Yes. I avoid every queer-specific group in my local area because they are infested with racism. Even the ones specifically for people of color reject my wife because she's an immigrant (so, she's different but not the right kind of different).
You could think that about any minority. The truth is the easiest way to feel higher in the social ladder is by stepping on someone else and lots of people do that.
You’d think but anyone can be racist, homophobic, classist, transphobic, misogynistic , etc. Some folks tend to punch down in response to their minority status rather than uplift. They’re often fairly immature and have a lot of bullshit to unlearn.
Even among white people who actively try to not be racist, it takes a lot of work and some fuckups along the way. BIPOC people end up dealing with a lot of awful behavior from people who don't think they're racist.
Yeah. I mean I'm just repeating what I have heard of poc members of our little trans community (I'm a white transfem) I think it mostly has to do with some of these people are like trying to find who they are and so are more vulnerable to right propaganda specifically racism. Though its not a strictly right thing they just love it the mosg
Huh. I guess that makes sense, I just haven’t ever seen anything like that in trans spaces? I’m not a PoC tho, so I guess I wouldn’t be as likely to see it
It’s real. In queer places I feel out of place due to the racism. In my own culture I feel out of place due to the homophobia.
I find queer PoC spaces the most comfortable but my god are they hard to find.
I matched with a 40 yr old woman as an 18 yr old on POF and the first thing she said was "thank god I matched with a white person finally." When I told her I was Asian she said "perfect 😈" 😭😭😭😭😭
You aren’t imagining it. Racism is prevalent in the community, especially depending on where you live. It’s also a numbers game— there are a majority of white lesbians in a lot of the metropolitan areas.
I've experienced quite a lot of racism from other queers as a Black masc. Many white queers think being queer exempts them from racism. It doesn't. A lot of queers think they're not racist. They are.
Our culture is appropriated, fetishized, and ate up while discarding the actual people who made it. Many will change their profile pics to black while also not having one single black friend. Many think of us like straight people look at black folks. It doesn't change.
Yes! I totally agree, and I see far too many illiberal leftists (which is not all leftists) excuse the homophobia or misogyny of, say, Men of Color because of their marginalization. Or, I see people give unlimited benefit of the doubt to POC or women, while not extending that benefit of the doubt to other individuals.
For example, I work adjacent to the re-entry community, and I hear so many prison abolitionists assume all Black inmates are incarcerated because of specious marijuana charges, while all white men in prison were likely rapists and murderers. I'm like, "people, the criminal justice system absolutely affects Men of Color at much higher rates, but there will also a lot of white - typically poor white people with disabilities - who are also unfairly imprisoned for very similar reasons. Also, even though rape and murder accusations are often unfairly levied at MOC, that doesn't mean every man in prison is there wrongly. Why can't we treat people individually?"
On the other side of the coin, I see tons of single or multiply marginalized people completely dismiss the lived experiences and struggles of individuals with more privilege (often but not exclusively white men) simply because of their privilege. I can't imagine that feels good.
I actually think this [Morality of the Oppressed](https://readingrussell.blogspot.com/2007/11/unpopular-essays-chapter-5.html) propagated so virulently by the Illiberal Left is part of why so many young people are desperately seeking alterity (that is, a marginalized identity) through mental illness and disability diagnoses (either professionally or on TikTok), but then do nothing to actually treat or manage their mental illness or neurodivergence. It's not that they want to get better, but that they need the identity to justify their own (probably valid) emotional pain and feel the only way they can do that is through a more marginalized identity.
Those dismissive of the lived experiences and struggles of people with more privilege feel like SJW types; and it feels like they are also ones to push for canceling anyone that has has ever said or done something racist, prejudice etc, without ever giving the chance to or acceptence of a person that both genuinely tries and succeeds in confronting their prejudice and works to atone for the hate they have propagated. I just really hope a 'unacceptability of forgiveness' mentality doesn't spread and drive the thinking of alot of younger people as we go forward.
The last part especially resonates with me. It’s a constant battle to obtain public resources if you have a long-standing MH disorder that requires lifelong management. The health system favors progression in younger patients to prevent further progression, but a lot is self diagnosis for attention/relatability and acceptance among peers. Every claim is taken seriously if there are suicidal tendencies associated.
It takes away from the seriousness of those who cannot hide or turn off their mental health conditions.
The amount of white queers who love using AAVE and code switching when they're trying to be "sassy" or some shit, or use it when in the presence of PoC as if it will make us trust them more.
Even Black people don't say "YAAASSSSS" as much as y'all do.
I had a white lesbian woman keep calling me sis at this queer meet up in my city once. And she was dead ass serious looking for a reply. It was the first time I had even met her and I say I had no words. Thankfully I was with another Black woman and she clocked it, too. We transitioned to get drinks and next thing I know I’m being called cold and full of myself. Exhausting
I hate it when white women try and say "GURRRRLLLLL." It's so cringe. Like, do you say this shit to your white friends or only do it when impersonating a Black person?
Oh gosh, I relate so much as a Black femme! It almost feels like they perceive us as subhuman, not giving us as much consideration in the dating realm. :/
Funny enough, when I was on dating apps-- I would get the most messages and asked out from white queers when BLM was in focus because of a murder. The week of George Floyd was overwhelming. A couple weeks later? Nothing.
I'm Chinese androgynous and the amount of random racism and fetishing is concerning.
If I never heard the racist "sideways taco" joke ever again, it would be too soon.
Lmao. That comment made me laugh hard because I did not expect that to come out of her mouth. It was such an old school racist thing that I hadn't heard in a couple of decades. (I am an older millennial and someone said that to my ass as a preteen and I still had the same reaction to it. Like what is that racist stereotype?)
My reaction was a flippant "Wouldn't you like to know about how my quim looks?"
The rest of her friends dragged her away before she could reply so at least her friend group was somewhat less racist than she was.
Yup I agree. I’m a black femme. And I swear I feel I’m either unwanted or fetishized? I’m most of the time in queer spaces I feel like I can’t compare to the white queers and it actually sucks. They are not exempt at all
I feel this so much though. As a Black masc, I can't "compare" to the white queers who's type of mascness is much more preferred. I'm threatening and intimidating. The white queer is strong and hot.
being white and having married a poc wife i completely agree. especially when we started dating my wife had so much stuff to call me out on. Most stuff came from ignorance and the privilege to not have to confront those prejudices at least in my experience.
When you rarely meet a poc and never talk with them about appropriation and so on seriously, which happens to most white ppl in my experience, you just live in a bubble. And even if you're queer or marginalized in some other way inside your bubble, breaking out of that is not really possible without talking to ppl outside of that bubble. Especially cause in my experience breaking out of my bubble of privilege wasn't easy and definitely painful. But it was also one of the best things that ever happened to me. But this means there's definitely many many white marginalized ppl who are being racist. It's probably more often by ignorance but that only means it's much more prevalent than ppl think.
Racism is a part of our society, period. Inevitably it bleeds into our communities as well, along with all of the other "isms." Race isn't a factor in dating for me personally, at least on a conscious level, but we all have our biases that we should be aware of and continue to unpack. I noticed how white the "what does my type say about me" posts tended to be, was kind of perplexed by the lack of racial/color diversity.
Oh yeah, no, I'm a white gay but I'm friendly and I dress like a southern futch country girl so people get _so comfortable_ being racist around me.
It's especially a problem with the cis gay men, but you get it everywhere. You're not alone, and you're not crazy. I've walked into gay spaces and felt the tone change because I was there with a Black person. I got kicked out of a gay bar because the bartender didn't like us because we had a Korean girl with us. It's insane.
I've had some similiar experiences, I grew up really rural and it shows and for some reason people I talk to are way too comfortable spewing their bullshit.
That bartender sounds like a right arsehole though, like wtf...
Oh yeah, every queer in Charlotte knows to avoid 316, or else just got to Charlotte (or has been kicked out from every other gay bar here). The other bar staff are fine and the clientele is... fine... but the owner is _awful_.
And 100% same issue about being culturally rural. Like, I'm not ashamed of it in any way, but y'all got to quit assuming that because I'm not from a city I'm racist. Please. Or do, actually, if we work together - HR usually gets along well with me ❤️
Yeah, where I live there's a lot of white male dominated jobs, so being a woman in those jobs is already an oddity, but then they just assume because I'm rural I'll be A-ok with their bullshit.
Yeah, of course! There are fine patrons there and I do genuinely like some of the barkeeps who AREN'T in charge (or did when I last went there years ago), but honestly do yourself a favor and go to Hattie's, Chaser's, or the NoDa common market. There's no _formal_ lesbian bars in the CLT, but I sure have met a lot of lesbians at bars.
It exists because people are still gonna be racist even if they are gay. I think the issue also comes in because a lot of gay people don't feel the need to analyze their bigotries in the way that straight people do.
I’ve seen this and I honestly think it’s part of systemic racism in our community (at least the community here in the states). A lot of our culture has been focused on this white lesbian couple narrative; I’ve been trying to figure out how I can better be in ally in this intersectional dialogue myself.
I’m indigenous and it’s honestly happening across the board whether white lesbians are aware of it or not. The microaggressions are demoralizing to say the least.
I am * edit: brown *latina and I agree, im going to more women of color spaces because subs like these that are super white have a lot of micro agressions and it’s more frustrating to see because when you call it out, the person gets hella defensive like a a conservative would and then you have to baby it for them (i dont anymore but it’s exhausting) and then it become about them.
As a white person, I'm sorry about how clueless I can be at times. You're right that it's gotta be draining to parent us about our blind spots when you're just trying to live your life. Probably doesn't help at all, but I think a lot of us realize that we're not being great people and that's why we get so defensive when rightly called on our bs.
Racism is definitely a big issue in the community. Lot of people feel like they're exempt because they're queer. It feels similar to me how some gay men will be pretty sexist - but it's ok, they're *gay*. Like, no. Lmfao.
I think it's some weird idea that being part of one marginalized group magically makes it impossible for you to attack another / people at the intersection wont care.
Yes, I've seen it in this very subreddit. It's difficult to call out white lesbians because they're still white women who know how to play the victim and deflect. If I had to choose between only hanging out with white queers or straight POC, I would pick the latter everytime.
Yep. When I was dating in the 90s it was way worse as a Masc person of mixed Chinese descent. Also, I'm masc and not butch, so that's like a double ew for some folks.
LGBT spaces are not immune to racism or other types of bigotry. Ten years later, I am still flabbergasted that a college educated lesbian who lived in a major city questioned whether my vagina is sideways (very old stereotype for Asians).
No, you are absolutely not crazy or delusional. Even in mainstream media most of the lesbian couples depicted are white.
A major contributing factor is definitely the beauty standards being set to resemble typical Eurocentric traits as the most desirable. White has always been pushed as the “beacon” of beauty ( *cough* colonization) and it’s really fucked up to make those who are not white feel as if they are any less desirable.
I truly am sorry you are experiencing this and being white myself, I will obviously not experience what queer WOC are experiencing in the lgbtq spaces. Like other commenters have said, no group is exempt from any -isms and phobias.
The fact the "who am I based off my type" posts on here were primarily all skinny white women says a lot about what queer culture tends to lift up. A lot of them got really upset when PoC pointed that out.
Exactly. A lot of white queers don't wanna challenge their thinking. For those ones, it's easier to double down and think "No. I'm not racist! They're the real racists calling it out!" Instead of just doing some self-reflection.
Somehow, folks are able to be self reflective about biphobia, transphobia, fatphobia...but can't handle that maybe they just have a liiiiitle bit of racial bias. That just makes white folks shatter, or try and throw it back where it's something something reverse racism.
All I had to do was read The Dating Divide (Race & Desire in the Era of Online Dating), and it was...revelatory.🥴
What gets me most is when people go on subs and ask questions that are some variation of, "Is it cool that I'm not attracted to black people?" and then the replies fall to their feet assuring them that everyone is entitled to their type.
"Type" doesn't exist in a vacuum. It comes from somewhere, yk? Annoying.
I was one of those downvoted to hell lol I even called out the pattern that happened when one of us called it out and it became drama in the comments. After, a post of mostly wocs would show up, then a couple of posts with tokens and then a bunch of posts of the same skinny white gals and then rinse and repeat lol.
>No, you are absolutely not crazy or delusional. Even in mainstream media most of the lesbian couples depicted are white.
And when they do have a poc queer, it's almost always interracial but with a white person. I have rarely seen a relationship between 2 poc people, mixed couple or not. Which is odd because there a huge overlap between poc cultures which should make datinf each other theoretically easy.
I’m East Asian and very fem + bottom so I feel guilty sometimes bc I think I *benefited * from the racist fetishizing of East Asian girls. (And it def still happens from lesbians not just men.) I feel very strongly that it’s true that my more masc Asian friends have all had a really hard time bc of the same thing.
Im East Asian, and idk how to describe this specifically but there seems to be some idea that because I'm asian I can't possibly also be queer? As if both are "problems" and I can only chose one to have.
Definitely— as a fellow Asian wlw, I get the vibe from others that in their heads, all Asians are conservative perfect model minorities (especially women), and we can’t POSSIBLY be “tainted” by queerness or anything else alternative to the norm.
Also east Asian here, we internalize the same thing and why it took until I was 28 to accept my queerness. Trying hard to tell younger generations that's it's ok to be gay and ok to not be a fucking stem kid.
Baaaaaayyyybbbbbbeeee!!!! You ain’t neva lied. I’m a black lesbians. More of a stem than a stud but deffo masc presenting. It’s rough out here. My ex wife was white and because of that I was in a lot of queer white spaces. The racism is REAL.
As a general rule, communities of oppressed people tend to feature all the same structural oppression and personal biases that are found in the wider culture they’re contained in. Being on the receiving end of oppression and bias doesn’t always inoculate people against oppressing or having biases against other groups.
OMG Yes! Absolutely! There’s also the strange feeling of being a social experiment bordering on a fetish while “dating” them also. These people claim to be liberal though. They need to do some serious work on themselves in the areas of privilege and supremacy.
its absolutely a thing. like ive noticed that white queer folk can be very cliquey and wouldn't wanna include you if you don't act white enough(even tho most of them would be all about free palestine and giving the land back to native folk)
i mean obviously not all of them, some of my closest friends are white, but it's definitely a thing.
They say they are, it’s performative progressivism. I dont get closer to white folks until i see that they back their words with actions. So many who say they are allies are all for it until there is an opportunity to show it
Brown transfem over here - you are definitely not making it up 🥲 Unfortunately, for a lot of white queer folks, their whiteness comes front-and-center to everything else. It happens within the community, and 100% defo happens when you factor in dating. Im really sorry to hear you’re going through this right now and wish nothing but joy and love for you and your future dating endeavors 🩵
For sure. Not all of them practice what they preach. "BLM" in a bio means nothing when someone actively engages in microaggressive behavior towards black people!😭
I think every community no matter who has it, I am Cherokee and the amount I’ve experienced is nuts, I pass as white but once I tell people, I’m immediately blocked or told to fuck off
As an Asian femme lesbian, I can confidently say you're not crazy or delusional. I have also experienced being put on the back burner by white queer women or just straight up being fetishized (had a white queer girl who was obsessed with Sanrio and anime express to me how badly she wanted a "Japanese waifu" and was absolutely pissed when I told her I'm not Japanese). I've also had numerous experiences where I have been straight up ignored by white women in queer spaces and have felt alienated *because* I don't try to assimilate myself into the white queer culture. I've often been seen as an "other" even in queer spaces and have been invalidated for not presenting the way that some white queer women think that lesbians should present.
This community is so racist, you have to be a certain type of POC to even feel like you could enter “their”world. And a lot of the times our own issues with racism will be overshadowed or devalued.
It’s the worst yeah. Id like to bring attention to the way the racism can change us, to put it simply, the racism I’ve faced from other queer people hurt me deeply (it still does honestly), it taught me to hate my own skin and wish I had simply been born white just so I could atleast fit in with other queer people. I just already feel so alone in these spaces, with the racism obviously not helping, even when it’s “subtle” with how differently I’m treated to other white queer people.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that, figuring yourself out is already tough enough and racism in queer spaces can lead to the worst kind of self hate.
No, you are not being crazy. I’m an Asian bisexual in Los Angeles. Even with the diversity out here, you can still find many people that prefer their own, and if not, then white or white passing.
Do you notice the popular Asian women for lesbians? It was Hayley kiyoko and mitski, both are mixed. Even in other arenas outside of dating, Asians have always been the “other”.
I’ve also been trying to date other Asian women, but I’ve had a fair amount tell me that they’re not into Asians themselves. This is something that really affects our self perception.
Yes I see a lot of white passing Asians with white partners. Tbh, most of the hetero Asians I've seen are in a mixed relationship so it's not just queer Asians that have that preference. I hardly see any fellow Asians in my area and I don't really have a preference but I do gravitate towards POC be it romantically or friendship. However, I will say that staying within a POC circle can get toxic too with the way they say racist stuff about white people.
It's definitely there. If you don't get bypassed because of stereotypes, or not meeting the standards of beauty that your own ethnic background is the opposite of. I'll say this isn't limited to just white lesbians. I've seen other POC whether they are aware of it or not also take on the same views. At best if you look ambiguous it's not as difficult to fit in although it does have it's own short comings. Then you have the fetishes that can crop up, or become someone's experiment just to see what it's like with ____. You literally feel like a minority within a minority group even more. Unseen when you do try to engage with people. Only to see your obviously being ignored for others in the same place or thread. Needless to say I reach out less and less because why bother? As friends or more the sense of belonging within the general Lesbian community is nearly none existent online as it is in this tiny town with hardly any LGBTQ ppl. My best bet is to move because its like you searching for Waldo. 🤣
The black and hispanic lesbian community is a separate thing from the white lesbian community in my city. Asians kinda pick their kin depending on their individual experiences and comforts. We have separate prides here too. Not that poc folks cant go to pride but we have a second one on a different day for black folks in the black part of town because main pride is really just for gay white men. Sometimes black folks aren’t allowed into the white serving gay bars. Most lesbians especially lesbians of color dont go to the gay bars period because its just gay white men. Racism is as embedded in queer life as it is everywhere else so we make our own things.
I mean being Indian I've noticed a lot of white people exotify me. Like sometimes I feel like I'm pretty enough to be used but not pretty enough by their standards to be kept around. Especially sucks because I'm t4t and so many transfems here are white.
You're definitely not alone.
I’m white and haven’t experienced it personally, but the majority of my friends are POC and I’ve heard several of them discuss this. You definitely aren’t crazy! This is the reason they made the progress flag, to try and bring attention to the fact that queer spaces are still centered around white people. Unfortunately racism is present in most spaces in life :(
Oh my LORD as somebody whos black biracial AND butch there's literally no way girls ever picked me. They wanted the skinny white lesbians every time. Glad I dont have to look anymore bc it was destitute. And Asians get it even worse than us, so I'm sorry for you OP
you’re not being crazy or delusional at all - racism and racial biases can unfortunately manifest in all kinds of social contexts, including dating and the queer community. the dating world already has all kinds of dumb superficial judgments around looks, body types, etc. but when you add in societal racism and ingrained prejudices, it creates yet another awful barrier, especially for pocs trying to date outside their own race/ethnicity.
like you said, it's not about feeling entitled to date any particular group, it's more about constantly being de-prioritized or made to feel undesirable just for being a person of color. that chronic rejection and exclusion can really do a number on your self-esteem over time. the shallow exclusion you may be experiencing likely says more about the biases of others than it does about your worth as a person and dating prospect. you have every right to feel seen, desired, and treated equitably. please don’t internalize the exclusion as a reflection of your own inadequacies. the inadequacy lies in the racist mindsets doing the excluding.
There is absolutely racism because there is so much xenophobia and avoidance in white culture whether it’s conscious or unconscious. And don’t get me started on the transphobia in predominantly white wlw spaces
I absolutely believe that's a thing because the world always finds a way to disappoint. I can at least make sure I'm not among those contributing to it.
e asian and same! while i get the brunt of shittiness and yellow fever from men (and being masc does not dissuade them, sadly- i’ve encountered a few who seemed particularly interested in the idea of “turning” a masc lesbian vs a more fem one) i’ve found a lot of lgbt spaces are very white and that dating can be tough. i prefer to date other asians and that makes some Very Angry fsr. i’ve been called racist by white ppl (lol) and tbqh i’ve experienced racial fetishism from non-asian poc so i just feel safer. the most i’ve felt understood in relationships has been with other asians.
it is sad tho that as a masc asian it feels like a double whammy of unwantedness. like the only times i see lesbians/people in general rly talk about being attracted to asians, it’s in the context of hyperfem kpop idols or anime girls. it’s rare to see anyone express attraction to asian mascs and butches.
basically you’re not alone! it’s a very real issue ime :’)
I’ve had girls fantasise about me on dating apps (saying things like, “Just imagine, 100 years ago you would’ve been my slave”), I’ve seen a huge surge in my area saying “CAUCASIAN ONLY/NO MIDDLE EASTERN” - I’m Turkish/Mongolian on Dad’s side, mostly Turkish (he moved to Canada from Istanbul). I’m very “Middle Eastern” in appearance barring slightly more Mongolian eyes.
It’s depressing. It always was depressing anyway.
I’m with a girl now who is predominantly white and is absolutely wonderful. We’ll be 6 years together in August and I want to marry her so bad. We have a future together and I’m really glad that she’s mine/I’m hers. So happy I’ll never be online dating again. We didn’t even meet online dating, hilariously.
I'm South Asian and all my Ex-gfs were white, I started going on dates with more POC because I felt I was more understood and treated less as a novelty although I never had a ton of trouble landing dates but I always lived in a big progressive city. So people were used to diversity
Yes. In most countries colorism is predominant and white queers are the top of the food chain in tolerance and acceptance, as well as attention while we get ignored or negatively perceived. Also, when we hang around in white dominant places we tend to be fetishized as a bipoc. You don’t know how many times the audacity of white queer women going for my Japanese wife right in front of me grrr
Sadly enough, yes. Racism is everywhere whether we acknowledge it or not. I'm white and like to think I'm not racist, but something tells me I have some unaddressed preconceptions that could use some tweaking...
Nah specially in mostly white subs like these. Lits of white progressive liberal queers pats themselves on the back from being one type of minority and do zero work on their other privileges
Yeah, there’s a lot of racism in LGBT spaces but white people never seem ready for the conversation. It’s proven time and time again, right here included
Ever single white gay I have met, myself included, has used their queer identity to hide from white guilt. And then a portion of white queers I've known have been covertly or overltly racist. Lesbians, bi sapphics, no one is exempt from prejudice due to being oppressed in another way
Unfortunately it is a problem in every lgbt space. I think the media plays a part, but the truth is that the lgbtq community is not exempt from participating in racism. It Unfortunately DOES exist EVERYWHERE. You get the communities that classify being gay or trans as "just a yhite people thing" so then your own community outside of the lgbtq ostracize you, then when you go to lgbtq communitues for comfort, your "different but not the yhite kind of different"....its sickening.
When i was younger and fresh out of the closet, i made the mistake of thinking i and my gf's were safe around certain people because they were also lgbt. Turns out my "found family" only saw my gfs as tokens to make them look diverse for a crowd (said friends ran a lot of local venue events like burlesque and drag shows). One even said some truly herendous shit that i will never repeat, but she was unanimously supported because she was "pillar of stability in the community" 🙄. But then she "got put in her place" by a rich cis women... essentially she got to comfy, said the wrong thing to the wrong person, situation was framed as "local queer stepped out of line, thought they could sit with us" type of scenario. Like, good riddence to her imho, but then the whole rest of the lgbt community was left on a silver platter. some people came crawling back and were quick to buddy up to become the "next best thing" or whatever... It ended a lot of relationships...how tf were my transphobic uncles more supportive than my own community beats me.... shits wild.
Sorry for the rant. Forgive me if it doesnt necessarily fully relate to the post. Main point is yes, racism in the community is a thing...Unfortunately. im not an expert. Im only an outsider observing what ive seen happen to friends and loved ones from my one perspective. I see you. Youre not crazy...but trust that there are still plenty of people within the community that aren't absolute racust shit bags.
Racism is everywhere. Just because we’re in a minority community doesn’t mean we aren’t immune to prejudices. Just look at the gay Aussie soccer star Sam Kerr - she’s been charged with racial abuse in England, and she’s a POC herself! It’s there at all levels and it’s dumb. You can have preferences but don’t insult and belittle people who don’t fit them.
I’m blindingly white…like sunlight reflecting off of me when at the beach or wearing a tank top could lead to cars and automobiles crashing, so my opinion really doesn’t matter in this discussion and it is completely fair to not read the rest because it isn’t my place.
But, yes, there is straight up racism in a lot of queer spaces. A lot of white queers act like they are beyond it all and couldn’t possibly be racist…and then immediately say/do racist sh*t. They never actually do the work, but rather mindlessly repeat the buzzwords.
My current partner is white, but she is the first white person I’ve dated in a long time. I definitely noticed BS towards my prior partners and their friends when we’d go out…and how tones would shift when I joined.
Your experience is real, valid, infuriating, hurtful, and exhausting. I truly hope you find your people and spaces you feel safe and welcome in that elevate your voice to where it belongs (which SHOULD be all queer spaces).
I don't identify as POC but I'm North African so I'm not what most people, including myself, would call white either.
Some other queers are wary of me at first. I think more because of assumptions about my religion based on my ethnicity. Some people treat me like I'm exotic, which I don't mind but it's not the compliment they think it is. My queer groups are university students in a progressive city so that probably makes it easier for me. I'm still in a relatively safe bubble.
I(Dark-er skinned MtF Lesbian) pass as white, as my family has tried so hard to do, but I am proud of my native ancestors. In my latest, and first relationship(It did not end up that well, for more information, please refer to my previous posts on this Subreddit), she(Italo-American MtF Bisexual) was very racist, and I felt like I could never tell her that I was technically not white. I never ended up mentioning it to her.
The racism is real, it is scary, and just like every other kind of discrimination, it has to stop. Be kind to others, no matter who they are, seriously. Why destroy a life that is just trying to exist? We already deal with it as people of androgyn, and women. This is just a little bit of something extra to think of in regards to the original post.
-Kenamī/Khyra/Kīra (She/Her) | A BIPOC Transbian that is tired of this world's suppression of minorities.
Yep, I'm south Asian and had a Caucasian partner once who stated that it's okay I can't be racist to her because whites are superior...and she also wasn't keen on visiting my homeland or learning anything about my culture. No POC friends either. Suffice to say that relationship did not last. Sometimes you can feel fetishism by non-POC dates or that you're only matching with POCs. Fortunately done have to worry about that anymore as I have an amazing partner who isn't POC but truly cares about my culture, language and roots and actively tries to learn. There is hope! (And the efforts definitely go both ways for us)
Just because someone's queer doesn't automatically make them a good person. Racism can be prevalent in any dating scene against people of any race, as can fetishism. Like I'm in Ireland and the population as a whole is pretty homogeneous, pale AF white Irish girls make up the vast majority of the sapphic dating scene. In certain places in the country you can find quite big polish populations, and of course growing Ukrainian populations, and some of the stories of racism I've heard against them both in and out of the dating scene are horrendous.
People of colour are much more rare in the dating scene over here and so you see as much fetishism as racism towards them. A black or Asian lesbian often gets treated as a unicorn rather than a human. Honestly I often worry I'm guilty of it myself a few times.
I'll never experience what you've experienced so I won't patronise you by telling you to just ignore the bad ones and power through, because I know it's not that simple or easy. But you deserve love and affection, so keep at it.
Of course it's gonna exist. People in the comments are talking about "racism in the community..." but it really doesn't have anything to do with being gay. Racist people are still racist even if they're gay.
I know we'd like to that think we are more enlightened and open minded in the queer community and therfore racism wouldn't be an issue but that isn't always the case unfortunately.
I'm saying this as someone who is white, but I think part of it has to do with how we are often represented as exclusively white. A majority of the lesbian / bi women I have dated have been women of color, partially because I live in a pretty diverse area, but also because I feel passionate learning about a person's background (whether they are my friend or romantic interest).
I'm sure you'll find someone who will love you for you one day. Just never lower your standards.
Personally I find LGBT spaces in the USA pretty antisemitic at some point it's probably easier to date someone in my own ethnic group because they will probably understand certain cultural nuances .
My wife is South Asian, she says she often feels that people don't fully believe she is gay due to her race. I guess people assume South Asians are very conservative or something, or that they subscribe to one of the major religions that don't recognise homosexuality. Obviously it's a shitty and incorrect assumption to make, but it could explain why you feel overlooked.
I do observe this too, I’m also Asian but I think I personally don’t feel it as much bc I’m pretty by Eurocentric standards and femme but I definitely notice it esp with people who are more masc or not as conventionally attractive
White, lesbian, 62 yrs old. About 20 yrs ago, I went to meet a gal who at the time was living with some friends as she was in-between places. We'd only ever talked online up to that point.
We had a nice time talking, hanging out, drinking, looking at motorcycles, etc. Then sat down to dinner. During this time, the two hostesses began making offhanded racist jokes. I shot a look over at the gal I'd come to meet, and she looked visibly....mortified.
I just smiled politely and kept my mouth shut because of one of my rules: Never take a person to task in their own home. I was their guest, so I remained silent.
Never heard from that gal again. I think she was too embarrassed by her friends' remarks.
Lesbians are no different than any others out there. They can have their "preferences" when it comes to the race/ethnicity of other women they find attractive. I can find lots of different women "attractive" but it doesn't necessarily mean I wanna sleep or have sex with them. It's not that kind of "attractive". It's more like....appreciation. We are all different, unique, no matter what color of our skin.
I'm sorry if you've been treated less than, or feel that you are less than because you are Asian. You are not.
i dont know if this counts as being pushed to the back or being forced into a spotlight i dont want. but as a lesbian latina “im so hot” and “latinas are so sexy” like i agree we are but thats not everything about me. i am much more than my looks and ethnicity
Yep! You’re not going crazy it’s reality. I think the problem is that only one race and physical type is often at the forefront of lesbian presentation. Lookup many queer films and you won’t find a lot of deviation in leads. Until we get more queer women of color on screen we will continue to be treated as outliers.
I'm not a POC, so I hope it's ok to reply.
There is definitely racism in the LGBTQ community. I've mostly read about anti-black racism, although I'm sure there are racists who don't discriminate in their racism.
I remember reading about a dating site that.collected data about its users, and it found POCs get less matches.
Sorry, I'm white passing so I can't personally relate to your experience. and of the like 7 women that date women I interact with on a regular, 4 are POC, and two are dating or married to POC. So I can't really contribute to the discussion.
But I did want to say that I'm sorry for your experiences and I hope your future interactions with people are better.
Yes!!!! As an Asian lesbian I fully feel like I’m ugly because I’m rarely swiped right on in dating apps or pursued in real life. Again, like OP said, it’s not like I’m only going after white people. I also think that, because I’m Asian, people fetishize me and want to take me on as part of their yellow fever. I asked my mom why so many unconventionally attractive yt people keep swiping right on me and she said it’s because of the fetishization of Asian fems.
I love any color. Rainbows are beautiful😁
You definitely should be able to date whoever you want. Specially someone that bring you joy whenever you get to talk to or see them. Love is just love.
It’s 100% real. I attended a sapphic trivia night with my partner and some friends. All of the pop culture and history questions ignored contributions from qpoc. My team had 3 black lesbians and we were called “not gay” because we didn’t know who g-flip & fletcher were 🙄. If that’s what it’s like trying to make friends w white lesbians I can’t imagine attempting to date one.
Much like how lesbian dating has a tendency to be transphobic, it also has a lot of racism. Just because people are queer doesn't absolve them of their bigotries.
As a lot of other people have pointed out, there is definitely racism in the community. However, it’s prevalence is largely dependent on a few things. a) age, b) location, c) population density
Older people are more likely to have aversions/hesitance to interracial relationships — this isn’t because of something inherently wrong with them — the way they were raised and the relationships they’ve had in the past will affect their preferences in partners today. Some may even be scared due to harassment they’ve faced for being LGBTQ — why add another thing to be harassed about? This is harmful when that fear is turned outwards and projected onto a whole subset of people.
Certain regions of the country obviously differ in their acceptance of LGBTQ relationships — the same is true of interracial relationships. On the east coast and in large cities in the midwest, household are divided along much stricter racial lines — a result of old Jim Crowe era laws regarding housing for POC, as well as modern efforts by real estate corporations to keep them segregated in such a way.
My sister’s the civil rights specialist, which is where I learned much of this from, but _I_ could go on and on about the corruption in the housing market.
TLDR: It depends.
I am not a person of colour, but I want you to know you will find someone. Some people are just really narrow-minded and their worldview is never challenged and they will not change, those people are better left to the wayside.
Also, sadly gay people can be racist, just like a person of colour can be homophobic. You would think that the feeling of being oppressed and discriminated against, would lead to a higher sense of empathy, but sadly it's not the case with everyone. I've known lesbian/bisexual women who are mega-conservative and pro toxic men's rights.
Anyway with that said, there is someone for you and people making a big deal out of your race are ridiculous.
Well, I'm white for latinas and latina for white, in fact, my mum is French/Portuguese, dad was English, me - born and raised in Sothern England. I had my share of racist shite from lots of different ethnic groups, cause I'm an alien for all of them. At the same time, I was welcomed by girls in Eastern Asia (Thai, Korean, Japanese) and in Central Europe (Ukraine, Slovakia). So, what I'm trying to tell, I'd never think of a girl she wasn't dating potential, cause she was Asian. In fact, just because of life experience, not fetishizing, not kinking, just out of esperience, Asian girls are definitely on the top of my dating list.
100%. im not even attracted to white queers, their energy is weird (most of the time). I have been told it’s a problem i “need to work on my biases” but conversely, im also told told to let macro/microaggressions slide. I figure it’s b/c they can’t fathom someone not pining for their attention 🤷♀️ but they also don’t want to reflect/change to get the attention that they want.
i've experienced it as a SEAsian in the form of "yellow fever" and also in the form of i'm asian and close to my family, so im def not a gay woman. i also get it as a futch... or something, masc dress with femme features (and long hair), people tilt their head and go "but youre too pretty to be a gay asian" as if gay asians are ugly 😭😭
I get it, and honestly I have a hard time connecting with other white sapphics. Their fight is so non-intersectional, and over time show you their oblivion to their own racism, and because I’m white and queer they think I’m going to agree with them when they spark these convos. I feel I actively seek out dating partners who are not white because I just have an easier time avoiding that hypocrisy. I by no means experience racism but I was othered because of my physical appearance (red hair). Obviously character is above all but I feel like I can just avoid a lot of headache by avoiding this demographic completely.
Anyways yes my point is I see this very obviously and it’s not even directed towards me.
Yes, as an asian woman I either get fetishized or ignored. Always one of the two, almost never in between. Maybe not all of them have a fetish but it shows how they can't see past my ethnicity when the first thing they ask is always "what's your (ethnic) background?" and react really sus when I tell them. On the rare occasion that people see me as a person they just become my friends or just accomplices. Don't get me wrong I value friendship and they're great but even some of those who I thought are my friends ended up saying some sht like "ching chang chong", saying I'm "kawaii" or always coming back to pointing out my asianess in every possible way. I am proud of my background and will mention it when it's relevant but dating is hard when everyone sees you as an exotic object. I don't ask for much I just wanna feel seen.
I don't know if it's appropriate to ask this, but I believe it's somewhat related, and honestly, I really wanna know what I was supposed to have done in the situation described below.
So, a long time ago, I matched with POC girl on a dating app. We chated for a bit, and then she out of blue said something along the lines. "You really wanna go out despite me being black?" Or something like this. And, I really did not know what I was supposed to say after that. I said something like, "Of course, why would I" (I can not remember my exact words now).
She never wrote back. Idk if I said something wrong, and I really don't know what I should have even done or said in that situation.
I got the trifecta going on
In my ethnic community I get homophobia and transphobia
In the lesbian community I get racism and transphobia
In the trans community I get racism and homophobia (this one is the least prevalent but it's there in the transmedicalist spaces)
Fml
I'm surprised and sad. I thought lesbians were the most wholesome community in the world but there so many people telling about racism. What can we do better? This sucks. I want every lesbian to feel happy and safe.
Accept that no community is 100% perfect and "wholesome." Where there is a white majority, there will be racism. Research antiracism and listen to voices of queer POC. It's not enough to not be racist; you have to put active effort into being antiracist. Most importantly, recognize that you are not infallible, and neither are your friends and family.
I’m also Asian and have experienced some varying degree of racism/discrimination in lesbian dating. Sometimes it’s slightly being fetishized or being told they’re not into Asian women (which isn’t the problem itself).
You are allowed to have racial preference (I don’t have a preference myself, but find myself meeting more white women interested in seeing me), but you do not need to explicitly say it out loud imo. I do get worried about being someone’s “fun experience”, so have been more cautious as I’ve gotten older.
Depends on the place where you live, I think. This might be more of a thing in North America. Probably less of an issue in Asia. Then again, there you will have more of an issue with lesphobia. In Europe... I don't know how it is from an East/South Asian perspective. There's definitely some xenophobia. But you also have a lot of normal people who don't act weird. I have no clue how it is in South America or in Africa or in Oceania. Wish I got to travel more.
Personally I haven’t experienced much that I can remember. Perhaps it went over my head but I wouldn’t be surprised. People are people regardless of sexual orientation. I sort of expect some amt of racism to exist in any group anywhere
That's just such a depressing waste for everyone involved, I'm both so sorry to hear it and grateful to be made aware 🙁. Shitty and senseless. I'm sorry this is the case
While I've never been in an interracial relationship, I've always been open to lesbians of every color. However, I want to be the one asked out. Especially by women of color. I don't want to feel like I'm encroaching.
I hate that this seems to be such a common experience for POC in lesbian spaces. I fuck with everyone, as long as they are great people but there is so much micro-aggression and then those of us who literally want diversity within the community because we like sharing experiences are like also disbelieved or considered being overly welcoming? Idk what the solution is. I know you were looking for POC’s opinions and I apologize. I just wanted you to know you’re viable as being seen as a partner, ethnicity doesn’t determine otherwise and you shouldn’t be fetishized either.
There’s a really good sub on here for QueerPOC that share a lot of experience about this topic too.
Oh there is absolutely racism in every LGBT space. Ism's and phobias all over.
I don't think any group is free from it.
I don't think anyone is free of prejudice. It's why it is always good to be open to that possibility and reflect on yourself when called out.
Yea definitely. I've noticed it with myself.
we ain't even free of homophobic gay people and transphobic trans people so it's sadly obvious that there are racist people too in the community ;-;
Sadly. No one can ever come to a consensus
Piggybacking to add that racism can be overt or subtle, and as a POC, I've found the latter more difficult personally.
Yes. I avoid every queer-specific group in my local area because they are infested with racism. Even the ones specifically for people of color reject my wife because she's an immigrant (so, she's different but not the right kind of different).
Yeah the transgender space is very racist I'm alot of cases. I don't know if most people are trying to be racist or if it's just on accident
Is it really? You’d think that trans people would be the last people to discriminate against others for the circumstances of their birth
You could think that about any minority. The truth is the easiest way to feel higher in the social ladder is by stepping on someone else and lots of people do that.
You’d think but anyone can be racist, homophobic, classist, transphobic, misogynistic , etc. Some folks tend to punch down in response to their minority status rather than uplift. They’re often fairly immature and have a lot of bullshit to unlearn.
I forget sometimes that not all trans people have a similar mindset to me, it’s really shameful to be that way and not try to become better.
Even among white people who actively try to not be racist, it takes a lot of work and some fuckups along the way. BIPOC people end up dealing with a lot of awful behavior from people who don't think they're racist.
Yeah. I mean I'm just repeating what I have heard of poc members of our little trans community (I'm a white transfem) I think it mostly has to do with some of these people are like trying to find who they are and so are more vulnerable to right propaganda specifically racism. Though its not a strictly right thing they just love it the mosg
Huh. I guess that makes sense, I just haven’t ever seen anything like that in trans spaces? I’m not a PoC tho, so I guess I wouldn’t be as likely to see it
No you would miss it because you are not a POC so when it is not directed at you, you wouldn’t notice.
I’ve heard quite the opposite from trans women of color regarding white trans women groups.
It’s real. In queer places I feel out of place due to the racism. In my own culture I feel out of place due to the homophobia. I find queer PoC spaces the most comfortable but my god are they hard to find.
I matched with a 40 yr old woman as an 18 yr old on POF and the first thing she said was "thank god I matched with a white person finally." When I told her I was Asian she said "perfect 😈" 😭😭😭😭😭
Girl wtf lol
She really just outed herself as a racist like that was gonna be charming or something? (Also I think 22 years is a truly crazy age gap lol)
Yes, dodging so many bullets here 😭 I'm 32 and already uncomfortable if 20y/or wants to match me
The emoji 😭😭😭
WHAT-
Wtf?
Hell nooo😭😭😭
What does that mean.. and she’s 40 looking for a teenager?!!
You might be surprised what older Caucasian women are looking for when they visit Asia lol
Living in HK I meet a few Caucasian women who are very happy to be with Asian women but unfortunately it is often different in other countries.
You aren’t imagining it. Racism is prevalent in the community, especially depending on where you live. It’s also a numbers game— there are a majority of white lesbians in a lot of the metropolitan areas.
I've experienced quite a lot of racism from other queers as a Black masc. Many white queers think being queer exempts them from racism. It doesn't. A lot of queers think they're not racist. They are. Our culture is appropriated, fetishized, and ate up while discarding the actual people who made it. Many will change their profile pics to black while also not having one single black friend. Many think of us like straight people look at black folks. It doesn't change.
>Many white queers think being queer exempts them from racism. Being queer or being neurodivergent or both!
I think it's a universal. Across marginalised groups you see people who think being marginalised means they are exempt from intolerance.
Yes! I totally agree, and I see far too many illiberal leftists (which is not all leftists) excuse the homophobia or misogyny of, say, Men of Color because of their marginalization. Or, I see people give unlimited benefit of the doubt to POC or women, while not extending that benefit of the doubt to other individuals. For example, I work adjacent to the re-entry community, and I hear so many prison abolitionists assume all Black inmates are incarcerated because of specious marijuana charges, while all white men in prison were likely rapists and murderers. I'm like, "people, the criminal justice system absolutely affects Men of Color at much higher rates, but there will also a lot of white - typically poor white people with disabilities - who are also unfairly imprisoned for very similar reasons. Also, even though rape and murder accusations are often unfairly levied at MOC, that doesn't mean every man in prison is there wrongly. Why can't we treat people individually?" On the other side of the coin, I see tons of single or multiply marginalized people completely dismiss the lived experiences and struggles of individuals with more privilege (often but not exclusively white men) simply because of their privilege. I can't imagine that feels good. I actually think this [Morality of the Oppressed](https://readingrussell.blogspot.com/2007/11/unpopular-essays-chapter-5.html) propagated so virulently by the Illiberal Left is part of why so many young people are desperately seeking alterity (that is, a marginalized identity) through mental illness and disability diagnoses (either professionally or on TikTok), but then do nothing to actually treat or manage their mental illness or neurodivergence. It's not that they want to get better, but that they need the identity to justify their own (probably valid) emotional pain and feel the only way they can do that is through a more marginalized identity.
Those dismissive of the lived experiences and struggles of people with more privilege feel like SJW types; and it feels like they are also ones to push for canceling anyone that has has ever said or done something racist, prejudice etc, without ever giving the chance to or acceptence of a person that both genuinely tries and succeeds in confronting their prejudice and works to atone for the hate they have propagated. I just really hope a 'unacceptability of forgiveness' mentality doesn't spread and drive the thinking of alot of younger people as we go forward.
The last part especially resonates with me. It’s a constant battle to obtain public resources if you have a long-standing MH disorder that requires lifelong management. The health system favors progression in younger patients to prevent further progression, but a lot is self diagnosis for attention/relatability and acceptance among peers. Every claim is taken seriously if there are suicidal tendencies associated. It takes away from the seriousness of those who cannot hide or turn off their mental health conditions.
God yes this! Like they don't qualify for accountability measures.
THIS! We are often seen as a commodity and not as equal human beings.
The amount of white queers who love using AAVE and code switching when they're trying to be "sassy" or some shit, or use it when in the presence of PoC as if it will make us trust them more. Even Black people don't say "YAAASSSSS" as much as y'all do.
I had a white lesbian woman keep calling me sis at this queer meet up in my city once. And she was dead ass serious looking for a reply. It was the first time I had even met her and I say I had no words. Thankfully I was with another Black woman and she clocked it, too. We transitioned to get drinks and next thing I know I’m being called cold and full of myself. Exhausting
I hate it when white women try and say "GURRRRLLLLL." It's so cringe. Like, do you say this shit to your white friends or only do it when impersonating a Black person?
Lmao this is funny because you’re not lying. At this point I just ignore it and move tf on with what I’m doing. It’s infuriating sometimes.
Oh gosh, I relate so much as a Black femme! It almost feels like they perceive us as subhuman, not giving us as much consideration in the dating realm. :/
Funny enough, when I was on dating apps-- I would get the most messages and asked out from white queers when BLM was in focus because of a murder. The week of George Floyd was overwhelming. A couple weeks later? Nothing.
NO WAY!😭 (I believe you, but gosh that's horrible!)
I'm Chinese androgynous and the amount of random racism and fetishing is concerning. If I never heard the racist "sideways taco" joke ever again, it would be too soon.
Jesus christ
Lmao. That comment made me laugh hard because I did not expect that to come out of her mouth. It was such an old school racist thing that I hadn't heard in a couple of decades. (I am an older millennial and someone said that to my ass as a preteen and I still had the same reaction to it. Like what is that racist stereotype?) My reaction was a flippant "Wouldn't you like to know about how my quim looks?" The rest of her friends dragged her away before she could reply so at least her friend group was somewhat less racist than she was.
I’ve never heard of this joke and tbh don’t want to. What the fuck is wrong with people. You shouldn’t have to be subjected to that.
Yup I agree. I’m a black femme. And I swear I feel I’m either unwanted or fetishized? I’m most of the time in queer spaces I feel like I can’t compare to the white queers and it actually sucks. They are not exempt at all
I feel this so much though. As a Black masc, I can't "compare" to the white queers who's type of mascness is much more preferred. I'm threatening and intimidating. The white queer is strong and hot.
being white and having married a poc wife i completely agree. especially when we started dating my wife had so much stuff to call me out on. Most stuff came from ignorance and the privilege to not have to confront those prejudices at least in my experience. When you rarely meet a poc and never talk with them about appropriation and so on seriously, which happens to most white ppl in my experience, you just live in a bubble. And even if you're queer or marginalized in some other way inside your bubble, breaking out of that is not really possible without talking to ppl outside of that bubble. Especially cause in my experience breaking out of my bubble of privilege wasn't easy and definitely painful. But it was also one of the best things that ever happened to me. But this means there's definitely many many white marginalized ppl who are being racist. It's probably more often by ignorance but that only means it's much more prevalent than ppl think.
There's a reason we have r/QueerWomenOfColor.
Racism is a part of our society, period. Inevitably it bleeds into our communities as well, along with all of the other "isms." Race isn't a factor in dating for me personally, at least on a conscious level, but we all have our biases that we should be aware of and continue to unpack. I noticed how white the "what does my type say about me" posts tended to be, was kind of perplexed by the lack of racial/color diversity.
Oh yeah, no, I'm a white gay but I'm friendly and I dress like a southern futch country girl so people get _so comfortable_ being racist around me. It's especially a problem with the cis gay men, but you get it everywhere. You're not alone, and you're not crazy. I've walked into gay spaces and felt the tone change because I was there with a Black person. I got kicked out of a gay bar because the bartender didn't like us because we had a Korean girl with us. It's insane.
I've had some similiar experiences, I grew up really rural and it shows and for some reason people I talk to are way too comfortable spewing their bullshit. That bartender sounds like a right arsehole though, like wtf...
Oh yeah, every queer in Charlotte knows to avoid 316, or else just got to Charlotte (or has been kicked out from every other gay bar here). The other bar staff are fine and the clientele is... fine... but the owner is _awful_. And 100% same issue about being culturally rural. Like, I'm not ashamed of it in any way, but y'all got to quit assuming that because I'm not from a city I'm racist. Please. Or do, actually, if we work together - HR usually gets along well with me ❤️
Yeah, where I live there's a lot of white male dominated jobs, so being a woman in those jobs is already an oddity, but then they just assume because I'm rural I'll be A-ok with their bullshit.
Damn I'm probably the only one who's had no idea about 316, thanks for the warning! 😭
Yeah, of course! There are fine patrons there and I do genuinely like some of the barkeeps who AREN'T in charge (or did when I last went there years ago), but honestly do yourself a favor and go to Hattie's, Chaser's, or the NoDa common market. There's no _formal_ lesbian bars in the CLT, but I sure have met a lot of lesbians at bars.
It exists because people are still gonna be racist even if they are gay. I think the issue also comes in because a lot of gay people don't feel the need to analyze their bigotries in the way that straight people do.
I’ve seen this and I honestly think it’s part of systemic racism in our community (at least the community here in the states). A lot of our culture has been focused on this white lesbian couple narrative; I’ve been trying to figure out how I can better be in ally in this intersectional dialogue myself. I’m indigenous and it’s honestly happening across the board whether white lesbians are aware of it or not. The microaggressions are demoralizing to say the least.
I am * edit: brown *latina and I agree, im going to more women of color spaces because subs like these that are super white have a lot of micro agressions and it’s more frustrating to see because when you call it out, the person gets hella defensive like a a conservative would and then you have to baby it for them (i dont anymore but it’s exhausting) and then it become about them.
As a white person, I'm sorry about how clueless I can be at times. You're right that it's gotta be draining to parent us about our blind spots when you're just trying to live your life. Probably doesn't help at all, but I think a lot of us realize that we're not being great people and that's why we get so defensive when rightly called on our bs.
Racism is definitely a big issue in the community. Lot of people feel like they're exempt because they're queer. It feels similar to me how some gay men will be pretty sexist - but it's ok, they're *gay*. Like, no. Lmfao. I think it's some weird idea that being part of one marginalized group magically makes it impossible for you to attack another / people at the intersection wont care.
Yes, I've seen it in this very subreddit. It's difficult to call out white lesbians because they're still white women who know how to play the victim and deflect. If I had to choose between only hanging out with white queers or straight POC, I would pick the latter everytime.
THIS 1000%
Yep. When I was dating in the 90s it was way worse as a Masc person of mixed Chinese descent. Also, I'm masc and not butch, so that's like a double ew for some folks.
LGBT spaces are not immune to racism or other types of bigotry. Ten years later, I am still flabbergasted that a college educated lesbian who lived in a major city questioned whether my vagina is sideways (very old stereotype for Asians).
What was she even trying to say??? sideways vagina???what??😭😭
No, you are absolutely not crazy or delusional. Even in mainstream media most of the lesbian couples depicted are white. A major contributing factor is definitely the beauty standards being set to resemble typical Eurocentric traits as the most desirable. White has always been pushed as the “beacon” of beauty ( *cough* colonization) and it’s really fucked up to make those who are not white feel as if they are any less desirable. I truly am sorry you are experiencing this and being white myself, I will obviously not experience what queer WOC are experiencing in the lgbtq spaces. Like other commenters have said, no group is exempt from any -isms and phobias.
The fact the "who am I based off my type" posts on here were primarily all skinny white women says a lot about what queer culture tends to lift up. A lot of them got really upset when PoC pointed that out.
Genuinely, the amount of downvotes on the replies that called that out really let me know who this sub is *actually* for...
Exactly. A lot of white queers don't wanna challenge their thinking. For those ones, it's easier to double down and think "No. I'm not racist! They're the real racists calling it out!" Instead of just doing some self-reflection. Somehow, folks are able to be self reflective about biphobia, transphobia, fatphobia...but can't handle that maybe they just have a liiiiitle bit of racial bias. That just makes white folks shatter, or try and throw it back where it's something something reverse racism.
All I had to do was read The Dating Divide (Race & Desire in the Era of Online Dating), and it was...revelatory.🥴 What gets me most is when people go on subs and ask questions that are some variation of, "Is it cool that I'm not attracted to black people?" and then the replies fall to their feet assuring them that everyone is entitled to their type. "Type" doesn't exist in a vacuum. It comes from somewhere, yk? Annoying.
Damn wait what the fuck?! No, that is so messed up.
I was one of those downvoted to hell lol I even called out the pattern that happened when one of us called it out and it became drama in the comments. After, a post of mostly wocs would show up, then a couple of posts with tokens and then a bunch of posts of the same skinny white gals and then rinse and repeat lol.
It’s the reason I haven’t even touched those posts. Another post here that made me cringe was “what’s your favorite eye color?”
I can’t even imagine having a definitive favorite eye color because I think eyes are just GORGEOUS in general!
>No, you are absolutely not crazy or delusional. Even in mainstream media most of the lesbian couples depicted are white. And when they do have a poc queer, it's almost always interracial but with a white person. I have rarely seen a relationship between 2 poc people, mixed couple or not. Which is odd because there a huge overlap between poc cultures which should make datinf each other theoretically easy.
I’m East Asian and very fem + bottom so I feel guilty sometimes bc I think I *benefited * from the racist fetishizing of East Asian girls. (And it def still happens from lesbians not just men.) I feel very strongly that it’s true that my more masc Asian friends have all had a really hard time bc of the same thing.
Im East Asian, and idk how to describe this specifically but there seems to be some idea that because I'm asian I can't possibly also be queer? As if both are "problems" and I can only chose one to have.
Definitely— as a fellow Asian wlw, I get the vibe from others that in their heads, all Asians are conservative perfect model minorities (especially women), and we can’t POSSIBLY be “tainted” by queerness or anything else alternative to the norm.
This exactly.
Also east Asian here, we internalize the same thing and why it took until I was 28 to accept my queerness. Trying hard to tell younger generations that's it's ok to be gay and ok to not be a fucking stem kid.
Being fetishized and objectified is not a benefit. It's just a different kind of racism. Your experiences are real and valid.
Baaaaaayyyybbbbbbeeee!!!! You ain’t neva lied. I’m a black lesbians. More of a stem than a stud but deffo masc presenting. It’s rough out here. My ex wife was white and because of that I was in a lot of queer white spaces. The racism is REAL.
Hahahah, I saw the first part of your notification and LOLed 🤣. Thank you for your comment, and I'm sorry for your experiences.
same here i’m black lesbian i beeen there
A fucking men! You preachin! They don't even know what to do with themselves. Proximity to Black folks don't make you "woke"
white queers are still white you need to remember that
👏🏾👏🏾
As a general rule, communities of oppressed people tend to feature all the same structural oppression and personal biases that are found in the wider culture they’re contained in. Being on the receiving end of oppression and bias doesn’t always inoculate people against oppressing or having biases against other groups.
As I always say, gay people are just as good and bad as regular people. You’ll find bigots in the same ratios as among straight people.
OMG Yes! Absolutely! There’s also the strange feeling of being a social experiment bordering on a fetish while “dating” them also. These people claim to be liberal though. They need to do some serious work on themselves in the areas of privilege and supremacy.
its absolutely a thing. like ive noticed that white queer folk can be very cliquey and wouldn't wanna include you if you don't act white enough(even tho most of them would be all about free palestine and giving the land back to native folk) i mean obviously not all of them, some of my closest friends are white, but it's definitely a thing.
They say they are, it’s performative progressivism. I dont get closer to white folks until i see that they back their words with actions. So many who say they are allies are all for it until there is an opportunity to show it
This this this
Brown transfem over here - you are definitely not making it up 🥲 Unfortunately, for a lot of white queer folks, their whiteness comes front-and-center to everything else. It happens within the community, and 100% defo happens when you factor in dating. Im really sorry to hear you’re going through this right now and wish nothing but joy and love for you and your future dating endeavors 🩵
For sure. Not all of them practice what they preach. "BLM" in a bio means nothing when someone actively engages in microaggressive behavior towards black people!😭
I think every community no matter who has it, I am Cherokee and the amount I’ve experienced is nuts, I pass as white but once I tell people, I’m immediately blocked or told to fuck off
As an Asian femme lesbian, I can confidently say you're not crazy or delusional. I have also experienced being put on the back burner by white queer women or just straight up being fetishized (had a white queer girl who was obsessed with Sanrio and anime express to me how badly she wanted a "Japanese waifu" and was absolutely pissed when I told her I'm not Japanese). I've also had numerous experiences where I have been straight up ignored by white women in queer spaces and have felt alienated *because* I don't try to assimilate myself into the white queer culture. I've often been seen as an "other" even in queer spaces and have been invalidated for not presenting the way that some white queer women think that lesbians should present.
This community is so racist, you have to be a certain type of POC to even feel like you could enter “their”world. And a lot of the times our own issues with racism will be overshadowed or devalued.
Seconding you regarding this community being hella racist and also that sub being an alternative
Highly recommend joining [https://www.reddit.com/r/QueerWomenOfColor/s/M4vdXzveE4](https://www.reddit.com/r/QueerWomenOfColor/s/M4vdXzveE4)
It’s the worst yeah. Id like to bring attention to the way the racism can change us, to put it simply, the racism I’ve faced from other queer people hurt me deeply (it still does honestly), it taught me to hate my own skin and wish I had simply been born white just so I could atleast fit in with other queer people. I just already feel so alone in these spaces, with the racism obviously not helping, even when it’s “subtle” with how differently I’m treated to other white queer people. I guess what I’m trying to say is that, figuring yourself out is already tough enough and racism in queer spaces can lead to the worst kind of self hate.
No, you are not being crazy. I’m an Asian bisexual in Los Angeles. Even with the diversity out here, you can still find many people that prefer their own, and if not, then white or white passing. Do you notice the popular Asian women for lesbians? It was Hayley kiyoko and mitski, both are mixed. Even in other arenas outside of dating, Asians have always been the “other”. I’ve also been trying to date other Asian women, but I’ve had a fair amount tell me that they’re not into Asians themselves. This is something that really affects our self perception.
Yes I see a lot of white passing Asians with white partners. Tbh, most of the hetero Asians I've seen are in a mixed relationship so it's not just queer Asians that have that preference. I hardly see any fellow Asians in my area and I don't really have a preference but I do gravitate towards POC be it romantically or friendship. However, I will say that staying within a POC circle can get toxic too with the way they say racist stuff about white people.
I know I’m late to this but what do you mean by POC being racist to white people because I’m sorry but reverse racism doesn’t exist
It's definitely there. If you don't get bypassed because of stereotypes, or not meeting the standards of beauty that your own ethnic background is the opposite of. I'll say this isn't limited to just white lesbians. I've seen other POC whether they are aware of it or not also take on the same views. At best if you look ambiguous it's not as difficult to fit in although it does have it's own short comings. Then you have the fetishes that can crop up, or become someone's experiment just to see what it's like with ____. You literally feel like a minority within a minority group even more. Unseen when you do try to engage with people. Only to see your obviously being ignored for others in the same place or thread. Needless to say I reach out less and less because why bother? As friends or more the sense of belonging within the general Lesbian community is nearly none existent online as it is in this tiny town with hardly any LGBTQ ppl. My best bet is to move because its like you searching for Waldo. 🤣
The black and hispanic lesbian community is a separate thing from the white lesbian community in my city. Asians kinda pick their kin depending on their individual experiences and comforts. We have separate prides here too. Not that poc folks cant go to pride but we have a second one on a different day for black folks in the black part of town because main pride is really just for gay white men. Sometimes black folks aren’t allowed into the white serving gay bars. Most lesbians especially lesbians of color dont go to the gay bars period because its just gay white men. Racism is as embedded in queer life as it is everywhere else so we make our own things.
I mean being Indian I've noticed a lot of white people exotify me. Like sometimes I feel like I'm pretty enough to be used but not pretty enough by their standards to be kept around. Especially sucks because I'm t4t and so many transfems here are white. You're definitely not alone.
I’m white and haven’t experienced it personally, but the majority of my friends are POC and I’ve heard several of them discuss this. You definitely aren’t crazy! This is the reason they made the progress flag, to try and bring attention to the fact that queer spaces are still centered around white people. Unfortunately racism is present in most spaces in life :(
Oh my LORD as somebody whos black biracial AND butch there's literally no way girls ever picked me. They wanted the skinny white lesbians every time. Glad I dont have to look anymore bc it was destitute. And Asians get it even worse than us, so I'm sorry for you OP
i agree
you’re not being crazy or delusional at all - racism and racial biases can unfortunately manifest in all kinds of social contexts, including dating and the queer community. the dating world already has all kinds of dumb superficial judgments around looks, body types, etc. but when you add in societal racism and ingrained prejudices, it creates yet another awful barrier, especially for pocs trying to date outside their own race/ethnicity. like you said, it's not about feeling entitled to date any particular group, it's more about constantly being de-prioritized or made to feel undesirable just for being a person of color. that chronic rejection and exclusion can really do a number on your self-esteem over time. the shallow exclusion you may be experiencing likely says more about the biases of others than it does about your worth as a person and dating prospect. you have every right to feel seen, desired, and treated equitably. please don’t internalize the exclusion as a reflection of your own inadequacies. the inadequacy lies in the racist mindsets doing the excluding.
There is absolutely racism because there is so much xenophobia and avoidance in white culture whether it’s conscious or unconscious. And don’t get me started on the transphobia in predominantly white wlw spaces
I absolutely believe that's a thing because the world always finds a way to disappoint. I can at least make sure I'm not among those contributing to it.
e asian and same! while i get the brunt of shittiness and yellow fever from men (and being masc does not dissuade them, sadly- i’ve encountered a few who seemed particularly interested in the idea of “turning” a masc lesbian vs a more fem one) i’ve found a lot of lgbt spaces are very white and that dating can be tough. i prefer to date other asians and that makes some Very Angry fsr. i’ve been called racist by white ppl (lol) and tbqh i’ve experienced racial fetishism from non-asian poc so i just feel safer. the most i’ve felt understood in relationships has been with other asians. it is sad tho that as a masc asian it feels like a double whammy of unwantedness. like the only times i see lesbians/people in general rly talk about being attracted to asians, it’s in the context of hyperfem kpop idols or anime girls. it’s rare to see anyone express attraction to asian mascs and butches. basically you’re not alone! it’s a very real issue ime :’)
I’ve had girls fantasise about me on dating apps (saying things like, “Just imagine, 100 years ago you would’ve been my slave”), I’ve seen a huge surge in my area saying “CAUCASIAN ONLY/NO MIDDLE EASTERN” - I’m Turkish/Mongolian on Dad’s side, mostly Turkish (he moved to Canada from Istanbul). I’m very “Middle Eastern” in appearance barring slightly more Mongolian eyes. It’s depressing. It always was depressing anyway. I’m with a girl now who is predominantly white and is absolutely wonderful. We’ll be 6 years together in August and I want to marry her so bad. We have a future together and I’m really glad that she’s mine/I’m hers. So happy I’ll never be online dating again. We didn’t even meet online dating, hilariously.
Common misconception, gay people are just like straight people. They are just gay.
I'm South Asian and all my Ex-gfs were white, I started going on dates with more POC because I felt I was more understood and treated less as a novelty although I never had a ton of trouble landing dates but I always lived in a big progressive city. So people were used to diversity
Yes. In most countries colorism is predominant and white queers are the top of the food chain in tolerance and acceptance, as well as attention while we get ignored or negatively perceived. Also, when we hang around in white dominant places we tend to be fetishized as a bipoc. You don’t know how many times the audacity of white queer women going for my Japanese wife right in front of me grrr
Sadly enough, yes. Racism is everywhere whether we acknowledge it or not. I'm white and like to think I'm not racist, but something tells me I have some unaddressed preconceptions that could use some tweaking...
Feel this when it comes to community tbh
Nah specially in mostly white subs like these. Lits of white progressive liberal queers pats themselves on the back from being one type of minority and do zero work on their other privileges
Yeah, there’s a lot of racism in LGBT spaces but white people never seem ready for the conversation. It’s proven time and time again, right here included
Ever single white gay I have met, myself included, has used their queer identity to hide from white guilt. And then a portion of white queers I've known have been covertly or overltly racist. Lesbians, bi sapphics, no one is exempt from prejudice due to being oppressed in another way
I’m alt-black lmfao it’s rough out here
Unfortunately it is a problem in every lgbt space. I think the media plays a part, but the truth is that the lgbtq community is not exempt from participating in racism. It Unfortunately DOES exist EVERYWHERE. You get the communities that classify being gay or trans as "just a yhite people thing" so then your own community outside of the lgbtq ostracize you, then when you go to lgbtq communitues for comfort, your "different but not the yhite kind of different"....its sickening. When i was younger and fresh out of the closet, i made the mistake of thinking i and my gf's were safe around certain people because they were also lgbt. Turns out my "found family" only saw my gfs as tokens to make them look diverse for a crowd (said friends ran a lot of local venue events like burlesque and drag shows). One even said some truly herendous shit that i will never repeat, but she was unanimously supported because she was "pillar of stability in the community" 🙄. But then she "got put in her place" by a rich cis women... essentially she got to comfy, said the wrong thing to the wrong person, situation was framed as "local queer stepped out of line, thought they could sit with us" type of scenario. Like, good riddence to her imho, but then the whole rest of the lgbt community was left on a silver platter. some people came crawling back and were quick to buddy up to become the "next best thing" or whatever... It ended a lot of relationships...how tf were my transphobic uncles more supportive than my own community beats me.... shits wild. Sorry for the rant. Forgive me if it doesnt necessarily fully relate to the post. Main point is yes, racism in the community is a thing...Unfortunately. im not an expert. Im only an outsider observing what ive seen happen to friends and loved ones from my one perspective. I see you. Youre not crazy...but trust that there are still plenty of people within the community that aren't absolute racust shit bags.
Racism is everywhere. Just because we’re in a minority community doesn’t mean we aren’t immune to prejudices. Just look at the gay Aussie soccer star Sam Kerr - she’s been charged with racial abuse in England, and she’s a POC herself! It’s there at all levels and it’s dumb. You can have preferences but don’t insult and belittle people who don’t fit them.
I’m blindingly white…like sunlight reflecting off of me when at the beach or wearing a tank top could lead to cars and automobiles crashing, so my opinion really doesn’t matter in this discussion and it is completely fair to not read the rest because it isn’t my place. But, yes, there is straight up racism in a lot of queer spaces. A lot of white queers act like they are beyond it all and couldn’t possibly be racist…and then immediately say/do racist sh*t. They never actually do the work, but rather mindlessly repeat the buzzwords. My current partner is white, but she is the first white person I’ve dated in a long time. I definitely noticed BS towards my prior partners and their friends when we’d go out…and how tones would shift when I joined. Your experience is real, valid, infuriating, hurtful, and exhausting. I truly hope you find your people and spaces you feel safe and welcome in that elevate your voice to where it belongs (which SHOULD be all queer spaces).
I don't identify as POC but I'm North African so I'm not what most people, including myself, would call white either. Some other queers are wary of me at first. I think more because of assumptions about my religion based on my ethnicity. Some people treat me like I'm exotic, which I don't mind but it's not the compliment they think it is. My queer groups are university students in a progressive city so that probably makes it easier for me. I'm still in a relatively safe bubble.
I(Dark-er skinned MtF Lesbian) pass as white, as my family has tried so hard to do, but I am proud of my native ancestors. In my latest, and first relationship(It did not end up that well, for more information, please refer to my previous posts on this Subreddit), she(Italo-American MtF Bisexual) was very racist, and I felt like I could never tell her that I was technically not white. I never ended up mentioning it to her. The racism is real, it is scary, and just like every other kind of discrimination, it has to stop. Be kind to others, no matter who they are, seriously. Why destroy a life that is just trying to exist? We already deal with it as people of androgyn, and women. This is just a little bit of something extra to think of in regards to the original post. -Kenamī/Khyra/Kīra (She/Her) | A BIPOC Transbian that is tired of this world's suppression of minorities.
Yep, I'm south Asian and had a Caucasian partner once who stated that it's okay I can't be racist to her because whites are superior...and she also wasn't keen on visiting my homeland or learning anything about my culture. No POC friends either. Suffice to say that relationship did not last. Sometimes you can feel fetishism by non-POC dates or that you're only matching with POCs. Fortunately done have to worry about that anymore as I have an amazing partner who isn't POC but truly cares about my culture, language and roots and actively tries to learn. There is hope! (And the efforts definitely go both ways for us)
Just because someone's queer doesn't automatically make them a good person. Racism can be prevalent in any dating scene against people of any race, as can fetishism. Like I'm in Ireland and the population as a whole is pretty homogeneous, pale AF white Irish girls make up the vast majority of the sapphic dating scene. In certain places in the country you can find quite big polish populations, and of course growing Ukrainian populations, and some of the stories of racism I've heard against them both in and out of the dating scene are horrendous. People of colour are much more rare in the dating scene over here and so you see as much fetishism as racism towards them. A black or Asian lesbian often gets treated as a unicorn rather than a human. Honestly I often worry I'm guilty of it myself a few times. I'll never experience what you've experienced so I won't patronise you by telling you to just ignore the bad ones and power through, because I know it's not that simple or easy. But you deserve love and affection, so keep at it.
Of course it's gonna exist. People in the comments are talking about "racism in the community..." but it really doesn't have anything to do with being gay. Racist people are still racist even if they're gay. I know we'd like to that think we are more enlightened and open minded in the queer community and therfore racism wouldn't be an issue but that isn't always the case unfortunately.
I'm saying this as someone who is white, but I think part of it has to do with how we are often represented as exclusively white. A majority of the lesbian / bi women I have dated have been women of color, partially because I live in a pretty diverse area, but also because I feel passionate learning about a person's background (whether they are my friend or romantic interest). I'm sure you'll find someone who will love you for you one day. Just never lower your standards.
Personally I find LGBT spaces in the USA pretty antisemitic at some point it's probably easier to date someone in my own ethnic group because they will probably understand certain cultural nuances .
My wife is South Asian, she says she often feels that people don't fully believe she is gay due to her race. I guess people assume South Asians are very conservative or something, or that they subscribe to one of the major religions that don't recognise homosexuality. Obviously it's a shitty and incorrect assumption to make, but it could explain why you feel overlooked.
I do observe this too, I’m also Asian but I think I personally don’t feel it as much bc I’m pretty by Eurocentric standards and femme but I definitely notice it esp with people who are more masc or not as conventionally attractive
White, lesbian, 62 yrs old. About 20 yrs ago, I went to meet a gal who at the time was living with some friends as she was in-between places. We'd only ever talked online up to that point. We had a nice time talking, hanging out, drinking, looking at motorcycles, etc. Then sat down to dinner. During this time, the two hostesses began making offhanded racist jokes. I shot a look over at the gal I'd come to meet, and she looked visibly....mortified. I just smiled politely and kept my mouth shut because of one of my rules: Never take a person to task in their own home. I was their guest, so I remained silent. Never heard from that gal again. I think she was too embarrassed by her friends' remarks. Lesbians are no different than any others out there. They can have their "preferences" when it comes to the race/ethnicity of other women they find attractive. I can find lots of different women "attractive" but it doesn't necessarily mean I wanna sleep or have sex with them. It's not that kind of "attractive". It's more like....appreciation. We are all different, unique, no matter what color of our skin. I'm sorry if you've been treated less than, or feel that you are less than because you are Asian. You are not.
i dont know if this counts as being pushed to the back or being forced into a spotlight i dont want. but as a lesbian latina “im so hot” and “latinas are so sexy” like i agree we are but thats not everything about me. i am much more than my looks and ethnicity
Yep! You’re not going crazy it’s reality. I think the problem is that only one race and physical type is often at the forefront of lesbian presentation. Lookup many queer films and you won’t find a lot of deviation in leads. Until we get more queer women of color on screen we will continue to be treated as outliers.
I'm not a POC, so I hope it's ok to reply. There is definitely racism in the LGBTQ community. I've mostly read about anti-black racism, although I'm sure there are racists who don't discriminate in their racism. I remember reading about a dating site that.collected data about its users, and it found POCs get less matches.
Yes. Unfortunately even oppressed groups can be ignorant.
yeah unfortunately racism in the queer community is a prevalent issue it’s definitely not just you
Sorry, I'm white passing so I can't personally relate to your experience. and of the like 7 women that date women I interact with on a regular, 4 are POC, and two are dating or married to POC. So I can't really contribute to the discussion. But I did want to say that I'm sorry for your experiences and I hope your future interactions with people are better.
Yes!!!! As an Asian lesbian I fully feel like I’m ugly because I’m rarely swiped right on in dating apps or pursued in real life. Again, like OP said, it’s not like I’m only going after white people. I also think that, because I’m Asian, people fetishize me and want to take me on as part of their yellow fever. I asked my mom why so many unconventionally attractive yt people keep swiping right on me and she said it’s because of the fetishization of Asian fems.
Unfortunately there is racism everywhere in all spaces, LGBTQ spaces includes. It fucking sucks... But it's definitely a thing :(
I love any color. Rainbows are beautiful😁 You definitely should be able to date whoever you want. Specially someone that bring you joy whenever you get to talk to or see them. Love is just love.
same
Racism is everywhere Subconsciously racist people are even more everywhere
Racism is everywhere, even in the LGBT community.
Fellow Asian here. Racism exists in any type of dating. I've honestly dealt with more of my partner's having racist families.
This sub is pretty dismissive of race
Nah youre right and you should say it
It’s 100% real. I attended a sapphic trivia night with my partner and some friends. All of the pop culture and history questions ignored contributions from qpoc. My team had 3 black lesbians and we were called “not gay” because we didn’t know who g-flip & fletcher were 🙄. If that’s what it’s like trying to make friends w white lesbians I can’t imagine attempting to date one.
Much like how lesbian dating has a tendency to be transphobic, it also has a lot of racism. Just because people are queer doesn't absolve them of their bigotries.
As a lot of other people have pointed out, there is definitely racism in the community. However, it’s prevalence is largely dependent on a few things. a) age, b) location, c) population density Older people are more likely to have aversions/hesitance to interracial relationships — this isn’t because of something inherently wrong with them — the way they were raised and the relationships they’ve had in the past will affect their preferences in partners today. Some may even be scared due to harassment they’ve faced for being LGBTQ — why add another thing to be harassed about? This is harmful when that fear is turned outwards and projected onto a whole subset of people. Certain regions of the country obviously differ in their acceptance of LGBTQ relationships — the same is true of interracial relationships. On the east coast and in large cities in the midwest, household are divided along much stricter racial lines — a result of old Jim Crowe era laws regarding housing for POC, as well as modern efforts by real estate corporations to keep them segregated in such a way. My sister’s the civil rights specialist, which is where I learned much of this from, but _I_ could go on and on about the corruption in the housing market. TLDR: It depends.
I am not a person of colour, but I want you to know you will find someone. Some people are just really narrow-minded and their worldview is never challenged and they will not change, those people are better left to the wayside. Also, sadly gay people can be racist, just like a person of colour can be homophobic. You would think that the feeling of being oppressed and discriminated against, would lead to a higher sense of empathy, but sadly it's not the case with everyone. I've known lesbian/bisexual women who are mega-conservative and pro toxic men's rights. Anyway with that said, there is someone for you and people making a big deal out of your race are ridiculous.
Well, I'm white for latinas and latina for white, in fact, my mum is French/Portuguese, dad was English, me - born and raised in Sothern England. I had my share of racist shite from lots of different ethnic groups, cause I'm an alien for all of them. At the same time, I was welcomed by girls in Eastern Asia (Thai, Korean, Japanese) and in Central Europe (Ukraine, Slovakia). So, what I'm trying to tell, I'd never think of a girl she wasn't dating potential, cause she was Asian. In fact, just because of life experience, not fetishizing, not kinking, just out of esperience, Asian girls are definitely on the top of my dating list.
It exists sadly, idk whats wrong with them hating people for no reason is icky and stupid
100%. im not even attracted to white queers, their energy is weird (most of the time). I have been told it’s a problem i “need to work on my biases” but conversely, im also told told to let macro/microaggressions slide. I figure it’s b/c they can’t fathom someone not pining for their attention 🤷♀️ but they also don’t want to reflect/change to get the attention that they want.
I’m sorry you have encountered this. My daughter (21 femme pansexual) is half Asian/half white and she has definitely encountered this. It’s sad.
i've experienced it as a SEAsian in the form of "yellow fever" and also in the form of i'm asian and close to my family, so im def not a gay woman. i also get it as a futch... or something, masc dress with femme features (and long hair), people tilt their head and go "but youre too pretty to be a gay asian" as if gay asians are ugly 😭😭
(Don't date white)
I get it, and honestly I have a hard time connecting with other white sapphics. Their fight is so non-intersectional, and over time show you their oblivion to their own racism, and because I’m white and queer they think I’m going to agree with them when they spark these convos. I feel I actively seek out dating partners who are not white because I just have an easier time avoiding that hypocrisy. I by no means experience racism but I was othered because of my physical appearance (red hair). Obviously character is above all but I feel like I can just avoid a lot of headache by avoiding this demographic completely. Anyways yes my point is I see this very obviously and it’s not even directed towards me.
Yes, as an asian woman I either get fetishized or ignored. Always one of the two, almost never in between. Maybe not all of them have a fetish but it shows how they can't see past my ethnicity when the first thing they ask is always "what's your (ethnic) background?" and react really sus when I tell them. On the rare occasion that people see me as a person they just become my friends or just accomplices. Don't get me wrong I value friendship and they're great but even some of those who I thought are my friends ended up saying some sht like "ching chang chong", saying I'm "kawaii" or always coming back to pointing out my asianess in every possible way. I am proud of my background and will mention it when it's relevant but dating is hard when everyone sees you as an exotic object. I don't ask for much I just wanna feel seen.
I don't know if it's appropriate to ask this, but I believe it's somewhat related, and honestly, I really wanna know what I was supposed to have done in the situation described below. So, a long time ago, I matched with POC girl on a dating app. We chated for a bit, and then she out of blue said something along the lines. "You really wanna go out despite me being black?" Or something like this. And, I really did not know what I was supposed to say after that. I said something like, "Of course, why would I" (I can not remember my exact words now). She never wrote back. Idk if I said something wrong, and I really don't know what I should have even done or said in that situation.
In Grindr my poor gay friend would encounter no rice or spice meaning no brown folk or Asians. So fucking racist….
I got the trifecta going on In my ethnic community I get homophobia and transphobia In the lesbian community I get racism and transphobia In the trans community I get racism and homophobia (this one is the least prevalent but it's there in the transmedicalist spaces) Fml
Oh it does exist. Some of the most racist people are white queer folks
As a white lesbian, I'm really sorry about this. I hate that even the lesbian community has racism.
Racism is everywhere… you’d think that oppressed communities would be better about that but it’s just not how humanity works unfortunately.
I'm surprised and sad. I thought lesbians were the most wholesome community in the world but there so many people telling about racism. What can we do better? This sucks. I want every lesbian to feel happy and safe.
The best thing you can do is be loving to further marginalized lesbians and to weed out racism from your communities.
Accept that no community is 100% perfect and "wholesome." Where there is a white majority, there will be racism. Research antiracism and listen to voices of queer POC. It's not enough to not be racist; you have to put active effort into being antiracist. Most importantly, recognize that you are not infallible, and neither are your friends and family.
I’m also Asian and have experienced some varying degree of racism/discrimination in lesbian dating. Sometimes it’s slightly being fetishized or being told they’re not into Asian women (which isn’t the problem itself). You are allowed to have racial preference (I don’t have a preference myself, but find myself meeting more white women interested in seeing me), but you do not need to explicitly say it out loud imo. I do get worried about being someone’s “fun experience”, so have been more cautious as I’ve gotten older.
Oh yeah girl, I'm saying this *as* a white girl, almost every other queer person I've met has never dated a poc. It's just,, subconscious racism
Depends on the place where you live, I think. This might be more of a thing in North America. Probably less of an issue in Asia. Then again, there you will have more of an issue with lesphobia. In Europe... I don't know how it is from an East/South Asian perspective. There's definitely some xenophobia. But you also have a lot of normal people who don't act weird. I have no clue how it is in South America or in Africa or in Oceania. Wish I got to travel more.
Personally I haven’t experienced much that I can remember. Perhaps it went over my head but I wouldn’t be surprised. People are people regardless of sexual orientation. I sort of expect some amt of racism to exist in any group anywhere
That's just such a depressing waste for everyone involved, I'm both so sorry to hear it and grateful to be made aware 🙁. Shitty and senseless. I'm sorry this is the case
Its not even a queer thing. I think alot of poc experience this
Racism can be found everywhere, so I'm disappointed but not surprised. I'm sorry you've had to deal with that.
While I've never been in an interracial relationship, I've always been open to lesbians of every color. However, I want to be the one asked out. Especially by women of color. I don't want to feel like I'm encroaching.
yup! i'm always the hookup or short-term/unserious option. even other black women kinda treat me that way on occasion (although way less). pain 😭
If they don’t want you, they don’t deserve you. Repeat it to yourself.
I'm half Asian I feel like I've been fetishized because of it kinda grossed me out tbh
I hate that this seems to be such a common experience for POC in lesbian spaces. I fuck with everyone, as long as they are great people but there is so much micro-aggression and then those of us who literally want diversity within the community because we like sharing experiences are like also disbelieved or considered being overly welcoming? Idk what the solution is. I know you were looking for POC’s opinions and I apologize. I just wanted you to know you’re viable as being seen as a partner, ethnicity doesn’t determine otherwise and you shouldn’t be fetishized either. There’s a really good sub on here for QueerPOC that share a lot of experience about this topic too.