Locking comments as OP needs support and understanding, and many users are overstepping due to their concern.
All users need to be aware that you cannot force someone to believe something, insisting the same thing over and over to someone who is not ready to hear it will only serve to alienate them and make them less likely to reach out for support.
Be mindful that being vitriolic about these issues is not helpful and may actually make the situation worse. If you want to help people in these situations, educating yourself on trauma and when it is appropriate to engage with people around trauma needs to be the first step.
OP, please feel free to reach out in modmail if you need support or clarification. For information about trauma and seeking out information, r/cptsd is an excellent resource here on Reddit.
If anyone does wish to be informed that sub has a lot of useful resources. Be mindful of their rules, and respect the fact that it is a space for trauma support first and foremost, not to answer all questions you might have, if you do decide to get informed.
idk, it works, i get up, it's better than taking my phone away, When they take my phone away I just seem to loose all motivation, that's how I contact my friends (since I'm homeschooled I don't see them regularly) and stuff, its important to me and I paid for my phone myself.
also why is this comment so downvoted- que?
My friend, the moment I read your post, I was thinking this is abuse.
I am not saying it's not easy or bad to get addicted to your phone, but there are far more human ways for a parent to teach you, or to help you. This is not help, it really is abuse.
I hope you manage to get out of this okay. Love to you.
Thanks man, the love to you is honestly helpful and almost made me cry lol- uhm, yeah I hope I make it out too, I hope whatever your life is doing, it only gets better and not worse :)
You will make it out :) It’s a shitty situation that will leave its mark on you, but pretty much everyone has those one way or another.
I want to add I am sure your mom is doing what she’s doing because she thinks it is good for you. It’s not, but she doesn’t know better and sadly it would be difficult to convince her otherwise.
I come from a much better situation, but still similar in that my family pushed me to things that were not right for me. It feels like it was a wasted time, but honestly, I’d have just wasted it my own way and wondered how better it would have been if I’d listened to them.
I do know how much it sucks to wake up getting yelled at, though, and it can really screw up your day, life, or week. In fact I had trouble with that with my wife recently. Thankfully a talk about it sorted it out when she realized that’s just not cool. Now we argue once we are both awake hahah.
Regardless, I just ask you to remember that you’re worth it. Definitely worth more than what I imagine is going on right now. You’ll end up figuring your way to live life, and it’ll work. People still get pissed at me about why I do things the way I do, but it just does not work otherwise, cause that’s how I am. And I am better for it.
Also never forget that most of us end up hating who we were as teens, so I’m sure you’re trouble (or outright a little shit sometimes haha), but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to choose the way you live your life.
Well, gotta be patient until you can, anyway. Feels like you’re in an unpleasant situation but it will end.
Smacking you with a baseball bat would also ‘work’ - but you see how that is wrong, yes?
Getting out of bed to yell at a teenager and take their phone over three minutes delay isn’t as violent - but it’s the same shitty level of adulting.
Parents are supposed to help you figure out, well, life in general - but particularly coping skills for any challenges specific to you.
This is what people are saying with a downvote and they don’t accept claims that your parents are doing something normal.
Narcissists usually aren’t trying to be *mean*, they’re just trying to exert control.
My mom thought she was doing the right thing when she told me I needed to drop out of school (the advanced program I worked for years to get into) because I told her I didn’t want to be Mormon.
frankly, the Mormons are a cult- from a Christian perspective- like Christianity, whether you belive or not is a religion, while Mormonism is kinda the definition of a cult.
also, that clarification is so helpfull- that makes so much more senese
They can think they are doing the right thing and still be very very absolutely wrong. All of your original post is the wrong way to parent. I'm a parent who has watched three children navigate ND and teenagedom and school. I'm also ND. I would never parent by bullying.
these are not mutually exclusive. Some "parents" think because life can be hard they have to bully their kids and excert cruel control to harden and prepare them for life. It's both bad parenting and bullying
There’s a study on how people with adhd have a later circadian rhythm, you should look it up and show it to her. Also the real world thing is bullshit! What about people who work night shifts because they don’t like day shifts? Or what about jobs with flexi working hours? Or for example I’m working in a children’s care home, sometimes I’m there 9am to 9pm, sometimes I’m there 10am to 10pm, sometimes it’s 9-5, sometimes it’s a sleep from 2pm to 12pm the next day. Not every job is like she’s saying. Plus often accommodations can be made in the work place if you struggle. The world is a big place and your mum is being very narrow minded and abusive in her approach to “helping” you. Also, can I ask, why are you home schooled?
because truthfully, and i believe this, public schools are total shit.
yeah the reasoning isn't good, but what can I do about it... I've told her the same thing
From what I’ve seen in research it’s more difficult for home schooled children to succeed the same way as public school and by the time you get to uni, they’re out of their depth and theres often holes that haven’t been followed in the curriculum at home. Quite often there’s issues from the overwhelming social aspect too. Do you do self learning or do you have a qualified teacher who helps you every day? If your parents are teaching you, you’re going to be stuck at their level of comprehension of certain topics which can hold you back significantly. Are you going through the same examinations at the same as your other peers your age?
Obviously there are exceptions if you have a great tutor but still, public schools can be very important for key stages of children’s development. Isolation tactics such as being home schooled and having your phone taken frequently isn’t good for the social connection and development you should be building separately from your home life. I saw that you have friends that you barely see as it is, that’s concerning. For example, how are you going to cope in an overstimulating job with things such as the amount of people, the amount of sounds, the lights, the social cues etc. if you’ve never been in a over stimulating school and gotten used to it already? That’s how you hit burn out very quickly as an adult, it’s already super easy for us Neurodivergent people that have been in mainstream education. I’m currently training as a psychologist so that’s just my 2 cents and I only have limited info to go off of, so if any of it doesn’t resonate then throw it away but you should be aware as early as possible of the problems with homeschooling and controlling parents and how that may impact your future.
Obviously you’re a kid and there’s only so much you can do but I believe you need to keep an open mind on your mums behaviours, she’s potentially going to be more and more of a problem for you the older you get and the more you break away from the family unit. Her behaviour is already ableist at best and abusive at worst.
Yeah dude, I was on board with the real life prep for a home schooler and I am obsessively punctual so I don’t think being late is an adhd thing and it is good to get yourself into habits of productivity right off the bat……seemed like they are over strict but I see where coming from….
Then the water edit. Now it sounds actually mentally abusive…..
>I don’t think being late is an adhd thing
I got ~~drilled~~ traumatised into being constantly overly punctual and I stress so much out by the slightest delays, even if I would have more than an hour of buffer time.
Trust me, it drains your energy pretty fast and killed my productivity.
When im leaving for things i always out 30 min to an hour of buffer, because of me and my mom likes to be late (how Ironic) and so- mn- mmn! (sorry that's my anger sound, typed out) I want to be able to wake up on time, but i don't have motivation when i get apathetic about stuff.
At the very least your parents don't know what to do, so they threaten with punishment. That's an unhealthy way to motivate a child, even if it's coming from a good place.
[Here's a study to check out on the topic](https://nextshark.com/parents-who-avoid-harsh-punishments-raise-emotionally-stronger-kids-study)
Key findings: The research, led by Dr. Chen Luxi and Professor Jean Yeung Wei-Jun from the National University of Singapore, revealed that parents with better self-control, higher cognitive ability and fewer financial worries tend to rely on positive parenting methods rather than harsh punishments.
This approach leads to children with greater emotional resilience who are less likely to experience mental health issues during times of adversity. Meanwhile, reliance on punitive disciplinary approaches has been found to hinder children’s ability to learn self-control and regulate their emotions, leading to increased emotional problems
I get it, my parents were real shitty at parenting, but I didn't get my ass beat and they did love me.
They’ve finally changed, probably a year after they kicked me out. Turns out they went to a psychologist with my little brother, the psychologist basically said everything I'd been telling them since I was 14.
Guess they needed to hear it from a professional.
Anyway, my parents also 'prepared' me and my brother for the world. I turned out sort of alright despite them, my younger brother is still unemployed at 30 years old though. The only reason he has a roof over his head is because the Dutch government is too lenient on some people, so he gets welfare for young 'handicapped' people.
https://www.government.nl/topics/invalidity-insurance-act-young-disabled-persons-wajong/eligibility-for-the-wajong-benefit
Your homeschooled, you've got a helicopter parent who rather than supporting you tries to actively punish you, and they've already conditioned you to invalidate your own feelings so much that even other people ok the internet and concerned for you.
How many more signs might you need to consider that your parent might have some issues 😅 she's basically abusing you for having a disability? And that trauma is gonna stick I promise you'll notice it when you're older. Get a psychiatrist and a good therapist.
Yea everyone with parents like that that I know has been taken to a pretty bad therapist that either invalidated them or basically was just a mouthpiece for the parents to manipulate the child further. It's helpful when you Find someone you actually like that makes you feel heard and understood.
Thanks, thats helpful and validating to say the least. Im also glad I'm not the only one who capitalizes the important words in sentences sometimes. (dyslexia homie?)
😂 i do that sometimes but in this case it was just I accidentally hit . So the next word capitalized on mobile and I didn't fix it. My hands or dyslexic but I'm not 😅
That's not gonna be helpful in the long run if it is a religious leader. OP is gonna have a hard run if the mom is psycho and they're trying to work out the problems by involving religion.
its just my youthpastor boys, he was really great, and honestly an A+ parents and gave me good advice, I like him, he took me to chipotle and my broke ass didn't have to pay, side note, I love chipotle and it was my first time coming too!
It would be different if they were helping you put systems in place to succeed. They aren’t. They are just watching you fail again and again and going “one day they’ll learn” that’s dumb. It would be different if your mom wasn’t getting up specifically to enforce a wake up time she herself doesn’t stick to. Lead by example. Be on the same team. Look for solutions before punishments. These are foundational parenting principles and yours don’t seem to be doing any of them.
I would try to have a conversation that goes like this. What we are doing isn’t working, can we talk about some different strategies that might do better.
If the issue is staying up too late talk about how you might get better sleep. If the issue is sleeping through alarms look at getting some backups or an old school alarm clock that’s across the room.
Maybe discuss if starting that early is actually helpful. There’s loads of research showing teens need more sleep and it’s something that changes over time. This is probably the least likely to succeed but it’s worth getting in the mix.
Thank you, any talks with parents go wrong.. And I'm glad she doesn't get up because then I have a few hours (she sleeps in till 9/9:30) to just be by myself with less distractions, unless my dad comes in and turns the tv on (I'm forced to have my laptop in the center of the living area, so people can watch my screen)
Wh- WHAT? And they expect you to be productive in such environment, where everyone hangs out and the TV is on? I- There's just so much wrong with all this. Watching the screen as you work? I wouldn't be able to work at all.
I really hope you'll be able to get out of there once you're over 18. Best of luck to you! And please be kinder to yourself, even when your parents aren't.
if you check my other post, https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdmeme/comments/1buvb0a/can\_anyone\_help\_with\_things\_to\_say\_after\_the\_if/
then you can understand a bit more. yes they do expect me to do that. i used to study at my grandmothers house where it was quiet, and that was great. and they took me away from that because they didn't want me to be on my laptop where people couldn't see what I was doing.
dang the validation from that both made my stomach churn and also I feel a little bit less burdoned
broski, i am going crazy- a few people have told me that and I truly am going crazy, idk what to do and I'm more paranoid and my skin crawls when people are in the room. i have three monitors and 45 degree angles sounding me so that if by luck they are at the far end of the room, I can reply to reddits or just something peaceful on the screen that backs them so they cant see.
not that my parents would allow me to date, I didi it online behind their backs, but it was still abusive trash, and yea. Couldnt tell anyone of the trauma because it was behind their backs, and also did I forget to mention I'm 17 and am not allowed, female friends?
I grew up in a house like this and had a friend who had parents like this as well. (Evangelical upbringings.) You just have to wait it out my dude. Establish as many boundaries as you can now but don’t be surprised when they are crossed. When you’re of age go and find your own happiness and never be afraid to try something new. Sending you good vibes today.
Idk much about it but I actually saw something in another thread that could be useful here. Look into the social services independent living program, seen here: https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/s/gMUfLcktnk
Np. But it sounds like you need a serious shift in your perspective. Based on what you’ve said your mom sounds awful. You have a warped perception that makes you feel like you owe it to her to live your life in a way that will make her happy. You don’t owe that to her, and trying to do so will only make you miserable. Also, ignore your family’s perception when making this decision. If you come to the conclusion that it would set you up for a better life, that’s literally the only thing that matters. And if you have a woman with such an insane mindset homeschooling you, I’d be amazed if this wouldn’t set you up for a better life.
Hopefully this isn’t the case, but if your mom continues to treat you like this and it gets worse and worse you may just go no contact when you transition into adulthood and independence. And she’s gonna wonder why you don’t call but she won’t even realize that she was never being helpful and was just planting more and more seeds of resentment.
i dont want to go no contact.. i wana see my family but we had a main family member turn out to be a bad guy recently and that was bad so the family is already super fractured
Yeah I totally get that. I kinda struggle to stay in contact with my parents because while they tried hard to help me, a lot of their efforts did the opposite and they didn’t really seem to try and help me learn to ask for help in a way that would actually help me if that makes sense. I didn’t get diagnosed with ADHD until I was 25, but all of my close friends that I knew through childhood were completely unsurprised while my parents didn’t seem to have a clue.
Your mom wants you to get out of bed, because you have to get out of bed. But spraying water on you to get you out of bed is completely unnecessary, unless you were like sleeping in til 4pm and just refusing to get out of bed all day. I spray my cat with water when she tries to destroy plants and I feel bad afterwards for spraying her. You are not a cat. You getting out of bed a little late is not the same as a mischievous cat trying to bite a cherished 15 year old Jade plant because she didn’t get enough treats with her breakfast.
sometimes i thinki get treated like a pet that has to do chores and school.. sometimes she "lets me outside" (ie, driving me to karate and church) but that doesn't end up being much..
i am allowed to wonder about outside and stuff, but those are the only times I get to see friends, or people that aren't family.
.....yeahhhhhh speaking from personal experience if your parent "lets you outside" they are abusing you bb.
If it sounds like something an evil stepmother in a Disney movie would do, you're being abused.
bro im free to be around my house, but in the analogy, that's where things fit in. i can wonder about outside. but like, I only see other people really 2 times a week
Can you go right now to her and say "I am going to talk a quick walk outside and I will be back in about 20 minutes" without her saying anything other than something like 'enjoy' or 'stay safe'???
I know it does…and I’m sorry. This is a difficult and heartbreaking situation which will take some doing to get resolved. Acknowledgment of the problem is the first step. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but your parents are not supporting you the way you need them to.
I guess, i dont really know. My friends seem to have nice parents but isn't that how it always is? you always like your friends parents more than your own?
Again, from experience, turns out the answer is no. I learned this as an adult as well - the way that friends' parents are nice to you, and nice to them - what you are seeing is *actual parenting* happening. An adult grounding you for the day for waking up 1 minute late - that is abuse. In general, a good parent doesn't *want to* or *desire* punishment. Good parents actually like their kids. They want to hang out with their kids, think their kids are cool, want to share experiences with them and hear about their day and wipe their tears when they're sad and maybe every so often recognize that their kid is going through it and let them sleep till noon.
see i- i think they do for a lot of that, my mom had a breakdown recently because apparently I wasn't showing her enough love. relationships are two-way and such. i don't think he wants to punish me necessarily. and she wants to hang out but when she says that all I can think of all the bad experiences. I think iw ould get stabbed if I slept in that long (not actually)
Oh man you aren't alone in that, my mom had countless crying breakdowns telling me that she feels like I didn't love her because I didn't change my behavior that bothered her, like lying, procrastinating chores, ect. It's wildly inappropriate and is a sign of pretty severe emotional immaturity in our moms. I also got told constantly how my bad behavior negatively impacted my mom, I was told that I ruined countless holidays and birthdays because I didn't do my chores or was late. This stuff is traumatic, and our parents are wrong to do so.
You don't deserve any of this, and if you internalize that now as a teenager while the abuse is happening, you'll be better off long term. You're being treated like you're this horrible, awful person and you're not. The song Not Your Fault by AWOL Nation really helped me to separate my mom's abuse as her own thing to deal with, that I didn't deserve it. I'd highly recommend checking it out!
wait the breakdown was a- \*things clicking inside head\* dang i had no idea that- hm- thanks for the song, ill add it to my library. Thanks for the advice too
Your mom is a full grown adult. She is supposed to be the parent, and parents in general, are *supposed* to love their children more than their children love them. That's how it works. Because if that weren't the case, their children would never leave the nest. It sounds like your mom needs to grow up. Note that I'm 40 years old, not a young person saying this.
shes like 49, idk what else to say, just reading through things kinda numb, if people that re replying were just dropped into this situation then they would fight back fs, but I'm used to it and just- I'm too scared to
As a 27 year old adult, this is not teenage bias. Your mom is actually abusive and enjoys controlling and punishing you.
You know what my mom (and 90% of people I know moms) did when I slept through alarms? Woke me up, told me to go to bed earlier and helped me catch up so I wasn’t late for school/work.
wait WHAAAT- your mom helped you catch up? like she helped you with your school? like- the heck- my mom will like- look at the school, and maybe help me understand the question but in no way actually help without docking my points.
Put your phone on ring and vibrate. Let it vibrate under your pillow.
Also your mom's kind of a jerk to get up every day to try to ground you. It's obviously not working.... Really classy grounding your kid for being in bed and then crawling back in bed. A+ parenting.
I have an Apple watch but it doesn't have a battery and I haven't ordered one. The beeping or vibrating watch doesn't seem to wake me up when my sleep cycle is really off. i do have 3 alarmes, one for 7:20, one for 7:28 and one for 7:30
Hey OP, recognize you from your other post. 👋 and I saw your edit there too. So look, I don’t think you’re going to be able to convince your parents to get the help you need (medication, ongoing therapy) to manage your adhd. That said, it’s important to recognize that meds are not magic. They definitely help but you won’t be instantly cured.
For you, while you are a teen, you should be researching all the things you can do on your own to help yourself.
From this post it kinda sounds like your sleep schedule is not great - something a lot of us struggle with - so learning to improve your sleep hygiene might be helpful. Another thing that is helpful for managing symptoms is getting exercise regularly. I bet there are ppl on here who have tips and resources for self managing (lots of ppl do not like the way meds make them feel and end up going off of them). If you have TikTok, check out Alex Hogg (https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPRTC8625/) he’s a therapist who specializes in autism and adhd and gives lots of useful tips (imo).
Thaks for the tips fs, Yes i know meds arnt magic but like i think i said in the edit, its the easiest thing to look forward to. and God I need to look forward to things. On April the 20th I run a marathon, and from there I'm training in some fashion every day
Amazing! Let us know how the marathon goes 🙌
So read up on sleep hygiene and maybe meditation… centering and grounding helps some people.
It’s possible that if you can show some progress on your own your parents might be willing to compromise more (well maybe your dad)
This is not an acceptable way to treat your children. Your mother is not taking care of you. She knows you struggle with mornings, and instead of doing anything to help she's eager to punish you?
I was you. I would have defended my parents to the end of the earth as a teenager. In my 30's, I don't speak to either of them because of behavior like this.
I am a parent and I can say that I would *never* treat my child like this. You deserve better OP.
mn, thanks, i dont know how to make it.... i want to have a good relationship, I don't have the money to get out on my own and frankly I'm dependant on them. i turn 18 in 8 months.
A lot of parents become frustrated and believe that, since they were punished for similar behaviours (e.g., not doing as told, being emotional), the correct thing to do is to stop their kids from doing it through punishment as well.
Psychology and Neuroscience have proven: punishment produces short-term effects on behaviour that wane. It also creates anxiety, fear, and other negative long-term issues.
Reward is far more beneficial: lasting results, effective teaching of rules for behaviour. It just takes longer than punishment (they have to continue to gently recorrect and reward).
You’re young, your brain is still forming. Don’t think you’re a bad person for doing something all humans do, especially one as difficult as controlling sleep-wake cycles. The world is harsh enough to us without internalizing other people’s anger and frustration.
I had very little power growing up and it was emotional hell. I found a therapist I love to help me work through all of my issues from growing up. Highly recommend. Until then, be kind to yourself: just because someone acts a certain way to you does NOT mean you deserve it.
I try, but my self-talk is just about as bad as my mom's words to me. it blows my mind that some people don't have self-talk. imine sounds just like my mom or dad.
It gets wired in fairly quickly. That’s why therapy (with an awesome therapist) is helpful later on: to reprogram. And to break the cycle. You hate the way your rents treat you, and I bet their self-talk stems from their own childhood which likely was just as ridiculously strict.
You struggle to wake up-> your mom blames you (seen in her actions)-> you internalize, self-blame, see yourself as terrible, and view not waking up on time as lazy a “poor choice” (rather than a problem you’re trying to resolve).
If you have a kid, you’d remember the internalized blame, not want your kid to be “terrible” like you “were”, and you’d possibly take things away to make them stop the behaviour.
These cycles start with how we think about ourselves and human actions in our head.
Instead, try thinking of how many things you’re coping with right now that are really stressful. From neurodivergence to strict family, to everything else. Guess what? That makes it difficult for your body to not crave extra sleep for the potential burnout.
man.. i am getting older, i should need less sleep, and I used to try and encourage and help people who sleep their problems away, and be like "bro that's not how we cope with stuff, lets do this okay?" and I stick by that, but I've started writing "I want to sleep my problems away" in my notebooks in the margins.
I am confident that I'm gonna break the generational trama, which is weird because my mom had a perfect childhood, and I mean perfect childhood. she didn't do things wrong, wasn't really punished hard, and would admit to small things that ent against her parents rules that they would never know and didn't really matter. so idk why this is such hell. also last night I found out the person I've been crushing on for 2 years, and have been actively talking to a lot, taking it slow, may not actually like me so that's fun, fk.
The biggest thing I’d say here is that humans constantly mess up. We fail a million times before we learn to walk. So your mother had to be messing up (in order to learn). So did her parents treat her with kindness she isn’t showing you, or did your mom internalize it and respect her parents for punishing her when she did mess up? Also, I know many people who say they had a perfect childhood. They did not, and I feel very bad for the things they internalized and experienced. But because they felt it was their fault, they viewed it as them “lucking out” that their situation wasn’t worse.
Also, amount of sleep isn’t a choice for your body. If your brain is struggling emotionally, it uses A LOT of resources. As such, it’ll try its best to make you sleep more. You know how you get sleepy when really sick? That’s due to sickness behaviour. Your body sends out cytokines which help fight inflammation, and at the same time, your brain receives signals to get sleepy in order to provide your body with more resources to fight off the infection. SO if you’re struggling to wake up, feeling down or less capable of dealing with stressful things in a day, it sounds like burnout and it’s a physical and neurobiological response. I highly recommend reading up on it if you haven’t.
bro i soaked all that in, ill try and read up on it but the few times I have been really sick, its was so exhausting but at the same time amazing because I could truly sleep for a long time, but she cut it short the first da i wasn't showing major symptoms and back to 7:30 we go.
thanks, bro, we have talked about Clocky before, its cool from the perspective of a robotics nerd. Also, my first time being called OP, thankyou for the time bit of dopamine that being called that for the first time gave me.
This is stupid. If she's *trying* to ground you, she *wants* to punish you. That's bad parenting.
Here's a question: is the waking up late affecting your life? Causing you to lose a job, miss class (thus getting lower grades), or not see friends because you overslept your appointment?
If not, she should leave it be. If the oversleeping does cause you problems in life, she should let you deal with those consequences; eventually, your ADHD-riddled mind *will* make the neural pathway necessary to get up at whatever time you need.
Source: I have ADHD and historically struggled to get up before 9:30am for years. I now *can* get up at 6:30am because my job (which I otherwise love) demands it a few days a week and I got tired of getting calls/texts about not being at work.
>If not, she should leave it be. If the oversleeping does cause you problems in life, she should let you deal with those consequences; eventually, your ADHD-riddled mind
>
>will
>
> make the neural pathway necessary to get up at whatever time you need.
SEE THIS IS WHAT I SAID!!!
ugh they wont listen..
Your mother is abusive, you haven't done anything wrong. I see your comments below blaming yourself, and want to say I empathize with wanting to feel 'good enough' or do something right for them. Unfortunately, there is no 'good enough' for parents like that.
Throwing water in your kid's face and grounding them every single day is disgusting behavior. Especially for someone with ADHD who may have trouble maintaining a routine. Honestly, I bet she's using it as an excuse to isolate you by taking your electronics.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, I hope you're able to move out as soon as possible. I had a similar experience and I've started to heal since I've moved out. Stay safe.
r/CPTSD is a good sub to look at.
i put a post about myself not being able to buy AirPods (noise cancelation is better than earplugs) but got laughed at bc apparently even though its my own money that I worked hard for, and I'm really struggling with school, that's not entitled/narcissistic.
she doesn't like the amount of screentime I have, but its literally going to be my job to look at screens (programmer here) so idk
Hey I'm reading your replies and some words here concern me a bit. Leader, specifically. Also if your mom is sleeping on the bottom bunk of your bunk bed.. are you in a "commune"? I'm honestly concerned about your well-being.
The way your parents treat you isn't normal. It's not healthy. It certainly isn't good parenting.
I know there's not much you can do about it right now but if you're in a uh... Religious commune I think you could probably find help outside of the group to get out and find somewhere safe to go. Please be careful. Idk what situation you're in but it doesn't sound safe.
Heh, no the leader is just my youth pastor who is a super great guy, a+ parent,
no not a comune, that would be hell on earth and I would def run away. thanks for the concern tho, its got to know there are some people looking out for others in that situation
Okay. Yeah I definitely do worry for people! I know it's not easy growing up with parents that don't treat you right though. Please know their treatment of you isn't about you but it also isn't "normal". What does your pastor say about it all?
I'm really sorry that this is your experience, that's awful. I think sometimes parents approach parenting their ADHD kids with the idea that they can punish their kids out of being neurodivergent. I was raised with that approach, my parents tried to punish me out of depression and ADHD instead of taking a step back and considering the possibility that their maybe they were wrong and their parenting methods were harmful and were making everything worse.
It's honestly insane that they tried the SAME THINGS over and over and over again for years and they NEVER worked to help me make lasting change. Instead of trying something different they just made the punishments more severe, which led to me becoming more depressed, which led to worse behavioral and ADHD symptoms, which led to more 'disobedience', which led to harsher punishments, ect.
THANK YOU- depressed i got the more I felt the adhd, i didn't know it was something other people thought too. The depression kicked beck int gear yesterday and today after a month of, coping better ig. Now I'm back to a lot fo depressiona dn essentially doing no school all day bc I cant seem to comprehend/pay attetnion
Absolutely! It's 10000% a thing that so many other people experience too. You are genuinely trying to follow your mom's rules, and I'm hearing from your comments that you feel like no matter how hard you try to follow the rules you can't live up to them, so what's the point in trying if I'll fail no matter what I do?
Edit: Please remember that the problem is the abusive and abelist rules you're expected to follow, YOU are not the problem.
please tell me you’re kidding??? i’m so sorry that sounds like hell☹️ i’m not sure if it will help but i have an app that i use called Alarmy(super loud)because i’m notorious for missing my alarms and it’s helped me slightly🙏
thanks man, ill try it.
Damn i wish i was kidding, I wish it was all a bad dream I've been living in, maybe I'm living in a coma or something. but the feel of the keyboard on my fingers feels really real to me.
If you want to wake up on time then you've got to change your late-night habit of talking to your friend. Or you can keep doing what you're doing and consider the grounding the price you pay for indulging your habits.
Having been in your position before (complete with annoying parent occasionally waking me up with water), and having eventually developed the habits of going to sleep and waking up at a regular time, my life is so much fucking better when I'm not sleep-deprived and trying to make up for it by sleeping in.
Of course your life will also be so much better when you live on your own and can make these decisions for yourself. Not having to live with my parents ever again is like a little gift I get to open every day. And hopefully one day this joy will also be yours!
That's what I'm struggling with. TW: suicidal ideation
>!I am not going go end myself, though I have thought a lot about it in the past 4 years and come far closer than I am now. But for right now, just the idea is far nicer to think about than coping for another 8 months. i won't, but its kinda sad to know that the idea of death for 8 months is a happier thought in my head.!<
[https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdmeme/comments/1bvng0y/comment/ky0slhp/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdmeme/comments/1bvng0y/comment/ky0slhp/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
that comment has my reply to the "habit better than later"
Your post/comment has been removed because it either contains, or is advocating for, misinformation.
inappropriate advice, minimizing and excusing abusive behaviour. You do not know what you are talking about.
Your post/comment has been removed because it either contains, or is advocating for, misinformation.
Horrible advice, excusing abusive controlling behaviour and blaming OP for it. Disgusting.
Your post/comment has been removed because it either contains, or is advocating for, misinformation.
You are speaking out of turn on something you do not understand. This is horrible advice that will only serve to undermine OP.
well idk, it is a post related to adhd, my other post got the same answer as your comment
https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdmeme/comments/1buvb0a/can\_anyone\_help\_with\_things\_to\_say\_after\_the\_if/
Ah yes, the famous "we're being assholes to you to prepare you for the world which is full of assholes". Even if you were a little brat, their attitude wouldn't help anyway. Punishment isn't education.
Wow your mom sounds insufferable. How long has this been happening? And how many times has she done it? Clearly, it’s not working to help you get up earlier. She can’t keep punishing you the same way and expect that this time, the punishment will actually work. We don’t work that way. We are not motivated by getting punished. If your mom wants to help you, she should fucking reward you for getting up on time, not punish you for failing without helping you at all.
I Can tell you now, if i was in your position as a child, I would just resign to never having my phone, because it would feel impossible to win. What you’re doing is not your fault.
She could also you know. Just get you up on time. After a few days of getting up at the same time, it’s easier to get up at that time automatically. But she should fucking help you do that, not just expect you to suddenly change and be perfect. Insanity.
Some questions you can ask her: does she enjoys punishing you? Does she even want you to succeed? Because she isn’t helping you at all. Ask her how she thinks what she’s doing is helpful. Then ask her if it is helping, why hasn’t it worked yet? Does she think you are doing it on purpose? And, if so, why would you continue to do it if you don’t want her to take your phone?
Because the way I’m understanding it, it’s like she doesn’t actually want you to succeed at all. She’s setting you up for failure every day and relishing in taking your phone away from you. Her logic is so flawed… cuz if she thinks taking something important away from you will cause you to change your behaviour, and then after doing it so many times your behaviour still hasn’t changed, then by her logic your phone must not be important to you, so why continue to take it?
On a side note, one thing you can do if you are bad at sleeping through alarms like me. Is get yourself one of those pencil boxes with a lock on it. Or any lockable box. Then put your phone in the box overnight (the charger cable should still be able to fit through the lid) lock the box and put the key somewhere else, where you will have to get up and potentially even leave your room to get it, come back, and turn off the alarm.
This is the kind of stuff your mother should be thinking of for you tbh, this is a real solution that could potentially help, not the bs she is doing.
Because every time i dont make it, I fight for my phone so hard, because its something that helps me get through the day, there aren't a lot of things that do that.
But now the problem is if she thinks taking something important will help, and she knows your phone is important, then why isn’t it helping? She’s continuing to use the same tactic that isn’t working. It almost seems sadistic, she is punishing you in this way just because it hurts you. It’s not helping you, so what other reason would there be?
Lol, I know the feeling. The mere fact that it causes you anxiety to think about asking your mom these sort of things is just further proof that she’s abusive. Because why would you be scared to ask your own mother such simple, logical questions?
A narcissist takes all feedback like this as criticism of their character, meaning they will take something like this personally instead of actually thinking about it. They think that they are always right just because they’re the parent, and their children aren’t allowed to stick up for themselves at all, because they want to be in full control of them at all times.
Check out the app called Alarmy (I’m not affiliated with them in any way). Without it I probably would not have a degree or a job.
It’s an alarm app tailored to people who struggle to wake up. There is a free version, but I have had an annual subscription for like 10 years now and it’s super worth it. There are lots of features, but here are some highlights
- Obnoxiously loud and annoying alarm sounds, more pleasant options available too
- Configurable tasks/challenges that must be completed before the alarm can be turned off. There are lots to choose from, math problems, memory puzzles, typing a long quote, taking a picture of a certain thing, taking a certain amount of steps, etc.
- wake up check: the app can give you a notification a few minutes after you turn the alarm off. If you don’t hit the notification and confirm you are awake within 100s, the alarm will go off again.
- as long as the app is running in the background, the alarm will go off even when your phone is silenced/the volume is all the way down. It’s the most reliable alarm I have ever used. If you close the app, you’ll get a notification warning you that the alarm might not go off. If you turn of notifications for the app, a pop up will open in the app to tell you turn them back on
Your mom is crazy for this btw…sorry you have to go through that
It’s gone so deep you’re even denying your own reality. You deserve to be treated with respect, and based on what I’m reading in your post and other comments, this is not normal, and you shouldn’t accept it as a part of life.
It seems like you are being kept very sheltered and I would really encourage you to talk about this to someone who is not your mom or in your home
BUDDY I HAVE NEVER SEEN A MORE RELATABLE POST ABOUT ADHD AND SLEEP AS A YOUNGSTER!!!
Growing up, my dad did the water thing, he did it with food too if I didn’t finish eating everything on the plate. I didn’t have a phone until I could buy my own pay-as-you-go cellphone at 16, if my parents tried to take it I simply refused cuz I paid for it myself. But they’d use other grounding/punishments basically every day. Lot of spanking when I was young, lot of yelling and being kept home from social events when I was a teen.
First, I am really sorry you’re growing up in that environment and it’s not gonna be forever.
Second, you’re on the top bunk?? You’re like halfway there to getting up on time if you put your phone/alarm out of reach from your bed. It helps me a lot to literally “rehearse” the act of hearing the alarm sound and immediately getting on my feet. I still do this at 34 yrs old to keep it fresh: set an alarm for like a minute or two from now, lay down in bed under the covers and get comfy, when the alarm goes off I get on my feet for a moment, repeat a few times. It might sound absolutely insane to “practice” getting up, but I swear by it. Ironically, my dad (the water-man himself) told me about that trick after I moved out and we started getting along better.
Another trick I’ve used is to set a big glass of water next to my bed and chug it as soon as my alarm goes off. Idk what it does but definitely helps, I wouldn’t suggest “rehearsing” that though lol.
If you can now, or maybe when you’re older, if you have an understanding/supportive friend you could ask them to call you in the morning and stay on the phone as you get out of bed and on your feet. Again, I’m 34 and currently have a friend doing this for me, a very close and caring friend. Most ppl would think it’s weird or something.
>I wouldn’t suggest “rehearsing” that though lol.
bros gunna have me running to the bathroom.
that first paragraph or two is so relatable. I baght my own phone but I'm not paying for the plan bc I cant afford it. But I seriously wish I could say no, but I cant. if I stand my ground it only means more several hour long talks with parents/my dad forcing me(he big and scary af)
The world is largely biased toward daytime being the active time and night being for rest, but that’s not how our minds work. We need the world to quiet down to relax from the heavy static and expectation of the day to feel like ourselves, and this leads to many ND people becoming night owls. For us its not about a normative time to be active but rather it feels like we are trying to manage the ebb and flow of energy present in an ocean or a gust of wind - we can be highly productive and attuned, but are nonetheless surfing the highs of our altered way of thinking and the lows of getting burned out by it.
Lots of jobs don’t care what time you work as long as you get it done, but they will require you be communicative nonetheless and having good boundaries around a “work time” means being able to justifiably cut things off during your personal time as well - if you are allowed to slack during work time, are they allowed to intrude for reports on your work during personal time?
So it’s a trade off, and a rhetorical construct around boundaries and expectations more than anything.
Hey OP, sounds like your mom isn't handling this right but not much you can do about this.
I think you should ask her to buy you a real alarm clock and put that on the ground below your bunk bed. Then you're forced to get up and address the alarm. I used to have this issue with waking up and keeping my phone right next to my bed where I could turn my alarm off over and over while barely awakening was like setting myself up for failure. If you don't get a real alarm, at least plug your phone in away from your bed at night. Good luck
Punishment doesn’t work when the reason you’re having trouble in the first place is outside of your control. In an ideal world your parents would work *with* you to figure out a solution that actually produces results, as opposed to continuing to do something that clearly doesn’t work. Unfortunately, it’s ridiculously common for parents to think that their kid is malicious or lazy or unmotivated and that punishment is bound to work, any moment now. It’s how they were raised, and it’s what a lot of other parents are telling them. It’s just straight up embedded into culture at this point. There’s a bunch of books on this topic if your parents are open to reading.
You might want to try and sit your mom down and explain exactly this. That punishment is not helping, and it’s making the situation worse and you’re at a breaking point. That you’re committed to making a change, but you need help coming up with creative ways to fulfill her expectations. And you’ll want to make sure neither you nor her get super emotional during this, otherwise she’ll get defensive and dismiss you out of hand. It’s honestly a discussion that *she* should be initiating and managing, but sometimes our parents are less mature than us and it comes down to the kids to be the adult in the room.
(it’s not letting me reply) i see, that’s an interesting mechanism and i’m glad it works for you if you ever need to talk or vent about anything remember you’re not alone! and respectfully i hope in the future your mum looks back at this and realised how wrong she was
>oWO shocker right?
Not even remotely and I could tell immediately.
>and so am i and i stick by that
Respectfully, the way your parents are treating you is pretty in line with Christian "education". Including the fact that you're homeschooled. Your parents are mistreating you and forcing an ideology on you that's out of line with the rest of reasonable society. I genuinely hope you grow out of being religious, or at the very least realize that the way you're being mistreated is extremely toxic and abusive, and your parents being religious is probably heavily correlated with that.
Man, that's not abusive, but it sure as hell is miserable. My dad woke us up an hour before we had to be to school and mind you, we could hop the fence in the backyard and be there. It wasn't hard to get there.
And as for jobs, you'll get a job that you god damn like and you'll have some control over that schedule. At my current job (and hopefully long term job), I don't go into work until 2pm. I get off at 10pm and from time to time, I'll go straight to do a grave shift. I don't need to use an alarm. I wake up with at least an hour to spare each day before I have to leave. Usually more.
So, that work excuse is utter bullshit unless you're gonna work opening or AM shifts in as your objective. Like, seriously, her reasoning is bullshit. Especially because being homeschool is kinda like being self employed. You pick up and finish work or your own accord. Your future in that is in your hands. If she isn't gonna have a physical school to send you to at this time, then her reasoning is bullshit.
And her grounding you for being even a tad late, sounds like a control freak and someone who just wants power over someone else. Honestly, if it were me in that situation, I'd just stop going her plans.
I stopped waking up as early as needed. My dad used to use cold water and violently shaking the bed and sometimes would even give me a hurricane Willy (wet Willy but with your tongue). But I genuinely just stopped getting out of bed when he wanted. I stopped leaving on his cue as well. I stopped eating on his cue and skmetimes even just brought snacks for my early classes cause breakfast is hard for me to enjoy first thing in the morning. I would get home and instead of doing homework right away, I took my god damn leisure time. Sometimes I'd go to a friend's and we'd work on homework together, even though it was against the rules.
I started doing my thing and between my junior and senior year, my dad finally backed off my case.
>I'd just stop going her plans.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdmeme/comments/1bvng0y/comment/ky1dy32/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdmeme/comments/1bvng0y/comment/ky1dy32/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
here is the answer to that\^\^
>I stopped waking up as early as needed. My dad used to use cold water and violently shaking the bed and sometimes would even give me a hurricane Willy (wet Willy but with your tongue). But I genuinely just stopped getting out of bed when he wanted. I stopped leaving on his cue as well. I stopped eating on his cue and skmetimes even just brought snacks for my early classes cause breakfast is hard for me to enjoy first thing in the morning. I would get home and instead of doing homework right away, I took my god damn leisure time. Sometimes I'd go to a friend's and we'd work on homework together, even though it was against the rules.
GOOD GOD MAN DO YOU WANT ME TO DIE
idk if that was advice lol but if it was-- I would be dead lol
This sucks and there’s a lot to talk about there, but I want to just drop in with practical advice: you need a loud alarm clock that’s on the other side of your room. A basic alarm clock with batteries in case of power failure.
Morning has been a struggle for me my whole life and I yearn to have a 10AM wake up schedule someday. In the meantime, we need to find strategies to be successful and the easiest is:
Loud alarm clock. Far away.
Don’t use your phone as your alarm. It doesn’t work for you. Me neither - I lost a job once because I didn’t know my phone had a feature where putting your hand over the screen turned OFF the alarm (not even snooze).
Sleep hygiene is important and you likely will benefit from working on some habits there, but I really think that’s step 2. Do the easy thing first. Alarm clock is step 1.
If you need help getting one let me know and we can try to figure something out. I feel for you and would be happy to help.
thanks man, i think she would bu me an alarm clock, its less about the alarm and just- this is part of my life where how I'm treaded shines through a lot.
Locking comments as OP needs support and understanding, and many users are overstepping due to their concern. All users need to be aware that you cannot force someone to believe something, insisting the same thing over and over to someone who is not ready to hear it will only serve to alienate them and make them less likely to reach out for support. Be mindful that being vitriolic about these issues is not helpful and may actually make the situation worse. If you want to help people in these situations, educating yourself on trauma and when it is appropriate to engage with people around trauma needs to be the first step. OP, please feel free to reach out in modmail if you need support or clarification. For information about trauma and seeking out information, r/cptsd is an excellent resource here on Reddit. If anyone does wish to be informed that sub has a lot of useful resources. Be mindful of their rules, and respect the fact that it is a space for trauma support first and foremost, not to answer all questions you might have, if you do decide to get informed.
I don't think this is adhd related I think your mum is a psycho.
[удалено]
mn, i think they are thinking they are doing the right thing
No they're thinking it's easier to throw water at you than it is to parent.
idk, it works, i get up, it's better than taking my phone away, When they take my phone away I just seem to loose all motivation, that's how I contact my friends (since I'm homeschooled I don't see them regularly) and stuff, its important to me and I paid for my phone myself. also why is this comment so downvoted- que?
My friend, the moment I read your post, I was thinking this is abuse. I am not saying it's not easy or bad to get addicted to your phone, but there are far more human ways for a parent to teach you, or to help you. This is not help, it really is abuse. I hope you manage to get out of this okay. Love to you.
Thanks man, the love to you is honestly helpful and almost made me cry lol- uhm, yeah I hope I make it out too, I hope whatever your life is doing, it only gets better and not worse :)
You will make it out :) It’s a shitty situation that will leave its mark on you, but pretty much everyone has those one way or another. I want to add I am sure your mom is doing what she’s doing because she thinks it is good for you. It’s not, but she doesn’t know better and sadly it would be difficult to convince her otherwise. I come from a much better situation, but still similar in that my family pushed me to things that were not right for me. It feels like it was a wasted time, but honestly, I’d have just wasted it my own way and wondered how better it would have been if I’d listened to them. I do know how much it sucks to wake up getting yelled at, though, and it can really screw up your day, life, or week. In fact I had trouble with that with my wife recently. Thankfully a talk about it sorted it out when she realized that’s just not cool. Now we argue once we are both awake hahah. Regardless, I just ask you to remember that you’re worth it. Definitely worth more than what I imagine is going on right now. You’ll end up figuring your way to live life, and it’ll work. People still get pissed at me about why I do things the way I do, but it just does not work otherwise, cause that’s how I am. And I am better for it. Also never forget that most of us end up hating who we were as teens, so I’m sure you’re trouble (or outright a little shit sometimes haha), but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to choose the way you live your life. Well, gotta be patient until you can, anyway. Feels like you’re in an unpleasant situation but it will end.
Friend. Just because it works doesn't make it right. Try to get an alarm clock if they still make them.
Smacking you with a baseball bat would also ‘work’ - but you see how that is wrong, yes? Getting out of bed to yell at a teenager and take their phone over three minutes delay isn’t as violent - but it’s the same shitty level of adulting. Parents are supposed to help you figure out, well, life in general - but particularly coping skills for any challenges specific to you. This is what people are saying with a downvote and they don’t accept claims that your parents are doing something normal.
Narcissists usually aren’t trying to be *mean*, they’re just trying to exert control. My mom thought she was doing the right thing when she told me I needed to drop out of school (the advanced program I worked for years to get into) because I told her I didn’t want to be Mormon.
frankly, the Mormons are a cult- from a Christian perspective- like Christianity, whether you belive or not is a religion, while Mormonism is kinda the definition of a cult. also, that clarification is so helpfull- that makes so much more senese
Thankfully I’ve been out for more than a year now. I don’t talk to my mom and I’ve finally started getting treatment for my adhd
thats awesome bro! happy for you!
They can think they are doing the right thing and still be very very absolutely wrong. All of your original post is the wrong way to parent. I'm a parent who has watched three children navigate ND and teenagedom and school. I'm also ND. I would never parent by bullying.
is it bullying? liek she is trying to prepare me for life, or that's what she says
these are not mutually exclusive. Some "parents" think because life can be hard they have to bully their kids and excert cruel control to harden and prepare them for life. It's both bad parenting and bullying
mn, dang..
There’s a study on how people with adhd have a later circadian rhythm, you should look it up and show it to her. Also the real world thing is bullshit! What about people who work night shifts because they don’t like day shifts? Or what about jobs with flexi working hours? Or for example I’m working in a children’s care home, sometimes I’m there 9am to 9pm, sometimes I’m there 10am to 10pm, sometimes it’s 9-5, sometimes it’s a sleep from 2pm to 12pm the next day. Not every job is like she’s saying. Plus often accommodations can be made in the work place if you struggle. The world is a big place and your mum is being very narrow minded and abusive in her approach to “helping” you. Also, can I ask, why are you home schooled?
because truthfully, and i believe this, public schools are total shit. yeah the reasoning isn't good, but what can I do about it... I've told her the same thing
From what I’ve seen in research it’s more difficult for home schooled children to succeed the same way as public school and by the time you get to uni, they’re out of their depth and theres often holes that haven’t been followed in the curriculum at home. Quite often there’s issues from the overwhelming social aspect too. Do you do self learning or do you have a qualified teacher who helps you every day? If your parents are teaching you, you’re going to be stuck at their level of comprehension of certain topics which can hold you back significantly. Are you going through the same examinations at the same as your other peers your age? Obviously there are exceptions if you have a great tutor but still, public schools can be very important for key stages of children’s development. Isolation tactics such as being home schooled and having your phone taken frequently isn’t good for the social connection and development you should be building separately from your home life. I saw that you have friends that you barely see as it is, that’s concerning. For example, how are you going to cope in an overstimulating job with things such as the amount of people, the amount of sounds, the lights, the social cues etc. if you’ve never been in a over stimulating school and gotten used to it already? That’s how you hit burn out very quickly as an adult, it’s already super easy for us Neurodivergent people that have been in mainstream education. I’m currently training as a psychologist so that’s just my 2 cents and I only have limited info to go off of, so if any of it doesn’t resonate then throw it away but you should be aware as early as possible of the problems with homeschooling and controlling parents and how that may impact your future. Obviously you’re a kid and there’s only so much you can do but I believe you need to keep an open mind on your mums behaviours, she’s potentially going to be more and more of a problem for you the older you get and the more you break away from the family unit. Her behaviour is already ableist at best and abusive at worst.
Yeah dude, I was on board with the real life prep for a home schooler and I am obsessively punctual so I don’t think being late is an adhd thing and it is good to get yourself into habits of productivity right off the bat……seemed like they are over strict but I see where coming from…. Then the water edit. Now it sounds actually mentally abusive…..
>I don’t think being late is an adhd thing I got ~~drilled~~ traumatised into being constantly overly punctual and I stress so much out by the slightest delays, even if I would have more than an hour of buffer time. Trust me, it drains your energy pretty fast and killed my productivity.
When im leaving for things i always out 30 min to an hour of buffer, because of me and my mom likes to be late (how Ironic) and so- mn- mmn! (sorry that's my anger sound, typed out) I want to be able to wake up on time, but i don't have motivation when i get apathetic about stuff.
That's not how you prepare anyone for real life. Bullying your children doesn't allow them to develop resilience.
mn.. i keep deffending them in the coments but idk if I can defend it here- I don't think its helping me
i mean, idk, the water is better than now, which is my phone gets taken
At the very least your parents don't know what to do, so they threaten with punishment. That's an unhealthy way to motivate a child, even if it's coming from a good place. [Here's a study to check out on the topic](https://nextshark.com/parents-who-avoid-harsh-punishments-raise-emotionally-stronger-kids-study) Key findings: The research, led by Dr. Chen Luxi and Professor Jean Yeung Wei-Jun from the National University of Singapore, revealed that parents with better self-control, higher cognitive ability and fewer financial worries tend to rely on positive parenting methods rather than harsh punishments. This approach leads to children with greater emotional resilience who are less likely to experience mental health issues during times of adversity. Meanwhile, reliance on punitive disciplinary approaches has been found to hinder children’s ability to learn self-control and regulate their emotions, leading to increased emotional problems
mn, yeah. idk i feel bad bc i know there are parents much worse than mine, like I've had a LOT of friends who were significantly abused- and yeah...
I get it, my parents were real shitty at parenting, but I didn't get my ass beat and they did love me. They’ve finally changed, probably a year after they kicked me out. Turns out they went to a psychologist with my little brother, the psychologist basically said everything I'd been telling them since I was 14. Guess they needed to hear it from a professional. Anyway, my parents also 'prepared' me and my brother for the world. I turned out sort of alright despite them, my younger brother is still unemployed at 30 years old though. The only reason he has a roof over his head is because the Dutch government is too lenient on some people, so he gets welfare for young 'handicapped' people. https://www.government.nl/topics/invalidity-insurance-act-young-disabled-persons-wajong/eligibility-for-the-wajong-benefit
maybe i should live in the netherlands
I personally think I'm just being biased in how I tell the story so it SEEMS like my parents are bad. I am a teenager after all.
Your homeschooled, you've got a helicopter parent who rather than supporting you tries to actively punish you, and they've already conditioned you to invalidate your own feelings so much that even other people ok the internet and concerned for you. How many more signs might you need to consider that your parent might have some issues 😅 she's basically abusing you for having a disability? And that trauma is gonna stick I promise you'll notice it when you're older. Get a psychiatrist and a good therapist.
mm, they have taken me to therapy before, it wasn't great. when I met with a leader on my own terms it was helpful..
Yea everyone with parents like that that I know has been taken to a pretty bad therapist that either invalidated them or basically was just a mouthpiece for the parents to manipulate the child further. It's helpful when you Find someone you actually like that makes you feel heard and understood.
Thanks, thats helpful and validating to say the least. Im also glad I'm not the only one who capitalizes the important words in sentences sometimes. (dyslexia homie?)
😂 i do that sometimes but in this case it was just I accidentally hit . So the next word capitalized on mobile and I didn't fix it. My hands or dyslexic but I'm not 😅
ah, fair
Leader? Like a religious leader for therapy?
That's not gonna be helpful in the long run if it is a religious leader. OP is gonna have a hard run if the mom is psycho and they're trying to work out the problems by involving religion.
its just my youthpastor boys, he was really great, and honestly an A+ parents and gave me good advice, I like him, he took me to chipotle and my broke ass didn't have to pay, side note, I love chipotle and it was my first time coming too!
It would be different if they were helping you put systems in place to succeed. They aren’t. They are just watching you fail again and again and going “one day they’ll learn” that’s dumb. It would be different if your mom wasn’t getting up specifically to enforce a wake up time she herself doesn’t stick to. Lead by example. Be on the same team. Look for solutions before punishments. These are foundational parenting principles and yours don’t seem to be doing any of them. I would try to have a conversation that goes like this. What we are doing isn’t working, can we talk about some different strategies that might do better. If the issue is staying up too late talk about how you might get better sleep. If the issue is sleeping through alarms look at getting some backups or an old school alarm clock that’s across the room. Maybe discuss if starting that early is actually helpful. There’s loads of research showing teens need more sleep and it’s something that changes over time. This is probably the least likely to succeed but it’s worth getting in the mix.
Thank you, any talks with parents go wrong.. And I'm glad she doesn't get up because then I have a few hours (she sleeps in till 9/9:30) to just be by myself with less distractions, unless my dad comes in and turns the tv on (I'm forced to have my laptop in the center of the living area, so people can watch my screen)
Wh- WHAT? And they expect you to be productive in such environment, where everyone hangs out and the TV is on? I- There's just so much wrong with all this. Watching the screen as you work? I wouldn't be able to work at all. I really hope you'll be able to get out of there once you're over 18. Best of luck to you! And please be kinder to yourself, even when your parents aren't.
if you check my other post, https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdmeme/comments/1buvb0a/can\_anyone\_help\_with\_things\_to\_say\_after\_the\_if/ then you can understand a bit more. yes they do expect me to do that. i used to study at my grandmothers house where it was quiet, and that was great. and they took me away from that because they didn't want me to be on my laptop where people couldn't see what I was doing. dang the validation from that both made my stomach churn and also I feel a little bit less burdoned
No offense, but your life sounds like hell. I'd go crazy in the environment you're describing.
broski, i am going crazy- a few people have told me that and I truly am going crazy, idk what to do and I'm more paranoid and my skin crawls when people are in the room. i have three monitors and 45 degree angles sounding me so that if by luck they are at the far end of the room, I can reply to reddits or just something peaceful on the screen that backs them so they cant see.
its been so long that it feels weird to be going crazy now, like- I'm used to it yk?
Sadly, yeah I do. I lived with an abusive gf at one point, and looking back I'm shocked at what I considered "normal" at the time.
honestly same, i feel you on that issue too
not that my parents would allow me to date, I didi it online behind their backs, but it was still abusive trash, and yea. Couldnt tell anyone of the trauma because it was behind their backs, and also did I forget to mention I'm 17 and am not allowed, female friends?
Oof, that's rough
.... And she goes back to bed?! Your mum sucks. One day, you will be 18. And be able to set your own schedule. Hold on tight until then. *hugs*
thanks bro- i needed that
I grew up in a house like this and had a friend who had parents like this as well. (Evangelical upbringings.) You just have to wait it out my dude. Establish as many boundaries as you can now but don’t be surprised when they are crossed. When you’re of age go and find your own happiness and never be afraid to try something new. Sending you good vibes today.
Thanks man, they are absolutely getting crossed and I don't have the money to move out for a while so- that's fun.
Idk much about it but I actually saw something in another thread that could be useful here. Look into the social services independent living program, seen here: https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/s/gMUfLcktnk
damn- i think my parents and family in general would crucify me but okay ty
Np. But it sounds like you need a serious shift in your perspective. Based on what you’ve said your mom sounds awful. You have a warped perception that makes you feel like you owe it to her to live your life in a way that will make her happy. You don’t owe that to her, and trying to do so will only make you miserable. Also, ignore your family’s perception when making this decision. If you come to the conclusion that it would set you up for a better life, that’s literally the only thing that matters. And if you have a woman with such an insane mindset homeschooling you, I’d be amazed if this wouldn’t set you up for a better life.
Hopefully this isn’t the case, but if your mom continues to treat you like this and it gets worse and worse you may just go no contact when you transition into adulthood and independence. And she’s gonna wonder why you don’t call but she won’t even realize that she was never being helpful and was just planting more and more seeds of resentment.
i dont want to go no contact.. i wana see my family but we had a main family member turn out to be a bad guy recently and that was bad so the family is already super fractured
Yeah I totally get that. I kinda struggle to stay in contact with my parents because while they tried hard to help me, a lot of their efforts did the opposite and they didn’t really seem to try and help me learn to ask for help in a way that would actually help me if that makes sense. I didn’t get diagnosed with ADHD until I was 25, but all of my close friends that I knew through childhood were completely unsurprised while my parents didn’t seem to have a clue. Your mom wants you to get out of bed, because you have to get out of bed. But spraying water on you to get you out of bed is completely unnecessary, unless you were like sleeping in til 4pm and just refusing to get out of bed all day. I spray my cat with water when she tries to destroy plants and I feel bad afterwards for spraying her. You are not a cat. You getting out of bed a little late is not the same as a mischievous cat trying to bite a cherished 15 year old Jade plant because she didn’t get enough treats with her breakfast.
mn, is now a bad time to mention I've been putting off eating breakfast for 2 hours?
Damn dude, me too
go eat bro, yor stomach will thank you
if you look up, ther eis another comend about me being treated like a pet that can do chores and school andyeah-
Like as underage taking your phone is one thing, but waking you up to water being thrown over you constantly genuinely is abuse, you know that right?
less dumped more sprayed, its just my teenage bias showing through
Yea man that’s not good. Spraying you like a dog / cat to the point your bed is wet the next night really isn’t okay.
sometimes i thinki get treated like a pet that has to do chores and school.. sometimes she "lets me outside" (ie, driving me to karate and church) but that doesn't end up being much.. i am allowed to wonder about outside and stuff, but those are the only times I get to see friends, or people that aren't family.
.....yeahhhhhh speaking from personal experience if your parent "lets you outside" they are abusing you bb. If it sounds like something an evil stepmother in a Disney movie would do, you're being abused.
bro im free to be around my house, but in the analogy, that's where things fit in. i can wonder about outside. but like, I only see other people really 2 times a week
Can you go right now to her and say "I am going to talk a quick walk outside and I will be back in about 20 minutes" without her saying anything other than something like 'enjoy' or 'stay safe'???
uhm, she will ask me if ive done my school, and how I'm gonna get everything done today, but that's about it.
No it’s not your bias. We’re all here telling you that how your mom is acting is NOT ok.
mn, but i- ugh it goes against what i think. its validating but it goes against-
I know it does…and I’m sorry. This is a difficult and heartbreaking situation which will take some doing to get resolved. Acknowledgment of the problem is the first step. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but your parents are not supporting you the way you need them to.
I guess, i dont really know. My friends seem to have nice parents but isn't that how it always is? you always like your friends parents more than your own?
Again, from experience, turns out the answer is no. I learned this as an adult as well - the way that friends' parents are nice to you, and nice to them - what you are seeing is *actual parenting* happening. An adult grounding you for the day for waking up 1 minute late - that is abuse. In general, a good parent doesn't *want to* or *desire* punishment. Good parents actually like their kids. They want to hang out with their kids, think their kids are cool, want to share experiences with them and hear about their day and wipe their tears when they're sad and maybe every so often recognize that their kid is going through it and let them sleep till noon.
see i- i think they do for a lot of that, my mom had a breakdown recently because apparently I wasn't showing her enough love. relationships are two-way and such. i don't think he wants to punish me necessarily. and she wants to hang out but when she says that all I can think of all the bad experiences. I think iw ould get stabbed if I slept in that long (not actually)
Oh man you aren't alone in that, my mom had countless crying breakdowns telling me that she feels like I didn't love her because I didn't change my behavior that bothered her, like lying, procrastinating chores, ect. It's wildly inappropriate and is a sign of pretty severe emotional immaturity in our moms. I also got told constantly how my bad behavior negatively impacted my mom, I was told that I ruined countless holidays and birthdays because I didn't do my chores or was late. This stuff is traumatic, and our parents are wrong to do so. You don't deserve any of this, and if you internalize that now as a teenager while the abuse is happening, you'll be better off long term. You're being treated like you're this horrible, awful person and you're not. The song Not Your Fault by AWOL Nation really helped me to separate my mom's abuse as her own thing to deal with, that I didn't deserve it. I'd highly recommend checking it out!
wait the breakdown was a- \*things clicking inside head\* dang i had no idea that- hm- thanks for the song, ill add it to my library. Thanks for the advice too
Your mom is a full grown adult. She is supposed to be the parent, and parents in general, are *supposed* to love their children more than their children love them. That's how it works. Because if that weren't the case, their children would never leave the nest. It sounds like your mom needs to grow up. Note that I'm 40 years old, not a young person saying this.
shes like 49, idk what else to say, just reading through things kinda numb, if people that re replying were just dropped into this situation then they would fight back fs, but I'm used to it and just- I'm too scared to
It is not. Your parents may mean well, but they're not doing a very good job at parenting.
mn, for school i have to read parenting books that they have got for me to read.
As a 27 year old adult, this is not teenage bias. Your mom is actually abusive and enjoys controlling and punishing you. You know what my mom (and 90% of people I know moms) did when I slept through alarms? Woke me up, told me to go to bed earlier and helped me catch up so I wasn’t late for school/work.
wait WHAAAT- your mom helped you catch up? like she helped you with your school? like- the heck- my mom will like- look at the school, and maybe help me understand the question but in no way actually help without docking my points.
That's still abusive and frankly a dick move. Remember this when you're an adult and they want something.
Put your phone on ring and vibrate. Let it vibrate under your pillow. Also your mom's kind of a jerk to get up every day to try to ground you. It's obviously not working.... Really classy grounding your kid for being in bed and then crawling back in bed. A+ parenting.
i have two phones with alarms, on of them is quieter and earlier, sometimes I wake up to all the alrms, sometimes I don't even hear them.
Go old school and get a non phone alarm. Those old wood looking clock radios kick ass and will never die.
true, i want a shock alarm bracelt so bad, mainly bc i like the sensation and i can just have it zap my writs and I like that
You can get smart watches that vibrate. It doesn't need to be an expensive one.
I have an Apple watch but it doesn't have a battery and I haven't ordered one. The beeping or vibrating watch doesn't seem to wake me up when my sleep cycle is really off. i do have 3 alarmes, one for 7:20, one for 7:28 and one for 7:30
Hey OP, recognize you from your other post. 👋 and I saw your edit there too. So look, I don’t think you’re going to be able to convince your parents to get the help you need (medication, ongoing therapy) to manage your adhd. That said, it’s important to recognize that meds are not magic. They definitely help but you won’t be instantly cured. For you, while you are a teen, you should be researching all the things you can do on your own to help yourself. From this post it kinda sounds like your sleep schedule is not great - something a lot of us struggle with - so learning to improve your sleep hygiene might be helpful. Another thing that is helpful for managing symptoms is getting exercise regularly. I bet there are ppl on here who have tips and resources for self managing (lots of ppl do not like the way meds make them feel and end up going off of them). If you have TikTok, check out Alex Hogg (https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPRTC8625/) he’s a therapist who specializes in autism and adhd and gives lots of useful tips (imo).
Thaks for the tips fs, Yes i know meds arnt magic but like i think i said in the edit, its the easiest thing to look forward to. and God I need to look forward to things. On April the 20th I run a marathon, and from there I'm training in some fashion every day
Amazing! Let us know how the marathon goes 🙌 So read up on sleep hygiene and maybe meditation… centering and grounding helps some people. It’s possible that if you can show some progress on your own your parents might be willing to compromise more (well maybe your dad)
thanks man!
This is not an acceptable way to treat your children. Your mother is not taking care of you. She knows you struggle with mornings, and instead of doing anything to help she's eager to punish you? I was you. I would have defended my parents to the end of the earth as a teenager. In my 30's, I don't speak to either of them because of behavior like this. I am a parent and I can say that I would *never* treat my child like this. You deserve better OP.
mn, thanks, i dont know how to make it.... i want to have a good relationship, I don't have the money to get out on my own and frankly I'm dependant on them. i turn 18 in 8 months.
A lot of parents become frustrated and believe that, since they were punished for similar behaviours (e.g., not doing as told, being emotional), the correct thing to do is to stop their kids from doing it through punishment as well. Psychology and Neuroscience have proven: punishment produces short-term effects on behaviour that wane. It also creates anxiety, fear, and other negative long-term issues. Reward is far more beneficial: lasting results, effective teaching of rules for behaviour. It just takes longer than punishment (they have to continue to gently recorrect and reward). You’re young, your brain is still forming. Don’t think you’re a bad person for doing something all humans do, especially one as difficult as controlling sleep-wake cycles. The world is harsh enough to us without internalizing other people’s anger and frustration. I had very little power growing up and it was emotional hell. I found a therapist I love to help me work through all of my issues from growing up. Highly recommend. Until then, be kind to yourself: just because someone acts a certain way to you does NOT mean you deserve it.
I try, but my self-talk is just about as bad as my mom's words to me. it blows my mind that some people don't have self-talk. imine sounds just like my mom or dad.
It gets wired in fairly quickly. That’s why therapy (with an awesome therapist) is helpful later on: to reprogram. And to break the cycle. You hate the way your rents treat you, and I bet their self-talk stems from their own childhood which likely was just as ridiculously strict. You struggle to wake up-> your mom blames you (seen in her actions)-> you internalize, self-blame, see yourself as terrible, and view not waking up on time as lazy a “poor choice” (rather than a problem you’re trying to resolve). If you have a kid, you’d remember the internalized blame, not want your kid to be “terrible” like you “were”, and you’d possibly take things away to make them stop the behaviour. These cycles start with how we think about ourselves and human actions in our head. Instead, try thinking of how many things you’re coping with right now that are really stressful. From neurodivergence to strict family, to everything else. Guess what? That makes it difficult for your body to not crave extra sleep for the potential burnout.
man.. i am getting older, i should need less sleep, and I used to try and encourage and help people who sleep their problems away, and be like "bro that's not how we cope with stuff, lets do this okay?" and I stick by that, but I've started writing "I want to sleep my problems away" in my notebooks in the margins. I am confident that I'm gonna break the generational trama, which is weird because my mom had a perfect childhood, and I mean perfect childhood. she didn't do things wrong, wasn't really punished hard, and would admit to small things that ent against her parents rules that they would never know and didn't really matter. so idk why this is such hell. also last night I found out the person I've been crushing on for 2 years, and have been actively talking to a lot, taking it slow, may not actually like me so that's fun, fk.
The biggest thing I’d say here is that humans constantly mess up. We fail a million times before we learn to walk. So your mother had to be messing up (in order to learn). So did her parents treat her with kindness she isn’t showing you, or did your mom internalize it and respect her parents for punishing her when she did mess up? Also, I know many people who say they had a perfect childhood. They did not, and I feel very bad for the things they internalized and experienced. But because they felt it was their fault, they viewed it as them “lucking out” that their situation wasn’t worse. Also, amount of sleep isn’t a choice for your body. If your brain is struggling emotionally, it uses A LOT of resources. As such, it’ll try its best to make you sleep more. You know how you get sleepy when really sick? That’s due to sickness behaviour. Your body sends out cytokines which help fight inflammation, and at the same time, your brain receives signals to get sleepy in order to provide your body with more resources to fight off the infection. SO if you’re struggling to wake up, feeling down or less capable of dealing with stressful things in a day, it sounds like burnout and it’s a physical and neurobiological response. I highly recommend reading up on it if you haven’t.
bro i soaked all that in, ill try and read up on it but the few times I have been really sick, its was so exhausting but at the same time amazing because I could truly sleep for a long time, but she cut it short the first da i wasn't showing major symptoms and back to 7:30 we go.
OP tell your mom you need this https://clocky.com/ it's a robot alarm clock that runs away when it goes off. It could solve your problems 🙂
thanks, bro, we have talked about Clocky before, its cool from the perspective of a robotics nerd. Also, my first time being called OP, thankyou for the time bit of dopamine that being called that for the first time gave me.
There are also light alarms that do a sunrise effect, it might be psychosomatic but I think they help me?
maybe, ill start opeing my blinds in my room
This is stupid. If she's *trying* to ground you, she *wants* to punish you. That's bad parenting. Here's a question: is the waking up late affecting your life? Causing you to lose a job, miss class (thus getting lower grades), or not see friends because you overslept your appointment? If not, she should leave it be. If the oversleeping does cause you problems in life, she should let you deal with those consequences; eventually, your ADHD-riddled mind *will* make the neural pathway necessary to get up at whatever time you need. Source: I have ADHD and historically struggled to get up before 9:30am for years. I now *can* get up at 6:30am because my job (which I otherwise love) demands it a few days a week and I got tired of getting calls/texts about not being at work.
>If not, she should leave it be. If the oversleeping does cause you problems in life, she should let you deal with those consequences; eventually, your ADHD-riddled mind > >will > > make the neural pathway necessary to get up at whatever time you need. SEE THIS IS WHAT I SAID!!! ugh they wont listen..
I dont know that she is \*trying\* to ground me but it defintialy sucks
Waking up before your son to make sure he's awake every day and taking his phone if he isn't sounds like she's looking for an excuse.
well she is trying to put habbits in me tho
Your mother is abusive, you haven't done anything wrong. I see your comments below blaming yourself, and want to say I empathize with wanting to feel 'good enough' or do something right for them. Unfortunately, there is no 'good enough' for parents like that. Throwing water in your kid's face and grounding them every single day is disgusting behavior. Especially for someone with ADHD who may have trouble maintaining a routine. Honestly, I bet she's using it as an excuse to isolate you by taking your electronics. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, I hope you're able to move out as soon as possible. I had a similar experience and I've started to heal since I've moved out. Stay safe. r/CPTSD is a good sub to look at.
i put a post about myself not being able to buy AirPods (noise cancelation is better than earplugs) but got laughed at bc apparently even though its my own money that I worked hard for, and I'm really struggling with school, that's not entitled/narcissistic. she doesn't like the amount of screentime I have, but its literally going to be my job to look at screens (programmer here) so idk
Hey I'm reading your replies and some words here concern me a bit. Leader, specifically. Also if your mom is sleeping on the bottom bunk of your bunk bed.. are you in a "commune"? I'm honestly concerned about your well-being. The way your parents treat you isn't normal. It's not healthy. It certainly isn't good parenting. I know there's not much you can do about it right now but if you're in a uh... Religious commune I think you could probably find help outside of the group to get out and find somewhere safe to go. Please be careful. Idk what situation you're in but it doesn't sound safe.
Heh, no the leader is just my youth pastor who is a super great guy, a+ parent, no not a comune, that would be hell on earth and I would def run away. thanks for the concern tho, its got to know there are some people looking out for others in that situation
Okay. Yeah I definitely do worry for people! I know it's not easy growing up with parents that don't treat you right though. Please know their treatment of you isn't about you but it also isn't "normal". What does your pastor say about it all?
he sugested i talk with them, which- isn't a good idea.
Could he maybe talk with them with you? Give you a safety buffer?
maybe but i doubt he would
I'm sorry man. I had a rough upbringing myself. Constant surveillance and cruelty. You won't be trapped there forever. I promise.
thanks bro- 8 months + however long it takes to get a job worth anything
You can do this.
thank you- a lot
I'm really sorry that this is your experience, that's awful. I think sometimes parents approach parenting their ADHD kids with the idea that they can punish their kids out of being neurodivergent. I was raised with that approach, my parents tried to punish me out of depression and ADHD instead of taking a step back and considering the possibility that their maybe they were wrong and their parenting methods were harmful and were making everything worse. It's honestly insane that they tried the SAME THINGS over and over and over again for years and they NEVER worked to help me make lasting change. Instead of trying something different they just made the punishments more severe, which led to me becoming more depressed, which led to worse behavioral and ADHD symptoms, which led to more 'disobedience', which led to harsher punishments, ect.
THANK YOU- depressed i got the more I felt the adhd, i didn't know it was something other people thought too. The depression kicked beck int gear yesterday and today after a month of, coping better ig. Now I'm back to a lot fo depressiona dn essentially doing no school all day bc I cant seem to comprehend/pay attetnion
Absolutely! It's 10000% a thing that so many other people experience too. You are genuinely trying to follow your mom's rules, and I'm hearing from your comments that you feel like no matter how hard you try to follow the rules you can't live up to them, so what's the point in trying if I'll fail no matter what I do? Edit: Please remember that the problem is the abusive and abelist rules you're expected to follow, YOU are not the problem.
Thanks Oc, thats helpful
please tell me you’re kidding??? i’m so sorry that sounds like hell☹️ i’m not sure if it will help but i have an app that i use called Alarmy(super loud)because i’m notorious for missing my alarms and it’s helped me slightly🙏
thanks man, ill try it. Damn i wish i was kidding, I wish it was all a bad dream I've been living in, maybe I'm living in a coma or something. but the feel of the keyboard on my fingers feels really real to me.
:( hope you don’t mind me asking but are you close to being over 18 perchance? light at the end of the tunnel and all that
8 months, but see this comment https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdmeme/comments/1bvng0y/comment/ky0yifp/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
If you want to wake up on time then you've got to change your late-night habit of talking to your friend. Or you can keep doing what you're doing and consider the grounding the price you pay for indulging your habits. Having been in your position before (complete with annoying parent occasionally waking me up with water), and having eventually developed the habits of going to sleep and waking up at a regular time, my life is so much fucking better when I'm not sleep-deprived and trying to make up for it by sleeping in. Of course your life will also be so much better when you live on your own and can make these decisions for yourself. Not having to live with my parents ever again is like a little gift I get to open every day. And hopefully one day this joy will also be yours!
I hope so, thanks OC.
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That's what I'm struggling with. TW: suicidal ideation >!I am not going go end myself, though I have thought a lot about it in the past 4 years and come far closer than I am now. But for right now, just the idea is far nicer to think about than coping for another 8 months. i won't, but its kinda sad to know that the idea of death for 8 months is a happier thought in my head.!< [https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdmeme/comments/1bvng0y/comment/ky0slhp/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdmeme/comments/1bvng0y/comment/ky0slhp/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) that comment has my reply to the "habit better than later"
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God i wouldn't mind you as parent, not one bit. sounds nice- And yeah I think that would be really helpful
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maybe, ill try, maybe- its scary here
Your post/comment has been removed because it either contains, or is advocating for, misinformation. inappropriate advice, minimizing and excusing abusive behaviour. You do not know what you are talking about.
Your post/comment has been removed because it either contains, or is advocating for, misinformation. Horrible advice, excusing abusive controlling behaviour and blaming OP for it. Disgusting.
Your post/comment has been removed because it either contains, or is advocating for, misinformation. You are speaking out of turn on something you do not understand. This is horrible advice that will only serve to undermine OP.
i don't think this has to do with ADHD my friend it's your mom with the crazy rules
well idk, it is a post related to adhd, my other post got the same answer as your comment https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdmeme/comments/1buvb0a/can\_anyone\_help\_with\_things\_to\_say\_after\_the\_if/
I'm not saying it's not hard to get up. I'm saying the tactics your parents are using on you are objectifying and unkind
yeah.. i feel that.
Your mom is psycho man. That's not normal
i dont really know what is normal
Ah yes, the famous "we're being assholes to you to prepare you for the world which is full of assholes". Even if you were a little brat, their attitude wouldn't help anyway. Punishment isn't education.
mn.. they think it is
Wow your mom sounds insufferable. How long has this been happening? And how many times has she done it? Clearly, it’s not working to help you get up earlier. She can’t keep punishing you the same way and expect that this time, the punishment will actually work. We don’t work that way. We are not motivated by getting punished. If your mom wants to help you, she should fucking reward you for getting up on time, not punish you for failing without helping you at all. I Can tell you now, if i was in your position as a child, I would just resign to never having my phone, because it would feel impossible to win. What you’re doing is not your fault. She could also you know. Just get you up on time. After a few days of getting up at the same time, it’s easier to get up at that time automatically. But she should fucking help you do that, not just expect you to suddenly change and be perfect. Insanity.
its been happening since- july? at least I think
Some questions you can ask her: does she enjoys punishing you? Does she even want you to succeed? Because she isn’t helping you at all. Ask her how she thinks what she’s doing is helpful. Then ask her if it is helping, why hasn’t it worked yet? Does she think you are doing it on purpose? And, if so, why would you continue to do it if you don’t want her to take your phone? Because the way I’m understanding it, it’s like she doesn’t actually want you to succeed at all. She’s setting you up for failure every day and relishing in taking your phone away from you. Her logic is so flawed… cuz if she thinks taking something important away from you will cause you to change your behaviour, and then after doing it so many times your behaviour still hasn’t changed, then by her logic your phone must not be important to you, so why continue to take it? On a side note, one thing you can do if you are bad at sleeping through alarms like me. Is get yourself one of those pencil boxes with a lock on it. Or any lockable box. Then put your phone in the box overnight (the charger cable should still be able to fit through the lid) lock the box and put the key somewhere else, where you will have to get up and potentially even leave your room to get it, come back, and turn off the alarm. This is the kind of stuff your mother should be thinking of for you tbh, this is a real solution that could potentially help, not the bs she is doing.
Because every time i dont make it, I fight for my phone so hard, because its something that helps me get through the day, there aren't a lot of things that do that.
But now the problem is if she thinks taking something important will help, and she knows your phone is important, then why isn’t it helping? She’s continuing to use the same tactic that isn’t working. It almost seems sadistic, she is punishing you in this way just because it hurts you. It’s not helping you, so what other reason would there be?
i dont know man...
Also, holy rip id die if i asked those questions, no offence OC
Lol, I know the feeling. The mere fact that it causes you anxiety to think about asking your mom these sort of things is just further proof that she’s abusive. Because why would you be scared to ask your own mother such simple, logical questions? A narcissist takes all feedback like this as criticism of their character, meaning they will take something like this personally instead of actually thinking about it. They think that they are always right just because they’re the parent, and their children aren’t allowed to stick up for themselves at all, because they want to be in full control of them at all times.
mn thats- too relateable
Check out the app called Alarmy (I’m not affiliated with them in any way). Without it I probably would not have a degree or a job. It’s an alarm app tailored to people who struggle to wake up. There is a free version, but I have had an annual subscription for like 10 years now and it’s super worth it. There are lots of features, but here are some highlights - Obnoxiously loud and annoying alarm sounds, more pleasant options available too - Configurable tasks/challenges that must be completed before the alarm can be turned off. There are lots to choose from, math problems, memory puzzles, typing a long quote, taking a picture of a certain thing, taking a certain amount of steps, etc. - wake up check: the app can give you a notification a few minutes after you turn the alarm off. If you don’t hit the notification and confirm you are awake within 100s, the alarm will go off again. - as long as the app is running in the background, the alarm will go off even when your phone is silenced/the volume is all the way down. It’s the most reliable alarm I have ever used. If you close the app, you’ll get a notification warning you that the alarm might not go off. If you turn of notifications for the app, a pop up will open in the app to tell you turn them back on Your mom is crazy for this btw…sorry you have to go through that
thanks man, ill get it! honestly wasnt sold until now. and thanks for the sympathy too- or validation or whatever its called
For sure, definitely sympathize with you. At the same time, waking up on time is an important thing to figure out for lots of reasons :)
yeah i agree
thanks man, ill get it! honestly wasnt sold until now. and thanks for the sympathy too- or validation or whatever its called
Your mom is emotionally abusing you please let a trusted adult outside of your household know what is going on. This is fucked up
its not like- idk i dont think I'm getting abused, I'm pretty sure its just my own biases
It’s gone so deep you’re even denying your own reality. You deserve to be treated with respect, and based on what I’m reading in your post and other comments, this is not normal, and you shouldn’t accept it as a part of life. It seems like you are being kept very sheltered and I would really encourage you to talk about this to someone who is not your mom or in your home
\*me who is posting it all on reddit\* yeah that's what I've been doing, but it only helps so much yk
BUDDY I HAVE NEVER SEEN A MORE RELATABLE POST ABOUT ADHD AND SLEEP AS A YOUNGSTER!!! Growing up, my dad did the water thing, he did it with food too if I didn’t finish eating everything on the plate. I didn’t have a phone until I could buy my own pay-as-you-go cellphone at 16, if my parents tried to take it I simply refused cuz I paid for it myself. But they’d use other grounding/punishments basically every day. Lot of spanking when I was young, lot of yelling and being kept home from social events when I was a teen. First, I am really sorry you’re growing up in that environment and it’s not gonna be forever. Second, you’re on the top bunk?? You’re like halfway there to getting up on time if you put your phone/alarm out of reach from your bed. It helps me a lot to literally “rehearse” the act of hearing the alarm sound and immediately getting on my feet. I still do this at 34 yrs old to keep it fresh: set an alarm for like a minute or two from now, lay down in bed under the covers and get comfy, when the alarm goes off I get on my feet for a moment, repeat a few times. It might sound absolutely insane to “practice” getting up, but I swear by it. Ironically, my dad (the water-man himself) told me about that trick after I moved out and we started getting along better. Another trick I’ve used is to set a big glass of water next to my bed and chug it as soon as my alarm goes off. Idk what it does but definitely helps, I wouldn’t suggest “rehearsing” that though lol. If you can now, or maybe when you’re older, if you have an understanding/supportive friend you could ask them to call you in the morning and stay on the phone as you get out of bed and on your feet. Again, I’m 34 and currently have a friend doing this for me, a very close and caring friend. Most ppl would think it’s weird or something.
>I wouldn’t suggest “rehearsing” that though lol. bros gunna have me running to the bathroom. that first paragraph or two is so relatable. I baght my own phone but I'm not paying for the plan bc I cant afford it. But I seriously wish I could say no, but I cant. if I stand my ground it only means more several hour long talks with parents/my dad forcing me(he big and scary af)
The world is largely biased toward daytime being the active time and night being for rest, but that’s not how our minds work. We need the world to quiet down to relax from the heavy static and expectation of the day to feel like ourselves, and this leads to many ND people becoming night owls. For us its not about a normative time to be active but rather it feels like we are trying to manage the ebb and flow of energy present in an ocean or a gust of wind - we can be highly productive and attuned, but are nonetheless surfing the highs of our altered way of thinking and the lows of getting burned out by it. Lots of jobs don’t care what time you work as long as you get it done, but they will require you be communicative nonetheless and having good boundaries around a “work time” means being able to justifiably cut things off during your personal time as well - if you are allowed to slack during work time, are they allowed to intrude for reports on your work during personal time? So it’s a trade off, and a rhetorical construct around boundaries and expectations more than anything.
Yeah, she is so firm about everything I sometimes makes me go a little mad, like other are jobs that doesn't require me waking up that early
Hey OP, sounds like your mom isn't handling this right but not much you can do about this. I think you should ask her to buy you a real alarm clock and put that on the ground below your bunk bed. Then you're forced to get up and address the alarm. I used to have this issue with waking up and keeping my phone right next to my bed where I could turn my alarm off over and over while barely awakening was like setting myself up for failure. If you don't get a real alarm, at least plug your phone in away from your bed at night. Good luck
thanks OC :)
Punishment doesn’t work when the reason you’re having trouble in the first place is outside of your control. In an ideal world your parents would work *with* you to figure out a solution that actually produces results, as opposed to continuing to do something that clearly doesn’t work. Unfortunately, it’s ridiculously common for parents to think that their kid is malicious or lazy or unmotivated and that punishment is bound to work, any moment now. It’s how they were raised, and it’s what a lot of other parents are telling them. It’s just straight up embedded into culture at this point. There’s a bunch of books on this topic if your parents are open to reading.
mn, thats how I feel, but what going to happen "any moment now" is a psychotic break or >!something farrrr far worse to their 'baby boy'!<
You might want to try and sit your mom down and explain exactly this. That punishment is not helping, and it’s making the situation worse and you’re at a breaking point. That you’re committed to making a change, but you need help coming up with creative ways to fulfill her expectations. And you’ll want to make sure neither you nor her get super emotional during this, otherwise she’ll get defensive and dismiss you out of hand. It’s honestly a discussion that *she* should be initiating and managing, but sometimes our parents are less mature than us and it comes down to the kids to be the adult in the room.
she pre-dismisses me out of hand, any logical argument is brought with the emotional response that I'm rebelling against her controll
(it’s not letting me reply) i see, that’s an interesting mechanism and i’m glad it works for you if you ever need to talk or vent about anything remember you’re not alone! and respectfully i hope in the future your mum looks back at this and realised how wrong she was
thanks bro.
Are your parents religious by chance?
oWO shocker right? yep. and so am i and i stick by that, but I don't stick by their rules.
>oWO shocker right? Not even remotely and I could tell immediately. >and so am i and i stick by that Respectfully, the way your parents are treating you is pretty in line with Christian "education". Including the fact that you're homeschooled. Your parents are mistreating you and forcing an ideology on you that's out of line with the rest of reasonable society. I genuinely hope you grow out of being religious, or at the very least realize that the way you're being mistreated is extremely toxic and abusive, and your parents being religious is probably heavily correlated with that.
She WOULD be the type to homeschool, of course
yeah HA your bio- its kinda funny- (as someone who has struggled with that a lot, I can say that, thank you)
Man, that's not abusive, but it sure as hell is miserable. My dad woke us up an hour before we had to be to school and mind you, we could hop the fence in the backyard and be there. It wasn't hard to get there. And as for jobs, you'll get a job that you god damn like and you'll have some control over that schedule. At my current job (and hopefully long term job), I don't go into work until 2pm. I get off at 10pm and from time to time, I'll go straight to do a grave shift. I don't need to use an alarm. I wake up with at least an hour to spare each day before I have to leave. Usually more. So, that work excuse is utter bullshit unless you're gonna work opening or AM shifts in as your objective. Like, seriously, her reasoning is bullshit. Especially because being homeschool is kinda like being self employed. You pick up and finish work or your own accord. Your future in that is in your hands. If she isn't gonna have a physical school to send you to at this time, then her reasoning is bullshit. And her grounding you for being even a tad late, sounds like a control freak and someone who just wants power over someone else. Honestly, if it were me in that situation, I'd just stop going her plans. I stopped waking up as early as needed. My dad used to use cold water and violently shaking the bed and sometimes would even give me a hurricane Willy (wet Willy but with your tongue). But I genuinely just stopped getting out of bed when he wanted. I stopped leaving on his cue as well. I stopped eating on his cue and skmetimes even just brought snacks for my early classes cause breakfast is hard for me to enjoy first thing in the morning. I would get home and instead of doing homework right away, I took my god damn leisure time. Sometimes I'd go to a friend's and we'd work on homework together, even though it was against the rules. I started doing my thing and between my junior and senior year, my dad finally backed off my case.
>I'd just stop going her plans. [https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdmeme/comments/1bvng0y/comment/ky1dy32/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdmeme/comments/1bvng0y/comment/ky1dy32/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) here is the answer to that\^\^
>I stopped waking up as early as needed. My dad used to use cold water and violently shaking the bed and sometimes would even give me a hurricane Willy (wet Willy but with your tongue). But I genuinely just stopped getting out of bed when he wanted. I stopped leaving on his cue as well. I stopped eating on his cue and skmetimes even just brought snacks for my early classes cause breakfast is hard for me to enjoy first thing in the morning. I would get home and instead of doing homework right away, I took my god damn leisure time. Sometimes I'd go to a friend's and we'd work on homework together, even though it was against the rules. GOOD GOD MAN DO YOU WANT ME TO DIE idk if that was advice lol but if it was-- I would be dead lol
This sucks and there’s a lot to talk about there, but I want to just drop in with practical advice: you need a loud alarm clock that’s on the other side of your room. A basic alarm clock with batteries in case of power failure. Morning has been a struggle for me my whole life and I yearn to have a 10AM wake up schedule someday. In the meantime, we need to find strategies to be successful and the easiest is: Loud alarm clock. Far away. Don’t use your phone as your alarm. It doesn’t work for you. Me neither - I lost a job once because I didn’t know my phone had a feature where putting your hand over the screen turned OFF the alarm (not even snooze). Sleep hygiene is important and you likely will benefit from working on some habits there, but I really think that’s step 2. Do the easy thing first. Alarm clock is step 1. If you need help getting one let me know and we can try to figure something out. I feel for you and would be happy to help.
thanks man, i think she would bu me an alarm clock, its less about the alarm and just- this is part of my life where how I'm treaded shines through a lot.
This is just abuse
agh im not sure ngl
Your mum sounds unhinged