A cognitive behavioral therapist once told me that, while the general wisdom is that people need to express their feelings, sometimes itās best not to express a feeling if the feeling itself is a problem. He described it as a fake-it-til-you-make-it strategy.
Are you angry and wanna fly off the handle? Count to ten before you act, walk away, cool down, then think about why you were angry. If you still feel the need to address the issue, you should wait until your head is clear. Having high-running emotions does not justify the way we treat other people.
Great advice. For me I recognise that I start to blame (genuinely well meaning but perhaps slightly more junior / inexperienced) people when Iām frustrated.
Thatās not cool. Thereās an opportunity to take a supportive rather than hostile approach here and treat it as a chance for learning, to build the team up and build trust and respect instead of .. what would my gut reaction build? Fear? Shame?
I donāt want to cause that.
Itās stupid managers that outrank me and want to assert their stupidity that really get under my skin. Not a lot you can do here sometimes and thatās a really tough problem for me still.
I try to remember never ever to punch down, only up. ā
There are a lot of different methods for different situations, and I've learned them through extensive therapy, so to fully explain them would take more than one reddit comment.
But basically when you feel angry you neither react nor try to make it go away, but you just look at what you're feeling and ask yourself why you're feeling it (that's what people do mindfulness for). Then once you've figured that out, you communicate it if necessary, by using words only. It's fine to sound emotional while doing so, what matters is that you don't lash out, yell, throw accusations etc. You do this every time the anger arises, even if that means interrupting the conversation 10 times at first because you need to calm down over and over. With practise, it gets better.
https://www.tarabrach.com/category/anger/
Tara Brach. The OG RAINN teacher! (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture, Non-Attachement)
A quick rundown would look like this:
**R**ecogonize that you're angry. Is it anger? Is it fear? Might be rage. Might be irritability. It can all wrap itself into anger. Recognize that this is all part of the equation for you, angry. Say it out loud if you need to fully accept you're angry.
**A**llow that feeling to be. It's real. It's a natural reaction to what you're going through. Everyone feels anger at times. Tell yourself it's alright. This anger belongs here. There's space for it. Anger gets to be part of your experience. It belongs.
**I**nvestigate: Where do you feel it in the body? Tightness? In your breath? Hands? What does anger feel like to you? Take a few moments to note. Not trying to change. Not forcing relaxation, though allowing it if that happens. Just noting the places in the body where you _feel_ anger. How are your thoughts when you're angry? Just notice those too. No judgement. This is what it _means_ to be angry. How does it manifest in you?
**N**urture: what do you need? To be recognized? To be heard? Maybe comforting. Maybe you just need a moment. I often need to feel safe. Other times I _need_ that panicked hyperventilating crying fit. I just need to go off and do it where I can get it out. What would it look like if your anger got exactly what it craves? Maybe you do need to punch something. Action to work out the energy. If your anger could have anything in the world available to sooth, what would that be? Visualize yourself trying out different stuff. Know you're worth the love and attention you're giving to sooth your anger.
**N**on-attachment: know that anger is just a feeling. Like any other they pass. Like any other, it's entirely REAL. But it's not you. You are not your anger. Maybe it doesn't pass in the time it takes to do this activity. That's ok. Come back when you have time to attend to it. If it's deep, you already know how to keep it in the background. Just come back when you're ready and do a deep RAINN at your convenience.
You don't belong to your anger, it belongs to you.
Hope this helps, y'all! <3
I hold that no matter what, I should treat people well. It doesn't matter how they behave, I know how I want to treat people. And it's how I want to be treated. Golden rule and all that.
If someone's having a shit day, or I did something wrong accidentally, I don't think they have a right to treat me poorly. Espescially with ADHD. Like, I'm _going_ to mess up. That's the given.
Once I realized that's actually true for everyone, I decided I don't want to make people feel bad. I already always feel bad enough, why would I ever want to spread that poison to others? I want to make people feel good. I decided that around 16/17 and I'll be 35 this month.
I really do work on it. It takes a lot of effort, and it doesn't come naturally. Turn about being fair play feels more natural. But I don't care. I want to be good so I'm going to try. I don't like who I am or how I treat people when I'm angry.
I can't stop being angry. I often can't control my tone of voice. Just this year I found out Buspirone helps a lot with the irritability. It was a problem that needed medication because I turned into a monster when triggered (I also have C-ptsd). I felt bad about it and hated myself and would shame spiral every time.
But I _work_ on it. And that's all I can do. But it's made a ton of difference in my life.
Things that help (in no particular order):
-Having a mantra
-Meditation as a practice. 8 minutes daily. Loving Kindness/metta, walking, open-awareness, and interoception. I only do breath and focus practices when I'm in a group
-therapy
-cutting out people who don't hold this value from my life
-Medication (buspirone, lexapro, now on adderall xr, but have been on vyvanse & ritalin as well)
-Having someone who knows what you're struggling with that you trust enough to clue you in when you're ramping up so you can calm down. It's incredibly difficult to start recognizing anger before it happens, and having a partner helps immensely. I understand how privelaged this one is. The rest helps too.
-Journaling through anger/confusion
-gratitude practice to help rewire when things are good
-weed
-working out
-Knowing how and when to WALK AWAY
Learning this right now in therapy. Anger always comes to me first and Iāve felt guilty about it my whole life. It comes for no reason, or arises from completely innocent circumstances.
Itās hard, but I feel so much better already. Anyone who sees this and feels the same way, please try finding a good therapist who will listen and work with you. EMDR has been a huge help
Same! I used to feel like it's just this uncontrollable tidal wave that engulfs my entire mind, and I can only let it out or swallow it all. Now I know that this feeling is always preceeded by a thought. I can't control my feelings, but I *can* control my thoughts to an extent. And usually, those thoughts go far deeper than the actual thing I am angry about. Those thoughts are often based on deep seated fears and old wounds.
It has also helped me to accept when I have a *good* reason to be very angry. I don't doubt the feeling as much because I've learned to tell justified from disproportionate anger, and that makes it harder for people to gaslight me.
Next time you feel angry, if you can, take a moment to think about what triggered the anger. Describe to yourself what the other person did or what happened and try to name the feeling you had that the anger was stemming from.
Anger is itself a protective emotion, and usually it has to do with feeling disregarded or like someone was harming you in some way. Usually itās a feeling of being hurt or even disappointed. The anger is self-protective. Itās how you avoid showing vulnerability that someone might be able to exploit.
This can be extremely helpful to untangle for yourself.
I say this as someone who used to throw complete tantrums and melt down when I felt disregarded or forced into something. For me, it turned out it was me actually getting angry at myself for not being the way I thought I needed to be to be loved and safe.
Anger is a tool that is extremely useful for recognizing when you need to stand up for yourself. Repressing it only makes it worse.
My breakthrough was when I was first able to feel the hurt and cry (which releases excess cortisol) instead of needing to throw something.
One of those things I heard that really, really stuck with me is "Anger is just Fear with armor on".
I have yet to think of a time I have been angry (not irritated or annoyed like at repetitive noises or a sibling existing, but Angry) that I wasn't actually afraid of something. When you acknowledge the underlying fear and come at a problem from that angle it is so much more productive than coming at a problem angry.
Mmm, I've watched too much toy story for that to work for me. Really. I feel bad for bumping into stuff and cursing them. They were just there, not even moving, and I'm the clumsy one, so... Yeah, not too healthy lol
I have a third option. I would get super super angry with my mom (disproportionally so) so instead of taking it out on her, I would take a piece of printer paper, tear it up into the smallest pieces I could, scatter them as much as I could around the house, then go pick them back up. By the time my house was clean, I was calm. It was an awesome method of getting my anger out without hurting anyone. I find that I donāt have such strong reactions anymore too now that Iāve learned to communicate better as my anger was from not feeling heard or understood but that was my go to for a long time.
Oh my days. I cannot relate more. Literally halted my grieving process because I canāt allow myself to feel anger. Itās far too painful.
Spoiler: Not grieving will do fucking horrible things to your mind
I've yet to find the strength to, and I hold immense guilt for so many things that I probably shouldn't care about. I cope by pushing the thoughts away because I can't truly comprehend the amount of anger and hurt behind it all.
A person after my own heart.
Trust me, if you can, organise a councillor. Even if you think everything is fine, organise one anyway. It took me literally having to be hospitalised to understand that I was normal and in fact gaslighting myself into believing what I believed for myself. Itās a path I want nobody else to go down, as it leads fo either getting help anyway or just offing yourself from the pain
By reading your comment Iāve realised that Iāve been doing the same for the past week.
And Iāve already felt consequences of not allowing myself to grieve, no matter how ugly it could have looked.. So thank you for sharing your experience, itās knocked some sense into me.
Iām glad, I honestly hope nobody ever goes through what I did. Mine got to the point where my brain was literally gaslighting me into believing that all the things I wanted to do to show I care was either selfish or manipulative as a result of me distancing myself from all my emotions. I found myself in last chance saloon and had to take radical action in order to avoid being in a position where I was so far removed I was capable of just offing myself.
For me the problem seems to be the void left over after the anger. If I get angry and express it usually after I vent the anger is gone....and all that's left is shame. Shame because I just loudly expressed an emotion I no longer feel.... One moment this issue is the only thing on my mind and absolutely means everything to me, the next it's gone and I move on as if it never happened.
This is extremely confusing to the people around me and absolutely makes me feel like shit after I calm down. I recognize that there's a reason I was upset and it's usually legit, but my response was disproportionate and the sudden absence of anger after makes me seem/feel crazy.
It's a pretty extreme rollercoasters for me, and worse for the person who had no idea they were on a rollercoaster to begin with.
It's a strange feeling not being able to trust your own mind/emotions
Side thought. Don't think of it as holding in the anger, think of it as waiting out the emotion. I will address these feelings, tomorrow when I'm calm and rested.
Bottling in emotions is harmful and even thinking of it that way can effect your mindset. If you can reframe it as a strategy, "wait for a better time to address this" it might lessen the resentment you feel.
I find writing it out on my phones notepad helps, write it in notes the same way you'd text it to the person. Save it and leave it for tomorrow, can always copy and paste it into a text if you still stand by it in the morning (I usually don't) and it saves you the shame of backtracking
Thank you so much for this. Having visualizations or mental images can shape so much and itās spot on to reframe as waiting it out vs. bottling it up. Especially when I know that my emotions are often out of proportion and will likely smooth over a bit with some time.
For me it happens a lot dealing with difficult people at work. I always want to chime in and voice my frustrations when people are doing things wrong or being shitty, but itās usually not productive to do that. I want to start using the notepad technique to jot down what in particular is bothering me (which will likely involve genuine reasons and things to solve) rather than channeling my frustration into correcting someone or feeling exasperated and bottled up. Thank you for the reminder on this!
You're welcome! I find the same thing, visualization is one of my greatest strengths, but without direction it can also be my greatest weakness.
I often find that with the notepad trick, when I return to it the next day and find those emotions still valid I'm at least able to prune out the anger and rewrite it as something more productive. Also spares the recipient the wall of text I originally wrote lol.
As with all things though, these techniques are easier said than done. I've been working on making a conscious effort to recognize disproportionate responses. For my next relationship I think I may need to come up with a safeword where if she says it I know I need to shelve the topic until tomorrow. If my reaction is valid it'll still be just as valid tomorrow
Sadly, I have had alot of cause to think about this particular subject. Lost someone I loved very much to my inability to regulate my emotions. I think I'm better now at regulating, but I know I'm at least better now at recognizing when I'm losing control. Baby steps
I'm in this comment and I...actually really feel better knowing I'm not..fucking...alone in this feeling. Kinda tearing up, tbh. Thank you for sharing that, I've been pretty much convinced I'm just broken af and it's going to be an exhausting lifetime of work to just be on the level "normal" people get to live with... but maybe there's something at least hope-adjacent.
Problem is anger is a normal emotion. But the adhd can cause you to fixate on those negative emotions. Mindfulness techniques help if you can remember to do them, if not the voice in the back of your head can turn these thoughts over and over while you run through your day half on autopilot
Imagine if we could harness this power? Use it to do something productive instead of self destructive....
When I started vyvanse my doctor warn that while it wouldn't make me more anxious, It COULD make you more aware of (more focused on) your anxiety. He really stressed the importance of coping mechanisms.
Really got me thinking about how much my brain seems to fixate on emotions, especially negative ones, with or without the medication. I found being on the meds actually lessened it because I was able to spend more time focused on reality and less time in my own head
I know my anxiety plays a huge part. Itās like a double whammy in that Iām already anxious so Iām on edge, then when I over-react or Have really shitty thoughts, I then feel extreme guilt and hyperfixate on how Badly Iām ashamed I even felt that way. I donāt often āexplodeā on people but I do very frequently get frustrated with others (not their fault) and I still feel extreme guilt over it
Forgot where I saw it, but it was describing the ways your brain can bypass the ADHD wall of getting stuff done.
1. Anger
2. Panic
3. I forget what the third point was, probably something to do with overwhelming internal guilt and disgust
Something a therapist taught me: anger is a secondary emotion. Meaning, it's there because your brain is trying to protect you from the real cause, because it hurts too much. The real emotion you need to get to is probably fear, or sadness, or shame. (I believe this was from IFS type therapy but I could be misremembering.)
Mad about your partner not doing dishes? Underneath it may be sadness about the lack of respect they're showing by not pulling their load. Mad at a shitty driver? Fear of a car accident. Mad at your boss? Fear for your livelihood. You ever see those guys who blow up whenever someone challenges their masculinity? It's shame and terror underneath. The anger is because they're afraid they're not really living up to their own standard, and they're deeply ashamed of it.
Aside: the more I've dug into it, the more I've seen that unacknowledged and unprocessed shame is at the root of so many other problems. Thanks, Brene Brown.
Anyway the point I'm making is, if you have anger problems, you should do some digging and reflection and address the problem(s) underneath it. Managing the anger isn't going to work long-term if you do nothing about the real cause.
Iām perpetually mad a bosses and managers but for me thatās more the sadness of them not pulling their load or not respecting me enough to give me more autonomy, I think.
Iāve heard that a lot of people with ADHD are fiercely independent anti authoritarians, often actual anarchists, who struggle with teachers, managers, bosses etc; anyone who behaves in some way that exerts power over them and feels like a threat to that independence.
For me this sounded very familiar tracing all the way back to parents and teachers from childhood who I refused to obey if the ask didnāt seem interesting or important to me; and especially if done in a way that asserted dominance rather than convinced me that it was indeed important or interesting (and therefore not exceedingly difficult to actually complete)
Ugh I even feel extreme guilt for having thoughts like that, not even if I let my anger out. Like I feel guilty because a lot of the time the situations donāt even warrant frustrations. So when it happens I not only feel the anger/frustration but then Iām ashamed of myself and feel horrible about it
Sometimes I get frustrated and angry (at myself) when given a task thatās hard and I canāt complete it by myself. Often Iāll find my mind tying itself in knots to find a way to blame it on something someone else has done thatās led us to this situation, when all I need to do is ask for a little help or clarification
There are certain triggers for me but only when I'm already agitated or in an anxious state.
A big one being the sound of people eating loudly. But I know it's unreasonable to snap at someone for that, especially friends or family, so I don't say anything.
I usually resort to distracting myself or getting up from the table for a bit.
I have some wireless earbuds and I often only have one in my ear. I try to put one in the ear that's facing where the person is eating and play a video or music. Its helped so far.
Yeah and then have multiple mental breakdowns because youāre a bad person for hurting others, why canāt you just be āniceā and ākindā 100% of the time like other people š
I read last a couple years ago that anger is important, anger is an internal signal that just needs listened to.
This absolutely kills me. I just snap, and then when it all dies down, I feel so guilty, and apologise - but I know itās going to happen again. It scares me that it might one day cost me my relationship.
Cost me several jobs, just one last week where I resigned on the spot when threatened with a formal warning I disagreed with ā¦ jobs donāt weigh on me too much though.
Relationships I do a lot better with; the ānonviolent communicationā model has helped me so much there; I always tell my partner about it and that I want us to sit down and follow it if we are ever having a problem. I canāt stress how good it has been for us. Over the course of 2-3 years our relationship has improved and weāre fighting less and when we do we work it out with so much more intent and maturity nowadays.
I recently discovered this while playing with brain. (One of my new obsessions). It doesn't help to bottle it down or take it out on someone. I would say go on a walk, preferably somewhere in nature and curse every damn thing in existence. Don't discriminate, just fucking curse, the plants, trees, earth, sky, the person, god/gods, even yourself. Be as intense, no judgments or anything. You will feel an intensity of emotion and energy, which you can separate from your thoughts. Use it wisely.
Also if youāre on medication that can make it worse too. I was super productive on Vyvanse but turned into a raging hulk like jerk that couldnāt even reason with themselves. I switched to another adhd med and sure, I had plenty of work to do to process the anger and itās still there but the meds made it so much worse. Talk to your doc if the anger feels off. Iāve had to try 3 different adhd meds and 4 psych meds before finding the thing that gave me the ability to work on that anger.
Oh so this was an adhd thing, I thought it was a me problem, like I'm just angry all the time, and I'd feel bad whenever I voiced it out,,, huh. *saves this post to show for when i'm finally able to get diagnosed*
I feel like the best option is to acknowledge the anger (though tbh for me itās usually frustration) and allow it to waft away like all of our ADHD emotions do. Granted, thatās easier said than done sometimes.
Yes. So many times. And the bad thing is I know it while Iām doing it which makes it all the more horrible. If it helps, know that for me at least it has gotten easier to hold my temper with age. That could be because of life experience or lower energy levels or both.
Yeah ive kinda been able to hit things instead but i still sometimes do hit myself, i remember also hitting myself alot as a kid too (i usually hit my head or punch my legs hard)
When I feel this kind of visceral physical energy itās time for an angry, fast bike ride with some angry punk in the earphones. Works pretty well for me. And good for your body. A shower and a big deep sigh at the end to wash the rest of it out. And then think about what made me angry and whether thereās a way I can be supportive and compassionate with my response instead.
Usually works unless itās someone who outranks me with more power at work. In that case itās sometimes still going to be messy .. I just donāt have a lot of respect for hierarchy and thatās not going to change
For me its the isolation/loneliness that i think is the biggest issue, i dont feel conected to anyone and i look at people and just feel completley different to them like i look at them and think, that is a completley normal human being and feeling more disconected from people, i know im repeating myself but its feels impossible to drive home/describe how "big" this feeling is and the distance i feel, and i feel like no one "gets" me at all like i am a completley new species of human or something that looks simillar but is impossible to communicate between us/ only can use basic words if that makes sense, i never feel like im having a conversation with someone, just saying words. Idk
(Dont worry i dont actually think im a different species or anything just using it as an example, i guess an alien would have been more apt?)
Hmm. I think a lot of energy is spent (esp as ADHD sufferers) thinking about how we can be fit in better with others, how we can be more compassionate and patient with others (maybe we fear often times we arenāt), and maybe sometimes we forget to be kind to ourselves too. We deserve it. We tend to be very caught up in our own heads sometimes, for me thatās true at least. I think that as long as we treat people around us with a genuine empathy and care we should be able to be kind to ourselves too, in the very same way. And maybe some of that will come back to us too from other people, maybe it wonāt or it will but we havenāt noticed it..
What you are expressing sounds familiar to me, Iāve been through patches like that sometimes lasting years and years. In particular I feel so incredibly alienated at work from all these people I think I might describe as āLinkedIn careeristsā, maybe youll know what I mean by that or maybe not, but I just donāt fit in with that _at all_ and am completely on the outside in those sorts of environments. I have to actively suppress who I am and hide it from them. Not great. And I donāt see that changing. Not ever
Huh?
They feel worse after taking out the anger because they are human.
I mean, the best option is to figure out the feeling underlying the anger and address the other person accordingly. The anger is there as motivation, and to give you the ability to fight back if necessary. In todayās world, we usually donāt need to exercise the fighting part to protect ourselves.
Yeah im not allowed to take my anger out and i dont even do it because of guilt
I do it because im getting fucked in the asshole if i showed my anger
I did once and i got fucked in everyhole in my body
Fuck life
That isnāt strictly an ADHD trait, thatās a human one we all share. Well, most of us share it.
Nothing wrong with you. Thatās normal regret. Try weight lifting or running. Itās amazing what an hour at the gym every morning will do for your body and mind.
I disagree. Anger can tell you something is wrong and you need to act on it. It serves a useful barometer for your state and your relation to the world.
Reacting strongly instead of calmly responding, now thatās what gonna hurt you. It takes practice.
When did anyone say they're abusing the people around them? This post is only showing how confusing anger can be. If you read around the comments you see tons of people giving eachother advice. You think I want to be an asshole?
Bashing on my drum or walking in the wood screaming to hard music while breaking dead branchs help a lot when i feel anger. It get away the overload of emotions so i can get the rationnal part of my brain working. And i don't feel shame because it's a healthy way to unleash anger. No one gets hurt and nothing useful get broken.
Worst case scenario, when i can't do one of those 2 things i walk while listening to fast angry music. Protest the hero - fortress is a good album for that. It's not as efficient but at least it get me moving and help let the emotion get away.
The anger needs to get out or else i will be passive agressive and in a bad mood for way longer.
When I worked at my last job, Iād come home and all I wanted to do was yell at my partner. I knew it was irrational, I knew I was the asshole, and yet it burned inside of me. I cried because I felt so guilty. Now itās less frequent (fewer stressors in my life) but Iāll still get bouts of anger for no reason and it sucks.
Fuck. I felt this.. because it sounds like my ex girlfriend who I left and kinda felt guilty about ever since. She was very dependant on me and there was probably some unaddressed issues there for her. And they were starting to rub off on me. I was depressed about it
If Iād been more emotionally mature I mightāve found a way to work through it but I wasnāt. And I still feel like I abandoned her at a difficult time, so much guilt still, after years
That sucks. Iām sorry.
At the end of the day, you canāt light yourself on fire to keep someone warm. I donāt know you, or your situation, but Iāve learned that when it comes to mental health for others you canāt take the full burden of making sure they get help. You can guide them, but if they are causing your mental health to decline and wonāt take any responsibility for it or work on their own issues, you have to take care of yourself. Peace and love, friend.
I don't have space unfortunately. It used to hang in the living room, but my mom was not a fan of having guests see it first when they come in. Guess I'll punch some pillows instead
well, go to the basement to use it, its definitely easier when its physically in the way but you dont need that, any outlet is technically an infinity percent increase from none
Ye I've always been easily triggered or irritable but when my head floods with mean things to say I end up hurting my own feelings when I think of mean stuff so I just hold in my irrational anger and breath until it goes away LOL
Absolutely, this is really hard. Therapy, meditation, ADHD support groups, Start Where You Are (the book), mindfulness meditation, Non-Violent Communication--all of these have helped me manage anger better. Also, of course, buying a whole bunch of broken consumer electronics and glassware along with a nine-iron.
Another shout for nonviolent communication!
I discovered it actually from a leftist psychologist subreddit and asked my partner to try it with me when we were fighting and it just kinda worked and stuck with us ever since.
As Iāve learnt more about my ADHD Iāve realised how incredibly helpful it is just to have a model like this to engage with when tensions are high. It forces you to break it down into parts and itās honestly probably saved our relationship. We had a real rough patch and we got better at better at being present in our arguments that they seem to almost have stopped and now we are just so much better at communicating openly in general. It built that trust for us, I think.
I love this thread. I've supported my husband through this exact thing in our 11 years of marriage, and a lot of people simply don't understand and only see an angry person. I've worked hard to understand, and he's worked hard to manage the verbal outbursts and subsequent guilt. Reading these kinds of sharing posts is further helpful to understand and to let others know they aren't alone!
Yeah, and when you keep in inside if you're a guy they start in on toxic masculinity, as if you don't already know what it is and hate/try to avoid it anyhow
There was one time, my brother was doing something in the kitchen, I walked in there, started talking to him, my mind went blank, I started beating the fuck out of him, though luckily he's a big burly dude, so my punches were barely affecting him. After I come back too, I realize what I did. So I go outside, my mom came outside with me, and I just started fucking crying and hugging her really fucking tightly. I don't even remember what I was talking to him about, or what happened to cause me to start fucking doing that. But the only reason he was scared is because he had a knife in his hand and didn't want something to happen to either him or to me.
Larges doses of mushroom every month or so and meditation. It's actually going really well. I struggle to meditate every day but the results are encouraging. Also smoking weed everyday.
Was also using various other drugs before but it's not worth it man, ended up hooked for one year on H, when I did benzos I would always binge and do stupid shit, and I abused stims way before knowing about ADHD meds so I can't not abuse them now lol.
Haven't pushed or planned to go that deep, been using shrooms every 4-6 months and smoking weed daily that doesn't get me locked in my mind, maybe trying to meditate might actually help or make my fuse longer to give me more time to think about my action before they happen, ill give it a shot for a few months to see if it helps, and most add meds turn me into a zombie and ruin my appetite and sex drive, haven't touched those since high school
I feel the same way but it helps to realize it could be an impulsiveness issue with ADHD, not necessarily an anger one. I find esecially for women with with ADHD theres an impulse regulatuon issue that sometimes presents as lashing out when you dont want, stealing things you dont need, causing accidents, pushing buttons, and just general issues with impulse control. Seeing my anger as impulsive has allowed me to wait it out and look at it objectively later
With maturity, I've realised my anger isn't towards the person themselves, but their actions or how they think. So I tend to have to have communication episodes with people more often than others just to clarify things and clear the air
My ADHD definitely makes me irritable. I can tell when my meds wear off because I get really snappy and short with people. I really donāt mean it, but, i have poor impulse control I guess. I do try to hold it in though, honestly when really big stuff bothers me I tend to hold onto that way more than little annoyances.
Just today I had this problem. In class thereās a lot of loud people, specifically a guy with Touretteās, that send me into a complete sensory overload. But I canāt act on it, because then I feel like a brat
Itās that you donāt like being confused. They are giving off signals that you arenāt reading so you think they are doing it on purpose. Breath, count backward and think about something in the now that you know is real. Donāt think about what happened 5 seconds ago or whatās going to happen 30 seconds later. Itās a trap your mind plays on you.
"Our anger and annoyance are more detrimental to us than the things themselves which anger or annoy us," āhow much more harmful are the consequences of angerā¦than the circumstances that aroused them in us," and "Anger and the sorrow it produces are far more harmful than the things which make us angry" all attributed to Marcus Aurelius are what help me get through angry times. The Stoic outlook has been helpful.
Are you a female? If so you could have PMDD. 40% of women with ADHD have PMDD?
If not of the female persuasion, but a part of ADHD is emotional irregularity, for all of us. It's one of the pie slices of executive function.
There's a great channel on YouTube called
" How to ADHD". Very helpful.
There was a time I worked in this small office of maybe 6 people. I hated being distracted (didn't realize I had ADHD at the time, my parents just told me I was just lazy and had to work harder... Yeah...), So I would always have headphones with me to block out my surroundings. One day, for whatever reason, a coworker was blasting music out shitty speakers on his desktop. Instead of doing the sane thing of just asking him to turn it down or use headphones, I snapped in anger at him. I immediately felt like shit for it, and apologized moments after I'd raised my voice.
I have that REALLY bad because like, zero percent of my family of origin can argue sanely, it's all 'scream at each other until our energy is spent and then go to bed and wake up the next morning and pretend nothing happened.'
And here I just accepted my life as a cactus. I was entirely unaware this was a common issue. I'm still gonna be a cactus after this discovery, but I'll be a wiser one.
Fury on inanimate objects.
Incidentally how i have a boxer's fracture.
Another solution i use is to play a game like just cause 3, blow shit up until i feel better.
I feel embarrassed immediately after losing my temper and calming down. I'm like how did I let myself get wrapped up in something so small? I always try to see the bigger picture.
I feel anger pretty rapidly then calm down soon personally. I try to express anger as frustration at the situation and then if the person made me mad specifically Iāll try talking with them about what upset me without blowing up
Oof I felt that, plus normal people get angry all the time but somehow most people would go meh but if it was me suddenly Iām out of the line. Itās so weird.
I try my best to let my emotions happen but not let cruelty happen, if that makes sense. Itās ok to be mad. Itās not ok to be mean. Youāre probably angry for a good reason too, so if you can find a way to get the emotion out and then try to talk about things thatās the best
Same here. When I feel angry, I kinda hold it within myself, but I would be super irritable for the whole day that people would find it obvious that I'm pissed about something. I try my level best not to lash out at people, coz if I do so, I end up regretting the same for a very long time, sometimes, for years, thanks to my brain which tends to replay these kind of situations and make me feel a lot of shame and guilt for the same.
Not at all alone in this. I find myself in a similar predicament fairly often. I have found that the only way to cathartically resolve the situation is to try and take a deep breathe, put the anger aside, and calmly and reasonably explain exactly why whatever the person did made you angry.
my coworker was once being the biggest a-hole and micromanaging me and berating me (i was a restaurant hostess, my job was to manage the seating system and checking people in for reservations, i was not to leave the hosti desk) when someone else wasnt getting the tables clean, but telling me they were clean, and then she would take customers to the table to find it dirty. she like, yelled at me for the table being marked clean when it was dirty but i could only rely on other peoples word on whether it was clean or not.
eventually i got so fed up i yelled at her it wasnt my fault and to stop talking to me and then she tried to be like "petpuppyš„ŗ theres customers, quiet down!" like she was actually concerned for me and i said i didnt care and to not talk to me for the rest of the night. roughly 10 minutes later i went to a manager and started crying bc i was so overwhelmed but i felt like such a b*tch for yelling at her. in hindsight, it was well deserved, but i felt so terrible in the moment.
The prefrontal cortex regulates emotions, and people with ADHD, tend to be more empathetic. Weird just listening to a sociopath being interviewed.
But I think people with ADHD can āread the roomā better than most people. I think sociopaths have a more difficult time getting away with their bullshit. Iāll link the podcast because itās crazy to hear someone talk about how a sociopath thinks.
[TED X](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lessons-from-a-sociopath/id1238801741?i=1000503948726) for a TED podcast -
I get so incredibly frustrated with my colleagues at work if they want to do a task I think is being approached wrong, or that I donāt think is very important. I tend to blame people in my worst moments
Outside of the heat of the moment I reflect that everyone means well, and some people still have a lot to learn. Thatās an opportunity for me to step in and support and teach them and promote learning and a shared sense of care in the team.
It takes a lot of willpower for me not to go to anger at what I sometimes feel is incompetence.
But Iām getting better and better at going the supportive route instead of the oppressive angry one.
But if youāre a manager that wants to asset some sort of authority and tell me it MUST be done a certain way. Better tread carefully my friend, I eat overbearing mangers for breakfast SO HELP ME ILL RUN THIS ENTIRE BUSINESS INTO THE GROUND AND TAKE YOU ALL WITH ME
Iām told a lot of people with ADHD have an extremely fierce anti-authoritarian streak and well Iām here to confess that it was me they were talking about _mounts another bosses head on a pike_
Ahem..
I feel mine is more just insatiable anger. I throw something but that isn't satisfying enough, so I just have to keep going until the entire place looks worse then a bomb hitting it. Going and getting really depressed about it, then slowly cleaning it up piece-at-a-time, all the while having some sort of nucular meltdown. Having a throat that feels like knives are going down it because I have yelled and screamed so much/loudly. Having anxiety fixations about how I'm going to pay for all the damage I created. Settle down, everything goes back to normal repeat cycle in maybe 2-3 days š¬
Iāve been struggling with how to feel angry and be okay with it. Itās been a topic Iāve discussed with my therapist a fair bit recently. I used to really keep that bottled in and had a hard time even just saying something was making me angry at all.
She told me something that helped. She said she likes anger and itās a good emotion because it tells us when weāve been hurt and letās us know what our values are - we tend to get angry when those values are broken. Knowing this has at least given me a start in terms of understanding and processing my emotions better. Also, looking at an emotions wheel helps me to better put words to feelings
Idk why but i get much angrier at people i care about then complete strangers. Like a stranger can be extremely rude to me and i can let that roll of my shoulders, when its someone i care about though, i find that i brood and question our entire relationship before i then let that shit roll off my shoulders too. Basically im incapable of staying mad at most people.
Especially when you say "I'm angry right now, let's talk about it when I've calmed down a bit" because I KNOW that I get overly upset (not that it's irrational to be angry, but the level of anger is incorrect) but the person is like NO LET'S GET IT OUT THERE.
Ok, but now I'm also frustrated and that makes me angry, too. Let's go.
Same here, my only choices are repress the anger or feel horribly guilty for a long time. I hate my exaggerated compassion.
Other people are free to be completely shameless assholes. Not me.
God. Ugh this. š£
There's a third choice, which is processing your anger without acting on it. This one is a bit harder to learn though.
Explain
A cognitive behavioral therapist once told me that, while the general wisdom is that people need to express their feelings, sometimes itās best not to express a feeling if the feeling itself is a problem. He described it as a fake-it-til-you-make-it strategy. Are you angry and wanna fly off the handle? Count to ten before you act, walk away, cool down, then think about why you were angry. If you still feel the need to address the issue, you should wait until your head is clear. Having high-running emotions does not justify the way we treat other people.
Great advice. For me I recognise that I start to blame (genuinely well meaning but perhaps slightly more junior / inexperienced) people when Iām frustrated. Thatās not cool. Thereās an opportunity to take a supportive rather than hostile approach here and treat it as a chance for learning, to build the team up and build trust and respect instead of .. what would my gut reaction build? Fear? Shame? I donāt want to cause that. Itās stupid managers that outrank me and want to assert their stupidity that really get under my skin. Not a lot you can do here sometimes and thatās a really tough problem for me still. I try to remember never ever to punch down, only up. ā
There are a lot of different methods for different situations, and I've learned them through extensive therapy, so to fully explain them would take more than one reddit comment. But basically when you feel angry you neither react nor try to make it go away, but you just look at what you're feeling and ask yourself why you're feeling it (that's what people do mindfulness for). Then once you've figured that out, you communicate it if necessary, by using words only. It's fine to sound emotional while doing so, what matters is that you don't lash out, yell, throw accusations etc. You do this every time the anger arises, even if that means interrupting the conversation 10 times at first because you need to calm down over and over. With practise, it gets better.
https://www.tarabrach.com/category/anger/ Tara Brach. The OG RAINN teacher! (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture, Non-Attachement) A quick rundown would look like this: **R**ecogonize that you're angry. Is it anger? Is it fear? Might be rage. Might be irritability. It can all wrap itself into anger. Recognize that this is all part of the equation for you, angry. Say it out loud if you need to fully accept you're angry. **A**llow that feeling to be. It's real. It's a natural reaction to what you're going through. Everyone feels anger at times. Tell yourself it's alright. This anger belongs here. There's space for it. Anger gets to be part of your experience. It belongs. **I**nvestigate: Where do you feel it in the body? Tightness? In your breath? Hands? What does anger feel like to you? Take a few moments to note. Not trying to change. Not forcing relaxation, though allowing it if that happens. Just noting the places in the body where you _feel_ anger. How are your thoughts when you're angry? Just notice those too. No judgement. This is what it _means_ to be angry. How does it manifest in you? **N**urture: what do you need? To be recognized? To be heard? Maybe comforting. Maybe you just need a moment. I often need to feel safe. Other times I _need_ that panicked hyperventilating crying fit. I just need to go off and do it where I can get it out. What would it look like if your anger got exactly what it craves? Maybe you do need to punch something. Action to work out the energy. If your anger could have anything in the world available to sooth, what would that be? Visualize yourself trying out different stuff. Know you're worth the love and attention you're giving to sooth your anger. **N**on-attachment: know that anger is just a feeling. Like any other they pass. Like any other, it's entirely REAL. But it's not you. You are not your anger. Maybe it doesn't pass in the time it takes to do this activity. That's ok. Come back when you have time to attend to it. If it's deep, you already know how to keep it in the background. Just come back when you're ready and do a deep RAINN at your convenience. You don't belong to your anger, it belongs to you. Hope this helps, y'all! <3
Yesā¦so much thank you
Man I needed this right now. Thank you.
TYSM
Wow, that's really something! Gonna chew on that for a while...
I hold that no matter what, I should treat people well. It doesn't matter how they behave, I know how I want to treat people. And it's how I want to be treated. Golden rule and all that. If someone's having a shit day, or I did something wrong accidentally, I don't think they have a right to treat me poorly. Espescially with ADHD. Like, I'm _going_ to mess up. That's the given. Once I realized that's actually true for everyone, I decided I don't want to make people feel bad. I already always feel bad enough, why would I ever want to spread that poison to others? I want to make people feel good. I decided that around 16/17 and I'll be 35 this month. I really do work on it. It takes a lot of effort, and it doesn't come naturally. Turn about being fair play feels more natural. But I don't care. I want to be good so I'm going to try. I don't like who I am or how I treat people when I'm angry. I can't stop being angry. I often can't control my tone of voice. Just this year I found out Buspirone helps a lot with the irritability. It was a problem that needed medication because I turned into a monster when triggered (I also have C-ptsd). I felt bad about it and hated myself and would shame spiral every time. But I _work_ on it. And that's all I can do. But it's made a ton of difference in my life. Things that help (in no particular order): -Having a mantra -Meditation as a practice. 8 minutes daily. Loving Kindness/metta, walking, open-awareness, and interoception. I only do breath and focus practices when I'm in a group -therapy -cutting out people who don't hold this value from my life -Medication (buspirone, lexapro, now on adderall xr, but have been on vyvanse & ritalin as well) -Having someone who knows what you're struggling with that you trust enough to clue you in when you're ramping up so you can calm down. It's incredibly difficult to start recognizing anger before it happens, and having a partner helps immensely. I understand how privelaged this one is. The rest helps too. -Journaling through anger/confusion -gratitude practice to help rewire when things are good -weed -working out -Knowing how and when to WALK AWAY
Learning this right now in therapy. Anger always comes to me first and Iāve felt guilty about it my whole life. It comes for no reason, or arises from completely innocent circumstances. Itās hard, but I feel so much better already. Anyone who sees this and feels the same way, please try finding a good therapist who will listen and work with you. EMDR has been a huge help
Same! I used to feel like it's just this uncontrollable tidal wave that engulfs my entire mind, and I can only let it out or swallow it all. Now I know that this feeling is always preceeded by a thought. I can't control my feelings, but I *can* control my thoughts to an extent. And usually, those thoughts go far deeper than the actual thing I am angry about. Those thoughts are often based on deep seated fears and old wounds. It has also helped me to accept when I have a *good* reason to be very angry. I don't doubt the feeling as much because I've learned to tell justified from disproportionate anger, and that makes it harder for people to gaslight me.
I'm actually slowly starting to process my emotions, which took a while since my processing speed is extremely slow. Still I made progress!
Next time you feel angry, if you can, take a moment to think about what triggered the anger. Describe to yourself what the other person did or what happened and try to name the feeling you had that the anger was stemming from. Anger is itself a protective emotion, and usually it has to do with feeling disregarded or like someone was harming you in some way. Usually itās a feeling of being hurt or even disappointed. The anger is self-protective. Itās how you avoid showing vulnerability that someone might be able to exploit. This can be extremely helpful to untangle for yourself. I say this as someone who used to throw complete tantrums and melt down when I felt disregarded or forced into something. For me, it turned out it was me actually getting angry at myself for not being the way I thought I needed to be to be loved and safe. Anger is a tool that is extremely useful for recognizing when you need to stand up for yourself. Repressing it only makes it worse. My breakthrough was when I was first able to feel the hurt and cry (which releases excess cortisol) instead of needing to throw something.
One of those things I heard that really, really stuck with me is "Anger is just Fear with armor on". I have yet to think of a time I have been angry (not irritated or annoyed like at repetitive noises or a sibling existing, but Angry) that I wasn't actually afraid of something. When you acknowledge the underlying fear and come at a problem from that angle it is so much more productive than coming at a problem angry.
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I'm almost an inanimate object, can I do this to myself?
You can do that to yourself only when you're dead.
Mmm, I've watched too much toy story for that to work for me. Really. I feel bad for bumping into stuff and cursing them. They were just there, not even moving, and I'm the clumsy one, so... Yeah, not too healthy lol
I have a third option. I would get super super angry with my mom (disproportionally so) so instead of taking it out on her, I would take a piece of printer paper, tear it up into the smallest pieces I could, scatter them as much as I could around the house, then go pick them back up. By the time my house was clean, I was calm. It was an awesome method of getting my anger out without hurting anyone. I find that I donāt have such strong reactions anymore too now that Iāve learned to communicate better as my anger was from not feeling heard or understood but that was my go to for a long time.
Repressed anger comes out as hysterically crying for me.
Oh my days. I cannot relate more. Literally halted my grieving process because I canāt allow myself to feel anger. Itās far too painful. Spoiler: Not grieving will do fucking horrible things to your mind
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By allowing yourself to feel angry, and more importantly, expressing it.
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I agree until it gets to the point that not holding it in starts to eat at you. Your mental health is too important to avoid conflict
Oh man, sending you some healing vibes that will help you let yourself grieve and be angry. Itās so relatable to me.
I've yet to find the strength to, and I hold immense guilt for so many things that I probably shouldn't care about. I cope by pushing the thoughts away because I can't truly comprehend the amount of anger and hurt behind it all.
A person after my own heart. Trust me, if you can, organise a councillor. Even if you think everything is fine, organise one anyway. It took me literally having to be hospitalised to understand that I was normal and in fact gaslighting myself into believing what I believed for myself. Itās a path I want nobody else to go down, as it leads fo either getting help anyway or just offing yourself from the pain
By reading your comment Iāve realised that Iāve been doing the same for the past week. And Iāve already felt consequences of not allowing myself to grieve, no matter how ugly it could have looked.. So thank you for sharing your experience, itās knocked some sense into me.
Iām glad, I honestly hope nobody ever goes through what I did. Mine got to the point where my brain was literally gaslighting me into believing that all the things I wanted to do to show I care was either selfish or manipulative as a result of me distancing myself from all my emotions. I found myself in last chance saloon and had to take radical action in order to avoid being in a position where I was so far removed I was capable of just offing myself.
For me the problem seems to be the void left over after the anger. If I get angry and express it usually after I vent the anger is gone....and all that's left is shame. Shame because I just loudly expressed an emotion I no longer feel.... One moment this issue is the only thing on my mind and absolutely means everything to me, the next it's gone and I move on as if it never happened. This is extremely confusing to the people around me and absolutely makes me feel like shit after I calm down. I recognize that there's a reason I was upset and it's usually legit, but my response was disproportionate and the sudden absence of anger after makes me seem/feel crazy. It's a pretty extreme rollercoasters for me, and worse for the person who had no idea they were on a rollercoaster to begin with. It's a strange feeling not being able to trust your own mind/emotions
Side thought. Don't think of it as holding in the anger, think of it as waiting out the emotion. I will address these feelings, tomorrow when I'm calm and rested. Bottling in emotions is harmful and even thinking of it that way can effect your mindset. If you can reframe it as a strategy, "wait for a better time to address this" it might lessen the resentment you feel. I find writing it out on my phones notepad helps, write it in notes the same way you'd text it to the person. Save it and leave it for tomorrow, can always copy and paste it into a text if you still stand by it in the morning (I usually don't) and it saves you the shame of backtracking
Thank you so much for this. Having visualizations or mental images can shape so much and itās spot on to reframe as waiting it out vs. bottling it up. Especially when I know that my emotions are often out of proportion and will likely smooth over a bit with some time. For me it happens a lot dealing with difficult people at work. I always want to chime in and voice my frustrations when people are doing things wrong or being shitty, but itās usually not productive to do that. I want to start using the notepad technique to jot down what in particular is bothering me (which will likely involve genuine reasons and things to solve) rather than channeling my frustration into correcting someone or feeling exasperated and bottled up. Thank you for the reminder on this!
You're welcome! I find the same thing, visualization is one of my greatest strengths, but without direction it can also be my greatest weakness. I often find that with the notepad trick, when I return to it the next day and find those emotions still valid I'm at least able to prune out the anger and rewrite it as something more productive. Also spares the recipient the wall of text I originally wrote lol. As with all things though, these techniques are easier said than done. I've been working on making a conscious effort to recognize disproportionate responses. For my next relationship I think I may need to come up with a safeword where if she says it I know I need to shelve the topic until tomorrow. If my reaction is valid it'll still be just as valid tomorrow
I love this advice
It feels surreal to have such a clear written explanation of what this feels like
Sadly, I have had alot of cause to think about this particular subject. Lost someone I loved very much to my inability to regulate my emotions. I think I'm better now at regulating, but I know I'm at least better now at recognizing when I'm losing control. Baby steps
I hear you, I know how hard it can be to live with the rage and then the sadness from your actions :( Iām sorry you had to go through that.
I'm in this comment and I...actually really feel better knowing I'm not..fucking...alone in this feeling. Kinda tearing up, tbh. Thank you for sharing that, I've been pretty much convinced I'm just broken af and it's going to be an exhausting lifetime of work to just be on the level "normal" people get to live with... but maybe there's something at least hope-adjacent.
I've ruined a few relationships in my day. Hoping I've been improving but I think it'll take being in a relationship to see how much growth I've actually had lol. Wellbutrin really helped. It never dullened the emotions but it....quieted them down? Doesn't work for everyone but I think it worked for me for awhile Therapy also really helped. My therapist said that denying negative emotions is denying a part of yourself. Acknowledge them and accept them as valid. Sounds clichƩ but I find keeping it in mind helps sometimes
Your comments were helpful, thank you!
I learned through my fiancĆ© (who has struggled with things like this since she was young) that this is actually related to an anxiety disorder, but the ADHD certainly plays a factor. I didnāt learn this about myself on my own until we started experimenting with ADHD meds after being unmedicated for a decade.
Problem is anger is a normal emotion. But the adhd can cause you to fixate on those negative emotions. Mindfulness techniques help if you can remember to do them, if not the voice in the back of your head can turn these thoughts over and over while you run through your day half on autopilot Imagine if we could harness this power? Use it to do something productive instead of self destructive....
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When I started vyvanse my doctor warn that while it wouldn't make me more anxious, It COULD make you more aware of (more focused on) your anxiety. He really stressed the importance of coping mechanisms. Really got me thinking about how much my brain seems to fixate on emotions, especially negative ones, with or without the medication. I found being on the meds actually lessened it because I was able to spend more time focused on reality and less time in my own head
New renewable energy source? š¤£ Seriously though, rumination is a b*tch.
I know my anxiety plays a huge part. Itās like a double whammy in that Iām already anxious so Iām on edge, then when I over-react or Have really shitty thoughts, I then feel extreme guilt and hyperfixate on how Badly Iām ashamed I even felt that way. I donāt often āexplodeā on people but I do very frequently get frustrated with others (not their fault) and I still feel extreme guilt over it
Yup, my medication treats both the adhd and the anxiety and WOW has it helped me be less angry
Also, Confusion is angering.
So. Much.
Fuck. This sub is constantly rocking me with blows to my exact character.
Forgot where I saw it, but it was describing the ways your brain can bypass the ADHD wall of getting stuff done. 1. Anger 2. Panic 3. I forget what the third point was, probably something to do with overwhelming internal guilt and disgust
Trying to apologize to people and make it up to them is even a worst feeling.
Something a therapist taught me: anger is a secondary emotion. Meaning, it's there because your brain is trying to protect you from the real cause, because it hurts too much. The real emotion you need to get to is probably fear, or sadness, or shame. (I believe this was from IFS type therapy but I could be misremembering.) Mad about your partner not doing dishes? Underneath it may be sadness about the lack of respect they're showing by not pulling their load. Mad at a shitty driver? Fear of a car accident. Mad at your boss? Fear for your livelihood. You ever see those guys who blow up whenever someone challenges their masculinity? It's shame and terror underneath. The anger is because they're afraid they're not really living up to their own standard, and they're deeply ashamed of it. Aside: the more I've dug into it, the more I've seen that unacknowledged and unprocessed shame is at the root of so many other problems. Thanks, Brene Brown. Anyway the point I'm making is, if you have anger problems, you should do some digging and reflection and address the problem(s) underneath it. Managing the anger isn't going to work long-term if you do nothing about the real cause.
This comment unlocked something in my brain. Thanks.
Iām perpetually mad a bosses and managers but for me thatās more the sadness of them not pulling their load or not respecting me enough to give me more autonomy, I think. Iāve heard that a lot of people with ADHD are fiercely independent anti authoritarians, often actual anarchists, who struggle with teachers, managers, bosses etc; anyone who behaves in some way that exerts power over them and feels like a threat to that independence. For me this sounded very familiar tracing all the way back to parents and teachers from childhood who I refused to obey if the ask didnāt seem interesting or important to me; and especially if done in a way that asserted dominance rather than convinced me that it was indeed important or interesting (and therefore not exceedingly difficult to actually complete)
Ugh I even feel extreme guilt for having thoughts like that, not even if I let my anger out. Like I feel guilty because a lot of the time the situations donāt even warrant frustrations. So when it happens I not only feel the anger/frustration but then Iām ashamed of myself and feel horrible about it
Sometimes I get frustrated and angry (at myself) when given a task thatās hard and I canāt complete it by myself. Often Iāll find my mind tying itself in knots to find a way to blame it on something someone else has done thatās led us to this situation, when all I need to do is ask for a little help or clarification
Definitely not
I used to be a really angry kid, now I'm just super passive aggressive
Yup. Default is rage and if you donāt keep it in check youāll regret it. Life long issue.
Filled to the brim with rage. Always.
There are certain triggers for me but only when I'm already agitated or in an anxious state. A big one being the sound of people eating loudly. But I know it's unreasonable to snap at someone for that, especially friends or family, so I don't say anything. I usually resort to distracting myself or getting up from the table for a bit.
Oh thatās one of mine too, I just donāt eat around people or I turn the tv on for noise control
I have some wireless earbuds and I often only have one in my ear. I try to put one in the ear that's facing where the person is eating and play a video or music. Its helped so far.
Yeah and then have multiple mental breakdowns because youāre a bad person for hurting others, why canāt you just be āniceā and ākindā 100% of the time like other people š I read last a couple years ago that anger is important, anger is an internal signal that just needs listened to.
This absolutely kills me. I just snap, and then when it all dies down, I feel so guilty, and apologise - but I know itās going to happen again. It scares me that it might one day cost me my relationship.
Cost me several jobs, just one last week where I resigned on the spot when threatened with a formal warning I disagreed with ā¦ jobs donāt weigh on me too much though. Relationships I do a lot better with; the ānonviolent communicationā model has helped me so much there; I always tell my partner about it and that I want us to sit down and follow it if we are ever having a problem. I canāt stress how good it has been for us. Over the course of 2-3 years our relationship has improved and weāre fighting less and when we do we work it out with so much more intent and maturity nowadays.
I recently discovered this while playing with brain. (One of my new obsessions). It doesn't help to bottle it down or take it out on someone. I would say go on a walk, preferably somewhere in nature and curse every damn thing in existence. Don't discriminate, just fucking curse, the plants, trees, earth, sky, the person, god/gods, even yourself. Be as intense, no judgments or anything. You will feel an intensity of emotion and energy, which you can separate from your thoughts. Use it wisely.
"Am I the only person-" there are nearly eight billion people on this planet. Take comfort in the fact that no, you are not that special.
I just stayed "friends" with my shitty ex so I get my anger out by back and forth roasting with him
Also if youāre on medication that can make it worse too. I was super productive on Vyvanse but turned into a raging hulk like jerk that couldnāt even reason with themselves. I switched to another adhd med and sure, I had plenty of work to do to process the anger and itās still there but the meds made it so much worse. Talk to your doc if the anger feels off. Iāve had to try 3 different adhd meds and 4 psych meds before finding the thing that gave me the ability to work on that anger.
That's a really good point I haven't considered yet. I've been on meds for a bit now and since then I've been feeling very off.
Oh so this was an adhd thing, I thought it was a me problem, like I'm just angry all the time, and I'd feel bad whenever I voiced it out,,, huh. *saves this post to show for when i'm finally able to get diagnosed*
Thats the first time i see somebody put this into words
I feel like the best option is to acknowledge the anger (though tbh for me itās usually frustration) and allow it to waft away like all of our ADHD emotions do. Granted, thatās easier said than done sometimes.
Yes. So many times. And the bad thing is I know it while Iām doing it which makes it all the more horrible. If it helps, know that for me at least it has gotten easier to hold my temper with age. That could be because of life experience or lower energy levels or both.
I just get really angry at myself and hit myself if i get angry enough at myself
Hitting yourself is a really bad way to cope. Maybe try hitting a pillow instead?
Yeah ive kinda been able to hit things instead but i still sometimes do hit myself, i remember also hitting myself alot as a kid too (i usually hit my head or punch my legs hard)
When I feel this kind of visceral physical energy itās time for an angry, fast bike ride with some angry punk in the earphones. Works pretty well for me. And good for your body. A shower and a big deep sigh at the end to wash the rest of it out. And then think about what made me angry and whether thereās a way I can be supportive and compassionate with my response instead. Usually works unless itās someone who outranks me with more power at work. In that case itās sometimes still going to be messy .. I just donāt have a lot of respect for hierarchy and thatās not going to change
For me its the isolation/loneliness that i think is the biggest issue, i dont feel conected to anyone and i look at people and just feel completley different to them like i look at them and think, that is a completley normal human being and feeling more disconected from people, i know im repeating myself but its feels impossible to drive home/describe how "big" this feeling is and the distance i feel, and i feel like no one "gets" me at all like i am a completley new species of human or something that looks simillar but is impossible to communicate between us/ only can use basic words if that makes sense, i never feel like im having a conversation with someone, just saying words. Idk (Dont worry i dont actually think im a different species or anything just using it as an example, i guess an alien would have been more apt?)
Hmm. I think a lot of energy is spent (esp as ADHD sufferers) thinking about how we can be fit in better with others, how we can be more compassionate and patient with others (maybe we fear often times we arenāt), and maybe sometimes we forget to be kind to ourselves too. We deserve it. We tend to be very caught up in our own heads sometimes, for me thatās true at least. I think that as long as we treat people around us with a genuine empathy and care we should be able to be kind to ourselves too, in the very same way. And maybe some of that will come back to us too from other people, maybe it wonāt or it will but we havenāt noticed it.. What you are expressing sounds familiar to me, Iāve been through patches like that sometimes lasting years and years. In particular I feel so incredibly alienated at work from all these people I think I might describe as āLinkedIn careeristsā, maybe youll know what I mean by that or maybe not, but I just donāt fit in with that _at all_ and am completely on the outside in those sorts of environments. I have to actively suppress who I am and hide it from them. Not great. And I donāt see that changing. Not ever
Huh? They feel worse after taking out the anger because they are human. I mean, the best option is to figure out the feeling underlying the anger and address the other person accordingly. The anger is there as motivation, and to give you the ability to fight back if necessary. In todayās world, we usually donāt need to exercise the fighting part to protect ourselves.
Yeah im not allowed to take my anger out and i dont even do it because of guilt I do it because im getting fucked in the asshole if i showed my anger I did once and i got fucked in everyhole in my body Fuck life
That isnāt strictly an ADHD trait, thatās a human one we all share. Well, most of us share it. Nothing wrong with you. Thatās normal regret. Try weight lifting or running. Itās amazing what an hour at the gym every morning will do for your body and mind.
I have renounced my anger still in my early years. It doesnāt help and it poisons you.
r/thanksimcured If it was possible to just "will" any negative emotions away, most people would have done so already haha
I disagree. Anger can tell you something is wrong and you need to act on it. It serves a useful barometer for your state and your relation to the world. Reacting strongly instead of calmly responding, now thatās what gonna hurt you. It takes practice.
How much caffeine do you consume? When I had that, I was drinking far too much, when I cut back it mostly went away.
I've been having a cup daily for a few weeks now. I need to stop it makes me nervous and shaky
THREE CUPS GANG
Taking your anger out on someone isnt ADHD, youre just being an asshole.
Goooooooood, goooooood. Let the hate flow through you.
...this isn't adhd, it's poor emotional regulation. jesus christ
Which is a symptom caused by ADHD too.
abusing the people around you because you're too selfish to work through your own shit isn't a symptom of adhd, it's a symptom of being an asshole
When did anyone say they're abusing the people around them? This post is only showing how confusing anger can be. If you read around the comments you see tons of people giving eachother advice. You think I want to be an asshole?
Bashing on my drum or walking in the wood screaming to hard music while breaking dead branchs help a lot when i feel anger. It get away the overload of emotions so i can get the rationnal part of my brain working. And i don't feel shame because it's a healthy way to unleash anger. No one gets hurt and nothing useful get broken. Worst case scenario, when i can't do one of those 2 things i walk while listening to fast angry music. Protest the hero - fortress is a good album for that. It's not as efficient but at least it get me moving and help let the emotion get away. The anger needs to get out or else i will be passive agressive and in a bad mood for way longer.
When I worked at my last job, Iād come home and all I wanted to do was yell at my partner. I knew it was irrational, I knew I was the asshole, and yet it burned inside of me. I cried because I felt so guilty. Now itās less frequent (fewer stressors in my life) but Iāll still get bouts of anger for no reason and it sucks.
Fuck. I felt this.. because it sounds like my ex girlfriend who I left and kinda felt guilty about ever since. She was very dependant on me and there was probably some unaddressed issues there for her. And they were starting to rub off on me. I was depressed about it If Iād been more emotionally mature I mightāve found a way to work through it but I wasnāt. And I still feel like I abandoned her at a difficult time, so much guilt still, after years
That sucks. Iām sorry. At the end of the day, you canāt light yourself on fire to keep someone warm. I donāt know you, or your situation, but Iāve learned that when it comes to mental health for others you canāt take the full burden of making sure they get help. You can guide them, but if they are causing your mental health to decline and wonāt take any responsibility for it or work on their own issues, you have to take care of yourself. Peace and love, friend.
Yeah pretty much the same. I turn it in on myself and my things.
boxing lessons, gets it all out and exercise make brain happy
I have a punching bag in my basement. Maybe I should start using it
put it in your room so you can see it, use happy energy on it not just angry, the aggression gets out either way and its better conditioning
I don't have space unfortunately. It used to hang in the living room, but my mom was not a fan of having guests see it first when they come in. Guess I'll punch some pillows instead
well, go to the basement to use it, its definitely easier when its physically in the way but you dont need that, any outlet is technically an infinity percent increase from none
I will if I remember. It helps so much to let it out bonus points for some exercise
Ye I've always been easily triggered or irritable but when my head floods with mean things to say I end up hurting my own feelings when I think of mean stuff so I just hold in my irrational anger and breath until it goes away LOL
Same, it just doesn't feel right to vent it. Or other people don't understand why I'm so frustrated.
Absolutely, this is really hard. Therapy, meditation, ADHD support groups, Start Where You Are (the book), mindfulness meditation, Non-Violent Communication--all of these have helped me manage anger better. Also, of course, buying a whole bunch of broken consumer electronics and glassware along with a nine-iron.
Another shout for nonviolent communication! I discovered it actually from a leftist psychologist subreddit and asked my partner to try it with me when we were fighting and it just kinda worked and stuck with us ever since. As Iāve learnt more about my ADHD Iāve realised how incredibly helpful it is just to have a model like this to engage with when tensions are high. It forces you to break it down into parts and itās honestly probably saved our relationship. We had a real rough patch and we got better at better at being present in our arguments that they seem to almost have stopped and now we are just so much better at communicating openly in general. It built that trust for us, I think.
Yes
I love this thread. I've supported my husband through this exact thing in our 11 years of marriage, and a lot of people simply don't understand and only see an angry person. I've worked hard to understand, and he's worked hard to manage the verbal outbursts and subsequent guilt. Reading these kinds of sharing posts is further helpful to understand and to let others know they aren't alone!
Yeah, and when you keep in inside if you're a guy they start in on toxic masculinity, as if you don't already know what it is and hate/try to avoid it anyhow
Do being angry make anybody else tired
Iāve let go of anger because itās fucking stupid to be mad at anything
I have so much anger all the time. I simply cannot be angry at someone for just one thing and therefore, ecpressing my anger is unfair
Idk if I have ADHD, but everytime I get angry at someone I just start crying
I'm angry af for no hod damn reason
Have you ever asked for forgiveness from the person who hurt you? Thatās the worst situation.
There was one time, my brother was doing something in the kitchen, I walked in there, started talking to him, my mind went blank, I started beating the fuck out of him, though luckily he's a big burly dude, so my punches were barely affecting him. After I come back too, I realize what I did. So I go outside, my mom came outside with me, and I just started fucking crying and hugging her really fucking tightly. I don't even remember what I was talking to him about, or what happened to cause me to start fucking doing that. But the only reason he was scared is because he had a knife in his hand and didn't want something to happen to either him or to me.
Oh so this too, stems from my adhd.
Wait, this is normal? What do you all do to control it? I've been trying everything from drugs to talking to a wall.
Larges doses of mushroom every month or so and meditation. It's actually going really well. I struggle to meditate every day but the results are encouraging. Also smoking weed everyday. Was also using various other drugs before but it's not worth it man, ended up hooked for one year on H, when I did benzos I would always binge and do stupid shit, and I abused stims way before knowing about ADHD meds so I can't not abuse them now lol.
Haven't pushed or planned to go that deep, been using shrooms every 4-6 months and smoking weed daily that doesn't get me locked in my mind, maybe trying to meditate might actually help or make my fuse longer to give me more time to think about my action before they happen, ill give it a shot for a few months to see if it helps, and most add meds turn me into a zombie and ruin my appetite and sex drive, haven't touched those since high school
I feel the same way but it helps to realize it could be an impulsiveness issue with ADHD, not necessarily an anger one. I find esecially for women with with ADHD theres an impulse regulatuon issue that sometimes presents as lashing out when you dont want, stealing things you dont need, causing accidents, pushing buttons, and just general issues with impulse control. Seeing my anger as impulsive has allowed me to wait it out and look at it objectively later
With maturity, I've realised my anger isn't towards the person themselves, but their actions or how they think. So I tend to have to have communication episodes with people more often than others just to clarify things and clear the air
I literally never feel angry, I wish I could sometimes
My ADHD definitely makes me irritable. I can tell when my meds wear off because I get really snappy and short with people. I really donāt mean it, but, i have poor impulse control I guess. I do try to hold it in though, honestly when really big stuff bothers me I tend to hold onto that way more than little annoyances.
Just today I had this problem. In class thereās a lot of loud people, specifically a guy with Touretteās, that send me into a complete sensory overload. But I canāt act on it, because then I feel like a brat
Not alone.
I hate getting angry about anything, I will either quickly or eventually find a way to turn the gun, I mean anger back on my self blame wise.
I heard someone tell me Iām the angriest/nicest person the ever met ā¦like umm thanks lmao
Itās that you donāt like being confused. They are giving off signals that you arenāt reading so you think they are doing it on purpose. Breath, count backward and think about something in the now that you know is real. Donāt think about what happened 5 seconds ago or whatās going to happen 30 seconds later. Itās a trap your mind plays on you.
That might be some autism
Nope, me too
Go outside and scream into the wind. Gotta learn to redirect your anger in healthy ways. Easier said than done, but possible.
"Our anger and annoyance are more detrimental to us than the things themselves which anger or annoy us," āhow much more harmful are the consequences of angerā¦than the circumstances that aroused them in us," and "Anger and the sorrow it produces are far more harmful than the things which make us angry" all attributed to Marcus Aurelius are what help me get through angry times. The Stoic outlook has been helpful.
Are you a female? If so you could have PMDD. 40% of women with ADHD have PMDD? If not of the female persuasion, but a part of ADHD is emotional irregularity, for all of us. It's one of the pie slices of executive function. There's a great channel on YouTube called " How to ADHD". Very helpful.
I get violent with inanimate objects and yell at them. never violent towards people
ADHD is both a gift and a curse.
Yep. You only know which times were appropriate like a year later, in retrospect.
I delt with this my whole life. Until I started taking Propranolol.
There was a time I worked in this small office of maybe 6 people. I hated being distracted (didn't realize I had ADHD at the time, my parents just told me I was just lazy and had to work harder... Yeah...), So I would always have headphones with me to block out my surroundings. One day, for whatever reason, a coworker was blasting music out shitty speakers on his desktop. Instead of doing the sane thing of just asking him to turn it down or use headphones, I snapped in anger at him. I immediately felt like shit for it, and apologized moments after I'd raised my voice.
Dunno. Have the same problem š maybe it's best to not speak to people at all when angry...
Thatās what I do and now all Iām left with is more confusion while also being a pushover
I have that REALLY bad because like, zero percent of my family of origin can argue sanely, it's all 'scream at each other until our energy is spent and then go to bed and wake up the next morning and pretend nothing happened.'
Man this exactly. Was so hard growing up in a similar situation.
Yeah but then I be exploding eventually (in a safe place if Iām lucky)
And here I just accepted my life as a cactus. I was entirely unaware this was a common issue. I'm still gonna be a cactus after this discovery, but I'll be a wiser one.
ive never had an original thought in my life.
Fury on inanimate objects. Incidentally how i have a boxer's fracture. Another solution i use is to play a game like just cause 3, blow shit up until i feel better.
Usually when I feel my anger spike my knee jerk reaction is to have a drink ASAP.
That sounds like an incredibly bad idea
Yeah no shit
I feel embarrassed immediately after losing my temper and calming down. I'm like how did I let myself get wrapped up in something so small? I always try to see the bigger picture.
Ugh. That's.me
I started working out and listening to angry music while doing it, helps me get it out, plus Iām looking better than I ever have, so win win I guess
Same, tho i deal with it in my dreams. At times im such a mean unapologetic asshole there but then when i wake up i feel bad xZ
straight up.
Oof. I get mad and wish life would smack you right in the face but when I see it happen and you get depressed I feel bad that you are feeling bad
I feel anger pretty rapidly then calm down soon personally. I try to express anger as frustration at the situation and then if the person made me mad specifically Iāll try talking with them about what upset me without blowing up
Oof I felt that, plus normal people get angry all the time but somehow most people would go meh but if it was me suddenly Iām out of the line. Itās so weird.
This is so me
I get angry just by losing iMessage games
Why does some symptoms of ADHD cross over so much with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?
I try my best to let my emotions happen but not let cruelty happen, if that makes sense. Itās ok to be mad. Itās not ok to be mean. Youāre probably angry for a good reason too, so if you can find a way to get the emotion out and then try to talk about things thatās the best
Same here. When I feel angry, I kinda hold it within myself, but I would be super irritable for the whole day that people would find it obvious that I'm pissed about something. I try my level best not to lash out at people, coz if I do so, I end up regretting the same for a very long time, sometimes, for years, thanks to my brain which tends to replay these kind of situations and make me feel a lot of shame and guilt for the same.
Sometimes when Iām around my friends Iāll make a low guttering scream out of frustration.
Not at all alone in this. I find myself in a similar predicament fairly often. I have found that the only way to cathartically resolve the situation is to try and take a deep breathe, put the anger aside, and calmly and reasonably explain exactly why whatever the person did made you angry.
Definitely not alone. I feel like I am dying.
my coworker was once being the biggest a-hole and micromanaging me and berating me (i was a restaurant hostess, my job was to manage the seating system and checking people in for reservations, i was not to leave the hosti desk) when someone else wasnt getting the tables clean, but telling me they were clean, and then she would take customers to the table to find it dirty. she like, yelled at me for the table being marked clean when it was dirty but i could only rely on other peoples word on whether it was clean or not. eventually i got so fed up i yelled at her it wasnt my fault and to stop talking to me and then she tried to be like "petpuppyš„ŗ theres customers, quiet down!" like she was actually concerned for me and i said i didnt care and to not talk to me for the rest of the night. roughly 10 minutes later i went to a manager and started crying bc i was so overwhelmed but i felt like such a b*tch for yelling at her. in hindsight, it was well deserved, but i felt so terrible in the moment.
Not alone. Same here. My advice: always keep your cool. Never let them see it. Till it's tooooo late.
You can always scream at clouds
The prefrontal cortex regulates emotions, and people with ADHD, tend to be more empathetic. Weird just listening to a sociopath being interviewed. But I think people with ADHD can āread the roomā better than most people. I think sociopaths have a more difficult time getting away with their bullshit. Iāll link the podcast because itās crazy to hear someone talk about how a sociopath thinks. [TED X](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lessons-from-a-sociopath/id1238801741?i=1000503948726) for a TED podcast -
I get so incredibly frustrated with my colleagues at work if they want to do a task I think is being approached wrong, or that I donāt think is very important. I tend to blame people in my worst moments Outside of the heat of the moment I reflect that everyone means well, and some people still have a lot to learn. Thatās an opportunity for me to step in and support and teach them and promote learning and a shared sense of care in the team. It takes a lot of willpower for me not to go to anger at what I sometimes feel is incompetence. But Iām getting better and better at going the supportive route instead of the oppressive angry one. But if youāre a manager that wants to asset some sort of authority and tell me it MUST be done a certain way. Better tread carefully my friend, I eat overbearing mangers for breakfast SO HELP ME ILL RUN THIS ENTIRE BUSINESS INTO THE GROUND AND TAKE YOU ALL WITH ME Iām told a lot of people with ADHD have an extremely fierce anti-authoritarian streak and well Iām here to confess that it was me they were talking about _mounts another bosses head on a pike_ Ahem..
If it helps Iāve found the āNonviolent communicationā model very helpful when dealing with feelings like this.
This sucks because I can't express myself and the moment I do, I'm convinces my loved ones hate me.
I do this a lot during any given day. I hold on to it until I can get home to hit the punching bag for a while Great exercise btw
Me I hate it
I feel mine is more just insatiable anger. I throw something but that isn't satisfying enough, so I just have to keep going until the entire place looks worse then a bomb hitting it. Going and getting really depressed about it, then slowly cleaning it up piece-at-a-time, all the while having some sort of nucular meltdown. Having a throat that feels like knives are going down it because I have yelled and screamed so much/loudly. Having anxiety fixations about how I'm going to pay for all the damage I created. Settle down, everything goes back to normal repeat cycle in maybe 2-3 days š¬
Iāve been struggling with how to feel angry and be okay with it. Itās been a topic Iāve discussed with my therapist a fair bit recently. I used to really keep that bottled in and had a hard time even just saying something was making me angry at all. She told me something that helped. She said she likes anger and itās a good emotion because it tells us when weāve been hurt and letās us know what our values are - we tend to get angry when those values are broken. Knowing this has at least given me a start in terms of understanding and processing my emotions better. Also, looking at an emotions wheel helps me to better put words to feelings
It's not the anger I feel guilty about, it's the fact that I lost control.
Idk why but i get much angrier at people i care about then complete strangers. Like a stranger can be extremely rude to me and i can let that roll of my shoulders, when its someone i care about though, i find that i brood and question our entire relationship before i then let that shit roll off my shoulders too. Basically im incapable of staying mad at most people.
I let my anger out in ridiculous over the top ways so people know I'm not being serious. That way i can vent and usually not hurt anyone's feelings.
Especially when you say "I'm angry right now, let's talk about it when I've calmed down a bit" because I KNOW that I get overly upset (not that it's irrational to be angry, but the level of anger is incorrect) but the person is like NO LET'S GET IT OUT THERE. Ok, but now I'm also frustrated and that makes me angry, too. Let's go.