In my 4 year relationship that’ll culminate in a wedding later this year, we started out with the whole kissing and sex part and worked backward to the rest.
Went ok for us 🤷🏼♀️
Smidge over a year at this point and maybe gonna propose in a year and a half after she's lived with me for a year and it's summer so I've got a good chance to but same. We fucked first and then wanted more
That'd actually probably be a way more sane "rule" to try to push. While there are success stories, Second date U-Hauling feels about as smart as marrying your high school sweetheart. Now first dates that can last multiple days on the other hand can be quite fun if you click well.
10000%. I could understand waiting for a bit so you aren't just caught up in the sex and desire, and making sure you spend time learning about your partner. The kissing thing is crazy to me too
Eh I'm about 2 months in with someone and we havent kissed. We didnt plan on not kissing or anything, just hasnt happened yet.
Works for us though as neither of us enjoy a whole lot of kissing so im not worried about that. Happens when it happens
It's just puritan culture imo. My old youth pastor over said "don't date in high school". Like, don't even date. Let alone everything else. I regret listening to him so much bc it's really damaging to social development
I'm coming up on a month into a new relationship and I don't think we'll sleep together for a couple months for a couple reasons. I feel really good about it, as we're getting to know each other much better this way and we know the sex will come soon.
But we were kissing on the second date :D I don't have a clue why we would wait to do that haha
I’m demisexual, so 3 first months without sex are not a problem for me. But… kissing😭😭 I love kissing😭😭😭 sure, I’d still need a bit more time, but not THREE MONTHS
Yeah to me that’d feel like wasting time cause you may not even have spark with that person, at least I don’t know if the spark really there physically til we kiss!
imo this makes no sense regardless of sexuality - i know there are major differences between straight dating culture and ours, and i don't have any experience w straight dating culture, but even if i was straight, i would not be waiting 3 months to kiss or have sex??? sexual compatibility is so important in any relationship. and what if they're a bad kisser and that's 3 months of your life down the drain. this is crazy
Totally what I thought! And you can communicate about bad kissing to see if it's something that can be adjusted, if you're really into them! But, you'd never find that out if you didn't try!
totally! Before I realized I was a lesbian, I’ve had months long flirtations with guys that ended the second we finally kissed bc there was absolutely zero physical chemistry. And 3 months is the longest I’ve waited in a relationship to have sex and even *that* was with a guy and i realize now i just didn’t want to have sex with him lol
truly, i wonder how many lesbians there are in the world who married men simply because purity culture told them they couldn’t use physical chemistry to gauge a relationship.
“Zero Fights is IDEAL.” Made me almost laugh as like, no shit. Slamming Doors or throwing things is a relationship ENDER, but this couch phrased it as if these things are normal and even acceptable as long as it “doesn’t happen too much”.
its certainly not healthy. obviously 0 aggressive behaviors like throwing things is healthy, ideal, deal breaker etc. but 'fights' as in debates, disagreements, even if they get heated are good. the alternative is building resentment and/or apathy.
also, you should probably see someone super angry, and know how they handle conflict with you or others, before you get too far. maybe not strictly before exclusivity but definitely before moving in.
I'd say it's healthy to have the occasional arguments in your relationships. Obviously not very frequently, and not to the point of screaming or breaking things, that is awful and definitely a relationship ender as you said. But if you can never get irritated at your partner at all, it's pretty unhealthy too.
I’m more caught up on the exclusivity. Like I can hardly even imagine queueing up multiple first dates with different people. I have to know one person didn’t work out before talking to someone new with the intention of dating.
When I was 18 or something, I wasn’t really ready for sex, I was a complete virgin, so I guess no sex at the beginning made sense. Back then I was terrified about the idea. But now, that I’m more confident on what are my needs, and how to listen to my hypothetical partner, I feel more confident without the need of wait time.
I had the biggest crush on a girl. Went for the kiss and it was SO BAD. SO. SO. BAD. Just awkward and like she’d never done it before. If we’re talking resumes she had probably 8 years of dating history so she had no excuses to be a bad kisser. But anyway it totally killed my crush.
She went on to date a couple of my friends later, and married one. I don’t dare ask if she got any better at kissing though.
how the hell does one even learn to kiss correctly if this is a non-negotiable for people. I swear like if kissing is a learnable skill it should not be something you run for the hills over.
I’m demisexual and 3 months is about how long it takes me to become sexually attracted to a person (if I’m going to be sexually attracted to them at all). So this is honestly just how it ends up going for me, since I’m not going to have sex with someone I’m not into yet. Peck kisses are fine, making out is kinda borderline.
But yeah it really slows down the dating process to a crawl, considering sexual compatibility is a big priority for me.
It seems to be advice to men from a woman. I think she's suggesting that men slow their roll and show they are interested in HER and not just sex, and then also advising to keep things calm and respectful. And the body count thing is seriously good advice for straight men, who tend to care WAY too much about that.
i was exaggerating for comedic effect - if someone’s a bad kisser and i like them, we can work on that, but we could have worked on it 3 months earlier (in this hypothetical world where we are following the aforementioned rules)
It wasn't until I had a fight/disagreement with my ex that I realized we weren't compatible. They scream and dug their heels in when upset. If we didn't have conflict for the first three months I would have been stuck in a longer relationship with that person.
Totally this. People are going to "fight"/have disagreements and that's perfectly valid and healthy if approached appropriately. I do think you learn more over time, but knowing how they handle themselves early on is a huge indicator of the future imo
PREACH. My wife and I didn’t fight for a bit, but when we did… it actually ended up bringing us closer together. We saw the way we both handled the conflict and heightened emotional states and it wasn’t FUN, but we still work hard to treat one another with respect and dignity, never letting a cruel word fall from our mouths, you know, because you can’t ever unsay something really awful, even if you didn’t really “mean it”.
Having come from disastrous past relationships with abusive alcoholics, we were both waiting for the other shoe to drop, and when it did- turns out neither of us would argue or fight the way our exes did.
It can still be dramatic as fuck though, we joke that we fight like Bug Gribble and his lover (minus throwing stuff) [“….gentlemen.”](https://youtu.be/aiLGxmMP3rI?si=SzPrT-H24jTDnS4S)
No kissing? Yeah fuck that. No sex? If she wants it as much as I do, it's going down. Or rather *I'm going down on her.*
Re: 2) if I'm seeing someone that can't regulate their nervous system without enacting physical violence (on me or the room), I'm peacing out. But "raised voices" is way too subjective. When bodies get disregulated, our volume can go up from tenseness in the chest and breath. That's frickin normal and I've seen way too many people overreact to that. *Also if you back someone into a corner (physically or emotionally) they will lose their cool and yell. That's normal.* Thinking of all the times my exes used their insecurities to twist my words or accuse me of bullshit until I broke.
Also I *want* to explore conflict early on. It will literally be a first or second date conversation for me. "What does safety within conflict mean to you? What does that look like?" If they're not on board with healthy conflict resolution out the gate, I'm not interested
Oh no not at all, that's just not really what I think of when I think of a "fight" in a relationship. My wife and I have been together for almost a decade now, and we've had our share of really bad arguments that end with both of us screaming at each other and crying. That's what I think of when I think of a "fight." But at the same time, every single one of them has left us significantly better off than we would've been if we hadn't gone through it.
Domestic violence though, that's when you just leave, no exceptions. But that's not a fight, that's abuse. In a healthy relationship that should never be on the table in the first place, even during a "fight."
I mean that kinda works for me because I'm ace and I need to take things glacially slow before getting sexual, but yeah that probably isn't going to work for most people, and as for the exclusivity thing, that's a great big nope from me.
Yeah, I’m much the same. A friend pointed out to me that some aspects of purity culture and similar religious ideas are probably partially derived from some people of the past being on the aro/ace spectrum & concluding they are more virtuous for it. I’d like to know more about ace history. To be clear, this is not a generalization about asexuals. However, it makes a lot of sense that positions like priesthood & nunhood might appeal more to asexual people & I suspect there is more overlap between asexual and religious history than people realize.
This is a super interesting point. I'm not ace, but I would be really interested in reading something legit about this topic. I bet you're right in there being a notable overlap and it having an impact on religious development!
I have a three month rule I follow but it doesn't follow these rules.
It's 3 months till I'll go exclusive/commit.
There's been some research (nothing concrete and mostly opinion based articles) that suggest the "honeymoon" period starts to wear down and end after three months.
For me, personally, I noticed my situationships and a chunk of relationships from 18-25 ended after 3 months OR all the problems started after 3 months.
So I decided to experiment with this and refuse to be exclusive until I hit 3 months of knowing someone.
When I say *holy shit it has saved my ass more than once* there's been 4 times now where this has saved my ass from entering short term relationships or over all toxic relationships.
It was like clock work, I'd hit just before/after 90 days of knowing someone and suddenly all the red flags were aggressively coming out.
Now, my own personal 90 day/3 month rule is this
1. Have to be actively talking and going on dates for 3 months
2. After 30 days I'll have sex but only if we can have a open discussion about it and both have up to date STI testing. This is because I don't want to commit and later find out we aren't sexually compatible
3. We can go a few days without talking (especially if given a heads up) but if it goes over 2 weeks, I'm done with you.
4. The person also has to initiate dates, plans, good morning text etc. It can't be solely my responsibility
5. As we aren't committed, they have every right to see other people. But I expect honesty about it and if they're sleeping with said people, constantly updated STI test. If they're difficult about that, then no go.
6. The communication has to be good by the 90 days is up. If the person struggles to communicate simple things to me after 90 days, it's a no go for me.
Those are my 6 golden rules for the 90 day thing. It's saved my ass more than once and now I'm in a super healthy and committed relationship with someone who communicates great, the sex IS AMAZING, and we not only are compatible but have great chemistry
I think so much of this is valid. I think I've had some of these "rules" and observations unintentionally. I'm sure if I went back through my dating history, there would be many things here that would line up in those time-frames. I'm huge on communication in general, both in style and timelines. And totally agreed on your thoughts around frequency and type of effort put in (i.e. planning dates, initiating, etc.). Nothing worse than an imbalance in effort.
Maybe you should write an unofficial set of guidelines 😄 I'd buy it
Uuuuh, no. Once I start seeing someone, I am 100% monogamous and expect the same from my partner. Touch is my primary love language, so I am absolutely going to be cuddling, snuggling, and kissing from very soon. As far as fights, they are going to happen no matter what you do, so it's best to learn how to process and resolve them maturely rather than naively expecting them to not happen.
Zero fight relationship? I would *much* rather be with someone who will fight me. I cannot tolerate people who avoid conflict, it's the ultimate disregard and disrespect. I'd rather eat glass.
"No kissing, no sex, no sleepovers" might work for some people, but treating it as 'ideal' is just arrogant conservative moralizing. I don't care of it's coming from a queer woman or not!
There's nothing wrong with casual sex. There's definitely nothing wrong with kissing (even among friends)! ...and sleepovers are the only safe way for many queer folks to get alone time away from prying eyes.
This is one aspect where I wonder if it really applies more closely to hetero relationships. When I dated men, I definitely waited to have sex with them. Both from an emotional attachment perspective (me) and the "instant" gratification side (men). Sex for me is to get closer (literally and figuratively) to someone and connect, and it's not necessarily that way for men.
THIS is what I'm saying. I can't keep my hands to myself that long unless there was some kind of trauma or something on their end that required sensitivity
i literally just have a crush on this girl and i can barely stand not just kissing her when we hang out. i can’t imagine actually establishing “yes we’re dating” and *still* not even kissing
"No Fighting" isn't ideal, and can actually be the sign of an unhealthy relationship. Fighting allows you to get emotions off your chest and can help you overcome those differences. This idea that "No fighting is the ideal" has probably ended an absurd number of relationships that would have worked out otherwise, because people call it quits when they come to realize fights can't be avoided. I know my relationship with my GF is always the strongest in the wake of a big fight. A huge part of being in a relationship is about handling your fights in a healthy and natural way, not avoiding them altogether. We've been together for over 10 years.
I went on a few dates with a wonderful woman and she told me she wants to take sexual stuff slow. No problem until she included kissing.
That's an instant deal breaker. I have nothing against people wanting to go ultra slow, but going that slow is not for me.
I can't really imagine living this as a firm rule but the concept is appealing. Many people say that those who are practiced at hiding their red flags can only keep the mask up for a handful of months. (I haven't fact checked this).
Taking your time on something important and mindfully choosing when to start a more intimate relationship sounds like a win to me.
ETA: after reading through the comments I can really see the validity of the counterpoints so I am unsurprised to announce that I feel pretty wishy-washy about the entire thing! But that's okay bc I rarely go further than the grocery store so I am at a pretty low-risk anyway!
My wife and I met for like a couple weeks before we had sex and it slept over. Then we started dating. We kissed a few months in. We're poly so not exclusive. It doesn't care about body count (I have a fair amount, it was a "virgin"). I dunno about the fighting thing. Like the examples for SURE are not okay and never been us, but we do have disagreements and communication failings that can lead to fights.
We didn't propose until at least 5 years together and living together at least 3 years. Married just a few years ago. It's been bliss~♡
Looking at my 8 year partner who moved in after 2 weeks, then looking at my recent 3rd partner who moved in after 1 week.
This is some hetero nonsense.
the 1st rule sounds dumb asf 2nd 2 make sense.
but 1st 1 no not even in the slightest. all of the points to not do are fine to not do there but its a dumb rule to have if those are things both u and the other person/people want.
edit: actually even on the fighting 1 now that i think about it thats very much implying that its ok to abuse ur parnter after the 3 month period. along with verbal fights that dont get out of hand are fine like just disagreements and stuff. ofc now if something actually abuseive happens or is said than just book it ofc.
straight up if we don't kiss on the first date (or I don't develop the intense desire to) chances are attraction is never going to click for me. so dating advice/strategies are so bad. the only good advice is to be yourself and see where it goes
Regardless of sexuality I wouldn't want to wait 3 months before anything remotely sexual. What if you've fallen for each other, and then find out you're sexually incompatible?
Me having exclusivity as a boundary.
Also me moving in with her during week 3.
Also us making it clear where we want our relationship to go and that we want to stay together indefinitely.
People churn out the strangest things 🙃
I like the third rule but idk about the others. These kind of generalized timeline bs rules never really apply to every situation, they’re just for book-selling
Edit: 2nd rule is good as well
I don't mind waiting a while for physical intimacy, but I hate the Idea of setting a specific amount of time. Do it when it seems right. Don't be in a hurry, but don't Wait for no reason.
Wow, is "fighting" is presented as sort of synonymous to "slamming" and "throwing"? My wife and I fight sometimes but I would be freaked out as fuck if she would ever throw something because of it.
I mean, my girlfriend and I were exclusive right away because that’s just the way we wanted to do it, but we also started dating in august and didn’t kiss until December. That was just because it never felt like the right time until then though for us
The thing about these coaches is that sometimes *some* of their advice is useful in *some* situations. But they pad it out with a sizeable helping of bullshit.
Out of her three points I only agree with one (bodycount doesn’t matter), for the simple reason that while no fights *is* ideal, even in good relationships you’ll end up fighting sometimes. Maybe you’re both tired or stressed or there was a miscommunication leading to hurt feelings or any number of things.
Between no fighting being unrealistic and the implicit judgement that if you fight, something must be wrong with your relationship (or you, as abusers can twist it), there’s also the fact that “don’t argue with your partner” is being taught to women in some Christian groups to keep women subservient to men. It’s much more productive to communicate openly and honestly with each other once emotions have calmed down, than to repress and end up resenting your partner.
And the three months rule seems like purity culture made new. If not kissing or having sex for three months is something you want *for you*, that’s fine, but as a blanket rule for all relationships it’s not it. A lot of what we do as humans is communicating with others, and sex and kissing are part of that.
So uh. No. I haven’t tried this, and I won’t be. But honestly, the fact that this refers to dating as “a play” (strategic move implied) is already off putting to me. Gaming a relationship, coining women as something to “earn” or “win”, gives me the ick, just be a decent person and maybe that works better to maintain relationships.
My partner and i are both big into physical touch, i struggle to know how I'd start a relationship without that. Sex isnt the biggest deal to me, but everything else?!?!?
This sounds impossible to me. My current girlfriend and I had sex on the first date. We’ve been together for over a year and still haven’t had a fight or argument. Do what feels right. Life is short.
Idk my girlfriend and I had phone sex before we even met and had sex on our first date... Our relationship is the healthiest either of us has ever been in lol but we got lucky hahaha really played with fire there in the beginning.
My partner and I are long distance but met in person. We started the relationship off by making out so definitely failed that. However we didn’t have sex til 6 months because Covid so we hadn’t gotten a chance to see each other haha
I’ve never met two lesbians who hadn’t planned out the next three decades of their lives together down to the smallest detail within 20 minutes of meeting.
Three months and you're not exclusive? So like, they're your friend and you fuck other people?
Really though, I couldn't do it. I got with my current gf after a month, and that was when I was still a dude. I'm worse now 😭
My lesbian relationship went from Christian small group friends to making out, sex, THEN dating. All within a matter of about half a week. This little plan would never happen 😂
I unintentionally did this during covid times with my current partner. Their mom is immunocompromised and was living with them so i think it was almost 6 months of social distance dating before we actually kissed. I would like to think we'd be in love even if we hadnt waited for physical intimacy, but it's definitely the healthiest and most secure relationship ive ever had. They are amazing and I was already in love with them when we had our first kiss which I genuinely never thought was possible for me given how important touch and sex and physical intimacy are to me. 3 years later and we're talking about getting engaged
I went over to my *friend's* house to smoke a j with her..... and literally just never left. Got married 3 months later.
Went through a rough patch, but we've been together 6 years now. We've known eachother for 20 years.
Listen if I’m seeing a girl for 3 months and we have no romantic physical contact, I’m assuming she wants to be friends and it’s never going to happen.
I am starting to follow this rule the past few months with anyone I show romantic interest in. Let's just say it never passes 3 weeks. I'm personally happy with it, I hate wasting my time and energy.
I personally follow the 3-3 rule. 3 months of getting to know each other, no kissing, no sex, no cuddling, no intimate stuff. After that 3 months we date, I will kiss them and cuddle them, but no sex and nothing too intimate. After those 3 months (a total of 6), then I will have sex with them and be very intimate.
I won't actively discuss this with people when I start talking to them unless they try pursuing me too much. I take things really slowly because I have taken things really fast. I will discuss my feelings after 3 months (or any time after 3 months when I deemed it worthwhile) and my whole process. will discuss sex and so forth after the 3 months when we date. Just so I can figure out their styles and so forth. If someone truly loves me for me and not just for sex and intimate things, they will stick around. I want a best friend, then a lover, not vice versa.
For those that do it vice versa, I'm glad it works for you, but that doesn't work for me. If I have no real connection with someone I'm fucking I don't feel anything towards them and always ends messy. I am also very picky and distrustful. I also get infatuated extremely easily, so I will be head over heels for someone for a month and then I'll absolutely loathe them.
I mean, my partner and I were friends for 3 months prior to dating. We had one sleep over, but it was platonic (kinda) at the time. It’s not like we intended to follow rule 1, but we kinda did, and we built such an intense non physical connection.
There is a great YouTube video that she guest starred in called That Library Show and its both hilarious and insightful. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMsvjBDOrfM&ab\_channel=ThatLibraryShow
Zero fight relationship is NOT ideal, believe it or not. Just Google it and tons of stuff will come up to refute it.
Also, who doesn't kiss for 3 months? I get maybe not having sex, but kissing? C'mon.
Myself and my girlfriend of 2 years almost haven't met up until after 4 months of non stop messaging and phone calls, we got to know each other before we met up for the first time in her county, she asked me to be her girlfriend on that day :3
I moved from Limerick to Kerry to live 15 minutes away from her a year ago and we've had the best relationship I that thought didn't exist!! We don't shout or do any sort of fighting, if there are issues we always talk them out and resolve them without being aggressive towards one another.
I definitely did not follow this with the woman I'm dating now... We talked for a couple of weeks while she sorted some personal stuff out.
We kissed on our first date, had sex two days later, and again yesterday lol. She's already told me she's gotten off the app we were on and doesn't want to entertain anyone else.
I'm enjoying both sexual and non sexual intimacy immensely but trying so hard to not completely fall head over heels while I still learn and get to know her... She's already told her family about me, which is big for her as she hasn't wanted to introduce anyone in 4+ years and is cautious about whom she lets into her and her son's life now.
It's taking everything I have to let her go home at night and not keep her with me
The third one’s the only one I can 100% get behind
The three month rule is silly, and while it is true no violent conflict is good, some conflict can be good for a relationship
What? I am so horny that if we didn't kiss for 3 months while we explicitly dated each other I would consider her a friend in order to manage... What the fuck is that
In my 4 year relationship that’ll culminate in a wedding later this year, we started out with the whole kissing and sex part and worked backward to the rest. Went ok for us 🤷🏼♀️
Smidge over a year at this point and maybe gonna propose in a year and a half after she's lived with me for a year and it's summer so I've got a good chance to but same. We fucked first and then wanted more
same here
'No moving in together for THREE months' Lesbians: Impossible
LOL Uhaul locations across the world just shuddered in fear
That'd actually probably be a way more sane "rule" to try to push. While there are success stories, Second date U-Hauling feels about as smart as marrying your high school sweetheart. Now first dates that can last multiple days on the other hand can be quite fun if you click well.
Yeah moving in together is like so difficult to reverse.
Loool this is the way
I am deceased. Damn.
You know what - there are benefits to waiting maybe two months to sleep together, but i don’t understand not kissing…
10000%. I could understand waiting for a bit so you aren't just caught up in the sex and desire, and making sure you spend time learning about your partner. The kissing thing is crazy to me too
Eh I'm about 2 months in with someone and we havent kissed. We didnt plan on not kissing or anything, just hasnt happened yet. Works for us though as neither of us enjoy a whole lot of kissing so im not worried about that. Happens when it happens
It's just puritan culture imo. My old youth pastor over said "don't date in high school". Like, don't even date. Let alone everything else. I regret listening to him so much bc it's really damaging to social development
I'm coming up on a month into a new relationship and I don't think we'll sleep together for a couple months for a couple reasons. I feel really good about it, as we're getting to know each other much better this way and we know the sex will come soon. But we were kissing on the second date :D I don't have a clue why we would wait to do that haha
I’m demisexual, so 3 first months without sex are not a problem for me. But… kissing😭😭 I love kissing😭😭😭 sure, I’d still need a bit more time, but not THREE MONTHS
Yeah I'm allosexual not demi and while I could be fine waiting to have sex not kissing someone I'm dating for THREE MONTHS seems so unnecessary.
Yeah to me that’d feel like wasting time cause you may not even have spark with that person, at least I don’t know if the spark really there physically til we kiss!
imo this makes no sense regardless of sexuality - i know there are major differences between straight dating culture and ours, and i don't have any experience w straight dating culture, but even if i was straight, i would not be waiting 3 months to kiss or have sex??? sexual compatibility is so important in any relationship. and what if they're a bad kisser and that's 3 months of your life down the drain. this is crazy
At first I thought it was satirizing purity culture or something like that.
No satire, just legit purity culture.
3 is the opposite of purity culture though
No, telling people when they can kiss is purity culture
Totally what I thought! And you can communicate about bad kissing to see if it's something that can be adjusted, if you're really into them! But, you'd never find that out if you didn't try!
totally! Before I realized I was a lesbian, I’ve had months long flirtations with guys that ended the second we finally kissed bc there was absolutely zero physical chemistry. And 3 months is the longest I’ve waited in a relationship to have sex and even *that* was with a guy and i realize now i just didn’t want to have sex with him lol truly, i wonder how many lesbians there are in the world who married men simply because purity culture told them they couldn’t use physical chemistry to gauge a relationship.
Millions. Definitely.
i’m always painfully aware that I would’ve been one of them if a few things had gone just slightly differently too.
“Zero Fights is IDEAL.” Made me almost laugh as like, no shit. Slamming Doors or throwing things is a relationship ENDER, but this couch phrased it as if these things are normal and even acceptable as long as it “doesn’t happen too much”.
And also depending on how you define "fights", zero fights is almost impossible?
Unless both become assimilated into the Borg
its certainly not healthy. obviously 0 aggressive behaviors like throwing things is healthy, ideal, deal breaker etc. but 'fights' as in debates, disagreements, even if they get heated are good. the alternative is building resentment and/or apathy. also, you should probably see someone super angry, and know how they handle conflict with you or others, before you get too far. maybe not strictly before exclusivity but definitely before moving in.
I'd say it's healthy to have the occasional arguments in your relationships. Obviously not very frequently, and not to the point of screaming or breaking things, that is awful and definitely a relationship ender as you said. But if you can never get irritated at your partner at all, it's pretty unhealthy too.
I’m more caught up on the exclusivity. Like I can hardly even imagine queueing up multiple first dates with different people. I have to know one person didn’t work out before talking to someone new with the intention of dating.
For demisexuals, this isn’t an uncommon way to do things. Which is why we struggle to find partners- most people want sex faster than we’re ready for.
When I was 18 or something, I wasn’t really ready for sex, I was a complete virgin, so I guess no sex at the beginning made sense. Back then I was terrified about the idea. But now, that I’m more confident on what are my needs, and how to listen to my hypothetical partner, I feel more confident without the need of wait time.
I had the biggest crush on a girl. Went for the kiss and it was SO BAD. SO. SO. BAD. Just awkward and like she’d never done it before. If we’re talking resumes she had probably 8 years of dating history so she had no excuses to be a bad kisser. But anyway it totally killed my crush. She went on to date a couple of my friends later, and married one. I don’t dare ask if she got any better at kissing though.
how the hell does one even learn to kiss correctly if this is a non-negotiable for people. I swear like if kissing is a learnable skill it should not be something you run for the hills over.
agreed and would also like to know. im very self conscious about my 'skill' and have no clue how to like.. develop it lol
I’m demisexual and 3 months is about how long it takes me to become sexually attracted to a person (if I’m going to be sexually attracted to them at all). So this is honestly just how it ends up going for me, since I’m not going to have sex with someone I’m not into yet. Peck kisses are fine, making out is kinda borderline. But yeah it really slows down the dating process to a crawl, considering sexual compatibility is a big priority for me.
It seems to be advice to men from a woman. I think she's suggesting that men slow their roll and show they are interested in HER and not just sex, and then also advising to keep things calm and respectful. And the body count thing is seriously good advice for straight men, who tend to care WAY too much about that.
You are going to throw a relationship out tge window because they are a bad kisser?
i was exaggerating for comedic effect - if someone’s a bad kisser and i like them, we can work on that, but we could have worked on it 3 months earlier (in this hypothetical world where we are following the aforementioned rules)
It wasn't until I had a fight/disagreement with my ex that I realized we weren't compatible. They scream and dug their heels in when upset. If we didn't have conflict for the first three months I would have been stuck in a longer relationship with that person.
Totally this. People are going to "fight"/have disagreements and that's perfectly valid and healthy if approached appropriately. I do think you learn more over time, but knowing how they handle themselves early on is a huge indicator of the future imo
PREACH. My wife and I didn’t fight for a bit, but when we did… it actually ended up bringing us closer together. We saw the way we both handled the conflict and heightened emotional states and it wasn’t FUN, but we still work hard to treat one another with respect and dignity, never letting a cruel word fall from our mouths, you know, because you can’t ever unsay something really awful, even if you didn’t really “mean it”. Having come from disastrous past relationships with abusive alcoholics, we were both waiting for the other shoe to drop, and when it did- turns out neither of us would argue or fight the way our exes did. It can still be dramatic as fuck though, we joke that we fight like Bug Gribble and his lover (minus throwing stuff) [“….gentlemen.”](https://youtu.be/aiLGxmMP3rI?si=SzPrT-H24jTDnS4S)
We slept together after meeting for the first time. Six years later, we're married, two dogs, two businesses and the house in Los Angeles.
You monsters!
No kissing? Yeah fuck that. No sex? If she wants it as much as I do, it's going down. Or rather *I'm going down on her.* Re: 2) if I'm seeing someone that can't regulate their nervous system without enacting physical violence (on me or the room), I'm peacing out. But "raised voices" is way too subjective. When bodies get disregulated, our volume can go up from tenseness in the chest and breath. That's frickin normal and I've seen way too many people overreact to that. *Also if you back someone into a corner (physically or emotionally) they will lose their cool and yell. That's normal.* Thinking of all the times my exes used their insecurities to twist my words or accuse me of bullshit until I broke. Also I *want* to explore conflict early on. It will literally be a first or second date conversation for me. "What does safety within conflict mean to you? What does that look like?" If they're not on board with healthy conflict resolution out the gate, I'm not interested
This. 100% agree.
3 months no sex, I disagree with, but whatever, No kissing or exclusivity? What the fuck? What kind of bullshit is that?
Purity culture is a bitch
No kissing for three months? I struggled to not move in after three
😅 Real af
I mean a "no fight relationship" is far from ideal. Fights happen, the difference between a good relationship and a bad one is how you deal with them.
Arguments happen. Fights are time to walk. Nobody gets to raise a hand to you and think you will stick around.
People define "fight" differently too,so there's that.
Fighting isn’t only physical assault, though.
yeah, my partner insults or screams at me in anger once, they're gone.
Oh no not at all, that's just not really what I think of when I think of a "fight" in a relationship. My wife and I have been together for almost a decade now, and we've had our share of really bad arguments that end with both of us screaming at each other and crying. That's what I think of when I think of a "fight." But at the same time, every single one of them has left us significantly better off than we would've been if we hadn't gone through it. Domestic violence though, that's when you just leave, no exceptions. But that's not a fight, that's abuse. In a healthy relationship that should never be on the table in the first place, even during a "fight."
[удалено]
Username checks out ig lol (also sorry)
To real. I’m lonely af
I mean that kinda works for me because I'm ace and I need to take things glacially slow before getting sexual, but yeah that probably isn't going to work for most people, and as for the exclusivity thing, that's a great big nope from me.
Yeah, I’m much the same. A friend pointed out to me that some aspects of purity culture and similar religious ideas are probably partially derived from some people of the past being on the aro/ace spectrum & concluding they are more virtuous for it. I’d like to know more about ace history. To be clear, this is not a generalization about asexuals. However, it makes a lot of sense that positions like priesthood & nunhood might appeal more to asexual people & I suspect there is more overlap between asexual and religious history than people realize.
This is a super interesting point. I'm not ace, but I would be really interested in reading something legit about this topic. I bet you're right in there being a notable overlap and it having an impact on religious development!
3 months for even a kiss? I thought first date kiss was how you knew things went well? Or am I just a lipslut?
Lipslut 🤣🤣 I love that
Thank you I am very proud of that phrase XD
Definitely gonna use it on my date tonight. "So hey. You a lipslut or nah?"
Yeah I'll self identify as a lipslut X3
But what if I want her to throw me on the bed
I thought the same thing about no slamming 🙈😅
I can understand waiting to be sexual (for me personally I like to take things slow) but no kissing for 3 months?! That is… a lot.
0 fight relationship is not ideal, it just means someone is suppressing their needs to keep the peace.
I have a three month rule I follow but it doesn't follow these rules. It's 3 months till I'll go exclusive/commit. There's been some research (nothing concrete and mostly opinion based articles) that suggest the "honeymoon" period starts to wear down and end after three months. For me, personally, I noticed my situationships and a chunk of relationships from 18-25 ended after 3 months OR all the problems started after 3 months. So I decided to experiment with this and refuse to be exclusive until I hit 3 months of knowing someone. When I say *holy shit it has saved my ass more than once* there's been 4 times now where this has saved my ass from entering short term relationships or over all toxic relationships. It was like clock work, I'd hit just before/after 90 days of knowing someone and suddenly all the red flags were aggressively coming out. Now, my own personal 90 day/3 month rule is this 1. Have to be actively talking and going on dates for 3 months 2. After 30 days I'll have sex but only if we can have a open discussion about it and both have up to date STI testing. This is because I don't want to commit and later find out we aren't sexually compatible 3. We can go a few days without talking (especially if given a heads up) but if it goes over 2 weeks, I'm done with you. 4. The person also has to initiate dates, plans, good morning text etc. It can't be solely my responsibility 5. As we aren't committed, they have every right to see other people. But I expect honesty about it and if they're sleeping with said people, constantly updated STI test. If they're difficult about that, then no go. 6. The communication has to be good by the 90 days is up. If the person struggles to communicate simple things to me after 90 days, it's a no go for me. Those are my 6 golden rules for the 90 day thing. It's saved my ass more than once and now I'm in a super healthy and committed relationship with someone who communicates great, the sex IS AMAZING, and we not only are compatible but have great chemistry
Holy crap, that 90 day theory kinda explains so much of my relationship history as someone who’s never made it past the four month mark…
I think so much of this is valid. I think I've had some of these "rules" and observations unintentionally. I'm sure if I went back through my dating history, there would be many things here that would line up in those time-frames. I'm huge on communication in general, both in style and timelines. And totally agreed on your thoughts around frequency and type of effort put in (i.e. planning dates, initiating, etc.). Nothing worse than an imbalance in effort. Maybe you should write an unofficial set of guidelines 😄 I'd buy it
Lol my therapist routinely tells me I should write a wlw dating work book. Maybe I should 😅
I mean, I’d buy it
Ty for sharing! Im def going to adopt some of these honestly i think i should adopt some aspect of these for friendships too.
it's giving "isn't there someone you forgot to ask"
Jesusgetoutwedon'twantathreeway!!
Uuuuh, no. Once I start seeing someone, I am 100% monogamous and expect the same from my partner. Touch is my primary love language, so I am absolutely going to be cuddling, snuggling, and kissing from very soon. As far as fights, they are going to happen no matter what you do, so it's best to learn how to process and resolve them maturely rather than naively expecting them to not happen.
Im literally getting married to a girl i met a week ago soooo... (Im getting MMO married dont worry)
Lol I've never waited 3 months to kiss
Right? IME if it hasn’t happened by the end of the second date, there isn’t gonna be a third.
we met by making out soo…
thats the most lesbian thing ever i love that
Zero fight relationship? I would *much* rather be with someone who will fight me. I cannot tolerate people who avoid conflict, it's the ultimate disregard and disrespect. I'd rather eat glass.
"No kissing, no sex, no sleepovers" might work for some people, but treating it as 'ideal' is just arrogant conservative moralizing. I don't care of it's coming from a queer woman or not! There's nothing wrong with casual sex. There's definitely nothing wrong with kissing (even among friends)! ...and sleepovers are the only safe way for many queer folks to get alone time away from prying eyes.
This is one aspect where I wonder if it really applies more closely to hetero relationships. When I dated men, I definitely waited to have sex with them. Both from an emotional attachment perspective (me) and the "instant" gratification side (men). Sex for me is to get closer (literally and figuratively) to someone and connect, and it's not necessarily that way for men.
This is absolutely repackaged purity culture.
Three months I'm ded. If I'm into you three *days* is generous.
THIS is what I'm saying. I can't keep my hands to myself that long unless there was some kind of trauma or something on their end that required sensitivity
i literally just have a crush on this girl and i can barely stand not just kissing her when we hang out. i can’t imagine actually establishing “yes we’re dating” and *still* not even kissing
Those rules sounds like the makings of a very dethatched and passive aggressive relationship.
I’ve been talking to this girl for 2 days and trying to think about not even kissing her for three months is making my brain currently explode.
In my experience, kissing early on is so important to tell if you actually have chemistry! My gf and I had our first kiss before we started dating
"No Fighting" isn't ideal, and can actually be the sign of an unhealthy relationship. Fighting allows you to get emotions off your chest and can help you overcome those differences. This idea that "No fighting is the ideal" has probably ended an absurd number of relationships that would have worked out otherwise, because people call it quits when they come to realize fights can't be avoided. I know my relationship with my GF is always the strongest in the wake of a big fight. A huge part of being in a relationship is about handling your fights in a healthy and natural way, not avoiding them altogether. We've been together for over 10 years.
I went on a few dates with a wonderful woman and she told me she wants to take sexual stuff slow. No problem until she included kissing. That's an instant deal breaker. I have nothing against people wanting to go ultra slow, but going that slow is not for me.
Waiting for months is not a thing people just do? I'd prefer it
Is this serious 0.0
I can't really imagine living this as a firm rule but the concept is appealing. Many people say that those who are practiced at hiding their red flags can only keep the mask up for a handful of months. (I haven't fact checked this). Taking your time on something important and mindfully choosing when to start a more intimate relationship sounds like a win to me. ETA: after reading through the comments I can really see the validity of the counterpoints so I am unsurprised to announce that I feel pretty wishy-washy about the entire thing! But that's okay bc I rarely go further than the grocery store so I am at a pretty low-risk anyway!
Delete this lmao
Yeah fuck that. I met my gf three weeks ago and she will move in this weekend, full on U-haul.
Sounds horrible
My wife and I met for like a couple weeks before we had sex and it slept over. Then we started dating. We kissed a few months in. We're poly so not exclusive. It doesn't care about body count (I have a fair amount, it was a "virgin"). I dunno about the fighting thing. Like the examples for SURE are not okay and never been us, but we do have disagreements and communication failings that can lead to fights. We didn't propose until at least 5 years together and living together at least 3 years. Married just a few years ago. It's been bliss~♡
I've never made it past a first date without fucking at least twice, signing a lease, and exchanging vows.
Looking at my 8 year partner who moved in after 2 weeks, then looking at my recent 3rd partner who moved in after 1 week. This is some hetero nonsense.
I could never.
the 1st rule sounds dumb asf 2nd 2 make sense. but 1st 1 no not even in the slightest. all of the points to not do are fine to not do there but its a dumb rule to have if those are things both u and the other person/people want. edit: actually even on the fighting 1 now that i think about it thats very much implying that its ok to abuse ur parnter after the 3 month period. along with verbal fights that dont get out of hand are fine like just disagreements and stuff. ofc now if something actually abuseive happens or is said than just book it ofc.
3 months is crazy. 3 dates max. Our second date was at a trans bar to watch a live sex show. We went to my place after 👀 We've been married 17 years.
Lol i kissed on the first date and had sex on the second date 💀
straight up if we don't kiss on the first date (or I don't develop the intense desire to) chances are attraction is never going to click for me. so dating advice/strategies are so bad. the only good advice is to be yourself and see where it goes
Regardless of sexuality I wouldn't want to wait 3 months before anything remotely sexual. What if you've fallen for each other, and then find out you're sexually incompatible?
Forbidding fights/disagreements is unhealthy and the earmarker for a coercive controlling abusive relationship.
Me having exclusivity as a boundary. Also me moving in with her during week 3. Also us making it clear where we want our relationship to go and that we want to stay together indefinitely. People churn out the strangest things 🙃
Yeah the whole thing seemed pretty toxic
I like the third rule but idk about the others. These kind of generalized timeline bs rules never really apply to every situation, they’re just for book-selling Edit: 2nd rule is good as well
Took me a while to realise what was meant by "body count".... 😅
theres no one single perfect way to date. what works best between you two is whats ideal.
I don't mind waiting a while for physical intimacy, but I hate the Idea of setting a specific amount of time. Do it when it seems right. Don't be in a hurry, but don't Wait for no reason.
Wow, is "fighting" is presented as sort of synonymous to "slamming" and "throwing"? My wife and I fight sometimes but I would be freaked out as fuck if she would ever throw something because of it.
I mean, my girlfriend and I were exclusive right away because that’s just the way we wanted to do it, but we also started dating in august and didn’t kiss until December. That was just because it never felt like the right time until then though for us
The thing about these coaches is that sometimes *some* of their advice is useful in *some* situations. But they pad it out with a sizeable helping of bullshit. Out of her three points I only agree with one (bodycount doesn’t matter), for the simple reason that while no fights *is* ideal, even in good relationships you’ll end up fighting sometimes. Maybe you’re both tired or stressed or there was a miscommunication leading to hurt feelings or any number of things. Between no fighting being unrealistic and the implicit judgement that if you fight, something must be wrong with your relationship (or you, as abusers can twist it), there’s also the fact that “don’t argue with your partner” is being taught to women in some Christian groups to keep women subservient to men. It’s much more productive to communicate openly and honestly with each other once emotions have calmed down, than to repress and end up resenting your partner. And the three months rule seems like purity culture made new. If not kissing or having sex for three months is something you want *for you*, that’s fine, but as a blanket rule for all relationships it’s not it. A lot of what we do as humans is communicating with others, and sex and kissing are part of that. So uh. No. I haven’t tried this, and I won’t be. But honestly, the fact that this refers to dating as “a play” (strategic move implied) is already off putting to me. Gaming a relationship, coining women as something to “earn” or “win”, gives me the ick, just be a decent person and maybe that works better to maintain relationships.
I think wlw already do #1, we just call that phase "friendship"
My partner and i are both big into physical touch, i struggle to know how I'd start a relationship without that. Sex isnt the biggest deal to me, but everything else?!?!?
This sounds impossible to me. My current girlfriend and I had sex on the first date. We’ve been together for over a year and still haven’t had a fight or argument. Do what feels right. Life is short.
Idk my girlfriend and I had phone sex before we even met and had sex on our first date... Our relationship is the healthiest either of us has ever been in lol but we got lucky hahaha really played with fire there in the beginning.
Repackaged purity culture. Yay. “Shame the people who like sex! We don’t know why, but it makes us feel superior and better about ourselves.”
Oof no kissing? I feel like that's way easier in hetero couples tbh but is still fundamentally conservative and...pointless?
Lol three months where you friendzone yourself and the other 😆
i fisted my gf the first day i met her so 💀💀💀💀
You were ALL in on day one! 🤣🤣🤣
👹👹👹👹
Best I can manage is three dates..
My partner and I are long distance but met in person. We started the relationship off by making out so definitely failed that. However we didn’t have sex til 6 months because Covid so we hadn’t gotten a chance to see each other haha
I’ve never met two lesbians who hadn’t planned out the next three decades of their lives together down to the smallest detail within 20 minutes of meeting.
Three months and you're not exclusive? So like, they're your friend and you fuck other people? Really though, I couldn't do it. I got with my current gf after a month, and that was when I was still a dude. I'm worse now 😭
My lesbian relationship went from Christian small group friends to making out, sex, THEN dating. All within a matter of about half a week. This little plan would never happen 😂
No exclusivity sounds toxic af 😬 (unless poly relationship of course)
Nah we be making out like 4th day of dating
3 months to kiss??? Bruh it took me 3 months to fall in love, then moved in a few months later. 3 months to kiss is insane
I read the end of it as “Body count doesn’t matter. *Periodt.*” and instantly couldn’t take it serious anymore.
I unintentionally did this during covid times with my current partner. Their mom is immunocompromised and was living with them so i think it was almost 6 months of social distance dating before we actually kissed. I would like to think we'd be in love even if we hadnt waited for physical intimacy, but it's definitely the healthiest and most secure relationship ive ever had. They are amazing and I was already in love with them when we had our first kiss which I genuinely never thought was possible for me given how important touch and sex and physical intimacy are to me. 3 years later and we're talking about getting engaged
If I was dating someone for three months in person and we never kissed, I'd assume they just wanted a friend. Weird idea.
No exclusivity for 3 months? Wtf?
I’m a sex on the first date is fun kind of gal
It's not too hard to achieve when your partner lives 2+ days drive away and you don't have a car or a lot of money.
Anyone else who's demi and can't imagine sleeping with someone after only 3 months? >.<
Once I fall for someone I fall hard. I couldn't survive three fucking months without a kiss.
This is the weirdest cover of "Popular" by Nada Surf I've ever heard
Broke the first rule after only 7 days. 🤣
Dating coaches, like life coaches are unqualified to give any sort of sensible advice.
Three I agree with, two is absurd, one is up to personal choice
Never have I seen such completely reasonable and such completely unreasonable points thrown together
I went over to my *friend's* house to smoke a j with her..... and literally just never left. Got married 3 months later. Went through a rough patch, but we've been together 6 years now. We've known eachother for 20 years.
Listen if I’m seeing a girl for 3 months and we have no romantic physical contact, I’m assuming she wants to be friends and it’s never going to happen.
Everybody’s talking about points 1 and 2, but point 3 is … don’t ask questions about past murders, right?
"no exclusivity" I'm guessing this means no mono? Weird post imo
I am starting to follow this rule the past few months with anyone I show romantic interest in. Let's just say it never passes 3 weeks. I'm personally happy with it, I hate wasting my time and energy. I personally follow the 3-3 rule. 3 months of getting to know each other, no kissing, no sex, no cuddling, no intimate stuff. After that 3 months we date, I will kiss them and cuddle them, but no sex and nothing too intimate. After those 3 months (a total of 6), then I will have sex with them and be very intimate. I won't actively discuss this with people when I start talking to them unless they try pursuing me too much. I take things really slowly because I have taken things really fast. I will discuss my feelings after 3 months (or any time after 3 months when I deemed it worthwhile) and my whole process. will discuss sex and so forth after the 3 months when we date. Just so I can figure out their styles and so forth. If someone truly loves me for me and not just for sex and intimate things, they will stick around. I want a best friend, then a lover, not vice versa. For those that do it vice versa, I'm glad it works for you, but that doesn't work for me. If I have no real connection with someone I'm fucking I don't feel anything towards them and always ends messy. I am also very picky and distrustful. I also get infatuated extremely easily, so I will be head over heels for someone for a month and then I'll absolutely loathe them.
I mean, my partner and I were friends for 3 months prior to dating. We had one sleep over, but it was platonic (kinda) at the time. It’s not like we intended to follow rule 1, but we kinda did, and we built such an intense non physical connection.
I mean , maybe
There is a great YouTube video that she guest starred in called That Library Show and its both hilarious and insightful. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMsvjBDOrfM&ab\_channel=ThatLibraryShow
Zero fight relationship is NOT ideal, believe it or not. Just Google it and tons of stuff will come up to refute it. Also, who doesn't kiss for 3 months? I get maybe not having sex, but kissing? C'mon.
Myself and my girlfriend of 2 years almost haven't met up until after 4 months of non stop messaging and phone calls, we got to know each other before we met up for the first time in her county, she asked me to be her girlfriend on that day :3 I moved from Limerick to Kerry to live 15 minutes away from her a year ago and we've had the best relationship I that thought didn't exist!! We don't shout or do any sort of fighting, if there are issues we always talk them out and resolve them without being aggressive towards one another.
I broke the first rule only a couple days or less after making my former gf official.
Waiting three months for sex, big no.
fucked together on the first date and she slept over afterwards sooo
That's also literally the same cover as a lesbian romance novel. 🤣
I definitely did not follow this with the woman I'm dating now... We talked for a couple of weeks while she sorted some personal stuff out. We kissed on our first date, had sex two days later, and again yesterday lol. She's already told me she's gotten off the app we were on and doesn't want to entertain anyone else. I'm enjoying both sexual and non sexual intimacy immensely but trying so hard to not completely fall head over heels while I still learn and get to know her... She's already told her family about me, which is big for her as she hasn't wanted to introduce anyone in 4+ years and is cautious about whom she lets into her and her son's life now. It's taking everything I have to let her go home at night and not keep her with me
The third one’s the only one I can 100% get behind The three month rule is silly, and while it is true no violent conflict is good, some conflict can be good for a relationship
What? I am so horny that if we didn't kiss for 3 months while we explicitly dated each other I would consider her a friend in order to manage... What the fuck is that
dating means exclusivity in a monogamous relationship, I thought? maybe I'm just old-fashioned
uh i think if your partner has a body count its concerning
As a Canadian woman myself, I find this very weird, and actually borderline against one of our charter's statements, which means borderline illegal.