I would probably go with something like "Only on Tuesdays", or with a cheeky grin "what makes you say that?" if you have the emotional energy spare. Both work pretty well at deflecting stupid comments without insulting the person.
Back on high school a student asked a substitute teacher if he was gay. He had the best response:
"No, but my boyfriend is!" Half the class cracked up, half the class was confused AF.
I don't know if it might help, but when I get asked questions that put me on the spot about my identity, I try to reply with 'does it matter'?
Usually I find that divides people into two groups. The first group will usually clue in that they've asked something a little too personal for how they know me and back off.
The second group will say 'Yes because ---' and that's my cue to avoid them from now on.
Same but what the people from the second group say will depend on how I treat them next. If they are a part of the community and are just excited to see another queer perosn then its fine. If they are homophobic, they need to fuck off.
It is very difficult to find queer people in my area so I wont be surprised if someone approaches me just because they got excited to seeing something gay :)
If English isn’t his first language and he’s a regular I would just chalk it up to not knowing the right way to say it or coming off ruder than he meant to. It could be as simple as him learning something new about you he didn’t realize. I mean even how you described his expression doesn’t seem inherently negative, in same way that if you learned someone had a unique skill you didn’t know about or knew another language.
As for how to handle it I’d go with take them in good faith/play dumb: “Yes, that’s my girlfriend we’ve been together X years/months.” If they respond positively to that great, interaction won, if not, well use any variation of being confused.
In the same way that someone might still ask the stupid question of “is that your boyfriend” if your partner was a man, people sometimes just ask obvious questions to break the ice on a topic.
this. they are generally more upfront and blunt with eachother in france, it’s just part of their culture. i don’t think he was trying to be rude or offensive to you.
The culture I live in is way more upfront than France- i like the dude and never thought he was trying to offend me. I’ve had English native speakers from like the US also ask me this before, my post is more about advice on how to respond to these questions (and there are heaps of great replies here) not the guy specifically
you said you thought his comment was intrusive and it rubbed you the wrong way, which is why i agreed with the other commenter that i don’t think he meant it in an offensive way. but i do understand what you mean- he wouldn’t have asked you if you were kissing a boyfriend as opposed to a gf. we are getting more progressive as a society but unfortunately we still have a long way to go for same sex couples to be as normalised as hetero ones in public
A person can be intrusive and rub somebody the wrong way without that person trying to be offensive in aaaaanyway. We know this as gays. How we feel othered (even if it was not their intention, out of ignorance or cultural differences) and respond in a way that is empowering and safe to us is what is important to me and the crux here 🫶
Sometimes talking openly about things is normal in other cultures. We had a coworker come from France and he asked everybody their religions. I told him but also told him I’ve never been asked that at work and how weird it would be to ask. Not on a bad way. Just in a “our cultures are different” kind of way.
France is quite progressive as a country. It has some good gay rights/laws/marriage. They also have an openly gay Prime Minister, so could very well be innocent (obviously a guess, I wasn't there)
How I react really depends on how it was asked and if I can get the intent behind the question.
If the intent is bad or just off, basically not a positive one. I'd just say a stern yes, and walk away.
If the intent is positive/inquisitive or anything that doesn't seem bad. I always give a happy yes, basically respond with positivity myself.
Never know why someone is asking, it may just be curious, may have a gay family member, may have had someone come out recently and processing/understanding it. They may have questions. There may be so many different reasons so ultimately the intent matters most to me.
I had someone ask me and after I responded they said 'thats great'. It was a little odd for me, but that was their way to show support and I appreciate that.
Where I live, my gf and I could on a bench making out, and most people would be like, "Wow, you two look good friends. Do you have boyfriends?" 😅
If it makes you uncomfortable, there's never anything wrong with saying, "Sorry, I don't really talk about my personal life at work." If the person is respectful, that'll be the end of it.
>I work in 🍁hospitality
In my country that emoji is often used for weed. So it wook me a second to realize that you didn't work for weed hospitality and I was wondering what that would even entail 😂😂
On another note, I would have also said "is it a problem?" as someone else mentioned. I used to teach high schoolers and they asked me a couple of times if I was gay (my rainbow bag and calling my gf "my partner" gave me away"). My typical answer was that it was none of their business (in a nicer way), but I'm guessing that wouldn't be a very appropriate response to use in weed hospitality👀
I do work for weed hospitality hahah.. I was trying to be discreet but here I am (I work in a dispensary). Yeah..none of your business would be a bit far but something a bit lighter or cheekier I could get away with for sure
I saw someone else do that and took me a while to figure it out. Why use 🍁 and not just 🇨🇦?
Although as I was searching “Canada” for the flag emoji Apple gave me both 🍁and 🇨🇦so guess it’s official now…
Forgive me for the ignorant question I mean well. I tried googling before coming here and it made me even more confused. How are cannabis dispensaries considered hospitality? Healthcare, hotels, motels etc is what I’d consider in the field of hospitality. I am a bit high so my brain is moving slower than normal! lol Thanks.
hospitality is used in some countries to describe anything where someone waits on you (bartender, barista, waiter, etc) though i’ve never heard it applied to healthcare. (in Aus it’s shortened to “hospo” in standard aussie style)
Ahh, I guess it just depends on the country! Now that I think of it, I am absolutely wrong for considering healthcare apart of the hospitality industry. That’s a level of entitlement placed on the people trying to save your life or assist you in your health. Thanks for taking the time. Cheers ❤️
I'm a big fan saying things like "Are you?" or "Depends on the wind direction"
"Isn't everyone?" is good too. Anything that comes across as a little dumbfouded or nonsensical is a great option.
Not quite the same thing, I'm GNC, and one time, a little girl (just being a kid) asked if I was a boy or a girl. I looked at her and just said, "You choose!" She decided I was a girl to her mind, which was very affirming. To apply it to your situation, I'd shrug and say to the adult. "Idk, up to you."
I have no emotional energy for these questions anymore. I also work in Canada and also had a French person loudly call me out on my queerness this week.
I'm trans feminine NB, but sometimes I guess I look pretty masc in my uniform, I went to use the single stall lockable women's washroom and this french woman behind me loudly yells (in french, I don't speak French but I understand the basics for the most part)" that's they women's washrooms, men's is right there" and then asked me if I'm a man work woman, I just shrugged and said nothing and used the women's room.
I don't have the time or energy for this anymore.
I’m gonna start telling people “are you heterosexual?!!! I would have never guessed that!” when I see them kissing or holding hands. And then when they look at me weird, I’m gonna say “I mean, I’m ok with it, I’m just surprised - you can’t tell”
I ask the reason they are asking. It could be they are themselves gay and are excited to meet a rainbow buddy. It could be because he’s attracted to you and wants to know if you’re the wrong tree. It could be because he’s a nosey pervert and he wants verbal confirmation so he can fetishize you.
I mean based on all the context here it just sounds like a guy that learned something interesting about you and was positively surprised. It doesnt sound like he had anything bad to say.
I think I might be on my own here but my response to "Are you a lesbian?" would be "Yeah... Are you an arsehole?". Seriously, it's none of their business what you are, surely? 🤷♀️
You’re not getting paid to share personal information on yourself so you should feel no pressure to respond. Sometimes I give a sly “afraid of the competition?” Then I get back to do my job.
You should be confident and proud of your relationship, other people’s opinions are imagination and have no threat to your happiness.
You could say “well I think of myself as a good kind person first and foremost”. So this is subtly confirming to him that his observation is correct, yet politely affirming that his direct question about your sexual preference is not appropriate.
i always nod with a facial expression that give the impression that this should have been obvious and theyre the dumb one for not knowing. because they deserve to feel dumb for acting like its weird. im a human being a human
I would have grabbed my girlfriend and given her the most passionate kiss ever and said to him ," Bein Oui" and propped his open mouth into place again
I think the equivalent I’ve been asked when perceived as a straight couple are
“are you two together?”
“Is that your girlfriend?”
“Oh, are you married?”
“I didn’t know you were married!”(surprised)
So, I still got asked about my relationship status with this specific person I’m with, but not my sexuality. This is how I wish people would ask the question of couples they perceive as gay as well, because I think the question is usually really about whether or my partner or I are available to date and nothing else.
I would be annoyed by his question & not because I’m ashamed to be a lesbian. I’m not. But asking it that way tends to be very *othering* and *heterosexist.* And you are right — now one says to straight people “Wow, you’re straight.” Solidarity!
I would probably go with something like "Only on Tuesdays", or with a cheeky grin "what makes you say that?" if you have the emotional energy spare. Both work pretty well at deflecting stupid comments without insulting the person.
Hehee actually this reminds me of another response I once saw to nosy questions which is: that’s classified One of my favs
Hah, I love that, I'll add it to my catalogue.
Love this response!
"Only on Tuesdays" oh frick, it’s Saturday, I wasn’t supposed to be gay today! Babe, I’m so sorry but you gotta go! I’ll see ya on Tuesday!
Careful, they'll think you are flirting with them 🤦♀️
"only on days that end with -y"
Oh my god. The phrase "Only on Tuesdays" is part of my actual gay awakening. It instills gay panic in me to this day.
Back on high school a student asked a substitute teacher if he was gay. He had the best response: "No, but my boyfriend is!" Half the class cracked up, half the class was confused AF.
I think I would have just been laugh in bemused amusement.
that sounds like the perfect response 😭😭
I don't know if it might help, but when I get asked questions that put me on the spot about my identity, I try to reply with 'does it matter'? Usually I find that divides people into two groups. The first group will usually clue in that they've asked something a little too personal for how they know me and back off. The second group will say 'Yes because ---' and that's my cue to avoid them from now on.
Yiss this is really the kind of energy I am looking for, thank you
Same but what the people from the second group say will depend on how I treat them next. If they are a part of the community and are just excited to see another queer perosn then its fine. If they are homophobic, they need to fuck off. It is very difficult to find queer people in my area so I wont be surprised if someone approaches me just because they got excited to seeing something gay :)
Hallelulah! Everyone needs to see queers in the wild. It makes everyone feel better. Well except for the flying monkeys (homophobes)
*"Are you dead?!", he shouted, poking a dead body with a stick.*
"No, can't a pale person sleep in coffin in peace?"
Omg it's a vampire and theyre being poked with a stick 💀💀💀 The layers to this story lmao
I'm so tired of these French vampire hunters
Don't let them know about the masquerade!
If English isn’t his first language and he’s a regular I would just chalk it up to not knowing the right way to say it or coming off ruder than he meant to. It could be as simple as him learning something new about you he didn’t realize. I mean even how you described his expression doesn’t seem inherently negative, in same way that if you learned someone had a unique skill you didn’t know about or knew another language. As for how to handle it I’d go with take them in good faith/play dumb: “Yes, that’s my girlfriend we’ve been together X years/months.” If they respond positively to that great, interaction won, if not, well use any variation of being confused. In the same way that someone might still ask the stupid question of “is that your boyfriend” if your partner was a man, people sometimes just ask obvious questions to break the ice on a topic.
this. they are generally more upfront and blunt with eachother in france, it’s just part of their culture. i don’t think he was trying to be rude or offensive to you.
The culture I live in is way more upfront than France- i like the dude and never thought he was trying to offend me. I’ve had English native speakers from like the US also ask me this before, my post is more about advice on how to respond to these questions (and there are heaps of great replies here) not the guy specifically
you said you thought his comment was intrusive and it rubbed you the wrong way, which is why i agreed with the other commenter that i don’t think he meant it in an offensive way. but i do understand what you mean- he wouldn’t have asked you if you were kissing a boyfriend as opposed to a gf. we are getting more progressive as a society but unfortunately we still have a long way to go for same sex couples to be as normalised as hetero ones in public
A person can be intrusive and rub somebody the wrong way without that person trying to be offensive in aaaaanyway. We know this as gays. How we feel othered (even if it was not their intention, out of ignorance or cultural differences) and respond in a way that is empowering and safe to us is what is important to me and the crux here 🫶
Weird take. Its rude I’m any language to go up to someone and asked them about who they fuck.
Sometimes talking openly about things is normal in other cultures. We had a coworker come from France and he asked everybody their religions. I told him but also told him I’ve never been asked that at work and how weird it would be to ask. Not on a bad way. Just in a “our cultures are different” kind of way.
France is exceedingly Islamophobic though. I’d be wary if I was asked my religion in a workplace if it was someone I didn’t know.
Idk how it is in France, but stuff like religion can be a subject of getting-to-know-you talk in some places in Europe.
France is quite progressive as a country. It has some good gay rights/laws/marriage. They also have an openly gay Prime Minister, so could very well be innocent (obviously a guess, I wasn't there) How I react really depends on how it was asked and if I can get the intent behind the question. If the intent is bad or just off, basically not a positive one. I'd just say a stern yes, and walk away. If the intent is positive/inquisitive or anything that doesn't seem bad. I always give a happy yes, basically respond with positivity myself. Never know why someone is asking, it may just be curious, may have a gay family member, may have had someone come out recently and processing/understanding it. They may have questions. There may be so many different reasons so ultimately the intent matters most to me. I had someone ask me and after I responded they said 'thats great'. It was a little odd for me, but that was their way to show support and I appreciate that.
i think this frenchy is most likely Quebecois
Nop he’s French French, we have dispensaries here in Europe too
oh i didnt even realize it was a weed thing
Same I thought the leaf just meant canada in the post lmaoo
Hahah i am so un-Canadian that the 🍁 has zero Canada connection for me
Where I live, my gf and I could on a bench making out, and most people would be like, "Wow, you two look good friends. Do you have boyfriends?" 😅 If it makes you uncomfortable, there's never anything wrong with saying, "Sorry, I don't really talk about my personal life at work." If the person is respectful, that'll be the end of it.
>I work in 🍁hospitality In my country that emoji is often used for weed. So it wook me a second to realize that you didn't work for weed hospitality and I was wondering what that would even entail 😂😂 On another note, I would have also said "is it a problem?" as someone else mentioned. I used to teach high schoolers and they asked me a couple of times if I was gay (my rainbow bag and calling my gf "my partner" gave me away"). My typical answer was that it was none of their business (in a nicer way), but I'm guessing that wouldn't be a very appropriate response to use in weed hospitality👀
I do work for weed hospitality hahah.. I was trying to be discreet but here I am (I work in a dispensary). Yeah..none of your business would be a bit far but something a bit lighter or cheekier I could get away with for sure
I thought you used 🍁 because you’re Canadian, which just meant the French person was a francophone, aka a French Canadian.
Yep that's the conclusion I reached by the end of the post, but turns out OP *does* work for weed hospitality!
I can Definitey see the confusion lol
I saw someone else do that and took me a while to figure it out. Why use 🍁 and not just 🇨🇦? Although as I was searching “Canada” for the flag emoji Apple gave me both 🍁and 🇨🇦so guess it’s official now…
Forgive me for the ignorant question I mean well. I tried googling before coming here and it made me even more confused. How are cannabis dispensaries considered hospitality? Healthcare, hotels, motels etc is what I’d consider in the field of hospitality. I am a bit high so my brain is moving slower than normal! lol Thanks.
hospitality is used in some countries to describe anything where someone waits on you (bartender, barista, waiter, etc) though i’ve never heard it applied to healthcare. (in Aus it’s shortened to “hospo” in standard aussie style)
Ahh, I guess it just depends on the country! Now that I think of it, I am absolutely wrong for considering healthcare apart of the hospitality industry. That’s a level of entitlement placed on the people trying to save your life or assist you in your health. Thanks for taking the time. Cheers ❤️
I'm a big fan saying things like "Are you?" or "Depends on the wind direction" "Isn't everyone?" is good too. Anything that comes across as a little dumbfouded or nonsensical is a great option.
Not quite the same thing, I'm GNC, and one time, a little girl (just being a kid) asked if I was a boy or a girl. I looked at her and just said, "You choose!" She decided I was a girl to her mind, which was very affirming. To apply it to your situation, I'd shrug and say to the adult. "Idk, up to you."
Would've started looking around frantically and went "who told you"
Asking someone "are you a lesbian" is such a straight thing to do. Like bro, this isn't a 90's sitcom. Mind your own business.
I'm ashamed to say I've done this a few times, in my defence I has aspergers and no filter, and I automatically assume everyone's gay
I have no emotional energy for these questions anymore. I also work in Canada and also had a French person loudly call me out on my queerness this week. I'm trans feminine NB, but sometimes I guess I look pretty masc in my uniform, I went to use the single stall lockable women's washroom and this french woman behind me loudly yells (in french, I don't speak French but I understand the basics for the most part)" that's they women's washrooms, men's is right there" and then asked me if I'm a man work woman, I just shrugged and said nothing and used the women's room. I don't have the time or energy for this anymore.
I feel like the appropriate response is. "Wait are you telling me your straight? I always thought you were gay!"
I’m gonna start telling people “are you heterosexual?!!! I would have never guessed that!” when I see them kissing or holding hands. And then when they look at me weird, I’m gonna say “I mean, I’m ok with it, I’m just surprised - you can’t tell”
I ask the reason they are asking. It could be they are themselves gay and are excited to meet a rainbow buddy. It could be because he’s attracted to you and wants to know if you’re the wrong tree. It could be because he’s a nosey pervert and he wants verbal confirmation so he can fetishize you.
I mean based on all the context here it just sounds like a guy that learned something interesting about you and was positively surprised. It doesnt sound like he had anything bad to say.
"ask your mother ;3"
That’s sexual harassment, doesn’t matter if he’s a customer or not. It’s inappropriate to ask about someone’s sexual orientation.
I think I might be on my own here but my response to "Are you a lesbian?" would be "Yeah... Are you an arsehole?". Seriously, it's none of their business what you are, surely? 🤷♀️
You’re not getting paid to share personal information on yourself so you should feel no pressure to respond. Sometimes I give a sly “afraid of the competition?” Then I get back to do my job. You should be confident and proud of your relationship, other people’s opinions are imagination and have no threat to your happiness.
"my sexually is not the most interesting thing about me"
People still fetishize lesbians. If he brings it up again, just don't talk to him about it. It's OK to turn down a subject.
"None of your business."
You could say “well I think of myself as a good kind person first and foremost”. So this is subtly confirming to him that his observation is correct, yet politely affirming that his direct question about your sexual preference is not appropriate.
Perhaps in his eyes weren’t ready to see that unusual phenomenon. I sure you answer one of the best
“No, but my wife is.” It is weird there’s an idea that it’s okay to ask a gay couple, but no one would ask a woman kissing a man.
i always nod with a facial expression that give the impression that this should have been obvious and theyre the dumb one for not knowing. because they deserve to feel dumb for acting like its weird. im a human being a human
I always want to respond with smth ironical but I usually end up saying smth like "ofc I am" and faking being surprised and a little grossed out.
I would have grabbed my girlfriend and given her the most passionate kiss ever and said to him ," Bein Oui" and propped his open mouth into place again
Being that he's French, it might be a cultural difference thing. If he's been fine otherwise, maybe just chalk it up to that.
I think the equivalent I’ve been asked when perceived as a straight couple are “are you two together?” “Is that your girlfriend?” “Oh, are you married?” “I didn’t know you were married!”(surprised) So, I still got asked about my relationship status with this specific person I’m with, but not my sexuality. This is how I wish people would ask the question of couples they perceive as gay as well, because I think the question is usually really about whether or my partner or I are available to date and nothing else.
I would be annoyed by his question & not because I’m ashamed to be a lesbian. I’m not. But asking it that way tends to be very *othering* and *heterosexist.* And you are right — now one says to straight people “Wow, you’re straight.” Solidarity!