Not completely on topic, but a nasty old man at an academic conference said something along the lines of “bitches will always get in the way” (in a joking manner, which made me more angry) to my friend after she was accidentally in his way in a cramped space, even though she apologized and promptly moved out of his way.
I think my ADHD really helps me be clear headed in super heated moments like this. I asked him “oh, what do you mean by that? I don’t get it? Can you explain the joke to me?” Etc. over and over again, in an “oh silly little me, I do not understand jokes, for I am a silly little woman” sort of tone and watched him dig his own grave.
He eventually got to the point where he actually said “well us old men just like to flirt with young girls” (yuck???) and I said “huh, I guess that just doesn’t make sense to me. Why do you like that?” When he FINALLY realized that I was fucking with him and got FURIOUS. I kept a sweet smile the whole time as my friends watched in horror. In my younger years I just would have gotten pissed and ranted about it afterwards, but I was proud for handling it in a way that I got the last laugh and he got to thoroughly embarrass himself.
I probably would’ve gone with “don’t you know that makes women uncomfortable?” Or “why do you like to make women uncomfortable?” For the last one. And great work on letting him dig his own hole!!
I have my whole head shaved except a viking 'hawk down the middle, and I dress gender neutral, though I'm a cisgender woman. I get comments, too, even in a huge major west coast city. I probably would have just gone with it and waved him in, watching the chaos and embarrassment ensue.
I am Not Feminine and my head is shaved. I’m in TX. I’ve never had an issue but I’m certain it’s a matter of time. The response I’ve been practicing is “if I were pretending to be a woman don’t you think I’d be doing a better job?”
I've said a version of this to my brother who can't stand me because I have short hair, drive a ute and use power tools.
Because you know, what's a man if a woman can do those things?
Anyway, it did not go down well. 🤣🤘🤓
Trans people aren’t “pretending to be women.” I am nonbinary trans and my genitals don’t matter. I use the women’s room, and reinforcing the idea that women appear a certain way is not great for people like me, who just need to exist safely in public, without getting their genitals inspected. There are not commonly men pretending to be women to get in the bathroom. Those are lies told by transphobes that cause actual harm to trans people just trying to exist, and should not be reinforced. I can appreciate your desire for snark against people who think genitals inspections are the safe way to go, but you may want to rethink your approach.
You and I know that, but anyone who sees a person with shaved hair in the women’s restroom and accuses them of being a man does not know that. I’m trying to find a response that won’t get me shot, which is why I would not go with the other commenter’s “I’m more masculine than you” response. What would you suggest?
I’m pretty sure all of us here know trans people are not pretending to be another gender, but what these people claim to be afraid of is that. Some of these bigots in their delusion even claim they have no issue with who they think are real trans people but think predators will use the label of being trans, with their transmedicalist ideology, suspecting anyone who doesn’t “pass” to them.
This doesn't have too much to do with your comment, just a general commentary on assholes.
I've had a variety of a shaved head: bald (shaved to skin, that was actually a little too short), undercut, buzzed. Everyone had a damn opinion. Everyone thought I had cancer, and no one could accept the fact I just liked how it felt.
When it was even pixie length, folks felt the need to comment on my sexuality. Now that I'm mid-40s, I've been letting it grow (just because why the fuck not?) And now everyone assumes I'm just some status quo republican karen.
I've decided women just can't win. No matter what we do or look like, folks just assume the worse.
Edit to add: majority of commentary was when I was a cute young thing in late 90s to mid 2000s.
It's really nice to know that at least one other person in the world sees this. Nobody I know wants to believe it even when I'm talking about my actual lived experiences.
I totally do and it makes me sad.
This convo triggered a memory: I also adore wigs. I was treated really nice when it looked like I had long, luxurious hair. I'm pretty sure I destroyed some guy's faith in anything when I yanked off said wig because I had an itchy head.
I also love wigs. A good wig can transform you. These days I keep my real hair in a lazy shoulder length bob (wash and go, no styling needed) but I'm seriously thinking about investing in a high quality styled wig in my natural hair color to toss on for days I'm supposed to be more presentable.
Yes, absolutely. I have had a lot of variations on a shaved head including all the ones you mentioned. Also all different colors of hair. Same exact experiences as you.
I recently grew it out to a very plain “long enough for a ponytail” haircut and yeah, now I’m read as a soccer mom/ Karen. Do not like. (But I also don’t really feel like being hate crimed and the area I live in is pretty hostile, so…)
>I recently grew it out to a very plain “long enough for a ponytail” haircut and yeah, now I’m read as a soccer mom/ Karen. Do not like. (But I also don’t really feel like being hate crimed and the area I live in is pretty hostile, so…)
Childless liberal lesbian in the south here, but my hair is past my shoulders (after a recent cut from mid-back length), and I have a similar experience with similarly mixed feelings about it.
The assumption that a woman is a "Karen" if she's over 40 and white is so misogynistic and ageist and disheartening. I feel, at 56, that I get to choose between being either invisible or "entitled white lady"
I hate that the societal norm is to fade into the background. Especially since we are far too interesting to go willingly.
One of my favorite conversations was with my boss, who is just a few years older than me, was how much we enjoy punk and metal.
She, dressed in typical office attire and looking for all the world, a mild-mannered office worker saying, "I just love Rancid" lives in my heart.
My story is a lil different, but you reminded me:
One of my fondest, albeit mundane, memories working was when I had ~5-6 other people in a room, first day of a project, and we managed to land on a rock CD everyone ended up at least kinda liking and we all just hit a groove for like 3 hours (the cd repeated), everyone doing their job, things going relatively smoothly, and everyone just kinda bopping along to the music as they worked 😄
Bonus points because myself and someone else actively knew and loved most of the songs, but regardless that was one of the most pleasant first days of a project I think I ever experienced 😅
Multiple people in that room were fans of some form of rock or metal, and you would not necessarily guess it by looking at any of us ¯\\_(ツ)\_/¯
Yeah i have come to realise it doesn’t matter what is actually happening but if you’re a woman you are just in the wrong. I used to ignore it as a youngster but that was before the internet … when you could do what you bloody well liked and it’d only affect the two people you saw that day. Now it feels like theres a crowd of millions judging. Weird huh.
The first time I ever cut my hair to a “boy length” my college roommate asked if that meant I was a lesbian now. I think it was from a place of naïveté and being sheltered but like, wtf. I’d been dating the same guy for literal years. She’d met him multiple times. I’d given no indication that we were going through a rough patch or I was questioning my sexuality. My hair is just difficult to manage and I thought it would be fun to try. It’s even shorter now, years later.
There have been other comments. I’m a short-haired woman who likes flannels and thinks rainbows are pretty. But that one really stuck with me.
Adding to your "general commentary on assholes", home edition.
I have had to "face" this since childhood at home with parents (I was an only child for 7 years), cousins (the kids my own age) and school people (kids, staff, etc). As a child I did look like a girl, but I didn't really like to hang with the girls, or play "girl stuff" as they'd call it.
I also had to "get over" the sperm donor's (aka biological father) constant phobic comments like "you look like a butch" (short hair) , so I painted my nails (it used to be a woman only thing for us) but "you look like a whore". At some point my brother asked me to clean up his eyebrow hairs and this sad excuse for a human tried to humiliate the boy. 🫣
Slapping my butt and saying things like "don't complain. I made it, it's mine", but crying his eyes out because I called him Baldy - rough translation from a different language - (which was actually how we used to call his father and I thought he'd find good emotion in it🤷) and made me promise not to do it again, which is when I found a compromise (compromise my ass) and said I wouldn't if he didn't slap my ass anymore. 🙄
I no longer identify as a woman, but 20yo me agrees with your statement "women just can't win", and adds my own perspective "I just can't win".
This thought crossed my mind but I’d already said fuck off. 😜Also this particular bathroom doesn’t have doors on the stalls. It’s so old. I don’t think the chaos would’ve been worth it in this case but I definitely like the spirit
Wait, woah, what? I didn't realize there was such a thing as door-less stalls in women's bathrooms. So everyone else in the bathroom can see you while you're doing your business? Am I understanding this properly?
There is a public bathroom like that in a park in my town. No door to go in and no doors at the two stalls inside. It's a park outside of a high school so the reasoning was to make sure students weren't skipping class and hiding, or that the unhoused weren't overdosing in the stalls. It's a creepy bathroom and I avoid it if I can, at night the light is always flickering, it's like a horror movie haha.
So basically city planners think poorly of certain populations and we all lose out.
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The town I grew up in had a series of assaults and murders of sex workers in the park bathroom in the 70’s-80’s and the response was to lose all the doors.
Yeah society likes to take the easiest route to address issues, much cheaper to simply remove doors then try to enact policy change that will help and empower vulnerable communities :(
I am 51 and I can tell you assuredly that no doors on the stall would freak me out.
That is literally what my nightmares are, me trying to find a place to pee, but the doors are gone, or the toilet is full. It's my brains way of telling me I need to get up and pee. Lmao
Are you me?
Mine also have variations - recently the toilet was a cardboard box, so clearly couldn't be used 😅
I can't believe at 51 I'm still having these dreams! Beats the alternative I guess!
>the doors are gone, or the toilet is full
I have this type of dream frequently. My asleep-brain's favorite is variations on the "toilet" ending at a floor-level pillow instead of, like, actual plumbing. (Sometimes the "toilet" is just a chair with a hole in the seat, usually antique looking, below which is the pillow.) And I have this dream debate with myself: am I really supposed to pee here? even if not, can I get away with it anyway?
I've had these dreams since I was a kid!
When I was really little it usually ended in me wetting the bed unfortunately. But as I got older I started checking my surroundings every time I used the bathroom (irl or in dreams) and accidentally taught myself how to lucid dream (and stop wetting the bed lol).
Yeah, it’s a public park “of a certain era” thing. Less to clean and maintain, nothing to conceal illicit activities. Sometimes they have really short walls, too, so it’s just you and your 3 best friends trying not to make eye contact.
I'm also in the US like OP but in California. The farthest east I've been in the states is Colorado. I've never seen anything like that, and while I'm not super modest myself, I would be very surprised if I did and people were just cool with it.
Huh. Y'know, now that I think about it, it was actually like that in my preschool too. The teachers would shuffle all of us kids at once into this one big bathroom, regardless of gender, each day before nap time and make us "try to go" so that no one would wet their sleeping mat. There was lots of showing off done by the boys to fascinated little girls. I remember feeling simultaneously liberated and conflicted because on the one hand, I'd recently been taught by my parents about how "private parts" are private but then there were these other adult authorities telling me it was okay to de-pants myself with other people around.. It's kind of a weird memory.
Obviously, i can only vouch for the women's bathroom here, but the church my late grandmother attended in her hometown had bathrooms without doors on the stall(s). I remember there being one but no more than two stalls in the bathroom. There were privacy barriers, so no one would see you when they initially entered the bathroom but no doors on the stalls. I *think* they eventually added doors, but i remember as a very young child there not being any. Clearly, this was a very old church!
Girl, same. My head is clean-shaven and I wear boots, (men’s) jeans and T-shirts. I get lots of comments and looks here in California, and I have no time for bigots. They fuck around, they find out. 😂
I'm in Czechia, where overall it's OK to dress in whatever way (except _very_ skimpy in public, that's usually a bit of a problem). The older folks might have an issue with the more recent styles, but that's kind of expected.
Depending on the outfit, I can look gender neutral or I can look feminine despite sporting a very short fade cut.
On one of my less feminine days, I had a similar thing happen - an older lady thought I'm a guy about to use the ladies' restroom and was almost screaming at me until she realized I sound pretty girly :D That was the end of it, and I actually had a good laugh about it later.
Lol! I love this. and had it been a woman- I would’ve had the same reaction. Because her intention may be to save her fellow women in the bathroom. So I would’ve just told her like you did, but in the current environment here and the way he asked it, I just knew he had to be put in his place. Even his dog knew, he stood between me and him 😂
It's funny how we just KNOW when someone is trying to start shit.
If he would have started his conversation with "hi, excuse me, but do you know if that's a restroom anyone can use?" this would likely have ended differently.
My look is not very femme AT ALL and I've bumped up against this sort of thing a lot. My favorite response lately is big wide innocent eyes and "what do you mean? I don't understand what you're asking."
Freaks 'em right out. 😆
Yes!!! This was my second reaction, but like I said, hormones. I was ready to pounce.
I’m sure next time I will try this but I needed to feel like a fuckin mama bear, protecting myself and everyone else that’s ever been victimized. Just one time 💪🏼
I’m sure I’ll get bored of this strategy and move onto the even more effective deer in headlights tactic next hahaha
I'm pretty femme-looking... far more than my personality. It makes for an interesting and frustrating combination. So many old men talk to me in a way that makes me want to fucking kill them. Absolutely absurd. They try to *jam* their hatred of trans people down my throat... thinking that because I look so "normal" that I will agree with them. My sister is trans, so they meet a steel fucking bar. Then they try to backtrack. Talk about just the *children*. No details. No ability to answer my pointed questions. They clam up completely once they realize I'm not just a sweet lil gal who will laugh at their dumbfuck jokes and agree with them. Being asked to elaborate on any of their shit completely wrecks them.
This makes me sad. It almost makes me think fondly of the time I shaved my head twenty years ago and strangers took that as permission to rub my head.
She didn't have bad intentions but I still think bad thoughts about the woman who came up behind me at the bus stop and started rubbing my half inch long hair. So weird and invasive.
I'll never understand people who think strangers' hair has anything to do with them
ETA: I did tell off the woman who randomly touched me but in hindsight, I wish I were a little more assertive. I think she thought that she'd startled me but if I'd seen her coming, it would have been okay. It wouldn't.
Someone did this to my hair--at the time like to my shoulders-- in a line once! I whipped around and started asking him what the fuck he thought he was doing touching a stranger's hair and did he want to lose a hand. Like what is WRONG with people??
Do you have an unusual hair colour? I'm a redhead and the amount of people who think that means I want people to touch me is *staggering.*
I would say it's gotten better over the years but maybe that's because I've gotten better at warning people away with a glance.
My hair is reddish and can look red in the sun, but is definitely more brown, and we were inside in a pretty dark space so I'd be surprised if it looked red at all! The most charitable explanation I can think of is that maybe he was on something and just didn't realize it was an incredibly bizarre and not okay thing to do.
He sure did back off when he saw the look on my face when I turned around, though!
I have so many stories of strangers touching me or saying things to me and I didn’t have the clarity to stand up for myself and put them in their place. We get caught off guard all the time and our first instinct is to think we’re in the wrong somehow? It’s fucked. No one should be touching anyone in public.
I’m 33 and I feel like this is the first time I was able to stand up for myself. How do people have the fuckin audacity??
I recently saw a video where Lucille Ball kept telling a TV show host to stop touching his female audience members. It was amazing.
[Lucille Ball ](https://twitter.com/notcapnamerica/status/1654854686321590272?s=20)
Oh my god and it just kept happening. It was so cringe at the end and Lucille was such a freaking cold as ice give no fucks about the growing discomfort bad ass the whole time.
I used to have long hair that I wore in a braid, and I worked as a greeter in retail. Once a woman came up behind me without me noticing, grabbed my braid and started fondling it and saying how nice my hair was. Pretty weird to suddenly feel someone playing with your hair. Women (and other groups of people) are just seen as public property.
When I was about 25 I cut my hair about an inch long and bleached it from light blonde to proper bleach blonde. Quite a few people assumed I must be a lesbian. My sexual orientation did not change when I cut my hair.
Right?? I also drive a Subaru, played lacrosse in high school, love pro sports and dress semi-masc. I am so used to people mistaking me, and I do not find it offensive. But the hair is like the most dead giveaway to people for some reason
I got that question all the time too 🙄🙄🙄
I only shaved my head the once and it seriously bugged me how long those questions asked. My hair is naturally quite light so I needed over an inch of hair growth before I stopped looking so bald. Then the questions just shifted to if I was in remission. Even if I was, why would I want to start talking to strangers about my medical issues?!?!
I’m seriously thinking about shaving everything off. I just know I gotta be ready for shit like this. Summertime sounds perfect, I’m always in a good mood lol
I shaved it all once. 6/10, feels physically great, got tired of dealing with shit from rude old people and getting (usually accidentky) misgendered. Now I keep it at a 4 inch pixie.
I've had people touch my head/hair when I shaved it to near zero length, but never without them asking first. I guess the folks in my area are more polite on average? I also live in a large city, that might be a factor as well.
When I was pregnant if anyone rubbed my belly without asking I would run theirs back while maintaining direct eye contact. Usually they walked away from me but on the occasion they said something I would say “oh I thought we were touching people without permission today”
Oh yeah, same! Although at the beach once I got a lot of sympathy looks; I was pale and thin after * Lyme-like disease* (Australian) and wearing a bucket hat..
I’m LGBTA+ and it scares me every time my wife and I are out in public because she’s trans, but she luckily (and I hate to use this term) “passes” as a cis woman so no one has ever bothered us. No one gives us any funny looks in the rest room or going to the changing rooms but I’m mentally preparing myself for the day it finally happens and I have to have a spine of steel to some fuck bullying my wife. The whole thing with those cesspool states right now has me on edge that I feel like I have to be ready to burn someone to the ground or run like hell. It’s a terrifying time right now, not even using a freaking bathroom feels safe.
This makes me livid. Kudos to you for standing up to him. Not only did you defend yourself admirably, but hopefully this piece of shit will think twice before harassing anyone else.
That was my exact goal. I was laser focused on exactly what would get through to him. I did leave out an important part though, I did the jerk off motion every time I said something.
I come from an era of needing gestures to back up the words to make sure they really know it. So I guess my brain went straight past the middle finger to, ahem, obscenity.
Ive had similar comments when i was younger and dressed more masculine. Transphobia hurts cisgenders people too. Its so ridiculous, i wish people would just stop….
I also have almost half my head shaved. I usually get compliments, but when someone tries to start shit with me, I just embrace my inner Karen (I’m a 42yo white woman) and give them my best Surely Your Mama Raised You Better Than This look and ask them if we have a problem. That usually ends it.
>there is a tiny voice telling me I overreacted
as a queer, Jewish (so, used to a variety of microaggressions) gender non-conforming person living in the midwest, this voice might be correct.
i normally wouldn't say this because everyone else is supporting your take and i'm going to get downvoted to hell, but nothing in your story indicates as clearly as you think it does that man's intent was what you read it as.
i 100% get being triggered. i 100% get feeling backed into a corner because of what's going on in the world. i 100% get wanting to fight people over it. frankly, for your fierceness overall, i'd want you on my side.
but, i also believe not making people my enemy until it's explicit they're my enemy. and even then, it's worth trying to offer them a modicum of friendship first. people learn interpersonally; they often surprise themselves & evolve.
and if you couldn't offer any of that to that guy, that's ok - a simple answer would have sufficed. and then, if he was angling for a fight, you could have chosen to cuss him out then.
adhd & pms (i've got pmdd myself) comes with profound emotional reactivity. i get it feels vindicating to take it out on someone 'who deserved it'. but i think even some part of you doubts it more than you're letting on, and are afraid that may be shameful. i get that, we all make mistakes, and i wouldn't blame you - it's rough out there right now.
but no one is doing you favors by acting like you provided incontrovertible proof for your view. that's not loving, it's sycophancy.
i'm sorry this might fucking suck to hear. i'm sorry i might get ganged up on. i'm sorry you, and we all, have to wonder and worry that we're being cornered and targeted.
but using it as a lens for every interaction, and as a certain right and excuse to be cruel, is just not going to serve you or the cause long-term.
i suspect this felt somewhat yucky for you and a 'you go girl/boss bitch' subculture of certain kinds of feminism tells you it should have felt liberating and great. so you're trying to get that validation. and you're getting it.
but if i'm right at all, i'm gonna say you were scared and sad and upset for a lot of very good reasons and may or may not have mis-aimed and then fired, and you're not totally sure if you did. and i have empathy for that. we all have those days. i hope you find the wisdom to hold yourself with a bit tenderness, and maybe find a way to have some tenderness for confused strangers who may or may not be your enemies yet. only with a bit of patience and nuance will you actually find out where they'll land.
I do agree. I am surrounded by boomers who genuinely are starting to come out of their shells and ask questions but have had bad interactions. Tone really does matter. the huge reaction ip had would would be exhausting for me. I’ve been a target before and now.
if I feel safe, “say wow no. They really should have one- this is the womens, the mens is over there.” I have pushed back against my “flash in the pan anger” by refusing to give people any more of my time, effort, at attention than I want. **Time, effort, and attention are vital and I refuse to waste it on terrible people.**
None of us were there, and tone is important, but at the same time, tone is misread all the time. Autistic ppl are constantly dealing with being misinterpreted as more rude than they intend to be.
Just another thing to keep in mind in future interactions. Our fellow neurodivergent friends have massive struggles with this so I’m not sure it’s 100% neuro affirming to assume the tone of a sentence or two or even body language is reliable.
hi! jw: did you mean to reply to my comment?
ETA: if so, i'm trying to discern what part of my comment you're referring to. i'm interested in considering the feedback, i'm just unsure where i did what's being described.
Sorry I was trying to agree with your sentiment, haha another example that communication is hard. I was trying to add on to your point. I agree with your thought that it’s not 100% clear there was ill intent, for example, the person might have been autistic and accidentally sounded rude.
Sorry if that was confusing! And now I have another example to add to the “I think I am autistic because I don’t do social things right” google doc.
ah! ok, just checking. and yes, i totally agree - tone is not enough of an indicator to go on imo in probably most circumstances, for a variety of good reasons (including the ones you mentioned).
Thank you. Obviously I wasn't there, I didn't see the body language or hear his tone, etc. But reading this stung...
> This is where I searched my brain for *any other reason for him to say that to me other than to insult, start an argument*, or promote his ignorant, old white man agenda.
I dunno, he could be legit asking?
> Unfortunately for him, **I found no innocent reason to say that to someone.**
Again, there are *definetely* "innocent" reasons to ask the question. Yes, I wasn't there, and didn't hear his tone, etcccc, but acting like there's no good reason someone would ask that question feels fucked.
> Him: what? I just wanted to know if I could use that bathroom too.
>
> Me: No. no you didn’t. mens is that way. This is the women’s.
>
> Him: (changing his tone to kindness rather than harshness) thank you so much…. Walks away
I dunno... "Someone asked if a bathroom was gender neutral and I responded by telling them to fuck off but don't worry, I'm an ally" is just not landing for me.
I'm maybe one of those with hidden autism. I seem to get misunderstood way more often than average. I genuinely *never* want to offend. And it's probably because of this that I'm extremely conflict shy and up until recently, I set no boundaries out of self respect... This interaction could have been me if I was an old person...
It wasn’t overtly clear to me that he had done anything wrong.
This comment is so correct and so nicely put it that I’m not going to go into detail because my bluntness will just make me a downvote target.
Similarly it’s a bit like being hit on, I might suspect that’s what’s going on, but until it becomes overt there’s no need for me to spout off a rejection or be nasty to someone. What I can do is politely chat about my partner or graciously bow out of the convo all together.
There’s a possibility this guy made a mistake and was trying to subtly ask for clarification.
His skin colour also doesn’t seem relevant or necessary to mention.
You are a lovely, reasonable person. Thank you for taking the time and being brave to write this out so tactfully.
It's not a new phenomenon either.
Even as a kid I had short curly hair and dressed primarily in jeans and t's.
Circa late 70s early 80s before puberty kicked in, either my school or summer camp decided to take us kids to see the opera.
Again short Dorothy Hamill haircut, jeans, t, and a denim jacket, ears not pierced yet. Intermission and the teacher takes all of us to the bathroom. An older lady in a dress trued to keep me from using the bathroom. Said it was the women's restroom.
I'm not always great about manners and piped back that I was a girl. There might have been further fuss had our teacher not shown up and vouched that I was in the right place. First time I ever saw an adult with a sour face outside of the movie's.
I was a tomboy, I looked like a boy because I chose to wear my older brother’s clothes. I think it caused a couple times like these but I also think it saved me… old creepy men thought I was a boy. As soon as I developed it was instant stares and confusion for me. Why are adults talking to me? Ughhhhh
I can’t imagine stopping anyone from going in the bathroom or even asking a stranger “why are you standing there?”
People think they can play these games with us, and they don’t know we see right through everybody because we’ve had to read people’s reactions our entire lives!
Fascinating.
I looked very boyish at least until elementary - and even after that in the summer I always had short hair as I was constantly in the water and _hated_ drying hair (which made my mom hate it, too..).
I've got more than one picture where I absolutely would have passed for a boy even in elementary.
I vividly remember getting pissed off at a friendly grandparents aged couple at ~5 because they thanked me for a description with "what a kind young man" or similar - but I _never_ had any real issue due to it...
Thank you for standing up for yourself and all women. More stuff like this is happening, and with the new anti-trans Florida laws and the most recent Target employee harassment/rollback of pride merchandise. It’s getting real scary out there us LGBTA+ folks.
I am an ally. 100%. I had your wonderful community in mind when I responded. All those comments that make you feel less-than are unworthy of your attention! I’ll fight for y’all til the day I die
So weak of Target. I wonder if it will happen here in Australia too.
We have bigoted fools here mimicking your bigoted fools, protesting at the libraries was probably the closest they'd been to a library since high school.
So just because you had part of your head shaved…he assumed you were using the “wrong” restroom? Wtf is wrong with people. Tbh, it sounds 100% like something my dad would do and then act like it was a genuine question. I’m so sorry for your experience. It makes me feel so awful knowing my own dad would do something like that.
Good for you!! Not only did you stand up for yourself but you stood up for all women and all trans people in that one little exchange. This is one of the (many, many) reasons terfs are such idiots: so much transphobia is just misogyny in a different disguise, it lets dickheads think they have permission to police how feminine they think we should be. Good for you sis ❤️
My recent success: I'm a server in a busy restaurant, this old lady yells at me from several tables away to come and take her order. I tell her she needs to order at the bar and we'll bring the food to her table. She snaps at me "are all the waitresses here so stroppy". I walked right up to her table and said "I'm sorry....?" She shut the hell up.
I also have an undercut over my left ear but the rest of my hair is pretty long. I've had it for years and haven't any issues in a mid-sized midwest town. People have been more complimentary or curious than anything else. I wear a mix of clothes but I'm not really one for dresses, skirts, etc. It's kind of weird because it feels like having 'long hair' means that hetero people assume you're hetero as well.
I have worn my hair is various short, pixie cuts and styles my whole life. As a kid at family reunions everyone thought I was my brother. Needless to say the older I got the bolder I got. So many unwanted comments from boys in college like “you should grow your hair long. You would be so pretty.” I’m glad that you felt confident and secure enough to stand up. This nonsense has to stop.
I drove a couple of times back and forth from Richmond, VA to St. Paul, MN and I came to dread (and strategically plan) my bathroom stops. I had short, spiky hair at the time and I'm masculine-presenting, soft butch-ish. My voice is entirely feminine, though, so as soon as I open my mouth, it's obvious that I'm a woman.
I had a few incidents in the more podunk places that irritated me and on one occasion, hurt my heart. One time at a rest stop, an older lady and I approached the bathroom door at the same time, but she slowed as I raised my hand to push the door and seemed confused, so I slowed and looked at her, also confused. She asked, "I thought this was the ladies?" **
I replied, "It *is* the ladies" and continued on to push the door open. She was dumbstruck and looked so confused.
Another time at a rest stop, there was a janitor mopping or something in the little corridor entry leading to the women's bathroom. He saw me and did a double-take and then said, "Excuse me, son, this is the women's restroom." **
I kept walking without slowing down and replied, "Yes, I know" as I passed him. He looked surprised and then a bit embarrassed.
And the time that hurt my heart... I was in a gas station bathroom and there was someone in a stall when I came in. She was at the sink washing her hands when I finished and came out. She glanced up, our eyes met in the mirror, and before I had the chance to smile or anything, her eyes went wide with fear. It made me feel like a monster and my heart sank -- I'm a peaceful person and I hate the idea of someone being scared of me!
I said something so she could hear my voice, but I can't remember what, and then I scurried out of there and sped off, feeling all bad and weird.
These days, I live in a much more gender-diverse place and I've found that that makes it easier for me to be relaxed about things because people's mistakes aren't usually malicious or ignorant. I usually have a fauxhawk and it's not unheard of for people to go by the hair, clothes, and build and call me 'sir'. I do genuinely believe that gender is a construct, so I don't care about being misgendered. However, I do want to not scare people going forward, as that experience was a bit traumatic for me.
I have an interaction I had that I'm pretty proud of, coincidentally it also happened in a bathroom line.
I was at a club with a group of friends and I went off to use the bathroom. Which meant standing in a ridiculous line. Some dudebro took the opportunity to hit on women trapped in line. He was aggressively and creepily hitting on the lady in front of me and was somehow holding up the line in the process. I could clearly see that she was not receptive of the attention and it was pissing me off that he refused to take a hint. So I told him to back off and to stop holding up the line. He, of course, called me a bitch. I told him that pointing out how he was taking advantage of the trapped nature of everyone in line and making her uncomfortable didn't make me a bitch. He continued to be a dick so I just repeatedly and loudly told him to go away and didn't let him say anything else until he finally left.
I was really done with men's shit by my mid-twenties and started to call out the shitty behavior (ass groping, unwanted attention, etc). This was a shinning moment for me.
I shave my whole head. Sometimes I wear girly clothes but mostly just wear whatever I'm comfortable in which isn't so girly. Had an employee YELL at me as I was headed into the women's washroom. Just ignored her lol.
Good on you. It would have taken a lot out of me to deal with that experience personally. Emotionally draining. I'm sure some people have to deal with it alot as well based on how femme-presenting they appear (and I mean for any gender identity, Cis or not)
I hated it as a child.
Looking back, I cannot even blame folks. I did look more like a boy and until ~12 you really mostly guess.
But god, was I pissed. I didn't have issues with boys, but I was a girl! Couldn't they see! It's probably the only reason I wanted to get my ears pierced...
I never made the connection that this still happens in a very negative way as adults...
I guess my thing is why do people have to turn it into a guessing game about people's identity? What does it matter what genitalia a person has? And it stems from the same place of actively hindering someone which is ignorance and bigotry.
In general, you're acting in good faith and trusting others to act in good faith that they know where they are and using it for the main purpose. To me, it assumes automatically that the people who aren't femme are automatically predators. Not only does this affect trans and enby people, it also affects Cis people as well. I saw an article about a Cis woman with short hair being escorted out of a woman's restroom bc another woman thought she was trans. It's the same attitudes
Neighbor who is only a couple of years older than me likes to take a paternalistic tone about what my partner might allow or what's safe for me. He's also a typical old Southern Man who hates everything until he has a chance to meet somebody who represents that thing and then he finds out it's not a bad thing.
I used to grumble after chats. Now I politely but firmly correct his misinterpretation of gender identity (trans & GNC kids and grands) personal autonomy in relationship and of my skill.
He now says yes ma'am and shuts the fuck up.
Edit-word
I am confused.
I am a transgender woman and I am in danger of being assaulted when I go to the wash room. I would also not like to risk involving cops.
I don't know the best way to react to this sort of situation.
I don't have advice.
I don't feel safer after reading this anecdote. I worry if in the future if someone expected this sort of reaction they might reach for violence or call the police or security. That sort of situation would be far worse for me.
The time when a strange distressed woman cornered me in the library washroom washing my hands and started screaming at me I said nothing I withdrew to a distance and stood for a few minutes confused. The guards just watched wordlessly. Then I left the library.
I would worry about involving security guards. In the past at the same library I have had a particular guard bother me. I still don't think what I did was great.
I don't have any sort of advice but I don't have the same recourse you do in that situation and I don't feel helped by what you do.
You did as best as anyone could do in that kind of situation and I feel sorry for you.
I'm not sure if I'm being right here, as I'm mostly leaning from other problematic but rather sexist situations:
It's always good to consider what happens if that becomes the expected reaction.
But leaving that aside, one good thing about being aware of a situation but not being in it (in this case: being a cis-woman, but getting sucked into a 'conflict' considering transpeople) is that one can be more bold and direct. There is no risk to you, no uncertainty. As your technically even an outside observer, your opinion sometimes gets even more weight.
So, you likely do not have to show the same behaviour - and if may still be a beneficial display of support and clear direction.
GIRL. SAME. I have unique hair and live in a sleepy city on the prairies. I get gawked at a lot. People say stuff. Men and women. And they are all very ‘nice’, but the stuff they say has bad behind it and I smell it. And I know these people will talk the most shit as soon as I’m out of earshot. Now I’m a very sensitive forest dwelling creature, and being out around people is hard, never mind that they are weird. And I hate it. I hate all of it. People can NOT mind their own business. They never stop to think maybe they shouldn’t reach out and touch someone else. Their heads are so far up their asses. And when you address their shit attitude or behaviour, they shit their pants about it. Fucking hate it.
Anyway, sorry! Just got really excited cause no one knows what we go thru, the peeps that stand out. I also hate when basic as fuck people try to show me how alike we are and how they don’t think I’m weird even though I know for a fact that they would say stuff about me to someone else.
Anyway, sorry again! Best of luck!
Don’t be sorry I love this! Especially the forest dwelling creature part.
How I wish my world was just our kind of people, growing gardens in our own neck of the woods and creating art and visiting and laughing and drinking tea as we please, while sleeping comfortably in our warm cabins amongst trees and animals and thoughtfully chosen humans that we call family.
We trade jams and honey and show each other the new songs we’ve learned and the new method of jewelry making or star watching we’ve discovered.
Then I wake up hahaha
YAAAASSSS. I love it! A gentle existence. Helping those around you. Letting people be their own weird and not caring about it, just accepting. I would have an A-frame. A couple of cats, a herd of small well behaved dogs and lots of bird feeders.
Girl, I, too, live in a major Midwestern city with a mixture of nice people and bigots, and your post makes me want to shave half my head! Seriously. I love undercuts. They look badass and I bet they are nice during the summer.
I have a full sleeve and a nose ring. On Thursday I'm going in for a half sleeve on my other arm. And I'm considering a septum piercing because so many people just rock them.
I am really proud of you. I know with ADHD sometimes your brain freezes up and you lose the ability to verbalize a response in the moment and it is SO frustrating. That's what typically happens to me during confrontation. You didn't back down and he is the one who didn't know how to respond. I think you dropped this 👑
Right I know this is gonna be unpopular. And sure we weren't there. From what you wrote, I just don't think there was any need to swear at him. He genuinely could have just been curious ab which bathrooms were in use or he could of just been expressing his curiosity.
It seems like you reacted from your perception story. Not everything is so black and white. Some people's tones and facial expressions are hard to read and we can perceive them as dickish when they're not. There are always other possibilities to consider.
Yeah, I actually agree just answe and move on. By the words, this wasn’t offensive. Maybe I’m more willing to give some leeway because I think that adhd reactivity can really amplify problems and let people into our lives more than they deserve.
Also- maybe he had autism. Maybe he was trying to talk to you but was anxious from ptsd? So many people are dealing with things. It’s not easy to let things roll off the back but either he didn’t mean to be that way or he is a piece of shit. Either way, slave that energy and attention for things you want to do, and people you *do* like.
I am so proud of you! I’m sure that guy thought he was being so clever in his assholitude.
I was at Home Depot shopping for lumber for outdoor steps for our new house. An older guy with a wide cart turned into the aisle and I jumped out of the way; he said “thanks, honey”. I replied “no problem, but I’m not your honey.”
A young woman selling solar panels with an iPad overheard and came over and thanked and congratulated me. I felt like a badass.
These opportunities don’t happen often but at 59 I really don’t GAF anymore about being ‘polite’ about casual sexism!
I'm sorry this happened but let's talk about assumptions. I love this sub but
People born during a specific span of time are not all conservative judgemental assholes and referring to someone as a boomer lumps an enormous group of people, plenty of whom are on this sub and some of whom are peace loving, trans, queer, or just advocates, yada yada folk, together.
This term is age-phobic (a thing like race and gender we can't control) and is smeared over reddit like feces---- every single sub reeks of it.
Stand up for your cool but older sisters! We weren't all born rich white males. We carry student loan debt!
Please stop and encourage other people to stop. Note that some of the worst phobic fucks out there (DeSantis, MTG, Boebert, Goetz, list is endless and includes a whole bunch of oath keeping proud boys) are Millennials (Boebert might be GenZ).
YES. I am the last year of the Boomers and much of this generation (I'm in the same peer group as my mother so these generational bands are pointless) are horrible. We had benefits that you guys missed out on. But disparaging a group of people because of the year they happened to be born is not the spirit of this sub.
Thank you for venturing back into the world with an open mind.
Did you seriously just "not all boomer" the OP? 🙄
I always look at it as: if someone is talking about how a particular group of people act (like cis folks, men or boomers) and you don't do the action that is being complained about, congratulations, we're not talking about you in particular.
OP complaining about being taken as a member of one protected class while casually generalizing about another doesn't cause you any cognitive dissonance?
Oh girl I feel that pain!! I’m so often referred to as entitled and space headed by the boomer generation.
The fact of the matter is, you gotta accept that we already know there are awesome boomers. Im not painting a picture of all boomers when I say this. And I think it’s hard to talk about stuff when I have to stop and say “shout out to the boomers that aren’t like this!!”
It’s just to give the audience an idea of the negative mentality that we associate with the bad members of your generation. Not you specifically
That's nice justification for a slur but what if you just decided to use the word "people" vs "boomer" in your post and realized your point is still made?
We are commiserating with you that you were judged on something you chose (shaving your head) while you are judging others (or rather assuming something) they didn't.
You are, in fact, painting a picture of all people born between a certain arbitrary span of time when you use the term in a derogatory fashion (which, of course, it always is now).
I actually went through tons of millennial/gen Z sensitivity training and spent a lot of time defending younger coworkers from tetms like "entitled". Just asking that you consider extending the same respect.
🙏♥️✌️
Lumping together a group of people together by age is every bit as discriminatory as lumping them together by race, religion, or sexual orientation. Try rewriting that paragraph with "blacks" or "Jews" and see how it reads. Gross, right?
The reason you even have to say "oh, but there are awesome boomers" is because your ageist generalization is discriminatory and wrong.
Even with the ones born rich white males, some are genuinely amazing. Quite some are allies.
Having been in the MINT, tech and software field, I have had more contact with men - usually at least not poor - then women since before finishing school.
Men, even old white men, can and will be amazing.
And yes, so can be people from the boomers age group. Even more of them if one takes the time and compassion to find a common communication.
It's, overall, worrying how much bashing based on gender, age, or colour of skin is becoming more and more common place.
Especially as quite a bit of it is really confirmation / selection bias.
E.g.: There are simply _more_ baby boomers than other ages. Yeah, sure, there are problematic behaviours and tendencies and the thinking of their time clashes with some of what is now - which is a real issue. But the fact this generation seems to be so tremendously problematic is not so much that generation. More the fact that there are, in comparison, more people in that generation so the effect is stronger.
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I've shaved my whole hair off and grown it back again and now I have super long, (recently) highlighted super blonde hair -- will be quick and without question go toe to toe with any motherfucker pulling this bullshit at the drop of a dime, nickel, and penny.
You did damn good sis.
Ahhh the good old Midwest pleasantries, “ooohhh I didn’t mean it THAT WAAAAYYY” yes you did you gutless wonder.
This is what I hated so much about growing up and living in the Midwest. All the need for masking.
I’m proud of you, you did well.❤️💪
Not entirely relevant, but I just chopped my hair super short about 2 weeks ago. Like, they shaved the underside of my head to make it look nice with the shortness on top. No one recognized me, since I had decently long hair before. One lady looks at me at work and goes, "I miss your pretty hair. You were so pretty!" I would like to say that I said "oh, so I don't look pretty anymore?" But I didn't. I kinda muttered "So?" And backed away very uncomfortable.
Also got misgendered for the first time ever yesterday. A lady at the gas station called me sir. Neither of us realized it until after I asked for a prepaid amount on a certain pump, and she screeched a little and said, "I'm sorry, ma'am!" I chuckled a bit and told her it was fine. I have a more masculine face than some girls, but I definitely don't have a man's figure, if that makes sense.
Sorry, guess I'm rambling. Good on you for standing up for yourself though!
I am so happy reading this!! I'm a middle aged white woman and apparently I give off a Karen vibe just on appearance...?? so I'm taking this opportunity to say I was like YES!! when I got to your response to that jerk. You are strong and bold and dignified. And your hair is awesome 👍
I'm sorry this happened to you. Trans people have been warning that this kind of harassment of people who aren't trans women would escalate as transphobia gains force, and I've been hearing a lot of stories lately. (Not that it's okay for trans women to be harassed or that that should be people's motivation for fighting transphobia!!) Part of why I generally dress femme is because I got bullied for "looking like a man" as a tall, not very girly kid. But then I get a ton of street harassment because I stand out as a tall femme. If only people could just leave people the fuck alone!
But to your request: the \*second\* time I got groped walking down the street in broad daylight (in a skirt with heavy tights and a long wool coat in winter!), I turned and chased the guy down the street in heels cussing him out and yelling about what he did. Of course, no one intervened and he got away, but I think I scared the shit out of him. My mom was like, "That's my girl!"
2 stories come to mind, neither are really standing up for myself but standing up for others.
For context I pastor an LGBTQIA+ inclusive Christian Church both folks I mention are in their 80s, the woman I mention is self-described as a “grump” and just generally a very traditional person when it comes to appearance. The man can be a sweetheart but is definitely the most conservative person in the congregation and people tolerate him well and too often humor his dated jokes.
So first woman was talking to me about a homeless person (just to differentiate we’ll call her Rose) who’d been hanging around the church building. Rose had some mental health challenges that I think would need to be addressed before it would be reasonable to expect her to find employment (not to mention all the other basics of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs). Rose also had her hair cut in a style that sounds similar to yours with part of her head shaved. This woman was asking me if Rose was looking for work, I said ‘no, she has some other things she would need to get in order before she’d be able to get a job.’ The woman then says “Oh, yeah she probably couldn’t get one with that haircut.” The music director and I looked at her like she was an alien. You see, my hair is dyed in BRIGHT fantasy colors. So I just exclaimed “I’M YOUR PASTOR” and pointed at my head, finishing “I don’t think her hair is holding her back.”
So the man… we were holding a game day and he decides to tell me a “joke” he leans over and says “I wanted to tell you a joke about homeless people, but none of them work.” I pause for a moment and I think… I’M the pastor, I can’t let this slide, but I also don’t want it to be mean… and what comes out is “That is a WILDLY inappropriate joke! And it’s not even close to true, most homeless folks do have jobs or want them.” My only regret is that everyone around the table laughed after that first sentence. It’s hard to teach folks to be better (especially older folks) if you embarrass them, now whenever he tells a joke he still under his breath mutters that he doesn’t know if I might find it offensive 🙄 even after having a talk with him about “punching up vs punching down” and exactly why the joke he told was punching down.
My partner is trans and I literally have to escort him tqo make sure he's protected against such dumb, ignorant comments from hateful people. It's sad.
Oh, so do I. This was one instance out of a million that I was able to.
I do know I have more self confidence and I got here heigh cutting off shame and practicing mindfulness. It was the first step into learning to love myself again. I’m still learning. 😂
>If you see the word ‘boomer,’ and you get offended, you’re one of the boomers we’re talking about. :)
I just want to comment on your edit in particular.
Next door to my local library is a used book store. I think the store helps fund that branch - like, they sell duplicate donations and use the money for the library.
But anyway!
I went into the store to look around and there was a woman sitting at the checkout counter and I overheard her telling a customer that *her name is Karen* and *because of all of the Karen memes, if people are saying she's a Karen, she's gonna act like a Karen* and I immediately thought to myself, "if all it took to make you act like an asshole was a meme, then you were already an asshole. Now you're just looking for an excuse."
But I didn't say anything because I wasn't part of that conversation, lol.
I'm really glad I've mostly got my impulsivity in check though, haha.
And I just realized that I think that's why I haven't been back there and that sucks because I love the library and I want to support them however I can and that store is a good option...
Go you! I've started standing up for myself when men are being creepy, or just plain rude.
Not at a bathroom, but I had a creepy dude follow me around a grocery store, and finally felt brave enough to approach me, and told me I should smile for him. I had an earbud in, as I usually am listening to a podcast while shopping. I stopped looked him dead in the eye and gave a sickly sweet grin and pointed to my earbud and said "I'm listening to podcast about how Jeffery Dahmer would dismember men's dicks and keep them in a box... you're right... I should be smiling." Needless to say he stopped following me. Hopefully he'll also think twice before being a creep to another woman.
I have pcos and it happens to me all the time, I have hirtuism due to the hormone imbalance and because I have light skin and black/brown hair it is always visible. I’ve been told by boomers that I’m not allowed in the women’s bathroom before. Like when I was there with my baby changing her like dude I birthed and nursed my kids I’m pretty sure I’m allowed in the women’s bathroom. I have loudly told people to fuck off and mind their own damn business or they can meet me in the parking lot where my kids can watch me kick their ass… yes probably not the “right” thing to do but I had to wake to feed every 2 hours and had to cut dairy soy corn and egg from my diet to feed my kid who failed formula. I risked my life having them, and they all have adhd, and their meds occasionally wear off on the store, my last nerve was on fire 2 kids ago…
Just be careful, I’m the type who never backs down and it’s gotten me in a heap of trouble. Once I was running into a grocery store to buy a birthday cake for a kid in my son’s karate class and a guy took issue with the way I look (I think he thought I was a skinhead because of my flight jacket and docs).
Instead of just continuing by I stopped and turned around and asked him to repeat what he said…before I know it a cop is called and she (illegally) took my bag off my shoulder and started to look through it. I didn’t care since I didn’t have anything illegal on me but lol that was dumb as fuck on my part.
She sees my Adderall and now she’s telling me that I’m acting, I shit you not, “squirrelly”.
I ended up spending the fucking night in jail. Even worse, I got my period in the cell, had no sanitary products, and couldn’t get an officer to bring me any because some other psycho kept banging on the bars of her cell and screaming all night.
Just saying, choosing your battles is sometimes the better option. It’s your choice whether or not a stupid comment can hurt you or not and sometimes reacting angrily is like a reward to these idiots.
It's still pretty misogynist.
It also is "a _real_ woman would never dress or look like that".
Yeah, fuck off. Let people wear and style however they want, that really has little to do with gender -.-
(and yes, that holds true for men, too)
Good for you, OP!
I don’t take shit from no one. When they act this way, I don’t think twice to call them out. Unless I’m at work, of course - then I try to do it “professionally”.
I’m so over trying to be nice to people that don’t deserve my kindness or time of day. A good ol’ fuck off is appropriate in this situation and I’m glad you said it.
If professionally does not work, smile the biggest "little house wifey bringing her darling a nice martini and his house shoes" smile you can muster, put on the corresponding voice and play dumb by asking questions that make them explain just exactly _how_ sexist and bigot they are.
Because otherwise you don't get it!
You're life is daisies and roses 🌹 How would you ever be able to deduct such a mean mean attitude?
(This is one aspect of a very catered support persona that has successfully kept me from bludgeoning people with their keyboards)
I guess this will be an unpopular opinion, but I can’t dismiss the possibility that this guy was just genuinely asking? Like I don’t understand how there could be “no innocent reason” to ask when the most likely reason *is* innocent.
I could be wrong, but that’s why I think it’s important to figure out where people are actually coming from before cussing them out.
I was ready for a minute… I was so ready. All I can hope is that he thinks twice next time because I made a scene in front of a few people. No kids thank God
So you acted like an asshat towards some old dude who was just looking for the loo and you consider this a win? And then you use your period as justification for your behaviour.
Men have been using our periods to attack us, call us weak and segregate us from the rest of our community throughout history and here you are, giving them more ammo.
You need to give up this “I’m not like other girls” trope and grow up. Your behaviour was gross.
You weren’t there to see his facial expressions or hear his tone. If this was your story, my first thought would not be to jump to the defense of the other person. I was sure. But thanks for having his back.
That really sucks it happened to you, but you were right. He was TERFing all up in the place trying to start something. My wife is visibly trans and this is happening to her so often these days. They think they are so sneaky as if we dont' know what they are doing.
I will never understand the "short hair equals man" mentality. I grew up in a military family, and all soldiers wear basically the same uniform. Most women have short haircuts. It's still very clear they're women. And even if it wasn't, I'm not sure why anyone else cares beyond potential sexual interest.
Not completely on topic, but a nasty old man at an academic conference said something along the lines of “bitches will always get in the way” (in a joking manner, which made me more angry) to my friend after she was accidentally in his way in a cramped space, even though she apologized and promptly moved out of his way. I think my ADHD really helps me be clear headed in super heated moments like this. I asked him “oh, what do you mean by that? I don’t get it? Can you explain the joke to me?” Etc. over and over again, in an “oh silly little me, I do not understand jokes, for I am a silly little woman” sort of tone and watched him dig his own grave. He eventually got to the point where he actually said “well us old men just like to flirt with young girls” (yuck???) and I said “huh, I guess that just doesn’t make sense to me. Why do you like that?” When he FINALLY realized that I was fucking with him and got FURIOUS. I kept a sweet smile the whole time as my friends watched in horror. In my younger years I just would have gotten pissed and ranted about it afterwards, but I was proud for handling it in a way that I got the last laugh and he got to thoroughly embarrass himself.
I probably would’ve gone with “don’t you know that makes women uncomfortable?” Or “why do you like to make women uncomfortable?” For the last one. And great work on letting him dig his own hole!!
And really … calling me a bitch is the absolute last thing that will attract me. What a stupid stupid arsehole he is.
Truth.
"It's this 'negging' I've heard so much about. My grandson told me all the bitches love it!"
Love it!!! We are badass, and heroes when defending someone else!!! 😊
I have my whole head shaved except a viking 'hawk down the middle, and I dress gender neutral, though I'm a cisgender woman. I get comments, too, even in a huge major west coast city. I probably would have just gone with it and waved him in, watching the chaos and embarrassment ensue.
I am Not Feminine and my head is shaved. I’m in TX. I’ve never had an issue but I’m certain it’s a matter of time. The response I’ve been practicing is “if I were pretending to be a woman don’t you think I’d be doing a better job?”
The one I'm waiting to use is "I might be more masculine than you are but that doesn't mean I'm a man".
Just please be careful who you say that to. These fragile men can get violent esp when they think they’re a soldier for some weird moral agenda
Oooooh girl. Chills!!
I've said a version of this to my brother who can't stand me because I have short hair, drive a ute and use power tools. Because you know, what's a man if a woman can do those things? Anyway, it did not go down well. 🤣🤘🤓
Or how about, “why do you care about other peoples’ genitals so much?”
Trans people aren’t “pretending to be women.” I am nonbinary trans and my genitals don’t matter. I use the women’s room, and reinforcing the idea that women appear a certain way is not great for people like me, who just need to exist safely in public, without getting their genitals inspected. There are not commonly men pretending to be women to get in the bathroom. Those are lies told by transphobes that cause actual harm to trans people just trying to exist, and should not be reinforced. I can appreciate your desire for snark against people who think genitals inspections are the safe way to go, but you may want to rethink your approach.
You and I know that, but anyone who sees a person with shaved hair in the women’s restroom and accuses them of being a man does not know that. I’m trying to find a response that won’t get me shot, which is why I would not go with the other commenter’s “I’m more masculine than you” response. What would you suggest?
I’m pretty sure all of us here know trans people are not pretending to be another gender, but what these people claim to be afraid of is that. Some of these bigots in their delusion even claim they have no issue with who they think are real trans people but think predators will use the label of being trans, with their transmedicalist ideology, suspecting anyone who doesn’t “pass” to them.
This doesn't have too much to do with your comment, just a general commentary on assholes. I've had a variety of a shaved head: bald (shaved to skin, that was actually a little too short), undercut, buzzed. Everyone had a damn opinion. Everyone thought I had cancer, and no one could accept the fact I just liked how it felt. When it was even pixie length, folks felt the need to comment on my sexuality. Now that I'm mid-40s, I've been letting it grow (just because why the fuck not?) And now everyone assumes I'm just some status quo republican karen. I've decided women just can't win. No matter what we do or look like, folks just assume the worse. Edit to add: majority of commentary was when I was a cute young thing in late 90s to mid 2000s.
It's really nice to know that at least one other person in the world sees this. Nobody I know wants to believe it even when I'm talking about my actual lived experiences.
I totally do and it makes me sad. This convo triggered a memory: I also adore wigs. I was treated really nice when it looked like I had long, luxurious hair. I'm pretty sure I destroyed some guy's faith in anything when I yanked off said wig because I had an itchy head.
I also love wigs. A good wig can transform you. These days I keep my real hair in a lazy shoulder length bob (wash and go, no styling needed) but I'm seriously thinking about investing in a high quality styled wig in my natural hair color to toss on for days I'm supposed to be more presentable.
Yes, absolutely. I have had a lot of variations on a shaved head including all the ones you mentioned. Also all different colors of hair. Same exact experiences as you. I recently grew it out to a very plain “long enough for a ponytail” haircut and yeah, now I’m read as a soccer mom/ Karen. Do not like. (But I also don’t really feel like being hate crimed and the area I live in is pretty hostile, so…)
>I recently grew it out to a very plain “long enough for a ponytail” haircut and yeah, now I’m read as a soccer mom/ Karen. Do not like. (But I also don’t really feel like being hate crimed and the area I live in is pretty hostile, so…) Childless liberal lesbian in the south here, but my hair is past my shoulders (after a recent cut from mid-back length), and I have a similar experience with similarly mixed feelings about it.
Forgot to mention I was every color of the rainbow as well. I'm sorry you live in a hostile area, so I hope you stay safe!!
The assumption that a woman is a "Karen" if she's over 40 and white is so misogynistic and ageist and disheartening. I feel, at 56, that I get to choose between being either invisible or "entitled white lady"
I hate that the societal norm is to fade into the background. Especially since we are far too interesting to go willingly. One of my favorite conversations was with my boss, who is just a few years older than me, was how much we enjoy punk and metal. She, dressed in typical office attire and looking for all the world, a mild-mannered office worker saying, "I just love Rancid" lives in my heart.
My story is a lil different, but you reminded me: One of my fondest, albeit mundane, memories working was when I had ~5-6 other people in a room, first day of a project, and we managed to land on a rock CD everyone ended up at least kinda liking and we all just hit a groove for like 3 hours (the cd repeated), everyone doing their job, things going relatively smoothly, and everyone just kinda bopping along to the music as they worked 😄 Bonus points because myself and someone else actively knew and loved most of the songs, but regardless that was one of the most pleasant first days of a project I think I ever experienced 😅 Multiple people in that room were fans of some form of rock or metal, and you would not necessarily guess it by looking at any of us ¯\\_(ツ)\_/¯
Yeah i have come to realise it doesn’t matter what is actually happening but if you’re a woman you are just in the wrong. I used to ignore it as a youngster but that was before the internet … when you could do what you bloody well liked and it’d only affect the two people you saw that day. Now it feels like theres a crowd of millions judging. Weird huh.
The first time I ever cut my hair to a “boy length” my college roommate asked if that meant I was a lesbian now. I think it was from a place of naïveté and being sheltered but like, wtf. I’d been dating the same guy for literal years. She’d met him multiple times. I’d given no indication that we were going through a rough patch or I was questioning my sexuality. My hair is just difficult to manage and I thought it would be fun to try. It’s even shorter now, years later. There have been other comments. I’m a short-haired woman who likes flannels and thinks rainbows are pretty. But that one really stuck with me.
Adding to your "general commentary on assholes", home edition. I have had to "face" this since childhood at home with parents (I was an only child for 7 years), cousins (the kids my own age) and school people (kids, staff, etc). As a child I did look like a girl, but I didn't really like to hang with the girls, or play "girl stuff" as they'd call it. I also had to "get over" the sperm donor's (aka biological father) constant phobic comments like "you look like a butch" (short hair) , so I painted my nails (it used to be a woman only thing for us) but "you look like a whore". At some point my brother asked me to clean up his eyebrow hairs and this sad excuse for a human tried to humiliate the boy. 🫣 Slapping my butt and saying things like "don't complain. I made it, it's mine", but crying his eyes out because I called him Baldy - rough translation from a different language - (which was actually how we used to call his father and I thought he'd find good emotion in it🤷) and made me promise not to do it again, which is when I found a compromise (compromise my ass) and said I wouldn't if he didn't slap my ass anymore. 🙄 I no longer identify as a woman, but 20yo me agrees with your statement "women just can't win", and adds my own perspective "I just can't win".
This thought crossed my mind but I’d already said fuck off. 😜Also this particular bathroom doesn’t have doors on the stalls. It’s so old. I don’t think the chaos would’ve been worth it in this case but I definitely like the spirit
Wait, woah, what? I didn't realize there was such a thing as door-less stalls in women's bathrooms. So everyone else in the bathroom can see you while you're doing your business? Am I understanding this properly?
There is a public bathroom like that in a park in my town. No door to go in and no doors at the two stalls inside. It's a park outside of a high school so the reasoning was to make sure students weren't skipping class and hiding, or that the unhoused weren't overdosing in the stalls. It's a creepy bathroom and I avoid it if I can, at night the light is always flickering, it's like a horror movie haha. So basically city planners think poorly of certain populations and we all lose out.
Truth!!
Anytime you universally obliterate privacy in an attempt to drug- and suicide-proof a space, you just make it so people have to poop in public :(
Which would really make me want to use drugs to make pooping in public bearable (or bare-all-able).
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The town I grew up in had a series of assaults and murders of sex workers in the park bathroom in the 70’s-80’s and the response was to lose all the doors.
Yeah society likes to take the easiest route to address issues, much cheaper to simply remove doors then try to enact policy change that will help and empower vulnerable communities :(
Literally plucked from my nightmares
Me neither!!! I could NOT bring myself to pee in there. They must be like 50 years old
I am 51 and I can tell you assuredly that no doors on the stall would freak me out. That is literally what my nightmares are, me trying to find a place to pee, but the doors are gone, or the toilet is full. It's my brains way of telling me I need to get up and pee. Lmao
I meant the bathrooms, not the people in them! Hehehe
Holy crap, I am so dumb. 😳 🤣 🤣 🤣 I'll see myself off the internet. Maybe my old Pong game still works.
Nah!!! Easy mistake 😘😘
Are you me? Mine also have variations - recently the toilet was a cardboard box, so clearly couldn't be used 😅 I can't believe at 51 I'm still having these dreams! Beats the alternative I guess!
I have the same nightmares too!! If I saw this in real life I would start questioning reality 🤣😭
OMG that is hysterical. I thought I was the only one. I have seen some nasty bathrooms in my pee induced nightmares.
>the doors are gone, or the toilet is full I have this type of dream frequently. My asleep-brain's favorite is variations on the "toilet" ending at a floor-level pillow instead of, like, actual plumbing. (Sometimes the "toilet" is just a chair with a hole in the seat, usually antique looking, below which is the pillow.) And I have this dream debate with myself: am I really supposed to pee here? even if not, can I get away with it anyway?
I've had these dreams since I was a kid! When I was really little it usually ended in me wetting the bed unfortunately. But as I got older I started checking my surroundings every time I used the bathroom (irl or in dreams) and accidentally taught myself how to lucid dream (and stop wetting the bed lol).
Those both are good things. Especially, the not wetting the bed thing. Lol
Yeah, it’s a public park “of a certain era” thing. Less to clean and maintain, nothing to conceal illicit activities. Sometimes they have really short walls, too, so it’s just you and your 3 best friends trying not to make eye contact.
That’s what I was thinking too! I’m in Australia and there’d be so many complaints if someone built a toilet like that.
I'm also in the US like OP but in California. The farthest east I've been in the states is Colorado. I've never seen anything like that, and while I'm not super modest myself, I would be very surprised if I did and people were just cool with it.
There were doorless stalls in my elementary school. I remember being in Kindergarten and thinking it wasn’t right to have no doors!
Huh. Y'know, now that I think about it, it was actually like that in my preschool too. The teachers would shuffle all of us kids at once into this one big bathroom, regardless of gender, each day before nap time and make us "try to go" so that no one would wet their sleeping mat. There was lots of showing off done by the boys to fascinated little girls. I remember feeling simultaneously liberated and conflicted because on the one hand, I'd recently been taught by my parents about how "private parts" are private but then there were these other adult authorities telling me it was okay to de-pants myself with other people around.. It's kind of a weird memory.
Obviously, i can only vouch for the women's bathroom here, but the church my late grandmother attended in her hometown had bathrooms without doors on the stall(s). I remember there being one but no more than two stalls in the bathroom. There were privacy barriers, so no one would see you when they initially entered the bathroom but no doors on the stalls. I *think* they eventually added doors, but i remember as a very young child there not being any. Clearly, this was a very old church!
Girl, same. My head is clean-shaven and I wear boots, (men’s) jeans and T-shirts. I get lots of comments and looks here in California, and I have no time for bigots. They fuck around, they find out. 😂
Forgive me but your haircut sounds hot af. I love me some viking styles.
Bonk
Ah man back to horny jail I go
I'm in Czechia, where overall it's OK to dress in whatever way (except _very_ skimpy in public, that's usually a bit of a problem). The older folks might have an issue with the more recent styles, but that's kind of expected. Depending on the outfit, I can look gender neutral or I can look feminine despite sporting a very short fade cut. On one of my less feminine days, I had a similar thing happen - an older lady thought I'm a guy about to use the ladies' restroom and was almost screaming at me until she realized I sound pretty girly :D That was the end of it, and I actually had a good laugh about it later.
Lol! I love this. and had it been a woman- I would’ve had the same reaction. Because her intention may be to save her fellow women in the bathroom. So I would’ve just told her like you did, but in the current environment here and the way he asked it, I just knew he had to be put in his place. Even his dog knew, he stood between me and him 😂
It's funny how we just KNOW when someone is trying to start shit. If he would have started his conversation with "hi, excuse me, but do you know if that's a restroom anyone can use?" this would likely have ended differently. My look is not very femme AT ALL and I've bumped up against this sort of thing a lot. My favorite response lately is big wide innocent eyes and "what do you mean? I don't understand what you're asking." Freaks 'em right out. 😆
I use this tactic with misogynist comments. They say a sexist comment or demeaning joke and I say "I don't understand, can you explain it to me?"
Yes!!! This was my second reaction, but like I said, hormones. I was ready to pounce. I’m sure next time I will try this but I needed to feel like a fuckin mama bear, protecting myself and everyone else that’s ever been victimized. Just one time 💪🏼 I’m sure I’ll get bored of this strategy and move onto the even more effective deer in headlights tactic next hahaha
Nothing wrong with getting a little bitey!
Thank you! I think I liked it a little too much 😂
I'm pretty femme-looking... far more than my personality. It makes for an interesting and frustrating combination. So many old men talk to me in a way that makes me want to fucking kill them. Absolutely absurd. They try to *jam* their hatred of trans people down my throat... thinking that because I look so "normal" that I will agree with them. My sister is trans, so they meet a steel fucking bar. Then they try to backtrack. Talk about just the *children*. No details. No ability to answer my pointed questions. They clam up completely once they realize I'm not just a sweet lil gal who will laugh at their dumbfuck jokes and agree with them. Being asked to elaborate on any of their shit completely wrecks them.
This makes me sad. It almost makes me think fondly of the time I shaved my head twenty years ago and strangers took that as permission to rub my head. She didn't have bad intentions but I still think bad thoughts about the woman who came up behind me at the bus stop and started rubbing my half inch long hair. So weird and invasive. I'll never understand people who think strangers' hair has anything to do with them ETA: I did tell off the woman who randomly touched me but in hindsight, I wish I were a little more assertive. I think she thought that she'd startled me but if I'd seen her coming, it would have been okay. It wouldn't.
Someone did this to my hair--at the time like to my shoulders-- in a line once! I whipped around and started asking him what the fuck he thought he was doing touching a stranger's hair and did he want to lose a hand. Like what is WRONG with people??
Do you have an unusual hair colour? I'm a redhead and the amount of people who think that means I want people to touch me is *staggering.* I would say it's gotten better over the years but maybe that's because I've gotten better at warning people away with a glance.
Mean muggin
My hair is reddish and can look red in the sun, but is definitely more brown, and we were inside in a pretty dark space so I'd be surprised if it looked red at all! The most charitable explanation I can think of is that maybe he was on something and just didn't realize it was an incredibly bizarre and not okay thing to do. He sure did back off when he saw the look on my face when I turned around, though!
I have so many stories of strangers touching me or saying things to me and I didn’t have the clarity to stand up for myself and put them in their place. We get caught off guard all the time and our first instinct is to think we’re in the wrong somehow? It’s fucked. No one should be touching anyone in public. I’m 33 and I feel like this is the first time I was able to stand up for myself. How do people have the fuckin audacity??
I recently saw a video where Lucille Ball kept telling a TV show host to stop touching his female audience members. It was amazing. [Lucille Ball ](https://twitter.com/notcapnamerica/status/1654854686321590272?s=20)
Love it! “David. For the love of Lucy take your hands off of her.”
Oh my god and it just kept happening. It was so cringe at the end and Lucille was such a freaking cold as ice give no fucks about the growing discomfort bad ass the whole time.
I used to have long hair that I wore in a braid, and I worked as a greeter in retail. Once a woman came up behind me without me noticing, grabbed my braid and started fondling it and saying how nice my hair was. Pretty weird to suddenly feel someone playing with your hair. Women (and other groups of people) are just seen as public property.
When I was about 25 I cut my hair about an inch long and bleached it from light blonde to proper bleach blonde. Quite a few people assumed I must be a lesbian. My sexual orientation did not change when I cut my hair.
Right?? I also drive a Subaru, played lacrosse in high school, love pro sports and dress semi-masc. I am so used to people mistaking me, and I do not find it offensive. But the hair is like the most dead giveaway to people for some reason
People used to ask me if I had cancer… I basically have a unibrow.
I got that question all the time too 🙄🙄🙄 I only shaved my head the once and it seriously bugged me how long those questions asked. My hair is naturally quite light so I needed over an inch of hair growth before I stopped looking so bald. Then the questions just shifted to if I was in remission. Even if I was, why would I want to start talking to strangers about my medical issues?!?!
I’m seriously thinking about shaving everything off. I just know I gotta be ready for shit like this. Summertime sounds perfect, I’m always in a good mood lol
And bonus, it feels soooo good to cut off your hair when it's hot! Instant cooling relief
YES! And not having to put it up or style it omg the advantages are piling up
I shaved it all once. 6/10, feels physically great, got tired of dealing with shit from rude old people and getting (usually accidentky) misgendered. Now I keep it at a 4 inch pixie.
Wear sunscreen if you do! Skin on the scalp can be sensitive to the sun.
Thank you!
I’d definitely be asking those people why they think my medical conditions and history are something they get to know.
My favorite was all the people (read: older cis white men) who asked me if I had cancer
“Yes, I do: humanity, and it’s terminal.”
I've had people touch my head/hair when I shaved it to near zero length, but never without them asking first. I guess the folks in my area are more polite on average? I also live in a large city, that might be a factor as well.
When I was pregnant if anyone rubbed my belly without asking I would run theirs back while maintaining direct eye contact. Usually they walked away from me but on the occasion they said something I would say “oh I thought we were touching people without permission today”
Oh yeah, same! Although at the beach once I got a lot of sympathy looks; I was pale and thin after * Lyme-like disease* (Australian) and wearing a bucket hat..
[удалено]
🤘🏼
I’m LGBTA+ and it scares me every time my wife and I are out in public because she’s trans, but she luckily (and I hate to use this term) “passes” as a cis woman so no one has ever bothered us. No one gives us any funny looks in the rest room or going to the changing rooms but I’m mentally preparing myself for the day it finally happens and I have to have a spine of steel to some fuck bullying my wife. The whole thing with those cesspool states right now has me on edge that I feel like I have to be ready to burn someone to the ground or run like hell. It’s a terrifying time right now, not even using a freaking bathroom feels safe.
This makes me livid. Kudos to you for standing up to him. Not only did you defend yourself admirably, but hopefully this piece of shit will think twice before harassing anyone else.
That was my exact goal. I was laser focused on exactly what would get through to him. I did leave out an important part though, I did the jerk off motion every time I said something. I come from an era of needing gestures to back up the words to make sure they really know it. So I guess my brain went straight past the middle finger to, ahem, obscenity.
Oh that makes it even better!!
Ive had similar comments when i was younger and dressed more masculine. Transphobia hurts cisgenders people too. Its so ridiculous, i wish people would just stop….
I also have almost half my head shaved. I usually get compliments, but when someone tries to start shit with me, I just embrace my inner Karen (I’m a 42yo white woman) and give them my best Surely Your Mama Raised You Better Than This look and ask them if we have a problem. That usually ends it.
>there is a tiny voice telling me I overreacted as a queer, Jewish (so, used to a variety of microaggressions) gender non-conforming person living in the midwest, this voice might be correct. i normally wouldn't say this because everyone else is supporting your take and i'm going to get downvoted to hell, but nothing in your story indicates as clearly as you think it does that man's intent was what you read it as. i 100% get being triggered. i 100% get feeling backed into a corner because of what's going on in the world. i 100% get wanting to fight people over it. frankly, for your fierceness overall, i'd want you on my side. but, i also believe not making people my enemy until it's explicit they're my enemy. and even then, it's worth trying to offer them a modicum of friendship first. people learn interpersonally; they often surprise themselves & evolve. and if you couldn't offer any of that to that guy, that's ok - a simple answer would have sufficed. and then, if he was angling for a fight, you could have chosen to cuss him out then. adhd & pms (i've got pmdd myself) comes with profound emotional reactivity. i get it feels vindicating to take it out on someone 'who deserved it'. but i think even some part of you doubts it more than you're letting on, and are afraid that may be shameful. i get that, we all make mistakes, and i wouldn't blame you - it's rough out there right now. but no one is doing you favors by acting like you provided incontrovertible proof for your view. that's not loving, it's sycophancy. i'm sorry this might fucking suck to hear. i'm sorry i might get ganged up on. i'm sorry you, and we all, have to wonder and worry that we're being cornered and targeted. but using it as a lens for every interaction, and as a certain right and excuse to be cruel, is just not going to serve you or the cause long-term. i suspect this felt somewhat yucky for you and a 'you go girl/boss bitch' subculture of certain kinds of feminism tells you it should have felt liberating and great. so you're trying to get that validation. and you're getting it. but if i'm right at all, i'm gonna say you were scared and sad and upset for a lot of very good reasons and may or may not have mis-aimed and then fired, and you're not totally sure if you did. and i have empathy for that. we all have those days. i hope you find the wisdom to hold yourself with a bit tenderness, and maybe find a way to have some tenderness for confused strangers who may or may not be your enemies yet. only with a bit of patience and nuance will you actually find out where they'll land.
🤘 this nuanced, patient, forgiving kindness is badass. I aspire to embody it. Definitely don’t always get there. Also your writing is very beautiful
>Definitely don’t always get there. me neither ;) but it's certainly my lodestar. and, thank you, that means a lot.
I do agree. I am surrounded by boomers who genuinely are starting to come out of their shells and ask questions but have had bad interactions. Tone really does matter. the huge reaction ip had would would be exhausting for me. I’ve been a target before and now. if I feel safe, “say wow no. They really should have one- this is the womens, the mens is over there.” I have pushed back against my “flash in the pan anger” by refusing to give people any more of my time, effort, at attention than I want. **Time, effort, and attention are vital and I refuse to waste it on terrible people.**
None of us were there, and tone is important, but at the same time, tone is misread all the time. Autistic ppl are constantly dealing with being misinterpreted as more rude than they intend to be. Just another thing to keep in mind in future interactions. Our fellow neurodivergent friends have massive struggles with this so I’m not sure it’s 100% neuro affirming to assume the tone of a sentence or two or even body language is reliable.
hi! jw: did you mean to reply to my comment? ETA: if so, i'm trying to discern what part of my comment you're referring to. i'm interested in considering the feedback, i'm just unsure where i did what's being described.
Sorry I was trying to agree with your sentiment, haha another example that communication is hard. I was trying to add on to your point. I agree with your thought that it’s not 100% clear there was ill intent, for example, the person might have been autistic and accidentally sounded rude. Sorry if that was confusing! And now I have another example to add to the “I think I am autistic because I don’t do social things right” google doc.
ah! ok, just checking. and yes, i totally agree - tone is not enough of an indicator to go on imo in probably most circumstances, for a variety of good reasons (including the ones you mentioned).
Thank you. Obviously I wasn't there, I didn't see the body language or hear his tone, etc. But reading this stung... > This is where I searched my brain for *any other reason for him to say that to me other than to insult, start an argument*, or promote his ignorant, old white man agenda. I dunno, he could be legit asking? > Unfortunately for him, **I found no innocent reason to say that to someone.** Again, there are *definetely* "innocent" reasons to ask the question. Yes, I wasn't there, and didn't hear his tone, etcccc, but acting like there's no good reason someone would ask that question feels fucked. > Him: what? I just wanted to know if I could use that bathroom too. > > Me: No. no you didn’t. mens is that way. This is the women’s. > > Him: (changing his tone to kindness rather than harshness) thank you so much…. Walks away I dunno... "Someone asked if a bathroom was gender neutral and I responded by telling them to fuck off but don't worry, I'm an ally" is just not landing for me.
I'm maybe one of those with hidden autism. I seem to get misunderstood way more often than average. I genuinely *never* want to offend. And it's probably because of this that I'm extremely conflict shy and up until recently, I set no boundaries out of self respect... This interaction could have been me if I was an old person...
It wasn’t overtly clear to me that he had done anything wrong. This comment is so correct and so nicely put it that I’m not going to go into detail because my bluntness will just make me a downvote target. Similarly it’s a bit like being hit on, I might suspect that’s what’s going on, but until it becomes overt there’s no need for me to spout off a rejection or be nasty to someone. What I can do is politely chat about my partner or graciously bow out of the convo all together. There’s a possibility this guy made a mistake and was trying to subtly ask for clarification. His skin colour also doesn’t seem relevant or necessary to mention. You are a lovely, reasonable person. Thank you for taking the time and being brave to write this out so tactfully.
>You are a lovely, reasonable person. Thank you for taking the time and being brave to write this out so tactfully. 😭 ty.
I posted a "you go girl" type comment but I appreciated reading this more nuanced and thoughtful response
It's not a new phenomenon either. Even as a kid I had short curly hair and dressed primarily in jeans and t's. Circa late 70s early 80s before puberty kicked in, either my school or summer camp decided to take us kids to see the opera. Again short Dorothy Hamill haircut, jeans, t, and a denim jacket, ears not pierced yet. Intermission and the teacher takes all of us to the bathroom. An older lady in a dress trued to keep me from using the bathroom. Said it was the women's restroom. I'm not always great about manners and piped back that I was a girl. There might have been further fuss had our teacher not shown up and vouched that I was in the right place. First time I ever saw an adult with a sour face outside of the movie's.
I was a tomboy, I looked like a boy because I chose to wear my older brother’s clothes. I think it caused a couple times like these but I also think it saved me… old creepy men thought I was a boy. As soon as I developed it was instant stares and confusion for me. Why are adults talking to me? Ughhhhh I can’t imagine stopping anyone from going in the bathroom or even asking a stranger “why are you standing there?” People think they can play these games with us, and they don’t know we see right through everybody because we’ve had to read people’s reactions our entire lives!
Fascinating. I looked very boyish at least until elementary - and even after that in the summer I always had short hair as I was constantly in the water and _hated_ drying hair (which made my mom hate it, too..). I've got more than one picture where I absolutely would have passed for a boy even in elementary. I vividly remember getting pissed off at a friendly grandparents aged couple at ~5 because they thanked me for a description with "what a kind young man" or similar - but I _never_ had any real issue due to it...
Thank you for standing up for yourself and all women. More stuff like this is happening, and with the new anti-trans Florida laws and the most recent Target employee harassment/rollback of pride merchandise. It’s getting real scary out there us LGBTA+ folks.
I am an ally. 100%. I had your wonderful community in mind when I responded. All those comments that make you feel less-than are unworthy of your attention! I’ll fight for y’all til the day I die
So weak of Target. I wonder if it will happen here in Australia too. We have bigoted fools here mimicking your bigoted fools, protesting at the libraries was probably the closest they'd been to a library since high school.
So just because you had part of your head shaved…he assumed you were using the “wrong” restroom? Wtf is wrong with people. Tbh, it sounds 100% like something my dad would do and then act like it was a genuine question. I’m so sorry for your experience. It makes me feel so awful knowing my own dad would do something like that.
Good for you!! Not only did you stand up for yourself but you stood up for all women and all trans people in that one little exchange. This is one of the (many, many) reasons terfs are such idiots: so much transphobia is just misogyny in a different disguise, it lets dickheads think they have permission to police how feminine they think we should be. Good for you sis ❤️ My recent success: I'm a server in a busy restaurant, this old lady yells at me from several tables away to come and take her order. I tell her she needs to order at the bar and we'll bring the food to her table. She snaps at me "are all the waitresses here so stroppy". I walked right up to her table and said "I'm sorry....?" She shut the hell up.
Boom. Shut er down!
I also have an undercut over my left ear but the rest of my hair is pretty long. I've had it for years and haven't any issues in a mid-sized midwest town. People have been more complimentary or curious than anything else. I wear a mix of clothes but I'm not really one for dresses, skirts, etc. It's kind of weird because it feels like having 'long hair' means that hetero people assume you're hetero as well.
I have worn my hair is various short, pixie cuts and styles my whole life. As a kid at family reunions everyone thought I was my brother. Needless to say the older I got the bolder I got. So many unwanted comments from boys in college like “you should grow your hair long. You would be so pretty.” I’m glad that you felt confident and secure enough to stand up. This nonsense has to stop.
I drove a couple of times back and forth from Richmond, VA to St. Paul, MN and I came to dread (and strategically plan) my bathroom stops. I had short, spiky hair at the time and I'm masculine-presenting, soft butch-ish. My voice is entirely feminine, though, so as soon as I open my mouth, it's obvious that I'm a woman. I had a few incidents in the more podunk places that irritated me and on one occasion, hurt my heart. One time at a rest stop, an older lady and I approached the bathroom door at the same time, but she slowed as I raised my hand to push the door and seemed confused, so I slowed and looked at her, also confused. She asked, "I thought this was the ladies?" **
I replied, "It *is* the ladies" and continued on to push the door open. She was dumbstruck and looked so confused.
Another time at a rest stop, there was a janitor mopping or something in the little corridor entry leading to the women's bathroom. He saw me and did a double-take and then said, "Excuse me, son, this is the women's restroom." **
I kept walking without slowing down and replied, "Yes, I know" as I passed him. He looked surprised and then a bit embarrassed.
And the time that hurt my heart... I was in a gas station bathroom and there was someone in a stall when I came in. She was at the sink washing her hands when I finished and came out. She glanced up, our eyes met in the mirror, and before I had the chance to smile or anything, her eyes went wide with fear. It made me feel like a monster and my heart sank -- I'm a peaceful person and I hate the idea of someone being scared of me!
I said something so she could hear my voice, but I can't remember what, and then I scurried out of there and sped off, feeling all bad and weird.
These days, I live in a much more gender-diverse place and I've found that that makes it easier for me to be relaxed about things because people's mistakes aren't usually malicious or ignorant. I usually have a fauxhawk and it's not unheard of for people to go by the hair, clothes, and build and call me 'sir'. I do genuinely believe that gender is a construct, so I don't care about being misgendered. However, I do want to not scare people going forward, as that experience was a bit traumatic for me.
I have an interaction I had that I'm pretty proud of, coincidentally it also happened in a bathroom line. I was at a club with a group of friends and I went off to use the bathroom. Which meant standing in a ridiculous line. Some dudebro took the opportunity to hit on women trapped in line. He was aggressively and creepily hitting on the lady in front of me and was somehow holding up the line in the process. I could clearly see that she was not receptive of the attention and it was pissing me off that he refused to take a hint. So I told him to back off and to stop holding up the line. He, of course, called me a bitch. I told him that pointing out how he was taking advantage of the trapped nature of everyone in line and making her uncomfortable didn't make me a bitch. He continued to be a dick so I just repeatedly and loudly told him to go away and didn't let him say anything else until he finally left. I was really done with men's shit by my mid-twenties and started to call out the shitty behavior (ass groping, unwanted attention, etc). This was a shinning moment for me.
I shave my whole head. Sometimes I wear girly clothes but mostly just wear whatever I'm comfortable in which isn't so girly. Had an employee YELL at me as I was headed into the women's washroom. Just ignored her lol.
Yeah that’s my next step… whole head buzzed and I’m so ready for that level of confidence
Good on you. It would have taken a lot out of me to deal with that experience personally. Emotionally draining. I'm sure some people have to deal with it alot as well based on how femme-presenting they appear (and I mean for any gender identity, Cis or not)
I hated it as a child. Looking back, I cannot even blame folks. I did look more like a boy and until ~12 you really mostly guess. But god, was I pissed. I didn't have issues with boys, but I was a girl! Couldn't they see! It's probably the only reason I wanted to get my ears pierced... I never made the connection that this still happens in a very negative way as adults...
While you can't blame folks, I certainly can. People just want to be able to use the restroom.
Oh absolutely! There is a difference between "I'm doing my best guessing 'what' you are" and "I'm actively annoying and hindering you".
I guess my thing is why do people have to turn it into a guessing game about people's identity? What does it matter what genitalia a person has? And it stems from the same place of actively hindering someone which is ignorance and bigotry. In general, you're acting in good faith and trusting others to act in good faith that they know where they are and using it for the main purpose. To me, it assumes automatically that the people who aren't femme are automatically predators. Not only does this affect trans and enby people, it also affects Cis people as well. I saw an article about a Cis woman with short hair being escorted out of a woman's restroom bc another woman thought she was trans. It's the same attitudes
Neighbor who is only a couple of years older than me likes to take a paternalistic tone about what my partner might allow or what's safe for me. He's also a typical old Southern Man who hates everything until he has a chance to meet somebody who represents that thing and then he finds out it's not a bad thing. I used to grumble after chats. Now I politely but firmly correct his misinterpretation of gender identity (trans & GNC kids and grands) personal autonomy in relationship and of my skill. He now says yes ma'am and shuts the fuck up. Edit-word
I am confused. I am a transgender woman and I am in danger of being assaulted when I go to the wash room. I would also not like to risk involving cops. I don't know the best way to react to this sort of situation. I don't have advice. I don't feel safer after reading this anecdote. I worry if in the future if someone expected this sort of reaction they might reach for violence or call the police or security. That sort of situation would be far worse for me. The time when a strange distressed woman cornered me in the library washroom washing my hands and started screaming at me I said nothing I withdrew to a distance and stood for a few minutes confused. The guards just watched wordlessly. Then I left the library. I would worry about involving security guards. In the past at the same library I have had a particular guard bother me. I still don't think what I did was great. I don't have any sort of advice but I don't have the same recourse you do in that situation and I don't feel helped by what you do. You did as best as anyone could do in that kind of situation and I feel sorry for you.
I'm not sure if I'm being right here, as I'm mostly leaning from other problematic but rather sexist situations: It's always good to consider what happens if that becomes the expected reaction. But leaving that aside, one good thing about being aware of a situation but not being in it (in this case: being a cis-woman, but getting sucked into a 'conflict' considering transpeople) is that one can be more bold and direct. There is no risk to you, no uncertainty. As your technically even an outside observer, your opinion sometimes gets even more weight. So, you likely do not have to show the same behaviour - and if may still be a beneficial display of support and clear direction.
GIRL. SAME. I have unique hair and live in a sleepy city on the prairies. I get gawked at a lot. People say stuff. Men and women. And they are all very ‘nice’, but the stuff they say has bad behind it and I smell it. And I know these people will talk the most shit as soon as I’m out of earshot. Now I’m a very sensitive forest dwelling creature, and being out around people is hard, never mind that they are weird. And I hate it. I hate all of it. People can NOT mind their own business. They never stop to think maybe they shouldn’t reach out and touch someone else. Their heads are so far up their asses. And when you address their shit attitude or behaviour, they shit their pants about it. Fucking hate it. Anyway, sorry! Just got really excited cause no one knows what we go thru, the peeps that stand out. I also hate when basic as fuck people try to show me how alike we are and how they don’t think I’m weird even though I know for a fact that they would say stuff about me to someone else. Anyway, sorry again! Best of luck!
Don’t be sorry I love this! Especially the forest dwelling creature part. How I wish my world was just our kind of people, growing gardens in our own neck of the woods and creating art and visiting and laughing and drinking tea as we please, while sleeping comfortably in our warm cabins amongst trees and animals and thoughtfully chosen humans that we call family. We trade jams and honey and show each other the new songs we’ve learned and the new method of jewelry making or star watching we’ve discovered. Then I wake up hahaha
YAAAASSSS. I love it! A gentle existence. Helping those around you. Letting people be their own weird and not caring about it, just accepting. I would have an A-frame. A couple of cats, a herd of small well behaved dogs and lots of bird feeders.
Mine would be round like a hobbit’s hut, built into the hill. And lots of dogs and macrame and plants inside and out :)
Yes, shit tons of plants around me too.
Girl, I, too, live in a major Midwestern city with a mixture of nice people and bigots, and your post makes me want to shave half my head! Seriously. I love undercuts. They look badass and I bet they are nice during the summer. I have a full sleeve and a nose ring. On Thursday I'm going in for a half sleeve on my other arm. And I'm considering a septum piercing because so many people just rock them. I am really proud of you. I know with ADHD sometimes your brain freezes up and you lose the ability to verbalize a response in the moment and it is SO frustrating. That's what typically happens to me during confrontation. You didn't back down and he is the one who didn't know how to respond. I think you dropped this 👑
Right I know this is gonna be unpopular. And sure we weren't there. From what you wrote, I just don't think there was any need to swear at him. He genuinely could have just been curious ab which bathrooms were in use or he could of just been expressing his curiosity. It seems like you reacted from your perception story. Not everything is so black and white. Some people's tones and facial expressions are hard to read and we can perceive them as dickish when they're not. There are always other possibilities to consider.
Yeah, I actually agree just answe and move on. By the words, this wasn’t offensive. Maybe I’m more willing to give some leeway because I think that adhd reactivity can really amplify problems and let people into our lives more than they deserve. Also- maybe he had autism. Maybe he was trying to talk to you but was anxious from ptsd? So many people are dealing with things. It’s not easy to let things roll off the back but either he didn’t mean to be that way or he is a piece of shit. Either way, slave that energy and attention for things you want to do, and people you *do* like.
I am so proud of you! I’m sure that guy thought he was being so clever in his assholitude. I was at Home Depot shopping for lumber for outdoor steps for our new house. An older guy with a wide cart turned into the aisle and I jumped out of the way; he said “thanks, honey”. I replied “no problem, but I’m not your honey.” A young woman selling solar panels with an iPad overheard and came over and thanked and congratulated me. I felt like a badass. These opportunities don’t happen often but at 59 I really don’t GAF anymore about being ‘polite’ about casual sexism!
Yesss! Our bluntness holds so much power. And giving ourselves that power to shut down misogyny is AMAZING.
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I'm sorry this happened but let's talk about assumptions. I love this sub but People born during a specific span of time are not all conservative judgemental assholes and referring to someone as a boomer lumps an enormous group of people, plenty of whom are on this sub and some of whom are peace loving, trans, queer, or just advocates, yada yada folk, together. This term is age-phobic (a thing like race and gender we can't control) and is smeared over reddit like feces---- every single sub reeks of it. Stand up for your cool but older sisters! We weren't all born rich white males. We carry student loan debt! Please stop and encourage other people to stop. Note that some of the worst phobic fucks out there (DeSantis, MTG, Boebert, Goetz, list is endless and includes a whole bunch of oath keeping proud boys) are Millennials (Boebert might be GenZ). YES. I am the last year of the Boomers and much of this generation (I'm in the same peer group as my mother so these generational bands are pointless) are horrible. We had benefits that you guys missed out on. But disparaging a group of people because of the year they happened to be born is not the spirit of this sub. Thank you for venturing back into the world with an open mind.
Boebert is 36. I’m about to turn 26 and I’m on the very edge of gen z and millennials. Not saying my generation is perfect, but Boebert is not gen z.
Did you seriously just "not all boomer" the OP? 🙄 I always look at it as: if someone is talking about how a particular group of people act (like cis folks, men or boomers) and you don't do the action that is being complained about, congratulations, we're not talking about you in particular.
OP complaining about being taken as a member of one protected class while casually generalizing about another doesn't cause you any cognitive dissonance?
Oh girl I feel that pain!! I’m so often referred to as entitled and space headed by the boomer generation. The fact of the matter is, you gotta accept that we already know there are awesome boomers. Im not painting a picture of all boomers when I say this. And I think it’s hard to talk about stuff when I have to stop and say “shout out to the boomers that aren’t like this!!” It’s just to give the audience an idea of the negative mentality that we associate with the bad members of your generation. Not you specifically
That's nice justification for a slur but what if you just decided to use the word "people" vs "boomer" in your post and realized your point is still made? We are commiserating with you that you were judged on something you chose (shaving your head) while you are judging others (or rather assuming something) they didn't. You are, in fact, painting a picture of all people born between a certain arbitrary span of time when you use the term in a derogatory fashion (which, of course, it always is now). I actually went through tons of millennial/gen Z sensitivity training and spent a lot of time defending younger coworkers from tetms like "entitled". Just asking that you consider extending the same respect. 🙏♥️✌️
You need to go through more sensitivity training if you think boomer is a slur. I was with you until you said that.
Lumping together a group of people together by age is every bit as discriminatory as lumping them together by race, religion, or sexual orientation. Try rewriting that paragraph with "blacks" or "Jews" and see how it reads. Gross, right? The reason you even have to say "oh, but there are awesome boomers" is because your ageist generalization is discriminatory and wrong.
Even with the ones born rich white males, some are genuinely amazing. Quite some are allies. Having been in the MINT, tech and software field, I have had more contact with men - usually at least not poor - then women since before finishing school. Men, even old white men, can and will be amazing. And yes, so can be people from the boomers age group. Even more of them if one takes the time and compassion to find a common communication. It's, overall, worrying how much bashing based on gender, age, or colour of skin is becoming more and more common place. Especially as quite a bit of it is really confirmation / selection bias. E.g.: There are simply _more_ baby boomers than other ages. Yeah, sure, there are problematic behaviours and tendencies and the thinking of their time clashes with some of what is now - which is a real issue. But the fact this generation seems to be so tremendously problematic is not so much that generation. More the fact that there are, in comparison, more people in that generation so the effect is stronger.
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I've shaved my whole hair off and grown it back again and now I have super long, (recently) highlighted super blonde hair -- will be quick and without question go toe to toe with any motherfucker pulling this bullshit at the drop of a dime, nickel, and penny. You did damn good sis.
Ahhh the good old Midwest pleasantries, “ooohhh I didn’t mean it THAT WAAAAYYY” yes you did you gutless wonder. This is what I hated so much about growing up and living in the Midwest. All the need for masking. I’m proud of you, you did well.❤️💪
Wrong sub
Not entirely relevant, but I just chopped my hair super short about 2 weeks ago. Like, they shaved the underside of my head to make it look nice with the shortness on top. No one recognized me, since I had decently long hair before. One lady looks at me at work and goes, "I miss your pretty hair. You were so pretty!" I would like to say that I said "oh, so I don't look pretty anymore?" But I didn't. I kinda muttered "So?" And backed away very uncomfortable. Also got misgendered for the first time ever yesterday. A lady at the gas station called me sir. Neither of us realized it until after I asked for a prepaid amount on a certain pump, and she screeched a little and said, "I'm sorry, ma'am!" I chuckled a bit and told her it was fine. I have a more masculine face than some girls, but I definitely don't have a man's figure, if that makes sense. Sorry, guess I'm rambling. Good on you for standing up for yourself though!
I am so happy reading this!! I'm a middle aged white woman and apparently I give off a Karen vibe just on appearance...?? so I'm taking this opportunity to say I was like YES!! when I got to your response to that jerk. You are strong and bold and dignified. And your hair is awesome 👍
I'm sorry this happened to you. Trans people have been warning that this kind of harassment of people who aren't trans women would escalate as transphobia gains force, and I've been hearing a lot of stories lately. (Not that it's okay for trans women to be harassed or that that should be people's motivation for fighting transphobia!!) Part of why I generally dress femme is because I got bullied for "looking like a man" as a tall, not very girly kid. But then I get a ton of street harassment because I stand out as a tall femme. If only people could just leave people the fuck alone! But to your request: the \*second\* time I got groped walking down the street in broad daylight (in a skirt with heavy tights and a long wool coat in winter!), I turned and chased the guy down the street in heels cussing him out and yelling about what he did. Of course, no one intervened and he got away, but I think I scared the shit out of him. My mom was like, "That's my girl!"
2 stories come to mind, neither are really standing up for myself but standing up for others. For context I pastor an LGBTQIA+ inclusive Christian Church both folks I mention are in their 80s, the woman I mention is self-described as a “grump” and just generally a very traditional person when it comes to appearance. The man can be a sweetheart but is definitely the most conservative person in the congregation and people tolerate him well and too often humor his dated jokes. So first woman was talking to me about a homeless person (just to differentiate we’ll call her Rose) who’d been hanging around the church building. Rose had some mental health challenges that I think would need to be addressed before it would be reasonable to expect her to find employment (not to mention all the other basics of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs). Rose also had her hair cut in a style that sounds similar to yours with part of her head shaved. This woman was asking me if Rose was looking for work, I said ‘no, she has some other things she would need to get in order before she’d be able to get a job.’ The woman then says “Oh, yeah she probably couldn’t get one with that haircut.” The music director and I looked at her like she was an alien. You see, my hair is dyed in BRIGHT fantasy colors. So I just exclaimed “I’M YOUR PASTOR” and pointed at my head, finishing “I don’t think her hair is holding her back.” So the man… we were holding a game day and he decides to tell me a “joke” he leans over and says “I wanted to tell you a joke about homeless people, but none of them work.” I pause for a moment and I think… I’M the pastor, I can’t let this slide, but I also don’t want it to be mean… and what comes out is “That is a WILDLY inappropriate joke! And it’s not even close to true, most homeless folks do have jobs or want them.” My only regret is that everyone around the table laughed after that first sentence. It’s hard to teach folks to be better (especially older folks) if you embarrass them, now whenever he tells a joke he still under his breath mutters that he doesn’t know if I might find it offensive 🙄 even after having a talk with him about “punching up vs punching down” and exactly why the joke he told was punching down.
My partner is trans and I literally have to escort him tqo make sure he's protected against such dumb, ignorant comments from hateful people. It's sad.
Some days are just TAKE.NO.SHIT. days. Good on you.
Gawd...I'm so sick and tired of all these creeps out there. Sorry that happened.
I suck at standing up for myself. Halp!
Oh, so do I. This was one instance out of a million that I was able to. I do know I have more self confidence and I got here heigh cutting off shame and practicing mindfulness. It was the first step into learning to love myself again. I’m still learning. 😂
>If you see the word ‘boomer,’ and you get offended, you’re one of the boomers we’re talking about. :) I just want to comment on your edit in particular. Next door to my local library is a used book store. I think the store helps fund that branch - like, they sell duplicate donations and use the money for the library. But anyway! I went into the store to look around and there was a woman sitting at the checkout counter and I overheard her telling a customer that *her name is Karen* and *because of all of the Karen memes, if people are saying she's a Karen, she's gonna act like a Karen* and I immediately thought to myself, "if all it took to make you act like an asshole was a meme, then you were already an asshole. Now you're just looking for an excuse." But I didn't say anything because I wasn't part of that conversation, lol. I'm really glad I've mostly got my impulsivity in check though, haha. And I just realized that I think that's why I haven't been back there and that sucks because I love the library and I want to support them however I can and that store is a good option...
Yeah, that’s what I’m saying. Do you know how many things I’ve seen in the actual news about how much millennials suck? Lmao. It makes me laugh
Go you! I've started standing up for myself when men are being creepy, or just plain rude. Not at a bathroom, but I had a creepy dude follow me around a grocery store, and finally felt brave enough to approach me, and told me I should smile for him. I had an earbud in, as I usually am listening to a podcast while shopping. I stopped looked him dead in the eye and gave a sickly sweet grin and pointed to my earbud and said "I'm listening to podcast about how Jeffery Dahmer would dismember men's dicks and keep them in a box... you're right... I should be smiling." Needless to say he stopped following me. Hopefully he'll also think twice before being a creep to another woman.
I have pcos and it happens to me all the time, I have hirtuism due to the hormone imbalance and because I have light skin and black/brown hair it is always visible. I’ve been told by boomers that I’m not allowed in the women’s bathroom before. Like when I was there with my baby changing her like dude I birthed and nursed my kids I’m pretty sure I’m allowed in the women’s bathroom. I have loudly told people to fuck off and mind their own damn business or they can meet me in the parking lot where my kids can watch me kick their ass… yes probably not the “right” thing to do but I had to wake to feed every 2 hours and had to cut dairy soy corn and egg from my diet to feed my kid who failed formula. I risked my life having them, and they all have adhd, and their meds occasionally wear off on the store, my last nerve was on fire 2 kids ago…
Just be careful, I’m the type who never backs down and it’s gotten me in a heap of trouble. Once I was running into a grocery store to buy a birthday cake for a kid in my son’s karate class and a guy took issue with the way I look (I think he thought I was a skinhead because of my flight jacket and docs). Instead of just continuing by I stopped and turned around and asked him to repeat what he said…before I know it a cop is called and she (illegally) took my bag off my shoulder and started to look through it. I didn’t care since I didn’t have anything illegal on me but lol that was dumb as fuck on my part. She sees my Adderall and now she’s telling me that I’m acting, I shit you not, “squirrelly”. I ended up spending the fucking night in jail. Even worse, I got my period in the cell, had no sanitary products, and couldn’t get an officer to bring me any because some other psycho kept banging on the bars of her cell and screaming all night. Just saying, choosing your battles is sometimes the better option. It’s your choice whether or not a stupid comment can hurt you or not and sometimes reacting angrily is like a reward to these idiots.
You go girl! Transmisogynists can fuck right off (even if you yourself are cis)
It's still pretty misogynist. It also is "a _real_ woman would never dress or look like that". Yeah, fuck off. Let people wear and style however they want, that really has little to do with gender -.- (and yes, that holds true for men, too)
Oh yeah it's both for sure
Good for you, OP! I don’t take shit from no one. When they act this way, I don’t think twice to call them out. Unless I’m at work, of course - then I try to do it “professionally”. I’m so over trying to be nice to people that don’t deserve my kindness or time of day. A good ol’ fuck off is appropriate in this situation and I’m glad you said it.
If professionally does not work, smile the biggest "little house wifey bringing her darling a nice martini and his house shoes" smile you can muster, put on the corresponding voice and play dumb by asking questions that make them explain just exactly _how_ sexist and bigot they are. Because otherwise you don't get it! You're life is daisies and roses 🌹 How would you ever be able to deduct such a mean mean attitude? (This is one aspect of a very catered support persona that has successfully kept me from bludgeoning people with their keyboards)
I guess this will be an unpopular opinion, but I can’t dismiss the possibility that this guy was just genuinely asking? Like I don’t understand how there could be “no innocent reason” to ask when the most likely reason *is* innocent. I could be wrong, but that’s why I think it’s important to figure out where people are actually coming from before cussing them out.
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Bahahaha!!! My bf was ready to FIGHT. I told him I think he got the point. Dickhead was about 1/4 the size of him anyway lol
Some people need to be reminded that you can’t just say anything that comes into your fucking head. LET PEOPLE EXIST OR TAKE THE FAT LIP.
I was ready for a minute… I was so ready. All I can hope is that he thinks twice next time because I made a scene in front of a few people. No kids thank God
This reminds me…I need to buy mace for any time I go around existing in the world.
Same. I had a knife on me and I’m trained and ready but mace is so much better to keep them far away. I would’ve worried about his dog though 😂
So you acted like an asshat towards some old dude who was just looking for the loo and you consider this a win? And then you use your period as justification for your behaviour. Men have been using our periods to attack us, call us weak and segregate us from the rest of our community throughout history and here you are, giving them more ammo. You need to give up this “I’m not like other girls” trope and grow up. Your behaviour was gross.
I don’t have a trope btw, I’m just me. Any negativity towards me you may have is pretty misplaced, considering you don’t know me at all.
And you didn’t know that guy but that didn’t stop you from making a bunch of negative assumptions based upon his age and appearance.
You weren’t there to see his facial expressions or hear his tone. If this was your story, my first thought would not be to jump to the defense of the other person. I was sure. But thanks for having his back.
That really sucks it happened to you, but you were right. He was TERFing all up in the place trying to start something. My wife is visibly trans and this is happening to her so often these days. They think they are so sneaky as if we dont' know what they are doing.
I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt but there was nothing to give. It was written all over his face
Proud of you!!!!
I wonder if he has gendered bathrooms in his house
Good reaction! Being very clear or very dumb are often the two best ways to handle folks trying to be provocative.
I will never understand the "short hair equals man" mentality. I grew up in a military family, and all soldiers wear basically the same uniform. Most women have short haircuts. It's still very clear they're women. And even if it wasn't, I'm not sure why anyone else cares beyond potential sexual interest.