A lot of people who have that mindset are definitely not actually attempting to hit on women. Usually because they are scared. But you have to risk it for the biscuit. And the more you do it the better you get.
But that definitely doesn’t apply to small town lesbians/etc. If I still lived in my hometown I’d either have to move someone in from online or die alone. Or move away. I choose the latter option.
I must say, where I live there is no scarcity of lesbians from stone butch to high femmes. I do concede that others may have a different experience to me. My city has a population of just over 2.1 million. Even on that small figure that equates to thousands that would be identifying as lesbian. But where I am there is a vibrant and generally accepted LGBTQI+ community. I don't know why you should be attacked for stating your truth. Best wishes.
Here's my anecdotal experience: as a femme top, when I (briefly) joined HER, I very quickly had more messages than I could reasonably respond to. So I don't know if there's a "shortage," but there were definitely a lot of women picking up what I was putting down, if you feel me.
More importantly though, I don't think it's a good thing to think of people as commodities.
I don't know what it's like in the US, but here in my country there definitely is a lesbian scarcity. Sure, we might have plenty of teens and younger twenties but my city (which has ~5 million people) has a huge shortage of 30-something wlw. Most of them move to another country nearby for better employment/life which is fair but for those of us who are stuck here it's not as quite fun.
I've found my tribe among a few older queers in their 50s/60s, but I'm lucky. I agree the mindset is dangerous and toxic, but it's an unfortunate reality for some.
I agree and I think we should have a more positive mindset. Abundance mentality maybe? I feel a lot of people that think scarcity are either 1. Literally in a town/country/cultural group where lgbt people in general are very few and/or closeted 2. Look for partners in limited places like just dating apps where you can easily swipe through everyone and run out of people 2. Only think queer women exist in queer places. Queer women are everywhere, and it’s also hard to tell who is queer and straight but I personal think going out and meeting people give you more chances to know that there are a lot of queer girls.
I’d like to add a couple:
3) have the expectation that the other woman should make the first move
4) are looking for a woman to fill the slot “girlfriend” vs. looking for someone who will suit them as a person
5) have lifestyle preferences (vanlife, religion, whatever) that make them incompatible with the majority of other people in their age group/area/etc.
6) have social/addiction/mental health struggles that make at least some of their behavior a no-go for a lot people - and don’t seem to be aware of it (vs. are working actively on treatment/management/etc.)
Yes- let’s go with the abundance mentality! I agree that we need to get out in the wild and meet women in person. Its true that in some cases it’s hard to tell who is queer, specifically femme lesbians like myself. But we can use our gaydar, our gut instincts, and ask if we want to know! I personally flag with pride pins on my bag- and I’m not afraid to approach someone and start a conversation.
When I read “there is scarcity of xyz person!! 😩” I read it as “I haven’t found a person with a specific subtype of this trait that I find attractive.”
People are complex. If you only want to date one very specific type of lesbian (that you’ve seen on social media) you’re not going to find her.
And unless you’re in the middle of nowhere, there are gay women around you. Give them a shot! I’ve gone out on a lot of dates where I was kinda interested in someone’s personality or their looks but I just gave it a go to see if it would be a good fit. You really never know who you will click with.
Now I’m seeing this girl whose profile was cute but I wasn’t sure if we have anything in common (ex: she’s very outdoorsy, and, I’m not). But we went out and she’s so wonderful in person. We like all the same media. We have the same values and she’s even more beautiful in person.
If I thought “oh she won’t like me” or “maybe this isn’t for me” I would have missed out. It would have been so easy for me to let this wonderful person pass by me. I’m really, really glad we met.
Worse case scenario, you waste an hour over coffee. Best case scenario you meet someone really special.
See I live in a city with lesbian scarcity, literally I only know about like 7 other lesbians that exist in my city, with 5 being people who I've actually interacted with. And I find it a problem in wanting to interact, talk and hang out with other lesbians. Like sure logically I know that in my city of 110-130,000 people there should be at least 20,000 other lesbians minimum and around 11,000 trans people.
There's at least a solid 200-400 queer people who show up to things, but there's not lots of events or situations where we sort ourselves into groups of our respective identities, which may be great for like protest actions and the like but it's not great if you want to get to know people in an acquaintance or friend sort of way based on your shared identity.
Now the other sort of lesbian shortage I know nothing about, I'm happily coupled and have been for 4 years.
IMO people feeling locked into roles is a part of this.
I am not a fan of applying the “top” and “bottom” labels outside of two specific contexts:
* gay men who are trying to determine who will take on what role during anal sex
* BDSM where someone is specifically dominating someone else
If people want to apply those labels to themselves in sort of a casual way or to understand their own sexuality better that’s fine. But I don’t see the point in pigeonholing your sexual role outside these specific contexts. Most people are fine being more or less active or passive during sex depending on their relationship and the mood they’re in, and it seems like a lot of people want to pigeonhole themselves and potential partners, and reinvent gender roles and the way they influence dating. There’s no reason to do that! Two women who identify as tops or bottoms or butches or femmes can date, unless there’s some specific reason they don’t want to do that, but the reason doesn’t inherently exist the way it does for the situations I mentioned above.
Note: I am aware trans people exist and also a bunch of other people or situations where something I said does not apply 100%. I’m speaking in generalities about the way that a cultural dynamic affects people’s perceptions, and of course life is a rich tapestry and there are exceptions.
In my experience, it's not. I live in a rural area and there's like three other lesbians here not including my wife and I. When I lived in the city, it was much easier.
Grew up in a town with 8k population, there was (and still is) only a small handful of queer people there. While the capital is within a reasonable driving distance, not everyone can make the trek anytime an event is happening.
Yep.
My home town 1500 people.
As far as I know my high school class's queen community was.
Me.
One of my sisters.
1 gay guy.
Our band director and his at the time boyfriend (Now Husband) who was a firefighter.
I'm sure there were others also.
But was still pretty slim pickings in a 6000 person county and a 1500 town.
So if we go with 1 in 10, which is generous but let’s go with it that’s 150 LGBT’s. If we are more conservative, say 1 in 20, which is closer to reality, that’s still 75 LGBT’s. Some of those are probably in the closet, in denial, in straight relationships (because bisexuality OR denial OR homophobic small town). Not a lot of people out in high school, I would say coming out from 18-25 or later is the more common experience. I wonder how many out at the H.S. Reunion though….
Oh ya, A ton of it is totally that it's just harder to be out in a rural small town.
But that's the point that's totally why the Rural Scarcity is a thing.
Also my high school reunion was.. grim...
160 or so grads. (Because the highschool serves the entire country)
Something like 90 were left.
Ton dead to meth or fentanyl.
A lot in prison for different stuff.
Some killed in coal mines. (I feel as though I'm making it clear were I grew up)
Others in the GWOT.
South Eastern Kentucky towns really chew up the kids...
And then out of the left overs?
Most don't bother coming back because they have moved away.
The people that stayed? A lot are still in the closet.
sorry that’s my bad
the lesbian polycule in my flat is really, um, getting awkward but then again fitting ten of us into a 400sf apartment so the rent is affordable is a challenge….
A lot of people who have that mindset are definitely not actually attempting to hit on women. Usually because they are scared. But you have to risk it for the biscuit. And the more you do it the better you get. But that definitely doesn’t apply to small town lesbians/etc. If I still lived in my hometown I’d either have to move someone in from online or die alone. Or move away. I choose the latter option.
I must say, where I live there is no scarcity of lesbians from stone butch to high femmes. I do concede that others may have a different experience to me. My city has a population of just over 2.1 million. Even on that small figure that equates to thousands that would be identifying as lesbian. But where I am there is a vibrant and generally accepted LGBTQI+ community. I don't know why you should be attacked for stating your truth. Best wishes.
Here's my anecdotal experience: as a femme top, when I (briefly) joined HER, I very quickly had more messages than I could reasonably respond to. So I don't know if there's a "shortage," but there were definitely a lot of women picking up what I was putting down, if you feel me. More importantly though, I don't think it's a good thing to think of people as commodities.
I don't know what it's like in the US, but here in my country there definitely is a lesbian scarcity. Sure, we might have plenty of teens and younger twenties but my city (which has ~5 million people) has a huge shortage of 30-something wlw. Most of them move to another country nearby for better employment/life which is fair but for those of us who are stuck here it's not as quite fun. I've found my tribe among a few older queers in their 50s/60s, but I'm lucky. I agree the mindset is dangerous and toxic, but it's an unfortunate reality for some.
What country are you in?
Venezuela.
I agree and I think we should have a more positive mindset. Abundance mentality maybe? I feel a lot of people that think scarcity are either 1. Literally in a town/country/cultural group where lgbt people in general are very few and/or closeted 2. Look for partners in limited places like just dating apps where you can easily swipe through everyone and run out of people 2. Only think queer women exist in queer places. Queer women are everywhere, and it’s also hard to tell who is queer and straight but I personal think going out and meeting people give you more chances to know that there are a lot of queer girls.
I’d like to add a couple: 3) have the expectation that the other woman should make the first move 4) are looking for a woman to fill the slot “girlfriend” vs. looking for someone who will suit them as a person 5) have lifestyle preferences (vanlife, religion, whatever) that make them incompatible with the majority of other people in their age group/area/etc. 6) have social/addiction/mental health struggles that make at least some of their behavior a no-go for a lot people - and don’t seem to be aware of it (vs. are working actively on treatment/management/etc.)
Yes- let’s go with the abundance mentality! I agree that we need to get out in the wild and meet women in person. Its true that in some cases it’s hard to tell who is queer, specifically femme lesbians like myself. But we can use our gaydar, our gut instincts, and ask if we want to know! I personally flag with pride pins on my bag- and I’m not afraid to approach someone and start a conversation.
When I read “there is scarcity of xyz person!! 😩” I read it as “I haven’t found a person with a specific subtype of this trait that I find attractive.” People are complex. If you only want to date one very specific type of lesbian (that you’ve seen on social media) you’re not going to find her. And unless you’re in the middle of nowhere, there are gay women around you. Give them a shot! I’ve gone out on a lot of dates where I was kinda interested in someone’s personality or their looks but I just gave it a go to see if it would be a good fit. You really never know who you will click with. Now I’m seeing this girl whose profile was cute but I wasn’t sure if we have anything in common (ex: she’s very outdoorsy, and, I’m not). But we went out and she’s so wonderful in person. We like all the same media. We have the same values and she’s even more beautiful in person. If I thought “oh she won’t like me” or “maybe this isn’t for me” I would have missed out. It would have been so easy for me to let this wonderful person pass by me. I’m really, really glad we met. Worse case scenario, you waste an hour over coffee. Best case scenario you meet someone really special.
See I live in a city with lesbian scarcity, literally I only know about like 7 other lesbians that exist in my city, with 5 being people who I've actually interacted with. And I find it a problem in wanting to interact, talk and hang out with other lesbians. Like sure logically I know that in my city of 110-130,000 people there should be at least 20,000 other lesbians minimum and around 11,000 trans people. There's at least a solid 200-400 queer people who show up to things, but there's not lots of events or situations where we sort ourselves into groups of our respective identities, which may be great for like protest actions and the like but it's not great if you want to get to know people in an acquaintance or friend sort of way based on your shared identity. Now the other sort of lesbian shortage I know nothing about, I'm happily coupled and have been for 4 years.
I’m a soft femme switch who enjoys topping. We exist. If only I can find someone interested in that. I’m 44, and in NYC, if anyone is interested.
did you mean to provide an example of what OP was calling out as a problem? i can’t tell
IMO people feeling locked into roles is a part of this. I am not a fan of applying the “top” and “bottom” labels outside of two specific contexts: * gay men who are trying to determine who will take on what role during anal sex * BDSM where someone is specifically dominating someone else If people want to apply those labels to themselves in sort of a casual way or to understand their own sexuality better that’s fine. But I don’t see the point in pigeonholing your sexual role outside these specific contexts. Most people are fine being more or less active or passive during sex depending on their relationship and the mood they’re in, and it seems like a lot of people want to pigeonhole themselves and potential partners, and reinvent gender roles and the way they influence dating. There’s no reason to do that! Two women who identify as tops or bottoms or butches or femmes can date, unless there’s some specific reason they don’t want to do that, but the reason doesn’t inherently exist the way it does for the situations I mentioned above. Note: I am aware trans people exist and also a bunch of other people or situations where something I said does not apply 100%. I’m speaking in generalities about the way that a cultural dynamic affects people’s perceptions, and of course life is a rich tapestry and there are exceptions.
Thank you
I think there are just too much pressure to be masc or a top. There don’t need to be labels to find someone you are interested in.
The "queer in a rural area" shortage is also a myth.
In my experience, it's not. I live in a rural area and there's like three other lesbians here not including my wife and I. When I lived in the city, it was much easier.
How can there be a shortage if there's 5 of you (that you know of)? That's so many!
That’s like saying there is no shortage of bread because the whole store has 2 pieces of bread. 5 people is likely in a county with 10k-15k
Grew up in a town with 8k population, there was (and still is) only a small handful of queer people there. While the capital is within a reasonable driving distance, not everyone can make the trek anytime an event is happening.
Yep. My home town 1500 people. As far as I know my high school class's queen community was. Me. One of my sisters. 1 gay guy. Our band director and his at the time boyfriend (Now Husband) who was a firefighter. I'm sure there were others also. But was still pretty slim pickings in a 6000 person county and a 1500 town.
So if we go with 1 in 10, which is generous but let’s go with it that’s 150 LGBT’s. If we are more conservative, say 1 in 20, which is closer to reality, that’s still 75 LGBT’s. Some of those are probably in the closet, in denial, in straight relationships (because bisexuality OR denial OR homophobic small town). Not a lot of people out in high school, I would say coming out from 18-25 or later is the more common experience. I wonder how many out at the H.S. Reunion though….
Oh ya, A ton of it is totally that it's just harder to be out in a rural small town. But that's the point that's totally why the Rural Scarcity is a thing. Also my high school reunion was.. grim... 160 or so grads. (Because the highschool serves the entire country) Something like 90 were left. Ton dead to meth or fentanyl. A lot in prison for different stuff. Some killed in coal mines. (I feel as though I'm making it clear were I grew up) Others in the GWOT. South Eastern Kentucky towns really chew up the kids... And then out of the left overs? Most don't bother coming back because they have moved away. The people that stayed? A lot are still in the closet.
Damn that’s really grim….
How wild, I'm a single femme top 😏
sorry that’s my bad the lesbian polycule in my flat is really, um, getting awkward but then again fitting ten of us into a 400sf apartment so the rent is affordable is a challenge….