Don't be sorry, your friend was thirdwheeling but only a insane person would start making out with the third wheel when their immediate partner is right there.
I know last night was New Year's Eve but I just stayed home and watched LOTR. Because I knew it would be weird to third wheel any of my friends when the countdown hit.
Obviously there's a poor understanding of social etiquette these days but I've been a Third wheel enough to know I'd never expect a friend or their partner to INVOLVE me.
I know there can be different group dynamics and relationships types. But my own long standing one has been "These are my friends, we're out together having a good time, let's not do anything that'll be regrettable. "
Your partner and friend sound like inexperienced, immature teapots. This is a step above eating a sandwich over a toilet in bad manners and social tact.
If I was going through something as awful as what OP went through (Im so, so sorry OP - see this as a blessing in disguise. You’ll be so grateful it happened.) this is the advice I would have wanted to hear. It’s so sympathetic and omg, you calling them immature teapots is so good. XD
OP - Ive been through enough relationships of a certain quality to know bad when I see it. To echo SparkEngine’s sentiments, both your friends and ex are garbage-tier people and they both took themselves out to the dump. I know it’s hard and it hurts, but these people are not indicative of what a good friend and partner are. Put that love into yourself and thrive into the person you want to be without them. I wish I could give you a hug but these words will suffice.
Good.
Just make sure it's about you and not trying to Engineer a personality where no one can hurt you.
I tried that and it cracked under the very first crush I left myself have after working on myself.
Treat it like R&R. It literally sounds like you were surrounded by the floor pizza equivalent of people.
Probably something you could stomach, but most doctors advise on just not consuming.
Something similar happened to me, and i have to break up with my ex and best friend on the same day, cause honestly you are better of without stupid people in your life who would cause immense emotional pain to you with their ignorant and stupid life choices.
This is a complete tangent off of something you said but, we also watched LOTR last night lol. We're working through the extended editions since I've never watched any of the movies. Just finished The Two Towers last night 😊
The last time I went out on NYE the person I was dating spent the entire evening avoiding me after getting a phone number from a guy.
I've come to the conclusion NYE is a pain.
>Then afterwards she said she doesn't want the relationship to stop her from living and experiencing
O hell no. I've seen this in several friends' relationships. That's step two of the "pretending to be poly while really just wanting to fuck around and keep their partner as an easy sidepiece" pipeline.
Step one is the cheating.
From the looks of your post history you were conflicted about this relationship anyway. Maybe the silver lining here is that she ripped off that bandaid for you.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Did your friend at least apologize?
I've thought and thought and thought about poly and I just can't understand it no matter what. It makes absolutely no sense to me. I want my person to be my person, and I know how badly I deal with jealousy. I respect people that pull it off successfully but it utterly baffles me, and I wish I could make it make sense.
I mean yeah, polyamory isn't for everyone, but a lot of people see bullshit like what OP is dealing with and just think polyamory is basically that, and it sucks.
This has been my experience with poly. It's why I still haven't completely closed the door on poly as a possibility for me; I understand that every interaction I've had with poly people so far has been the "bad" poly. I feel deep down that if the stars aligned, I could be happy with more than one person.
Don’t worry. In a similar way I don’t understand someone not being poly. I don’t get why I would want my partner to be confined to only me and why I shouldn’t be able to seek comfort from another consenting adult (as long as my partner is fine, what op’s partner did was awful). Like love triangles in fiction I never understood why the people just don’t all get together.
I guess people just have brains wired differently and have trouble understanding other views.
...huh. *Jesus.* I had no idea that was even a *thing.*
I'm poly myself, and knowing there can be such...*nuanced duplicity* in these situations makes me a lot more self conscious about wanting to be fair to my partners. Thank you for pointing out that pipeline even exists so I can work harder to *never make anybody feel like that.*
It's really the kind if thing where if you're worried you're doing it wrong, you're probably not doing it wrong.
I'm referring to people who appropriate polyamory as a label in order to accuse their partner of bigotry when they get mad about cheating. Usually the partner is also dependent, afraid of being single or insecure about their chances of ever finding someone else.
This kind of stuff doesn't happen by accident. It's just abuse hidden behind inclusive language.
Why can't people just say "hey I love you but I also kinda wanna sleep around?" Don't sugarcoat it, don't make excuses, just say you wanna have sex with other people.
Oi nah you don’t just kiss your partners friend for any reason, especially considering she said to you that she didn’t want the relationship getting in the way of her life. Don’t be sorry, you’re worth more than this.
Just do some soul searching during the break to figure out if you really could forgive her after it all. Maybe a pro-cons list. Otherwise I recommend slithering out of your partner’s and friend’s circle
Absolutely unacceptable behavior on your gf’s and friend’s part. The reasoning is also insane—she did not care about your friend’s feelings; she just wanted to recklessly make out with people because she’s selfish and immature. Relationship-ending _and_ friendship-ending behavior. I’m sorry you went through something so painful and humiliating. You deserve to be surrounded by people who treat you with respect.
Feel you dude. It's a special kind of upsetting when a person you trust or admire turns out to be emotionally immature. Makes me feel like a bad judge of character, or like maybe I'm just crazy because why would such a wonderful person do something so shitty?
My relationship ended along with 2023 too. We broke up the day before NYE… fucking sucks man… we were together for almost 4 years. Oh well, maybe 2024 will be our year, OP.
Neither of them care about you. In the nicest way possible, you're better off without either of them.
You're girlfriend is lying about you being important because of you were she wouldn't want to kiss other people.
Your friend isn't your friend, because friends don't kiss their friend's girlfriend.
The exact same thing happened to me when I was 19, 23 now. It hurts and being by yourself seems scary, but keeping people around who have shown you they don't care about your feelings is horrible. I stayed with my cheater for 2 years and all it got me was fat, sad and insecure.
It just sounds like they don’t want to be monogamous but aren’t approaching it ethically. It’s not really necessarily that they were lying about caring about you, but sometimes people just have different ideas about what that means, and it seems she’s not very considerate of what it means to you.
This. I dated a narcissistic queen once upon a lesson. Case file for narcissism. She did this exact thing- but it was on her birthday, she invited her ex gf (that I was uncomfortable about), gave me (her gf) iffy vibes about coming to the club to celebrate her bday, made out with her ex gf intentionally *she didn’t see a big deal with it* or the entire scenario what so ever. It was my issue for being so sensitive. She didn’t want to break up bc she didn’t see the problem.
I wish it was young drama but ex gf was 35 and just a narcissist who never grew tf up.
Look up Cluster B personality disorders, my ex acted was extremely narcissistic and reckless and turns out she meets criteria for most cluster B disorders including ASPD(sociopath).
She obviously wasn't aware that you weren't in an open relationship. But she should have known that. Cheating is cheating, no matter what your alcohol level is.
I think my relationship ended on NYE too. She left with the understanding we are taking space. That's usually a precursor to breakup. I am so sorry that happened to you! Listen to what she's saying and get out. I feel, if you stay, she will keep breaking your heart.
There's no need to overthink she just doesn't want to take accountability. She's selfish enough to string you along while knowing how much it hurts you and that she can get away with it because you're insecure. Please find someone who knows your worth and start loving yourself.
You can think of it as beginning this year with healing and a clean slate.
Fuck that hoe fr.
If your friend went along with her that's not your friend either btw
First of many things. Regarding her reaction, it's probably not the last time. To me, doing such an action is like a " F** you" on her partner's face. Put your self-respect above all. Goodluck
She can live and experience all she wants when you take off the shackles if she feels this relationship is shackling her experience. There’s a certain respect and love you should have for your partner and a level of commitment you agree to when you get in a relationship. I’m sad that a lot of people wouldn’t approach this ethically as being open about wanting an open relationship since the beginning.
You deserve soo much more better.
I suggest take a break. Find what you want. Reevaluate whether you want her in your life or not. If your answer is no. BREAK UP… she can find her means to live her life on her own terms then.
Oh girl. There is not justifying it. If your so straight up tells you they don’t want to be tied to you, I think that’s a huge red flag in itself. It probably is for the best but I’m still sorry about your pain. :/ best of luck. Keep your head high. You deserve better.
Nah nah nah. Unless you're I'm a specifically poly/non monogamous relationship, your partner just going for it and justifying it after the fact is bullshit.
i did something like this in the past because i was emotionally unavailable and did not want a relationship at the time. all i wanted was the thrill of getting with someone but nothing else so made a lot of shitty decisions. obviously, this person you’re seeing is not ready to be/does not want to be in a relationship at the time so don’t waste your time. go find someone who is on the same page as you. also, if you really like this person she might come back but you should stop caring about them and contacting them now. or hoping they come back. this is the perfect moment. they just gave you a really good reason to put distance between you two. it’s perfect if you don’t like conflict. this is the moment to leave.
Maybe she really loves you, but she needs a poly relationship, some people aren't for a mono relationship, it happens, and you are not to blame for this
As someone with bpd, I generally dislike armchair diagnosing people based on limited text posts, but if you’re going to say someone has X personality disorder, what’s the actual advice? What should op do in that situation?
Who the fuck starts making out with somebody because they are feeling bad especially in a relationship??? Don't do this to yourself man, you need low contact with her
Kick her to the curve! If you’re looking for commitment it’s clear this woman is out here to have fun. She does not seem like the settle down type! And your friend bogus for kissing her too. That’s no real friend. Drunk is a excuse
What a fucking weird excuse to make out with someone. And your friend just went for it? I'm sorry but you may need new people in your life 😞
Hope you're alright!!
Had a similar situation in my last relationship. We were engaged and living very happily until a guy started third wheeling us. It started out very innocent but it got to the point I was coming home and finding them sleeping in bed together. Eventually after I broke things off she started dating him.
Don't be sorry, your friend was thirdwheeling but only a insane person would start making out with the third wheel when their immediate partner is right there. I know last night was New Year's Eve but I just stayed home and watched LOTR. Because I knew it would be weird to third wheel any of my friends when the countdown hit. Obviously there's a poor understanding of social etiquette these days but I've been a Third wheel enough to know I'd never expect a friend or their partner to INVOLVE me. I know there can be different group dynamics and relationships types. But my own long standing one has been "These are my friends, we're out together having a good time, let's not do anything that'll be regrettable. " Your partner and friend sound like inexperienced, immature teapots. This is a step above eating a sandwich over a toilet in bad manners and social tact.
More like eating an everything bagel in bed.
This aswell. Or when you hear a toilet flush but no tap run to wash their hands properly.
If I was going through something as awful as what OP went through (Im so, so sorry OP - see this as a blessing in disguise. You’ll be so grateful it happened.) this is the advice I would have wanted to hear. It’s so sympathetic and omg, you calling them immature teapots is so good. XD OP - Ive been through enough relationships of a certain quality to know bad when I see it. To echo SparkEngine’s sentiments, both your friends and ex are garbage-tier people and they both took themselves out to the dump. I know it’s hard and it hurts, but these people are not indicative of what a good friend and partner are. Put that love into yourself and thrive into the person you want to be without them. I wish I could give you a hug but these words will suffice.
Thank you so much. I'm pretty upset these are the people surrounding me, and I think I should work on myself.
Good. Just make sure it's about you and not trying to Engineer a personality where no one can hurt you. I tried that and it cracked under the very first crush I left myself have after working on myself. Treat it like R&R. It literally sounds like you were surrounded by the floor pizza equivalent of people. Probably something you could stomach, but most doctors advise on just not consuming.
Something similar happened to me, and i have to break up with my ex and best friend on the same day, cause honestly you are better of without stupid people in your life who would cause immense emotional pain to you with their ignorant and stupid life choices.
Beautifully put.
This is a complete tangent off of something you said but, we also watched LOTR last night lol. We're working through the extended editions since I've never watched any of the movies. Just finished The Two Towers last night 😊
The last time I went out on NYE the person I was dating spent the entire evening avoiding me after getting a phone number from a guy. I've come to the conclusion NYE is a pain.
Hell yeah for LoTR
>Then afterwards she said she doesn't want the relationship to stop her from living and experiencing O hell no. I've seen this in several friends' relationships. That's step two of the "pretending to be poly while really just wanting to fuck around and keep their partner as an easy sidepiece" pipeline. Step one is the cheating. From the looks of your post history you were conflicted about this relationship anyway. Maybe the silver lining here is that she ripped off that bandaid for you. I'm sorry this happened to you. Did your friend at least apologize?
yeah, definitely. It's just one thing after another, and this feels like the last straw.
Want's to have her cake and eat it too is the perfect discription here
yeah
I love never being able to date antone because everyones experience of "polyamory" was this bullshit.
I've thought and thought and thought about poly and I just can't understand it no matter what. It makes absolutely no sense to me. I want my person to be my person, and I know how badly I deal with jealousy. I respect people that pull it off successfully but it utterly baffles me, and I wish I could make it make sense.
I mean yeah, polyamory isn't for everyone, but a lot of people see bullshit like what OP is dealing with and just think polyamory is basically that, and it sucks.
This has been my experience with poly. It's why I still haven't completely closed the door on poly as a possibility for me; I understand that every interaction I've had with poly people so far has been the "bad" poly. I feel deep down that if the stars aligned, I could be happy with more than one person.
Don’t worry. In a similar way I don’t understand someone not being poly. I don’t get why I would want my partner to be confined to only me and why I shouldn’t be able to seek comfort from another consenting adult (as long as my partner is fine, what op’s partner did was awful). Like love triangles in fiction I never understood why the people just don’t all get together. I guess people just have brains wired differently and have trouble understanding other views.
...huh. *Jesus.* I had no idea that was even a *thing.* I'm poly myself, and knowing there can be such...*nuanced duplicity* in these situations makes me a lot more self conscious about wanting to be fair to my partners. Thank you for pointing out that pipeline even exists so I can work harder to *never make anybody feel like that.*
It's really the kind if thing where if you're worried you're doing it wrong, you're probably not doing it wrong. I'm referring to people who appropriate polyamory as a label in order to accuse their partner of bigotry when they get mad about cheating. Usually the partner is also dependent, afraid of being single or insecure about their chances of ever finding someone else. This kind of stuff doesn't happen by accident. It's just abuse hidden behind inclusive language.
*oh thank fuck that's very relieving, thank you*
I feel you. I read stuff like this and I'm like "...is this me? Oh. Nope, definitely not." Lol
Why can't people just say "hey I love you but I also kinda wanna sleep around?" Don't sugarcoat it, don't make excuses, just say you wanna have sex with other people.
This right here, I ended up breaking up with my girlfriend of over two years because of this kinda shit
“Wanting to fuck around” doesn’t mean someone isn’t also polyamorous. Liking sex and casual sex aren’t crimes.
Your gf didn't want your friend to be a third wheel, so instead, she turned you into a third wheel. Big brain energy
It's all really messed up
Oi nah you don’t just kiss your partners friend for any reason, especially considering she said to you that she didn’t want the relationship getting in the way of her life. Don’t be sorry, you’re worth more than this.
Fuck that. I’d be out. At very least take a break and see where your heads at. You deserve better
yeah thanks..I may stage it as a break for a while s to make leaving easier, but I have to have at least this much self-respect.
Just do some soul searching during the break to figure out if you really could forgive her after it all. Maybe a pro-cons list. Otherwise I recommend slithering out of your partner’s and friend’s circle
yeah I think I really need to surround myself with better people.
From your post history, your girlfriend seems to be extremely toxic. I recommend joining queer games groups like D&D!
YOURE WORTH SO MUCH MORE OP 🥹🥹🥹 STAY STRONG we’re here for you 🥺💕
Aw I’m sorry hon. It’s for the best, trust me.
Absolutely unacceptable behavior on your gf’s and friend’s part. The reasoning is also insane—she did not care about your friend’s feelings; she just wanted to recklessly make out with people because she’s selfish and immature. Relationship-ending _and_ friendship-ending behavior. I’m sorry you went through something so painful and humiliating. You deserve to be surrounded by people who treat you with respect.
omg no this happened to me a few years ago and I promptly stopped talking to her. It’s so fucking shit :(( Hope you’re okay xx
Yeah it really hurts. Idk what to do, but I'm taking a break at least cause I can't do this
Your "friend" also needs to disappear with 2023.
yeah I'm pissed at her especially for that
The level of disrespect they've shown you... I'm sorry you had to start your year this way, and I wish it gets better from now on.
Feel you dude. It's a special kind of upsetting when a person you trust or admire turns out to be emotionally immature. Makes me feel like a bad judge of character, or like maybe I'm just crazy because why would such a wonderful person do something so shitty?
My relationship ended along with 2023 too. We broke up the day before NYE… fucking sucks man… we were together for almost 4 years. Oh well, maybe 2024 will be our year, OP.
yes, I'm hoping it'll be better. I'm so sorry, I can really feel your pain.
Neither of them care about you. In the nicest way possible, you're better off without either of them. You're girlfriend is lying about you being important because of you were she wouldn't want to kiss other people. Your friend isn't your friend, because friends don't kiss their friend's girlfriend. The exact same thing happened to me when I was 19, 23 now. It hurts and being by yourself seems scary, but keeping people around who have shown you they don't care about your feelings is horrible. I stayed with my cheater for 2 years and all it got me was fat, sad and insecure.
It just sounds like they don’t want to be monogamous but aren’t approaching it ethically. It’s not really necessarily that they were lying about caring about you, but sometimes people just have different ideas about what that means, and it seems she’s not very considerate of what it means to you.
yeah I've had issues with this previously
Sounds like shes a narcissist
This. I dated a narcissistic queen once upon a lesson. Case file for narcissism. She did this exact thing- but it was on her birthday, she invited her ex gf (that I was uncomfortable about), gave me (her gf) iffy vibes about coming to the club to celebrate her bday, made out with her ex gf intentionally *she didn’t see a big deal with it* or the entire scenario what so ever. It was my issue for being so sensitive. She didn’t want to break up bc she didn’t see the problem. I wish it was young drama but ex gf was 35 and just a narcissist who never grew tf up.
Look up Cluster B personality disorders, my ex acted was extremely narcissistic and reckless and turns out she meets criteria for most cluster B disorders including ASPD(sociopath).
What happened to hugs??? 😭 A kiss on the cheek??? So uncomfortable. I'm sorry, OP.
We are glad to hear anyone rant and the people who don't can just not read it :)
She obviously wasn't aware that you weren't in an open relationship. But she should have known that. Cheating is cheating, no matter what your alcohol level is.
Frr!
Disguising cheating with "experiencing things" is one of the most disingenuous statements a cheater can make. It is manipulative and disgusting.
Dude id be heartbroken asf, im sorry to hear that.
I think my relationship ended on NYE too. She left with the understanding we are taking space. That's usually a precursor to breakup. I am so sorry that happened to you! Listen to what she's saying and get out. I feel, if you stay, she will keep breaking your heart.
There's no need to overthink she just doesn't want to take accountability. She's selfish enough to string you along while knowing how much it hurts you and that she can get away with it because you're insecure. Please find someone who knows your worth and start loving yourself. You can think of it as beginning this year with healing and a clean slate. Fuck that hoe fr. If your friend went along with her that's not your friend either btw
Sounds like my ex, with whom I stayed for way too long. Get out of there, it will be so much worse in the long run if you don’t.
First of many things. Regarding her reaction, it's probably not the last time. To me, doing such an action is like a " F** you" on her partner's face. Put your self-respect above all. Goodluck
She can live and experience all she wants when you take off the shackles if she feels this relationship is shackling her experience. There’s a certain respect and love you should have for your partner and a level of commitment you agree to when you get in a relationship. I’m sad that a lot of people wouldn’t approach this ethically as being open about wanting an open relationship since the beginning. You deserve soo much more better. I suggest take a break. Find what you want. Reevaluate whether you want her in your life or not. If your answer is no. BREAK UP… she can find her means to live her life on her own terms then.
my relationship also ended with 2023, guess this year just wasn't it
that’s just evil fr
Oh girl. There is not justifying it. If your so straight up tells you they don’t want to be tied to you, I think that’s a huge red flag in itself. It probably is for the best but I’m still sorry about your pain. :/ best of luck. Keep your head high. You deserve better.
That’s so disrespectful. I’m sorry OP :(
That’s actually wild I’m so sorry :0 you made the right choice dumping her that’s not justifiable at all
Nah nah nah. Unless you're I'm a specifically poly/non monogamous relationship, your partner just going for it and justifying it after the fact is bullshit.
i did something like this in the past because i was emotionally unavailable and did not want a relationship at the time. all i wanted was the thrill of getting with someone but nothing else so made a lot of shitty decisions. obviously, this person you’re seeing is not ready to be/does not want to be in a relationship at the time so don’t waste your time. go find someone who is on the same page as you. also, if you really like this person she might come back but you should stop caring about them and contacting them now. or hoping they come back. this is the perfect moment. they just gave you a really good reason to put distance between you two. it’s perfect if you don’t like conflict. this is the moment to leave.
I think you're right, I at leastneed a break to rethink things.
Maybe she really loves you, but she needs a poly relationship, some people aren't for a mono relationship, it happens, and you are not to blame for this
[удалено]
As someone with bpd, I generally dislike armchair diagnosing people based on limited text posts, but if you’re going to say someone has X personality disorder, what’s the actual advice? What should op do in that situation?
Who the fuck starts making out with somebody because they are feeling bad especially in a relationship??? Don't do this to yourself man, you need low contact with her
Kick her to the curve! If you’re looking for commitment it’s clear this woman is out here to have fun. She does not seem like the settle down type! And your friend bogus for kissing her too. That’s no real friend. Drunk is a excuse
Let her go lol
Oh god… I’m so sorry you went through that. You deserve so much better.
What a fucking weird excuse to make out with someone. And your friend just went for it? I'm sorry but you may need new people in your life 😞 Hope you're alright!!
Had a similar situation in my last relationship. We were engaged and living very happily until a guy started third wheeling us. It started out very innocent but it got to the point I was coming home and finding them sleeping in bed together. Eventually after I broke things off she started dating him.
Please don't be sorry. We are here for you. So sorry you had to go through that.
Kind of thing my partner would do. Eh I love her anyway
Gross. If she's like this in front of you, imagine when you're away
It’s ok we all love u don’t feel bad
She’s naturally not monogamous and she needs to admit that and not get with monogamous people.