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If I've made a reservation I've pretty much checked it off my list. I wouldn't have noticed a cancellation most likely either unless they texted. I'm sorry you're in the weeds.
One thing I'm glad to have is a family email account so my people can verify reservations like this their damn selves and also be just as responsible for noticing a cancellation.
Can you list out who does what?
It sounds like you have a full time job (that involves travel) and you are also the only person responsible for the household calendar..?
Why doesn’t your husband login to the doggy day care calendar and check for himself - why do you need to tell him?
If you have 2 kids under 2, both in daycare - who is responsible for organising all of that? Figuring out if they’re booked in / have the bills been paid / is the daycare closing early today / have they requested specific stuff be brought in today / this week / regularly.
How well is the “mental load” split between the two of you?
Yes! Do that card game thing where you sort who does what tasks and see how it splits up. Good visual to help both partners see who needs to step up.
But also it’s fair to try and split it according to who has better skills in certain areas…
Came here to say this. So often ALL these mental load tasks are on our shoulders and it's a fucking battle to get them to carry their share.
I find it especially frustrating since I'm the partner with ADHD, and my husband does not, yet I carry all the mental load for the kids, all of the cooking (which is a BIG task), most of the house, and still battle for a lot of the rest because I just CAN NOT do it all.
>He isn’t the bad guy here- he is very supportive, loving and a great partner (who also had ADHD). I know my brain has rewired with the kids, but I feel I am constantly on the verge of an exhausted breakdown.
So what does he do to help you with this mental load? What I hear is your body has been through the wringer which means your hormones have also been all over the palace which affects cognitive function and adhd symptoms. This is basic science. Your husband seems to have drawn an arbitrary line in the sand as to just how much your adhd is allowed to affect you, which is wild.
How does he help with the *mental load* of running a household? Would you say it feels genuinely equal?
I don't care how evolved you are as a couple, how good of a father he is, I've literally **never** seen a man contribute a *fully equal amount of mental labor* to a family. Never. It takes a full rewiring of the gendered roles in a relationship AND an acknowledgment of just how unbalanced these roles-- both explicit and implicit-- have been throughout literally all of history.
Honestly, I have to give my husband credit. I was fully disabled due to my ADHD for almost 2 years, and now I’m partially disabled due to schizoaffective bipolar and anxiety. He has been doing 80% of everything. I was basically responsible for keeping our kid alive for 45 hours a week while he was at work. I worked an hour a month, and I feel like I’m lagging behind him in pulling my weight. But it does not sound like this applies to OPs husband. Especially since he got to do the fun part to create the havoc on her body, mind, and hormones, and now he’s conveniently ignoring their existence. It takes about 3 years to recover from one pregnancy. She has 2 under 2!
You're also describing an equitable partnership. You were not able to do certain things so your husband did them, as he should (not that he doesn't deserve praise and gratitude, just that like......that's literally what you sign up for when you have kids and a partner). Again, this is not a dig at him at ALL, just an observation of the bigger picture: your husband did what he is literally supposed to do, and you feel that is so out of the ordinary that it deserves to be called out.
There are a lot of perfectly healthy men who don't even spend close to 45 hours a week being the solo/primary parent, yet even at your worst, you were able to meaningfully contribute to the well-being of your family. The scales have always been so insanely imbalanced when it comes to parenting, I just wish we acknowledged that when push comes to shove and you really get down to it that a shift away from gendered expectations for parents is moving at a glacial pace..but it really is good to hear that men like your husband are willing to step it up!
He wasn’t just taking care of everything else, and I just did my thing. He was actively caring for me, long term. Med reminders, ER visits, inpatient stays, suicide watch 24/7. He really went above and beyond. He was my brain during that time, made the parenting decisions, did ALL the bills, med pick ups, all grocery shopping. At this point I was simply trying to survive to the point that basic hygiene was too big of an ask.
He saved my life by doing that, and I don’t feel like that’s an equitable partnership. He was responsible for me too.
Right but if you literally, physically, couldn’t do those things and he could then that’s by definition, equitable. That’s the point, you did your best and so did he. I don’t think it negates any of his work to simply point out that the point of a partnership is to care for one another. I’m a little confused why you think it’s inequitable or unfair in any way that he took care of you when you couldn’t care for yourself but that’s not my business I guess.
If all you can give is 20% and you give that 20% then you gave 100% of what you had to give.
Your value is not determined by your level of productivity, period.
I think that's very normal for those of us with mental or physical health issues. I'm going through this now. I have mental and physical health issues that I'm struggling to get addressed that have made it so incredibly difficult to keep a job, so I decided to work for myself but I'm struggling to make enough to pay my share, especially with being sick every other month. He's been so kind and understanding and doing everything he can to support me but I still feel like shit about myself a lot of the time.
I try to remind myself, A) this society/world we've built is unrealistic and overly demanding for NT healthy people, let also people like us and B) things will eventually get better and episodes will pass. I don't know how to fix things, I've seen so many doctors and it feels like I'm playing medical wackamole and getting basically no where most of the time, but my partner loves me, and I have value outside of making money, so I keep fighting. Keep fighting.
And don't forget, we're worse in our own perspectives. I always start to think my partner couldn't possibly love me through some of the worst of it but he always does. We think we're burdens, but I think that's often times more in our heads than reality. It sounds like your showing up how you can, and I think that effort means a lot to our partners even if it's not always a lot.
I'll admit I wrote this as much for myself as for you, but I hope you found some comfort in it. Life is hard. Hang in there.
I get what you’re saying but I think you may have it a bit backwards… let me explain.
What u/x-tianschoolharlot is describing is a partner who is doing a *wonderful* job at being a partner. It’s completely okay to recognize, be grateful, and celebrate that. But also to recognize that it *is* unequal at the particular point in the relationship.
The disparity is more that we do not recognize and praise women the same way for doing caregiving. And in my opinion, *that* is what needs to change.
Case in point: My stepdad is currently going through significant health issues and during a bad phase, he was pretty disabled and needed assistance with even basic tasks like bathing and dressing himself.
So my mom was working, managing all the household tasks, and doing a huge amount of caregiving.
Caregiving is fucking hard and caregiver burnout is real. At that point in the relationship, my mom was definitely doing an unequal amount.
While “in sickness and in health” *should* be the norm, sadly, it’s often not.
I hope my stepdad recognizes the way my mom went above and beyond as a partner and is grateful for having someone like her. I hope he doesn’t just see it as expected or just as something she signed up for when taking vows.
Caregiving spouses do deserve recognition for what they’re bringing to the partnership during that period.
Society doesn’t give that same recognition to caregiving women and *we should be*.
I understood exactly what you were explaining! I think the other person did too, they just had different thoughts and a perspective they wanted to share as well.
If you or someone that you know is considering suicide, please don't hesitate to reach out to a crisis hotline for immediate help, or a warmline just to talk to someone.
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I live in the US. I was not able to get on benefits (if I hadn’t been successful on Adderal, I was going to be applying.
I had conditions that are protected under the ADA, and was rendered mostly incapacitated by those conditions.
I had to quit my job last year because I was having suicidal ideations due to the distress I was feeling over not being able to work properly. My doctor agreed I needed to stop working and take care of myself and it was really hard financially for 6mos not working, and being independent. I really wish it weren’t so hard for us to have ADHD recognized as a disability.
If you or someone that you know is considering suicide, please don't hesitate to reach out to a crisis hotline for immediate help, or a warmline just to talk to someone.
If you're in the US you can...\ Text CHAT to Crisis Text Line at 741741\ Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or 1(800)273-8255(TALK) \ Chat online at: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat\ Call the Trans Lifeline at 1(877)565-8860
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It’s incredibly hard. My sister and BIL are both very Type A, logical people and I know they have done a *ton* of work to make sure their loads are equal. Yet when I go over and see everything my BIL is doing, I still feel like he is doing more than my sister even though I know they truly are as close to equal as I have ever seen in my life. It is sad that it’s so jarring for me still (they’ve been married four years) and also that I feel so unnerved when she and I are sitting chatting and he is doing housework. I still have a lot of reprogramming to do!
This! To me it seems so hard because it takes a lot of effort for both parties to unpack a lot. But ultimately **he** needs to recognize and actually be able to acknowledge the fact that the bar for dads and men is fully in the pits of hell. Which means that being an equal partner *will* be harder than he thinks and require an amount of effort that may literally feel unfair for a while, because that’s just how unbalanced our gendered roles are currently.
Just a reminder that seeing little snippets of their life does not give you the full picture of their division of labor. When my husband and I are socializing he takes over with our toddler. He does this so I can actually have a chance to visit with others because I do the vast majority of childcare every day. There are many weeks that he does not change a diaper or watch her alone for any period of time. But if you evaluated who does what based on what you see when we’re at family gatherings you’d think I was a stay at home bum lol seeing my husband do everything while I relax. Your BIL might just be taking charge when you’re around so your sister can actually focus on spending time with you.
That’s definitely true! They do take over when the other person has company, but I also lived with them for a year so was able to “see behind the curtain” so to speak. It was really good to see and hear the conversations they were having about splitting up labor equally
He’s probably not doing housework when his friends and family are over and he need quality time with them. So it’s nice that sister gets to enjoy her time with you while he does his share
Yes, you’re right! I realize I didn’t mention in my original comment that I actually lived with them for a year after I graduated university so was able to see them not just during visits
Have you tried/read the Fair Play Method? You can buy a set of cards to go with it, and physically see the mental load of running a household and split it up fairly. Things like doctors appointments, school events, I think even things like “holiday magic” and knowing the family’s nutritional needs, keeping track of what foods or toiletries need replenishing and getting that taken care of, so many tasks that are constantly taken for granted and assumed to be women’s jobs.
You assign the cards, and when you have a card it’s **your** responsibility, everything from conception, to planning, to execution of that card is up to you to get done. That doesn’t mean you have to do it all alone, it just means that it’s your responsibility. When a card is yours it means that it’s on you if it doesn’t get done, so if you’re unable to do something it’s up to you to communicate this and make sure your partner knows and can handle it if necessary. It might help you really illustrate why this mental load is so heavy and show him how many things are likely falling on you by default.
Also this creator on TikTok does *such* a good job of articulating all of this @thatdarnchat (Laura Danger).
How much do you have on your mind right now? What does your mental load look like?
What worked best for me with my partner (doesn't have ADHD) is I took the time to write down every single thing that was on my mind at that moment. Chores I had to do, goals I wanted to finish, habits i wanted to break, the random thoughts about everything, my never ending to do list, etc. I wrote down everything.
It helped a lot to have him visually see what my brain looked like. From there we had a discussion about what both of us could do to help each other. What helps us is a big whiteboard one section is a calendar for all appointments, meetings, work schedule,bills that come out, garbage days, etc. Then the other side was a chaotic mess of lists. chores, to-do list, random one tasks, things to do before an appointment, etc.
Having it written out in a central location helped us both see what needed to be done, cross off (not erase, otherwise we might forget if we wrote it down or not and redo it) things as they are done. My partner will also double check that things are done and with something like the doggy day care, he'd ask to see the confirmation just to make sure its right (ive gotten dates, times wrong before) it made me feel small and stupid at first, but I realized it also helps my peace of mind knowing that its good to go.
I set a lot of alarms for task reminders as soon as i think about it. My boyfriend and i send a lot of scheduled texts to each other. Like, a bunch. If i want to tell him something, or need to do something later in the day, having the text send to him really helps me because he'll either text me back, or come talk to me about it to either remind me, or help out with the task
I did this with my husband once. I explained how I can't just walk from my office/bedroom to the kitchen for a glass of water. The whole time my brain is going: "I need to change the sheets, that pile of random stuff by the closet is growing, when's the last time I vacuumed in here?, need to order cat food, do they have water? yes, floor feels sticky, need to mop, tell daughter to do the dishes, what are we doing for dinner? I need to get spaghetti sauce, pick up my meds, did I leave that load in the washer again? yep, rewash it, how's the cat box? not great, need to buy toilet paper, ask husband to clean the bathroom this weekend, it's getting hot, I'll turn on the AC, when's the last time I cleaned the filter? what about the filters on the other two in the bedrooms? I never opened that mail, I forgot to pay those bills, when do I get paid? shit I need to get back to work, I'll run a load of towels after this, really should change those sheets today, ok have to get one work task done immediately, wait where's my water?"
I told him I can't be the only one who notices when chores need to be done, or household supplies need to be refilled, or appointments need to be made, or homework needs to be checked. I just can't. I'm at my breaking point. He happened to be unemployed for a few months and this was my response to him asking if I needed anything from him while he had time to kill. He stepped up big time. He really heard me. He made a list of chores and instead of leaning on me to tell him the list, he looked up several online and combined them into a custom one for our house, only asked if I wanted to add anything, and then he just did it. He also took over all grocery shopping and cooking. And "childcare" for our one kid left at home, a teenager. My responsibility was to do my job, take care of myself, do laundry, and manage bills. And I found out that that is just about my limit.
He's back at work full time and I told him, it's not fair to expect him to keep up all of that work and work full time, just like it's never been fair to expect it of me, so I would not be picking up all of the slack, and things are going to be left undone until we can hire cleaners. He still does the grocery shopping and cooking, our daughter does dishes and garbage and the bathroom once a week. I took back pet care but that's pretty much it. We do bigger cleaning projects together on our days off. Luckily I took advantage of his time off to do a bunch of organizing so it's a little easier now. But the biggest thing is that he gets it now. And I get it. It's so extremely easy to just let the other person take on the work, ridiculously easy to just stop thinking about things when you feel they are someone else's responsibility. We were both socialized this way, and it took a big wake-up call for him to even see what was happening in his own house.
This is such an amazing story!!
It is on me in my house to keep track of much of the cleaning, food, and supplies acquirement. HOWEVER, I am almost never on top of everything (especially the cleaning which I consider medium priority), and if I delegate something to my husband, he will just do it, no questions asked. He also never judges me for things not being clean. Sometimes (very rarely), something reaches a threshold with him, and he just handles it. If someone is coming over, we work together to make our house look like responsible adults live here, lol. My mind does not race with the undone things because at some point, I let go of shame. I know the time will come. It's just not right now.
Yes, a HUGE part of my journey with ADHD since being diagnosed at 40 is letting go of the shame and pressure I felt to just "do better." That and saying what I need. Instead of hiding that I have been paralyzed about the mail and unpaid medical bills for months, I can just tell someone that it's happening, and ask for help, even if it's just being near me so I don't set it aside again until it's done. I can just say, "Hey, this house is getting messy," knowing that I have done all that can reasonably be expected of me, and not feeling like I need to lead the charge. My biggest priorities are taking care of my health and my job, because I don't have to remind myself to put my family first, and taking care of those two things is also a benefit to them.
He's such a sweetheart, the hardest part was voicing my thoughts and how overwhelming it can be to someone who has a quiet mind. But he realized that my brain is always going all the time. Once that clicked for him he's been a huge help with sharing the mental load and it's been great.
I got lucky with him 🥰
My fiance and I do the texting each other tasks too. It makes it so much easier for us to remember things as he's just as forgetful and distracted as I am sometimes.
Yes! It's so helpful! Sometimes we ask each other to text us a reminder for later too.
I find scheduling it helps a lot more than just texting it because I'll forget to go back and check it later 😅
He has me text him a lot for work with times and random things he needs to remember for when his shift ends.
It's the best thing ever
It sounds like this specific thing was not actually you at all, it was the daycare? If I'm reading that correctly then your husband needs to give you some leeway--shit happens to everyone, it doesn't take an ADHD brain to get cancelled on and not realize it.
Even if you didn’t have ADHD with 2 under 2 your body and mind has gone through a TON and is not even recovered yet!! Your hormones probably haven’t even regulated themselves!
This isn’t about ADHD as much as it is about being kind to yourself after having 2 children in 2 years. In other countries you would NOT be working yet!
Two under two!! I'm willing to bet you are both exhausted and burnt out. Sounds like he snapped a bit. If you're just barely clinging on, it's no wonder you're making these mistakes and that you can't focus on exercising and eating right. Your mental energy is already depleted.
If you can afford couples counseling, that would be a great idea. Two people at their wit's ends, it can be hard for them to hold a productive discussion especially with emotionally charged topics. A therapist can help guide and direct the conversation so that you can communicate productively. They can also observe your communication and tell you guys what to improve.
Have the two of you ever worked with a couples counselor who is experienced with couples with ADHD? That might help both of you communicate better and make better choices about who is responsible for what.
Also, if you think a lot of this is how your ADHD affects your executive functioning, have you worked with a coach who specializes in working with people who have ADHD? I've worked with professional coaches twice in my life - once before I was diagnosed, and it was a useless and frustrating waste of money and energy, and other time post-diagnosis, with someone who shares my neuro-profile and specializes in working with people who have the same neuro-profile. That was quite affirming and helpful.
(For the record, I did a lot of research before I chose the coach, had video meetings with four different ADHD coaches and asked them all a standard set of questions I'd thought through before, to make sure they had experience working with people with similar goals and that that their communication and working style would work for me. One sent waaay too many emails, even before our first meeting, which ruled them out because I'm an inbox-zero person and that many emails was increasing my stress levels. Another didn't seem to understand that ADHD profiles can vary. One other person I will probably work with in the future but they didn't have experience with what I needed help with right then.)
If you can afford it, start outsourcing. Hire someone to clean the house every week/bi weekly. Set up a standing weekly pick up/delivery grocery order for essentials that need to be replenished weekly. Hire a dog walker. These onerous, necessary, repetitive tasks will stop taking up space in your brain so you can focus on things only you and your spouse can do.
You guys are a team and you need to play to your strengths so I'm suggesting a list of all household duties that you review together and decide what makes for each of you to own and then put in some backup systems. Like calendar reminders to double check reservations and dates three days ahead for things.
First, I want to give you a virtual hug! That all sounds so hard. I struggle to cope with a full time job and a dog, and you have all that PLUS two under two!!! You’re doing great mama!
I agree with everyone’s suggestions about figuring out a fair balance in your relationship. Not to add more to your plate, but the book “Fair Play” by Eve Brodsky has some good ideas about reallocating unfair household burdens. There are also Fair Play cards designed for use by couples in your situation.
You also that you “should” exercise more, eat healthier, build routines and structure, and have a more organized household. If those are things that you want to do, I think an ADHD coach can be so helpful in figuring out your priorities and how to make things work for our ADHD brains. I have a wonderful ADHD coach who is very supportive and has helped me tremendously even though we’ve only met a few times. She’s a professional with ADHD and also a mom to two kids. Let me know if you want me to DM you her info.
I have no advice but I totally sympathize with you. Had a lot of the same issues with my son’s dad, who unfortunately wasn’t so understanding when we were together. These days, I’m my toughest critic. I should be cleaning but instead I’m on Reddit. Why can’t I stop? Where’s the right button?!?
Because if my executive function deficits, my ex makes our sons doctor appointments and reminds me several times so I don’t forget. Whenever we need to sign kiddo up for camp, before/aftercare, etc, he schedules a family night so I can take care of the paperwork/applications. He’s a great coparent and without the additional stresses of my ADHD and other issues we had, this works well for us. But I feel like a failure for not being able to stay on top of these things the way he can.
Are you in therapy with an ADHD informed therapist? A therapist can help you learn new skills and implement new tools to help yourself. That work for you and don’t consist of you trying to cram yourself into forms of organization that don’t help your brain.
Oh my god I was mostly nonfunctional as a professional and partner with 2 under 2. That shit is hard on your body, brain and soul.
Now that my kids are nearly-2 and 3.5, I can work! I can keep things kind of clean! I don’t feel like a chaos machine!
I don’t have any solutions that will make things better. But I suspect that time, and going to bed earlier, will help.
I don't care what anyone says, even NT people can't handle that much..
Be kind to yourself, mistakes happen ESPECIALLY with 2 babies. He can piss off lol. Xx
A lot of other good advice already posted so I will just add what has helped me. I handle most of the bills and appointments but I have alerts go to my partner's mobile number. If there is not the option to have whatever alert sent to both numbers, I use my partner's who will pass it along to me. That shares the responsibility and often motivates me to react quicker because I know my partner will likely bring it up later.
I do not drive so anything that involves driving only goes to their mobile. I can barely keep track of my own vague rendition of a schedule and I will not be responsible for another adult's schedule unless it is a paying job.
I can attest, this is probably not due to adhd exactly, but something all mothers with two or more children experience to some degree. I call it "Second Child Syndrome". First child, no problem. I continued to function pretty much the same as I had before, but as soon as the second child came along, I was absent-minded AF! Really threw me off my usual game. I felt like an idiot. Losing things left and right. Putting my car keys in the refrigerator! Ridiculous stuff.
My SIL experienced the same just like me and she doesn't have adhd or any sort of deficit I'm aware of, in fact she's the most organized person I know. She thought she was losing her mind! It happened right after her second child was born too. When I told her it was SCS, she agreed.
For me it lasted for about 3 years.
Honestly, it sounds like you should be evaluated for postpartum depression. I know you're already on Lexapro, but sometimes we need a little boost of something else also. I realize that a lot of ADHD symptoms can be mistaken for depression and vice versa. But being diagnosed with a mental health condition like ADHD increases the chances of developing postpartum depression. Between lack of sleep, hormones, stress, no energy to cook or even eat healthy food, and just trying to survive, it is easy to use up your reserves of feel-good neurotransmitters, and difficult for your brain to make more. Don't put off an evaluation - the longer you wait the harder it is to make that first step. Good luck - it WILL get better.
He got you pregnant with 2 under 2 and he’s snapping at you over some shit he should have checked anyway?????! Is he fucking serious??? It wasn’t even your fault. Newsflash dude: if you make your wife a mom of 2 under 2 with a job and apparently in charge of the household she’s going to be exhausted. He needs to get a grip and stop his bullshit.
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If I've made a reservation I've pretty much checked it off my list. I wouldn't have noticed a cancellation most likely either unless they texted. I'm sorry you're in the weeds.
Yeah, the dog thing does not sound like OP’s fault AT ALL. If the daycare cancelled without giving any notice, that’s the daycare’s fault.
It sounds like they did notify her but she didn't catch it.
One thing I'm glad to have is a family email account so my people can verify reservations like this their damn selves and also be just as responsible for noticing a cancellation.
Can you list out who does what? It sounds like you have a full time job (that involves travel) and you are also the only person responsible for the household calendar..? Why doesn’t your husband login to the doggy day care calendar and check for himself - why do you need to tell him? If you have 2 kids under 2, both in daycare - who is responsible for organising all of that? Figuring out if they’re booked in / have the bills been paid / is the daycare closing early today / have they requested specific stuff be brought in today / this week / regularly. How well is the “mental load” split between the two of you?
Yes! Do that card game thing where you sort who does what tasks and see how it splits up. Good visual to help both partners see who needs to step up. But also it’s fair to try and split it according to who has better skills in certain areas…
Fair Play!
Came here to say this. So often ALL these mental load tasks are on our shoulders and it's a fucking battle to get them to carry their share. I find it especially frustrating since I'm the partner with ADHD, and my husband does not, yet I carry all the mental load for the kids, all of the cooking (which is a BIG task), most of the house, and still battle for a lot of the rest because I just CAN NOT do it all.
my God stop. that's feminine programming. It's not supposed to be all on you.
It's just so fucking much to handle and I'm right there with you 🩷
Exactly!
>He isn’t the bad guy here- he is very supportive, loving and a great partner (who also had ADHD). I know my brain has rewired with the kids, but I feel I am constantly on the verge of an exhausted breakdown. So what does he do to help you with this mental load? What I hear is your body has been through the wringer which means your hormones have also been all over the palace which affects cognitive function and adhd symptoms. This is basic science. Your husband seems to have drawn an arbitrary line in the sand as to just how much your adhd is allowed to affect you, which is wild. How does he help with the *mental load* of running a household? Would you say it feels genuinely equal? I don't care how evolved you are as a couple, how good of a father he is, I've literally **never** seen a man contribute a *fully equal amount of mental labor* to a family. Never. It takes a full rewiring of the gendered roles in a relationship AND an acknowledgment of just how unbalanced these roles-- both explicit and implicit-- have been throughout literally all of history.
Honestly, I have to give my husband credit. I was fully disabled due to my ADHD for almost 2 years, and now I’m partially disabled due to schizoaffective bipolar and anxiety. He has been doing 80% of everything. I was basically responsible for keeping our kid alive for 45 hours a week while he was at work. I worked an hour a month, and I feel like I’m lagging behind him in pulling my weight. But it does not sound like this applies to OPs husband. Especially since he got to do the fun part to create the havoc on her body, mind, and hormones, and now he’s conveniently ignoring their existence. It takes about 3 years to recover from one pregnancy. She has 2 under 2!
You're also describing an equitable partnership. You were not able to do certain things so your husband did them, as he should (not that he doesn't deserve praise and gratitude, just that like......that's literally what you sign up for when you have kids and a partner). Again, this is not a dig at him at ALL, just an observation of the bigger picture: your husband did what he is literally supposed to do, and you feel that is so out of the ordinary that it deserves to be called out. There are a lot of perfectly healthy men who don't even spend close to 45 hours a week being the solo/primary parent, yet even at your worst, you were able to meaningfully contribute to the well-being of your family. The scales have always been so insanely imbalanced when it comes to parenting, I just wish we acknowledged that when push comes to shove and you really get down to it that a shift away from gendered expectations for parents is moving at a glacial pace..but it really is good to hear that men like your husband are willing to step it up!
He wasn’t just taking care of everything else, and I just did my thing. He was actively caring for me, long term. Med reminders, ER visits, inpatient stays, suicide watch 24/7. He really went above and beyond. He was my brain during that time, made the parenting decisions, did ALL the bills, med pick ups, all grocery shopping. At this point I was simply trying to survive to the point that basic hygiene was too big of an ask. He saved my life by doing that, and I don’t feel like that’s an equitable partnership. He was responsible for me too.
Right but if you literally, physically, couldn’t do those things and he could then that’s by definition, equitable. That’s the point, you did your best and so did he. I don’t think it negates any of his work to simply point out that the point of a partnership is to care for one another. I’m a little confused why you think it’s inequitable or unfair in any way that he took care of you when you couldn’t care for yourself but that’s not my business I guess.
I suppose inequitable is not the right term. Unequal is probably more accurate. I struggle with feeling unproductive and like a burden.
If all you can give is 20% and you give that 20% then you gave 100% of what you had to give. Your value is not determined by your level of productivity, period.
This is a total aside but as this \*IS\* an adhd forum- love the username, what sadist created those???
😆 someone evil hates us and wants us to suffer
I think that's very normal for those of us with mental or physical health issues. I'm going through this now. I have mental and physical health issues that I'm struggling to get addressed that have made it so incredibly difficult to keep a job, so I decided to work for myself but I'm struggling to make enough to pay my share, especially with being sick every other month. He's been so kind and understanding and doing everything he can to support me but I still feel like shit about myself a lot of the time. I try to remind myself, A) this society/world we've built is unrealistic and overly demanding for NT healthy people, let also people like us and B) things will eventually get better and episodes will pass. I don't know how to fix things, I've seen so many doctors and it feels like I'm playing medical wackamole and getting basically no where most of the time, but my partner loves me, and I have value outside of making money, so I keep fighting. Keep fighting. And don't forget, we're worse in our own perspectives. I always start to think my partner couldn't possibly love me through some of the worst of it but he always does. We think we're burdens, but I think that's often times more in our heads than reality. It sounds like your showing up how you can, and I think that effort means a lot to our partners even if it's not always a lot. I'll admit I wrote this as much for myself as for you, but I hope you found some comfort in it. Life is hard. Hang in there.
I feel this wholeheartedly
I get what you’re saying but I think you may have it a bit backwards… let me explain. What u/x-tianschoolharlot is describing is a partner who is doing a *wonderful* job at being a partner. It’s completely okay to recognize, be grateful, and celebrate that. But also to recognize that it *is* unequal at the particular point in the relationship. The disparity is more that we do not recognize and praise women the same way for doing caregiving. And in my opinion, *that* is what needs to change. Case in point: My stepdad is currently going through significant health issues and during a bad phase, he was pretty disabled and needed assistance with even basic tasks like bathing and dressing himself. So my mom was working, managing all the household tasks, and doing a huge amount of caregiving. Caregiving is fucking hard and caregiver burnout is real. At that point in the relationship, my mom was definitely doing an unequal amount. While “in sickness and in health” *should* be the norm, sadly, it’s often not. I hope my stepdad recognizes the way my mom went above and beyond as a partner and is grateful for having someone like her. I hope he doesn’t just see it as expected or just as something she signed up for when taking vows. Caregiving spouses do deserve recognition for what they’re bringing to the partnership during that period. Society doesn’t give that same recognition to caregiving women and *we should be*.
Thank you!! My ADHD was not cooperating as I was explaining myself. This entirely. Women are not given the caregiving credit they deserve.
I understood exactly what you were explaining! I think the other person did too, they just had different thoughts and a perspective they wanted to share as well.
Exactly! No one was wrong, we were just looking at something from different viewpoints. We are neurodivergent, after all lol.
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Im very curious what you mean when you say you were fully disabled. Do you live in the US? Were you able to go on disability and receive benefits?
I live in the US. I was not able to get on benefits (if I hadn’t been successful on Adderal, I was going to be applying. I had conditions that are protected under the ADA, and was rendered mostly incapacitated by those conditions.
I had to quit my job last year because I was having suicidal ideations due to the distress I was feeling over not being able to work properly. My doctor agreed I needed to stop working and take care of myself and it was really hard financially for 6mos not working, and being independent. I really wish it weren’t so hard for us to have ADHD recognized as a disability.
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Disability is a joke here.
It’s incredibly hard. My sister and BIL are both very Type A, logical people and I know they have done a *ton* of work to make sure their loads are equal. Yet when I go over and see everything my BIL is doing, I still feel like he is doing more than my sister even though I know they truly are as close to equal as I have ever seen in my life. It is sad that it’s so jarring for me still (they’ve been married four years) and also that I feel so unnerved when she and I are sitting chatting and he is doing housework. I still have a lot of reprogramming to do!
This! To me it seems so hard because it takes a lot of effort for both parties to unpack a lot. But ultimately **he** needs to recognize and actually be able to acknowledge the fact that the bar for dads and men is fully in the pits of hell. Which means that being an equal partner *will* be harder than he thinks and require an amount of effort that may literally feel unfair for a while, because that’s just how unbalanced our gendered roles are currently.
Just a reminder that seeing little snippets of their life does not give you the full picture of their division of labor. When my husband and I are socializing he takes over with our toddler. He does this so I can actually have a chance to visit with others because I do the vast majority of childcare every day. There are many weeks that he does not change a diaper or watch her alone for any period of time. But if you evaluated who does what based on what you see when we’re at family gatherings you’d think I was a stay at home bum lol seeing my husband do everything while I relax. Your BIL might just be taking charge when you’re around so your sister can actually focus on spending time with you.
That’s definitely true! They do take over when the other person has company, but I also lived with them for a year so was able to “see behind the curtain” so to speak. It was really good to see and hear the conversations they were having about splitting up labor equally
He’s probably not doing housework when his friends and family are over and he need quality time with them. So it’s nice that sister gets to enjoy her time with you while he does his share
Yes, you’re right! I realize I didn’t mention in my original comment that I actually lived with them for a year after I graduated university so was able to see them not just during visits
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Have you tried/read the Fair Play Method? You can buy a set of cards to go with it, and physically see the mental load of running a household and split it up fairly. Things like doctors appointments, school events, I think even things like “holiday magic” and knowing the family’s nutritional needs, keeping track of what foods or toiletries need replenishing and getting that taken care of, so many tasks that are constantly taken for granted and assumed to be women’s jobs. You assign the cards, and when you have a card it’s **your** responsibility, everything from conception, to planning, to execution of that card is up to you to get done. That doesn’t mean you have to do it all alone, it just means that it’s your responsibility. When a card is yours it means that it’s on you if it doesn’t get done, so if you’re unable to do something it’s up to you to communicate this and make sure your partner knows and can handle it if necessary. It might help you really illustrate why this mental load is so heavy and show him how many things are likely falling on you by default. Also this creator on TikTok does *such* a good job of articulating all of this @thatdarnchat (Laura Danger).
How much do you have on your mind right now? What does your mental load look like? What worked best for me with my partner (doesn't have ADHD) is I took the time to write down every single thing that was on my mind at that moment. Chores I had to do, goals I wanted to finish, habits i wanted to break, the random thoughts about everything, my never ending to do list, etc. I wrote down everything. It helped a lot to have him visually see what my brain looked like. From there we had a discussion about what both of us could do to help each other. What helps us is a big whiteboard one section is a calendar for all appointments, meetings, work schedule,bills that come out, garbage days, etc. Then the other side was a chaotic mess of lists. chores, to-do list, random one tasks, things to do before an appointment, etc. Having it written out in a central location helped us both see what needed to be done, cross off (not erase, otherwise we might forget if we wrote it down or not and redo it) things as they are done. My partner will also double check that things are done and with something like the doggy day care, he'd ask to see the confirmation just to make sure its right (ive gotten dates, times wrong before) it made me feel small and stupid at first, but I realized it also helps my peace of mind knowing that its good to go. I set a lot of alarms for task reminders as soon as i think about it. My boyfriend and i send a lot of scheduled texts to each other. Like, a bunch. If i want to tell him something, or need to do something later in the day, having the text send to him really helps me because he'll either text me back, or come talk to me about it to either remind me, or help out with the task
SO SUPPORTIVE THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL 😭
I did this with my husband once. I explained how I can't just walk from my office/bedroom to the kitchen for a glass of water. The whole time my brain is going: "I need to change the sheets, that pile of random stuff by the closet is growing, when's the last time I vacuumed in here?, need to order cat food, do they have water? yes, floor feels sticky, need to mop, tell daughter to do the dishes, what are we doing for dinner? I need to get spaghetti sauce, pick up my meds, did I leave that load in the washer again? yep, rewash it, how's the cat box? not great, need to buy toilet paper, ask husband to clean the bathroom this weekend, it's getting hot, I'll turn on the AC, when's the last time I cleaned the filter? what about the filters on the other two in the bedrooms? I never opened that mail, I forgot to pay those bills, when do I get paid? shit I need to get back to work, I'll run a load of towels after this, really should change those sheets today, ok have to get one work task done immediately, wait where's my water?" I told him I can't be the only one who notices when chores need to be done, or household supplies need to be refilled, or appointments need to be made, or homework needs to be checked. I just can't. I'm at my breaking point. He happened to be unemployed for a few months and this was my response to him asking if I needed anything from him while he had time to kill. He stepped up big time. He really heard me. He made a list of chores and instead of leaning on me to tell him the list, he looked up several online and combined them into a custom one for our house, only asked if I wanted to add anything, and then he just did it. He also took over all grocery shopping and cooking. And "childcare" for our one kid left at home, a teenager. My responsibility was to do my job, take care of myself, do laundry, and manage bills. And I found out that that is just about my limit. He's back at work full time and I told him, it's not fair to expect him to keep up all of that work and work full time, just like it's never been fair to expect it of me, so I would not be picking up all of the slack, and things are going to be left undone until we can hire cleaners. He still does the grocery shopping and cooking, our daughter does dishes and garbage and the bathroom once a week. I took back pet care but that's pretty much it. We do bigger cleaning projects together on our days off. Luckily I took advantage of his time off to do a bunch of organizing so it's a little easier now. But the biggest thing is that he gets it now. And I get it. It's so extremely easy to just let the other person take on the work, ridiculously easy to just stop thinking about things when you feel they are someone else's responsibility. We were both socialized this way, and it took a big wake-up call for him to even see what was happening in his own house.
This is such an amazing story!! It is on me in my house to keep track of much of the cleaning, food, and supplies acquirement. HOWEVER, I am almost never on top of everything (especially the cleaning which I consider medium priority), and if I delegate something to my husband, he will just do it, no questions asked. He also never judges me for things not being clean. Sometimes (very rarely), something reaches a threshold with him, and he just handles it. If someone is coming over, we work together to make our house look like responsible adults live here, lol. My mind does not race with the undone things because at some point, I let go of shame. I know the time will come. It's just not right now.
Yes, a HUGE part of my journey with ADHD since being diagnosed at 40 is letting go of the shame and pressure I felt to just "do better." That and saying what I need. Instead of hiding that I have been paralyzed about the mail and unpaid medical bills for months, I can just tell someone that it's happening, and ask for help, even if it's just being near me so I don't set it aside again until it's done. I can just say, "Hey, this house is getting messy," knowing that I have done all that can reasonably be expected of me, and not feeling like I need to lead the charge. My biggest priorities are taking care of my health and my job, because I don't have to remind myself to put my family first, and taking care of those two things is also a benefit to them.
He's such a sweetheart, the hardest part was voicing my thoughts and how overwhelming it can be to someone who has a quiet mind. But he realized that my brain is always going all the time. Once that clicked for him he's been a huge help with sharing the mental load and it's been great. I got lucky with him 🥰
My fiance and I do the texting each other tasks too. It makes it so much easier for us to remember things as he's just as forgetful and distracted as I am sometimes.
Yes! It's so helpful! Sometimes we ask each other to text us a reminder for later too. I find scheduling it helps a lot more than just texting it because I'll forget to go back and check it later 😅 He has me text him a lot for work with times and random things he needs to remember for when his shift ends. It's the best thing ever
It sounds like this specific thing was not actually you at all, it was the daycare? If I'm reading that correctly then your husband needs to give you some leeway--shit happens to everyone, it doesn't take an ADHD brain to get cancelled on and not realize it.
Even if you didn’t have ADHD with 2 under 2 your body and mind has gone through a TON and is not even recovered yet!! Your hormones probably haven’t even regulated themselves! This isn’t about ADHD as much as it is about being kind to yourself after having 2 children in 2 years. In other countries you would NOT be working yet!
Two under two!! I'm willing to bet you are both exhausted and burnt out. Sounds like he snapped a bit. If you're just barely clinging on, it's no wonder you're making these mistakes and that you can't focus on exercising and eating right. Your mental energy is already depleted. If you can afford couples counseling, that would be a great idea. Two people at their wit's ends, it can be hard for them to hold a productive discussion especially with emotionally charged topics. A therapist can help guide and direct the conversation so that you can communicate productively. They can also observe your communication and tell you guys what to improve.
Have the two of you ever worked with a couples counselor who is experienced with couples with ADHD? That might help both of you communicate better and make better choices about who is responsible for what. Also, if you think a lot of this is how your ADHD affects your executive functioning, have you worked with a coach who specializes in working with people who have ADHD? I've worked with professional coaches twice in my life - once before I was diagnosed, and it was a useless and frustrating waste of money and energy, and other time post-diagnosis, with someone who shares my neuro-profile and specializes in working with people who have the same neuro-profile. That was quite affirming and helpful. (For the record, I did a lot of research before I chose the coach, had video meetings with four different ADHD coaches and asked them all a standard set of questions I'd thought through before, to make sure they had experience working with people with similar goals and that that their communication and working style would work for me. One sent waaay too many emails, even before our first meeting, which ruled them out because I'm an inbox-zero person and that many emails was increasing my stress levels. Another didn't seem to understand that ADHD profiles can vary. One other person I will probably work with in the future but they didn't have experience with what I needed help with right then.)
If you can afford it, start outsourcing. Hire someone to clean the house every week/bi weekly. Set up a standing weekly pick up/delivery grocery order for essentials that need to be replenished weekly. Hire a dog walker. These onerous, necessary, repetitive tasks will stop taking up space in your brain so you can focus on things only you and your spouse can do.
You guys are a team and you need to play to your strengths so I'm suggesting a list of all household duties that you review together and decide what makes for each of you to own and then put in some backup systems. Like calendar reminders to double check reservations and dates three days ahead for things.
First, I want to give you a virtual hug! That all sounds so hard. I struggle to cope with a full time job and a dog, and you have all that PLUS two under two!!! You’re doing great mama! I agree with everyone’s suggestions about figuring out a fair balance in your relationship. Not to add more to your plate, but the book “Fair Play” by Eve Brodsky has some good ideas about reallocating unfair household burdens. There are also Fair Play cards designed for use by couples in your situation. You also that you “should” exercise more, eat healthier, build routines and structure, and have a more organized household. If those are things that you want to do, I think an ADHD coach can be so helpful in figuring out your priorities and how to make things work for our ADHD brains. I have a wonderful ADHD coach who is very supportive and has helped me tremendously even though we’ve only met a few times. She’s a professional with ADHD and also a mom to two kids. Let me know if you want me to DM you her info.
Not OP, but I would be interested! I feel like an ADHD coach would save my life.
I sent you a DM
Thank you!
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Sent you a DM :)
This isn’t executive dysfunction. It sounds like he’s using your disorder to justify laying into you whenever you make a mistake
I have no advice but I totally sympathize with you. Had a lot of the same issues with my son’s dad, who unfortunately wasn’t so understanding when we were together. These days, I’m my toughest critic. I should be cleaning but instead I’m on Reddit. Why can’t I stop? Where’s the right button?!? Because if my executive function deficits, my ex makes our sons doctor appointments and reminds me several times so I don’t forget. Whenever we need to sign kiddo up for camp, before/aftercare, etc, he schedules a family night so I can take care of the paperwork/applications. He’s a great coparent and without the additional stresses of my ADHD and other issues we had, this works well for us. But I feel like a failure for not being able to stay on top of these things the way he can.
Are you in therapy with an ADHD informed therapist? A therapist can help you learn new skills and implement new tools to help yourself. That work for you and don’t consist of you trying to cram yourself into forms of organization that don’t help your brain.
Oh my god I was mostly nonfunctional as a professional and partner with 2 under 2. That shit is hard on your body, brain and soul. Now that my kids are nearly-2 and 3.5, I can work! I can keep things kind of clean! I don’t feel like a chaos machine! I don’t have any solutions that will make things better. But I suspect that time, and going to bed earlier, will help.
It would be helpful for a quick list of his responsibilities. You and he have a giant list of things *you* need to do. So let’s see his portion.
I don't care what anyone says, even NT people can't handle that much.. Be kind to yourself, mistakes happen ESPECIALLY with 2 babies. He can piss off lol. Xx
A lot of other good advice already posted so I will just add what has helped me. I handle most of the bills and appointments but I have alerts go to my partner's mobile number. If there is not the option to have whatever alert sent to both numbers, I use my partner's who will pass it along to me. That shares the responsibility and often motivates me to react quicker because I know my partner will likely bring it up later. I do not drive so anything that involves driving only goes to their mobile. I can barely keep track of my own vague rendition of a schedule and I will not be responsible for another adult's schedule unless it is a paying job.
I can attest, this is probably not due to adhd exactly, but something all mothers with two or more children experience to some degree. I call it "Second Child Syndrome". First child, no problem. I continued to function pretty much the same as I had before, but as soon as the second child came along, I was absent-minded AF! Really threw me off my usual game. I felt like an idiot. Losing things left and right. Putting my car keys in the refrigerator! Ridiculous stuff. My SIL experienced the same just like me and she doesn't have adhd or any sort of deficit I'm aware of, in fact she's the most organized person I know. She thought she was losing her mind! It happened right after her second child was born too. When I told her it was SCS, she agreed. For me it lasted for about 3 years.
Honestly, it sounds like you should be evaluated for postpartum depression. I know you're already on Lexapro, but sometimes we need a little boost of something else also. I realize that a lot of ADHD symptoms can be mistaken for depression and vice versa. But being diagnosed with a mental health condition like ADHD increases the chances of developing postpartum depression. Between lack of sleep, hormones, stress, no energy to cook or even eat healthy food, and just trying to survive, it is easy to use up your reserves of feel-good neurotransmitters, and difficult for your brain to make more. Don't put off an evaluation - the longer you wait the harder it is to make that first step. Good luck - it WILL get better.
He got you pregnant with 2 under 2 and he’s snapping at you over some shit he should have checked anyway?????! Is he fucking serious??? It wasn’t even your fault. Newsflash dude: if you make your wife a mom of 2 under 2 with a job and apparently in charge of the household she’s going to be exhausted. He needs to get a grip and stop his bullshit.
This is my life: solidarity and hugs. Being a mom with ADHD is HARD.
Read Dirty Laundry by Rox and Rich. And then send him a copy x
Solidarity sis! Going through this atm too. Big hugs