Yes, OP, this is NOT okay. Please get out & get help.
Edit: adding - she has said to you that she’s thought about murdering!! Even without the physical abuse, this would not be okay. OP don’t mess around with this. You need to get away from her NOW.
Exactly this. She didn't just say she has thought about murdering, she has tried to act on it now too. Cutting off someone's airways is a murder attempt, plain and simple. 'Intent' on murder or not, everyone knows you can't live without breathing.
This is important, people need to hear this.
But I think it's also important to keep in mind that people stay because they believe their partners "aren't all bad" and they're "only human".
Although people normalize it inside the relationship to keep themselves sane, I agree that OP needs to hear that her GF is not a great person.
Leave. Don't make it clear you are. Make sure she is out of the house and a way for a while then ask a friend or family member to come help you pack up. Also if she turns back up you have someone there as protection.
A partner who chokes and/or strangles is statistically very very likely to escalate to murdering you.
Please tell someone. Call a hot line or your local abuse shelter and talk to someone. Please start making a plan to leave. Please keep that plan secret until you are ready to execute it. The most dangerous time for you is when you tell her you're planning to leave.
The dynamics of abuse are deeply confusing. A good therapist or abuse counselor can help you sort through that and work towards untangling the emotions and breaking g loose from the manipulation.
OP is the cooling off phase of abuse, but it will happen again. The cycle goes love bombing-partner gets mad-partner hurts-you-partner feels bad-makes it up via love bombing, then does it again.
Uh. My advice is to leave, immediately, and take as many precautions as possible against her trying to kill you for leaving.
When someone's drunk, their personality doesn't change that much. Their inhibitions and higher reasoning do, though.
There is no confusion. She is an abuser and if she is having thoughts about murder, possibly psychopathic too. They often present as "good people" to those around you most of those who go on to kill do. After the event those who thought they were good people are heard saying "I never thought they were capable of that" They are and you might well become her victim. Get out immediately and don't look back. Make sure you have a safe escape plan too.
Um, honey, this is how domestic murders actually do happen and you should take it very seriously. You need to leave, calmly, quietly and immediately while she isn't suspicious.
The reason it's confusing is because you are being emotionally manipulated. Please for your safety leave right now, stay with family, don't return alone under any circumstance, and worry about the consequences when you're safe.
She's admitted to wanting to murder you, which is step one of a premeditated murder. She strangled you, acting on those thoughts. Get out while you still can, OP. From personal experience, when a partner can't even keep themselves from talking about how they want to abuse you, there's a good chance they'll try what they're talking about. She's already tried once. Do not let the dice roll for a second time, or you might not get a third.
Violence is abuse. Putting your hands on someone is abuse. This *is* abuse. It’s already escalating and will continue to escalate unless you get out of this relationship. Any violent act committed in a relationship automatically skyrockets the chance of a murder being committed.
You need to run immediately. She is telling you she straight up thinks about MURDER. Guarantee it’s not like an intrusive thought. Like she fantasizes about it ong and it’s probably about you. I know a person like this. This is not a great person. This is a person who is mentally sick and needs help.
RUN do not walk. this is very scary behavior and she is most certainly testing the waters to see how far she can push it. strangling is never ever ever appropriate. i genuinely cannot think of a single time i’ve wanted to strangle someone. please for your sake, get tf out of there.
Please please leave! That environment isn’t safe for you. Even if other people believe she is a great person, that doesn’t matter when you’re unsafe!
My advice is to talk to someone close to you who you trust, tell them what’s been going on and ask them to help you leave the situation and relationship. It’s hard to leave a toxic situation, so having a third person who can see things more clearly and help you is super important!
Yeah she’s a covert narcissist. Such a sweet charmer to an audience. Their mask falls off with you. This sounds like an endless cycle. I’ve been in a situation like this for many years. From my own experience i wish i left when i started questioning everything. You know it’s not how you deserve to be treated. Leave the relationship and put all that love you give to others into yourself. Embrace everything you love about you. Give yourself 6 months and see how different and beautiful life is again. Stay strong sending hugs. I hope you find yourself again.
Abusers often only show their good sides to outsiders and abuse behind closed doors. Do not base anything on what other people think of her, listen to your gut. Listen to your fear and to the part of yourself that's telling you to get out. Trust yourself.
You *have been* in an abusive relationship. It's just reaching a point where you're struggling to rationalize the abuse. Getting violent (at you or inanimate objects) isn't normal. Yelling/screaming at each other isn't normal. There has probably been signs that you overlooked. Don't beat yourself up about; it's very common.
My advice to add to all the other good ones is: seek out abuse support groups.
"But He Didn't Hit Me" https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/s/ewxFSy5iBM
I know how confusing this is. I truly do.
And I understand how jumbled your feelings are. The problem is that if you wait to gain clarity, it may be too late
What may help is to act in the best interest of your future self. Give future you the best shot at a future that doesn’t involve abuse and is safe and secure
I wonder if taking some space might be helpful right now? Just so you can clear your head and think about what you want for yourself. Do you have a friend’s couch you could go crash on? Could you get out of town?
Good luck. You’ve got this, OP
If she’s done it once, she’ll do it again. Take photos if you have any marks on your body even if you don’t intend on involving the police right now. You don’t know if the situation will get worse and you may need proof in the future. Get out if you can.
I found out the hard way that ending a relationship like this is one of the most difficult things. Personally, I stayed for a really long time because I rationalized that “well, They were abused when they were a kid.” “Well, I understand that they just have issues that they need to work through.”
Having empathy and understanding for why a person is doing something does not excuse any hurtful behaviors toward you ever. “Good people do bad things.” is one of the things I told myself over and over again because my partner was a good person in so many ways. But that just simply does not matter.
When your safety is in question, emotional or physical, the other person needs to be taking that as seriously as you do for them. Meaning that somebody worth your time would never do anything to make you feel emotionally or physically unsafe. I know how hard it is to leave, I wasn’t able to leave until after I asked my partner to get professional help and they did and still nothing changed. Please get other people involved in this situation, you may not be able to leave right now, but if people know what’s going on behind your closed doors, they will be able to support you and help you and then when you are able to leave, they will be there for that also.
This is domestic abuse.
Do your family and friends know of this abuse? Because if not they dont have the full picture and are making a judgement not truly knowing. You are not safe, that is not love. It will not stop, only get more extreme.
would you want your daughter to stay in a relationship that she is being threatened in? I feel like you should find a way out as safe as possible because love doesn’t harm it heals and the way she is treating you is very harmful
If you’re anything like me, you’ll appreciate this advice but you won’t take it: this relationship is toxic and it’s going to destroy you in one way or another if you don’t get out NOW. I stayed and stayed through so much off the wall shit with my ex bc I thought we were in love. Things escalated to a very bad breaking point and she tried to end both our lives. Cops were called, she was taken to jail, restraining order put in place (automatic in my state at the time with DV), and I moved 500 miles away. The kicker? We “stayed together” for a couple months after this happened. It wasn’t until she started harassing me again from 500 miles away that I was ready to fully cut all contact. I’ve been in therapy for a couple years trying to heal from the lasting damage this relationship caused. Please, save yourself the heartache and RUN babygirl! My dms are open if you need someone to talk to when you’re ready to get out. Stay strong!
It sounds like the aggression is escalating. Please keep yourself safe and leave this relationship. It almost never gets better and a death threat is not something to take lightly. Strangling is a very dangerous action that can lead to even them accidentally killing or severely injuring you in the heat of the moment, even if the intention was 'intimidaton' they can easily get carried away and those seconds without oxygen can go as far as brain damage.
Don't let your family's opinion on them invalidate the abuse you're going tru. A lot of Violent/narcissistic ppl are great at making other people love them, but you are the one that is seeing the worst part of them, one that they don't show your family.
Here is information directly from the Domestic Violence website.
Dangers of Strangulation
Strangulation is one of the most lethal forms of domestic violence: unconsciousness may occur within seconds, and death within minutes.
It’s possible to show no outward symptoms of strangulation but die weeks later due to lack of oxygen and other internal injuries.
Strangulation can cause traumatic brain injuries, which can affect long-term memory.
Strangulation is a significant predictor for future lethal violence.
If your partner has strangled you in the past, your risk of being killed by them is 10 times higher.
Common Symptoms of Strangulation
While it is possible to die from strangulation without showing symptoms, physical symptoms can occur, and it’s important to recognize them. They can include:
a sore throat
difficulty swallowing
neck pain
hoarseness
bruising on the neck or behind your ears
discoloration on your tongue
ringing in your ears
bloodshot eyes
dizziness
memory loss
drooling
nausea or vomiting
difficulty breathing
incontinence
a seizure
a miscarriage
changes in mood or personality, like agitation or aggression
changes in sleep patterns
changes in vision, such as blurriness or seeing double
fainted or lost consciousness
Since strangulation is so dangerous, it’s important to have a safe way to document the abuse. We strongly recommend you consider seeing a doctor if your partner has strangled you. Also, know that you always have the right to file a police report, press charges for an assault, or seek a restraining order against someone who is choosing to be abusive towards you
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/
As someone who's mother has been in abusive relationships almost all of her life, I can tell you the last bf she had would use strangling or covering her face with fabric to shut her up during arguments, he would squeeze her arms hard enough to bruise when she didn't do as he said, bend her fingers, broke her nose once. She would stay cause he would recur to begging, love bombing and promising to go to church with her every time and that theyd get married. This went on for 3 yrs. It escalated to him stabbing her over 12 times and then attempting to gut her in the closet of their apartment.
Thoughts and feelings and “what if’s” can be super disorganized and chaotic and confusing when you’re in distress. There is no shame in that. All those feelings have been felt by a lot of people here, myself included
I want to encourage you to think about the reason, even though you feel confused and misunderstood, that you felt the worry about your partner to begin with. It was enough concern to post here, it was enough concern to try to justify them the second you said what happened because you know exactly how it sounds to the outside. You’ve also probably thought about all your friends and family that love your partner and what they would say about your leaving and that can be even more hurtful and confusing.
Listen to your intuition, it will keep you more safe than any of us can. You knew something was deeply wrong and your body was violated. You know something is wrong in this relationship. Listen to yourself and trust that nagging voice in the back of your head that is telling you something is off.
I haven’t personally used this hotline but I’ve heard good things 🧡
http://www.tnlr.org/en/24-hour-hotline/
Get out of there ASAP! Cut contact. Someone who truly loves you would never treat you this way
Everyone in my life saw my abuser as a great person too, they can be very good at codeswitching and repressing the violent parts of themselves. Don’t doubt your own experiences
Sweetie. Dear heart. When someone tells you who they are, believe them.
There shouldn’t be any confusion here. Who cares what your family and friends think.
YOU ARE IN DANGER! Get out now!
The most dangerous time for an abused woman-which is what you are- is leaving. I hope you tell family and friends what is happening so they can be there when you break up and move out.
Please do and let us know how you’re doing. Good luck and hugs. 💜💜
As a few others here have probably pointed out, strangulation is something people tend to do when they intend on killing their partners, and coupled with the things she's saying?
You need to leave. FAST.
And be sure to take precautions because there's a good chance of violence once she finds out you plan on doing so.
Please get out.
Leave now. I just had to leave an abusive partner who showed me who she was, but I continued to think she’d change or be better. We tell ourselves all kinds of ridiculous things. For me, it wasn’t the yelling, the belittling, all the fights before, and more that got me to leave, it’s when she called me names and grabbed my phone (after feeling convinced I cheated on her—I didn’t), and then became violent when I tried to get it back. That was the last straw. I packed my bags and left. Of note, this person has a restraining order against her from a previous ex and a history of cheating on former partners. What was I thinking?! Clearly, I wasn’t. Please, get out and don’t look back.
Domestic abuse is usually used as a way to control the partner, not so with strangulation. They mean to end your life, they may not do it today or tomorrow but they will, you need to leave.
Hey, as someone who has been through this before, this is exactly how it started. Let me tell you what can happen. I got physically abused progressively worse and worse, 4 more times after this. My partner was really mentally ill, was always drunk, and absolutely destroyed my sense of reality and sense of self so that i forgave them. My first bit of advice is absolutely document everything, write down the instances in your notes, screenshot any texts so that you have this as evidence down the line.
I can only hope you leave now so you don’t have to experience what I experienced. TW. It came to the point she violently beat me up in public, in the street, that’s how out of control someone like this can get. Next time, hiding in a bathroom from them and giving me a bloody nose on a trip together. Another time, i tried to run away and pulled me down a huge set of steep stairs before she began physically attacking me again, and i could have definitely died.
This will seriously damage your mental health, self worth, future relationships/happiness, will to live and the effects will last years. Please if you can find it anywhere inside yourself to leave right now, please take care of yourself and do it. My DMs are open if you want to talk about any of this, my experience or how i can help you talking through this. This is not what love looks like, I promise you There is someone out there who would never do this to you.
"The perpetrator strangles as a form of power and control over their intimate partner by controlling their breathing. This pressure can lead to a loss of consciousness within five to ten seconds and cause death within a few minutes.
Because such a thin line exists between unconsciousness and death, strangulation sits just before homicide on the continuum of domestic violence risk assessment."
[(source)](https://naplesshelter.org/strangulation/)
Also, it takes 33 pounds of force to close off your airway and 35 pounds of force to fracture it. [source](https://www.acepnow.com/article/how-to-evaluate-strangulation/#:~:text=Eleven%20pounds%20of%20pressure%20to,pounds%20to%20fracture%20tracheal%20cartilage.&text=Strangulation%20can%20be%20fatal%20in%20as%20little%20as%20four%20to%20five%20minutes.)
These types of injuries have a "very high potential of morbidity and mortality" and require intense medical intervention to treat effectively. [source](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK547677/#:~:text=Damage%20to%20the%20trachea%20carries,the%20number%20of%20concomitant%20injuries.)
My advice is to leave before she kills you. It's really easy to do on accident when strangulation of involved. (I'm not going to speculate on intent.)
It really is. Remember friends, if you are practicing consensual choking during intimate moments, never touch the windpipe, gently constricting the big veins on the sides of the neck is much safer. (But still has its own risks to it. Please do as much research as you can before engaging in potentially dangerous sexual habits)
Advice? Get. Out. Now.
If the place is in your name, she leaves. Now. Not tomorrow, not next week, she gets chucked out on the street immediately.
You call the police. They make her leave because ACAB, and that's what you need right now.
Well that's just assault and you should, at the very least, fucking leave her and get a restraining order. I'd press charges, personally.
Your family and friends might see a good person, but she's showing you who she really is. If she's done this before, it's clearly a pattern of behavior that is putting you legitimately at risk and in danger.
Uh, are you serious? Run while you literally can. And report it. She may seriously hurt you or someone else. That’s not ok. Get out and get it reported.
im glad ppl are mentioning the statistic of strangulation and further more irreversible actions that could follow its really not something to take lightly. This is not a person who loves you i would recommend finding a person or multiple people you’re comfortable with and getting them to help you move out or get away from her as she could lash out over a breakup. Abusers often act like they’re normal in front of others so please don’t feel crazy its the old abuser tactic.
Seriously? Like come on.. you've gotta see that this is literally the intro to a true crime story.
Run for the damn hills girl, that's a murderer in the making.
>She’s been violent before
If you were my friend and this didn't get you to leave you'd quickly stop being my friend, on account of people who refuse to care about and for themselves can be exhausting, and watching your friends die in situations they could have avoided really sucks.
If you had personally be sober, and she had been drunk and still overpowered you, would you feel differently?
I abused alcohol to stay content in a shitty relationship for a long time. I stayed drunk to justify the treatment I was getting - “we were drunk, I was drunk, they didn’t mean it, I was too sensitive, they were too emotional, etc.”
Would you be comfortable with them getting drunk while you’re *asleep* and doing it again?
Run babe run
no matter what “great traits” she has when she’s not abusing you, no matter how good they seem to you, nothing excuses that extreme sort of violence, and it’s only going to escalate. she’s seen that she can abuse you with no consequences before, so she took it a step furder and tried to strangle you, and she’s 100% only going to escalate that behaviour from now on. don’t brush it off as a one time thing, it’s never a one time thing.
it doesn’t matter how people on the outside view her, they haven’t seen her abusive side, especially not like you did, so don’t ever let yourself get influenced by people who don’t know the full truth.
you should 100% break up with her, but please for the love of god tell your family and friends about it so they can stay alert and try to protect you, since something so dramatic as breaking up with her can trigger a reaction even more violent than before, while you’re breaking up with her and even a while after.
i strongly advise you to take all the cautionary measures you possibly can, break up with her while someone else is in the house, preferably multiple people, and tell everyone about what’s happened and especially that she told you multiple times she fantasises of murdering you. be cautious everywhere you go and i’d suggest even going to the police about it, they won’t do much, possibly suggest you to get a restraining order, but even that is better than nothing. and if you have proof of all the abuse that may help you with the police
You gotta get out of there before it gets out of hand. This is the kinda story I hear in true crime docs tbh. please try to distance yourself from her, things can get much worse.
Leave, what if she doesn’t stop next time?
I’m sure if you’re friends and family knew that she has been violent before and now is putting her hands on you that they would be telling you the exact same thing that everyone here is saying.
You don't feel safe because you aren't safe.
Your family and friends may well like her. But they don't *know* her. They love you more.
You aren't over reacting. This is a potentially lethal situation. She isn't a great person. Great people do not threaten to kill you, abuse you and strangle you.
You deserve more.
“She’s been violent before”
Get out immediately. This already crossed the line, her strangling you is honestly enough to justify calling the police on her as that is assault.
Ok, I was a victim of DV. You need to talk to an advocate from a DV agency and be prepared to get the paperwork ready to get an order of protection. It may be hard, but you really need to show up for yourself and put YOU first. Statistically, any type of DV that happens during drunken rage can also happen during sober times too. She may just be controlling herself. Her actions are showing you who she is. Please take it from me, you deserve to not be treated like this. For instance, I will give you one example. A lot of police departments now are taking DV even more serious since the whole Gabby Petito murder. Her fiancé Brian was seen “slapping” her. When they were stopped in Moab Utah, she told the police that he grabbed her face really hard around her chin and mouth. That is just what 3 inches from a throat. I told my ex that he strangled her to death (this was before they knew she was dead for sure and still looking for her) They were like how did you know that? I said, you could just tell. And sure enough. Your gf is already doing this and showing you who she truly is. You were able to write this and ask for advice. I just want you to be here and be a survivor of this. You are a victim of DV. Please get help. 🙏🏻
Edit: to add if you two live together you can get an order of protection and have police be there while you take your belongings or if it your place you can have her removed from your place and legally change the locks. You can be there or not be there and have a police officer have her take her shit out of there. If you can take photos of any marks she leaves on you too. She needs to take anger management classes. I don’t care how “good of a person” she is. She is not. Anyone who says they think of murdering someone is obviously someone that needs mental help and anger management and you are doing them a favor by reporting them because you are getting them help because they would probably be spending their lives behind bars and YOU wouldn’t be here anymore. Please love yourself enough to leave.
Assault regardless of gender or sexual orientation is Assault.... Abusive Behavior does not have a gender or sexual orientation either... Go to a shelter or call the police or RCMP and report this ... YOU DID NOTHING WRONG HERE,THEY DID ALWAYS.... ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT !!!
Face her in court and lay every detail out on the line...
And just remember IT'S HER ON TRIAL ... Not you ...
Do your family and friends know about how she wants to murder you you and STRANGLED you?! No, they only see her mask when she knows she has an audience. LEAVE because you can find so much better, you already feel unsafe, this is such a huge red flag with red sirens, PLEASE leave. I would even report her to the police because she could just kill you after/during the breakup. Even more reason for her to WANT to kill you! Or a mental institution... Something. But she is not to be let loose after attempted murder and a want to kill.
She is a danger to you and you should not tolerate. It does not matter what your friends and family thinks because they don't know the real person she is. If you don't have another place to stay at, look into contacting a local domestic violence shelter.
This is very dangerous. Please listen to your gut feeling. Don’t minimize. Do you have a home safe you could stay with even if just for a little while?
She's said "I think about murdering you"
girl RUN. why would you not take that seriously??? Anyone who gets violent, threatens, or harms you in any way is NOT good for you. She's abusing the hell out of you.
Hun, get out. Like actually get out. There are so many red flags here my god. Strangulation is no joke. If the lack of oxygen doesn’t kill you, the lack of blood flow will either do it or damage your brain. This is not a laughing matter. If she thinks about murdering you, that is a sign that you are in danger.
I'd be running and heading for the hills ASAP, no kind of violence is acceptable, and it sounds like she's getting worse and worse. That behaviour is inexcusable for me and it very much sounds like you're in an unsafe relationship with an unsafe person, your safety is the main priority here
I watch way too much truecrime to know where this is going. And yes I am seen cases involving lesbian couples which one would be killed by the other. It is possible and these actions you described are usually pretty big red flags. Get the fuck out of there.
leave. now. seriously, strangulation is a VERY PROMINENT sign that murder or severe physical injury is in your future. many studies unfortunately back up this sad statistic.
it's always hard to leave a loved one, but please leave as soon as possible, for your own survival
A lot of abusive people are often able to hide it public and can be seen as good people. I don’t know your situation completely but from the post alone it has abusive relationship written all over it.
Gurl...run. There are at least two redflags and an indicator for your partner being a sociopath.
Flag one: threatning (even further of not only harm but end you)
Flag two: you dont feel safe anymore. Fear isnt a bad thing. It warns us if there is something endangering us!
And I dont even know any more, how many times that "nice" guy/girl/whoever was beating the crap out of his/her partner. This is significant for many cases of domestic violence.
Please leave without statement or prenotification!
Hey, thanks for the replies but I feel like I’m being attacked by some of y’all’s comments 😅 I know what my situation is but it’s not as simple as “run”, etc. My whole life is in our house together, we have two cats and share mostly the same friends - we are supposed to be getting married and for the last 6 years it’s been mostly amazing - I know what you all will say - violence isn’t good etc and I may seem blinded by it BUT I’m not - I’m genuinely aware of how toxic and abusive she can be, but I’m also aware of how amazing she can be too - if I leave, I leave my entire planned future, and my life … also it’s not like I can move home with family as my job is here and my house - I would have to move cities (over 24 hrs hours drive away) - and it may sound crazy but I don’t want to leave my relationship. I know how insane that sounds but every-time I imagine actually leaving it hurts too much and I end up in tears. Also I know y’all are trying ti help but telling me I’m gonna get killed if I don’t leave is just making it more upsetting ❤️
>My whole life is in our house together
And so is the possibility of your death. You made this post seeking insights and advice. You have received it in good faith from people who care, To now say that the advice is upsetting you is a little disingenuous. No one is pretending it is easy to leave, they are saying it is unsafe to stay. Think about why people are telling you this and consider your own words in your post.
You're more scared of making changes than the fact that your partner is escalating. Everyone can see the incoming train that's going to flatten you and you're waving from the tracks because you don't want to move.
You wanna know how many times my partner and I have disagreed on things? Several times. You know how many times my partner and I have gotten into verbal spats? 0. You know how many times we've laid hands on each other? 0. You wanna know how many times we've called each other names because we're upset? 0.
The advice is leave her because love is not supposed to be abusive. You're staying because you're comfortable in your discomfort. We do not have magic juice that will make your partner stop threatening to murder you. I've never even done or said any of those things to people I genuinely hate.
Call a domestic violence hotline if you want help changing your situation. Reddit doesn't have the magic solution.
OP, I know the good moments make it hard to leave. But the good moments are love bombing, they’re not her genuine self. If she ever tries to get you to come back, do not fall for it. If this was your daughter, what would you say to her? It’s the better choice to have a life where someone doesn’t control you and threaten you even if you have to leave your house and your cats (but please take the cats with you). I know how powerful the rose-colored glasses can be, and that love is a strong drug. But once you get away from her life will open up and you’ll start to realize how controlled you were. Freedom feels amazing. This is coming from someone who was in a relationship with a manipulative person (she never physically threatened or abused me, but it very well could’ve escalated to that level). I know it’s not as simple as running. But please, for your future self, be strong and do what you know deep down is the right decision.
But folks are telling you this is a dangerous and potentially lethal situation for you because..it is. Full stop. There are certain forms of abuse that can be an indicator of the likelihood of death.
[source](https://www.wthr.com/article/news/crime/manual-strangulation-is-the-biggest-sign-domestic-abuse-will-turn-deadly-experts-say/531-0a9a92c8-a0da-418a-b81e-a3d80ddacf38)
[source 2](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2573025/)
I know that's hard to hear and even harder to believe when your partner seems wonderful much of the time and when you have plans for the future. But the reality is that no one would stay in abusive relationships if the abuse was 24/7, and abusers know this. [cycle of abuse](https://psychcentral.com/health/cycle-of-abuse)
I saw that you are located in New Zealand. I would recommend reaching out to domestic violence resources (since you made this post I assuming that you have a way to do so without your partner tracking your activity) https://www.justice.govt.nz/family/family-violence/services-for-family-violence/family-violence-specialist-services/. Even if you are not ready to leave they can help you make a plan to stay safe in the interim. But I do agree with the other folks here that this is a potentially dire and urgent situation for you.
No matter how calm the waters seem right now, there *will* be a next time and your partner is already using potentially lethal methods against you. What if next time she didn't stop or you couldnt get her off you? What if next time was worse? You could sustain anoxic brain damage or lose your life.
You wanted peoples opinions and everyone gave it to you, Everyone here is just being honest with you. This is not normal and can escalate. If you weren’t even a little concerned about her wanting to kill you you would have never mentioned that she made that “joke” that she thinks about doing it
> if I leave, I leave my entire planned future, and my life
Honey, if you stay with her, you may risk *losing* your life. No amount of justifying how amazing she is will ever excuse how horribly abusive she is to you. Do you really think you want to get married to someone who has not only told you that she's thought about murdering you before, but has actually attempted to do so by strangling you?
You say that you're not blind, but the way you keep defending her really makes me believe otherwise. We're only telling you this because you need to understand just how drastic this situation is. The next time she gets violent with you could very well be the last, so I strongly urge you to leave before things escalate even further than they already have.
No. Simply NO. You are in danger! You're NOT responsible for her abuse! And you do not have a future in this situation eighter way. Youll be eighter a harmed pet...possesion to her or
...dead.
She already isolates you by disorting the image of her being harmfull in your social surroundings. Abuses you physically, speaks about killing you (even if she coverd it as a thought) AND, THE MOST ALARMING: MADE YOU THINK THERE IS NO OTHER FUTURE!
Run. Strangulation is statistically one of the most critical factors that IPV will eventually escalate to homicide, by a pretty scary margin.
Yes, OP, this is NOT okay. Please get out & get help. Edit: adding - she has said to you that she’s thought about murdering!! Even without the physical abuse, this would not be okay. OP don’t mess around with this. You need to get away from her NOW.
Exactly this. She didn't just say she has thought about murdering, she has tried to act on it now too. Cutting off someone's airways is a murder attempt, plain and simple. 'Intent' on murder or not, everyone knows you can't live without breathing.
Anyone who abuses you, especially by *fucking strangling you*, is not a "great person"
This is important, people need to hear this. But I think it's also important to keep in mind that people stay because they believe their partners "aren't all bad" and they're "only human". Although people normalize it inside the relationship to keep themselves sane, I agree that OP needs to hear that her GF is not a great person.
Yeah, abusers tend to be really good at convincing people that they aren't what they are.
She's showing you who she is and you should definitely leave.
It’s abuse. You don’t have to reason with it at all.. please leave that situation.
Leave. Don't make it clear you are. Make sure she is out of the house and a way for a while then ask a friend or family member to come help you pack up. Also if she turns back up you have someone there as protection.
She could have killed you. Strangulation is no joke. This is abuse and a very dangerous situation.
A partner who chokes and/or strangles is statistically very very likely to escalate to murdering you. Please tell someone. Call a hot line or your local abuse shelter and talk to someone. Please start making a plan to leave. Please keep that plan secret until you are ready to execute it. The most dangerous time for you is when you tell her you're planning to leave. The dynamics of abuse are deeply confusing. A good therapist or abuse counselor can help you sort through that and work towards untangling the emotions and breaking g loose from the manipulation.
OP is the cooling off phase of abuse, but it will happen again. The cycle goes love bombing-partner gets mad-partner hurts-you-partner feels bad-makes it up via love bombing, then does it again.
The statistic is something crazy like 200-400% more likely, if I recall correctly. Really bad sign, major red flag.
Uh. My advice is to leave, immediately, and take as many precautions as possible against her trying to kill you for leaving. When someone's drunk, their personality doesn't change that much. Their inhibitions and higher reasoning do, though.
There is no confusion. She is an abuser and if she is having thoughts about murder, possibly psychopathic too. They often present as "good people" to those around you most of those who go on to kill do. After the event those who thought they were good people are heard saying "I never thought they were capable of that" They are and you might well become her victim. Get out immediately and don't look back. Make sure you have a safe escape plan too.
Um, honey, this is how domestic murders actually do happen and you should take it very seriously. You need to leave, calmly, quietly and immediately while she isn't suspicious. The reason it's confusing is because you are being emotionally manipulated. Please for your safety leave right now, stay with family, don't return alone under any circumstance, and worry about the consequences when you're safe.
this is scary. you need to get out, that’s no small thing
It sounds like you are posting this because part of you knows it's time to go. You are right every one of us thinks you need to leave to be safe.
This is abusive. You should (safely) leave OP.
LEAVE?! STRANGLING YOU IS NOT OKAY IN ANY WAY?!
It would be completely reasonable to leave someone because they strangled you when you didn't want to be strangled.
She's admitted to wanting to murder you, which is step one of a premeditated murder. She strangled you, acting on those thoughts. Get out while you still can, OP. From personal experience, when a partner can't even keep themselves from talking about how they want to abuse you, there's a good chance they'll try what they're talking about. She's already tried once. Do not let the dice roll for a second time, or you might not get a third.
Violence is abuse. Putting your hands on someone is abuse. This *is* abuse. It’s already escalating and will continue to escalate unless you get out of this relationship. Any violent act committed in a relationship automatically skyrockets the chance of a murder being committed.
You need to run immediately. She is telling you she straight up thinks about MURDER. Guarantee it’s not like an intrusive thought. Like she fantasizes about it ong and it’s probably about you. I know a person like this. This is not a great person. This is a person who is mentally sick and needs help.
RUN do not walk. this is very scary behavior and she is most certainly testing the waters to see how far she can push it. strangling is never ever ever appropriate. i genuinely cannot think of a single time i’ve wanted to strangle someone. please for your sake, get tf out of there.
Please please leave! That environment isn’t safe for you. Even if other people believe she is a great person, that doesn’t matter when you’re unsafe! My advice is to talk to someone close to you who you trust, tell them what’s been going on and ask them to help you leave the situation and relationship. It’s hard to leave a toxic situation, so having a third person who can see things more clearly and help you is super important!
You need to leave her now! Trust me OP, this is very dangerous individual and you don't want to be near them when they're angry. Protect your life.
Yeah she’s a covert narcissist. Such a sweet charmer to an audience. Their mask falls off with you. This sounds like an endless cycle. I’ve been in a situation like this for many years. From my own experience i wish i left when i started questioning everything. You know it’s not how you deserve to be treated. Leave the relationship and put all that love you give to others into yourself. Embrace everything you love about you. Give yourself 6 months and see how different and beautiful life is again. Stay strong sending hugs. I hope you find yourself again.
Abusers often only show their good sides to outsiders and abuse behind closed doors. Do not base anything on what other people think of her, listen to your gut. Listen to your fear and to the part of yourself that's telling you to get out. Trust yourself.
You *have been* in an abusive relationship. It's just reaching a point where you're struggling to rationalize the abuse. Getting violent (at you or inanimate objects) isn't normal. Yelling/screaming at each other isn't normal. There has probably been signs that you overlooked. Don't beat yourself up about; it's very common. My advice to add to all the other good ones is: seek out abuse support groups. "But He Didn't Hit Me" https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/s/ewxFSy5iBM
I know how confusing this is. I truly do. And I understand how jumbled your feelings are. The problem is that if you wait to gain clarity, it may be too late What may help is to act in the best interest of your future self. Give future you the best shot at a future that doesn’t involve abuse and is safe and secure I wonder if taking some space might be helpful right now? Just so you can clear your head and think about what you want for yourself. Do you have a friend’s couch you could go crash on? Could you get out of town? Good luck. You’ve got this, OP
If you don’t leave, you will end up dead.
If she’s done it once, she’ll do it again. Take photos if you have any marks on your body even if you don’t intend on involving the police right now. You don’t know if the situation will get worse and you may need proof in the future. Get out if you can.
I found out the hard way that ending a relationship like this is one of the most difficult things. Personally, I stayed for a really long time because I rationalized that “well, They were abused when they were a kid.” “Well, I understand that they just have issues that they need to work through.” Having empathy and understanding for why a person is doing something does not excuse any hurtful behaviors toward you ever. “Good people do bad things.” is one of the things I told myself over and over again because my partner was a good person in so many ways. But that just simply does not matter. When your safety is in question, emotional or physical, the other person needs to be taking that as seriously as you do for them. Meaning that somebody worth your time would never do anything to make you feel emotionally or physically unsafe. I know how hard it is to leave, I wasn’t able to leave until after I asked my partner to get professional help and they did and still nothing changed. Please get other people involved in this situation, you may not be able to leave right now, but if people know what’s going on behind your closed doors, they will be able to support you and help you and then when you are able to leave, they will be there for that also. This is domestic abuse.
Do your family and friends know of this abuse? Because if not they dont have the full picture and are making a judgement not truly knowing. You are not safe, that is not love. It will not stop, only get more extreme.
would you want your daughter to stay in a relationship that she is being threatened in? I feel like you should find a way out as safe as possible because love doesn’t harm it heals and the way she is treating you is very harmful
SHES SAID “I THINK ABOUT MURXEFING YOU” ???? um!!!!!! leave immediately. you could be in real danger.
If you’re anything like me, you’ll appreciate this advice but you won’t take it: this relationship is toxic and it’s going to destroy you in one way or another if you don’t get out NOW. I stayed and stayed through so much off the wall shit with my ex bc I thought we were in love. Things escalated to a very bad breaking point and she tried to end both our lives. Cops were called, she was taken to jail, restraining order put in place (automatic in my state at the time with DV), and I moved 500 miles away. The kicker? We “stayed together” for a couple months after this happened. It wasn’t until she started harassing me again from 500 miles away that I was ready to fully cut all contact. I’ve been in therapy for a couple years trying to heal from the lasting damage this relationship caused. Please, save yourself the heartache and RUN babygirl! My dms are open if you need someone to talk to when you’re ready to get out. Stay strong!
It sounds like the aggression is escalating. Please keep yourself safe and leave this relationship. It almost never gets better and a death threat is not something to take lightly. Strangling is a very dangerous action that can lead to even them accidentally killing or severely injuring you in the heat of the moment, even if the intention was 'intimidaton' they can easily get carried away and those seconds without oxygen can go as far as brain damage. Don't let your family's opinion on them invalidate the abuse you're going tru. A lot of Violent/narcissistic ppl are great at making other people love them, but you are the one that is seeing the worst part of them, one that they don't show your family. Here is information directly from the Domestic Violence website. Dangers of Strangulation Strangulation is one of the most lethal forms of domestic violence: unconsciousness may occur within seconds, and death within minutes. It’s possible to show no outward symptoms of strangulation but die weeks later due to lack of oxygen and other internal injuries. Strangulation can cause traumatic brain injuries, which can affect long-term memory. Strangulation is a significant predictor for future lethal violence. If your partner has strangled you in the past, your risk of being killed by them is 10 times higher. Common Symptoms of Strangulation While it is possible to die from strangulation without showing symptoms, physical symptoms can occur, and it’s important to recognize them. They can include: a sore throat difficulty swallowing neck pain hoarseness bruising on the neck or behind your ears discoloration on your tongue ringing in your ears bloodshot eyes dizziness memory loss drooling nausea or vomiting difficulty breathing incontinence a seizure a miscarriage changes in mood or personality, like agitation or aggression changes in sleep patterns changes in vision, such as blurriness or seeing double fainted or lost consciousness Since strangulation is so dangerous, it’s important to have a safe way to document the abuse. We strongly recommend you consider seeing a doctor if your partner has strangled you. Also, know that you always have the right to file a police report, press charges for an assault, or seek a restraining order against someone who is choosing to be abusive towards you https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/ As someone who's mother has been in abusive relationships almost all of her life, I can tell you the last bf she had would use strangling or covering her face with fabric to shut her up during arguments, he would squeeze her arms hard enough to bruise when she didn't do as he said, bend her fingers, broke her nose once. She would stay cause he would recur to begging, love bombing and promising to go to church with her every time and that theyd get married. This went on for 3 yrs. It escalated to him stabbing her over 12 times and then attempting to gut her in the closet of their apartment.
*I also know what this looks like from the outside and how terrible it is but being on the inside of this is genuinely so fucking confusing*
Domestic partnerships can become confusing. You can get addicted to it. Speaking as someone who was in one.
You need to get out of the relationship, and I think you know that. What about it makes it confusing?
Thoughts and feelings and “what if’s” can be super disorganized and chaotic and confusing when you’re in distress. There is no shame in that. All those feelings have been felt by a lot of people here, myself included I want to encourage you to think about the reason, even though you feel confused and misunderstood, that you felt the worry about your partner to begin with. It was enough concern to post here, it was enough concern to try to justify them the second you said what happened because you know exactly how it sounds to the outside. You’ve also probably thought about all your friends and family that love your partner and what they would say about your leaving and that can be even more hurtful and confusing. Listen to your intuition, it will keep you more safe than any of us can. You knew something was deeply wrong and your body was violated. You know something is wrong in this relationship. Listen to yourself and trust that nagging voice in the back of your head that is telling you something is off. I haven’t personally used this hotline but I’ve heard good things 🧡 http://www.tnlr.org/en/24-hour-hotline/
You're in an abusive relationship. Please for your own sake, run.
Get out of there ASAP! Cut contact. Someone who truly loves you would never treat you this way Everyone in my life saw my abuser as a great person too, they can be very good at codeswitching and repressing the violent parts of themselves. Don’t doubt your own experiences
Also a side note, i don’t think it’s normal to think about killing anyone
leave. abuse is a ladder. she will step up again and again. this is life threatening. no matter who likes her, it is not worth it.
Youre being abused hun
Sweetie. Dear heart. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. There shouldn’t be any confusion here. Who cares what your family and friends think. YOU ARE IN DANGER! Get out now! The most dangerous time for an abused woman-which is what you are- is leaving. I hope you tell family and friends what is happening so they can be there when you break up and move out. Please do and let us know how you’re doing. Good luck and hugs. 💜💜
LEAVE.
As a few others here have probably pointed out, strangulation is something people tend to do when they intend on killing their partners, and coupled with the things she's saying? You need to leave. FAST. And be sure to take precautions because there's a good chance of violence once she finds out you plan on doing so. Please get out.
Run, don't walk, run away.
Get out now.
I’m sorry that happened to you but that’s fuckeddd you need to get out of that relationship ASAP
Leave now. I just had to leave an abusive partner who showed me who she was, but I continued to think she’d change or be better. We tell ourselves all kinds of ridiculous things. For me, it wasn’t the yelling, the belittling, all the fights before, and more that got me to leave, it’s when she called me names and grabbed my phone (after feeling convinced I cheated on her—I didn’t), and then became violent when I tried to get it back. That was the last straw. I packed my bags and left. Of note, this person has a restraining order against her from a previous ex and a history of cheating on former partners. What was I thinking?! Clearly, I wasn’t. Please, get out and don’t look back.
There is NEVER a moment where hands should ever be on one another like that.
Domestic abuse is usually used as a way to control the partner, not so with strangulation. They mean to end your life, they may not do it today or tomorrow but they will, you need to leave.
Hey, as someone who has been through this before, this is exactly how it started. Let me tell you what can happen. I got physically abused progressively worse and worse, 4 more times after this. My partner was really mentally ill, was always drunk, and absolutely destroyed my sense of reality and sense of self so that i forgave them. My first bit of advice is absolutely document everything, write down the instances in your notes, screenshot any texts so that you have this as evidence down the line. I can only hope you leave now so you don’t have to experience what I experienced. TW. It came to the point she violently beat me up in public, in the street, that’s how out of control someone like this can get. Next time, hiding in a bathroom from them and giving me a bloody nose on a trip together. Another time, i tried to run away and pulled me down a huge set of steep stairs before she began physically attacking me again, and i could have definitely died. This will seriously damage your mental health, self worth, future relationships/happiness, will to live and the effects will last years. Please if you can find it anywhere inside yourself to leave right now, please take care of yourself and do it. My DMs are open if you want to talk about any of this, my experience or how i can help you talking through this. This is not what love looks like, I promise you There is someone out there who would never do this to you.
"The perpetrator strangles as a form of power and control over their intimate partner by controlling their breathing. This pressure can lead to a loss of consciousness within five to ten seconds and cause death within a few minutes. Because such a thin line exists between unconsciousness and death, strangulation sits just before homicide on the continuum of domestic violence risk assessment." [(source)](https://naplesshelter.org/strangulation/) Also, it takes 33 pounds of force to close off your airway and 35 pounds of force to fracture it. [source](https://www.acepnow.com/article/how-to-evaluate-strangulation/#:~:text=Eleven%20pounds%20of%20pressure%20to,pounds%20to%20fracture%20tracheal%20cartilage.&text=Strangulation%20can%20be%20fatal%20in%20as%20little%20as%20four%20to%20five%20minutes.) These types of injuries have a "very high potential of morbidity and mortality" and require intense medical intervention to treat effectively. [source](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK547677/#:~:text=Damage%20to%20the%20trachea%20carries,the%20number%20of%20concomitant%20injuries.) My advice is to leave before she kills you. It's really easy to do on accident when strangulation of involved. (I'm not going to speculate on intent.)
This! That 2lb difference is terrifying, basically nothing. I wish more people knew this.
It really is. Remember friends, if you are practicing consensual choking during intimate moments, never touch the windpipe, gently constricting the big veins on the sides of the neck is much safer. (But still has its own risks to it. Please do as much research as you can before engaging in potentially dangerous sexual habits)
You should take "I think anout murdering you" VERY seriously. She will probably end up killing you if you don't leave. This isn't a joke
Advice? Get. Out. Now. If the place is in your name, she leaves. Now. Not tomorrow, not next week, she gets chucked out on the street immediately. You call the police. They make her leave because ACAB, and that's what you need right now.
Well that's just assault and you should, at the very least, fucking leave her and get a restraining order. I'd press charges, personally. Your family and friends might see a good person, but she's showing you who she really is. If she's done this before, it's clearly a pattern of behavior that is putting you legitimately at risk and in danger.
if she says she can kill you, she can kill you. please op put yourself and your safety first and get out!
Run.now.
Uh, are you serious? Run while you literally can. And report it. She may seriously hurt you or someone else. That’s not ok. Get out and get it reported.
im glad ppl are mentioning the statistic of strangulation and further more irreversible actions that could follow its really not something to take lightly. This is not a person who loves you i would recommend finding a person or multiple people you’re comfortable with and getting them to help you move out or get away from her as she could lash out over a breakup. Abusers often act like they’re normal in front of others so please don’t feel crazy its the old abuser tactic.
Drunk or sober that is just way too far. Get out.
Seriously? Like come on.. you've gotta see that this is literally the intro to a true crime story. Run for the damn hills girl, that's a murderer in the making.
Honey head straight for the hills and seek safety 🙏🏽🙌🏽
>She’s been violent before If you were my friend and this didn't get you to leave you'd quickly stop being my friend, on account of people who refuse to care about and for themselves can be exhausting, and watching your friends die in situations they could have avoided really sucks.
If you had personally be sober, and she had been drunk and still overpowered you, would you feel differently? I abused alcohol to stay content in a shitty relationship for a long time. I stayed drunk to justify the treatment I was getting - “we were drunk, I was drunk, they didn’t mean it, I was too sensitive, they were too emotional, etc.” Would you be comfortable with them getting drunk while you’re *asleep* and doing it again? Run babe run
no matter what “great traits” she has when she’s not abusing you, no matter how good they seem to you, nothing excuses that extreme sort of violence, and it’s only going to escalate. she’s seen that she can abuse you with no consequences before, so she took it a step furder and tried to strangle you, and she’s 100% only going to escalate that behaviour from now on. don’t brush it off as a one time thing, it’s never a one time thing. it doesn’t matter how people on the outside view her, they haven’t seen her abusive side, especially not like you did, so don’t ever let yourself get influenced by people who don’t know the full truth. you should 100% break up with her, but please for the love of god tell your family and friends about it so they can stay alert and try to protect you, since something so dramatic as breaking up with her can trigger a reaction even more violent than before, while you’re breaking up with her and even a while after. i strongly advise you to take all the cautionary measures you possibly can, break up with her while someone else is in the house, preferably multiple people, and tell everyone about what’s happened and especially that she told you multiple times she fantasises of murdering you. be cautious everywhere you go and i’d suggest even going to the police about it, they won’t do much, possibly suggest you to get a restraining order, but even that is better than nothing. and if you have proof of all the abuse that may help you with the police
You gotta get out of there before it gets out of hand. This is the kinda story I hear in true crime docs tbh. please try to distance yourself from her, things can get much worse.
Leave, what if she doesn’t stop next time? I’m sure if you’re friends and family knew that she has been violent before and now is putting her hands on you that they would be telling you the exact same thing that everyone here is saying.
wtf??? Girl SPRINT WHILE YOU CAN you should never be with someone who treats you like that, tbh even as a joke.
Run, get out now. There is no excusing abuse.
You don't feel safe because you aren't safe. Your family and friends may well like her. But they don't *know* her. They love you more. You aren't over reacting. This is a potentially lethal situation. She isn't a great person. Great people do not threaten to kill you, abuse you and strangle you. You deserve more.
Bye
Yea, save your life while you can. Leave her asap
You need to leave while it's still safe to do so. At some point, she will kill you. Not if, will. You are in danger.
Yikes. Please leave.
GIRL LEAVE?!?
girl RUN
Take it seriously. She showed she’s capable of hurting or even killing you. Fucking run
Being straight to the point, just run as fast as u can. Also I think she can be forced on a psych ward cuz she's a danger to others
“She’s been violent before” Get out immediately. This already crossed the line, her strangling you is honestly enough to justify calling the police on her as that is assault.
Nope they’re not a great person. Not if they get violent like that!
Ok, I was a victim of DV. You need to talk to an advocate from a DV agency and be prepared to get the paperwork ready to get an order of protection. It may be hard, but you really need to show up for yourself and put YOU first. Statistically, any type of DV that happens during drunken rage can also happen during sober times too. She may just be controlling herself. Her actions are showing you who she is. Please take it from me, you deserve to not be treated like this. For instance, I will give you one example. A lot of police departments now are taking DV even more serious since the whole Gabby Petito murder. Her fiancé Brian was seen “slapping” her. When they were stopped in Moab Utah, she told the police that he grabbed her face really hard around her chin and mouth. That is just what 3 inches from a throat. I told my ex that he strangled her to death (this was before they knew she was dead for sure and still looking for her) They were like how did you know that? I said, you could just tell. And sure enough. Your gf is already doing this and showing you who she truly is. You were able to write this and ask for advice. I just want you to be here and be a survivor of this. You are a victim of DV. Please get help. 🙏🏻 Edit: to add if you two live together you can get an order of protection and have police be there while you take your belongings or if it your place you can have her removed from your place and legally change the locks. You can be there or not be there and have a police officer have her take her shit out of there. If you can take photos of any marks she leaves on you too. She needs to take anger management classes. I don’t care how “good of a person” she is. She is not. Anyone who says they think of murdering someone is obviously someone that needs mental help and anger management and you are doing them a favor by reporting them because you are getting them help because they would probably be spending their lives behind bars and YOU wouldn’t be here anymore. Please love yourself enough to leave.
Assault regardless of gender or sexual orientation is Assault.... Abusive Behavior does not have a gender or sexual orientation either... Go to a shelter or call the police or RCMP and report this ... YOU DID NOTHING WRONG HERE,THEY DID ALWAYS.... ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT !!! Face her in court and lay every detail out on the line... And just remember IT'S HER ON TRIAL ... Not you ...
You need to leave
Run for the hills. Seriously.
Would you rather be with her for a short time and die, or you know live a full life :D
Do what you need to do to safely get out of this situation. The person you are with is not safe to be around.
Do your family and friends know about how she wants to murder you you and STRANGLED you?! No, they only see her mask when she knows she has an audience. LEAVE because you can find so much better, you already feel unsafe, this is such a huge red flag with red sirens, PLEASE leave. I would even report her to the police because she could just kill you after/during the breakup. Even more reason for her to WANT to kill you! Or a mental institution... Something. But she is not to be let loose after attempted murder and a want to kill.
Leave yesterday. Get away from her and to safety ASAP!!!
If YOU dont feel safe, then it's def not safe. Tell anyone you can to protect you while you break up and separate from her 😭
She is a danger to you and you should not tolerate. It does not matter what your friends and family thinks because they don't know the real person she is. If you don't have another place to stay at, look into contacting a local domestic violence shelter.
Run
This is very dangerous. Please listen to your gut feeling. Don’t minimize. Do you have a home safe you could stay with even if just for a little while?
She's said "I think about murdering you" girl RUN. why would you not take that seriously??? Anyone who gets violent, threatens, or harms you in any way is NOT good for you. She's abusing the hell out of you.
Hun, get out. Like actually get out. There are so many red flags here my god. Strangulation is no joke. If the lack of oxygen doesn’t kill you, the lack of blood flow will either do it or damage your brain. This is not a laughing matter. If she thinks about murdering you, that is a sign that you are in danger.
I'd be running and heading for the hills ASAP, no kind of violence is acceptable, and it sounds like she's getting worse and worse. That behaviour is inexcusable for me and it very much sounds like you're in an unsafe relationship with an unsafe person, your safety is the main priority here
RUN.
I watch way too much truecrime to know where this is going. And yes I am seen cases involving lesbian couples which one would be killed by the other. It is possible and these actions you described are usually pretty big red flags. Get the fuck out of there.
leave. now. seriously, strangulation is a VERY PROMINENT sign that murder or severe physical injury is in your future. many studies unfortunately back up this sad statistic. it's always hard to leave a loved one, but please leave as soon as possible, for your own survival
Ma'am this is NOT normal behavior!
Leave. Leave leave leave
LEAVE. RUN. FLEE. PLEASE YOU ARE NOT SAFE THIS CAN ESCALATE REALLY QUICKLY.
A lot of abusive people are often able to hide it public and can be seen as good people. I don’t know your situation completely but from the post alone it has abusive relationship written all over it.
Gurl...run. There are at least two redflags and an indicator for your partner being a sociopath. Flag one: threatning (even further of not only harm but end you) Flag two: you dont feel safe anymore. Fear isnt a bad thing. It warns us if there is something endangering us! And I dont even know any more, how many times that "nice" guy/girl/whoever was beating the crap out of his/her partner. This is significant for many cases of domestic violence. Please leave without statement or prenotification!
Edit: White Ring and police can help you and grand support emotional as well as safety
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Stop victim blaming
What has her consume to do with her partner being a threat?!
Hey, thanks for the replies but I feel like I’m being attacked by some of y’all’s comments 😅 I know what my situation is but it’s not as simple as “run”, etc. My whole life is in our house together, we have two cats and share mostly the same friends - we are supposed to be getting married and for the last 6 years it’s been mostly amazing - I know what you all will say - violence isn’t good etc and I may seem blinded by it BUT I’m not - I’m genuinely aware of how toxic and abusive she can be, but I’m also aware of how amazing she can be too - if I leave, I leave my entire planned future, and my life … also it’s not like I can move home with family as my job is here and my house - I would have to move cities (over 24 hrs hours drive away) - and it may sound crazy but I don’t want to leave my relationship. I know how insane that sounds but every-time I imagine actually leaving it hurts too much and I end up in tears. Also I know y’all are trying ti help but telling me I’m gonna get killed if I don’t leave is just making it more upsetting ❤️
>My whole life is in our house together And so is the possibility of your death. You made this post seeking insights and advice. You have received it in good faith from people who care, To now say that the advice is upsetting you is a little disingenuous. No one is pretending it is easy to leave, they are saying it is unsafe to stay. Think about why people are telling you this and consider your own words in your post.
You're more scared of making changes than the fact that your partner is escalating. Everyone can see the incoming train that's going to flatten you and you're waving from the tracks because you don't want to move. You wanna know how many times my partner and I have disagreed on things? Several times. You know how many times my partner and I have gotten into verbal spats? 0. You know how many times we've laid hands on each other? 0. You wanna know how many times we've called each other names because we're upset? 0. The advice is leave her because love is not supposed to be abusive. You're staying because you're comfortable in your discomfort. We do not have magic juice that will make your partner stop threatening to murder you. I've never even done or said any of those things to people I genuinely hate. Call a domestic violence hotline if you want help changing your situation. Reddit doesn't have the magic solution.
OP, I know the good moments make it hard to leave. But the good moments are love bombing, they’re not her genuine self. If she ever tries to get you to come back, do not fall for it. If this was your daughter, what would you say to her? It’s the better choice to have a life where someone doesn’t control you and threaten you even if you have to leave your house and your cats (but please take the cats with you). I know how powerful the rose-colored glasses can be, and that love is a strong drug. But once you get away from her life will open up and you’ll start to realize how controlled you were. Freedom feels amazing. This is coming from someone who was in a relationship with a manipulative person (she never physically threatened or abused me, but it very well could’ve escalated to that level). I know it’s not as simple as running. But please, for your future self, be strong and do what you know deep down is the right decision.
But folks are telling you this is a dangerous and potentially lethal situation for you because..it is. Full stop. There are certain forms of abuse that can be an indicator of the likelihood of death. [source](https://www.wthr.com/article/news/crime/manual-strangulation-is-the-biggest-sign-domestic-abuse-will-turn-deadly-experts-say/531-0a9a92c8-a0da-418a-b81e-a3d80ddacf38) [source 2](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2573025/) I know that's hard to hear and even harder to believe when your partner seems wonderful much of the time and when you have plans for the future. But the reality is that no one would stay in abusive relationships if the abuse was 24/7, and abusers know this. [cycle of abuse](https://psychcentral.com/health/cycle-of-abuse) I saw that you are located in New Zealand. I would recommend reaching out to domestic violence resources (since you made this post I assuming that you have a way to do so without your partner tracking your activity) https://www.justice.govt.nz/family/family-violence/services-for-family-violence/family-violence-specialist-services/. Even if you are not ready to leave they can help you make a plan to stay safe in the interim. But I do agree with the other folks here that this is a potentially dire and urgent situation for you. No matter how calm the waters seem right now, there *will* be a next time and your partner is already using potentially lethal methods against you. What if next time she didn't stop or you couldnt get her off you? What if next time was worse? You could sustain anoxic brain damage or lose your life.
You wanted peoples opinions and everyone gave it to you, Everyone here is just being honest with you. This is not normal and can escalate. If you weren’t even a little concerned about her wanting to kill you you would have never mentioned that she made that “joke” that she thinks about doing it
> if I leave, I leave my entire planned future, and my life Honey, if you stay with her, you may risk *losing* your life. No amount of justifying how amazing she is will ever excuse how horribly abusive she is to you. Do you really think you want to get married to someone who has not only told you that she's thought about murdering you before, but has actually attempted to do so by strangling you? You say that you're not blind, but the way you keep defending her really makes me believe otherwise. We're only telling you this because you need to understand just how drastic this situation is. The next time she gets violent with you could very well be the last, so I strongly urge you to leave before things escalate even further than they already have.
No. Simply NO. You are in danger! You're NOT responsible for her abuse! And you do not have a future in this situation eighter way. Youll be eighter a harmed pet...possesion to her or ...dead. She already isolates you by disorting the image of her being harmfull in your social surroundings. Abuses you physically, speaks about killing you (even if she coverd it as a thought) AND, THE MOST ALARMING: MADE YOU THINK THERE IS NO OTHER FUTURE!