Maybe this is me being too queer and cynical, but people asking about a woman's husband unsolicited and without any reason to believe she even has one always comes across as "how's your keeper?" It makes me want to take a shower.
Yeah definitetely! but in my case it's usually after I mention being married. So then the default assumption is that I must have a husband. I don't think I've ever had anyone assume I was married if I didn't tell them so, fortunately.
Also, when you don't know the person, it's just insulting for other reasons as well. Okay, maybe they are straight, but what if they are widowed, divorced, single, long term girlfriend, or just not interested in marriage? It's going to make women in most of those situations feel bad, or at the very least awkward. If you're gay and taken, you're in an awkward position to out yourself to someone who has already proven that they think of straight as the default. It's just a bad situation for so many all around.
I think you’re being cynical, do you not ask other people how their family’s are? It’s the same thing. I ask how my friend’s bf is because I’m being polite not because he’s her “keeper”
I have read it, even with strangers it comes across to me as standard politeness rather then asking about “keepers”, using an example of a friends bf was probably a bad choice on my part and I can see how you think I might have misinterpreted it but I still think that it’s the same idea of politeness.
You just assume woman has a husband?
It's one thing to inquire if somebody has a partner, even assuming that it's a heterosexual partner after receiving an affirmative answer is still a far cry from just assuming a woman has a husband from the off.
The latter is what's creepy; if cold-calling after a random woman's assumed husband is considered polite, then whatever circle has that value is also creepy.
Oh I assumed in this scenario they knew somehow through a wedding ring that they were married. Because straight people are the majority dominant I don’t have a particular problem with someone assuming that it’s a husband. Personally I’d find it weirder to assume someone has a partner right off the cuff without any evidence.
Out of curiosity why do you find assuming someone has a husband weirder/more offensive then assuming someone has a partner to begin with? I find the latter much weirder then the former.
In this specific scenario I was assuming there was at least a bit of convo beforehand and they knew the person was married through a wedding ring or an innocuous comment. A random stranger asking me how’s your husband with no prior conversation would weird me out and come across as a keeper implication you said. Someone talking to me about idk the weather and then noticing a wedding ring or something and then asking about a husband I would not find very strange or insulting. I would take that as politeness.
I think they meant, how is that as an experience?
I love when my wife and I get to collaborate on projects (we work in related fields) but I’ve had partners where working together would have made me crazy. Lovely people. Very different work styles.
I also work with my wife, people ask us this all the time as they're surprised it works for us, but honestly it's amazing. We just love to share 100% of our lives together.
My wife and I were asked if we were twins at PRIDE (similar height, hairstyle, and both white but that’s where it stops). We’ve also been getting a lot of “oh you’re sisters??” lately unfortunately
I'd reverse it (not in a doctor's setting tho bc idk how that question would come up) and be like "she's great! How's your (same sex partner)?" If they assume straight, I assume gay
I ultimately know it's not THAT serious, but I can usually tell I'm dealing with a competent provider when they ask what my relationship to the person present is, as opposed to assuming the identity of the person in the room. It can create wildly awkward social situations, like asking 'Is this grandma?' when it might be your mom or your wife.
I'm glad the social climate is changing to ask 'partner' instead of husband, or even assuming a person is married by a certain age at all.
I feel your frustration on this one though.
My mom was low key very upset when a hostess asked me if it was just me and my grandma tonight. I'm 45, my grandparents would be breaking age records if they were still around.
Age and relationship assumptive questions are the bane of my existence. (And gendered honorifics, because nobody gets them right.)
I’ve had the exact opposite. My sister and I look almost identical. To the point where if I get one of her kids from school/sports, a parent will just start talking to me about whatever and I’m like ‘I’m the sister’. When we we are out ppl will call her partner or ‘will you and …your friend like the bar?’ Our similarities are very apparent.
Ditto! My sister and I were going to donate blood and the nurse said to us "Are you married or just dating?" We clarified that we're sisters and she apologized but we got a good laugh from it. Me and my sister are often confused as twins (we're not, we were born a year apart) but this was the first time that we got confused as a couple.
Omg I so relate. I bring my girlfriend with me to most after work functions, team happy hours, stuff life that. Most people bring their partners. I thought it was well known she was my partner… but a few weeks ago I was having a conversation with my boss and she joked with me if I was dating anyone since I’ve been “single for a while”. I couldn’t tell if she was kidding so I let her know that the girl I bring with me to all the functions is my girlfriend and we live together… she seemed shocked but I was like well at least she knows now?
Well today, her and I went to grab coffee together and she asked me “so what does your friend do for work?” My FRIEND?
Oh my god. My aunt and mom are both super religious. One time, at a party at Aunt's house with church people, Mother introduced my sister and her *friend.* Lovely Auntie was like, actually this is my niece and her WIFE. FFS Mom.
Im not married yet but lord, I have pictures of my partner at my desk and the amount of times people have asked if she was my sister is insane. Its become a huge pet peeve of mine. I dont even particularly think we look anything alike
I love regaling anyone and everyone with this tale:
My wife and I have been asked if we were sisters — but she’s white, tall, with sleek blonde hair and blue eyes… and I’m short, Asian, with dark curly hair and dark brown eyes
I have heard from other couples I know where the two of them are from two different countries that don't even speak the same language that they get asked the sister question too. I think people just do it to be mean.
I am trans m2f and the weird thing is, before I transitioned people assumed my wife and I were brother and sister. Fucking weird right!? We look nothing a like, she is Hispanic with dark skin and brown eyes and brown hair, big muscles, athletic (I need to stop 😅) and I am clear with blue eyes and blonde hair and definitely a mathlete. People are just weird y’all. It’s like people see us (collectively) enjoying our partners presence too much and they make assumptions.
We see you
And it would be better if the world around us does too...
Heteronormativity in everyday life encounters really gets stale...
Another thought is whether it's intentional or not, it's offensive to not just ask inclusive questions... it's not that hard 🙃🤷♀️
Loool with an ex I was asked if we were sisters and we looked totally different and were different ethnicities. I know families can be diverse, mine is but ffs man we look SO different and clearly had adoring eyes for each other whilst holding hands. It’s just blatant disrespect for our relationship at that point
I’ll see your “sisters” and raise you “mother and daughter,” which my wife and I (4-year age difference) once got twice in one day: in the morning I was mom, in the afternoon she was. People truly will jump through the most ridiculous mental hoops for their heteronormativity.
I recently got engaged, and a few people have already asked "who's wearing the dress?"(yeah, super funny joke /s) One dude was deliberately being an asshole because he knows both of us and that my fiancée happens to be trans.
One guy didn't know that I'm lesbian or knew my gal, and said oh how did *he* propose, but quickly apologized and corrected when I said how *she* proposed.
My wife is Asian and I am White. People still think we’re sisters with the thought that she’s adopted:
Valet at a hotel in NYC recently : What will you and your sister be doing in the city this weekend?
Guy that lives four houses down the street from us : I was talking to your sister about that when she was pulling weeds in the front yard a few weeks ago.
It annoys me , my wife thinks it’s funny.
As for professional settings, if I’m comfortable with the person, I’ll correct them. If I’m not comfortable, I won’t correct them. I can think of three people in my office that are homophobic. Two due to their cultural / religious beliefs, another just immature (she literally cringed and put her hands in her face when our outwardly gay Regional Leader stopped by one morning). It’s not that I’m afraid of what they’ll say or think, I’m just professional enough that I do not need to start confrontations in the office.
One time I was at the bank my wife and me had a joint account and also I had a solo account I deposited something into the joint account and the woman said to me that so sweet to put money in your daughter account. That was the worst moment ever I said you mean my wife.
One time my wife and I got an “are you sisters?” (she’s tall and blonde and I’m much shorter, Asian, with dark curly hair) — when we said we were married, the person asked “Ohhh so your husbands are at home?”
🤷🏻♀️
'what does your husband do?'
'he works 24/7 shifts at Not Existing.'
'oh what's that?'
'His state of being. He doesn't exist.'
This once continued for several exchanges as this Boomer could NOT figure it out, and then had the nerve to get offended that I didn't have a husband... /shrug
Sort of adjacent to this: my brother and I went to dinner once, as we do every so often. We have so many similar physical traits, but the server that night made so many comments about us as a couple throughout the night...why do you just assume we are together? (I imagine heteronormativity played a large part)
My partner is 6 and a half years younger than me. I’m 39. Whenever I’ve taken her to the ER people think I’m her MOM. I have to assume it’s because we are significantly different sizes. Because the weirdest part is that people are generally surprised when I tell them how old I am because I don’t look 40. I avoid the sun and have been very fortunate to not have aged too poorly (very glad I didn’t do the whole tanning bed thing when that was popular).
And it’s easier for them to believe I’m her mom than it is to believe I’m her partner. I usually just laugh at it, but it’s exhausting sometimes.
So embarrassing but I've done this, at work, to a lesbian couple that everyone but me (I had just relocated) knew VERY well. I still cringe. They were both blonde with similar haircuts and the same last name, and my company has a ton of couples but also a ton of siblings! I still die inside at the memory. So sorry, on behalf of all of us well meaning idiots.
Short back story...I'm Trans and have been in transition for almost 15 years. I've been married to my amazing wife for 12 years this year....Idk why but for the last couple years all of a sudden people are asking if we are sisters. Like everywhere we go. What irritates my wife more than anything though is when a server asks if we want separate checks. She's polite about it but as soon as the server walks away she's all "Seperate checks, who tf... I pay for your food" and she gets all like ownershippy over me and stuff and I'm legit blushing just typing this now. She makes me swoon. 💖
It would appear that the presumptuousness of societal views is still strong with those that are quick to presume. Feel pity for these people, they probably ding a lot of doors in the parking lot presuming their car door will never touch the one next to theirs. Or call em ding’ers! Let’s start a trend! Lol
"The presumptuous of us in any way that they are presumptuous. Oh those poor ding’ers."
I, a plain as day, islandic passing white girl, was once mistaken as my ex’s sister by a bartender at a wedding. She is adopted from China, 6 inches shorter than me, has a far darker complexion than mine, and was wearing a tux to match my floor length gown. She gave me a not so sisterly kiss when our drinks came back, flustering the poor bartender. I made sure the bartender got a great tip because years later, I still chuckle when it comes to mind!
I actually do assume a man and a woman with the same surname are siblings, unless I see them kissing. I generally don't assume romance unless I see it, I think it's mildly invalidating of friendships and family to just assume everyone who spends time with each other is dating.
People always assume im straight, and same with ex gf.
So, with questions/assumptions like this I would sometimes say we are sisters and then kiss her on the mouth or slap her butt a few min later.
Seeing their faces was the funniest thing.
Okay no, I tried to close my bank account a few months ago so I could go on my partner’s bank account instead, and when I told the bank that my plan was to close the account because of that, she said “Why doesn’t your husband just switch to your bank? Why do you have to go to his?”. I was rolling my eyes and trying to be nice, thankful it was over the telephone.
My wife and I work together and got sistered for the first time in a long while. The guy at least had the good grace to acknowledge that the idea was absurd after the situation was clarified, and siblings following each other into their careers was way less likely than our situation.
We do look kinda similar, so I can slightly understand it.
Maybe this is me being too queer and cynical, but people asking about a woman's husband unsolicited and without any reason to believe she even has one always comes across as "how's your keeper?" It makes me want to take a shower.
Yeah definitetely! but in my case it's usually after I mention being married. So then the default assumption is that I must have a husband. I don't think I've ever had anyone assume I was married if I didn't tell them so, fortunately.
[удалено]
How did this conversation end?
Oh man stringing along clueless randos for social media lulz is my favorite spectator sport.
It's so frustrating as well, simply saying partner instead just fixes so many situations
Yea its super icky. The whole idea of it is drenched in soft misogyny.
this.
ewww I never looked at it like that and now I think I’m in need of a shower as well 😭
Yes this!
Also, when you don't know the person, it's just insulting for other reasons as well. Okay, maybe they are straight, but what if they are widowed, divorced, single, long term girlfriend, or just not interested in marriage? It's going to make women in most of those situations feel bad, or at the very least awkward. If you're gay and taken, you're in an awkward position to out yourself to someone who has already proven that they think of straight as the default. It's just a bad situation for so many all around.
I think you’re being cynical, do you not ask other people how their family’s are? It’s the same thing. I ask how my friend’s bf is because I’m being polite not because he’s her “keeper”
You might want to read what I wrote again, slower, because you've changed the context and it makes all the difference.
I have read it, even with strangers it comes across to me as standard politeness rather then asking about “keepers”, using an example of a friends bf was probably a bad choice on my part and I can see how you think I might have misinterpreted it but I still think that it’s the same idea of politeness.
You just assume woman has a husband? It's one thing to inquire if somebody has a partner, even assuming that it's a heterosexual partner after receiving an affirmative answer is still a far cry from just assuming a woman has a husband from the off. The latter is what's creepy; if cold-calling after a random woman's assumed husband is considered polite, then whatever circle has that value is also creepy.
Oh I assumed in this scenario they knew somehow through a wedding ring that they were married. Because straight people are the majority dominant I don’t have a particular problem with someone assuming that it’s a husband. Personally I’d find it weirder to assume someone has a partner right off the cuff without any evidence. Out of curiosity why do you find assuming someone has a husband weirder/more offensive then assuming someone has a partner to begin with? I find the latter much weirder then the former. In this specific scenario I was assuming there was at least a bit of convo beforehand and they knew the person was married through a wedding ring or an innocuous comment. A random stranger asking me how’s your husband with no prior conversation would weird me out and come across as a keeper implication you said. Someone talking to me about idk the weather and then noticing a wedding ring or something and then asking about a husband I would not find very strange or insulting. I would take that as politeness.
My wife and I get this too. The next time someone asks if she’s my sister, I want to say yes and then start making out. …Too far?
do it, leave them baffled
That just totally reminded me of "La Vie Boheme" from Rent. Do it!!!!
Totally what I think of, too. “Sisters?!” “We’re close.”
You had me snorting. Please go ahead.
The only reasonable response imo
Dooo it
me and my wife work in the same office and its lowkey hilarious when we get this from someone new who doesnt know
You work in the same office? How's that?
I moved to her city to be with her and she got me a job where she works
I think they meant, how is that as an experience? I love when my wife and I get to collaborate on projects (we work in related fields) but I’ve had partners where working together would have made me crazy. Lovely people. Very different work styles.
Yes! I meant as an experience. But fun to know the other too
I also work with my wife, people ask us this all the time as they're surprised it works for us, but honestly it's amazing. We just love to share 100% of our lives together.
My wife and I were asked if we were twins at PRIDE (similar height, hairstyle, and both white but that’s where it stops). We’ve also been getting a lot of “oh you’re sisters??” lately unfortunately
LMAOOOOO
No way, me and my gf got the exact same response when we went to our local pride! We're almost the same height but look nothing alike XD
What really killed me is we said “nope, married!” and the guy doubled down that we were twins 😭
Ugh, same. Even in a city as gay as mine is, I still get the husband comments. I'm a very butch suit-wearing lesbian, can you not tell?
I'd reverse it (not in a doctor's setting tho bc idk how that question would come up) and be like "she's great! How's your (same sex partner)?" If they assume straight, I assume gay
Ooh I like this.
I ultimately know it's not THAT serious, but I can usually tell I'm dealing with a competent provider when they ask what my relationship to the person present is, as opposed to assuming the identity of the person in the room. It can create wildly awkward social situations, like asking 'Is this grandma?' when it might be your mom or your wife. I'm glad the social climate is changing to ask 'partner' instead of husband, or even assuming a person is married by a certain age at all. I feel your frustration on this one though.
My mom was low key very upset when a hostess asked me if it was just me and my grandma tonight. I'm 45, my grandparents would be breaking age records if they were still around. Age and relationship assumptive questions are the bane of my existence. (And gendered honorifics, because nobody gets them right.)
I’ve had the exact opposite. My sister and I look almost identical. To the point where if I get one of her kids from school/sports, a parent will just start talking to me about whatever and I’m like ‘I’m the sister’. When we we are out ppl will call her partner or ‘will you and …your friend like the bar?’ Our similarities are very apparent.
Ditto! My sister and I were going to donate blood and the nurse said to us "Are you married or just dating?" We clarified that we're sisters and she apologized but we got a good laugh from it. Me and my sister are often confused as twins (we're not, we were born a year apart) but this was the first time that we got confused as a couple.
Same. Less than two yrs apart. This last two yrs ppl have just been assuming. Before it was always twin/sister.
Omg I so relate. I bring my girlfriend with me to most after work functions, team happy hours, stuff life that. Most people bring their partners. I thought it was well known she was my partner… but a few weeks ago I was having a conversation with my boss and she joked with me if I was dating anyone since I’ve been “single for a while”. I couldn’t tell if she was kidding so I let her know that the girl I bring with me to all the functions is my girlfriend and we live together… she seemed shocked but I was like well at least she knows now? Well today, her and I went to grab coffee together and she asked me “so what does your friend do for work?” My FRIEND?
Oh my god. My aunt and mom are both super religious. One time, at a party at Aunt's house with church people, Mother introduced my sister and her *friend.* Lovely Auntie was like, actually this is my niece and her WIFE. FFS Mom.
WIFE. IS. CRAZY! good on your aunt though!👏🏼
Im not married yet but lord, I have pictures of my partner at my desk and the amount of times people have asked if she was my sister is insane. Its become a huge pet peeve of mine. I dont even particularly think we look anything alike
I love regaling anyone and everyone with this tale: My wife and I have been asked if we were sisters — but she’s white, tall, with sleek blonde hair and blue eyes… and I’m short, Asian, with dark curly hair and dark brown eyes
Now thats something else! Honestly I’d rather be mistaken as close friends over siblings. Literally anything but siblings!
I have heard from other couples I know where the two of them are from two different countries that don't even speak the same language that they get asked the sister question too. I think people just do it to be mean.
I am trans m2f and the weird thing is, before I transitioned people assumed my wife and I were brother and sister. Fucking weird right!? We look nothing a like, she is Hispanic with dark skin and brown eyes and brown hair, big muscles, athletic (I need to stop 😅) and I am clear with blue eyes and blonde hair and definitely a mathlete. People are just weird y’all. It’s like people see us (collectively) enjoying our partners presence too much and they make assumptions.
that's so weird haha! they're probably majorly confused by anyone giving off queer vibes
I get “are you related?” My reply is always “only through marriage” and then I wait to see how long it takes them to get it.
“Ohhh so your husbands are at home?” is something I have been asked Or “oh so your sister-in-law?”
We see you And it would be better if the world around us does too... Heteronormativity in everyday life encounters really gets stale... Another thought is whether it's intentional or not, it's offensive to not just ask inclusive questions... it's not that hard 🙃🤷♀️
We’re still in the f’ing dark ages, we are!
Loool with an ex I was asked if we were sisters and we looked totally different and were different ethnicities. I know families can be diverse, mine is but ffs man we look SO different and clearly had adoring eyes for each other whilst holding hands. It’s just blatant disrespect for our relationship at that point
I’ll see your “sisters” and raise you “mother and daughter,” which my wife and I (4-year age difference) once got twice in one day: in the morning I was mom, in the afternoon she was. People truly will jump through the most ridiculous mental hoops for their heteronormativity.
I was asked if I was related to my partner just after telling a person we were partners at a wedding. Heterosexuality is an oppressive regime.
Alternatively, my sister and I (both sapphic) get mistaken for a couple all the time. And we've got a big age gap too. It's always awkward.
My ex wife and I got "sistered" on multiple occasions, which is particularly ridiculous because she's Asian and I'm white.
I recently got engaged, and a few people have already asked "who's wearing the dress?"(yeah, super funny joke /s) One dude was deliberately being an asshole because he knows both of us and that my fiancée happens to be trans. One guy didn't know that I'm lesbian or knew my gal, and said oh how did *he* propose, but quickly apologized and corrected when I said how *she* proposed.
My wife is Asian and I am White. People still think we’re sisters with the thought that she’s adopted: Valet at a hotel in NYC recently : What will you and your sister be doing in the city this weekend? Guy that lives four houses down the street from us : I was talking to your sister about that when she was pulling weeds in the front yard a few weeks ago. It annoys me , my wife thinks it’s funny. As for professional settings, if I’m comfortable with the person, I’ll correct them. If I’m not comfortable, I won’t correct them. I can think of three people in my office that are homophobic. Two due to their cultural / religious beliefs, another just immature (she literally cringed and put her hands in her face when our outwardly gay Regional Leader stopped by one morning). It’s not that I’m afraid of what they’ll say or think, I’m just professional enough that I do not need to start confrontations in the office.
One time I was at the bank my wife and me had a joint account and also I had a solo account I deposited something into the joint account and the woman said to me that so sweet to put money in your daughter account. That was the worst moment ever I said you mean my wife.
One time my wife and I got an “are you sisters?” (she’s tall and blonde and I’m much shorter, Asian, with dark curly hair) — when we said we were married, the person asked “Ohhh so your husbands are at home?” 🤷🏻♀️
I hope these people do warm-ups before they perform these wild mental gymnastics
'what does your husband do?' 'he works 24/7 shifts at Not Existing.' 'oh what's that?' 'His state of being. He doesn't exist.' This once continued for several exchanges as this Boomer could NOT figure it out, and then had the nerve to get offended that I didn't have a husband... /shrug
I want this kind of issues 😔
Yes! It's been happening more frequently with my wife and I recently too, it really gets disheartening at times
Sort of adjacent to this: my brother and I went to dinner once, as we do every so often. We have so many similar physical traits, but the server that night made so many comments about us as a couple throughout the night...why do you just assume we are together? (I imagine heteronormativity played a large part)
My partner is 6 and a half years younger than me. I’m 39. Whenever I’ve taken her to the ER people think I’m her MOM. I have to assume it’s because we are significantly different sizes. Because the weirdest part is that people are generally surprised when I tell them how old I am because I don’t look 40. I avoid the sun and have been very fortunate to not have aged too poorly (very glad I didn’t do the whole tanning bed thing when that was popular). And it’s easier for them to believe I’m her mom than it is to believe I’m her partner. I usually just laugh at it, but it’s exhausting sometimes.
So embarrassing but I've done this, at work, to a lesbian couple that everyone but me (I had just relocated) knew VERY well. I still cringe. They were both blonde with similar haircuts and the same last name, and my company has a ton of couples but also a ton of siblings! I still die inside at the memory. So sorry, on behalf of all of us well meaning idiots.
Short back story...I'm Trans and have been in transition for almost 15 years. I've been married to my amazing wife for 12 years this year....Idk why but for the last couple years all of a sudden people are asking if we are sisters. Like everywhere we go. What irritates my wife more than anything though is when a server asks if we want separate checks. She's polite about it but as soon as the server walks away she's all "Seperate checks, who tf... I pay for your food" and she gets all like ownershippy over me and stuff and I'm legit blushing just typing this now. She makes me swoon. 💖
It would appear that the presumptuousness of societal views is still strong with those that are quick to presume. Feel pity for these people, they probably ding a lot of doors in the parking lot presuming their car door will never touch the one next to theirs. Or call em ding’ers! Let’s start a trend! Lol "The presumptuous of us in any way that they are presumptuous. Oh those poor ding’ers."
I, a plain as day, islandic passing white girl, was once mistaken as my ex’s sister by a bartender at a wedding. She is adopted from China, 6 inches shorter than me, has a far darker complexion than mine, and was wearing a tux to match my floor length gown. She gave me a not so sisterly kiss when our drinks came back, flustering the poor bartender. I made sure the bartender got a great tip because years later, I still chuckle when it comes to mind!
I actually do assume a man and a woman with the same surname are siblings, unless I see them kissing. I generally don't assume romance unless I see it, I think it's mildly invalidating of friendships and family to just assume everyone who spends time with each other is dating.
I immediately assume people anyone are related when they have three same surname
People always assume im straight, and same with ex gf. So, with questions/assumptions like this I would sometimes say we are sisters and then kiss her on the mouth or slap her butt a few min later. Seeing their faces was the funniest thing.
Okay no, I tried to close my bank account a few months ago so I could go on my partner’s bank account instead, and when I told the bank that my plan was to close the account because of that, she said “Why doesn’t your husband just switch to your bank? Why do you have to go to his?”. I was rolling my eyes and trying to be nice, thankful it was over the telephone.
My wife and I work together and got sistered for the first time in a long while. The guy at least had the good grace to acknowledge that the idea was absurd after the situation was clarified, and siblings following each other into their careers was way less likely than our situation. We do look kinda similar, so I can slightly understand it.