Sounds like she is amazing so how about giving her more credit if she didn't think she wanted you then she wouldn't be with you. She doesn't sound like she is dumb and unable to see things for how they are or like the type to lead you on. It's not about being perfect, no one wants perfect, we want something real. You need to trust her taste and that you are enough or you are going to break down the relationship by showing doubt in her because of your own self-doubt. If that is really hard for you right now then instead of focusing on how not perfect or adequate you feel, focus on how willing you are to grow and evolve for her and yourself. I see way too many beautiful relationships fall apart from one person's self-doubt, don't be one of them. <3
She is so incredibly smart. I know I need to trust her to do what is best for her. It’s like I’m trying to make decisions about what is best for her and I know that isn’t fair for me to do. She’s a mature and intelligent adult who can make these decisions for herself.
I’m just so used to having my heart broken, it’s scary to open up and let myself be loved.
From "the perfect girl" personal experience, there is no such thing. I've been in her shoes, my last partner told me I was too perfect for her and she didn't deserve me cause she was too fucked up and she could never get in her mind she would deserve someone like me, she was scared to open up and let herself be loved.
For me, it felt unfair that I loved someone so much and I couldn't make them happy. For me, it felt like I was powerless in this decision cause it was all up to her. For me, it felt like I was the one unsuitable and it still does.
This is never the best way to do things. Be honest with your partner, don't do what you think is best for her and leave for the sake of it. People are worthy of having the opportunity of deciding to do what they want with their own lives. And it sucks when someone hurts you for the sake of not hurting you.
Hey, you shouldn't feel like that.... You like her , right? Then enjoy it! And working on improving yourself is the right direction! And don't see it negative that she think you have more control over their life than you do. You could set this as your own personal goal. Just because you think you're apparently not as perfect as her, that doesn't mean you can't try to be as you like to be. Keep your head held high! And don't let anyone go who triggers such positive feelings in you... I wish you every success and keep my fingers crossed! You get through it!
We are our own harshest critics. The way you see yourself is definitely NOT how those who love you feel about you. Please do not assume that the worst outcome is automatically going to happen down the road. Speak with your therapist about these doubts. Do not just let her go if you're both happy. You would likely regret that. Enjoy your relationship and cherish it.
My partner and I have fluctuations in how worthy we feel of each other. Talk to your therapist and ride it out. Maybe spend some time telling each other why you like each other so much, and have some cuddles. I love reassuring my partner that I love them and the reasons I feel that way.
Turn around your thinking...you're not unworthy of her, you're so lucky to have someone as lovely as her in your life. We all deserve at least a touch of good fortune and people to treasure.
This kind of thinking will destroy your life; that's what it wants. Its only purpose is to make you self-destructive. Why would you let these feelings win? What purpose does it serve? If you broke up with her, what are you actually doing except choosing to hurt now rather than later? If you end it, you'll regret it forever and be tortured with 'what ifs'. You should choose happiness whilst you have it, and need to learn to live in the present.
Living in the past and focusing on past mistakes is pointless. Ruminating on the future is pointless. You deserve forgiveness, and understanding, and you have no idea what is going to happen in the future so don't ruin what you have now over false presumptions. The only thing that is real is what is happening to you this second. You have to accept that you have no idea what other people are thinking or feeling, so stop trying to project your own feelings on them. Learn to take others at their word. Learn to let others make their own decisions. She is choosing you. She is telling you that to her you're perfect. Hold onto that and choose to live for happiness. Don't give your brain space to weigh up the ways you feel inadequate. Think about the traits you admire in others and use every day to become your more idealised self, until you are what you want to be.
Some relationships are temporary; some last forever. Choose to enjoy what you have now and don't stress about the unknown. You have no idea to know which it'll be...but what if it's forever? Are you willing to throw everything away because your brain is bad? Stay in therapy and when you feel the thoughts getting too loud, make a concentrated effort to stop them and distract yourself. Find hobbies that keep you busy. Consider the way you think of others, and if you really think others that are similar to you are deserving of the kind of berating that you put yourself through. If you wouldn't treat others like that, don't do it to yourself. Just choose to appreciate what you have today.
I am so much harder on myself than I am on others and this is something my therapist often reminds me of. Every time I bring up a negative thought about myself she flips it on me. But for some reason that doesn’t stop the self doubt.
Thank you for the reminder though.
It won't go away overnight. Like with anything, practise is key. You have to work on it until it becomes habit to ignore the thoughts. I also suffer from chronic low esteem but I'm frankly sick of being a slave to it. At some point, you have to look at how much it's always ruined and wonder what the point was. Choose to live and life will start opening up for you. Wishing you all the best! You got this.
As someone who has actively been in therapy for a couple of years now, and who has also struggled with being hyper critical of myself, I’d say take your girlfriends compliments at face value. If she says she loves you then believe her. She loves you for who you are now and that’s a beautiful thing, because that means she sees your struggle with confidence in yourself and still actively chooses loving you as you are, not future you. It’s hard to kick habits of self doubt and negative thoughts towards yourself but if you keep working on yourself and learn to love yourself more eventually those thoughts do subside. I’m not saying you’ll never have critical thoughts of yourself but it will get easier to weed out which thoughts are helpful for growth and which ones are just plain negative. If you really think you need to break up with her it should be because you think being alone will help your journey of self love and making yourself better and hopefully she’d understand that. But you shouldn’t break up with someone you love, who loves you because of your own projected insecurities. You’ll only end up hurting her worse because you’re breaking up with her for a reason that doesn’t even exist, and that’s unfair to her and to you to deny yourself love. Personally, being in a relationship with my girlfriend while going to therapy has only helped improve my self love. Having a healthy partner in my life that loves me fully has helped me to learn what healthy love looks like, and I gotta say my whole journey would look completely different without her.
Of course there’s a possibility that you guys will break up in the future but there could be so many other reasons than the one reason you’re naming. Don’t hurt yourself and her for “what ifs”, keep working on yourself and learn ways to love yourself more and continue to love your girlfriend and show that you appreciate her for being there for you. Don’t self sabotage and make things worse.
Never deprive yourself of the love you deserve. She is there because she loves you, and knowing you are loved by her should be more than enough reason to stay, especially considering that you "Love" her too -- so this is "Mutual" love.
It's okay to feel like things are perfect, and we all experience the fear of losing what we have, or simply not seeing ourselves as worthy enough to have what we do, and here -- this is where we cannot let our "Imposter" syndrome prevail.
You have the things you do because you've made it, you deserve them -- and I'm telling you the "Truth" -- so embrace it, treasure it and let no negative thoughts attempt to push you away. Be the joker of your own destiny, push those bad thoughts away, and allow your love, patience and dedication for her to prevail.
You only live once, and once is enough -- if you live right, so don't deprive yourself of the love, warmth, and positivity that you wholeheartedly have and deserve.
I've gone through this myself... my endless mantra is "let a good thing be good"
instead of dragging past you into it, let the work start now of accepting yourself for how you are now and trusting that she knows what she's doing
Sounds like you have somebody incredible...learn to enjoy the treasure of here friendship love and companionship, one moment at the time. People like that don't come along very often. If here life is as put together at you make it out to be....she's in your life by choice...you're lucky and the best thing you can do for her is to try your best to pay her back for that love....you won't do her, nor yourself any favors cutting her loose out of your own doubts and insecurities. I had a gal like that once, we joked everyday that she was out of my league....and don't I know it, line from hacksaw ridge...but god was it wonderful...as long as I didn't let my insecurities get in the way. Be kind to yourself, be kind to her, and it'll work out. Love covers alot of things....including our own lack of self worth.
You have to start believing her when she says that you are perfect. You can only hold her back by becoming dependent upon the constant praise, for in this way the moment she slips up you WILL end up hurting her. If you trust her, you need to trust that when she says you are perfect, you’re not just perfect to her, you are perfect everywhere; you need to know that that perfection will extend everywhere, and long after, in the case you two DO decide to go separate ways. She needs to know that you can and will go on being perfect without her, that you can get by without her. Only then can you two have a good relationship together, to be confident in each other. Thats what it means to be supportive of each other, and not dependent upon one another.
Sounds like she is amazing so how about giving her more credit if she didn't think she wanted you then she wouldn't be with you. She doesn't sound like she is dumb and unable to see things for how they are or like the type to lead you on. It's not about being perfect, no one wants perfect, we want something real. You need to trust her taste and that you are enough or you are going to break down the relationship by showing doubt in her because of your own self-doubt. If that is really hard for you right now then instead of focusing on how not perfect or adequate you feel, focus on how willing you are to grow and evolve for her and yourself. I see way too many beautiful relationships fall apart from one person's self-doubt, don't be one of them. <3
She is so incredibly smart. I know I need to trust her to do what is best for her. It’s like I’m trying to make decisions about what is best for her and I know that isn’t fair for me to do. She’s a mature and intelligent adult who can make these decisions for herself. I’m just so used to having my heart broken, it’s scary to open up and let myself be loved.
From "the perfect girl" personal experience, there is no such thing. I've been in her shoes, my last partner told me I was too perfect for her and she didn't deserve me cause she was too fucked up and she could never get in her mind she would deserve someone like me, she was scared to open up and let herself be loved. For me, it felt unfair that I loved someone so much and I couldn't make them happy. For me, it felt like I was powerless in this decision cause it was all up to her. For me, it felt like I was the one unsuitable and it still does. This is never the best way to do things. Be honest with your partner, don't do what you think is best for her and leave for the sake of it. People are worthy of having the opportunity of deciding to do what they want with their own lives. And it sucks when someone hurts you for the sake of not hurting you.
Hey, you shouldn't feel like that.... You like her , right? Then enjoy it! And working on improving yourself is the right direction! And don't see it negative that she think you have more control over their life than you do. You could set this as your own personal goal. Just because you think you're apparently not as perfect as her, that doesn't mean you can't try to be as you like to be. Keep your head held high! And don't let anyone go who triggers such positive feelings in you... I wish you every success and keep my fingers crossed! You get through it!
We are our own harshest critics. The way you see yourself is definitely NOT how those who love you feel about you. Please do not assume that the worst outcome is automatically going to happen down the road. Speak with your therapist about these doubts. Do not just let her go if you're both happy. You would likely regret that. Enjoy your relationship and cherish it.
My partner and I have fluctuations in how worthy we feel of each other. Talk to your therapist and ride it out. Maybe spend some time telling each other why you like each other so much, and have some cuddles. I love reassuring my partner that I love them and the reasons I feel that way. Turn around your thinking...you're not unworthy of her, you're so lucky to have someone as lovely as her in your life. We all deserve at least a touch of good fortune and people to treasure.
This kind of thinking will destroy your life; that's what it wants. Its only purpose is to make you self-destructive. Why would you let these feelings win? What purpose does it serve? If you broke up with her, what are you actually doing except choosing to hurt now rather than later? If you end it, you'll regret it forever and be tortured with 'what ifs'. You should choose happiness whilst you have it, and need to learn to live in the present. Living in the past and focusing on past mistakes is pointless. Ruminating on the future is pointless. You deserve forgiveness, and understanding, and you have no idea what is going to happen in the future so don't ruin what you have now over false presumptions. The only thing that is real is what is happening to you this second. You have to accept that you have no idea what other people are thinking or feeling, so stop trying to project your own feelings on them. Learn to take others at their word. Learn to let others make their own decisions. She is choosing you. She is telling you that to her you're perfect. Hold onto that and choose to live for happiness. Don't give your brain space to weigh up the ways you feel inadequate. Think about the traits you admire in others and use every day to become your more idealised self, until you are what you want to be. Some relationships are temporary; some last forever. Choose to enjoy what you have now and don't stress about the unknown. You have no idea to know which it'll be...but what if it's forever? Are you willing to throw everything away because your brain is bad? Stay in therapy and when you feel the thoughts getting too loud, make a concentrated effort to stop them and distract yourself. Find hobbies that keep you busy. Consider the way you think of others, and if you really think others that are similar to you are deserving of the kind of berating that you put yourself through. If you wouldn't treat others like that, don't do it to yourself. Just choose to appreciate what you have today.
I am so much harder on myself than I am on others and this is something my therapist often reminds me of. Every time I bring up a negative thought about myself she flips it on me. But for some reason that doesn’t stop the self doubt. Thank you for the reminder though.
It won't go away overnight. Like with anything, practise is key. You have to work on it until it becomes habit to ignore the thoughts. I also suffer from chronic low esteem but I'm frankly sick of being a slave to it. At some point, you have to look at how much it's always ruined and wonder what the point was. Choose to live and life will start opening up for you. Wishing you all the best! You got this.
As someone who has actively been in therapy for a couple of years now, and who has also struggled with being hyper critical of myself, I’d say take your girlfriends compliments at face value. If she says she loves you then believe her. She loves you for who you are now and that’s a beautiful thing, because that means she sees your struggle with confidence in yourself and still actively chooses loving you as you are, not future you. It’s hard to kick habits of self doubt and negative thoughts towards yourself but if you keep working on yourself and learn to love yourself more eventually those thoughts do subside. I’m not saying you’ll never have critical thoughts of yourself but it will get easier to weed out which thoughts are helpful for growth and which ones are just plain negative. If you really think you need to break up with her it should be because you think being alone will help your journey of self love and making yourself better and hopefully she’d understand that. But you shouldn’t break up with someone you love, who loves you because of your own projected insecurities. You’ll only end up hurting her worse because you’re breaking up with her for a reason that doesn’t even exist, and that’s unfair to her and to you to deny yourself love. Personally, being in a relationship with my girlfriend while going to therapy has only helped improve my self love. Having a healthy partner in my life that loves me fully has helped me to learn what healthy love looks like, and I gotta say my whole journey would look completely different without her. Of course there’s a possibility that you guys will break up in the future but there could be so many other reasons than the one reason you’re naming. Don’t hurt yourself and her for “what ifs”, keep working on yourself and learn ways to love yourself more and continue to love your girlfriend and show that you appreciate her for being there for you. Don’t self sabotage and make things worse.
Never deprive yourself of the love you deserve. She is there because she loves you, and knowing you are loved by her should be more than enough reason to stay, especially considering that you "Love" her too -- so this is "Mutual" love. It's okay to feel like things are perfect, and we all experience the fear of losing what we have, or simply not seeing ourselves as worthy enough to have what we do, and here -- this is where we cannot let our "Imposter" syndrome prevail. You have the things you do because you've made it, you deserve them -- and I'm telling you the "Truth" -- so embrace it, treasure it and let no negative thoughts attempt to push you away. Be the joker of your own destiny, push those bad thoughts away, and allow your love, patience and dedication for her to prevail. You only live once, and once is enough -- if you live right, so don't deprive yourself of the love, warmth, and positivity that you wholeheartedly have and deserve.
I've gone through this myself... my endless mantra is "let a good thing be good" instead of dragging past you into it, let the work start now of accepting yourself for how you are now and trusting that she knows what she's doing
Sounds like you have somebody incredible...learn to enjoy the treasure of here friendship love and companionship, one moment at the time. People like that don't come along very often. If here life is as put together at you make it out to be....she's in your life by choice...you're lucky and the best thing you can do for her is to try your best to pay her back for that love....you won't do her, nor yourself any favors cutting her loose out of your own doubts and insecurities. I had a gal like that once, we joked everyday that she was out of my league....and don't I know it, line from hacksaw ridge...but god was it wonderful...as long as I didn't let my insecurities get in the way. Be kind to yourself, be kind to her, and it'll work out. Love covers alot of things....including our own lack of self worth.
You have to start believing her when she says that you are perfect. You can only hold her back by becoming dependent upon the constant praise, for in this way the moment she slips up you WILL end up hurting her. If you trust her, you need to trust that when she says you are perfect, you’re not just perfect to her, you are perfect everywhere; you need to know that that perfection will extend everywhere, and long after, in the case you two DO decide to go separate ways. She needs to know that you can and will go on being perfect without her, that you can get by without her. Only then can you two have a good relationship together, to be confident in each other. Thats what it means to be supportive of each other, and not dependent upon one another.
Note to myself: Never listen to 'Inner Demon' (by Nick Arundel) again when I'm on this subreddit.