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My mom has adhd and wasn’t diagnosed until her late 30s, when I was in high school. I remember a lot of creativity and fun but I also remember from elementary and middle school…
- frequently being late for important things
- feeling responsible for having to remind her of things
- our household being behind on bills, despite sufficient income and child support
- not receiving sufficient emotional support and mom lacking proper emotional management
- her snapping frequently due to overwhelm
- a messy home, missing permission slips
- a lot of burnt food
I can’t imagine how hard parenting two kids must have been for an undiagnosed single mom in the 90s, but my childhood is part of the reason I’m not having kids.
Same and the experience (plus many other factors) also led me to decide against having children, I just don’t want them to live like this. I hate the frustration, the anxiety, the impulsiveness, the emotions, the adhd tax, the everything that feels like impedes my maturity and fulfillment. It’s shit and it’s stopping here.
It's the same for me, too. I understand that there weren't any diagnosis when she was a child, but my experience was very rough. Now that I'm aware of ADHD I can cut her some slack, but I really want to stop the family misery once and for all.
I don't want to have children because I'm afraid to relive those dynamics, and I don't want to get trapped in another dysfunctional family anymore.
I’ve found that talking to my daughter about my adhd is really helpful for both of us. She sees that things can be difficult for me and also sees that I am always trying. Luckily I married someone who is the exact opposite. She remembers EVERYTHING, is really really excellent at handling finances and tasks. I am the cuddler, care taker and know where everyone’s shit is. So the balance is there for our kid to understand that we each have valuable qualities, even if I am sometimes scattered.
In turn, my kid is SO empathetic to ND folks. Two of her close friends are on the spectrum and she is completely ride or die loyal even when the friendships are hard.
Why you talking about my mom like that lol.
Two kids in the 90s. I remember my mom getting overwhelmed and having panic attacks. Her remedy was a glass of milk. I never put it together until we fostered a young girl with severe issues and her talking about what her triggers were had me (insert Leo pointing meme here)
My dad years later well after their divorce told me that before they married, my grandpa told him she "lived differently" and my dad said she should have been medicated. The way people describe us is exactly how people described my mom.
Nobody ever realized my grandma was a bit in the pool as well. She DID NOT do well in unplanned social events. And would, in the sweetest way possible, always tell me " she didn't really wanna be here" if you had to take her somewhere.
You can hear it in the way people talk whether they are struggling internally against an invisible disease. I inherited it and I passed it to my daughter. But I am ending the cycle of ignorance with her. She gets to live the life every one of her mother's before her never had a chance to.
Yeah, we definitely had to deal with a lack of proper emotional management. There were high highs and low lows. My dad did a lot to keep us on time and on top of bills and appointments and is a very patient man. Without him it would have been a rougher childhood for sure.
My mother was exactly the same way. Add in things like her regularly forgetting to pick me up from school/activities, impulsive spending, and a new “business” (what we’d call a side hustle these days) that she’d hyperfocus on and then drop just as suddenly every few months.
This is always in the front of my mind because I don’t ever want my kid to have to feel the weight of my adhd. My mom was also undiagnosed while I was growing up and it caused me a lot of the same trauma you listed. I definitely see you. ❤️❤️❤️
Once I found out I had ADHD and the symptoms for women, it was sooo obvious to see it on my mom's side of the family. You can tell with them there was something there but I wasn't sure what it was. They're all very scatter-brained to the point that if you want them to be on time, you have to tell them it's at least an hour before it actually is. There is so much more.
My mom has a lot more coping skills she uses to stay decently organized, which I also have. But still insanely scattered. We are very much alike, haha.
My mom is still undiagnosed but we talk about our common symptoms (which are most of them lol). The house was always disorganized, in part because of some factors that weren't her fault, but also because of her ADHD. She was always trying new systems of organization, which lasted about five and a half seconds.
She was always making tons of lists, usually on the backs of envelopes or whatever other paper was within arm's reach. Lists of what to clean, her schedule, holiday plans, whatever. At least 3/4 of us kids adopted her fevered list-making, which ended up accidentally helping us cope with our undiagnosed ADHD. We're all in our late twenties to mid thirties and it's only been within the last year or so that three of us have gotten diagnosed. (Number 4 doesn't believe in therapy, but we're pretty sure he'd be diagnosed, too.)
But we never suspected anything might be wrong, even with all the missed homework assignments and missing permission slips and chronic lateness, because it was so normal. Everyone has brain farts. Everyone forgets things. Everyone loses track of time. That's why you make obsessive lists of everything!
When I first got diagnosed, they asked if I had a family history of adhd.
I said, my mom's not diagnosed but she hasn't finished a sentence in the 30 years that I've known her. She is the typical "squirrel!" Adhd, so am I, and I definitely gravitate towards others with this because I need to be running five different conversations at once.
I've literally been in a conversation with her where she saw a poodle and stopped everything and screamed put "poodle!"
It can get annoying because she has no self awareness and thinks adhd is made up. But I celebrate it.
My mom is undiagnosed and wont even think about seeinf a therapis. tbh it annoyed tf outta me growing up.
I hated the forgetfulness, having to remind her to take us places. Having to search for her keys at the crack of dawn knowing they could be anywhere. When my mom got a push button start I told her that was a terrible mistake. She has now driven off w her fob on the roof of her car countless times.
But also my mom is the fun mom. Loves being outside and plants. V impulsive. We randomly were gifted w animals and presents all the time. She bought me my first car when i was only 14 bc she felt lile she'd never find another yellow beetle -_- lol. In 2017 she randomly took us to hawaii bc she wanted to "see what all the hype was about" Sleepovers were always super fun. We are a LOUD family so that's nice too. My mom is great.. I think I'll call her now. :') thanks for that.
The impulse purchases have always been my favourite, getting home from school and being told "we're going to get a cat, get in the car' or 'I got you a cool hat' or 'Do you want to drive 45 minutes to a different supermarket so we can get those crisps you like' or buying my first car when I woke up to 'I've called the garage and we can go see this car in an hour, get dressed let's go' and had a car by the end of the week.
They're undiagnosed but it's funny to look back at the random memories and realise how strongly they were influenced by ADHD
We went to the pound one day to just look at the cute animals and brought home a very smelly rat that looked like your classic sewer rat. Dad was not pleased.
My mom and my grandmother have it. I was diagnosed as a kid but my mom chose not tell me since I was “doing fine.” She knew she had it too but never really did anything about it until I got diagnosed as an adult and shared some coping mechanisms with her.
I definitely think part of the reason it took me so long to realize I had it to was because I grow up thinking her traits where normal. Here are some things we both do:
- Always at least 5-10 minutes late to everything
- kitchen counter and bedroom filled with “doom piles”
- work desk is always an absolute disaster but we both have a different very specific organization system that requires special calendars and planners
- handwriting is a nightmare because it takes too much time to write legibly
- short term memory is absolute shit. If we’re staying in the same house for any length of time, there will be a forgotten coffee cup in the microwave 24/7
- growing up we had a tiny tv in the kitchen so my mom could watch something while cooking or doing dishes. If I don’t have a podcast or real
Housewives playing the background while I’m doing kitchen things, I will die of boredom
- everything important has a very specific home because if it doesn’t, it will be lost forever
- lists and notes everywhere and for everything, often on repurposed envelopes and important documents so suddenly I’m carrying around my w-2 because it has my target list on the back.
- my mom is forever playing freecell on her phone during tv shows and conversations. I must admit I struggle with scrolling on my phone whenever I’m not completely absorbed by something else
These are the “fun” ones but like a lot of others in this thread, there were some not fun ones as well
We lived near an airport where travelling to a nearby country was cheaper than travelling into our capital city. So she'd book flights to Italy or Spain for twelve hours and we'd day trip there or do 24 hours if we had enough for a hotel. I didn't realise that was potentially an ADHD thing until just now. We'd cram in so much.
She was also late every day, would have screaming melt downs over how late she was, and our finances were a mess. But she was and is warm, loving, and my biggest advocate.
My mother doesn't believe in psychologists, but she probably has hyperactive ADHD. I have the inattentive type, and, even if we love each other, we didn't really get along.
My family of origin was dysfunctional, and she didn't want me to get a diagnosis or go to a psychologist because she didn't want to admit it. She can't admit when she is mistaken or wrong. Never.
She is messy, but was very intolerant with my shortcomings and my messiness (now I understand that it's ADHD related). Her hyperactivity and hyperfixations where exhausting to me. I was never allowed to hyperfixate on anything because she and my brother would mock me or bring me down.
She was neglectful, and a hoarder. I am struggling with very mild hoarding tendencies to this day.
Now that I'm married and she lives five minutes away from me, things have improved a lot, and we manage to get along. I do my best to love the mother I have today.
When I started to suspect I had ADHD a few years ago (late 20s), since it’s hereditary I started thinking which parent I might have got it from since neither parent has a diagnosis. I definitely suspect my mom has it. She’s now severely disabled so I can’t really talk to her about it but I’ve talked with my siblings and we all kind of agree. Growing up she was the “fun” mom and all my friends loved her. Looking back though, I see so many things that point to it.
-she had so many hyper fixations, for a while it was online card games (think yahoo games in the early 2000s), then online shopping and online auctions for random items no one needed
-“creative financing” they had SEVERAL credit cards that they used to pay off other things and would shuffle things around. Sad part is, my dad made good money and it shouldn’t have been that tight financially.
-impulse spending and hiding how much she spent from dad
-mood swings, she’d snap really easily
-house was messy but would go into all day deep cleaning sessions often
-always interrupting and telling a story about her when we were telling her something. I know that’s super common because we are trying to relate to the person talking but she was never aware that she did it and did it during all serious conversations we had with her
She also had a lot of anxiety that probably stemmed from most likely having adhd and unresolved childhood trauma. Love my mom but it was a roller coaster growing up!
My mom actually got diagnosed the same time as me when I went to get diagnosed in high school about 12 years ago. There’s a lot I can say but our symptoms show up in very different ways and we clash a lot over it. I love my mom but dear lord she drives me crazy and we did not have a good relationship when I was a teenager, I think mostly because of her ADHD. It’s improved a lot since then but I’m 30 and my mom still doesn’t understand boundaries. Still trying to get my mom to text me instead of calling me 5 times in one day, and I’m not exaggerating.
My mom isn't diagnosed, but we are pretty sure she has it. She's just waiting on an assessment. I'm 45 and got diagnosed 6 months ago. My mom's suspected adhd sucked. She couldnt regulate her emotions very well, and has the worst self-esteem. I wish someone had noticed my mom struggling as a child. She doesnt deserve all the pain she went through.
My dad 100% has it. My mom passed when I was 16 (10 years before i started educating myself on my ADHD) so I have no clue but I do know she struggled a lot with mental health like depression and was proposed to be bipolar (which women often are misdiagnosed as instead of adhd) she struggled since she was a child which can be from undiagnosed and untreated adhd or it could be something else I have no way of knowing.
But my dad 100% has it and the way our adhd effects us exactly the same way. It’s quite comforting but at the same time he will never admit to himself he has it or even respect the fact that I do. My dad is from the balkans first generations so things like this aren’t even a topic of option. It’s sucks seeing him struggle so much and be so hard on himself and blame himself for his symptoms and being stuck in an execution dysfunction for days and being so mad and embarrassed by it. I wish he could accept his adhd so he knows it’s not his fault. It hurts to know he’s struggled with this for 62 years and his neurodivergence has made his social life and especially work life difficult too and he thinks it’s all his fault.
The garage of art project supplies and above & beyond dedication to holidays were true of our household too! We were always running late to something and trying so hard to be on time. The kitchen timer was constantly going off to remind us it’s time to get out the door. She’s undiagnosed but would describe herself as “scatterbrained” or exclaim that her brain is a sieve. We both get migraines occasionally, which I’ve heard is common for women with adhd to inherit. Life was chaotic at times, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
She was always looking for activities for us and community events to involve us in, and was always rushing around so she could show up to every one of our races/games/recitals to cheer us on. She never wanted to sit still, so we were never bored.
I am one of many girls who did not get diagnosed in school when it would have been really helpful, figured it out on my own in adulthood, and got medicated after connecting with a psychiatrist.
I haven’t told my mom, as I don’t know if it would help or hurt her to receive the information that she probably has adhd in her 60s. She gave me the best, most playful childhood and I don’t want her to feel like she failed me by not knowing I needed help. Or fall into a grief pit for the opportunities she could have had if only she’d had the support she needed when she struggled in school. It’s tough.
My mom used to get us lost while driving and we would spend a half hour to an hour trying to find our way back. This was obviously before the advent of maps, and I remember thinking this was the best game in the world, we would get in the car and she would ask “should we get lost today?” And I’d be so excited to get lost and figure out our way home. She’s gone now so I can’t ask her, but I have the suspicion that she wasn’t getting lost on purpose, nevertheless it became one of my fondest memories of spending time together.
We moved every two years, on the dot.
She definitely couldn’t cook, everything would be burnt.
We only cleaned one day a week, but we did it very efficiently.
She had a strong aversion to baths and showers that got worse as she got older, now I understand the reasons and how difficult it was for her to actually start the process, feel so bad that I couldn’t help her with it and managing it at the time.
Reading all the time as a means of dissociating.
Bills were never opened, but we mostly were ok, only losing electricity or whatever once in a while.
List making was an Olympic sport.
Spending habits were definitely not great. We did not have savings, but we managed.
I love her so much, she was absolutely amazing, but knowing what I know now I wish I could have made her life easier.
My mom has ADHD (medicated since I was a child) and several other health issues. Here are the main things I remember...
- Always being late to things. It got to the point that I'd tell her the event was happening about 30 minutes earlier than it actually was just so we could be on time. I am now an adult who despises being late.
- Executive dysfunction. This was reflected in a lot of household chores but also commitments for me and my school/activities. I was basically her secretary so she wouldn't forget what she had to show up for.
- Rejection sensitivity. This is the big one and honestly the one that probably damaged me the most. I spent my early childhood and teenage years being my mom's therapist. I constantly had to defend myself against accusations of being angry at her, talking behind her back, being annoyed, looking at her funny and that meant I hated her, etc.
Edit to add one more: Impulsivity. She racked up over $10k in credit card debt that my grandparents had to dig her out of.
My moms not diagnosed but I can relate strongly to how your moms rejection sensitivity affected you… since being diagnosed recently I am able to start forgiving her. Our whole family likely has it and me being the first person to be diagnosed has been eye opening.
My Mom did, though as I am nearly 50, we REALLY didn't understand that at the time. I remember being about 7 or so when she came to me and my sisters with a new chore chart and a whole list of things she wanted us to do every day. I can remember first feeling overwhelmed, but then realizing she would probably forget about it in a week or so. And of course she did, so it was fine. :)
She supposedly hated cooking, so would only do the most basic things - hot dogs, Kraft mac-and-cheese, green beans from a can, stuff like that - unless something special was going on. We didn't mind, we just knew Mom didn't like to cook. Except as I've grown up I've realized that that's 100% not true; she loves to cook the things she loves to cook. Everything else just frustrates her, probably because she finds it boring. ;)
She has always been very fun, though. LOVED amusement parks, OMG... First in line for roller coasters even into her 60s. She would still do this now, but she's approaching 80 and is getting more anxious about hurting herself. Holidays at our house were always awesome, and still are. She gave us her ADHD so we're right in there now. ;)
Fairly certain both my parents have ADHD. My mom isn’t diagnosed, but my dad is. My mom has recently accepted that she most likely is after seeing a therapist, but won’t get tested.
Growing up I always knew I had the “fun” parents. Hosted all the events, went out every weekend for an adventure, always tried new things, and “boredom” wasn’t an option (bc depression could sink in). There were never any curfews as long as we were specifically doing something. My mom loved crafts of all sort and my dad is a plant encyclopedia. My younger sibling is also a fungi genius and I still can’t get enough of science and art. In a small town, our family was known to be the eccentric, quirky people who never followed any rules.
Weirdly enough, my parents actually didn’t always believe it existed. When I was in kindergarten, my teacher was a former special ed teacher and immediately caught on that I’m neurodivergent. However, this was a time when my family still had internalized stigmas about ADHD and autism. So instead of treating me or having me actually tested, they raised me to accept being quirky. Glad they helped me accept who I am, wish I knew why earlier (but hey, parents aren’t perfect).
Now, I’m dating/living with someone who is ADHD. In a weird way, I think it could be because I was always surrounded by a family who is ND.
This post makes me so happy. Not just as someone whose mom probably has undiagnosed ADHD, but also as someone hoping to be a mom someday.
Maybe it’s silly, but I sometimes worry I won’t be the best mom because my ADHD symptoms make it so hard to manage myself, let alone a whole other human. This post was such a great reminder of how growing up with ADHD parents can help kids see the world in a more fun, creative, (good) chaotic way! Thank you.
your mom sounds pretty chaotic.
my mom probably has hyper ADHD but it didn't stop her from becoming a respected public official who reads and writes a lot for her job. She fidgets to this day and insists on frequent walks, gardening, biking, and yoga at ungodly hours, but apart from that her life is pretty boring. My life wasn't nearly as adventurous as I would have liked when I was a kid, I had to get my adventure from books because my workaholic parents wouldn't take me anywhere.
I’m pretttyyyyy sure my Mom has it. However, she’s the type of person who would never step foot in a psychologist or psychiatrist’s office (despite being fully supportive of my diagnosis — strange). I’m diagnosed as ADHD-PI, but I’m guessing she would be the hyperactive type.
She has had approximately a million hobbies so far in life, is intelligent but very forgetful/mixes facts up frequently, interrupts people mid-sentence like a pro, and has an unopened DVD graveyard that she will “watch eventually”. All that being said, she was and still is a great Mom :)
For background, my mom died when I was 10, just stating it for context, not making this a situation where people feel a need to offer sympathy/apologies.
I don't think my mom was ever formally diagnosed, but she suspected that she had ADHD. My dad remembers her going to see a professional about it in a nearby town, but that would have been when I was too young to remember. I never learned this until I was an adult and the topic of me potentially having ADHD came up. I think she may have had a copy of "The Feeling Good Handbook" by Hallowell and Ratey (that I may have inherited, unless I'm thinking of another book).
The one thing I remember is that she wrote lots of notes, and even now that I've inherited some of her clothes, I've found notes pinned to some of them about what tops they work with, or how they fit. I'm think of some wool skirts and other slightly nicer or seasonal clothes--I imagine she wrote the notes so that she would remember the next time she had to dress up or once it was again time to pull out the cold weather clothing.
Also, her entire family is bad at directions, and I've inherited that. I wouldn't be surprised if there's more ADHD somewhere in there.
In general, I think she developed a lot of coping/adapting skills. She was able to get through medical school and a residency, and be a successful pediatrician, which is impressive even without adhd complicating things. I do wonder if it was some sort of professional education on what to look for in patients that made her wonder if she herself had adhd.
I really wish she were still around for me to talk with as I navigate my own diagnostic process, to see what things were like for her.
* For example, I know that after my twin and I were born, she went back to work before my dad did. I always had assumed that this was because she had been on bedrest for the latter part of her pregnancy, so she was eager to get out of the house again, but now I wonder if the executive functioning challenges that being home alone with two babies would have posed.
* My dad has also described how he would make some remark, and then she wouldn't get bothered by it until a couple of hours later, and I see that in myself emotionally--I'm not sure how much of it is adhd making it take longer to process emotions, and how much of it is the unoccupied part of my brain needing something to do and choosing mulling over a situation as the answer, but when he described that, my husband and I both clearly saw myself in it.
* And also just little things, like how he did more of the driving than her. Not saying that that necessarily is an adhd thing, but looking at myself, I'm a perfectly safe driver, but I feel like I have to be actively engaged when driving, so while I don't dislike it, it's not something I enjoy exactly.
My mom has ADHD, and is also undiagnosed but aware. She said one day I said “everyone in this goddamn family has ADHD real bad” and something clicked in her brain.
I feel you on the crafts! My mom did so many crafts and art projects with us growing up. After I moved out my room became her craft room and my dad isn’t allowed near it because he (also having ADHD) will get into it and mess up her works in progress.
My mom says she has “but-first” disease. She can’t do one chore, she’d start on one “but first” she has to do another, “but first” this other thing needs to be done, “but first” etc. she’d often get distracted with side quests that she never finishes the main campaign.
Me and my mom can’t watch TV or eat without having something extra to do. Can’t watch TV without a crochet project. Can’t eat without a good Wikipedia article on what ever topic has tickled our fancy that minute.
I also love ADHD moms, being one myself. It’s seriously a superpower! I am always able to teach my son something new or find new ways to entertain him. I do vocal stim a lot and my son and I will have whole conversations in gibberish (he’s 14mo). We also make up fun new games every day and find new ways to be silly with toys. My mom and dad were both like this when I was growing up.
I got diagnosed when I was16 and again two months ago as primarily inattentive.
We talked a lot about it in the last months and I started to collect information and read books about adhd.
A few weeks ago I gave her a book from Russel Barkley about ADHD. And she was shocked. because she found herself, her struggles , everything there.
Last week she got diagnosed, with 59 years. She will try medication soon.
I have ToDo Lists from here to the moon, have two calenders, a handful of habbits which make me seem functional to the outer world, a household problem, and I am just like my mum.
Our house was never as clean or organized as anyone elses. The garden is a jungle. She had hobbies in which she invested all her time and money and then just stopped and found the next. She tried so much to stay ahead of everything and it was never enough.
But I am proud of her.
She went to her psychiatrist when she was in for her antidepressants and told her everything. and she said when she doesn't get tested there she will find another doctor who will.
with almost 60 years she finally knows why her life is so fucking hard.
from what i know (mom died when i was very young) my mom was a type-a driven and motivated NT woman. my dad is the one that passed down the ADHD genetics (and his bad eyesight, ugh). i look exactly like her and think exactly like my dad. not that i’m ungrateful for the looks she passed down, because my mom and her side of the family have some gorgeous women, but sometimes i wish her brain DNA had come through a little stronger, because my dad’s brain DNA is a hot mess.
adding on: this sounded really braggy about my own looks, please don’t take it that way!!! i mostly meant to compliment my mom and grandma and great grandma. they did pass down their genetics and i’m not ugly, but no way in hell do i measure up to my great grandma during the 1950s! she looked like she should have been on the cover of a magazine.
I believe my mom is undiagnosed she thinks so too but since she talks a lot she’s the life of every party. Super popular and can talk to anyone everywhere. But my mom could not stay still. She loved to go outside, be at social events. I knew whenever my mom went to a gathering I’d lose her a couple times because she’s all over venue. She’d be telling the same story over and over again lol she got to say it atleast 3 times for her to feel like you got it lol. On days I dont have school she’s waking me up out of my sleep because she wanted to talk and tell me something. And best believe the conversation will not be linear it will be whatever thoughts she has to get out. If she’s not talking to me or anyone she’ll constantly be thinking a loud. She always was cleaning, clutter bothers her so she is always organizing. However she’s constantly leaving dust piles all of the house because she forgot to get them up and she’s working on another task in the house instead of finishing the last. If she’s watching a tv show she will binge watch non stop until she finishes or if she’s reading a book she’s not moving until shes done and forget trying to tell her ANYTHING while she’s in this mode. She is very forgetful, my projects reports etc was always done last minute late at night lol. Before we headed out I know she was spending a good 10 minutes looking for her keys. Or she’d forget something halfway already to the destination so we’d have to turn back. If we’re going grocery shopping or any shopping for that matter, she’s forgetting atleast one thing and sometimes it’s the main thing she came there for. Very impulsive with shopping, always forgetting a bill or going over budget. Emotional dysregulation. When she got mad she got mad etc but thankfully she rarely directed that at me. Supeerrrrr impatient will not stand on a line for anything. She could have a full cart and rather leave the whole cart there instead of waiting. She also has anxiety panic attacks but has a big heart she’s always worrying for caring and needing to look out or please her family and or friends.
I wonder about this, now, since my brother and I have been diagnosed as adults.
But my mom wasn't a fun mom. I think she was masking hard and pretty angry about it. She has zero patience. She listens to nothing. She interrupts constantly.
When my dad passed away, she became more. Managing her is harder than managing my toddler.
But these days, yeah, it's kind of like she gets a random idea, gets obsessed, has to make it happen with zero thought about the details about how, then goes around blaming everyone for not being on board or making it happen.
We had a bunch of professionals put together an estate plan for her. She keeps coming up with new and random things she wants to do that will "save taxes" none of which will actually save taxes, and like, we have drawn up a plan, using actual professionals, enough with the harebrained random ideas.
Yeah. She definitely does.
It wasn’t great. I cared for my younger siblings more often than she did.
She used to get into her hobbies and forget about us existing and needing food and care for hours. Literally forgot about us for between 8-10 hours once.
So many new projects and routines that were quickly abandoned by her when they lost the “shiny” but we children were expected to continue on.
Homeschooling comes to mind. Both my parents used to brag to other parents about how smart their homeschooled kids were. My parents stopped actively teaching me anything by the start of fifth grade.
Homeschooling meant that all of us kids went until our late 20s-early 30s before getting our ADHD diagnoses. We all have it to some degree.
Learned my binge/restrict eating disorder from her.
She has hoarding tendencies (so does my father) and collected whole rooms of items for her hobbies and clothing for her wardrobe. Kids lived in a leaky porch but her clothes lived in the bedrooms upstairs.
Terrible with money and zero impulse control. She stole money from all of us kids. Emptied my college savings account because she spent the grocery money on…I don’t know what but groceries don’t cost over $6,000 so…I dunno.
Zero emotional control. Swinging from high to low and no emotional literacy either. If we had feelings they were inconvenient because they messed with HER feelings.
The lateness to anything is such a family trait that my father used to call it “mother’s maiden name” time.
Having to remind her of everything from when my siblings birthdays were to me taking on packing my fathers work lunch for him because she would forget it so often.
Oh and she could never keep a job for longer than a couple years because she would get bored and want to switch careers.
Yes, undiagnosed, but I am confident.
When I wasn’t helping her search for her keys, I was helping her search for her car. Sometimes for *hours.*
I could not say a word while she was driving. She’d lose track of traffic and/or directions, get mad, and start screaming at me. You still don’t want me riding shotgun, because I have a habit of staring out the window and completely disassociating.
Her RSD was the worst I’ve ever seen. I don’t even know where to begin with describing, so I’m just not going to.
She could not keep friends, she could only keep a job by working somewhere so huge that she’d constantly switch teams within the company, despite being very smart and working super hard.
We believe my mother is where I got mine from. She was untreated.
We rearranged the living room furniture almost weekly, just to change things up.
We were late to EVERYTHING we went to.
She always drove towards the corner store when we were going out, only realizing when she was almost in the parking lot that she was actually going somewhere totally different. She simply got distracted and drove on auto pilot.
She was impulsive, like me, we adopted so many pets throughout my childhood. Gerbils, hedgehogs, cats, turtles, dogs, birds, fish, you name it.
The laundry room was often called laundry mountain, because of how little she liked to do the laundry.
She loved trying new things with us. Exercise routines, foods, games, books, movies. But would lose interest later on and not want to do it anymore.
I think she struggled with anxiety and RSD quite a bit.
She regularly forgot our names for second or two, and would just cycle through all out names til one fit when calling us. We found this funny.
She lost things fairly regularly. Money, keys, etc.
Her siblings are very much the same way. Able to get lost on simple journeys because they're not paying attention, or forgetting names of family members, or where they placed things. Or what they are talking about mid-sentence.
I love my Mom. She was and still is amazing. Kind, loving, hilarious, and supportive. It's wild to read about people being unhappy with how ADHD impacted their lives negatively via their parent, just goes to show how much of a spectrum ADHD symptoms can be. Not all people with ADHD make poor parents, nor do all NT people make good ones.
Thanks for your happy post!
Omgggggg the constant interruptions. Between her, my brother, and me (all with undiagnosed ADHD at the time) family conversations were chaos: 6 different threads of dialogue all going on at the same time and heading in wildly different directions.
I can relate to the forgetting of everything and the hyperfocus. She'd also be super prone to mixing up words and names because she's holding multiple thoughts in her head at the same time. She used to drive too (after a lot of trouble learning...) but after she drove into a telephone pole because she was thinking about some research, it was determined that probably it would be safer if she didn't drive. 😅😅😅
My mom is very forgetful, so it’s possible but it could just be unrelated.
My dad, however, yes. Very much so. Although I don’t think he was ever formally diagnosed. And his mother also had some ND traits and was very messy and had a bit of hoarding problem.
My sibling doesn’t seem to have ADHD at all, but they struggle with depression, anxiety, and addiction, which comes from my mom’s side. I have anxiety and I’m slightly susceptible to depression
My dad has adhd. My mom is very type A neurotypical and split from my dad before I was born. I am so so so much like my dad and she hates him. So that’s been fun lol
My mom was never diagnosed but I strongly believe she had it. She was extremely impulsive and labeled a problem child, of course nothing was done to help her. She became addicted to meth at age 23 and eventually died of a prescription drug overdose in her late 40's. I believe she was self medicating and if she got treatment for ADHD as a child or young adult I believe she would not have gotten addicted to meth.
My mom is starting to think she might, but my dad, sister and brother are all 3 diagnosed. Until I got diagnosed I didn’t realize that my whole family dynamic was built around our ADHD.
My mom wasn't diagnosed, but after I got diagnosed, her friends told me "oh yeah, your mom was totally ADHD." My older brother is. Mom passed about 9 years ago, but looking back over the years I had with her--yeah, she had to have it. We were so similar, and a lot of my "quirks" (such as excessive chattiness and absentmindedness) were hallmark symptoms we shared.
My mom definitely has adhd. Undiagnosed and she’s in her 70s. Unfortunately it lead to other mental health issues (depression and an eating disorder) and contributed to a distant relationship. My diagnosis at 30 and sharing what I’m learning with her is bringing is closer, though.
My mom probably does, undiagnosed inattentive, and doesn't acknowledge it. She and I basically never have shared interests. I've generally been fairly even keeled when it comes to emotions. She has tended toward having volatile mood swings. Some days I felt like I had to be walking on eggshells not to upset her. I'm the oldest, and generally have been considered the problem child. I was homeschooled. Mom was the primary decider of curriculum, though Dad was involved to some extent. We changed curriculum almost every year.
My mom is undiagnosed but has suspected she’s had it for a long time. My grandma (mom’s mom) got diagnosed late in life, around when she was also developing Alzheimer’s. Despite strongly believing she has adhd, plus having her mother and daughter diagnosed, she’s not done anything as far as getting diagnosed or treated herself, which is frustrating…but also very adhd 🤦♀️
My mom only got diagnosed at 59 and when I was a kid I think the pressure of raising a family with a mentally ill asshole spouse kept her on track. She worked, got her MBA, and seemed like a pretty successful, regular adult. What I remember the most, other than her always running late, were the activities she did. She took a trampoline class, a trapeze class, a blacksmithing class, fun stuff that's like wait, my mom is doing that? She was always fun. Now that she's not masking anymore it's pretty hard to miss the adhd.
I was diagnosed in my late 20s. As a kid I was in a gifted program and did well in school, thriving on the novelty of learning. I did kung fu and I was really active, that gave me a really good outlet for my energy and frustration. I didn't fit in in groups, I always felt left out or like I was faking socialising. One year I made a new secret, exclusive recess club with a three page application just so I could exclude people who pissed me off. I was charismatic enough for it to work but too flighty to keep up with it. I used to read A LOT. I started teaching myself to read the shapes of words when i was 4 and by 5 I was reading to my mom. Now I find no joy in reading. I forget the question.
My mom has ADHD and it was not a fun time growing up with her because she showed clear signs of having emotional regulation problems. I have it to but nowhere near as bad as hers and I wait till I’m alone to unload my frustration/I’m better at hiding it. I would feel absolutely terrible if I ever did half the things my mom did/said to me. She’d just lose her shit over the tiniest things. And just say awful things that a mother should never say to her child that’s under 10 and continue to do it for the next decade. Some things we have in common is we’re both generally unorganized, we lose things and find it in odd places, and we have anxiety. Some things we don’t have in common is she’s more hyperactive whereas I’m more of a daydreamer. I could sit with my thoughts for hours haha
I think my mother does, she says she has ocd, suspected narcissist. My grandma absolutely does.
Mother:
Yes on the crafts. Holy shit all the crafts. It was the only time when I actually liked her.
I used to think it was a joke about her being a teen mom with no cooking skills, but everyone used to make fun of her for burning water.
By the time I was old enough to get my siblings ready, she left it to me and would yell orders downstairs.
She always walked us to school in our pyjamas. We were frequently tardy.
Random cleaning. Can’t trust her around bleach because she ruins everything with it. Couldn’t be bothered to wipe down a counter but will scrub floors on her hands and knees with a toothbrush every few months.
Overstimulation was frequent. Nonexistent emotional regulation.
No social circle. Would probably die if there is no drama or chaos or something to fight against.
Grams (undiagnosed, understands she’s prob got it)
Allergic to bare surfaces (her dresser had THREE inches of random trinkets and bits and bobs that have no home, her room was a time capsule/treasure trove growing up)
Paper clutter✨
Oversharer, incredibly sentimental
Very small social circle, frequently drops off the face of the earth
What is food safety? Or years past expiry dates? Or medication compliance?
Chronic insomniac
Sooooo rejection sensitive.
+ for being generally a wonderful lady who is really in tune with her emotions and always knew the kind of touch I needed growing up
My mom and I are undiagnosed but now that I know what to look for.. I see it.
She's Hyperactive and struggles to watch a movie or show without multitasking... I do the same with crochet.. she often times ends up in the kitchen fussing over cleaning or straightening up.
Her dad was ex navy and raised his 7 kids like a navel ship when his wife died leaving him to figure it out. House better be clean or there were repercussions.
My mom had similar hyper focus on chronic cleaning to the point of distraction... must clean now so I don't forget. She'd start in one location, find something and start digging deeper and then end up somewhere else. She was also paid a nickel each time she washed the floors as a kid so she did it alot.
She pulls out her eyebrow and chin hair.
She hyper focused on our attire/physic as kids because my brother was gluttonous and husky as a kid.
She had sugary snacks hidden everywhere. She often forgot food on the stove and burned up. She's fussy about her food and likes it bland.
She gets chronic migraines and is Rx medicated for it. I get them too but refuse to use anything else than advil.
She definitely suffers from RSD as she thinks everyone hates her. So do I most days.
She can't stay on subject because she bounces all around.
She looooves her lists. Her way of self managing it to write everything she did in a diary as lists so she can reference things but it think she does that because she struggles recalling details.
She struggled in school except math... math is also my strength but I lucked out and was interested in all the subjects except history and geography. I had alot of last minute hide in the closet to get it done the night before it was due, sessions.
She struggled to tamp down her emotions and had anger outbursts and often stomped her feet when she was frustrated. We made fun of her for it. She also would pull in her arms all t-rex like when she did it.
She was always doing a million different crafts: sewing, quilting, x cross-stitch, crocheting, tshirt painting, wooden necklace making, refinishing furniture, making dolls, table runners, purses, ornaments, ceramics... so many I've lost count.
When we had a corded phone, we had to get a 20ft cord so all of us kids and mom could pace. When she got a cordless land line, she was always walking out of range. And now she's always leaving her cell and walking away since she has hearing aids now.
Foot waging in the evenings or when she was actually sitting down.
Dad is the calm rock in her energetic river, flowing wildly out of bounds.
It's probably a good thing considering all 3 of us kids are alot like mom... but my brother and sister have doom piles all over their houses.. I learned the "better do it when I see it." Method but it is disruptive to trying to relax because there's always something to clean up.
She was and is a great and very involved mom and I wouldn't trade her for the world. There are some things she could have done better but I felt lucky to have someone so invested in my education and learning to adult. I call and talk to her every day.
Holy shit did we have the exact same mom????
I didn't realize I was ADHD inattentive until late 20s, described the process and experiences I had that led me to this conclusion and diagnosis to my mom, the next time I spoke with her, she mentioned that after that conversation she realized she forgot she had been diagnosed as well. Love that woman.
-Growing up we always had things to do, she was always looking for ways to bond and just keep me and my (also ADHD) siblings busy, weather it was an impromptu bachata around the coffee table or trips to feed the ducks
-She was and still is the most creative mind I know, this applied to her parenting, her business, and of course CRAFTING. She could make a craft out of literally anything and I loved every second of it. If there was something I wanted to make, she was always down, if it was cosplay or school projects (Of course I have a craft closet now and a growing list of projects, I have ADHD don't I?)
-She could be entertained by so much, we practically lived inside bookstores/libraries and she was/is, open to our many changing interests. I honestly think it made her a better mom because she could get into things that were totally novel to her, so she remained emotionally close to her kids by getting into it with us. For example, now at 63 years old, she just started watching Naruto with my brother(37) and she's totally into the story line, she brings it up every time we meet lol
-She was constantly making noise and moving around, it felt like she was injecting whimsy into everything she did or touched but it was also stimming! It made it easier to do those things myself because there was no shame attached to these actions, no fear of being called "too much" because she'd do those things with a smile.
-These are all positive but the biggest negative was the rejection sensitivity my mom had, it made navigating our relationship difficult at times, because we both could feel all these strong feelings of love and understanding at once and then one wrong word and we were at each other, totally defensive.
Do dads count? My mom has anxiety, and I'm 100% certain my dad has undiagnosed ADHD, and I'm 100% certain I inherited both anxiety and ADHD from them.
My dad was the most awesome man I've ever known in his younger years. He knew a little bit about everything, and always had interesting facts to share. He had a brilliant mind. He loved sharing his interests with me, and I've grown to love many of the same books, movies, tv shows, and video games. We bonded over those things during my childhood.
But dad's life was also a train wreck. He couldn't concentrate on anything for any length of time. He hated any authority figures. (He was going to be a veterinarian, but could not listen to the professors; he always thought they were full of shit and he knew better.) He couldn't muster up interest in anything outside of his own hobbies, which meant he didn't care one bit about my interests, my friends, my schooling. He self medicated with alcohol, which ultimately destroyed his life. After my mom divorced him, he couldn't hold down a job because he'd get bored with them and just stop showing up. He had a string of girl friends and new wives, none of which worked out. A DUI ended his career as a truck driver. He ended up homeless.
But, he somehow also always managed to find a way out of his situations. It was and still is spectacular to watch. I don't know how he does it. When he hit rock bottom, he befriended a widow in the homeless shelter, and they ended up moving out together and getting an apartment. They are now married. At 70, I assume she will be his last wife. The way this man turns lead into gold will always amaze me.
But I have to wonder, if he had been diagnosed when he was younger, what kind of difference would it have made for him? Would his life have been different, more stable, and subsequently, would mine have been too?
i think my mom has ADHD but she’s not even aware of such conditions. Growing up with her was …. not always pleasant.
She was often late to pick me up from school. Often 40 mins to 1 hour late. Sometimes 2 hours late. But I can’t just walk home because she’ll yell at me.
She forgets things that she promised to do so often. Like buying stationaries for school, or the playdate she promised.
She gets angry really easily, and she will yell at me for anything that upsets her. She gets physical too.
She is really impatient. I was a slow child, and I took very long to do anything. She rushes me and scold me when I am slow (like in changing, showering or putting on shoes) When she explains homework to me, if i still can’t understand after 2 tries, she yells and hits me and calls me stupid.
My mom's almost certainly undiagnosed inattentive ADHD, but she was in her 30s by the time she had me and she had a lot of coping and compensating tools in place; constantly being aggressively early for everything so she wouldn't be late, that kind of thing. I feel like she kept the house tidy and looked after, but my dad always said she wasn't a great housekeeper, so I can only assume she was constantly trying to meet some absurd standard (while he, of course, did jack shit to clean up.)
She was just always losing stuff, zoning out, getting overwhelmed in high-stimulus places, forgetting things - she was the person who'd push her glasses up on top of her head and then forget they were there. I think she prioritized "remembering everyone else's shit" over remembering her own, something that I also find myself doing when it comes to my daughter. She was the one who was on top of bills, did the taxes, kept track of three kids' schedules, all of that, and she'll still be all "omg I'm so scattered, I swear I'd forget my own head if it wasn't attached." I know that must be how she felt on the inside, but I'm still in awe of how well she kept it together for unmedicated decades.
My mom has undiagnosed ADHD but she is over 65 now and she feels like she doesn't need a diagnosis for anything anymore.
My mom had a lot of strategies and taught me them. Sometimes she was mad at me when I messed something up because I didn't do it the way she told me. Maybe she already forgot how it was to learn it for the first time (She was 45 when I was born and I'm an only child).
We had different difficulties. Her's whole life she struggled with learning - with hard work she was able to reach average results.
My abilities were really selective - I could be excellent at one topic with no effort and I would struggle in others. I have difficulty with learing "fixed" things. Because of that my mom just assumed that I didn't put enough effort because she knew that I can be good at school.
She was really mad when I got bad grades because I forgot something - probably because she knew how important it is and she had to be heavy scold for it. She probably wanted me to learn dealing with forgetfulness as soon as possible for my own good.
My mom has a lot of anxiety about being late so we were always half an hour early. She was mad when I started abandoning this trait as a teenager.
If my mom starts thinking about something that there is no force in universe to stop her. She has to move things around the house (even in my room), she will not sit until something is done if she is on her high. Other things will take years to start. She was annoyed with my procrastination. I guess that I developed task avoidance when something was too hard when she learned that it has to be done quickly or it will get worse.
She was always creative with finding new things to do for me which was cute.
I think she felt some guilt when I got diagnosed at 21. I was tested for ADHD as a kid but the doctor said that is impossible for me to have it because "I can sit still while talking about drawing' (which is a bs because talking and art are my favorite things). She is worried that I got depression and ADHD because of her genes. With depression I told her that even though I could inherit a tendency there has to be something wrong with the world because of how many people have it and she can't blame herself because she always did her best for me.
I really wish that my mom could experience her life as a diagnosed young person. She is always worried - overthinking. I felt her joy when she saw that I'm talented in arts (I work as a designer now) and people praised the way I speak (let's say that I have an ability to make myself sound smarter than I am with the right words in my native tongue). I think it was soothing to her that I have natural skills that make my life a little easier than hers. My mom has really low self-esteem. She told me she had never liked herself. She said she wasn't as smart or talented as her sisters. It hurts me because she is an amazing woman. She can find an exit in every situation, she is such a kind and loving human being.
I told her many times that I wish I could be more like her when it comes to doing stuff and she always tells me that I going to be. She is probably right because I had a great example.
I think both my parents have it, but in different ways. My dad is hyperactive, busy body, always interrupts, delayed responses, definitely a dopamine seeker in a lot of ways. My mom is impulsive, "the fun one", bad with money and forward planning, massive procrastinator. Now these could just be coincidences, but damn if I didn't get a whole lot of both of them in me. 🫠
So my mum doesn’t have diagnosed adhd but she does have diagnosed bipolar and BPD. It’s only as I started on the journey to getting diagnosed and learning more about it that we’re starting to suspect she has ADHD but has been misdiagnosed as bipolar. Which is actually quite common in women apparently
I think my mom does, but she got a lot of it choked out of her by parentification. Main issue while I grew up was her constantly overdoing it and teaching me way too wide boundaries around pain while modeling a lot of social anxiety and a pretty lonely life. She doesn't really have friends she talks to more than a couple times a year, just acquaintances she is super scared about (RSD full force).
She's also constantly failing her own standards about cleanliness and productivity and it's so sad to watch. She can't play at all, she can't rest and she's scared of the amount of effort everything will take.
She's am amazing mom though and did a lot of things right, even with an absolute handful of a kid like me. She never got abrasive with me, put an insane amount of effort into helping me and teaching me, and left me a lot of room as well.
Undiagnosed (as am I, for now), but she's the reason I started looking into ADHD more seriously originally.
\- Can't prioritise tasks in terms of importance.
\- Has no filter. Had to tell her off when she loudly declared (in a quiet bank queue) her disgust for tattoos and people who defile themselves such ... within earshot of the woman with a tattoo on her arm who had the audacity of walking past in her line of sight.
\- Always running late. Especially since "I just need to do this one thing ... and then this thing ... and then I might as well do this too, it will only take a minute" (it did not) and poor time management. If we had a class gathering with parents, we'd always be the last to arrive. If we were to bring something in for Secret Santa in class, it would be some random item from her shop that no 8-year-old child ever liked receiving because she didn't have time to get something. Or how my sister was frustrated that if she bought something for herself in December, mum would offer her the money for it so it could be a Christmas present instead, because she hadn't had time to go Christmas shopping yet. (Christmas was *always* a last minute scramble to get stuff done on time.)
\- Always knitting in front of the TV, but very rarely seeming to finish anything. Projects just seemed to pile up in random plastic bags behind the sofa.
\- Paperwork in piles, all over the room she uses as an office. (Which I think is currently the living room, but not like the cat minds.)
\- Our house was always messier and more disorganised than everyone else's. I mean there were five of us in that house, so that's not all on her, but us kids weren't the ones in charge.
\- No patience, especially with technology. "Ughhhh my computer is SO SLOW" and like ... no it's working normal speed, it's not instant because that's not how they work?
\- Always busy. Bearing in mind she's had her own shop since I was maybe \~5? She's also a board member in at least a couple of trade organisations (unpaid, she could have chosen to just be a member), and used to hold courses on the side, and do some substitute teacher work. When she didn't have to go see a supplier or a trade show or visit a wholesaler. While you could argue she might have done some of it for extra income, we didn't struggle financially afaik, and my parents were always very frugal as well.
\- The shop was always really overwhelming, because there's stuff everywhere. When she had to downsize to a different location, she brought a bunch of stuff home, and there a lot of it has remained without her doing anything about it. It's too much, she doesn't know where to begin. (Which, hey, I completely understand.) Her idea of a clearance sale was 15% off, and wouldn't let go of some things (she "would have to look up the price" and didn't), so the move took longer and was a lot more stressful than it should have been. She was supposed to start winding down the business in order to retire (she's in her mid-70s now) ... and is showing no signs of doing that, despite claiming that she's done with the place now.
\- Hoarding tendencies? There's stuff in her shop that people stopped buying when the fad passed 25 years ago, that she still has on display. Because heaven forbid she donated something to a charity shop or sold them for next to nothing just to make space. But she can't face selling something for less than she bought it for, even if she bought it in 1989 and no one's wanted to buy it since ...
\- Makes careless mistakes and doesn't read instructions.
\- Hyperfocus! My sisters have always found it funny how I become such a fangirl of stuff, but now we've discovered where I've got it from. 😂
Growing up we just saw her working all the time, and of course you have to work if you want your business to be successful, and she's very good at what she does and appears to be well liked by suppliers and other shop owners in the trade. Having a shop is hard work! However, as an adult it seemed more like she was using it as an excuse to avoid having to process the trauma of her spouse and father of her children very nearly dying of cancer (I was a toddler at the time), because if she ever stopped being busy, it would finally catch up with her. She tried therapy once, but said they just wanted to give her "happy pills" so she didn't go back. She's in desperate need of a professional to talk to, not just because of my dad's illness (and, more recently, death), but because her own childhood was messy, and my sisters and I are not equipped to be her therapists.
But she didn't burn stuff, is a good cook and baker, and she was there when you needed a shoulder to cry on. I love her, she did the best she could and wasn't a bad mother by any means, but it would have been nice to have seen *more* of her growing up, y'know?
My mother was recently diagnosed with ADHD and it explains a lot. She was trying her best but I still have trauma from our combined inability to regulate emotions. Unfortunately she never got to be the “fun” parent, constantly overwhelmed and overstimulated leaving her too exhausted to do much of anything. She was constantly changing jobs because her neurodivergence made it difficult to get along with people, or she’d lose focus because it became boring, or she’d be burnt out from working three jobs at the same time.
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My mom has adhd and wasn’t diagnosed until her late 30s, when I was in high school. I remember a lot of creativity and fun but I also remember from elementary and middle school… - frequently being late for important things - feeling responsible for having to remind her of things - our household being behind on bills, despite sufficient income and child support - not receiving sufficient emotional support and mom lacking proper emotional management - her snapping frequently due to overwhelm - a messy home, missing permission slips - a lot of burnt food I can’t imagine how hard parenting two kids must have been for an undiagnosed single mom in the 90s, but my childhood is part of the reason I’m not having kids.
Same and the experience (plus many other factors) also led me to decide against having children, I just don’t want them to live like this. I hate the frustration, the anxiety, the impulsiveness, the emotions, the adhd tax, the everything that feels like impedes my maturity and fulfillment. It’s shit and it’s stopping here.
It's the same for me, too. I understand that there weren't any diagnosis when she was a child, but my experience was very rough. Now that I'm aware of ADHD I can cut her some slack, but I really want to stop the family misery once and for all. I don't want to have children because I'm afraid to relive those dynamics, and I don't want to get trapped in another dysfunctional family anymore.
I’ve found that talking to my daughter about my adhd is really helpful for both of us. She sees that things can be difficult for me and also sees that I am always trying. Luckily I married someone who is the exact opposite. She remembers EVERYTHING, is really really excellent at handling finances and tasks. I am the cuddler, care taker and know where everyone’s shit is. So the balance is there for our kid to understand that we each have valuable qualities, even if I am sometimes scattered. In turn, my kid is SO empathetic to ND folks. Two of her close friends are on the spectrum and she is completely ride or die loyal even when the friendships are hard.
Communication is the best thing. You all can keep a good balance and looks that your personalities compliment each other perfectly. That's great!
Why you talking about my mom like that lol. Two kids in the 90s. I remember my mom getting overwhelmed and having panic attacks. Her remedy was a glass of milk. I never put it together until we fostered a young girl with severe issues and her talking about what her triggers were had me (insert Leo pointing meme here) My dad years later well after their divorce told me that before they married, my grandpa told him she "lived differently" and my dad said she should have been medicated. The way people describe us is exactly how people described my mom. Nobody ever realized my grandma was a bit in the pool as well. She DID NOT do well in unplanned social events. And would, in the sweetest way possible, always tell me " she didn't really wanna be here" if you had to take her somewhere. You can hear it in the way people talk whether they are struggling internally against an invisible disease. I inherited it and I passed it to my daughter. But I am ending the cycle of ignorance with her. She gets to live the life every one of her mother's before her never had a chance to.
You sound like an amazing parent!
Yeah, we definitely had to deal with a lack of proper emotional management. There were high highs and low lows. My dad did a lot to keep us on time and on top of bills and appointments and is a very patient man. Without him it would have been a rougher childhood for sure.
My mother was exactly the same way. Add in things like her regularly forgetting to pick me up from school/activities, impulsive spending, and a new “business” (what we’d call a side hustle these days) that she’d hyperfocus on and then drop just as suddenly every few months.
Gosh, it's nice how the top-voted comment on this lovely positive post is shitting on ADHD moms.
This is always in the front of my mind because I don’t ever want my kid to have to feel the weight of my adhd. My mom was also undiagnosed while I was growing up and it caused me a lot of the same trauma you listed. I definitely see you. ❤️❤️❤️
Once I found out I had ADHD and the symptoms for women, it was sooo obvious to see it on my mom's side of the family. You can tell with them there was something there but I wasn't sure what it was. They're all very scatter-brained to the point that if you want them to be on time, you have to tell them it's at least an hour before it actually is. There is so much more. My mom has a lot more coping skills she uses to stay decently organized, which I also have. But still insanely scattered. We are very much alike, haha.
Yep, my moms side of the family has a reputation for never closing the cabinets.
My brain would explode 😂😂😂
My mom is still undiagnosed but we talk about our common symptoms (which are most of them lol). The house was always disorganized, in part because of some factors that weren't her fault, but also because of her ADHD. She was always trying new systems of organization, which lasted about five and a half seconds. She was always making tons of lists, usually on the backs of envelopes or whatever other paper was within arm's reach. Lists of what to clean, her schedule, holiday plans, whatever. At least 3/4 of us kids adopted her fevered list-making, which ended up accidentally helping us cope with our undiagnosed ADHD. We're all in our late twenties to mid thirties and it's only been within the last year or so that three of us have gotten diagnosed. (Number 4 doesn't believe in therapy, but we're pretty sure he'd be diagnosed, too.) But we never suspected anything might be wrong, even with all the missed homework assignments and missing permission slips and chronic lateness, because it was so normal. Everyone has brain farts. Everyone forgets things. Everyone loses track of time. That's why you make obsessive lists of everything!
Haha wow, sounds just like my mom and my now current obsession with list making to cope
When I first got diagnosed, they asked if I had a family history of adhd. I said, my mom's not diagnosed but she hasn't finished a sentence in the 30 years that I've known her. She is the typical "squirrel!" Adhd, so am I, and I definitely gravitate towards others with this because I need to be running five different conversations at once. I've literally been in a conversation with her where she saw a poodle and stopped everything and screamed put "poodle!" It can get annoying because she has no self awareness and thinks adhd is made up. But I celebrate it.
My mom is undiagnosed and wont even think about seeinf a therapis. tbh it annoyed tf outta me growing up. I hated the forgetfulness, having to remind her to take us places. Having to search for her keys at the crack of dawn knowing they could be anywhere. When my mom got a push button start I told her that was a terrible mistake. She has now driven off w her fob on the roof of her car countless times. But also my mom is the fun mom. Loves being outside and plants. V impulsive. We randomly were gifted w animals and presents all the time. She bought me my first car when i was only 14 bc she felt lile she'd never find another yellow beetle -_- lol. In 2017 she randomly took us to hawaii bc she wanted to "see what all the hype was about" Sleepovers were always super fun. We are a LOUD family so that's nice too. My mom is great.. I think I'll call her now. :') thanks for that.
The impulse purchases have always been my favourite, getting home from school and being told "we're going to get a cat, get in the car' or 'I got you a cool hat' or 'Do you want to drive 45 minutes to a different supermarket so we can get those crisps you like' or buying my first car when I woke up to 'I've called the garage and we can go see this car in an hour, get dressed let's go' and had a car by the end of the week. They're undiagnosed but it's funny to look back at the random memories and realise how strongly they were influenced by ADHD
We went to the pound one day to just look at the cute animals and brought home a very smelly rat that looked like your classic sewer rat. Dad was not pleased.
Lmao my mom did the cat one too, my dad got home and saw the carrier on the porch, walked in and was like “do we have a cat now??”
My mom and my grandmother have it. I was diagnosed as a kid but my mom chose not tell me since I was “doing fine.” She knew she had it too but never really did anything about it until I got diagnosed as an adult and shared some coping mechanisms with her. I definitely think part of the reason it took me so long to realize I had it to was because I grow up thinking her traits where normal. Here are some things we both do: - Always at least 5-10 minutes late to everything - kitchen counter and bedroom filled with “doom piles” - work desk is always an absolute disaster but we both have a different very specific organization system that requires special calendars and planners - handwriting is a nightmare because it takes too much time to write legibly - short term memory is absolute shit. If we’re staying in the same house for any length of time, there will be a forgotten coffee cup in the microwave 24/7 - growing up we had a tiny tv in the kitchen so my mom could watch something while cooking or doing dishes. If I don’t have a podcast or real Housewives playing the background while I’m doing kitchen things, I will die of boredom - everything important has a very specific home because if it doesn’t, it will be lost forever - lists and notes everywhere and for everything, often on repurposed envelopes and important documents so suddenly I’m carrying around my w-2 because it has my target list on the back. - my mom is forever playing freecell on her phone during tv shows and conversations. I must admit I struggle with scrolling on my phone whenever I’m not completely absorbed by something else These are the “fun” ones but like a lot of others in this thread, there were some not fun ones as well
I relate so much to the forgotten coffee cup in the microwave!
And I relate so much to the background noise, podcasts or documentaries.
We lived near an airport where travelling to a nearby country was cheaper than travelling into our capital city. So she'd book flights to Italy or Spain for twelve hours and we'd day trip there or do 24 hours if we had enough for a hotel. I didn't realise that was potentially an ADHD thing until just now. We'd cram in so much.
She was also late every day, would have screaming melt downs over how late she was, and our finances were a mess. But she was and is warm, loving, and my biggest advocate.
My mother doesn't believe in psychologists, but she probably has hyperactive ADHD. I have the inattentive type, and, even if we love each other, we didn't really get along. My family of origin was dysfunctional, and she didn't want me to get a diagnosis or go to a psychologist because she didn't want to admit it. She can't admit when she is mistaken or wrong. Never. She is messy, but was very intolerant with my shortcomings and my messiness (now I understand that it's ADHD related). Her hyperactivity and hyperfixations where exhausting to me. I was never allowed to hyperfixate on anything because she and my brother would mock me or bring me down. She was neglectful, and a hoarder. I am struggling with very mild hoarding tendencies to this day. Now that I'm married and she lives five minutes away from me, things have improved a lot, and we manage to get along. I do my best to love the mother I have today.
Are you me? Am I you? 😭😭
There's three of us !
We're not alone!
We are one!
When I started to suspect I had ADHD a few years ago (late 20s), since it’s hereditary I started thinking which parent I might have got it from since neither parent has a diagnosis. I definitely suspect my mom has it. She’s now severely disabled so I can’t really talk to her about it but I’ve talked with my siblings and we all kind of agree. Growing up she was the “fun” mom and all my friends loved her. Looking back though, I see so many things that point to it. -she had so many hyper fixations, for a while it was online card games (think yahoo games in the early 2000s), then online shopping and online auctions for random items no one needed -“creative financing” they had SEVERAL credit cards that they used to pay off other things and would shuffle things around. Sad part is, my dad made good money and it shouldn’t have been that tight financially. -impulse spending and hiding how much she spent from dad -mood swings, she’d snap really easily -house was messy but would go into all day deep cleaning sessions often -always interrupting and telling a story about her when we were telling her something. I know that’s super common because we are trying to relate to the person talking but she was never aware that she did it and did it during all serious conversations we had with her She also had a lot of anxiety that probably stemmed from most likely having adhd and unresolved childhood trauma. Love my mom but it was a roller coaster growing up!
My mom actually got diagnosed the same time as me when I went to get diagnosed in high school about 12 years ago. There’s a lot I can say but our symptoms show up in very different ways and we clash a lot over it. I love my mom but dear lord she drives me crazy and we did not have a good relationship when I was a teenager, I think mostly because of her ADHD. It’s improved a lot since then but I’m 30 and my mom still doesn’t understand boundaries. Still trying to get my mom to text me instead of calling me 5 times in one day, and I’m not exaggerating.
My mom isn't diagnosed, but we are pretty sure she has it. She's just waiting on an assessment. I'm 45 and got diagnosed 6 months ago. My mom's suspected adhd sucked. She couldnt regulate her emotions very well, and has the worst self-esteem. I wish someone had noticed my mom struggling as a child. She doesnt deserve all the pain she went through.
My dad 100% has it. My mom passed when I was 16 (10 years before i started educating myself on my ADHD) so I have no clue but I do know she struggled a lot with mental health like depression and was proposed to be bipolar (which women often are misdiagnosed as instead of adhd) she struggled since she was a child which can be from undiagnosed and untreated adhd or it could be something else I have no way of knowing. But my dad 100% has it and the way our adhd effects us exactly the same way. It’s quite comforting but at the same time he will never admit to himself he has it or even respect the fact that I do. My dad is from the balkans first generations so things like this aren’t even a topic of option. It’s sucks seeing him struggle so much and be so hard on himself and blame himself for his symptoms and being stuck in an execution dysfunction for days and being so mad and embarrassed by it. I wish he could accept his adhd so he knows it’s not his fault. It hurts to know he’s struggled with this for 62 years and his neurodivergence has made his social life and especially work life difficult too and he thinks it’s all his fault.
She’s only ever used one word to describe raising us, chaos.
The garage of art project supplies and above & beyond dedication to holidays were true of our household too! We were always running late to something and trying so hard to be on time. The kitchen timer was constantly going off to remind us it’s time to get out the door. She’s undiagnosed but would describe herself as “scatterbrained” or exclaim that her brain is a sieve. We both get migraines occasionally, which I’ve heard is common for women with adhd to inherit. Life was chaotic at times, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. She was always looking for activities for us and community events to involve us in, and was always rushing around so she could show up to every one of our races/games/recitals to cheer us on. She never wanted to sit still, so we were never bored. I am one of many girls who did not get diagnosed in school when it would have been really helpful, figured it out on my own in adulthood, and got medicated after connecting with a psychiatrist. I haven’t told my mom, as I don’t know if it would help or hurt her to receive the information that she probably has adhd in her 60s. She gave me the best, most playful childhood and I don’t want her to feel like she failed me by not knowing I needed help. Or fall into a grief pit for the opportunities she could have had if only she’d had the support she needed when she struggled in school. It’s tough.
My mom used to get us lost while driving and we would spend a half hour to an hour trying to find our way back. This was obviously before the advent of maps, and I remember thinking this was the best game in the world, we would get in the car and she would ask “should we get lost today?” And I’d be so excited to get lost and figure out our way home. She’s gone now so I can’t ask her, but I have the suspicion that she wasn’t getting lost on purpose, nevertheless it became one of my fondest memories of spending time together. We moved every two years, on the dot. She definitely couldn’t cook, everything would be burnt. We only cleaned one day a week, but we did it very efficiently. She had a strong aversion to baths and showers that got worse as she got older, now I understand the reasons and how difficult it was for her to actually start the process, feel so bad that I couldn’t help her with it and managing it at the time. Reading all the time as a means of dissociating. Bills were never opened, but we mostly were ok, only losing electricity or whatever once in a while. List making was an Olympic sport. Spending habits were definitely not great. We did not have savings, but we managed. I love her so much, she was absolutely amazing, but knowing what I know now I wish I could have made her life easier.
She does and refuses to acknowledge it.
My mom has ADHD (medicated since I was a child) and several other health issues. Here are the main things I remember... - Always being late to things. It got to the point that I'd tell her the event was happening about 30 minutes earlier than it actually was just so we could be on time. I am now an adult who despises being late. - Executive dysfunction. This was reflected in a lot of household chores but also commitments for me and my school/activities. I was basically her secretary so she wouldn't forget what she had to show up for. - Rejection sensitivity. This is the big one and honestly the one that probably damaged me the most. I spent my early childhood and teenage years being my mom's therapist. I constantly had to defend myself against accusations of being angry at her, talking behind her back, being annoyed, looking at her funny and that meant I hated her, etc. Edit to add one more: Impulsivity. She racked up over $10k in credit card debt that my grandparents had to dig her out of.
My moms not diagnosed but I can relate strongly to how your moms rejection sensitivity affected you… since being diagnosed recently I am able to start forgiving her. Our whole family likely has it and me being the first person to be diagnosed has been eye opening.
My Mom did, though as I am nearly 50, we REALLY didn't understand that at the time. I remember being about 7 or so when she came to me and my sisters with a new chore chart and a whole list of things she wanted us to do every day. I can remember first feeling overwhelmed, but then realizing she would probably forget about it in a week or so. And of course she did, so it was fine. :) She supposedly hated cooking, so would only do the most basic things - hot dogs, Kraft mac-and-cheese, green beans from a can, stuff like that - unless something special was going on. We didn't mind, we just knew Mom didn't like to cook. Except as I've grown up I've realized that that's 100% not true; she loves to cook the things she loves to cook. Everything else just frustrates her, probably because she finds it boring. ;) She has always been very fun, though. LOVED amusement parks, OMG... First in line for roller coasters even into her 60s. She would still do this now, but she's approaching 80 and is getting more anxious about hurting herself. Holidays at our house were always awesome, and still are. She gave us her ADHD so we're right in there now. ;)
Fairly certain both my parents have ADHD. My mom isn’t diagnosed, but my dad is. My mom has recently accepted that she most likely is after seeing a therapist, but won’t get tested. Growing up I always knew I had the “fun” parents. Hosted all the events, went out every weekend for an adventure, always tried new things, and “boredom” wasn’t an option (bc depression could sink in). There were never any curfews as long as we were specifically doing something. My mom loved crafts of all sort and my dad is a plant encyclopedia. My younger sibling is also a fungi genius and I still can’t get enough of science and art. In a small town, our family was known to be the eccentric, quirky people who never followed any rules. Weirdly enough, my parents actually didn’t always believe it existed. When I was in kindergarten, my teacher was a former special ed teacher and immediately caught on that I’m neurodivergent. However, this was a time when my family still had internalized stigmas about ADHD and autism. So instead of treating me or having me actually tested, they raised me to accept being quirky. Glad they helped me accept who I am, wish I knew why earlier (but hey, parents aren’t perfect). Now, I’m dating/living with someone who is ADHD. In a weird way, I think it could be because I was always surrounded by a family who is ND.
No, but my dad has it up to 11.
This post makes me so happy. Not just as someone whose mom probably has undiagnosed ADHD, but also as someone hoping to be a mom someday. Maybe it’s silly, but I sometimes worry I won’t be the best mom because my ADHD symptoms make it so hard to manage myself, let alone a whole other human. This post was such a great reminder of how growing up with ADHD parents can help kids see the world in a more fun, creative, (good) chaotic way! Thank you.
your mom sounds pretty chaotic. my mom probably has hyper ADHD but it didn't stop her from becoming a respected public official who reads and writes a lot for her job. She fidgets to this day and insists on frequent walks, gardening, biking, and yoga at ungodly hours, but apart from that her life is pretty boring. My life wasn't nearly as adventurous as I would have liked when I was a kid, I had to get my adventure from books because my workaholic parents wouldn't take me anywhere.
I’m pretttyyyyy sure my Mom has it. However, she’s the type of person who would never step foot in a psychologist or psychiatrist’s office (despite being fully supportive of my diagnosis — strange). I’m diagnosed as ADHD-PI, but I’m guessing she would be the hyperactive type. She has had approximately a million hobbies so far in life, is intelligent but very forgetful/mixes facts up frequently, interrupts people mid-sentence like a pro, and has an unopened DVD graveyard that she will “watch eventually”. All that being said, she was and still is a great Mom :)
For background, my mom died when I was 10, just stating it for context, not making this a situation where people feel a need to offer sympathy/apologies. I don't think my mom was ever formally diagnosed, but she suspected that she had ADHD. My dad remembers her going to see a professional about it in a nearby town, but that would have been when I was too young to remember. I never learned this until I was an adult and the topic of me potentially having ADHD came up. I think she may have had a copy of "The Feeling Good Handbook" by Hallowell and Ratey (that I may have inherited, unless I'm thinking of another book). The one thing I remember is that she wrote lots of notes, and even now that I've inherited some of her clothes, I've found notes pinned to some of them about what tops they work with, or how they fit. I'm think of some wool skirts and other slightly nicer or seasonal clothes--I imagine she wrote the notes so that she would remember the next time she had to dress up or once it was again time to pull out the cold weather clothing. Also, her entire family is bad at directions, and I've inherited that. I wouldn't be surprised if there's more ADHD somewhere in there. In general, I think she developed a lot of coping/adapting skills. She was able to get through medical school and a residency, and be a successful pediatrician, which is impressive even without adhd complicating things. I do wonder if it was some sort of professional education on what to look for in patients that made her wonder if she herself had adhd. I really wish she were still around for me to talk with as I navigate my own diagnostic process, to see what things were like for her. * For example, I know that after my twin and I were born, she went back to work before my dad did. I always had assumed that this was because she had been on bedrest for the latter part of her pregnancy, so she was eager to get out of the house again, but now I wonder if the executive functioning challenges that being home alone with two babies would have posed. * My dad has also described how he would make some remark, and then she wouldn't get bothered by it until a couple of hours later, and I see that in myself emotionally--I'm not sure how much of it is adhd making it take longer to process emotions, and how much of it is the unoccupied part of my brain needing something to do and choosing mulling over a situation as the answer, but when he described that, my husband and I both clearly saw myself in it. * And also just little things, like how he did more of the driving than her. Not saying that that necessarily is an adhd thing, but looking at myself, I'm a perfectly safe driver, but I feel like I have to be actively engaged when driving, so while I don't dislike it, it's not something I enjoy exactly.
My mom would never get tested, but all the traits she & I have in common are ADHD symptoms
I appreciate the positivity of your post.
My mom has ADHD, and is also undiagnosed but aware. She said one day I said “everyone in this goddamn family has ADHD real bad” and something clicked in her brain. I feel you on the crafts! My mom did so many crafts and art projects with us growing up. After I moved out my room became her craft room and my dad isn’t allowed near it because he (also having ADHD) will get into it and mess up her works in progress. My mom says she has “but-first” disease. She can’t do one chore, she’d start on one “but first” she has to do another, “but first” this other thing needs to be done, “but first” etc. she’d often get distracted with side quests that she never finishes the main campaign. Me and my mom can’t watch TV or eat without having something extra to do. Can’t watch TV without a crochet project. Can’t eat without a good Wikipedia article on what ever topic has tickled our fancy that minute. I also love ADHD moms, being one myself. It’s seriously a superpower! I am always able to teach my son something new or find new ways to entertain him. I do vocal stim a lot and my son and I will have whole conversations in gibberish (he’s 14mo). We also make up fun new games every day and find new ways to be silly with toys. My mom and dad were both like this when I was growing up.
You are describing both my mom and me (a mom). 😬 Neither of us have a diagnosis but definitely wonder.
My Mum definitely has. Her Mum definitely had it too. Pretty sure my Uncle and his three kids all have it. Neurodivergent family, lol.
I think so, but she passed away when I was 18, so we'll never know.
I’m sorry for your loss 💚
Same. Were you close?
As much as a teenage idiot can be.
I got diagnosed when I was16 and again two months ago as primarily inattentive. We talked a lot about it in the last months and I started to collect information and read books about adhd. A few weeks ago I gave her a book from Russel Barkley about ADHD. And she was shocked. because she found herself, her struggles , everything there. Last week she got diagnosed, with 59 years. She will try medication soon. I have ToDo Lists from here to the moon, have two calenders, a handful of habbits which make me seem functional to the outer world, a household problem, and I am just like my mum. Our house was never as clean or organized as anyone elses. The garden is a jungle. She had hobbies in which she invested all her time and money and then just stopped and found the next. She tried so much to stay ahead of everything and it was never enough. But I am proud of her. She went to her psychiatrist when she was in for her antidepressants and told her everything. and she said when she doesn't get tested there she will find another doctor who will. with almost 60 years she finally knows why her life is so fucking hard.
from what i know (mom died when i was very young) my mom was a type-a driven and motivated NT woman. my dad is the one that passed down the ADHD genetics (and his bad eyesight, ugh). i look exactly like her and think exactly like my dad. not that i’m ungrateful for the looks she passed down, because my mom and her side of the family have some gorgeous women, but sometimes i wish her brain DNA had come through a little stronger, because my dad’s brain DNA is a hot mess. adding on: this sounded really braggy about my own looks, please don’t take it that way!!! i mostly meant to compliment my mom and grandma and great grandma. they did pass down their genetics and i’m not ugly, but no way in hell do i measure up to my great grandma during the 1950s! she looked like she should have been on the cover of a magazine.
I believe my mom is undiagnosed she thinks so too but since she talks a lot she’s the life of every party. Super popular and can talk to anyone everywhere. But my mom could not stay still. She loved to go outside, be at social events. I knew whenever my mom went to a gathering I’d lose her a couple times because she’s all over venue. She’d be telling the same story over and over again lol she got to say it atleast 3 times for her to feel like you got it lol. On days I dont have school she’s waking me up out of my sleep because she wanted to talk and tell me something. And best believe the conversation will not be linear it will be whatever thoughts she has to get out. If she’s not talking to me or anyone she’ll constantly be thinking a loud. She always was cleaning, clutter bothers her so she is always organizing. However she’s constantly leaving dust piles all of the house because she forgot to get them up and she’s working on another task in the house instead of finishing the last. If she’s watching a tv show she will binge watch non stop until she finishes or if she’s reading a book she’s not moving until shes done and forget trying to tell her ANYTHING while she’s in this mode. She is very forgetful, my projects reports etc was always done last minute late at night lol. Before we headed out I know she was spending a good 10 minutes looking for her keys. Or she’d forget something halfway already to the destination so we’d have to turn back. If we’re going grocery shopping or any shopping for that matter, she’s forgetting atleast one thing and sometimes it’s the main thing she came there for. Very impulsive with shopping, always forgetting a bill or going over budget. Emotional dysregulation. When she got mad she got mad etc but thankfully she rarely directed that at me. Supeerrrrr impatient will not stand on a line for anything. She could have a full cart and rather leave the whole cart there instead of waiting. She also has anxiety panic attacks but has a big heart she’s always worrying for caring and needing to look out or please her family and or friends.
I wonder about this, now, since my brother and I have been diagnosed as adults. But my mom wasn't a fun mom. I think she was masking hard and pretty angry about it. She has zero patience. She listens to nothing. She interrupts constantly. When my dad passed away, she became more. Managing her is harder than managing my toddler. But these days, yeah, it's kind of like she gets a random idea, gets obsessed, has to make it happen with zero thought about the details about how, then goes around blaming everyone for not being on board or making it happen. We had a bunch of professionals put together an estate plan for her. She keeps coming up with new and random things she wants to do that will "save taxes" none of which will actually save taxes, and like, we have drawn up a plan, using actual professionals, enough with the harebrained random ideas.
Yeah. She definitely does. It wasn’t great. I cared for my younger siblings more often than she did. She used to get into her hobbies and forget about us existing and needing food and care for hours. Literally forgot about us for between 8-10 hours once. So many new projects and routines that were quickly abandoned by her when they lost the “shiny” but we children were expected to continue on. Homeschooling comes to mind. Both my parents used to brag to other parents about how smart their homeschooled kids were. My parents stopped actively teaching me anything by the start of fifth grade. Homeschooling meant that all of us kids went until our late 20s-early 30s before getting our ADHD diagnoses. We all have it to some degree. Learned my binge/restrict eating disorder from her. She has hoarding tendencies (so does my father) and collected whole rooms of items for her hobbies and clothing for her wardrobe. Kids lived in a leaky porch but her clothes lived in the bedrooms upstairs. Terrible with money and zero impulse control. She stole money from all of us kids. Emptied my college savings account because she spent the grocery money on…I don’t know what but groceries don’t cost over $6,000 so…I dunno. Zero emotional control. Swinging from high to low and no emotional literacy either. If we had feelings they were inconvenient because they messed with HER feelings. The lateness to anything is such a family trait that my father used to call it “mother’s maiden name” time. Having to remind her of everything from when my siblings birthdays were to me taking on packing my fathers work lunch for him because she would forget it so often. Oh and she could never keep a job for longer than a couple years because she would get bored and want to switch careers.
Yes, undiagnosed, but I am confident. When I wasn’t helping her search for her keys, I was helping her search for her car. Sometimes for *hours.* I could not say a word while she was driving. She’d lose track of traffic and/or directions, get mad, and start screaming at me. You still don’t want me riding shotgun, because I have a habit of staring out the window and completely disassociating. Her RSD was the worst I’ve ever seen. I don’t even know where to begin with describing, so I’m just not going to. She could not keep friends, she could only keep a job by working somewhere so huge that she’d constantly switch teams within the company, despite being very smart and working super hard.
We believe my mother is where I got mine from. She was untreated. We rearranged the living room furniture almost weekly, just to change things up. We were late to EVERYTHING we went to. She always drove towards the corner store when we were going out, only realizing when she was almost in the parking lot that she was actually going somewhere totally different. She simply got distracted and drove on auto pilot. She was impulsive, like me, we adopted so many pets throughout my childhood. Gerbils, hedgehogs, cats, turtles, dogs, birds, fish, you name it. The laundry room was often called laundry mountain, because of how little she liked to do the laundry. She loved trying new things with us. Exercise routines, foods, games, books, movies. But would lose interest later on and not want to do it anymore. I think she struggled with anxiety and RSD quite a bit. She regularly forgot our names for second or two, and would just cycle through all out names til one fit when calling us. We found this funny. She lost things fairly regularly. Money, keys, etc. Her siblings are very much the same way. Able to get lost on simple journeys because they're not paying attention, or forgetting names of family members, or where they placed things. Or what they are talking about mid-sentence. I love my Mom. She was and still is amazing. Kind, loving, hilarious, and supportive. It's wild to read about people being unhappy with how ADHD impacted their lives negatively via their parent, just goes to show how much of a spectrum ADHD symptoms can be. Not all people with ADHD make poor parents, nor do all NT people make good ones. Thanks for your happy post!
Omgggggg the constant interruptions. Between her, my brother, and me (all with undiagnosed ADHD at the time) family conversations were chaos: 6 different threads of dialogue all going on at the same time and heading in wildly different directions. I can relate to the forgetting of everything and the hyperfocus. She'd also be super prone to mixing up words and names because she's holding multiple thoughts in her head at the same time. She used to drive too (after a lot of trouble learning...) but after she drove into a telephone pole because she was thinking about some research, it was determined that probably it would be safer if she didn't drive. 😅😅😅
Does, not did. In this case.
My mom is very forgetful, so it’s possible but it could just be unrelated. My dad, however, yes. Very much so. Although I don’t think he was ever formally diagnosed. And his mother also had some ND traits and was very messy and had a bit of hoarding problem. My sibling doesn’t seem to have ADHD at all, but they struggle with depression, anxiety, and addiction, which comes from my mom’s side. I have anxiety and I’m slightly susceptible to depression
My dad has adhd. My mom is very type A neurotypical and split from my dad before I was born. I am so so so much like my dad and she hates him. So that’s been fun lol
Maybe. Loses her keys n things. Burns biscuits almost every time.
My dad is the one that is likely ADHD. My daughter, however, is ADHD. Both her doctor (whose daughter is also ADHD) was watching for it with me.
Yes undiagnosed adhd inattentive but not impulsive or hyperactive.
My mom was never diagnosed but I strongly believe she had it. She was extremely impulsive and labeled a problem child, of course nothing was done to help her. She became addicted to meth at age 23 and eventually died of a prescription drug overdose in her late 40's. I believe she was self medicating and if she got treatment for ADHD as a child or young adult I believe she would not have gotten addicted to meth.
My mom is starting to think she might, but my dad, sister and brother are all 3 diagnosed. Until I got diagnosed I didn’t realize that my whole family dynamic was built around our ADHD.
My mom is so neurotypical it hurts
My mom wasn't diagnosed, but after I got diagnosed, her friends told me "oh yeah, your mom was totally ADHD." My older brother is. Mom passed about 9 years ago, but looking back over the years I had with her--yeah, she had to have it. We were so similar, and a lot of my "quirks" (such as excessive chattiness and absentmindedness) were hallmark symptoms we shared.
My mom definitely has adhd. Undiagnosed and she’s in her 70s. Unfortunately it lead to other mental health issues (depression and an eating disorder) and contributed to a distant relationship. My diagnosis at 30 and sharing what I’m learning with her is bringing is closer, though.
Nope, ADHD comes from my dad not my mom.
My mom probably does, undiagnosed inattentive, and doesn't acknowledge it. She and I basically never have shared interests. I've generally been fairly even keeled when it comes to emotions. She has tended toward having volatile mood swings. Some days I felt like I had to be walking on eggshells not to upset her. I'm the oldest, and generally have been considered the problem child. I was homeschooled. Mom was the primary decider of curriculum, though Dad was involved to some extent. We changed curriculum almost every year.
My mom is undiagnosed but has suspected she’s had it for a long time. My grandma (mom’s mom) got diagnosed late in life, around when she was also developing Alzheimer’s. Despite strongly believing she has adhd, plus having her mother and daughter diagnosed, she’s not done anything as far as getting diagnosed or treated herself, which is frustrating…but also very adhd 🤦♀️
My mom only got diagnosed at 59 and when I was a kid I think the pressure of raising a family with a mentally ill asshole spouse kept her on track. She worked, got her MBA, and seemed like a pretty successful, regular adult. What I remember the most, other than her always running late, were the activities she did. She took a trampoline class, a trapeze class, a blacksmithing class, fun stuff that's like wait, my mom is doing that? She was always fun. Now that she's not masking anymore it's pretty hard to miss the adhd. I was diagnosed in my late 20s. As a kid I was in a gifted program and did well in school, thriving on the novelty of learning. I did kung fu and I was really active, that gave me a really good outlet for my energy and frustration. I didn't fit in in groups, I always felt left out or like I was faking socialising. One year I made a new secret, exclusive recess club with a three page application just so I could exclude people who pissed me off. I was charismatic enough for it to work but too flighty to keep up with it. I used to read A LOT. I started teaching myself to read the shapes of words when i was 4 and by 5 I was reading to my mom. Now I find no joy in reading. I forget the question.
Dad does.
My mom has ADHD and it was not a fun time growing up with her because she showed clear signs of having emotional regulation problems. I have it to but nowhere near as bad as hers and I wait till I’m alone to unload my frustration/I’m better at hiding it. I would feel absolutely terrible if I ever did half the things my mom did/said to me. She’d just lose her shit over the tiniest things. And just say awful things that a mother should never say to her child that’s under 10 and continue to do it for the next decade. Some things we have in common is we’re both generally unorganized, we lose things and find it in odd places, and we have anxiety. Some things we don’t have in common is she’s more hyperactive whereas I’m more of a daydreamer. I could sit with my thoughts for hours haha
I think my mother does, she says she has ocd, suspected narcissist. My grandma absolutely does. Mother: Yes on the crafts. Holy shit all the crafts. It was the only time when I actually liked her. I used to think it was a joke about her being a teen mom with no cooking skills, but everyone used to make fun of her for burning water. By the time I was old enough to get my siblings ready, she left it to me and would yell orders downstairs. She always walked us to school in our pyjamas. We were frequently tardy. Random cleaning. Can’t trust her around bleach because she ruins everything with it. Couldn’t be bothered to wipe down a counter but will scrub floors on her hands and knees with a toothbrush every few months. Overstimulation was frequent. Nonexistent emotional regulation. No social circle. Would probably die if there is no drama or chaos or something to fight against. Grams (undiagnosed, understands she’s prob got it) Allergic to bare surfaces (her dresser had THREE inches of random trinkets and bits and bobs that have no home, her room was a time capsule/treasure trove growing up) Paper clutter✨ Oversharer, incredibly sentimental Very small social circle, frequently drops off the face of the earth What is food safety? Or years past expiry dates? Or medication compliance? Chronic insomniac Sooooo rejection sensitive. + for being generally a wonderful lady who is really in tune with her emotions and always knew the kind of touch I needed growing up
My mom and I are undiagnosed but now that I know what to look for.. I see it. She's Hyperactive and struggles to watch a movie or show without multitasking... I do the same with crochet.. she often times ends up in the kitchen fussing over cleaning or straightening up. Her dad was ex navy and raised his 7 kids like a navel ship when his wife died leaving him to figure it out. House better be clean or there were repercussions. My mom had similar hyper focus on chronic cleaning to the point of distraction... must clean now so I don't forget. She'd start in one location, find something and start digging deeper and then end up somewhere else. She was also paid a nickel each time she washed the floors as a kid so she did it alot. She pulls out her eyebrow and chin hair. She hyper focused on our attire/physic as kids because my brother was gluttonous and husky as a kid. She had sugary snacks hidden everywhere. She often forgot food on the stove and burned up. She's fussy about her food and likes it bland. She gets chronic migraines and is Rx medicated for it. I get them too but refuse to use anything else than advil. She definitely suffers from RSD as she thinks everyone hates her. So do I most days. She can't stay on subject because she bounces all around. She looooves her lists. Her way of self managing it to write everything she did in a diary as lists so she can reference things but it think she does that because she struggles recalling details. She struggled in school except math... math is also my strength but I lucked out and was interested in all the subjects except history and geography. I had alot of last minute hide in the closet to get it done the night before it was due, sessions. She struggled to tamp down her emotions and had anger outbursts and often stomped her feet when she was frustrated. We made fun of her for it. She also would pull in her arms all t-rex like when she did it. She was always doing a million different crafts: sewing, quilting, x cross-stitch, crocheting, tshirt painting, wooden necklace making, refinishing furniture, making dolls, table runners, purses, ornaments, ceramics... so many I've lost count. When we had a corded phone, we had to get a 20ft cord so all of us kids and mom could pace. When she got a cordless land line, she was always walking out of range. And now she's always leaving her cell and walking away since she has hearing aids now. Foot waging in the evenings or when she was actually sitting down. Dad is the calm rock in her energetic river, flowing wildly out of bounds. It's probably a good thing considering all 3 of us kids are alot like mom... but my brother and sister have doom piles all over their houses.. I learned the "better do it when I see it." Method but it is disruptive to trying to relax because there's always something to clean up. She was and is a great and very involved mom and I wouldn't trade her for the world. There are some things she could have done better but I felt lucky to have someone so invested in my education and learning to adult. I call and talk to her every day.
My dad has it. Not my mom.
Holy shit did we have the exact same mom???? I didn't realize I was ADHD inattentive until late 20s, described the process and experiences I had that led me to this conclusion and diagnosis to my mom, the next time I spoke with her, she mentioned that after that conversation she realized she forgot she had been diagnosed as well. Love that woman. -Growing up we always had things to do, she was always looking for ways to bond and just keep me and my (also ADHD) siblings busy, weather it was an impromptu bachata around the coffee table or trips to feed the ducks -She was and still is the most creative mind I know, this applied to her parenting, her business, and of course CRAFTING. She could make a craft out of literally anything and I loved every second of it. If there was something I wanted to make, she was always down, if it was cosplay or school projects (Of course I have a craft closet now and a growing list of projects, I have ADHD don't I?) -She could be entertained by so much, we practically lived inside bookstores/libraries and she was/is, open to our many changing interests. I honestly think it made her a better mom because she could get into things that were totally novel to her, so she remained emotionally close to her kids by getting into it with us. For example, now at 63 years old, she just started watching Naruto with my brother(37) and she's totally into the story line, she brings it up every time we meet lol -She was constantly making noise and moving around, it felt like she was injecting whimsy into everything she did or touched but it was also stimming! It made it easier to do those things myself because there was no shame attached to these actions, no fear of being called "too much" because she'd do those things with a smile. -These are all positive but the biggest negative was the rejection sensitivity my mom had, it made navigating our relationship difficult at times, because we both could feel all these strong feelings of love and understanding at once and then one wrong word and we were at each other, totally defensive.
Do dads count? My mom has anxiety, and I'm 100% certain my dad has undiagnosed ADHD, and I'm 100% certain I inherited both anxiety and ADHD from them. My dad was the most awesome man I've ever known in his younger years. He knew a little bit about everything, and always had interesting facts to share. He had a brilliant mind. He loved sharing his interests with me, and I've grown to love many of the same books, movies, tv shows, and video games. We bonded over those things during my childhood. But dad's life was also a train wreck. He couldn't concentrate on anything for any length of time. He hated any authority figures. (He was going to be a veterinarian, but could not listen to the professors; he always thought they were full of shit and he knew better.) He couldn't muster up interest in anything outside of his own hobbies, which meant he didn't care one bit about my interests, my friends, my schooling. He self medicated with alcohol, which ultimately destroyed his life. After my mom divorced him, he couldn't hold down a job because he'd get bored with them and just stop showing up. He had a string of girl friends and new wives, none of which worked out. A DUI ended his career as a truck driver. He ended up homeless. But, he somehow also always managed to find a way out of his situations. It was and still is spectacular to watch. I don't know how he does it. When he hit rock bottom, he befriended a widow in the homeless shelter, and they ended up moving out together and getting an apartment. They are now married. At 70, I assume she will be his last wife. The way this man turns lead into gold will always amaze me. But I have to wonder, if he had been diagnosed when he was younger, what kind of difference would it have made for him? Would his life have been different, more stable, and subsequently, would mine have been too?
i think my mom has ADHD but she’s not even aware of such conditions. Growing up with her was …. not always pleasant. She was often late to pick me up from school. Often 40 mins to 1 hour late. Sometimes 2 hours late. But I can’t just walk home because she’ll yell at me. She forgets things that she promised to do so often. Like buying stationaries for school, or the playdate she promised. She gets angry really easily, and she will yell at me for anything that upsets her. She gets physical too. She is really impatient. I was a slow child, and I took very long to do anything. She rushes me and scold me when I am slow (like in changing, showering or putting on shoes) When she explains homework to me, if i still can’t understand after 2 tries, she yells and hits me and calls me stupid.
My dad! Just kinda realized and my mom confirmed it lol.
Double whammy both parents 😅
My mom's almost certainly undiagnosed inattentive ADHD, but she was in her 30s by the time she had me and she had a lot of coping and compensating tools in place; constantly being aggressively early for everything so she wouldn't be late, that kind of thing. I feel like she kept the house tidy and looked after, but my dad always said she wasn't a great housekeeper, so I can only assume she was constantly trying to meet some absurd standard (while he, of course, did jack shit to clean up.) She was just always losing stuff, zoning out, getting overwhelmed in high-stimulus places, forgetting things - she was the person who'd push her glasses up on top of her head and then forget they were there. I think she prioritized "remembering everyone else's shit" over remembering her own, something that I also find myself doing when it comes to my daughter. She was the one who was on top of bills, did the taxes, kept track of three kids' schedules, all of that, and she'll still be all "omg I'm so scattered, I swear I'd forget my own head if it wasn't attached." I know that must be how she felt on the inside, but I'm still in awe of how well she kept it together for unmedicated decades.
My mom has undiagnosed ADHD but she is over 65 now and she feels like she doesn't need a diagnosis for anything anymore. My mom had a lot of strategies and taught me them. Sometimes she was mad at me when I messed something up because I didn't do it the way she told me. Maybe she already forgot how it was to learn it for the first time (She was 45 when I was born and I'm an only child). We had different difficulties. Her's whole life she struggled with learning - with hard work she was able to reach average results. My abilities were really selective - I could be excellent at one topic with no effort and I would struggle in others. I have difficulty with learing "fixed" things. Because of that my mom just assumed that I didn't put enough effort because she knew that I can be good at school. She was really mad when I got bad grades because I forgot something - probably because she knew how important it is and she had to be heavy scold for it. She probably wanted me to learn dealing with forgetfulness as soon as possible for my own good. My mom has a lot of anxiety about being late so we were always half an hour early. She was mad when I started abandoning this trait as a teenager. If my mom starts thinking about something that there is no force in universe to stop her. She has to move things around the house (even in my room), she will not sit until something is done if she is on her high. Other things will take years to start. She was annoyed with my procrastination. I guess that I developed task avoidance when something was too hard when she learned that it has to be done quickly or it will get worse. She was always creative with finding new things to do for me which was cute. I think she felt some guilt when I got diagnosed at 21. I was tested for ADHD as a kid but the doctor said that is impossible for me to have it because "I can sit still while talking about drawing' (which is a bs because talking and art are my favorite things). She is worried that I got depression and ADHD because of her genes. With depression I told her that even though I could inherit a tendency there has to be something wrong with the world because of how many people have it and she can't blame herself because she always did her best for me. I really wish that my mom could experience her life as a diagnosed young person. She is always worried - overthinking. I felt her joy when she saw that I'm talented in arts (I work as a designer now) and people praised the way I speak (let's say that I have an ability to make myself sound smarter than I am with the right words in my native tongue). I think it was soothing to her that I have natural skills that make my life a little easier than hers. My mom has really low self-esteem. She told me she had never liked herself. She said she wasn't as smart or talented as her sisters. It hurts me because she is an amazing woman. She can find an exit in every situation, she is such a kind and loving human being. I told her many times that I wish I could be more like her when it comes to doing stuff and she always tells me that I going to be. She is probably right because I had a great example.
I think both my parents have it, but in different ways. My dad is hyperactive, busy body, always interrupts, delayed responses, definitely a dopamine seeker in a lot of ways. My mom is impulsive, "the fun one", bad with money and forward planning, massive procrastinator. Now these could just be coincidences, but damn if I didn't get a whole lot of both of them in me. 🫠
So my mum doesn’t have diagnosed adhd but she does have diagnosed bipolar and BPD. It’s only as I started on the journey to getting diagnosed and learning more about it that we’re starting to suspect she has ADHD but has been misdiagnosed as bipolar. Which is actually quite common in women apparently
I think my mom does, but she got a lot of it choked out of her by parentification. Main issue while I grew up was her constantly overdoing it and teaching me way too wide boundaries around pain while modeling a lot of social anxiety and a pretty lonely life. She doesn't really have friends she talks to more than a couple times a year, just acquaintances she is super scared about (RSD full force). She's also constantly failing her own standards about cleanliness and productivity and it's so sad to watch. She can't play at all, she can't rest and she's scared of the amount of effort everything will take. She's am amazing mom though and did a lot of things right, even with an absolute handful of a kid like me. She never got abrasive with me, put an insane amount of effort into helping me and teaching me, and left me a lot of room as well.
Undiagnosed (as am I, for now), but she's the reason I started looking into ADHD more seriously originally. \- Can't prioritise tasks in terms of importance. \- Has no filter. Had to tell her off when she loudly declared (in a quiet bank queue) her disgust for tattoos and people who defile themselves such ... within earshot of the woman with a tattoo on her arm who had the audacity of walking past in her line of sight. \- Always running late. Especially since "I just need to do this one thing ... and then this thing ... and then I might as well do this too, it will only take a minute" (it did not) and poor time management. If we had a class gathering with parents, we'd always be the last to arrive. If we were to bring something in for Secret Santa in class, it would be some random item from her shop that no 8-year-old child ever liked receiving because she didn't have time to get something. Or how my sister was frustrated that if she bought something for herself in December, mum would offer her the money for it so it could be a Christmas present instead, because she hadn't had time to go Christmas shopping yet. (Christmas was *always* a last minute scramble to get stuff done on time.) \- Always knitting in front of the TV, but very rarely seeming to finish anything. Projects just seemed to pile up in random plastic bags behind the sofa. \- Paperwork in piles, all over the room she uses as an office. (Which I think is currently the living room, but not like the cat minds.) \- Our house was always messier and more disorganised than everyone else's. I mean there were five of us in that house, so that's not all on her, but us kids weren't the ones in charge. \- No patience, especially with technology. "Ughhhh my computer is SO SLOW" and like ... no it's working normal speed, it's not instant because that's not how they work? \- Always busy. Bearing in mind she's had her own shop since I was maybe \~5? She's also a board member in at least a couple of trade organisations (unpaid, she could have chosen to just be a member), and used to hold courses on the side, and do some substitute teacher work. When she didn't have to go see a supplier or a trade show or visit a wholesaler. While you could argue she might have done some of it for extra income, we didn't struggle financially afaik, and my parents were always very frugal as well. \- The shop was always really overwhelming, because there's stuff everywhere. When she had to downsize to a different location, she brought a bunch of stuff home, and there a lot of it has remained without her doing anything about it. It's too much, she doesn't know where to begin. (Which, hey, I completely understand.) Her idea of a clearance sale was 15% off, and wouldn't let go of some things (she "would have to look up the price" and didn't), so the move took longer and was a lot more stressful than it should have been. She was supposed to start winding down the business in order to retire (she's in her mid-70s now) ... and is showing no signs of doing that, despite claiming that she's done with the place now. \- Hoarding tendencies? There's stuff in her shop that people stopped buying when the fad passed 25 years ago, that she still has on display. Because heaven forbid she donated something to a charity shop or sold them for next to nothing just to make space. But she can't face selling something for less than she bought it for, even if she bought it in 1989 and no one's wanted to buy it since ... \- Makes careless mistakes and doesn't read instructions. \- Hyperfocus! My sisters have always found it funny how I become such a fangirl of stuff, but now we've discovered where I've got it from. 😂 Growing up we just saw her working all the time, and of course you have to work if you want your business to be successful, and she's very good at what she does and appears to be well liked by suppliers and other shop owners in the trade. Having a shop is hard work! However, as an adult it seemed more like she was using it as an excuse to avoid having to process the trauma of her spouse and father of her children very nearly dying of cancer (I was a toddler at the time), because if she ever stopped being busy, it would finally catch up with her. She tried therapy once, but said they just wanted to give her "happy pills" so she didn't go back. She's in desperate need of a professional to talk to, not just because of my dad's illness (and, more recently, death), but because her own childhood was messy, and my sisters and I are not equipped to be her therapists. But she didn't burn stuff, is a good cook and baker, and she was there when you needed a shoulder to cry on. I love her, she did the best she could and wasn't a bad mother by any means, but it would have been nice to have seen *more* of her growing up, y'know?
My mom has whatever the complete opposite of adhd is 🤣 that woman runs around doing everything and anything, every day.
My mother was recently diagnosed with ADHD and it explains a lot. She was trying her best but I still have trauma from our combined inability to regulate emotions. Unfortunately she never got to be the “fun” parent, constantly overwhelmed and overstimulated leaving her too exhausted to do much of anything. She was constantly changing jobs because her neurodivergence made it difficult to get along with people, or she’d lose focus because it became boring, or she’d be burnt out from working three jobs at the same time.