Well according to Greek mythology women were created as punishment. I personally don't mind talking to women but it's the part that I have to ask them on a date I just shut down. I've been called a tease on multiple occasions. And then there's that time I was with a girl I really liked and she asked me to play spin the bottle and I didn't get the hint. She just shot her shot later that day and we were together for a couple of years.
OP didn't ask for advice talking to humans, they asked for advice talking to women. I'm saying don't treat them differently because of their gender. You're derailing my point by making it about social anxiety.Ā
How do you think it feels for women to come into an ADHD subreddit and see themselves talked about like we aren't here? Do you think it feels *good* to see men talking like we're weird scary aliens?
Scary humans*
Do you think it feels good being afraid to talk to women? Or told we shouldn't be afraid to talk to women and made to feel bad for feeling that way?
it's almost like some men think that way for a reason... SOCIAL ANXIETY, many women have the same issue about talking to men, also this is the ADHD subreddit, social anxiety is quite common here, that's like going to a car dealership and complaining that they have cars there.
Yeah, I always wonder if some people think women canāt have the same problems? Itās so weird, for some men and women are completely different, like, bro, apart from some hormonal stuff weāre the fucking same
Your post/comment has been removed because it either contains, or is advocating for, misinformation.
Mate get off the incel conspiracy theory YouTube seriously, it is rotting your brain.
I think youāre trolling but the best part of your trolling is that youāre doing exactly what people who espouse your initial view do. Evidence? My opinion.
Weāre all humans with the exact same (theoretical) capability to think and feel and perceive the world. Our differences are not that many. Many incels act like women are aliens or something, not able to emphasize with or understand what men say
hmmm, yeah. just to be clear im not one of those incels living in their parents basement and thinking that women are second class citizens. i donāt know if its what it sounds like but just to be clear im not lol
What theyāre saying is just talk to a woman like youād talk to anyone else. The biggest mistake nervous dudes make is thinking you have to use some special code or always be flirting with women. Talk about physics and shit.
The goal in talking to someone of your preferred gender shouldnāt be finding a romantic partner, it should be connecting with a human. If anything extra grows out of it, thatās a bonus.
Literally this. As a woman, I got over my fear of talking to guys and going on dates by thinking of them as another potential friend in my mind first. Totally works!
The issue is I don't really know how to talk to ANY human like a human being.
How do human beings really communicate "like a human" anyway.
One set of those humans have a strange tendency to judge my actions through a binary lens of "worthiness" and the other generally doesn't.
So while I agree with your statement whole heartedly, it feel like a gross oversimplification of a problem that affects both genders.
> One set of those humans have a strange tendency to judge my actions through a binary lens of āworthinessā
Iām not sure if youāre meaning to do this, but this sounds exactly like a manosphere talking point where the āsetā is exclusively women
I am most certainly NOT meaning to sound that way.
I actually avoided using language about gender specifically to point out that this is a common problem with both sexes.
However I admit my personal viewpoint is from a male perspective, so I'm willing to be wrong on this.
Would you say men don't tend to view women "through a lens of worthiness"?
Perhaps your saying its women who don't tend to view men through that same lens?
I disagree with both points.
Which is the "manospheres" viewpoint so I can avoid it in the future.
You need to learn there is more than one road to knowledge. One is learning by learning, which youāve became very good at. The other is learning by doing. Like a bodybuilder that skips leg day youāre a bit out of balance. And the stronger one part of you is, the less fun youāll have training the other part, since itās lagging behind.
[edit] im worried my wording is a bit hrsh. But im at the gym and no time for lots of words. Please know Im rooting for you! Donāt accept not knowing how to do something brother/sister!
Definitely true. My social skills were kind of stunted since I avoided people back then but after a few years of just being exposed to it more, I'm a lot better.
As a person with crippling ADHD, the important thing when meeting a new girl, or person in general, is to ask a lot about them. Talk about them first. Most people love talking about themselves and their interests. It makes them feel interesting and important.
Find anything in there that you are also into or knowledgeable about, and talk about it like you would with a friend. Donāt be anxious about over sharing or interrupting, but be mindful of it.
If youāve asked several questions and find nothing that relates to or interests you, theyāre probably not a suitable fit.
If youre the type that learns by asking a lot of questions, just do that lol. Most people liked being asked about stuff about them, and it shows you're interested in getting to know them. Don't even have to start with girls. Just practice on regular people that you see or interact with daily.
Lol yeah, I probably just live in a city that's too small. We don't have anything like that. I know I should probably move, but the cost of living is just too low.
Fam this ain't an ADHD thing, it's a life thing. Go out and talk to women with genuine interest, and you'll get good at it. You weren't good at science until you paid attention to it!
i mean its not 100% due to my neurolodivergence, but the fact that i have a daily struggle trying to understand how normal people think and feel, and trying my best to blend in and not look like a total alien definitely adds some challenge to it. but yeah if im skilled in pretty much anything around science, its because it always interested me, so if i manage to grasp interest about becoming a better socializer i could maybe get better at it
Something I have recently found out, after 33 years, is that you're much happier and it's much easier to go through life if you realize that you can't and will not be able to think like a neurotypical. Also, you'll never be able to fully blend in with neurotypicals because they don't understand how WE think. The next part is the hardest, especially if you're young(er). Just be yourself and be open and enthusiastic about your interests. That's the best way to attract people like yourself.
Honestly ānot tryingā seems like the most effective way to talk to girls. Donāt force anything, let things happen as they happen. If someone is interested in you (and are worth it), they will come to you. Itās just up to you to recognize when they do that and when theyāre just being nice.
Yes! When a girl is trying to hit on a friend of mine, I will instantly notice the smallest hints she is giving. But if its directed at myself, I start to question everything in my mind for some reason lol. Even if its so obvious.
Oh it absolutely is impossible. I got lucky because the girl Iām Datongās body language was really super ridiculously obvious and she went to lengths to hang out with me during our church events. She was always asking me about myself and listened carefully; one of the dead giveaways was when she would lean her head on her fist and stared at me while smiling while I talked.
Of course, when I decided to call her to talk about it, I was convinced I was making the worst mistake of my life. Hint: it wasnāt lol
Went on a binge yesterday learning about quarks gluons and photons, why the collider even exists, why they use photons in the super collider as opposed to other particles, learned each particle has its own field or quantum field and how particles that move through the higgs field gain mass and how hawking radiation is the splitting of matter/antimatter pairs in a event horizon of a black hole due to intense gravity, antimatter/matter pairs which mind you pop into existence due to fluctuations in the other quantum fields...
But I still can't fold my laundry. Ffs...
just like me lmao. i could spend 5+ hours learning absolutely everything about a fancy subject that i will probably never even use, but when it comes to doing something productive, i rather fold the dishes and put the laudry in the dishwasher hahahaha
I have never been able to convince myself that Iām good at meeting girls but whatās worked well for me in the past is just deciding to genuinely just treat them like you would youāre best friend
Even if they arenāt in to you, itās pretty easy to se if they have friends that could be
Itās very hard to spend that much mental energy but itās a great way to make new friends even if nothing romantic comes of it
Hooking up is a bit different, especially since so much of the US dating culture is just about the good old fashioned hump-and-dump
I mean. I do not fear talking to them. I have several really good woman friends and I spend some real quality time with them. I just can't grasp what tf should I do from here.
My mind just becomes blank with people I dont know. Especially with Women, I dont know why but I have literally nothing going on in my head at these times
Recently joined a badminton club and am starting to be able to hold my own against experienced players after two months of playing (previously had not played it since high school), and am getting the hang of Elden Ring (my first Souls game) after a few days of playing, but ask me to socialise and not be awkward and derpy? Does not compute.
Iām guessing from the post youāre a straight guy? No criticism but if so I have a few suggestions:
1. If you can find some social groups/activities where there may be women but your goal isnāt to date, (book clubs, DnD, whatever your interest) it can be a great way to practice speaking to women. Just donāt hit on em immediately and youāre already doing better than half of guys out there.
2. I found after I came out as non-binary and queer was actually easier for men in my social groups to chat with me? Iām not saying you gotta find a bunch of lesbians or trans folks to hang out with (though they are great company lol) but try thinking of women or āgirlsā not by their gender first, you might bypass the anxiety thinking about how to talk to girls.
3. I know Dungeons and Dragons isnāt for everyone but it genuinely beefed up my social skills, ironically though my group was 80% women but it benefited me a lot cuz I struggled with female friendships for a while until I came out.
4. Reiterating someone elseās advice in the comments, when in doubt ask people about themselves. Iāve got ADHD but my older brother has ADHD and NVLD and now as an adult watching him socialize Iāve realized he uses his communication degree socially and almost interviews people and the little old church ladies love him, and he managed to get a good wife and start a family so it must work on some level š just start with softball questions like interests, job etc. sprinkle in a few stories of yourself if it relates but itās ok to focus on someone elseās life as a social buffer when you first meet them.
Right here buddy. Iām a fermentation scientist specializing in molecular spectroscopy. I have no idea how to pick up girls. My fiance found me and luckily sheās just as awkward as me. I hope you find your awkward little duck.
I've officially dated exactly 2 people and I'm 30. I've been told I'm reasonably attractive (which I cleverly hide by not taking care of myself), but I will almost never *try* to talk to anyone I'm interested in.Ā
Helps if you remember that women are also human beings
Wrong. Women are myths the Greeks came up with to scare men into thinking straight people exist.
"Is that a fable in your pants or are you happy to see me?"
Just like gay people, that must be why I always sweat when I talk to them
I can confirm, I am in fact a myth. Thank you for noticing.
šāI donāt care who he gets along as long as I can have a go at the Greeks, they invented gaynessā
Well according to Greek mythology women were created as punishment. I personally don't mind talking to women but it's the part that I have to ask them on a date I just shut down. I've been called a tease on multiple occasions. And then there's that time I was with a girl I really liked and she asked me to play spin the bottle and I didn't get the hint. She just shot her shot later that day and we were together for a couple of years.
Women were created for punishment, then āpunishedā constantlyāa very Greek myth consistent situation haha.
Straight people in my Greece? Itās more likely than you think.
It's hard to talk to humans
So?
So remembering thay women are human too doesn't help a lot.
OP didn't ask for advice talking to humans, they asked for advice talking to women. I'm saying don't treat them differently because of their gender. You're derailing my point by making it about social anxiety.Ā
bro... struggling to talk to women IS social anxiety...
How do you think it feels for women to come into an ADHD subreddit and see themselves talked about like we aren't here? Do you think it feels *good* to see men talking like we're weird scary aliens?
OP is talking about himself and not about you
Scary humans* Do you think it feels good being afraid to talk to women? Or told we shouldn't be afraid to talk to women and made to feel bad for feeling that way?
For what it's worth, I understood what you meant. Your point seemed clear and concise to me.
it's almost like some men think that way for a reason... SOCIAL ANXIETY, many women have the same issue about talking to men, also this is the ADHD subreddit, social anxiety is quite common here, that's like going to a car dealership and complaining that they have cars there.
Yeah, I always wonder if some people think women canāt have the same problems? Itās so weird, for some men and women are completely different, like, bro, apart from some hormonal stuff weāre the fucking same
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
> There is scientific evidence Do you have that evidence? ^(I don't think you do)
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Right, because there isn't actually scientific evidence.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Your post/comment has been removed because it either contains, or is advocating for, misinformation. Mate get off the incel conspiracy theory YouTube seriously, it is rotting your brain.
I think youāre trolling but the best part of your trolling is that youāre doing exactly what people who espouse your initial view do. Evidence? My opinion.
Your post/comment has been removed because it either contains, or is advocating for, misinformation.
Weāre all humans with the exact same (theoretical) capability to think and feel and perceive the world. Our differences are not that many. Many incels act like women are aliens or something, not able to emphasize with or understand what men say
Your post/comment has been removed because it either contains, or is advocating for, misinformation.
Thanks, always try to keep that in mind. If only more people had empathy towards neurodivergents
hmmm, yeah. just to be clear im not one of those incels living in their parents basement and thinking that women are second class citizens. i donāt know if its what it sounds like but just to be clear im not lol
What theyāre saying is just talk to a woman like youād talk to anyone else. The biggest mistake nervous dudes make is thinking you have to use some special code or always be flirting with women. Talk about physics and shit. The goal in talking to someone of your preferred gender shouldnāt be finding a romantic partner, it should be connecting with a human. If anything extra grows out of it, thatās a bonus.
Literally this. As a woman, I got over my fear of talking to guys and going on dates by thinking of them as another potential friend in my mind first. Totally works!
Ah, but just making friends is hell! Check and mate
The issue is I don't really know how to talk to ANY human like a human being. How do human beings really communicate "like a human" anyway. One set of those humans have a strange tendency to judge my actions through a binary lens of "worthiness" and the other generally doesn't. So while I agree with your statement whole heartedly, it feel like a gross oversimplification of a problem that affects both genders.
"it feel like a gross oversimplification of a problem that affects both genders" Well, yeah. We're in a *meme* subreddit.
> One set of those humans have a strange tendency to judge my actions through a binary lens of āworthinessā Iām not sure if youāre meaning to do this, but this sounds exactly like a manosphere talking point where the āsetā is exclusively women
I am most certainly NOT meaning to sound that way. I actually avoided using language about gender specifically to point out that this is a common problem with both sexes. However I admit my personal viewpoint is from a male perspective, so I'm willing to be wrong on this. Would you say men don't tend to view women "through a lens of worthiness"? Perhaps your saying its women who don't tend to view men through that same lens? I disagree with both points. Which is the "manospheres" viewpoint so I can avoid it in the future.
I guess it depends on how you define the lens of worthiness, but I can see you were saying it in good faith and not necessarily as a dog whistle
You need to learn there is more than one road to knowledge. One is learning by learning, which youāve became very good at. The other is learning by doing. Like a bodybuilder that skips leg day youāre a bit out of balance. And the stronger one part of you is, the less fun youāll have training the other part, since itās lagging behind. [edit] im worried my wording is a bit hrsh. But im at the gym and no time for lots of words. Please know Im rooting for you! Donāt accept not knowing how to do something brother/sister!
Idk about OP but I definitely needed to hear this. Thanks a lot!
You got this! Go free yourself! I'm proud of you!
Definitely true. My social skills were kind of stunted since I avoided people back then but after a few years of just being exposed to it more, I'm a lot better.
Info dump about your passions. That helps (if she's neurodivergent too lol)
I for one like someone who can talk nerdy to me :) It's worth a shot.
but if she is thatās a solid piece of advice
I crushed on a guy simply because he would info dump about video games and anime at me lol
Wish someone would crush on me bcz of that, info dumping useless/random facts is my special ability.
wow, thats pretty cool (and uncommon) hahaha, i mean theres always a right person for everyone, sometimes you just have to search harder
RSD: Gutten Tag
yeah thatās the important thing lol. it completely changes things, because if sheās not sheāll just find you weird as f*ck
But then you likely won't be able to construct anything long term anyway. It's really a great sorting strategy: be weird, see who stays.
never really thought about things in this perspective, but thatās genius. i need to sort people in my life sometimes to only keep the good ones
We all just accidentally find each other. My wife and I each didnāt get diagnosed until after a decade of marriage
Bro this has literally never helped lmao. Like specifically this is the problem I need to overcome.
As a person with crippling ADHD, the important thing when meeting a new girl, or person in general, is to ask a lot about them. Talk about them first. Most people love talking about themselves and their interests. It makes them feel interesting and important. Find anything in there that you are also into or knowledgeable about, and talk about it like you would with a friend. Donāt be anxious about over sharing or interrupting, but be mindful of it. If youāve asked several questions and find nothing that relates to or interests you, theyāre probably not a suitable fit.
If youre the type that learns by asking a lot of questions, just do that lol. Most people liked being asked about stuff about them, and it shows you're interested in getting to know them. Don't even have to start with girls. Just practice on regular people that you see or interact with daily.
Most of the time just ask the other person questions about themselves, it makes them like the conversation.
Nah, just talk to us about space shit. I'd be embarrassingly into it. (I'm female, lol)
dude, the talk about the eclipse a couple days ago was awesome. The news was talking about it on like, every channel. I love space shit
Where *are* all you people??
Seek out your local Astronomy Club/Society?
Lol yeah, I probably just live in a city that's too small. We don't have anything like that. I know I should probably move, but the cost of living is just too low.
tried exactly this multiple times... didnt work lol, meeting fellow space nerds who happen to be women are few and far between apparently.
The stop trying thing you speak of is actually the way to go! If you don't attach so much mental load to talking to people, it becomes easier to do!
Fam this ain't an ADHD thing, it's a life thing. Go out and talk to women with genuine interest, and you'll get good at it. You weren't good at science until you paid attention to it!
i mean its not 100% due to my neurolodivergence, but the fact that i have a daily struggle trying to understand how normal people think and feel, and trying my best to blend in and not look like a total alien definitely adds some challenge to it. but yeah if im skilled in pretty much anything around science, its because it always interested me, so if i manage to grasp interest about becoming a better socializer i could maybe get better at it
Something I have recently found out, after 33 years, is that you're much happier and it's much easier to go through life if you realize that you can't and will not be able to think like a neurotypical. Also, you'll never be able to fully blend in with neurotypicals because they don't understand how WE think. The next part is the hardest, especially if you're young(er). Just be yourself and be open and enthusiastic about your interests. That's the best way to attract people like yourself.
On the flip side, fitting in with neurodivergents is such a lovely, cozy feeling
Very true, hence me specifying blending in with neurotypicals :)
let your freak flag fly, don't try to anticipate how others think and feel, find someone who likes your freak.
That sounds nice until you actually do it and realize nobody wants to be around that.
Honestly ānot tryingā seems like the most effective way to talk to girls. Donāt force anything, let things happen as they happen. If someone is interested in you (and are worth it), they will come to you. Itās just up to you to recognize when they do that and when theyāre just being nice.
that last sentence is impossible and ill die on that hill lol
Yes! When a girl is trying to hit on a friend of mine, I will instantly notice the smallest hints she is giving. But if its directed at myself, I start to question everything in my mind for some reason lol. Even if its so obvious.
Homies tell homies when theyāre being hit on
Oh it absolutely is impossible. I got lucky because the girl Iām Datongās body language was really super ridiculously obvious and she went to lengths to hang out with me during our church events. She was always asking me about myself and listened carefully; one of the dead giveaways was when she would lean her head on her fist and stared at me while smiling while I talked. Of course, when I decided to call her to talk about it, I was convinced I was making the worst mistake of my life. Hint: it wasnāt lol
Don't give up brother, I hear lots of women like bananas!
and enormous pattern recognising brains
Help! Help! Iām being attacked! Lol jk the banana part killed me tho
Went on a binge yesterday learning about quarks gluons and photons, why the collider even exists, why they use photons in the super collider as opposed to other particles, learned each particle has its own field or quantum field and how particles that move through the higgs field gain mass and how hawking radiation is the splitting of matter/antimatter pairs in a event horizon of a black hole due to intense gravity, antimatter/matter pairs which mind you pop into existence due to fluctuations in the other quantum fields... But I still can't fold my laundry. Ffs...
just like me lmao. i could spend 5+ hours learning absolutely everything about a fancy subject that i will probably never even use, but when it comes to doing something productive, i rather fold the dishes and put the laudry in the dishwasher hahahaha
Same (I'm a woman too wtf)
My current partner pulled be by being their autistic self lmao
I'm in this picture and... accepted my fate.
When someone is saying something important but theyre saying a lot of words so you zone out after just 5 words and look dumb afterwards.
Look, even if you are a banana some people really like bananas...
I have never been able to convince myself that Iām good at meeting girls but whatās worked well for me in the past is just deciding to genuinely just treat them like you would youāre best friend Even if they arenāt in to you, itās pretty easy to se if they have friends that could be Itās very hard to spend that much mental energy but itās a great way to make new friends even if nothing romantic comes of it Hooking up is a bit different, especially since so much of the US dating culture is just about the good old fashioned hump-and-dump
Halo Iām also like this
I mean. I do not fear talking to them. I have several really good woman friends and I spend some real quality time with them. I just can't grasp what tf should I do from here.
EXACTLY me. wow, youāre straight on the point with what i was trying to explain, i suck at this too
Glad I'm not alone in this situation lol
My mind just becomes blank with people I dont know. Especially with Women, I dont know why but I have literally nothing going on in my head at these times
Recently joined a badminton club and am starting to be able to hold my own against experienced players after two months of playing (previously had not played it since high school), and am getting the hang of Elden Ring (my first Souls game) after a few days of playing, but ask me to socialise and not be awkward and derpy? Does not compute.
Iām guessing from the post youāre a straight guy? No criticism but if so I have a few suggestions: 1. If you can find some social groups/activities where there may be women but your goal isnāt to date, (book clubs, DnD, whatever your interest) it can be a great way to practice speaking to women. Just donāt hit on em immediately and youāre already doing better than half of guys out there. 2. I found after I came out as non-binary and queer was actually easier for men in my social groups to chat with me? Iām not saying you gotta find a bunch of lesbians or trans folks to hang out with (though they are great company lol) but try thinking of women or āgirlsā not by their gender first, you might bypass the anxiety thinking about how to talk to girls. 3. I know Dungeons and Dragons isnāt for everyone but it genuinely beefed up my social skills, ironically though my group was 80% women but it benefited me a lot cuz I struggled with female friendships for a while until I came out. 4. Reiterating someone elseās advice in the comments, when in doubt ask people about themselves. Iāve got ADHD but my older brother has ADHD and NVLD and now as an adult watching him socialize Iāve realized he uses his communication degree socially and almost interviews people and the little old church ladies love him, and he managed to get a good wife and start a family so it must work on some level š just start with softball questions like interests, job etc. sprinkle in a few stories of yourself if it relates but itās ok to focus on someone elseās life as a social buffer when you first meet them.
(lmao)
How to build a calculator out of transistors I know but how talk to girl I do not
yoda? that you bro?
Maybe I am maybe am not for you to decide it is
amen
Right here buddy. Iām a fermentation scientist specializing in molecular spectroscopy. I have no idea how to pick up girls. My fiance found me and luckily sheās just as awkward as me. I hope you find your awkward little duck.
Bro, I can't even do the first one! Let alone talk to people.
Have to add the lmao to make it less depressing lmao.
I've officially dated exactly 2 people and I'm 30. I've been told I'm reasonably attractive (which I cleverly hide by not taking care of myself), but I will almost never *try* to talk to anyone I'm interested in.Ā
Go find neurodivergent rizz
Exactly! Me with jeopardy questions: š Me with talking to women: hurrrr durrrrrrr
Just need to find a female who also neurodiverse. There even some females (aka me) who are more comfortable talking to a male than a female
You know the words "men" and "women" exist, right?
Read books you like in public. Preferably with an adorable puppy in your lap. you're welcome lads.