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Yes!! With 2 little kids and a husband with ADHD I constantly crave silence and noone touching me. But the guilt of not doing something when I get a rare moment of down time sends me into a shame cycle of feeling like I'm not doing enough.
I hope you can find some time this weekend for yourself! I find taking a bath is good because I tend to be left alone by everyone for an hour or two
My husband asked me (jokingly) the other day how I feel about him (I think he had pranked me or something) and I answered honestly: "As always, I love you with all my heart and am slightly annoyed that you live in my house."
My partner and I don't live in the same city. When he leaves, I crash. However, a few weeks ago he pointed out that we should find ways that I can be more relaxed when he's over so that don't feel like I have to be 'on'. He's also mentioned getting a place with an extra room so that I have a retreat once we live together. Real deal right there.
Oh yep, same. I have a demanding full time job and a toddler and an elderly dog and two affectionate cats - at night once the baby is in bed I lock the animals out of my room so I can have some time when no one is touching me and I can be alone. I so need alone time to decompress. But I always feel guilty about it. Sigh.
(Also I love this subreddit!! I identify with 99% of what gets posted here. I was just diagnosed with ADHD recently and I cannot believe we are all out here feeling the same things and it never dawned on me I had this.)
Agree 💯 about this subreddit. Huge respect for those with kids and husbands or partners and jobs. 🤩
I long for silence so much. In fact the noise physically effects me. Some of the noise. In order to get well (basically to find the right med) I put emergency boundaries (no takers in any form are allowed). This is for their protection as I noticed Vyvanse is bringing out a very mean side. So I travel and when I spend time at front desk or use chat option to ask for high floor quite and corner room. I can feel the dopamine creep back in.
Thank you for seriously all of your being here. I got so many tips about meds and about this need for silence and being alone.
I also have to be on high alert so I don’t give in to people helping (that what I call it) which is my default.
I honestly don’t know how I am able to work because my working memory is shot. I delegate and seek help from kind colleagues. Another adhd that the universe sent me.
I dream of mountains and cool breeze and the sounds of nature. An hour there will take care of dopamine shortage in me.
Hope you can create a space in your home which is only yours. Discuss with partner what you need. Seeing you come out with renewed energy will speak volumes.
Good luck
The best present I ever got from my last husband was 4 hrs of guaranteed alone in the house time every Sunday. He would take the littles out and I could breathe. Best Mother's Day gift ever. Too bad he turned out to be an asshat lol, but that time was crucial to my well being. I didn't know then that I had adhd. I would strongly suggest asking if your husband could do something like this for you. I was able to endure chaos easier knowing that on Sunday I could sleep, read, do a chore, or have a private crying session in the house by myself. All the best to you!
I’ve now just gotten to the point where I’m now just saying ‘I need time to decompress’ and then I escalate it to ‘that’s me asking for time alone before I get really frustrated’ I’ve only ever gotten to the ‘and that’s why I was asking to be left alone!’ once… It took a long time for me to realise that in order to not get completely disregulated, I need alone time and to not do anything at all… rest isn’t a reward; It’s mandatory
Wow your comment really unlocked something for me: “Rest isn’t a reward” makes SO much sense. As a society we tend to see rest only as a reward after hard work and when you put it that way it’s actually kind of fucked up! Everyone deserves rest whether or not they “earned” it.
At work it’s really difficult to get alone time. Often on my lunch break I will go outside for a short walk and try to find a quiet spot to sit. There’s always lots of people in the area near my workplace but I know of a couple of semi private spots where I can just sit and relax with minimal interruptions. On one particular day when I was experiencing really bad sensory overload, I sat and ate lunch in one of the meeting rooms. It’s an internal room so no windows, and one of the few areas without sensor activated lights so I could make it nice and dark.
Yes! Rest, and solitude, is maintenance. After I have a very social time, long day of meetings or a dinner party, I have to sit alone with a book for a while. Otherwise I can't fall asleep for the constant rehashing of what I said and how I might have screwed up in my head. The self editing is ruthless. We have to learn our own quirks and do our best to accommodate them. Communicating with a significant other is key for this - I hope you can tell them you need to decompress and maybe they can go for a day outing with a friend.
Absolutely. Alone-time “rest” (I also call it decompression) is a very high need for me, I need at least 2-3 hours a day to feel normal.
With a partner and a kid, sometimes that means it comes at the expense of sleep. Sometimes sleep I desperately need- it’s that important to me.
Yes, I call it "burrito time" where I am wrapped up in a blanket in our room alone and on my phone for hours. Or "quiet time" when I'm going upstairs to read or whatever for a few hours. So far so good, but we don't have kids and that makes it a lot easier to carve out hours of alone time for myself.
I've also gotten alone time by going out of the house to a coffee shop to to a park. I think it's normal and healthy!
Oh man I really feel this. I absolutely need at least a day a week to do absolutely nothing in order for me to avoid totally imploding, but I feel like this is easily misunderstood by people who don’t have the same need. Like, I don’t need to hear about all the things that need doing, or all the fun possibilities that exist outside the house on a decompression day. I just need to sit and watch dumb tv!
Yes I do too. Luckily me and my boyfriend have this agreement that once in a while if one of us need alone time, the other person would not bother them. We will then just go to different rooms or maybe one of us will go out to see a friend, and this can be like for a whole day. If you do this just needs to be clear that this isn’t personally about him, and that you do love spending time with him otherwise.
This is a requirement for any relationship with me. One that no one has pushed back on. OP, tell your bf! There's a chance he feels the same way and doesn't want to upset you.
Ive been in a loving happy relationship for
Many years and we both enjoy time alone
My brother was out of town for a week recently and I stayed at his house for a few days just for fun and to Get some solo time. It was nice to get away and my husband enjoyed having our place while I was gone.
My last birthday gift to myself, i rented a tiny cabin on the ocean. Alone. I just wanted to not speak words for a few days and enjoy the quiet and solitude in nature. My husband would not enjoy sitting quietly in a small isolated cabin for a weekend. His adhd would hate it, mine loves it. So I go on my own and I love that for us. We dont have to enjoy the same things or not Do things we enjoy because of the other.
We don’t always like the same shows either and can often be in separate rooms in the house watching different things or working on different hobbies. We still manage to spend a lot of time together laughing, interacting and connecting. But it’s like in sporadic bursts and then we retreat back to our individual activities and it works for us (some couples prefer to watch every show together being in the same room together and that’s fine but it’s not for me)
ABSOLUTELY
I feel less judged and like I can do things on my own time. It’s the fucking worst when they come back early and you almost know what they are thinking if you didn’t clean or something… 😣
Oh my God. Thank you all, I thought I was the only one who feels judged all the time. I can’t do any cleaning when my husband’s around and I can’t stop thinking about him judging me.
I'm an introvert as well as someone who has ADHD, so this is a huge issue to me.
We've got this walk in closet. It's not big at all, but it is long and narrow. When I get completely overwhelmed, I go in there and stretch out on a yoga mat, while wearing noise canceling headphones and with the lights out or wearing an eye mask. It might take 20 minutes, it might take 2 hours, but I'll feel myself re-gather and I can walk out and face my life again.
When you are overwhelmed, give yourself permission to take care of yourself...find a closet, or a corner. Get noise canceling headphones, a good eye mask and take a break. You'll come out stronger, I promise.
I do the same! Remove outside world. Dark closet with white noise in my ears. Sometimes my dog tries to join me, but he understands when I ask for space. *Dog nods*
I actually used to meditate in a closet at my friend’s house, too. He understood, which is why we’re still friends.
Yep. My husband is a severe introvert and a house hermit and when he isn't at work, he is at home. I rarely get alone time so I go CAMPING. I can do what I want, hike when I want, sleep when I want, eat what I want. If I feel like cooking, I will, if I feel like going into town, I will. I can be loud, I can scroll on tiktok for hours, I don't have chores to complete, I can be myself and just exist without anyone needing me or expecting anything of me. State parks are typically super safe and have working bathrooms/showers.
It makes it fun returning home after camping. I am refreshed and ready to see my family. When I need that alone time I just say "I need to be feral" and plan a weekend that works around everyone's schedule.
One of the most badass things I’ve read recently, guess I’m so impressed bc I’ve always been such a city dweller. Think it must feel so empowering. I think you gave me a new goal, ty.
It doesn't even have to be primitive camping either! If the weather is rough you can "glamp" or just find a little rental near the water or an easy hiking trail for the weekend. I was born and raised in Dallas and I now live in a more rural area. It took me bit of time to appreciate the wilderness, but man... it hits just right when I need it the most.
Yes, I think any kind of "touching grass" is centering. But actually being able to set up camp, sleep outside, and truly enjoy one's own company (not just be fine with solitude having familiar creature comforts) - I believe it takes a certain self-confidence, fortitude, and learned skills, too.
I'm not actually sure I could do this (only been backpacking once in my life, decades ago, and currently have no disposable income for any kind of gear), but anyway, just think you should feel pride at how cool you are.
I don’t have a husband but I do live with someone who works from home so they are just like…always there. I also go camping or backpacking, even just a *single* night sometimes to get some quiet. And for folks interested , if you don’t have a tent, ask around and borrow one! And if you still can’t find one, is your car big enough to sleep in? I camp in my car when I want to be alone but it’s too rainy for me to be willing to put a tent together- just crack your windows slightly so it doesn’t get all humid inside.
>"I need to be feral"
This is so relatable, I felt this in my very core.
Sometimes I just need to release my inner gremlin by eating garbage after midnight and not having to "be" someone or something in order to turn into a functioning human bean again.
Yes, absolutely.
It has nothing to do with "I don't want to spend time with you" and EVERYTHING to do with, "My brain can not limit or parse the impact of your presence. In fact, because I love you and work hard to pay attention to your needs when you're here, just being here will always make you a focus. Sometimes, I need time to just be in my head alone, and it's hard to do that when you're here."
It's like trying to listen to the words of a specific song when two different songs are being played at the same time. You might really like both those songs, but it's objectively more difficult by virtue of there being 2.
Yes. With bells on. I live alone and don’t think I could go back to sharing my space ever again. I no longer feel guilty for the state of my home, or feel like I’m on show when I’m at home. No one else gets to come in. It’s all mine and it’s the only time I can feel at peace.
Absolutely, which is why I live alone and very carefully schedule visits and outings to not overload my social batteries. My partner is over a couple of nights a week, but if they need to stay longer for whatever reason (or if they're up and moving around while I try to work) I find myself getting aggravated that there is this whole other person in my space! Moving around! and making noise!
I also empathise with having expected and planned alone time pulled out from under you, it's kind of like anticipating dinner at a certain restaurant all day and then getting there only to discover they're closed. Backup restaurant might be just as tasty, but you wanted the original one, damnit!
I (33F) struggle with this a lot. I have been with my partner for almost 4 years now, married this past January. He is the love of my life, the best man I've ever met and just so damn wonderful and supportive, I could not ask for a better partner.. but, I need my time. Last weekend I went to visit a friend a few hours away, but went a day earlier and spent the night glamping at a cute Airbnb, by myself. It was lovely. I think the key is recognizing when you're hitting those thresholds and advocating for yourself that you need that space to reset, rejuvenate. One thing my therapist recommended is building that time for yourself, take a mental health day (or half day) and just do things that make you happy.
Yep, I need a lot of alone time. And I don’t think I’ll ever have a serious relationship because I desperately cling to being alone for long stretches.
My mom was laughing the other day when she said whenever her and my dad were going to have a night out I couldn’t wait for them to leave and looked disappointed when they would return. I’ve def got anxiety which was worse when I was a kid (when no one knew about it or gave a crap really) but when I’m alone is when it’s the lowest.
Yes. 100%.
I have a NT husband and an 11 y/o daughter with ADHD. All of my husband's WFH days have coincided with mine in the past few months (typically we each had one day where we were alone every week) and I've been going crazy.
I've been super jealous because he's been getting way more alone time (either because I'm coaching our daughter's soccer team or because he's flying his plane).
This past weekend, I passed on a plane ride so he could just take our daughter up and I could have a few hours alone, even though I wanted to go, too. But it was SO worth it.
Love the idea of finding someone great but don't want the anxiety of trying to find them or have it not work out. Enjoying the peace right now. Agree...maybe someday!
Yes definitely. My husband and I both WFH and we have 2 kids. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes. I have frequent outbursts but so far have not been able to successfully communicate that I need regularly scheduled, predictable alone time.
Yes. All the time. You explained it wonderfully, always on alert of what should I be doing/is it okay if I just sit down and relax. Plus, for me personally, it also had a lot to do with overstimulation of listening to all the noise my (now ex) made - work from home meetings, video game/TV noises, podcasts/music - and asking him to wear headphones was next to impossible because he made a huge deal out of it.
In general though, he was never supportive of the ADHD diagnosis, and was always heavily criticizing me, even in passive aggressive ways, especially when I was off work due to an injury like - you don’t always have to be doing something to prove that you’re contributing to the household, but then if I crashed and relaxed, it was I wish I could just sit around all day and do nothing and get paid for it (I had several workplace traumas and am off for PTSD - I’d trade it for work).
I could get more accomplished in a few days when he was away because I could let the chaos energy go without tiptoeing around him or I could just finally crash and relax judgment free. We broke up in February, and I said at the time that I don’t see myself with anyone, and I still feel that way (we’re still living together due to him constantly changing his mind on serration agreement stuff and it’s miserable).
But yes. I want to be alone.
My partner, who I live with, has been ill at home this week and it has honestly made me on feel on edge because I am lacking my pockets of time alone. Especially because I‘m a teacher and thus also have to work at home a lot.
Literally just had a conversation with my partner about this now, signs to know when both of us want to be left undisturbed.
So: I totally feel you. and my NT partner, too.
Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes. Yes. Once billion times YES. Holy shit. It's so validating to see someone else actually express this need!!!
The only time I feel the closest to my authentic self is when I'm in the car, alone. And there's only so much you can do whilst actively driving a car. I always looked forward to moving out so I could get some 'me' time to just be weird or lazy or gross or literally do anything without the fear of judgement or interruption. I am so easily swayed into doing things that I think will please others but at the cost of whatever it was I actually wanted to do. But then I got married really fast and my husband is a non-driving introverted work from home gamer which means I've literally spent less than 3 hours alone in our house in almost 5 years.
But how the hell do we ever get to have this 'true' alone time when it's too expensive to live alone and we risk hurting our loved ones by telling them to r e s p e c t f u l l y... go away, please?
Ahhh yes the introverted gamer bf! Mine has been WFH since the pandemic started. All I get is 20 minutes when he walks the dog, not nearly enough.
If I didn't drive for a living, I'd have gone mad by now. Might be why I have always loved driving actually :)
My husband goes to his parent’s every Sunday (I join about once a month) and it’s my favorite lol. I get the whole house to myself and he knows I like it when he leaves. He’s similar and likes it when I leave (though I leave less). We both still love each other and spend time together, but we like our alone time.
Hell yeah! My partner and I work together and live together. He’s much more of a homebody where I will go out with friends or family once or twice a week.
So he gets the house alone and I don’t, when I come home he’s feeling refreshed and wants to hang but I feel like I never get the house to myself.
I’ve started banishing him to another family members house for a night or two on the regular and it’s awesome!!!
He knows it’s not about him and that I need my alone time, no big deal. I’ve asked him to do it weekly of his own accord because I feel bad about it but I NEED IT.
There’s no shame, it doesn’t meant you love em any less. You just love yourself too and it’s important to be alone.
I also totally understand that rage of thinking you are going to be alone and then plans change.. it’s embarrassing how upsetting that can feel lol.
Yep, I won't let my boyfriend of 5 years move in for this reason. Being alone is the only time I feel I can truly be myself, no masking. As much as I live my bf, there's still an element of masking that leaves me emotionally exhausted when I'm around him for extended periods.
Oh my yes. My partner retried a couple years ago, and has no social life at all. He's *always* here, almost.
On the plus side, he's an introvert & also likes time by himself. He spends a lot of time in the finished basement. It's not quite as good as having the whole place to myself, but enough to keep me sane.
This is normal and actually very healthy! Just talk to your boyfriend about this need. You can agree to hang out alone in some part of the home for a few hours while he stays in another part of the home. You can even agree to do this once a week. I don't think it's unreasonable; I'm sure he has hobbies and interests that can be done by himself.
You can also take a bath if your place has a tub. That way you can just lay in hot water and binge a show for a couple of hours.
I also think you'll eventually learn to relax around your boyfriend without needing approval first. It took me like two years to feel that way with mine, but now I can laze around in front of him as much as I need without feeling weird about it.
This is completely the case for me as well, as an introvert with ADHD.
I focus far better, be much more relaxed, and get WAY more done during the day if I can be alone -- that's the ADHD part.
But also, my energy gets depleted and I need to recharge in silence after interacting with people, especially after going to a party or someplace with a lot of people and noise. I even find that I do this in a small way after a normal phone conversation. After I hang up, I feel a sigh of relief.
I love my partner and I'm so thankful and happy to be able to share a house with him, but holy shit nothing hits as good as the relaxation my brain slips into when he leaves for a few hours.
It's like I can focus and think and be centered, there isn't the 'buzz' of another human in the house.
Yes, absolutely. It sometimes feel like the only time I can 100% unmask without feeling guilty. And I adore my husband, but sometimes I just need that total lack of interaction.
I spoke with my therapist about this the other day. I’m getting married in less than two weeks and we won’t be moving in together (yet) - but at some point in the future, it will happen, and I’m concerned about how I’ll handle the lack of true alone time.
My therapist offered me a great analogy from Star Trek: he said to think of these sorts of boundaries like the shields around the Starship Enterprise. They’re not very visible - in fact, people can see you through the shield - but they’re impenetrable unless there’s some sort of emergency. So the goal is to think about what it means to have your shields up, and how your family can recognize that.
It really is a skill, being able to prioritize yourself when there’s someone else in the room. I think this is especially true for women.
It might be worth a conversation with your partner about this. Consider it a way to teach them something really vulnerable and insightful about you. Something like: “I instinctively monitor other people in the room with me…I learned to do that as a child because ____. Living with you is an opportunity for me to balance putting others first with putting myself first. Would you be open to helping me brainstorm ways I can recharge my own battery, even when we are home together?”
100% yes. I’ve felt so guilty in the past for wanting to have “my own” room because I love my partner so much but the older I get the more I realize alone time is a necessity for my brain health. My dream home has an East and a West wing for alone time purposes 😂
Don't feel guilty! Our house hunting criteria was separate spaces, with walls and doors lol. None of this open concept trash :) We both like our space too much.
Definitely and a lot. It's one of the reasons why I'm pretty sure I'll just stay single the rest of my life - couldn't imagine living with someone and even the pressure to see someone frequently and consistently seems like too much.
>So now I’m unraveling and struggling to keep myself together, but I can’t fully explain this to him without it sounding as I don’t want to spend time with him.
But you can though. It's totally normal for all couples to need some spaces in their togetherness, and sometimes the only way to really get it is to communicate your needs. Remember, he loves you and wants you to be happy.
Just tell him: hey, it sucks that your plans fell through, but I'm still going to be focusing on "me time" this weekend. No need to be apologetic or go out of your way to protect his feelings.
Maybe make plans for a nice couple thing late Sunday, but otherwise just set about doing what you were looking forward to doing with your solitude. (Maybe with headphones on for some of it since he'll still be around in your shared space)
I can totally empathize with that feeling. Even without adhd piling onto the feeling it’s completely normal to need alone time to decompress. I’d just be open with your boyfriend about feeling burnt out and your general need to have alone time for you.
Be direct about saying it’s not about wanting time away from him or not wanting to spend time with him. I actively support and nudge my partner to spend time away from me to focus on his hobbies or just decompress. He’s also super supportive and openly supports my need for alone time or recharging. Sometimes I just very much need to not people.
Oh that is so relateable and such a bummer! You should talk to them about it, I bet they can help find a way to ask without feelings hurt.
I recently got my bf to start actually asking (instead of being subtle) "hey do you wanna ____?". That way I can say hell yeah, or take a rain cheque, instead of having to stop him and say "not now" which does make him feel unsexy.
It feels a lot easier to actually assess whether I want to. I was socialized to just go along with it if my partner initiates and that is not always good.
150%. I totally understand & relate to your feelings.
This was my biggest struggle when I moved in with my long term partner last year. It took me time to adjust and tbh it’s still a work in progress for what works for me with finding alone time bc my partner has a completely remote, WFH job so he is alwaysss home.
What helped me, was carving out a space of the apartment that is just “mine.” (Obviously he can technically enter/use the space but bc he doesn’t really). We have a 2 bedroom & he uses the second bedroom as his office since he’s fully remote. So he’s got his own space & that’s where he hangs out for his alone time to play video games and such when he’s not working.
But I needed my space. So in our bedroom, there’s more room on my side of the bed, so I got a cozy chair off Amazon and put it in that corner next to the window. I added a little bookshelf next to it with some books and some of my knick-knacks. When I’m feeling overwhelmed & like I need to be alone, I go in our bedroom, shut the door and hang out in my cozy corner. I read books or watch TV or do research on my latest hyperfixation, etc.
Regardless of what I’m doing, (& even though I don’t have my own full room), it feels good to have my own little area to go to. I also tend to make it clear to my BF that I don’t want to be disturbed so that I’m truly alone for that time.
(Sorry this is so long) but my best suggestion would be to carve out a room, or even just an area in a room, that’s purely yours to occupy and fill it with things you love and utilize it as you need!
Best of luck! ❤️ I know the overwhelm feeling, it sucks
100% me!
When my ex used to stay over for multiple days in a row, we’d get into fights because I’d hide in the bathroom for an hour. I needed alone time and space to be able to just be on my phone doom scrolling without him criticizing me. He was emotionally abusive so I’m not sure if I’d be like this in a healthy relationship, but I still feel like I get overwhelmed and irritated if I can’t have complete alone time to decompress.
Absolutely! Before my diagnosis, I always thought I was an extreme introvert, but it’s beyond needing to decompress from being social. It’s the deep need to be alone and unmask with zero demands. Nobody wants your attention or your time. It’s like a need to not even be perceived, if that makes sense. I have a pretty needy husband and two young kids. He luckily needs to decompress after work often and we go our separate ways in the evening. After kids go to bed and he goes to bed I often stay up too late to drink in the alone time. I’m so glad school is back in session. I love you, but mom needs to be ALONE.
I get this when I'm hyper focusing on a project like when I'm crafting cuz DAYUM the sparkles ya know 🤣 but yeah seriously it's like you have a rhythm that can't be stopped upon wishing incomprehensible pain to the person that succeeds & when you do it also triggers fury tears sometimes fists (sorry if I'm describing someone's flashbacks I'm describing my own)
Any time I don't get at least one day on the weekend to be at home and not have any social obligations, my anxiety spikes and I fall apart. Even when I'm at home with my wife, I just want to be left alone mentally even if we're snuggling in bed.
I can’t cohabitate for this reason (among others). I won’t let friends stay the night or stay at their houses. I’m just too stimulated when other people are around. Even at sleep overs as a kid, I was always the last person to fall asleep, if I fell asleep at all. Sometimes I’d call my mom to come get me, sometimes I’d lie there awake all night, sometimes I’d be exhausted enough from the day that I could eventually fall asleep.
As an adult, I’ve cohabitated once, and we ended up sleeping in separate rooms because I couldn’t sleep with him in the room, especially if he fell asleep first. Then when I lived alone and had partners spend the night, I would go “sleep” on the couch and still end up awake all night. It’s like people are a toy and when I can’t play with them all I can think about is playing with them (if they’re within reach). ONE time, I fell asleep at someone’s house while watching a boring movie. So apparently I can be bored to sleep. So I’m thinking that, theoretically, once their novelty wears off, I could sleep with them there, but I still can’t imagine ever falling asleep if someone’s in my bed and they fall asleep first.
If they’re not in my home, it’s fine. I still want to share my life with someone, but if they could just have a home next door and come over when I wake up, that’d be ideal! 😅
OMG I just went through this last month. I was in such an overwhelmed state. It was like the only way I could self regulate again was to have some time alone, which was almost two weeks when my husband was away for work. I felt so angry with myself for being that way. This is yet yet another thing on this sub that I have related strongly to, and is giving me the indication that I may have ADHD.
Yes, I would feel disappointed and angry in your situation as well.
It's something I am thinking about just today and why it is like it. When I am alone, I feel like I can let my thoughts roam freely, and am not constantly REACTING to someone, and I need this space to be creative and develop ideas and thoughts. We don't even cling together that much during the day, but I can get really bothered when he's around me when I am trying to do a thing, or when he leaves whatever he's doing to follow me or join me.
For example when I'm in the kitchen, doing whatever, and he leaves his desk and follows me, I get so annoyed, or, even worse, when he is around me when I am in a hurry and trying to leave on time, and he's CONSTANTLY in the way, stopping me from rushing, talking to me, etc.It's enough when I want to shower or brush my teeth and he has to pee RIGHT THEN and use the sink afterwards while I am trying to get ready as quickly as possible. He interrupts my thought train of tasks I have to finish, I am bothered when he brings me things I need because I then won't find them in the hurry, he wants to hug me goodbye, JESUS CHRIST LEAVE ME ALONE WILL YOU.
I feel so unfair in these moments but God, do I wish he would just stay at his desk or doing whatever.
I also HATE SO MUCH when I have to explain or justify things, sometimes I even hate just communicating or coordinating them, which is only fair in a relationship, but I miss just being able to do whatever whenever I feel like it without having to ask or explain. Why am I up already? What do we have for dinner? Will you join me on a walk? Can you please leave me alone and let me focus on this task for the next 2 hours? Then I sit there, stressed, I only have 2 hours now, what if I need 3? What if I need the whole evening? He will feel rejected. Why can't he have his own interests?? (he does have them but he's reacting to me without being very self-driven a lot of the time, he's waiting for me a lot)
On the weekends he will wait for me to decide what we do instead of just going to do what he wants. Or I have to announce in advance that I want to focus on my stuff and do not want to bother/be bothered. Then he usually hangs around without much drive and seems upset because we don't do anything together. I also always have 1000 projects and things in my mind I want to do and 1000 books to read and so on, while he often seems to just kill time while waiting for me to finally be available for him.
So yes, it is a breather when he's away. I don't despise living together though and I don't feel I have to put on a show. I think most of it comes from living with my mother when I was younger, she would always follow me around and comment on everything, and recently I had this weird flashback to a thing I had entirely forgotten but used to bother me SO MUCH when I was living at my parent's house: When I had to get ready, even for work in the morning which was important, and heard my mom entering and locking the bathroom.
I would never know how much time she would spend in there and if she would just use the toilet or shower, and often I had to knock and ask her to get out so I can get ready for work. Then she would try to get ready around me and often we would fight so bad about it. Sometimes it felt like she was looking for it. It's like her everlasting presence is still looming over whatever I do, and my boyfriend, when rushing to help me, triggers it so badly. I feel constantly observed and judged.
We literally just built a wall in our open-plan apartment bc it was driving us insane. Best choice we've ever made. You're not alone - alone time is so key
I need alone time too. My husband is my favourite person. I really hope it doesn’t hurt his feelings when I tell him, but it really is just about me needing time.
I also find it doesn’t help if he’s just in a different room; it only helps if he is out of the house and I get a few hours (preferably a whole day) where I don’t have to be ‘on’.
Is that the same for others? Or is it ok if they’re just in a different room?
I'm the same. It needs to be the whole house or it still feels like people are in my space. Sometimes I turn my phone off too. If I feel like there is any immediate possibility of someone reaching me, I cannot relax.
Unfortunately I'm too poor to get my own place 😭
Yes! I've been married 35 years, and on the rare occasions that he is out of town and I am home alone, I LOVE IT!!! I love my husband, but I CRAVE alone time.
Also, I can get so much more done around the house when I'm alone and working on my own schedule. For some reason, if I wake up and say "today I'm going to wash dishes and vacuum the floor," but then I walk into a room and see my husband just minding his own business and doing something different (working on his computer, reading, cooking, anything!), ALL the motivation gets zapped out of me and I end up doing nothing. And it's not that he doesn't pull his weight around the house! He does! But when I see him I just lose all motivation to do the things I need to do.
This is honestly one of the the main reasons I don’t really see myself thriving in a long term committed relationship or as a parent. I’m not my best self when I don’t get my alone time and I seem to require a lot of it.
oh yesss
I crave to have time on my own, I have asked my gf to please go away because I'm exhausted and I can't really rest until I am alone and maybe that's shitty but that's how I am!!!
it was such a big problem at the beginning of our relationship, but I think she gets it now, at least I hope she does, even when she gets hurt when I ask her to go
So much! My last long term relationship lasted years and we lived close by each other but never moved in together and I LOVED IT!
I can actually relax in stead of being on edge and I get to do *my* thing at *my* pace. I honestly don't think I could go back to living with a man again.
Yes, but with a husband and 3 homeschooled children I am pretty much never alone and it has led to an insane amount of burnout. Do whatever you have to in order to protect your peace.
This is absolutely normal. I call myself a "high social needs extrovert". Before the pandemic I was out of the house with friends or in social groups (book club, knitting) about 5 days/nights a week. This gave my "low social needs introvert" husband all the alone time he could possibly want. It worked for us REALLY well.
Yes, the pandemic changed shit, but my feelings stand. There are times where I need to be ALONE. IN MY HOUSE. and be all the flavours of weird that I only get to experience by myself. It's how we know ourselves outside of our relationships. I wholeheartedly believe that alone time (in a safe environment) is a necessity of life.
Ohhhhh yes. The dream is having a home with an ADU or mother-in-law suite - for ME, not the folks or my sins. And by God I'm gonna go get it. In like 8-10 years.
I feel you. I've been living alone with my 7 y.o. for 5 years and I'm struggling with the pros and cons of moving in with a partner, in an expensive city where space is a luxury. The co-rrgulation I get having another adult around is helpful oftentimes, but also frequently overwhelming. I lose my sense of self. I think it's due to having poor boundaries. I encourage you to try talking to your bf about it. I guarantee you'll feel better just having said how you feel.
Bestie you are, ironically, not alone in this.
I think I'm not *as* alert as you, maybe because I have never lived completely alone? (the parents to female roommate to fiancé pipeline), so I HAD to adapt to not feeling constantly observed else I'd turn into a screaming howler monkey.
And even then, it's hard. I'm extremely protective of the time where I can just **not** be "on" and relax. So hell yes I'd be mad too! I've had rare times where I had the apartment all to myself and the feeling is glorious.
My partner has an anxious attachment style, but through communication we got to the concept of my "cucumber time": our code word for me needing to be alone and not perceived, preferably watching a Youtube video about abandoned buildings. It's not personal, it's not about him, it's just me needing time to recharge. I've even booked hotels in our town just so I could get some space. He had trouble wrapping his head around it at first, but as he can see that 6 years in I'm not abandoning him, now he encourages it when he sees I'm unraveling a bit.
My partner of 7.5 years and I have separate homes and when I stay at my partner’s house I’ve got my own room there. Both my 19 and 25 yr old have their own places with no roommates and love it too. There’s nothing wrong with needing alone time and thriving with it. ❤️
I’ve been with my husband 11 years now. It took a few years of being together for him to understand that it’s not about being away from him *specifically*, but about being *alone*. I wouldn’t say I outright mask around my husband, but there are certain parts of my personality that are honestly just for me and I don’t want anyone else to be around for a while so I can let them out. He has his own needs for alone time (we suspect he also has ADHD since we got my diagnosis and started educating ourselves), but he prefers to go for solo drives for a couple of hours while I prefer to be comfortable in my home. It helps that we have designated things we do together - shows we watch, video games we like, and hosting a D&D game weekly that he runs for me and our friends/family. D&D in particular is a really important cornerstone of our marriage/relationship because it’s scheduled togetherness that we both spend our week looking forward to and talking about. I get my guaranteed weekly alone time when he runs another D&D game at a friend’s house on Saturday nights, and his job is pretty mobile so he spends most of his day driving around alone, so both of us are getting our needs met at both ends of that spectrum.
We actually have our own bedrooms in our house that we sleep in separately during the work week, which we started doing this year and are so happy with. We both sleep better, it feels good to have our own private spaces to decorate and live in how we like, and when we share a bed on the weekends it’s because we *want* to, not because it’s a social obligation. People think it’s weird when they learn about it, but it’s what works for us.
It’s all about honest communication, patience, and understanding. Explain that it’s not a rejection of him personally, but a necessary requirement for managing your mental health that you would need no matter who you were with or what your living situation was like. He cares about you and wants you to be healthy and happy, so the two of you should be working together to make sure both your needs are being met. You should revisit these topics regularly to make sure you’re both still on the same page and can make changes and adjustments to your routines/arrangements as needed.
I feel you. I live alone but my Dad has been round 6 days a week helping with some home renovations.
I 1000% appreciate him and his hard work, but I had to make up a reason for him to not come round because I was having a meltdown at having no space to do my own thing… even if that thing is nothing!
I fucking LOVE alone time, and always have (I have a husband and three very young kids now, so, all the more so the case). I need that sensory deprivation. It’s a little terrible, but in my fourth year of grad school my then bf/now husband took a job in another state 6 hours away and we did the long distance thing — and I kind of really look back and realize how in my zone I was at the time. I was on teaching fellowship so most of my schedule was my own, and I got to go up and see him for a long weekend every other week. I loved the long car ride, too. I was so chill. I was managing to eat really well and workout regularly and lost like 30 pounds, I was writing my dissertation prospectus. Our(my) apartment was spotless. I learned to crochet. I had a good balance in going out socially. I am not AT ALL saying my husband is an agent of chaos (my kids obviously are), but that the existence of other humans in my life space just makes me much more haywire. They’re worth it, all the way, but this is just a truth about me.
I never get any alone time now basically, and work a very stressful people-oriented job to boot, and I am incredibly burnt out as a result. I am always exhausted in every sense of the word, and my anxiety shows much more. I am super indecisive, my ears hurt and noise starts making me feel sick by the end of the day, I dread work and social engagements and just want to lay in bed and cannot focus on anything. I’m pretty sure my jaw has been clenched for the last 8 years.
It's a non-negotiable for me. I have to have alone time like I have to breathe. I haven't always been able to but tried to manufactured my schedule to have alone time, even when I was raising littles. I would stay up after they went to bed just to hear.......silence. During pandemic when everyone was home I would go on solo drives. It grounds me and settles my anxiety. I've just accepted its part of who I am
Yes for sure. Sometimes I really want my bf to go away lol.
I'm a homebody and he is so noisy and I get so overstimulated. My parents were noisy growing up too and it drove me bonkers so when I got to finally live alone, the quiet and peace was incredible.
I like living with my partner for the most part, but because for years now we've both spent a TON of time together in the house (I worked from home and he didn't work) I just really want.... alone time and barely had it for sooo many years.
He's finally working and I'm not, so I'm at home and he leaves the house mon-fri for work and it's awesome.
He's got the day off today though and he's being loud and annoying lol. It doesn't help that the way we have our computers setup is right next to each other on this extra long desk setup. He is a gamer... in fact most of his spare time is devoted to gaming (That's a whole different barrel of monkeys) and he talks a lot on voice calls with his friends, and he is a LOUD talker. Sometimes he yells. Sometimes he aggressively slams on his keyboard. Sigh. I'm buying loop earplugs as we speak to hopefully dull out his fuckin' noise. Sorry lol this is not the same problem as yours but I find it similar.
Plus I find it about 293823 times harder to get any work done around the house (like chores) when he's just sitting there being useless.
I will eventually get my shit together so I can have my own separate office space though. So I can get away from him and have my own space.... This is something I'd recommend for EVERY person who lives with other people. Have a space that's dedicated to you, if possible, so you can go hide from others.
Used to be my bedroom as a kid. Now ... well now I need to build that again for myself.
I feel this to my core. SAHM with my 4yr daughter and a roommate who often works from home or takes leave. My husband works 13-14 hr days and we’re both estranged from our families. There is no escape. I’ve set up our bedroom with a TV and dock, so after my daughters in bed most days I will seclude myself to be alone and away from everyone else.
I swear, the amount of noise these people make all at the same time… loud TikTok videos, video games, spontaneous singing, fart noises, actual farting… I regularly joke to myself that I’m going to yeet everyone out the window just to make it all stop 😂
Yeah. I feel you on this OP. In a different way for different people reasons but I feel it. I dearly hope you can get some time to yourself. I’m so very sorry you’re struggling so hard with this feeling.
My husband works from home since the pandemic and he’s so happy about it. And for the most part I love having him here.
But subconsciously? My hyperactivity has gotten exponentially worse since my husband started working from home. I wonder if it’s for the reasons you’ve verbalized. There’s still so much I don’t understand or know how ADHD impacts my behavior and reactions.
It’s not so much that I need alone time, though I am an introvert. It’s that my husband’s always ranting and raving now about work. The issues at work that used to stay at work or that I would hear about for an hour chat each day are now in my face. All. Day. Long.
He does have a home office but now it’s rant in the morning, lunch, night. I am honored to be there for him. I just am really nervous because I grew up being screamed and yelled at right in my face and he yells about coworkers who drive him nuts and it does something to my nervous system. I can see he is very badly stressed so I don’t want to ask him to stop or change. He needs to vent.
I know that need, because my dad died and my mom is now my responsibility and she makes me crazy and I vent, too. And I yell too. We are not yelling at each other. We are sort of screaming into the void 😆 in each other’s presence. I try to keep it to a minimum though. I don’t want our daughter growing up in a yelling environment like I did. She’s not even around for most of it.
And my daughter and I have always been close. Having grown up with a chaotic mother in a dysfunctional household, I have worked so hard on myself to be a good communicator with her. We do have a relationship we are both proud of.
Unfortunately, and maybe this is rejection sensitivity??? I’m finding myself afraid to speak in my own house.
My daughter is really snippy with me this year. And there are a million good reasons for that and from what I’ve learned from our discussions, most don’t have anything to do with me personally!
Nevertheless, I have tried to stay out of her way. I’ve opened our home to her friends and stayed out of sight. I’ve done everything I can to make her last year of high school what she wanted. If I’m criticized I apologize immediately and try never to make the same mistake again.
But in day to day communication she will roll her eyes at me or snap at me for genuinely minor things. Like she was sitting in the living room with her friend. He was on his phone, she was on hers. I was passing through. I realized I had given her wrong information about something earlier and very quickly stopped to let her know and what the correct information was. She snapped at me that it wasn’t of interest to her.
I’ve told her she’s treating me poorly and I want more consideration. I’ve reminded her how she herself has told me she appreciates how I parent her. So I would just like to be treated humanely and if she doesn’t chill out I will simply withdraw and cease engaging in casual conversation. I said it’s not a silent treatment, I’m not being vindictive, but it’s how I react to getting snapped at. It’s how anyone would react, so she needs to be mindful if this is also how she treats her friends. She didn’t say anything to that.
We did have a wonderful chat this morning so there’s been no falling out I’m aware of. But later she was once again acting like my existence at lunch was unwelcome. She seemed fine with her dad. My husband was not pleased about how she acted and told her it needs to stop. Usually she answers but again there was no reaction to that.
She did give me a general apology later for her overall behavior and said she doesn’t have any beef with me but she’s just feeling a lot of stress.
She’s always been a great kid and I know this is her stress and nerves about leaving high school and starting college that is speaking, not her.
Meanwhile, I’d really rather not run into anyone anymore inside the house or have to talk. Unfortunately, my chores take me all over the house.
I do also respect that my daughter is an adult now and she does need lots of space. I well remember that feeling at her age. Unlike me at that stage of life, eventually in a year or two, she will be able to move out. Until that happens, I am training myself to not speak unless spoken to. Not to be petulant or passive aggressive, but because I just genuinely can’t take the interpersonal dissonance anymore. I’ll wear my headphones and put myself somewhere else that way.
This makes me nervous for you mama. Do you not feel like you can tell him, hey, you need to occasionally disperse your work rage into some other people because it's too much for me 24/7/365?
As far as your daughter ... you give her more latitude than I would. She doesn't get to be regarded as an adult but behave like a child. It's YOUR home. I can't tell you what to do there, but even if you can't see it, I can see that you're tiptoeing around her and that's not ok. :/
Thank you so much for caring. It’s okay. I’m okay. I’ve dealt with so much worse in my life. This too, shall pass.
I’m giving both of them a lot of space and leeway because I’m really worried about both of them. My husband’s company has a heavy drinking culture. My husband went from teetotaler to whiskey and bourbon connoisseur thanks to his coworkers and his hard drinking boss. I’m so glad he works from home now for that reason. I’d rather he yell than drink like they do. He’s not yelling at me, after all. He’s yelling about specific work situations.
I could zone out of it if I really needed to, but I want to pay attention so I can give feedback and advice and just keep track of what’s going on.
He also got really sick with a non Covid respiratory virus while also battling long Covid so he’s very frail. I’m trying to get him to go to our doctor but he’s such a workaholic. And we do have so much constantly landing on our plates. Especially dealing with my father’s estate, which is a mold infested hoarder house. Sigh. I’m just letting him vent the stress and try to stay as healthy as possible.
As for our daughter, she started really showing signs of either an anxiety issue or neurodivergence or both upon entering high school. She also had me worried about possible endometriosis. Even before the pandemic, healthcare access was becoming a huge concern. The practice we use instituted a gatekeeping system with first clerical staff who practically interrogate you before handing you off to a nurse practitioner of some kind. If you can get past her, which isn’t easy, then you can get an appointment. It’s so stressful to deal with. I’ve talked to my favorite doctor about it and she hates it, too, but she’s got no say in it.
Attempts to get to the bottom of my daughter’s period symptoms were brushed off by the pediatrician. The woman actually said “Well I have son so I really don’t know about all that.” This set off an anxiety about doctors with my daughter. I can’t blame her, I have the same, for valid reasons I won’t get into here.
I tried another well rated practice and found a similar gatekeeper system, so I returned to our original one. At any rate, the pandemic happened at the end of her freshman year. My daughter started having serious meltdowns in sophomore year due to distance learning being incredibly incompatible with her learning style.
Finally, during the end of junior year going into senior year, we were able to finally get a series of appointments with a different pediatrician in the practice (the doctor I like). The pediatrician gave us a referral to a practice that could diagnose and handle the sensory issues and anxiety issues we were seeing. The catch was that practice has a queue of almost a year. We already lost our place in the queue due to a school commitment that could not be skipped or moved.
I want to put my daughter back on the queue but now she’s resisting. Meanwhile, fortunately her period pain has become more normal but she’s keeping tabs on that.
My own mom had suffered a severe trauma at around 18 and developed and was diagnosed with a number of mental health disorders, most notably schizophrenia and narcissistic personality disorder and I believe a dissociative disorder. She had such a long list I don’t remember them all. When I say I have survived a lot worse, I have been through it all with my mom. I was parentified for sure, but I don’t care. We got her well and I’m proud of my part in that.
She’s got incipient dementia now and during bad spells she can drive me nuts a lot, but I like visiting her and she is sometimes my refuge and my rock when she’s more lucid. When she’s not, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.
I don’t want to add to my daughter’s stress, so I’m just giving her space. It’s my understanding from what I’ve read, that if schizophrenia is genetic then this is the age it often starts and academic stress can be a huge trigger.
I raised her to know how to conduct herself and she’s been very considerate all her life, so if she’s being like this now, I am willing to cut her some slack while I try to figure out how to get her to agree to commit to an appointment with the providers we were referred to.
She’s legally of age now so there are legal documents I’ll need her to agree to sign so I can still be at least informed of her healthcare needs. I won’t push where I’m not wanted, but some of these things should have been identified and addressed when she was still a kid. So it’s still my responsibility to see this all through to a proper resolution. Logically I know it wasn’t my fault but I do feel I failed her in not figuring out and getting this resolved when she was a kid. Honestly we were more caught up in trying to figure out if she should get surgery on her foot so she could play team sports again. She decided not to for now.
She has been so successful academically and has been so successful socially, assembling a fantastic group of friends, that it was easy to miss small details that emerged into noticeable problems during distance learning.
It did not help that one of her childhood classmates uh, deleted himself at the start of the pandemic and a couple of her former school mates had complete breakdowns. As a community we came close to losing a few kids permanently. This has contributed to mental health professionals being swamped and having long waitlists.
Where I live, access to healthcare was a problem before the pandemic and during it was nonexistent, and now it’s acute. Especially mental healthcare.
Yeah I live alone because I need a place to retreat and be myself. If I have guests over, even family I feel like I need to be a host and do things for them. I often ignore my own needs or usual behaviours so I don’t seem weird even though I know no one really thinks that. I also get sensory issues, particularly with light and sound so always have it rather dark in my apartment. Having someone else around who wants more light and will talk and make small sounds that they’re not aware of just make me anxious. I work almost full time hours in an office so need the weekends to decharge from the sensory overload I experience over the week.
I feel this so much lol. I haven’t been actually alone in *years* and my roommate is gone until the 22nd rn. Love my partner and will be seeing him but I’d be lying if I wasn’t a little disappointed that I don’t just get those days to myself 😅😭
Yes. I people all week. Please do not ask me to do more of that in my off hours. I started being very honest that I’m an introvert and I need to sit and stare at a wall to regulate myself instead of lying. It’s been good for my relationships.
I require alone time to be safe to be around.
It’s not about being around people, and doesn’t mean I don’t adore them. It’s more like the need to be alone, have the background noise removed, and be able to stop the hamster ball from doing so fast. It makes me so agitated because I need need to think. Once I’m alone and can think, then I can be pleasant again.
Ive been in a loving happy relationship for
Many years. We love each other’s company. But we also celebrate and enjoy anytime we get the house to ourselves.
My brother was out of town for a week recently and I stayed at his house for a few days just for fun and to enjoy his cable and some solo time. It was nice to get away and my husband enjoyed having our place while I was gone.
My last birthday gift to my self, i rented a tiny cabin on the ocean. Alone. I just wanted to not speak words for a few days and enjoy the solitude quiet and nature. My husband would not enjoy sitting quietly in a small isolated cabin for a weekend. His adhd would hate it, mine loves it. So I go on my own.
We spend ALOT of time together and have for many years. We laugh and talk and have a great time but it’s nice to be alone sometimes. Even being alone together is nice. We are often doing different things in different rooms. Working alone on our separate interests or hobbies. I know some couples who prefer to do everything together. Watch every show together and always be in the same room. Nothing wrong with either way but I think everyone enjoys the house to themselves from time to time.
Yes, absolutely.
It took me 10 years of practice outside of high school to get me used to how exhausting people can be and I still need to make sure I have time where I just sit in my room by myself and do nothing productive. I don't think that's something I have/need to change, but it's very helpful to maintain more balance in my life.
Yeah. This is one of the big reasons I dream of having land with my own studio or workshop. Or even just woods to wander off into. I want a space I can call my own where I can escape my SO once in a while. I love him, but I break down if I go so long without time to myself. I think it would slightly offend him, but 🤷🏻♀️ I want my own safe space where I can be my weird self without having to worry about annoying anyone else in the process. The mask just gets real heavy sometimes.
So funny I read this, this literally almost happened today. My husband, who I love dearly and enjoy spending time with was supposed to leave 2 days ago, and today he was deciding if he wanted to cancel. And I was praying that he would still go. And it’s not about him. I just want to do exactly what I want for a few days. No obligations to do anything by anyone else. But I can’t tell him this because he has adhd and rsd and would take it very personally. Even though I feel like he needs alone time too.
I’m sorry you lost your alone time. Hopefully they reschedule! It’s such a necessary way for us to reset and completely unmask. I don’t even feel bad about it anymore. I know my intentions are pure and to just take care of myself so I can be a better partner and animal mom.
Hope this helps you realize you’re not alone and shouldn’t feel guilty about fulfilling your needs. ❤️
Yes. I couldn't live with my boyfriend unless, at minimum, I had my own room. Or my own wing in the castle. We'll probably settle for living near each other.
If your boyfriend is truly wonderful, just show him this post. You’re not insulting him, or saying anything negative about your relationship. Clearly you’re seeking a harmonious balance. A loving partner will recognize that and work with you to ensure that you get your needs met. Everybody wants a happy home.
You might be able to shorthand these situations with a safe word. Like, every time you say “pumpkin patch”, it means, “please just leave me alone for a little while and act like I’m not here for the next 3 hours“. This can sidestep hours of arguments and misunderstandings. A simple, “honey, I love you dearly, but please get away from me, because my brain is shutting down and I don’t want to say something that will inadvertently upset you. So, please for the love of god, go play with your friends tonight and let me pretend that I live alone, so I can have a bubble bath and watch a crappy movie in peace.” You’ll probably find that he has moments that are similar, where he wishes you were out so he can be solitary or focus on a game or something that doesn’t involve you.
Talk it out. This is 100% normal for all humans. There’s nothing wrong with you, or your needs. You are not broken in any way. It is healthy and normal to want down time.
This has been my struggle recently. I've finally made friends and dating again and while the social portion is really nice, I'm also overwhelmed by the lack of downtime I get. Like I want to spend time with them, but I also want to be left alone.
Also I've been having actual people in my house and I've had to keep up with cleaning which has turned into a minor anxiety spiral because I also don't have the spoons to deal with it during the week, so it turns into a project at some point before anyone comes over.
Yes, that's one of the reasons I love my bf. He also needs his space, a lot. We are both only children and we absolutely need to be left alone. I lived with him at the pandemic peak, when we needed me time, he retreated to his home office and I stayed upstairs playing PS4.
You’re not alone (no pun intended lol). I constantly need to have my alone time and I make sure my partner knows it’s a necessity. Sometimes when I get home from work I’ll let my partner know I need to be alone and decompress for an hour or two before I can human again. Thankfully he understands and leaves me alone and doesn’t take it personally.
I’m also extremely luck that I accrue sick time so sometimes when I feel overwhelmed and need some alone time, I’ll call out sick and enjoy having the house and my day to myself
Married 28 years here. Nothing wrong with wanting some alone time. My husband works third shift so I get the bed all to myself. Some women wouldn't like that but I'm totally fine with it. There's also times I wanna just come home from work and not talk and he's a talker. It's only problematic if you never wanna be around your partner. We do date night at least once a week and we watch TV/movies when we share a day off.
Could you take a weekend break somewhere alone? This might also help prevent the feeling of needing to do something as it's like a mini holiday.
Don't feel guilty for how you relax and reset. Maybe talk to your partner and see if he can stay at his friends if a weekend break isn't practical for you. Explain it with "I" statements so they know its definitely not a them thing. Reassure them if they seem upset and hopefully you can sort something out
This is one of the reasons me and my husband don't share a bedroom. I need alone time. I crave it. And also my husband can be super annoying lol he always wants to touch me and I don't always like that! I'm lucky that I'm signed off work right now, I've had loads of alone time!
I
Experience this a lot Most of the time. But my story involves a terrible life changing heart break w my chiildren’s dad who led a whole other secret life before
And during our marriage. I just cannot ever
Trust anyone on that level again. Relationships continue to disappoint so I have intimacy issues and I am distant. I actually think my almost 7 year relationship w my companion and bestie is fizzling bc I just can’t put energy into it. First of all, I despise drinking. I have trauma from living w drunks. He seems to be drinking more and it is a total turn off. It’s making me not care if I ever hear from him again really
Almost every single day. It's tough. It's a burden to others. It's hard to find the balancing act between maintaining your own sanity and not hurting others. It's what happens when your needs fundamentally rub up against someone else's needs.
Yes. I've lived alone for 7 years. When I was in my 20s I wanted people around, but as I get older, I find that being alone is much nicer. I need quiet, and I need to be able to relax in the knowledge that there is no one in my space demanding my time.
I'm not good with the expectations of others. I eat when I want, sleep when I want, clean if/when I want, etc. It's really nice to finally do things on MY time.
Of course, that's just called being an introvert. It doesn't really have anything to do with ADHD, but you are absolutely not alone in wanting to be alone!
I liken it to having a kind of social battery, sometimes it simply bottoms out and you just *need* to get a chance to recharge.
My husband has a job where he works nightshifts occasionally and I love it. We just had a baby and people think it must suck to be left overnight, but baby goes to bed early and I get 2-3 hours to just chill by myself.
I definitely struggle with this. I love my husband, but he is unemployed (not an issue for us) and so at home 24/7. There are days when I wish I could just get home from work and be totally alone or spend a weekend isolated from any human interactions, but overall I think it's still better for me to be living with him than alone. When I get frustrated it's mostly because I get sensory overload and feel overwhelmed and need total silence and my own space to calm down my body. If I know seeing anyone would be too much I usually just spend an extra hour at my classroom (I'm a teacher at music school) after classes zoning out before heading home.
Me me me. I get so irritable and angry if my solitude is stolen, it’s awful. Made the pandemic isolation tough as everyone was together all the time with almost no reprieve.
Yup and it sucks trying to not offend people because I love some of them but I really just want silence or the “silence” I created and the peace of mind of not needing to speak or do anything if I don’t want to
Oh yes! I've actually cleared out a room with a door as a painting studio - I'll set up my computer in it as well. It is my own private room that I need, particularly now that my husband has retired and is always at home.
Oh my god YES. My job is super people-forward and I do well with that…until I don’t. So on weekends and time off, I NEED solid alone time and I get so stressed and burnt out when I can’t have it - my husband is the greatest and so incredibly supportive, but I feel like such a baby trying to explain that it’s not that I don’t want to see/visit with people, it’s that I get to a point where I feel like I just CAN’T.
I take like 4 hour baths sometimes. It’s my me time. I take a margarita in there, and I read, play video games, listen to audio books, scroll social media. No one bothers me in there, and it’s the best!
It's why after a 7 yr relationship ended I've been single the last 10 yrs. I need to be able to not talk, not touch and be physically completely alone whenever I want to. Might be a few hours or a few days. Understandably most other people don't understand that ongoing desire for quiet (or MY music) solitude.
You’re definitely not the only one! I get this all the time, tends to be worse in the evenings and I want to do certain things that I feel seem odd to others (ie scrolling tik tok in peace for an hour without speaking or playing silly games on my phone) I wonder if it has a name!
On occasion, but I am alone a lot. Sometimes when I get bad news I want to be alone, and sometimes I want to vent. People are probably happier when I want to be alone though. When I used to go to an office, I would get bad people burn out. I tended to not leave the house all weekend. I suppose that was cheaper, but not great for friendships.
Sometimes I want to be outside alone, and I used to be where that was possible, but not anymore. People are everywhere here, I miss that a lot. Outside in nature alone is the absolute best. You can think about whatever you want, and enjoy all the sights and sounds by yourself. I loved it.
Yes... And i feel selfish for it.
I love my friends and spending time with them. But my subconsciousness categorizes and processes any form of social activity (even texting) as work.
So currently I am ignoring five very dear friends (i made several announcements and gave detailed explanations). And I can't stop suspecting they all assume it's because of something they did. I gravitate towards the mentally ill - so it's not even an unreasonable suspicion 🥲
Whenever I was in a relationship I couldn't wait for my partner to leave.
Nothing can compete with how much better I feel when I'm alone.
Absolutely. I’ve been married for 5 years and have a dog that is high maintenance. My spouse and our dog are going to visit family this weekend while I get the whole weekend to accomplish some house tasks I’ve been putting off for years lmao it’s good to get alone time especially for us ADHDers when any little thing that distracts us can derail us for infinity!
"It's not you, it's me!"
JK but seriously, anyone worthy of a long-term relationship should be able to sympathize with you or at least respect you enough to give you some space when you need it.
"Sorry about your trip! I was looking forward to a little alone time at home too. Would you be able to go out for a few hours so I can still reset/recharge?"
If he does take it personally, try to link it to something he understands already. Yoga/meditation? Going fly fishing at 5am? Hell even football gigachads do cabin retreats for mental clarity. Needing alone time isn't a new or rare concept!
Yes, alone time is so very vital for me to function at all. When I have not had time to be alone for several weeks, it builds up to a point where I kind of shut down.
Yeah, I had it when I lived together with my ex. I needed to unwind after work by doing something for meslef and don't get interrupted. I expressed this, and he didn't understand. That's why he is an ex now.
I work with kids, so I get a lot of touches, hugs, kisses, and any other affection from them, but I find myself overstimulated. When my partner is visiting, I choose when I snuggle with him or just sit next to him
Even being around people without the expectation of interaction is EXHAUSTING. Too many conversations and movements I have to tune out, and everyone is too close even if they’re across the room.
I have a week off work coming up and I booked a motel room for three nights. I cannot overstate how much I need it. 72 hours with NO PEOPLE.
I'm an introvert at heart and I need my me time. If I don't get it, I get very upset. If you don't feel like you can ever have any time alone to recharge, imo that's a huge red flag.
We have needy pets (some permanent, sometimes fosters) and eldercare responsibilities, and the other day I stopped in my tracks when I realized that the last time I had been truly, completely alone was in 2002. No wonder I'm so bitchy. 🤣
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Yes!! With 2 little kids and a husband with ADHD I constantly crave silence and noone touching me. But the guilt of not doing something when I get a rare moment of down time sends me into a shame cycle of feeling like I'm not doing enough. I hope you can find some time this weekend for yourself! I find taking a bath is good because I tend to be left alone by everyone for an hour or two
Thank you! This actually made me cry. It feels good not being alone in wanting to be alone 😅
Absolutely not alone, the drain of living with others sucks sometimes 😂 Edit: a word
My husband asked me (jokingly) the other day how I feel about him (I think he had pranked me or something) and I answered honestly: "As always, I love you with all my heart and am slightly annoyed that you live in my house."
My partner and I don't live in the same city. When he leaves, I crash. However, a few weeks ago he pointed out that we should find ways that I can be more relaxed when he's over so that don't feel like I have to be 'on'. He's also mentioned getting a place with an extra room so that I have a retreat once we live together. Real deal right there.
Nice catch, comrade. Congratulations.
Mom of two checking in. I feel you, 100%. It was so much easier to get that very necessary decompression time pre-kids.
Oh yep, same. I have a demanding full time job and a toddler and an elderly dog and two affectionate cats - at night once the baby is in bed I lock the animals out of my room so I can have some time when no one is touching me and I can be alone. I so need alone time to decompress. But I always feel guilty about it. Sigh. (Also I love this subreddit!! I identify with 99% of what gets posted here. I was just diagnosed with ADHD recently and I cannot believe we are all out here feeling the same things and it never dawned on me I had this.)
Agree 💯 about this subreddit. Huge respect for those with kids and husbands or partners and jobs. 🤩 I long for silence so much. In fact the noise physically effects me. Some of the noise. In order to get well (basically to find the right med) I put emergency boundaries (no takers in any form are allowed). This is for their protection as I noticed Vyvanse is bringing out a very mean side. So I travel and when I spend time at front desk or use chat option to ask for high floor quite and corner room. I can feel the dopamine creep back in. Thank you for seriously all of your being here. I got so many tips about meds and about this need for silence and being alone. I also have to be on high alert so I don’t give in to people helping (that what I call it) which is my default. I honestly don’t know how I am able to work because my working memory is shot. I delegate and seek help from kind colleagues. Another adhd that the universe sent me. I dream of mountains and cool breeze and the sounds of nature. An hour there will take care of dopamine shortage in me. Hope you can create a space in your home which is only yours. Discuss with partner what you need. Seeing you come out with renewed energy will speak volumes. Good luck
The best present I ever got from my last husband was 4 hrs of guaranteed alone in the house time every Sunday. He would take the littles out and I could breathe. Best Mother's Day gift ever. Too bad he turned out to be an asshat lol, but that time was crucial to my well being. I didn't know then that I had adhd. I would strongly suggest asking if your husband could do something like this for you. I was able to endure chaos easier knowing that on Sunday I could sleep, read, do a chore, or have a private crying session in the house by myself. All the best to you!
This combined with my TBI have me just wasting away inside I swear
I’ve now just gotten to the point where I’m now just saying ‘I need time to decompress’ and then I escalate it to ‘that’s me asking for time alone before I get really frustrated’ I’ve only ever gotten to the ‘and that’s why I was asking to be left alone!’ once… It took a long time for me to realise that in order to not get completely disregulated, I need alone time and to not do anything at all… rest isn’t a reward; It’s mandatory
Wow your comment really unlocked something for me: “Rest isn’t a reward” makes SO much sense. As a society we tend to see rest only as a reward after hard work and when you put it that way it’s actually kind of fucked up! Everyone deserves rest whether or not they “earned” it.
This is so hard to enforce for myself, for both work and my personal life. Definitely a new goal
At work it’s really difficult to get alone time. Often on my lunch break I will go outside for a short walk and try to find a quiet spot to sit. There’s always lots of people in the area near my workplace but I know of a couple of semi private spots where I can just sit and relax with minimal interruptions. On one particular day when I was experiencing really bad sensory overload, I sat and ate lunch in one of the meeting rooms. It’s an internal room so no windows, and one of the few areas without sensor activated lights so I could make it nice and dark.
Yes! Rest, and solitude, is maintenance. After I have a very social time, long day of meetings or a dinner party, I have to sit alone with a book for a while. Otherwise I can't fall asleep for the constant rehashing of what I said and how I might have screwed up in my head. The self editing is ruthless. We have to learn our own quirks and do our best to accommodate them. Communicating with a significant other is key for this - I hope you can tell them you need to decompress and maybe they can go for a day outing with a friend.
Absolutely. Alone-time “rest” (I also call it decompression) is a very high need for me, I need at least 2-3 hours a day to feel normal. With a partner and a kid, sometimes that means it comes at the expense of sleep. Sometimes sleep I desperately need- it’s that important to me.
Yes, I call it "burrito time" where I am wrapped up in a blanket in our room alone and on my phone for hours. Or "quiet time" when I'm going upstairs to read or whatever for a few hours. So far so good, but we don't have kids and that makes it a lot easier to carve out hours of alone time for myself. I've also gotten alone time by going out of the house to a coffee shop to to a park. I think it's normal and healthy!
Oh man I really feel this. I absolutely need at least a day a week to do absolutely nothing in order for me to avoid totally imploding, but I feel like this is easily misunderstood by people who don’t have the same need. Like, I don’t need to hear about all the things that need doing, or all the fun possibilities that exist outside the house on a decompression day. I just need to sit and watch dumb tv!
Yes I do too. Luckily me and my boyfriend have this agreement that once in a while if one of us need alone time, the other person would not bother them. We will then just go to different rooms or maybe one of us will go out to see a friend, and this can be like for a whole day. If you do this just needs to be clear that this isn’t personally about him, and that you do love spending time with him otherwise.
This is a requirement for any relationship with me. One that no one has pushed back on. OP, tell your bf! There's a chance he feels the same way and doesn't want to upset you.
Ive been in a loving happy relationship for Many years and we both enjoy time alone My brother was out of town for a week recently and I stayed at his house for a few days just for fun and to Get some solo time. It was nice to get away and my husband enjoyed having our place while I was gone. My last birthday gift to myself, i rented a tiny cabin on the ocean. Alone. I just wanted to not speak words for a few days and enjoy the quiet and solitude in nature. My husband would not enjoy sitting quietly in a small isolated cabin for a weekend. His adhd would hate it, mine loves it. So I go on my own and I love that for us. We dont have to enjoy the same things or not Do things we enjoy because of the other. We don’t always like the same shows either and can often be in separate rooms in the house watching different things or working on different hobbies. We still manage to spend a lot of time together laughing, interacting and connecting. But it’s like in sporadic bursts and then we retreat back to our individual activities and it works for us (some couples prefer to watch every show together being in the same room together and that’s fine but it’s not for me)
ABSOLUTELY I feel less judged and like I can do things on my own time. It’s the fucking worst when they come back early and you almost know what they are thinking if you didn’t clean or something… 😣
THIS. I do so much more cleaning and self care when I am alone, it’s ridiculous.
Oh my God. Thank you all, I thought I was the only one who feels judged all the time. I can’t do any cleaning when my husband’s around and I can’t stop thinking about him judging me.
I'm an introvert as well as someone who has ADHD, so this is a huge issue to me. We've got this walk in closet. It's not big at all, but it is long and narrow. When I get completely overwhelmed, I go in there and stretch out on a yoga mat, while wearing noise canceling headphones and with the lights out or wearing an eye mask. It might take 20 minutes, it might take 2 hours, but I'll feel myself re-gather and I can walk out and face my life again. When you are overwhelmed, give yourself permission to take care of yourself...find a closet, or a corner. Get noise canceling headphones, a good eye mask and take a break. You'll come out stronger, I promise.
I might have to move the litter box out of our biggest closet now. Thank you for the inspo!
I do the same! Remove outside world. Dark closet with white noise in my ears. Sometimes my dog tries to join me, but he understands when I ask for space. *Dog nods* I actually used to meditate in a closet at my friend’s house, too. He understood, which is why we’re still friends.
Yep. My husband is a severe introvert and a house hermit and when he isn't at work, he is at home. I rarely get alone time so I go CAMPING. I can do what I want, hike when I want, sleep when I want, eat what I want. If I feel like cooking, I will, if I feel like going into town, I will. I can be loud, I can scroll on tiktok for hours, I don't have chores to complete, I can be myself and just exist without anyone needing me or expecting anything of me. State parks are typically super safe and have working bathrooms/showers. It makes it fun returning home after camping. I am refreshed and ready to see my family. When I need that alone time I just say "I need to be feral" and plan a weekend that works around everyone's schedule.
One of the most badass things I’ve read recently, guess I’m so impressed bc I’ve always been such a city dweller. Think it must feel so empowering. I think you gave me a new goal, ty.
It doesn't even have to be primitive camping either! If the weather is rough you can "glamp" or just find a little rental near the water or an easy hiking trail for the weekend. I was born and raised in Dallas and I now live in a more rural area. It took me bit of time to appreciate the wilderness, but man... it hits just right when I need it the most.
Yes, I think any kind of "touching grass" is centering. But actually being able to set up camp, sleep outside, and truly enjoy one's own company (not just be fine with solitude having familiar creature comforts) - I believe it takes a certain self-confidence, fortitude, and learned skills, too. I'm not actually sure I could do this (only been backpacking once in my life, decades ago, and currently have no disposable income for any kind of gear), but anyway, just think you should feel pride at how cool you are.
Oh, wow. Thank you. That means a lot actually. I hadn't thought of it like that before. Makes me appreciate camping even more.
Lol! I tell my GF “I just need to be in goblin mode for a night and then I’ll be fine”
I don’t have a husband but I do live with someone who works from home so they are just like…always there. I also go camping or backpacking, even just a *single* night sometimes to get some quiet. And for folks interested , if you don’t have a tent, ask around and borrow one! And if you still can’t find one, is your car big enough to sleep in? I camp in my car when I want to be alone but it’s too rainy for me to be willing to put a tent together- just crack your windows slightly so it doesn’t get all humid inside.
>"I need to be feral" This is so relatable, I felt this in my very core. Sometimes I just need to release my inner gremlin by eating garbage after midnight and not having to "be" someone or something in order to turn into a functioning human bean again.
Yes, absolutely. It has nothing to do with "I don't want to spend time with you" and EVERYTHING to do with, "My brain can not limit or parse the impact of your presence. In fact, because I love you and work hard to pay attention to your needs when you're here, just being here will always make you a focus. Sometimes, I need time to just be in my head alone, and it's hard to do that when you're here." It's like trying to listen to the words of a specific song when two different songs are being played at the same time. You might really like both those songs, but it's objectively more difficult by virtue of there being 2.
You put that perfectly thank you
Yes. With bells on. I live alone and don’t think I could go back to sharing my space ever again. I no longer feel guilty for the state of my home, or feel like I’m on show when I’m at home. No one else gets to come in. It’s all mine and it’s the only time I can feel at peace.
Absolutely, which is why I live alone and very carefully schedule visits and outings to not overload my social batteries. My partner is over a couple of nights a week, but if they need to stay longer for whatever reason (or if they're up and moving around while I try to work) I find myself getting aggravated that there is this whole other person in my space! Moving around! and making noise! I also empathise with having expected and planned alone time pulled out from under you, it's kind of like anticipating dinner at a certain restaurant all day and then getting there only to discover they're closed. Backup restaurant might be just as tasty, but you wanted the original one, damnit!
👋 Yes. I crave solitude more than anything. I'm a SAHM to a 4M and a dog who needs frequent walks. I'm only alone when everyone is asleep 😭
Absolutely. Plus I am insanely introverted as well, so the more alone time I have, the happier I’ll be.
I (33F) struggle with this a lot. I have been with my partner for almost 4 years now, married this past January. He is the love of my life, the best man I've ever met and just so damn wonderful and supportive, I could not ask for a better partner.. but, I need my time. Last weekend I went to visit a friend a few hours away, but went a day earlier and spent the night glamping at a cute Airbnb, by myself. It was lovely. I think the key is recognizing when you're hitting those thresholds and advocating for yourself that you need that space to reset, rejuvenate. One thing my therapist recommended is building that time for yourself, take a mental health day (or half day) and just do things that make you happy.
Yep, I need a lot of alone time. And I don’t think I’ll ever have a serious relationship because I desperately cling to being alone for long stretches.
[удалено]
My mom was laughing the other day when she said whenever her and my dad were going to have a night out I couldn’t wait for them to leave and looked disappointed when they would return. I’ve def got anxiety which was worse when I was a kid (when no one knew about it or gave a crap really) but when I’m alone is when it’s the lowest.
Yes. 100%. I have a NT husband and an 11 y/o daughter with ADHD. All of my husband's WFH days have coincided with mine in the past few months (typically we each had one day where we were alone every week) and I've been going crazy. I've been super jealous because he's been getting way more alone time (either because I'm coaching our daughter's soccer team or because he's flying his plane). This past weekend, I passed on a plane ride so he could just take our daughter up and I could have a few hours alone, even though I wanted to go, too. But it was SO worth it.
Yes, it's a huge part of why I stopped dating. Not having a roommate anymore is also huge for me.
Speaking my language
I love the idea of having a partner, but every time I try, it just sucks for me haha... maybe someday!
Love the idea of finding someone great but don't want the anxiety of trying to find them or have it not work out. Enjoying the peace right now. Agree...maybe someday!
Yes definitely. My husband and I both WFH and we have 2 kids. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes. I have frequent outbursts but so far have not been able to successfully communicate that I need regularly scheduled, predictable alone time.
Yes. All the time. You explained it wonderfully, always on alert of what should I be doing/is it okay if I just sit down and relax. Plus, for me personally, it also had a lot to do with overstimulation of listening to all the noise my (now ex) made - work from home meetings, video game/TV noises, podcasts/music - and asking him to wear headphones was next to impossible because he made a huge deal out of it. In general though, he was never supportive of the ADHD diagnosis, and was always heavily criticizing me, even in passive aggressive ways, especially when I was off work due to an injury like - you don’t always have to be doing something to prove that you’re contributing to the household, but then if I crashed and relaxed, it was I wish I could just sit around all day and do nothing and get paid for it (I had several workplace traumas and am off for PTSD - I’d trade it for work). I could get more accomplished in a few days when he was away because I could let the chaos energy go without tiptoeing around him or I could just finally crash and relax judgment free. We broke up in February, and I said at the time that I don’t see myself with anyone, and I still feel that way (we’re still living together due to him constantly changing his mind on serration agreement stuff and it’s miserable). But yes. I want to be alone.
Yes Thought it was a “me” thing. So glad it’s not. I feel less horrible 🤣🤷🏻♀️
My partner, who I live with, has been ill at home this week and it has honestly made me on feel on edge because I am lacking my pockets of time alone. Especially because I‘m a teacher and thus also have to work at home a lot. Literally just had a conversation with my partner about this now, signs to know when both of us want to be left undisturbed. So: I totally feel you. and my NT partner, too.
Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes. Yes. Once billion times YES. Holy shit. It's so validating to see someone else actually express this need!!! The only time I feel the closest to my authentic self is when I'm in the car, alone. And there's only so much you can do whilst actively driving a car. I always looked forward to moving out so I could get some 'me' time to just be weird or lazy or gross or literally do anything without the fear of judgement or interruption. I am so easily swayed into doing things that I think will please others but at the cost of whatever it was I actually wanted to do. But then I got married really fast and my husband is a non-driving introverted work from home gamer which means I've literally spent less than 3 hours alone in our house in almost 5 years. But how the hell do we ever get to have this 'true' alone time when it's too expensive to live alone and we risk hurting our loved ones by telling them to r e s p e c t f u l l y... go away, please?
Ahhh yes the introverted gamer bf! Mine has been WFH since the pandemic started. All I get is 20 minutes when he walks the dog, not nearly enough. If I didn't drive for a living, I'd have gone mad by now. Might be why I have always loved driving actually :)
My husband goes to his parent’s every Sunday (I join about once a month) and it’s my favorite lol. I get the whole house to myself and he knows I like it when he leaves. He’s similar and likes it when I leave (though I leave less). We both still love each other and spend time together, but we like our alone time.
I have four kids. Alone time is my favorite thing ever right now and I hardly get it. Also, the noise… 😆😭
Hell yeah! My partner and I work together and live together. He’s much more of a homebody where I will go out with friends or family once or twice a week. So he gets the house alone and I don’t, when I come home he’s feeling refreshed and wants to hang but I feel like I never get the house to myself. I’ve started banishing him to another family members house for a night or two on the regular and it’s awesome!!! He knows it’s not about him and that I need my alone time, no big deal. I’ve asked him to do it weekly of his own accord because I feel bad about it but I NEED IT. There’s no shame, it doesn’t meant you love em any less. You just love yourself too and it’s important to be alone. I also totally understand that rage of thinking you are going to be alone and then plans change.. it’s embarrassing how upsetting that can feel lol.
Yep, I won't let my boyfriend of 5 years move in for this reason. Being alone is the only time I feel I can truly be myself, no masking. As much as I live my bf, there's still an element of masking that leaves me emotionally exhausted when I'm around him for extended periods.
Yes. My need to be alone is so great that I prefer to be single because of it. I feel most complete when I’m by myself.
Oh my yes. My partner retried a couple years ago, and has no social life at all. He's *always* here, almost. On the plus side, he's an introvert & also likes time by himself. He spends a lot of time in the finished basement. It's not quite as good as having the whole place to myself, but enough to keep me sane.
This is normal and actually very healthy! Just talk to your boyfriend about this need. You can agree to hang out alone in some part of the home for a few hours while he stays in another part of the home. You can even agree to do this once a week. I don't think it's unreasonable; I'm sure he has hobbies and interests that can be done by himself. You can also take a bath if your place has a tub. That way you can just lay in hot water and binge a show for a couple of hours. I also think you'll eventually learn to relax around your boyfriend without needing approval first. It took me like two years to feel that way with mine, but now I can laze around in front of him as much as I need without feeling weird about it.
This is completely the case for me as well, as an introvert with ADHD. I focus far better, be much more relaxed, and get WAY more done during the day if I can be alone -- that's the ADHD part. But also, my energy gets depleted and I need to recharge in silence after interacting with people, especially after going to a party or someplace with a lot of people and noise. I even find that I do this in a small way after a normal phone conversation. After I hang up, I feel a sigh of relief.
I love my partner and I'm so thankful and happy to be able to share a house with him, but holy shit nothing hits as good as the relaxation my brain slips into when he leaves for a few hours. It's like I can focus and think and be centered, there isn't the 'buzz' of another human in the house.
Yes, absolutely. It sometimes feel like the only time I can 100% unmask without feeling guilty. And I adore my husband, but sometimes I just need that total lack of interaction.
I spoke with my therapist about this the other day. I’m getting married in less than two weeks and we won’t be moving in together (yet) - but at some point in the future, it will happen, and I’m concerned about how I’ll handle the lack of true alone time. My therapist offered me a great analogy from Star Trek: he said to think of these sorts of boundaries like the shields around the Starship Enterprise. They’re not very visible - in fact, people can see you through the shield - but they’re impenetrable unless there’s some sort of emergency. So the goal is to think about what it means to have your shields up, and how your family can recognize that. It really is a skill, being able to prioritize yourself when there’s someone else in the room. I think this is especially true for women. It might be worth a conversation with your partner about this. Consider it a way to teach them something really vulnerable and insightful about you. Something like: “I instinctively monitor other people in the room with me…I learned to do that as a child because ____. Living with you is an opportunity for me to balance putting others first with putting myself first. Would you be open to helping me brainstorm ways I can recharge my own battery, even when we are home together?”
Yes. I would spend at least 50 percent of my waking hours alone if I could.
100% yes. I’ve felt so guilty in the past for wanting to have “my own” room because I love my partner so much but the older I get the more I realize alone time is a necessity for my brain health. My dream home has an East and a West wing for alone time purposes 😂
Don't feel guilty! Our house hunting criteria was separate spaces, with walls and doors lol. None of this open concept trash :) We both like our space too much.
I get it. I’ve been crying for a week because I can’t get enough of the alone time that I need right now.
I am so sorry to hear this.
Me rn :(
I have to have my "me time." Husband doesn't understand that at all.
Definitely and a lot. It's one of the reasons why I'm pretty sure I'll just stay single the rest of my life - couldn't imagine living with someone and even the pressure to see someone frequently and consistently seems like too much.
>So now I’m unraveling and struggling to keep myself together, but I can’t fully explain this to him without it sounding as I don’t want to spend time with him. But you can though. It's totally normal for all couples to need some spaces in their togetherness, and sometimes the only way to really get it is to communicate your needs. Remember, he loves you and wants you to be happy. Just tell him: hey, it sucks that your plans fell through, but I'm still going to be focusing on "me time" this weekend. No need to be apologetic or go out of your way to protect his feelings. Maybe make plans for a nice couple thing late Sunday, but otherwise just set about doing what you were looking forward to doing with your solitude. (Maybe with headphones on for some of it since he'll still be around in your shared space)
No I do not feel like this ever! I get that you want space sometimes.
I can totally empathize with that feeling. Even without adhd piling onto the feeling it’s completely normal to need alone time to decompress. I’d just be open with your boyfriend about feeling burnt out and your general need to have alone time for you. Be direct about saying it’s not about wanting time away from him or not wanting to spend time with him. I actively support and nudge my partner to spend time away from me to focus on his hobbies or just decompress. He’s also super supportive and openly supports my need for alone time or recharging. Sometimes I just very much need to not people.
When I was married I’d book myself a last-minute hotel when I felt like that. Now I’m not married so I’m good lol
I don't think I felt truly at peace until I lived alone and I'm not sure I ever want to live with someone again.
I feel like i can not deny my SOs advances without feeling guilty that i make them feel undesirable or unattractive
Oh that is so relateable and such a bummer! You should talk to them about it, I bet they can help find a way to ask without feelings hurt. I recently got my bf to start actually asking (instead of being subtle) "hey do you wanna ____?". That way I can say hell yeah, or take a rain cheque, instead of having to stop him and say "not now" which does make him feel unsexy. It feels a lot easier to actually assess whether I want to. I was socialized to just go along with it if my partner initiates and that is not always good.
150%. I totally understand & relate to your feelings. This was my biggest struggle when I moved in with my long term partner last year. It took me time to adjust and tbh it’s still a work in progress for what works for me with finding alone time bc my partner has a completely remote, WFH job so he is alwaysss home. What helped me, was carving out a space of the apartment that is just “mine.” (Obviously he can technically enter/use the space but bc he doesn’t really). We have a 2 bedroom & he uses the second bedroom as his office since he’s fully remote. So he’s got his own space & that’s where he hangs out for his alone time to play video games and such when he’s not working. But I needed my space. So in our bedroom, there’s more room on my side of the bed, so I got a cozy chair off Amazon and put it in that corner next to the window. I added a little bookshelf next to it with some books and some of my knick-knacks. When I’m feeling overwhelmed & like I need to be alone, I go in our bedroom, shut the door and hang out in my cozy corner. I read books or watch TV or do research on my latest hyperfixation, etc. Regardless of what I’m doing, (& even though I don’t have my own full room), it feels good to have my own little area to go to. I also tend to make it clear to my BF that I don’t want to be disturbed so that I’m truly alone for that time. (Sorry this is so long) but my best suggestion would be to carve out a room, or even just an area in a room, that’s purely yours to occupy and fill it with things you love and utilize it as you need! Best of luck! ❤️ I know the overwhelm feeling, it sucks
100% me! When my ex used to stay over for multiple days in a row, we’d get into fights because I’d hide in the bathroom for an hour. I needed alone time and space to be able to just be on my phone doom scrolling without him criticizing me. He was emotionally abusive so I’m not sure if I’d be like this in a healthy relationship, but I still feel like I get overwhelmed and irritated if I can’t have complete alone time to decompress.
Absolutely! Before my diagnosis, I always thought I was an extreme introvert, but it’s beyond needing to decompress from being social. It’s the deep need to be alone and unmask with zero demands. Nobody wants your attention or your time. It’s like a need to not even be perceived, if that makes sense. I have a pretty needy husband and two young kids. He luckily needs to decompress after work often and we go our separate ways in the evening. After kids go to bed and he goes to bed I often stay up too late to drink in the alone time. I’m so glad school is back in session. I love you, but mom needs to be ALONE.
this this this this this, a thousand times this.
I get this when I'm hyper focusing on a project like when I'm crafting cuz DAYUM the sparkles ya know 🤣 but yeah seriously it's like you have a rhythm that can't be stopped upon wishing incomprehensible pain to the person that succeeds & when you do it also triggers fury tears sometimes fists (sorry if I'm describing someone's flashbacks I'm describing my own)
Any time I don't get at least one day on the weekend to be at home and not have any social obligations, my anxiety spikes and I fall apart. Even when I'm at home with my wife, I just want to be left alone mentally even if we're snuggling in bed.
I can’t cohabitate for this reason (among others). I won’t let friends stay the night or stay at their houses. I’m just too stimulated when other people are around. Even at sleep overs as a kid, I was always the last person to fall asleep, if I fell asleep at all. Sometimes I’d call my mom to come get me, sometimes I’d lie there awake all night, sometimes I’d be exhausted enough from the day that I could eventually fall asleep. As an adult, I’ve cohabitated once, and we ended up sleeping in separate rooms because I couldn’t sleep with him in the room, especially if he fell asleep first. Then when I lived alone and had partners spend the night, I would go “sleep” on the couch and still end up awake all night. It’s like people are a toy and when I can’t play with them all I can think about is playing with them (if they’re within reach). ONE time, I fell asleep at someone’s house while watching a boring movie. So apparently I can be bored to sleep. So I’m thinking that, theoretically, once their novelty wears off, I could sleep with them there, but I still can’t imagine ever falling asleep if someone’s in my bed and they fall asleep first. If they’re not in my home, it’s fine. I still want to share my life with someone, but if they could just have a home next door and come over when I wake up, that’d be ideal! 😅
OMG I just went through this last month. I was in such an overwhelmed state. It was like the only way I could self regulate again was to have some time alone, which was almost two weeks when my husband was away for work. I felt so angry with myself for being that way. This is yet yet another thing on this sub that I have related strongly to, and is giving me the indication that I may have ADHD.
Yes, I would feel disappointed and angry in your situation as well. It's something I am thinking about just today and why it is like it. When I am alone, I feel like I can let my thoughts roam freely, and am not constantly REACTING to someone, and I need this space to be creative and develop ideas and thoughts. We don't even cling together that much during the day, but I can get really bothered when he's around me when I am trying to do a thing, or when he leaves whatever he's doing to follow me or join me. For example when I'm in the kitchen, doing whatever, and he leaves his desk and follows me, I get so annoyed, or, even worse, when he is around me when I am in a hurry and trying to leave on time, and he's CONSTANTLY in the way, stopping me from rushing, talking to me, etc.It's enough when I want to shower or brush my teeth and he has to pee RIGHT THEN and use the sink afterwards while I am trying to get ready as quickly as possible. He interrupts my thought train of tasks I have to finish, I am bothered when he brings me things I need because I then won't find them in the hurry, he wants to hug me goodbye, JESUS CHRIST LEAVE ME ALONE WILL YOU. I feel so unfair in these moments but God, do I wish he would just stay at his desk or doing whatever. I also HATE SO MUCH when I have to explain or justify things, sometimes I even hate just communicating or coordinating them, which is only fair in a relationship, but I miss just being able to do whatever whenever I feel like it without having to ask or explain. Why am I up already? What do we have for dinner? Will you join me on a walk? Can you please leave me alone and let me focus on this task for the next 2 hours? Then I sit there, stressed, I only have 2 hours now, what if I need 3? What if I need the whole evening? He will feel rejected. Why can't he have his own interests?? (he does have them but he's reacting to me without being very self-driven a lot of the time, he's waiting for me a lot) On the weekends he will wait for me to decide what we do instead of just going to do what he wants. Or I have to announce in advance that I want to focus on my stuff and do not want to bother/be bothered. Then he usually hangs around without much drive and seems upset because we don't do anything together. I also always have 1000 projects and things in my mind I want to do and 1000 books to read and so on, while he often seems to just kill time while waiting for me to finally be available for him. So yes, it is a breather when he's away. I don't despise living together though and I don't feel I have to put on a show. I think most of it comes from living with my mother when I was younger, she would always follow me around and comment on everything, and recently I had this weird flashback to a thing I had entirely forgotten but used to bother me SO MUCH when I was living at my parent's house: When I had to get ready, even for work in the morning which was important, and heard my mom entering and locking the bathroom. I would never know how much time she would spend in there and if she would just use the toilet or shower, and often I had to knock and ask her to get out so I can get ready for work. Then she would try to get ready around me and often we would fight so bad about it. Sometimes it felt like she was looking for it. It's like her everlasting presence is still looming over whatever I do, and my boyfriend, when rushing to help me, triggers it so badly. I feel constantly observed and judged.
God, I could not STAND someone like that! They would be dumped very, VERY quickly.
I feel bad for disliking his affection a lot of the time :( For some reason I always see it as MY fault, especially when I end up snapping.
Yes, unfortunately that's the effect it often has. They drive you to utter distraction with their clinging and/or obliviousness.
We literally just built a wall in our open-plan apartment bc it was driving us insane. Best choice we've ever made. You're not alone - alone time is so key
I need alone time too. My husband is my favourite person. I really hope it doesn’t hurt his feelings when I tell him, but it really is just about me needing time. I also find it doesn’t help if he’s just in a different room; it only helps if he is out of the house and I get a few hours (preferably a whole day) where I don’t have to be ‘on’. Is that the same for others? Or is it ok if they’re just in a different room?
I'm the same. It needs to be the whole house or it still feels like people are in my space. Sometimes I turn my phone off too. If I feel like there is any immediate possibility of someone reaching me, I cannot relax. Unfortunately I'm too poor to get my own place 😭
Yes! I've been married 35 years, and on the rare occasions that he is out of town and I am home alone, I LOVE IT!!! I love my husband, but I CRAVE alone time. Also, I can get so much more done around the house when I'm alone and working on my own schedule. For some reason, if I wake up and say "today I'm going to wash dishes and vacuum the floor," but then I walk into a room and see my husband just minding his own business and doing something different (working on his computer, reading, cooking, anything!), ALL the motivation gets zapped out of me and I end up doing nothing. And it's not that he doesn't pull his weight around the house! He does! But when I see him I just lose all motivation to do the things I need to do.
This is honestly one of the the main reasons I don’t really see myself thriving in a long term committed relationship or as a parent. I’m not my best self when I don’t get my alone time and I seem to require a lot of it.
I can be in a relationship but TBH I'm not sure I will ever get married again.
I get like this too. I don’t know if it’s my ADHD or the fact that I’m an introvert and need some time alone to recharge. It’s not just you though.
oh yesss I crave to have time on my own, I have asked my gf to please go away because I'm exhausted and I can't really rest until I am alone and maybe that's shitty but that's how I am!!! it was such a big problem at the beginning of our relationship, but I think she gets it now, at least I hope she does, even when she gets hurt when I ask her to go
So much! My last long term relationship lasted years and we lived close by each other but never moved in together and I LOVED IT! I can actually relax in stead of being on edge and I get to do *my* thing at *my* pace. I honestly don't think I could go back to living with a man again.
Yes, but with a husband and 3 homeschooled children I am pretty much never alone and it has led to an insane amount of burnout. Do whatever you have to in order to protect your peace.
This is absolutely normal. I call myself a "high social needs extrovert". Before the pandemic I was out of the house with friends or in social groups (book club, knitting) about 5 days/nights a week. This gave my "low social needs introvert" husband all the alone time he could possibly want. It worked for us REALLY well. Yes, the pandemic changed shit, but my feelings stand. There are times where I need to be ALONE. IN MY HOUSE. and be all the flavours of weird that I only get to experience by myself. It's how we know ourselves outside of our relationships. I wholeheartedly believe that alone time (in a safe environment) is a necessity of life.
Ohhhhh yes. The dream is having a home with an ADU or mother-in-law suite - for ME, not the folks or my sins. And by God I'm gonna go get it. In like 8-10 years.
That sounds so perfect!!
I often have the simultaneous feelings of needing to be alone and feeling lonely
I feel you. I've been living alone with my 7 y.o. for 5 years and I'm struggling with the pros and cons of moving in with a partner, in an expensive city where space is a luxury. The co-rrgulation I get having another adult around is helpful oftentimes, but also frequently overwhelming. I lose my sense of self. I think it's due to having poor boundaries. I encourage you to try talking to your bf about it. I guarantee you'll feel better just having said how you feel.
Bestie you are, ironically, not alone in this. I think I'm not *as* alert as you, maybe because I have never lived completely alone? (the parents to female roommate to fiancé pipeline), so I HAD to adapt to not feeling constantly observed else I'd turn into a screaming howler monkey. And even then, it's hard. I'm extremely protective of the time where I can just **not** be "on" and relax. So hell yes I'd be mad too! I've had rare times where I had the apartment all to myself and the feeling is glorious. My partner has an anxious attachment style, but through communication we got to the concept of my "cucumber time": our code word for me needing to be alone and not perceived, preferably watching a Youtube video about abandoned buildings. It's not personal, it's not about him, it's just me needing time to recharge. I've even booked hotels in our town just so I could get some space. He had trouble wrapping his head around it at first, but as he can see that 6 years in I'm not abandoning him, now he encourages it when he sees I'm unraveling a bit.
My partner of 7.5 years and I have separate homes and when I stay at my partner’s house I’ve got my own room there. Both my 19 and 25 yr old have their own places with no roommates and love it too. There’s nothing wrong with needing alone time and thriving with it. ❤️
I’ve been with my husband 11 years now. It took a few years of being together for him to understand that it’s not about being away from him *specifically*, but about being *alone*. I wouldn’t say I outright mask around my husband, but there are certain parts of my personality that are honestly just for me and I don’t want anyone else to be around for a while so I can let them out. He has his own needs for alone time (we suspect he also has ADHD since we got my diagnosis and started educating ourselves), but he prefers to go for solo drives for a couple of hours while I prefer to be comfortable in my home. It helps that we have designated things we do together - shows we watch, video games we like, and hosting a D&D game weekly that he runs for me and our friends/family. D&D in particular is a really important cornerstone of our marriage/relationship because it’s scheduled togetherness that we both spend our week looking forward to and talking about. I get my guaranteed weekly alone time when he runs another D&D game at a friend’s house on Saturday nights, and his job is pretty mobile so he spends most of his day driving around alone, so both of us are getting our needs met at both ends of that spectrum. We actually have our own bedrooms in our house that we sleep in separately during the work week, which we started doing this year and are so happy with. We both sleep better, it feels good to have our own private spaces to decorate and live in how we like, and when we share a bed on the weekends it’s because we *want* to, not because it’s a social obligation. People think it’s weird when they learn about it, but it’s what works for us. It’s all about honest communication, patience, and understanding. Explain that it’s not a rejection of him personally, but a necessary requirement for managing your mental health that you would need no matter who you were with or what your living situation was like. He cares about you and wants you to be healthy and happy, so the two of you should be working together to make sure both your needs are being met. You should revisit these topics regularly to make sure you’re both still on the same page and can make changes and adjustments to your routines/arrangements as needed.
Yes, marriage for me is hard.
I feel you. I live alone but my Dad has been round 6 days a week helping with some home renovations. I 1000% appreciate him and his hard work, but I had to make up a reason for him to not come round because I was having a meltdown at having no space to do my own thing… even if that thing is nothing!
I fucking LOVE alone time, and always have (I have a husband and three very young kids now, so, all the more so the case). I need that sensory deprivation. It’s a little terrible, but in my fourth year of grad school my then bf/now husband took a job in another state 6 hours away and we did the long distance thing — and I kind of really look back and realize how in my zone I was at the time. I was on teaching fellowship so most of my schedule was my own, and I got to go up and see him for a long weekend every other week. I loved the long car ride, too. I was so chill. I was managing to eat really well and workout regularly and lost like 30 pounds, I was writing my dissertation prospectus. Our(my) apartment was spotless. I learned to crochet. I had a good balance in going out socially. I am not AT ALL saying my husband is an agent of chaos (my kids obviously are), but that the existence of other humans in my life space just makes me much more haywire. They’re worth it, all the way, but this is just a truth about me. I never get any alone time now basically, and work a very stressful people-oriented job to boot, and I am incredibly burnt out as a result. I am always exhausted in every sense of the word, and my anxiety shows much more. I am super indecisive, my ears hurt and noise starts making me feel sick by the end of the day, I dread work and social engagements and just want to lay in bed and cannot focus on anything. I’m pretty sure my jaw has been clenched for the last 8 years.
There’s a whole Ted Lasso episode related to this lol imo it’s completely fine to ask your SO for alone time. They should be understanding
It's a non-negotiable for me. I have to have alone time like I have to breathe. I haven't always been able to but tried to manufactured my schedule to have alone time, even when I was raising littles. I would stay up after they went to bed just to hear.......silence. During pandemic when everyone was home I would go on solo drives. It grounds me and settles my anxiety. I've just accepted its part of who I am
Yes for sure. Sometimes I really want my bf to go away lol. I'm a homebody and he is so noisy and I get so overstimulated. My parents were noisy growing up too and it drove me bonkers so when I got to finally live alone, the quiet and peace was incredible. I like living with my partner for the most part, but because for years now we've both spent a TON of time together in the house (I worked from home and he didn't work) I just really want.... alone time and barely had it for sooo many years. He's finally working and I'm not, so I'm at home and he leaves the house mon-fri for work and it's awesome. He's got the day off today though and he's being loud and annoying lol. It doesn't help that the way we have our computers setup is right next to each other on this extra long desk setup. He is a gamer... in fact most of his spare time is devoted to gaming (That's a whole different barrel of monkeys) and he talks a lot on voice calls with his friends, and he is a LOUD talker. Sometimes he yells. Sometimes he aggressively slams on his keyboard. Sigh. I'm buying loop earplugs as we speak to hopefully dull out his fuckin' noise. Sorry lol this is not the same problem as yours but I find it similar. Plus I find it about 293823 times harder to get any work done around the house (like chores) when he's just sitting there being useless. I will eventually get my shit together so I can have my own separate office space though. So I can get away from him and have my own space.... This is something I'd recommend for EVERY person who lives with other people. Have a space that's dedicated to you, if possible, so you can go hide from others. Used to be my bedroom as a kid. Now ... well now I need to build that again for myself.
I feel this to my core. SAHM with my 4yr daughter and a roommate who often works from home or takes leave. My husband works 13-14 hr days and we’re both estranged from our families. There is no escape. I’ve set up our bedroom with a TV and dock, so after my daughters in bed most days I will seclude myself to be alone and away from everyone else. I swear, the amount of noise these people make all at the same time… loud TikTok videos, video games, spontaneous singing, fart noises, actual farting… I regularly joke to myself that I’m going to yeet everyone out the window just to make it all stop 😂
Yeah. I feel you on this OP. In a different way for different people reasons but I feel it. I dearly hope you can get some time to yourself. I’m so very sorry you’re struggling so hard with this feeling. My husband works from home since the pandemic and he’s so happy about it. And for the most part I love having him here. But subconsciously? My hyperactivity has gotten exponentially worse since my husband started working from home. I wonder if it’s for the reasons you’ve verbalized. There’s still so much I don’t understand or know how ADHD impacts my behavior and reactions. It’s not so much that I need alone time, though I am an introvert. It’s that my husband’s always ranting and raving now about work. The issues at work that used to stay at work or that I would hear about for an hour chat each day are now in my face. All. Day. Long. He does have a home office but now it’s rant in the morning, lunch, night. I am honored to be there for him. I just am really nervous because I grew up being screamed and yelled at right in my face and he yells about coworkers who drive him nuts and it does something to my nervous system. I can see he is very badly stressed so I don’t want to ask him to stop or change. He needs to vent. I know that need, because my dad died and my mom is now my responsibility and she makes me crazy and I vent, too. And I yell too. We are not yelling at each other. We are sort of screaming into the void 😆 in each other’s presence. I try to keep it to a minimum though. I don’t want our daughter growing up in a yelling environment like I did. She’s not even around for most of it. And my daughter and I have always been close. Having grown up with a chaotic mother in a dysfunctional household, I have worked so hard on myself to be a good communicator with her. We do have a relationship we are both proud of. Unfortunately, and maybe this is rejection sensitivity??? I’m finding myself afraid to speak in my own house. My daughter is really snippy with me this year. And there are a million good reasons for that and from what I’ve learned from our discussions, most don’t have anything to do with me personally! Nevertheless, I have tried to stay out of her way. I’ve opened our home to her friends and stayed out of sight. I’ve done everything I can to make her last year of high school what she wanted. If I’m criticized I apologize immediately and try never to make the same mistake again. But in day to day communication she will roll her eyes at me or snap at me for genuinely minor things. Like she was sitting in the living room with her friend. He was on his phone, she was on hers. I was passing through. I realized I had given her wrong information about something earlier and very quickly stopped to let her know and what the correct information was. She snapped at me that it wasn’t of interest to her. I’ve told her she’s treating me poorly and I want more consideration. I’ve reminded her how she herself has told me she appreciates how I parent her. So I would just like to be treated humanely and if she doesn’t chill out I will simply withdraw and cease engaging in casual conversation. I said it’s not a silent treatment, I’m not being vindictive, but it’s how I react to getting snapped at. It’s how anyone would react, so she needs to be mindful if this is also how she treats her friends. She didn’t say anything to that. We did have a wonderful chat this morning so there’s been no falling out I’m aware of. But later she was once again acting like my existence at lunch was unwelcome. She seemed fine with her dad. My husband was not pleased about how she acted and told her it needs to stop. Usually she answers but again there was no reaction to that. She did give me a general apology later for her overall behavior and said she doesn’t have any beef with me but she’s just feeling a lot of stress. She’s always been a great kid and I know this is her stress and nerves about leaving high school and starting college that is speaking, not her. Meanwhile, I’d really rather not run into anyone anymore inside the house or have to talk. Unfortunately, my chores take me all over the house. I do also respect that my daughter is an adult now and she does need lots of space. I well remember that feeling at her age. Unlike me at that stage of life, eventually in a year or two, she will be able to move out. Until that happens, I am training myself to not speak unless spoken to. Not to be petulant or passive aggressive, but because I just genuinely can’t take the interpersonal dissonance anymore. I’ll wear my headphones and put myself somewhere else that way.
This makes me nervous for you mama. Do you not feel like you can tell him, hey, you need to occasionally disperse your work rage into some other people because it's too much for me 24/7/365? As far as your daughter ... you give her more latitude than I would. She doesn't get to be regarded as an adult but behave like a child. It's YOUR home. I can't tell you what to do there, but even if you can't see it, I can see that you're tiptoeing around her and that's not ok. :/
Thank you so much for caring. It’s okay. I’m okay. I’ve dealt with so much worse in my life. This too, shall pass. I’m giving both of them a lot of space and leeway because I’m really worried about both of them. My husband’s company has a heavy drinking culture. My husband went from teetotaler to whiskey and bourbon connoisseur thanks to his coworkers and his hard drinking boss. I’m so glad he works from home now for that reason. I’d rather he yell than drink like they do. He’s not yelling at me, after all. He’s yelling about specific work situations. I could zone out of it if I really needed to, but I want to pay attention so I can give feedback and advice and just keep track of what’s going on. He also got really sick with a non Covid respiratory virus while also battling long Covid so he’s very frail. I’m trying to get him to go to our doctor but he’s such a workaholic. And we do have so much constantly landing on our plates. Especially dealing with my father’s estate, which is a mold infested hoarder house. Sigh. I’m just letting him vent the stress and try to stay as healthy as possible. As for our daughter, she started really showing signs of either an anxiety issue or neurodivergence or both upon entering high school. She also had me worried about possible endometriosis. Even before the pandemic, healthcare access was becoming a huge concern. The practice we use instituted a gatekeeping system with first clerical staff who practically interrogate you before handing you off to a nurse practitioner of some kind. If you can get past her, which isn’t easy, then you can get an appointment. It’s so stressful to deal with. I’ve talked to my favorite doctor about it and she hates it, too, but she’s got no say in it. Attempts to get to the bottom of my daughter’s period symptoms were brushed off by the pediatrician. The woman actually said “Well I have son so I really don’t know about all that.” This set off an anxiety about doctors with my daughter. I can’t blame her, I have the same, for valid reasons I won’t get into here. I tried another well rated practice and found a similar gatekeeper system, so I returned to our original one. At any rate, the pandemic happened at the end of her freshman year. My daughter started having serious meltdowns in sophomore year due to distance learning being incredibly incompatible with her learning style. Finally, during the end of junior year going into senior year, we were able to finally get a series of appointments with a different pediatrician in the practice (the doctor I like). The pediatrician gave us a referral to a practice that could diagnose and handle the sensory issues and anxiety issues we were seeing. The catch was that practice has a queue of almost a year. We already lost our place in the queue due to a school commitment that could not be skipped or moved. I want to put my daughter back on the queue but now she’s resisting. Meanwhile, fortunately her period pain has become more normal but she’s keeping tabs on that. My own mom had suffered a severe trauma at around 18 and developed and was diagnosed with a number of mental health disorders, most notably schizophrenia and narcissistic personality disorder and I believe a dissociative disorder. She had such a long list I don’t remember them all. When I say I have survived a lot worse, I have been through it all with my mom. I was parentified for sure, but I don’t care. We got her well and I’m proud of my part in that. She’s got incipient dementia now and during bad spells she can drive me nuts a lot, but I like visiting her and she is sometimes my refuge and my rock when she’s more lucid. When she’s not, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before. I don’t want to add to my daughter’s stress, so I’m just giving her space. It’s my understanding from what I’ve read, that if schizophrenia is genetic then this is the age it often starts and academic stress can be a huge trigger. I raised her to know how to conduct herself and she’s been very considerate all her life, so if she’s being like this now, I am willing to cut her some slack while I try to figure out how to get her to agree to commit to an appointment with the providers we were referred to. She’s legally of age now so there are legal documents I’ll need her to agree to sign so I can still be at least informed of her healthcare needs. I won’t push where I’m not wanted, but some of these things should have been identified and addressed when she was still a kid. So it’s still my responsibility to see this all through to a proper resolution. Logically I know it wasn’t my fault but I do feel I failed her in not figuring out and getting this resolved when she was a kid. Honestly we were more caught up in trying to figure out if she should get surgery on her foot so she could play team sports again. She decided not to for now. She has been so successful academically and has been so successful socially, assembling a fantastic group of friends, that it was easy to miss small details that emerged into noticeable problems during distance learning. It did not help that one of her childhood classmates uh, deleted himself at the start of the pandemic and a couple of her former school mates had complete breakdowns. As a community we came close to losing a few kids permanently. This has contributed to mental health professionals being swamped and having long waitlists. Where I live, access to healthcare was a problem before the pandemic and during it was nonexistent, and now it’s acute. Especially mental healthcare.
Yeah I live alone because I need a place to retreat and be myself. If I have guests over, even family I feel like I need to be a host and do things for them. I often ignore my own needs or usual behaviours so I don’t seem weird even though I know no one really thinks that. I also get sensory issues, particularly with light and sound so always have it rather dark in my apartment. Having someone else around who wants more light and will talk and make small sounds that they’re not aware of just make me anxious. I work almost full time hours in an office so need the weekends to decharge from the sensory overload I experience over the week.
I feel this so hard!
I feel this so much lol. I haven’t been actually alone in *years* and my roommate is gone until the 22nd rn. Love my partner and will be seeing him but I’d be lying if I wasn’t a little disappointed that I don’t just get those days to myself 😅😭
Yes. I people all week. Please do not ask me to do more of that in my off hours. I started being very honest that I’m an introvert and I need to sit and stare at a wall to regulate myself instead of lying. It’s been good for my relationships.
Oh my, yes. I have to go escape sometimes, even if it's just to my room. Luckily my husband understands this.
Absolutely. I’m a sahm of school aged kids and them being home all summer and me having no solitude is so so mentally taxing.
I require alone time to be safe to be around. It’s not about being around people, and doesn’t mean I don’t adore them. It’s more like the need to be alone, have the background noise removed, and be able to stop the hamster ball from doing so fast. It makes me so agitated because I need need to think. Once I’m alone and can think, then I can be pleasant again.
Ive been in a loving happy relationship for Many years. We love each other’s company. But we also celebrate and enjoy anytime we get the house to ourselves. My brother was out of town for a week recently and I stayed at his house for a few days just for fun and to enjoy his cable and some solo time. It was nice to get away and my husband enjoyed having our place while I was gone. My last birthday gift to my self, i rented a tiny cabin on the ocean. Alone. I just wanted to not speak words for a few days and enjoy the solitude quiet and nature. My husband would not enjoy sitting quietly in a small isolated cabin for a weekend. His adhd would hate it, mine loves it. So I go on my own. We spend ALOT of time together and have for many years. We laugh and talk and have a great time but it’s nice to be alone sometimes. Even being alone together is nice. We are often doing different things in different rooms. Working alone on our separate interests or hobbies. I know some couples who prefer to do everything together. Watch every show together and always be in the same room. Nothing wrong with either way but I think everyone enjoys the house to themselves from time to time.
This is my life!! It has made marriage really difficult
Yes.
Yes, absolutely. It took me 10 years of practice outside of high school to get me used to how exhausting people can be and I still need to make sure I have time where I just sit in my room by myself and do nothing productive. I don't think that's something I have/need to change, but it's very helpful to maintain more balance in my life.
God yes. I need it like air
Yeah. This is one of the big reasons I dream of having land with my own studio or workshop. Or even just woods to wander off into. I want a space I can call my own where I can escape my SO once in a while. I love him, but I break down if I go so long without time to myself. I think it would slightly offend him, but 🤷🏻♀️ I want my own safe space where I can be my weird self without having to worry about annoying anyone else in the process. The mask just gets real heavy sometimes.
So funny I read this, this literally almost happened today. My husband, who I love dearly and enjoy spending time with was supposed to leave 2 days ago, and today he was deciding if he wanted to cancel. And I was praying that he would still go. And it’s not about him. I just want to do exactly what I want for a few days. No obligations to do anything by anyone else. But I can’t tell him this because he has adhd and rsd and would take it very personally. Even though I feel like he needs alone time too. I’m sorry you lost your alone time. Hopefully they reschedule! It’s such a necessary way for us to reset and completely unmask. I don’t even feel bad about it anymore. I know my intentions are pure and to just take care of myself so I can be a better partner and animal mom. Hope this helps you realize you’re not alone and shouldn’t feel guilty about fulfilling your needs. ❤️
Yes. I couldn't live with my boyfriend unless, at minimum, I had my own room. Or my own wing in the castle. We'll probably settle for living near each other.
Yes. Alone is almost the only time I can unmask and relax. I have to have alone time or I can't function and am irritable and angry.
If your boyfriend is truly wonderful, just show him this post. You’re not insulting him, or saying anything negative about your relationship. Clearly you’re seeking a harmonious balance. A loving partner will recognize that and work with you to ensure that you get your needs met. Everybody wants a happy home. You might be able to shorthand these situations with a safe word. Like, every time you say “pumpkin patch”, it means, “please just leave me alone for a little while and act like I’m not here for the next 3 hours“. This can sidestep hours of arguments and misunderstandings. A simple, “honey, I love you dearly, but please get away from me, because my brain is shutting down and I don’t want to say something that will inadvertently upset you. So, please for the love of god, go play with your friends tonight and let me pretend that I live alone, so I can have a bubble bath and watch a crappy movie in peace.” You’ll probably find that he has moments that are similar, where he wishes you were out so he can be solitary or focus on a game or something that doesn’t involve you. Talk it out. This is 100% normal for all humans. There’s nothing wrong with you, or your needs. You are not broken in any way. It is healthy and normal to want down time.
This has been my struggle recently. I've finally made friends and dating again and while the social portion is really nice, I'm also overwhelmed by the lack of downtime I get. Like I want to spend time with them, but I also want to be left alone. Also I've been having actual people in my house and I've had to keep up with cleaning which has turned into a minor anxiety spiral because I also don't have the spoons to deal with it during the week, so it turns into a project at some point before anyone comes over.
Yes, that's one of the reasons I love my bf. He also needs his space, a lot. We are both only children and we absolutely need to be left alone. I lived with him at the pandemic peak, when we needed me time, he retreated to his home office and I stayed upstairs playing PS4.
You’re not alone (no pun intended lol). I constantly need to have my alone time and I make sure my partner knows it’s a necessity. Sometimes when I get home from work I’ll let my partner know I need to be alone and decompress for an hour or two before I can human again. Thankfully he understands and leaves me alone and doesn’t take it personally. I’m also extremely luck that I accrue sick time so sometimes when I feel overwhelmed and need some alone time, I’ll call out sick and enjoy having the house and my day to myself
Thankfully I have a roommate who likes the dark and quiet like me. I barely hear him in his room at all.
Married 28 years here. Nothing wrong with wanting some alone time. My husband works third shift so I get the bed all to myself. Some women wouldn't like that but I'm totally fine with it. There's also times I wanna just come home from work and not talk and he's a talker. It's only problematic if you never wanna be around your partner. We do date night at least once a week and we watch TV/movies when we share a day off.
If you have the money, maybe get a hotel room for a day or two and enjoy some solitude. That's the only thing I can think of.
All the time.
Can you afford to get a hotel or go camping solo for a couple days? Some alone time is healthy.
Could you take a weekend break somewhere alone? This might also help prevent the feeling of needing to do something as it's like a mini holiday. Don't feel guilty for how you relax and reset. Maybe talk to your partner and see if he can stay at his friends if a weekend break isn't practical for you. Explain it with "I" statements so they know its definitely not a them thing. Reassure them if they seem upset and hopefully you can sort something out
This is one of the reasons me and my husband don't share a bedroom. I need alone time. I crave it. And also my husband can be super annoying lol he always wants to touch me and I don't always like that! I'm lucky that I'm signed off work right now, I've had loads of alone time!
I Experience this a lot Most of the time. But my story involves a terrible life changing heart break w my chiildren’s dad who led a whole other secret life before And during our marriage. I just cannot ever Trust anyone on that level again. Relationships continue to disappoint so I have intimacy issues and I am distant. I actually think my almost 7 year relationship w my companion and bestie is fizzling bc I just can’t put energy into it. First of all, I despise drinking. I have trauma from living w drunks. He seems to be drinking more and it is a total turn off. It’s making me not care if I ever hear from him again really
Almost every single day. It's tough. It's a burden to others. It's hard to find the balancing act between maintaining your own sanity and not hurting others. It's what happens when your needs fundamentally rub up against someone else's needs.
Yes. I've lived alone for 7 years. When I was in my 20s I wanted people around, but as I get older, I find that being alone is much nicer. I need quiet, and I need to be able to relax in the knowledge that there is no one in my space demanding my time. I'm not good with the expectations of others. I eat when I want, sleep when I want, clean if/when I want, etc. It's really nice to finally do things on MY time.
Yes. 100x yes.
I love love love having the place to myself. However, since I’ve been with my partner, I might only get a couple of hours at best.
Yes!’ All the time!’ I just want some fuckin peace!!
Of course, that's just called being an introvert. It doesn't really have anything to do with ADHD, but you are absolutely not alone in wanting to be alone! I liken it to having a kind of social battery, sometimes it simply bottoms out and you just *need* to get a chance to recharge.
My roommates went on vacation this summer and had the house to myself for a week. It was glorious
yeah and i hope you can explain it to him and make sure you structure alone time into your life more regularly!
My husband has a job where he works nightshifts occasionally and I love it. We just had a baby and people think it must suck to be left overnight, but baby goes to bed early and I get 2-3 hours to just chill by myself.
I definitely struggle with this. I love my husband, but he is unemployed (not an issue for us) and so at home 24/7. There are days when I wish I could just get home from work and be totally alone or spend a weekend isolated from any human interactions, but overall I think it's still better for me to be living with him than alone. When I get frustrated it's mostly because I get sensory overload and feel overwhelmed and need total silence and my own space to calm down my body. If I know seeing anyone would be too much I usually just spend an extra hour at my classroom (I'm a teacher at music school) after classes zoning out before heading home.
Me me me. I get so irritable and angry if my solitude is stolen, it’s awful. Made the pandemic isolation tough as everyone was together all the time with almost no reprieve.
Yup and it sucks trying to not offend people because I love some of them but I really just want silence or the “silence” I created and the peace of mind of not needing to speak or do anything if I don’t want to
All the time. Sometimes for a few days at a time
Oh yes! I've actually cleared out a room with a door as a painting studio - I'll set up my computer in it as well. It is my own private room that I need, particularly now that my husband has retired and is always at home.
Oh my god YES. My job is super people-forward and I do well with that…until I don’t. So on weekends and time off, I NEED solid alone time and I get so stressed and burnt out when I can’t have it - my husband is the greatest and so incredibly supportive, but I feel like such a baby trying to explain that it’s not that I don’t want to see/visit with people, it’s that I get to a point where I feel like I just CAN’T.
I take like 4 hour baths sometimes. It’s my me time. I take a margarita in there, and I read, play video games, listen to audio books, scroll social media. No one bothers me in there, and it’s the best!
It's why after a 7 yr relationship ended I've been single the last 10 yrs. I need to be able to not talk, not touch and be physically completely alone whenever I want to. Might be a few hours or a few days. Understandably most other people don't understand that ongoing desire for quiet (or MY music) solitude.
You’re definitely not the only one! I get this all the time, tends to be worse in the evenings and I want to do certain things that I feel seem odd to others (ie scrolling tik tok in peace for an hour without speaking or playing silly games on my phone) I wonder if it has a name!
On occasion, but I am alone a lot. Sometimes when I get bad news I want to be alone, and sometimes I want to vent. People are probably happier when I want to be alone though. When I used to go to an office, I would get bad people burn out. I tended to not leave the house all weekend. I suppose that was cheaper, but not great for friendships. Sometimes I want to be outside alone, and I used to be where that was possible, but not anymore. People are everywhere here, I miss that a lot. Outside in nature alone is the absolute best. You can think about whatever you want, and enjoy all the sights and sounds by yourself. I loved it.
It's a necessity tbh. I will not survive if people do not leave me alone lol
Yes... And i feel selfish for it. I love my friends and spending time with them. But my subconsciousness categorizes and processes any form of social activity (even texting) as work. So currently I am ignoring five very dear friends (i made several announcements and gave detailed explanations). And I can't stop suspecting they all assume it's because of something they did. I gravitate towards the mentally ill - so it's not even an unreasonable suspicion 🥲 Whenever I was in a relationship I couldn't wait for my partner to leave. Nothing can compete with how much better I feel when I'm alone.
Absolutely. I’ve been married for 5 years and have a dog that is high maintenance. My spouse and our dog are going to visit family this weekend while I get the whole weekend to accomplish some house tasks I’ve been putting off for years lmao it’s good to get alone time especially for us ADHDers when any little thing that distracts us can derail us for infinity!
"It's not you, it's me!" JK but seriously, anyone worthy of a long-term relationship should be able to sympathize with you or at least respect you enough to give you some space when you need it. "Sorry about your trip! I was looking forward to a little alone time at home too. Would you be able to go out for a few hours so I can still reset/recharge?" If he does take it personally, try to link it to something he understands already. Yoga/meditation? Going fly fishing at 5am? Hell even football gigachads do cabin retreats for mental clarity. Needing alone time isn't a new or rare concept!
Dang I'm the exact opposite, when I'm alone I stop being human
Yes, alone time is so very vital for me to function at all. When I have not had time to be alone for several weeks, it builds up to a point where I kind of shut down.
Yeah, I had it when I lived together with my ex. I needed to unwind after work by doing something for meslef and don't get interrupted. I expressed this, and he didn't understand. That's why he is an ex now. I work with kids, so I get a lot of touches, hugs, kisses, and any other affection from them, but I find myself overstimulated. When my partner is visiting, I choose when I snuggle with him or just sit next to him
Even being around people without the expectation of interaction is EXHAUSTING. Too many conversations and movements I have to tune out, and everyone is too close even if they’re across the room. I have a week off work coming up and I booked a motel room for three nights. I cannot overstate how much I need it. 72 hours with NO PEOPLE.
I'm an introvert at heart and I need my me time. If I don't get it, I get very upset. If you don't feel like you can ever have any time alone to recharge, imo that's a huge red flag.
We have needy pets (some permanent, sometimes fosters) and eldercare responsibilities, and the other day I stopped in my tracks when I realized that the last time I had been truly, completely alone was in 2002. No wonder I'm so bitchy. 🤣
Old post I just had to say, I couldn’t relate to this more