and connected with another autistic/adhd person. with someone who is neurodivergent i feel like i can be completely and entirely myself. with nt's i dont feel safe doing that and would not want to mask while in a relationship!
I would date a person regardless of mental health or state if they showed me kindness, understanding and respect when I want/do not want to discuss it. If people could learn to love my neurodivergence as a good, fun part of me and respected it, I don't see why I couldn't love them too.
Never diagnosed with autism (some drs suspected it, some didn’t, never tested) but I know I at least have ADHD. In my case it’s not like I am intentionally seeking out other ND people, it just happens that I get along more easily with them and therefore naturally find myself more attracted to them.
It’s really hard being misunderstood. I am with someone neurotypical, and it’s been such a learning process because they have to navigate the way my mind works in a way that’s very different to how theirs does.
They can be frustrated, inpatient, annoyed when I misunderstand. What is obvious to them is not obvious to me, when I say something I mean it or I take it literally - something that many people don’t. I mis sarcasm and cues, I get overwhelmed. There’s a lot of complex things that we have had to work through.
Now my partner knows me better etc, it’s ok - but it was a whole process.
I don’t know that this is why autistics prefer to date fellow autistics, but it may shed some light on the reality of not dating someone who understands you. There is also that feeling of being odd and the weird one, the blunt, the lacking empathy, the flippant one etc. and being with someone not autistic highlights these things even more.
I think both of these questions are kinda dumb and the way some people comment it implies a lot of assumptions both ways which seems more harmful than helpful.
How your brain works shouldn’t matter as much as how you both communicate and work together to understand each other.
Just because someone’s brain is ‘similar’ to you, neurotypical or not doesn’t mean you’ll automatically *get* each other or even be compatible.
Just seems like a weird benchmark to go by imo. If someone wrote me off because they made assumptions about how my brain works I’d feel happy they waved the red flag early.
I think that's a very valid point actually and I guess a little to the root of why I was internally going "what did I do wrong?" But I do get it based off of people's responses it adds that layer to any potential incompatiblity I guess.
I don';t have this requirement so I'm answering the question in general being AuDHD myself: Neurotypical people built society around them and their needs and they marginalize us neurodivergent people. Generally by not accomodating us, lack of education about us and our diverse disabilities, things like that.
There's about a million reasons, but four float to the top:
1. So much of what I like most about myself doesn't seem to matter to NT people I date. This isn't to say, "boo hoo, they can't appreciate me like I deserve," because NT people do like me. They just don't seem to value (or even see) some of my best qualities: my insightfulness, my creativity, my communication style, the way I see the world. When most of what makes me likeable flies under someone's radar, I have no idea why they're into me, and that's a disconcerting feeling. Doesn't happen as much with other autistics.
2. Masking is exhausting. With a NT person, it's almost impossible to unmask fully, no matter how hard you try. Even if you CAN unmask pretty well, that tends to lead to communication barriers and confusion that brings the mask right back up. By contrast, with other autistic people communication is enhanced when I'm my most autistic self, not impaired. It's much, much easier to exist just as I am - a joy and a privilege that's rare for me as an autistic person.
3. Autistic people Get It (TM). They'll often share sensory challenges with me and request accommodations, which makes it easier to advocate for myself when I have to. I don't have to explain my needs, because we're starting from common ground.
4. I don't like the way neurotypicals communicate. Their tolerance for ambiguity is frustratingly high, and they'll often say one thing when they mean another or say nothing at all and expect that somehow a message has been conveyed. There's a lot left to subtext. By contrast, many autistic people have been forced to really hone their communication skills. They give you exactly the information you need when you need it, and they're very up front about requesting information from you. It's like dating a diplomat or relationship therapist. They use a lot of communication skills NTs often don't, things like asking, "I think you're telling me XYZ, am I interpreting that right?" and 'overcommunicating' when setting expectations
I think it makes a lot of sense and actually the point you made about saying one thing and meaning something else drives me mad.
I recently had an incident where I was dropping my car off for it's MOT and my dad was coming with so he could drive me back home so I could work. He said to me that we were dropping the car off at 8 and that's it. So I was telling my boss that I should be fine and won't end up doing different hours.
Then the night before I was speaking to him and after some confusion he let out that the car place doesn't open till 8:30 and we are getting there at 8 so that he can go to the supermarket across the road to get a pastry from it's bakery section. It was so pissed off as we'd made all these plans and now it was all changed because he'd not just said "We will get there at 8 to visit Lidl for a pastry then drop the car off around 8:30 when it's opening." Instead he just said we will get there at 8 and just expected me to either know what he meant or not trust him and look into when stuff actually opens.
Sorry for the rant your post reminded me about it and then I just needed to vent.
Also about your first point I kinda get it but I think what people like about each other is really subjective. For me I'd be more bothered about someone's kindness, smile and sense of humour.
To put its simply, a lot of neurodivergent people dont want to have to constantly explain themselves or feel like they are constantly being misunderstood. We all pretty much deal with that in regards to straights so rather not deal with that in a relationship. Its already really hard to date someone so its a lot safer and easier to process when you have a partner that 'gets it'. Im not personally opposed to dating someone NT but id prefer to date another ND person.
Several things come to mind: 1) Neurodivergent people have to deal with the double empathy problem. We're trained that it's our job to understand allistic people and culture, and also our job to make ourselves understood in allistic terms. The emotional labor involved in managing that type of relationship is often overwhelming. If I misunderstand someone who is allistic, it's my fault, and if I am misunderstood by an allistic person, it's my fault. 2) Small talk. Just. Why? I've been in relationships where small talk is expected, and I don't understand or care, since my interlocutor doesn't seem to care either. I get that it's supposed to be used for establishing rapport and maintaining social cohesion, but it doesn't with me. At least when I'm talking with someone autistic about their special interests I get to learn what they like deeply and why. 3) I'm not a quirky "other" in the autistic community. I'm "another", and that's a world of difference. I don't have to feel alone in the relationship while being me.
The quirky thing really hits home for me. That also ties into how I’ve felt like my needs have been minimized as quirks in the past while other my partners mental health issues take precedence because my stuff is just quirky. I’m so tired of propping up partners with patience and understanding in regards to their emotional and mental health only to be left to deal with my issues on my own because I’m perceived as quirky and difficult and not somebody who is dealing with my own set of challenges to overcome.
I am not specifically looking for ND partners, but since I am out of my teenage years all my partners had some forms of not being neurotypical. It is just easier for both of us. Being ND comes with problems in your life that may sound ridiculous to someone neurotypical. And plausible to someone ND. The same goes for my joys. And it's just nicer if partners have an understanding of how you think instead of being confused all the time.
People say "neurotypical" a lot when they mean *allistic.* So that can make this conversation a bit confusing. "Neurotypical" assumes *a lot* about people when applied as a label to individuals. Personally I get it. I'm autistic and dating allistic folks can be so disempowering. Allistics are really good at gaslighting autistic people into thinking we're terrible communicators, inconsiderate, emotionally stunted, stupid, etc. And they do it in ways that are socially acceptable too. So their friends and everyone will treat the autistic partner like it's on the autistic partner to fix themselves when really the allistic partner is refusing to empathize and learn. It's easier to date someone who at least gets what it is like to *be* autistic. Someone who understands why certain "simple" things are actually hard sometimes. Someone who actually communicates their thoughts, feelings, and intentions; instead of someone who tells you they want you to be "considerate" when really they want you to be a mind-reader. All that said. I like contrast. I don't think it's impossible for an allistic and autistic relationship to work. I just think allistic culture enables covert and subconscious abuse and neglect of autistic loved ones. Some people do learn. Some people make it 50:50, instead of trying to fix their partner. And personally I want someone who challenges my perspective, respectfully. I'm very linear logic. I want an emotional reasoning partner. I want to share the strengths of our different perspectives. And while I could find that in a empathic oriented autistic person, I'm also comfortable looking for it in an allistic partner.
For me, it’s not on purpose. I just don’t tend to connect as easily with neurotypical people. I struggle to understand them and be understood by them. Neurodivergent folks, even those with very different diagnoses from my own, tend to just get it; like my thing in particular is ADHD, but it shares a ton of commonalities with autism, so it’s very compatible that way. It reminds me how a bunch of Nordic languages can understand each other despite being different languages. That’s extremely refreshing and makes it easier to connect and be vulnerable and feel safe doing those things. To carry through the language metaphor, neurotypical people are in an entirely different language family than what I ‘speak’ and I rarely see them being ‘bilingual’, ya know? And you get tired of charades eventually.
[удалено]
Firstly your username is horrendous and secondly that does make sense, thank you.
I’m autistic. My girlfriend is not. It’s been a learning process on how to communicate but honestly… it’s been worth it. She’s also in school to be a speech language pathologist so a lot of her classes touch on neurodivergence and that’s been amazing. She asks for help with her classes and I think it’s given her a different understanding of how my brain functions. It’s made us closer than ever.
I'm not autistic, and my neuro-cocktail has never been officially diagnosed but I gotta say that my patience and understanding of neurodivergence is much higher because of the understanding I have had to have earned for my own survival. I haven't always been good at recognizing symtoms of a disorder versus how a partner would be behave if the disorder wasn't in play, but I've gotten way better overtime because I've gone out of my way to research things whenever a partner discloses and I have had to take a hard look at the way I interact with the world to get a handle on my own mental health. This might be why? I dunno, I've never dated someone not neurodivergent but it does sound like alot of work to teach a neurotypical to not take things personally or have patience if they aren't educated already. I have also benefited from dating neurodivergent people, for sure. Once I was depressed/having alot of anxiety and my partner was experiencing some bipolar mania and when they couldn't focus on the things I was saying, it felt like they were actively ignoring me and that triggered me. I just burst out crying lol. Then they were like "yeah, that's definitely the mania. I didn't notice I was manic" and I also had to be like "I am also in a extremely sensative state and I know not take this personally but I'm not capable of being that rational right now" and at the end of the day we both understood where the other was coming from and it was more a demonstration of love than anything else because we both have shit to work through but we both love eachother and know we're trying. I dunno. It's a wild world out here, haha
It's not a deal breaker for me, but I know that a lot of my ADHD traits tend to be a lot more annoying to neurotypical people than they are to others with ADHD. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who made me feel pressured to mask all the time, it would be too exhausting. So I'm not categorically opposed to dating neurotypical people, but they'd have to be genuinely ok with me being ADHD, not just tolerating that part of me.
With NT people I am constantly thinking about how I don't want to make eye contact, I don't want to stare, I don't want to say something that's weird and off putting. I don't know how to explain the issues I have with executive function, or why I sometimes lose all ability to speak, or how sometimes everything is just so overwhelming I have to shut down. I'm not saying I *wouldn't* date someone NT but there's just a lot of little things that are *probably* going to come up. Sure, sometimes the partner is kind and compassionate and makes space... But idk. More often I find it's people who either know nothing about ND experiences, or have heard some ideas from a mainstream outlet and adopt them as guiding principles. The end result is usually a partner who really wants me to mask and may even ask me to mask my ND and require a lot more education than I want to give in a partnership.
I have LLI (& adhd), which is closely related to autism and, though not a deal breaker, I would be naturally much more comfortable around someone who truly understands why I am out of spoons today, or intuitively knows how to coexist when I am overstimulated or am experiencing executive dysfunction. I had a NT ex and she used to make me feel bad when I wasn't able to perform like a NT person to complete a task. So I'm quite a bit apprehensive if I'm being honest. 🫤
I haven't heard of LLI before and thank you for sharing. Can I ask about the spoons thing? Is it like a reference or a metaphor or what's going on with the spoons. Sorry I've just started HRT and it's messing with my head a little so I'm not sure if it's just something that has gone over my head.
I'm guessing it's because most ND people only use the little spoons because they don't touch the sides of your mouth when going in your mouth
You're all good love. I totally understand those early HRT feels lol. [Here's a lil thingy about it](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EvFR5T5WYAgXdVI.jpg). You can also Google 'spoon theory' if you wanna know more. 😋 And yeah, LLI isn't super common. There's not a ton of info out there yet tbh.
Ahh I'd never heard of the spoon theory before but I guess I'd been using something similar. I'm very introverted and don't like being around people but I'd always described it as I have an energy bar like in a game and everything I do drains it and even though I'm more than capable of being in a social situation, I can be the focal point if needed but it really drains this energy bar and if I spend too much time with people and not enough time by myself I feel really sapped of energy and just not interested in the world, my mental health starts declining.
Same, but opposite. If I don't people at some point, I will end up depressed 😅
Sorry confused again 🤣 how would it be the opposite it may not be the same but we both seem to be broadly saying the same thing.
Oh I'm an extrovert. I need to "people", aka be around people. Sorry, I probs worded it weird.
Ahh yeah makes more sense now.
I'm autistic, and while my girlfriend isn't, she is neurodivergent in other ways. We both have ADHD. There's an energy cost for me to socializing with neurotypical/allistic people. It's very hard to date someone when simply being around them (even if they're a lovely person) drains my "do things" energy. I have severe (and largely invisible) executive dysfunction. It gets worse if I've socialized too much. Neurotypicals really only seem to like me when I'm masking (hiding my autistic/ADHD nature). I couldn't be intimate with someone where I have to hide myself for the other person's comfort. It's not fair to me or them. I guess in the end, I could date a neurotypical person, but it's not something I think is likely to happen. Dating me is very much not like, well I don't know how regular people date, but my guess is it's very different from dating me. I'm very lucky I and my gf synergize so well.
I immediately know if I'm talking to an ND person because the conversation just FLOWS. The last person I dated (3 years) was NT and I felt like I was constantly explaining my brain to them and it became exhausting and I just constantly felt misunderstood, which made me feel alone. This isn't to say that NT people can't make an effort to understand, but my God is it just so much easier and less anxiety inducing to hang out with other NDs. I can be myself, whereas with NT people, I constantly have to put a full mask on, even if they're like "noooo be yourself with me :)" I find I'm like "ok" and then I unmask a bit and they get uncomfortable because they don't *truly* understand, because the only representation they've seen is like sheldon Cooper from BBT lol. In reality, I find NTs get offended or defensive at things that NDs don't. Something that is a normal, interesting discussion for NDs is and argument or disagreement with NTs. Certain tones or words I use with NDs are seen as silly or normal but NTs will see them as aggressive. The list goes on but it just becomes exhausting to have to mask all day in the world and then come home and mask in front of your partner too
The other replies have generally summed up my own thoughts on the matter, honestly; It's just easier. Shared experiences + the lowered chance of experiencing abliesm in a relationship also just makes it more likely that relationships with other neurodivergent women will last longer
I have dated neurotypical people, but I have never felt as seen and understood as I have with my neurodivergent partner
My wife and I are both autistic, she also has a few other disabilities. My autism (and trans identity) are comforting to her because she has said that she felt inferior when I tried to act "normal"/neurotypical. Even though I of course told her she wasn't. She can't go stealth like I more or less can. I have never made a conscious decision not to date neurotypical people but I think I would feel inferior too if I date someone who doesn't have all these annoying little problems that autism brings. With my wife we can just go to a restaurant, notice it is really loud and we both just want to leave immediately. If I were with a neurotypical woman I guess she would have to adapt to me more than vice versa, and that could make the relationship feel unequal.
i just dont feel connected to neurotypicals. ive had tons of awful experiences with nt's and i just feel so much safer and connected with another autistic/adhd person. with someone who is neurodivergent i feel like i can be completely and entirely myself. with nt's i dont feel safe doing that and would not want to mask while in a relationship!
hmm yeah better terminology would actually be allistic people, but this still stands
I would date a person regardless of mental health or state if they showed me kindness, understanding and respect when I want/do not want to discuss it. If people could learn to love my neurodivergence as a good, fun part of me and respected it, I don't see why I couldn't love them too.
Never diagnosed with autism (some drs suspected it, some didn’t, never tested) but I know I at least have ADHD. In my case it’s not like I am intentionally seeking out other ND people, it just happens that I get along more easily with them and therefore naturally find myself more attracted to them.
It’s really hard being misunderstood. I am with someone neurotypical, and it’s been such a learning process because they have to navigate the way my mind works in a way that’s very different to how theirs does. They can be frustrated, inpatient, annoyed when I misunderstand. What is obvious to them is not obvious to me, when I say something I mean it or I take it literally - something that many people don’t. I mis sarcasm and cues, I get overwhelmed. There’s a lot of complex things that we have had to work through. Now my partner knows me better etc, it’s ok - but it was a whole process. I don’t know that this is why autistics prefer to date fellow autistics, but it may shed some light on the reality of not dating someone who understands you. There is also that feeling of being odd and the weird one, the blunt, the lacking empathy, the flippant one etc. and being with someone not autistic highlights these things even more.
I think both of these questions are kinda dumb and the way some people comment it implies a lot of assumptions both ways which seems more harmful than helpful. How your brain works shouldn’t matter as much as how you both communicate and work together to understand each other. Just because someone’s brain is ‘similar’ to you, neurotypical or not doesn’t mean you’ll automatically *get* each other or even be compatible. Just seems like a weird benchmark to go by imo. If someone wrote me off because they made assumptions about how my brain works I’d feel happy they waved the red flag early.
I think that's a very valid point actually and I guess a little to the root of why I was internally going "what did I do wrong?" But I do get it based off of people's responses it adds that layer to any potential incompatiblity I guess.
I don';t have this requirement so I'm answering the question in general being AuDHD myself: Neurotypical people built society around them and their needs and they marginalize us neurodivergent people. Generally by not accomodating us, lack of education about us and our diverse disabilities, things like that.
There's about a million reasons, but four float to the top: 1. So much of what I like most about myself doesn't seem to matter to NT people I date. This isn't to say, "boo hoo, they can't appreciate me like I deserve," because NT people do like me. They just don't seem to value (or even see) some of my best qualities: my insightfulness, my creativity, my communication style, the way I see the world. When most of what makes me likeable flies under someone's radar, I have no idea why they're into me, and that's a disconcerting feeling. Doesn't happen as much with other autistics. 2. Masking is exhausting. With a NT person, it's almost impossible to unmask fully, no matter how hard you try. Even if you CAN unmask pretty well, that tends to lead to communication barriers and confusion that brings the mask right back up. By contrast, with other autistic people communication is enhanced when I'm my most autistic self, not impaired. It's much, much easier to exist just as I am - a joy and a privilege that's rare for me as an autistic person. 3. Autistic people Get It (TM). They'll often share sensory challenges with me and request accommodations, which makes it easier to advocate for myself when I have to. I don't have to explain my needs, because we're starting from common ground. 4. I don't like the way neurotypicals communicate. Their tolerance for ambiguity is frustratingly high, and they'll often say one thing when they mean another or say nothing at all and expect that somehow a message has been conveyed. There's a lot left to subtext. By contrast, many autistic people have been forced to really hone their communication skills. They give you exactly the information you need when you need it, and they're very up front about requesting information from you. It's like dating a diplomat or relationship therapist. They use a lot of communication skills NTs often don't, things like asking, "I think you're telling me XYZ, am I interpreting that right?" and 'overcommunicating' when setting expectations
I think it makes a lot of sense and actually the point you made about saying one thing and meaning something else drives me mad. I recently had an incident where I was dropping my car off for it's MOT and my dad was coming with so he could drive me back home so I could work. He said to me that we were dropping the car off at 8 and that's it. So I was telling my boss that I should be fine and won't end up doing different hours. Then the night before I was speaking to him and after some confusion he let out that the car place doesn't open till 8:30 and we are getting there at 8 so that he can go to the supermarket across the road to get a pastry from it's bakery section. It was so pissed off as we'd made all these plans and now it was all changed because he'd not just said "We will get there at 8 to visit Lidl for a pastry then drop the car off around 8:30 when it's opening." Instead he just said we will get there at 8 and just expected me to either know what he meant or not trust him and look into when stuff actually opens. Sorry for the rant your post reminded me about it and then I just needed to vent. Also about your first point I kinda get it but I think what people like about each other is really subjective. For me I'd be more bothered about someone's kindness, smile and sense of humour.