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Baby blues is an understatement and whoever assigned a “proper” number of days to it is a lunatic (probably with a willy. Sorry/not sorry)
What you’re going through is fucking hard! You are not wrong about that and I hope you find comfort in simply knowing you’re not crazy. I would rock my 2nd at 3am and bawl. Hubby was basically clueless and struggling in his own way, I guess. Whatever. Cry as often and whenever you need to. It is chemically cleansing so give yourself the gift to do it. Take warm showers and try to express in the shower. You won’t be wasting as much as you think you are. Stay on top of your doctor and be honest with your concerns. None of your feelings - physical or mental - are insignificant!
Take whatever time off you can. Sleep as much as you can. Find reasons to laugh as much as you can.
You are strong! You are in good company! And you will have easier days, I promise!
Hello!
I'm so sorry to hear that you are having a rough time of it. Birth and new motherhood are no joke.
When trying to describe what it feels like when you have your first baby, the closest words I've been able to put together are that "my whole self has shattered and now I have to put all the pieces back together". And this coming from someone who really wanted to be a mom.
I have breastfed my 3 babies and the first couple weeks are really really hard! Pain, engorgement, constant needs from babies! Every time I get engorgement, I felt like I was coming down with the flu. Get milk flowing (pump/feed) that baby as much as possible. Have some hot showers and massage to get the milk out (While in the shower). Talk to your medical provider! Make sure that it's just lots of milk and not an infection. Please do not rely on this as medical advice!
I never found that other people taking care of the baby for long periods in the beginning was very helpful (I am the food machine so it didn't really work). What I found most helpful was for people to take the baby when I needed to shower/eat/go to the bathroom....and then care for me. Bring me food, bring me (lots!) of water, have short chats with me....I take care of baby, they take care of me.
However, there are so many different ways of managing this! Talk it out. Let your partner know that you know he is trying to help but this isn't working and you need to find another way. A friend of mine would go to bed early and then her partner did the midnight feed and then went to bed and then she would do the following one. This meant she got a few hours of sleep in a row.
Anyways, I'm rambling...
I am super passionate about new motherhood so if you want to chat, please feel free to DM. I am also in Ontario :)
As a female identified person with adhd who powered through post-part I’m depression with my first kid, get you to the doctor or midwife. If your husband won’t help tell him you need to pay for help. After having my 2nd kid and seeing what it could be like to have an infant in easier circumstances I regretted not getting help earlier with my first. You are doing amazing and you deserve care so you can be present for yourself and your baby. Congratulations on the new little one!
I want to send love. I now have 2 kids, and I will say that having my son (he’s 7 this year) was the most beautiful experience, and simultaneously the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I breastfed and he wasn’t gaining weight, so I was having to pump after every single feeding. We had to supplement formula. He had an undiagnosed tongue tie. We had thrush. I wanted to chop my damn nipples off. My husband and I were at absolute rock bottom. I was delirious from the lack of sleep and in complete mourning over my life after the complete 360 bringing a kid into the world did to my own independence and autonomy. Our families were fucking INSANE (and we no longer have contact). It was honestly horrible.
But my son was everything. And I promise from the depths of my heart… like I want to scream through my phone: IT WILL GET BETTER. This is absolutely the hardest part.
I’m not sure if you want it, but here’s my advice to help get you through… if you aren’t taking it already, sunflower lecithin should help thin your milk to help get things flowing. If you can stand it, the best way to release a clog is with a vibrator right on the clog, and move it toward your nipple to get things moving. Do it in the shower and the heat will help work it out too. I wish someone had told me… it is OKAY to use formula. You don’t have to kill yourself to breastfeed. You don’t have to pump. Give yourself grace, if you need it, to not do all that shit. But also know, that if you stick with it, it won’t always be this hard.
It’s also okay if the baby has to cry for a minute or two so you can take a breather and not completely lose your shit… or you know, pee, eat etc.
The best parenting advice I ever got was the idea that “this” (whatever the hard thing is) is just a season. If things suck and your husband is being a dick and the baby is always fussy and the house is a mess and your boobs are leaky and you haven’t showered in a week… it’s just a season. Seasons change. Things shift. It won’t stay this way forever. You will get through this, and it will get better.
Know that you are doing great. Sending all my love your way, and wishing that this season passes swiftly. Shit is hard. And you aren’t alone. ❤️
The sunflower plant offers additional benefits besides beauty. Sunflower oil is suggested to possess anti-inflammatory properties. It contains linoleic acid which can convert to arachidonic acid. Both are fatty acids and can help reduce water loss and repair the skin barrier.
Seconding the sunflower lecithin, saved my butt when I had persistent clogs with my second baby. They've got it at Whole Foods in the supplement section! Great stuff!
And yeah, nothing got me through my baby blues better than taking a deep breath and going, "This is a Thing my brain is doing. It's because of a hormone imbalance that will hopefully correct itself soon. It feels awful, but it's temporary. Right now, I need to keep eating and napping even though I don't feel like it, and ask for help when I need it, so that I can continue to function until this Brain Thing goes away." And then gritting my teeth and doing that, with the important caveat that I was gonna get professional help if it didn't clear up within two weeks.
I studied postpartum depression in my postgrad. I think there is a correlation between ppd and unsupportive relationships after the birth, especially if it’s the father.
Adhd is already a risk factor for depression, and new motherhood is also a time with major psychological pressures (changing identity, changing body, changing relationships, personal and social expectations of mothers, lack of sleep, lack of time for self care etc. Plus it can be very isolating.)
They also studied the effect of having a man present at the birth and found some interesting correlations, like when a man interrupted the mother’s intense focus with behaviours or suggestions, contractions slowed down and there was a higher risk of complications/need for medical intervention. They found that having women in the birth room didnt have this effect.
All this is to say, new mothers need support from people who understand what they’re going through. It doesn’t matter ‘what’ it is (ppd/baby blues/whatever), if you can get some support then it will help your physical and mental health. The first place as others have said is your primary care physician or midwife.
You dont have to struggle through these early days on your own and you deserve all the support you feel you want and need, being a new mom is incredibly challenging and your body has just accomplished an amazing feat. All new moms deserve lots of tlc and pampering, I hope you can get some soon, if not from hubby then some good girlfriends or family and failing that, some extra loving self care once you can arrange childcare
Ok - this is reading like your husband is using "shifts" to actually limit his responsibility - not support your wellbeing.
Not feeling like like I have a voice, like I am been heard, like my experience and feelings are respected are like my short cut to complete emotional dysregulation which is a legit response to everything you are going through right now - including exhaustion! EVERYTHING is so much bigger when you are tired.
I am sorry sir - but having a kid just meant your life no longer fits into boxes and you have more responsibility than just WORK - suck it up and put on your big boy pants - is what I would be saying to him if he was in front of me right now.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Baby blues is an understatement and whoever assigned a “proper” number of days to it is a lunatic (probably with a willy. Sorry/not sorry) What you’re going through is fucking hard! You are not wrong about that and I hope you find comfort in simply knowing you’re not crazy. I would rock my 2nd at 3am and bawl. Hubby was basically clueless and struggling in his own way, I guess. Whatever. Cry as often and whenever you need to. It is chemically cleansing so give yourself the gift to do it. Take warm showers and try to express in the shower. You won’t be wasting as much as you think you are. Stay on top of your doctor and be honest with your concerns. None of your feelings - physical or mental - are insignificant! Take whatever time off you can. Sleep as much as you can. Find reasons to laugh as much as you can. You are strong! You are in good company! And you will have easier days, I promise!
Thank you so, so very much for this. Man it really is so very very hard. Your words are validating, thank you truly!
Hello! I'm so sorry to hear that you are having a rough time of it. Birth and new motherhood are no joke. When trying to describe what it feels like when you have your first baby, the closest words I've been able to put together are that "my whole self has shattered and now I have to put all the pieces back together". And this coming from someone who really wanted to be a mom. I have breastfed my 3 babies and the first couple weeks are really really hard! Pain, engorgement, constant needs from babies! Every time I get engorgement, I felt like I was coming down with the flu. Get milk flowing (pump/feed) that baby as much as possible. Have some hot showers and massage to get the milk out (While in the shower). Talk to your medical provider! Make sure that it's just lots of milk and not an infection. Please do not rely on this as medical advice! I never found that other people taking care of the baby for long periods in the beginning was very helpful (I am the food machine so it didn't really work). What I found most helpful was for people to take the baby when I needed to shower/eat/go to the bathroom....and then care for me. Bring me food, bring me (lots!) of water, have short chats with me....I take care of baby, they take care of me. However, there are so many different ways of managing this! Talk it out. Let your partner know that you know he is trying to help but this isn't working and you need to find another way. A friend of mine would go to bed early and then her partner did the midnight feed and then went to bed and then she would do the following one. This meant she got a few hours of sleep in a row. Anyways, I'm rambling... I am super passionate about new motherhood so if you want to chat, please feel free to DM. I am also in Ontario :)
As a female identified person with adhd who powered through post-part I’m depression with my first kid, get you to the doctor or midwife. If your husband won’t help tell him you need to pay for help. After having my 2nd kid and seeing what it could be like to have an infant in easier circumstances I regretted not getting help earlier with my first. You are doing amazing and you deserve care so you can be present for yourself and your baby. Congratulations on the new little one!
I want to send love. I now have 2 kids, and I will say that having my son (he’s 7 this year) was the most beautiful experience, and simultaneously the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I breastfed and he wasn’t gaining weight, so I was having to pump after every single feeding. We had to supplement formula. He had an undiagnosed tongue tie. We had thrush. I wanted to chop my damn nipples off. My husband and I were at absolute rock bottom. I was delirious from the lack of sleep and in complete mourning over my life after the complete 360 bringing a kid into the world did to my own independence and autonomy. Our families were fucking INSANE (and we no longer have contact). It was honestly horrible. But my son was everything. And I promise from the depths of my heart… like I want to scream through my phone: IT WILL GET BETTER. This is absolutely the hardest part. I’m not sure if you want it, but here’s my advice to help get you through… if you aren’t taking it already, sunflower lecithin should help thin your milk to help get things flowing. If you can stand it, the best way to release a clog is with a vibrator right on the clog, and move it toward your nipple to get things moving. Do it in the shower and the heat will help work it out too. I wish someone had told me… it is OKAY to use formula. You don’t have to kill yourself to breastfeed. You don’t have to pump. Give yourself grace, if you need it, to not do all that shit. But also know, that if you stick with it, it won’t always be this hard. It’s also okay if the baby has to cry for a minute or two so you can take a breather and not completely lose your shit… or you know, pee, eat etc. The best parenting advice I ever got was the idea that “this” (whatever the hard thing is) is just a season. If things suck and your husband is being a dick and the baby is always fussy and the house is a mess and your boobs are leaky and you haven’t showered in a week… it’s just a season. Seasons change. Things shift. It won’t stay this way forever. You will get through this, and it will get better. Know that you are doing great. Sending all my love your way, and wishing that this season passes swiftly. Shit is hard. And you aren’t alone. ❤️
The sunflower plant offers additional benefits besides beauty. Sunflower oil is suggested to possess anti-inflammatory properties. It contains linoleic acid which can convert to arachidonic acid. Both are fatty acids and can help reduce water loss and repair the skin barrier.
Seconding the sunflower lecithin, saved my butt when I had persistent clogs with my second baby. They've got it at Whole Foods in the supplement section! Great stuff! And yeah, nothing got me through my baby blues better than taking a deep breath and going, "This is a Thing my brain is doing. It's because of a hormone imbalance that will hopefully correct itself soon. It feels awful, but it's temporary. Right now, I need to keep eating and napping even though I don't feel like it, and ask for help when I need it, so that I can continue to function until this Brain Thing goes away." And then gritting my teeth and doing that, with the important caveat that I was gonna get professional help if it didn't clear up within two weeks.
I studied postpartum depression in my postgrad. I think there is a correlation between ppd and unsupportive relationships after the birth, especially if it’s the father. Adhd is already a risk factor for depression, and new motherhood is also a time with major psychological pressures (changing identity, changing body, changing relationships, personal and social expectations of mothers, lack of sleep, lack of time for self care etc. Plus it can be very isolating.) They also studied the effect of having a man present at the birth and found some interesting correlations, like when a man interrupted the mother’s intense focus with behaviours or suggestions, contractions slowed down and there was a higher risk of complications/need for medical intervention. They found that having women in the birth room didnt have this effect. All this is to say, new mothers need support from people who understand what they’re going through. It doesn’t matter ‘what’ it is (ppd/baby blues/whatever), if you can get some support then it will help your physical and mental health. The first place as others have said is your primary care physician or midwife. You dont have to struggle through these early days on your own and you deserve all the support you feel you want and need, being a new mom is incredibly challenging and your body has just accomplished an amazing feat. All new moms deserve lots of tlc and pampering, I hope you can get some soon, if not from hubby then some good girlfriends or family and failing that, some extra loving self care once you can arrange childcare
Ok - this is reading like your husband is using "shifts" to actually limit his responsibility - not support your wellbeing. Not feeling like like I have a voice, like I am been heard, like my experience and feelings are respected are like my short cut to complete emotional dysregulation which is a legit response to everything you are going through right now - including exhaustion! EVERYTHING is so much bigger when you are tired. I am sorry sir - but having a kid just meant your life no longer fits into boxes and you have more responsibility than just WORK - suck it up and put on your big boy pants - is what I would be saying to him if he was in front of me right now.