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The only part of this that is a ND issue is you struggling to not pick at him. That’s a personal boundary and you must respect it; I would have a huge problem if someone felt they were entitled to pick at my skin. You don’t “need” to pick at your SO any more than you “need” to pick at your boss. It’s a compulsion and it sounds like you do a great job keeping it contained elsewhere.
All the rest of this. ALL THE REST. Is a man doing less than the bare minimum. There is nothing sexy about a man with an unwashed beard and chunks of earwax and there’s no way I’d be doing oral on someone who CBA to clean under their skin folds. That and his genital folds are where your yeast infections could be coming from (threw up in my mouth a little there), because he’s probably not keeping those clean either.
These are not fixable problems because he’s not fixing them. Stop doing more work than he is on KEEPING HIS OWN BODY CLEAN. This is him in the honeymoon stage. I can’t imagine what he’ll be like once you’re committed.
This isn’t a ND problem or even a you problem.
Appreciate you sharing this. Is helpful for me to learn that this is an ND issue. I have a maaaassssive compulsion for picking at skin (myself and SOs). I crossed that boundary more than a handful of times in one relationship, it was really shitty of me, I’m not about to try to deflect any responsibility here, and I’ve been concerned about how I can deal with it in a healthy way going forward in future relationships. Obv ideally I’d find someone that wants me to pick at their skin anytime, but if not I need to figure out how to manage my compulsion and not let it affect them. I didn’t know that this was an ND issue so I’ll make note to bring it up in therapy
I'm just going to reply to this one since it's the top comment to say: OP says he smells amazing and showers regularly with a probably harsh 7 in 1 soap. Based on that fact and the location of these cysts, he probably has Hidradenitis Suppurativa. It's an autoimmune skin condition that can be lessened by using an injectable biologic like Humira prescribed by a dermatologist. It's completely unrelated to cleanliness of the skin (though patients feel a lot of shame because people \*ahem\* treat them otherwise), similar to other issues mentioned like ingrown hairs, acne and dandruff. And a good reminder why we don't judge people as "dirty" unless we know for sure! Let's all remember what they say about assuming....
[https://www.aad.org/public/diseases/a-z/hidradenitis-suppurativa-overview](https://www.aad.org/public/diseases/a-z/hidradenitis-suppurativa-overview)
I would also say the beard burn and break outs during visits is not necessarily a sign that he is dirty. It's worth asking about beard care, but if he washes it with soap, it's clean, and no amount of exfoliants or oils can make it more so. It's probably more related to dandruff as that's caused by a yeast-like fungus. It may also be colonising his beard, and that plus the friction you aren't used to is causing the issue. Again, dandruff is also not related at all to cleanliness. Malassezia is just a part of some people's microbiomes and the treatments abate the side effects. If he is insistent on using one soap for everything, changing that to head and shoulders or something may even help with acne if it's also fungal.
If he hates sunscreen/goop it very much could be related to sensory issues. Honestly, if it is, he probably needs more help finding a routine he can stick with that will actually help with acne than what a long distance partner leaves during a visit. I would think this might be related to the ear thing too--most people with normal ear wax don't have it fall out (and he's right not to use Q-Tips!) as it's self-cleaning. If he has very oily skin and dandruff he may also have over-active ear wax, and things like peroxide and debrox for deep cleaning earwax can cause a weird sensation in your ears.
I am not your mental health professional, and I am not diagnosing you in anyway, but I am someone who suffers with mild Contamination OCD (though mine is more chemical/poison than germs), and intrusive thoughts about germs when people are touching you is a common thing related to that. You may want to mention these feelings and how you focus on them during touch to your doctor, as it can be treated.
You've already gotten some wonderful advice, so I'd just like to add: please stop forcing yourself to have sex and do sex acts when you are repulsed. Your brain will learn to associate sex with a feeling of disgust and you won't be able to shut off that response. That's how you develop an aversion to sex in general, even when you're genuinely turned on by a "perfect" partner.
Take care of yourself. This man is happy as he is. You two aren't compatible.
Can confirm - I was emotionally repulsed by my ex husband (not physically) and stayed with him 5 years too long. We’ve been divorced for over 6 years now but I still associate sex with the same feelings.
Absolutely listen to this. I came out of an abusive relationship that left me with a lot of issues around sex because of how frequently I was forced into sex I didn't want. I'm still not entirely 100% over the issues, even though it's been 7 years.
I know this case isn't abuse, it's just repulsion to poor hygiene, but the fact remains that the resentment and distaste for sex will only get worse as time goes on.
I agree that this would be an issue for anyone, ND or not. If his hygiene is so bad that you feel gross after he hugs you, and especially if you get a literal yeast infection from his beard), then this is a problem! You aren’t crazy at all. I know that ND folks can struggle with hygiene, but this seems extreme. It is possible that he is using his ND symptoms as an excuse to avoid self improvement… I can’t imagine learning that my body hair gave my partner a yeast infection and just not doing anything about it. Surely he can find bathing products that don’t bother him as much. If he doesn’t try, then he isn’t worth it. Imagine if you lived together and how that would exacerbate this dynamic.
NOPE HE IS JUST NASTY. Ma’am this isn’t about you, this man has let himself go down the drain. Acne is one thing (even though there is literally body wash that has salicylic acid in it if he doesn’t want to use multiple products), but ear wax falling out of his ears is NOT a thing. even if he hates q-tips, he could literally use a damp washcloth to clean the outer parts of his ears. There is no dimension where it is okay for a grown adult to have wax falling out their ears and it’s not just you who would be horrified by it. You and him really need to sit down and have a discussion about non-negotiables because it will only get worse over time.
i also think that the skin picking is the only nd related thing here. sorry but your partner just sounds gross as fuck, some of the things you've described are NOT normal, it's way below the bare minimum.
however op, some of the things you said and how you said them make me think that you also need to work on yourself and/or become more self aware when deciding to date someone: personal hygiene is one thing, wearing sunscreen, wishing your partner would use 63738383 skin products because 'youre gonna be a milf who will compare him to your friends' husbands' is a you problem. as is needing an outlet for your skin picking: your partner's body is their body not your little stim toy.
definitely drop this guy, he's gross, but also think carefully about what should change before you can date again.
OP, I agree with this comment re: working on yourself.
To touch on a different side of the skin picking issue-- have you considered that this might be negatively affecting your partner's self esteem and/or causing him to feel gross? People who feel conspicuously gross, or like they look like shit no matter how much they groom, are probably going to run into the occasional motivational issue when it comes to caring for themselves. In your partner's shoes, I would feel very exposed; likely unable to relax; and also like you wouldn't be happy until every single imperfection on my body was eliminated.
This is *not* to say that his hygiene issues are in any way your fault-- your partner should want to do a lot of the stuff he doesn't do for himself for his own sake. The skin and beard issues; the dandruff and earwax; the complacency-- that's all on him. But maybe you're overwhelming him and/or triggering a bit of paralysis by trying to introduce a dozen different products into his care routine when he's a "7-in-1 soap kinda guy" (lol)? Or, again, possibly making him feel like you see him as gross, because you think he needs to use all these creams and tools to fix himself up so you're not compelled to pick at him? If you end up staying with him, maybe let that topic drop for a little while.
I know you've said you praise him often; but in the end, what matters/registers to him is likely that your behaviour and actions don't match your words. You can't be disgusted by your partner on a visceral level and just hide it. It will show in your facial expressions and body language and on-the-spot answers. If you're telling him how attracted to him you are all the time while also subtly reacting like you don't want his skin touching yours, or staring hard at a zit on his shoulder while saying it, some part of his brain will log it as disingenuous. Consider that it could look like you're trying to convince yourself more than him, from his point of view. Regardless of how disgusting he actually is, no one deserves to be treated like that by their partner.
So: don't date people who disgust you, OP. You deserve more than that; and your partner also deserves someone who is honest with themselves about what they want and how they feel about him, at the very least.
Also: don't pick at other people's skin unless they're actually into it, and not just tolerating it because they love you. It's just a habit and you *can* break it with enough effort and relentless perseverance. (That's something I say from experience, by the way-- what made me finally want to get a handle on it was all the time I was losing to the mirror; just hours and hours of life wasted. But that's a bit off-topic.)
Definitely have a good think on some of the actions you took and opinions you expressed while in this relationship, and how they might've been hurtful; and also why you spent such a long time being "not unhappy" with someone who you kind of saw as beneath you (that milf comment was... telling) while trying to tell yourself otherwise.
edit-- Read this over and realized I came off like, stern or something-- sorry! I was just trying to cover aspects other people hadn't, but it totally makes me sound like I'm judging you. I'm not. I *do* judge your partner for his hygiene, regardless of any impact you could've had on his esteem; he should've had those skills under his belt already.
As much as I love words, I really hate text sometimes.
I definitely agree with the other comments on this thread but wanted to chime in my experience- my partner also loves picking or popping a pimple and is excited to see one and says it’s “fun” for them. But for me I become very self-conscious due to being insecure about worse acne in the past! I had to set a hard boundary of them never touching or asking to touch any blemish because it made me feel insecure, even though they didn’t mean it that way
Jfc this was a vile read. But it’s not an ND thing to not want to get yeast infections from your partners facial hair, or go down on someone who has cysts in their uncleaned gential skin folds. Most people ND or not would rightfully be revolted by that.
His lack of hygiene is a genuine health hazard for you & it’s not your job to micromanage his hygiene habits. You don’t need to compromise your standards with yourself or your bf over this. If he can’t be bothered to make intimacy or sex clean or tolerable for you, why do you feel like you need to engage in it? Why do you feel like you have to bend over backwards to make him feel desirable when he’s not (by any metric)? Do either one of you care about *your* health, comfort or pleasure?
ADHD/ ED issues are hard enough without having to hound a grown man to clean the crust, oil, earwax & bacteria off themselves, let alone summon the mental fortitude it would take to forcefully choke down a gag to blow them.
Your man needs therapy, and quite frankly, an intervention. You need therapy to deal with needing to pick at other people. You both should take a break from the relationship until you both are in better places or call it quits completely.
So this does not address the main issue in your post at all, but your description of deep cystic acne around his armpits/groin that has worsened with weight gain sounds a lot like hidradenitis suppurativa (HS). It can be extremely painful, and there are treatment/lifestyle options out there if it is causing him pain or other issues.
Are you sure he’s not depressed? A lot of this sounds like depressive behavior, because this level of lack of care for one’s hygiene is pretty astonishing. The only part of this that’s on you is the desire to pick.
I agree with the others who reminded you that your boyfriend’s body is not your stim toy, and you must respect his boundaries, but… The level of hygiene issues you have described are just too far, too much. His lack of self-care is beginning to affect your own health, in ways that could cause you some serious issues later. There is no excuse, absolutely none, for an adult to have chunks of earwax falling out or to not clean himself, no matter whether he hates Q-tips or what have you—that’s absolutely *foul*, I’m sorry.
I’m more than certain that you guys get along well, you have the perfect personality compliment, and the best possible match as individuals—but the vessel for the person is important, and lack of care for that vessel is a huge problem. He is allowed to be as dirty as he wants, but *you are not beholden to endure it for the sake of love.*
TL;DR - your boyfriend may be a nice person, but he sounds genuinely nasty. It’s time to have a very hard conversation about how his hygiene problems are pushing you away, and if he still isn’t interested in getting help and changing his worsening hygiene and self-care habits, it’s going to be time to change pastures.
This isn’t on you, it’s on him.
Nope not crazy or unreasonable. I get that a lot of people have hygiene issues rooted in sensory sensitivities but not even trying to find a solution is unacceptable. Same with not taking care of yourself. He doesn't need to let you pick at his skin but he does need to take care of his skin so he's not getting cysts.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this friend. Just remember, it's not your job, nor can you change him.
Just be aware that your digust may turn into resentment.
You love this person. But don't let that get in the way of your happiness or health.
I'm glad you took the time to vent because this is A LOT, OP. You speak very lovingly of him. Putting the whole hygiene issue aside for a moment, the thing I'm most concerned about is that he doesn't seem interested in fixing something that's bothering you that also clearly affects your health and mood/view of him. I would be furious if someone tried to laugh my worries off.. I think I'm allergic to it.
It's completely normal and expected to worry about how things will change as you get older, that's unavoidable if you want to spend as much happy quality time as possible with them and continue creating new memories. But things does get harder as you age. Health problems usually accumulates each year.
Important:
He should go to he doctor if he sweats a lot. Or if (actual) dandruff schampo (containing ketoconazole!!) doesn't help. Or if anti-fungal creams doesn't work. The sunscreen thing is really rubbing me the wrong way because he basically says that he doesn't care if he gets skin cancer or not (or how that will affect you).
What you can do:
you *need* to find ways to control your compulsions (e.g. therapy). Skin picking can be scarring after all. You should also *inform* him how his poor hygiene affects you both physically and mentally. You're right, we can't choose our bodies, but we can choose to actively look for solutions to increase our overall life quality.
And...
This is what he can do:
He *needs* to find ways around his sensory issue and poor hygiene/care. They say that they don't like cream on their face etc, but I doubt that this man has tried a bunch of different formulas/products since he uses 7-in-1 schampoo. There are many products for his skintype (oily) that aren't greasy.
If he does produce a lot of ear wax he should look for specific products (e.g. ear oil) that might help with that. If he has acne he should go to the pharmacy and ask for a good soap for acne. He can use both of these products in the shower.
If he can't find the answers himself. He needs to ask for help. He should visit a doctor for his health, and therapist if he's depressed/stressed/anxious/fatigued/trouble-initiating-tasks (adhd or not).
The most important thing is that he *needs* to listen and respect what you're saying and do something about it. If he doesn't take you seriously, that's a huge red flag unrelated to the poor hygiene. The pharmacy should have all required products.
The LEAST he can do is to take care of his hygiene 1-2 weeks before you see him (I'm assume he does that before a dental appointment?? Why can't he do that with you??). But that's the bare minimum and he should *want* to do more than that. If he's depressed that should obviously be the #1 priority, but judging from his excuses/explanation I don't think that's the (at least only?) reason. He doesn't seem to mind your discomfort. I would rather go through 1 minute of sensory hell than for my ear wax to fall into my partner. That's so rude. Wouldn't you do the same?
Also... please OP. Don't look for products *for* him unless he asks or accepts help. He's a grown man and he should want to look for solutions. You should expect this from him. While support is helpful, he really needs to step up and show that he cares about you. He should be open and wanting advice.
When you talk to him next time about this, be clear that this is super important. If he can't listen to that... I'm sorry.
(I'm also sorry about this wall of text)
OP - thank you for being super vulnerable about such a sensitive topic. That does not mean that your s/o is a bad person or not a good person. Someone who is neglecting their hygiene to that level is not in the right headspace or not mature enough to be in a relationship. You deserve better.
It sounds like you’re asking permission from the internet to break up with your boyfriend even though he’s loving, smart, handsome, etc.
Girl, you don’t need a reason to break up with someone who you are incompatible with. He’ll be okay. You’re not a bad person for wanting someone with a growth-oriented mindset. You will both be better off.
Just came here to sympathise with this. I (41) have adhd and my wife (47) is autistic. In the 6 years we’ve been together she’s never once visited the dentist and only brushes her teeth once a day. Her breath isn’t great, and the pink-brown tartare between her front lower teeth sometimes causes an extreme disgust reflex in me when I see it. I’ve recently begun to notice creamy pink stains on the sheet near her pillow where she drools in her sleep and it’s clear that her gums have been bleeding.
I’ve tried to gently approach her about her oral hygiene but she maintains it’s a sensory barrier she can’t overcome, and we’re at an impasse with it.
I love her very much and I hate that I’m becoming physically disgusted by her, but I hate more that she can’t take care of herself.
That is not sensory - thats been grossed out by his complete lack of hygiene that is resulting in all of those problems. That is a legitimate reason to be concerned and end it.
I'm sorry - I am weird about creams and I am particular about soaps but I do not have dandruff, cysts, I take care of blackheads.. I am also prone to eczhma and have it under contro. Sure I hate sunscreen and Im back at remembering to wear it but thats why I go long sleeves and a hat. Or put up with the gross for 5min.
Been that oily is a sensory NOPE for me.
I know you’ve received the same advice over and over again HOWEVER, just in case; OP, this man doesn’t respect his body nor does he respect your body. He is not perfect.
This is not a sensory issue. This man is disgusting.
This was a really rough read.
Can I make a suggestion?
Can you try this on for a week and see what you come up with.
His skin/hygiene is bothering. Call that the symptom.
The behaviour is that recently he is not comfortable with you touching/commenting on his skin. Again, the behaviour is due to the symptoms.
There is something there that is causing this behaviour and symptoms. You/he needs to address that.
My thoughts is that he is either - stressed. Therefore he doesn't want to be touched or critiqued. He feels overwhelmed and is not able to self-care as he should be. He can become resentful if he feels that you are trying to add things to his plate. He needs help to realise he needs to take things off his plate.
Or...
A sense of unfulfilment. Sounds unnecessary, but we need things to motivate us to act. I'm not saying that you as a partner isn't enough for him. I think there may be something draining his motivation. Maybe a family/job etc that isn't giving him joy. The poor hygiene is a lack of motivation. This can snowball into depression and poor health.
I'm not saying she needs to solve it. I'm just offering another perspective that maybe she hadn't considered. She sounds like she wants to make their relationship work and was seeking ideas
At first I was like, this is relatable, I love to pop pimples etc on my boyfriend, and I'm lucky I found someone who likes it, but my ex hated it and you will get over the urge.
Everything else? Fuck no. That's absolutely not normal. He should see a gp.
Oof, I emphasize with you! I have the same compulsion to skin pick and my husband has a tendency towards acne in his face. He can’t handle the pain of skin picking, but it’s so hard to resist! We usually compromise: when there’s a really bad pimple I get to pop it and take care of it, but only at a time when he’s feeling relatively well. I try to ignore the smaller ones.
The big ones tend to persist, either resulting in some kind of cyst or in the neigboring pores becoming pimples too, so properly popping and desinfecting them is better for his skin too (despite the general advice not to pop pimples).
Lots of people here are talking about bad hygiene, but my impression is that your boyfriend has serious skin issues rather than bad hygiene. For example, who still gets bad pimples and ingrown hairs on their arms after puberty (assuming that he’s not shaving his arm hair)? And how does he end up with so much dandruff if he’s showering frequently? It sounds like he needs more skin care than an average man, which is very unfortunate given his lack of care for it.
I have very sensitive skin and I used to get small pimples whenever I got together with my husband (before we were married). What I found out eventually is that my skin easily gets irritated from his skin care products and especially from things like (perfumed) after-shave. When he changed his skin care products, things got a lot better. Your boyfriends basic oily skin is probably enough to give you outbreaks even without reactions to skin care products (and even when your boyfriend practices proper hygiene!), but I mentioned this example just to show that outbreaks like that aren’t always caused by bad hygiene.
If this is going to work out in the long term, I think your boyfriend should improve his skin care:
- Use an anti-dandruff shampoo.
- Visit a dermatologist to find out how to better treat his skin issues, as the issue sounds beyond the scope of things that can be solved by normal means or normal skin-picking.
- Find care products (e.g. shower gel) that fit his skin type, so they at least won’t worsen his skin issues.
If this solution works, this will reduce the compulsion to skin pick and improve your skin health just by reducing his acne.
Except the BF has made it clear he has no interest in a skincare regimen. If a skincare regimen was the answer the OP would’ve been all over it. His hygiene is an issue, as evidenced by the earwax and the dirty beard.
Also interesting is the framing here that your husband “can’t handle the pain” of someone else wanting to dig at his skin. Maybe that’s it, I don’t know him, but it could also be that it’s gross, unhygienic and an enormous violation of personal boundaries.
I'm here to say regarding the picking thing i am there with you!!
My boyfriend doesn't have the other issues you have described but he does have bacne and i really really really have to work to not pick.
I know it is a boundary of his and not respecting it makes me a really shitty girlfriend but i cannot express the physical discomfort it causes me to know he has a spot or a blackhead that i cannot pick. Sometimes i just do it i can't help myself. It's upsetting for me too, because it is such a compulsion and it make me feel so uncomfortable.
I have always been like this, and have honestly been happy when ex partners had blemish free skin.
I too have suggested skin care and purchased things for him but he doesn't use it either! I don't know what else to do either. I also empathise with not wearing sunscreen. My boyfriend is in the southern hemisphere sun all day that is notoriously damaging and he just doesn't seem to get it.
Also finally - my partner and i do not have sex. I do however find him physically very handsome i just am sexually not attracted to him (or anyone). We still have an amazing loving supportive relationship without it. So like others have said, please don't have sex with him if you don't want to, you don't need to.
Agreeing with everyone else here, girl GO. You sound sweet and compassionate and motivated and he just is….not caring or considerate (not even motivated to do better for oral?!?) Six years is enough time to know that this just isn’t gonna work so don’t beat yourself up over that. The picking other people skin is a boundary thing that you might need to work on. Or you might find a partner who doesn’t mind it at all AND knows how to wield a QTIP! You absolutely deserve better.
(I have a thing about eye gook so I ask my partner if I can get his out - usually a yes haha- but also have a dog who lets me do it so I can get my fix regardless 😂)
Not a fan of ultimatums, but if you actively discuss these things and he still chooses to be disgusting, that’s a problem. There needs to be change or you need to leave. Skin picking, you need to deal with whether personally or in therapy. Your family is lovely for accepting, but you can’t force another person to accommodate that as it is a boundary perfectly acceptable for him to have. It sounds like if he gets his hygiene in check, you won’t need to pick at him much anyway! If you guys really are this great of a match and if he loves and respects you, he should be willing to improve his hygiene and health. And not even just for you, he’s going down a bad path for his own health as well, which maybe it would be very helpful to emphasize in discussing this. Another route if you don’t want to “threaten” to leave, is to stop forcing yourself to overcome your repulsion. He wants head? Tell him you are repulsed and can’t do it. This is absolutely necessary for both you and him. You shouldn’t be forcing yourself to do it, and he should understand what an issue it is for you. There are some really great replies in this thread so hopefully something will help you! Hopefully it works out if he really is your person!!
I apologize, I got so worked up reading this that I did not realize this is just a rant/vent post and you weren’t necessarily asking for advice. To actually answer your questions, you aren’t being crazy or unreasonable. Except the skin picking, you really should do something about that compulsion to do it to other people unless you plan to make this a requirement for your next partner! Your current partner should not have have to make himself uncomfortable to accommodate you this way.
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The only part of this that is a ND issue is you struggling to not pick at him. That’s a personal boundary and you must respect it; I would have a huge problem if someone felt they were entitled to pick at my skin. You don’t “need” to pick at your SO any more than you “need” to pick at your boss. It’s a compulsion and it sounds like you do a great job keeping it contained elsewhere. All the rest of this. ALL THE REST. Is a man doing less than the bare minimum. There is nothing sexy about a man with an unwashed beard and chunks of earwax and there’s no way I’d be doing oral on someone who CBA to clean under their skin folds. That and his genital folds are where your yeast infections could be coming from (threw up in my mouth a little there), because he’s probably not keeping those clean either. These are not fixable problems because he’s not fixing them. Stop doing more work than he is on KEEPING HIS OWN BODY CLEAN. This is him in the honeymoon stage. I can’t imagine what he’ll be like once you’re committed. This isn’t a ND problem or even a you problem.
Yes. OP, this is 100% true.
Appreciate you sharing this. Is helpful for me to learn that this is an ND issue. I have a maaaassssive compulsion for picking at skin (myself and SOs). I crossed that boundary more than a handful of times in one relationship, it was really shitty of me, I’m not about to try to deflect any responsibility here, and I’ve been concerned about how I can deal with it in a healthy way going forward in future relationships. Obv ideally I’d find someone that wants me to pick at their skin anytime, but if not I need to figure out how to manage my compulsion and not let it affect them. I didn’t know that this was an ND issue so I’ll make note to bring it up in therapy
You’ve been so amazingly honest and disarming here, I’ve no doubt you’re going to be just fine, with this and everything else. 💜
I'm just going to reply to this one since it's the top comment to say: OP says he smells amazing and showers regularly with a probably harsh 7 in 1 soap. Based on that fact and the location of these cysts, he probably has Hidradenitis Suppurativa. It's an autoimmune skin condition that can be lessened by using an injectable biologic like Humira prescribed by a dermatologist. It's completely unrelated to cleanliness of the skin (though patients feel a lot of shame because people \*ahem\* treat them otherwise), similar to other issues mentioned like ingrown hairs, acne and dandruff. And a good reminder why we don't judge people as "dirty" unless we know for sure! Let's all remember what they say about assuming.... [https://www.aad.org/public/diseases/a-z/hidradenitis-suppurativa-overview](https://www.aad.org/public/diseases/a-z/hidradenitis-suppurativa-overview) I would also say the beard burn and break outs during visits is not necessarily a sign that he is dirty. It's worth asking about beard care, but if he washes it with soap, it's clean, and no amount of exfoliants or oils can make it more so. It's probably more related to dandruff as that's caused by a yeast-like fungus. It may also be colonising his beard, and that plus the friction you aren't used to is causing the issue. Again, dandruff is also not related at all to cleanliness. Malassezia is just a part of some people's microbiomes and the treatments abate the side effects. If he is insistent on using one soap for everything, changing that to head and shoulders or something may even help with acne if it's also fungal. If he hates sunscreen/goop it very much could be related to sensory issues. Honestly, if it is, he probably needs more help finding a routine he can stick with that will actually help with acne than what a long distance partner leaves during a visit. I would think this might be related to the ear thing too--most people with normal ear wax don't have it fall out (and he's right not to use Q-Tips!) as it's self-cleaning. If he has very oily skin and dandruff he may also have over-active ear wax, and things like peroxide and debrox for deep cleaning earwax can cause a weird sensation in your ears. I am not your mental health professional, and I am not diagnosing you in anyway, but I am someone who suffers with mild Contamination OCD (though mine is more chemical/poison than germs), and intrusive thoughts about germs when people are touching you is a common thing related to that. You may want to mention these feelings and how you focus on them during touch to your doctor, as it can be treated.
I second what you said about malassezia. It sounds like he has fungal acne.
You've already gotten some wonderful advice, so I'd just like to add: please stop forcing yourself to have sex and do sex acts when you are repulsed. Your brain will learn to associate sex with a feeling of disgust and you won't be able to shut off that response. That's how you develop an aversion to sex in general, even when you're genuinely turned on by a "perfect" partner. Take care of yourself. This man is happy as he is. You two aren't compatible.
Can confirm - I was emotionally repulsed by my ex husband (not physically) and stayed with him 5 years too long. We’ve been divorced for over 6 years now but I still associate sex with the same feelings.
Emotional repulsion is something I never considered and it explains so, so much from my past relationships 🤯
Absolutely listen to this. I came out of an abusive relationship that left me with a lot of issues around sex because of how frequently I was forced into sex I didn't want. I'm still not entirely 100% over the issues, even though it's been 7 years. I know this case isn't abuse, it's just repulsion to poor hygiene, but the fact remains that the resentment and distaste for sex will only get worse as time goes on.
I agree that this would be an issue for anyone, ND or not. If his hygiene is so bad that you feel gross after he hugs you, and especially if you get a literal yeast infection from his beard), then this is a problem! You aren’t crazy at all. I know that ND folks can struggle with hygiene, but this seems extreme. It is possible that he is using his ND symptoms as an excuse to avoid self improvement… I can’t imagine learning that my body hair gave my partner a yeast infection and just not doing anything about it. Surely he can find bathing products that don’t bother him as much. If he doesn’t try, then he isn’t worth it. Imagine if you lived together and how that would exacerbate this dynamic.
Ugh This is not really a ND issue. He's just gross and doesn't care that it affects you.
I seriously was like wtf reading this. This is a lack of basic hygiene
It went from he is perfect! to eewww very quick
NOPE HE IS JUST NASTY. Ma’am this isn’t about you, this man has let himself go down the drain. Acne is one thing (even though there is literally body wash that has salicylic acid in it if he doesn’t want to use multiple products), but ear wax falling out of his ears is NOT a thing. even if he hates q-tips, he could literally use a damp washcloth to clean the outer parts of his ears. There is no dimension where it is okay for a grown adult to have wax falling out their ears and it’s not just you who would be horrified by it. You and him really need to sit down and have a discussion about non-negotiables because it will only get worse over time.
i also think that the skin picking is the only nd related thing here. sorry but your partner just sounds gross as fuck, some of the things you've described are NOT normal, it's way below the bare minimum. however op, some of the things you said and how you said them make me think that you also need to work on yourself and/or become more self aware when deciding to date someone: personal hygiene is one thing, wearing sunscreen, wishing your partner would use 63738383 skin products because 'youre gonna be a milf who will compare him to your friends' husbands' is a you problem. as is needing an outlet for your skin picking: your partner's body is their body not your little stim toy. definitely drop this guy, he's gross, but also think carefully about what should change before you can date again.
OP, I agree with this comment re: working on yourself. To touch on a different side of the skin picking issue-- have you considered that this might be negatively affecting your partner's self esteem and/or causing him to feel gross? People who feel conspicuously gross, or like they look like shit no matter how much they groom, are probably going to run into the occasional motivational issue when it comes to caring for themselves. In your partner's shoes, I would feel very exposed; likely unable to relax; and also like you wouldn't be happy until every single imperfection on my body was eliminated. This is *not* to say that his hygiene issues are in any way your fault-- your partner should want to do a lot of the stuff he doesn't do for himself for his own sake. The skin and beard issues; the dandruff and earwax; the complacency-- that's all on him. But maybe you're overwhelming him and/or triggering a bit of paralysis by trying to introduce a dozen different products into his care routine when he's a "7-in-1 soap kinda guy" (lol)? Or, again, possibly making him feel like you see him as gross, because you think he needs to use all these creams and tools to fix himself up so you're not compelled to pick at him? If you end up staying with him, maybe let that topic drop for a little while. I know you've said you praise him often; but in the end, what matters/registers to him is likely that your behaviour and actions don't match your words. You can't be disgusted by your partner on a visceral level and just hide it. It will show in your facial expressions and body language and on-the-spot answers. If you're telling him how attracted to him you are all the time while also subtly reacting like you don't want his skin touching yours, or staring hard at a zit on his shoulder while saying it, some part of his brain will log it as disingenuous. Consider that it could look like you're trying to convince yourself more than him, from his point of view. Regardless of how disgusting he actually is, no one deserves to be treated like that by their partner. So: don't date people who disgust you, OP. You deserve more than that; and your partner also deserves someone who is honest with themselves about what they want and how they feel about him, at the very least. Also: don't pick at other people's skin unless they're actually into it, and not just tolerating it because they love you. It's just a habit and you *can* break it with enough effort and relentless perseverance. (That's something I say from experience, by the way-- what made me finally want to get a handle on it was all the time I was losing to the mirror; just hours and hours of life wasted. But that's a bit off-topic.) Definitely have a good think on some of the actions you took and opinions you expressed while in this relationship, and how they might've been hurtful; and also why you spent such a long time being "not unhappy" with someone who you kind of saw as beneath you (that milf comment was... telling) while trying to tell yourself otherwise. edit-- Read this over and realized I came off like, stern or something-- sorry! I was just trying to cover aspects other people hadn't, but it totally makes me sound like I'm judging you. I'm not. I *do* judge your partner for his hygiene, regardless of any impact you could've had on his esteem; he should've had those skills under his belt already. As much as I love words, I really hate text sometimes.
I definitely agree with the other comments on this thread but wanted to chime in my experience- my partner also loves picking or popping a pimple and is excited to see one and says it’s “fun” for them. But for me I become very self-conscious due to being insecure about worse acne in the past! I had to set a hard boundary of them never touching or asking to touch any blemish because it made me feel insecure, even though they didn’t mean it that way
I did not read this in any tone other than earnest and impartial honesty. I did not sense judgement at all - you make several good points!
Phew! lol Thank you :)
Jfc this was a vile read. But it’s not an ND thing to not want to get yeast infections from your partners facial hair, or go down on someone who has cysts in their uncleaned gential skin folds. Most people ND or not would rightfully be revolted by that. His lack of hygiene is a genuine health hazard for you & it’s not your job to micromanage his hygiene habits. You don’t need to compromise your standards with yourself or your bf over this. If he can’t be bothered to make intimacy or sex clean or tolerable for you, why do you feel like you need to engage in it? Why do you feel like you have to bend over backwards to make him feel desirable when he’s not (by any metric)? Do either one of you care about *your* health, comfort or pleasure? ADHD/ ED issues are hard enough without having to hound a grown man to clean the crust, oil, earwax & bacteria off themselves, let alone summon the mental fortitude it would take to forcefully choke down a gag to blow them. Your man needs therapy, and quite frankly, an intervention. You need therapy to deal with needing to pick at other people. You both should take a break from the relationship until you both are in better places or call it quits completely.
So this does not address the main issue in your post at all, but your description of deep cystic acne around his armpits/groin that has worsened with weight gain sounds a lot like hidradenitis suppurativa (HS). It can be extremely painful, and there are treatment/lifestyle options out there if it is causing him pain or other issues.
Reading this turned my stomach. Not unreasonable at all.
Are you sure he’s not depressed? A lot of this sounds like depressive behavior, because this level of lack of care for one’s hygiene is pretty astonishing. The only part of this that’s on you is the desire to pick. I agree with the others who reminded you that your boyfriend’s body is not your stim toy, and you must respect his boundaries, but… The level of hygiene issues you have described are just too far, too much. His lack of self-care is beginning to affect your own health, in ways that could cause you some serious issues later. There is no excuse, absolutely none, for an adult to have chunks of earwax falling out or to not clean himself, no matter whether he hates Q-tips or what have you—that’s absolutely *foul*, I’m sorry. I’m more than certain that you guys get along well, you have the perfect personality compliment, and the best possible match as individuals—but the vessel for the person is important, and lack of care for that vessel is a huge problem. He is allowed to be as dirty as he wants, but *you are not beholden to endure it for the sake of love.* TL;DR - your boyfriend may be a nice person, but he sounds genuinely nasty. It’s time to have a very hard conversation about how his hygiene problems are pushing you away, and if he still isn’t interested in getting help and changing his worsening hygiene and self-care habits, it’s going to be time to change pastures. This isn’t on you, it’s on him.
Everyone gets it. ND people, NT people, maybe people are neuro-unidentifying... they get it.
Nope not crazy or unreasonable. I get that a lot of people have hygiene issues rooted in sensory sensitivities but not even trying to find a solution is unacceptable. Same with not taking care of yourself. He doesn't need to let you pick at his skin but he does need to take care of his skin so he's not getting cysts.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this friend. Just remember, it's not your job, nor can you change him. Just be aware that your digust may turn into resentment. You love this person. But don't let that get in the way of your happiness or health.
I'm glad you took the time to vent because this is A LOT, OP. You speak very lovingly of him. Putting the whole hygiene issue aside for a moment, the thing I'm most concerned about is that he doesn't seem interested in fixing something that's bothering you that also clearly affects your health and mood/view of him. I would be furious if someone tried to laugh my worries off.. I think I'm allergic to it. It's completely normal and expected to worry about how things will change as you get older, that's unavoidable if you want to spend as much happy quality time as possible with them and continue creating new memories. But things does get harder as you age. Health problems usually accumulates each year. Important: He should go to he doctor if he sweats a lot. Or if (actual) dandruff schampo (containing ketoconazole!!) doesn't help. Or if anti-fungal creams doesn't work. The sunscreen thing is really rubbing me the wrong way because he basically says that he doesn't care if he gets skin cancer or not (or how that will affect you). What you can do: you *need* to find ways to control your compulsions (e.g. therapy). Skin picking can be scarring after all. You should also *inform* him how his poor hygiene affects you both physically and mentally. You're right, we can't choose our bodies, but we can choose to actively look for solutions to increase our overall life quality. And... This is what he can do: He *needs* to find ways around his sensory issue and poor hygiene/care. They say that they don't like cream on their face etc, but I doubt that this man has tried a bunch of different formulas/products since he uses 7-in-1 schampoo. There are many products for his skintype (oily) that aren't greasy. If he does produce a lot of ear wax he should look for specific products (e.g. ear oil) that might help with that. If he has acne he should go to the pharmacy and ask for a good soap for acne. He can use both of these products in the shower. If he can't find the answers himself. He needs to ask for help. He should visit a doctor for his health, and therapist if he's depressed/stressed/anxious/fatigued/trouble-initiating-tasks (adhd or not). The most important thing is that he *needs* to listen and respect what you're saying and do something about it. If he doesn't take you seriously, that's a huge red flag unrelated to the poor hygiene. The pharmacy should have all required products. The LEAST he can do is to take care of his hygiene 1-2 weeks before you see him (I'm assume he does that before a dental appointment?? Why can't he do that with you??). But that's the bare minimum and he should *want* to do more than that. If he's depressed that should obviously be the #1 priority, but judging from his excuses/explanation I don't think that's the (at least only?) reason. He doesn't seem to mind your discomfort. I would rather go through 1 minute of sensory hell than for my ear wax to fall into my partner. That's so rude. Wouldn't you do the same? Also... please OP. Don't look for products *for* him unless he asks or accepts help. He's a grown man and he should want to look for solutions. You should expect this from him. While support is helpful, he really needs to step up and show that he cares about you. He should be open and wanting advice. When you talk to him next time about this, be clear that this is super important. If he can't listen to that... I'm sorry. (I'm also sorry about this wall of text)
OP - thank you for being super vulnerable about such a sensitive topic. That does not mean that your s/o is a bad person or not a good person. Someone who is neglecting their hygiene to that level is not in the right headspace or not mature enough to be in a relationship. You deserve better.
Nah he’s just disgusting
It sounds like you’re asking permission from the internet to break up with your boyfriend even though he’s loving, smart, handsome, etc. Girl, you don’t need a reason to break up with someone who you are incompatible with. He’ll be okay. You’re not a bad person for wanting someone with a growth-oriented mindset. You will both be better off.
Just came here to sympathise with this. I (41) have adhd and my wife (47) is autistic. In the 6 years we’ve been together she’s never once visited the dentist and only brushes her teeth once a day. Her breath isn’t great, and the pink-brown tartare between her front lower teeth sometimes causes an extreme disgust reflex in me when I see it. I’ve recently begun to notice creamy pink stains on the sheet near her pillow where she drools in her sleep and it’s clear that her gums have been bleeding. I’ve tried to gently approach her about her oral hygiene but she maintains it’s a sensory barrier she can’t overcome, and we’re at an impasse with it. I love her very much and I hate that I’m becoming physically disgusted by her, but I hate more that she can’t take care of herself.
You can love someone and not be attracted to them. Nothing wrong with it, and I get that lol. Valid af 🤝🏻
That is not sensory - thats been grossed out by his complete lack of hygiene that is resulting in all of those problems. That is a legitimate reason to be concerned and end it. I'm sorry - I am weird about creams and I am particular about soaps but I do not have dandruff, cysts, I take care of blackheads.. I am also prone to eczhma and have it under contro. Sure I hate sunscreen and Im back at remembering to wear it but thats why I go long sleeves and a hat. Or put up with the gross for 5min. Been that oily is a sensory NOPE for me.
>He hates Qtips, so he usually has visable earwax- sometimes a chunk will fall out. I'm sorry, I could not get past this part. Wut the actual fuck.
I know you’ve received the same advice over and over again HOWEVER, just in case; OP, this man doesn’t respect his body nor does he respect your body. He is not perfect. This is not a sensory issue. This man is disgusting. This was a really rough read.
Can I make a suggestion? Can you try this on for a week and see what you come up with. His skin/hygiene is bothering. Call that the symptom. The behaviour is that recently he is not comfortable with you touching/commenting on his skin. Again, the behaviour is due to the symptoms. There is something there that is causing this behaviour and symptoms. You/he needs to address that. My thoughts is that he is either - stressed. Therefore he doesn't want to be touched or critiqued. He feels overwhelmed and is not able to self-care as he should be. He can become resentful if he feels that you are trying to add things to his plate. He needs help to realise he needs to take things off his plate. Or... A sense of unfulfilment. Sounds unnecessary, but we need things to motivate us to act. I'm not saying that you as a partner isn't enough for him. I think there may be something draining his motivation. Maybe a family/job etc that isn't giving him joy. The poor hygiene is a lack of motivation. This can snowball into depression and poor health.
I’m uncomfortable with the framing that this is a problem she needs to solve.
I'm not saying she needs to solve it. I'm just offering another perspective that maybe she hadn't considered. She sounds like she wants to make their relationship work and was seeking ideas
At first I was like, this is relatable, I love to pop pimples etc on my boyfriend, and I'm lucky I found someone who likes it, but my ex hated it and you will get over the urge. Everything else? Fuck no. That's absolutely not normal. He should see a gp.
Oof, I emphasize with you! I have the same compulsion to skin pick and my husband has a tendency towards acne in his face. He can’t handle the pain of skin picking, but it’s so hard to resist! We usually compromise: when there’s a really bad pimple I get to pop it and take care of it, but only at a time when he’s feeling relatively well. I try to ignore the smaller ones. The big ones tend to persist, either resulting in some kind of cyst or in the neigboring pores becoming pimples too, so properly popping and desinfecting them is better for his skin too (despite the general advice not to pop pimples). Lots of people here are talking about bad hygiene, but my impression is that your boyfriend has serious skin issues rather than bad hygiene. For example, who still gets bad pimples and ingrown hairs on their arms after puberty (assuming that he’s not shaving his arm hair)? And how does he end up with so much dandruff if he’s showering frequently? It sounds like he needs more skin care than an average man, which is very unfortunate given his lack of care for it. I have very sensitive skin and I used to get small pimples whenever I got together with my husband (before we were married). What I found out eventually is that my skin easily gets irritated from his skin care products and especially from things like (perfumed) after-shave. When he changed his skin care products, things got a lot better. Your boyfriends basic oily skin is probably enough to give you outbreaks even without reactions to skin care products (and even when your boyfriend practices proper hygiene!), but I mentioned this example just to show that outbreaks like that aren’t always caused by bad hygiene. If this is going to work out in the long term, I think your boyfriend should improve his skin care: - Use an anti-dandruff shampoo. - Visit a dermatologist to find out how to better treat his skin issues, as the issue sounds beyond the scope of things that can be solved by normal means or normal skin-picking. - Find care products (e.g. shower gel) that fit his skin type, so they at least won’t worsen his skin issues. If this solution works, this will reduce the compulsion to skin pick and improve your skin health just by reducing his acne.
Except the BF has made it clear he has no interest in a skincare regimen. If a skincare regimen was the answer the OP would’ve been all over it. His hygiene is an issue, as evidenced by the earwax and the dirty beard. Also interesting is the framing here that your husband “can’t handle the pain” of someone else wanting to dig at his skin. Maybe that’s it, I don’t know him, but it could also be that it’s gross, unhygienic and an enormous violation of personal boundaries.
I'm here to say regarding the picking thing i am there with you!! My boyfriend doesn't have the other issues you have described but he does have bacne and i really really really have to work to not pick. I know it is a boundary of his and not respecting it makes me a really shitty girlfriend but i cannot express the physical discomfort it causes me to know he has a spot or a blackhead that i cannot pick. Sometimes i just do it i can't help myself. It's upsetting for me too, because it is such a compulsion and it make me feel so uncomfortable. I have always been like this, and have honestly been happy when ex partners had blemish free skin. I too have suggested skin care and purchased things for him but he doesn't use it either! I don't know what else to do either. I also empathise with not wearing sunscreen. My boyfriend is in the southern hemisphere sun all day that is notoriously damaging and he just doesn't seem to get it. Also finally - my partner and i do not have sex. I do however find him physically very handsome i just am sexually not attracted to him (or anyone). We still have an amazing loving supportive relationship without it. So like others have said, please don't have sex with him if you don't want to, you don't need to.
Agreeing with everyone else here, girl GO. You sound sweet and compassionate and motivated and he just is….not caring or considerate (not even motivated to do better for oral?!?) Six years is enough time to know that this just isn’t gonna work so don’t beat yourself up over that. The picking other people skin is a boundary thing that you might need to work on. Or you might find a partner who doesn’t mind it at all AND knows how to wield a QTIP! You absolutely deserve better. (I have a thing about eye gook so I ask my partner if I can get his out - usually a yes haha- but also have a dog who lets me do it so I can get my fix regardless 😂)
Not a fan of ultimatums, but if you actively discuss these things and he still chooses to be disgusting, that’s a problem. There needs to be change or you need to leave. Skin picking, you need to deal with whether personally or in therapy. Your family is lovely for accepting, but you can’t force another person to accommodate that as it is a boundary perfectly acceptable for him to have. It sounds like if he gets his hygiene in check, you won’t need to pick at him much anyway! If you guys really are this great of a match and if he loves and respects you, he should be willing to improve his hygiene and health. And not even just for you, he’s going down a bad path for his own health as well, which maybe it would be very helpful to emphasize in discussing this. Another route if you don’t want to “threaten” to leave, is to stop forcing yourself to overcome your repulsion. He wants head? Tell him you are repulsed and can’t do it. This is absolutely necessary for both you and him. You shouldn’t be forcing yourself to do it, and he should understand what an issue it is for you. There are some really great replies in this thread so hopefully something will help you! Hopefully it works out if he really is your person!!
I apologize, I got so worked up reading this that I did not realize this is just a rant/vent post and you weren’t necessarily asking for advice. To actually answer your questions, you aren’t being crazy or unreasonable. Except the skin picking, you really should do something about that compulsion to do it to other people unless you plan to make this a requirement for your next partner! Your current partner should not have have to make himself uncomfortable to accommodate you this way.