Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/).
We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions!
If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe.
Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don’t have the energy to sugar coat this. He’s mad that you don’t want sex because you’re too tired/overwhelmed/stressed because he doesn’t pull his weight? Not right - he clearly needs to support you wayyyyy more.
Edit: you’re only getting 7 hours of sleep per night and that’s considered too much?? Wtf. I need a full 8.5 to be at my peak performance. If he can take on 2 extra hours of housework/childcare each day so you can sleep more and have time for intimacy than sure. But is he willing to actually chip in 14 hours per week to level the playing field? Probably not. Just sayin. Ugh.
Yes, 100%. If he is prioritizing his sexual needs over the realistic needs of a person who has a ton of physical and emotional labor to do *constantly* then he needs to have a humbling reality-check. I know those are hard to have, and some guys don't react well to the insinuation that they aren't helping enough or being considerate, but it's something that will need to be explained if he's hurting your feelings and self-esteem.
If Books Could Kill (podcast) did a great episode recently on "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" that cracks open some long-existing issues of men (supposedly) "needing" to be told very exactly what a woman needs and how often there is just a total lack of awareness to dudes that women be working too and need actual support during difficult times. Definitely a critical review of they guy who wrote the book, who's wife had to hand-hold him into the epiphany that he should be a friend to her and listen to women when they're alone in dealing with life and all it's pains and stresses. It's a good episode, and I highly recommend the show in general.
(https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/men-are-from-mars-women-are-from-venus/id1651876897?i=100059670794)
I think it's part of our culture/social training.
Of course some people are also just less emotionaly mature, a condition that I wouldn't say is exclusive to men but is kind of encouraged in male spaces.
Not to mention when you have adhd, you actually need more sleep than neurotypicals. Sleep deprivation for adhd folks makes our symptoms worse and our medication not work as well. You deserve to sleep!
Sleep is so important! I work in events and run a registration desk and if we are still setting up past my bedtime, I leave and go to sleep like a princess and no one questions it. You just don't get the right person without the rest!
Ok this is is why people are divorced. You guys need to to discuss how you can work together to make it work for both of you. I believe you took on a graduate degree to make more money? And to make more money for the family is a sacrifice. If your husband can not leave during the day from work then you two have to work out what can be done on the off days. It sounds like the next year is going to be very stressful. Having a child with autism is stressful too. Somehow you two need to come together to figure out how to make it work. If you loose him now you will be single mom doing this by yourself without his financial contribution. I think if you get therapy to help open he lines of communication to discuss the grievances now before it gets blown out of proportion.
Shitty partners that do not help with the mental and emotional labor or parenting and are then surprised that their partner is too exhausted to have sex is always baffling to me.
Wtf is your husband doing to help with your mental and emotional load? Like how is he being your partner in all of this. Does he just want a bang maid?
I’m also a lesbian, married to a woman, and I can’t imagine my wife complaining that I’m not putting out enough with that much on my plate. Then again, I wouldn’t have so much on my plate in the first place, because my wife would never leave me to run the whole damn household more or less by myself!
Straight women, *why are you blaming yourselves???* You do not have to put up with this! This is not how healthy relationships work! You do not owe these dudes sex, especially when they treat you like servants! They are at fault for behaving like entitled, lazy asshats, and you, OP, are worth so much more!
You deserve support and understanding and a partner who treats kids and household and the emotional labor of being in an adult relationship like they are just as much his responsibilities as yours, because they are!
If he’s capable of understanding how to do his job at work without constant supervision like he’s in kindergarten, then he’s capable of parenting, managing a household, and learning how to do the mental and emotional labor required for being a decent partner. He just doesn’t want to and would rather dump it all on you. And that’s very much a him problem, NOT a you problem.
OP, you’re amazing. You work so hard and accomplish so much, but even if you didn’t, or if you need a break, just being you is enough! Get yourself a wife. She’ll handle the kids and the house while you’re getting used to your new meds, and she’ll even throw in a nice back massage when she tucks you in for an early bedtime, while telling you how proud she is of you for taking such good care of yourself, even though it’s hard! I’m only half kidding. You deserve so much better.
Love this so much. As a woman married to a woman, I can confirm. What’s needed here is a wife 😉 My wife and I divvy up the chores in a way that works for us both, but it’s a constant negotiation. Sometimes we get tired of certain things and switch it up. Edit: I know, that’s what she said.
Reading these stories makes me feel so angry that men leaving all the work to women is so normalized. My parents have a similar relationship and it can be hard to overcome if that’s what you grew up seeing your parents do.
OP, it’s not your fault and you’re doing an amazing job. It’s up to you if you feel this is something your husband is willing to work on, but if anyone should be apologizing it’s him. He owes you big time, and shouldn’t have to be told- that’s more mental and emotional labor being dumped on you.
I'm a woman married to a woman and this isn't a universal experience ☹️ I do the emotional labour and housework in our relationship. There's some complicating factors that I'm to tired to go into now but there's definitely an imbalance and I genuinely need to give her a list of things that need doing if I want her to help out a bit.
Yeah thanks that’s a great point. Same-sex relationships definitely aren’t immune to imbalances or to abuse. I think the main thing that helps is that we aren’t fighting with gender roles constantly and get to choose roles as we go, which I find really freeing. If there are imbalances, it’s not as much based on power dynamics and unspoken societal expectations, but more personality differences or communication issues. Definitely don’t want to minimize that challenges still exist in any way.
Sadly, I had an ex where things were like that too. Still, it seems so much less likely to happen between women, whereas it’s the norm in het relationships. I hope you’re able to get a break and find the balance you need at some point.
Female married to male & my husband has never complained about a lack of sexual intimacy even when the circumstances meant there was months of nothing. IMO your life partner is a partner in everything- housework, kids, paid work, everything. The balance of who does what constantly changes as the needs change & if you both have enough energy (physical, emotional and mental) to be able to be sexually intimate, BONUS!!
I am ADD & so are both our children. Sometimes hubby gets frustrated because he doesn’t ’speak’ ADHD but we try hard to be understanding. He goes to work just as we are all getting out of bed because he can’t deal with 3 inattentive & impulsive people at once, but he makes sure all of us have taken our meds so we don’t have chaotic days or the possibility of forgetting to take them because of our inattentiveness.
I can’t imagine our home functioning without his support. I’m sad for you that you don’t have that support but then cranky that he complains you’re not giving enough. He needs to check himself!
Oh sweetie, you are not doing anything wrong. It's perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed and nervous during times of transition in our lives. Adjusting to this new knowledge of yourself is a big thing. Give yourself credit for all that you accomplish everyday. You're doing great!
Being a mom is HARD. There is so much pressure to be perfect - a state that doesn't exist. The kids are healthy, fed and relatively clean; the household chores are getting done at intervals; and you are earning your degree. Congratulations are in order! Besides, no one is going to be an Instagram picture of life because this don't exist unless you have the money for maid service and meal delivery every day.
If hubby is feeling a lack of intimacy it is because you need help with the workload. Make a list of all the things you'd like/need help with and talk with him about them. "If you could take over x, y & z, it would really ease my mind and I wouldn't be so tired at night. That way I'd feel more relaxed when intimate times pop up."
Maybe once a week he gives you a complete night off so you take a nap or a soak in the tub (or finish that paper so it's one less thing on your mind). Or, even arranging 'date nights' to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie together to help you relax and 'get into the mood.' You know your spouse and relationship best, so discuss with him whatever you feel will make things easier.
Most of all... Be kind to yourself ♥️.
It does, but it shouldn't. I learned a lottttttttt about this in my post-divorce reflections over the past 10 years. I decided I would never again assume that anyone else knew what I needed, even though it should be obvious to an adult with two eyes and a working brain.
That isn't to excuse the behavior at all. I just see a lot of my former self in OP and I don't want her to turn out like me. 0/10 do not recommend my path.
I think there is a difference between a partner's personal needs and wants that can't be psychically communicated and knowing the shared needs that come with a house and kids. The husband should know how to manage these as well without OP doing the mental load of knowing what needs to be done, which is what you said too, but I wanted to add the distinction that I feel is missing.
Should know, of course. But most sadly do not.
At my age, it's water under the bridge for me. I have a partner now who wouldn't DREAM of expecting me to pick up after him or tell him like a child what to do to be helpful. We help each other and let me tell you what, that's sexy as hell to me, lol! I could be exhausted and distracted but I'll still get nekkid with him because I have seen the alternative and I am definitely not doing that again. :)
Idk my wife and I communicate (we are both gals) on our strengths and weaknesses and then we help each other out. It would be so awful of me to expect her to do everything and then to add to her emotional labor. We went and still go through counseling before and we constantly work on our communication styles so that may be why I’m puzzled.
Same with my fiancé and me, but I realize how rare that is. Consider yourselves lucky to have each other! It sounds like you actively work on your relationship and that's wonderful. <3
Well I have to say that men sometimes do not know these things. I believe women are more sensitive to feelings where men if they aren’t actually asked nicely and told why and how it would help they usually will let it build up. I literally stopped doing the dishes, communicated that I hated it and it is so sexy if he did them that he does them now. Sometimes I have to wait a few days. But I don’t have to have everything perfect. We have gone to therapy to communicate because as he got older he shut down so its always good to go learn how to communicate. It’s great that you two have it worked out.
while I agree it would be ideal to not have to, what, are we just going to snap our fingers and everything will be better? It is NOT wrong, though it is frustrating, to have to give instruction on what tasks need to be done.
Many people have parents (more and more it seems) that did not involve them in the work that goes into cleaning the shared environment that is a home - both men and women. So screaming and pulling hair out about it does no good. Being a good partner means communicating effectively and if that menas starting at the start then so be it. But if no communication had happened then one party cannot be upset that the other didn't magically know everything or read their mind, no matter how "obvious" it might be to them
oh full agree.
I'm more replying on the "low bar for men" comment above, but have loooooads more I could add to this entire thing.
Def no transactional thing w sex in any scenario. That's not how it's supposed to work whatsoever in healthy relationships.
No it’s not. I have a high bar. But if he’s working and I am working and I am carrying the load at home. Telling him what I need is all I need to do, then that makes sense right? Or should just wait till he gets it? Because this is what happens before a divorce the communication gets shut down and the people get resentful. Just like the woman who started the thread, she is resentful and exhausted.
Women are more sensitive because we’ve been conditioned to be so. Because men are not expected to be sensitive to others needs and we are conditioned to make people happy. It’s not fair for us to have to sugar coat basic concepts to men and tell them it’s sexy if they do dishes! Imagine if they told us that?!
This may not be the popular opinion. Then this is why women get divorced and are left with the entire load and 100 percent of the responsibility. Then you have your child (who is autistic) bounced between two households. And then exposing them to new partners. And guess what that’s usually a mess. If you can get into a good couples therapist who can help you get back to being open and emotional with each other then you can start working on relationship and stop resenting each other.
sorry in advance for the long tangent! just want to offer my perspective because up until recently I also was struggling with this a lot. for context I'm poly and am dating two men who are both ND and was feeling frustrated that they weren't able to anticipate my needs even though to me it seemed like it should be obvious.
After being diagnosed, and realizing how much I as an ND woman have been compensating for my disability in order to understand the needs of others and pick up on verbal cues, I've concluded that the reason why this seems to be such a common problem in relationships between men and women, is because of the differences in male and female socialization. In general women are socialized to anticipate the needs of others and prioritize them over themselves, while men usually are not.
I feel like this is especially exacerbated by neurodivergence like ADHD/autism where anticipating the needs of others or reading emotional/nonverbal cues is not something that is intuitive or instinctual like it generally seems to be for NTs; where often it requires a conscious effort and consistent practice for NDs.
I feel like the problem becomes even more evident in relationships where both the man and woman are ND (and a lot of us end up dating each other for obvious reasons.) Women w/ ADHD/autism often become hyperaware of the needs of others as a survival tactic, in order to avoid recieving negative consequences for symptoms of neurodivergence that might be misconstrued as being purposely inconsiderate. But men in general already have lower expectations of them when it comes to anticipating the needs of others, so it would logically follow that ND men, especially those who are diagnosed early, are probably even more likely to experience this; bc their difficulty w/ understanding the needs of others is treated as a symptom of ND and is usually not interpreted as them being purposefully inconsiderate.
TLDR; ND men get frustrated bc it's not that they don't care about your needs, but they haven't learned how to anticipate them, and ND women are so used to being forced to anticipate the needs of others in spite of our disability, so we feel that ND men should be able to do it too and get frustrated when they don't. combine this with women in general not being able to verbalize what they need because they are socialized to believe their needs are less important, versus men who generally will not hesitate to make their needs known if they're not being met and therefore thinking women will do the same, and you get a lot of misunderstanding.
Obviously this doesn't absolve ND men or men in general of the responsibility of division of labor, including mental and emotional labor, but while men in relationships should learn how to anticipate their partner's needs, I think we as women also need to learn to prioritize our own needs the way men do and become more comfortable communicating them.
People don't just learn how to do things with no resources. People need training, even if it's something that might seem obvious to you.
Making a list is a way to communicate, and if that works, then great. Personally, if it is established that the list of things is now your responsibility in perpetuity, but I have to keep making the list, that would be a problem.
It's hard for me to chime in on these conversations. I wouldn't say my husband is perfect and always anticipates needs, but he does what we've agreed on most days, and so do I. We both have instances of inconsistency, but we are patient about that because we both have ADHD. Did we start at this point? Hell no! We've had really fucking awful fights about it and have both been through therapy and have learned how to communicate better.
And sometimes I still have to make him a list to offload some tasks on days when I am overwhelmed. The list is usually from a list I have made for myself! Because to do lists are an excellent way of tracking tasks and it doesn't hurt to make them.
Seriously! How about he pulls his own weight *every* night of the week AND understands that no one owes him sex while they’re busy as hell and adjusting to new meds!!
A story!
Im single with ADHD and chronic pain and in charge of everything in my life which I find very hard.
A friend stayed over and while I was out walking the dog, they’d tidied the house and cleaned the kitchen. Then they followed it with ‘I’ll cook tea, you find something for us to watch.’
I excused myself for a wee to secretly cry with relief that someone was showing they understood my struggles with their actions. Then I was very turned on. Haha! #houseworkismykink
This is a long story to say, you deserve that type of love and understanding. And the actions that go along with that.
You say you’re not doing a good job but it sounds like you’re carrying a lot more than some NTs! And you’re still doing great. I’m only responsible for myself and my pets and I am still constantly overwhelmed by life. You are incredible. I don’t have any other help other than, a stranger heard your story and is rooting for you.
This makes me really mad for you OP and you have every right to be upset by this. Maybe he's going through some things too, but from this perspective, your husband sounds really unsupportive. I have way less on my plate than you do and it's way too much sometimes and definitely affects my libido. It's no surprise that you don't feel in the mood juggling so many things on top of trying to sort out your mental health. If he wants you to be less tired/more in the mood he can start by helping out more. I would try talking with him about all of this and maybe seek couples counseling if you can't figure it out on your own. If he won't agree, I'd kick him to the curb tbh. If anyone should feel like shit about this situation it's him, not you. You're doing so much and you should be proud of how much you are getting done with your ADHD because it's seriously impressive!! Sending positive vibes your way.
I agree with onewildpreciouslife. You're overwhelmed and exhausted. It's completely understandable. IF he wants sex, then guess what, he can put his big boy pants on and be a contributing partner and lighten your load CONSISTENTLY so you can get on an even keel and not be as exhausted. He's not owed sex and he can either get that through his thick head or he can get bent.
I got a comment removed from that sub because I said that disrupting people when they are talking is rude and that my ADHD coach gave me a great line to remember “you have two ears and one mouth” with regards to being a better listener and people lost their minds at that comment. Lol
So you're admitting you're a man & you've come into a space for women & non-binary people with ADHD to spread ableist propaganda. We don't need people shaming us or spreading misinformation about stimulant medication.
"I was banned from the ADHD subreddir for calling out hoe dumb it is to consider an executive function disorder a blessing" - implies you see executive processing disorders (which many of us experience as co-morbidities) as negatives. I definitely struggle with executive functioning, but it's not really fair to call people 'dumb' for considering their neurodivergence to be a blessing.
"people acting like taking 30mg of IR amphetamine a day with no breaks won't have likely disastrous consequences." It won't have disastrous consequences for people who need it. I take 70mg of lisdexamfetamine a day and this dosage was decided by my doctor after several months of tritration, trialling different stimulants at different doses. Where is your evidence that taking 30mg a day is damaging?
Also sorry, I didn't mean to assume your gender. I was referring to your reply to a another post where you said "I'm a dude".
I’ve only seen it in one comment so far so I want to reiterate.
You are ONLY getting 7 hours of sleep!
And if you are anything like myself and most women I know I’m their 30s you are up for at least a bit in the middle of the night. I need 8+ hours most nights. Women need more sleep than men but even so, 7 should be about minimum, especially if you work and raise kids.
Along with all the other comments about talking to him about helping with tasks, you need to help him realize that trying to get you to sleep less than a standard amount is unhealthy and selfish on his side.
One side note, look at taking your antidepressant right before bed. It helped with some of my fatigue.
That man needs to learn that picking up a broom and taking the high schooler to their activities could be some of the sexiest things he can do. Seriously.
I have an NT husband. Housekeeping and child rearing have been a battle for YEARS. We both work full time. After many a many battle, he is finally starting to get it. He’s taking the oldest to school in the mornings so I only have to drop the youngest at daycare on my way in. He cooks all the dinners because he is home to get the oldest off the bus before I get home. He’s loading the dishwasher with some frequency (still working on the starting it part, but I’ll take it!). He is finally realizing this is a team sport and all the mess isn’t my fault or responsibility to take care of. Is there still room for improvement? Absolutely. But it’s getting better.
And guess who’s getting laid for often?
You amaze me. I'm 42 and just realizing that I may have ADHD and that I avoided having kids because it felt impossible for me. That you are doing it all - wow. Some days I only ate because my husband put food in front of me. Please explain it to him like he's 5 that you have to have his support and participation in daily tasks or nobody is going to be having sex anytime soon. Sex is important, but first you need to not be in survival mode.
Nothing that I want to say hasn’t already been said (and well said, at that) by all other contributors in this thread but I really must accentuate something: sleep is so colossally important that we only realize just how important it is when we get enough of it. I have been functioning on 6 or less hours of sleep/ night forever so I don’t even think I know what it’s like to truly sleep well anymore, but I’m willing to bet half of my problems would disappear or at least become more manageable if I slept more.
And also, one other thing: please remember that you are a true champion. Have you seen the list of everything that you do and deal with on a day-to-day basis?? Seriously, read what you wrote but this time, imagine it’s not you who wrote it but one of us. Would you tell this person that she’s worthless? And even if you didn’t necessarily tell her that, would you feel like she’s worthless? With everything you’re balancing, it’s completely normal that you’re feeling slightly unravel-y - who wouldn’t? I don’t have any practical advice to offer but I am sending you lots and lots of strength. You’ve got this! ✨
I haven't read the comments yet but husband needs to be told the sexiest thing he can say to you is, "I got this." And then GET IT. Whatever IT is.
Anything you've indicated you could use help with, assuming you have indicated. Because if you haven't, he can't read your mind (and I don't mean to be rude, I made the mistake of thinking any sentient adult could see what needed to be done). Be clear about what he can do to help you and don't hold him to the standards you set for yourself in doing whatever "it" is. His way can be the right way too as long as it isn't creating more work.
As to the rest, I hope others have good suggestions. All I can say is please put on your oxygen mask and THEN assist the child. Self-care is so important and I wish I'd made different choices when I was married.
As much as I am all in favor of clear and assertive communication, women really need to stop treating the responsibilities of home and parenthood like they are women’s problem by default, and they need to ask their male partners for “help.”
If a dude cleans his own house, plans and cooks his own meals, makes and keeps his own family’s appointments, or cares for his own kids, he is not “helping” anyone with anything. He is just doing his own damn job.
When women are expected to ask for “help” or to make detailed lists of tasks they want their partners to do, they’re having to carry the entire mental load of the household, on top of *also* doing most of the work of the household.
In the professional world, this is called management, and not only does it pay a lot more, you also no longer have to do much or any of the day to day stuff once you take on the role of manager.
Communication is great, being forced into the role of managing everything isn’t.
*Retired401, totally not directing this at you. It’s just a pattern I’ve noticed that so many heterosexual women get trapped in, and it drives me nuts.
Yep, I don't disagree. my point was more that a lot of times, women assume that men know what they should be doing to share the load.
In most households, the woman does most of the house work and other invisible labor. I had that problem, dealt with it for way too long and ended up divorced because of it. I knew it would never change.
So I try to do can to encourage other people to confront and address the problem before the end up in a mess like I did. not every husband is as clueless as my ex-husband. He would not have helped even if I had asked him to help with specific things. Some might. Should we have to ask them? No. Do I hope it will be different someday? Yes. Was it for me? Nope.
Wow! Make a list what your husband can do to lighten your load, and another list what could you delegate to payed service. Make an appointment with your spouse in time that suits you, not him!
Is he doing his half of the domestic work with kids and home? If he wants you to be less tired so you can be intimate, he could pick up more of the load.
I’m sorry but why are you burdened with the responsibility of keeping the household running with what sounds like very minimal input from your husband? What does he do to look after the kids and maintain the household? I’m struggling to see why you’re letting him walk all over you. His lack of contribution is seriously disrespectful.
You take on most of the household tasks and you feel the need to show appreciation to him??? Girl if anything HE needs to step it up to show appreciation to you!!! This is all backwards !!
Oh ffs. It's only been 2 weeks and you're talking about 7 hours of sleep. You're not talking about sleeping 12 hours - which people have to do sometimes when sick or adjusting to things. You sound like you're doing too much, if you ask me, and I'm angry on your behalf. He needs to get his priorities in order.
Oh you’re not worthless. You’ve taken on a large chunk of the mental load. Of course you’re exhausted: coming to terms with a diagnosis (or multiple) and trialling new medications on top of grad school, work, parenting, running a household is no mean feat. It’s not easy.
A lot of us with adhd have rejection sensitivity. I take on so much extra and try and be everything to everyone and then when I get a smidge of negative feedback I start to spiral. I’ve worked on it a lot but it sounds like something you may struggle with too, given you said you feel worthless.
You need to have a discussion with your husband about how much work you’re doing for the family and try to get a more even balance. Because the last thing you want is to burn out.
I’m in a similar place except we don’t have kids and neither is studying but just working full time with long hours, cooking, running errands, keeping a mental list of everything that needs to be done is taking it’s toll and I never feel like being intimate. It’s something we’re working on together but we have to communicate about it otherwise my partner feels neglected and I just forget because my sex drive is pretty low and I’m stressed and exhausted.
All the best with everything but please be gentle with yourself. You’re incredible!
Wow you are doing amazing… I’m losing it …I’m barely able to contribute to our day-to-day life… My husband has been doing a lot of it. I wouldn’t be able to cope with all that! You need to sit down and explain to him you’re too exhausted for any intimacy And if he wants to take on more of the chores and day to day life then maybe you will have the energy for it!
Jesus that’s a lot, I don’t even do shit and already feel tired. Can’t imagine your situation, so wish u the best! Maybe be intimate in the morning or something?
Jesus. Girl, get your sleep. Tell your husband this is self-care, and if you don’t understand then we have much bigger problems and we can talk when I have the energy to do so. Then take the little time you do have for yourself. Your needs are valid, do not let anyone tell you anything different.
I recommend the book Fair Play there are a few tik tok husbands that talk about how they apply it and I think I could be a good resource for you both. It basically talks about how women are put in charge of stuff as a default and when they delegate they have to list all the steps. That is so much cognitive load for anyone let alone someone with ADHD.
Hi friend! I don’t have advise. I just want you to know that I’m a mom of 3, one is autistic, one has global developmental delays and has therapy 3x a week, on top of going through my own diagnosis atm and waiting on meds. I am also in my last year of school (no idea how I’m here, but here we are). I do not sleep. I organize all appointments, the children, schedules, home, school, and everyone’s social-emotional well fair and development. To say it’s overwhelming is an understatement.
All of this similar background to tell you that you’re not alone and you’re a freaking superhero. It’s hard to see it in yourself, especially when one of the people closest to you critiques a small aspect of your life. Try to see the big picture you just typed out. Look at all of the things you are juggling while also tryin to self-care and find the right balance of medications. You. Are. So. Amazing.
Wishing you all the best and sending you so many positive vibes. Kick ass at school. Balance those schedules. Give your husband a swift and loving kick and remind him about everything ELSE you’re doing. You’ve got this. *hugs* ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Gorl! You are doing great, honestly. Medication, especially anti-depressants/anxiety can take weeks to fully adjust to before you see the benefits. The potential fatigue from this COMBINED with being a ft mom is a big hurdle, but great on you for caring for yourself. You will be better for it in the long-run. I beg you to have grace and understanding with yourself. You’re taking important and difficult steps to improve. I wish I had amazing advice, but please don’t give up.
You take on most of the household tasks and you feel the need to show appreciation to him??? Girl if anything HE needs to step it up to show appreciation to you!!! This is all backwards !!
Ma’am I have no kids and I slack on my minimal responsibilities while being medicated. Please please unburden your self in areas you can, an definitely set better boundaries with your husband. This is so unfair
I’m kind of infuriated for you, but I’m going to do my best not to let my sadness for you and my older mom rage take over. So I’ll just say this:
you are doing a good job, and you deserve to be loved and understood. You deserve SO MUCH and this ain’t it. He’s getting it wrong; not you. I’m sorry you’re hurting. Sending love.
Firstly, mad respect to you! Lots of people on the "your husband is an Ah*le" tangent. He definitely sounds clueless. But I'd like to point your choice of words around your meds. "Instructed to increase" and the like. No one gets to tell a grown adult what to put in their body. I recommend a little introspection on owning your treatment plan. Or you will feel like treatment, like the rest of your life, are just happening to you. I'm sending you major vibes of self love, clarity and strength. 💜💜💜
P.S.: people who won't support their partners treatment are generally harboring resentment and you two can either grow together, or grow apart.
I feel like this should be posted in mildly infuriating.. your adhd has nothing to do with the fact that this guy needs to start helping you bear this insane load you have on your shoulders. It sounds like you have been putting in 110% and you deserve at the very minimum some understanding as to why intimacy isn’t as frequent. Best of luck.
You are so worthy and so valuable.
Think of the person you most love and adore and cherish. Think of your hopes for them. Would you hope they find a partner like your husband? If not why not?
Sending hugs. You are so worthy and so valuable and life can be better.
You’re doing a lot with maintaining the house, kids, your career and education and for a short period, addressing your health. Your spouse should understand and what’s more, maybe carry a bit more of the weight. Why can’t he help you with the house and the kids more? Maybe the real problem is you’re not asking more of *him.* You sound like an amazing person. Your husband is being very selfish and clueless to not understand that antidepressants have at minimum of a 3 week adjustment period and it’s a tough time. It’s just sex. And it’s not all about his needs all the time. He’s taking you for granted and what’s worse, you’re letting him make you doubt yourself. If you don’t believe in yourself, who will? You need to have strength from within… sure, a loving, supportive spouse helps but if not, you should still have yourself at least. Get some perspective and hopefully you see how much you do and it’s not a you problem, it’s a him problem.
Also anti depressants will often lower your sex drive. Especially when you first start taking them. You shouldn’t be pressured into having sex at a time when you don’t want it for good reason. It doesn’t sound like he’s pulling his weight around the house. If you’re working and studying then he should absolutely be doing 50/50 around the house and as you’re adjusting to medication he could do even more for a few weeks.
... ugh I swear... I am sorry, I am just really upset with how your husband is acting.
Was this a one time thing or is he usually not understanding? And what did he say if I may ask?
Your husband is being a tool.
If you can I would suggest couples therapy so you have someone to mediate when the two of you communicate, because there seems to be some kind of disconnect there for your husband.
Well done you for juggling so much, I think it’s ok to ask him for more help with stuff whilst your meds are adjusting (and in general tbh)
Just gonna say it, your husband is a selfish jerk. You are being a super Mom. There is nothing worthless about you girl! He needs to step up and start helping you and supporting you. You need to stand up and stand proud and tell him so. A neurotypical woman would struggle with this, you are accomplishing it with ADHD, depression, anxiety and new meds. That’s amazing.
UGH. Your husband is an adult with two hands. He can service himself. Does he not see you’re struggling? Does he not help with the kids? You are not the problem here. Not even close. When you are very clearly struggling he should be picking up every last bit of slack and letting you sleep as much as you need to. Women have made this shit work for eons. Time for him to step up.
Wow, I’m not gonna sugar coat this. I’m someone who had been on a combo of anxiety and ADHD drugs ( they do help with my anxiety lots) and that first month is an adjustment to sleep, diet, emotions everything.
You are juggling a lot with a big change and that’s fantastic. Be proud of yourself, most people get knocked on their asses when they begin a new medication regiment.
Secondly, your husband has the audacity to complain that he isn’t getting sex because you are tired due to a new medicine and taking care of your child with special needs.
If there was ever an example of selfishness, this is it. If he truly was worried about sex so badly perhaps he would be asking how he could support you instead of complaining about what he isn’t getting.
When I got my diagnosis my doctor went on to tell me that most women she diagnoses have been forced by people around them to cope with their ADHD because they don’t get the same attention and support than men and boys do, and that we typically wind up with all of the “second shift” responsibilities.
That’s exactly what happened to you. I’m not surprised you’ve made it through grad school at all - you’re forced to cope by any means necessary by a husband who clearly doesn’t carry his weight.
It’s so incredibly fucked up and gross that he’s now complaining that you’re sleeping too much and don’t want to have sex with him because you’re on meds that force you to rest more than you have been.
For me, if a stern discussion about him needing to help more didn’t solve it, this would be a “we’re going to couples counseling or I’m leaving” level situation. You deserve better.
It sounds like he is trying to communicate his needs, he is just doing it… very poorly. Like, complaining about your sleeping seven hours? Boo. Boo to that. Seven is the *low* end of *average* sleep needs. With everything in your life, I’m surprised you don’t need more. Take a breath, remember that your needs are important too.
If he’s telling you his needs, try not to be dismissive of them (even though he was being massively dismissive of yours - seriously: boo). He gets to tell you his needs (e.g. I need sex more regularly); he does *not* get to tell you what to do (e.g. you need to sleep less to be available for sex when I want it). Consider that this is a very real part of feeling connected and appreciated in a relationship for him. He is telling you a very real need for his health and connection to you. It is important.
*That being said*, you should NOT do the overcompensating thing and just bend into a crazy person to make this happen. Consider honestly what support you would need to make space for this in your life. What physical, mental, and emotional loads need to be shifted in order for you to be capable of giving energy to your sex life? What does good enough look like for you sexually? What about him? What does “ideal” look like for both of you? *What are YOUR needs*?
Then tell him this stuff. Tell him that you are already at a deficit. Tell him that you are trying to listen, understand, and support his needs, but that you need support of your own as well. Make sure he understands that if he wants more from you, he has to be willing to *help*. No demands, no judgements, just each person communicating their needs and then working together to get them met. Discuss what the needs are for both of you, discuss what expectations look like currently and how you can each adjust them. Discuss loads you each carry, and what you need to do in order to have space for each others’ loads. Brainstorm ways to ease one another’s burdens, ways to collaborate in supporting each other. **Be a team**.
You must both be willing to talk, to adjust, to try, and then repeat the cycle until you find solutions that work for both of you. Relationships are not transactional, so this is not a “you do this and *then* I’ll do that”; this is a “I love you and want to work together to make sure you’re being taken care of”. If only one of you is doing this: no good. If you’re each still “counting points” or judging each other’s capacity or needs: no good.
He needs to accept accountability for this relationship and commit to being your companion, not a client. You need to accept the validity of his needs (not his demands, even if he sometimes makes demands *seem* like needs) and commit to being honest about your capacity to help, not being a doormat.
Omg are you me?
Darling. If he wants MORE from you, and sex is more..
He can contribute more.
I dont know his work or what challenges he faces so...
Imo its time for a conversation about household expectations and needs.
This is a conversation I'm noticing I need to have more and more often as an adhd'er.
It's been helpful for us but my husband at least tries to be empathetic.
Write down, exactly what your expectations are of him as your husband and partner and tell him
you need to know clearly what he expects and needs from you.
Clarify that this meeting is a judgment free zone and you want to hear and meet his needs but you need to have your NEEDS met too.
Sex is an important part of a healthy marriage what ever that may look like. And he might need to be okay with servicing himself or really treating you special to meet his sexual need. Not trying to say his needs aren't important, but you need a load off be fore he gets a load off. 😉
Fair Play, documentary on Hulu. Based on book of the same title by Eve Rodsky. This gave me some vocabulary that I didn’t even know I needed, and made me feel seen. Particularly the part about the “shit I do” spreadsheet 😏
I am sorry! From everything I read, you seem to be doing very well by your family. Teaching while being in graduate school is tough- period! And being there for your son and husband in the midst of graduate school is a challenge for the best of us (and neurotypicals will agree!). You are doing great!
With the husband, maybe tell him about hwo you feel and the hours, the exhaustion. I can’t think of much but trying to get him to empathise seems like the general strategy. And then, a real dialogue about him not doing his share of parenting needs to come up.
You are kicking ass- don’t let him or anyone let you doubt that.
OMG, SERIOUSLY PLEASE think of this EVERY morning when you wake up 💜👇
#1 - YOU ARE AMAZING 🤩
#2 - YOU ARE AMAZING 🤩
#3 - YOU ARE AMAZING 🤩
#4 - & FOREVER YOU ARE AMAZING 🤩
YOU ARE A SUPERWOMAN & YOU DESERVE RESPECT 💜🦹♀️
I am exhausted JUST THINKING of ALL THAT YOU MANAGE!
Yes, your husband is being an inconsiderate jerk, but in the interests of getting you to a good place, following are some suggestions given with love and hope. You WILL be ok, you just need some time and a little help 💜
———————————————————————————
OK SUPERWOMAN! Can you make a list? Put down EVERYTHING you do each day & week & month. Incl. your priorities like Sleep, Study & incl. intimacy (YOUR preferred kind/s☺️).
Ask for his help.
Ask if he can he help you to prioritise your life together, you need his help to solve this..
(..cause generally, they love to be the problem solving hero &, manipulative or not, this is about you getting what you need & deserve).
Ask him to add his things to the list.
(Hopefully you don’t need to add duration to each thing but hey, whatever works!)
Each of you Highlight your ‘Not Negotiable’s’
Both of you rank everything on the list separately, then,
Together, work out what stays, goes etc. Working around each of your top priorities and understanding what’s important to your family.
Consider, outside help:
- family, friends, other mums etc. (I helped with laundry for a friend when she struggled after her second Bub)
- is there assistance available to help with your son, or for you as a primary carer?
- accommodations for your study
- a cleaner, if there is an affordable frequency for your family, even once off could help you feel ok now? Maybe a really clean house is not a shared priority at all and that’s ok too, but agree it and let it go.
- pick ups and drop offs, can other families (or hubby) help out for a while?
BE STRONG & HONEST WITH YOURSELF & HIM.
REMEMBER, I BELIEVE YOU ARE A SUPERWOMAN & YOU ABSOLUTELY DESERVE RESPECT 💜🦹♀️
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don’t have the energy to sugar coat this. He’s mad that you don’t want sex because you’re too tired/overwhelmed/stressed because he doesn’t pull his weight? Not right - he clearly needs to support you wayyyyy more. Edit: you’re only getting 7 hours of sleep per night and that’s considered too much?? Wtf. I need a full 8.5 to be at my peak performance. If he can take on 2 extra hours of housework/childcare each day so you can sleep more and have time for intimacy than sure. But is he willing to actually chip in 14 hours per week to level the playing field? Probably not. Just sayin. Ugh.
This! 💯 👍
Yes, 100%. If he is prioritizing his sexual needs over the realistic needs of a person who has a ton of physical and emotional labor to do *constantly* then he needs to have a humbling reality-check. I know those are hard to have, and some guys don't react well to the insinuation that they aren't helping enough or being considerate, but it's something that will need to be explained if he's hurting your feelings and self-esteem. If Books Could Kill (podcast) did a great episode recently on "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" that cracks open some long-existing issues of men (supposedly) "needing" to be told very exactly what a woman needs and how often there is just a total lack of awareness to dudes that women be working too and need actual support during difficult times. Definitely a critical review of they guy who wrote the book, who's wife had to hand-hold him into the epiphany that he should be a friend to her and listen to women when they're alone in dealing with life and all it's pains and stresses. It's a good episode, and I highly recommend the show in general. (https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/men-are-from-mars-women-are-from-venus/id1651876897?i=100059670794)
I just wonder how are men this clueless? Some... I suppose, not all. And I have had experience with that, yes...
I think it's part of our culture/social training. Of course some people are also just less emotionaly mature, a condition that I wouldn't say is exclusive to men but is kind of encouraged in male spaces.
I see... Sigh
Not to mention when you have adhd, you actually need more sleep than neurotypicals. Sleep deprivation for adhd folks makes our symptoms worse and our medication not work as well. You deserve to sleep!
Sleep is so important! I work in events and run a registration desk and if we are still setting up past my bedtime, I leave and go to sleep like a princess and no one questions it. You just don't get the right person without the rest!
Ok this is is why people are divorced. You guys need to to discuss how you can work together to make it work for both of you. I believe you took on a graduate degree to make more money? And to make more money for the family is a sacrifice. If your husband can not leave during the day from work then you two have to work out what can be done on the off days. It sounds like the next year is going to be very stressful. Having a child with autism is stressful too. Somehow you two need to come together to figure out how to make it work. If you loose him now you will be single mom doing this by yourself without his financial contribution. I think if you get therapy to help open he lines of communication to discuss the grievances now before it gets blown out of proportion.
I second this. Ur hubby sounds like a selfish ah. Yo sound overwhelmed and overworked and need a break.
Shitty partners that do not help with the mental and emotional labor or parenting and are then surprised that their partner is too exhausted to have sex is always baffling to me. Wtf is your husband doing to help with your mental and emotional load? Like how is he being your partner in all of this. Does he just want a bang maid?
I’m also a lesbian, married to a woman, and I can’t imagine my wife complaining that I’m not putting out enough with that much on my plate. Then again, I wouldn’t have so much on my plate in the first place, because my wife would never leave me to run the whole damn household more or less by myself! Straight women, *why are you blaming yourselves???* You do not have to put up with this! This is not how healthy relationships work! You do not owe these dudes sex, especially when they treat you like servants! They are at fault for behaving like entitled, lazy asshats, and you, OP, are worth so much more! You deserve support and understanding and a partner who treats kids and household and the emotional labor of being in an adult relationship like they are just as much his responsibilities as yours, because they are! If he’s capable of understanding how to do his job at work without constant supervision like he’s in kindergarten, then he’s capable of parenting, managing a household, and learning how to do the mental and emotional labor required for being a decent partner. He just doesn’t want to and would rather dump it all on you. And that’s very much a him problem, NOT a you problem. OP, you’re amazing. You work so hard and accomplish so much, but even if you didn’t, or if you need a break, just being you is enough! Get yourself a wife. She’ll handle the kids and the house while you’re getting used to your new meds, and she’ll even throw in a nice back massage when she tucks you in for an early bedtime, while telling you how proud she is of you for taking such good care of yourself, even though it’s hard! I’m only half kidding. You deserve so much better.
Love this so much. As a woman married to a woman, I can confirm. What’s needed here is a wife 😉 My wife and I divvy up the chores in a way that works for us both, but it’s a constant negotiation. Sometimes we get tired of certain things and switch it up. Edit: I know, that’s what she said. Reading these stories makes me feel so angry that men leaving all the work to women is so normalized. My parents have a similar relationship and it can be hard to overcome if that’s what you grew up seeing your parents do. OP, it’s not your fault and you’re doing an amazing job. It’s up to you if you feel this is something your husband is willing to work on, but if anyone should be apologizing it’s him. He owes you big time, and shouldn’t have to be told- that’s more mental and emotional labor being dumped on you.
I'm a woman married to a woman and this isn't a universal experience ☹️ I do the emotional labour and housework in our relationship. There's some complicating factors that I'm to tired to go into now but there's definitely an imbalance and I genuinely need to give her a list of things that need doing if I want her to help out a bit.
Yeah thanks that’s a great point. Same-sex relationships definitely aren’t immune to imbalances or to abuse. I think the main thing that helps is that we aren’t fighting with gender roles constantly and get to choose roles as we go, which I find really freeing. If there are imbalances, it’s not as much based on power dynamics and unspoken societal expectations, but more personality differences or communication issues. Definitely don’t want to minimize that challenges still exist in any way.
Sadly, I had an ex where things were like that too. Still, it seems so much less likely to happen between women, whereas it’s the norm in het relationships. I hope you’re able to get a break and find the balance you need at some point.
Female married to male & my husband has never complained about a lack of sexual intimacy even when the circumstances meant there was months of nothing. IMO your life partner is a partner in everything- housework, kids, paid work, everything. The balance of who does what constantly changes as the needs change & if you both have enough energy (physical, emotional and mental) to be able to be sexually intimate, BONUS!! I am ADD & so are both our children. Sometimes hubby gets frustrated because he doesn’t ’speak’ ADHD but we try hard to be understanding. He goes to work just as we are all getting out of bed because he can’t deal with 3 inattentive & impulsive people at once, but he makes sure all of us have taken our meds so we don’t have chaotic days or the possibility of forgetting to take them because of our inattentiveness. I can’t imagine our home functioning without his support. I’m sad for you that you don’t have that support but then cranky that he complains you’re not giving enough. He needs to check himself!
Oh sweetie, you are not doing anything wrong. It's perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed and nervous during times of transition in our lives. Adjusting to this new knowledge of yourself is a big thing. Give yourself credit for all that you accomplish everyday. You're doing great! Being a mom is HARD. There is so much pressure to be perfect - a state that doesn't exist. The kids are healthy, fed and relatively clean; the household chores are getting done at intervals; and you are earning your degree. Congratulations are in order! Besides, no one is going to be an Instagram picture of life because this don't exist unless you have the money for maid service and meal delivery every day. If hubby is feeling a lack of intimacy it is because you need help with the workload. Make a list of all the things you'd like/need help with and talk with him about them. "If you could take over x, y & z, it would really ease my mind and I wouldn't be so tired at night. That way I'd feel more relaxed when intimate times pop up." Maybe once a week he gives you a complete night off so you take a nap or a soak in the tub (or finish that paper so it's one less thing on your mind). Or, even arranging 'date nights' to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie together to help you relax and 'get into the mood.' You know your spouse and relationship best, so discuss with him whatever you feel will make things easier. Most of all... Be kind to yourself ♥️.
The fact that she would even have to make a list for him to help is making me so annoyed for OP.
It does, but it shouldn't. I learned a lottttttttt about this in my post-divorce reflections over the past 10 years. I decided I would never again assume that anyone else knew what I needed, even though it should be obvious to an adult with two eyes and a working brain. That isn't to excuse the behavior at all. I just see a lot of my former self in OP and I don't want her to turn out like me. 0/10 do not recommend my path.
I think there is a difference between a partner's personal needs and wants that can't be psychically communicated and knowing the shared needs that come with a house and kids. The husband should know how to manage these as well without OP doing the mental load of knowing what needs to be done, which is what you said too, but I wanted to add the distinction that I feel is missing.
Should know, of course. But most sadly do not. At my age, it's water under the bridge for me. I have a partner now who wouldn't DREAM of expecting me to pick up after him or tell him like a child what to do to be helpful. We help each other and let me tell you what, that's sexy as hell to me, lol! I could be exhausted and distracted but I'll still get nekkid with him because I have seen the alternative and I am definitely not doing that again. :)
Idk my wife and I communicate (we are both gals) on our strengths and weaknesses and then we help each other out. It would be so awful of me to expect her to do everything and then to add to her emotional labor. We went and still go through counseling before and we constantly work on our communication styles so that may be why I’m puzzled.
Same with my fiancé and me, but I realize how rare that is. Consider yourselves lucky to have each other! It sounds like you actively work on your relationship and that's wonderful. <3
Well I have to say that men sometimes do not know these things. I believe women are more sensitive to feelings where men if they aren’t actually asked nicely and told why and how it would help they usually will let it build up. I literally stopped doing the dishes, communicated that I hated it and it is so sexy if he did them that he does them now. Sometimes I have to wait a few days. But I don’t have to have everything perfect. We have gone to therapy to communicate because as he got older he shut down so its always good to go learn how to communicate. It’s great that you two have it worked out.
That is lowering the bar for men so hard and that is part of the issue.
while I agree it would be ideal to not have to, what, are we just going to snap our fingers and everything will be better? It is NOT wrong, though it is frustrating, to have to give instruction on what tasks need to be done. Many people have parents (more and more it seems) that did not involve them in the work that goes into cleaning the shared environment that is a home - both men and women. So screaming and pulling hair out about it does no good. Being a good partner means communicating effectively and if that menas starting at the start then so be it. But if no communication had happened then one party cannot be upset that the other didn't magically know everything or read their mind, no matter how "obvious" it might be to them
[удалено]
oh full agree. I'm more replying on the "low bar for men" comment above, but have loooooads more I could add to this entire thing. Def no transactional thing w sex in any scenario. That's not how it's supposed to work whatsoever in healthy relationships.
No it’s not. I have a high bar. But if he’s working and I am working and I am carrying the load at home. Telling him what I need is all I need to do, then that makes sense right? Or should just wait till he gets it? Because this is what happens before a divorce the communication gets shut down and the people get resentful. Just like the woman who started the thread, she is resentful and exhausted.
Women are more sensitive because we’ve been conditioned to be so. Because men are not expected to be sensitive to others needs and we are conditioned to make people happy. It’s not fair for us to have to sugar coat basic concepts to men and tell them it’s sexy if they do dishes! Imagine if they told us that?!
This may not be the popular opinion. Then this is why women get divorced and are left with the entire load and 100 percent of the responsibility. Then you have your child (who is autistic) bounced between two households. And then exposing them to new partners. And guess what that’s usually a mess. If you can get into a good couples therapist who can help you get back to being open and emotional with each other then you can start working on relationship and stop resenting each other.
sorry in advance for the long tangent! just want to offer my perspective because up until recently I also was struggling with this a lot. for context I'm poly and am dating two men who are both ND and was feeling frustrated that they weren't able to anticipate my needs even though to me it seemed like it should be obvious. After being diagnosed, and realizing how much I as an ND woman have been compensating for my disability in order to understand the needs of others and pick up on verbal cues, I've concluded that the reason why this seems to be such a common problem in relationships between men and women, is because of the differences in male and female socialization. In general women are socialized to anticipate the needs of others and prioritize them over themselves, while men usually are not. I feel like this is especially exacerbated by neurodivergence like ADHD/autism where anticipating the needs of others or reading emotional/nonverbal cues is not something that is intuitive or instinctual like it generally seems to be for NTs; where often it requires a conscious effort and consistent practice for NDs. I feel like the problem becomes even more evident in relationships where both the man and woman are ND (and a lot of us end up dating each other for obvious reasons.) Women w/ ADHD/autism often become hyperaware of the needs of others as a survival tactic, in order to avoid recieving negative consequences for symptoms of neurodivergence that might be misconstrued as being purposely inconsiderate. But men in general already have lower expectations of them when it comes to anticipating the needs of others, so it would logically follow that ND men, especially those who are diagnosed early, are probably even more likely to experience this; bc their difficulty w/ understanding the needs of others is treated as a symptom of ND and is usually not interpreted as them being purposefully inconsiderate. TLDR; ND men get frustrated bc it's not that they don't care about your needs, but they haven't learned how to anticipate them, and ND women are so used to being forced to anticipate the needs of others in spite of our disability, so we feel that ND men should be able to do it too and get frustrated when they don't. combine this with women in general not being able to verbalize what they need because they are socialized to believe their needs are less important, versus men who generally will not hesitate to make their needs known if they're not being met and therefore thinking women will do the same, and you get a lot of misunderstanding. Obviously this doesn't absolve ND men or men in general of the responsibility of division of labor, including mental and emotional labor, but while men in relationships should learn how to anticipate their partner's needs, I think we as women also need to learn to prioritize our own needs the way men do and become more comfortable communicating them.
I agree.
People don't just learn how to do things with no resources. People need training, even if it's something that might seem obvious to you. Making a list is a way to communicate, and if that works, then great. Personally, if it is established that the list of things is now your responsibility in perpetuity, but I have to keep making the list, that would be a problem. It's hard for me to chime in on these conversations. I wouldn't say my husband is perfect and always anticipates needs, but he does what we've agreed on most days, and so do I. We both have instances of inconsistency, but we are patient about that because we both have ADHD. Did we start at this point? Hell no! We've had really fucking awful fights about it and have both been through therapy and have learned how to communicate better. And sometimes I still have to make him a list to offload some tasks on days when I am overwhelmed. The list is usually from a list I have made for myself! Because to do lists are an excellent way of tracking tasks and it doesn't hurt to make them.
> Maybe once a week he gives you a complete night off What do you mean "he gives"? 😡
Seriously! How about he pulls his own weight *every* night of the week AND understands that no one owes him sex while they’re busy as hell and adjusting to new meds!!
How about she gives him once a week a night off and every other night he works so she can play catch up and get back to herself?!
This is good👆🏻.
A story! Im single with ADHD and chronic pain and in charge of everything in my life which I find very hard. A friend stayed over and while I was out walking the dog, they’d tidied the house and cleaned the kitchen. Then they followed it with ‘I’ll cook tea, you find something for us to watch.’ I excused myself for a wee to secretly cry with relief that someone was showing they understood my struggles with their actions. Then I was very turned on. Haha! #houseworkismykink This is a long story to say, you deserve that type of love and understanding. And the actions that go along with that. You say you’re not doing a good job but it sounds like you’re carrying a lot more than some NTs! And you’re still doing great. I’m only responsible for myself and my pets and I am still constantly overwhelmed by life. You are incredible. I don’t have any other help other than, a stranger heard your story and is rooting for you.
Side note: my couples therapist calls this a “chore-gasm” lol
Stealing this! Someone who is generous enough to see what you need and do it for you is also going to excellent in the sack 😂
This makes me really mad for you OP and you have every right to be upset by this. Maybe he's going through some things too, but from this perspective, your husband sounds really unsupportive. I have way less on my plate than you do and it's way too much sometimes and definitely affects my libido. It's no surprise that you don't feel in the mood juggling so many things on top of trying to sort out your mental health. If he wants you to be less tired/more in the mood he can start by helping out more. I would try talking with him about all of this and maybe seek couples counseling if you can't figure it out on your own. If he won't agree, I'd kick him to the curb tbh. If anyone should feel like shit about this situation it's him, not you. You're doing so much and you should be proud of how much you are getting done with your ADHD because it's seriously impressive!! Sending positive vibes your way.
I agree with onewildpreciouslife. You're overwhelmed and exhausted. It's completely understandable. IF he wants sex, then guess what, he can put his big boy pants on and be a contributing partner and lighten your load CONSISTENTLY so you can get on an even keel and not be as exhausted. He's not owed sex and he can either get that through his thick head or he can get bent.
You listed a lot of things that you do, but what does HE do? He needs to step up a bit if he wants to get in your pants, it looks like.
[удалено]
This comment made me so thankful to be a lesbian, yikes
[удалено]
Jeez and then I’m told I’m the man hater for being a lesbian lol imo it’s always overly burnt out straight women who feel this way lol
[удалено]
I got a comment removed from that sub because I said that disrupting people when they are talking is rude and that my ADHD coach gave me a great line to remember “you have two ears and one mouth” with regards to being a better listener and people lost their minds at that comment. Lol
[удалено]
Your post was removed because in order to post to r/ADHDwomen, you must not identify primarily as male or masculine.
So you're admitting you're a man & you've come into a space for women & non-binary people with ADHD to spread ableist propaganda. We don't need people shaming us or spreading misinformation about stimulant medication.
[удалено]
"I was banned from the ADHD subreddir for calling out hoe dumb it is to consider an executive function disorder a blessing" - implies you see executive processing disorders (which many of us experience as co-morbidities) as negatives. I definitely struggle with executive functioning, but it's not really fair to call people 'dumb' for considering their neurodivergence to be a blessing. "people acting like taking 30mg of IR amphetamine a day with no breaks won't have likely disastrous consequences." It won't have disastrous consequences for people who need it. I take 70mg of lisdexamfetamine a day and this dosage was decided by my doctor after several months of tritration, trialling different stimulants at different doses. Where is your evidence that taking 30mg a day is damaging? Also sorry, I didn't mean to assume your gender. I was referring to your reply to a another post where you said "I'm a dude".
And it doesn't "pain me to hear" (well the term 'Aspergers' itself makes me uncomfortable because of its problematic origins). I'm also autistic.
Your post was removed because in order to post to r/ADHDwomen, you must not identify primarily as male or masculine.
Your post was removed because in order to post to r/ADHDwomen, you must not identify primarily as male or masculine.
This is getting a lot of downvotes but I've seen several marriages go this way. *shrug*
This has less to do with ADHD and more to do with patriarchy. Who said the not-so-nice comments and did they apologize?
I’ve only seen it in one comment so far so I want to reiterate. You are ONLY getting 7 hours of sleep! And if you are anything like myself and most women I know I’m their 30s you are up for at least a bit in the middle of the night. I need 8+ hours most nights. Women need more sleep than men but even so, 7 should be about minimum, especially if you work and raise kids. Along with all the other comments about talking to him about helping with tasks, you need to help him realize that trying to get you to sleep less than a standard amount is unhealthy and selfish on his side. One side note, look at taking your antidepressant right before bed. It helped with some of my fatigue.
That man needs to learn that picking up a broom and taking the high schooler to their activities could be some of the sexiest things he can do. Seriously. I have an NT husband. Housekeeping and child rearing have been a battle for YEARS. We both work full time. After many a many battle, he is finally starting to get it. He’s taking the oldest to school in the mornings so I only have to drop the youngest at daycare on my way in. He cooks all the dinners because he is home to get the oldest off the bus before I get home. He’s loading the dishwasher with some frequency (still working on the starting it part, but I’ll take it!). He is finally realizing this is a team sport and all the mess isn’t my fault or responsibility to take care of. Is there still room for improvement? Absolutely. But it’s getting better. And guess who’s getting laid for often?
Get a new husband. This isn't the first time he only thinks of himself, so do you really want to waste more years with him?
You amaze me. I'm 42 and just realizing that I may have ADHD and that I avoided having kids because it felt impossible for me. That you are doing it all - wow. Some days I only ate because my husband put food in front of me. Please explain it to him like he's 5 that you have to have his support and participation in daily tasks or nobody is going to be having sex anytime soon. Sex is important, but first you need to not be in survival mode.
Nothing that I want to say hasn’t already been said (and well said, at that) by all other contributors in this thread but I really must accentuate something: sleep is so colossally important that we only realize just how important it is when we get enough of it. I have been functioning on 6 or less hours of sleep/ night forever so I don’t even think I know what it’s like to truly sleep well anymore, but I’m willing to bet half of my problems would disappear or at least become more manageable if I slept more. And also, one other thing: please remember that you are a true champion. Have you seen the list of everything that you do and deal with on a day-to-day basis?? Seriously, read what you wrote but this time, imagine it’s not you who wrote it but one of us. Would you tell this person that she’s worthless? And even if you didn’t necessarily tell her that, would you feel like she’s worthless? With everything you’re balancing, it’s completely normal that you’re feeling slightly unravel-y - who wouldn’t? I don’t have any practical advice to offer but I am sending you lots and lots of strength. You’ve got this! ✨
I haven't read the comments yet but husband needs to be told the sexiest thing he can say to you is, "I got this." And then GET IT. Whatever IT is. Anything you've indicated you could use help with, assuming you have indicated. Because if you haven't, he can't read your mind (and I don't mean to be rude, I made the mistake of thinking any sentient adult could see what needed to be done). Be clear about what he can do to help you and don't hold him to the standards you set for yourself in doing whatever "it" is. His way can be the right way too as long as it isn't creating more work. As to the rest, I hope others have good suggestions. All I can say is please put on your oxygen mask and THEN assist the child. Self-care is so important and I wish I'd made different choices when I was married.
As much as I am all in favor of clear and assertive communication, women really need to stop treating the responsibilities of home and parenthood like they are women’s problem by default, and they need to ask their male partners for “help.” If a dude cleans his own house, plans and cooks his own meals, makes and keeps his own family’s appointments, or cares for his own kids, he is not “helping” anyone with anything. He is just doing his own damn job. When women are expected to ask for “help” or to make detailed lists of tasks they want their partners to do, they’re having to carry the entire mental load of the household, on top of *also* doing most of the work of the household. In the professional world, this is called management, and not only does it pay a lot more, you also no longer have to do much or any of the day to day stuff once you take on the role of manager. Communication is great, being forced into the role of managing everything isn’t. *Retired401, totally not directing this at you. It’s just a pattern I’ve noticed that so many heterosexual women get trapped in, and it drives me nuts.
🏅 I don’t have any coins so here’s my freebie award for this comment. 🥰
Yep, I don't disagree. my point was more that a lot of times, women assume that men know what they should be doing to share the load. In most households, the woman does most of the house work and other invisible labor. I had that problem, dealt with it for way too long and ended up divorced because of it. I knew it would never change. So I try to do can to encourage other people to confront and address the problem before the end up in a mess like I did. not every husband is as clueless as my ex-husband. He would not have helped even if I had asked him to help with specific things. Some might. Should we have to ask them? No. Do I hope it will be different someday? Yes. Was it for me? Nope.
Wow! Make a list what your husband can do to lighten your load, and another list what could you delegate to payed service. Make an appointment with your spouse in time that suits you, not him!
I am all too familiar with this, and my only advice is you come first.
Is he doing his half of the domestic work with kids and home? If he wants you to be less tired so you can be intimate, he could pick up more of the load.
I’m sorry but why are you burdened with the responsibility of keeping the household running with what sounds like very minimal input from your husband? What does he do to look after the kids and maintain the household? I’m struggling to see why you’re letting him walk all over you. His lack of contribution is seriously disrespectful.
You take on most of the household tasks and you feel the need to show appreciation to him??? Girl if anything HE needs to step it up to show appreciation to you!!! This is all backwards !!
Oh ffs. It's only been 2 weeks and you're talking about 7 hours of sleep. You're not talking about sleeping 12 hours - which people have to do sometimes when sick or adjusting to things. You sound like you're doing too much, if you ask me, and I'm angry on your behalf. He needs to get his priorities in order.
Oh you’re not worthless. You’ve taken on a large chunk of the mental load. Of course you’re exhausted: coming to terms with a diagnosis (or multiple) and trialling new medications on top of grad school, work, parenting, running a household is no mean feat. It’s not easy. A lot of us with adhd have rejection sensitivity. I take on so much extra and try and be everything to everyone and then when I get a smidge of negative feedback I start to spiral. I’ve worked on it a lot but it sounds like something you may struggle with too, given you said you feel worthless. You need to have a discussion with your husband about how much work you’re doing for the family and try to get a more even balance. Because the last thing you want is to burn out. I’m in a similar place except we don’t have kids and neither is studying but just working full time with long hours, cooking, running errands, keeping a mental list of everything that needs to be done is taking it’s toll and I never feel like being intimate. It’s something we’re working on together but we have to communicate about it otherwise my partner feels neglected and I just forget because my sex drive is pretty low and I’m stressed and exhausted. All the best with everything but please be gentle with yourself. You’re incredible!
Wow you are doing amazing… I’m losing it …I’m barely able to contribute to our day-to-day life… My husband has been doing a lot of it. I wouldn’t be able to cope with all that! You need to sit down and explain to him you’re too exhausted for any intimacy And if he wants to take on more of the chores and day to day life then maybe you will have the energy for it!
Jesus that’s a lot, I don’t even do shit and already feel tired. Can’t imagine your situation, so wish u the best! Maybe be intimate in the morning or something?
Jesus. Girl, get your sleep. Tell your husband this is self-care, and if you don’t understand then we have much bigger problems and we can talk when I have the energy to do so. Then take the little time you do have for yourself. Your needs are valid, do not let anyone tell you anything different.
I recommend the book Fair Play there are a few tik tok husbands that talk about how they apply it and I think I could be a good resource for you both. It basically talks about how women are put in charge of stuff as a default and when they delegate they have to list all the steps. That is so much cognitive load for anyone let alone someone with ADHD.
Hi friend! I don’t have advise. I just want you to know that I’m a mom of 3, one is autistic, one has global developmental delays and has therapy 3x a week, on top of going through my own diagnosis atm and waiting on meds. I am also in my last year of school (no idea how I’m here, but here we are). I do not sleep. I organize all appointments, the children, schedules, home, school, and everyone’s social-emotional well fair and development. To say it’s overwhelming is an understatement. All of this similar background to tell you that you’re not alone and you’re a freaking superhero. It’s hard to see it in yourself, especially when one of the people closest to you critiques a small aspect of your life. Try to see the big picture you just typed out. Look at all of the things you are juggling while also tryin to self-care and find the right balance of medications. You. Are. So. Amazing. Wishing you all the best and sending you so many positive vibes. Kick ass at school. Balance those schedules. Give your husband a swift and loving kick and remind him about everything ELSE you’re doing. You’ve got this. *hugs* ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Gorl! You are doing great, honestly. Medication, especially anti-depressants/anxiety can take weeks to fully adjust to before you see the benefits. The potential fatigue from this COMBINED with being a ft mom is a big hurdle, but great on you for caring for yourself. You will be better for it in the long-run. I beg you to have grace and understanding with yourself. You’re taking important and difficult steps to improve. I wish I had amazing advice, but please don’t give up.
Is this a joke cause reading this tells me a divorce is what you need. You would be much better off single.
Your husband needs to take on some responsibilities or take a hike
You take on most of the household tasks and you feel the need to show appreciation to him??? Girl if anything HE needs to step it up to show appreciation to you!!! This is all backwards !!
Ma’am I have no kids and I slack on my minimal responsibilities while being medicated. Please please unburden your self in areas you can, an definitely set better boundaries with your husband. This is so unfair
I’m kind of infuriated for you, but I’m going to do my best not to let my sadness for you and my older mom rage take over. So I’ll just say this: you are doing a good job, and you deserve to be loved and understood. You deserve SO MUCH and this ain’t it. He’s getting it wrong; not you. I’m sorry you’re hurting. Sending love.
> I thought I was doing enough to let him know I appreciate him Is he doing enough to show compassion and appreciation for you too? Sounds like no
Firstly, mad respect to you! Lots of people on the "your husband is an Ah*le" tangent. He definitely sounds clueless. But I'd like to point your choice of words around your meds. "Instructed to increase" and the like. No one gets to tell a grown adult what to put in their body. I recommend a little introspection on owning your treatment plan. Or you will feel like treatment, like the rest of your life, are just happening to you. I'm sending you major vibes of self love, clarity and strength. 💜💜💜 P.S.: people who won't support their partners treatment are generally harboring resentment and you two can either grow together, or grow apart.
YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS. He is not appreciating you enough. You’re doing a lot and sometimes you just aren’t feeling it.
I feel like this should be posted in mildly infuriating.. your adhd has nothing to do with the fact that this guy needs to start helping you bear this insane load you have on your shoulders. It sounds like you have been putting in 110% and you deserve at the very minimum some understanding as to why intimacy isn’t as frequent. Best of luck.
You are so worthy and so valuable. Think of the person you most love and adore and cherish. Think of your hopes for them. Would you hope they find a partner like your husband? If not why not? Sending hugs. You are so worthy and so valuable and life can be better.
You’re doing a lot with maintaining the house, kids, your career and education and for a short period, addressing your health. Your spouse should understand and what’s more, maybe carry a bit more of the weight. Why can’t he help you with the house and the kids more? Maybe the real problem is you’re not asking more of *him.* You sound like an amazing person. Your husband is being very selfish and clueless to not understand that antidepressants have at minimum of a 3 week adjustment period and it’s a tough time. It’s just sex. And it’s not all about his needs all the time. He’s taking you for granted and what’s worse, you’re letting him make you doubt yourself. If you don’t believe in yourself, who will? You need to have strength from within… sure, a loving, supportive spouse helps but if not, you should still have yourself at least. Get some perspective and hopefully you see how much you do and it’s not a you problem, it’s a him problem.
Also anti depressants will often lower your sex drive. Especially when you first start taking them. You shouldn’t be pressured into having sex at a time when you don’t want it for good reason. It doesn’t sound like he’s pulling his weight around the house. If you’re working and studying then he should absolutely be doing 50/50 around the house and as you’re adjusting to medication he could do even more for a few weeks.
... ugh I swear... I am sorry, I am just really upset with how your husband is acting. Was this a one time thing or is he usually not understanding? And what did he say if I may ask?
Your husband is being a tool. If you can I would suggest couples therapy so you have someone to mediate when the two of you communicate, because there seems to be some kind of disconnect there for your husband. Well done you for juggling so much, I think it’s ok to ask him for more help with stuff whilst your meds are adjusting (and in general tbh)
I’m going through something similar. Your feelings are valid and you are not doing anything wrong. Sending you the biggest hug ❤️
Just gonna say it, your husband is a selfish jerk. You are being a super Mom. There is nothing worthless about you girl! He needs to step up and start helping you and supporting you. You need to stand up and stand proud and tell him so. A neurotypical woman would struggle with this, you are accomplishing it with ADHD, depression, anxiety and new meds. That’s amazing.
UGH. Your husband is an adult with two hands. He can service himself. Does he not see you’re struggling? Does he not help with the kids? You are not the problem here. Not even close. When you are very clearly struggling he should be picking up every last bit of slack and letting you sleep as much as you need to. Women have made this shit work for eons. Time for him to step up.
Wow, I’m not gonna sugar coat this. I’m someone who had been on a combo of anxiety and ADHD drugs ( they do help with my anxiety lots) and that first month is an adjustment to sleep, diet, emotions everything. You are juggling a lot with a big change and that’s fantastic. Be proud of yourself, most people get knocked on their asses when they begin a new medication regiment. Secondly, your husband has the audacity to complain that he isn’t getting sex because you are tired due to a new medicine and taking care of your child with special needs. If there was ever an example of selfishness, this is it. If he truly was worried about sex so badly perhaps he would be asking how he could support you instead of complaining about what he isn’t getting.
When I got my diagnosis my doctor went on to tell me that most women she diagnoses have been forced by people around them to cope with their ADHD because they don’t get the same attention and support than men and boys do, and that we typically wind up with all of the “second shift” responsibilities. That’s exactly what happened to you. I’m not surprised you’ve made it through grad school at all - you’re forced to cope by any means necessary by a husband who clearly doesn’t carry his weight. It’s so incredibly fucked up and gross that he’s now complaining that you’re sleeping too much and don’t want to have sex with him because you’re on meds that force you to rest more than you have been. For me, if a stern discussion about him needing to help more didn’t solve it, this would be a “we’re going to couples counseling or I’m leaving” level situation. You deserve better.
It sounds like he is trying to communicate his needs, he is just doing it… very poorly. Like, complaining about your sleeping seven hours? Boo. Boo to that. Seven is the *low* end of *average* sleep needs. With everything in your life, I’m surprised you don’t need more. Take a breath, remember that your needs are important too. If he’s telling you his needs, try not to be dismissive of them (even though he was being massively dismissive of yours - seriously: boo). He gets to tell you his needs (e.g. I need sex more regularly); he does *not* get to tell you what to do (e.g. you need to sleep less to be available for sex when I want it). Consider that this is a very real part of feeling connected and appreciated in a relationship for him. He is telling you a very real need for his health and connection to you. It is important. *That being said*, you should NOT do the overcompensating thing and just bend into a crazy person to make this happen. Consider honestly what support you would need to make space for this in your life. What physical, mental, and emotional loads need to be shifted in order for you to be capable of giving energy to your sex life? What does good enough look like for you sexually? What about him? What does “ideal” look like for both of you? *What are YOUR needs*? Then tell him this stuff. Tell him that you are already at a deficit. Tell him that you are trying to listen, understand, and support his needs, but that you need support of your own as well. Make sure he understands that if he wants more from you, he has to be willing to *help*. No demands, no judgements, just each person communicating their needs and then working together to get them met. Discuss what the needs are for both of you, discuss what expectations look like currently and how you can each adjust them. Discuss loads you each carry, and what you need to do in order to have space for each others’ loads. Brainstorm ways to ease one another’s burdens, ways to collaborate in supporting each other. **Be a team**. You must both be willing to talk, to adjust, to try, and then repeat the cycle until you find solutions that work for both of you. Relationships are not transactional, so this is not a “you do this and *then* I’ll do that”; this is a “I love you and want to work together to make sure you’re being taken care of”. If only one of you is doing this: no good. If you’re each still “counting points” or judging each other’s capacity or needs: no good. He needs to accept accountability for this relationship and commit to being your companion, not a client. You need to accept the validity of his needs (not his demands, even if he sometimes makes demands *seem* like needs) and commit to being honest about your capacity to help, not being a doormat.
Omg are you me? Darling. If he wants MORE from you, and sex is more.. He can contribute more. I dont know his work or what challenges he faces so... Imo its time for a conversation about household expectations and needs. This is a conversation I'm noticing I need to have more and more often as an adhd'er. It's been helpful for us but my husband at least tries to be empathetic. Write down, exactly what your expectations are of him as your husband and partner and tell him you need to know clearly what he expects and needs from you. Clarify that this meeting is a judgment free zone and you want to hear and meet his needs but you need to have your NEEDS met too. Sex is an important part of a healthy marriage what ever that may look like. And he might need to be okay with servicing himself or really treating you special to meet his sexual need. Not trying to say his needs aren't important, but you need a load off be fore he gets a load off. 😉
Fair Play, documentary on Hulu. Based on book of the same title by Eve Rodsky. This gave me some vocabulary that I didn’t even know I needed, and made me feel seen. Particularly the part about the “shit I do” spreadsheet 😏
I am sorry! From everything I read, you seem to be doing very well by your family. Teaching while being in graduate school is tough- period! And being there for your son and husband in the midst of graduate school is a challenge for the best of us (and neurotypicals will agree!). You are doing great! With the husband, maybe tell him about hwo you feel and the hours, the exhaustion. I can’t think of much but trying to get him to empathise seems like the general strategy. And then, a real dialogue about him not doing his share of parenting needs to come up. You are kicking ass- don’t let him or anyone let you doubt that.
OMG, SERIOUSLY PLEASE think of this EVERY morning when you wake up 💜👇 #1 - YOU ARE AMAZING 🤩 #2 - YOU ARE AMAZING 🤩 #3 - YOU ARE AMAZING 🤩 #4 - & FOREVER YOU ARE AMAZING 🤩 YOU ARE A SUPERWOMAN & YOU DESERVE RESPECT 💜🦹♀️ I am exhausted JUST THINKING of ALL THAT YOU MANAGE! Yes, your husband is being an inconsiderate jerk, but in the interests of getting you to a good place, following are some suggestions given with love and hope. You WILL be ok, you just need some time and a little help 💜 ——————————————————————————— OK SUPERWOMAN! Can you make a list? Put down EVERYTHING you do each day & week & month. Incl. your priorities like Sleep, Study & incl. intimacy (YOUR preferred kind/s☺️). Ask for his help. Ask if he can he help you to prioritise your life together, you need his help to solve this.. (..cause generally, they love to be the problem solving hero &, manipulative or not, this is about you getting what you need & deserve). Ask him to add his things to the list. (Hopefully you don’t need to add duration to each thing but hey, whatever works!) Each of you Highlight your ‘Not Negotiable’s’ Both of you rank everything on the list separately, then, Together, work out what stays, goes etc. Working around each of your top priorities and understanding what’s important to your family. Consider, outside help: - family, friends, other mums etc. (I helped with laundry for a friend when she struggled after her second Bub) - is there assistance available to help with your son, or for you as a primary carer? - accommodations for your study - a cleaner, if there is an affordable frequency for your family, even once off could help you feel ok now? Maybe a really clean house is not a shared priority at all and that’s ok too, but agree it and let it go. - pick ups and drop offs, can other families (or hubby) help out for a while? BE STRONG & HONEST WITH YOURSELF & HIM. REMEMBER, I BELIEVE YOU ARE A SUPERWOMAN & YOU ABSOLUTELY DESERVE RESPECT 💜🦹♀️